#THATS MY IMMEDIATE REVIEW BE BACK SOON WITH MORE THOUGHTS

[khaothanawat]

one ep into moonlight chicken and already vibing with how everyone’s lives are clearly just a fucking mess

[mychlapci]

ough I've been trying so hard to think about what to do with the mertwins. Haven't quite figured it out ;A;

Sunstreakers reaction to Prowl definitely surprises him. This is the first time Prowl isn't greeted with immediate snarling and scratching. This is definitely the first time he sees the mer react in what he assumes is shock, optics going wide and fins dropping, making him appear a lot smaller than how he usually has his fins fanned out in aggression.

Then the yellow mer gestures. This is the first time Prowl is recording any attempt at communication from this one. A claw-tipped servo dragged from the mer's left optic to torso. The gesture is repeated a few times before the mer points at him, and then does it again.

Then Prowl frowns, doorwings flicking in irritation. Mocking him for his injuries? He narrows his one functioning optic at the mer as it glares back at him.

Whatever it is, the mer is not happy with his lack of response and growls, slamming a fist on the glass and then repeating the gesture again. When Prowl decides he's had enough and starts to walk away, Sunstreaker snarls and angrily bangs against the glass.

Sideswipe, on the other hand, is probably heavily sedated. He's awake, but groggy. The staff aren't taking any chances with him after what happened to Prowl.

He looks... sad. Thats what Prowl notes first. The moment all that aggression is stripped from the red mer, all that's left is sad and tired optics. He seems to spend a lot of time trying to curl around something. The sedatives are meant to make him sleep a lot, yes, but he doesn't just try to find a place to hide or a comfortable place to sleep. He tends to attempt to scrounge up what he can- rocks or pieces of kelp, anything- that he can hold or curl up around when he wants to rest.

Prowl notes this and wonders if the sedatives are affecting the mer's processor. Is this normal? The mer was not doing this before. Maybe he's seen this behaviour once when the facility held a few mer pups. If unable to cling to their carriers, pups may cling to other objects for comfort.

But that still doesn't explain anything. Maybe this species is social? Is that what is missing? But for how aggressive this one has been, that is also not likely. Prowl has noted that social mers tend to be more timid when separated from their pods.

The next few days continue to be odd. Sunstreaker keeps trying to communicate with Prowl, getting more and more frustrated every time he fails. How stupid can these land mechs be. He wants to know where his brother is NOW. His gestures sometimes go from gesturing at Prowls wounds to what are clearly threats. Prowl is not amused, but he is taking notes. Communication is an improvement. And he has noticed less injuries on this mer as of recently.

Sideswipe continues to be sedated, but Prowl is beginning to review the effects of this. He has noted that the mer seems to be a little too out of it for his comfort. They might have to get him off the sedatives soon. He's been telling everyone that the sedation is really not necessary, he's Fine, but no one is happy about Prowl getting attacked and still working through the injuries.

The red mer is clearly delirious with all the sedation. He swims around, looking lost, until he feels tired enough to lay back down. He always clings to something before he will lay down. And when he eats, he seems to leave half of everything behind. Prowl doesn't know why. If they want him to eat, they have to feed him twice as much and see that half of it is left untouched, kept in a neat pile by where he rests.

Prowl is starting to reconsider his thoughts about this one being a social species. The mer doesn't seem to be hoarding. He seems to be providing for something. All that aggression- maybe he was protecting something he should have. Or someone.

stop sending such good asks i can't let people know i'm stupid.

hrhhhh this whole scenario lives in my head. Sunstreaker keeps trying to communicate but it just does not work. Perhaps he's also aware that Prowl is observing him like some kind of zoo animal and that just makes him more enraged...

[calpalsworld]

1 year on T review:

Disclaimer: I feel like it went really perfectly compared to some other people so don't take me as the only example.

I started on 25 ml per week (pretty low), but they lowered it to 20 ml (low) per week due to my T levels becoming insanely high and my period coming back because of it. I basically microdose T because I'm a freak 🤗

Period:

IT STOPPED

It came back a little once but then they lowered my dose

Emotions:

I didn't notice any change in emotions personally.

Strength:

Idk I might have placebo'd myself into having more strength?

Acne/stink:

It got worse like 2 months in but then went back to how I was pre-T after a few weeks. edit: probably my self maintenance habits catching up with the changes.

Wiener:

T gives you a weewee!!! O_O

It hurt badly around 3-6 months but also I already got a fair amount of pain down there pre-T. This may be a me thing.

Made my comfortability with my self and perception of self way better

Fat:

I look different slightly in a way I really like.

I have more of a chad faceshape now

Gained some body fat in a way that makes my boobs and butt look smaller (I wanted this desperately and I hope maybe in the future I can look like a bear)

Hair:

Disclaimer: I was already hairy pre-T.

Slight mustache / sideburns. Excited for more in the future. I feel like Im gaining this at a normal pace. I have yet to shave anything but I want to shave soon to see what kind of complexion/face texture it would give me.

Hair everywherrreeeeeeeeeeee

Buttcrack hair👿👿👿 (this is my least favorite change) (they dont put this in anti trans ads because its kinda gross but if they were being honest they would)

Voice:

Around 3 months you will sound like you are very very very sick for weeks. I feel like this happens to everyone not just me.

A bit deeper now.

Rumbley/cracky in a way that I really like. I amuse myself with my new voice abilities.

I can't go as high pitched anymore or it cracks.

I miss doing funny baby voices 👿👿👿

How others see me:

Medical professionals have been nice/normal to me

Going on T will not make your parents start gendering you correctly if they aren't already

Some people say they literally genuinely thought I was AMAB (edit: the reason I thought this was crazy is because I don't even bind)

Some people know immediately Im trans and immediately misgender me intentionally

I dont understand how this dichotomy works ^ androgyny achieved?

Cishet "passing" (?!) I like this somewhat so I can chillax.... but also IM NOT CISHET OR BINARY

Doing the shot:

I was never particularly scared of needles, but I was nervous the first time. Despite being a coward, I managed to do it without ever having help. (the doctors didn't show me how LOL and I got impatient waiting for my friend) (ASKING FOR HELP IS GOOD THOUGH!!!)

Used to take like 30 minutes, now takes like 5 minutes.

Idrc anymore

Nothing bad has ever happened except one time there was a bunch of blood which freaked me out.

Thats all my thoughts on T for those who are trying to find information. Feel free to ask me questions ☝🤓

[sleepgarden]

I would love to hear more about that quote if you’re comfortable sharing!!

Yes! Okay I'll write it under a readmore- content warnings for abuse and trauma, in this specific case sexual. ...It ended up very long, I'm sorry >< !! I hope it all makes sense at least.

Now that I'm actually about to write it I realize how much context i need to give, so I'll try to do it as simply as possible but this is actually the first time im talking about this piece in depth, so it may still be a little messy..

At the time of making the piece I was at the end of a very long and hurtful relationship. During that relationship I was coerced, taken advantage of, and had my decline of consent ignored (that's one way to put it.. its hard to talk about lol). The timeline leading up to the illustration is hard to explain, but some time before is when i started accepting that i was trans. I allowed myself to see me as i am, explore my identity, approach my own thoughts/feelings with curiosity instead of fear. I gained a lot of confidence in that time (at least, compared to what i had before!) but i kept it a secret from my then-partner as they werent exactly accepting. With this newfound confidence though I expressed some desires to them that they gave a very clear and solid no to, so I immediately dropped it and moved on. (I should also say, i never really asked for anything in that relationship before. The things my partner did made me think that i was asexual for years, lmao) Later, nearing the end of it, is when i started realizing how truly awful the things they did were and how deeply it affected me. I felt like I had given (been taken from, actually) so much and had nothing to show for it. I also had the realization when thinking back about when I myself asked for something too but was told no, just how easy it was to accept that. In fact is was impossible to imagine not accepting it and getting them to do what i wanted anyways.

So to now explain the phrase "and now with thorns of his own, its the roses call to endure" The thorns are the shift of the dynamic, where as before the rose was the only one with them, the character in the illustration had now grown his own. Equally awful to touch or be touched by. He calls on the rose to endure just as he did. But, of course, I didnt feel that way. I would never want to do that to someone. I could never expect that from them, you know? How could I? And thats just it- thats where the anger came from: How could they?

The realization of what its like on the other end to be told "no" and to imagine pushing them to deal with it regardless was infuriating. The illustration calls on the rose to endure, but the anger in the piece is about asking it to do so. It's such an impossible thing to imagine doing, but something that I experienced for years. I was angry with myself for going through that, I was angry with them for everything they did, and i put it all in that illustration. It was genuinely one of the most healing illustrations ive ever made, and i officially ended the relationship soon after.

With all illustrations there really is more to it than can be said with a blanket explanation like that. But the major emotional force was driven by those things, if that makes sense? I am glad people can connect to this piece or see themself in their own way, however they interpret it. I've had people say they feel seen with it, or that its satisfying to them, and it fills my heart so much that it aches. As i said before, its bittersweet, but so meaningful to me.

I wrote this earlier today and while reviewing the draft I see how messy it is, but I'm going to post anyways! I apologize if it's incoherent- it's hard to tall about complex emotions like that. And due to how personal it is (the most personal I've ever been online I think) I'll delete it sometime in the future. Anyways, thank you again for reaching out about it! I don't get a chance to talk about my work very often. ♡

Thank you anyone who ready all that as well!

[dragpinkman]

opinion on blended movie . i have seen this movie way too many times against my will

because of this ask i started watching it for the first time so you're getting a fresh review 👍 im just going to add to this as i watch.

⚠️ LONG POST (sorry)

first 5 min its eh not too bad, honestly i watched one of the worst adam sandler movies ever last night so everything seems fine its like eating cheap canned soup after only eating rotten food for a day. i like drew barrymore generally so im some what optimistic for her character.

i spoke too soon, it is not improving. this plot is extremely predictable i can tell its enemies to lovers very fanfic troupe whatever everything doesn't have to be groundbreaking cinema but it feels lazy. it has quite a few good actors so thats a plus?

my least favorite bit so far is the 12 (?) year old boy with a crush on the babysitter. i know thats normal it happens but the whole way of addressing it is unfunny jerking off humor yk. also not a continuing thing but i thought the period jokes were strange bc they're just inaccurate, its strange to me that two actresses were backing up that tampon size correlates to pussy size and that when your older you stretch out, its literally that frank iero meme the what pussy size are you- i didnt know people actually believed that lol. also another thing thats very typical for these type of movies were the lesbian jokes about the main character and her friend, it felt like it was going on too long. the joke seems like a one off comment adams character would make not a 3 minute convo yk. i personally didnt find it offensive but it was just long and unfunny, to be fair last night i watched the most stereotype of a movie besides zohan so far.

ooo terry cruz hes in this one as well. i like him too so again i hope his character turns out ok. nothing really to say about them going to africa, very predictable and you immediately find out what happened no suspense. the boy jokes about his daughters are a bit strange, short hair on women is not uncommon in south africa? in 2015 which i assume is around when the movie takes place it wasnt a wild concept, a ton of south african women have short hair and every other hair length. i dont get it. anyways.

ok some american guy made the joke too. i think all these people are stupid, bella thorne just dresses casual and has short hair.

can you tell i forgot everyones names, this is not very memorable.

ew ew i hate the teen boy sorry. hes so eugh. putting on a fake accent and finding his mom hot, bro get help. atleast the people around him are calling him out on it but. 😐

NOOO THEY'RE GOING TO GIVE HER A "GIRL" MAKEOVER DAMN IT WHY. she likes it more thats fine but i hate when this always happens in movies I wish for once they'd do an opposite makeover where they go from feminine to masculine. she really just said "the boys at school think im a lesbian but not the hot kind". why does this movie have so many lesbian and "she looks like a man" jokes.

i cant believe im only halfway done. im really wondering the conflict of this movie, or does nothing happen?

her makeover is fine im glad she likes it but i still dont appreciate the casual clothes short hair slander smh. and why is adam sandlers character so mad like shes 15 bro let her figure herself out.

i feel like drew is doing a lot of motherly stuff and really getting close with the girls but adam did like one thing with one son so far.

the scenes with not a lot of talking and them just doing stuff isn't too bad, it kinda feels like a vacation ad ha.

ok hes doing a bit more now. the oldest boy is still so annoying sorry. its almost over right.

drew barrymore looks so pretty in that dress, and terry cruz has a nice singing voice. wow i think we aren't getting conflict. huh. where are they going to pull out an argument for this. wish i was stargazing rn.

ok i hit it i think, the conflict is just that he isn't ready to move past his dead wife? why cant they just wait. oh hi shaq.

ew wait no i hit the conflict, so her ex husband is insecure and lying. cool. sad adam leaving the house music. im cringing at her ex flirting with her blegh. can they just figure this out already he lied adam likes you get together the end.

slay adam and his kids showed up for the ball game. are they going to get past the misunderstanding yet. this part of the movie isn't too bad it could be the joy of only 7 minutes left.

why did the kids just call each others parents hot. ok.

yipee its the end thank you terry.

...

well its not the worst movie ive seen, but its not one i would rewatch either, it feels very early 2000s so im suprised it was made so recently. i would say overall its a 5/10 on the sandler scale, nowhere near as bad as zohan or ridiculous 6 but not as good as say bedtime story*.

*i wouldn't give that one a perfect rating or even an 8 but it falls on the better side of the scale rather than the negative

ok im done writing i wonder if this will be read to the end. hi if you are still reading 👋

[cornfarm]

summertime cicadas

saiki kusuo x reader

word count: 1.6k

synopsis: you go to saiki’s place to play some video games. saiki learns a bit about your dirty laundry.

cw: suggestions of past sexual abuse. it’s not explicitly stated but it’s heavily implied.

genre: fluff, hurt/comfort

reader is gender neutral!

===================================================

notes:

i’ve had this sitting in my drafts for a few weeks now, but i was never happy with it.

it’s implied that you and saiki are in week 2-4 of dating;;;

i have some other stuff in the works but im tired so notes r boring today

enjoy waaaaaa

===================================================

When Saiki and you were left alone together, the tension that hung in the air was fun and playful. Coy glances, the heart jittering brushes of skin, and the almost knowing smiles you two would shoot each other. This time around, it was heavy, and it weighed hefty on both your shoulders.

It was your first time over at his place since you had begun dating.

You had texted him: can i come over? i bought a new game i wanna play it with u

He was very happy you decided to make the first move, he didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. 

Immediately, the “devlivered” at the corner of your text changed to “read”. He hastily typed back: Sure, let me know when you’re here. My parents aren’t home.

You saw letters on your screen, but you squinted your eyes shut upon them entering your field of vision. You had thrown your phone across the room, too nervous to look at his response. Tentatively picking it up, your heart nearly exploded at his words. You quickly respond: okay! be there soon :)

Saiki suddenly felt a bit on edge, realization finally striking him that you were about to be in his presence. In his bedroom. Alone. 

Saiki Kusuo never really felt things too intensely, so to feel it strike at his heart and stomach was almost a bit too much for his liking. 

Saiki wound up sitting patiently at the dining room table, using his telekensis to pick things up, rearrange ornaments and fine china, and clean up trash. The last thing he wants is you coming over when the place is a mess.

The doorbell rang, not that he needed it to know you were here. Beckoning you in, you pull out a small disc box from your bag. 

“I heard really good reviews from it. I was interested in it since I liked the art style but I wanted to wait until people played it and reviews came out before I committed.”

He takes it from your hands to inspect it, “I’m not super interested in recent games, I like older ones a bit more. Indie ones too. I’ve heard that the gameplay is really compelling.”

“That’s okay, we can still play together, right?” You almost look a bit nervous. Saiki gnawed at the inside of his lip.

“Sure,” you don’t look satisfied, “I don’t mind, doing things with you is nice.”

The content expression on your face satisfies him. You follow him upstairs.

Then the tension settles. You’re so close, the pleasant floral scent from your detergent lingering where you walk. He peers behind you as you take in his room: simple, clean, minimalistic. It’s painfully in character. You smile, flopping face down on his bed.

“I’ve only ever been here with everyone else, it was so lively then, but it’s so different when it’s quiet!” You situate yourself so you’re sitting at the edge of his bed, legs dangling off the side.

“It’s the same room.”

“Yeah but, now it’s just me and you.”

“I suppose so.”

You watch as he peers to the wall, a bit away from you.

“What, you’re not nervous are you? Do I make you, THE Saiki Kusuo nervous?”

He clicks his tongue, and begins stalking towards you. He stops right in front of you, shins nearly touching the mattress of his bed. He looks down, expression deadpanned like usual. Perhaps thats precisely why you got so flustered. Your hands coming to clasp politely in your lap, you look up at him, determined to hold eye contact.

“Mhm,” he smirks, “you do. What will you do about it?”

He watches as your lips part into a small ‘o’, before you turn your head down and begin to pout. He’ll spare you this time. The small proximity between you settles in; he should get out of here, nervousness is finally catching up, it’s a bit too much for him to handle. For such a cocky one-liner, he really can’t keep it together. He exits his room for a moment with a brief “wait here”.

He hears you let out a sigh down the hall. Taking the chance to inspect his belongings, you peer under his bed, nothing suspicious there, before making your way to his desk. There’s his computer, a nice leather desk chair, a lamp, and a small empty mug that holds pens, pencils, and highlighters. You thumb through them.

He re-enters his room, quietly opening the door, but just enough so where you hear. Outstreching his arm, he hands you a bottle of iced tea.

“This is,” inspecting the label, “you don’t usually drink these, right?”

Saiki stays quiet.

“So you got it for me? You remembered I liked it?” 

He nods.

You beam at him, mutter your gratitude, and pull out the games box.

Placing the disc onto the disc reader, and pushing it in, you start up the game, and watch the intro animation. 

“Yeah, the graphics are really nice,” he comments.

You adjust yourself, sitting on top a cushion on the floor, he moves a bit closer. 

Skipping though dialog, tutorials, and the first few levels of the game, Saiki controller finally begins responding. 

“I’m sorry, I thought the multiplayer feature would be available from the start.”

“It’s okay, you can pick first”

“Hmm...” you pause, brows furrowing in focus as you look through the different player avatar options. Finally, you turn to him and smile, “this one! Your turn.”

Saiki bites at the inside of his lip, again, moving his thumb over the joystick, he picks his avatar.

It’s nice, it’s quiet, the sound of cicada’s chirping outside his bedroom window, and the soft hum of his fan are gentle. Neither of you are talking about grand things like aspirations and inhibitions, but you didn’t have to. The soft, casual tone of conversation is something Saiki’s making sure to cherish. The game’s fun, Saiki is enjoying himself, he enjoys you. 

But tension still looms heavy overhead. You aren’t the only one who was thinking about it, how close you two were, how your elbows kept bumping, the small,and the way you both tried to get just a millimeter closer.

Saiki knew what you wanted, but he couldn’t pull himself to take initiative. Why? Was nervousness just another curse set out to plague him?

He’s reading your mind, he knows without a doubt you want to, so why is he so nervous to reach out and touch you? He wants to run away.

“Saiki?”

Your voice broke his thoughts, he turns to you. “Are you okay?”

He does it without thinking, slowly placing the controller down and putting his palms on your shoulders. 

“I’m just not used to this,” he finally says, “like, dating and all that.”

You wrap your fingers around his wrists, “that’s okay, I’ve never dated anyone either, we can just take it slow. We have time.” You reassure, “I’m nervous too,” voice smaller than before. He lifts his hands off, hovering them in front of you, debating on where he should put them. Should he put them back on your shoulders, or would that be weird? Maybe it’s okay if he takes your hands into his, but right now your hands are...

His vision finally focuses, and he looks at your hands, defensively positioned in front of your chest with your palms facing him. You’re looking at him with a half smile, but your brows are pursed down. You’re watching him very carefully.

Your thoughts still, pausing until he moves again, taking your hands in his own. He’s confused, why do you look so skittish?

You look visibily confused that he takes your hands. He’s granted one thought:

He’s not gonna do anything, see? He’s just holding my hands, that’s it. He’s not gonna do anything.

Do what? What do you mean? Do what?

“What do you mean?” He blurts out, voice ringing through your head.

Astonishment paints your face. Shit, you didn’t think you said anything out loud. Could he read your mind? He chooses not to say anything.

You shake your arms, he retracts his hands.

“I’ve just had bad experiences with people in the past, I got nervous, that’s all. I’m sorry.”

Oh. Your internal dialog isn’t as pleasant as the words you choose to say. 

“Maybe I’ll tell you about it more in the future,” you still have the strength to smile at him?

He reaches out to touch you again, but never connecting. He hesitates this time, fingers hovering over your forearm. 

“I’m not really interested in that sort of stuff. I wouldn’t do that to you. I won’t do that to you,” he corrects.

With a smile pained with melancholy, you shift yourself forward, wrapping your arms around his torso, burying your face into his shoulder, legs finding their way between his. He wastes no time wrapping his own arms around your back, pressing your chest closer to his own. Your hearts pound against each other, breathing syncing as you both exhale a sigh. 

“I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I know,” your voice is muffled. 

You stay like that for a few moments. Cicada’s chirping, fan blowing, there’s nothing to say- the silence is comforting in it’s own way.

You finally pull away from him, voice much brighter, “but I’m not ready to kiss you yet, I think my heart would explode!” He flushes red. Adjusting to sit back onto the cushion, you lean your weight onto his side. He tension has finally settled, and Saiki sighs contently. 

Saiki only uses his powers in ways to convinience himself. Fortunately, keeping you safe was more than convinient to him: it was the bare minimum- an absolute necessity. 

As soon as you leave, he’ll find the bastards that did it. 

[hollyhomburg]

Okay now that I’ve reread the chapter three times I think I finally have my thoughts in place!

First of all li, your writing is absolutely you beautiful, it’s so sensual and sexy while comforting and humorous, how you balance it out is beyond me.

I loved the lead up to the scene, everybody’s excited and jittery but you never get the feeling that anyone wants to back out. The way you described jungkooks reliance on the collar was something I never thought of and kind of put a different perspective on his personality!

The start of the scene was so gradual but just the right amount of spice, jks tiny dick being called a clit and the absolute shame he felt was sooo good,, I also was very pleased when we got a lil sneak peek of yoongis rope addiction, the way he immediately got up to help like that was his duty and his duty only.

I really loved the part when m/c asked if jk had ever cum from getting his hole slapped and Jin forced him to reply himself, I can picture in my head how blissed out he was and just waiting for more. Don’t even get me started on joon and yoongis lil staring contest while pleasing their omegas, that scene got me 🥵🥵,, I can almost see their lil smirks and not even paying attention to their hands, just staring each other down.

And joons monster dick?! Chefs kiss, absolute perfection! The way they all immediately stopped and focused on m/c when she zoned out, made my heart squeeze, they care about her so much 😭 everything was so light hearted until joon said “you like it omega?” And that shit had me GONE, fertile and ready to be bred

I’ve been waiting for yoongi to participate in sexual activities with the boys and while this wasn’t exactly what I had in mind it was pure perfection, fucking her thighs was such a lil treat, thank you for that li 💜 and when mc finally came so hard and had to hold on to Jinnie I was like awwwww but also 🥵🥵🥵

When joon finally got a taste of m/c’s addictive slick I was so enthralled, been waiting for that one. The way he was absolutely feral and growling for more, licking every last drop off yoongis hand, and the fact m/c apologized for being so messy 😮‍💨

The cuddle puddle at the end and the gift of her collar was absolutely adorable and tied everything together neatly with a bow and even her asking if she had to put it in herself

I apologize for my monstrous review (pun intended) but I was in love with this chapter you deserve so much love and kisses for your hard work, good job li and thank you for your writing :)

honestly alot of writing i kind of do in the dark, i am always wracking my brain thinking if you guys will enjoy it or not or if I'm going too far with certain bits and getting too far off track with some of them. so hearing that I've blanaced it perfectly makes me feel more sure of myself as a writer!

as for the more smutty parts you mentioned ahhhhh- i love pictureing jk with the cutest little fucked out expressions, eyes all wide (you know that thing people do in comics where they put little hearts in the character's eyes while they're getting railed? THATS WHAT I PICTURE HIM LOOKING LIKE!)

i think yoongi is so worried about the m/c and her sex life with the pack that kinda similar to jin- he's willing to put his own sexual pleasure and sex life with the pack on hold until the m/c is 100 comfortable. he doesn't want his own desires to influence hers in a way? that being said, we are going to get to see yoongi one on one with some of the packmates pretty soon.

ahhhhh i love this gargantuan review (lol) seriously i never get tired of receiving comments like these! i hope you'll lookforward to the following chapters with just as much enthusiasm!

[hxneydreamers]

Hey I hope ur doing good!

I've been trying to manifest a bunch of stuff for more than a month and I've tried every technique I've seen but my desires still haven't appeared. And I've been acting as if I have them for a month and I haven't been stressing or anything yet nothing's worked out. I've decided to stop believing in manifesting and I just wanted to tell this to someone:')

Hey! Thank you!

I'm so sad to hear this.

I think (to be completely honest, please don't take offence to this, I'm just offering my advice, because I feel like you maybe don't understand manifesting completely) that actual reason it hasn't worked IS that you were trying so many different techniques.

It seems to me like you were overthinking this way too much, because there is only one way to manifest, and trying every 'technique' in the book, and 'acting as if' is literally the surest way to NOT get your desire.

I understand that you are frustrated and you feel like you have tried everything, but I think you should take a pause, take a deep breath, and review what you have done. You'll see that what you were doing was not what you were supposed to do to manifest your desires.

Also, if you can 'decide' to stop believing in manifesting, then you can 'decide' to believe it in. Your beliefs are what manifest. Not your actions or you lack of stress.

If you aren't stressing, that's good, but it doesn't do anything. The only thing that manifests is you PERSISTING IN AFFIRMING/THINKING THAT YOU HAVE YOUR DESIRE. And more important that this, FOCUSING ON YOUR SELF-CONCEPT AS A PRIORITY.

I can 100% guarantee that the reason you didn't see movement is because you were impatient (thus giving up after only a month, which is really like 3 and a half weeks), and as a result, were very likely checking the 3D and reacting to it without noticing, and most importantly, because whenever you tried a new technique, you would start from square one.

Every time you try a new technique, you are starting from the beginning. And also, if you don't use one 'technique' only and stick to it consistently, then guess what? You are not focusing on one thing. Your DOMINANT FOCUSES AND THOUGHTS ARE WHAT MANIFEST SIS! If your focus and approach is constantly shifting, then guess what? Your desire will not change, because it can only change if you CONSISTENTLY FOCUS ON THE NEW VERSION OF IT THAT YOU WANT TO EXPERIENCE, BY USING ONE METHOD.

The ONLY way to manifest your desires is to:

- Change your current beliefs about yourself and your desire by thinking as if (not act as if) your desire is already true. This means use affirmations, cancel out ANY opposing thought you have about your desire, and NOT mentally reacting to the 3D.

- Building up your self-concept by affirming for your self-concept in order to change your story, recreate yourself and become the version of yourself who HAS your desire.

You really need to remember that manifesting is not about changing anything outside of you. Manifesting is about CHANGING YOURSELF, and BECOMING THE VERSION OF YOU WHO HAS YOUR DESIRE. No, I don't mean you need to start to act like you have it, what I mean is that you need to COMPLETELY CHANGE ALL YOUR THOUGHTS about yourself and your desire to align with HAVING your desire and BEING THE PERSON WHO HAS IT! This means that the ONLT THING YOU NEED TO DO IS THINK. THATS THE ONLY TECHNIQUE YOU NEED TO USE.

Almost every time someone comes to me to manifest something, the reason they need to 'manifest it' is because they have a low self concept, OR a good self concept, but one that does not align with the person they would be if they had their desire.

What this means is this:

Let's use an example. Let's say you want to manifest an SP to love you and commit to you. Let's say you already think highly of yourself and you have good beliefs about yourself mostly, so you may feel like you already have a good self-concept. BUT for some reason, your SP just doesn't love you or commit to you in the 3D, even though you think your self-concept is good.

This means that (even though your general self concept is good), whats wrong here is that you need to address your beliefs about yourself that directly correlate to the topic of your desire.

So with the SP example, you may think that you are the most beautiful person in the world and that you are the whole package, but you may also have negative beliefs about yourself in relationships, or you may have past experiences that make you feel like, even though you are the whole package, you aren't someone who is loved and committed to for some reason. You may also have negative beliefs about your SP because of their past/current actions towards you or other people.

What you need to do is address these specific issues, because THESE are the beliefs which manifest.

This is all you need to do.

You don't need a million techniques. You don't need to act as if. You don't need to drink moon water. You don't need to get a tarot reading. You don't need to do a 55x5. You don't need to use the '369 method' or whatever it is. None of this is what manifests.

All you need to do is THINK AS IF YOU ALREADY HAVE YOUR DESIRE.

You need to train yourself to become aware of your thoughts throughout the day, and whenever you notice a thought about your desire that doesn't line up with what you want to manifest, you need to immediately cut it off as soon as you notice, and replace it with your affirmations. Affirm on a loop until you feel like you can stop. Don't look outside yourself for evidence of your desire. Don't check the 3D. Don't ask a psychic. Don't get a tarot reading. Don't ask your SP if he loves you yet. Don't check your bank account to see if you got the money yet. YOU DON'T NEED TO CHECK THE 3D IN ANY WAY, BECAUSE THE 3D IS ONLY A REFLECTION OF YOU AND YOUR INNER BELIEFS.

ALSO, girl, a month? If you were trying a million different techniques and acting as if, but approaching all these things with the mindset of 'this will get me my manifestation', then I hate to say it, but you have completely missed the point.

The point is that you aren't doing anything to GET your manifestation. Your manifestation is not something that hasn't happened yet. Your manifestation is not something that is outside of you. Your manifestation is not out of your reach. You manifestation is already done. Creation is finished. Your manifestation already exists. ALL possibilities that you can think of already exist. The only thing you need to do is STEP INTO THE VERSION OF YOURSELF THAT HAS THIS DESIRE IN THEIR 3D REALITY.

You basically need to start thinking opposite thoughts to what you are currently thinking and you need to pretty much think as if you are living in a completely different 3D than you actually are right now, because consistently thinking as if you have your desire IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL BRING YOU YOUR DESIRE.

Also, you need to be patient and allow time for everything in the 3D to shift and move to bring you your desire. You can't just do a technique and then be like 'where is it? Did it work?'. This mentality is a sure path to failiure.

Neville Goddard even said that to become the new version of yourself, you need the old version to die. (I don't have the direct quote with me right now) BUT what this means is that if you really want to manifest your desire, you have to be willing to completely abandon the current version of yourself who does not have their desire, and start creating a new version of yourself who DOES, and who is powerful and knows that they can have anyone and anything they want, because everything starts inside of you!

EVERYONE IS YOU PUSHED OUT, so nothing in your reality will change in any way until YOU change. YOU NEED TO BE THE CHANGE THAT YOU WANT TO SEE IN YOUR LIFE.

If you want your desire, you need to work on your self-concept STRICTLY. You need to prioritise working on your self-concept and only using one method. No more 'techniques'. Techniques are literally a waste of your time and will only make you more frustrated because they won't work, and if they do work, they will work slowly.

The only thing that decides if you get your desire is YOU. If YOU become the version of yourself who has it - if YOU change your SUBCONSCIOUS beliefs about yourself, your life, and your desire. This is what you need to do, and this is ALL you need to do.

I really hope that you decide to give this a proper go using the ACTUAL methods and techniques, because i can guarantee you that you will see a difference if you do it and do it properly.

I literally have clients who, when they came to me, where genuinely all over the place with 0 belief and had been trying for MONTHS with NO MOVEMENT. These were people who would come back to be reaffirming the old story literally every few hours. Fast forward literally 2 weeks after taking my instruction and cancelling out all the BS that does not work or serve them or their goals, and they have already had amazing progress and movement. AFTER MONTHS OF NOTHING.

You need to do your self-concept affirmations as a priority, affirm for your desire EVERY TIME you think of it, STAY AWARE OF YOUR THOUGHTS AND FLIP ANY NEGATIVE OR OPPOSING THOUGHTS AND AFFIRM INSTEAD, and not react to or check the 3D. This is all you need to do

If you decide to give yourself a chance and believe in yourself - because at the end of the day the only thing that decides if you manifest successfully or not is YOU, not the universe - and apply the only method you need: 'thinking as if' and you PERSIST, you WILL get your desire AND become the strongest and best version of yourself.

I really beg you to reconsider and give it a go, because I guarantee you that you were not focusing on the right things and you were so focused on the techniques that you lost sight of the only thing you needed to do, which was focus on YOURSELF and BEING (MENTALLY) THE PERSON WHO HAS YOUR DESIRE.

You don't need to 'act' as if. You don't need to try techniques. You just need to think the thoughts that you would be thinking if you already had your desire. Step into the version of yourself who has already succeeded, and PERSIST IN THIS NO MATTER WHAT. NO MATTER WHAT!

NO

MATTER

WHAT!

You will be successful if you do this.

I'm sending you all my love and support and I realllyyyyyyyyyy hope that you decide to do it. I would much rather you be bettering yourself and improving your self-concept, whilst simultaneously getting your desires, than giving up and letting yourself fall victim to your 3D circumstances and negative beliefs.

Best wishes and good vibes. You can do this. If I can, you can. If my clients can, so can you. <3

[fizzingwizard]

Go ahead y’all ask me how I am... do it, I DARE you... after Digimon Adventure: episode 50 - the 1999 equivalent of which, I feel compelled to mention, was “Jou’s Battle,” when Taichi strategically splits his group apart with the goal of gathering the whole team for the final confrontation - I think my emotional state can best be described like this:

meme so funny haha

but the truth is I’m very sad. I just can’t with this show anymore. I don’t know if I’ll continue to review future episodes. Actually, as I was watching this one, I thought it was the final episode, even though I knew there were supposed to be more and it hadn’t been hyped as the finale at all. I just thought, “What else can they do after this? It seems like the kind of ending this shitshow would get. At least it will be a relief to not watch it every week anymore.”

However, let’s be clear that this is NOT the finale. I’m gonna watch till the very end, but idk if I have it in me even to make these depressing little reviews. At first it was fun, then it was meh... I held out and the show got fun again, but the last month or so have been such a drag. And this week’s episode is just the final straw. So we’ll see.

Anyway real episode review below the cut. Warning: I hated everything except for Taichi’s face so it’s mostly caps of him.

Pic of the day:

“At this rate... I’m gonna request a transfer to Boruto...” /Sanpei Yuuko joke

More below

Last week big bad Millenniumon appeared to be resurrected. Here he is.

Totally lacking a clear motivation other than “destroy the world...” Even in appearance, ALL of Devimon’s evolutions mid-season were WAY scarier.

Turns out Taichi and Agumon have faceplanted on this hunk of rock, which immediately breaks off and sends them catapulting earthward.

Wind noise what? Taichi and Agumon encourage each other while freefalling.

Agumon: Hey shouldn’t we have broken every bone in our bodies by now

Taichi: I once broke my leg tripping over Hikari’s hairbrush. This is starting to seem silly.

Meanwhile the others awaken inside what Tailmon explains is a cut-off dimension created by Millenniumon, where they will eventually fall into a dreamless sleep forever and ever.

Millenniumon’s power is immense and he makes volcanos erupt. So his power is he gives the earth digital acne.

Yamato evolves MetalGarurumon and stars just attacking the walls (of... the endless void... lol). This appears to slow Millenniumon down in a total rip-off of the way cooler way Koushirou slowed Diaboromon down in Our War Game.

The Holy Digimon are inspired by Taichi’s courage to fight wheeee I didn’t realize they were having problems with that

no kidding

Taichi fights a lot and escapes certain death a lot. Even when he and WarGreymon take a head-on hit and are sent spiraling into the ocean. Still fine because THE POWER OF BELIEF

Chumbawumba: I get knocked down but I get up again you’re never gonna keep me down

WarGreymon is able to knock the black ball thingy out of Millenniumon’s mouth. This is fortunate because it’s what contains Yamato and friends and now they are able to free themselves thanks to the Holy Digimon, who randomly start acting like the Crests are important. But since we don’t know what they are *cough* they just call them “everyone’s hopes!”

Now let’s interrupt my mocking to appreciate an adorable Taichi waking up face:

Alll the d’aaaaawwwww

... Aaaand his back is broken x’DDD

The HolyDigimon have evolved to Ultimate level! More on that later. First, they divided the group in halves with them, because because. Hikari gets Taichi, Sora, and Koushirou, and Takeru gets Yamato, Jou, and Mimi.

So yes... those Ultimate evolutions... Tailmon becomes Magnadramon and Patamon becomes... GODDRAMON, GOD OF STEELY ABS

no seriously thats all I could think. Magnadramon is all soft and fluffy looking and then Goddramon is like “I HAVE SMALL HEAD HUGE BODY ABS ABS UNTIL KINGDOM COME, VERY MACHO”

He punches Millenniumon in the mouth, of course.

Millenniummon considerately starts to melt. Thank you, Millenniumon. We wouldn’t want Goddramon’s ego to get bruised.

There’s a few good attacks here - I liked Magnadramon’s Apocalypse attack - but like who even cares. The animation is so half-assed that there’s nothing really to appreciate.

Just when it seems Millenniumon’s defeated, he comes back like... this. It’s enormous. Even Koushirou’s digimon analyzer doesn’t know what it is.

Lopmon does though!

bahahaha

but wait what’s this

sparks! are they fireflies????

no they are the hopes and wishes of all the Digimon we’ve met on our journey! how lovely and inspiring! what are they saying?

hopes and wishes: I DONT WANNA DIE I DONT WANNA DIE I DONT WANNA DIE

now I shall spam Taichi looking adorable while being as cliche as an anime protagonist can get.

Good heavens, WHY. WHY WHY WHY. I looooooove Taichi (obviously) but WHY is he the one fighting here?? First it was Taichi, then it was Goddramon/Magnadramon, and now it’s... back to Taichi??? FOR WHAT REASON???

I mean the reason is, we don’t know anyone else well enough to cheer for them the way we cheer for Taichi. As cool as the Holy Digimon are meant to be, I guess the one thing the producers realized is that, uh, they’ve only spent time building up Taichi (and even that, while they’ve done a lot of it, they haven’t done it well).

Kinda cool death scene.

Our heroes wake up no worse for the wear. Millenniumon is gone. Everyone is together and happy. I’m just spamming Taichi again.

his face when Mimi gives him the corsage

Taichi: “Wtf, what is this, is this supposed to mean something??? also didn’t we see this burn to a crisp a few frames ago??”

And we end with a blue sky, which is both the most beautifully animated frame as well as the most Digimon Adventure-like scene in the entire episode -____-

So, like I said, I was all prepared for this to be the inauspicious ending, despite what I’d heard about the number of episodes. But nope, there’s more. Although I’m frustrated beyond belief, I’m somewhat relieved because this does mean there’s still potential to recover somewhat from this utter train wreck of a battle. The big problem is that Millenniumon is a TERRIBLE villain.

The other problem is that the show HASN’T been terrible the whole time. It’s been up and down a lot, but the ups were very much there, and they gave us some stuff I found pretty interesting. Like, I really wanted to know more about what the heck went down between Taichi and DoneDevimon - the fact that only Yamato has any idea about it (Takeru too but he’s a baby) hasn’t been addressed. Then there’s the connections between Devimon and Angemon, SkullKnightmon and Tailmon. Those have been addressed, technically, but they left sooo much room for more.

Then there’s things like the kids’ family situations - my guess is we’ll end up back in the human world at some point quite soon - which were hinted at back when most of the team was exiled to the human world. Really want to see that expanded on.

Mosty of all, what gave me any positive vibes about this reboot at all was the first three episodes, which were pretty good overall - did a lot of things different but still preserved what I felt was most important. We saw Koushirou coming into his own, Yamato being standoffish and slowly opening up, and Taichi being the glue that keeps things together. Those first three episodes are arguably better than the rest of the show combined. And I bet it’s no coincidence that they predate covid-19 (sort of - I mean, covid was already a thing and around, Japan just hadn’t started caring much about it yet).

Episode 4 is when we started hitting misteps, and that’s also when the show went on brief hiatus due to covid. It never got back what made those first three episodes so promising, even during the highs.

I’ll make a list of the things I liked sometime, but I suppose the main points are the ones I mentioned above, plus the arc with Ogremon, and the kids getting new evolutions not seen in 99 Adventure (well, by “kids” I mostly mean Taichi tho - but I thought it meant everyone would get them. Technically, Takeru just did.)

So yeah. I’m  so done with this show and the things is, I just love Digimon Adventure so much, it meant so much to me as a kid. I didn’t expect the same show. I think my expectations were set at a reasonable level, though I knew I had to be cautious about comparing the now and the before too much. This show just hasn’t been able to live up to 99 Adventure, but that’s not even my issue - it’s that it doesn’t live up to other current children’s cartoons either. It’s got no heart. Just think about that, Digimon has got no heart. It’s literally all about the connection between kids and their partners, kids and their friends, kids and their families, and it has no heart! That is failure. It says to me that something got confused in production - there wasn’t enough money, or there was too much staff turnover thanks to covid, etc, and people just lost sight of the story they were planning to tell.

That’s what I think happened. It can’t be fixed at this point, but I’ll still watch till the end and hope for the best. At least maybe I’ll get more Taichi pics to spam.

I probably need to rewatch 99 Adventure soon to get my soul back.

Next week, apparently the Crests will finally matter. My hope is that this whole debacle with Millenniumon is gonna turn out to have been a cover for something much bigger and less boring going on. Millenniumon didn’t even get a villain monologue. He reminded me of the way Mugendramon had been somewhat, more like a puppet than his own person. Makes me wonder if the Vademon were up to more than simply resurrecting a vanquished evil. Here’s hoping.

[ahsoka-lives]

Iris pt. 3

Part 3 of my Inquisitor!Cal series!!

A/n: I’ve decided on a series name!! Im calling it Iris because thats what fake moon they live on lmao. Thank you sm for all the love on parts one and two, it means so much to me. I will try to keep posting updates frequently for my sake and yours :) also this gif is by @sovahunter​ !!

Warnings: Using the force mildly inappropriately, things get a lil handsy but nothing serious yet.

Word Count: 3k

  The sun was beginning to go down on the moon. There were only a few hours before you were meant to meet with Cal for dinner. You sat in your office in the maintenance hall filling out the completion forms from your appointments. You found yourself taking your time and looking for any way to drag out the time. Maybe you could give him a rain-check, say you got caught up with work? 

Yes, that’s perfect. You wouldn’t be turning him down necessarily, you’d just be postponing so there would no reason for him to be upset or disappointed, right? You nod to yourself and place your papers into your bag. 

“BD-5, are you there?” You say into your comlink. 

“Yes, y/n. What is it?” 

“I’ll be there soon, would you mind getting dinner started? Oh and are you up for a movie tonight BD? My plans have uh, changed.” Your voice becomes quiet as you go on. 

“You are exceedingly predictable, Y/n, I’ve already begun dinner.” 

“I don’t remember programming you to analyze behavior“ You retort as you exit your office.

You giggle and shake your head. Your companion was your closest friend on the base and listened very well when you ranted about your problems, including earlier that day about the Inquisitor. 

The halls of the base were quiet as they usually were at the end of the day. As you neared the training room you came to a halt. What if Cal was in there again? If you run into him, you couldn’t rely on yourself to talk your way out of dinner. BD-5 was to send a note to him explaining that you had too much work to do and couldn’t join him tonight. 

You decide it’d be best to take the long route to the living quarters and avoid the risk. You head toward the building exit, there was a stairwell for the service workers that led to a large bridge that you could access and get to the living quarters without having to pass any officers or Inquisitors. 

The bridge had large windows that overlooked one of the landing pads that held personal ships making easy access for when an emergency calls. The echo of your shoes hitting the smooth concrete filled the bridge, there was a peacefulness that came with the vacancy. The vents allowed for the sounds of the waves crashing to flow inside with the mist of saltwater. 

You pause for a moment and take in the view, only to be interrupted by the whirring of an imperial ship coming down onto the landing pad below you. You were several floors up but the ship still looked massive. It was a newer model of the tie fighter, with nearly transparent wings and more black detailing than silver. Whoever was inside was lucky to have it, or just skilled enough to have earned it. 

Against your better judgment, you decide to wait for the pilot to exit. There was still dust settling around the ship as the cockpit opened. Time seemed to have slowed with your anticipation. 

Inquisitor combat gear head to toe stepped onto the black sand. You stood in awe of the confidence and power that radiated off of the individual standing below you. A helmet covered their face and head as they marched forward toward the pad guards. 

The guards bowed their heads slightly to the Inquisitor before handing them a small holo-communicator. You hadn’t made out what the communicator was showing and your attention was taken from it before you could. A small and familiar BD unit was hopping toward the Inquisitor. 

Then it clicked. 

It was Cal.

Your eyes snapped toward the Inquisitor who had given the communicator back to the guards and began to remove his helmet. Cal turned to face his companion and the two seemed to be having an exchange. 

Cal’s arm abruptly shot out and reached into the empty air. A few seconds later a small cylindrical piece of metal caught in his hand, his saber. He stood completely still for a moment and his head bowed slightly with his eyes closed as if he was saying a prayer but you knew better than to think the man was praying. 

His head tilted slightly and a small smirk crept onto his face. An empty hand rose and gestured toward the cliffs, reaching once more before closing into a fist. His eyes were still shut as his fist raised, reopened, and two fingers gestured in an upward motion directly at you.

You covered your mouth to stifle your gasp, which was useless as it was clear that he knew of your presence. You backed away from the windows and tried to collect yourself. Adrenaline was coursing through your veins, how long had he known you were watching him again? 

Your thoughts were interrupted by something fluttering inside the bridge from a vent. You felt your curiosity pique as it was carried to you by the wind, hovering right in front of you before dropping to the floor. 

Resting in perfect condition at your feet was a flower. 

- 

Cal pulled his helmet back onto his head and looked to the window he sensed you at moments before. He waited a moment before allowing BD-1 to jump onto his place by his shoulder. 

He hoped you liked your gift, he knows you hadn’t seen any of flowers in a long time. Most don’t know of the flora covering the stretches of the land beyond the facility, and for good reason, the fauna was territorial and most are not as prepared to defend themselves. 

He was disappointed in you for canceling dinner but he certainly wasn’t surprised. After all, when he saw you last that morning he had been quite forward with you. He also knew that he couldn’t rely on you to be as forward with him, you were afraid of him. However, he couldn’t help but he enjoy the fear he inspired. But he didn’t want it to be that way for long, his plan was to turn that fear into something else that would be much more enjoyable. 

“What am I going to do about our little stalker, BD?” He was asking himself more than his droid. If you really were busy with work he wouldn’t want to disturb you but he was sure you made it up. Of course, there was no way to tell from the message since your droid spoke in it and the robotic voice held no trace of inconsistency that would indicate a lie. 

Maybe he just had to see for himself.

-

You seemed to have gotten to the elevators before Cal, you’re surprised, to say the least. Upon entering your apartment you immediately head to your room, not wanting to explain the flower or your flustered appearance to your droid. You sigh loudly and look at the flower still in your hand. 

Why was it still in your hand? 

Truthfully, you loved it. You didn’t even know there were flowers on this moon and since it came from him... well let’s just say it felt important. You carefully place it into your bedside table before going to your washroom. You splash the cool water onto your face and calm yourself down. You probably won’t see him until the start of the next work week in two days. 

You pause at the sound of voices coming from behind the two doors blocking you from the main living area. Maybe BD-5 had the television on. You shrug it off and dry your hands before making your way to the kitchen. Once you opened the bedroom door, the voices ceased. 

Your droid appeared in front of you

“Y/n, I told him to wait outside but he insisted on entering. I see what you meant by ‘He has no sense of boundaries!’” BD-5 hurriedly explain.

For a moment you were confused until you remembered 'He has no sense of boundaries’ was something you said to BD-5 about Cal. 

Cal, the Inquisitor who you cancelled dinner plans with. Cal who you just ran from again. Cal who was comfortably sitting on your couch staring at you. Yes, that Cal. 

“ ’No sense of boundaries’ is actually a direct quote from my last performance review.” He chuckled and put his hand on his chest in mock exasperation. “I’m a little hurt, though.” 

You sat there in shock at the Inquisitor sitting in your home as if it was his own, arms stretched, legs relaxed, now in his regular clothing. When did he even have time to change? 

“Oh, you get used to changing quickly when you have less than 60 seconds to be ready for a mission.” He chimed, bringing you out of your thoughts.

“Get out of my head.” You snapped. 

His eyebrows raised and a smirk came over his handsome face. He raised his hand and flicked his wrist. 

You winced expecting something to smack you in the head, only to turn and see BD-5 leaving the two of you. 

“Relax, I don’t want to hurt you” He stood up and took a step toward you. “I was disappointed to hear you can’t be with me tonight so I thought I’d stop by and see you for a few minutes.” He spoke so kindly. 

Your heart swelled at his apparent thoughtfulness and you almost felt bad for telling him you were too busy.

“Th-that’s very sweet of you, Cal.” You stuttered out as you tried to remain as calm as possible. He was just back from some kind of mission and obviously still on high alert. 

“Why are you doing that again? Is there something you don’t want me to know, flower?” He was speaking so gently now, it didn’t match who you saw minutes ago on the platform. 

“Doing what?” You asked, playing dumb once again. It was now that you noticed he had taken several steps toward you and your heart jumped. You nonchalantly turned and walked into the kitchen, knowing he would follow. 

He huffed and rolled his eyes, ‘so that’s is how we’re playing this’, he thought to himself. He followed you into your kitchen where you had put your island between the two of you. 

“Why are you trying to keep your thoughts about me hidden from me? It must be tiring to put all that effort into keeping me out of that pretty little head of yours.” He decided he would play along, that is until he becomes bored. “I haven’t even tried to pry my way in yet, do you think you could keep me out if I did?”

“I-I probably not.” You nearly choked out. His eyes were burning into you now and you felt like you could faint. He was right, it was draining to be tightly wound for so long. 

“Probably?” He scoffed playfully and almost showed you a full smile. “That’s really cute, flower. You know I can take what I want when I want it.” 

Your heart must’ve given out. At first, from the compliment that made your face burn slightly from blushing, then again with his second statement. You knew he could take what he wanted in more ways than one and it made you feel a different kind of weak.

“Why can’t you just ask me what you want to know instead of looking for it in my head?” You were surprised at how brave you were being and there was no turning back now. 

“Will you be honest with me? Or did you want BD-5 to come back in and lie on your behalf?” He thought that would stun you for a moment and he was right. You stood there, eyes opened a little wider, mouth agape, processing his words once again. 

“That’s what I thought. You know, I’m not mad, flower, I’m just disappointed.” He tsked and leaned his back against the counter. “When will you learn that you can’t keep things from me? Or is the better question, How?” 

“H-how?” You could admit, you were scared. But you couldn’t ignore the arousal swelling inside of you from him being so forward. You couldn’t help but think that he was similarly assertive elsewhere. His lips were pinkish red and it looked like there was a small cut on it, maybe from today’s mission. Wondering what they felt like against your skin was probably, no, definitely not what you should have been thinking about but you couldn’t catch the thought from coming forward in your head. 

“Yes, y/n. How will you ever learn?” His voice was low and steady, his eyes still on you only now they looked different. His normal green was tinted lightly with yellow. 

You opened your mouth to question it when his hand raised and his wrist flicked to the side once again. This time you didn’t flinch, instead, you watched in near amazement to see what he did. Only, what he did was not something that called for amazement.

The door to the kitchen slid shut and locked. Your eyebrows raised and you looked at him again, only to find he was now only steps ahead of you. You felt a small panic ensue and start to move to the other side of the island, hoping to make space between the two of you, only to feel two strong hands grip your waist and pull you back. 

You let out a small yelp as you’re set onto the countertop with Cal standing in between your legs. Your breathing is all too heavy as you place a hand on his chest and one on the counter to balance yourself. 

“Is this so bad?” He coos and gently moves a piece of hair from your face. 

“N-no, n-not at all.” You felt frozen in place, unsure of his next move. His eyes still have a light yellow sheen over the iris and you’re just about to ask when his thumb moves to caress your cheek. His hands were soothing but slightly rough,  you assumed from time spent with his saber. Stunned, you stay silent and watch his face for any signs of what he might do next. 

He then gently moves your chin up to make you meet his eyes and moves two fingers to press to your temple. Your body runs cold as the realization hits you. 

“Now, are you going to let me in, or am I letting myself in?” He growled lowly, his other hand on your waist holding you steady. 

You didn’t know what else to do besides, you definitely did not want him poking around in your head so you closed your eyes and tried your best to clear everything out, just like Trilla taught you. But you were no force-sensitive warrior. No, one of those was standing against you with his fingers pressed to your temple. 

He really should commend Trilla for her teaching effort, but he was sure she didn’t tell you that some force users are especially gifted in mind reading. Usually this would hurt whoever was on the receiving end but Cal was better at it than most.

“You need to relax, flower, or it may hurt.” He muttered. 

You felt the idea of letting him in creep forward in your mind and it was all too tempting. Was this a mind trick? Wait, did he say it’d hurt?

Suddenly a soft kiss was pressed to the side of your neck, then another, and another. Your hand pressed into his chest and grabbed his shirt in your fist. He hummed against your neck before his hand left it’s place at your temple. You relaxed for a moment and closed your eyes feeling content, his lips were soft and warm against your skin. You would never expect him to be so gentle. You moved your hand up to his hair as he continued peppering kisses to your neck and slightly exposed shoulder.

And as quickly as it came, the moment left. Your hands were suddenly moved behind your back to support you, only this wasn’t you. Your eyes flew open and a gasp left your mouth as his teeth dug into your neck. Two fingers returned to your temple as he sucked a mark onto your skin, as if to distract from the pressure he was applying to your temple. And distract it did, your mind was left vulnerable and all it took was a light push to open up for him.

He pulled away from your neck to look into your hazy eyes. He read through your many, many thoughts of him as you stared back into his, unable to move. His eyes were now nothing short of golden and it would’ve caused a shocked reaction if you didn’t feel so dazed. Him being in your head felt good, like a spice high.

He hummed again and a small smile formed on his lips. Who knew you could have such inappropriate thoughts of him. Having gotten what he came for, he released his hold on your mind and body. Knowing you would be weak from the high, he moved to support you.

He hooked an arm under your knees and one behind your shoulders. This time, with only the movement of his eyes, the kitchen door slid back open. He carried you to your bed and laid you down, noticing you had fallen asleep in his arms. He stilled for a moment and took note of how you furrowed your brows slightly even in your sleep.

You were so cute.

He pulled the covers over you and placed a kiss to your forehead.

As he turned to leave he felt a pull back toward the bed. Against his deepest wishes, it wasn’t you. It was something in your bedside table. A small part of him thought about respecting your privacy before remembering that he really didn’t care.

Sliding open the drawer, he didn’t know what he was expecting but he felt almost relieved by what he found.

“Good girl.” He muttered before shutting the drawer again and leaving you to dream of him again. 

[soulwillower]

A hc of stan being a teacher or professor (smut) -🐙

yes i have thought about this so much, like an unhealthy amount, oh my god (nsfw warning)

ok so sure, theres prof!stan 

but.... think about TA!stan

like, early-mid 20′s grad student who is the teacher’s assistant for one of your lectures

and ur in his recitation

(recitations - like study groups but u get a grade and its where u turn in most homework and u review the class content, they're taught by the TAs with smaller groups of students which makes it more intimate)

so..... ;)

i feel like it’d be a calc course

 or a history lecture 

something like that

and ur first class w him... u almost die

bc ta’s arent required to be super professional like profs

 but stan still is

wearing rly sexy button downs and ahh fuck

he is so hot 

so u def call him sir as a joke once u get familiar with each other

other ppl in the class laugh when u do it but when its just u and stan, 

 it makes him blush

a lot

and u notice 

so u stare at him during recitations and the lectures

he stares back a lot, sometimes w a smirk

that kills u

going to his office hours where hes much more relaxed

when he starts flirting, u pick up on it but ur not sure what it means....

u just know u like it

he can’t keep his eyes off of u 

and its very very distracting for him

u start turning in ur classwork with hearts around ur name, little notes written for him on the corners or in the comments section

ur so smart, too, and so interested in the content

he hates that he thinks the notes are adorable and makes him so excited to grade ur stuff

he also hates how badly he wants to bend you over your desk in the old classroom u use for recitations

one day, he’s had it 

bc you brought a lollipop to class and sucked on it in front of him like you weren't both adults

but he couldn't tear his eyes from ur lips as he imagined his cock between them

then hes grading ur fucking paper and on the margins u wrote “i hope this is perfect for you sir” 

that makes him choke as hes grading

u meet his eyes immediately at the noise and he can’t help himself as he sends you a smirk

so he writes “you could try harder ;)” on your paper, and as soon as he drops it off on your desk he regrets it

bc what if u told someone?

but u come to his office hours that day

and u wait ur time in line until u walk in and stan’s sitting on the desk chair

as u talk, his eyes flicker to ur exposed skin and ur curves

ur eyes linger on his neck, hair, lips, and occasionally his crotch and he catches it

makes him hard

while hes helping u with homework he comes to the other side of the desk

and then u bring up the feedback he wrote on ur paper in lecture that day

ur like “well how do i try harder, sir?”

then u say u have a few ideas but most would get u in trouble

thats so hot to him

and so he cannot help but kiss u after u say that

and then he immediately panics

bc WTF HE KISSED ONE OF HIS STUDENTS

but u grab his collar and kiss him back 

hes shocked but the adrenaline makes him nudge u against the desk and a hand to slip up ur thigh and under ur skirt

and ur moans that u try to keep quiet are so hot he almost cuts instantly

ur the same way tho bc the way he groans “y/n” just.... wow

long story short 

your rly hot TA fucks u on the desk of ur professor’s office while people wait to meet with him right outside

its so hot

 im not saying it becomes a regular thing

but thats exactly what im saying

[zelskzerker]

Mangadex went down so I read alot 6/7

Lets CONTINUE reviewing a bunch of isekai and related stuff I binged because mangadex went down. 

Yakuza Reincarnation

Chapters 1-23

THUMBS UP. [Insert isekai startup genderswap redux here] but this time the guy was an infamous yakuza. So you get to see a yakuza member yakuza it up all over an isekai world that is being slowly corrupted by demons. You get classic yakuza-style events such as dealing with drugs but this time with the isekai twist of the drugs being made by/parts of demons. Does what it says on the tin exactly with no dissappointment.

Shindou Yuusha to Maid Onee-san

Chapters 1-13

Ah yes. Chiaroscuro. A beautiful mix of ecchi and tragedy. Have the ecchi be oneshota and it is even more to my tastes. THUMBS UP. Best girl would be... Ibris.

Keizoku wa Maryoku Nari

Chapters 1-13

At first I thought it was JUST lolishota porn. Big surprise that there was actually a plot. THUMB IN UPPER CORNER.

Saikyou no Shokugyou wa Yuusha Demo Kenja Demo Naku Kanteishi (Kari) Rashii Desu yo?

Chapters 1-31

Mixed opinions. At first I was annoyed by the complete bumbling idiocy of the MC and how god just lets him win everything and the long establishment of the furry hero and little loli. Really dragged in the middle there, but this manga curries my favor went it then went on to degodly power the MC, punish him for his foolishness, and even provide small mystery hints of WHY he is like that. Still hasn’t brought back the boing boing elf so thats an immediate THUMB IN THE MIDDLE.

Sabae to Yattara Owaru

Chapters 1-10

MC wants to date a yamato nadeshiko but doesn’t realize that the bff trying to hook him up is the far superior cutie. Sabae has a round face, big boobs, powerful tomboy energy, and translation makes her use funni slang. Comparing to the popular SUGOI DEKAI, girl and guy here are more aggro towards each other. THUMBS UP.

Girlfriend Who Absolutely Doesn't Want to Take a Bath VS Boyfriend Who Absolutely Wants Her to Take a Bath

Chapters 1-17

Who doesn’t want a stinky neet-leaning gf that they have to lelouch into a bathtub? THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER.

Oddman 11

1-END

Dowman Sayman confuses me on a spiritual level. This manga has the faint feel of Yozakura Quartet, notably in the slice of life moments in the latter. No 5 is the go to best girl, but you GOTTA shoutout the madlad No. 8. No.4 and No. 11 are my favorites though probably. THUMBS UP. 

Kamitachi ni Hirowareta Otoko

Chapters 1-31

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time its a shota given OP power by gods because his real life was shitty. He is a pure-type shota, which is actually rare for isekai shota MCs. Makes for a really cute MC, ontop of him being a slime researcher to add a bit of uniqueness and rpg progression. Gotta love slimes and MC leads a literal horde of him. My favorite part however is the history of the world and the small tales of previous isekaiers and how they altered the world in some small and some big ways. I just LOVE LORE. Biggest issue is that translations seemed to stop for no reason. Shame. THUMBS UP. Actually the anime is further along and has a second season soon so MAYBE WATCH THE ANIME INSTEAD.

The Wrong Way To Use Healing Magic

Chapters 1-42

THUMBS UP. Where to start with this absolute banger. First off, don’t expect amazing high tier magic casting, or intriguing world systems. This one is about healing magic. Specifically, getting buff AF by healing your body once its busted up from way too rigorous exercise. This joke gets played alot alot. Distinct characters with memorable moments for each. My favorite is the vampire girl because duh. Heal your way to victory! 

Tensei Kizoku no Isekai Boukenroku ~Jichou wo Shiranai Kamigami no Shito~

Chapters 1-33

[Insert isekai startup here] but this time its a shota and the powerscale is BONKERS. Like not even pretending the character’s power level is of sanely understand. The tier at which there is an arc of him training in the hyperbolic other god’s world for like  FIVE YEARS and the being re-shotafied for normal world. THUMB IN THE UPPER CORNER. If you want stupidly overpowered shota then here it is.

Gunbured x Sisters

Chapters 1-19

I mean. Extreme EXTREME horny yuri nuns fucking and flirting each chapter. And then the other 50% is a mystery about vampires and others and fighting them off. It knows what it is. And I love it. THUMBS UP. Whew I guess I like the mechanist girl best? That or the the tomboy knight.

Kenja no Deshi wo Nanoru Kenja

Chapters 1-46

THUMBS UP.  [Insert isekai genderbend redux here] but this time its a video game where the MC was one of the strongest people. And the video game world has progressed some time since MC enters with their new little girl model. Plot is the MC trying to find the other sages, but hasn’t found any yet. Lots of fucking around in a video game world. MC gets sidetracked easy ESPECIALLY by food so expect random worldbuilding chapters about food or luxury train or bath or yuri or

[1-800-gaygentsofshield]

Skimmons College Roommate AU

The soft strums of the guitar wake the teenager up in the middle of the night, making her roll over in bed and smile. Daisy and Jemma met on the very first day of college open house, both of them being equally nervous but excited at the new opportunity. The pair have been roommates for the last three years, counting down the days until they can get out of this place. They have to be there for a total of seven years so they still have four more to go. A soft smile tugs on Jemmas lips as she lets her arm rest on her forehead, the rustling of the sheets interrupting the guitar being played through the walls. Daisys strums were slower than the original song, giving Jemma the image of her sitting on her bed and lazily playing the guitar. It happens almost twice a week where Jemma wakes up to her roommates gentle strumming, on rare nights, accompanied by vocals. Tonight is one of these rare nights. The 2 am guitar playing happens so frequently, Jemma has become accustomed to the noise, the gentle strums reassuring her that her roommate is there. Tonight she could tell Daisy couldn’t sleep just by the way the notes sound. The way Daisys fingers sleepily run across the strings, her voice rougher than normal but still angelic as always.

“I still remember, third of December, me in your sweater, you said it looked better, on me, than it did you. Only if you knew, how much I liked you..” Daisys voice comes flowing through the walls and Jemma cant help but sing along softly. The walls separating their rooms are thin as hell so she’s guessing Daisy can hear her too.

“But I watch your eyes, as she walks by. What a sight for sore eyes. Brighter than a blue sky..She's got you mesmerized, while I die..” Jemma softly sings along, turning to face the wall.

Daisy’s sitting on her bed, her legs propped up, guitar in lap, and back pressed up against the wall. She sang the first part with her eyes closed, the cords to the song coming as a second nature to her. She soon heard her roommates voice, rough and raspy from sleep but still smooth like silk come through the walls. A smile cracks on Daisys lips as she continues singing, pressing her back up more against the wall.

“Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half, as pretty. You gave her your sweater. “It's just polyester,” but you like her better..Wish I were Heather.”

They continue the song, both of them becoming more awake as the song progressed.

“Why would you ever kiss me? I'm not even half as pretty. You gave her your sweater. “It's just polyester,” but you like her better. Wish I were..” As the song ended Daisy’s voice got gentle, letting Jemma take over partly, just happy in the moment. The hacker slowly stopped strumming and she heard the rustling of sheets coming from Jemmas room, followed by the soft pads of footsteps on the floor. The tiny scientist slowly opens the door to Daisys room and steps in, watching as the brunette puts away her guitar. “Hey.” Jemma whispers softly, walking over to the hacker and sitting down on her bed. “Whats keeping you up?” The Brit asks, immediately reading the other girl like a book. 

With everyone else the hacker has walls and facades, burying her emotions deep inside, but not with Jemma Simmons. Simmons is the only person Daisy is vulnerable around, wearing her heart on her sleeve ever since Jemma comforted when she cried over her ex and got wasted, held her hair back the morning after, gave her painkillers and ate takeout with her all day two years ago. That was the day Daisy realized that Jemma cared deeply for her, willing to push aside her important studies just to eat sauce covered noodles with her all day and well into the night. The two are inseparable and it would be a good guess if someone thought that they were a couple. 

“I dont know, I just can’t sleep. I tried the milk and honey technique, your sleepy tea, everything. So, I just resorted to strumming and the song popped into my head.” Daisy shrugs, leaning back onto the wall and looking over to her best friend. “Its camomile tea darling, come here.” Jemma laughs softly, laying the both of them down and turning off the desk lights. Sometimes the pair cuddle when they’ve had a hard day or they cant sleep, finding comfort in each other at the end of the day..as friends..of course. Daisys arm gently wrap around the smaller girls shoulders and sighs contently, letting herself sink into the darkness. Jemmas arms wrap around Daisys torso and pulls herself close, becoming a little space heater for the taller girl. “Goodnight Jems.” Daisy whispers, already drifting off to sleep. The brit smiles sleepily and pulls herself closer, “Goodnight Daisy.”

-

“Daisy! Pizza!” Jemma giggles, her hair tied up into a messy ponytail. She walks over to the table in their shared space while eating a piece of pizza, a wide smile on her face as she’s equipped with a slice of pizza in one hand and the box in the other. She’s wearing comfy pajama shorts underneath Daisys large Stanford sweater, the oversized sleeves bunched up near her wrists. Todays a study, relax, and chill out day for the pair. “Pizza? Yess thank you Jems.” Daisy groans, a small smile on her face as she gets up from the desk and moving some of their books aside. “Mmhm, you almost done studying?” The brit hums, placing the pizza box on the table as she continues to eat the slice shes holding. “Almost. We’re almost there.” Daisy nods her head, simultaneously grabbing a dirty t-shirt off the ground and throwing it into the laundry basket as she answers. Shes wearing her glasses which Jemma likes so much paired with a black shirt and grey sweatpants, her dark brown hair flowing down her shoulders. The hacker grabs a piece and groans softly as she eats it, her eyes rolling back. “Mmm, thank you Jems. So good.” She smiles and Jemma cant stop herself from laughing. “Its the same place and order each time.” The brit says and Daisy shrugs, plopping down on the couch and pulling Jemma down next to her. They spend the day reviewing notes with their legs intertwined, eating pizza and drinking coffee (or tea in Jemmas case) as they study the hours away.

-

Winter. Winter means mid terms. Mid terms mean late night studying. Late night studying means lack of sleep. Lack of sleep means sleepy Jemma and Daisy. And, sleepy Jemma and Daisy means coffee shop adventures.

They’re both bundled up in warm winter clothing as they walk down the sidewalk, Jemma clutching onto her bag filled with books with one hand and the other intertwined with Daisys in the hackers pocket. As the year progresses the line between friends and lovers started to blur between the two, Jemma spending more nights cuddled up against Daisy than in her own bed, the touches becoming more prominent and lingering. Thats why the pair didnt question it when their hands intertwined with each others almost immediately after they left the place. So, when their hands started to get cold, Daisy put their intertwined hands into her coat pocket without exchanging any words.

They walk into the small campus coffee shop with a smile on both of their faces, the warm cafe air engulfing them. Daisy looks over to her tiny scientist and cant help but blush, watching the tips of Simmons ears and the tip of her nose turn red from the cold. “It’s freezing out there.” Jemma mumbles, walking in step with Daisy towards the register.

They get their coffee and tea and sit down at a window table, their bags set by their feet. “Another winter, another midterm.” Daisy mumbles, sipping on her coffee as she watches the smiling Brit across from her. “That means another christmas together and another spring break at your parents lake house.” Jemma smiles and Daisy nods, realizing that it’s become a routine. They’d rotate each holiday, for thanksgiving, it would be spent at Daisy’s house with Phil and May and for Christmas, it would be spent with Jemmas parents. For spring break they’d usually spend it with Bobbi, Mack, Fitz, Hunter, and Yo-Yo at Philinda’s lake house or take a road trip with just the two of them in Daisy’s van. They do everything together. “We should bring alcohol if we go to the lake house this year.” The hacker hums and Jemma nods her head, gently intertwining their hands on the table. “We should, Hunter would have a blast with Fitz.” The brit giggles and Daisy decides that it’s her favorite sound in the world.

They finish their drinks and toss their cups, re-securing their layers over themselves before stepping out into the cold. As soon as they step out Daisy reaches and holds Jemmas hand, putting them back into her pocket with a smile on her face.

-

“To spring break!” Hunter calls, all of them sitting on the house boat lake. “To spring break!” They call back, all of them sipping their beers in their hands. It’s the first day of spring break and they’re all in swimsuits and swim trunks, everything already set up from last years break. It’s currently mid-day so it’s hot as hell, the cooler open and filled with ice and alcohol. “I’m going swimming.” Mack claps his hands, standing up and diving off the porch into the water. Fitz soon follows, sliding off the porch into the lake rather than diving. “So, hows the school year going so far?” Hunter asks, his arm wrapped around Bobbi as yo-yo digs into the snacks. “Good, I’m glad that it’s over soon.” Jemma replies, sitting down close to Daisy. The hacker pouts and gently grabs the Brits waist playfully, “But Jems, that means that you won’t be with me.” Daisy whines, making Jemma turn around a smile at her. “Oh Daisy, don’t pretend that we don’t spend all of our time together in the summer.” She says, slapping Daisy’s shoulder playfully. “Still.” The hacker pouts before smiling, sipping on her beer as the sun warms them up.

-

Later they all swim in the lake, floating on the tubes and sitting on the ledge in the water. It’s a lazy vibe in the air with the music playing and the heat surrounding them, all of them fully relaxed. Currently Daisy is dragging Simmons towards a small strip of grass sandwitched between the lake and trees. It’s an area at the side of the house, still close to the lake, but hidden from sight of their friends. “It keeps getting better each time.” Jemma hums, wearing a red bikini while Daisy wears a light blue one. “I know, I’m suprised Hunter and Bobbi haven’t gone off and fucked yet.” The hacker says nonchalantly, earning a small slap on the arm. “Daisy!” Jemma scolds playfully, a smile present on her face. “What?” Daisy laughs, closing the space between them a bit. Her hands come up to gently grab Jemmas waist, taking in slow in case she read all of the signs wrong. To her relief Jemma doesn’t pull away, instead, the Brits hands slowly come up to hold onto Daisy’s biceps. “Tell me if I’m wrong but I think that we have a thing.” Daisy whispers softly, leaning in a bit. She pulls her sunglasses up onto the top of her head and rasises an eyebrow, looking at the smaller girl. “You’re not wrong.” Jemma says softly, feeling her back being gently pressed up against the house wall. “Can I..?” Daisy asks, leaning in just a bit more. The brit nods and leans in, closing the space between them. The kiss is slow and soft, their heartbeats speeding up. Daisy slowly pulls away with a wide smile on her face, backing away from the Brit a bit because she assumes Jemma wants to take it slow. She’s wrong. The biochemist grabs her wrist and pulls her back into the kiss, this time locking lips as her arms snake around Daisy’s neck. The taller girls hands immediately latch onto Jemmas waist as they kiss with more passion than before, no longer tentative and questioning. Jemmas hand comes up and slowly intertwined with Daisy’s hair, pulling her deeper into the kiss. They kiss for what feels like forver, fingertips exploring gently and hands intertwined with hair. “Skimmons get over here!” Bobbi calls, bringing them back down to reality that they’re outside and their friends are there. Jemma plants one more kiss on Daisy’s lips, promising that there’s more to come, before pulling away fully. They make their way back to the group and hop back into the water, sharing a tube together. “Skimmons? What’s that?” Daisy asks Bobbi, Jemma and her own legs laid across each other. “It’s like a ship name. We got it from before, when you went by Skye. Skye and Simmons equals Simmons.” Bobbi explains and the girls nod, giving each other a high five. “Skimmons!” They laugh, earning laughs from the group. Hunter throws them all beers from the dock and holds up his for another toast, “To college and booze!” He says and everyone laughs, calling back. “To college and booze!”

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[ditto]

wi rehab week 3 review: the Week™. i KNOW this post is long but god please read about my misfortune if yall want a Saga

current status on raccoons: clement

number of monster energy drinks consumed: 2

number of buns directly killed: 1

Days Since Last Diarrhead on: 1

Baby Raccoon Count: 150ish? probably 130 that need to be bottle fed 

new tasks performed:

baby opossum cage maintenance

baby waterfowl cage maintenance

SQ fluid administration on raccoons

SQ vaccine administration on raccoons

What To Do When Your Tire Goes Flat 101

oral medication administration on possums

CHRONOLOGICAL TALE OF MISFORTUNE: i’m not going to do this regularly but the sheer amount of bad shit that happened this week was COMICAL so let me break down everything that happened to me this work week

MONDAY 6/8

got diarrhead on during 6am raccoon feeding

straight up killed a baby rabbit during bun feeding. they stress real easily and i’m bad at tubing so i had him out for a while and he just fuckin. died. from stress. in my hands. directly because of me being bad at my job. so you know that was uhhhhhhhhhhhhh

shovelled out wet dirty woodchips out of a walk-in enclosure with like 8 goslings using a snowshovel w/ another baby intern. you can’t put a ton of woodchips into one trash bag so we had to keep changing out the trash bag and it was like 92 degrees out and we were both wearing cloth masks and on god i really thought we were gonna die in there

during the pm feeding i get peed on by the EXACT SAME RACCOON that diarrhead on me during the am feeding 

TUESDAY 6/9: the Day(tm)

i have a therapy appointment scheduled at 2pm. my shift is 6am-2pm. i’ll need to leave at 1:30pm to get to it. i tell my supervisors this. it’s chill. i still feel bad about it, because i have anxiety.

right off the bat, i get scolded by my Actual Boss for doing something i watched one of the supervising interns do 

6am raccoon feeding: get diarrhead on again. 

a rac RIPS the fucking nipple off of the baby bottle we’re feeding them with and formula gets fucking everywhere. i say out loud at this moment “IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK”. one of my supervising interns feels bad for me and keeps trying to cheer me up throughout the day. she does make me feel better.

i get dishes which is fine bc i dont mind dishes for real but my hands turn into sandpaper the day after doing dishes for 2 hours so this is more :| than :/. i make jokes about how bad my week is going. the mood is, generally, looking up.

next raccoon feeding is scheduled for noon. raccoons are housed in a separate building, so it’s about a 5 minute drive to get there from the main area. we get ready to leave around 1pm. recap: i need to leave at 1:30pm for a therapy appointment. i’m planning on driving my own car down there so i can do this. it’s chill.

on my way down there, i start hearing the most godawful screeching of metal. i am, quote, “like uhhh.” when i open the gate to turn onto the highway, i stick my head out the window to look

my tire is flat.

i have a flat tire.

my fucking tire is FLAT dude.

>mfw

>

>

pull over after gate

tell the staff member following me “hey i have a flat tire so im probably not going to make it down to feed today” and shes like flkdjsalfksd okay

call the ONE supervising intern whose number i have, who is the one who heard me say IM HAVING A GREAT WEEK, like GUESS WHICH BITCH HAS A FLAT TIRE LMFAOOOOOOO. just making that one call was the funniest fucking thing that’s ever happened in my entire life

to quote her verbatim: “i guess you are having a bad week”

call my dad, who as it turns out was actively teaching a class when i called, so i am well and truly facked and am DEFINITELY not making this therapy appointment

ok. take a deep breath. check my car. i have a donut in my car. i have not changed a tire in three years, and have never changed one in the scenario of I Have A Flat Tire. fack. relay this to the one supervising intern whos number i know (i’m going to call her supervising intern 1 going forward here). ask her if anyone knows how to change a tire. 

supervising intern 1 calls back. apparently there’s a guy who lives on the same property we’re on named donnie. donnie is a maintenance worker who helps out a lot around the rehab place. donnie can help me change my tire. apparently someone currently down feeding raccoons is going to come pick me up and bring me over there so i can continue to feed raccoons until donnie can fix my tire. 

get call from supervising intern 2, whose number i did not have, apparently it got relayed. i ask her if anyone down there can change a tire. she says she can change a tire. she will help me change my tire she finishes on raccoon feeding. ok sounds good. someone is still going to come pick me up.

get call back 10 minutes later. apparently donnie is in the middle of a field right now and it is unlikely that he can fix my tire. someone is still going to come get me to feed raccoons, maybe. i tell her supervising intern 2 can help me change my tire after we finish our shift. she says thats fine. ok cool sick.

try to call therapist. i have no signal. send email which is, verbatim: “Hey! I'm currently on the the side of of the the road in [TOWN 30 MILES AWAY] with a flat tire, so I'm not going to make our appointment today. If we could reschedule for sometime soon, that would be great.” signal is bad, so this ends up being sent at 3pm.

(ALSO I LEARNED ABOUT THIS TODAY BUT APPARENTLY IN THE TIMELINE THERE’S A FIGHT HERE BETWEEN SUPERVISING INTERNS 1 AND 2 OVER HOW THE SITUATION IS PLAYING OUT WHICH IS EQUAL PARTS HILARIOUS AND “MAKES ME FEEL BAD”)

one of the other baby interns comes to pick me up and bring me down to racs. i walk in like AYYYYYYY and start feeding raccoons.

i get diarrhead on again.

i get diarrhead on again again. 

apparently 3 in one day is a record.

my shift is supposed to end at 2pm. we usually end up staying until 2:15-2:30ish, because that’s usually when the other team gets down here. since supervising intern 2 is currently my savior, she is going to drive me back over when the other team gets here and she leaves. other baby interns leave at 2:15ish, i think. 

the other team is, apparently, running late. they get here at 3pm.

supervising intern 2 drives me back over at 3pm. we get to my car.

the donut is on.

the tire is in the trunk.

apparently donnie was, in fact, able to come change my tire. no one told me this. 

im like ok. this is fine. i tell supervising intern 2 thank u for my life. i leave.

my donut has a 50mph max speed limit. i tell google maps to avoid highways on my way home. this turns my 30 minute drive home into a 50 minute one, and still ends up with me being terrifyingly tailgated by trucks for going 10 miles under the speed limit. i almost, but do not, run out of gas on the way home.

i get home around 4:10pm. i call the auto shop across the street from me and tell them i have a flat tire, but i need the car by 6am tomorrow. do they think they can have it fixed by then. they tell me to bring it over and they’ll let me know.

i bring the car over. i give them my keys. i say thank you and leave.

i realize that my garage door opener is in my car, which is now locked. i have no other way into the house, because our garage door keypad has been broken for 2 years. the sliding glass door in the backyard is locked.

i walk back into the auto shop 5 minutes later and ask in the Polite But Obviously Having A Day tone if i can have my keys back so i can get it. i get my garage door opener out of my car. i give the keys back.

i enter my home. i lay spread-eagled on my bed for one hour.

auto place calls back and tells me they fixed the tire. im like did you replace it or did u fix it. theyre like we fixed it come on over. i almost cry on the phone.

go back over. guy is like “ya u ran over a screw LOL”. gives me my keys back. i wait to pay

after a bit hes like “you dont have to pay anything. this is on the house.”

almost cry

thank him

get car

go home

eat

shower

go to bed at 8pm 

WEDNESDAY (6/10)

everyone at work is immediately like AYYY and in general just very nice about the whole thing. i thank everyone involved for helping. its chill

dont get diarrhead on this feeding but i do get bit for like NO got dam reason what the fack

next up is cleaning juvenile cages and i swear to god i get the nastiest. fucking. raccoon cage i have ever seen in my entire life. there was an...i wanna say eigth-of-an-inch thick layer of raccoon diarrhea across this 2 foot x 4 foot cage

like on GOD the smell was so bad i was gagging through a goddamn cloth mask just. oh my god. i had to just go stand outside and stare into the abyss afterwards for a few minutes it was so NASTY IT WAS SO NASTY

mercifully, i am spared from further misfortune for the rest of the day. i come home. i am so tired.

WAIT I HAVE TO MENTION THAT SUPERVISING INTERN 1 HAD SUCH BAD LUCK FEEDING RABBITS TODAY SO LIKE...my luck is contagious 

notes and observations

anyone who is anti-euthanasia in animal shelters and any other large-scale animal welfare places in general can absolutely suck my dick

most other baby animals will generally have various stages of “baby x”, but opossums look like Adults Except Tiny from a very early age. they have stolen my heart.

birds are poopy little creatures

[let-it-raines]

I was reading this "ex prompt list" and while I want you to write all of them, I really liked this one: "You talk about me in your new song and I get mad over it, so I’m standing outside your apartment door to argue, only to see you open the door half naked." Thank you, darling! You're a gift!

She’s on her way home from work when she hears it. Listening to the radio isn’t something she does, not anymore, but her car can’t connect to her phone’s Bluetooth and she forgot the aux cord, so it was either the radio or silence.

She probably should have stayed in silence.

Because for the first time in three months, for the first time since she was in Target and heard one of his songs over the speakers, she hears his voice.

And she hates it.

But she apparently hates herself a little bit more because she doesn’t change the station or turn the radio off. She doesn’t recognize the opening chords to this song. She recognizes the chords to every song. She knows all of the lyrics, all of the rifts and pauses. She knows everything.

But she doesn’t know this one.

It’s quiet, sullen, the usually prominent instruments muted in the background so that his voice comes through as clearly as possible. It takes her thirty seconds and two references of a swan flying away – really subtle there, Jones – for her to realize that the song is about her. She has to pull over to the side of the road, making several different cars blare their horns at her, but she can’t…she can’t listen to this while driving. She can’t hear him sing a song that’s clearly about their break up. She has to listen, but she can’t do anything else.

She can barely breathe.

He sounds broken. But she knows that’s on purpose. He records those songs a million times over, until he gets them exactly how he wants them to be, so she knows that he’s manufactured it this way. She’s watched him record enough songs to know how things work.

How dare he do this.

How dare he put their private life out there for anyone with ears to hear.

Hot tears sting behind her eyes, and she has to bury her face in her hands while her throat constricts, emotion lodging itself there and making her feel as if she has to vomit. Or as if she can’t breathe. She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know anything.

All she knows is that she misses him. She misses Killian.

But right now she hates him for making her relive their breakup, for making her relive the agony that was the weeks and months of separation that inevitably led them to walking away from each other.

Or maybe it was her.

She’s not sure. If anything, it’s all a blur of tears and alcohol, sobs wracking her body while she was unable to feel anything but pain. She’d waited so long to find someone who understood her, who wanted to be with her with no reservations, who wouldn’t leave. But then he had left. It had been for work. She knows this. She understands this. Despite everything, she wants nothing more than for him to be happy and to follow his dreams. She just wishes it didn’t come at the expense of them.

She just wishes she’d been strong enough to handle the months of separation and the way that their schedules never matched up, the way that they were constantly missing each other when they tried to call.

The song ends and immediately something happy, upbeat plays through her speakers. She’s having some kind of meltdown on the side of the road, and the world keeps going by. Cars continue to drive by, shaking her bug with their momentum, and the song that’s about one of the worst periods of her life is quickly forgotten and replaced by something about…dancing in a club. It’s literally just about dancing.

She lets out a watery chuckle, the emotion that was lodged in her throat clearing the slightest bit so that she can breathe. Was she not breathing? She might not have been breathing.

Now that she can breathe again, she inhales, sucking her chest in before letting out a gush of air in an attempt to calm herself. In her review mirror she can see that her face is red and splotchy, that her eyes are still watery, and she has to wipe away the snot that’s formed at her nose.

It’s as she’s rubbing her eyes, trying to clear her vision, that all of the sadness starts to twist, transforming into something else entirely. She’s pissed. Absolutely pissed. And she can’t help but think of her earlier thoughts when the song first started playing.

How dare he do this to her.

How dare he write that song and put it on the radio.

Before she knows it, she’s putting her car in drive, looking over her shoulder to make sure the road is clear, before she’s pulling off of the dirt and onto the pavement, speeding down the road in the direction of Killian’s apartment instead of toward hers, driving in the direction of the place where she lived for so long. She knows he’s home, that he’s in town. And she only knows this because David still talks to him, still talks about him, and she overheard David talking to Mary Margaret about Killian being home for the next few weeks and how they’re going to go out for a pint to catch up.

She knows the path to his apartment better than she knows the path to her own, a right here followed by another until it’s a straight shot to the parking garage underneath his building. She still has her sticker, the one that lets her inside. She never could get the damn thing off.

But now it’s useful as she pulls into an empty guest space, hastily getting out of the car and slamming the door shut as she makes her way over to the elevator, hoping that the code hasn’t changed and she can still get inside. It’s only two minutes before she’s standing in front of his door, the momentum and adrenaline propelling her hand forward until she’s banging on the wood so roughly that her hand might actually hurt.

She hurts.

Every bit of anger, of malice, of disappointment that she has is on the tip of her tongue, posed to be spit at him as soon as she sees him, but then the door is swung open and she sees him for the first time in…shit. It’s been five months. It’s been three months since she heard his voice in Target, but it’s been five months since she’s seen him.

And he’s now standing in front of her with his hair damply falling across his forehead, water trailing down the hair of his chest, and the words of his tattoo peeking up over the white towel he has slung across his hip.

Fuck.

She doesn’t have any other words, especially as his fists clench and the muscles in his arms strain while his jaw ticks. He’d look surprised when she first showed up, his lips parting before closing, almost as if he had something he wanted to say. But now he looks angry, a storm raging behind his eyes, and all she can think about is the time that they went to Bermuda for their anniversary and spent the entire week either in bathing suits, a towel, or nothing at all.

“What are you doing here, Swan?”

There’s no anger in his voice though. It’s calm, even, and it’s that fact that gets her back on track. He sounded broken in the song. He’s obviously not broken like she is.

“How dare you write that song,” she spits, trying to keep her voice just as steady, knowing that she’s failing. “You just put our life, my life, out there for everyone to hear.”

“No one knows it’s about you.”

“I do! I know! Our friends know! Everybody goddamn knows! I’m driving down the road on my way home from work, trying to live my life, trying to move on, and I just have everything that I’m trying to forget thrown back in my face like that.”

“Love – ”

“Don’t call me that,” she cries, hating how her voice cracks. She shouldn’t have done this. She shouldn’t have come. She should have never let her emotions drive her, but that’s always what’s she’s done. She’s never been one to be able to hold back when she really feels. “I am not your love. You’ve made that very clear.”“Swan,” he grits, crossing his arms over his heaving chest, “if you want to yell at me, come inside. I have neighbors, and I don’t think we want them witnessing this.”

She huffs, disbelief that he’s actually inviting her inside so that she can continue this emotional breakdown, but her feet still carry her inside, her eyes glancing over the apartment the moment she gets inside. It all looks exactly the same.

She hates that it all looks the same.

Something should have changed.

All of her stuff is gone.

She’s gone.

Something should have changed.

She turns around to look back at Killian, who’s locking the door behind him before running his hands through his damp hair, pushing it back on his forehead, before he’s rubbing his fingers over his scruff. She hates how good he looks almost as much as she hates that that’s what she’s focusing on.

“Why are you here?” he sighs, the indignation he had replaced with acceptance. “The song? You’re mad about the song?”

“Of course I’m mad about the song. How could I not be? Have you heard it?”

“I wrote it. And in case you’ve forgotten, I have dozens of other songs about you, nearly every one of them on a record somewhere. You never seemed pissed about those then.”

“We weren’t broken up then.”“Well whose bloody fault is that? Because it’s not mine. I didn’t want to break up.”

“You think I wanted to break up?” she screams, not caring about staying calm while her entire body heats, her skin feeling overly warm and her head throbbing while her heart pounds. “You think I wanted to be having breakdowns on the side of the road because I can’t handle reliving parts of our relationship. You think I wanted to be the girl who sat at home and cried every time you didn’t pick up the phone? Every time you had to go one minute into our conversation? Every time I went out with my friends and heard your voice on the speakers at a bar when I hadn’t actually heard your voice in days? You think I wanted that?”

She can’t…she can’t breathe again, her heart beating far too quickly in her chest. This isn’t healthy. This isn’t good. She needs…she needs to sit down. So she does, collapsing to the ground and resting her back against his hallway wall while she wraps her arms around her knees and lets herself have another breakdown.

Who the hell needs dignity?

“Emma,” Killian sighs, and that only makes things worse. He never calls her Emma, not unless something is important, and she hates herself for this entire situation. She hates that he is able to still have this power over her, that she still loves him so much that she can’t fathom the fact that she’s not with him.

“Emma,” he repeats, kneeling down next to her, his towel opening as he squats, which really doesn’t help the situation at all. “Are you okay?”

“Do you think I’m okay?”

“No.” His thumb reaches up and wipes away the tears on her cheek. That’s the first time she’s felt his touch in five months too. And it’s also what makes her look up to see that he’s got a tear falling onto his cheek too. “I’m sorry, lo – Swan. I’m sorry that you heard the song and that it hurt you.”

“Why’d you write it then? You had to know that I’d hear it eventually.”

“Because I hurt too. Music is how I deal with things. You know this. You’ve always known this. And how the hell else am I supposed to deal with my heartbreak?”

“By writing the damn song and then not putting it on the radio.”

“I had to fulfill my contract. I had to release a new single.”

“Don’t you have another one? One that’s not about us?”

“No.”

She sighs, leaning her head back against the wall and tightly closing her eyes all while she physically aches. She aches for them to be back to normal, aches for this to not be happening anymore. She should have never come here.

“How long are you home?”

“What?” he stutters, his voice visibly shaken.

She opens her eyes and looks back at him, attempting to even her breaths. “How long are you home this time? How long until you have to leave again?”

“A few weeks. I’ve got to go back and meet with the guys for a couple of days at the end of September.”

She doesn’t know why she does what she does next, but before she can stop herself, before she can think straight, she leans forward and slides her lips over his in a harsh, demanding kiss. Her hands are in his hair in an instant, using the soft strands to tug him closer, and his hands find her face, the warmth and roughness of the pads of his fingers holding her to him as well. It’s like being connected, like being right, after so many months of not feeling like herself, of feeling like something in her life is off kilter.

Like something is wrong.

She doesn’t care that they shouldn’t be doing this. She doesn’t care that she shouldn’t be pushing Killian against the floor, the hardwood uncomfortable under her knees, and she doesn’t care that she’s losing her mind over the way that Killian’s groaning into her mouth and thrusting his hips up against hers, the towel doing nothing to hide his arousal.

And she really doesn’t care when they stumble away from the entrance of his apartment and fall back into his bedroom, quickly and surely moving against each other in the way that they always have. He feels good, fantastic, and she knows she should never be thinking about she and Killian together when they’re very obviously having a relapse, a collapse back into the them they used to be.

So she doesn’t say anything, doesn’t let herself not enjoy this, but she can’t speak, she can’t return Killian’s words of ecstasy and affection while he moves inside of her and above her. She simply falls into how good, how right, this feels, and figures that she’ll…she’ll figure it all out later.

It turns out when later comes that she’s still not ready to figure it out. She still doesn’t know what to do. Instead of getting up and leaving when they were finished, she didn’t. She stayed. She’s not sure that she had the strength to leave, that she even wanted to, so now she’s wrapped up in one of Killian’s sweaters while her legs are stuck in between his and his hands are trailing through her hair. She feels his heartbeat under her palm, the slow rise and fall of his chest a rhythm that she knows better than any other.

A rhythm that she knows better than any song he’s ever written.

“Sex doesn’t solve our problems, Swan. You know that, right?”

“I know,” she confesses, snuggling closer to him despite everything. “I don’t…we shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t even still be here. I’m not sure what came over me, over us.”“A hell of a lot of emotions.” She feels his lips against her forehead, the sweat that’s gathered there being pushed away. “We’ve got…there’s a lot left between us, love. There was never anything wrong between us, I don’t think. I just wasn’t there.”

“That’s kind of what went wrong. You can’t be in a relationship without being there.”

“But it’s not us. It was the distance, my job.”

“Which is your dream.”

“Aye, it was my dream,” he confirms softly, running his fingers through her hair and down her back. “It is my dream. But I should have never let it come between us. You’ve been my life for half a decade. You have been there for absolutely everything, and I should have tried harder, should have done more.”

“I don’t think there was anything either of us could have done.”

“I could have made more time to call. I could have scheduled breaks between cities. I could have booked a flight for me, for you. I could have done so much to save us, to make you feel less alone.”

“Killian, this isn’t all on you.”

“No, no, it’s not, but I’ve had five months of living alone, even when I wasn’t here, to think about all of the things I could have changed.”

“Me too,” she sighs, lifting her head from his chest and untangling her legs before she moves to the other side of the bed, putting distance between them all the while Killian rubs his hand up and down his face trying to work out the stress lines. “I don’t…I don’t know what to do.”

“I don’t either. Do you even want to try again? Or are we chalking this up to a one-time thing? To a fallback?”

For the first time since she’s shown up here, he sounds as broken as he did during the song. He sounds like she feels, like there’s something missing, something just out of reach. He sounds…he doesn’t sound like Killian. Not the one that she knew. Not the one who woke her up in the mornings with a smile on his face and laughter in his eyes. Not the one who sang while he cooked, often burning the food because he would start writing down the beginnings of a song.

He doesn’t sound like the man who loved her.

The man who she loves.

“I don’t want it to be that,” she answers honestly, wrapping her arms around her legs and resting her chin on her knees. “But I can’t go back to how we were…what do you want?”

“You.”

A shiver runs down her spine, gooseflesh popping up on her skin.

“That’s all. You just want me?”

“Always, Emma,” he promises, his lips ticking up on the right and the lines around his eyes crinkling while his tongue clicks. “But you’re right. We can’t…I can’t leave like that. I can’t do things just for me without considering you. And you can’t let me just do it and say that things are okay.”

“I kind of figured you knew things weren’t okay.”

“You’ve never lied to me, so I didn’t expect it then. I always believed the words that you said.”

“So what are we doing, Killian? What do we do?”

He shrugs, sitting up against the headboard. “We try again. We make compromises. We do better. For ourselves. For each other. And maybe I don’t put a song out without letting you know.”She smiles, the first genuine smile without heartbreak hidden behind it, for the first time today. Maybe for the first time in months.

“I’d like that.”

It takes more than one day for things to get back to normal. It takes weeks, months really. Killian was a constant part of her life for five years, but after nearly half a year apart, things don’t simply snap back. Trust has to be rebuilt, routines have to become routine again, and she has to learn that things are never going to be perfect and that compromise is a hell of a lot harder than simply saying the word. You actually have to break and bend, give and give up, but it’s worth it if you want to make things work.

She wants to make things work.

Killian does too.

And the next time she hears a song on the radio that’s about her, Killian’s voice isn’t broken. And neither is her heart.