#TW will be stated in posts
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Hi, Hi. Pleased to meet everyone.
This is an RP and art blog. The Pressure hyperfixation/obsession refuses to let me go :>
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Rps:
Actions border with *.
Character speech is ".
Mod is [ ], usually I would speak to you in the tagged section unless I needed to say something important.
Mod goes by he/they.
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Art:
For now, I'll be doing SFW and slightly suggestive content.
I do plan on practicing gore. I'll make sure to create that tag so that there's an option for it to be blocked.
Violence is going to show up here. The severity will be said in post or tags.
I'll be doing traditional and digital drawings. Whether I'll be posting WIPs or finished works, we'll see in the future.
Expect depictions of mental health issues. (Those who expect tame/subtle, tread carefully. I'll make sure to make tags so that you have an option to view it.)
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Where I am in Pressure:
As I said, I am highly fixated on the game, so feel free to talk just about anything related to me. Except the drama.
I have played and completed the current ending.
I do have most of the classified files and monster files, I'm just missing two slots in each of those categories.
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General rules and DNIs:
Be respectful to others(Mod and users).
Unless permission is granted, don't interfere RPs.
No slurs. Yes, even if you're in the community that reclaimed one. It's better to be safe than sorry.
I may do art requests or go along with Anon RPs. Not a high chance though.
Do not be transphobic, homophobic, misogynistic, heterophobic, racist, those general things. I don't tolerate disrespect and neither should you.
You have an issue with something on here, talk to me in messages.
Be goofy and silly all you want. Just don't weaponize that to harass people. I've had enough of that irl and I do not want to resort dealing with that here as well. Just be a decent sentient lifeform and don't do it. It's not worth anyone's time and it's not hard to be a good person.
Have fun. We're here for a good time. Not a bad one.
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Pressure OC info:
Name: Seven
Age: 29 (in the current timeline of Pressure taking place.)
Gender: Transgender male
Pronouns: He/they
Visual hints: Slicked back hairstyle (hints of greying), nose bridge crooked to the right, lack of skin on left side of face, missing left eye, pudgy pear-shaped body, birthmark under right eye, scratches on face and neck, stoic expression.
Height: 5'7"
Species: Human
Personality: Tends to be friendly, though will be hostile when they or others they love are being threatened. His level of patience varies with his mood.
Role: Previously an experiment, now a supply collector for the shop.
Allies: Sebastian Solace, Eyefestation, and P.AI.nter.
Likes: Food, scavenging, exploring, doodling, joking.
Dislikes: Wall Dwellers (To a specific margin. They only hate Wall Dwellers because they get attacked by those a lot.), Anglers, going near exposed electricity, gunshots, being threatened, and occasionally loud noises.
Bad triggers: Gunshots, loud sounds, s**cide and electricity
Visual depiction:
Notes:
Just a placeholder look for now. They can be in any outfit you like if you wanna draw them yourself.
If they smile too often, the de-skinned part of their face will start hurting and bleed.
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Notes from mod: My pressure AU is mostly catered to my self indulgence, so expect a few characters being ooc (Ex: Sebastian Solace, Painter, ect).
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Specific tags:
#Behind the Mind - Events that happen in my AU
#Seven lore - Self explanatory
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That is all for now, thank you for reading 'til the end, dear viewer. ^^
#pressure#roleplay#lgbtq friendly#TW will be stated in posts#hiiiii#Will update this in the future.#safe space
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art dump It’s mostly tommy sorry
#and also mostly blood !#some of these are kind of old. i’ve been messing with my designs a bit recently#hlvrai#tommy coolatta#hlvrai tommy#dr bubby#hlvrai bubby#benrey#benry#hlvrai benrey#hlvrai benry#tw blood#tw nosebleed#my art#now don’t post again for another week i’m going to be out of state
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TW- GORE / BODY HORROR
Currently toying with the idea that if Shadow abuses the doom morphing powers too much/ too quickly sometimes his body will fail or struggle to return to it's original state cause his cells get confused and it results in some craaaazy painful and grotesque moments he has to endure for a hot minute till his cells remember what they're supposed to be doing!!!
god forbid he has to harbor in Sonic's (Tails') house instead of his own or Rouge's if it happens
#yeah its lowkey an excuse for me to draw gore#catch me posting the entire fic blueprint i had written out for this concept during a state of mania at 5 am#tears apart your little meow meow#sorry for the gore jumpscare gang#sth#sonic#sonic the hedgehog#sonic x shadow generations#shadow the hedgehog#sonadow#shadonic#doom morph#tw gore#tw body horror#sonics a FREAK freak#my art
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49.......48...........
#neil josten#all for the game#aftg neil#aftg#nathaniel wesninski#aftg trilogy#aftg fanart#aftg fandom#the foxhole court#palmetto state foxes#digital#fan art#illustration#pretend i posted this on the 19th#happy unbirthday neil#version two electric boogaloo#tw blood
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I feel like something a lot of people miss when discussing DC canon is context.
(Warning: Mentions of canon sexual assault scenes)
So today I saw a discussion about Alfred's fanon perception versus canon reality. I wouldn't say op was criticizing people for thinking of him as a sweet old man, merely just pointing out that he's canonly not so innocent and it goes unaddressed. He was the one who nudged Tim into the Robin mantle and he was the one who stripped it from him and gave it to Damian without asking. There's a whole plotline about how he had a daughter that he abandoned. He was the one who put up the "soldier" plaque memorial. All of these things are true, however, I don't think it was the writers' intentions to paint a lot (not all) of his actions as negative. In fact, the writing often goes out of its way to paint Alfred as a martyr. That doesn't make his actions right, nor does it mean that someone is wrong for being upset with him, but it also means that people aren't stupid or wrong for interpreting his character as this beacon of virtue. It's also notable that most people are probably more acquainted with his animated and film adaptations where he hasn't done any of the things I've listed.
Context is always important when analyzing media, but it is ESPECIALLY important when discussing DC because of the sheer volume of authors writing for a single character.
This is why there are so many arguements about whether or not Bruce is a bad father. When you have so many authors writing a character for close to a century, you're going to have inconsistencies and their takes on the character will contradict. We can go in circles bringing up issues that prove either side, but it's futile. Everyone is entitled to their feelings towards things that happen in canon, but I don't think it's fair to pass ultimate judgement based on something that was often written by one shitty writer.
Now disregarding DC canon is something the fandom is selectively good at, but the curtesy is not extended evenly. Going back to Alfred for a moment. A legit criticism of the writing is that he abandoned his daughter and that isn't really addressed outside of the issue that introduced it. And I think the reality is that DC often recognizes their mistakes after the fact and isn't equipped to handle the conversations they start so they quietly retcon. Which isn't great, but I also think it's a silent mercy. See not addressing something is bad, but putting out offensive media is more detrimental IN MY OPINION.
This is even more evident when it comes to DC's history with depicting sexual assault. They constantly back themselves into corners. I really appreciated that Gail Simone's Batgirl run retconned the Joker's sexual assault against Barbara. SA is something that is important to talk about but it's also something that needs to be treated with care. What happened to Barbara was not a productive conversation. There were so many gross undertones of the Joker specifically sexually assaulting her. Same with Talia sexually assaulting Bruce. There are very real racist undertones. There is a time and place to discuss male victims and the way male rape victims are written off, but the story is not concerned with having that conversation. So now we’re not only not having that conversation but we’re also stereotyping and villainizing POC women which also has real world consequences.
Now this next part might get me boos from the audience but to me this also extends to Dick and Tarantula. I know a lot of people want DC to acknowledge what happened, but to that I'm like why? Devin Grayson is a notably bad writer when it comes to Dick. There are racist undertones to having Tarantula sexually assault Dick. Devin is literally known for making Dick Roma for fetish reasons. Before this Dick Grayson was a white character, who was already written to be flirty and sexual. These are all important things to consider about the context of the writing. I think it would actually be best if DC did what Gail Simone did with Batgirl. I think it’s unfair to not give these WOC characters the same treatment of understanding when their actions are shitty because of shit authors.
Real world context is vital for understanding these fictional stories. Batman can't kill because that would mean they would have had to be constantly introducing new villains and it would be less child friendly. Robin was introduced to the story because they were trying to market to children. Batman continuing to recruit children is about marketing to kids. The hyper-focus on Dick's romantic life was in part an effort to fight gay allegations. These are all important factors to consider if you're discussing DC critically.
Like realistically yeah it sucks so bad that Alfred and Bruce allowed children to fight crime. But it's also notable to mention that Dick forced Bruce's hand, Bruce was really trying to stop this kid from murdering a man. It was a compromise. Alfred and Dick may have pushed Tim to become Robin but he was already one foot out the door. Damian and Cass were trained by assassins. None of these kids are realistic depictions of children, even if they are relatable. When you read a superhero comic you are suspending a certain level of disbelief and I don't think it's the hot take people think it is to criticize Batman for allowing kids to fight.
Like cool, then we don't have a story. Nothing about superheroes are realistic. Why is this the line we draw in the sand?
I didn't know when to bring this up, so I'm going to awkwardly tack it on at the end. So the "Nothing Butt Nightwing" webcomic... Yeah it looks not good, but a lot of people are calling it out for sexualizing Dick, which once again to me fails to understand the outside context. There is a difference between sexualizing and sexualization of an ethnicity. As I mentioned, for most of Dick's run he was a white character who was written to be flirty. Devin was fetishizing him, but allowing Dick to remain a flirty character is not an act of fetish based sexualization. Personally I think it’s more harmful to get rid of core aspects of his character now that he is canonly Romani. Not to mention that if we address the SA with his character we are now back in this place of stereotyping and bad undertones. So until DC is ready to tell a legitimate story about male SA victims I'd rather the Dick Grayson thing be left silently in the past. I'm so hyper aware that I'm in the minority though. I agree it could be really powerful to have one of those stories be told but consider how harmful it would be to continue to imply these things about WOC.
#a bit of a rant#dc#dc comics#dick grayson#bruce wayne#alfred pennyworth#batman#robin#tw sa mention#in the context of stating that it happened in canon#tw mentions of racism#tw fetishization#in the context of discussing its existence#txt#long post
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TW: Discussion of sexual assault and suicidal ideation
I've been seeing some debate about Calypso and whether or not she sexually assaulted Odysseus and I want to throw in my two cents.
I'll say straight out of the gate that I don't currently like her much. I feel pretty icky about her personally.
Comparing Ody's behavior in Epic prior to "Love in Paradise" vs during the song feels so... clearly different. He seems very traumatized by whatever has been happening on that isle. It almost feels out of character for him to consider dying instead of fighting to get home alive like he had been, but putting myself in his shoes I can see how he came to that through what's textually known. He has been trapped on that isle for 7 years—that's nearly a decade, with no way to get out, everyone he knows and loves dead or far away with no way to know where he is or if he's alive. While I obviously would never think that's a good decision, I can see how he got to the point of wanting to end it. And if he's been sexually assaulted like he was in The Odyssey, I understand it more due to how that can warp a person's mental health.
I've seen some say, "Calypso is just a sweetie who doesn't know how to love properly" (paraphrasing of an actual comment I've seen). Even if she really just doesn't know how to care for a mortal, as many of the gods seemingly don't, I think she understands her power over mortals with her "Bow down now to the immortal Calypso" comment. She also understands that Odysseus doesn't want her, with the first part of her response to Ody's threats being "Oh handsome, you may try". She knows that he may try to escape by killing her (even though she can't die). Honestly, why would she feel the need to trap him if she didn't know good and well that he would want to escape her? She knew what she was doing was something that would make him want to run. Calypso being a goddess automatically gives their dynamic a power imbalance of course. Even though the assault is only implied, the fact that she's trapping Ody against his will, super infatuated by him, and still says "Soon, into bed we'll climb and spend our time", makes me feel like the indication is clear. What's stopping her from trying to have "sex" with him (sex isn't sex without consent)? She's already ignored all his declines. She seems to think that forcing her "love" onto him will make him love her. Yes, she uses lovey-dovey language so I doubt it would've appeared violent, but sexual assault doesn't have to look violent and the perpetrator doesn't have to appear aggressive. It's telling that I've seen some say, "Save that energy for Antinous" because Antinous is much more obviously bad, but this kind of thing isn't always obvious. That kind of assault is still extremely traumatizing whether it's sugarcoated as if it's love or not. It's dismaying that some reactions to Calypso bypass her potential assaulting or "She's weird, but she seems to care for him!" And since the sexual part of the assault is technically subtext (for now, who knows about later), I'll say that even if Calypso didn't sexually harm him, she still forces physical and verbal intimacy onto him and traps him so he can't leave. We see that. That's still assault. The only reason why I don't feel similarly about Epic's version of Circe is that her intent wasn't to have sex with Ody but to distract and throw him off with talk of sex so she could stab him as he's vulnerable; Circe never wanted to have sex with Ody in actuality. Calypso's intent was romantic intimacy and she didn't care if Odysseus said no, she completely bypassed it. Calypso saying "You're mine, all mine" feels as threatening as Circe's "I've got you" was meant to be.
Anything can change between now and the next two sagas. It could either be fully confirmed or denied that sexual assault took place. I actually don't expect either, as I don't think Jay would go too deep into such a traumatic concept in Epic, but then again I also didn't expect suicidal ideation to be brought up at all and it absolutely shocked me when it was, so I could be wrong. But whether it's confirmed or not, I don't blame any Epic fans who don't like Calypso or even hate her over what she did and what it's implied she did. It's icky watching some fans tell others they shouldn't hate Calypso because of this or that as if this isn't a sensitive and complex topic. It's creepy. I don't think we should tell people not to hate a character associated with sexual assault. The sexual assault might be subtext, but subtext is important and sometimes is implemented intentionally. Not every part of a story is going to be given to you at face value. Just because "Epic didn't say that" doesn't mean that the implication doesn't matter. People interact with stories in different ways, so you can disagree with others—no one can take that from you, but you don't get to tell someone they can't feel a certain way about a character. I don't like saying this because I really shouldn't have to put it in this perspective for it to be understood, but I can't help but feel like if Calypso and Ody's genders were swapped some people would treat this implication differently. Sexually or not she hurts him.
Normally I don't like taking lore from The Odyssey and automatically applying it to Epic, as Epic has changed a lot of rules from The Odyssey because Jay wants to tell this story his own story. For example, I personally choose not to assume Eury and Ody are brothers-in-law in Epic like they are in The Odyssey because that hasn't been stated in Epic so far. But to me, the implications of Ody's sexual assault are there enough for me personally to think that it might take place in both stories. Jay seems to want Epic to be accessible to many people, so it doesn't surprise me that this element of The Odyssey was brought up in a more subtextual/"hinted at" way.
Calypso is a very interesting character, maybe the most out of all the Epic antagonists so far for me, but we don't have to think of her as not doing anything wrong in order to enjoy that character, her songs, her cute physical character design, or Barbara Wangui's beautiful voice.
[The remainder of this post contains potential spoilers for the unreleased (to date) Vengeance Saga under the cut]
[Edit: Now complete with some post-Vengeance Saga release points]
Another defense of Calypso I've seen is that in the snippets for "I'm Not Sorry for Loving You", Ody says he loves Calypso, but not in the way she wants him to. This could mean they're friends and therefore doubt about the sexual assault could be cast.
It's hard to assess this because the saga's not out yet, but it's worth remembering that abuse can come out of care, in a complicated way. You can care for someone so much you end up hurting them, usually out of wanting to control them. Calypso seems to fit that concept. And most Epic snippets don't give full context, naturally, so who knows why Ody says this at the moment. Maybe he means it, or maybe he's bluffing to guarantee he'll get what he wants (which is to be set free in this instance), like when meeting Athena, or to appease a god, like when "apologizing" to Poseidon in "Ruthlessness". And of course, victims don't have to hate their perpetrators if they choose not to. Odysseus can care about Calypso and she can still have hurt him really badly. Both of these things can be true.
The way I read it, Calypso doesn't love Odysseus like she thinks she does. She's infatuated by him and cares for him enough to not be obviously cold like all the other obstacles Ody faced initially are. She declares that she loves him as soon as he wakes up on her isle without knowing him at all. She didn't even know his name. The washed-up person on her isle could've been anyone and she likely would've "loved" them. Calypso only loves Ody because he stops her loneliness, not for who he is. When she begins to state that she loves him she doesn't even know him. Over the 7 years, she seems to have potentially gotten to know him a bit, saying "I know your life's been hard", but Odysseus himself asserts that she doesn't really know what he's been through. You can call someone (against their will, let me remind you) "my dear, my love for life" all you want, but that doesn't mean you love them. Ody's her first companion in years if not ever, of course she cares for him on a basic level. She won't kill him or let him jump off a cliff. But she doesn't love him or treat him like a human and obey his boundaries and wants. She treats him like an object or pet she owns and has to guard.
In "I'm Not Sorry For Loving You" Calypso says that Ody is all she's ever known because she was abandoned. It's understandable that she would latch onto a living creature after being alone for so long. But that's not necessarily love, at least not to me. If I love someone I wouldn't bypass their refusal to do something. And I wouldn't trap them with me and not let them go, even when they're about to jump off a cliff because they see no way out. I'm not sure if Calypso means to bring malice, she at least says she "bring(s) no pain", but she does regardless or if she intends to. Calypso hasn't had anyone in her company, let alone someone to love, for so long, maybe in her whole life. That's why she doesn't know what love is, so of course when she catches fickle feelings for Odysseus she assumes that's love and has no clue what to do with her "love", as she admits in "I'm Not Sorry For Loving You". Calypso's actions are understandable, but that doesn't mean they're excusable or not abusive. What she does to him is understandable, but selfish and only serves herself, which isn't what you do to someone you love. Note that the way I use understandable here does not equate to forgivable, it just means conceivable. And her apology to him really waters down the magnitude of her actions, saying she "pushed" him, "came on too strong", and that her love might've been "too much" for Ody.
I apologize for this being such a long rant, but I wanted to cover all the excuses for Calypso I'd seen and speak my mind on why I think they're misguided at best.
Post-Vengeance Saga Edits:
Now that The Vengeance Saga has been released, I can comfortably say that I still don't like Calypso, and I think this saga just encourages me to do that. I wasn't anticipating the entirety of "I'm Not Sorry for Loving You" to basically have been featured in the snippets. I was expecting the official song to give more context, maybe showcasing Ody and Calypso having a dialogue, but no! That was really it. And I'm honestly happy for it. It seems like the show recognizes that Calypso is in the wrong, with the way we aren't meant to really ruminate on Ody leaving her. The excuse I talked about above using the theory that Calypso and Odysseus would turn out to have been friends because he said he loved her? I just don't think that held much water by release. I particularly want to point out the way @gigizetz drew Ody's face as he leaves in the commissioned animatic from Jay's stream:
While I can't say for certain that he doesn't mean the "I love you" in some way... he doesn't look like he means it to me. There's no lovey-softness in his eyes, like you might have when you look at your friends when saying I love you. He looks beaten down. Tired. Above, I proposed that Ody might just be blowing smoke to further get what he wants from her. I don't think there's quite enough insight for me to say I was necessarily right on that, but Ody doesn't actually appear that attached to her, certainly not enough so for me to confidently say that I think his "I love you" is genuine. He doesn't even look like he'll miss her, he looks beyond ready to go as she shouts, not pained by her tears. Honestly, Ody might've just said that so she'd stop talking so he could leave. Now there is one more saga left, so maybe he'll wistfully mention or remember her, but I'm not really expecting it based on the official visuals that Jay okay'd. Humbly, I'll say that I don't think Odysseus feels much for Calypso. We don't get happy moments of them together and not even a proper goodbye filled with mutual pain. We just get her backwards apology that basically says, "Sorry I hurt you, but not fully. Shut up and let me talk about me and justify why I trapped you. Wish you'd stop rejecting me despite the fact that I've hurt you. Let me shout that I hate that I fell for you—only because this hurt me unlike I wanted when I kidnapped you—who cares if it hurt you." This moment is not at all a redemption for Calypso. It's her downfall. Her negative character arc. She didn't want to be alone so bad she trapped a person against his will and now she is alone forever (in this show). She can't even have Ody as a friend (and she won't accept purely his friendship anyway based on how the song ends). Who knows how different things would've been if she had just been more... normal when he washed up on her isle? The situation was tragic for them both in different ways, but I'm not sorry for Calypso. Calypso is so interesting as a character. Side-lining her actions just bards us from being able to assess her.
#and this was a posibly bit petty and trivial so i didn't include it in the post#but when she called him “ody” that really rubbed me the wrong way#it's just... too intimate for her to use when he's so venerable#who's to say at this time if she knew that gravity of all the things she stated during the cliff scene but jezz man...#epic the musical#the wisdom saga#odysseus#calypso#jorge rivera herrans#tw sex assault#tw sex abuse#tw sa#tw sui ideation#tw sui talk
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I'm begging abled people to stop saying, "I'd rather die than have [disability]!" or, "how could you not choose to die?" about disabled people being disabled. This especially for those who have an acquired disability.
Maybe this sounds harsh, but if you value the function of your body to the point where you would sacrifice your life over it, that's your business and solely your business. However, that disabled person exists right now. They exist in the same world as you, with a disability you personally would rather die than have. They are alive right now. How the fuck are you going to choose to treat them? Because telling them or implying you'd want to die than be like them is certainly not a good sign.
#disability#disability advocacy#ableism#ableism tw#death tw#brought to you by the top comment of a disabled woman's post being '[if that were me] just pull the plug'#and ALL THE REPLIES being '😂' or 'same!!!' or 'lmao i couldn't be like that'#like. what the fuck. that woman is still alive#she deserves to be alive actually! SHE HAS A LIFE. SHE DID NOT LOSE IT WHEN SHE BECAME DISABLED#like. that's ghoulish behaviour#i'm sorry but i find it fundamentally disgusting. i would rather be anything but like... /that/ (telling disabled people shit like that)#and shoutout to the woman in the video. i hope she is happy and she knows just how intrinsically valuable she and her life are#there is no disability - no state of being - which would ever take a person's value away
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#destiel meme news#destiel meme#news#united states#us news#world news#nicki minaj#amsterdam#tw drugs#light day for me as i get back into the swing of things#will post MUCH more now i promise 🫡
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I wrote a very pained, depressive and dark post, even maybe too dark for this blog, but I ultimately decided to publish it, just because this pain has always been invisible in me, and I want to be able to say something. If you're going to read it, there's a lot of mention of death and contemplation of suicide in it, and a lot of painful emotion. Maybe someone will resonate with it and find words to describe their own pain. I also want to note that even though every word of it is true, I am most of the time completely dissociated from this, I'm not actively thinking it, and it came out now because my parents are actively trying to find me and disrupting the life I've tried to make for myself.
What my parents did to me is worse than death, they erased me. When I escaped I didn't know who I was, I had no hope to survive, I didn't think I was worth anything, I felt ashamed to even exist. I was suicidal, i thought I'd be dead within a month even if I don't do it myself. I didn't think I had it in me to survive, to be alive, to be anything. I was a less than a ghost, I didn't even have memories to remember of who I once was because there was no warm memories, only violence, blame, guilt, shame, pain, terror. I was supposed to be a person, and they put me in a state where I knew nothing about being a person, only property and a target, it was my entire life. I was told I deserved this, I was a monster, there was never anything else that is correct to do to me, but hurt me. I thought it was my job to be endlessly harmed. They knew I was suicidal and didn't stop. The only reason I didn't kill myself was the dissociative disorder that functioned like a suicide prevention measure, I physically could not have done it because I have been split into pieces and one of the pieces prevented me from doing it. I would have died otherwise.
What would a quick violent death be compared to this? A fucking blessing. I was slowly tortured until I was willing to kill myself in order to end it. They didn't want to dirty their hands with my murder, they planned on torturing me until I did it to myself. I had an intense drive to survive despite everything, and even that was getting erased. My basic instincts were being erased by the amount of pain I was in. My personality was gone, I didn't even have a personality, it was all overwhelmed by pain and desperation to both survive and end it all, I walked trough life looking death in the face the entire time, it felt so close, so close to me, like it would claim me any second, but I had to stay stoic, calm, me staring down death had to be invisible, I couldn't let it show. It shouldn't have mattered to anyone what I was experiencing. I was torn between life and death, stuck in constant anticipation of it and it couldn't have mattered.
Take a person, any person, imagine them having a life, family, friends, interests, hobbies, desires, dreams, loved ones, support, community. Now imagine that same person isolated, everything stripped away from them, and them being hurt until they can no longer remember anything they wanted to live for. Even their basic instinct to survive is stripped frm them as pain is too large for them to be able to sustain themselves, there's no longer anything in this person's life worth living for, nothing they remember about who they were, no warm thought they can think about themselves, and they're repeatedly told they deserve this, they've wanted this. Until there's nothing of them left.
That was me, but from the start. I didn't get to experience having a life, family, loved ones, interests, dreams, community, or any of that first, I didn't get to know how it was to have any of that! From the very start it was pain and being told that this is all there is, and that I'm stupid for ever thinking there would be anything more to life, that it is in fact, only terror and death and I'm a weakling for not taking it better, everyone else is dealing with this just fine. Shame and guilt were the only traits I could have, I didn't know anything further about me. Nobody knew me because nobody saw me being abused. Nobody could know I was worthless, it had to be my private hell. I would have to live only to the point where it was decided that it was enough and I had to die, or until the point where I couldn't take it anymore and take my own life, even though I so strongly didn't want to, even that basic desire was tempered with and overwritten by pain.
Who would want a life like that? Life of not only being aware that nobody cares about you, but everyone around you is willing to inflict pain on you until you wish to die, but can't. Where crying and screaming is forbidden even when you can't breathe from the amount of pain you're in; you're not even allowed to cry out. You fight with yourself every day on how badly you want to die and why you can't, and it doesn't help, you get lost in magical thinking in order to escape from the hell you're in, but you're brutally reminded of it every time you interact with anyone, when they find you hiding under the bed and dreaming. You don't even know that you're supposed to have loved ones, be safe, be unharmed, that life is supposed to be different, that you're not alive only to be a target, that you're worth anything. You don't even know that you're supposed to have more freedom in life than to choose the manner and time of your death, this is all that's dealt to you. And now, live, see how far you can get before you die. Would anyone choose that? Would anyone decide to be born into a life like that? Wouldn't you choose not to exist at all rather than be put trough that? To be erased and then having to keep on living while thinking you in fact, deserve death, and should do it yourself, and you know if you do die, it won't matter, just like your life didn't? Because people around you regularly nearly kill you and then laugh about it like it was a funny joke? They humiliate you for how ugly you look close to death? You're scared that your last moment will be humiliation for how unseemly your corpse looks and you're hoping you'd be able to die alone, to not be berated as you're dying.
Death is nothing to me compared to this. Waiting to die is worse than death. Endless anticipation of pain is worse than death. Having everything about you erased by pain is worse. Not knowing anything about yourself except that you are incredibly shameful existence and that you need to feel guilty all of the time, is worse. Watching people around you receive care and warmth while you're stuck watching death in the face silently, pretending it's not happening, and trying to not have anyone's attention on yourself because someone noticing means more pain, more shame and guilt. It's worse. Kill me any fucking day. But this will always be worse. Every time I face the reality of my life I wish I had died in the womb, at childbirth, I wish I had died when I was 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 12, any time before I experienced all this. It would have been so much less pain. It would have been so much easier on me.
And I've already given up on ever having a place in anyone's heart, because at this point, I don't have it in me to make people love me. I have nothing about me that is other people find worth caring for, I made peace with it. There will be no loved ones, and thats fine. But at least then I should get to live my life alone the way I want it. I should find joy in being who I found I am, and doing what I want to do. I should get to do things that give me a little bit of pleasure and enjoyment, and I should be safe, and death should no longer come knocking at my door, staring me down like I owe it something. If I can't even have that, then to hell with everything. What is the fucking point of anything if all my life is a continued slow torture until I can no longer bear it. I have nobody to bear it for, nobody would be harmed by my death. But I also don't deserve to die, because I want to live, and this should be mine. Who the fuck dares to try and take this away from me again. I want to fucking explode. If I have to make my own justice then how do I do it. I literally just want to live. And I see other people having at least that much secured for them. Why can't I at least have that much. I am seriously asking for the bare fucking minimum.
#tw suicidal thoughts mention#tw mention of torture#tw child abuse#dark post#dark thoughts#child abuse#living in abuse#experience of living in an abusive family#i wasn't thinking all this as a child#i only remember guilt shame pain and contemplation of death#but now when i experience it back#this is what i feel over and over again#tw child torture#tw psychological torture#also looking back i don't think my state was that invisible#i was scared of everything locked in my room hiding in unusual places#saying how i won't be alive for much longer#doing self harm that everyone knew about#had signs of being sexually abused all over me#scared of touch#it was pretty blatant that i was not okay#but there was nobody who would want to bring it up or even give me a bit of care about it#i was left to it all by myself
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Fandom is filled with people who would suck at D&D because they can't separate what the viewer knows from what the character knows. It's simply wild to say that Vi knew her sister was feeling suicidal when all she saw was Jinx refuse to fight on behalf of Piltover.
The viewer knows where Jinx's mind is at because we see her hallucination of Silco and we've seen her previous attempts. Vi doesn't know any of this in its full context. Without that prior knowledge "break the cycle" can just as easily be about opting out of the endless fighting, which is what she essentially says she's doing. For all Vi knows, she just plans to disappear again instead of accepting the offer to step more into the light.
A lot of this season has been about Vi coming to accept who her sister actually is, that just because she's all grown up now and doesn't need a protector that doesn't mean she's broken or gone, and now Jinx says she doesn't want Vi to follow her. People mad as hell at Vi for, as far as she knows, just doing what her adult sister asked her to do.
Butch can't ever catch a break.
#do i even bother to post this? i dunno#is it worth the headache?#i dunno#but i find it WILD that this is just being stated as fact over and over#i should probably express this more gently but i just don't have the energy lol#vi arcane#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane spoilers#arcane#jinx#suicide tw
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Shout out to my partner who made me cum so hard on a call that I still can't feel my legs
#they have this voice they do and ohhhh my god#they ruined my underwear from tw states over Jesus fuckin Christ#my post
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its not trauma . youre not the problem so treating your pain like its in the distant past that you shouldve already overcome and that getting past it is only your own responsibility is not right . We should instead see it as our collective problem and transform our communities so the harm you suffered isnt perpetuated anymore, isnt possible anymore, is actually prevented from happening again. Your trauma doesnt live in your head, your body, your mind it lives in all of us, collectively. What happened was only possible to happen because none of us are safe and we need to transform our relationships to each other to achieve safe communities that actually centre our needs. instead of driving us insane and then telling us that its our responsibility fault.
#transformative justice instead of trauma therapy#communal care instead of state sanctioned violence#anti psych#mad liberation#anti psychiatry#mad punk#my post#aspd#ptsd#cptsd#bpd#npd#trauma#schizospec#tw#tw trauma#psych abolition#youth liberation#youthlib#intersectional feminism#feminism#antifa#anarchism#acab#defund the police#prison abolition
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I was laying in bed overthinking, as you do, and started to go on a depressive doom spiral. And then, to distract myself I started thinking about the things I like.
[Spoilers and some gross details incoming, you know what Mouthwashing is about]
So, eventually I started thinking about Curly being in a similar headspace as I was, laying down, incapable of doing anything, constantly in pain and hearing time and time again how quickly things are going to shit and that it's all your fault.
Him replaying his mistakes over and over on his head, imagining the many ways things could've gone a different way if only he had done something instead of ignoring the issues to "keep the peace".
Remembering every interaction that led to the accident, Anya's confession, his friends poorly disguised resentment, him ignoring and filtering details of his crew's mental state, her taking the gun, the notice, Jimmy.
Him being a coward and disguising his hate of confrontation with the guise of being a good friend.
And then comming back to reality, to is burning flesh. To the blood, shit and bile staining the bandages, robe and bed, to watching and hearing his friends suffer and die, unable to do anything.
When the kid dies, in the midst of all the emotional chaos, he feels some sick sense of relief knowing that probably Swansea will deal with both of them quickly and it'll be over at last.
Then Jimmy finds the gun.
And he can't help but laugh. He remembers the conversation they had and he cackles bitterly because not even in death can her wishes be respected. She trusted him and he failed her even after she was gone.
Soon enough it's just the two of them left.
Through muffled ears he hears Jimmy rambling, talking to himself, asking questions and answering right after, he sees him moving the bodies around. When Jimmy carries him from the infirmary to the common room table he's still as stone, not a sound leaves his mouth, he doesn't look at the bodies thrown on the chairs around the table, he doesn't even breathe.
But all of Jimmy's attention, hatred, idolatry, and envy are on him only. Eyes glossy, cut pieces of a one sided conversation and a tentative smile on his lips when he reaches for the slightly dented knife.
He screams until his lungs close and his throat burns. When he's fed parts of himself he cries and throws up until he is forced to swallow and keep it down.
He's dehidrated, half delirious from the blood loss and emotionally checked out when Jimmy picks him up and tells him they can still fix this, he knows what to do. That he's going home.
Sure, he thinks, he wants to go home.
When he's placed on the cryopod he just stares at Jimmy talk to himself at him some more, about being heroes and everything being all right now. Then he steps out of sight.
It's on the silence after the loud bang when his brain starts working again, he's completely and utterly alone on a crashed ship of a company that's closing it's doors, with a now depleted shipment that wasn't even important enough to guarantee a search party, and no way of fending for himself in the case of 20 years passing and no one coming, even less if the power gave out before that.
As the cryopod finally starts to cool, the few tears he has left fall from his remaining eye.
He hopes he doesn't wake up to see what happens next.
..ok see y'all when I wake up-
#I wish I was better at talking about the themes of the game and characterizing the crew. There's so much I wanna say-#I want to play the game again just to see if I missed anything in here but it's almost 6 am and my brain is shutting down#I would blame stress and insomnia on this but I legit think about this when I come across the tag again#I want to talk about his guilt of wishing he never helped jimmy get the job. how he wished he died first. how his crew didn't deserve it-#and *if* he makes it out. the surviors guilt. the trauma and the pain it would still chase him for the rest of his life#damn. in any sueing case the company could use him being traumatized and vulnerable to make him agree that it was all his fault-#I swear the rest of the time I imagine a what if AU where Jimmy gets yeeted into space by Swansea and they all live happily ever after#this is basically a fic at this point and I'm so sorry but I wrote too much to delete it all now in a state of post revision clarity lmao#me being a dumbass#mouthwashing#tw death#Ideally Anya would be the one throwing him into space. And Swansea would help her bc honestly fuck Jimmy#Curly would be held at arms length until they've gone back home. only left there to pilot them back safely#long ass post#long ass tags
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MESSAGE FOR ALL TMC FANS
Roughly an hour to 2 hours ago there was a post on Twitter calling out Alex Kister and things he did to friends and workers. The information given in through a 10,860 word (27 page) document going over people’s past interactions with him and things he’s done to them. No names are given. As stated before this was released an hour or two so not many people have seen it. It’s still best to spread the word. I will be posting the document here as well as the Twitter user who posted this. THERE ARE NO TWS TO THE DOCUMENT SO I WILL PROVIDE THEM.
This is all the information we have as of right now. We will have to wait for any updates (to come) but as of right now BE ADVISED.
TRIGGER WARNINGS!!
Manipulation, mention of sexual content, death/suicide threats, self harm threats, sexual harassment, hypersexuality, sexualization of non-con, interactions between adult and minor, brief sexualization of minor(s).
IF I MISS ANY TWS PLEASE LET ME KNOW!!!!! I haven’t yet finished the document so there might be some warnings I missed!!!!!!
https://x.com/stirringjuice/status/1767596954748383688?s=46
#mandela#the mandela catalogue#Alex Kister callout post#MAJOR TWS STATED IN THE READMORE SECTION!#We will have to wait for more updates but as of right now BE ADVISED.
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2 giggle-worthy hyperfixations at the same time…
I don’t think my psyche can handle it….
#wild life#wild life series#life series#and#our wonderland#hhhhh#i’m going insane#lunatic behaviour#giggling to myself in my room that I haven’t left in weeks#a little scared of how openly I’m showing my happiness because the delusions of prosecution have been a lil loud#scared that I’m not suffering enough and that *it* will find ways to make sure I’m adequately being punished#idfk man#compulsory tags because I rambled in tags#vent post#positive vent#negative vent#vent#tw delusions#delusions cw#delusion of persecution#again mandatory stating I don’t think *all* of these completely apply but alas I want people to be able to filter out this post adequately#though it must look rather funny to see a post in your life series/our wonderland tag with someone#literally and figuratively#going insane
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The idea that trans people in "safe states" shouldn't still fight for their rights isn't the right thing to do, I think. In fact, I'd caution against complacency. We have to ensure that safe states stay safe states. You cannot assume your rights when they are being taken away in many other states
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#transphobia#transphobia tw#also the idea that safe states are immune from being *unsafe* for trans people is pretty wild#like sure in the USA at least there *are* worse states to be trans in#but i don't think assuming you have rights and will continue to have them in safe states will be the right move#i feel lucky to live where i do and i am grateful that i was fortunate enough to have been forced to move here...#...but i also do not feel *safe* here. hell one of the cities i wanted to study in had a huge fucking hate crime occur...#...and that's what we're calling safe. so be careful out there. there is a lot of fighting left to do and it's complex and messy...#...if you're able to foght for that then be careful and safe...#...and if you aren't able to fight don't feel guilty. just rest. it's fucking hard enough out there and you have nothing to apologize for#this post was US-centric because that is where i live but it may apply to non-US countries
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