#THEY DONT NEED MY BS BRAIN MAKING IT WORSE

[the-s-exy-squad]

That goofy little moment when you hear a song and the lyrics spiral into a very sad and heartbreaking au of AFTG and when your brain was done, you started actually crying.

But like what if Andrew never got sent to Easthaven to detox?

He would still be in that stupid induced mania and in a “silly goofy mood” and think the whole thing is funny or at the very least it seem that way to other people, and he’d start pushing literally everyone away even Renee.

What if Aaron saw Andrew’s happy go lucky attitude and deep down he knows it’s the meds but it doesn’t stop him from wondering if it is JUST the meds or if he actually finds the situation funny, and he felt so bad and guilty about it that he started doing drugs again? Andrew gets mad at him over the drugs but bc the mania he isn’t seen *as mad* and looks like he’s just taunting Aaron over actually killing a man and doing drugs again.

Nicky sees the both of them spiral and that pushes his guilt induced depressive episode even farther and he starts wondering about how none of this would have happened if he stayed in the closet and on good terms with his parents . He stops calling Erik as frequently claiming to be tired and exhausted from practice and school but that was only partial truth.

Neil Sees Andrew breaking down over it bc he sees things about Andrew that others don’t and he doesn’t know why (bc demisexuality and yk the “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t blow you” hasnt/might not even actually happen.) but his heart is shattering at it. His reason for staying wasn’t just the Exy and the only other reason was falling apart and through his fingers and he didn’t know how to help. He’d start to heavily debate running again and gets so so close to doing so if he didn’t actually do it.

Allison sees Aaron’s addiction again and how Andrew seemingly doesn’t care and is seeming to be urging him on and after Seth really triggers her.

Renee is trying to be supportive of Andrew but can’t figure out a way to get through to him without pushing him too far bc the meds. She starts to feel like despite everything Andrew still doesn’t care about how much she cares.

Kevin sees all the chaos and knows that Riko won. He got exactly what he intended by paying off Drake to be at the Hemmicks’ house that night and having him demand the Hemmicks’ ensure the twins are there. He starts drinking more and stops caring about exy bc his life is over. If not literally, at least in that regard, which to him is the equivalent.

Matt seeing Aaron start using again gave an influx on the urges of restarting which made him pull away from the team. He’d go to class and practices but lock himself in his room otherwise to try and minimize that urge and if his roommate was there he’d go sit in the lounge at the court.

Dan was with him throughout it and refused to let him pull away from her but she started to realize that the shit with the ravens was too much and there was no way they could beat them. She starts questioning her self worth and starts thinking abt all the misogynistic things she’s heard.

[mazzystar24]

…… i can’t wait until these people are gone

This is in fact the ask that the draft didn’t save for so if my answer is worse than the original I will cry

My eye is legit twitching

So we all know this is bs but let’s go through point by point for why this is bs

“Eddie hasn’t done anything like that for him” (dropped everything and helped him) - this is honestly down to how they act with their emotions, Eddie bottles things until they turn into an emergency drop everything and deal with it situation but buck will have ongoing issues that he’ll need help with and he’ll seek it as it happens (e.g his parents or his injuries etc) and when he does Eddie IS there and shows up for him and helps him but we haven’t had him be in sort of a drop everything scenario (except the Buckley family dinner scene and we don’t know where he went after but the scene we see after that is buck talking to who? Eddie)

“Constantly makes jokes about bucks trauma” - as someone with ptsd and my own fair share of trauma and with traumatised friends I feel like once a certain level of rapport is reached you can joke with eachother about traumas 1. They both do it (e.g bucks “didn’t you just have one of those?”) 2. It’s never in emotional or vulnerable moments 3. It never crosses a line 4. Bold criticism considering Tommy made a daddy kink joke and a comment abt how bucks dad is still alive when buck was opening up abt why Bobby matters sm to him 5. It’s received and delivered well 6. It’s not actually constantly it’s a handful at most and the most outright one is abt the tsunami and that was HIS trauma too dont y’all forget my dude thought his son was dead for a hot minute

Told his team buck needed to get over being crushed by a fire truck- in that scene the writers did everything but flat out say he was projecting, when he’s talking abt bottling things up and his dads advice and all that stuff and the audience KNOWS that he’s just been through a bunch of traumas that he’s bottling up and “getting over” for the sake of Chris, they’re basically flat out telling you he’s projecting, now the minute that hen and bobby point out that buck feels alone what does Eddie do? He drags him out of bed and attempts to motivate him launching “operation buck up buck” in chimneys words, now mind the fact that he doesn’t do this for himself or give himself the same kindness because he genuinely believes you deal with things by ignoring them (reminder this is untherapised Eddie two eps away from fight club) but despite believing that he knows it’s what buck needs so he does it for him

He’s never once apologised for buck and made buck apologise to him- I’m assuming this is abt lawsuit era, I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again no one in the lawsuit era was perfect that’s the whole point, either they’re all in the wrong or they’re all excused because they all had their reasons, Bobby kept buck behind and lied but he was scared to lose him, Buck sued and didn’t tell anyone and went no contact and shared personal shit but he’s just been through a bunch of trauma and his father figure and the man who was by his side the whole time through rehab basically said it isn’t good enough (in bucks brain) and that all that work still means he can’t get back to doing his life’s purpose, Eddie has had hit after hit trauma after trauma with no time to breathe in between AND THEN HIS BEST FRIEND GOES NO CONTACT BECAUSE OF WHAT BOBBY DID AND HE SUES BOBBY AND THE DEPARTMENT WITHOUT TALKING IT OUT WITH ANYONE AND SHARES PERSONAL INFO THAT HIS LAWYER THROWS IN HIS FACE, and while dealing with all the aforementioned trauma Eddie has to deal with Chris’ trauma and Chris missing buck and Eddie not being able to do anything abt it, so yeah honestly he WAS owed an apology (but again imo all sides have justification) and it’s not like he was a dick to buck for an extended period of time, he lasted one shift being bitchy and giving silent treatment and then buck had one emotional talk with puppy eyes and an apology and Eddie instantly was like ofc I forgive you🙄just don’t do it again☝️🤨 and again bold criticism when buck apologised to Tommy for what? Not being ready to come out to his friend in public after exactly one queer kiss and mid first queer date?? And then got ditched on the side of the road by Tommy???

He never once acted like a good friend outside of the will and the hospitals- “you don’t have to be anything for anyone, no one is the same from one day to the next and things like this change us so what changed in you?” “Did you say anything that wasn’t true? Well look maybe you could’ve come at it a little differently but if that’s how you feel, how they made you feel you have every right to say so” “that’s not your fault”“I had to do it- I know you did” “and what you think you failed? I failed that kid more times than I care to count and I’m his father but I love him enough to keep trying and I know that you do too” “there is no one in this world I trust with my son more than you”“you saved him, that’s how he remembers it and now its his turn to do the same to you” “now am I allowed to ask how you are?” “ you died buck you’re gonna feel a lot of different ways about that…I found the best way is to let yourself feel it” - and that’s not even all of them just a few favourites but my thumbs are sore

Eddie has left buck out from so many things and never realised it was wrong- 7x04 is literally the only time we’ve seen that and remember Tim said the whole episode is bucks perspective and I said this before the ep even aired in this ask but it’s still true that for Eddie I think he just genuinely is so secure in their friendship that he didn’t think buck would be insecure abt it and when he does he is actually the one who puts it together and sends Tommy to buck - I go a little more in depth in this post that turned out to be a draft that I freed from my drafts just for this ask also what did we see him exclude buck from? Basketball that he doesn’t like and that he’s asked him to join in multiple times? Watching a fight that he had no previous interest in? Muay Thai that he doesn’t know how to do and again showed no previous interest in? Like when buck and Eddie are close y’all say they’re codependent and unhealthy and when Eddie has other friends y’all say he’s a bad friend?

Tommy was the one who apologised to him - at EDDIES URGING BECAUSE BRO WAS LAID UP AFTER BUCK SPRAINED HIS ANKLE???😭😭

“Tommy has been doing all the things Eddie hasn’t” - youre so right actually like putting a damper on bucks mood or having a racist past or having like 10 lines and the majority of them being sardonic and kinda insensitive, making an emotional moment into a sexual one and having like 5 minutes of screentime 🤩🎀

Wow babe I have a degree in yappology and a minor in ranting for real sorry for the long response 😭😭😭

[toyfii]

stupid rant, not really serious its just youtube

i really dont like cursing but um what the fuck happened to yt. like. when you search stuff up, yt spits at you so many irrelevant videos "you also watched this" YEAH BUT I DIDNT SEARCH THAT UP DID I?? its so stupid and this change happened years ago or smth i dont even remember. and this is small but they changed how you switch the video quality too like it used to be so simple click on 144 or 240 or 480 and done. but now theres like "advanced" or some other BS like why is it so complicated to change the video quality... and now i just got on youtuve and why are all the videos so small. and the titles dont even fit. most of the titles have like the ... (the three dots) bc theyre too long. but the titles arent long they're literally like one sentence long. so basically its like half thumbnail half cut-off-title-that-i-wish-i-could-read-for-petes-sake. and the stupid shorts are massive. like what the fuck does yt want why doesit keep trying to brainwash me and rot my brain so damn hard like.. i dont want to fall for the manipulation anymore. like ik how yt and other social media are SUPER invasive and manipulative where they design the apps so you get addicted. with like recommended content, algorithms, autoplay etc etc. and then there were the shorts. and the fucked up searches that give you useless results. and now they make videos look smaller. is it bc of the US tiktok ban?? like yt is gearing up to try and be the next tiktok or smth. its so fucking stupid i dont want my brain to be rotted any more i dont want to have a horrible attention span anf be coerced into doomscrolling and hyperfixating on mindless continuous videos. i just want to search up music and the people i like watching..

and yeag ik this is kinda hypocritical bec i get fixated on tumblr and scroll a lot too. but idk YouTube has changed so much since i was a kid. and it got worse. and this new change, making videos so small and shorts so big. it made me so upset. and actually it's not really bc of the shorts. its bc the video titles keep getting cut off. so basically, now, YouTubers need to have 3 word titles. make clickbajt slop with sexy titles in all caps. no more thinking, just stimulate yourself with endless videos while you watch more ads, make YT more money, and let them collect and sell your data! and also yeah ik basically every website and app collects and sells data.

[poetrypage-for-anewage]

UGHHHH

...

I freakin wrote all this stupid beautiful shit for her, POURED all of myself into it, dedicated time to communicate in the most artistic, well thought out, non negative or aggressive way possible, and she fucking ignored and avoided it.

So I waited for a good moment and we video chatted all normal and happy, and then she talked to me about all the guys messaging her because she just joined fb dating when she already has guys from every social media possible blowing her up. Like she doesn't already hangout with enough of them?!

Freshly single and free from your x, and not a nice one, so I get it, I understand.

But fuck.

Do you really not have any emotions left or do you just really not care?

You want me to be here, but you just constantly say things to me that would've killed you a couple years ago.

Have you changed that much?

People break, but broken things can be put back together and be more beautiful then before..

But,..

You just seem like you genuinely don't care to cause pain.

You must be numb,..

Or just ignorant oblivious of common shit from those types of things happening to you.

Or worse, you honestly don't care...

This was supposed to be short.

As tiny as you.

The veil must come down

This beautiful image of you.

My eyes probably deceive me

Or my mind lies about what the signs mean.

This abundant knowledge of life and sociology,

Im walking around blind,

Like my brain is hiding it from me.

My heart has convinced it,

"This needs to be done!"

"We fucking love that girl, plus you guys always have fun!"

"Me and the brain, on this we agree

All of us grew, and made

the best memories.

It's already been done 3 times,

Shit you might as well try 4.

What's the fuckin difference,

We're pretty good at

Scraping you off the floor."

But

I need to see past,

these drunk goggles,

They're clearly irash..

But

Irrational isn't usually who I am,

I'm a confident man.

Social skills with understanding

Like the snap of a hand.

Quick fast and completely,

I can always read a room.

There is no social situation,

I can't rationally take in hand.

But when it involves you,

I might have to ask,

But you give me every clue.

I don't want to believe,

These bad

thoughts about you

We Choose to see good

Our brain literally ignores the bad.

But if it told you all the bs information,

You wouldn't be glad, because all of that information

is too much to have.

Just think about the good, and ignore the bad

This IS what life is, so why are you mad?

Come on BRO, just act like a Chad,

fuck bitches no heart, you'll never be sad.

What's there to lose? Somebody,

to your heart, who

always hits snooze?

At least

you won't get in these moods,

it's depressing, these broods.

Your literally fucking up Other connections,

and making THEM sad.

Stop passing the negativity,

It's not a beer your not a Chad.

So

Pick yourself

the fuck up

It's a beautiful day,

your friends will be glad.

You

WILL feel

Better, you know

It will be rad.

Loving

Is made by happiness

Stop

focusing on the one

Who

makes you constantly Sad.

Other

People want to appreciate

The

Internal beauty you have.

Leave

The dark depressing room

So

Give yourself to life

Go

With the current, silly

Must

You go against life?

You

Must have really gone

Mad

Come into the light

Go

Find somebody who's right

Dont

Give up on yourself

Hollis,

Future starts right now.

[baekuras]

Mad about capitalism again because imagine you could have up to a century to do what you enjoy but nope, most of that time you have to spend working just to survive and then you are too tired to do what you enjoy and then your body is slowing down and when you finally can’t work anymore and they leave you be your body is too broken to even do what you have wanted for decades and all you can do is sit and wait to die with what little time you have left after bending over backwards just to get enough money to grab whatever leftovers are in the store or whatever

[urboymutual]

hi, a veteran of parental deterfifying process. rule number one is that you've got to be patient - and not in a way that you've got to put up with your mom's bs, but in a way that you've got to brace yourself for something that might take a while. small steps are good here, as well as systematic exposure. don't flood with information - sneak it in, then sneak it in more often. don't give up. you deserve to be understood. good luck & stay safe

hi anon thanks for actually like . replying to the point of the original post 😭💗

um im gonna explain my situation more under the read more because it may be triggering tw transphobia tw csa mention tw suicide mention

so ive been out since i was 14 years old so its been about 6 years i wanna say. but lord knows ive been patient 😭😭 i think in the beginning it was kinda a battle we would constantly argue but i never really felt like. she would get to be this bad? like its like her brain is rotting by t/rf and anti trans rhetoric

like when i came out i was already in therapy and all the therapist i went to diagnosed me with gender dysphoria 😭 like every single one and she still couldnt believe it and i guess she was in the denial stage and what shes doing now is anger?

idk both my parents have the belief im doing it to make my mom made because i was a rebellious child and shit. but like it was really ur typical religious bigotry and i think thats why it hurts now :/

like ive begged her to go to pflag to talk to other parents of trans people i begged her to talk to trans people besides me ive begged her to listen to my point of view so many times but now shes like a full on t/rf conspiracy theorist

she claims theres a trans agenda, that doctors have initiative to "turn people trans" for money, that "sickos" took transgender out of the dsm because "men have a sick fetish for humiliating other men and making them into women" like this is full on like ur crazy trumper uncle who doesnt believe in vaccines type shit. and when i offer her scientific research its considered "bias" and everything i try to show her is bias.

but its worse because she now sends me videos in my fucking email of "feminist" lawyers talking about how we are "losing women" to the "transgender agenda" and how "men are trying to be women to hurt women" like ur typical t/rf bullshit and its like a mixed fucked up concoction of anti science t/rf christian ideology and it hurts so much 🫠 (she also sends me de transitioning videos that neither here nor there but cis people who claimed to be trans and now are de transitioning and are transphobic as fuck can die by my blade)

but its like . she is serious brainwashed and i think it might be this new church shes going to thats making her even worse and im like. i literally cried myself to sleep last night because like i just want her to love me and she yells at me on the phone saying im butchering my body and like she also says i need more therapy (i go to therapy every month) bc i "was molested as a kid so now i think im trans" and that i "just need to love my body" and it hurts because like. shes literally hitting every single transphobic point and wont listen to me ever

i try listening to her now to understand and to try to see where she is coming from but its ruining my mental health a lot like getting top surgery is the only thing keeping me from suicide to be blunt :/ and now i might not even have that because she's threatening to cut me off and i live in expensive ass california and am in college 😭 like i do not know how to keep going

im just a child on the inside begging for my moms love and shes so brainwashed and it hurts. but yeah i guess shes "so based" when she also threatens me on the phone. idk t/rf much rather see a dead trans kid than care abt women

anyways sorry this is so long it kinda became a vent which was like half the original point of my post in the first place 😭😭 ur advice is good anon but i dont know how much i can keep hanging on 🫠🫠

[kendrixtermina]

I’ve finally gotten around to looking at WTF Psychsophy/Attitudinal Psyche is

First: Does anyone know where to get books on it? I couldn’t find  Afanasyev ‘s original one on amazon. It might never have been translated from russian.

At first glance it might seem like the Jungian Systems like mbti and socionics since there’s 4 ‘slots’ and 4 qualities two of which roughly map to what’s coloquially known as “emotion”

(Indeed some ppl have tried to conflate it since the sonionists generally think they have a theory of everything, & extended all that stupid intertype relations BS to it which I find worthless even in socionics proper)

P only distinctly resembles Sensing and V is something completely different entirely. 

Though I think will is overrated. I seldom agree with the church but I think there’s something to the catholic model of the psyche as made up of spirit/thoughts, soul/feelings and will, & that it is not the same as instinct/senses or intuition (though of course the catholics would forget instinct since the appetites are “of the world” etc.)

Maybe you could even extent the system by adding intuition as a 5th aspect... As it is I think ‘associative thinking’ is folded into Emotion in this system. 

there are 24 or on some accounts 25 types but also a pretty easy method to determine it:  is no complicated induced structure like with mbti, you just take the 4 aspects  & put them in order of prominence or importance

The 24 types are the (a 25th one where all the aspects are equally valued or in 2th position - which they say would be something like a Yogi or a Zen Master) Essence Type/ 12gram has the Solar Type as a person who values mind, body & heart equally (but has a bias towards the positive)

There’s 4 Aspects - Logic, Emotion,  Will, & Physics/body. 

They also show up very differently depending where you rank them, it seems very different actually from the mbti functions where it’s kinda just the same thing but better or worse. 

In the 1st position it’s something you’re picky & confident about whereas in the second you’d be very open-minded with it & use it to connect to others; The 3rd is something you get very worked up/emotional about but might have complexes/insecurities with and the 4th is something you dont care for unless its for a clear purpose- 

A simple ordering according to preference (without bothering with the slots) the colloquial meanings (I couldn’t find any source that crisply defined them anyways) gives me LWEP. 

I also took an online test - I notice that a lot of questions are phrased like “How often do you think about...” which makes me wonder how it’s meant. I sure THINK a lot about obligations for example - but because they stress me, not because I am good at fulfilling them.

The test gave me  LEPW. 

I read up the descriptions of both, and insofar as I can tell from those it’s definitely NOT LEPW. Exhibit A: 

“Money takes an important part in your life. You try to be handsome and well-groomed in front of people” 

Haha no im a trashfire hermit

“You are a person who is able to distinguish 50 shades of smile, sight or other sorts of emotions. Lying is easy to reveal for you, this is why it's difficult to deceive or manipulate you. You are able to support who needs it. You appreciate deep, kind and truly honest people, and you hate "blind" emotionally people. It's easy to you to be the soul of any team. “

ffff I avoid group work whenever possible, I’ve fallen for my share of scams/dupes, I tell everyone I get involved with to “please be direct with me I cant pick up indirect shit” & I actually loathe people who judge others for not being exptressive in a conventional way. my holy trinity of Waifus all kinda fit in that category

“You are a soft and tolerate person. You are able to forgive people if they repent, even after serious mistakes. 

Absolutely not. if you’re out you’re out & im never speaking to you again

Which leaves LWEP

What’s LWEP supposed to be like?

1L

You have a strong inner passion to logical analysis. Your brain is constantly analyzing, rating, trying to find the truth out. And it relates to every part of life. Inside of you there is a big immutable picture of the words, which is constantly being improved by your experience. You like smart people, but usually you don't aim to share your experience with others. You prefer to provide ready logical results instead of thinking process. You don't like empty talks. You don't talk very much with people around, but you always talk clear.

2W

You are a soft and flexible person, people around appreciate you for that. You value respect and justice very much. In many cases it's difficult to say "no" for you, but not cause of weakness, but cause of the sense of respect towards people. You are capable to find a mutual and reciprocal solution in any situation. You are always polite with people. You defend people towards whom an injustice takes place. You are inclined to negotiate same many times in order to manage the situation and to clarify details. You are always interested in opinions of others and never ignore anyone.

3E

You are an emotional person very much, you are sensitive and vulnerable. It makes you try to be closed from people around. You don't have many people whom you trust. Towards emotions you value attentiveness, sense of tact, deepness and sincerity. You are able to notice emotional lie and selfishness immediately - it pushes you away. You understand animals well, they like you. Other people find you as a person who is always ready to listen to, to understand, to yield sensibly.

4P

You are the person for whom mental are more important than material. Of course, material things are not an empty place in your life, but you used to consider it as a way of self-realization. You don't value material things much, you don't affect to them, their value is how much profit they can provide. You are not pedantic towards the order of things, the same is about your health. As for comfort, you are unpretentious.

That’s actually remarkably spot on, especially in the capturing of not stereotypically associated traits. 

I wouldn’t say I’m “soft” or “can’t say no” but I’m definitely very open-minded (or at least try to be) & interested in people with different opinions

I guess I’m also starting to reach an age where environmental influences start to predominate - my 16 year old self would have agreed a lot more to most of this, if partly out of youthful overconfidence. Or less trauma. 

“W” is sort of associated with organization etc which I am very bad at, but I know that as a kid I was more often described as “tough” or “strong willed”. 

But that would have been before a good chunk of the traumatic incidents. 

Except for the part with the animals. I don’t hate animals in any way but I also really do not connect with them very much & im a little afraid of them. Though I’d attribute this to not having any pets in our household as I was growing up.

if anyone has further reading i would like me some

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 36

time travel arccccccccccccc yessssssssss

I have been waiting SO LONG to reread this arc hhhhh yessss

starting off strong with the sexy roller cover. nice

I love the disconnect of ‘orion pax: outlaw’ compared to the last time we saw him in shadowplay where he was orion pax: supercop

he’s still punching people for JUSTICE or whatever so I guess not much has changed

oh my god this is the issue with the many many two-page spreads...the first time I read this issue I didn't realize that was a thing and GOD I was SO fucking confused. there's already a lot going on in this issue/arc but this made things so much worse hvbhjkdfbsk. I powered thru and still managed to understand most of the arc despite reading half this issue out of order (essentially) bc the website I read it on split the pages up and I couldn't tell they were supposed to be doubled (and also I'm dumb so I didn't figure it out)

anyways, the actual issue...windcharger is out here using his powers to rip a dudes arms clean off. wow!

and there's skids getting punched in the face. Ls

and glitch! a totally minor character of course...

MANNNNN I SO adore the panel of all the lost lighters appearing in a cloud of purple smoke, all posing epically....SO fucking good, peak sci-fi coolness vibes, A++

as usual jro killing it w/the titles, ‘elegant chaos’ is such a great name for a time travel arc

also reading the tfwiki has shown me that many of jros titles are song or album titles, to which I say - that's epic and I love it. with jro doing it, I feel like it straddles the line between referencing music and the very fanfic-esque ‘title things after music’ vibe. I love it

oh god I forgot they use bs cybertronian time units in this sometimes lmao...I mean of course they do but still like, what the fuck is a cycle. is that a day. I feel like these words all have no meaning/the meanings change drastically depending on continuity. I cant keep up and also I'm lazy and don't care enough to try

I love rodimus did u know

poor riptide looks so confused lmao

IS....IS REWIND PIGGYBACKING TAILGATE...THATS SO FUCKING CUTE....I cant fully tell bc of the page layout but ooomg so precious. minibot buddies

whirl saying ‘chuff’ just reminded me how british jro is hvbhakjhdsfbs sometimes it just Jumps Out in mtmte and I'm like Oh God Britain Is Real

I really like the mtmte approach to time travel and paradoxes and whatnot. its just complex enough to be interesting but not too convoluted that it bogs down the story. perfect sci-fi fun!

mannnn chromedome talking abt brainstorm :( I'm sad abt those two hhhhh

and I love how at this point, nobody in the cast ACTUALLY knows brainstorm well enough to know what he’s really doing - including chromedome, who’s ostensibly his closest friend, somebody he’s known for a while - and even the readers don't really know what he’s up to...I like the mystery tbh

cant believe rewind wrote orion pax’s biography, omg. completely forgot abt that detail

cd saying ‘I love it when he talks history’ about rewind....hhhh I love cdrw so muuuuch

godddd the line rodimus says abt whirl - how they need people like whirl around who are ‘happy to get in the way’ of danger and death - that shit haunts me man like...rodimus is basically saying that he’s bringing whirl along to potentially die in place of someone like orion pax (nevermind the fact that whirl dying would ALSO fuck up the timeline)...like, how deep does it go?? is he saying that bc he knows whirl has been trying to get himself killed for a while now, or just bc whirl likes violence? mannn I cant...the character intricacies...man

anyways...I love rodimus he’s such an interesting character. you have that fucked up moment and then in the next panel he’s saying ‘if you want to call it a time phone, I wont stop you’ about the quantum walkie-talkie. he has the RANGE

oh and then rodimus casually volunteering chromedome to do mnemosurgery on anyone who might accidentally find out about them time traveling, which is again fucked up on multiple levels. the raaaaange

vjaksbhdhfusajbfdjk that panel of the lost light squad just standing there like idiots reminds me of that post where someone said abt that panel ‘these characters have a collective 3 brain cells’ or something hvbjadkfnksfdl

rodimus IMMEDIATELY breaking his own rules by trying to reassure pax that they're good guys by pointing at his autobot badge, even tho the autobots DONT EVEN EXIST YET at this point...my boy PLEASE go purchase some brain cells from the store 

and the fact that rodimus introduced himself to pax w/his real name...shouldn't he go by an alias or st??? that seems like a good time travel rule since optimus and rodimus definitely know each other later 

and like, did they not anticipate that some of the people in the past would recognize some of the lost lighters hgbajkhdjfnjksf like cd and whirl get Instantly recognized...great job guys

they are all SO bad at this hvbahskjdhfbasjkf I cantttt luckily for them the orion crew is handing them easy alibis 

‘the dugout’ is that a baseball reference????

also I love the scenery here, the bg looks like rock but there's metal piping and stuff running thru it, its so cool...really adds to the whole ‘cybertron biomes are made of metal’ thing

‘ancient history’ rodimus are you KIDDING ME-

cyclonus time travels to the past and IMMEDIATELY finds a window to stare broodingly out of. icon

tailgate thinking orion pax is SUPER COOL continues here from shadowplay and I love it...tailgate is so cute

and the tg saying ‘don't you think that's awesome, cyclonus?’ hhhhh so cute

one reason I love this arc so much is that this is the arc where the gay Really amps up 

TRAILBREAKER.... oh man ;_;

are you telling me that this outlaw base they're in has ONE bed for all of these people. what the hell vhbaksjhfnsal

cant believe rung sampled roller’s steroid juice box

also cant believe robot steroids exist. except yes I can and I love it

oooh roller’s a 0/1%er? I forgot abt that 

cant believe orion pax just grabs some random phone that belongs to these weird new people and answers it. WHO does that

goddddd megatron and orion’s conversation....destroy me

HHHHHH like...the HISTORY....the regret...the missed opportunities...its all so palpable....goddddddd

and of COURSE, the whole thing is steeped in tragedy...the ideological differences that will become the foundation for a 4 million year long war...megatron, who believes that you need to burn things down and start again to really make change stick, and then orion, who says ‘reform is the answer, not revolution’....AUGHHH the intricacies. mannnn

‘you sound lost’ 😭😭😭

‘its tragic.’ yeah, that about sums up their relationship, especially at this stage and in this continuity 

anyways. [cries about old man megatron talking to young naïve orion pax] goodbye

AUGHHH and then we jump to rodimus ONCE AGAIN breaking his own rules and trying to save trailbreaker...IT HURTS MAN...god I love rodimus, I feel like him being broken up about crewmembers like trailbreaker dying is one part regular sadness over people he knows dying for tragic reasons, and one part personal guilt at someone under his command dying, even if he’s not involved/at fault. I love the dichotomy of this emotional reaction that comes only partially from empathy/emotion, but also comes from a kinda self-centered need for success as measured by people under your command staying alive. and taking into account rodimus’s life it totally makes sense that he’d act like that...GAH I love it. the complexity of it all!

orion pax saying ‘you should read [megatron]. it’s powerful stuff’ I'm screaming, so many LAYERSSSSS

I fucking love time travel AHHHHHHHHH like the opportunity for interactions like these....chefs kiss

‘hey, best friend! miss you!’ rodimus is such a shit hvbdajkfksjhfd 

‘very sus’ rodimus ahead of his time w/the among us lingo

oooh and then they realize that the senate is trying to kill the sparks...gotta save the babies!

tailgate scolding cyclonus for bluntly stating that you'd wanna be subtle when killing newborns...hhhvbhsdfhhhhhh I love them sm

ooooh and rewind has an interesting suggestion - that the senate is actually trying to irradiate the sparks into being outliers...rewind is so smart I love him

and the fact that he’s using history from his database...love it

rodimus sending cyclonus and whirl out like pokemon

ROLLER NOOOO DONT GO OUT THERE

also wow this is literally the 5th (I think) double page spread in this issue...the confusion I felt the first time I read this...lmao 

and now this is literally one of my favorite issues so I'm glad I know what's going on lmao

oh man rodimus telling cd not to erase trailbreakers memory even tho that could jeopardize the entire timeline... :( 

oh man I didn't even notice but roller getting debris blasted into his face like that makes the whole ‘roller is tarn’ theory even more legit considering tarn’s face scars....

‘tighter the better’ hhh don't say that orion. but also, that’s the companion phrase to megatron saying ‘the deeper the better’ hvbhasjkhdfbaksjlf

I do love the semi-campy action hero antics that orion pax gets up to. its just so fun, even when the stakes are high and things are serious

‘this is the greatest thing I have ever seen’ tg ily

THE REVEAL THAT THE SPARKS WENT TO NYON...so rodimus just saved himself, basically...time travel is so trippy

GODDDD ND THEN TRAILBREAKER...HVHHHHHh 😭😭😭 THATS SO CRUEL MAN

oh man that last panel of trailbreaker holding up roller’s juice box...iirc the first time I read this I thought that was roller (cause of the juice box I guess? idk I'm an idiot) so I was like oh ok he must've come back or something. very much related but I didn't really think about tarn being a particular pre-established character and totally didn't read the whole ‘roller is tarn’ thing that was going on 

which in my defense ruth also didn't pick up on any of that while reading this and eventually like 2 issues before the reveal I had to prompt her like ‘you should maybe be wondering WHO tarn is’ vhbahjksdfbaksjdf

so! issue 37! this issue is a solid favorite of mine, id say definitely top 5 or even 3. I'm super biased bc I fucking LOVE time travel, it’s seriously one of my favorite tropes ever, and this issue hits all the time travel beats I love. characters traveling to the past and interacting with people they know! conversations that have multiple meanings bc of TIME TRAVEL! trying to save someone who meets a terrible fate in your future! fun time travel action! the time traveling characters being generally terrible at hiding the fact that they're time travelers! ITS SO GOOD. 

and I love the clever way everything is tied together here - where we get a nice continuation of shadowplay, with this taking place shortly after that with a lot of the same cast, and time travel classics like the good ole ‘if we hadn't travelled back in time and done what we did, the future we came from wouldn't have existed at all,’ in the flavor of ‘rodimus saving his baby self’ and ‘rodimus NOT saving trailbreaker’ and ‘everyone forgot about roller :(’ 

ok but like, did the lost lighters just go ‘oh well, guess rollers gone now.’ like they DID realize that the outlaw crew would have no idea what happened to him if they got their memories erased, right?? did the lost lighters figure that since roller never reappeared after this time period, that was how history was ‘supposed’ to go and they shouldn't mess with it? am I overthinking it? as usual: yes, probably. I love overthinking about comics, in case that wasn't obvious

basically...I love this issue soooo much. so so good and a bunch of fun tropes that I love. I mean the whole arc is like that for me since I love time travel so much. so I cant wait to (re)read more!!

[theworldsoul]

Uhh warning VENT!!! Talks about self harm and shit... also religious bullshit and gender bullshit??? Like I'm really trans and also Catholicism really fucked me up so if ur uncomfy with that just... skip this post. Also if ur Christian and can't handle seeing ur shit defaced then skip this post. Also if ur gonna clown on this post as "cringe atheism" then fuck you because I'm literally coping with pain lol

:readmore:

Anways now that the disclaimer is over... here comes the real shit.

I... have been going through a LOT lately, jesus christ. I was HAPPY today, yknow? I thought I was gonna be happy the whole day.

I was dancing today. That's how happy I was. For the first time in like... a whole year... I was really so happy. I thought I was gonna cry. But then I got home. And well,,,, I did cry. But not from happiness. I just got my math grade back. A fucking 49 percent. MY AVERAGE RIGHT NOW IS A 57 PERCENT. I MIGHT FAIL MATH 20. I MIGHT HAVE TO RETAKE IT. oh my god I'm such a failure I cant do anything ever i try SO fucking hard but honestly??? I cant fucking do this. I can't, I'm not mentally capable. "Just work harder"... BITCH I AM WORKING AS HARD AS I CAN. I AM SPENDING HOURS AND HOURS OF MY LIFE STUDYING AND PRACTICING. I'm starting to think that how hard i try doesn't even fucking matter because I'm STUPID and all i know how to do is PAINT SHIT!!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT ART!!!! IF I FAIL THIS CLASS I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE A HOUSE IN THE FUTURE!!!! A HOUSE!!!!!

I dont even want to be a fucking orthodontist. Okay??? I wanna do what I love: painting. But NOOOO. I have to get a "respectable" job that will "pay me enough money to live". WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO MAKE MONEY TO LIVE??? WTF??? THATS LITERALLY SO FUCKED UP. everyone deserves to live (unless they like murdered someone? I guess? Idk) BUT LIKE I DIDNT KILL NO ONE SO WHATS ALL THIS BS ABOUT WORKING TO LIVE???? WTF??? I rly gotta do all this shit I hate, all this shit I'm mentally incapable of doing... so i can have a house. Fuck this. Yknow with my average at a 57... I might fail this class even if I get a really good grade on my next quiz. Can you fucking believe it??? I'm literally so fucking stupid I cant even pass a dumb fucking math class god i hate myself. I cant fail this class. I've NEVER failed a class. Almost failed... but never HAD TO RETAKE A CLASS. that's the ultimate failure. I think my parents would hate me if I failed this.

And on top of that... I'm really struggling with uhhh, dysphoria and body image... and it's so fucking horrible man I want to rip all my skin off I want to suffocate god I want to KILL him I want to MAKE HIM SUFFER. I want to gouge his eyes out and force him to eat them. WHY WOULD HE MAKE ME LIKE THIS????? WHY????? WHATS THE POINT IN MAKING A CHILD SUFFER SO MUCH???

What did I ever do that was so wrong I deserved all this punishment???

Well FUCK YOU and fuck your stupid book and FUCK THESE STUPID FUCKING SAINTS. WASNT THERE SUPPOSED TO BE A WHOLEASS ANGEL WATCHING OVER ME?? PROTECTING ME??? WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT BITCH NOW?? WHERE WAS THAT BITCH WHEN... when I was being bullied? When I literally wanted to kill myself?

Where was that guardian angel when I kept making THE SAME MISTAKE over and over again and I KNEW it was wrong but I kept doing it anyways because it was the only way I could feel like soemone cared about me????

I bet that angel motherufcker KNEW they didnt care. DID THE ANGEL EVER ONCE HELP ME??? NOOOO. all those times I was bruised and broken... all those times...

Man, I was just a kid. I was SO fucking young. And I would come like a lamb to the slaughter and kneel. I would pray... ask for guidance. I would pray the rosary too, I would read the bible and try my very best to understand it, I would go to church and volunteer at church and do my best to be a Good Boy and never sin. I did EVERYTHING right. I literally fasted at some point, like a religious fast. I was devoted...

Honestly though? I think it was the same mistake I make over and over again, except not with a real person.

And you have me NOTHING. GO GIRL, GIVE US NOTHING!!!!!!! I literally used to self-punish for the sins I couldnt bring myself to confess. At my communion, there was one sin I didn't tell because I knew it was unforgivable. I still hate myself for that. But man, I used to try and do all sorts of things to somehow cleanse myself of it. I figured THAT whole ordeal was why I was constantly being tortured.

But I was stupid and I am stupid and that makes NO SENSE because if the thing I'm being punished for happened when I was a child, WHY DID THE PUNISHMENT BEGIN AT MY BIRTH????

They used to tell me that god handcrafted every part of me specifically for some sort of grand reason.

Why.

Really? This bitch really "handcrafted" me just so I could cry and cut myself nearly every night??? Fuck that. Like why would you make me this way. It hurts more than you can IMAGINE. The only reason I'm not dead yet is because of ME, MY strength, not any of the bullshit YOU gave me. I hate when people say "oh, god made u so hardworking" or "oh, god made you so passionate/hopeful/full of love/fiery/whatever" LIKE STFU BITCH THAT WAS NOT SKYDADDY THAT WAS ME!!!

you wanna know what he made me?

dysphoric, ugly af, yeah.... but the worst part?

He made me feel.

That doesn't sound bad, right? Well it's the worst thing on the list. It is my downfall, my Achilles heel or whatever. This emotions shit??? It RUINED my life. My whole life I was cursed with a fucking monster inside me. I kept trying to tell everyone that it wasnt me!!! I kept telling them that it felt like I was being possessed. But adults are SHIT. I hate adults. I want to kill them all. They failed me and their god failed me. None of them every listened to me. All they knew how to do was punish, punish, punish.

It's like giving an allergic kid some peanuts and then getting angry at them for going into anaphylactic shock or whatever. Nobody ever thought "hey, why don't we stop giving the kid peanuts?"

ALL THE ADULTS AROUND ME ACT LIKE CHILDREN AND THEY ALWAYS HAVE ACTED LIKE CHILDREN FUCK ADULTS

Anwyays that's how I ended up with all these unresolved issues,.... emotion is a tough one, like I literally dont have the ability to control my emotions at all, I can try and like, repress them but I cant make myself actually feel less.

My emotion hurts more than anyone else's and nobody ever understood that. I would tell them that it hurts, it PHYSICALLY HURTS, and they would say I just wanted attention. I would tell them I literally couldnt control what my body said and did, I would tell them I felt like A PUPPET ON STRINGS and no one believed me. Fuck them.

Healthy coping mechanisms? I literally self ship with Snape to cope. I literally self ship with characters my brain made up and put in my dreams to cope. I used to hurt myself so much trying to feel loved and cared about irl. Fiction is so much better. I sound like a loser but its TRUE. The sort of thing I need, the sort of love I need is like... a parent. You can't go looking for a parent in a romantic partner, it fucks everything up and you end up... well, let's just say it proabbly wasnt the most legal thing, but I wasnt thinking strisght at all I mean dude I was So fucked in my head when I did all that...whatever...anyways so thank u for fiction!!! I love fiction. Want to kill someone? Draw it. Then you'll feel much better!!! And you dont go to jail!!!

Well the pics here... idk, it was really calming to do this. It's new, painting over religious shit. I was gonna do the whole bible but I already burnt that shit so.... and I was going to cut but I'm trying really hard to stay clean... like really hard. It's so weird and like, addicting, once I hit styro I don't want to stop, but also it kinda transfers the emotional pain to physical pain, making it way easier to deal with. I just can't keep doing that because I KNOW it's bad and look I thoguht I was clean for a whole year but then I fucked up and WOW, GUESS WHAT MADE ME RELAPSE??? MATH CLASS!!!!

Whatever anyways here are my wonderful works of art I made while crying and cursing god (like I'm so pissed at all this catholic bs I believed in him again just to swear at him lol)

.... but imagine for a moment, a better world. One in whcih these saints whose images I've defaced are actually good people... a world in which they SEE ME AND THEY HEAR ME... and I go unpunished.... and I am embraced by someone who UNDERSTANDS.

I think I would cry.

Too bad that world doesnt exist and I just made it up to try and feel a bit better. Whatever, whatever. I painted the things, they're gonna dry. I work hard, I'm gonna do good on my quiz, I hope. I just have to be making it through, that's all it is, work work work without a break but I can proabbly do it. I'm really slipping I admit like the mental health is slipping it's getting worse like I havent had a "fuck I am afab" moment in such a long time so yeah...

Anwyays I feel so much better now that I did my little art project yknow???

[the-numbers-game]

life update - long ramble

readmore

in less than three weeks, i will have finished my postgrad. it’s been a hecking fast course, and very intense at times. like most things im a bit gutted at myself for not trying as hard as i can. but i’ve done mostly okay considering my efforts. a range of grades. i was gutted last term that i got a c in my criminal litigation class just due to my nerves. all my content was perfect, i was just shit scared of public speaking. i bombed conveyancing cos that class was shit. but i did good in my other two and i’ve got good grades this semester so far. but i’ve also missed more classes, and i think i bombed my oral last week, and i’m bound to bomb my oral this week too.

idk how i will adjust to being not-in-education for the first time since i was 5 (3, if you include preschool). tbh, if i dont get a traineeship i may go back in 2021 or 2022 and do a masters. something on the constitution and human rights. maybe i’ll write about labour again.

 i’m gonna chill for a month or so, working my 2.5 days at work whilst i still have my student loan rolling in (LOL, i get hardly anything cos i’m a pg and most of it is gone in the repayment of the personal loan i took out to do this course). then, i’ll increase my days to 4. i can live off 4 days, and it means i can still count this job as not being my life whilst i hunt for a traineeship, and failing one that starts pretty soon, another job. i’m fixed term, and i was lucky in i got a promotion, but the promotion was also for a fixed term position. 

i hope my contract is extended, i put my face out there a lot at work primarily for that reason. i go on training courses and sit on committees, partly because i get away from my desk but also because it makes me look like i care about my job. i’ll mainly look at the public sector, as i feel like i belong there, i like flexible working and having an interesting caseload. and then law firms, as maybe if i get an admin job at a firm they will take pity on me and recruit me. failing those two, i will look charities/trade unions/politics before resulting to texting someone at my old work and begging for a job back. or maybe i’ll do agency work. fuck idk. i shouldn’t worry about it. i’ll get a job, right? 

i do hear back this week regarding a traineeship. i’m not hopeful. i never am. but the interview did go really well. i didn’t stammer, i spoke freely, we spoke a lot about unions and the labour party and i felt like they liked me. they only interviewed 6% of applicants, so i’m lucky to get through and even if i don’t get it i know i’ll be less anxious about interviewing for traineeships again because i know it can go well(ish). if i do get it i’ll be over the moon, it’s not human rights and it’s not public law but they do a lot of union work and pro bono, and that’s good enough for me. 

over the years, the way i experience anxiety has changed, dramatically.  for a while, i had quite a good support network of ‘safe adults’. like my friends, past and present, and callum, have all been remarkable, but i think being able to relate to adults/people in authority when you’re not quite an adult yourself is good for validation. it didn’t last long and friendships and ‘drama’ started to consume my life. when i finally moved out of retail into an office environment, a lot of my anxiety, especially the physical stuff, shifted. i shit you not, i would physically throw up before many of my shifts in retail. so again, i thought i was coping as things weren’t as bad as they were back then. especially when it came to depression, as i actively removed myself from the main environmental factor causing me to have low moods. 

i was dumb, cos of course i still had sadness and anxiety. it was just different, and because i channeled a lot of stress into uni, being new at my job, and being skint, it felt like there was always an excuse it wasnt anything about me,it was xyz and hey fuck look at least im not barthing and crying every morning yeah?

but 2019, whilst being a year of several incredible highs and generally being a good year was full of anxiety and due to me doing such an intense course with lots of orals, i realised, yes, i may not be taking as many panic attacks as i took when i was 18 but i felt as bad, fuck, even worse socially and internally, than i did back then. so i went to the doctors just before the new year, and got put on drugs. 

that was a big step, as i always have a fear about the doctors but i have a really good gp surgery, my main doctor is a bit odd but really helpful. one of the other doctors did a whole law degree and the diploma before deciding it wasnt for her and she wanted to go to med school, so shes a really good person to turn to. the reception staff are kind (and you can book appointments online too, which i find really helpful). i think as well, i always viewed my anxiety as mild, and in a way, it is, but in a lot of ways, it is not. medication has certainly helped. i take antidepressants and beta blockers and whilst im not a super happy confident girl, i can cope a lot better. i’m no longer physically anxious (if you know me irl you know i am a shaky bastard) and my brain doesn’t run through the same STRESS as it did. so im grateful. i know meds dont work for everyone and that it takes people years to find something good for them, esp for people with a lot more complex mental health issues than me and my anxiety but i found ones that seem to be working, at least for now.

this year, i’ve tried to look after myself more. i’m saving for a house after opening a help to buy isa last year. i noticed my vision was being a bit blurry from time to time and that my eyes felt really strained when looking at the computer. so i booked an eye appointment and it turns out im short sighted. wearing glasses, as well as fulfilling 12 year old me’s fantasy, has massively helped my general fatigue. i’m gonna book in for physio at my gp, cos i have a dodgy shoulder, and due to general stress, both the dodgy one and the other are in a lot of pain constantly. i try and do a proper skincare routine in the mornings and at night. i’ve always loved skincare but usually just take what i’ve been gifted but i’ve had fun exploring brands and building a collection. i’ve asked for extensions at uni when i’ve needed them, and took time off when appropriate. i’ve been meeting friends more, and not patching messages. 

right okay- i’m falling asleep now but this has been a ramble which probably makes no sense but if we are mutuals or whatever i appreciate you and thanks for dealing with my bs.

tldr - finishing uni soon, probs gonna be looking for a job, doing better in life and with my mh. 

[poetic-beats]

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

[thefloatingstone]

A weeked at a hotel is quiet and alone.

A long walk or a going to a movie that starts after dark helps.

A four hour or longer bath where you sit in the water helps. Even if it doesnt helps it helps. And you smell good at the end of it which is nice even when you lack appreciation for nice things currently.

Do new things - feeling trapped or in a rut or the need to escape can be alleviated by feeling like youre making some sort of progress or have control over something in your life.

Sleeping more doesn’t help. Sleeping less doesnt help. Both are enough of a change/ strain on your body that they make you think they are but really they just increase problems and make the days pass quicker or slower.

Make goals. Meet goals. Cant get to goals make smaller goals to get there.

Focus on the things you can do and help and control and if you can’t do anything about it aknowledge it and let it go.

Hydrate. Youre not doing it enough, no one is.

Eat regularly, just like you should sleep regularly and for 9 hours - your body and therefore your mind functions better on a schedual.

It may not help but i can garrentee you not doing these things makes it harder than it needs to be.

Can also play games or read or watch shows until it passes, if it passes but thats just a… Temporary solution not an actual fix action.

But sometimes you don’t need a fix action you need a distraction to be immersed in and thats okay.

Get someone to talk to. Professionally.

Friends and family can help but we’re all not really great at healthy coping - and we know what works for us or what we’ve learned but we can’t always give you personalized tips that will help YOU get through your dips.

Clean/ reorganize your room - this just makes you feels self satisfied if youre lucky and if you arent well theres a little less mess and your mind feels less cluttered if you make even a little progress. Your environment can add to the strain.

Open a window idk why fresh air helps.

Candle with a scent you like - light it. Pet fire keeps you company.

Bake. Idk why but it helps, doesnt matter what youre making but if it makes a mess for you to clean up while you wait for it to be done its a win.

Plus baked goods are nice to have and eat or give away which makes you happy… Especially since half the time you dont feel the need to eat whatever youve baked.

Blast music. Loudly. Especially dark depressing shit or especially lively rebelling shit.

Or just play classical piano in the background because it helps…. Filter. Which is nice.

It gets better. Even if it turns out to be something youll struggle with it gets better because youll learn to manage it and it can’t take away the good even if it tells you it can.

Youve survived every horrible thing thats happened to you. Youll get through this too keep that in mind.

Also watch what youre telling yourself. Something as simple as telling yourself not “i can’t deal with this -emotional pain/situation - ” but “i dont want to deal with this” can in time make it easier to get past it because youre not bogged down in trying to… Reject how you feel.

Youre allowed to feel this way. Like. You may not want to but. You do so youve got to accept it on some level in order to beable to get past rejecting reality and figure out how best to approach it.

Emotions arent unreasonable. Like. Logically you’ll say they are but youre not depressed or whatever for no reason. Either theres something effecting you or your brain chemistry is off either way there is no “i shouldnt feel this way”

So like. Really dont talk down to yourself. Or if you do at least try to tack on something like “alright try again” or idk something positive or at least foward thinking.

And remeber you’re not alone.

Reach out. Message people. Sit on silent calls and share dead air with others. You may ache like a raw nerve or feel left out or ignored or a hundred other things but just. Attempting to be apart of your friends life or just hearing another person can do a world of difference. If not… In the moment than later it def gives you something to build on.

And youre not… A bother. Youre not… Responsible for making decisions about other peoples emotional wellbeing. Theyve got to tell you ‘hey i dont/ cant talk about this right now lets just bs about whatever instead". You need help or a distraction or anything ask the people you care about.

Youre not alone and isolating… Usually makes things worse.

Like alone time can help but isolatings a different ballgame entirely and youll know which youre doing.

Hell just posting on here and asking for tips is great and Im proud of you.

Sorry if that or any of this sounds condescending - im just. Summarizing shit ive learned and tried and had to talk myself into because i really thought my mental health was bullshit and i shouldnt need help with basic things.

But people do. Like. We’re not made to fuction the way we do and we’re not taught a lot of really simple things and how they effect us or the difference between coping healthly and not.

… Fuctioning can only get you so far so long, you’ve got to actually take care of yourself you know? I mean dont beat yourself up because taking care of yourself doesn’t line up with what you think that should mean is all.

Sorry to bug and do hope you get to feeling better soon.

This is an incredibly in-depth and helpful message. Thank you so very very much for taking the time to write it out for me. I’m posting this to prevent it from getting buried

Also, again, I want to thank everyone for sending me responses and messages about this. I’m sorry I’m not replying to all of them individually, but I am reading all of them <3 a lot of you are saying the same things like taking a walk or doing some light exercise, drinking water (I haven’t been doing that enough today) and things like that. As I said, I can’t do exercise tonight since it’s late, but I’ll try and take a walk tomorrow if the weather is good. And I’ll try and get some water in me.

I’m afraid talking to someone professional isn’t really possible right now, but hearing I can just go once makes me feel a little better. I’ve never realised I don’t have to try and afford an ongoing therapy thing. I can’t do it right now, but I’ll see if I can figure something out at some point in a few months if I can.

But thank you again for your help, guys. And although I feel bad for asking... but I’d really appreciate if you guys could continue to give it. Not because I want instant gratification or anything, but just because I don’t have much support elsewhere, and I want to get past this.

and thank you for being patient with me. I’m trying, I really am.

[blattfeder-blog]

I constantly need validation so I'm making a list

Since it's really difficult for me to be angry at them without being angry at myself because "Why are you angry at them, it's just as much your fault as it is theirs", I decided to write a list of the things I am angry about. I hope that that will keep me from pressuring myself too much.

They constantly put me under emotional pressure and reminded me more than just once or twice that I wasn't really good enough for them and that they probably wouldn't still be going out with me if it wasn't an open relationship.

They texted the person they told me not to worry about ("look, being in an open relationship works, you just need to remember who you're in a relationship with and who's the other person"; I don't have anything against open relationships and am convinced that they can work, but only if this statement really keeps true for everyone), while I was laying in bed right next to them. Instead of, I dont know, maybe talking to me. Also, a couple of weeks after that they dumped me for that person even though just a couple days earlier they reassured me that they weren't going to do that. Honestly just be honest with your partner, like it would have been so much easier for me if they just told me right then that they were thinking about breaking up with me. I even offered them that option, like I could understand if you liked the other person more than me, dragging it out just made it worse and also made me go through more of their bs and I wish I could have saved myself those couple of days, honestly.

They told me that they really weren't togeher with me just for sleeping with me, only to then, one week later, ask me why we're even together when I told them that I wasn't really that interested in sleeping with then all the time. Also, they accused me of pushing them into the relationship and that they weren't even sure about wanting to officially go out with me, even though they were the one who asked me out and who introduced me to their parents as their s/o.

One night, after a friends party, I wasn't feeling good mentally so I decided to leave early. I apologized to them for being stressed about university deadlines and not being able to handle it at the moment. The first things they responded to that were basically "I can understand if you're down but if you can't just leave uni stuff in uni and carry it around like that it's really gonna weigh down on our relationship" and then "well, my ex was acting like you did today after three years of a bad relationship, and if you're acting that way now, what can that possibly mean now?" (that was a couple of weeks after we started dating). Of course, they said a lot of things like "i wish i could make you feel better" and stuff after that but honestly, the feeling the conversation (text and voice messages btw) gave me was "can you not feel so bad you're making me feel bad" and yep, that definitely didn't make me feel any better. Anyways I missed the last night bus and walked around the city for three hours until I was able to take the first train home. What a fun night!

There's probably more but at this point I'm so tired of thinking about them why can't my brain just stop

[elffees]

thoughts on the MK 2021 movie, MK9, and MKX

so after watching the movie, i dived into the actual games a little bit. ive read that its best for newcomers to start with 9 and work their way from there, so thats what i did.

ill start off by saying that the story really surprised me, especially in MK9. i know im setting myself up for failure by being invested in the lore of a fighting game, but it was actually pretty interesting. i mean, it was nothing revolutionary of course, but i still liked it.

MK9

i really liked the story of MK9, especially the writing behind Raiden and Liu Kang. original!Raiden only sent MK9!Raiden an extremely vague warning and he just had to make do. but there was tons of nuance to it because whenever he tried to do smthg differently, things always ended up the same or worse. Scorpion still killed Sub-Zero because of Quan Chi’s meddling, some of the characters still turned into cyborgs, and then by the end almost all of the good guys were dead.

i also liked the nuance of Liu Kang not necessarily being an antagonist, but just growing disillusioned with Raiden. Raiden kept talking about ~these visions~ that were guiding him, but things still kept turning out fucked. we, the audience, know hes not wrong, but Liu Kang doesnt know that, so him thinking Raiden has just lost it makes total sense. especially with his “we have to let the supervillain win” logic in the end. i genuinely think the only thing Raiden did wrong was accidentally kill Liu Kang in their fight. like it sucks that most of the previous good guys were dead, doomed to work as Quan Chi’s minions for all time, but at least Earthrealm was saved... right?

MK10

while i think MK9 had the most interesting story, i liked MK10 just as much for different reasons. the plot was everyone dealing with the aftermath of MK9, so i was glad for the continuity. the tension between Earthrealm and the new leader of Outworld Kotal Kahn; new kids on the street Cassie and her team wanting to join the fight; Scorpion/Hanzo and Kuai Liang making amends and Hanzo finally learning the truth about Quan Chi; Jax overcoming his trauma of being an ex-revenant; current revenant Liu Kang not necessarily liking his fate, but still holding a grudge against Raiden for killing him; etc. the plot of MKX overall felt like a well fleshed out premise. its really hard for such a short game to fit in so many moving pieces, but it did and it worked well. in my opinion anyway.

i think the one criticism i’d have would be the way Cassie Cage was handled. i know power scaling is virtually impossible in this series since characters defeat others based on what the plot needs rather than on actual power, but Cassie defeating superpowered Shinnock was just a little much, especially since we saw Sub-Zero sock the shit out of her only, what? days before?? maybe it wouldve been better if the New Kids™️ all worked together to take down superpowered Shinnock, now that i could see. but for rookie Cassie to do it all on her own... idk. like i was proud of her, just kinda confused lol.

but one other thing i really liked about MKX is the development of Dark Raiden. it makes complete sense that after the bs Earthrealm has had to deal with just in these two games alone, he’d be sick and tired. him not giving anymore fucks is very interesting and im curious to see what theyre going to do with it when i go into MK11.

tieing back to the movie

when i first watched the 2021 movie, i thought it was a decent turn-your-brain-off action flick. the graphics were well done, the acting was good, and i love Lewis Tan. i read that a lot of hardcore MK fans didnt like the character of Cole Young. “why did they introduce a new character??” i thought who cares? its a new medium so it made sense that strangers to the series (like me) would need a fill in. besides i had heard rumors that new characters got released practically every MK game so that complaint felt almost hypocritical if anything.

now that ive gotten into two of the games tho, while i still dont think creating a new character was a bad call, i do understand the criticism a little more. Cole is a descendant of Hanzo, but Hanzo’s entire schtick is that his whole family was killed by Quan Chi. like thats his main motivation for wanting revenge. thats his whole plot. by the movie pulling a “hidden baby in the floorboard” it feels a little... fanfiction-esque in terms of an origin story. i still liked Lewis’ performance tho and think they shouldve just went with making him an already established character (maybe Kenshi? idk), or still a new character but just not attached to the one guy who’s entire backstory is being the last of his line.

i do still think the movie was pretty good tho, especially for an adaptation. they changed some things, like i believe the human characters in the game just had supernatural powers from birth (im assuming??) meanwhile in the movie, they get them from the tattoo/scar a champion gets. thats a fine change imo.

conclusion

all in all, the series is better than i expected. i liked the story of MK9 and X, and i have yet to start 11. ppl said MK9 was a quick skim of all the previous games, and i think it did relatively well at not feeling rushed. everything made sense. the only time i was confused was trying to figure out which Sub-Zero was which between Bi Han and Kuai Liang, who became Noob and who became Cyber, and who the hell got resurrected in X (i know now it was Kuai. RIP Bi Han, i knew you for 5 seconds and you were a dick the entire time). my favorite characters lore wise probably have to be Kitana, Takeda, and Kung Jin, while my faves gameplay wise probably have to be Sonya in 9/Cassie in X, Nightwolf, and D’Vorah. 

[coufae]

we all agree that sappy stuff sucks

i think we can all agree that sappy facebook posts are worse, and twitter has a character limit, so my sappy-not-sappy happy birthday facebook post is actually a tumblr post, and andie you can just deal with that.  (sappy bs under the cut. proceed w/ caution)

tbh i wasn’t sure if i’d make a post, because we hate sappy stuff, and the thought of trying to actually condense what you mean to me in one post is intimidating and not even you would wanna read it. but hey, i dont need to put /everything/ into one post. you have so many birthdays left. also i’m lazy, and don’t want to write that much. also, i don’t have photos of us, or really bad candids of you, to show off, which sucks. but in case you hadn’t noticed, its your birthday, and that sort of thing is kind of obligatory??? 

your tiny little riceball brain nearly imploded when you found out that aaron tveit potentially might not be totally perfect, and lord fuck am i so glad it did. our twin sense of humour, interests, and views all kinda prove that we should have been born actual twins?????? and i couldnt have done without the endless support, love, e x a s p e r a t i o n, memes, or confusion you’ve provided me with over the last year. you’ve helped me change my perspective a thousand times over, youve encouraged me to tackle things i wanted no part in, and you’ve made me laugh when i really, really havent wanted to. 

i’m so, so proud of everything you’ve done over the last year- everything from asking that table of strangers at the mall if you could borrow their chair, to making more friends, to taking risks, to handling yourself well in some fucked up situations, to beginning to understand your real worth, to actually becoming an adult today. (KIDDING no ones a real adult until like, 30. stop freaking out, andrea). you’ve changed and grown so much over the last year, i don’t think i’d recognize year-ago andie if she started texting me now. your bravery, strength of character, stubbornness, pettiness, sense of humour, fire, empathy have grown exponentially since i first met you and i’m so happy to be able to call you my sister best friend 

ANYWAY I JUST FINISHED WORK AND I’M SLEEPY AND HAVE MORE WORK TOMORROW. HAVE THIS COLLECTION OF SOME OF MY FAVOURITE RECENT SCREENSHOTS AND OUR RECENT MEMES. HAPPY BIRTHDAY RICEBALL ILU @gluten-free-water

[real-retail-stories]

Long post, sorry. I have anxiety, and can manage it well EXCEPT when it comes to cashiering. All of the managers are understanding and don’t put me there, I’m not even trained since it wasn’t what I was hired for. I dont know what I’ve done to deserve the ire of this lady since day one (I’ve been at this location longer than her, and the first day I met her she was so rude for no reason, and thought I stupid or slow because I had no idea who this lady was and why she was yelling at me for something she hadn’t explained (apparently she’s the manager just second to the store manager which no one knew until about two weeks after she started bossing everyone around like dogs)), but regardless, today, she induced an anxiety attack in me. Which I’ll get to after I explain a few things. Everyone who works this store hates her. Everyone. That’s not hyperbole. I have no idea how she’s still here. Now, I hate her because not only has she only been rude to me wantonly, she’s made me cry on several occasions (of which I’ll explain two, this one, and one from a few weeks ago). I Don’t cry. So when I do, it means I’m under great duress. She’ll be M. I’ll be K. The first time M made me cry it was after an attempt to help a customer. I was changing labels on some shelves when M was walking by, at the same time a customer C came up to me for directions through the store. I told C where to go as it was very straight and straightforward directions. Apparently that wasn’t good enough for M as she tersely told me to walk C to her desired location. I calmly, almost robotically, no emotion, completely blank (I don’t emote easily when I wake up (it was morning)), put away the labels to the side so they wouldn’t get knocked everywhere while I was gone. On the way to C’s destination she turned to me and regarded M as “a total b*tch” to which I could only weakly shrug. I came back only for M to call me over, see her grab a manager she’s friends with, and she proceeded to box me in a small office and lay into me about how I was giving her attitude. In return I quietly but steadily repeated over and over that “I wasn’t” while she kept retorting “but in my perspective you were”. Like, how am I supposed to defend myself when you’re lording your position over me without someone on my side.. She wanted me to blow up at her so she could have proof of whatever, but I wasn’t going to give her ammo for bs. She let me go, but was on my case the rest of the day. I cried in the backroom when I was recounting the event to my DM. And later when I was talking a member of personnel (not launching a complaint, was just explaining some grievances). And now, today. (TW Anxiety Attack) I’m trying to put away some top stock, and as I’m grabbing a ladder, M walks up, flippantly “K you’re going on register.” My heart stops, and I can feel it start to pound. “I’m not register trained.” “Well come get trained.” “Please don’t make me do this.” “It’s your job.” “I can’t.” “Why not?” “I have anxiety.” She Rolls her eyes at me, and starts to walk away. All I can feel is my heart pounding and this weight on my shoulders and chest, and start to curl in on myself. I tried to start a conversation with my coworker to calm myself down, but M is coming down the aisle to talk to him and my brain freezes up and I can’t be out in the open, so I stalked to corner to turn myself away. It was getting hard to breathe and I start to freak out, but a customer comes up and I try to help him but i can’t breathe so in short breath I started to cry, but I want to help the customer because I just want a distraction, but I just can’t stop crying. I put my hands on my face and faced the corner “I’m sorry”“I’m okay”“I’m fine”“I’m sorry I’m sorry”“I’m okay I’m okay I’m okay” All while this customer and two of my coworkers are trying to figure out what’s wrong, and I’m so embarrassed that I just want them to know I’d be fine, and just need a little time. Then M comes and brushes them away and is trying to get me to calm down but she’s making it worse “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry” is all I can do because I can’t Breathe. M:“Calm down. Don’t be sorry. I didn’t know that would upset you so much. *pauses* I’m going to go because being here is obviously not helping. Just take some time and calm down.” And I cried. And I couldn’t stop for agonizing minutes, but I stopped and I could finally breathe. But I didn’t stop shaking for 30 minutes after that, and was so drained for the rest of the day, she stayed away from me but whenever she saw she would eye me like a hawk, which made me tense up and look down because even though I was freaking out from freaking anxiety that I cannot control (I would if I could M! Which I usually can but apparently you like finding my limits and breaking me??), I was also mad because her actions caused all of that and I didn’t want to retaliate or be perceived as retaliating, I’m just trying to do my job, why is that so hard understand, I was and am so tired because I hadn’t had enough sleep this week because I’m also a student and I have a mild case of insomnia and I just wanted to go home… I’m sorry if I sound whiny or exaggerative or some other criticism I’m sorry for the long post. But I’m just so tired…