#TW for talks about dying

[theomnireader]

This is very true for me especially when I was younger, my best friend would insult me and stuff like that, at times it felt like genuine insults. It got to my head a lot and I thought "Maybe she wouldn't care if I died? Maybe no one would care if I died?". I'm doing sorta better now but it still hurt me a lot

People underestimate how much it fucks you up to be subtly excluded as a kid. I would try to talk to my classmates and be met with disinterest or annoyance. The one friend I had, who I clung to and nodded along to his every word, had other friends he liked just as much or more. And his other friends didn’t care for me at all.

I look back at pictures from the time and see how separated I was from them. I remember knowing I was different. I remember posing questions about the world to the girls playing next to me and realizing that they had never asked the same ones to themselves. That the ways we thought couldn’t be more different.

I kept myself amused with my own fanatical stories and musings in my head. I would wander the playground on a circular path, imagining a friend and being sorely disappointed when it didn’t feel as real as I’d hoped.

There was a bubble separating me from everyone else, thin, and nearly invisible, but with a pearly sheen you could catch under the right conditions. I knew it was there, they knew it was there, and it changed me

[ghastlyaffairs]

for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of

also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut

the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)

[evilminji]

This? Is driving me ~crazy~?

You know Anti-Force drugs and devices? Such as cuffs or collars?

Presumably, both rare and expensive, since Noteable Force Sensitivity is Rare AF? Not sure if it's more of a Fandom or Canon thing? But still, THOSE things? Yeah, you know THEM?

...... w-wouldn't... wouldn't they fucking KILL people?

Like? I'm not even joking here. We gotta remember, IN UNIVERSE, that the Force? Is FUCKING EVERYWHERE. All the Where. The LIVING Force is what CONNECTS and guides all LIVING things. "Guides" being the significant word there.

I'm not saying it would be IMMEDIATE death? Because Force Blanks exsist. Impossibly rare as they may be. But no one ever said they were HEALTHY. You CAN survive, for a pretty long while, after getting your internal micro biomes DEEPLY fucked up. Can even possibly repair them, depending on the damage.

And, what? Is the Midi-chlorian? If not a symbiotic microorganism? Living off you while giving you benefits in return? Health, durability, and The Force, in return for a place to thrive. Tied, inexorably, to your immune system and other vital bodily functions? To your SENSES. Your BRAIN FUNCTION.

Anti-Force drugs and Devices? Are awful... to those already a count of MULTIPLE THOUSANDS per drop of blood. What about much lower? If the device damages or suppresses all but the strongest Midi-chlorians? Does the average person HAVE enough to survive that?

Is it like radiation exposure? Deadly not in the immediate, but in the days to follow? In the sickness. The nausea. The weakness of limbs and the tiredness that drags. A seeping sense of unreality. Disconnected from others, who no longer feel "real". Do YOU no longer "real". As the interwoven connection you had, inside you, to the Force, is dying?

The Force is still there. You are still a part of it.

But you can't feel it anymore.

And it wasn't even something you knew you WERE feeling, until it was gone. Until people and the paintings of people, hold the same realness. Until you no longer feel connected to your own body. Sick, disassociating, and scared. Blood poisoned by the dying matter now floating in your veins.

There's a REASON, I would imagine, such devices are not standard issue. Mass produced. Expensive, dangerous, and deadly to those who DON'T have a high enough midi-chlorian count.

Even those who DO have a high enough count? Get sick wearing them! Need time to recover!

They are? Fundamentally?

ANTI-LIFE.

People throw them around in fanfic's a lot. As though just shutting off a major part of someone biology wouldn't have NASTY blowback. As though a Jedi probably doesn't fucking DESTROY those monstrosities, those ABOMINATIONS to the Force, every time they come across a set or vial of the stuff. Second only to the Sith, that sort of evil. Probably MADE by Sith. Evil. Nasty. Disgusting and no good.

Burn it.

You absolutely NEED to keep someone contained? Sleep. Nice lil Jedi enforced nap. Or drug enforced. Maybe both. They ALSO have FORCE rituals. Combine THEIR power against YOUR power. There are many ways. HUMANE and ETHICAL ways. They AREN'T SITH.

Just? Those things? Should be treated like the horrors they ARE, you know? They're not convenient plot devices! They are critical biology suppressing radiation collars and chemo drugs! Being PUMPED INTO PEOPLE by RANDOS!!

Shoved ON people! By FUCKING SLAVERS!

That SHOULD be HORRIFYING! They're ANTI-FORCE! <-!!! Which?

Is LIFE.

@legitimatesatanspawn @babbling-babull @spidori @mayfay @hdgnj @hypewinter @lolottes @leftnotright

[electrozeistyking]

I'm putting N and Doll in a time loop AU.

And by which I mean N finds out he's in a time loop and Doll is kinda forced to deal with that because she is the only other person even remotely aware there's a time loop situation going on.

Here's the kicker, though.

It only resets whenever N dies.

It does not restart when Doll dies.

Sure, Doll is somehow connected to it and will taken back to the start with her memories of the last loop, but she is not able to restart the loop herself. She will come back to life alongside of N when it restarts, though it may impact her mental health in some way.

When the loop resets, N always wakes up where he found himself on after getting bootlooped. I did not mean to connect these events; I just didn't want to send N back too far. However, I will admit it's kind of an interesting way to get stuck in a time loop.

Sadly, N and Doll eventually realize that certain events are crucial to progressing forward, so they must play out similarly every single time. If they change too much, it will result in catastrophe and inevitably restart the loop.

N only finds this out when he attempts to save V at the elevator, leading to the very first instances of the time loop restarting. Unfortunately, this does mean N cannot rescue V without putting an end to the loop, and Doll refuses to try in case that ruins it more.

Neither of them are sure why Uzi isn't connected to the loops. She's bit of a unpredictable variable, since her responses or reactions can be drastically different no matter how safe N or Doll play it, but she is NOT aware of the loops. Nori and The Solver are very similar cases.

(I'm naming this the "Double Time Loop AU," after the fact there are two drones stuck in a time loop they're aware of... and also because double time is a thing and it felt clever in a way.)

[bythewoodsitgrows]

yes i know it's a tiktok video. sit with me and visualize this. 🇵🇸

this is a video of a person making 22,000 individual soap hearts to visualize the amount of confirmed lives lost in palestine as of january 7th, 2024. the actual confirmed number is 22,835.

free palestine.

[nepholog]

remember when we all hoped thought that till was going to survive round 7

[rabbit-rays]

I AM TERRIFIED/YOUR BODY COULD FALL APART AT ANY SECOND!

[corvid-canidae-art]

help it is late at night and I’m listening to the song “putting the dog to sleep” by the antlers. And now I actually kind of wish I was the dog in that song. I am NOT suicidal btw. I love living I love sunlight I love being on earth etc. HOWEVER I want that. I want to bleed out to death in a snowy forest where the sky is so so clear and I can see the stars as they were when I was born, being held in the arms of someone who loves me so dearly that to give me peace they shot me. Even if it kills them. Even if it breaks their heart, they love me enough to let me go gently because I begged them to. Because I wanted it to be them. I will always choose them, and it always will be even if it’s the last thing I do. I want to be held tight in their warm embrace in the snow surrounding us, my life bleeding out from me and into their gentle hands, the hands that held me when I cried for them, held me when we danced all those summers ago, cradled my face and wiped the tears from my eyes even though I snarled in fear, in pain. The hands that belonged to someone so human, so unafraid, so caring as to love a beast as I. To take my teeth in his neck with a smile and hold my talons despite my claws, to wipe the blood from my snout with a loving gaze. Someone I will love forever until my last dying breath and then beyond my life. Someone who will miss me for the rest of his. I want to go looking at his face, despite his tears, despite the blood on his hands, my blood. Despite it all, I want that. To be with him one last time like this, held close to his heart so I may hear him sing in his heartbeat once more to me of our time together. Then I close my eyes one final time, the stars gleaming so bright exactly as they looked the day I saw them the first time all those years ago, then blurring together as the world spins and fades away…

idk is that like. Normal. Is that a normal thing to want?? idk but i promise I’m fine ok i don’t WANT to die. But like when I do I want to go like that does that make sense. Something something dog motif something something being truly loved by someone that they’ll kill me if I asked because I want it to be them. Someone who will hold me as I bleed and fade away in their arms under the moonlit snow and stars. Someone who will let me go even if it kills them, but hold me in their arms as I do.

⬆️actual text messages I sent to one of my friends

straight people: I love boys so muchhhhh I love kissing boys they are so pretty!! I want to hug him and I want to dance in his arms on a nice spring day in the meadows!!

gay people: I want to bleed out in his arms while he cradles me tight, close to his chest, his heartbeat a song that fills my chest as my own heartbeat slows and fades. I want him to be the last thing I ever see, I want the life to spill from me slowly in the sparkling quiet night, into the hands of someone who loves me truly, the hands of someone who loves me enough to let me go even though it will kill him, will let me go because I wanted it to be him, because I will and always have chosen him, even if it’s the last thing I do. I want my life to stain the snow and frozen ground around us, color blooming into the blank winter forest for the first time in a long time, so that one day in the coming spring when life blooms anew my blood may bloom through the new shoots and buds and I may live on through them. I want to see the stars fade and blur around my beloved’s face, reach my bloodied paws up to his tear stained cheek and cradle it close, so warm as my life fades into the snow around us, as I grow colder in his embrace. To look in his eyes one last time, see the stars as they were when we met, when I was born, and again as I die.

Anyways here’s the song btw if you want to experience what it’s like to die bleeding out in your lovers arms as their dogboy/werewolf boyfriend or whatever. Idk. Shuffles away and hits my head on a tree branch on the way out.

[boycritter]

(my mother voice) it makes me feel bad when you remind me that your mental illness with a terrifyingly high mortality rate is partially my fault :(

[advisortotheadvisor]

11 years. I'm still obsessed with the scene in the third book where canis is like "Hi I'm going to literally kill myself" and everyone else is just like

[kassandras-one-braincell]

170 days sober today. I still think about drinking far too often but it isn't constant anymore, and as much as I wish this shit was easier, I haven't given into the intrusive thoughts. I think this is the first time I've felt proud of myself in a long fucking while. And I owe so much of this to a dear friend, whom I won't mention for their privacy, but they know who they are and I genuinely couldn't have done this without them

[rigormortisangel]

why is it always people that weigh more than twice what i do calling me fat

[non-un-topo]

I think we need to talk more about the nuance of transition.

Specifically, the diversity of transition and the ways in which a person's gender and presentation can fluctuate and never reach an "end."

The first time I tried to get on T, I second-guessed and disappeared. Didn't answer calls from doctors, didn't reach out. I had seen an openly trans psychotherapist a few times as he was guiding me through the steps to accessing hormones. When he asked me when I started to feel "this way" about my gender, I answered that it had been fairly recent, maybe a few years. His response was that that was strange, because "most people figure it out when they hit puberty." Well, that shut me up and I haven't spoken to a therapist about transition since. It's clear to me now that he was approaching transness from a medical background. The medical model of course has not been a favourite of the trans community, myself included. It conceptualizes transness in terms of deficit, self-hatred, misery, and it envisions transition as an end.

This idea of end, of the reached destination, terrified me at twenty-three and it terrifies me now. How are twenty-three year olds, middle-schoolers, or kids approaching puberty, supposed to be able to envision their end, and to argue their case with such certainty if they want access to methods of transition? Where is the elbow room for change, evolution, and discovery, and even "mistakes"?

Many trans individuals, some colleagues of my own included, say they have always known who they are and what their gender is. This is the dominant trans narrative for a reason. I don't mean to discredit their words and their stories. It is not anyone's business to tell another person who they are or are not, and above all we should all continue to advocate for the voices of trans kids to be heard and honoured.

The philosophy of discovering who you "truly" are, of "finding" yourself, even of "cracking your egg" is starting to sound heavily Western and neoliberal. There is rarely a conversation about how our identities are changed by others, our environments, or by ourselves. Instead the dominant conversation around transition is centred in finding the true self. I criticize this philosophy because of its limitation. It is an end.

I recently joined a support group, and in the first meeting I attended my colleagues talked about finding their names, and about bridges. They shared stories of their own name decision-making processes, and how they used "temporary" new names as placeholders for their true names. A "bridge," they called it. I loved this sentiment. It spoke to the idea that gender and identity are more fluid than we are taught to believe, and I of course did this temporary name thing, too. But still with all of my colleagues there was this idea of truth, of finality.

I criticize it because it is another barrier of access to transition. People seeking means for medical transition are expected to be one-hundred percent, without-a-doubt-sure of their gender identity and of their future decisions regarding transition. It's starting to sound like a way to gatekeep transition, to bar access from those who are not "trans enough" because they do not fit the medical model's description. We know this. We've had these conversations before.

If we keep thinking about transness only in terms of the true self, the cracked egg, then we leave little room for those who are curious, for those who simply want to be creative with their identities, cisgender people included.

In writing this, I had to really fight the urge to go back and outline all the "clues" in my childhood that point towards my transness. I fought this because that is exactly what we as trans (genderqueer, genderfluid, trans* etc) people are supposed to do if we want to be believed. As if the only way to legitimize transness is to have "all the signs" in early childhood, as if transness is some chronic disease. Don't get me wrong --- this remembering and legitimizing works for some people, myself included. It is the way we know how to learn about ourselves. And at the same time, it is a key part of the transmedicalist approach.

We should not have to explain our histories and be certain of our futures to be believed and to have access to care.

It's an abusive relationship dynamic between the trans individual and institutions --- the desperation to explain ourselves in detail, explain our histories and our possible futures, so the institutions might allow us access to methods of transition.

The sooner we explore more possibilities beyond the idea that transness and transition are the final self, that transness is some chronic and fatal condition diagnosable from self-hatred cues in childhood, the sooner we can remove barriers of access to trans kids, and invite more people into the excitement, creativity, and nuance of trans experiences.

[babacontainsmultitudes]

80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.

[bladeweave]

see the thing about gale saying it was an honor a privilege a pleasure a tale for the ages and the very best time he had in his entire life. and withers saying that in but a dozen tendays karlach lived an entire life more than mortal years, mortal centuries were hers. is. is.

[harukapologist]

Milgrammies! The ever dreaded (at least by me and Haruka-fan friends) birthday tl is in less than 48 hours, Haruka's birthday tl. So

Expand on what you predict may happen in the tags if you want, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I put mine in the tags of the original post but in short, I think he'll talk/be talked to by Mikoto :3c