#That's why all the weird capitalization.
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i feel like i get literal psychic damage when i think about capitalism too long
#i’ve been trying to figure out how to describe it for awhile#started my second relisten of taz balance#and that’s probably why i finally was able to put it in words!#psychic damage#capitalism#planned obsolescence#the fact that it’s actively hostile to human life#blue rambles#corporate speak#which i do not understand how to formulate at all#i mean im sure i’ll learn i’ll have to#but i’ve loved working in small shops#the vibes are immaculate#we sells strange and fun things!#and they’re all good quality#no amazon bullshit#no worries about constantly getting things that are meant to break#sidebar that so many adults think showing positive emotions is like immature or something#pls show me ur alive!!#i hate that is ‘weird’ to be genuine#i hate that the norm is to kill your soul
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OK I swear the reason I'm showing you this will have context in a couple days! But also, the fact B&N has a section dedicated to "well he may be a ten buuuuut" and included my current crime of "he's blonde" is like. Dang. Called out.
Didn't help I saw this with a guy and I said "oh no, my blonde enjoyer crimes called out!" and he said "better than redheads" and I'm like. "Sir, I have to inform you of my previous crime." and he was not pleased as he said "Fish... why....."
#moe talks a lot#not art#this will be much more relevant to my art in a couple days but just know#that ive had a field day staring at these and noticing unintentional bullshit#such as ! note how they are all kinda average writing size OR p big except for the tail one#which is kinda small and i feel like the person who wrote it is like this is the opposite of a '10 but -' ... thats a plus...#but then you also have all of them starting off lower case EXCEPT He's a man-child#oh absolutely gotta cater to the man-childs esteem and capitalize that one#this might be incredibly funny to me but i am not letting it be rebloggable im so sorry#also i like how he calls me fish in public bc despite having known me since 4th grade#he got in the habit during our ffxiv days during skype calls with someone in another state#so instead of using my in game name of Tuna vs my actual skype name Salmon#hes like fuck it we ball with just Fish#so i am fish to him and it carries over irl when we hang out which is rare but still#this is the same guy who was on the phone with his wife while we were wandering around and he just#watches me walk off with a very serious determination and i hear him say#hold on babe fish just walked over to a makeup store and is staring#so he walks over and asks me whats up and i point to a shelf and say dude#and he looks where im pointing and asks his wife#hey honey do you want main character energy? fish found some lipstick for that#and i hear her over the phone saying what very flatly#and he had to explain that there was a shelf advertising main character energy in sephora#his wife said no which is fair (they were also closed lol)#also the same guy i beat up on accident who lied to his football coach about why he had such fucked up shins#bc he knew his coach liked me as a very kind and quiet and obedient student#and my buddy was like i cant tell him you kicked me so much i bled...#and i just ????????????? hey what you never mentioned bleeding to me? dude? you KEPT MAKING SHORT JOKES#KNOWING ID KICK YOU IN THE SHINS? you never thought to say maybe stop that or maybe just stop picking on me#anyway yeah this guy and i have been through some weird times and most of them are my fault
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I think I’ve finally put my finger on the reason why I (and people in general) love to watch “kids’ shows” when they are older teens and adults: because empathy and love, especially platonic love, are arguably humans’ most valuable trait and yet, in our society and in “realistic” media is treated as a weakness or at least at odds with being successful. Like, empathy isn’t even unique to humans, it’s found in and is integral to so many species of animals (and maybe even plants too!!), especially what we consider to be some of the most fearsome predators like lions and wolves. But humans have have “gone all in on” empathy and the capacity to form bonds with other humans, even outside familial circles, which is the reason we outlived the homo erectus which lived at the same time as humans since we were able to form larger communities. And all that’s to say that seeing shows where moral goodness is synonymous with empathy and friendship and wins the day is probably very satisfying for our brains since we don’t often see empathy treated as the essential part of us that it is.
That’s why shows like Hilda or Kipo and the Age of the Wonderbeasts are my personal favorites because the main characters’ defining trait is being empathetic and is, at least in the beginning, their only way of avoiding trouble. And these shows in particular feature the main characters advancing the plot and achieving heroic feats through simply talking it out and generally being a kind and helpful person. When I first watched these shows I, admittedly, saw such events as cheesy, but when I took time to think about it, it not only makes sense why it worked, but was quite literally the best possible way to fix the problem at hand because empathy is a very natural thing for humans and is literally how we have become the apex species so of course it can work when someone gives it a chance.
It’s human nature to be kind and empathetic and is why it’s so satisfying to see it spotlit in kids shows.
#i have no idea how to tag this#empathy#human nature#humanity#children’s show#kipo and the age of wonderbeasts#kataow#dreamworks kipo#hilda the show#hilda the series#hilda netflix#give us more shows where empathy conquers all!!#especially media with adults as the target audience#it’s so weird how we have used our gift of intelligence to tell ourselves that empathy is a weakness#like why is reality basically synonymous for pessimism and dark gritty nightmares#it’s capitalism#always capitalism#capitalism is why we can’t have nice things#its also why friendship is so underrated#because if we actually prioritized friendships as we should the economy would collapse#which would be a GOOD thing#because the economy is a made up thing that rewards greed and selfishness and inscentivizes low quality of life#and it discourages innovation because more money would be generated from many inefficient products than one better one#it literally goes against humans’ two biggest evolutionary advantages: empathy and intelligence#i did not mean to go on this tangent about economy in the tags but here we are#empathy and compassion are logical and what we are built to do#we need to stop treating them as opposing forces#Watch Kipo to see what I mean#thank you for coming to my ted talk
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The only genres of music I care about:
Upbeat Villain Song
Let's Work Ourselves to Death! It Makes Us Cool
Teens Having Fun Hanging Out (SFW!!!)
This Is Not an Instrument so We Made a Song Out of it
Circus Music
The Title has Something to do with Bones
40% of Christians Think this is Occultic (but it isn't)
#Vio's Personal#I love dark sounding music so much aaaa#But also just weird sounds in general which is why synth gets me#But any non instrument will do#(I never learned all the rules to capitalizing titles since idk grammar terms so it's entirely by vibe)
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yo-kai watch 3 my beloved. <3
#puppy draws#yo-kai watch#yokai watch#youkai watch#yw3#ykw3#yo-kai watch 3#hailey anne thomas#usapyon#nate adams#whisper#whisper ykw#jibanyan#very amused by the capitalism one. the yo-kai watch being region-locked is honestly so weird to me in all seriousness tho like#it's literally just so nate has a reason to get a new yo-kai watch. like the modern day yo-kai watch was literally created by a yo-kai#why would it be region-locked. i don't think the model zero would be region-locked either#so it's not just something that wasn't removed later on or anything. yo-kai watch plot convenience things are so weird to me
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so things are not going well with my new elderly socdem friend unfortunately.
#she said this RIGHT after talking about how bad yt misinfo is... which she followed up w SO I WAS WATCHING A YT DOC ABOUT WW2 & LEARNED THIS#youtube 'historians' are literally the most fascist breed of youtuber. avoid the vast majority like the plague lmao#i asked if the video was sourcing the hollow dahmer & the black book of communism & she didnt seem to know what those are lol#to her credit i told her straight up that she was incorrect & she at least faked being curious about doing more research but i am doubting#she also 'learned' that lenin killed trotsky lol get your propaganda right lenin was dead by then STALIN icepicked him <3#anyway im making jokes bc the worst part was a different conversation where she spoke positively of israel#THAT'S gonna be the one to ruin our friendship. fuck you & your war tourist friend who fought in the 1960s landgrabs that youre now#telling me as if this is a cute story. nahhhh lmao i looked her straight in the eye & said i will NOT debate this#so she dropped it like the true enlightened centrist most socdem cowards are and i kept cleaning her house quietly#turns out You & Me We're the Only Ones Around Here Who Aren't Complete Fools was premature *kicks the poorly rendered gravel sadly*#shes otherwise a nice lady & i know i need to be more flexible in order to hopefully change ppls minds...#but also when people say awful & untrue things it makes me not want to talk to you 🤷♂️ srry 2 b a freak like that#also i know shes not transphobic but i havent sniffed her out well enough to know if shes safe to come out to#so its hours of misgendering (which isnt her fault she doesnt know) bc shes obsessed with neoliberal feminism and inappropriately brings#gender into conversations that it does not belong in#'did you know all the countries that handled covid best were ran by women?' 1) untrue 2) dont care finland still sucks#she also tried to tell me that european rich people learned to be nicer after the french rev & thats why europe is better than america...#girl shut up we learned how to be so good at racism and capitalism BECAUSE of europe. there is no such thing as a good rich person!!!#i pick my battles (genocide & anticommunist genocide revisionism) so i let her cook w that one & was not left convinced as you can imagine#ANYWAY rant about today's weird day done. gonna smoke weed & rim some skies 🥵 while listening to the Khrushchev Lied audiobook i found 😘
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thinking about law school and im so excited to be back in an academic environment
#mine#im applying for 2025 fall sessions !!!!!#i dont think ill get into any of the best schools or the ones i want tbh but wherever i go im ready to study again#also to have a part time job instead of full time#“dont work in your first year of law school its overwhelming blah blah blah” have u considered im poor#my electricity bill went up 300% this month and i couldnt even afford to buy pads#they had to put me on a month union fee waiver too#companies are so mf greedy#whatever happens even tho ill be overwhelmed there is no future for me in which i am not working#i took a month off in between jobs and this is the thing i regret the most in my life#it was so expensive#and i didnt even do well on the lsat tho i studied everyday so it was basically a waste#“oh but you got to rest” no i didnt actually i was stressed af everyday and not getting any money#whats worse is my new job ive been working a month almost and still i wont get paid until mid november#im pinching pennies at this point#in debt bc of pads#now thats $14 i already didnt have but have even less#didnt realize my life would be a living example of why capitalism is bad#like i hear all these stories#didnt know that would be me#even tho ive struggled a lot in my life#but living on my own ive never done financially well#also was born in poverty which is great#my family had some money as i grew up tho so i experienced some comforts#i think im a weird person#rant in the tags
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tiredly reading through About pages on a company website looking for anything to connect to when they ask why i want to work there at my interview tomorrow
#'i thought it was cool that your about us page said that you're a values based company. no i don't think it's weird that you didn't clarify'#'ever since i was a little girl i wanted to work for a place that uses phrases like 'human-centered marketing' to describe things'#'oh thanks so much for asking it was pretty much this or one of the scams that offered me an interview'#'pretty cool that you value dignity for all. like i would hope that was a given but i'm a fan of you putting that on your website'#'why do i want to work here? thanks i don't but unfortunately capitalism. you understand'
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???
#what is this#discord chat interview#????????? 😭😭😭#like does my discord need to be professional looking 😭😭😭😭😭😭#what the fuck why am i doing an interview in fucking discord dms this is so weird 😭😭😭#with my fucking cat profile picture#at least this guy just has a default discord pfp not like a professional headshot or smth LOL#but like idk at least i have my discord name as my name too lol#even tho it's not capitalized#it feels so weird doing this over dm the fuck#like i'd almost rather just talk interview even tho i don't think i'm great at getting all my thoughts together/across in talking#but like idk like if i take too long to respond to a message will that be sus LMAO TT#the way i'm typing this in btwn this guys messages 😀#adjfngkjdfbgdjkfgdkf this is so weird LMAOOOOOOO#whatever it's kinda funny and i'm glad to have another interview opportunity#altho it was very random it sounds like they saw me on linkedin#idk if i applied to them lol#this sounds sketchy but i looked them up and they at least Exist LOL#and i didn't think this guy would IMMEDIATELY accept my friend requrest and START THE INTERVIEW LOL#ANYWAY LEMME ACTUALLY DO THIS INTERVIEW IG LMAO#while listening to j/atp soundtrack wheeeee#jeanne talks#i wonder if this is a bot :| maybe i'm naive thinking it's actually a guy copy and pasting essays abt this company lol#but ya know i can hope 😀 now im thinking it could be a bot tho lmao#and now i have to respond just to let him know like i've read these paragraphs abt the company and stuff#what do i say other than 'sounds good' lmaoooo 😭😭😭#but like i cant say sounds good 10 times in a row#THIS IS SO WEIRD LOLOLOLOL
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creating a twitch account just to follow bears in trees feels like a Lore Moment
@bearsintreesofficial
#bears in trees#Lore#with a capital L#twitch#the adhd is adhding#peak adhd moment#current hyperfixation#streaming#it's 1am#what a surprise#i'm currently eating PEZ from a george pig PEZ dispenser and regretting my life choices#NO I FINISHED MY PEZ#3/4/24#marking the date#so that i can look back on this and reminisce#i had to use voice-to-text to spell remenisce 🥲#why is it spelt like that#english is so weird bro#like wtf#i want more PEZ :(#but i ate them all#i'm going to go and watch#bluey#now#to cope#👋
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WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU. GET OF MY SCREEN!!!
#Whar#whst is even going on#I’m gonna beat the shit out of you tumblr what the fuck is this#Tumblr staff#tumblr news#tumblr#one piece#weird ass clown on my screen#pirate on my screen#wth#(explodes tumblr staff with mind )#The ONE PIECE is real#Going to get rid of Netflix because of this#Netflis#Makes me actively hate ONE PIECE and not want to watch it ever#Why does it make ONE PIECE all capitals
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one thing about shrooms that i didnt expect was that it'd make me pagan lmfao
#that 6g trip a few months ago was#intense to say the least#it only just now registered that i am what one would consider a pagan#shrooms are weird like that lmao#tho i dont subscribe to a specific mythos because i dont believe in any capital G Gods#i believe that god is what connects literally everything in existence both living and inanimate#we all originate from the big bang and thats cool#we are literally matter given the ability to be aware of the fact that it is matter#i believe that every individual perceives reality in their own ways that are incomprehensible to anyone else#idk if i believe in spirituality so to speak but from personal experience there are energies to people and places that idk how to explain#i believe that humans as a species are inherently superstitious to a degree so why not embrace it a lil#i think that there is more to reality than we can perceive and i think that just comes with the ability to recognize yourself in the mirror
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sorry if I don’t remember your name or conversations/experiences or basic things about myself, every few weeks my brain gets factory reset and I have to relearn how to be alive
#lighthearted but also serious bc what is going on here buddy#been feeling weird as hell these past few months#like I can remember some stuff… but it doesn’t feel normal to forget the names of anyone I haven’t seen/heard the name of in a few days#or forget about basic interests and personality traits and experiences and feel like a blank slate every day#idk like ultimately life goes on and I’m happy to live in the moment but it would be nice to understand why my brain is doing this#just thinking#meposting#I think my brain just. does this sometimes when I’m stressed. which is annoying#I recall (lmao) feeling similar during earlier parts of life so this isn’t *new* it’s just unexpected and much more disruptive as an adult#I’m feeling better about it than I was. after like. acknowledging it. bc my mind has not always felt like a sieve it isn’t always this bad.#whatever#I’ll tag as dissociation just in case it’s related/reminiscent and ppl don’t want to see that#dissociation#me and her go way back… haven’t seen each other in years though#she wasnt all bad! coping mechanisms can provide relief and a sense of safety#and as far as coping mechanisms go it’s not the most unhealthy. though it ranks high in ‘socially stunting’#I kind of miss the distance sometimes to be honest everything’s just So Much all the time#I’m so solid now#so stuck in the ruts of capitalism#fuck capitalism#I wish my imagination didn’t feel so dulled#sorry I love talking#and I don’t miss dissociation when I feel mentally present because I feel so Here with the people and things I love but rn?#it’s like a lose-lose bc I am not Here nor am I untethered. I’m heavy yet hold nothing#I enjoy being dramatic/poetic about it — I feel pretty fine. I just hope this isn’t a permanent and/or long-term state of existence.#like it makes me awful at my job I went from remembering a solid amount of the student body’s names (built up over a few years) to. like 5.#overnight it felt like. like Stressful Thing happened and I went to work and I couldn’t remember anyone’s names.#can’t believe I have to start from fucking scratch AGAIN I’d be better off quitting and working at a different school#bc at least then my lack of knowledge/remembering is justified rather than strange and seemingly rude#I’m getting better now but at the beginning of this it was blue screen in my brain all the time
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Daily Log 4
Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.
Activities: Woke up late because I went back to sleep with a headache briefly, then kind of struggled to focus all day ToT
Worked more on the aforementioned tapestry/painting type of thing. I've done the base layer of painting for the main image, now I'm lining in darker outlines. I wanted to finish the center art before getting into the intricate borders. Still haven't translated the text lol..
Made a small bowl and also a little box with a lid out of more avocado pits. Still just with random nail cuticle tool things and kitchen knives, as I don't have proper carving tools.
Finished editing and proofreading the new poll adventure post!! I don't have time to post it tonight because I need to get to sleep early but.. I have it Completely 100% Ready.. finally..
Also washed the clothes I got together yesterday. Called about the bloodwork. Sent an email to a doctor.
Reviewed some writing documents to get back into my game maybe?? (basically, I started working on a visual novel type game a few years ago, decided it was a huge project so kind of put it on the backburner for a while in favor of things that were more easily finishable/tangible. then later on a game website I play (similar to neopets or something, there are collectable little creatures, etc.) there was an opportunity for me to design a pet on site, so I made a smaller shorter visual novel centered around that, where people on the site have to play the game in order to earn the pet, and I have a google form for them to answer a few short questions about it. All of the feedback is quite positive (reached 200 responses a while ago! though still only like 4 comments on the itch.io page lol.. Mandatory Form vs. Optional Comments evil showdown), but sometimes I get commentary that's really enthusiastic and inspires me to start back working on the OTHER bigger game. The small game was kind of like, a proof of concept that was safe because I had a guaranteed audience, that has helped me gain more insight for the larger one.
Anyway, since I've abandoned the Main Large Game for so long, I have to re-read and review/probably rewrite A LOT of things just to pick it back up again as A Thing I'm Actively Working On, so it's another one of those tasks that I do maybe 45 minutes of and then realize it's going to take days and days and get discouraged lol..
Notable sights: Saw two cats in windows. No clovers. It rained a little today but I didn't get to go outside and see it. One of the pieces of asparagus in the fridge was like the size of a carrot, comically overgrown downright ridiculous looking asparagus. Maybe I'll get taller after eating it.
Goals moving forward: Consistent sleep schedule. Focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Plant nasturtiums. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc.
Notable foods: ASPARAGUS AGAIN BABEY.. yeaAAAAGHHH asparagus squad !!!!!!
#just posting these publicly since it feels more like I'm doing something or easier to hold yourself accountable if you make public#declarations of goals and progress or etc. .. perhaps.. for now..#I wonder if you can eat too much asparagus. Hopefulyl I don't get sick ghjbj#Still craving lots of savory foods and soups. Also in a big big worldbuilding mood.#Not enough to actually edit the worldbuilding slideshow videos apparently since I've barely done any of that all week#>:Y#(they are different though.. actively writing wolrdbuilding is different from like.. editing recordings of you talking about it#BUT STILL...)#In an ideal world I have a little house in scotland or canada or something and am sitting cozy by a window watching it#rain whilst I eat lasagna and like a huge buffet table of every single hearty food I am having Anemia Cravings for#and my cat is sitting near me and I am furiously sketching various designs for different worldbuilding details. I have finally found#a weird hermit platonic best friend I'm compatible enough to live with and they are up in the attic doing their own weird little hobbies#but every once in a while I can call them down and tell them about an idea so we can bounce concepts off of each other. I somehow walk away#with no heartburn or stomach upset or nausea despite eating 800 plates of craving foods. It's cold and summer#does not exist anymore but not in a Catastrophic For The Earth type of way more in a like.. I am in a magical bubble#that only affects my direct vicinity and sheilds me from the temperature ever getting above 65F#(also I have a comfortable amount of money and good doctors and reasonable health etc. etc. but that's a given in any Ideal Scenario lol)#oughh... I just want to eat hearty breakfast foods and think about elves for 5 hours.. is that so much to ask#Why must... responsibilities... capitalism... limited time and no energy to focus on 100 projects at once... why these things...#ANYWAY#daily log
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Rationally i know the friction i feel being back to being confronted daily to viewpoints and worldviews completely different than my own, sometimes completely divorced from statistic reality and deeply entrenched in mainstream biases and pernicious conservative rhetoric at uni (tho i can’t stand when it comes from professsors holding it as normal and neutral)(and it’s not like there are no divergences in my family or in my friendgroup), in dating, meeting new people, and on the internet, seeing art betraying biases i oppose to, sharing space with bigots is necessary to keep being grounded in reality.
On the other hand it feels like there are oceans of incomprehension between each and every person in this world, that i feel even while talking to or seeing art by people with extremely similar experiences as me, even with people with similar political ideas, the amount of bigotry to tackle in the world feels overwhelming, and im having constant paralyzing existencial crisis and worrying about environmental practices and structural inequality caused by capitalism and it’s. Not Fun.
There’s been many a study on alternative cultures and people joining them for merely shallow rebelious aesthetic reasons (hello to my friend’s « former punk » controlling dad spewing sexist victim blaming bullshit), and being alt doesn’t make you a good person, but man i wish some queer, vegan, punk and zero waste statements like « respecting people’s boundaries is crucial » « nobody gets to determine someone else’s gender » « gender stereotypes and language are human constructs people get to redefine for themselves, assuming someone to be any gender identity, or to have certain sexual roles because of their adoption of some socially gendered codes is bad » « gender and racial stereotyping in fiction feed irl discrimination and reflect on the author’s inability to question the world they live in (looking at you, comformist sci fi and fanfic writers obsessed with racist top and bottom headcanons) » « mainstream art seeks to reinforce capitalist ideals and the art financed through capitalism is enslaved to it » « cisheteronormativity flattens people who bow to it to unhappy stereotypes » « generalizations of entire groups are mere practical shortcuts, consquences of overly essemtialist thinking, and deny the diversity inherent to every human group » « people have a right to all harmless self expression » « people aren’t their governments » « destroying the environment is bad and we should do what we can to do as little as possible and reverse the damage of ultra capitalist urban lifestyles» « the western world being built on colonialism and continuing global exploitation through capitalism is bad actually, as is the average lifestyle being deeply wasteful » « racism and racial stereotypes bad » « you should get shit second as much as possible, make your own or pay well a craftsperson if you can » were baseline mainstream opinions and not shit that will get you looked at like an alien for saying out loud. Not that this isn’t still fringe for a lot of queer. Actually im tired of people’s political short sightedness in general
Like sure people grow and on average i want to believe less bigoted (although stats show in Europe the youth is more likely to believe someone caused their own poverty i know it’s cause some have not yet faced hardships getting a job but omg we are not making it out of the classist coalmine) but omg the amount of work to get to an ethical world, probably never in my lifetime, the moral rottenness of European islamophobia and zionism im witnessing daily, and the ticking clock of climate change. I feel like im going mad
#i cant even imagine what it’ll be when i finally get a job and have to deal with the horrors of employment#sam speaks#the only ppl i seem to be able to communicate with are the one trans girl that did the first step because I was wearing a trans badge#my gay looking (no look to queerness ykwim) philo teacher and my marxist english teacher#also again omg the maturity gap in just 3 years. babies. and with no self awareness but that’s the adults too-#im going insane we all had philosophy classes on bias construction and limitations of personal experience why doesn’t anyone seem to take it#into account in their day to day life and it so set in their ways#(insert disclaimer about capitalism and time theft to keep disadvantaged people ignorant)#not to sound like victor hugo but my god the politics of ignorance#this isn’t arguing for moral and aesthetic homogeneity but idk how to deal with the identitary hyperfragmentation and just how niche and alt#my personal set of morals are#im tired of being deemed weird on EVERY aspect of my life from gender to waste management#did you know brain owning is a curse
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idk how to reconcile my new self with my old self. also i fucking hate waiting. GRAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
#delete later#im getting a taste of my own medicine bc when im overwhelmed depressed etc i don’t even open emails or dms or whatever and then ifeel guilty#and let them build up and run away from them and literally do not reply for years. but ive been waiting for like 5 different but related#replies for 3ish days at this point and im soooooo impatient omg i want to bash my head into the wall.. and afaik no one i messaged has#opened the message despite being active online elsewhere which is EXACTLY what i do so i have no right to complain at all. but still. omggg#i just have a simple question (me and the ps5 voice) reply to my message boy#purrs#also.. ok yeah im gonna be honest about it even if there are consequences lol. idk why im on such a mission to get back all my old#characters but if i don’t i can and will go crazy. i don’t even do that kind of thing anymore and d*viantart is an irreversibly warped#landscape due in part to capitalism and in part to own mistakes and selfish actions. and i truly feel like my tumblr mutuals are the only#ones who understand me and feel safe and cozy on here. but i miss my old internet home. and i really miss my old internet friends and seeing#all the jokes we had and how we were all like interconnected w the same adopt groups and stuff and now we don’t even talk… it makes me so#sad and i feel weird messaging them just for the purpose of asking if they can give me back characters i gave them 4 years ago like a) you j#just don’t do that kind of thing i don’t think but b) it feels so transactional and would make the part of saying hey our friendship was#important to me when i was a teenager and even though we don’t talk anymore i think of you fondly and wish you well. like lollllll. and i#feel cringe even tracking them down / messaging them bc we are all jn our 20s now… embarrassing. but i am so mad at myself for letting those#friendships wither (not that i have the spoons to sustain them these days anyway but still) and for not keeping bettr track of my characters#when i sold them and for giving them up in the first place and for letting my old internet life just fall apart due to neglect bc it puts me#in a bind to try to piece it together again no matter how i try it and i shouldn’t try anyway. but i am so tempted to rn. lol#* itd make saying stuff abt appreciating friendship weird bc there’s a transaction tied in (source: i did this and feel weird and bad)#like the way i want to SCREAM seeing that dA ate all of the journals i made when i was a 14 year old and turned them into glitched polls. th#the way the wayback machine has terrible unreliable records of everything and i can never get some stuff back / track some stuff down. pain#anyways it’s stupid bc i feel cozy and listened to and as connected as i have the energy to be to all of u guys so why am i doing this. but#i miss the dA stuff too and i wish it wasn’t cringe and i wish i could have everything that’s ever been part of me all in one place. lol#also this doesn’t even take into account my poetry community on dA on my other account who i also felt so safe and cozy with and i abandoned#that too and lost touch with basically everyone even though we all knew each others deepest secrets for years.. the heartsickness of it all#anyways mutuals who knew me on deviantart i am clutching both your hands with impassioned urgency and kissing u on the cheeks. that’s all
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