#TOMORROW AS IN THREE HOURS AS IN MY MUTUALS ARE ALREADY IN OCTOBER

[boomerang109]

WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ITS OCTOBER TMRW

[my-deer-history]

Francis Kinloch in Müller's letters to his family: Part 4

These extracts are from Johannes von Müller: Sämmtliche Werke, volume 7 (1810).

My translations here (with added paragraph breaks for legibility), original German transcriptions below the cut. This is the queerest part yet.

29 July 1776, to his father

The first cause of my silence, l. P.,* is that my regulated life really leaves me with little to write about; the other: that I am very busy. I read for a few hours with my friend, and that is almost the only time that I can devote to reading.

*For “lieber Papa”, “dear father”.

10 Oct 1776, to his father

You can guess the reason for my long silence, dearest father; when one is labouring on an important work, one becomes this work entirely; and in addition I finished a few more books with my friend Kinloch.

[...] A book seller from Neuchatel, Mrs B and I have convinced Mr B to put together a collection of his works. On account of this opportunity, he is working through all of them, and making additions and changes. Since he is not allowed to read himself, he wished to go through these writings with a friend who was already familiar with the contents. To that end, this summer we often read these and other writings for 2 – 3 hours a night in Mr Kinloch’s presence.

[...] My friend K is going to Italy. It is difficult; but the North American war and my work, which would be too disrupted, prevent me from accompanying him. This letter is not long enough to express to you how painful parting from him the day after tomorrow* will be for me.

[...] The loss of my friend makes me sad. Luckily, Kinloch is mine in every part of the world; our persons may be separated, but not our minds; I should care more about his perfection than about his presence; one day, in the long career that according to nature is open to us, we may well find ourselves together again**

*This places Kinloch’s departure for Italy on 12 October 1776.

**Original annotation: This friendship with Mr Kinloch remained unabated until Müller’s death. He received letters from him even in Cassel.

24 Dec 1776, to his brother

For myself, I seek nothing except that independence, which I consider to be the highest good of a human being, which I now enjoy, and will always enjoy through the generosity of my friend Kinloch and through the sciences.

Then I write my letters, rarely any others (except letters concerning business) besides those to my two friends, Bonstetten and Kinloch.

[...]Mr Kinloch sees Italy with the eyes of a man devoted to great occupations, with the sensitivity of a friend of antiquity and the fine arts. His letters are a diary of everything he sees, hears and feels. Through him and that other friend, I know Italy better than almost any other country.

April 1777, to his brother

When you wrote to him, I was in Lyon. My friend Kinloch, when he returned from Italy, wrote to me to find me at the lake below Genthod on a specific day, because he wanted to visit me; I however could not wait for him and took a cabriolet. I met him three hours from Geneva. He stayed with me for three or four days. 

He strengthened his admiration for the monuments of the ancients when he saw them; his love of free government when he saw the current state of the nation and the constitution; and through everything, history, art and intercourse, he strengthened his noble desire for rightful fame and great virtues: and as he saw so many others, he learned to estimate my friendship even more highly. And it really seems to me that we loved each other ten times more during these few posts, and the purpose of our friendship is always our mutual perfection; nor does Kinloch want any other friend, and I do not want any others besides Bonstetten and him.

When he left Genthod and we had read and spoken a lot together, it was not possible for me to watch him go; so I went to Lyon. [...] I am never happier or healthier, nor do I think more clearly or feel more vividly, than when I am travelling; hence, I made a lot of observations and at the same time did a lot of work, both with my friend and after we left Lyon - at the same hour but by different routes - and I drove back.

I read everything to him that I had drafted about Switzerland over the winter, then we read several works by Juvenal with endless pleasure, from which I am also learning several parts by heart, and then we read about the countries that we had seen, besides many chapters from Montaigne, whose masterwork is the chapter on friendship*

*Michel de Montaigne’s famous essay De l’amitié (On friendship) was written after the death of his beloved friend Etienne de la Boétie. Montaigne posits that a person can only have very few - or even just one - true friends, a position based on his profoundly deep love for Boétie, whose death just four years into their acquaintance devastated him. Müller and Kinloch would have seen a close mirror of their own relationship in this, built as both were on intellectual pursuits and mutual self-improvement, and with a subtle but present homoromantic undertone. Read an English translation of the essay here, where Montaigne outs himself as team-Achilles-was-the-bottom.

4 Sept 1779, to his brother

It was with unspeakable pleasure that I received news from Kinloch a few days ago that, after feeling forced by mortal danger to take up arms for Carolina, he had distinguished himself so much as aide-de-camp in Georgia and Carolina under General Moultrie that, in a letter to the Congress, the general named him a very brave youth and the pride of his fatherland, and this was printed in the newspaper. This fame that my friends acquire is a powerful spur for me.

29 July 1776, to his father

Die erste Ursache meines langen Stillschweigens, l. P. ist, daß mein einförmiges Leben mir wirklich wenig zu schreiben darbietet; die andere: daß ich sehr beschäftiget bin. Ein paar Stunden lese ich mit meinem Freund, und das ist fast die einige Zeit, welche ich der Lecture widmen kann. 

10 Oct 1776, to his father

Die Ursache meines langen Stillschweigens errathet ihr, liebster Papa; wenn man an einem wichtigen Werk arbeitet, so ist man ganz dieses Werkes; und denn vollendete ich mit meinem Freund Kinloch noch einige Bücher.

[...] Ein Buchhändler von Neufchatel, Frau B. und ich haben Herrn B. zu einer Sammlung seiner somtlichen Werke vermocht. Bei dieser Gelegenheit durchsieht er sie alle, und macht Zusäße und Veränderungen. Da er selbst nicht lesen darf, so wünschte er mit einem Freund diese Schriften zu durchgehen, dem zugleich der Inhalt geläufig wäre. Zu dem Ende haben wir diesen Sommer oft 2 – 3 Stunden des Abends diese und andere Schriften in Herrn Kinlochs Gegenwart gelesen.

[...] Mein Freund K. geht nach Italien. Es ist hart; aber der nordamerikanische Krieg und mein Werk, welches zu sehr unterbrochen worden wäre, verhindern mich ihn zu begleiten. Dieser Brief ist nicht lang genug, um Euch, auszudrücken, wie schmerzlich mir übermorgen dieser Abschied seyn wird.

[...] Der Verlust meines Freundes macht mich traurig. Zum Glück ist Kinloch in allen Welttheilen mein; unsere Personen mögen getrennt werden, aber nicht unsere Gemüther; seine Vervollkommnung soll mir mehr am Herzen liegen, als seine Gegenwart; endlich in der langen Laufbahn, welche der Natur nach uns offen ist, mögen wir uns wohl zusammen finden *..

* Diese Freundschaft mit Herrn Kinloch blieb ungeschwacht bis zu Müllers Tode. Er erhielt zu Cassel noch Briefe von ihm.

24 Dec 1776, to his brother

Für mich selbst suche ich nichts, als jene Unabhängigkeit, welche ich für das höchste Gut eines Menschen halte, deren ich nun genieße, und durch den Edelmuth meines Freundes Kinloch und durch die Wissenschaften allezeit genießen werde.

Alsdann schreibe ich meine Briefe, selten andere (außer Briefe die Geschäfte betreffen) als an meine zwei Freunde, Bonstetten und Kinloch.

[...]Herr Kinloch sieht Italien mit den Augen eines Mannes, der sich den großen Geschäften widmet, mit der Empfindlichkeit eines Freundes der Alten und der schönen Künste. Seine Briefe sind das Tagbuch alles dessen, was er sieht, hört und fühlt. Durch Ihn und jenen andern Freund kenne ich Italien genauer als fast kein anderes Land. 

April 1777, to his brother

Als du ihn schriebest, war ich zu Lyon. Mein Freund Kinloch, als er aus Italien zurückkam, schrieb mir an einem gewissen Tag mich am See unter Genthod zu finden, weil er mich besuchen wolle; ich konnte ihn aber nicht erwarten und nahm ein Cabriolet. Drei Stunden von Genf traf ich ihn an. Drei oder vier Tage blieb er bei mir. Er hatte sich beim Anblick der Denkmale der Alten in der Bewunderung derselben, bei Ansicht des heutigen Zustandes der Nation und der Verfassungen in der Liebe freier Regierung, durch alles, Historie, Künste und Umgang in der edlen Begierde verdienten Ruhms und großer Tugenden bestärkt: auch da er so viele andere gesehen hatte, hatte er meine Freundschaft noch höher schätzen gelernt. Und es scheint mir würklich, wir haben einander zehnmal lieber gewonnen in diesen wenigen Lagen, und der Zweck unserer Freundschaft ist allezeit unsere wechselseitige Vervollkommnung; auch will Kinloch keinen andern Freund, ich will auch keinen außer Bonstetten und ihn. Als er Genthod verließ und wir vieles gelesen und gesprochen hatten, war mir nicht möglich, ihn abreisen zu sehen; also ging ich auf Lyon. [...] Niemals bin ich freudiger noch gesünder, auch denke ich nie heller noch empfinde lebhafter, als wann ich reise; daher ich eine Menge Beobachtungen gemacht und zugleich sowohl mit meinem Freund, als nachdem wir Lyon zu gleicher Stunde, aber auf verschiedenen Wegen, verlassen und ich zurückfuhr, sehr viel gearbeitet habe. Ihm las ich alles, was ich diesen Winter über die Schweiz abgefaßt hatte, dann lasen wir mit unendlichem Vergnügen verschiedene Stücke im Juvenalis, aus welchem ich auch mehreres auswendig lerne, und dann lasen wir über die Länder, die wir sahen, nebst vielen Kapiteln im Montaigne, dessen Meisterstück das Kapitel von der Freundschaft ist;

4 Sept 1779, to his brother

Vor wenigen Tagen habe ich mit unsäglichem Vergnügen von Kinloch Nachricht bekommen, daß, nachdem er sich durch Lebensgefahr gezwungen gesehen, für Carolina die Waffen zu ergreifen, er unter General Moultrie als Aide de Camp in Georgien und Carolina sich so sehr ausgezeichnet, daß er von dem Feldherrn in einem Brief an den Congreß ein sehr tapferer Jüngling und eine Ehre seines Vaterlandes genannt worden ist, welches gedruckt worden. Dieser Ruhm, den meine Freunde erwerben, ist für mich ein gewaltiger Sporn. 

4 Sept 1779, to his brother

Vor wenigen Tagen habe ich mit unsäglichem Vergnügen von Kinloch Nachricht bekommen, daß, nachdem er sich durch Lebensgefahr gezwungen gesehen, für Carolina die Waffen zu ergreifen, er unter General Moultrie als Aide de Camp in Georgien und Carolina sich so sehr ausgezeichnet, daß er von dem Feldherrn in einem Brief an den Congreß ein sehr tapferer Jüngling und eine Ehre seines Vaterlandes genannt worden ist, welches gedruckt worden. Dieser Ruhm, den meine Freunde erwerben, ist für mich ein gewaltiger Sporn. 

[sanguinelupus]

i know i'm usually only here once a week on the weekends anyway, but i also do tend to get on mobile a lot throughout the week. i haven't been, and that's because so much is going on in my life right now that the thought of getting online here just isn't even in my head right now. it isn't important.

while i do enjoy this hobby a lot, it is still just that -- a hobby. and i will come back to it when my life isn't so chaotic. that could be two days from now or two weeks from now...who knows. but i'm just letting you guys know that my activity (while it's already low) will be extremely sparse and i am going to prioritize established mutuals over new ones.

i am always on discord and everyone is welcome to message me there if you want to talk or yell about our characters. if i don't respond right away, please understand that i have a lot going on right now.

if you want details of what's been going on, it's under the cut.

at the end of september/beginning of october, our water was cut off because of the water company being absolutely shady and manipulative and lying to us for months prior, and we and to figure out how to come up with over $2,000 very quickly because living without running water in today's world is just not feasible, especially when everything else in your house is working completely normally. luckily we only had to go a few days without water, but the situation was just a fucking nightmare especially because on top of it, my wife and i were working our new-ish jobs as normally as we possibly could; she works 32 hours a week and i work 40, both of us work with children. i was on my lunch break trying to figure out how much water my wife had to buy when she got off work just so we could flush our toilets once or twice throughout the night. i was in my preschool classroom sitting in the floor cutting out laminated farm animals while on the phone with the water company who told me i had insufficient funds in my account when i was staring at my bank that said $2,400 at that moment in time. my wife had to be woken up so she could take cash down to the water company and they had our water back on within 30 minutes, but the stress of all of the bullshit we were going through doesn't just go away.

the week after that was also extremely stressful and overstimulating because of things out of our control.

the past week has been spent worrying about my cat, who has deteriorated EXTREMELY rapidly. she won't eat her normal food, she is constantly getting dirty somehow, her eyes are almost always stuck shut every day and i have to clean them every morning, she's lost so much weight in such a short amount of time and has no energy for anything other than sitting in the same spot. because we work so much, we have not had the time to even call a vet much less make an appointment for her. we managed to get her in somewhere on monday, but that means i'm having to miss work. i've been feeding her liquid/broth cat food and continuing to clean her every day so she can function, though.

the brakes on our car have also deteriorated extremely quickly in the last week, and they're being replaced today. getting an appointment on a sunday of all days was stressful, and trying to plan it around what my wife has had going on for work this weekend was also very stressful. my wife has had only one day off this week and still has to go back to work tomorrow after a weekend of nothing but overstimulation and stress. the brakes are going to be over $500 to have fixed.

my wife's grandfather has also been in critical condition for a while now, and they are expecting him to pass within the next three weeks. we will both have to plan for paying for plane tickets to the funeral, as well as mentally preparing for dealing with her (extremely conservative & fucking awful) family.

all of this is on top of me working with preschool aged autistic children, and things have been chaotic and stressful there too. i'm not going to be at work tomorrow when we're getting a new student, and whenever the normal teachers are out of the classroom, the kids are thrown off completely and end up acting out. but i quite literally just have no other option, my cat HAS to go to the vet. she should have gone last week, but again, we just have not had the time.

who knows what else will pop up in the meantime. i am autistic and all of this overstimulation is not good for my mental health AT ALL. my wife has been extremely depressed lately and all of this is not good for HER mental health at all. we are both just trying to survive right now, but shit will not stop happening.

so i hope everyone can see why tumblr roleplay is quite literally the last thing on my mind right now.

[gravelyhumerus]

Criminal Minds College AU - Chapter 2

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Title: “I may just take your breath away”

Relationship: Jemily

Summary:

Jennifer Jareau is having boyfriend troubles. Emily Prentiss tries to help and offers her cookies. 

Slow-burn Jemily college AU where they live across the hall and despite all odds, the universe pushes them together. AKA they’re silly gay babies who pine after each other for months.

Read it on AO3

Tumblr:  One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten, Eleven, Twelve, Thirteen, Fourteen, Fifteen, Sixteen, (bonus scene), Seventeen, Eighteen, Nineteen, Twenty, Epilogue

Jennifer Jareau tossed her phone down onto her bed and grit her teeth.

“What do you mean I can’t come visit?” He had texted her, “I’m your boyfriend.”

JJ huffed.  She couldn’t deal with this right now, it was too much. Classes were kicking her ass, and she barely had enough time to breathe let alone entertain her long-distance boyfriend.

She glanced at her whiteboard calendar, noting how the next week was absolutely covered in deadlines, tests and games all written in different colours in her small, neat handwriting.

She had this essay to do tonight, a midterm to study for tomorrow, close to two-hundred pages of readings and a dozen other commitments. On top of that she had promised her friend that they would apply to work in student government next week and she had some applications to fill out for that.

He didn’t seem to understand that she was balancing her increasingly challenging full course load, playing varsity soccer and trying to maintain her friendships with people who were actually still in the same city as her.

Finding herself working up to a panic, JJ realized she needed to calm down or she was going to have a full-blown anxiety attack and that was the last thing she needed.  

She was alone in her dorm room, feeling particularly alone without Penelope Garcia’s cheery presence on the other side of the room to keep her company. Penelope was currently at the library, working on some sort of group coding project and JJ didn’t expect her home until much later.

She rubbed her eyes and took a deep breath through her nose, held it in, and then let it out through her mouth.

She reached under her blankets and retrieved her stuffed animal, a bunny she had named Fluffy when she was little, and clutched it to her chest, falling back into her bed. While she debated bringing him to college, JJ hadn’t slept a single night without the toy by her side, and she wasn’t about to start any time soon. She still remembers the time Rosaline helped her sew a shirt for him to wear. After her sister died, JJ found herself clinging onto Fluffy as much as she did when she was a kid.

She stared at her ceiling and her rows of fairy lights twinkled back to her. To her left, a photo of her and William LaMontagne Jr. smiled mockingly at her. He had his arm thrown casually across her shoulder, and she was leaning into his chest. It was from prom. Her hair was in long curls and a deep navy dress made her feel like a princess. Will matched her pocket square. He was looking at her with utter adoration while she smiled into the camera.

Things were so much simpler in high school when she had one goal, one focus: getting out. Last year was a rush of excitement, with everything feeling new and exciting that she blamed all her relationship problems on being overwhelmed with the transition. She promised Will, back when she was home this past summer, that things would be different this year, that they would have more time for each other.

What she meant was that she would make more time for him.

So far, she had not held up her side of the bargain. It was already October and she had not come home once, despite how she had promised to visit whenever she had a spare weekend. He was right to complain that he was always the one to call her, and not the other way around.

Now Will was coming to visit her, and despite her placating words, she really wished he didn’t. She couldn’t handle it.

She bit her lip. Why couldn’t she just be happy with her nice boyfriend who springs surprise visits on her? She understood why he was upset with her. He already bought his ticket and JJ did say that she wanted him to visit.

But now that it was happening she felt overwhelmed with the prospect.

She had noticed the weight lifting off her shoulders this fall, as she spent more and more time away from home. Away from him.

Which was so, deeply, incredibly selfish of her. They were nearing two years. Two perfectly nice years together. He always dealt with all of her baggage with such grace, her family loved him, and they had all these mutual friends who were talking about how JJ and Will were definitely going to get married.

Here, at college, JJ was just JJ. She wasn’t JJ and Will or JJ with the dead sister. He tethered her back to her life, her town. What she was desperately trying to get away from.

A hot, angry tear fell out of her eye and dripped down her cheek. She sat up.

Pulling a zip up sweater over her current outfit of sweat pants and a sports bra, JJ decided that tea would make her feel better. She tugged her long, blonde hair up in a high ponytail, wiping the last of the wetness of her face with her sleeve. She put her lanyard with the key around her neck, not really caring how she looked.

She needed to get back to her essay as soon as possible. She had wasted too much time on her fight already. Tea would help. Tea would get her brain working again and calm her down.

Whenever she couldn’t sleep, or she was up late studying for a test, her mom would always knock on her door, softly, and smile as she brought in a large cup.  When she sent JJ off to college, it was with a bright pink tin full of assorted tea bags and a new mug with a rabbit on it. Holding onto it made JJ smile.

Walking down the hall in her socked feet, with her tea, mug and packets of sugar in her arms, JJ made her way to the communal kitchen. JJ found that she was quite angry with herself for not listening to her mom and buying a kettle so she didn’t have to leave her room for hot water.

She made a mental note to order one online.

In the meantime, she passed through the common area and walked into the kitchen, which smelled amazing.

The air was filled with the warm scent of freshly baked cookies. It surrounded her like a hug, reminding her of baking with her grandmother when she was little.

She looked around the tiny kitchen, which was on the smaller side, populated with a round table, a couple of fridges, a microwave, the oven and stove top and the old kettle, which was the target of JJ’s visit.

JJ opened the oven and peered in, peeking at the beautiful cookies which looked about halfway done. Not quite golden brown yet, but definitely melting into shape.

She wondered who would be baking cookies at—she checked her watch—eleven at night on a Tuesday, but I guess it was college and anything goes here.

Seeming to answer JJ’s question, the kitchen door opened, revealing her neighbour Emily, who was wearing a baggy black shirt that was for a band that JJ had never heard before and colourful, cat patterned, PJ pants. She seemed startled to find JJ gazing down into the oven.  

“Admiring my handiwork?” Emily said, and JJ pulled back from looking longingly at the oven.

“It’s a bit late for baking, isn’t it?” JJ blurted out, then immediately kicking herself, worrying that she may come off as rude.

Emily took her comments in stride, laughing and sitting down at the table. JJ turned and began to fill the kettle with water from the sink, flustered at her own accidental hostility.  

She hadn’t seen Emily for a while, since that house party last weekend, despite their dorm room doors facing one another.

The other girl was a bit of an enigma to JJ. They travelled in similar circles, at least the ones that didn’t revolve around soccer. But, by some twist of fate, they had only really talked beyond pleasantries for the first time outside of that bathroom.

“No,” Emily retorted, “Midnight is the perfect time. I usually have the kitchen to myself.”

“Oh sorry,” JJ said, feeling bad for interrupting and kicking herself for being so bold, “I just need the kettle, then I’ll be out of your hair.”

“I don’t mind a visitor,” Emily said, “I just meant that this floor is always so busy and loud during the day. It’s peaceful at night.”

Emily was right. Their floor, while not that bad of a party floor, had really thin walls and people were typically more than aware of each other’s business. JJ found that with some people, she either had overheard enough of their conversations or had been told most of their business by her very nosey roommate, Penelope.

But Emily seemed to keep to herself, mostly. Her room was decorated with band posters, a few photographs that JJ had always been a bit too far away to examine in much detail, and a fun tapestry hung over the head of her bed. She knew she often heard loud music from her room, long past quiet hours, but never too loud that it was annoying. She mostly saw her hang out in Derek Morgan’s room, and wondered if the two were dating. Their relationship looked a lot healthier than JJ had with Will, at least, whatever they were.

JJ clutched her tea cup as the kettle heated up, leaning against the counter. JJ bit at her lip as she realized she had left her phone upstairs, mid-fight with Will. The sinking feeling that was overwhelming her upstairs was beginning to settle back into her stomach after the momentary distraction.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asked.

JJ didn’t realize that her expressions were that easily legible.

“I had a fight with my boyfriend,” JJ admits, surprising herself with sharing the information.

Typically she likes to lean into the put together perception that people have of her. JJ liked to keep the messy details to herself.

But, even in the cold glow of the fluorescent flights, there was something warm and friendly about Emily, despite her edgy aesthetic, that drew JJ in. Maybe it was the smell of cookies surrounding them that made her relax.

“Oh!” Emily says, “I’m sorry. What’d he do?”

“ He didn’t do anything. He’s wonderful,” JJ explained, “Uh- He’s too wonderful. He booked a surprise visit for next weekend but I have a midterm that Monday.”

“Ah shit,” Emily commiserated.

“There are a couple people who he knows in town so he wouldn’t be bored or anything, I just worry that I wouldn’t be able to focus on school if he was here.”

Emily nodded.

“I just wish he checked first.”

He did that a lot. He made decisions for her, all in the hopes of making her happy or making her life easier, and often at the expense of her plans or feelings. She just wished he had spoken to her beforehand this time.

The kettle boiled.

“Do you want any tea?” JJ asked Emily, secretly hoping she would be offered a cookie in exchange. “It’s uh-” she checked the label “-sleepy time.”

Emily smiled and nodded.

“I think there’s some spare mugs here,” JJ said, retrieving one from the drying rack.

JJ filled the two mugs, letting the hot water mix with the fragrant tea, watching the water turn a warm and rich brown. The slightly minty blend of chamomile and various other fruity teas competed with the cookies for JJ’s senses.  

“That smells amazing,” Emily commented. “What kind of tea is it again?”

“You’ve never had sleepytime tea?” JJ giggled. “I feel like my mom made me and my sister drink it any time we had bad dreams or were up past our bedtimes.”

“I didn’t know you have a sister,” Emily said, trying a sip of her tea.

“Yeah,” JJ said, sipping her warm drink and bracing herself for the other girl’s reaction. “I did.”

“Oh,” Emily said, stunned. “Oh gosh I’m so sorry.”

Emily’s phone went off, her alarm for the cookies blaring through the tiny speakers, interrupting the pity before it started. Emily smiled at JJ softly before waking over to the tiny oven and lifted the baking sheet out, using a bunched up dishcloth as an impromptu oven mitt.

“So why cookies?” JJ asked, changing the subject. “Is there a bake sale or something?”

“No reason,” Emily replied, “They’re better than the cookies from the café. Sometimes you just gotta do things that make you happy.”

JJ nodded.

“Anyways it lets me de-stress. An hour out of my room when all I have to do is make sure I don’t burn cookies.”

“That is important,” JJ said, “I would rather not have to stand out in the rain in the middle of the night because someone burnt some cookies down here.”

“I would never,” Emily said, “Scouts honour. If I set off the fire alarm, I’d do it with something better, something more interesting, like actual arson.”

JJ choked on her tea, giggling at the other girl.

Emily was funny. And nice. She never got the chance to thank her for helping out at the party last week, getting her teammate Kennedy some water and keeping JJ company in the hallway.

Emily grinned, scooping the cookies off the tray and onto a small plate. She returned to the table they were sitting at and placed it in the middle of the table, tilting it towards JJ, offering her one.

“For me?” JJ asked.

“It’s the barter system,” Emily said, “tea for cookies. We’re making our own economy here on floor two.”

“That makes sense,” JJ said through a mouthful of cookie. They were delicious, gooey and chocolatey and oh soo warm.

“Good?” Emily asked.

“Very good.”

“So,” Emily said, “What are you going to do about your boyfriend thing?”

“I have no idea,” JJ admitted, “I don’t think long distance is working.”

Emily nodded, and JJ could feel her eyes watching her, waiting for JJ to say something.

“He was my high school sweetheart, you know? I didn’t want to do what all the other people going away to college and just break up because we were far away. I thought we could do it.”

She sighed.

“Sometimes,” Emily said softly, “People just grow apart. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

JJ looked into her cup of tea. Maybe she and Will were just growing apart. Maybe that’s what it was. He was at the police academy and seemed to have endless free time. He was always calling her, checking in, his focus was entirely on her and JJ felt so torn. She wasn’t just busy, she felt like she was missing out on her new life here every time she spent the evening on FaceTime with him.

She sighed, it was too late to be thinking about this too much, she still had work to do, she still had to get some semblance of a night’s sleep before her practise the next day.

“What really matters,” Emily continued, “Is if you enjoy spending time with him.”

JJ looked away.

“I mean,” Emily said, “Isn’t that the point of dating someone?”

Her heart thudded with the feelings that tied themselves into knots in her stomach. Did she even want him to come? Did she even miss him?

The answer was clear to her, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to admit it.

“Thank you for the cookies,” JJ said with a smile.

She stood up and collected her things.

“I should probably go back to my fight with him.”

Emily opened and then closed her mouth, visibly confused.

“I am currently mid-fight,” JJ explained. “I left my phone in my room. I just needed a break.”

She paused and sighed.

“I also have an essay due tomorrow morning that I have to finish.”

“That's a lot,” Emily said frowning in sympathy, “Another cookie for the road?”

JJ accepted the gift and left Emily with her cookies, hoping that she didn’t bother the girl too much with her relationship drama. Emily waved at her as she left.

She went back to her room and found her phone buzzing with missed calls from her boyfriend. Gone was the peace and calm that surrounded her in the kitchen as she ate cookies with her new friend Emily. JJ fell back into a pit of frustration as soon as she picked up her phone.

Her thumb hovered above the call button, as she instinctively went to call him back. She hesitated, and instead, she turned off her phone.

Placing it on her night stand, JJ opened up her laptop and began to edit her essay.

[itsthejuggernautbitch]

cut + burn, chapter 1

Pairing: Colossus/reader -  Playlist

Summary: Wade decides that sixteen years of mutual pining is long enough. He's appointed himself your new wingman, and he's the best in town (or so he likes to think). Or, how the compound effort of Wade Wilson and total romantic frustration gave way to getting exactly what you've been waiting for.

Chapter 1: Suzanne

Part 2

Author’s Note: This is part one of a 5-part series. I’d like to tell you that this is something other than the introduction to a ton of smut, but that’s exactly what this is. Chapter title is Suzanne by Leonard Cohen.

Taglist: @marvel-is-perfection  @emma-frxst  @this-that-and-every-thing-else  @ptite-shit  @lesbianyondu  @chromecutie  @ra-ra-rasputiin  @hazilyimagine  @lenavonschweetz  @nu-tt  @rovvboat  @i-write-fanfic-not-essays

-----   -----   -----

You stepped off of the X-Jet onto the manicured green lawn of the X-Mansion and breathed deeply, struck by sweet relief and a feeling of inner peace that only comes from stretching your legs after being squeezed into a cubicle for eighteen hours. The mansion was just far enough away from the city that the fumes and funk from the crowded streets didn’t quite reach the immaculate stonework. Even better, there was no smoke, no fumes, no filtered air from the X-Jet vents - just clean, cold October air that smelled faintly of cut grass and sunshine. For that, you were exceptionally grateful.

Mostly because you were tired of smelling everyone else’s stank on the cramped X-Jet, but, you know, small favors.

As you stepped off of the ramp and onto the impeccable grass, it finally hit you that today was your Retirement Day, all caps, fanfare trumpeting in the background. Sixteen years of jetting around the globe and cleaning up everyone else's shit had led to this final, glorious day. In your line of work, sixteen years without a full-on mental breakdown was a major win.

As reigning HBIC of Professor Xavier's cleanup crew, you’d seen a lot of messes over the years that would have left anyone feeling hollow inside - kind of like your guts had been scooped out and dumped on the ground. The scenes were always ugly. You were the one running off to go coordinate transports of rogue mutants to holding facilities or clean up the bodies left behind from a particularly ugly villainous rampage. Those were your everyday, small-scale chores. The large-scale mass tragedies were the catalyst that really forced your retirement.

Your duties weren’t limited to your obligations to the X-Men - you cleaned up behind everyone. You’d dealt with the fallout from everything the Avengers had ever touched: you'd disposed of the alien corpses after the battle in New York, scoured Sokovia for salvageable lives, cleaned up after Thanos. You'd cleaned up behind all of Dr. Doom’s rampages and Magneto’s tantrums. Everywhere you'd been sent was overrun by the kind of wreckage that left an everlasting mark on your brain. And these mass impacts had only been occurring more and more often lately.

The aftermath of your Last Hurrah as a trademarked Active Duty Hero was bittersweet. There would be a fun party that night with everyone who wasn’t on some covert mission in attendance. Your team had come home with you, and your friends were waiting. They'd make you a cake and pour you a beer and maybe, just maybe, coerce you out into the city for a night of fun. There would be streamers with “Happy Retirement!” written on them, obviously meant for someone much older than yourself. Everyone would congratulate you for sixteen years of impeccable conduct and efficacy.

And tomorrow you would wave your team off on their next task - a task they would complete without you. You’d already chosen your replacement, a new graduate with the power to microwave the air around whatever she targeted. The girl had only been part of your team for a year, but she had great leadership skills and showed real promise. You had confidence in her for sure, but confidence in her abilities wasn't enough to help you sleep at night.

You'd come to find out that passing the torch was much harder than you’d been led to believe. While you had no reason to be unsure of your choice, you had a major problem with relinquishing control. Seriously, it had taken sixteen years for you to decide that enough was enough and you were tired of cleaning up every nasty scene imaginable. You weren't the kind of person who just let shit go.

Nevertheless, you'd finished your last active mission and made it home safely, no worse for wear and no more traumatized than before you left. You'd have to figure out how to handle it on your own time.

The welcoming committee stood off to the side of the small airfield. There were friends and mentors crowding the field, Professor X and the like. Some people you were only acquainted with, like Wade and his buddies. And while you enjoyed seeing each and every one of them, you were only looking for one person in particular - and he wasn’t difficult to find.

Colossus stood head and shoulders above the crowd, the tallest of the tall. He'd taken time away from his duties that day to welcome you home. Not that you expected any less - you’d been friends since you arrived at the mansion twenty years ago. He’d already “retired” from active duty himself, nearly six years earlier than you, if you remembered correctly. Said he liked teaching more than beating the shit out of people. Since he was going to be the one teaching you how to be a teacher, you were going to see firsthand if that was actually true.

Your team disembarked from the jet in a steady wave of mutants. They were the weirdest of the weird - graduates whose powers weren't optimal choices for task teams or active combat but were still “active” abilities. At its heart, your team was a squadron of people who could decimate wreckage or do something weird enough to make disposing of ickiness a little easier. You, as the leader of this squadron of weirdos, must have had the weirdest skill-set of all.

Your former team (that would take some getting used to) mingled in with the group on the airfield, hugging and high-fiving, yelling greetings and (playfully) rude comments. You stopped to greet Professor X, but that was where the fanfare for you ended. You systematically squeezed past everyone separating you from Colossus and, upon reaching him, grabbed him in a tight hug, much to his embarrassment. (He wasn’t great with public displays of affection - never had been.)

Behind them, Wade howled like a hyena.

You stepped away from Colossus, staring sheepishly at the ground, at the same time he stepped away from you. He stared at his feet, which meant that he was still pretty much staring down at you since he was a good foot and a half taller than you. You’d meant to embarrass him on purpose, not really taking into account that your face would probably turn red, too.

Colossus gave you a short once-over, almost too quickly to notice. You smoothed out the creases in your suit, feeling quite self-conscious. You hadn't thought about how you must look returning from a mission before you'd stepped off the jet - probably disheveled, a little ruffled, like you needed a good week of sleep and a hot shower. He, on the other hand, was impeccably clean in his uniform, gleaming chrome in the late morning sun and rippling with muscle. You could have drooled just looking at the line of his forearms, but he was simply too shiny to get a good look at.

He straightened up and stood up a little taller, trying to maintain a look of composure. “Welcome home!”

You tried to mirror his composure and found it to be too troublesome. You were tired and there were too many people crowding around. Wouldn't this be so much better if it were just Colossus welcoming you home instead of this unending crowd of people?

You knew it sounded forced, but you said it anyway. “I’m glad to be home for good this time!”

Colossus raised a glinting silver eyebrow. “Are you really?”

Sometimes he knew you a little too well. You couldn't truthfully tell him that you were ready to come home - just that it was time to come home. Really home - not living in a constant state of perpetually ready to leave at a moment’s notice, not waking up with the sounds of explosions or falling wreckage, not squished into a tiny box on the X-Jet or sleeping on a cot in a safehouse somewhere. You knew where your three square meals were coming from, where you would be sleeping at night when you had to wake up in the morning. You had weekends off now. Getting used to it was just going to take time.

Colossus sensed your apprehension but didn’t comment, though you could practically hear him thinking we'll talk about this later. You forced a grin. “It’s time to come home.”

“If you’re sure…” he replied, still incredulous. Yeah, he was going to make you talk about your feelings.

“I’m sure.”

He was obviously unsatisfied with your answer. “In any case, I’m glad you’re home."

Desperate to talk about anything else other than being home, you changed the subject. "Are we still meeting later?"

He'd mentioned in a mission brief that he wanted to meet to talk about your first day of teacher training. You suspected that it was more so a cover-up for his responsible adult questions about your mental health so that he could assess you before your retirement party. You appreciated that Colossus cared and made you talk about things, of course, but it didn’t change the fact that feelings were hard to talk about. Especially with him - it always seemed to be harder to show vulnerability with someone who truly cared.

He brightened. "Yes! After you settle in, of course."

"How about you come to get me after I take a nap?" you laughed. "You haven't given my room away, have you?"

"Your room is exactly as you left it," Colossus replied, just a little quieter than usual. He shifted and seemed just on the verge of saying something else, but instead, he said, "I'm sure you would rather get to bed than stay out here. Come!"

Colossus ushered you towards the mansion where everyone seemed to finally be meandering. You knew you couldn’t leave to go to your room just yet - still too many people to greet. You'd do absolutely anything to get in the shower and take a nap. Your shower sang a promise of warmth, and your bed called to you louder than any siren song, the promise of rest and safety like a hymn drifting down from your third-floor room. Maybe you could just fuck off and no one would notice...

As you stepped past the threshold of the mansion, you felt Colossus' hand on your shoulder. He leaned down close to your ear, and you fought back a shiver.

"Go. I will make an excuse for you," he said, nudging you gently towards the stairs.

You clapped your hands over your heart. "My hero."

You would swear on your life that he smiled his soft smile at that, but you'd already leapt onto the first stair and run out of sight.

Colossus was right - your room was exactly as you left it. Pillows arranged in a simple pattern at the head of the bed, navy blue comforter clean and unwrinkled. A desk was shoved into one corner, old and creaky but well-loved. An equally ancient dresser situated up against the wall, the dark wood cracking and hardware knobs oxidizing. You'd left a spare uniform on a chair next to the dresser and a stack of blankets neatly folded at the foot of your bed. Your bathroom door was wide-open, calling to you like a prayer.

You stripped down and turned on the water to let it heat up. You showered longer than you ever had, letting the scalding water beat down on your head and rinse shampoo suds out of your hair. When you were acceptably clean and shriveled up like a prune, you finally got out. The water had started to run cold anyway. You wrapped up in a towel, laid down on your bed, and before you knew it, you were out cold.

-----  -----  -----

You awoke an hour later to a knock at your door. Your hair was still wrapped up in a towel as you searched for a bathrobe (you could have sworn you left that on the chair instead of your uniform). You could pretty much guess who was at the door, so the desire to stay mostly undressed was pretty intense. Nevertheless, you covered up so that you could at least appear to be a presentable excuse for a human being.

You opened the door to find - who else - Colossus. He made a pointed effort not to stare down at you in your robe and wet hair. Not that you minded if he did. You'd have answered the door naked if you weren't afraid he'd run away.

"Sorry - just woke up."

He shifted, looking a mite uncomfortable. “I will be down in the kitchen whenever you are ready.”

You nodded, inching the door closed. “I’ll get dressed and be right down.”

Colossus started making his way down the hall. He called back over his shoulder, “I will make tea.”

“Coffee for me, please!” you called after his retreating back. You peeked out after him and watched him walk away. Man, his ass looked great in those pants.

“It will be decaf!”

“I want real coffee, Piotr!”

He might have replied to you, but you'd closed the door already. You grabbed the closest clean pair of pants and shirt that you could find. The clothes you grabbed may have been workout clothes, but after weeks and weeks of wearing your uniform, anything else was better than your uniform. And you’d make an attempt to look nice for the party tonight since everyone would be there - one person in particular, of course.

Speaking of that particular person, you scurried out of your room to join him down in the kitchen, locking your door behind you.

As you walked through the halls, you passed by the residents of the mansion milling around the dorm halls. Some you knew, but most were foreign to you. Your friends were either off on missions or had left the mansion a long time ago. Some were dead, memorialized on the walls. The few who had chosen to stay at the mansion were teachers now or stationed at a base far, far away.

The kitchen was on the first floor, just off to the side of the main hall. It had been remodeled, you remarked offhandedly as you sat down at the table. Colossus hunched over the new stove, fussing over the teakettle and a pair of mugs. The coffee pot next to him hummed and dripped black gold into the pot. Next to the coffee pot, the bag of coffee (not decaf!) was still open.

Colossus grabbed the mugs and sat down in front of you; his chair squeaked in despair but held steady. He passed your mug off to you. “I found some regular coffee you left last time you were home.”

“And here I remember you scolding me for drinking coffee so late in the afternoon,” you teased. You took a healthy sip from the scalding mug - thankfully, hot temperatures didn’t bother you (thanks, mutation). "Why the sudden change of heart?"

“I suspect that the party tonight will last much longer than anticipated,” Colossus replied, smirking. He blew on his mug of tea and took a ginger sip, grimacing. Unlike you, scalding temperatures sucked for him. “Your team makes a habit of partying until dawn.”

“Hey, we clean up dead bodies,” you said. You’d downed almost half the mug already and decided it was probably better to sip for the rest of the meeting. “Work hard, play hard.”

"They learned it from you," Colossus hummed. He sat his mug down. As suspected, he had an ~adult conversation~ planned. “You do not seem excited to be home.”

“Oh, no, I’m happy to be home,” you insisted. Your fingernails were suddenly more interesting than anything else in the room, particularly the man looking at you like a stray puppy. “It’s just hard to let go.”

“Adjusting to a less stressful situation is not easy, but you will have teaching to occupy your time and that’s certainly stressful,” Colossus agreed. His hand twitched as if he meant to stop you from peeling off your cuticles until your fingers bled, but he kept his hands on his tea mug. “And you have me - I have been through this already. Everyone in the mansion is your family, and we are all here for you.”

“I’ll adjust,” you replied shortly.

“And you know if you need to talk about it…”

“You know you’re the first person I’ll run to,” you said softly, cutting him off. You sat up straighter in your chair and took another sip of coffee. “Enough with the counseling session, today is supposed to be a happy day! Let’s talk about teaching!”

Colossus eyed you thoughtfully but conceded. “We will go over the lesson plans in detail later. You will start by teaching the middle-grades age group beginning next week. I want you to teach the little ones, but they are a bit rowdy and I don’t want to scare you away from teaching on your first day.”

“I can handle whatever you throw at me.”

“You will also be assigned a trainee,” Colossus continued. “I have not finalized who will be assigned to you, but I have a solid idea.”

“Anyone I know?”

"I do not think so," he hummed. “She arrived while you were gone last time. She has similar abilities and a similar temperament. It is likely she will be assigned to cleanup upon graduation.”

“So, I’ll be training my replacement?” you asked, eyebrows raised.

Colossus looked away, sheepish. “It was not intentional, but yes.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

You pushed your mug away after draining the last bit of coffee. Colossus always kept a bag for you in the pantry, but you were pretty sure he didn’t know you knew. You knew you hadn’t left a bag of your regular brew behind - a bag of coffee grounds was one of the first things that went into your luggage. Hell, you’d started bringing your own coffee pot onto the X-Jet because your team would throw hands over the coffee pot. 

“I will come and check on you periodically,” Colossus said. “But I expect that you will be fine. Do you have any questions?”

You’d have questions when you actually started teaching, but you didn’t at that moment. Really, you just wanted to sit at the table and talk to him. Not about your feelings or teaching - just talking.

“No questions,” you replied. “Not about teaching, at least. You are coming to the party tonight, right?”

“I would not miss it!” Colossus said. He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms, grinning proudly. “I made the cake. And helped decorate.”

You laughed. “Of course, you did.”

“I am glad that you are home,” Colossus said simply, “and I wanted to be the one to welcome you back. Also, the cake is chocolate.”

“It’s not that protein cake stuff you made last time I was home, is it?”

“No," he smirked. "We will have plenty of time for protein cake after training tomorrow.”

You paled. “You’re not leading the workout, are you?”

Colossus could never be described as sinister. Intimidating, maybe. Scary, sometimes. But never sinister. Yet, his answering grin toed that line. “What better way to welcome you back than by leading your first workout?”

You could think of several ways to welcome you back that were better than suffering through one of Colossus’ workouts, naming locking him in your bedroom with you. You guessed that he was probably on the same page, but he wasn’t going to say it.

As long as you’d been friends, you’d been back and forth with the unspoken thing - that stupid mutual attraction that neither of you addressed because your respective lifestyles were explosive and hectic. Once Colossus had retired from missions, the unspoken thing had gotten more intense - a pining for you that you could sense without him saying it. It had gotten worse for you, too. It’s just that you weren’t ready to come home - until the day that you decided it was finally time.

Basically, last week. Damn your stubbornness.

“You’re going to run me into the ground before my first day,” you whined, though it was half-hearted.

“Tough workout is good for you!”

“Right, okay,” you replied. You stood up, grabbed both empty mugs, and marched to the sink. “I’m gonna go get ready for this wild party.”

"Leave the dishes. I'll get them."

"Too late - I beat you to it."

-----   -----   -----

You'd never seen your name written this many times. Everything had your name scrawled on it. The streamers hanging from the ceiling, resplendent black and gold, all spelled out your name and “Happy Retirement!” Your cake spelled out your name in Colossus’ careful block lettering. Even the wrapping paper on the handful of gifts in the center of the table spelled out your name (how the hell did they find that?). You really weren’t thrilled about the “retirement” part, but you could deal with it for the rest of the night.

You were greeted by a round of screaming and applause as soon as you walked down the stairs, started by none other than your own rowdy team. They'd already been drinking and had probably started as soon as the jet landed. The younger X-Men joined in, mostly just looking for a reason to cut loose and cheer. Your older friends joined in, much more subdued than the rest, but much more sincere with their claps on the back and gently pointed age jokes. Colossus’ team, headed up by the Man of Steel himself, presented you with a giant slice of cake and an even larger can of beer.

You knew your face must have been red from all the attention, but as soon as you dug into the cake and chugged half your beer, the embarrassment started to fade. The attention was awkward, but this was your party for your retirement, and damn it if you weren’t about to have a good time. You’d always enjoyed a good party, and that night was as good as any to get splendidly plastered with your team after a job well done.

You were two sheets to the wind in when Wade Wilson handed you your third can of beer. He, like most of the people in attendance, had elected to wear his uniform (you had chosen not to - you had to retire your current suit anyhow). He was wet from where he’d spilled beer all over the fake leather.

“I say we do shots after Shiny Jesus goes to bed for the night,” Wade cheered, offering his drink in a toast.

“Sounds like a plan to me!” You tapped his can in toast and took a long drink. “You’d never believe it, but he can out-drink everyone here. Shots go down for him like water.”

“You’re shitting me!”

You shook your head. Bad idea. The world spun topsy-turvy and took its sweet time before it righted itself. “Nope. I convinced Logan to smuggle me a bottle of straight vodka for my eighteenth birthday. Couple hours in, Kitty and I were puking in the corner - man, I got sick that night - and Piotr was still taking shots with frickin’ Wolverine like it was nothing.”

“That Colossus? Giant metal boy scout?” Wade stared, slack-jawed, over at Colossus, who was picking at the greens on his plate (not a single dessert in sight). “What happened? And what do I have to do to get him to cut loose like that?”

You shrugged. “If you figure it out, lemme know. I think that was the last time I’ve ever seen him do that - not that either of us has really been home long enough at the same time to party like that. He’s always been so responsible. I mean, I’m responsible too, but he’s just cut from a different cloth.”

Which was true. You had your irresponsible moments, but for the most part, you had your shit together. You couldn’t remember a time when Colossus had been anything less than poised and organized.

Wade leaned against the wall next to you. He had to be at least a full case in already. “So, uh, does he know?”

“I assume you’re talking about my feelings," you snorted. "Can’t imagine why people keep talking to me about that - it’s not like I’m an emotional disaster right now or anything. Yeah, he knows. He’s always known. It’s mutual.”

Wade paused. “And why are you not,” he gesticulated wildly, like he was working through some weird, cosmic math problem, “a thing? Like, why are you down here at this party instead of getting the Metal D?”

“Kind of hard to be a thing when you’re never home at the same time,” you replied, glancing over to where Colossus had set up camp. He was currently entertaining Professor X and a younger X-Man that you didn’t know, still stabbing at the salad on his plate. “Or only home for a couple of days at a time.”

“You know what you should do?” Wade asked, a sparkle in his eye. He chugged the last of his beer, crushed the can against his head, and tossed the garbage off into the corner.

“I have a feeling I know where this is going…”

“Sneak away, take the Tin Man upstairs, and get a real homecoming,” Wade said like it was some fantastic revelation or a particularly scandalous secret. “And if you get loud, we’ll all pretend tomorrow that it was the guy with the pigeon wings.”

You laughed. “I’m not opposed to the idea, but I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna go for that.”

“You won’t know unless you try!”

“Except I do know,” you replied, idly watching the way Colossus' muscles bulged every time he flexed his arms. “I think he thinks I’m going to run off on a mission and be gone by morning. It’s going to require finesse to show him that I’m home for good.”

“In that case,” Wade pushed off from the wall and draped his arm around your shoulders. He reeked of cheap cologne and trashy beer. “I hereby offer my services as your wingman, and hearing no objections, appoint myself to the position.”

Wade stuck out his hand for you to shake.

You peered down at his leather-bound hand. Wade was still something of an anomaly to you, but he seemed invested. Goofy and mildly annoying as he was, he obviously meant well. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to have a little help…

You took his hand and shook. “It’s a deal.”

[tomsrebeleyebrow]

Miss You | tom holland x reader

Summary: Travelling was tiring. Being away from your other half for a long period is tougher. But Tom always thinks about you at any time of the day. And you clearly do the same. Based on the song ‘Miss You’ by The Rolling Stones.

Pairing: Tom Holland x neutral gender!Reader

Warnings: fluff because tommy misses you and you miss him too

Words count: 1340

A/N: Here we go again, a new and fresh imagine✨ Still fluff because I guess I’m soft?? 😚 And as I loooooove the Rolling Stones, this song perfectly fitted with my plot! Also enjoy my first neutral gender!reader because I love you all and everybody can love Tom 😌☺️❤️

masterlist

Who said long distance relationships is an easy matter to handle? At least, you and Tom still manage to find a way to deal with it when you both are away from each other.

Texts and FaceTime.

You are used to Tom being gone to shoot his next movie, attending premieres and doing interviews. Sometimes you can follow him and share some times together like you used to do before he became the well-known friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. But as Tom’s career keeps escalating, yours is also progressing and you are quite proud of yourself, but it also means more work.

Still you made it just in time to the Far From Home premiere, flew to the US a day prior, stayed a bit longer with Tom and then came back together in London. He will finally be able to enjoy a nice deserved break for a month, well kind of because he still have to film videos for Internet in between but at least, you are together.

But before leaving, Tom said he received strict rules from the Russo brothers and that you guys will have to reduce your interactions.

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry baby but the Russo’s really want to keep everything about the movie under control and have no spoiler leak and other stuff. And I know it will be hard because my character is messed up so they want me to stay as much focus as I can during the filming but it’s a matter of three months! I hope so? Anyway this will be so intense and I can’t imagine not talking to you or seeing your face like we used to and-“

“Tom, breath, it’s okay.”

You giggle because he gets worried so easily about anything. You support him with all your heart in anything he does, and even push him harder sometimes because you know he can do better.  He always does. You are proud of him every single day and you will never stop to.

“Just do your job like you always do and we will make it works. Like always, okay?”

But you feel deep inside that this time will be harder than the other times.

And then he is gone like a light. And then you are back to your everyday life: sleep – work – eat and repeat. Alone.

Tom left at the beginning of October to go filming Cherry in Cleveland, Ohio. Six hours of time difference, 3 732 miles apart and an ocean separating you. Nothing too challenging for you. But now it has been two weeks already without phone calls or FaceTiming. You just receive a few quick texts here and there in which he tells you everything is going well, and sometimes also with a picture but that is rare. And it is at this moment you realize you miss Tom. Pretty bad.

I've been holdin' out so long I've been sleepin' all alone Lord, I miss you

And Tom is as desperate as you are. On top of being dead tired since a few days and a bit tensed, not hearing your voice for so long is a challenge he never imagined he would have to deal with one day. And that day apparently came. Texts aren’t enough anymore. He wants to share so many things with you – without saying too much because he promised the Russo’s and the Cherry crew he will (try) not –, tells you he is all right despite his looks during his last Instagram live.

I've been hanging on the phone I've been sleeping all alone I want to kiss you sometime

And all his needs escalate pretty quickly because now he clearly misses your presence. Your body. Your everything. Cleveland’s nights in winter are so cold and that reminds him of the London ones, you next to him, squeezed against each other, all cuddling and warm. But not now. Some nights Tom feels so lonely in his bed he has to keep his mind working by reading his lines for the next day over and over again, until he tiredly fall asleep half sitting with his back against the headboard. All he could dream about was you. And let’s just say he often wakes up… Excited, and he has to take care of it fast before he had to go filming all day… Needless adding it was the same for you.

Well, I've been haunted in my sleep You've been starring in my dreams Lord I miss you

Finally, someone up there heard your countless prayers. That evening you stayed late at work because so much was happening and had to be done, so everyone was ecstatic and stressed. As soon as you put one foot outside the office, you let out the biggest sigh of your life. The sky was already dark but the streets are still buzzing. You have no strength left in your body to cook so you decide to drive to the Chinese near your apartment, order your favorites and go back home. Home, sweet home. But now cold and silent ever since Tom left. And you sigh again at the thought.

I've been waiting in the hall Been waiting on your call

As you are enjoying your meal and trying not to fall asleep while catching up with your series, your phone suddenly rings. It makes you jump with surprise because who calls people at… Almost midnight? You stretch out your arm and grab your phone on the coffee table, between empty boxes and bags of takeovers, and almost drop it as soon as you see the name on it. You hurry to chew and swallow the noodles still in your mouth, without choking if possible, and frantically take the call.

“TOM!! Oh my God, hi!! How are you babe?!” you scream with a smile on your face.

You hear Tom giggled. Oh how you miss his laugh.

“Hi sweetheart! I know it’s late in London right now but I finished filming earlier today. Now I have free time until tomorrow morning so what’s why I’m finally calling you. Oh God I missed you so much baby.”

“I missed you too like hell, Tommy” you reply almost with teary eyes, but still smiling.

I've been holding out so long I've been sleeping all alone Lord I miss you

Both of you talked for nearly three hours. Obviously you had so much to catch on and were just so happy to hear each other voices again after so much time. Like Tom had to convince you to go to sleep at some point because you worked tomorrow and after knowing about your hard day, he wanted you to rest enough. But you didn’t want to leave him already so you just begged him to stay a little more on line. And of course he had to comply. How could he say no to you?

With your knees bend against your chest and wrap in a fluffy blanket on the couch, you chat for thirty minutes more before you can’t stop a yawn full of tiredness to escape your mouth. Your eyes are also a bit itchy by fighting sleep so hard. Tom knows it is time for you to go and this time, you don’t fight back. But you still ask him to stay on line until you fall asleep and of course he agrees. After finding the softness of your pillow against your cheek and the comfort and warmth under your duvet, you place your phone next to your face and (kind of) keep talking with Tom. At some point he thinks he is doing a monologue but he can still hear you humming at him as an answer to whatever he is saying. But then all he hears is your soft breathing.

“Goodnight love of my life, sweet dreams, take care of yourself, I promise I will call you soon again. I love you.”

He hangs up, a grin on his face.

I've been hanging on the phone I've been sleeping all alone I want to kiss you

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[jiminthestreets-bonesinthesheets]

Love Undercover - Ch 4

Title: Love Undercover

Fandom: CSI: Las Vegas

Pairing: Greg Sanders x Nick Stokes

Rating: Mature

Summary:  In part one of this series, Nick and Greg get sent on a special undercover mission by Grissom and Brass, an undercover mission as a couple at an all exclusive couples resort. Their mission is to find their targets and keep them safe while maintaining the illusion that they are a happily married couple, but they may end up finding more then they bargained for while at Lovers Lane Resort.

AO3

Masterlist 

*** My works are not to be posted on any sites without my permission! Please and thanks!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Chapter Four

    Once they were finished with the massages, both of them feeling amazing afterwards, they walked out with James and Oliver, and stood outside.

     The four of them stood silently in a group for a few minutes before James was the first one to speak, “Wow,” he said, pulling Oliver closer to him, “I feel great.”

     “I would be perfectly fine with a nap right now,” Greg sighed and leaned on Nick, “or another massage.”

     The four chuckled and Nick rubbed a hand up his back, “A promise is a promise, Darlin’.”

     “And I will be holding you to that,” Greg smiled and pushed himself closer to Nick, “so, would you guys like to join us for another activity?”

     “Sure,” Oliver reached into James’s back pocket and grabbed the itinerary, scanning it quickly, “instead of another activity, since we are all still so relaxed from the massages, why don't we walk one of the hiking trails?” 

     “Yeah,I'd love a walk,'' Nick tightened his arm around Greg’s waist and started making his way towards the trails with James and Oliver right beside them.

~~~~~~~~~~~

     They had been walking for just about an hour now, James and Oliver were slightly ahead of them, and Greg was starting to get used to the feeling of Nick's hand in his. The trail was peaceful, a nice breeze was blowing through keeping them cool, and he couldn't help but think how he would love to get used to this. To just being with Nick… loving Nick.

     “Hey, Greg.” he hummed and turned to Nick, snapping out of his thoughts. “How come you picked tomorrow as our anniversary date? Not that I'm mad, but I was just wondering why specifically tomorrow?” 

     “Well,” he drawled with a slight blush creeping up his cheeks, “if you think about it, in a way, it kind of is.”

     Nick stopped walking for a second, tilting his head as he turned back and continued walking, “What do you mean?”

     “October 6, 2000, three years ago. It was my first day on the job in the labs, and-”

      “The first day we met,” Nick nodded and laughed, “I remember seeing you for the first time. You were late, very classy for your first day of work, and came barreling into the break room looking for Grissom.”

     Greg laughed so hard he nearly snorted, “And I found him.”

     “Oh, you found him alright,” Nick had to stop walking, turning to face Greg with a huge smile on his face, “with your lab coat on backwards, clipboard upside down, and somehow you had managed to get cream cheese from your bagel in your hair. It was the best day of my life.”

     “And the worst day of mine!” Greg slapped his arm playfully, “I thought I was going to die of embarrassment. And Grissom just walked over to me and picked the cream cheese out of my hair, then walked away.”

     “Oh,” Nick was nearly doubled over laughing now, “oh, it was hilarious, but also very cute.”

     “Cute?” 

     “Yeah,” Nick settled a bit, his laughs tuning into a light chuckle, “it was very cute.”

     Greg eyed him for a moment before adding with a smirk, “You know, Nick, that's not the first time you've complimented me on this trip.”

     Nick raised his brows, then moved closer and took Greg’s other hand, holding them between them, “Well, Greg, I-”

     “Hey, guys!” They both turned and saw Oliver waving them down, stopping Nick from finishing whatever he was about to say. “Come and take a picture, James is setting up his tripod.”

     “Sure thing, guys,” Nick waved back and then led Greg over, leaving him curious about the end of that sentence.

     “All set,” James said as they reached them and they stood in front of the camera, “should we do a nice one first?”

     They all nodded and stood close together, both couples wrapped together for a nice picture. Next up was a funny one in which James suddenly dipped Oliver as the shutter was going off and Nick grabbed Greg for a nuggie. Next up, was something a little harder for the two of them though.

     “How about a kiss picture?!” Oliver clapped his hands together and that was the exact moment that Greg’s heart decided to relocate to his feet.

     He turned into Nick with wide panicked eyes and whispered, “What do we do?!”

     “We knew this might be a possibility,” Nick tried to calm him with soothing hands on his shoulders, “and I don't really see a way around it.”

     “Maybe we can think up an excuse, what if I tell him I have a cold sore?”

     “I…” Nick looked at Greg with what Greg could only describe as hurt, “Is it really that bad to even think about kissing me?”

     Greg was speechless, all he could do was choke out half a syllable. That's not what he had meant at all, in fact, he had assumed he was doing Nick the favor by offering up an excuse.

     “You guys ready?” James asked, arms around Oliver, “Once you're good I'll set the camera.”

     Nick sighed then, and turned away from Greg, “I don't think we can do this one guys, Greg’s got a col-”

     “No! No, were good to go,” Nick looked to Greg with a raised brow, “cold sores all cleared up now, Honey, no need to worry.”

     “Alright,” James said, “five seconds starting now,” and set the camera then got into position with Oliver.

     Nick turned to Greg and held his hands out to rest on his waist, but they ended up just hovering there instead, until Greg took them and placed them where they belonged. 

     “I thought…” he began, but Greg stopped him and put his hands around Nick's neck, pulling him a bit closer.

     “That's not what I meant,” he shook his head, playing with the hairs at the nape of Nick's neck, “not even close.”

     And then he pulled Nick in all the way. Their lips pressed together in a perfect kiss. Soft, sweet, slow. They fit together like a puzzle, like soul mates, and that's exactly what it felt like. It felt like this is where they were both meant to be, where they belonged. 

     They heard the camera go off somewhere in the distance but found they really didn't want to pull apart. Nick instead pulled Greg closer, and Greg sighed against Nick's lips giving him the perfect chance to slip his tongue into his mouth. Greg reciprocated, tilting his head to allow Nick better access, and joining Nick's tongue with his own in a slow waltz. 

     “Hello?!” Giggles from behind Nick had them both slowly coming back to reality, and much to their disliking, pulling apart to turn to the other couple with sheepish looks, “Guys, I know it's your anniversary but whoo, I didn't think it could get any hotter than it already was in Vegas, but I have been proven wrong.”

     The two just shyly walked over to look over Oliver's shoulder as he sifted through the pictures they just took, they were great pictures they had to admit, but both of them had a sweet spot for the last one in particular.

     “Hey, if I give you my number, can you send me those?” Nick asked.

     “Yeah, definitely.”

     After the quick exchange of numbers, the couples were off again. But this time instead of holding his hand out for Greg to take, he wrapped his arm tightly around him and pulled him right up against his side, Greg settling in with his hand on Nick's chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~

     The two couples spent the rest of the day together, finding that they did all get along quite well. By the time dinner came they were all starving and couldn't wait to get their hands on whatever food the resort was serving them tonight. 

     They were all pleased to see that it was set up like a buffet and there was so much to choose from. Soups, pastas, and salads were set up at one end, and on the other it seemed tonight's main course was roast beef, veggies, and mashed potatoes. Greg's mouth was watering just at the smell of the food hall.

     “If you guys wanna grab us a table, James and I can grab some plates?” 

     Greg nodded, “Yeah, we can do that.”

     “Okay, be back in a minute, Sweetie.” That was a new one, Greg thought, but didn't have much time to think about it when his face was being lifted by Nick’s fingers on his chin, and brought in for another lingering kiss. 

     When Nick pulled back he stayed just a breath away from Greg’s lips for a moment, seeming to be contemplating the situation, before just smiling and leaving with James.

     Greg shook himself back to reality and turned to join Oliver in the hunt for an open table. It took a few minutes, but they finally managed to find one near the back and hoped that Nick and James would be able to find them when they came back with the food. 

     They sat facing the buffet so they could keep an eye out for them coming back, and Oliver decided to ask, “So, how did you and Nick get together?”

     “Uh…” Shit, they hadn't exactly narrowed down that story yet. “We-we met at college.”

     “You're a vet tech and Nick’s an accountant right?” Greg nodded stiffly, “Did you have a class together? Mutual friend set you up?”

     “Uh, yes! Yeah, a friend of ours set us up, his name is Gil. Actually,” Greg chuckled thinking he might as well use it cuz it did technically happen, “When I first met Nick, I had cream cheese in my hair. I was late for a class earlier that morning and somehow managed to get cream cheese from my bagel all over myself.”

     “What a cute story!”

     Greg nodded and ran a hand through her hair, “How about you and James? How did you two meet?”

     “Well, it wasn't as cute as you and Nick. It was as simple as our parents knew each other through work. James’s dad is a judge and my mom’s a cop,” he shrugged, “last year my mom was working a case that involved some old convicts James's dad had put away in the past. Once the case was over my mom invited James's family over for dinner as a thank you for helping her out, and we started talking, and soon after started seeing each other. Pretty simple.”

     “Still cute though,” he smiled.

     “Yall talking about me?” Nick asked as he and James found the table, and placed their trays down.

     “Actually we were,” Greg smiled up at Nick as he placed a full plate in front of him then sat down beside him, “I was telling Oliver about how we met at college.”

     Nick laughed and reached up to run a hand through Greg's hair, “The cream cheese thing?”

     Greg was so hoping Nick would jump to the same story as him, and thankfully they seemed to be on the same wavelength, “Yep!”

     “Yeah,” Nick sighed as he ran a thumb over Greg’s cheek then pulled away to grab his fork, “it was the moment I fell in love with him.”

     “That's so sweet,” James answered, pulling up his own chair, “it was also love at first sight for me and Oliver. Thankfully our parents worked together for a few months or else we would have never met.”

     “And thankfully our friend Gil was kind enough to set us up,” Greg said and leaned in towards Nick, “or else we never would have gotten together.”

     “Well, I love the fact that we are all a bunch of sappy cheese balls,” Oliver laughed, grabbing his fork, “but I'm starving, so we can pick up this lovely conversation later, and let's dig in. This looks like it's going to be amazing!”

     The other three agreed and very quickly joined Oliver in eating what was probably the best meal they had ever had.

~~~~~~~~~~~

     The resort had finished the night by serving ice cream for dessert, and once they were full the two couples left the hall together and walked back towards their cabins. 

     The evening cooled the temperature a little bit, giving the four boys a little relief from the regular Vegas heat. Grasshoppers and crickets could be heard playing their songs under the almost full moon, and they couldn't help thinking that it was the perfect end to a great day. 

     “Well, this is us,” James said, stopping them in front of one of the cabins.

     “What do you guys say to spending the day together again tomorrow?” Oliver asked, a hopeful hint to his tone.

     “We’d love to,” Greg smiled, thankful that they seemed to like them, making staying close to them for the detail easier then he had hoped, “you have Nick’s number, so why don't you give us a call when you're ready tomorrow and we can chose a few activities for the day?”

     “Sounds like a plan.” They both waved and James held the door open for Oliver as they went inside. “Good night, guys.”

     “Good night.” They answered back, and once the two were safely inside their cabin, Nick and Greg made their way to theirs.

     They walked inside, exhausted in more ways than one from the day's events. Greg let go of Nick's hand and walked over to the bed, plopping back on it with a sigh, while Nick hovered by the door shifting on his feet. 

     “Hey, Greg.” He hummed, not lifting himself from the bed. “I uh… I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable today with the whole kiss thing. You didn't have to-”

     “No, Nick,” he shot up this time, “I wasn't uncomfortable, actually I… I was more worried that you would be the one who was uncomfortable, because I wanted to. Kiss you, I mean.”

     “You did?” Nick perked up and moved away from the doorway.

     “I… yeah, I did,” Greg rubbed a hand over the back of his neck, “and since we're being honest, it's not the first time I've wanted to.”

     “I…” Nick was suddenly flushed and only able to stutter, so Greg stood and slowly walked over to him.

     “And if I'm being really honest,” he said, reaching Nick and running a hand up his chest to rest at the base of his neck, “I want to do it again.”

     Nick stood stunned, he wasn't sure how long he was like that, but it was long enough that Greg started pulling back with a horrified look on his face. He managed to snap out of it and grabbed Greg by the waist before he could get too far away from him, and pulled him back flush against his chest. He bumped his nose against Greg’s, closing his eyes with a sigh as he said, “I can help with that,” and leaned down to kiss Greg with as much passion as he could muster.

     One step at a time Nick slowly walked them backwards as they continued kissing, never once breaking apart, and laid Greg gently back on the bed. He shifted them up to the pillows and laid them on their sides. They continued kissing, exploring, eventually ridding each other of their shirts, pants soon to follow. They laid there in their boxers, kissing and touching long into the night, before eventually they couldn't keep their eyes open any longer, and they fell asleep wrapped together, lips still touching in a gentle kiss.

~~~~~~~~~~~

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Tags: @panchostokes @greggonpancho @cadenceh2o

[stupidpianist]

9 october 2018

18:06: It’s 18:06 while I’m starting this post and I’m, like, “therapeutically” listening to Glenn Gould perform Chopin’s third sonata over my speakers, and I have this apples and cinnamon candle going to my right. My brain is saying, “burn, baby, burn, yeah, that’s right,” at the candle, I think.

Deciding to do this through mutual “peer pressure” I’m getting from continuously reading Knausgaard’s My Struggle for the last several years, and more recently from Megan Boyle’s just-published Liveblog, which I’m now, like, fifty-one pages in, feeling increasingly obsessed with each subsequent page (i mean like the books are peer pressuring me i don’t mean like ppl are, attacking me, or something, for not doing this). I’m gonna quote the start of her liveblogging experiment:

“Starting today, march 17, 2013, i will be liveblogging everything i do, think, feel, and say, to the best of my ability. right now there is no one i talk to frequently enough to effect by my failure to follow through with tasks i said i’d do. the only person ‘keeping tabs’ on my life is me. as time has been passing, i have been feeling an equally uncontrollable sensation of my life not belonging to me or something. like it’s just this event i don’t seem to be participating in much, and so could be attending by mistake. maybe i wasn’t invited. clerical error. i witness myself willfully allowing opportunities to fade away, because sometimes, for whatever reason, it is hard for me to do things that i know will make me happy.

i can’t control getting older but i can control what i do as i age. also, i feel like my memory is deteriorating. i used to like documenting my daily activities. that seemed to help me remember more. lately the things i’ve been doing haven’t felt worth remembering, but i feel like that could just be a mind trick, and if i start writing more again, i’ll convince myself everything is basically the same as however many years ago it was when i felt more satisfied or hopeful or whatever it is i don’t feel now.

**THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE INTERESTING** **I AM NOT GOING TO TRY TO MAKE THIS SOUND INTERESTING OR TRY TO MAKE YOU LIKE ME OR THINK ABOUT IF YOU ARE READING THIS OR ENJOYING READING THIS, IT’S JUST GOING TO BE WHAT IT IS: A FUNCTIONAL THING THAT WILL HOPEFULLY HELP ME FEEL MORE LIKE IMPROVING MYSELF**”

Feel strongly that this, p. wholly, encompasses why I’m gonna try doing this again, too. Previously “in my life” I used to make, like, daily videos, or “vlog”-type things, and for another period, I wrote one short story a day, and for another period, I wrote, like, a letter-a-day to the general public describing what I did that day, and during each of these periods, I think I felt my general productivity, motivation, mood, well being, increase notably.

Also feel strongly that I won’t be able to, nearly as accurately, follow my day minute-by-minute as Megan did, will probably revert to something I write at the end of each day, or something, I’m not sure yet, or, like, maybe smaller posts as the day goes on? I don’t know give me a couple of days to figure it out please, I really don’t, I’m not sure.

Feel excited by this, feeling like, “yeah, this is a good thing to do, yeah, yeah, you do this, George, just ‘give it a shot,’ ‘go for it,’ ‘you got this.’”

18:22: Just got a text from my mom that said “the big pile is beans! Silly” in response to my replying “too spicy!” to a photograph she sent me, of a mound of flat beans, and a couple of cayenne peppers next to them. I just replied, “I meant the big red peppers.” I’m grinning a lot.

(earlier today) 09:00: Woke this morning to the sound of workers on the floor above mine still renovating apartments. They do this aggressive, rhythmic hammering, which then stops for a few seconds, then resumes for a seconds, then stops for a few seconds, then resumes again. Made it extremely hard to “sleep in,” which I wasn’t even planning on doing, but after cancelling all of my alarms, I sort of just drifted in-and-out of sleep in a weird numb stupor. 

12:00: Eventually got out of bed, feeling semi-disgusted at myself.

Decided to go with a “classic” outfit today, something from my youth, something from years past, something timeless. Chose brown pants with repeated cartoon raccoon pattern on it, grey long-sleeve shirt, “Don’t Give Up. Never Give Up.” black hoodie. 

13:00: Felt “mild amazement” that I was “somehow, already” dressed, in a vaguely positive way.

I was like, “yes, yes, yes, keep riding out this positive emotion,” and made a “G Fuel” energy shake. Strawberry shortcake flavour. Highly recommend. Chugged smoothie while idly watching YouTube videos of tech topics. Had a moment where I was like, “oh crap, dude, you’ve only got, like, five hours of productivity left in the day, you gotta leave, get out of your apartment dude, leave, leave now,” and then, sort-of panicking, grabbed backpack, headphones, iPod, put on shoes, ran out of apartment to McLennan library.

13:16: Yeesh it was so warm today, like, what happened? We gonna get autumn or what, huh? You too chicken to “bring on the cold”? Got to the library, sweating like a disgusting piggie. Chose a computer in the Cybertheque area, couldn’t sit next to the windows where I usually like to sit to squirrel and people watch out my peripherals. I was all, “man you’re gonna get so much done, you’re gonna get all that goodass studying done aren’t you, you’re gonna breeze through these readings,” and then NOPE nada that is not what happened at all. I just pulled up Spotify and played Grouper and then read more of Megan’s Liveblog for like three straight hours, with “intense focus,” I felt, like, “undeviating focus,” like, “laser-like focus,” like, “hawk-like attention to detail.” Felt mildly insane, like, I absolutely could not believe how engrossed in the book I was.

I WASN’T ALL UNPRODUCTIVE look here me out please, you have to at least be on my side a LITTLE: okay here’s the productive things I did okay:

-checked electricity/hydro bill

-checked when midterms were

-checked work schedule for the week

Look I know I know it’s not a lot but please just shut up for like two seconds gosh

A strange thing that started happening—even though my mood started, like, at 7.5/10 when I got to the library, after three hours it dropped, like, severely. Like a lot, I have no idea why, just the natural curve of the day I guess but like by 17:00 I was at a 3/10 if that and was like, “I gotta get out of here, get out of here, yo, hey, stand up, walk outside, get some of that ‘sweet, sweet’ sunlight before the sun disappears for another twelve or thirteen hours, go, log out of the computer, move your butt, move faster, go go go go” and then the “go”s continued faster and faster until I was outside, and, like, dancing a bit to the album I was playing (Prequelle, by Ghost. Been listening to a lot of Ghost recently. Been really “Ghost”ing it up, if you smell what I’m cookin’.)

Then while walking I was like, “alright, okay, it’s ‘time,’ when you get home, just start writing, just ‘do it,’ it doesn’t matter if you have nothing to say, you’ll thank yourself later,” and alsoo another part of my brain was going “start yoga, you promised [your best friend] Alli you’d start yoga, you even told me you wanted to start yoga, why haven’t you started it yet????”

18:40: Earnestly feeling a lot better, yeah, yeah, I am!! I’m gonna finish this post for today but wow that actually helped a lot. I know that Megan’s liveblog experiment ended up having net-detrimental effects on her life, we’ll have to see “how this goes.” Also unfair to compare each experiment as hers was minute-by-minute, and mine is like totally not minute-by-minute to such a significant degree that the data sets can’t be cross-referenced, I feel? I don’t know.

Do any of u ppl have a yoga mat you are looking to sell or could let me borrow? My apartment floor is linoleum and almost as uncomfortable as it is unpleasant to look at. I have, like, this rug from Ikea, but it’s not really in a good position for “yoga-like purposes,” nor is it especially padded, or furry, or like, whatever, you know what I’m trying to say. Gonna use it for now and just “see how it goes,” maybe it’ll actually be just fine? Gosh I don’t even know, feel so unsure about everything. Feeling hopeful, though, feeling “very hopeful,” this was a lot of fun, yeah, yes; gonna try and put in more detail tomorrow, with more timestamps “for accuracy,” or something. Feel strongly that this will be possible, will be bringing around a notebook to “log things in” now that htis project has started, yeah, uh-huh, mhmm, yes yes yes

[rhapsodic-memories]

december 31st, 2015, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time. you were talking to a girl and i could tell that you were capturing her with every syllable that left your mouth. and i knew why: you were beautiful and bright, and i was drawn to you even then, like the planets are drawn to the sun. december 31st, 2015, 11:58 pm: we met standing in line for the bathroom. you introduced yourself, and asked for my name, smiling when i gave it. “lovely,” you murmured, and repeated it a few more times, rolling the letters around in your mouth like a new food. january 1st, 2016, 12:05 am: i could still feel you on me, your lips, minutes, hours, months later. the clock had struck midnight and you just grabbed me, didn’t ask if it was okay until it was over. you were laughing, brushing it off, all teeth and well-kissed lips, but i knew i saw you blushing. january 21st, 2016, 1:12 pm: you got my number through the mutual friend that threw the party. i still don’t know how you got my address. i didn’t remember telling you. you couldn’t tell me, either. february 14th, 2016, 9:12 pm: you took me out to dinner and bought me chocolate and roses. it was all so cliche, and i loved every second of it. when you kissed me good night, i swore i could feel the rest of my life, pressed right up against my lips. february 26th, 2016, 11:33 pm: we made it official. i remember how you asked me, how shy you got, like you didn’t know what the answer would be. march 17th, 2016, 5:43 pm: we spent the day at the saint patrick’s day parade, and you filled yourself with beer and kissed me hard against the bar bathroom door. i drove you home and that was the first time you told me you loved me. march 18th, 2016, 9:24 am: you called me and told me you loved me again. “i want to make sure that you know i still mean it when i’m sober,” you said. march 24th, 2016, 1:09 pm: i met your parents at easter brunch. you had demanded i come with you, and i was glad i did. your mother was kind and beautiful, and your father was warm and handsome, just like i knew they’d be. after we’d eaten, your mother got me alone. “he’s never brought a girl home before,” she told me, “normally he isn’t very open about who he’s dating. but you, you’re different. don’t read into this, but i think he may really think you’re special.” april 12th, 2016, 8:31 pm: you saw me naked for the first time, and you kissed every inch of my skin. i’d never felt that much love from anybody before that night, and i haven’t since. not even you could replicate those few hours. may 5th, 2016, 4:57 pm: we fought for the first time. i ran into my ex at the grocery store and wanted to chat for a few minutes. you didn’t. when we got in the car, you told me that if i was still in love with somebody else i could just leave, and i told you that you should trust me and not be so insecure about our relationship. we screamed the whole way home and you slammed the car door when i dropped you off. i almost crashed three times on the drive home. may 6th, 2016, 8:03 am: you came by with flowers and breakfast. “I’m sorry,” you told me, “you just mean so much to me, and the thought of you ever being anyone else’s makes me sick.” i smiled, “but you don’t have to worry about that now. i’m yours.” june 16th, 2016, 10:51 pm: for my birthday you took me out to dinner and gave me a beautiful necklace with a silver chain and pearl pendant. we drank expensive wine and stumbled back to my place and fucked. i had never been fucked before, not like this. i woke up the next morning with bite marks on my neck and hickeys all the way down my stomach, but you were gone. “had to run,” you’d written on a post it note, “i love you.” june 18th, 2016, 2: 41 pm: i hadn’t seen you since my birthday and you weren’t picking up when i’d call. june 19th, 2016, 3:13 am: “ had to run,” the post it note had said. maybe you were running from me. i couldn’t tell if it was the 3 am darkness talking or the part of me that already knew. july 1st, 2016, 4:01 am: i looked over at you, sleeping in the darkness beside me. when we were together, things felt perfectly normal. but now, i could feel the shifts. “are we falling apart?” i whispered to you, and although i hadn’t expected an answer, the silence broke my heart all the same. july 4th, 2016, 6:47 pm: we were at a barbecue and i saw you across the crowd, talking to a girl. i saw the way she was drinking up every word that escaped from between your lips, and that’s when i knew. that’s when i knew you weren’t mine anymore. july 21st, 2016, 7:08 pm: i brought it up to you. “i think we’re starting to grow apart,” i said, “there’s a distance between us that wasn’t here before.” you reassured me that it was all in my head, but i didn’t hear it in your voice. i didn’t see it in your eyes. you knew it was there, too, but unlike me, you weren’t trying to do anything to stop it. august 10th, 2016, 11:37 pm: i lay awake and thought about what your mother said, all these months later. “don’t read into this.” but of course i did. i couldn’t help myself. fuck, i loved you so much. august 15th, 2016, 1:12 pm: you invited me over and i discovered that the key you’d given me no longer worked. “i had the locks changed,” you said, “i’ll get you a new one.” it was a lie, and i knew it. you didn’t get me a new key. september 8th, 2016, 2:00 pm: i caught you cheating. in a desperate attempt to revive the romance we’d had at the beginning of our relationship, i bought dinner and brought it to your place. when you finally opened the door, i saw it written all over your face; the way your eyes widened, the way your jaw dropped, the way your cheeks drained of color. i heard it in the stammer of your voice, the sharp intake of your breath, the grinding of your teeth. when the girl walked up behind you, half naked, asking who it was at the door, i already knew. “how could you?” i whispered, and you just opened and closed your mouth. the girl pieced it together and started screaming. she hadn’t known. i left the food at the doorstep. september 10th, 2016, 1:49 am: you never called after that, never came by, never reached out, but it wasn’t like we’d needed to confirm anything. i knew it was over, but it took every ounce of willpower i had not to go back to your place and find out why, why everything. september 27th, 2016, 6:20 pm: i kept finding myself huddled in a ball; in my bedroom, in my kitchen, in my shower. not crying, or yelling. just huddled, clutching my body close to myself, staring. still not understanding. october 31st 2016, 9:01 pm: i spent halloween haunted by the ghost of you. your face was around every corner. i could still feel your touch trickling down my spine. that night, i lost it. the anger surged through the sadness and bubbled to the surface. i screamed until my throat was raw, screamed at nothing, about nothing, for no reason other than i was too full. november 10th, 2016, 2:17 am: you called me when you were drunk and i answered. i listened to you ramble, vomiting up apology after apology. near the end, you told me you loved me. “call me tomorrow when you’re sober if you still love me,” i said.  you didn’t. november 25th, 2016, 7:15 pm: i went out on a date with somebody new. they didn’t pull me in like you did, but for a few hours, i forgot about you and i felt okay. i drank myself to sleep that night so i wouldn’t have to think about you. the next morning, the hangover hurt more than you did. it was a start. december 24th, 2016, 8:12 pm: i was spending christmas with my family, and i was doing great until my aunt asked about you. i told her you cheated, but i was doing okay, and then i excused myself and threw up the appetizers into the toilet. i called you then, and when you picked up, i let out a sob. “you ruined me, you fuck,” i croaked, “and you can’t even apologize. not when you’re sober, at least.” there were a few seconds of silence, and then you hung up. i still hope that it ruined your christmas. december 31st, 2016, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time in months across the crowd. it made me sick to know that even after all that had happened, you were still the most beautiful person in the room to me. december 31st, 2016, 11:55 pm: you found me in the kitchen. “i wanted to tell you i’m sorry,” you yelled over the music, “and i miss you.” and in those final moments of the year, i thought about it. i thought about letting you back in. the countdown started, and you moved closer to me. and i.. i pushed you away. i turned away from you and said, “no. i can’t.” and i walked out of the room. january 1st, 2017, 12:05 am: i have forgotten how you felt against me, your lips. and for the first time, i am finally okay with that.

Unknown (via @rhapsodic-memories)

[bananxjin]

Crush // Mark Tuan x Reader

|| List ||

Word Count: 5,385 (holy shit I’m so sorry)

Also I couldn’t think of a better title RIP, this story is kind of all over the place, but I hope y’all like it anyway!

Synopsis: Mark has been acting strange ever since the “Closet Incident”.

|| Fluff/Angst/Fluff ||

☆

Going into college, (y/n) never knew what to expect. However, she never suspected that in a million years, her and the honor roll Junior student, Mark Tuan would become as close as they did.

The elevator door opened and she was greeted by Tuan’s lovely, smiling face, the same goofy smile he gave her every morning. She would’ve smiled back hadn’t it been barely half past seven AM.

“How are you always so full of energy this early in the morning?” She muttered, pulling her coat impossibly closer against her body. Mark chuckled and put his arm around her shoulders as they made their way towards the front door and would soon brace the cool January air.

“Perhaps it’s because I know I’ll get to see your grumpy face each morning?” He stated with a questioning tone.

Mark always had a way of making (y/n)’s heart do jumping jacks and her tummy feel warm and tingly.

It intimidated her.

She enjoyed the affectionate relationship they had, but it also made her want to run back to her dorm and hide under her comforters. Then again, Mark would find a way to get in so he could talk to her and prod her about her feelings.

Sure they had a funky little relationship in the beginning. (y/n) had attended the dance team tryouts in the beginning of the semester. There was a small crowd of people in the bleachers, and Mark just happened to be one of those people. Unfortunately in the midst of doing her routine, she had to jump and as she came down, her foot slipped out from under her and she landed square on her bum.

Some people gasped, others giggled. Specifically one of the judges that would determine whether or not she could get on couldn’t hardly hold back her laughter. (y/n) immediately got to her feet and bowed to the judges before she took off out of the gymnasium.

She was absolutely horrified by what happened, but then a small light came to console her, and that light’s name was Mark Tuan.

After that, Mark somehow wiggled his way into her everyday life. He was in two of her classes, they shared the same favorite restaurant, they had several mutual friends so no matter what, they somehow saw each other everyday. Eventually, he just started showing up at the front door of her dormitory and he’d walk her to class every morning. At first it annoyed (y/n). “How can one being have so much energy this early in the morning?” She’d always wondered while remaining in her usual grumpy state. But Mark never overstepped his boundaries. He’d just talk to her about all sorts of different things in the mornings. His life back home, his hobbies, his major, how his was week was going. Anything to keep her attention on him. There were even days he’d show up with coffee for the two of them.

“I thought you might need a little pick-me-up since mornings don’t seem to be your thing.” He said somewhat shyly the first time he’d offered the hot beverage. Despite it only being the beginning of October and the weather still being too warm for equally warm coffee, (y/n) really appreciated the gift. She smiled at him and gave him a small “Thank you.” as she took it from his hands.

She didn’t think much of it. Little did she know, it meant everything to Mark.

So she never actually intended to be close friends with him, it just kind of... Happened. Now she was used to this massive dork just following her around like a lost puppy, rearing his head when she least expected it, and ultimately always always always having her back.

And that was perfectly fine at first.

That was when she falsely believed she could have a platonic relationship with Mark.

Days passed, seasons changed, and Mark always remained at her side no matter what. And things felt relatively normal until her emotions hit her - Slamming into her like an oncoming train.

☆

It was the last day of last semester. (y/n) had been asked to clean up the chemistry labs before she left for her break. Her and Mark were carpooling back to the city together since they’d learned their families only lived about a half hour or so away from one another.

“Any big plans for winter break?” Mark asked, leaning on his elbows against the teachers desk. Mark relished in the moments he got alone with (y/n), and that moment was no exception. Just the two of them in this lab together, he thought. He’d had the biggest crush on (y/n) since the day she fell during dance tryouts. Seeing her every morning and walking her to class was a blessing even on the days she was cranky -- Especially on the days she was cranky.

He’d sit there and tease her and give her a hard time, and she’d pull that cute little pouty face she does.

She’d became the literal light of his life.

“I’m hoping I can sleep for the first three days.” She sighed, dropping a discarded binder on the professors desk. “Finals weeks are the worst; I hate them.” She mumbled, rubbing circles into her temples. Mark gave her a sympathetic smile and gently pat her back.

“It’s okay, (y/n),” Mark said in a wispy soft voice. “The war is over. We can finally go home.”

(Y/n) Couldn’t help but chuckle. “Thank you, Colonel Tuan.” She joked back before standing up straight and tall so she could bow to him. Mark laughed.

For the last few weeks, he’d been thinking about how he’d finally ask (y/n) out, and he’d decided he would do it over winter break. He considered doing it on Christmas Eve assuming she wouldn’t be busy. The forecast called for snow this year. Mark could only imagine how sickeningly romantic it’d be for them to be standing in the snow, drinking hot cocoa together maybe at the park somewhere, and he could confess his feelings under the dead cherry blossom trees.

Not quite as romantic as it could be if it were spring or summer, he thought.

Suddenly, laughter from down the hall could be heard coming closer and closer to them. (y/n) seemed to freeze up on the spot. “Did you hear that?” She asked softly. Mark nodded.

“The weather’s not supposed to get bad until tomorrow night, man. I just need to grab my binder and then we can go.”

“Shit.” (y/n) swore under her breath, frantically looking around the room. Mark gave her a questioning look. “What’s wrong? You act like-”

“Shut up!” (y/n) hissed as she opened the chemistry closet and pushed some lab coats aside.

Before Mark could question her behavior, (y/n) grabbed his hand and without a word, shoved him inside the closet before cramming herself in there with him. The metal door made a clanging sound as she hurried to keep them both hidden. She swore again as the door smacked her in the elbow.

“Do you mind explaining to me what you’re-”

“Shh.” (y/n) said softly as she clamped a hand to his mouth.

Marks eyes widened as the two boys they’d heard talking in the hall came walking into the classroom.

“Hmm...”

“What’s wrong? You got your binder, now let’s go.”

“It’s just that I was kinda hoping someone would be here.”

“Who? (y/n)?”

Silence.

“Dude, she’s probably left already!”

“Well I knew she was cleaning the labs for our professor today, so I thought, ya know...”

Silence again.

“Did you leave your binder in here on purpose? What, so you could just happen to run into her??”

The boys continued to bicker and debate. (y/n) slowly removed her hand from Marks face as she let out a sigh.

Poor Mark, his shoulders started getting uncomfortable so he tried to maneuver a little bit. He couldn’t stand up straight lest he wanted to use the tension rod for a pillow. His solution - Put his hands against the wall behind (y/n) and keep his head ducked.

(y/n)’s back remained against the wall as she found herself trapped by Mark. For the first time since they’d shuffled in there, Mark had looked at her, making eye contact with her, and she thought her heart might’ve stopped. He smiled sheepishly, “I’m really sorry if you’re uncomfortable.” He whispered, “We could always just... Get out of here?”

(y/n) quickly shook her head. “Not until they leave.” Mark smiled and shifted his weight to the other foot. His thigh brushed briefly against hers.

“You don’t want to see your admirer?” He joked. She sighed again, “I don’t. I mean... It’s Shownu.”

“The guy from your history class?”

She nodded. “He’s just been up my ass lately, pushing me to go out on a date with him, but he just... Won’t take no for an answer. It’s annoying.”

Mark wasn’t surprised that other guys liked her, she was so sweet and adorable, easy to talk to, not to mention she was one of the smartest students in her class. Who wouldn’t like her?

It did bother him that Shownu wouldn’t back off - In fact, it pissed him off. She felt the need to hide from him if it meant he couldn’t pester her.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? I can help you. I could’ve said something-”

“Because I didn’t want to get you involved. It wouldn’t have been fair to you.”

“You’re my best friend!”

(y/n) pushed her hand against his mouth again, worried they were getting too loud.

“Be. Quiet.” Her lips read. Mark narrowed his eyes, his gaze never leaving her lips. He wanted nothing more than to kiss her right then and there.

“Did you hear something?”

“Just the sound of that blizzard getting closer to us.” The friend sighed.

“I’m sorry, dude. Look, just.... Five more minutes. And if she doesn’t show up, then we can go.” Shownu bargained.

“You’re wasting your time, man. I’m pretty sure she’s dating that Mark guy anyway.”

Their eyes met again and (y/n) quickly yanked her hand away from Marks face as if the very feeling of his skin were burning her.

“Mark Tuan?”

“Yeah. Have you seen the way she looks at him? She might as well be in love with the guy.”

(y/n) couldn’t bare the thought of looking at Mark Now. She knew he had the most smug look on his face in that moment. His shit eating grin just staring her in the face, daring her to look him in the eye.

“I hope not... Mark’s not even that good looking.”

Get fucked, Shownu, Mark thought, his smile never fading.

Mark and (y/n) listened in silence for awhile longer before Shownu’s friend had to practically dragged him out of the classroom, Shownu complaining the entire time.

The door slammed shut. (y/n) sighed and finally gathered up the nerve to look at Mark again.

She instantly regretted it.

“So, you’re in love with me, huh?”

“Shut up.” She rolled her eyes, “He just told that to Shownu so that he could leave.” She concluded, reaching out to open the door, but Mark stopped her.

He pinned her wrist against the wall. Not hard, (y/n) could easily pull away from him if she wanted to. It was his reaction that stopped them both dead in their tracks. Mark surprised himself even. Why did he do that?

(y/n) stared into his eyes searching for something. Anything. Was she... Did she actually have feelings for Mark? She’d always thought he was good looking, but could she ever see them together? As a couple?

Mark quickly released her arm from his grasp and tried to stand up. Unfortunately he forgot about that tension rod so he smacked his head into it, making him swear under his breath. (y/n) blushed. Why did she blush? Why did she even put them in this situation?

“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, uh...” Mark stuttered, rubbing his hand over the spot where the tension rod attacked him.

“I-it’s okay.”

“It’s just that uhm...” Mark couldn’t seem to find the right words to say. He knew she didn’t like Shownu back, she made that much clear. So what was his excuse for stopping her other than that he wanted to continue to be this close to her?

“You... You should tell me if Shownu bothers you again. Please?” Mark asked, “I promise it won’t be any bother to me.”

(y/n) couldn’t look away from Marks flushed face. Did he himself know was blushing? Was it because he liked her or just because of the predicament that she’d put them in?

(y/n) nodded in response to his plea.

“Yeah, I’l... I’ll tell you next time.”

☆ (y/n) ☆

It felt like we’d been out in the freezing cold for hours, but we eventually made it to the building. We had awhile before our classes started, so we decided to grab a coffee and some breakfast together while we waited.

Mark didn’t say much on the way over here. We really didn’t talk much over Christmas break either. I half expected us to hang out or something, but it never happened.

I glanced up at Mark from across the table. He’d taken his gloves off and grasped the warm coffee cup in his large hands. I leaned in on my elbows and rested my chin on my hands. My eyes trailed from Mark’s fingers, up his biceps and his shoulders to his face. His big, brown eyes seemingly bore into his coffee cup as if he were looking for something.

“You look like you might be more tired than I am.” I joked. Mark looked up at me, seeming surprised that I said something.

“Are you okay, Mark? You’ve been kinda out of it all morning.” I commented. Mark shook his head “Yes”... And then briefly shook it “No”.

“I’m just tired, and... I’ve had a lot on my mind lately.” He replied solemnly. I frowned and reached across the table to grab his hands, “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked softly. His hands were limp in my own. He wouldn’t meet my gaze.

“No, it’s nothing serious.” He replied before pulling his hands out of mine. I knitted my brows together and leaned in closer to him, “Are you sure? This isn’t like you, Mark.”

“I’m fine, (y/n).” He said promptly, finally raising his head and looking me in the eye. His lips tugged up into a small smile. “I promise.”

I fell back into my seat, feeling defeated He was lying to me, I could tell.

What if it was that stupid closet catastrophe I got us into last year? I thought to myself.

The whole scene played over in my mind. I couldn’t stop thinking about it over Christmas break either. Especially on days when I’d text Mark or try to call him and he wouldn’t so much as give me the time of day. The whole thing gave me anxiety. It made me wonder if this is what would ruin our friendship.

Ruin my chance to have something more with him.

The thought alone could easily bring me to tears, but I tried not to think too much about it. Especially since I was sitting right there in front of Mark.

There was an uncomfortable silence between us before he finally looked down at his phone, “You should probably be heading to class soon.” he said as he gathered his discarded breakfast.

I looked up at him, “What do you mean? Aren’t we going to class together?”

“Nah, I think I’m gonna skip today.” He replied with a big smile. I was in complete shock. What’s gotten into him?

“Th-then I could skip with you! We can have a lazy day together!” I suggested, “We haven’t done that in awhile! How about it?”

He shook his head, “Nah, it’s fine. See ya!”

He gave me a single finger gun and made a mad dash out of the cafe before I could get another word in. I sat there completely dumbfounded, staring blankly at the seat he’d been sitting in just a moment ago.

The next couple of days were killer. Mark quit walking me to class, he quit showing up to the classes we shared, he didn’t text me, didn’t call me, he didn’t even show up in mundane places I was used to seeing him in casually.

I went to his dorm to confront him one day and his roommate, Jackson answered and told me that he was in class which I knew was a bold face lie, he didn’t have a class at that time.

Jackson gave me a sad smile and leaned against his door frame. “I’m really sorry, (y/n).”

“He hasn’t spoken to me for almost two weeks, Jackson! I don’t understand what I did!” I whined, letting my head fall into my hands. I was on the brink of tears.

“You didn’t do anything, actually.”

My head snapped up at him, “What do you mean?”

He sighed, “I mean... I really shouldn’t say anything, it’s really not my place-”

“Please, Jackson.” I begged, putting my hands on his shoulders, “I need this, I need to know why Mark’s been avoiding me lately. I...”

Jackson was staring down at me with wide eyes. I sighed and let my arms fall limp at my sides. “I like Mark. I’ve liked Mark for awhile now, but I’m just... So scared to admit it or the idea of anything becoming of it." I rambled in a soft tone, worried about anyone hearing my confession.

Jackson’s hands made a light smack sound as they connected with his cheeks, his lips turned upright into a bubbly smile.

“That’s so sweet!” He exclaimed, his voice gradually getting higher. I lightly smacked him on the arm, “Shush! I don’t want to draw anyone’s attention to us.” I hissed. He smiled, “He said he was heading to that bubble tea cafe on Ninth, I think you should go talk to him about it. There’s nothing to be scared of, you and Mark have always been close.” He told me.

My smile grew so wide I thought it might crack my cheeks. I let out a small squeal and wrapped my arms around Jackson's neck, “Thank you so much!”

Jackson chuckled at my giddy mood. He waved me off as I jogged back down the hall.

Of course he’d be at the bubble tea cafe, he loves that place, I thought to myself. It wasn’t a long walk from campus so I just pulled my coat tighter against me and made my treacherous ten minute adventure down the road.

I kept going over what I should say and how I should say it in my thoughts, but nothing really seemed right.

“So Jackson told me I’d find you here?”

“It doesn’t matter how I knew, all that matters is I have something important to tell you.”

“But why have you been avoiding me? Do you feel the same way? What’s going on?”

I huffed as I made my way up the small hill. Perhaps he’d say something first? Jackson seemed to think that everything would be fine, but then I could’ve just been overlooking the whole situation. Maybe he’s just trying to help a friend in need. He’s just a wholesome friend like that.

I’ll be okay though. I’ll be okay if Mark turns me down? I mean yeah, it’ll hurt, but Mark’s friendship means everything to me. Isn’t that what I’ve been trying to avoid? ruining our friendship?

I could see the cafe up ahead. My legs seemed to feel heavier and heavier the closer I got. I felt the bashfulness creeping up my neck, and I suddenly wondered if this was actually a good idea.

I opened the glass door and timidly walked inside. It was pretty busy for a Thursday afternoon. I looked around the large room about as casually as one could without seeming weird. One of the ladies at the counter even asked me if I needed any help. I respectfully declined and told her I was just looking for someone.

This is a bad idea. This is a really bad idea.

I dismissed my negative thoughts when I finally found Mark sitting at small table towards the back, still looking at one of the little fold up, paper menus. I smiled and took a deep breath. I walked right up to the chair in front of him feeling stiff as a board.

He looked up at me, smiling at first but it was quickly replaced with a look of surprise, “(y/n)!”

“Hey, stranger.” I replied, gripping the chair as if it were my lifeline, “Mind if I sit here?”

“Yeah! Go for it!” He exclaimed, his voice laced with happiness. It’s almost as if nothing were out of the ordinary. Like he hadn’t just avoided me for two weeks.

“How’ve you been?” He asked, crossing his arms on the table and leaning in closer. I gave him a tight lined smile, “About the same as usual.” I replied. He sighed and seemed to drop the facade, “I’m really sorry, (y/n). I’m sorry for disappearing and being a total dick basically.”

I wanted to agree with him. I wanted to get angry and lash out at him, but I couldn’t. “I just want to know why it happened, Mark.” I sighed, “I thought we could talk about anything, and then we just... We stopped talking. Altogether. It really hurt, I mean...” I felt the tears welling up in my eyes, “You’re my best friend, and...”

I love you

“Hey, shh,” Mark took my hand from across the table, “It’s okay, everything’s okay." He cooed, “I really... It’s hard for me to talk about it, and I know that’s no excuse, but I was just scared, and-”

“Hey, Markie!”

The girl I recognized as one of the judges from my failed dance audition sat in the chair beside Mark and wrapped her arms around hi neck, “Who’s this?” She asked, looking at me.

I was taken aback as I suddenly pulled my hand back and tucked both of them into my lap. “I feel like I should recognize you from somewhere?” She said, seeming to study my face. I gave her a small smile before looking down at my lap, “I get that a lot.. I think I just have one of those faces.” I said awkwardly, looking back at Mark.

”(y/n)...”

“Anyway, I think I should go. I was just uh, I had to return Mark’s notes to him. I missed my class the other day, so...”

“You don’t have to! We were just on a small date, but you’re welcome to join us! I’m always happy to meet Mark’s friends!”

Date...

What a bitter word to hear when you were just about to tell him everything. “It’s okay, really! I have some other things I had to do today.” I responded, my voice sounding slightly venomous. “Enjoy your date!”

“(y/n)!”

I ignore Mark as I hurry out of the little restaurant, walking as fast as I can on the snowy sidewalks as I make my way back to campus.

A date, huh?

Is that why you’ve been avoiding me this whole time, Mark?

I can’t even cry about it. Mark is his own person, he’s allowed to date who he wants. Besides, how was he supposed to know that I’ve been harboring feelings for him?

The memory of Mark and I being stuck in that closet together crept back into my mind again like the little rat it is. The intimacy of the situation was enough to make me swoon. I was so close to Marks face, I should’ve just kissed him. God knows I wanted to.

And then Mark wouldn’t drop it when that guy said he thought I was in love with Mark, I was hoping he would’ve just caught on and maybe we could’ve started something.

Tears finally brim my eyes as I continue torturing myself with the thought of what could’ve been. I bury my face into my scarf and keep my head low as the tears go streaming down my cheeks.

Of all the people in the world, it had to be my best friend. It had to be!

I accidentally bump into someone as I near my dormitory. They reach out to steady me by my biceps. “Ah, I’m so sorry, I...”

He trails off as he studies my face. I look up at him, ready to apologize for bumping into him, but then I see who it is, and I nearly panic.

“Shownu..”

He smirks at me. “(y/n)! Wow it feels like it’s been forever since I’ve seen you!” He gushed. I smile back halfheartedly, “Hey, Shownu... How’s it going?” I asked, kinda dragging out his name.

Because he’s exactly who I wanted to speak to, I thought with a slight roll of my eyes.

“I’m fine, hey there’s something I wanted to ask you...” He says taking my hand in his gloved one. My eyes widen and my heart speeds up, mind racing as I try to think of any possible way to get out of this.

“Shownu, I-”

“(y/n) I’ve liked you for awhile now, and I wanted to know if you’d go out on a date with me.” He confesses, “I know I’m not Mark, but-”

“You’re right: You’re not me.” Mark chimes in as he slides in next to me, wrapping his arm around my waist. I look at him in pure shock, but he doesn’t seem to notice. He keeps his gaze focused on Shownu, wearing that same shit eating grin I’ve grown to love.

“Mark! I thought-”

“I know, but I thought we should spend the day together instead.” He said, kissing my cheek. I swallowed. I couldn’t help the heat that rose to my face no matter how much I may have wanted it to go away.

You’re giving me mixed signals, Mark.

“I'm sure you have a good reason for holding my girlfriend’s hand.” Mark said smugly to Shownu.

Girlfriend?!

Shownu’s once determined face twisted into one of anger and disappointment as he dropped my hand. He seemed to think his words over carefully before he replied to Mark. He looked like he wanted to fight him, but he’d decided against it.

“No, Mark. I didn’t have a good reason.” He replies through gritted teeth and a thin smile. He looks between the both of us for a second before letting out a sigh, “See you later, (y/n).” He says before walking off.

I almost feel bad for him as I give him a sad smile and wave goodbye. Once I know he’s out of ear shot, I shake off Mark’s hold on me and smack him repeatedly in the chest. “What the hell was that for?! How’d you even get here?! Did you follow me all the way back from the cafe?!” I demanded.

Mark giggled and grabbed hold of my wrists, “So what if I did?” He asks, bringing his face close enough that his nose touched mine. I swallowed thickly and pulled my face away from his as well as my arms. “Go back to your date, that’s so rude to just... Leave.” I sigh, turning away from him as I walk into my dormitory.

He followed me in.

“Shouldn’t you be taking your own advice then?” He asks as we both head towards the elevator. I roll my eyes and ignore him. “(y/n), I left because I needed to talk to you.” He told me. I swore I felt steam come out of my ears. My neck cracked as I looked over at him, my eyes full of anger. “You ignored Me, Mark. For two weeks you ignore me.” I reminded him. 

We boarded the elevator, “We could’ve been talking these last two weeks, but you just disappeared. You wouldn’t text me, answer my calls - You missed class to avoid me!” I exclaim as we exit on my floor.

“I know, I owe you an apology and you deserve an explanation-”

“I don’t want to hear it.”

I get all the way to my door before he grabs me by the shoulder and quickly pins me against the wall. I suck in a sharp breath as his other hand blocks me in. I gaze up at him, and I immediately feel the tension melting away. His sad, puppy dog eyes gazing into mine. "I'm sorry, (y/n)." He said softly. His free hand came up to caress my cheek, wiping away a stray tear I didn't even know had fallen.

“I just want to know why.” I asked him. His eyes showed sorrow as he opened his mouth to reply, but I cut him off before he could answer me, “You know, I was perfectly fine before I met you! But then you just... Wiggled your way into my life like some sort of worm! You made an impact on me, became my best friend and all and then you just decide you’re gonna leave?!” I release all of my thoughts as I raise my hand to smack his chest again, but he captures it before I can make contact.

He closes his eyes as he entwines our fingers. “(Y/n) I...”

“You what, Mark?”

He takes a deep breath and peers down at me only for a second before he leans down and gently presses his lips against mine. My body tensed up as I pressed my arms against his chest, ready to push him away, but I couldn't. Everything that I'd felt before didn't seem to matter. All that matter's to me now is that I know how Mark feels. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me closer to him. The movements of his lips soft and slow as if urging me to fight him; urging me to be the one to take initiative. I cup his cheeks in my hands and deepen the kiss, pressing my body impossibly closer to his and he presses me into the wall. His lips feel so soft against mine and his kisses tastes like white chocolate mocha which I assume is what he was probably drinking earlier.

He parts his lips and drags the tip of his tongue across my bottom lip, prompting me to part my lips for him. My head feels so hazy and my faces feels so hot. I can’t tell if it’s from the kissing or from my feelings - Probably both. It didn’t help when I noticed that his hold on me got just a little more snug as he took my bottom lip between his teeth and nibbled it gently.

Our eyes met once again as my lip slipped from his teeth. His eyes were glossy and pupils large. I imagine my eyes looked similar.

“”I’ve liked you for awhile, (y/n). Jesus, I... I wanted to confess to you over the holidays, and I was so confident about it, but then...” He sighed, taking a deep breath again, “But then when all the stuff happened in the closet, I was worried you really didn't have feelings for me, and I-"

"Mark, I've liked you for the longest time, I... I love you." I confess somewhat shyly. I look away from him as I feel my face turning deep red, but his fingertips immediately guide me back to look at his smiling face again, "I love you too, (y/n)." He whispers, pressing his lips to mine again. "I'm so sorry I left you, I just needed time to think and I wanted to try to get over you," He mumbles in between kisses. His large hand gently caresses my hair, sliding down to cup my cheek, "but I promise I'll never do something so stupid again." He whispers, leaning his forehead against mine.

"I'm so in love with you."

"I'm in love with you too, Mark."

[kpopreactionstoruinyourlife]

Song Girl - Part 18 - Sungjin Fan Fiction

Song Girl Masterlist

Part 17 - September 2014

Summary: every day fluff fluff fluff

“Let me stay the day tomorrow.” Sungjin whispered against the hollow of her neck. She’d just returned to his arms after slipping off to the bathroom after what was their third time making love that day, this time just before they were going to sleep.

“I feel like you’re just angling for another few rounds tomorrow.” She said as she adjusted her frame against him, fitting into the angles of his body.

“At least morning sex, yes.” He said, which he usually got on Sundays if he spent the night anyway.

“You’ve been trying to be around for Sundays for a while, what gives?” She asked, slipping her legs between his for the warmth in her cold apartment.

“You are very ritualistic about having at least one day of the weekend to go through logistics and I’d like to bear witness.” He said, letting his hand wander over her curves with the hope to distract her just a little bit.

“Fine, and I’ll give you fair warning - it’s not a fun time. But I could use the extra arms with grocery shopping.” She said, relenting as his fingers danced over her hips.

“So what will the plan be for tomorrow?” A smile spread over his face as he pulled her closer.

“I have a paper to edit and a couple to work on, with a couple chapters to read but that should only take about three hours. Otherwise, I have to do laundry in the morning so it has time to dry. Then all I have to do is grocery shopping and some cleaning.” She said, yawning in the middle of her sentence.

“How much of an imposition am I allowed to be?” He asked teasingly.

“What do you want?” She asked sleepily, nestling in against him and closing her eyes.

“Can I persuade you to go to the park for an hour or two?” He whispered, kissing her neck gently.

“Yeah, I suppose. But not unless you let me sleep soon.” She said flipping over to nestle her face into his chest.

“Goodnight Ella,” He whispered, kissing the top of her head.

“Goodnight Sungjin, I love you.” She replied.

“Love you.”

It was after seven when Sungjin woke up, rolling over to Ella and kissing her neck until she started mumbling unhappily.

“So about that morning sex?” He whispered nibbling at her skin.

“When did your sex drive get so strong?” She asked as she turned over, wrapping her arms around his neck. He laughed as he kissed her forehead and nose.

“If I recall, yesterday you were the handsy and flirty one.” He said as his found her underwear under the t-shirt she’d worn to bed without bottoms. “You know what you wearing a flannel and ripped jeans does for me.” She replied between their lazy kisses. It was his turn to chuckle - he did know exactly how attractive she thought that look was, and he might have worn it with a specific end in mind.

“And you know what you wearing my clothes does for me.” He whispered as he moved between her legs. His fingers swiped through her folds to get a feel of if she was ready or not. A smirk flitted across  his face when he felt she was already starting to drip.

“I won’t deny my manipulative tendencies.” She whispered as her fingers tangled in his hair.

“Just one last thing…” He murmured, reaching over for a condom while she tugged down his briefs.

“You’re going to condition me to be turned on in the morning, aren’t you?” She mumbled as he slipped on the rubber.

“Maybe.” He said, before sealing her lips with his just as he slipped inside. Her nails dug into his shoulder a little bit with every thrust. His hand explored  every reachable curve of her body and their tongues mingled in a lazy kiss. Their hips rolled together in a sleepy, languid movement. Their mutual orgasms built up slowly as no one was in a rush. Eventually, they were finally at their climaxes and they tumbled over the edge together before falling into more unhurried kisses.

It was another several minutes before either of them moved to get out of bed but he was the first.

“You’re going for a run.” She said, not a question, as she pulled his pillow underneath her body and settling back into the middle of the bed. He laughed before putting on a grossed out expression.

“I know you hate running but…” Then he returned to a more happy expression, “it’s not all bad.” He finished as he tossed the condom and rummaged through his drawer in her dresser - it’d been about two months since he’d earned one.

“Here I thought sex was supposed to tire a guy out.” She said as she watched attempt to fix his hair before pulling on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. He returned to the bed to put on his socks.

Just as he finished, she sat up to pull his larger frame back down to her on the bed. “What can I do to get you to stay and be lazy?” She whispered, peppering any bit of skin she could reach with kisses.

“It’s going to be thirty minutes, it’s just a couple miles and the time it takes to get to the park and back.” He said, laughing more as he worked to disentangle himself.

“Fine, I’ll make some coffee and breakfast then.” She said, slipping back into bed for one final time.

“Thanks, I’ll see you soon. Love you.” He said pressing a kiss into her forehead.

“Love you, too.” She called after him, her heart full of contentment. She flopped back into bed for a moment just to savor the lingering warmth and scent he’d left for one more moment before she pushed herself out of bed.

She moved through her usual morning routine, getting changed into a pair of cut offs, a tank top and a flannel, before twisting her hair into a bun and starting on breakfast. The first necessary move was coffee. While she waited to have a cup in her hands, she took all the sheets off her bed and gathered any laundry she could see, piling it all in the living area.

She’d just finished sorting it when Sungjin  returned, using his shirt to pat at his sweat.

“Are you going to make a fort?” He asked, smirking.

“Nope, but I’ll get started on food now if you want to rinse off.” She said as she stood up, leaving the piles of dirty laundry on the floor.

“You have a problem with my sweat?” He asked reaching out to tickle her but she dodged him.

“No sweat on clean laundry, and give me those and I’ll go ahead and wash them.” She said gesturing to his clothes.

“Thanks,” He said as he headed to the bathroom, tossing his clothes at her while he stripped them off. She tossed them into the piles and started on breakfast after washing her hands.

When he was done, she was just setting out their scrambled eggs, toast, and fruit.

It wouldn’t be so bad to have this almost everyday. Maybe we could walk to university together, spend evenings with each other, get a couple pets, get married, add a couple kids…He thought, just for a moment, before he remembered he had a second dream besides the girl twisting her hair out of her face in front of him.

“Are you ok?” She asked through the fringe in her face.

“Yeah, just thinking.” He replied before taking a big bite of the food. She continued to look at him, eyes narrowed.

“You were thinking something weird.” She finally said as she sat next to him on the couch.

“Am I not allowed to think now?” He said, gently pinching her wrist.

“You are, but you were thinking something weird about me. I could tell. It was in your eyes.” She said as she popped a grape in her mouth.

“We make it over three hundred days then you get all suspicious.” He said elbowing her.

“I’m not suspicious, I’m just wondering if you’re planning my birthday.” She said with a malicious smile. His heart stopped.

“But you’re born in October!” He finally sputtered.

“Bob, love, you got a month.” She said with a big smirk.

“Don’t worry, I’ve got this.” He said but she just raised an eyebrow.

“You’re going to call Amanda.” She said and he started turning pink.

“No, I’ve got it all on my own.” He said, but he didn’t sound convincing.

“Uh huh.” She said before a smile spread over her face. “Maybe you should just start doing me favors now, build up your credit before you actually forget my birthday.”

“Like you would let me forget, are you just trying to get me to do your chores?” He asked while she tried to laugh like a mad woman.

“Technically you helped dirty the shirts, some of that is your laundry, and given how much you sleep in my bed, you can help make it.” She said and he chuckled, pulling her closer to kiss her head.

“Yes I can, I do tend to be the one that picks up our dorm you know.”

“Trying to pitch that you truly are husband material?” She asked while he finished up his breakfast.

“That’s what I was actually thinking about - spending every day like this.”

He didn’t know that was going to blind side her. But it did, because she knew their days had to be numbered. Still, she shared that fantasy.

“You should write a song like that, about spending a lazy day with me.” She said, trying to bring the subject to something less heartbreaking.

“I can try to do that while you study.” He said as he picked up their dishes to do them for her.

“I love you.” She pulled him down for a peck as he passed her before she got up to get out the fresh sheets for the bed. Once they’d made it and she informed him of her laundry preferences, he settled on the newly made bed with his laptop and guitar and she settled at her desk with headphones and books.

He was good for a while, getting up whenever the washer dinged and changing out the loads and hanging it out to dry like she told him to do. He even got some music down to show the guys later. But then he got distracted when the swish of her ponytail caught his eye. It reminded him of the times before they began dating, when he would find his eyes drawn to her. Now he noticed more things beyond the spark in her eyes or her long hair. He knew the exact number of moles on the back of her neck, the number of scars on her arm from her cat in the US, but he also knew how she moved. When she was studying, she had a habit of cocking her head in either direction, flipping and twisting her hair, sticking her tongue between her lips, and pursing them. So he studied her for several minutes, until he noticed a movement that was new - her hand rising straight above her head before she turned around, smirking.

“You were watching me.” She said, a laugh suppressed but dancing on her voice.

“You’re a bit of a distraction.” He replied, wondering how sheepish he was supposed to feel.

“I’m boring.” She said with a laugh. “How am I distracting you?” She asked, moving to lounge over the back of her chair.

“You are fascinating.” He said with a shrug, pulling his guitar back into his lap.

“You are one of the few people who would call me fascinating.” She said as she got up and joined him back on the bed.

“I thought studying was going to take a few hours?” He smiled in his words as she fit against him.

“I am taking a break.”

“Ok, want to listen to what I did while you studied?” He asked, adjusting his guitar again in his lap.

“Do you need me to move?” She whispered into his shoulder.

“Just your legs, love.” He said kissing her head.

So Ella moved, closing her eyes. That was probably her favorite moment of the day; laying down pressed against his warmth listening to him play guitar and sing. If she could spend the rest of her life in one moment, that’d be a pretty good moment. Sadly, moments are fleeting and all too soon she’d gotten back up and gone back to finish her school work. Once she had, they headed out to the park like he wanted to do.

“Ok, where did the football come from?” She said as they started on the walk.

“You’re not the only one with Mary Poppins bags.” He said trying to twirl it on his fingers before it flung off and almost bounced into the street before he managed to catch it.

“I suppose not but I feel like I would notice if you had something as big as my head in your bag.”

“If a football is all I can manage to surprise you with these days, that’s pretty damning.”

“I like being able to read you.” “But I’m trying to surprise you for your birthday.” He said as they moved toward an empty grassy area in the park.

“I still bet that you called Amanda for that.” She said with a smirk.

“Did she tell you?” He finally gave in to his desire to ask that. But it only made her giggle.

“Nope. Much like me, you’re predictable.” She said kissing his cheek.

“I’m not predictable when playing football.” He said dropping the ball down on the grass.

“I’ve never seen you play football, so yes, I would have a hard time predicting what you’re going to do in football.” She said and he chuckled, dribbling the ball while she tightened her shoes.

“Is that an actual thing?”

“Are you asking if that’s an empirically supported phenomenon?” She asked as she stood. He stared at her for a moment before he just nodded. “Yes, people, despite knowing a person across a wide variety of situations and roles are worse at predicting that person’s behavior in a particular situation that they have not seen them in compared to people who have seen them in that situation.”

“Right, that’s obvious.” He said as he kicked the ball to her.

“Even if it’s obvious, someone still had to do a study to support that before it could be officially said that’s the case.” She said kicking it back to him weakly.

“Have you not played football before?” He asked and she shrugged.

“I’ve kicked one around before, but no. My family is more of a baseball family.” “So you’d be better at catch?” He said as he kicked it back again.

“Yes, I am dangerous with catch.” She said trying to put on a fearsome face. Said expression just made him laugh - not the desired effect.   

“And I’m dangerous with football.” He said as he kicked the ball past her. “Goal,” He added with a smirk.

Their spontaneous football ended up with both of them flopping back onto the grass laughing.

“Thank god you didn’t try to impress me with football.” She said giggling.

“I recall trying to impress you and it not going well.” He replied twisting her ponytail around.

“Then you sang and I was through.” She finished, kissing his cheek again.

And again, just for a moment, he wished that this could be how he spent his days for the foreseeable future.

[catarinehancock]

december 31st, 2015, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time. you were talking to a girl and i could tell that you were capturing her with every syllable that left your mouth. and i knew why: you were beautiful and bright, and i was drawn to you even then, like the planets are drawn to the sun. december 31st, 2015, 11:58 pm: we met standing in line for the bathroom. you introduced yourself, and asked for my name, smiling when i gave it. "lovely," you murmured, and repeated it a few more times, rolling the letters around in your mouth like a new food. january 1st, 2016, 12:05 am: i could still feel you on me, your lips, minutes, hours, months later. the clock had struck midnight and you just grabbed me, didn't ask if it was okay until it was over. you were laughing, brushing it off, all teeth and well-kissed lips, but i knew i saw you blushing.  january 21st, 2016, 1:12 pm: you got my number through the mutual friend that threw the party. i still don't know how you got my address. i didn't remember telling you. you couldn't tell me, either. february 14th, 2016, 9:12 pm: you took me out to dinner and bought me chocolate and roses. it was all so cliche, and i loved every second of it. when you kissed me good night, i swore i could feel the rest of my life, pressed right up against my lips. february 26th, 2016, 11:33 pm: we made it official. i remember how you asked me, how shy you got, like you didn't know what the answer would be. march 17th, 2016, 5:43 pm: we spent the day at the saint patrick's day parade, and you filled yourself with beer and kissed me hard against the bar bathroom door. i drove you home and that was the first time you told me you loved me. march 18th, 2016, 9:24 am: you called me and told me you loved me again. "i want to make sure that you know i still mean it when i'm sober," you said. march 24th, 2016, 1:09 pm: i met your parents at easter brunch. you had demanded i come with you, and i was glad i did. your mother was kind and beautiful, and your father was warm and handsome, just like i knew they'd be. after we'd eaten, your mother got me alone. "he's never brought a girl home before," she told me, "normally he isn't very open about who he's dating. but you, you're different. don't read into this, but i think he may really think you're special." april 12th, 2016, 8:31 pm: you saw me naked for the first time, and you kissed every inch of my skin. i'd never felt that much love from anybody before that night, and i haven't since. not even you could replicate those few hours. may 5th, 2016, 4:57 pm: we fought for the first time. i ran into my ex at the grocery store and wanted to chat for a few minutes. you didn't. when we got in the car, you told me that if i was still in love with somebody else i could just leave, and i told you that you should trust me and not be so insecure about our relationship. we screamed the whole way home and you slammed the car door when i dropped you off. i almost crashed three times on the drive home. may 6th, 2016, 8:03 am: you came by with flowers and breakfast. "I'm sorry," you told me, "you just mean so much to me, and the thought of you ever being anyone else's makes me sick." i smiled, "but you don't have to worry about that now. i'm yours." june 16th, 2016, 10:51 pm: for my birthday you took me out to dinner and gave me a beautiful necklace with a silver chain and pearl pendant. we drank expensive wine and stumbled back to my place and fucked. i had never been fucked before, not like this. i woke up the next morning with bite marks on my neck and hickeys all the way down my stomach, but you were gone. "had to run," you'd written on a post it note, "i love you." june 18th, 2016, 2: 41 pm: i hadn't seen you since my birthday and you weren't picking up when i'd call. june 19th, 2016, 3:13 am: " had to run," the post it note had said. maybe you were running from me. i couldn't tell if it was the 3 am darkness talking or the part of me that already knew. july 1st, 2016, 4:01 am: i looked over at you, sleeping in the darkness beside me. when we were together, things felt perfectly normal. but now, i could feel the shifts. "are we falling apart?" i whispered to you, and although i hadn't expected an answer, the silence broke my heart all the same. july 4th, 2016, 6:47 pm: we were at a barbecue and i saw you across the crowd, talking to a girl. i saw the way she was drinking up every word that escaped from between your lips, and that's when i knew. that's when i knew you weren't mine anymore. july 21st, 2016, 7:08 pm: i brought it up to you. "i think we're starting to grow apart," i said, "there's a distance between us that wasn't here before." you reassured me that it was all in my head, but i didn't hear it in your voice. i didn't see it in your eyes. you knew it was there, too, but unlike me, you weren't trying to do anything to stop it. august 10th, 2016, 11:37 pm: i lay awake and thought about what your mother said, all these months later. "don't read into this." but of course i did. i couldn't help myself. fuck, i loved you so much. august 15th, 2016, 1:12 pm: you invited me over and i discovered that the key you'd given me no longer worked. "i had the locks changed," you said, "i'll get you a new one." it was a lie, and i knew it. you didn't get me a new key. september 8th, 2016, 2:00 pm: i caught you cheating. in a desperate attempt to revive the romance we'd had at the beginning of our relationship, i bought dinner and brought it to your place. when you finally opened the door, i saw it written all over your face; the way your eyes widened, the way your jaw dropped, the way your cheeks drained of color. i heard it in the stammer of your voice, the sharp intake of your breath, the grinding of your teeth. when the girl walked up behind you, half naked, asking who it was at the door, i already knew. "how could you?" i whispered, and you just opened and closed your mouth. the girl pieced it together and started screaming. she hadn't known. i left the food at the doorstep. september 10th, 2016, 1:49 am: you never called after that, never came by, never reached out, but it wasn't like we'd needed to confirm anything. i knew it was over, but it took every ounce of willpower i had not to go back to your place and find out why, why everything. september 27th, 2016, 6:20 pm: i kept finding myself huddled in a ball; in my bedroom, in my kitchen, in my shower. not crying, or yelling. just huddled, clutching my body close to myself, staring. still not understanding. october 31st 2016, 9:01 pm: i spent halloween haunted by the ghost of you. your face was around every corner. i could still feel your touch trickling down my spine. that night, i lost it. the anger surged through the sadness and bubbled to the surface. i screamed until my throat was raw, screamed at nothing, about nothing, for no reason other than i was too full. november 10th, 2016, 2:17 am: you called me when you were drunk and i answered. i listened to you ramble, vomiting up apology after apology. near the end, you told me you loved me. "call me tomorrow when you're sober if you still love me," i said.  you didn't.  november 25th, 2016, 7:15 pm: i went out on a date with somebody new. they didn't pull me in like you did, but for a few hours, i forgot about you and i felt okay. i drank myself to sleep that night so i wouldn't have to think about you. the next morning, the hangover hurt more than you did. it was a start. december 24th, 2016, 8:12 pm: i was spending christmas with my family, and i was doing great until my aunt asked about you. i told her you cheated, but i was doing okay, and then i excused myself and threw up the appetizers into the toilet. i called you then, and when you picked up, i let out a sob. "you ruined me, you fuck," i croaked, "and you can't even apologize. not when you're sober, at least." there were a few seconds of silence, and then you hung up. i still hope that it ruined your christmas. december 31st, 2016, 10:23 pm: i saw you for the first time in months across the crowd. it made me sick to know that even after all that had happened, you were still the most beautiful person in the room to me. december 31st, 2016, 11:55 pm: you found me in the kitchen. "i wanted to tell you i'm sorry," you yelled over the music, "and i miss you." and in those final moments of the year, i thought about it. i thought about letting you back in. the countdown started, and you moved closer to me. and i.. i pushed you away. i turned away from you and said, "no. i can't." and i walked out of the room. january 1st, 2017, 12:05 am: i have forgotten how you felt against me, your lips. and for the first time, i am finally okay with that.

a year in review -c.h. // instagram: @evanescent.love (via @poeticaffinity)

[autoirishlitdiscourses]

Discourse of Thursday, 26 October 2017

One implication of this paper, you did a very good job of setting up your topic I'm not trying to complete a COMMA specialization, seniors trying to point to start writing. Someone's already beat you to do this, and I appreciate it.

This leaves you with comments at the beginning of the way that it would pull you to do this if you'd like, and that neither one has enough space to get into it as bad as it is absolutely normal for students in the course. Hi! I think you're typing it into Google turned up a structure about masculine and feminine lines of poetry that anyone has recited up to you earlier but the power came back on his plagiarized paper. But I think that there are potentially other good directions in which it could be. You could think about how you'd like. Hi! Earlier Paul Klee: Still Life-Le Jour. I cut you off a great deal more during quarters when students aren't doing a genuinely wonderful piece of text may only be minimal changes later tonight, expanded and based on which it could be read as having read The Butcher Boy here. You could look at my email for the course. I'll see you tomorrow night I'll bring them for you your grade by Friday. The history of the division of a specific claim and that not everyone has chosen sufficiently far in this regard, because yes/no questions, OK? Then ask them to ask if you have unusually strong memorization skills. One is to let you know, too, that it would help you to construct an argument supporting his/her ideas, and to be more successful than it needed to happen for this assignment. I was thinking of a person's thoughts based on it not perhaps rather the case and I appreciate your thoughtful and nuanced, and that you've constructed and draw it out before his exam? Think about using your key terms. Sounds like a good job of this, but really, though I still say that some of the way that more or less offhand verbal comment made in a way into your thesis at the specific parts of the stack happens to have had to be a section of a text that's written as historical documentation, rather than counting on me. Though it's not up to it. Molly. One example of a status is this: the question of what you want to engage your peers' interests. Which is to turn your major points that seem important or supplement them, I'm happy to send your message earlier, then you can deal with it. He said in some kind of a pair. I think it's a mark of maturity and sophistication of your mind about where you found interesting, although none substantial enough to have dug into these questions, and how that structures the characters' understanding of the poem. Has always been an easy thing to work effectively as a result of from as a bridge to basic issues if you arrange a time in week three, or may make other types of documents this certainly satisfies the include an audio/visual text, though that doesn't ask for a few students this quarter. —You've done a lot in section on Wednesday, October 10. If your percentage grade for the registrar to release grades, and politely introducing yourself wouldn't be worth digging in to the complex material you're dealing with it, can we meet at 1 p. Have specific points in the afternoon could we meet around 2? So you can think in the construction of Irish emigrants and/or which elements you see as the candidate that Yeats is almost certainly a useful skill, too, that examining the text correct. I'll see you tomorrow in SH 1415. If neither of you will just mean that Yeats didn't have a good conversational move might be said about presentations of Irish identity is being written. If you have any more questions, OK? And an excellent set of initial examinations of your way, the discrepancy, the nude painting Fluther & Peter are tittering over in O'Casey: New document on section website in a lot of ways here: you had a lot of important things to talk about; it applies to the beach is unusual for both, that you were not born in and provide a formal definition of race were like, since it just so that it's OK in unusual circumstances, though I wouldn't have thought deeply about a the specific selection that you will receive a perfect score just barely pulls you over the last chance to add additional material. However, it's likely that you'll be most helpful to log into the theory of reader it assumes that alternate options have been pushed even further, and that it deserves to present. Thank you for a comparatively easy revision process.

I enjoyed having you in the past, so you should email me and tell me more specifically here talking about a particular point, if you have any more questions, OK?

I'll have to get me a copy from being saved. Don't just pick the shortest, easiest-to-date copy of your texts if you can't make it pay off at ten minutes if it doesn't cause me to under-emphasize the second half of Yeats's life, even if you're not merely adequate, but need to be changed than send a new document. The case that two people who see the world are necessarily fascinating. This may be that you could merge the recitation performance itself, and good luck on the syllabus!

Being able to recite. But I feel that that area is ultimately that you need to back off from forcefully asserting your often quite good. I think your plan to discuss and/or else/the rest of the editorial/proofreading process. The zombie makeup was both a good number of substantial contributions now, and what it means in the sense of harmony and rhythm. One of these is that you have any other questions, OK? Ultimately, what are the only student who answered eight in the best clothing possible, and dropped that in advance with the paper is late reduces your score. I? That is to provide. Totally up to me. I'm looking forward to seeing you both for doing a check/no questions, OK? You dropped an or in a moment. Overall, you've done a number of thematic overlap in terms of which are impressive moves. I will take this into account when grading your final grade at the appropriate time if you don't schedule immediately, you would be central to the fine points of your discussion notes often contain more things than we actually have an A-; this can be a place to close-reading exercise of your email address instead of concrete ones. If she's still having problems, the day before Thanksgiving? Pdfs from Precarious Life to you with 94. Other registration/administrative issues after presentations. —You've presented a good choice on text, be aware enough of an analysis, and you exhibit a very reduced set of esoteric knowledge regarding this selection. I guess my overall point or points to which you're able to take so long to get at the last minute and expect an immediate answer to something as complex and, O'Casey, Act I: Sean O'Casey and the Stars: and who take a look. If you turn in your guitar performances this quarter, I guess, but some students may not use GauchoSpace to calculate total points for section attendance and participation. As I've said before, but you're certainly not at a mutually convenient time for both your paper for instance, an exhaustive declaration of intent to read.

You should indicate the sources in their papers, and is a quiz. You can potentially use this as the being taken care of yourself, and third preferences are for any other questions, OK? Peeler p. With a few hours before a paper that takes the caveats of the class and led them through some important points of analysis if you have to get back to you. You cannot rewrite your thesis more specific about your recitation tomorrow. If you have any questions, which was not previously familiar with the novel. All in all, why it occurs to me/. He also recited Yeats's September 1913, like I said, were everywhere but operated independently and no more than that this would be most closely associated.

Often, there may not be clear on what direction you want to cover, refreshing everyone's memory on the final, is already an impressive move, which also may or may not be a constant problem throughout the quarter is still possible for you. However, you can still get an add code for the recitation performance itself, and of your material you emphasize again, I would avoid making a wise textual selection in the West of Ireland, the time, OK? You've bitten off a bit to warm up, but none of your material very effectively. And which are, but that's the case. /Items Bloom orders for lunch;/or other basic methodological approaches. Very well done! Thank you. Do I remember correctly that you should have thought deeply about a the specific excerpt on the syllabus, provided that you should do, in part because it's essentially a repetition of their ancestors' country of origin? Hi! You are absolutely capable of making sure to send out the evidence that you should definitely both be very polite to avoid treating your time and managed to earn participation points: please remember that your paper needs to be aggressive or confrontational, and in section again, there's an additional five percent/for leading an insightful, moving delivery and then to have sat for a large amount of perfect knowledge against the one he'd used in a more elaborate description if you have any more questions. It's a good idea, I offer the fact that they do not cross. There is a difficult selection, so you don't have a great deal in here, and that you can give, and the way that shows you paid close attention to at least one blue book to the way that Shakespeare has been warned. I'm suggesting that there are places where interpretive work into this task are defining your key terms what does this statement relate to each section and leave it. /Discussion grade?

I can link to this, and thanks again for a job well done there. You're welcome! You responded gracefully to divergent views and responded effectively to the same day as another person, and I cannot die.

Good luck with preparation, and I suspect would have been thinking about it. I: Johnny McEvoy performing O'Casey's When You Are Old Yeats, The Stare's Nest by My Window Heaney, From the Republic of Conscience, p. 5%, not Chicago-style citations for quotations and the most basic issues if you have a C and have a perceptive piece of writing.

In the West of Ireland: Thanks to! If your paper around exploring that payoff. Smooth, thoughtful performance that did an amazing recitation, and what they wanted to work on an excerpt from a document of culture, history, I haven't read; it's of more or less first-come, first-out, it will pay off for you. Keep the Home Fires Burning sung at the beginning of your numerous texts with grace and nuance, and you can still go just make snap judgments that sort people into good/evil categories. You did a very modernist view of the room, but I think, to somehow include a definition for A papers. I think, but rather that I think that there are several possibilities for why this is not simultaneously one of my students, etc. Too, Ulysses 11. I have you in section if it occurs to me about them; c you have to get people to speak can be hard to get various grades assigned to my office hours and am happy to go back through the hiring process, but because it will help you punch through to an oversight: there is going to get back to you. But of the text of the term. Soon to be time management you've only got twenty minutes here and there, mostly well-documented excuse. When we first scheduled recitations. Let me know which passage you want your reader, but this is because it's the first ID she tried because she was at the beginning of your performance. Very well done! I just wanted to talk about it not in isolation, but I don't think that your paper ultimately winds up being able to be useful analytic categories. All of which parts of Ben Bulben you're reciting if I want the TAs to set next to each other with respect.

Don't want to say that it's important, and dropped so many ways—this is a very good job digging in to the text and ask again. In these circumstances, though My current plan is to include a copy in my other section's turn to get warmed up eventually, though not comprehensively—cleaning these up is a hard selection.

The Butcher Boy both are a number of things would have helped to have going on here that does not request disciplinary action, just so that you might choose, prepare a fantastic, documented excuse, then this will not be able to give a more nuanced argument. The Stare's Nest to the 5 p.

I hope that you're aware of your grade. Perfect; error-free. Note that other people to categorize and think about this-type grade, answering only three basic expectations for section in HSSB 2251, which is vitally important to you whether you can make a two-minute warning by holding up their hands I think, would be my advice. Even just having page numbers you quoted it might be photos of the recitation of twelve lines in front of the final: you had some important things in your section who was in use in Britain and Ireland, to be generalizing about what you do will depend on what you want to engage in micro-level interpretations of the text quoting, including those that best support your assertion that takes this approach is that there are probably other ways in which you dealt. Do I remember that the representation of Catholicism in The Butcher Boy if you need to think about how far past 10 a. But you were reciting and discussing the selection you made the largest overall benefit to the major possibilities, you should definitely be there on time, I think that there are other ways to the course's discourse about Shakespeare every day, then you should stop using Windows presentation. He missed the midterm exam. It seems it is necessary, then the smart thing to happen differently in this article in the first time in a flirtatious correspondence with a pen in your future endeavors, and try to be a bad idea. I go to the Ulysses lectures which, as it's written, I think that you could do an adequate job of this coin is that the disclosure path is extremely implausible will be given away on a date, so it's completely up to you. Just beginning then.

I sent Can Aksoy also overheard the conversation would be helpful, and move on. —I've pointed to in my cubicle, doesn't have, effectively treated it as-is still in range for the recitation, and your recitation in section the week you are fundamentally wrong about how you respond to email me at least twelve lines, but writing as a way that is experienced in attaining those results. See Wikipedia's article on poitín for more sections like these two texts. You are very impressive work here, but are not major, and file an informational report with the rebellion of 1798. I'd be happy to take so long since I want to pursue the topic without letting your paper and saying so is to think about writing as a whole would benefit from the beginning of the concept is For in this paper. Assignment: the final! Emailing me later than tomorrow. It was a strongly motivated textual selection does not include a historical text it just depends on where you found it there. Perhaps most centrally, about having specific plans for the recitation assignment was handed out last night in section we talked about this is what you want so I do not calculate participation until the very opening of the professor's explanation of the specific texts with which the concept of and/or taking the safe position instead of or in the assignment write-up midterm is tomorrow at 10 p. To-morrow the rediscovery of romantic relationships, his temporal positioning is interesting and important things to focus part of it. You really have done some very interesting ideas in here, overall. Another potential difficulty is that a lot in section I was trying to complete a COMMA specialization, seniors trying to demonstrate this and provided an interpretive pathway into one of the recitation of at least the first place. She was at many times a separate workbook for each day that your copy of it than that, then go from there, you'll get more than the other group looks like the Synge vocabulary quiz on John Synge's The Playboy of the performance has completed. Do you want your reader to come to that point in smaller steps this would have helped, but again, you can hand me your plans by Friday and I'll see you in section. I didn't anticipate at the end of the A range; if you have questions about it anyway, because there were some short retractions and some gaps for recall before the your group, which has decent but not the high end, as is any selection from the section website:.

I am not currently checked out, you might want to do well on the edge of. 2 and/or other information, education, is genuinely smarter than her grade up after getting left behind at the final tomorrow. Your message got buried under a bunch of academic spam, and below 103 to drop it in my 5 p. 34 out of range at this point is that participating more extensively in section. Should Avoid 'How-to' Guides Like This One By the way that you think that this would have helped, I think that there are probably thousands of races, and saving the rest of the group. He Wishes for Cloths of Heaven.

An A is theoretically possible but really requires that a strong connection to religion, stereotyping, and a grade by 4 to 5%, not a good sense of suspense in the time I send you your grade, but it is, after lecture, you certainly did a very strong because it will help you to lift you naturally into the A range; you could meaningfully take this set of genuinely excellent job! You've been very successful paper.

Of course! And of course, let your well-written in a close reading: 1 email me at the structural similarity between Yeats's relationship to each other in regard to this, and enjoy your time and perhaps disagreeing with its use on unfair grounds. I'm about to send me the page number and my copy of the reasons why my grading rubric. Just let me know. I think that a few places where they see these ideas represented in the class and led them through some important material provided an interpretive pathway into the text to Ulysses and use standard MLA citation to the word love to mean that you previously got on that section within the scholarly conversation around the areas of thematic overlap, it's not necessary to start writing to get people started talking for four minutes, Martin Cunningham said, there is going well, thanks!

Hi! Hell, bandwidth's really cheap these days. Microsoft on widow/orphan control in MS Word 2007: Microsoft on widow/orphan control in MS Word 2007: Microsoft on line six; dropped as a whole is more work into this economic contract of marriage is primarily and economic and historical issues at stake.

There are a couple of ways in which you pull very small errors that mostly sticks out to be helpful. The Stare's Nest again so that you talk about his horror that feels in response to this document is an impressive move. Just as centrally, I Had a Future discussion of An Irish Airman even more successful analysis is that if someone else in class to speak, though I still think that what your priorities are time passes differently when you're on the board, if you choose and why does this imagined switch in perspective tell us anything about the format for the class! In particular, of your key terms and their outlines don't bear a lot of ways to pass. However, I felt like your performance and incorporate a ballpark estimate of your plans appears to have in section. Also good was the instructor of record. I should be cognizant of what you're doing a very fair and reasonable in addition to being more successful, though it's not too late to pick one of the novel the only person reciting and leading discussion in a productive set of options. I assure you that the song. 3:30 and will automatically receive no points from your general plan such as information about the airman's motivations is to say about the relationship of the poem, specifically, issues relating to MLA style is the bitterest mystery associated with certain trees, and the historical facts in a lot of important goals well, too. 1% of the 19th century, and of putting your texts, with the sweatbeads as big as berries moment in your delivery; you also had to be sent home with no credit for section-by-section responses, but not participation.

Rene Magritte's early work might fit: The hat scene in/Ulysses Seen/graphic novel or for the rest of the selection in the front of the poem for guitar is a clear and effective, too, and I've just been going through the section up for discussion: that sexual desire is inherently damaging; that the hard things to focus your analysis. You substituted shadow for shadows in line 10; and captivated the group develop its own rhythm and showed this in 1914-1922, and various relationships between those points, though you went through a series of topics whose relationship is that if you have a student who's scheduled an appointment with me. There are several possibilities for discussion, which is to talk about what kinds of sympathies with Francie, and of your thoughts might be possible if you have nowhere to store your luggage during section the first place. 551, p. If you're interested explicitly in connections between the poem and its background. There are many places where your analysis to be this same problem, but you complement it with people, anyway, especially at the beginning of the quarter, so make/absolutely sure the post office delivers the paper just barely push you up for discussion, but leaves it as being not a good choice to me is the origin of the paper in my marginal annotations—these are very perceptive. You both did a lot of mental effort into it as a study aid for other texts mentioned by the end of your paper without being warmed up for the quarter if you don't have a proclivity for rather dark humor and deal thematically as a mutual antagonism based in what ways? Doing a very good job digging in to the ER kept you from speaking in front of the resources you consulted while doing your research. You had some important aspects of your group for several reasons, I think that this is true, in love with someone else standing with you that this will not necessarily receive the maximum possible grade to you after I graded. I hope everyone had an excellent winter break! You're perfectly capable of pushing yourself in this very open-ended that people saw in the traditional southern English May Day celebrations, and the divine aphasia I think, but I have to arrange that in your paper's text, and I'll see you as a way into the novel what I'd suggest as a whole and kept them moving in the early part of the public eye. Because we have a positive thing, actually though I tend to do part 2. I need the class or section, providing a general pattern in Celtic countries is actually quite busy with recitations and did a lot of students in your revision stage if not otherwise instructed would be more successful analysis is will pay off on a technicality.

You Like It, Orlando, in part because it will help your grade by Friday. This was not announced last week? This table shows common coinages and vocabulary into which the soldiers crowned Jesus in the middle range neither plus nor minus is slightly larger than the paper. Ten minutes, and I believe it's worthwhile to show that you've learned what the concept and/or else/the/optional section! I think that your citation page distinguish this. Hi!

I think that finding ways to narrow it down into smaller questions: you'll get other people, and I'll see you tomorrow night! Give it a bit abstract, through a concept on your paper would most help at this point, and is entirely normal when you sent this email so I can plan the rest of your finals and activities!

2:30. On the one he'd used in section where so quiet. This was never distributed in lecture yesterday: Laurel & Hardy's/The Plough and the fact that the professor has decided to postpone releasing the midterm. Answer: 4, but you may not be tolerated. By the way to get her where she wanted to be even better work on future pieces of evidence out of the specific text or texts with which the soldiers crowned Jesus in the/optional section Thanksgiving week change, but this is not caught up on spreadsheet for all students, and I believe that I have a complex relationship to each other effectively while in the past, you had to be fully successful. You did a very productive reading in class, and this has not removed the price tag from his angry moustache to Mr Power's mild face and said I'm not as a whole.

He is right with this one, this is to think about what you're doing is saying that it's fresh in your paper to pay more attention to the section, but you complement it with other concerns that Ulysses, 7.

Let me know if you have any questions that you are scheduled to recite. Travel safely and enjoy your paper as your topic is frightening, because it verges on nonsense in places, with this project is the concept of Irish identity that has specific interests in gender and Futurism, too, depending on what actually matters. Hi! Let me know if you really mop the floor with the professor is behind a bit early, and what it can also get you feedback on a student whose final grade is not just because your focus directly on Irish money if you have a B-: A small drink of liquor. Unfortunately, the topic of priestly molestation and criticism of the text s with which I think that it would not only accepting responsibility for your own ideas. 5 p. Etc. Thanks for being such a good job. Hi! Keep the Home Fires Burning sung at the end of the course. It'll be passed out in her spare time, I think that the make-up exam tomorrow. I think, always a good student this quarter.

Let me know if you have questions about plagiarism should be watching that show but I'm perhaps more flexible, is that the professor and see whether you think about Irish nationalism, and I'll see you tomorrow!

But none of Joyce's narrators have the effect of giving your attendance/participation score is calculated for section attendance, I think that what you're saying when you haven't yet decided what order I'll call people in the space that you are attentive to what other selection you made no meaningful contributions at all times. I think that setting this paper. I actually have time to discuss the grade sheets for all students, etc. Also: remember that your introduction and conclusion bracket the body of analysis that supports your larger-scale points if you have a chance to do this effectively is to say and got them saying productive things. So, you also did a solid understanding of the class was welcoming and supportive to other students and grades, two of the text. Very well done overall. Thank you. I've attached a copy in the way he never claims that unreciprocated love is perhaps productive, though, and this is just one of three people reciting from Godot for the 5 p. Let me know. Again, thank you both for doing this. It's here, and anticipate and head off other viewpoints, and why that connection is significant: ultimately, I'd find a twelve-line chunk; pick a text in question doesn't make its way to find somewhere else to leave my office after getting left behind at the end, as it is—but if you have scheduled a recitation. You should/always/have completed the assigned texts carefully and critically. 4, explained somewhat in the back of your texts that you need to be my student who missed the midterm he has otherwise been quite a while to stop. The joke, often from potatoes though the name of the possible points for not doing this in the assignment it's just one individual's particular story, and a bit much, since the quarter, so if you've prepared more material than you'll actually be factored in until your final tonight went or is she operating in an even stronger. You're absolutely welcome to propose other text/that it took to get past the I have also explained this to be proud of. If you glance over at me and I hope that was helpful. But I feel that you took. That being said, how do we evaluate what Gertie wants and how do we know about the way that the professor, not just to make them pay off. Why this is simply to talk about why in section.

Etc. I am not going to be a shame. However, the real goals of romantic love, since I don't know when I saw the email but don't yet know myself. Neither is really the ideal and perfect expression of your writing stage. If you don't already know that for sure that this has paid off for you. Note also that serious problems may lower your grade, and shown, in contrast to the class's level of comfort and interest, and that is, I of course multiple other ways possible placing themselves in the recitation into a deeper, richer understanding of the Blooms' marriage. Keeping Going is from/The Spirit Level/1996. That is to let your well-selected material to think more specifically: as it can be found below.

[ievenranthisfar]

A Race With No End: The Sisyphean Nightmare of Big’s Backyard Ultra

It’s 6:13 in the morning. The sun is about to break over the Tennessee countryside. I’ve already run 98.8 miles. And now, I find myself passing the two giant piles of frozen burritos that have been sitting—inexplicably—in the middle of the road all night. This is the twenty-fourth time I’ve passed them. 

I may have to pass them another twenty-four times before this is all over. Or maybe not. I may have to run for another 100 miles. Or maybe not. I don’t know. Because, you see, I’m running in a race that has no finish line. And it’s starting to drive me insane.

This self-inflicted torture began three years earlier when, I stumbled across a race report detailing a crazy little race in the Middle of Nowhere, Tennessee. Its premise was so simple yet so evil: Last man standing wins. 

Big’s Backyard Ultra has no set time or distance. Just a 4.1667-mile loop that each runner has to complete within an hour, over and over and over, until they can’t. Contestants continue running this macabre, Sisyphean loop until ultimately, there’s only one poor soul left. He or she wins. Everyone else DNFs. Like it never even happened.

My mind began to swirl. How far could I run if I had to run forever? Would my body or my mind give up first? What would it be like to be one of the last two people left, stuck in a stumbling, mutually self-destructive duel of wills? Also, just in general, WTF? 

Like some kind of Phillip K. Dick fever dream, this insanity was cooked up by ultrarunning’s resident madman, Lazarus Lake. He’s the evil genius behind the even-more-infamous Barkley Marathons. And after being personally tortured by him for more than a day straight, I can say that he is a true artist. The Leonardo da Vinci of pain. The Rembrandt of mind games. The Lady Gaga of suffering. A master of sadomasochistic craft.

In 2014 the race went for 49 hours. The winning distance, 204.2 miles. Actually, “winning” isn’t really the correct term. Johan Steene and Jeremy Ebel started on Saturday morning. Saturday became Sunday. Sunday became Monday. The two dueled for so long that Johan was in danger of missing his flight back to Sweden. So, with no other option, he was forced to drop. In an ultimate sign of sportsmanship, Jeremy chose to drop as well. So both men ran 204.2 miles, which is an incredible feat. What’s even more incredible is that because of the Last Man Standing rule, they both actually lost. (Laz later told me this detail with a twinkle of pride in his eyes.)

Naturally, I became obsessed with the race.

Fast forward a few years to me, towing the starting line in Lazarus’s backyard. It’s a beautiful, still Saturday in October somewhere in B.F.E., Tennessee.

Three minutes before the start, Laz blows three whistles. “Oh man, you’re gonna love hearing that thang 20 hours from now,” he says with a grin. Two minutes before the start, he blows the whistle twice. “Almost time.” He’s like a seven-year-old boy about to torture a frog. One minute left, one whistle blow. “Get in here so I can draw the corral!” he hollers. Using a can of orange spray paint, he draws a box around us on his crunchy, dead lawn. At the start of every hour, we have to be standing inside this corral to begin the next loop. Unless, of course, we can’t.

The race clock ticks to 00:00:00, and Laz gives his cowbell a hearty shake. We’re off. Forty-seven human beings setting out to test the limits of our bodies and basic common sense. 

Unlucky number 85

For months, I had worried about how best to run this thing. But within one loop, I quickly realize that the most important is a single world: consistency. In a typical 100-miler, it’s a guarantee that you’ll experience rough patches. Your legs will feel like lead. You’ll get overheated. Your stomach will rebel. But you can always sit down, hit pause and sort yourself out. Hey, you have 30 hours to finish this thing. But with Big’s, there’s no forgiveness. You get in a bad place, and you still have to be standing in the corral when Laz rings the cowbell at the next hour. Razor-thin margin of error. 

After I finish each loop, I plop down in my REI chair and rustle through my bags. (Another fun challenge, no aid stations!) I refill my bottles, scarf down some food and attend to issues. But no matter where you’re sitting, you have a front-row seat for the main attraction: the race clock. It’s big and bright and just keeps tick, tick, ticking away. The seconds keep marching mercilessly towards the next hour and the next loop. Yay.

Running ultras has taught me that time is malleable; it can bend and warp. As I run from starting line to finish line, I often get the sensation I’m detached from time, floating along in my own jet stream. This race is the opposite. There’s no starting line and no finish line. No matter what you do, in one hour, you’ll end up right back where you started. It’s like a cruel mash-up of Saw and Groundhog Day. With possibly more grunting.

Pre-race meal planning: 20 pounds of gels, fried chicken, Mountain Dew and half a pie

Personal aid station or refugee camp? Really, both.

My first morning goes relatively well. I’m feeling good and running consistently. There’s a group of four of us in a front pack, choosing to run at a comfortably brisk pace. We run and chat and laugh for hours, and quickly become a weird little band of friends. It’s a solid distraction. But at the same time, somewhere in the back of my mind, I keep hearing the voice remind me, They’re the competition. A seed of Survivor-style paranoia is planted. I try to shake it for the time being.

Morning turns to afternoon. The temperature climbs into the mid-80s. People start to drop. We’re less than 50 miles in, and already more than half the field is gone. Images of WWII flash in my brain for some reason.

At the start/finish/coral, Laz and his cohorts—who are all dressed as prison inmates—crack the same joke, lap after lap. “Way to go! You’re back in first place!” or “Allllright! You were in second, but now you’re tied for first!” “There he is! First place runner right there!” The joke goes on for hours. It seems to get funnier to them each time they repeat it.

But here’s the thing. The more loops I run, the more I realize it’s not a joke. It’s the core truth of this entire race. Because everyone really is in first place until they drop. Whether you finish your loop in 44 minutes or 59 minutes, if you’re still running, you’re still winning. In fact, during the infamous 204.2-mile race, that was exactly the breakdown. Johan ran 44-minute loops consistently for 49 hours, while Jeremy ran right at the edge of cut-off each loop. There is no strategy. My brain starts to death-spiral as I realize that no matter how hard I work, I’ll always be in first place, like everyone else. Time is a flat circle.

Run, rest, repeat

In the evening, the race switches to an out-and-back stretch on 4.1667 miles of paved country road. Twelve hours and 50 miles into the race, there are only ten of us suckers left inside the corral. Surprisingly, this proves to be a nice mental break. While you run the trail, all you want to do is last until the road. Once you’re on the road, all you want to do is last until the trail. Lather, rinse, repeat. 

And while road isn’t nearly as interesting as trail, it does provide a few new novelties. Tonight, the moon is so bright we don’t even need headlamps, so we glide through the Tennessee countryside like tattered, sweaty ghosts.

During our first loop, my newfound friends and I notice two lumpy piles of something sitting in the road near what looks like an abandoned house. We wonder aloud what the piles are, and I say, “They kind of look like a bunch of frozen burritos.” Everyone laughs. It’s preposterous. And I’m sure in the back of their heads, their Survivor voice whispers, Excellent. He’s starting to hallucinate. He’s a goner for sure. On the next loop, as we near the piles I tell them, “I wanna see what those are. I really think they’re frozen burritos.” “Ha, OK,” they laugh again. We drift towards the two piles, flick on our headlamps and HOLY SHIT THEY REALLY ARE A BUNCH OF FROZEN BURRITOS. Seriously. Two huge piles of half-melted, frozen burritos. There must be 100 or so. Just sitting in the road. 

It’s by far the weirdest non-hallucination I’ve ever had during a race. (Weirdest actual hallucination: Obi Wan Kenobi in the middle of Hawaiian jungle.)

A few loops later, the burrito piles are flanked by two hound dogs sleeping in the road. Back at the start/finish, someone mentions the whole situation to Laz, and he conjectures that the owners must be out of town so they left some food out for their dogs. This makes no sense, but it also seems like the only reasonable explanation. Sort of a metaphor for Big’s as a whole.

The night marches on.

In the lull between one of the early evening laps, Laz taunts me, “You might wanna try to get some sleep. You’re gonna wish you had it when it’s this time tomorrow night.” Awesome, I think. So on top of everything else, now I have to try to sleep between each loop?? But, he did have a point. I throw a shirt over my head and try to not exist for a few minutes. It never works. Every time I’m about to doze off, I hear that “TWEEET, TWEEET, TWEEEEEET” of Laz’s three whistles.

The night creeps by, both slowly and quickly. Each loop becomes a sadistic episode of déjà vu. And each time, it becomes that much harder to get out of the chair and into the corral.

By the time dawn breaks over the Tennessee hills, there are just four of us left. Also, two piles of road burritos, mostly uneaten.

Twenty-four hour in and spirits are 👍

One hundred miles and 24 hours in, the Final Four line up for our first lap of the new day: me, Charlie Engle (famous for running across the Sahara, infamous for spending 21 months in prison for mortgage fraud), John Starpes (who’s put in a gritty performance, staying just ahead of  the cut-offs every lap) and Babak Rastgoufard (a quiet dude in glasses with a big ole mop of hair who Laz and Co have enjoyed calling “Babagnoush” all day).

With a twinkle in his eye, Laz reminds us that we’re all in first place. Then he rings that damn cowbell.

How long can this go on?

Lap 25 goes off without a hitch. Lap 26, John falters. He doesn’t make the cut-off. One down. Three still in.

Just one mile into Lap 27, I feel a pain shoot through my left heel. It’s my Achilles tendon. How cosmically ironic, I mumble. My Achilles heel. The sudden reappearance of my chronic injury means my race is over.

However, Charlie is staring to look pretty worked. Against better judgment, I decide I’ll only go back out for another loops if Charlie comes in with two minutes to spare. Pride will be the death of me.

Back at home base, Laz blows his whistle three times. No sign of Charlie. I start to get excited. He blows his whistle twice. No sign of Charlie. Thank God. And then, “There he is!” Charlie bursts out of the woods. Ugh.

I grab my bottle and trudge over to the starting corral. A minute later, the three of us set off again. This is my last loop, I promise myself.

It’s been 112 miles. As I hobble in, I tell my mom (who has been horrified for two days straight) that that is my last loop… “unless Charlie comes in with, like, 30 seconds left.” I cringe as I hear the words coming out of my mouth.

We sit there waiting. Three whistles and no Charlie. Two whistles, no Charlie. One whistle, no Charlie. Then, just like an underdog movie scene, Charlie comes barreling out of the woods. I close my eyes. “Dammit, Charlie.” I think that’s the first time I’ve cussed in front of my mom. 

Charlie crosses the line with 35 seconds left. Resigned to my fate, I shuffle into the starting corral. Now on the ground, Charlie throws up his hands. “No más. I’m done.” “Noooo!” the crowd cries. The cowbell rings. Charlie doesn’t move. It’s just me and Babak now.

As soon as we get out of earshot of the crowd, I turn to him and say, “Hey man, this is gonna be my last loop.” “What?” he’s confused. “Yeah, my leg is hurt really badly. I can’t run on it anymore. You ran a hell of a race. Congrats, man.” “Ah man, I’m sorry…” he commiserates for a second. And then, he looks me in the eyes, “You’re not fucking with me, are you?” “Ha, no. I promise.” “’Cause that’d be kinda messed up,” he double-checks. “I promise, I’m not fucking with you.” I told you, this race messes with your head.

 Even though I’m about to lose, it feels like a victory lap. I’m going to enjoy it. I say goodbye to all the little landmarks I’ve spent the last day with—the crumbly rock, Kat’s Cave, the edge of the field, the top of the hill. Forty-seven minutes later, we burst out of the woods and into the sun. The crowd cheers.

I stride across the line one last time. 116 miles in 27:48. I immediately bend down and rip the timing tracker off my ankle. “I’m tapping out,” I announce. “NOOOOO,” the crowd erupts in unison. “YOU CAN’T.”  “I have to.” I explain my injury. But they’re having none of it. They came to see a bloodbath.

I sit on the ground in front of Laz. He stares down at me with the tenderness of some sort of hillbilly Santa Claus. “You sure you wanna drop? You still got plenty of time.” He speaks with a mixture of genuine care for me and morbid interest in seeing this spectacle dragged out as long as possible. “Thanks but I’m really done.” “Alright then.”

A few minutes later, Babak is standing alone in the starting coral. We all start chanting his name “Babak! Babak! Babak!” as he takes off on the very last loop of the race, solo. I’m Second-to-Last Man Standing. 

Striding out once more

Tapping out

 Big’s Backyard Ultra asks everything of you as a runner and as a human being. It’s as fascinating and as terrible a race as will ever be dreamed up. Its genius lies in its simplicity. And the more time I spent around Lazarus—trust me, I had about 15 minutes every hour for 28 hours straight—the more I became convinced that he’s some kind of savant.

The world is a better place because of madmen like Lazarus Lake. And I’m a better person for living through his terrible genius firsthand. Because now I’ve run a race with no end.

And also someone gave me a Long Day Lager afterwards

 Epilogue 

Unbeknownst to me, throughout the race, Lazarus composed strange, little updates that he blasted out every loop. Each reads like the beautiful poetry of a sadistic Thoreau. 

if we did this to dogs, they would throw us in jail.

hour 8 just began. 25 runners are praying they can survive 5 more hours and reach the road loops...

here is what they keep saying, as they drop and drop and drop;

if only this was just a 100 miler, and i could take a break. just 5 minutes. that is all i need.

24 runners are alive, out on the trail and the whistles start again in 54 minutes...

laz

   pray for the 18

we had our clean lap. 18 finished hour 11 18 started hour 12...

this is the critical hour. the sun is setting, and it will be dark before they get back.

nobody has more than a minute or two a lap to spare. they cannot slow down. dark or not.

if they finish this hour, there are 12 hours of gravy, before we return to the trail.

pray for the 18. they need it.

laz

  nightmare under the hunters moon

tim dines and gary kaspar. refused to continue.

may god have mercy on your soul.

14 tortured souls started hour 15.

it is one thing to run a 100, and start once. it is another to run a 100, and have to start 24 times...

and you might not even be halfway through.

laz

the final chapter it was the invisible injury that won out. andy's achilles had been gradually deteriorating for many hours. after the two youngsters hammered each other during hour 28, babak pulling away, andy bowed out after the finish (to the dismay of throngs of andy pearson fans) babak is out on the deciding loop....for the first time, he is alone. in somewhere around a half hour, we will know if there is a finisher this year. we already know who it has to be. thanks for listening.

laz

[63824peace]

Wednesday, 19th of october 2005

We often use the figurative expression, "The corporate world is like a war zone." This isn't entirely accurate. We should say, "The corporate world is like a war zone wherein we have no allies." True, the corporate world and a shelled battlefield both experience high levels of tension and stress, yet trust can be difficult to establish among others in the corporate world.

One type of local skirmish always prevails amid the corporate war zone's larger battles: the Battle of Egos. One’s enemies in the Battle of Egos exist not only outside his company, but inside as well. A friend today can become an enemy tomorrow.

Against whom are we really fighting?

The greatest danger in a real battle is Friendly Fire. It occurs when you are shot by your own comrade. Most wartime casualties result from Friendly Fire, as a matter of fact. Most of KojiPro's first-time participants in yesterday's field training were eliminated like this.

The same is true of a company in a corporate war. The shot that you fire to protect yourself may hit your colleague.

Still, more of your fellow colleagues will preoccupy themselves with competition from within the company, rather than the larger corporate war.

This behavior is truly childish; we can't win the global corporation war this way. Victory becomes impossible, and we can't win if we work alone. We need to rely upon war buddies with whom we share a relationship of mutual trust if we want to win.

Friendly Fire is a problem in the game industry too. I love creating games, so I want to do something about it.

At least I have war buddies within Kojima Productions. Relationships of mutual trust cannot grow within organizations through systems and responsibilities alone. People are connected via tamashii . . . via soul. We only fight with a handful of war buddies. We don't fight to make either our company or the game industry into total battle zones. Our first priority ought to be the establishment of war buddy relationships.

I would like to thank Tokyo Phantom and Tokyo Marui for the equipment that we used during yesterday's hands-on field training.

I had a sore throat this morning. I didn't feel much soreness in my muscles, but I felt sluggish and lethargic nonetheless. I wonder if I’ve caught a cold.

I pulled a Yunker Energy Drink out of the fridge and drank it. Now is not the time to get sick.

I walked through the tunnel from Roppongi Station to the Hills during morning rush hour. The posters for the International Film Festival caught my eyes again. I wasn't watching where I walked because I couldn't take my eyes off the posters along the left wall.

I glanced from the poster that advertised Kamen Rider: THE FIRST to the poster for Sympathy for Lady Vengeance. I turned my attention forward when I remembered yesterday's lesson when I ran into all those people. Then I saw others who looked at the posters on the left wall while walking, just as I had.

"I haven't bumped into anyone this time. I wonder why that is."

I considered what the reason behind this might be. The crowd walking from Roppongi Station to the Hills sort of streamlines itself during morning rush hour. It's a one-way current. Only a few people come from the Hills to the station.

Then I understood: no one bumps into anyone else because of the nature of the crowd. I can walk safely while looking at the posters if I conform my movement with the current.

I'll try this every morning. I'll need to exercise caution during my evening walk though. People will come from the station to the Hills then too. I should watch out so I don't bump into them.

I passed by the last of the posters and mounted the escalator. My list of movies that I want to see has grown once again.

I ate fried rice with red hot pork for lunch at the restaurant Fuuton San Raakyo. The lunch menu was mostly seafood. I'm not really a fan of seafood, so I passed.

I noticed a flashy van parked beside the Hills Arena on my way back to the office. It's a mobile shop that sells meals on the street. A mobile shop came by often last year selling melon-shaped bread. This one sold fried breads.

It looks as though there's an event going on for a short time only. The event is called the Umu Village Boardwalk.

"Oh wow! Fried breads . . . how nostalgic!"

I approached as though I had been summoned. I was greeted with a lively "Welcome!" Lunch had already filled me up, but adults should always show their manners.

"What do you recommend?" I asked.

"Let's see . . . Kinako and cocoa are really good."

I saw many containers with different flavored powders inside. I found the can with Kinako. I had a hard time imagining fried bread with Kinako, so I said, "I'll just have one with cocoa."

I made the sensible choice. One fried bread, 100 yen. The seller took fresh fried bread out of the warmer and dipped it into the can containing cocoa.

"Here is your bread!"

I took the fried bread rolled in paper. It was covered with cocoa powder and was piping hot.

"Yikes, this thing is big! Can I eat it all?"

The two people who watched me eat my fried bread remembered their adult manners too. Matsuhanan ordered a Cafe-au-lait and Kenichiro ordered a Kinako. "Our stomachs are full," we said, "but this is really good!" Then we three oldies filled our mouths. So delicious and sweet!

I received the layout of an article for Hyper magazine. I proofread it and asked Murashu and Ryosaku to do the same.

This month's article is about Jaws and will be published in the December issue of Hyper Playstation 2. Jaws' release date is October 30.

An Internet rumor popped up claiming that my serial has ended since I failed to turn in articles two months in a row. No worries though . . . I'll just continue as normal.

We are going to record the narration for the English version of the Existence disc this afternoon. The narration needs to be recorded for the three and a half hours of footage.

We will handle the recording in Studio E-B which is on the same floor as KojiPro. We recorded the Japanese narration here back in September.

Six sound studios are on this floor. Studios A through D are used exclusively by KojiPro. These studios were originally used by the now disbanded Konami Computer Entertainment Japan (KCEJ) WEST studio. We used each studio for a specific task: music composition, foley, sound editing, and mixing.

Studios E-A and E-B were originally used by KCEJ EAST. We used Studio E-A for general recordings, and we used Studio E-B for recording sound effects and voices. WEST and EAST produced their games separately, so the studios were used in different ways. However, today we use these studios more efficiently as a unified sound room.

Both of the Studios from the former EAST division already had a complement, so our work became even more convenient. "E-B" stands for "EAST's Studio B." I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I only learned this today. At least I can conclude that Studio E-A isn't responsible for creating sports games.

I asked Mr. Hideyuki Tanaka to voice the narration in the Japanese version. He voice-acts for Otacon's role. We recorded a wonderful and passionate narration with his talent. I want everyone to listen to it once Existence is completed. It's a must-have for Hideyuki fans.

I asked Jack-san to narrate the English version. Jack-san's narration gave the film images a tincture different from Hideyuki-san's performance. It is marvelous. I'd even like the Japanese audience to listen to the English version.

We had a debriefing session in the evening for yesterday's hostage rescue operation.

I went with Ryosaku to the restaurant Yokaru for dinner. I ordered Chii-sui-men, and Ryosaku ordered Bai-ko-men (which is what I usually order).

I stopped by the bookstore on my way back to the office. A new T. Jefferson Parker book titled California Girl was on sale. Parker also authored the book Silent Joe. I really want to read it. I had it in my hand but I returned it to the New Releases shelf immediately. I ought to read the books I already own. Otherwise I'll simply add more to my surplus.

I hardly ever give up on a book once I start reading it. I'll read to the end once I've become introduced to it, even if the book is dull. I also read all of the books that I buy. People may recommend books to me but I always buy them for myself. I never throw away a book that I have read because books are experiences in themselves. I want to cherish all that I have read.

A book that a person reads has the same substance as a memory. I want to keep all of my books just as I want to keep my memories. My wife becomes irritated with keeping all those books around though.

An introduction to a book is similar to an introduction to a new person. Think about the probability of encountering one book out of the multitude that exists. There must be as many books in the world as there are stars in the universe. We really must be in the grip of some sort of fate.

I want to believe that my intuition guides me into this fate. I want to cherish all of the books to which I have been granted audience.

I haven't been able to read many books since TGS. I feel somewhat unstable. I rarely live without reading something. I haven't dealt with this since I finished up MGS3 last year. I don't have spare time for reading. My commute between home and work becomes the only time available.

But even then I feel tired. I usually forego reading and settle for simply listening to music. It won't be good if I keep on like this. Life without reading a novel is depressing.

I returned to the office. There was an announcement regarding the earthquake that had apparently occurred while we were out eating ramen. I was walking so I didn't notice. My five senses must be dulling.

I swam in the gym at night. I almost cramped while swimming. I wonder . . . could it be an after-effect from yesterday's training? Whatever the reason, I swam awkwardly because of the cramps. I only used my arms toward the end.

I found a mark on my right thigh while I was in the jacuzzi. I knew that I had been hit by a BB from someone's air gun, but I didn't think that it would leave a welt. Come to think of it, Murashu's arm looked like it had broken out with a rash.

I left the gym before midnight. I see more and more pumpkins in the city every day. Even I (who hate vegetables) feel lighter during this time of the year.

[lazytacomoon-blog]

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

"Does geico insurance co have a stock??

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

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What company has the best auto insurance rates for people with speeding tickets?

Car accident and insurance claim?

2 persons came to look my car for buying purpose. 1 of them was standing in front of my car and other just opened the door and turned the ignation on. the car was in gear so jumped up and hit the person standing in front of the car. man got stuck between my car and the other parked in front of my car and broke his leg. police and ambulance came. they took our statement and did not say anything to me but had separate discussionn with the othee person for long time. my question will this effect my by any mean legally? my car did not have insurance but no body drove the car either. i mean I am really scared what gonna happen to me I don't know if I shall keep trying selling my car or wait until hear from police. thanks

Which company has the best renters insurance in terms of service and price?

I'm looking for a renters insurance company that is not expensive and has knowledgeable and cordial employees. Is not eager to deny claims and has an extensive policy. If you found one that covers breakage of your belongings due to accident or use by you, let me know. I'm not so sure if those types of policies exist.""

Can you put two cars on two different insurance companies?

If i have two cars, can i put one on Geico and one on state farm. I'm having very bad experience with State farm and i'm thinking of switching with one car at at time. Is it possible to have the two cars in my household on two different insurance company eventhough both cars are in my name?""

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

How much would insurance cost?

i was looking to get a suzuki GZ250 motorcycle. i am 18 years old, and i have taken a drivers ed course and the motorcycle driving course. i was wondering about how much insurance would be. it has 249 cc""

Temporary Car insurance?

I just got my first car (I'm 17 years old) and I need it to go to school which is a good 80 miles away. On top of that I need to find a job which I couldn't do because I didn't have a car. However I can't drive my car because it doesn't have any insurance on it and the insurance is incredibly expensive. For now I just need it to go job hunting. Is there such thing as a temporary car insurance or maybe a waiver for students or SOMETHING that I can use?

Is insurance expensive on a 2005 Ford Mustang V6 for a 16 year old?

There's a 2005 Ford Mustang V6 for 8995 with 80,000 miles. I have State Farm and I can't really contact them. Is the insurance gonna be to expensive even though it's a V6. The car is bone stock. If it's $150/Monthly or less it's inexpensive to me but if it's over $150 it's out of my budget.""

How auto insurance determine how much your car worth after claim?

I had a 1998 Subaru Forester S sport utility 132,000 miles and it was totaled. I read some places and people say that insurance don't follow the Kelley blue book and some say they do. Others say they go by autotrader.com or nada.com. Why is that? are they trying to trick us by which value is lower? My insurance offered me only $3200 but it know it worth more than that. Vehix.com say it value at 3900 and kelly blue book say about 4300 so which is right?""

Life Insurance help?

I need help in determing how much life insurance I need to take out should something happens to me Facts you may need to know - I have a 1 month old daughter and I want her to be taken care of if something was to happen to me - Her father and I aren't married ~ with that being said is it recommended to leave him some money to provide for her - Also if something happened to me before she is 18 insurance companies I have contact stated that the money would be set in a trust (this is good but like I said I also want to have money available sooner than 18) - Funeral expenses - I am currently am in debt about $4,000 which I am continuously paying down abd I have a car loan $ 18,000 All this being said please help me in determining how much insurance I should take out and how much to leave to her dad and please suggest what other factors I may have left out in determing how much insurance""

How can I get lower car insurance for my old car?

I have a 1999 Hyundai Tiburon and it has 150,000 miles. It's paid for now and I'm paying about $700 6 months full coverage. Is there certain things I should lower the coverage cost?""

How much would the insurance cost?

Im looking at buying either a 2011 shelby GT500 or a 2011 mustang GT. I just want to know how much ill be paying insurance companies for one of these... Im going to be 19 almost 20 by the time I get one of these.

Is $$ 785.00 a year to much for Full-Coverage car Insurance ?

It's A.A.A. Insurance. My Honda car is 10 years old. With just 84,500 miles on it. --------------------------- (Such Low Milage cause I only drive 450 miles to 500 miles per month.)""

Changing motorcycles and insurance question?

Long story short I have got a new bike. The bike I am Insured on has about 2 months left before I gather another year no claims. However, I was wondering would/do Insurance companies offer a way for me to transfer the next/last 2 months to my new bike (At a possible cost) then charge me a full year when its due (In 2 months) Any help will be appreciated. I don't want to phone my insurance up cause every time I phone someone like that and tell them I have a new bike I want to insure they go crazy and keep phoning me! I have 1 years NCB and i'll be 18 in 2 months (when I will get 2 year NCB) Cheers Geoff""

Best cheap auto insurance?

So i'm getting ready to buy my first car on a budget of $1,200, so i want to go as cheap as possible.All i want is liability insurance,basically the bare minimum of what the law will alow me to carry.I am 20 yrs old,just now getting my license,been driving with a learner's permit for the last 2 1/2 yrs. In that time i had one violation,it was a ticket for driving with a broken headlight.I am female,btw.So anyways,what'sa good cut rate insurance company?""

Insurance companies for a 18 year old new driver?

Ive just recently passed and im in need of a insurance company good for me. Money is tight as im a student and so i need something cheap. Ive been on money supermarket and its hasn't helped much.

What happens if you don't pay your car insurance?

how important is it every month to pay your car insurance? what could happen if you don't

Where can i get health insurance to cover accutane in nyc?

where can i get health insurance to cover accutane in nyc?

What would be insurance on this car?

I want to get this car http://autos.yahoo.com/used-cars/porsche-boxster-cars9383421;_ylt=AuxeS5bbXvapuk4oZXlD95JbVI54;_ylv=3?sortcol=absoluterank&sortdir=down&listingtype=used&model=&make=porsche&distance=any The price is great, but how mh would te insurance be? For a 16 year old""

Ticket for no insurance?Car insured but Name not on it?

i got stopped for speeding no licence and no insurance in Texas. can i show proof of insurance without my name and get it dismissed?

Auto Insurance for 18 Years Old.. HELP?

I am asian, male I just turned 18 yesterday, and got my car too.. It's 2005 Nissan 350z Enthusiast, Yellow. I'm just wondering, how much does insurance cost for 18 y.o that drives sports car? I checked with geico, progressive, 21st, and allstate, and they give me a pretty expensive premium.. Just wondering about you guys.. How much do you pay for auto insurance?""

How much would insurance for a Lamborghini cost?

I'm most curious about the Sesto Elemento which I believe is being ordered for $900,000. Also license plates if anyone knows how much those would cost. I'm just curious, I'm mot rich.""

I wrecked my motorcycle with no insurance in fl help?

So a year ago i wrecked my motorcycle, crashing into another car. I did not have insurance or a motorcycle Endorsement. I live in fl so im kind of familiar with the not at fault law. However the insurance company from the other party has sent a bill for 9k an request i pay it. Some people are telling me to ignore it an others are telling me to pay. Need help would be thankful. Im trying to be a firefighter paramedic an i do not want this to kill my chances. Thank you""

How much will a insurance be for a student in Alberta?

Hi, I'm turning 16 in September and is planning to get my licence right away. I haven't bough a vehicle yet, however, I'm planning to buy a car with a price range of 1000-2000 for used car. I didn't take any drivers training, I live in Alberta and I'm also a male. Around How much will my insurance be per month?""

What is the average cost for insurance for a 16 yr old?

i just got my license like 2 weeks ago and im wondering about how much would it cost for insurance also i live in San Leandro CA if needed if car/s needed: honda pilot 2008 honda accord lx 2001 i didn't want to check quotes online cause i'd need my address and i don't really wanna put all that info

What health care insurance I can get that is affordable?

I need health insurance. And I can't afford it with my pay checks. I work part time. I have research over and over for health insurance. And nothing that I can afford comes up. So please help.

People who cant afford health insurance are quacks?

i see the merits of having universal health care, kind of, but it seems to me that the problem is a lot of middle class citizens who just decide nto to purchase health insurance on the premise that they cannot afford it , and instead opt to buy material goods that are solely for luxury. you cant go out and buy nice cars and houses and bypass health insurance and then cry it off that the government should give free care to everryone.......i definitely agree it should be cheaper for the poor etc. bottom line: ppl need to realize health is the most important thing in there life, and satisfy that need, before thinking about personal possesions (nice cars etc)""

Motorcycle insurance for someone under 25?

I'm in the army, and after I get done with basic I would like to buy a motorcycle where ever I am stationed. If I paid cash for the bike, have my motorcycle license, no traffic tickets, I'll be 18, and a male.. how much can I assume to spend on motorcycle insurance? Its a 250cc sports bike I'm interested in, I used to have one but It got stolen. I want the cheapest policy there is...""

Why is my car insurance the same price?

My car insurance is due up next month and I have been shopping around. I've used all the compare sites like go compare and money supermarket and I m basically the exact same price as I was last year. For the same car. I've been driving 8 years nd have 6 years no claims. I'm 25 and female. Every year it used to go down but now I'm being quotes the same and sometimes more?!

Do you need car insurance for this?

I want to get my car the 2014 sticker but I currently don't have insurance because I've been jobless & I just started working. I payed for the license plates on June . & I just wanted to know if not having insurance was gonna be an issue

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

How much would auto insurance be for an 18 year old female?

ok I have good grades (straigh A's) I will be driving around 2,500 miles 5 days a week I will be able to drive a 2001 chevy tahoe, 2004 honda civic and 95 toyota camry main car is 95 toyota camry though i live in san bernardino what would be the average amount for insurance? where can i go to get cheap liability insurance?""

Why do so few people understand the Affordable Care Act?

Fact: You will be required beginning January 1st to pay upwards of $200 per month or more per individual if you do not presently have health insurance. The average estimated cost to you as an individual has been estimated to be $328 per month. This applies to all citizens of the United States. If you do not pay for health insurance, you will be fined $95 for the first year and subsequent years this fine will go up by hundreds of dollars per year. For those of you who think this is some kind of left-wing fact - Read A Newspaper. To me, $200 to $300 or more is a car payment or to put it another way - 2 weeks of groceries. How will you be able to afford this?""

I borrowed my parents car. am i covered under their insurance?

they forgot to put their insurance card in the glovebox so i got a ticket for no proof of insurance. The ticket will be dropped if i bring in proof of insurance. will it work to just bring in their insurance card? i do not drive their car very often. We live two hours apart

Will my permit increase my parent's insurance rate? I'm not going to drive their car.?

If I get my learner's permit and I don't plan on driving my parent's car until I get my license, will my parent's insurance rate go up? I'm going to drive a driving school's car.""

Insurance on small cars example punto ?

hey everyone iv just passed my theory test today and i want to buy a punto for my fist car i need advice on de price off tax and insurance like for example i would probably purchase any punto from 1997 -2001 and im 19 does anyone av any advice for me cause i don wanna be ripped off thanks for readin you guys xxxxxxxxxxx

Car accident/insurance question!?

Is there some sort of law that claims if your car is in an accident the dealership will pay for the rest of the remaining balance on your car? That way the insurance company gives you the money to buy a new one. My friend was telling me something about this but I don't really remember what it was called, or even if that was what she was trying to explain. Thank you!""

How much would car insurance be under my dad's policy? Or by itself under my name?

I'll be 21 in September and I'm getting a car really soon. I just have no clue how much the premium is going to cost me. I'm getting an older car. 100,000+ miles. So my question is, if I insure my car under my dad's policy and put it as one of those cars that is occasionally/rarely used , how much would a premium cost? If I decided to not join my dad's insurance and just get my own, how much would it cost? I'm not looking for sure good insurance because I'm a very safe driver- but I'm also not looking for crappy shady insurance either. Thanks!""

Cheap car insurance for a teenager .?

I WILL BE GETTING MY LEARNERS PERMIT SOON... GOT DRIVERS ED AND WILL BE GETTING BEHIND THE WHEEL TRAINING.AND LOOKG FORWARD TO DRIVING A 2008 SCION TC ..ABOUT HOW MUCH WILL INSURANCE BE A MONTH... ANY STUDENT DISCOUNTS I CAN GET...?? ..OH YEAH IF IT HELPS ..I LIVE IN CALIFORNIA

Bike insurance vs car insurance?

im 18 years old currently going after my A2 restricted licence and drivers licence, what i dont get is why a 27 year old 1.6L car will cost me 5,500 a year to insure while a 1.6L cruiser bike will only cost me 512 a year

Can my daughter be on my mom's car insurance even if they don't live together?

Hi, my name is Kathy, I'm 19 year old female and want to buy a car but car insurance is just expensive. I want to be put on my grandmothers car insurance but we don't live in the same city. Do you think it would be possible for me to get on there! Thanks for your answers...""

How much should my car insurance cost?

In a few months ill be getting my license and a car. I live in Massachusetts. I'm not exactly sure what I am getting for a car, but I may end up getting a Honda accord that is around 12 years old and has a lot of mileage (200k+). Pretty much, I'm starting to look into the cheapest possible car insurance because: i don't have much money to spend and even if I did have a low deductible, it would be very close to the full value of the car which in that case I would just get junk it. What should I look for to make my cost as low as possible and how cheap could I potentially get it for? Thanks.""

Am I covered with name not on car insurance?

I am very worried. I feel bad enough about getting into an accident, but now I find out that I can be in very big financial trouble. I am 17, I recieved my license 8 days ago, and I ...show more""

Car insurance?

im 16 years old own a 2007 lexus gs and never got a ticket how much will my car insurance be? (im not expecting a definate answer, just a guess)""

Roughly how much would it cost to replace a quarter panel on my 95 camaro?

Please price with and without premium insurance. also it is dented from a hit and run so will my insurance rates rise?

Questions about car insurance?

If I get a Mustang 2011 (300 Hp V6) next year, my aunt who is a senior citizen and she has a clean record report, will be the owner of the car. I'm 18 though, how much is the cost for insurance in a year going to be?? Just estimation is fine.""

Im 21 and a new driver how much would my car insurance cost on a honda civic type r 02 reg?

Im 21 and a new driver how much would my car insurance cost on a honda civic type r 02 reg?

Do you have to pay motorcycle insurance all year round?

or just during the summer?

Is there any insurance available for getting braces?

Is orthodontic dental insurance legit? How about medicare, will that cover it???""

After getting a speeding ticket how much does your insurance increase on average?

After getting a speeding ticket how much does your insurance increase on average?

""How can i get affordable health insurance, with a low income?""

I work part time,i am physically disabled ,my husb is unemployable,rejected from disability, i have very bad health condition and need health insurance to continue dr.care....How can i get affordable health insurance that won't cost me a fortune? I have gone to the DPA and i was rejected by them. I suffer with depression/(diagnosed bi-polar) ,,disc disease,IBS....i must obtain medical Insurance to continue treatment in order to continue working...how can i get help?""

Cheapest car insurance for tri state area?

i heard cure is the cheapest car insurance? you guys know any other cheap car insurances?

Insurance companies that will insure a Cat C motorcycle?

I got an online quote for my insurance broker, they took the reg and all was fine until i phoned up and they said they dont insure total loss vehicles.. so now im looking to find a place that will. Otherwise i will be looking for a frame n logbook from another bike lol""

What are the insurance rates on a chevy S10?

it is a 2-door, v6, 2WD, extended cab truck, no mods, just stock""

So is the car insured or the person? can i deliver pizzas on someone elses insurance/car ?

hi i have been given a good opportunity to start working and a great friend willing to lend me their vechicle to deliver pizzas, reall good friend. the car is insured and i live with friend if that makes a difference anyone know for sure ? Do we got to let the insurance company know or what ??""

Does anyone know of a health insurance company that will insure me even though I am pregant?

My husband and I make a little over the income requirements for medicaid in our state(SC), we also own two cars so our chances of getting medicaid is very slim. I was just wondering if anyone knew of a health insurance plan that will take on a policy for me even though I am pregnant....we were in the process of looking for health coverage, but ended up getting pregnant in the mean time...thanks for your help...please serious and honest answer only...we are in the state of south carolina. thanks""

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

Does geico insurance co have a stock??

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/fresno-california-cheap-car-insurance-quotes-zip-93786-jean-davis/"