#Sydney left her notebook at the bear

[unladyboss]

In season 1 EP 8 of #thebear Carmy got hold of Syd's little notebook, that she left behind after she quit

It's only recipes and ideas but he spent a while just staring at it #sydcarmy

It just occurred to me that this is how Carmy knew about the plans Syd wanted for the restaurant. Family Style etc...

Then he kept the notebook, running his fingers over the pages

Did she leave it there on purpose? I don't know if she did, because she always walks around with it. Why would she leave it in the markers box?

[luveline]

Hi Jade ! I loove your sunshine!readers, could I request one for Carmy ? Maybe someone calls her to get to the restaurant when hes feeling anxious to calm him down idk if thats good lol love ya !

ty for requesting <3 fem, 1.4k

Is it The Beef or The Bear? In your head, despite the wishes of everyone who works there (except for Ebra, who seems to have mixed opinions), you always call it The Beef. But the sign brags otherwise, and when you push open the doors, nothing inside is left to remind you of the old restaurant. It was a total gut. 

“Hi, gorgeous,” says a familiar, warm voice. 

You almost walk straight into her table, distracted looking for brown curls through the kitchen door’s little window. “Hey, Tina.” You grin at your second favourite chef. Your most favourite Sous. “You taking a break?” 

She offers you a round butter cookie from a sleeve of them. Her cup of coffee billows with steam. “Uh-huh.” 

“Hiding from a meltdown?” you ask, taking a cookie, fingers oily with butter, sugar grains falling to the floor. 

“It’s not like that,” she says. 

Well, what is it like? you think. 

Richie’s text wasn’t exactly descriptive. Need ur help with the little Bitch, he’d said. Then, when you didn’t answer, ASAP!!!!

You figured it must’ve been another rant. He’s prone to these… episodes of anger where he doesn’t realise he’s spinning out and hurting people who really care about him. You try to bring him out of it, but he’s a Berzatto. They’re all the same, sort of. Everything that’s wrong with them has been stamped into them a long, long time ago. 

He’s been better since Nat steel armed him into AA, but still. You tilt your head to one side, sugar cookie between your fingers, listening for the goings on in the kitchen. “Sydney’s here?” you ask. “I thought she was sick.” 

“Sydney gets sick, but she doesn’t take sick days,” Tina says with a loving shrug. 

You smile at her in brief goodbye for now and make your way to the kitchen, where you push in quietly. All their ‘Behind!’ and ‘Corner!’ and ‘Hands!’ makes you laugh, and you can’t take it seriously so you don’t, but you’re not trying to be dangerous in there either. 

“Hello?” you ask. 

Sydney and Richie look up from a cramped notebook at the table nearest to the door. There are employees you're unsure of prepping vegetables along the wall, but Carmy isn’t anywhere to be seen. 

“Fucking finally,” Richie says, before rubbing his face regretfully. “I’m sorry, it’s just– I texted you an hour ago, babe, you’re letting me down.” 

You laugh. “Sorry, babe,” you tease. “I have a job, just like you.” Your hands are cold where you tuck them under each armpit, crossing your arms. “Hi, Sydney. You feeling okay?” 

“No. He’s stressing me out.” 

“Which one?” 

“Both of them.” She looks like she might rub her face too. “I need him to be in here right now, he should be doing this, but he keeps walking away and– and not saying where he’s going.” 

“He is stressful,” you agree, though usually Carmy’s stress tends to bounce right off of you, “I’m gonna find him and strap him down for you.” 

Sydney just frowns. 

“I’ll see what’s up,” you say more seriously. “In the office?” 

“Out the back,” Richie says. “Smoking like his mother. He’s a fucking steam train lately.” 

It’s like they want to worry you. You give them grateful nods, sorry nods, and start to make your way out of the main kitchen, past the dishwashers and the dessert station to one of the back doors. Carmy isn’t your responsibility. You don’t have to apologise for him, you don’t have to mother him, he should commit to his responsibilities all on his own, but… it’s hard. You like apologising for him because his behaviour isn’t always on purpose, and he struggles with commitment for similar reasons. There’s this aching, stagnated grief in him that’s reawakening, there’s the stress of the restaurant, his business, the scars of the last ten years, and before that. You know it isn’t your job to come here and make him feel better, but isn’t it? When you love someone, it’s half the deal. 

Carmy shouldn’t yell at his friends, or employees. He shouldn’t chain smoke, and he shouldn’t be sitting on the low wall by the dumpsters shaking so hard with his head so low that you can see the first notch of his spine in his shirt. 

“Carmy?” you ask. 

His head ducks further down. You can hear him breathing, not too hard as to alarm you, and yet unrelaxed. 

You smile without thinking. You hate seeing him like this, but looking after him is a pleasure. “Hey, Carmen. Can I sit with you?” 

He forces his face up. “What are you doing here?” he asks. 

Trying to make sure he doesn’t tear another chunk out of Richie. “It’s my lunch break.” 

You perch on the wall beside him and snap your nearly forgotten cookie into two pieces, one side bigger than the other, which you offer him. 

Carmy takes it. Looks at it without expression, though that slowly turns to a dry ire you’ve felt directed your way a hundred times. “What the fuck is this?” 

“Cookie.” 

“I don’t want this.” 

“Could you just eat it?” You put your own half in your mouth in its entirety, all aligned to your teeth. It shatters into sweet, soft crumbs between your teeth. You talk with a hand over your mouth, “It’s not gonna kill you.” 

Carmy looks at it for a long time before he eats it. 

You watch him. He’s more tan than you’d think, that Italian gene kicking in, skin clinging to whatever sunshine it finds. He spends enough time inside that you’re surprised it can muster the energy. He looks better with it though, his curls look gold toned under the sun, and his clenched jaw doesn’t seem so harsh. 

“What’s wrong?” you ask eventually. Almost conversationally. 

“Nothing.” His hand shakes on his thigh. He turns his palm down to clasp his knee. 

“You sure?” 

“No.” 

“That one’s my favourite.” 

“What?” 

You poke toward a tattoo on his hand. It’s a simple flower, same style as most of his tattoos. “I like it ‘cos it’s just a flower.” 

“My least pretentious,” he guesses. 

“Something like that.” 

He tips his head back. 

“Richie texted me. He thinks I’m gonna… like, I’m gonna calm you down, I guess.” 

“You always do,” he says. 

You give him a long, smiley look. “So you’re in love with me?” you ask warmly, pushing up into a knee to wrap your arm behind him, hugging him before he can move away. “You’re totally fucked for me, Berzatto, that’s fucking crazy.” 

“Fuck off,” he laughs. 

You rub his arm, his skin hot in your hold. He touches your waist very, very lightly. “What am I supposed to do, anyway? I can’t cook. You and Syd are on your own.” 

“You already… already did enough.” He grabs your waist where you wobble on the brick wall, grit biting your knees, his hand comparatively soft. 

“Such a crush on me,” you tease in a whisper, his hair crushed under your cheek. 

You’re tempted to kiss his temple, but affection with Carmy is like oil and water sometimes. You give him a last protective squeeze and sit yourself down again. 

“Carm,” you say, “you know you can call me, right? Like, if you don’t feel okay.” 

“Yeah. Yeah, I know.” 

“Or text me. If that’s easier. It’s hard to say hard things out loud.” 

He laughs again. “Sorry.” 

“I know, I don’t– I don’t seem like I know what you’re talking about, I get it, but I do understand. N’ even if I didn’t, I don’t mind listening. Or laughing at you.” 

“What’s that about?” 

“The laughing?” you ask. “You tell me.” 

His hand slides behind your back in half a hug. “Guess it’s funny.” 

“Can I change my mind about the tattoo?” 

“The flowers not your favourite?” 

“No. You know which one I like best?” 

His thumb rubs into your back. “The snail.” 

“Absolutely the snail. You’re so fucking silly sometimes, I’m supposed to take you seriously when you’re yelling and red in the face with a snail on your arm?” 

You can’t see his face with your cheek to his shoulder, won’t know that he’s smiling at you with a rare aura of peace. Can’t see the wanting, either. 

[chefkids]

Realistically, what are you thinking is the cause/ what’s gonna happen as a result of the Sydcarmy alleyway fight?

it’s the only thing keeping me sane for S4 at this point!

Syd had basically given up on fighting with Carmy in season 3, because she was giving up on him/the bear. If they are back to fighting and yelling at each other I think that's honestly a healthy sign that she wants to make it work with him at The Bear and doesn’t quit.

Because otherwise she would have just backed out and left quietly without a fight like she was about to do when she was trying to tell him about Shapiro's offer.

We don't know what exactly they are fighting about. We just know Richie and Marcus will also be there at some point. And that she's wearing her muse bandana from her first day and when she made The Dish. Could be about the menu, could be about Shapiro's offer, could be about him seeing Claire again, could be about Sydney and Luca, could be about the Michelin stars. Who knows. I think it will most likely be about something similar to what his fight with Claire is going to be.

The whole Claire slump he's been in is about to burst and that will inevitably bring back up his feelings about Syd again like it did with the panic attack.

In his fight with Claire she accused him of lying to her and doing something and he swears up and down that he didn’t do it then apologizes. So maybe Carmy was lying to both Claire and Sydney about the same something. Which would make sense cause he has been keeping his actual feelings about both of them to himself. 

Richie and Carmy will likely make up at some point before the Claire Carmy fight cause he’s supposed to be there. Richie has kind of been working against Syd and Carmy but not really on purpose.

He had pushed him to be with Claire in the Fishes flashback, but he actually never pushed Carmy to be with Claire once Syd was in the picture. He said it was interesting that he was hanging out with Claire but only pushed him to see her at friends and family once he had already told him she was his gf.

I think before Carmy and Richie make up he is going to fuck with the sydcarmy by pushing her towards Luca like his little evil notebook suggested.

Carmy has still yet to realize that everyone wants Sydney. He doesn't know Marcus asked her out, he doesn't know Shapiro is trying to poach her, he doesn't know Luca was flirting with her. That's all on purpose. He's going to find out eventually and maybe that will freak him out and make him jealous/upset/angry that she was keeping all of this from him.

I think once Richie realizes Syd might leave, he’ll try and fix Syd and Carmy’s dynamic because he knows if she leaves that place is going under.

On the other hand Marcus has invested so much into The Bear. He wants it to work probably even more than Syd and Carmy do at this point. He knows they need to stay together for it to work and they need to fix things.

He's always kind of been at the periphery of their relationship but never really noticed them (clearly). The whole new menu suggestion back in season one he was right there but he didn't notice them getting close. Then Sydney told him about Carmy making her the best meal ever. The whole Claire is his girlfriend or friend that's a girl where Sydney was jealous he didn't really clock it. He was there with the whole you look nice moment but didn’t seem to notice it as something more between them. I feel like once he realizes what's up with them he's going to push for them to fix things.

I think Marcus is going to try and get mom and dad back together. And if his violet dessert is any indication of it, it might work.

I think the sydcarmy fight will be after the Claire fight and be the main incident that will lead to him being actually being honest with himself and Sydney as to why he is doing all of this and how much she means to him.

[scenedenial]

scenedenial’s the bear fic masterlist

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feel free to drop requests in my ask box! and thank you all sm for reading and commenting and being perfect MWAH 💋

Sydney Adamu/Richie Jerimovich

i’ll sleep in the rain under your headlights -> 6,407 words “Wow, Richie, that’s so charming. You’re so fucking charming.” “Yeah, sweetheart, you could learn something.” Richie cups her chin in his palm, swipes drool off her mouth. Sydney’s chest squeezes. “Don’t call me sweetheart.” “Sweetheart. Are you gonna bitch at me or are you gonna suck my cock?” i can take you higher -> 11,278 words “You want one, right?” “A star? I mean, yeah. Who doesn’t?” “I think we could do it,” Richie says, pacing the kitchen. “But Carmy —” “Yo, fuck Carmy. I’m saying you and me could do it.” Richie is a different person now. Sydney makes him want to be a different person: a better person. and you’ll feel it all over -> 1,717 words If Sydney was going to have a baby it would not be with Richie Jerimovich. So why can’t she stop thinking about it? i wanna start over, i wanna be winning (slow show part 1) -> 7,427 words “I’m not going to Vegas,” Sydney says again. “I actually cannot think of anything worse than being in Vegas right now.” “Um, I can,” Nat says, doing her bra back up. “Being here. C’mon, it’ll be good for you. Change of scenery.” “I don’t want a change of —” “If you won’t do it for you,” Nat cuts her off, “then do it for me. I need this. Look at me. Look at these fucking sandbags attached to my body. We’ll make it an, I don’t know, anti-bachelorette. Okay?” Natalie is giving her these big begging eyes and Sydney can feel her resolve to soldier on as the world’s most resigned jilted-bride-turned-interim-executive-chef weaken and crack. “Fine. Fine. But you’re buying my drinks. And you better cancel the fucking strippers.” you know i dreamed about you, i missed you (slow show part 2) -> WIP Sydney is still at The Bear because leaving would be losing, would be admitting defeat, would be giving Carmy the easy out. You fucked up my whole life but, okay, let me be the bigger person, let me make your life easier, sure, fine, okay. He can’t do this and not lose anything. He can’t do this and go back to how things used to be. She won’t let him. you never use words you can’t afford -> 1,923 words Richie knows she would never admit it to herself, let alone to him, because it’s totally antithetical to the carefully constructed independent woman take no prisoners masterchef girlboss extraordinaire thing she has going on, but Sydney fucking lives to be told she’s doing a good job. She fucking gets off on it.

Carmy Berzatto/Richie Jerimovich

i put my hand over the stove to make sure i still feel it -> 5,240 words Richie shrugs, paws at his eyes with the heels of his hands. He feels suddenly very fragile, like unstable, like a bomb. Like he could start crying or puking or throwing punches. He remembers this feeling from childhood, like a dam somewhere inside him has broken and if he stands very still that maybe, maybe he can keep the churning contained. Since Mikey left it’s been worse. The pit in his stomach gnawing and expanding and spreading like sour poison into his mouth and fingertips. Mouth and hands that he puts on, in Carmy. Infecting him too. coming clean on a borrowed floor -> 1,796 words Carmen pretends like he’s so fucking complicated with the secretive little notebooks, the rippling muscles, the big sad blue eyes, but Richie knows him – Richie has always known him – so he gets a fist twisted into Carmy’s hair and presses his cheek into the tile and makes it easy. weren’t we the salt in the sea? -> WIP It’s the worst possible thing, especially here and now, walking in the ghost of Mikey’s footsteps, seeing him everywhere, feeling him everywhere. The prodigal baby brother, home at last, playing the role but in no way filling it. Carmy’s presence here only makes Mikey’s absence clearer. He knows it; everybody knows it. It’s all Carmy should be thinking about. It’s all any sane person would be thinking about. Instead, he watches a bead of sweat snake down the back of Richie’s neck as he pulls up disintegrating tile in the bathroom of the restaurant.

Other

i would shovel the worms that inhabit your brain: Carmy Berzatto/Sydney Adamu/Richie Jerimovich -> 10,845 words It’s not that Richie doesn’t like Sydney. She’s pretty and mean and she can clearly cook her ass off. She’s exactly the kind of woman he goes for: smart mouth, long hair, homicidal tendencies. She’s a little young, but other than that, yeah. Richie could like her. The issue is that Carmen acts ridiculous around her. Her first day, him trailing her around the kitchen like a dementedly friendly shadow: here’s the dish pit, here’s the spice rack, stay away from Richie, hardee-har-har. Whatever, Carmy, Richie thinks, it’s not like you had my dick in your throat twelve hours ago. Oh, wait.

[currymanganese]

I sad. I saw a sydcarmy post on Instagram and the comments were saying that they were brothers, syd was a lesbian (wtf???) and that if anyone there had feelings it was her and not him... I left there very sad 😪😔

Idk what else to say other than - you may want to steer clear of The Bear related fan spaces apart from here on Tumblr, on TikTok, and some corners of Twitter. Many fan spaces on Reddit, Facebook and IG etc. are dominated by casual fans that either a) gloss over Sydney's importance to Carmy, or b) outright hate her because of their own unchecked biases. So if these fans can get away with it they'll argue and downplay the possibility of a romantic relationship developing between the show's leads even if it doesn't align with what we've seen so far on the show.

1. Refuting the first claim "they're like brothers":

In addition to baselessly masculinizing Sydney (a common manifestation of misogynoir) - this claim ignores the fact that Carmy does not treat his siblings the way he treats Sydney, in any given regular moment with his brother and sister, he casually trades barbs with them, curses and verbally fights them. In S1 when Nat tells him the IRS is threathening to seize her house, because of all Mikey's unpaid business taxes, Carmy bitterly and bluntly tells her she shouldn't have cosigned for an addict. Now, mind you, Carmy was under a lot of stress and grieving himself in that moment, but it shows a lack of sensitivity to Nat's feelings / a lack of fear of pushing her away emotionally, "blood is thicker than water" after all and by the end of the episode he and his sister smooth things over.

Also in S2 in Fishes after Mikey makes a comment to Donna that Carmy perceives as Mikey being passive aggressive towards him - "get Carmy to help you, all he does is help." Carmy lashes out at Mikey (his beloved hero of an older brother/father figure mind you) and, to paraphrase, he says (possibly parroting the vitriol that Uncle Lee regularly wields against Mikey) that all Mikey does is make plans and come up with businesses that fail. When stressed Carmy can resort to very low blows against his siblings at the slightest provocations - and in the way that siblings often are - he is not overly concerned about hurting their feelings in these moments, or about running the risk of driving them away permanently.

In contrast, even when (on paper anyways) Syd was just his employee in S1, whenever Carmy loses his temper with Sydney (over the stock that Tina secretly sabotages, and over Syd's eagerness to have her dish approved for the menu) he is on pins and needles when he senses she is withdrawn and unhappy with him in response. He goes out of his way to try to apologize to her - checking in with her by bringing her a meal and prying into what's bothering her in Brigade, and by asking her if THEY are okay again at the end of episode 6. As early as episode 3 in season 1, Brigade, Carmy begins outright referring to himself and Sydney as a "We" - "We wanna change this restaurant, right? We need to change the chemistry." He confides that he's going to Al-anon to Syd in this same episode even before he tells his sister Natalie in episode 4, even though Nat was the one that asked him to go in the first place! And this is after knowing Sydney for a few weeks, maybe even for a month at most!

And in the most startling demonstration of why Carmy does not think of Sydney as a sister, when she leaves in Review after he rages at her, he is despondent - distraught even - he caresses her notebook that she left behind, he wistfully tells Tina that she is dressed like Syd when she finally dons the staff uniform (that everyone wears, including him), he almost burns the restaurant down and makes no move to get the fire under control, and he verbally chides possibly Mikey AND himself for being stupid before opening Mikey's suicide note - AND desperately tries to touch base / reconnect with Syd through text before he opens Mikey's note.

If Syd is like a sister to him, why didn't he reach out to Natalie via text first to let her know he was about to open Mikey's note? Why did he need to know Syd wouldn't ignore him to get the courage to open that envelope? Why does he worry that he may offend Syd by having Mikey's note on the expo in S2, so much so that he delegates Richie to have that conversation with her in Bolognese instead? Why can't he talk to her about something like that himself? Is he afraid of exposing himself by getting too personal with her, like he wanted to in their alley talk in Brigade?

To say nothing of the intensity with which he gazes at Sydney, before nearly always looking away when she looks at him too. What brother feels guilty and self conscious about being caught staring at their sister? And lastly, Carmy bluntly reprimanded his sister for cosigning for Mikey's debts in Season 1, but by Season 2 he and Natalie are jointly jumping 800k, plus interest, into debt to Cicero to open Carmy and Mikey's (but really it's for Sydney!)'s dream restaurant - and he tells Sydney the whole thing is for her in so many words, "Family style? Two tops, booths?" and, "I couldn't do this without you, I wouldn't even wanna do this without you.", and last, but not least, "It's your ship now, Captain." And before they open their doors for Family and Friends night, Syd validates Carmy's affections for her by reassuring him and his family with the mantra that Mikey left behind in the note that Carmy worried that Syd would've been uncomfortable with having on her workstation.

"Let it rip."

Only the note said, "Love you dude, let it rip." Syd wouldn't tell them the first part, "Love you dudes-" for good reason.

Can Syd tell Nat that she loves her and have things remain platonic between them? Syd may think it would be too over familiar to say now since she hasn't known her for long, but yes, things would remain platonic and sisterly between her and Nat if she said that she loved her. Can Syd tell Richie that she loves him and have things remain platonic between them? They were at loggerheads in S1 and have come to have an awkward level of comfort and respect with one another, with Richie telling her father how important she has become to the restaurant (but really, how important she has become to the Berzattos), so yes, if Syd ever told Richie that she loved him in passing in the future, things could still conceivably remain platonic and fraternal/sororal between them. However, as their relationship stands now, can Syd tell Carmy that she loves him and have things remain platonic and comfortable/affable/sexually neutral between them?

NO! SHE CAN'T!

AND THAT'S BECAUSE THIS UNSPOKEN THING BETWEEN SYD AND CARMY IS NOT SIBLING BEHAVIOUR!

AND SYD IS NOT ANOTHER NATALIE BERZATTO, NOR IS SHE CARMY'S SURROGATE FOR MIKEY! 🗣

From personal experience, I have two beloved older brothers and one of them is even a father figure to me, similar to the way that Carmy adored and looked up to Mikey, but I can assure you that they would not jeopardize their livelihoods to appease me after a disagreement or period of estrangement to make my dreams come true to the tune of going almost US$1,000,000 into debt! Carmy has never demonstrated normal platonic/fraternal regard towards Sydney, NEVER! Like @gingerylangylang1979 said, he wants her carnally, he's in love!

2. Syd's sexuality:

And as for Syd being a lesbian? Some of us Sydcarmy girlies hashed out our skepticism over this assumption in the replies of @cruciomione ' s post here. If Syd was a lesbian, if she had not even an iota of romantic affection and desire for Carmy, and her desire to work with him was only attached to her professional regard for him, then she could've left immediately after episode one when Carmy aired out that the business was failing in his argument with Richie

- and nobody would be able to blame her if she never looked back.

Regardless of whether she was consciously in love with him or not at the time, it took no small measure of selflessness, combined with faith in Carmy's skills as a chef and deep compassion for him as a person, for Syd to want to stay with Carmy and help him sort out the mess that was The Original Beef. Carmy was in way over his head. Sydney has seen Carmy at his worst and because he is currently so embattled with unprocessed trauma, grief, stress, and mental illness, and because she is already extremely capable as a chef and former business owner herself, he has not proven himself to be the mentor that she would've been hoping for when she first came to stage at The Beef, but she still chooses him time and time again. It would make sense if she stays and is so devoted to him and the idea of partnering with him to operate his family's restaurant, if her fidelity is partly due to her having feelings for him.

3. Only Syd is attracted to Carmy:

WRONG! See Points 1 and 2 (why they're not like brother and sister/ why it's unlikely that Syd is a lesbian) and also try to explain why a man without feelings for a woman, a man without curtains in his apartment or proper storage for his beloved denim collection would go exponentially deeper into debt to open a dream restaurant with said woman he supposedly has no feelings for, a woman he has known for a year at most, no less! And also explain why (if he has no feelings for her) he'd procure an expensive custom monogrammed designer chef jacket for her even when he left all his other (ACTUAL) work obligations to her undone all season long?? You can't explain it unless his interest in her is not exclusively altruistic and professional, and unless his personal fondness for her and her importance to him (as a woman he is deeply ATTRACTED TO) is superseding everything else he should be caring about, even their own business and his new girlfriend herself.

Only Syd is attracted to Carmy?? But I thought they said she was a lesbian? She can't be a card carrying Kinsey 6 lesbian AND have unrequited love for him at the same time. Antis have to make up their minds, which is it? At the end of the day, Syd still manages to focus on her job despite her possible attraction to Carmy, she doesn't let her feelings distract her from her goals, but Carmy on the other hand is absolutely crushed when he can't make good on his promises he made to her in Omelette, and begins rapidly spiralling downward in the S2 finale accordingly, even before Claire breaks things off with him.

Carmy undoubtedly has feelings for Sydney, otherwise why would he be so frantic when she didn't come to him when he screamed for her from the walk-in the S2 finale? He is deathly afraid of upsetting her and letting her down AND losing her again. His mind is addled for sheer love of her, he is grappling with emotions he is yet to fully understand.

P.S. If you've read this long post, thank you and allow me to shamelessly plug one of my relevant edits 🥰

[gingerylangylang1979]

Jealous Carmy

So we saw Jealous Sydney this season. I didn’t like it at first but now I’m fully onboard with her being petty. I think it’s only fair we see Carmy be jealous in the future.

We’ve seen him be petty twice. He was super petty in S1 fighting with Richie in the fridge. He was also petty about the review with Sydney. Jeremy said he played it as being jealous and I believe him. So how do we think he’s gonna act if he’s romantically jealous, but not aware of it, over Sydney?

We saw him be unhinged when she quit. Yeah, he felt she left him high and dry and he was already raging over the chaos. But, part of me thinks that was the first sign of it being personal with her. It played out like an abrupt breakup that he was blindsided by. We even got the pining sadness with him telling Tina she dressed like Syd and him gently stroking her notebook. Did those scenes not seem like an ex boyfriend having a memory triggered?

So I know if he feels in anyway like her attention and affections are with someone else he’s going to be super uncomfortable. I’m just wondering how this will play it. Will he go full on bear rage mode or will it be a simmering catty petty like Syd?

Thoughts?

[tvseries-writings]

Soulmates VIII

TW: eating disorder

You knew it was going to be difficult; you knew it all right but you didn't think it was going to be THAT hard.

The meals had become so unbearable that you had tried in every way to escape. With chores, with work ... whatever seemed better to you than sitting down to eat with Wanda and Natasha who were next to you and "forced" you to eat everything on that damn list.

You couldn't take it anymore and that was exactly what you would have said to Diane in today's session if she hadn't stood you up. You didn't blame her, she had a fight with her wife of hers and she had to be forgiven and you're a good person so you told her she didn't do anything and that you were fine.

Of course, that wasn't true and it isn't true now. There are two hours to lunch and you already feel on the verge of a panic attack.

You're at work and yet you can't help but think about the French toast you're going to have for lunch and the very thought of it makes you want to throw up.

The sound of the shop door opening distracts you from your thoughts. You are surprised when you see Diane walk in with her wife, Sydney.

You frown as they approach the counter.

"In case you didn't understand ... we made up." Diane smiles at Sydney and kisses her cheek.

"You are adorable," a spontaneous smile purses your lips as you set up a computer on the shelf to your right.

"After twelve years of marriage ... I learned to bear it"

You laugh as soon as you hear Sydney's words, followed immediately by a light slap on her shoulder by Diane.

"Diane told me that because of our little fight she canceled the session with you and I forced her to come and talk to you." Sydney squeezes your hand and gives you a small smile.

"Now I'll leave you alone, honey I'll wait for you at Starbucks"

Diane nods and the two kiss one last time before it's just the two of you left in the whole store.

"Are we alone?"

You nod and Diane smiles.

"How are you?"

You sigh, you motion her to follow you and after hanging the "CLOSED" sign on the door of the shop, you take her to the back, to Bob's office and sit on the two chairs in the room. Facing each other.

Diane sets her gaze on you staring intently at you.

"So ... how are you doing?"

You shrug and Diane takes a notebook and a pen out of her purse.

“I know this is not a conventional session but we are here now. This week is going to be tough y / n »Diane pauses and watches your body movements. Your shoulders are tense and you are closing in again, you have your arms folded under your breasts - a clear sign of closure on your part - and a stiff jaw.

“Y / n, you never work around lunchtime; you won't solve your eating disorder if you keep running away "

You stick your nails in your arms and Diane's words begin to flow in and out of your ears without leaving their mark. You don't want to listen to it, you hate that stupid diet and yes, you are doing what you always do, what you do best. You run away from your problems, always.

You stand up and Diane sighs, she already knows what you're going to say and she gets up too.

«This session will lead nowhere, you are not in the mood and I understand it but tomorrow come to the studio. If this diet doesn't work you already know that I will have to get you hospitalized y / n and I would really like to avoid it "

You say nothing as you see Diane walk out the door and hear the shop door open and then close.

"Fuck" you whisper running a hand through your hair.

"You can't do it right, can you?" you shake your head as some tears fall down your cheeks. You slide with your back against the wall on the floor and bring your knees to your chest by tucking your head between your legs.

You don't know how long you stay there but a little jolt shakes your body when someone strokes your shoulder. You jerk your head up - almost hitting the person in front of you - as you quickly wipe away your tears. Your neck hurts and you wonder how long you've been in that position.

"Hey" Wanda gives you a small smile as she hugs you in a hug.

Your body acts on its own and you hold the Sokoviana in your arms as you let go.

Sobs shake your body and Wanda's heart aches to see you like that.

You stay like this for a couple of minutes before you finally manage to calm down. You detach yourself from the embrace and do everything to avoid meeting the gaze of the redhead.

"What time is it?"

Your voice is hoarse with the effort and Wanda gently strokes her cheek as she replies.

“It's almost three, we got worried when you didn't come back and I came to check. Nat is out here, we came on foot "

Wanda smiles at you and that smile makes you feel slightly better. But the thought of food and the particularly lousy day you're having doesn't make you in a great mood. Not at all.

"I'll let you close the shop, then let's go back to the tower okay?"

Both her tone and her gaze do not allow for replies and you are forced to nod as you get up and prepare the shop for closing.

When you approach the door, having rigorously fixed everything, you can't help but think about the conversation that awaits you, most likely, as soon as you walk through the door of the store.

So you take a good deep breath before you hit the street.

The light forces you to close them for a few seconds. As soon as you reopen them, lock the shop and take the shutter down. For sure Bob won't set foot in the shop today and with a bit of luck you won't get a lecture for leaving earlier.

You reach out to your soul mates and give them a smile, pretend you haven't just gotten out of a panic and start walking with them at your sides.

You interlace your hands and the silence hovers over you, disturbed only by the typical noises of Manhattan.

In less than ten minutes you arrive in front of the Avengers' Tower and go inside by immediately taking the elevator.

Natasha pushes the button on the penultimate floor before turning to look at you. She gives you a smile and she gently strokes your hand.

"Wanda has prepared the French toast, it's probably cold now but we can heat it up, it'll take real-"

You smile - you try to make the most spontaneous smile you've ever done - while shaking your head slightly.

“I'm not really hungry, I think I'll go straight to sleep. I'm really tired and this day seemed endless "

Natasha just wrinkles her nose at your words if you bite the inside of your cheek. Disappointing them makes you physically ill, you had heard that it was one of the "side effects" of having at least one soul mate but you didn't believe it too much. In fact, you didn't believe it at all.

"We know you're not hungry but we can't leave you without eating, at least a sandwich ... please"

Wanda tells you as soon as you get out of the elevator, you leave a kiss on the knuckles and give you a smile.

"I make the best sandwiches in all of New York"

A small smile purses your lips and you nod. Just the thought of food makes you want to throw up but - and you can't explain why it happens - when you're with them you feel like you can do anything, even eat a fucking sandwich.

Wanda claps her hands, happy, and she immediately goes to the kitchen to prepare it for you.

Natasha grabs you by the hips and turns you towards her leaning her forehead against yours while she looks you in the eye

"You are beautiful" Natasha whispers to you a few inches from your lips and you want to protest but she kisses you. She asks for access and you grant it quickly. Natasha is like a lion locked in a cage, majestic and ready to attack.

She draws circles on your back and slides her hands over your butt pushing you even further into the kiss and making it even deeper.

Already disconnected for lack of air and Natasha smiles at you kissing the tip of your nose before taking a few steps away. She moves a lock of hair from in front of her face and a sigh from her escapes her lips.

“I just wish you would see yourself the same way Wanda and I see you; you are so beautiful moya lyubov »Natasha's voice barely cracks. For anyone other than Wanda, the widow is still holding the mask high and yet you can feel that tremble in her voice and her eyes particularly bright.

You draw her into a hug and you don't know how long to stay like that but you only break away when Wanda calls you from the kitchen.

You Give Nat a last squeeze and while she reaches the Sokoviana in the kitchen you, even if you are an unbeliever, begin to pray to whatever or entity or person there is up there as long as you send it good and you can eat that damn sandwich.

Thanks for reading! I am very sorry for the short chapter but I have started school again and I really have to go to sleep so I will post another part tomorrow. Thanks for your patience, leave a comment if you want <3

Taglist: (send me a message if you want to be added) @your-my-mission @fishlikestuff @liladoesfanfics @coollemonsaresour @nuianced-tck-girl @ktstwice @8plasma @wandamaximofflovers @finca-lotr @funniesmemesblog @battleg03 @orangelife @idontknowhowtogay @yeeterthekeeper @nightingalxx @maria-403 @mmmmokdok @definethief01 @marvelwomen-simp @kawaiitoga @razorscooteer

Marvel Masterlist

“Soulmates”

Part I

Part II

Part III

Part IV

Part V

Part VI

Part VII

Part IX

[clumsyclifford]

i know that you’re so afraid

and it’s getting late, 'but i'll stay 'til you come down.

Luke lets himself in and is met with wreckage and a scream that is so guttural, so primal, that for a moment he feels truly afraid. (Or, Ashton's never been like this, and he's falling apart.)

TW mostly for lots of angst and crying and such. however also contains ashton yelling for a moment so if men yelling is something that triggers/upsets you then maybe skip this one. title from come down by noah kahan.

part 1 (tumblr) // part 2 (tumblr)

read it on ao3 here

~

Luke lets himself in and is met with wreckage and a scream that is so guttural, so primal, that for a moment he feels truly afraid.

Then there are sobbing sounds, the gut-wrenching kind that only ever happens when you’re home by yourself and everything has gone wrong, and Luke thinks maybe he understands a little better.

Gingerly, he steps over the throw pillows discarded in front of the door, picking them up as he goes. The living room is in a state of total disarray. Every blanket, pillow, and cushion they’ve ever had on any couch has been yanked off and unceremoniously tossed into a different corner; there are shreds of paper like oversized snowflakes littering the ground. In the middle of it all, on his knees, chest heaving and body shaking with his face in his hands, is Ashton.

“Ashton?” Luke says softly, and Ashton doesn’t look up. He makes a noise, though, a groan that sounds helpless and despairing.

“Fuck,” Ashton says, in a trembling voice. He rubs his hands furiously over his face and pulls one through his hair, which is unruly, like he’s been moving around a lot and hasn’t checked his reflection yet. “Fuck, you — you weren’t —”

“We finished early,” Luke says calmly. “What happened here?”

Ashton shakes his head. “Leave and come back, I’ll — I’ll clean up.”

“Don’t worry about cleaning up,” Luke says.

Ashton grunts viciously and pushes himself to his feet. “Go, please go,” he begs, “I’ll — please.”

He sounds scared, and that makes Luke scared. There are tear tracks all down Ashton’s face, glistening over angry red scratch marks, like he’d tried to claw the tears off. “Take a deep breath.”

“Don’t fucking tell me to take a deep breath!” Ashton shouts, and then his face falls into his hands again. “Luke, please, I’m not like this, I don’t want you to see me like this. Please leave. Please.”

“I live here too,” Luke says. “And I’m not leaving you like this.”

Ashton presses the heels of his palms into his eye sockets. “I don’t want this. Please go away.”

Luke moves gently towards Ashton. “You won’t hurt me.”

“Of course I won’t,” Ashton says helplessly, “but look at the fucking state I’m in —”

“Don’t stop on my account,” Luke says. “Keep throwing shit. Scream all you want.”

Ashton shakes his head, and a sob escapes through his lips unbidden. “Luke, I just need to be alone.”

“I don’t think you should,” Luke says carefully, stepping closer and closer. Ashton doesn’t move until Luke is within arm’s reach, until Luke reaches out hesitantly to touch his shoulder, and then he collapses into Luke, crying harder than Luke’s ever heard anyone cry. The sound tears at Luke’s chest, tugs mercilessly at his heartstrings.

“I’m sorry,” Ashton cries into his shoulder, “I’m so sorry, this is the worst of me.”

There’s nothing to say, really. This is the worst of Ashton, and Luke doesn’t love him any less for it. “It’s okay,” he whispers, holding Ashton tightly, like that will keep him from falling apart any more. “It’s okay. I know. I’m here, I’ve got you.”

Ashton won’t stop apologizing, and he also doesn’t stop crying for a good five minutes. Luke scans the living room over Ashton’s shoulder as he gently cards through Ashton’s hair. It looks like a tornado has ripped through the place. Something really, truly upsetting must have happened. More than one thing, maybe. In all the years they’ve known each other, Luke has never known Ashton like this.

“What happened?” Luke says quietly, when the broken sobs have turned into irregular whimpers and Luke feels exceedingly warm from Ashton’s body heat, numb from Ashton’s weight clinging to him. “Is there anything I can do?”

Ashton sniffs. “Mum called,” he says weakly. “Lauren’s in the hospital. Tripped and cut her leg and she had to get stitches.”

“Oh, Ash,” Luke breathes. It hurts Luke to know that Lauren is hurt; he can’t imagine how bad it must feel for Ashton.

“I can’t be there for her,” Ashton says, sounding angry and hopeless and defeated all at once. “I can’t go. I’m stuck here. Even if I left the minute I got the call, by the time I got there she’d be out.” Luke presses a kiss to the junction between Ashton’s shoulder and neck, and the tension seems to drain a bit from Ashton’s body. “I miss her, and I miss Harry and my mum and — and I miss Sydney so much, don’t you miss home, Luke?”

Luke nods. Generally he tries not to think about how much he misses home, tries not to think about how even after all this time, home is still Sydney, not LA. It hurts, all the more because there’s not a lot Luke can do to remedy it. He can visit, sure, but if he wants to sustain this career he has — if he wants to live his dream — the chances of him ever moving back home are slim to none.

“You can still go,” he tells Ashton, rubbing rhythmic circles into his back, over the rough cotton of his shirt. “And she’ll be okay, you know. It’s going to be okay.” Ashton shakes his head and pulls away from Luke, unreadable from all the emotions flitting across his face.

“I know she’ll be fucking okay, Luke, but I can’t be there when she’s not!” he snaps. Luke tries not to flinch. He’s not scared of Ashton, but he can see how someone could be, in a moment like this. Ashton notices anyway, because Ashton always notices, and he squeezes his eyes shut, fresh tears trekking down his face. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m — I told you I didn’t want you —”

“Ashton, Ashton, no,” Luke says, bringing a hand up to Ashton’s face and tilting their foreheads together. Ashton’s erratic breath leaves staggered puffs of air against Luke’s face, and Luke thinks he might cry, too, except he can’t, because Ashton is crying. They can’t both fall apart; there’d be no one to pick up the pieces. “No. I’m not scared of you. You’re upset. You’re allowed to be upset. Your sister’s in the hospital.”

“I can’t be like this with you,” Ashton whimpers. “You’re all I have, and I’ll scare you off —”

“I’m not all you have, and you could never scare me off,” Luke interrupts. The tears on Ashton’s face are tracing the outline of Luke’s thumb as they make their way down his cheek; Luke cradles Ashton’s face as delicately as he can and wipes the tears away. “We can both go. Even if you get there after she’s out, she’ll be happy to see you.”

“I’m useless,” Ashton says hoarsely, “can’t do anything, can’t even be there to hold her fucking hand while they stitch her up —”

“They wouldn’t let you be there for that anyway,” Luke says. “Ashton. Ash. I’m — I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.”

Ashton breaks down again, falling limp against Luke, and Luke lets him cry it out. He doesn’t say anything. There’s nothing that bears saying. This news is poison, and Ashton needs to flush it out.

“Aren’t you scared?” he murmurs brokenly into Luke’s neck. Luke exhales.

“Of you? Never.”

“I am,” Ashton whispers. “I don’t want this to be me, but I think it is.”

“This isn’t you,” Luke says firmly. “If it were, I’d have seen it a lot sooner. You’d have done it a lot sooner.”

“I tore up my songwriting notebook,” Ashton confesses, sounding terrified to say it out loud. “After I hung up with my mum, I tried to write — I thought maybe — if I could put it in words, but — I can’t. I couldn’t. I was so angry I just — I just ripped it in half. Tore up all the pages.”

That’ll be the scraps of paper all over the floor, then. “It sounds like you needed to rip something up.”

“What kind of person am I that I need to break something when I’m upset?” Ashton says, horrified.

“Don’t do this,” Luke says, tracing arbitrary lines and shapes into Ashton’s back as if he’ll unlock the pattern to make Ashton feel better. “You weren’t just upset. You’ve had a bad day. Bad week. And you haven’t done anything about it. It built up. That’s normal.”

“But what if you’d been here?”

Luke doesn’t know. What if he had been here? Would Ashton have kept it to himself, retreated to his room to cry in solitude? Or would he have screamed anyway, filled the house with heart-wrenching cries, demolished the living room as Luke stood by and watched?

Luke wonders which would be worse.

“Don’t do that either,” Luke says. “I wasn’t here. I am now. You went a little crazy. You’re allowed.”

Ashton huffs, and Luke thinks maybe, just maybe, there’s a laugh hidden somewhere in there. “That’s a nice way of putting it.”

Luke leans away and presses a kiss to Ashton’s forehead. “Can you breathe?” Ashton nods. “Want me to look up flights to Sydney?” Ashton nods again, leaning his head heavily against Luke’s, rough hands wrapping around Luke’s neck like a lifeline, like a noose, like both. Luke thinks he would die for Ashton, if it came down to it; not figuratively, but actually trade Ashton’s life for Luke’s own, and of all the scary things of today, that one is the biggest. He takes a deep breath. “Okay. I can do that. We’ll clean this up later. How about we order pizza for dinner, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Ashton mumbles. “I’m so fucking sorry, Luke.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Luke says. “You have nothing to be sorry for. I know this isn’t you, and I know you feel badly, but you don’t have to be sorry, not to me.”

“But I am anyway.”

“I forgive you,” Luke says, even though there’s nothing to forgive. Ashton closes his eyes and breathes out like someone’s just released pressure on his chest. “Please don’t be sorry anymore. You haven’t done anything that bears forgiving. I forgive you for nothing.”

“Thank you anyway,” Ashton says, deathly quiet. “I’m so — I don’t know what I would do without you, Luke. I really don’t.”

“Lucky for you, you never have to find out,” Luke says, pulling Ashton into a hug. “I’ll find a flight and we’ll bring a bunch of ridiculous presents to Lauren, and we can stay for a little bit. You’ll see them soon. It’ll be good for you.”

“As long as you’re there,” Ashton says softly. “You keep me together.”

You keep me together too, Luke doesn’t say, even if they both know it’s true. That’s the deal, I think.

He closes his eyes and listens to Ashton’s breathing, finally steady, counting the seconds between each inhale. It’s more soothing than the ticking of a clock, and it washes over Luke. This should scare Luke, but it doesn’t: if he could, he’d measure his own breaths against Ashton’s, so when they stopped, so would his.

[askrighthandrecollections]

I am the Bluebird 1

The underground complex was a maze of concrete hallways and corridors. Lora’s scuffed runners thumped against the ground as she ran, her dark blue coat swishing behind her as her magic thrummed beneath her skin.

She turned a corner and ducked into a room, closing the door behind her. Trying to quiet her racing heart and panting for breath, she took in her new surroundings.

“A broom cupboard….”

The tense silence was interrupted by the tinkling of bells from her the inside of her coat.

“No, no, no. Shhh!” she hissed and withdrew a small blue notebook with a silver heart emblazoned on the cover.

There was a new note inside.

zoeyandguys,

Lora, if you get this message, how do you and Right Hand Man have magic? And Are you ok right now?

“I am running on four hours of sleep, deep within the CCC Sydney HQ, and I am not ok!” Lora rambled, an almost manic grin that was more of a bearing of teeth. “I am anything but okay!”

She took a shaky breath. “I can freak out later…I need to pass the time while I wait for the guards to change shift anyway.”

She found an old milk crate to sit on, fanning out the back of her coat as she did. She looked pensive as she spoke.

“Magic is… rare, at least rare in cases of people being born with it. Anyone can learn magic in theory, most don’t because there’s hardly a need or use for it,” She explained. “I picked up spellcraft to compensate for my vision impairment.”

She tapped the left lens of her glasses, the eye behind them was unfocused. “I’m blind in my left eye, vision impaired in my right, hence the glasses. Red picked up a few tricks of his own out of interest in the topic as well to protect me.”

She mulled over her next choice of words. “I learned more after we parted ways though…” There was something cold in her gaze as she stared at the wall, something prowling beneath the surface. “You don’t live through Terrence Suave’s Reign of Terror without learning to bare your own teeth.”

Lora blinked, and whatever had been plaguing her was gone for the moment. “Now then, I suppose introductions are in order!” she hopped up, adjusted her hat, and struck a pose, holding the lapels of her coat. “I’m Lora Wright, also known as Bluebird the Kind.”

She frowned. “I don’t think that title fits me anymore…Eh, I can worry about that later. So! I got time to kill, Ask away folks!”

In a voice so quiet it almost wasn’t heard she added. “Anything to take my mind off of things…”

 [Lora is not okay… but she is available for asks.]

[Her current emotional turmoil will make her open up more to curious askers]

[You get the feeling she has been alone for a very long time…]

[thegirlgangblog-blog]

Girl Gang’s Christmas Gift Guide

Decorations are up, the smell of gingerbread is in the air, and Mariah Carey’s biggest banger is on repeat… it’s beginning to feel a lot like Christmas! December is most certainly our favourite time of the year - there’s plenty of Christmas get-togethers, lots of eating to do, and we all get to hunt for the perfect gift for the ones we love.  But if you’re anything like us, you’ve probably left ALL of your Christmas shopping to the last minute. AHHHHHHH! But there's no need to panic - we have compiled a list of gift ideas for all the lovely ladies in your life! Friends and family take note - it’s time to make your loved ones feel special!

For your Best Friend - Personalised goodies from Typo Typo has just released an awesome range of personalised goodies. Notebooks, laptop covers, phone cases- whatever you can think of can be personalised. Available in gold or rose gold, they’re the perfect gift for your best friend who deserves a lil bit extra!

For The Foodie- MarshmallowClub treats We recently discovered MarshMallowClub on instagram and have fallen in love.  Locally made in Sydney, these sweet treats will have your friend begging for more! Dani and Angie are the masters behind these creations and make marshmallows in all sorts of flavours -  Butter bear, Christmas pudding, Golden Gaytime and Neapolitan (just to name a few...). You can find them at ‘Innocent Kitchen’ in Tempe. They also offer marshmallow subscription boxes where different varieties of marshmallows are delivered to your door each month for around the year fun! Great for those who love a bit of baking and decorating, or for treat lovers like us!

For The Girl-Who-Has-Everything- Pop Jewels Okay, here are a few reasons why we are OBSESSED with Pop Jewels at the moment: they are all handmade, they’re affordable and adorable,  and they are fairly new to the jewellery scene - you won’t be finding everyone (and their dog) wearing these guys. AMAZING! You can find them at the coolest market on Rose Street in Fitzroy, or online and on instagram. Our faves are the daisies- you can’t go past shiny, funky flowers!

For your Sister- Lush Products In case you haven’t already heard, Lush releases special edition products each year for Christmas time and they're INCREDIBLE. Most of the products come with a plastic-free option this year- perfect for those who are environmentally conscious. And Lush doesn’t test on animals! Our pick? Anything with the scent ‘Snow Fairy’ (it's glittery!).

For The Organisational Freak- Anything from Kikki K                                        Every year we can’t go past our fave store for stationary and cute little gifts: KIKKI K! Kikki K is the ultimate gift store for anyone who is obsessed with organisation (or at least attempting to be organised, i.e. us). We picked out a notebook and pen, an adorable gold mirror and the sweetest sausage dog keyring! How could anyone resist?

For The Festival Lover- Glitter from Sportsgirl and earrings from Lovisa Being the festival season, you are sure to have a gal pal or two that is heading to Falls, Laneway or to a concert. Help them get festival ready by preparing a ‘festival kit’ with all the festival essentials. We found that Sportsgirl had some great options for beauty and picked their glitter set and glitter gel. Both are super easy to use and left us feeling so sparkly and glam all night long. For  some cute earrings, we recommend any of the fluffy and bright pom poms from Lovisa.

For your Mum- T2 Goodies T2 is next up on our list and this year they have done exceptionally well with their Christmas ranges. Not only is their packing incredible, but they have so many different gift packs, you are sure to find something. We loved the sampler tea packs - with 20 different teas, they are perfect for those who have difficulty deciding! Your mum will adore this and leave her feeling relaxed and happy during the silly season.

Enjoy your gift giving friends, and have a very happy Silly Season!

Love always,

The Girl Gang xxx

Instagram  // thegirlgang@outlook.com

[stay-trash-2017]

Kim Kayhyun was a girl from a rough past. Her parents broke up when she was only a few months old, her mom is a hard working asshole. Her father was disabled, not disabled in the way you think. He broke his shoulder in a car accident when he was in a car accident with his 5 year old Kayhyun. A few years later he got in another car accident with his girlfriend at the time and fucked up his brain. He cant talk or think as fast as he used to. He has a new girlfriend though, Park Demyuna. She has two daughters who just happen to be kayhyun's favorite people. Her two daughters names are Park Karajin and Jung Runjyun. Runjyun is 11 and karajin is 14 almost 15. Kayhyun is only 14 and has already been put through hell. She has a little brother Hwang Xanie who just turned 8. Kayhun was very greatful for what she had no matter what but her parents did piss her off quite alot. Her school life wasnt any better, sure she had a few good friends who loved her to death but she hated everyone else. Kayhyun's best friend Min aniha and her boyfriend Jeona Jigsew would basically fuck in the middle of the hallway, it is very gross.

KAYHYUN'S POV

      Ive really only has every had one crush in my life time, his name is Bang Chan. He was tall and had the most lucious brown curls in his hair. His dimples so deep you could swim in them, his eyes were so soft and caring, and his voice makes me melt. Its like honey, better yet an angel. I only know this because a little while ago we both auditioned for a music company called JYP, he and i both became trainees and we found a new friend ship through that. He is the sweetest person on earth but every one know the biggest smile hides enormous amounts of hurt. Chan had been through almost as much as i had been through. He came to Seoul in the 3 rd grade and he was constantly picked on because he is from Australia and didnt speak fluent Korean. Once he was fluent people started making shit up about him and he didnt deserve it. The worst thing that ive heard being said to him was that he was going to get dropped faster than a hot potato from JYP. He dosent seem like he takes it to heart but as one of his best friends, i can confirm he definitely does. I have a small group of friends, there is Han Jisung, Seo Changbin, and Chan they are also trainees . I am so lucky to have them through everything. While going to practice everyday after school, we made some new friends. Chan found a new family that he could depend on instead of his own fucked up life. Chan met Kim Woojin, Lee Minho, Hwang Hyunjin, Lee Felix who was also Australian, Kim Seungmin, and Yang Jeongin. They are all so sweet, they have been to hell and back with their own experiences. Woojin was a year older than Chan, Jisung, Changbin, and I.

       Woojin had pupes man, this boy could belt some notes, he is a giant teddy bear. I remember once i was sad because my boyfriend had broken uo with me and told me horrible thing. I hurt myself and it sure as hell scarred but when woojin saw the scars he hugged me tight and made me promise i would never do that again, i agreed because i was extremely ashamed of myself for letting a boy push me that far. Woojin is an all around great guy.

      Minho was a Mean Hoe. He only teased me and his fellow trainees because he cared about us. He used to be a back up dancer for the imfamous boyband Bangtan Sonyeondan. Minho aasnt ashamed to have danced for them but it did cause some self doubt issues when he became a JYP trainee. He was convinced he was too fat or not strong enough, when in reality he couldnt come to realize that one day he would rise to Bts's level. He was always there for everyone especially Jisung, He had grown VERY close to Jisung.

      Hyunjin is an amazing little soft person. He and Jisung shared the same voices, no, not schizophrenic voices. The voices that told them they werent good enough to be a JYP trainee, these voiced told them to do horrible things to them selves. Hyunjin has the scars on his thighs to show. He never wanted to do it but the voices overwhelemed him one night and found himself in a bathtub of cold water. Long, deep, thin lines that covered his thighs.

      Felix is another Aussie boy, him and Chan both born in Sydney. Felix was teased back home for wanting to be an Idol. He was told to kill himslef and that he would never be good. Felix had friends back home, not all of them true but when he was only 15 he moved to Seoul and started learning Korean to become a successful idol. He grew to some what love himself when he met the boys. He truly loved them. Especially  Changbin

        Kim Seungmin had never been bullied but he was abused. He lives with his Meth head aunt, and dont get me wrong all the boys do very much worry bout how permanent  the roof over his head was. Seungmin did his best not to ask for much because his aunt thought she gave him the world. Where in reality he only had a bed, a blanket, and a phone he bought and payed for himself. He was very greatful for what he had and tried his very bets to stay on his aunts good side, most of the time he was but i prefer not to talk about the bad times.

      Jeongin was the baby of the group. He had a great life, or as far as i know. He hasnt really opened up with me yet but i dont want to force him into something he isnt comfortable with.

     Well now that you do know who the boys and how they came to be who they aee today lets continue...

     It was lunch period and Chan, Jisung, and Changbin ran off without me. I was angry but not to mad they were probally writing new music for the group. I decided to listen to my music and write a poem. I got situated at our usual lunch table and pulled out my notebook. I grabbed my phone and my ear buds and started playing Day6, I turned the volume all the way up to drown out any noise from the rest of the cafeteria. I wrote to my hearts content. Poetry was my way of letting out any sadness or anger. The notebook was yanked away and my head shot up to see, Im Sarang. She hated me for no reason. I jumped up and tried to grab the book from her well manicured hands, but it didnt help that i am only 4'9 and she is 5'11 plus the 4 inch heels she was wearing, in all imagine a 4 foot 9 girl dressed in dark colors jumping 2 inches off the ground reaching for a notebook being held by a giant. Sarang prefered to be called Sara. Sara was popular but she was NOT pretty. She looked like Filipino man in a messy blonde wig, with fucked up eye liner and a pale pink off the shoulder top ( i think certain people get that refrence). Sara slapped me down to the ground and thats when, I lost it. I didnt hit her back but I did stay on the floor teary eyed as sara read out the poem i was writing to the entire cafeteria.

"I’ve been thinking ‘bout my life

Is it better if I die

Before I fall asleep forever

I'm trying to find feeling within this nothingness

I’ve been thinking ‘bout my life

Is it better if I die

Before I fall asleep forever

I'm trying to find feeling within this nothingness"

    Sara looked at me a laughed. She gave me a look pure disgust and hatred, thats when I had enoungh. I sat up and snatched the notebook from her hands and grabbed my bag and ran out of Cafeteria. I was running down the hall way when i collided with a man. I fell hard on my butt, i felt my head slam against the hard tile floor. I let out a final sob before the man came to my side, my vision cleared after all the tears had left my eyes. Park Jaehyung.  He was the guitarist of the Band Day6. They had already debuted but he was still needing to go to school.

"Oh my gosh! Im so sorry!" He said very apologetically. He reached for my hands to help me up.  I sniffed and looked him in the eyes and started crying again.

"Yo hey ey, whats wrong?"

"Sara, she makes my life a living hell when all i want is to be left the hell alone when it comes to my inner thoughts!"

"Ugh . . . Sara is my Best friend Byron's sister. If you think she is bad to you, she calls me OPPAR. Me and the rest of my band. She is so annoying. Dont let her get to you. She is just jealous because all the actually hot guys swoon over you instead of her." What Jae had said made sense but im not pretty.

"Shut up, im not pretty. " you managed to say.

"Youre damn right. Youre gorgeous." He said while taking your hand in his. He starred deep into my eyes and kissed me. And wow. Was he some kisser? I didnt feel awkward and stiff, i felt sparks.

     His lips pressed against mine was the best feeling in the world. Our lips mold together and I feel his hand slip to my hip and pull me closer. I wrap my hand around his neck and pull him into me. He pulls away and rests his forehead on mine and i feel great. I hear a throat clear from beside me, and i look over to see Chan dressed nicely with Changbin and Jisung on both side of him. They are holding what seemed like a million lavender roses. Chan looks at me with hurt and dissapointment in his eyes. He walks up to me and places a small rectangular box in my handm without saying a word he turns around and walks out.

Oh boy what have I gotten myself into...