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guardian-of-da-gay · 5 months ago

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Breathless

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For Whumptober 2024 Prompt 1: Panic Attack

tw for implied bullying, panic attacks, undiagnosed PTSD

“As far as I’m concerned, this is a good thing!” Knuckles said petulantly from his place at the very back of the car. “Now I won’t have to go back to that school!”

“You’re suspended, not expelled,” Tom said, his hands clenching and unclenching around the wheel. “Means once your suspension is up, you’re going right back to school.”

Looking in the rearview mirror, Maddie could see Tails staring deeply at his shoes. Sonic was wincing, eyes flicking between Knuckles and his parents in the front seat. He was obviously debating joining in the fight, but keeping out was the better option here. Maddie was in no mood for him to make light of the situation or try to cover for his brother.

Maddie felt overwhelmed. Too much had happened that day and it all centered on her eldest. She’d never regret adopting her kids, but out of all of them Knuckles made her feel like she was in over head. She didn’t know what she was going to do with him! She couldn’t believe he’d gotten himself suspended.

She was apocalyptically angry. Even Tom was mad. He was trying to stay calm though. Trying to keep being the fun parent. Maddie was usually all for that, but not today.

“When we get home, you are grounded!” She said. “That means no–” here’s where she would rattle off the fun things he was suspended from: TV? He didn’t care about TV. Video games? He didn’t play any. Going out with friends? He didn’t have any except his brothers (and Wade). Knuckles didn’t do fun things in his free time unless they made him. They’d grounded him from grapes in the past, but he could totally get by without them. Grounding him from training he’d just ignored . But they couldn’t just not punish him. He’d broken a kid's arm and blown up a bathroom for Christ’s sake.

“No going outside!” She said.

“What?!”

“Yeah!” She’d found a good one, she thought. Judging by his angry gasp, she’d actually found a consequence he would actually feel. “No training. No runs. No hiking. Unless you’re with me or Tom–”

“Or the house is burning down!” Tom cut in.

“--or there’s an emergency like the house is burning down! You are housebound, young man!”

Several things happened very quickly after that.

Knuckles yanked on his seatbelt. It locked. He yanked again and broke it completely from its socket.

There was a chorus of ‘Hey!’ ‘What are you doing?’ ‘Dude, chill!’ ‘Knuckles, calm down–!’

Then the back of the car exploded.

The front end was blasted forward into the other lane. Tom jerked the wheel, tires and passengers screaming. The wild swerve had the car tipping violently to the side. Just when Maddie was sure they would flip, it swung back the other way and the car landed, with a jerky bounce, right-side-up, stationary, and seemingly fine. Except the back of the car was gone.

And so was Knuckles.

There was a click as Sonic unbuckled and then he vanished as well. Maddie could see a blue blur vanish off the side of the road, following a burst of red electricity.

She turned to the youngest first. “Are you okay?” She asked Tails in the back.

“I’m fine,” Tails was flinging off his own seatbelt and jumping out of the wreckage of the car, tails spinning.

Maddie turned to Tom just as Tom turned to her. “Are you okay?” They asked each other at once.

“I think so,” Maddie answered, rubbing her neck. She definitely had some whiplash. It hurt now, it would kill tomorrow.

Sonic reappeared at her window. “Something’s wrong with Knuckles!” He cried.

You don’t say? Maddie thought, pressing at the tense muscles of her neck.

“I think he’s having a heart attack or something!”

“What?!” Tom demanded.

Maddie forgot about her neck. She unbuckled and jumped out of the car. Sonic led the way and she ran after, her mind racing along with her feet. Knuckles couldn’t really be having a heart attack, could he? He was far too young and fit. But he had also lived a rough life. Could he have a hidden cardiovascular problem from some old illness or injury? Her vet brain was taking over, mentally flipping through the possibilities.

Tails stood at the top of a short ridge, marking their way. He turned, hands wringing as they approached. “Something’s really wrong with him!” He said. “I don’t think he can hear me.”

Maddie crested the rise and saw Knuckles at the bottom, back pressed against a tree, crouched down with his fists up, blocking his head. Even from where she stood she could tell he was shaking. His quills were glowing slightly. He didn’t look at them.

Maddie stumble-ran down the rise. “Knuckles!” She slowed as she approached. He didn’t acknowledge her, but she could see his side heaving as he gasped for air. “Knuckles?” He still didn’t respond. She wasted a second debating what to do. But she couldn’t give him space. Not when he was breathing like that. “Knuckles, honey, it’s going to be okay–” She touched his shoulder and his whole body jerked away, slamming into the tree.

“DON’T TOUCH ME!” He roared.

For the second time that day, Maddie got whiplash. Sonic yanked her away at speed just as an explosion of red lightning erupted from the echidna’s body. She was lifted off her feet and crashed into Tom, who managed to keep his footing at the top of the rise. At this rate, she was gonna be in traction tomorrow.

“Sorry,” Sonic said hastily. “Saw where that was going.”

“Knuckles!” Tom yelled, tone caught between concerned and sharpness. “What are you doing?!”

“What did you do–What–” Knuckles wheezed and gasped for breath. Maddie righted herself. He was hyperventilating. “ What did you do to me?! ” He demanded.

“Woah, we didn’t do anything, Knuckles!” Sonic said, zipping down closer to the echidna. “You’ve got to calm down and let us help you.”

“Get away from m–me!” Knuckles face scrunched, teeth grit as he continued to gasp for air like a drowning man. Red electricity fizzled off of him warningly and Sonic took several steps back. He looked up at Tom and Maddie, his helpless gaze matched by the one Tails was giving them.

“This doesn’t look like a heart attack,” Tom said so just Maddie could hear.

“I didn’t think so either,” she said. “You guys just keep back a second, okay?” She stepped out of Tom’s grip. She didn’t see the look Tom shot to Sonic, but she saw Sonic nod, resolve in his eyes. She had a feeling if Knuckles exploded again, she’d find herself yanked back at warp speed once more.

She approached the trembling echidna, cautious but not afraid. She faced down bulls, pregnant beef cows, and feral cats on a near daily basis. And this was her kid.

“Stay back!” Knuckles roared at her approach. “I’ll hurt you!” He said it like it was both threat and fear. Electricity arced off his trembling body.

“Honey–”

“Don’t call me that!” Knuckles yelled, his voice strangled and breathless. “ You gave yourself away! I know your game–” he wheezed “--you use sweet words so I don’t no-notice you locking the cage door–”

“We’re not locking you up,” Maddie said. “We’d never do that, no matter how much trouble you’re in.” She kept advancing forward, stooping at the waist so she wouldn’t loom over him. “But that doesn’t matter now. I need you to calm down–”

“No! No! ” He growled, sucking air rapidly through his grit teeth. “I need–I need to get away…” He fumbled with his hands, movements made clumsy by his shaking fingers.

“Do you want to go home?” Maddie asked. Maybe he would feel better if they were in a familiar environme–

“I need off this planet!” He ripped at the cuff of one glove and a golden ring flew out and disappeared into the grass. Knuckles let out a sound that was half growl, half sob. He pushed himself into the tree, looking anywhere but at her. “ What did you do to me ?”

Maddie shook her head. “Nothing, honey, you’re just… I think you’re just having a panic attack.”

“I’m being attacked?!”

“No. You’re safe,” she said firmly. “But your mind is tricking you into thinking you’re in danger. But you’re not. You’re safe .”

“Yo- you’re tricking me! I can trust my–my mind!” His words fumbled around his rapid breathing. “I can trust myself! I–” His eyes flitted around, seeking escape.

He squeezed his eyes shut tight again. He was beginning to list to one side. Maddie feared he might actually faint if he couldn’t get his breathing under control.

There was nothing she wanted nothing more than to reach out and right him. Then maybe grab him up into a hug. But she couldn’t. Helpless and overwhelmed, she didn’t know what to do. Hugs and kind words were her go-to methods for Sonic and Tails. Knuckles had spat at her kind words. He’d screamed at her hug. Her big tough boy was falling apart and there was nothing she could do.

“I can’t–I can’t–” Knuckles gasped for breath, clutching at his chest and swaying slightly. “I can’t breathe .”

“I know,” she said miserably. “I know, honey, but you have to. You’re so strong, Knuckles, I know you can. You have to take a deep breath like–” For her it would be yoga, but for Knuckles? “--when you meditate? Try to meditate. Focus on your breathing and nothing else.”

“I want it to stop,” Knuckles said.

“It will,” Maddie promised. “It’ll be over soon.”

Maddie had had panic attacks before, in vet school. She didn’t think they’d been this bad though. Or maybe this was just what it felt like to be on the other side. She’d need to ask Tom.

She resisted the urge to try and get him counting his breaths. When Tom had done that she couldn’t do it and then she’d just felt more stressed for failing to be helped. She doubted Knuckles would feel the same way, but he was so independent–like ‘decides to break the arm of a kid that’s bullying him instead of telling literally anyone’ levels of independence–that he would probably be stressed most that he couldn’t control himself.

No, they just had to ride this out. Maddie remembered it always felt like her panic attacks took forever to go away. It was the same when watching one.

Knuckles’ face scrunched as he breathed forcefully through the nose and out the mouth. It was still too fast. She worried, was he getting enough oxygen? One of his hands fell away from his head and to the ground, propping him up. Maddie squashed the urge to rub his back. She wanted so badly to be able to soothe him, but all she could do was crouch beside him and whisper that it would be okay. It would be over soon and then they could go home.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry I started this.” She was sure she was the cause. It made her feel even more awful. “It’ll be over soon. I promise. We’ll go home and you’ll feel better.”

“Will I…” Knuckles’ breathing was a tiny bit slower. “Will I still be g-grounded to the house?”

“No,” Maddie said quickly. Her bright idea didn’t seem so bright now. “I’ll– We, you, Tom, and I, will talk about what would be a fair consequence later.”

His voice pitched up and shook. “Will you break my arm?”

“What? No!”

“I broke that boy’s arm.”

“We will never punish you by hurting you,” Maddie said firmly. “Don’t worry about that now, okay? Just focus on breathing and feeling better. That’s all you need to think about right now, okay? Nothing else matters.”

Maddie didn’t know how much longer it was before Knuckles was breathing normally again. Long enough that she saw a flash of red and blue on the other side of the rise. Someone must have found their empty, destroyed car. At the top of the rise, Tom had the other two boys in some kind of huddle. He left to deal with whoever had just arrived.

Beside her, Knuckles straightened. She glanced over at him. He was sitting more normally, breathing more normally, and looking absolutely awful. Maddie remembered that post-attack feeling. Like a soggy, wrung out dishrag. Even someone as strong as Knuckles wasn’t immune to tha. But it was over.

“Whenever you’re ready,” Maddie said in her softest, ‘approaching a scared dog’ voice. “We can go back up with the others.”

Knuckles didn’t look at her or answer. He just stood up and started trudging up the little hill. Maddie followed after, watching him. His movements were a little unsteady, like his limbs had forgotten how they worked. Knuckles always carried himself like he was eight feet tall. Seeing him off balance and shaken felt wrong.

Knuckles didn’t acknowledge Sonic or Tails. Sonic opened his mouth to say something as he stalked passed, but cut himself off. Instead he and Tails fell in line, flanking their brother as they all headed back to what remained of their car.

Tom was talking to an officer. Maddie couldn’t remember his name at the moment. The man was looking at their destroyed car and scratching the back of his head as Tom spoke to him. He lifted his head so Maddie could see his confusion clearly. His gaze swept over to them and when his eyes landed on Knuckles his expression cleared. He nodded like Knuckles’ presence had just answered a question for him. Maddie was almost offended before she remembered that this was Knuckles’ second act of destruction that day. This was his m.o. Their insurance premiums showed the scars.

Tom turned away from the accident and came jogging over. He watched Knuckles just a little too long as he approached. Maddie could see the moment he realized he was staring. Tom looked away and avoided looking at him again.

There was an awkward pause as the whole family seemed to be waiting to see if anyone would acknowledge what just happened. Maddie was of the mind that they weren’t going to do anything that made Knuckles uncomfortable until he looked less visibly shaken. And Knuckles looked like he wanted everyone to forget the whole thing. So, for now, that’s what she was going to do.

“Uh…” Tom broke the silence. “Wade’s going to come pick us up.”

Oh, Maddie felt a genuine flash of relief. “Oh, Wade?” She looked at Knuckles. “That’ll be nice, right?”

Knuckles wasn’t even looking at her. He was staring at the car with a look of deep confusion.

“Knux?” Sonic asked, his voice softer than usual.

When Knuckles finally spoke, his voice rasped: “What happened to the car?”

All the Wachowskis looked at him with varying levels of confusion, concern, and dismay. Maddie’s heart plummeted and for the first time in this whole incident she felt a flash of true fear. She looked into Knuckles’ genuinely baffled face and knew she was truly, deeply , in over her head.

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taste-in-music · 2 months ago

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my top 10 songs of 2024

picks 11-30 beneath the cut

30. Divine by Saleka, Kid Cudi: Before watching Trap by M. Night Shyamalan, I knew it was part thriller about catching a serial killer, part vehicle to launch his daughter Saleka’s singing career. After watching it, I was a certified stan of father and daughter alike, because I don’t care about the nepo baby allegations when the music is this fucking good. (I also had a blast with the movie. Must a film “make sense?” Is it not enough to watch Josh Hartnett go berserk at the in-universe equivalent of the Eras Tour?) While Saleka created an entire album of bangers for her fictional pop star Lady Raven, “Divine” has to be my pick off the track list, a silky-smooth R&B crooner with an energetic thrum to make it appropriate for both chilling out and throwing back. Saleka isn’t the first to compare a love affair to a divine calling, but she does a great job of actually capturing the intrigue and transcendence evoked by the metaphor, and she also has great chemistry with Kid Cudi. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a sequel to Trap, partly because I'm always down to watch Josh Hartnett go berserk, but mostly because that means we'd probably get another album from our corvid queen.

29. Scorsese Baby Daddy by SZA: SZA comes in right under the wire once again with a release in December, making my job a lot harder, because if SZA drops new music, how could I not include it on my year-end list? It’s hard to say which track of her SOS deluxe album LANA is going to stick in the zeitgeist, but my immediate pick is “Scorsese Baby Daddy,” which was so immediately addictive that I listened to it 20 times in a row when it first dropped. SZA treads familiar lyrical ground on the song, grappling with insecurity, unapologetically pursuing amazing sex, and spiraling into emotional attachments. “Addicted to the drama,” she sings in tandem with the song’s title, batting away the self-chastisement with the heady rush of a new love, “doing the most” and hoping it isn’t too much for her lover to take. Much like my list pick off SOS, “F2F,” I love how “Scorsese Baby Daddy pivots SZA’s sound towards a loping rock palette, a swaggering drum kick fleshed out with guitars and more affirmed vocal delivery. Sonics aside, it’s SZA’s conviction and blunt honesty that makes the track one of the best of the year, even if it arrived the latest.

28. Tough Love by Gracie Abrams: This song could’ve been a ten second voice note of Gracie Abrams saying “No chance I’ll waste by twenties on random men / Not one of them is smarter than all my friends” and it still would’ve made this list. Abrams’s Swiftian mode of detail-laden songwriting doesn’t always cohere for me, but on “Tough Love,” they map out a chilly post-breakup night in Boston. Killing time on a bench by the river. A ripped jacket. Her ex kicking her in bed while sleeping. Aaron Dessner’s production captures the melancholic expanse of these experiences: atmospheric drones with a hint of warmth, the gentlest swell of strings. It allows Abrams’s storytelling to shine, celebrating female friendship and the newfound independence of young adulthood, reveling in its thorny edges and small joys. “Tough Love” is the gentle smack upside the head, the reminder that no matter what useless boys might throw your way, you never have to take it on alone.

27. It's No Fun by Grace Enger: Enough about romanticizing my life and daydreaming about unrequited crushes! Only Grace Enger is brave enough to tell it like it is about wanting someone who will never want you back: it's no fun. Like her previous best track “The Neighborhood,” Enger ups the ante behind her singer-songwriter schtick on "It's No Fun." Her acoustics get a little crunchy and electric, her voice rises to a frustrated belt, the drums clammer in like a pounding heartbeat. “In my eyes, you’re the sun,” she sings, “Think you liked the way I spun and spun and spun around you.” The only way to keep yourself from getting sucked back into the toxic cycle is severing the ties, and Enger dramatizes this in one of the most cathartic bridges this year, describing the fury at having to take the high ground, break off the friendships, and pursue reconciliation all on her own. Just because the love isn’t mutual doesn’t mean that your heart won’t break, and I’m grateful for songwriters like Enger that transform these feelings into songs I can scream along to to get to the other side of it.

26. DENIAL IS A RIVER by Doechii: I was embarrassingly late to the Doechii train. While I had heard praise for her latest record Alligator Bites Never Heal throughout the year, it took watching her electric turn at NPR’s Tiny Desk to finally get off my ass and check out her music. The song that lit the fire was “DENIAL IS A RIVER,” a dialogue between Doechii and an alternate persona dramatized as a rapped conversation about her life until now and her current mental state. It doesn't just offer bouncy flows, memorable punchlines, and sparkling chemistry, but a great place to start if you’re also just now catching up with the Doechii phenomenon. Her free-flowing narration is basically a "previously on..." segment, covering catching up with an ex’s side piece over Zoom, being thrust into the spotlight in the wake of viral success, and coping with the stress through less-than-sustainable means, culminating in a breathing exercise where Doechii dramatically dry-heaves into the mic. Doechii’s raw wit and charisma as a performer is impossible to deny, and I won't make the mistake of being behind on her releases ever again.

25. Truth Or Dare by Tyla: One of the most exciting rising figures of pop music in 2024 was South African amapiano star Tyla, who broke through onto the Billboard charts last year with the splashy jam “Water.” The self-titled debut album came in 2024, and with it a cavalcade of sexy, sumptuous music perfectly crafted for glitzy nights on the town. “Truth or Dare” first popped out to be when I saw Tyla’s set at Lollapalooza, where she delivered its silky beat and hooky melody while dancing atop a giant tiger in a marble printed bodysuit with a team of backup dancers. On the song, she cuts into an addressee that dismissed her in the past but is suddenly all up over her now that she’s successful. “Dare you to forget / That you used to treat me just like anyone,” she reminds them with a voice like sugar viper venom, “Is it true you care? / Now that you see the love from everyone.” It’s that touch of spikiness within the sensuality that lends the song its magnetism, a raised brow daring you to keep coming back for more.

24. Right Back To It by Waxahatchee, MJ Lenderman: “Right Back To It” was easy pick for one of the best songs of 2024 the day it came out. Mind you, that day was January 9th. Nearly an entire year later, that first impression hasn’t faded in the slightest. With her quiet confidence and knack for serene folk compositions, I’m convinced Katie Crutchfield could write poignant yet down-to-earth crooners about complicated relationships and the passage of time in her sleep. But “Right Back To It” is no snoozefest, it's vivid and homey, all tangy banjo and canoodling guitar with a steady foundation of bass to anchor it into the earth. Crutchfield’s vocals are a warm hug, her signature rasp melding perfectly against MJ Lenderman’s subtle harmonizing. But what makes the song particularly special is how it articulates what it's like to have someone with whom, no matter how much time as passed or how many conflicts arise, you can return to with certainty and stability. “You just settle in like a song with no end,” Crutchfield says, knowing it's something to hold close to her chest: “if I can keep up, we’ll get right back to it.”

23. Check by FLO: British trio FLO are on a quest to bring the sultry sass of 2000s girl groups into the 2020s, bursting onto the scene with the cheeky confidence of divas that have already been slaying the scene for years. Jorja Douglas, Stella Quaresma, and Renée Downer wield their supple triad harmonies into sticky hooks that rival the best songs of the era they pull from. Is this song catchy? Check. Are the harmonies on point? Check. Is it one of the best pop songs of the year? Check. The lyrics focus on the post-launch vetting process of modern dating, the narrator ringing off each desirable quality of her new beau like she's scribbling it in a heart-locked diary with a glitter gel pen. He’s trustworthy, loyal, spoils her, and pays for their dates. Finished off with perky squiggles of guitar, gossamer synths, and a locked-in drum groove that begs for hip swinging, it’s a song that matches the boy toy described, “a perfect ten.”

22. Yeah x10 [MIXED] by Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, Boys Noize: It’s hard to write about a song off the Boys Noize-remixed version of the Challengers soundtrack in isolation, because my enjoyment of that album is deeply wrapped up in how every song on it flows together. But amidst the pulse-pounding thrum of sultry electronics that comprise the record materializes the particularly insidious hook of “Yeah x10,” built around the simple refrain of the songs title. I can’t tell you how many times this year I mumbled “Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah” under my breath as I typed up essays, folded my laundry, or took out the trash, infusing these mundane tasks with the badass bitchery of Tashi Duncan and co. That’s the power of this song, it’s two-clap pop-and-locking, the sly swerves of car tires skidding across pavement, all ratcheting up to a fever pitch of static before it locks back into a catwalk groove. With this song yeah-yeah-ing it’s way into your ears, for a moment, we all get to be part of the hottest movie of the year.

21. THINGS BEHIND THINGS BEHIND THINGS by Bon Iver: “THINGS BEHIND THINGS BEHIND THINGS” hit me late in autumn, as most of Bon Iver’s music does, ushered in by chilly November winds and existential agony over what the hell I’m going to do with my life. It nestles comfortably within the established Bon Iver sound—folky guitars, crystalline textures, alto pontification from Justin Vernon. “I’m afraid of changing,” he admits, and this anxiety over stagnation saturates deep into the song. Lyrically, he bends platitudes backwards into modes of self-examination, “I get caught looking in the mirror,” “I got caught compiling my own news,” pursuing an explanation for it all. The song’s title offers up a hazy gesture towards the interconnectivity that links our lives together, echoes of history swirling into the edges of our reflection. “THINGS BEHIND THINGS BEHIND THINGS” is as comforting as it is confounding, a reminder that we cannot move forward without looking back, looking in.

20. Sucia by Empress Of: Just one of the many sensual pop gems on Empress Of’s forth record For Your Consideration, “Sucia” pulls apart from the rest of the pack by being one of the most unapologetically dirty songs of the year. “I’m’a roll around in it,” Lorely Rodriguez taunts over a filthy combination of churning bass and grumbling vocal samples that’ll get your ass shaking. Throughout the song, she alternates fluidly between English and Spanish, and boy howdy am I glad I sharpened my language skills while studying in Spain this year, because it means I can furiously blush along to her lyrics, which are bonkers explicit and so so fun. “I can’t keep clean when your face is between / Cuando estás entre mis piernas” makes me feel like I need to take a goddamn shower. “I smell your sweat / You’re so hard / to forget” is the lyric break of the year, slipping by so slyly you might miss the double entendre. “Sucia” ecstatically revels in the dirtiness, celebrating the pleasure it brings, polishing away the grime to reveal the sparkling pop gem at the core.

19. Motorcycle by Remi Wolf: I usually turn to Remi Wolf’s music for rambunctious production and boisterous energy, but on “Motorcycle,” the butter-smooth ballad that lands smack dab in the middle of her latest album Big Ideas, she chooses to take things slow. It’s truly special when the moment of reprieve on a pop album hits just as hard as the bops, and on “Motorcycle,” Remi Wolf’s minimal approach works wonders. Every detail is perfectly curated to supplement the sensual, balmy atmosphere, a sly shuffle of bass, a sprinkle of snare, a wa-wa-ing synth. The details are languid and sun soaked, smoking on the roof sans bikini top, watercolor puddles, the ordinary romance of positing “we could get a dog.” It’s hard to make comfortable rest as compelling as bombastic breakups or chaotic crushing, but Remi Wolf pulls it off. What’s the good of all that drama if there isn’t a great song to play over the end credits? “Motorcycle” is the sound of the breeze rippling through your hair as you ride off into the sunset.

18. bye by Ariana Grande: It’s a bold move to have the first proper song on an album be all about endings, but Ariana Grande pulls it off on her spectacular seventh record eternal sunshine. Despite the tragedy of the song describing a breakup, “bye” is a downright joyous listen. Like other titanic entries in her catalogue, such as "Honeymoon Avenue," "Greedy" and "Into You," "bye" transforms Ariana’s familiar realm of modern R&B-pop and infuses it with a timeless, exuberant extravagance off the bouncy horn accents, disco-dappled synth swing, and punchy strings. It’s the perfect backdrop for her to reframe the details of a breakup with a soft smile, her friend Courtney pulling up in the driveway, moving boxes, anticipating the moment in the future where she can "look back with love." Despite the controversies and Broadway blockbuster adaptations that shaped her public image in 2024, Ariana Grande sounds wholly comfortable and secure in the choices she narrates here. At this point in her career, she has nothing left to prove, but that doesn’t mean she can’t keep raising the bar regardless.

17. Juna by Clairo: Living up to the title of the album it hails from, Clairo’s sweet little indie hit “Juna” is reserved yet effortlessly charming, infusing her cozy bedroom-pop aesthetic with swanky jazz ornamentation. “Juna” shimmies and sparkles with lush details, glistening keys, velveteen-soft guitars, and a silly yet sumptuous mouth-trumpet solo. Clairo’s delivery throughout the track is reserved, almost hushed, like she’s whispering lovestruck confessions right into your ear. “You make me want to buy a new dress,” she whisps, before infusing the sweetness with a subtle sensuality, “you make want to slip off a new dress.” The subdued, rich orchestration of the song lends to its palpable intimacy and shimmying anxiety of recognizing just how well somebody knows you, how exciting it could be to eventually see more of them. “With you there’s no pretending,” Clairo affirms. “Juna” feels warm and familiar, but also opens up a new dimension to her sound. Despite the lingering shyness, she comes off more assured in herself than ever.

16. Better Hate by Jessica Pratt: My adoration for Jessica Pratt’s album Here In The Pitch was a slow burn this year. While opener “Life Is” captured my attention back in July, but it was the follow up of “Better Hate” that fully enraptured me and kept me coming back. The song's composition is dark yet sumptuous, like pitch black velvet, and inscrutable yet delectable mode of chamber pop infused with a lively bossa nova swing. Pratt’s voice careens out of the tapestry like it’s pouring out of a gramophone in the corner of an attic, welcoming the listener to ponder the nebulous lyrics on self-recognition and a relationship in question alongside her: “I’ve been clear before / what’s the longing there? / Just a sad case, I’m nobody’s fool.” Do I know what that means? Not completely, but I believe from the conviction of her delivery that Jessica Pratt does. In the meantime, I’ll have to keep letting this song welcome me into its enigmatic depths, parsing for meaning in the darkness. If we're all here in the pitch, we might as well get comfortable.

15. cherry cola by Devon Again: This might just be the poppiest pop song of the year, in title, subject matter, and sound. I started bumping Devon Again’s “Cherry Cola” back during the Summer, and in the months since, its pulse-pounding, explosive sugar rush hasn’t waned in the slightest, each repeated spin as fun and fizzy as the last. Every time I hear it my heart feels too big for my chest. Or maybe I'm just overcaffeinated, much like Devon Again herself. The song abounds with sweets-studded details of a whirlwind romance that’s almost too intense to bear. “Loving you is like sipping on straight syrup,” Devon Again belts on the chorus, “Cover me in in candy / I’m so lucky that I get to know you.” The production lives up to that description, reducing the thrill down to sticky pop concentrate. Every synth, cymbal hit, and flourishing swarm of guitar builds up and up to an impossible height, the carbonation foaming up over the lip of the glass and cascading over you for a taste of bubbly joy that you’ll never forget. Shoutout to @bellamysgriffin for putting this on my radar.

14. Theater by Etta Marcus: Etta Marcus busts down the door on her debut album The Death of Summer & Other Promises with “Theater,” an avalanche of drama and panache you’d expect from the song’s title. Lyrically, she recounts putting on a performance of perfection and nonchalance for her partner, and as the song progresses and the instrumental escalates, the reality of the situation peels back and back until there’s nothing but an empty stage and glaring lights laying her desperation bare for everyone to see. “I wanna be loved,” Marcus confesses with the power of an entire breath as the drums crash in, “I wanna be loved / Like right out of a movie where I’ll be the star.” Imagination is a powerful and necessary tool for us to picture the best for ourselves, but it can’t stop the pain which comes with returning to reality and all that idealism fades away. “Theater” is the song for that first breath of realization, the daydream and nightmare slamming up against each other in one of the best power ballads of the year. A round of applause, now, everyone, for the damn good show.

13. Ever Seen by beabadoobee: Even as beabadoobee continues to come into her own as a singular singer-songwriter and bona-fide rock star, working with the likes of Rick Rubin, I must confess that my favorite music from her will always be her adorably earnest synth pop tracks, like those from her 2021 EP Our Extended Play. Thank goodness she still offered up some of that on her latest record This Is How Tomorrow Moves with “Ever Seen,” a song so ridiculously lovestruck and adorable that it makes me both euphorically gleeful and jealously infuriated. The song captures the feeling of gazing into your lover’s eyes so hard you can feel hearts blooming in your pupils like a cartoon character, a gauzy whirlwind of fluttering guitar strums and beabadoobee’s cotton-candy wisp of a voice. She alludes to deeper reasons why this relationship means so much to her, but at the end of the day, it distills down into a single detail: “He has the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.” And sometimes it really is that simple, the act of seeing, of being seen, that mutual recognition that’s simply electrifying in such circumstances. Isn’t that what love is all about, at the end of the day? Until I’m able to find such magic in the real world, I’ll just have to keep returning to this song to remind that it’s obtainable in the first place.

12. The Architect by Kacey Musgraves: Kacey Musgraves writes an open letter to a higher power on “The Architect,” wrestling with the desire for there to be “blueprints or plans” that would imbue her life with a deeper meaning. Whether you’re religious or not, I think there’s something universal in this feeling, the clutching for an explanation of life’s haphazard mechanics and boundless beauty. Musgraves scales these emotions from a single sweet apple to the Grand Canyon to her own face in the mirror, her clarion voice set against a gentle rollick of simple strummed guitar. My favorite touch are Daniel Tashian’s backing vocals, a voice in the distance that seems reachable one moment and invisible the next. The song finds fruitful ground in the ambiguous confluence of fate and free will. “I thought that I was too broken / And maybe too hard to love,” she sings in the song’s final verse, “I was in a weird place, then I saw the right face / And the stars and the planets lined up.” Whose face is it? The architect’s? A lover’s? Her own? Even though life’s grand plan remains out of reach, Musgraves relays how, every so often, we can still find moments where everything seems to make perfect sense.

11. Docket by Blondshell ft. Bully: “Docket,” Blondshell’s one-off single in collaboration with indie rocker Bully, takes the award for my favorite opening line of the year: “I said ‘Don’t shake my hand it’s wet’ he said, ‘I’ll kiss it instead’ / He said ‘I saw the whole show,’ I’m not scared of the sweat.” There’s an allure in someone cutting through your excuses and wanting you for everything you are, no matter how repugnant it can be. On the rest of the song, Blondshell and Bully unpack a doom spiral of sex and guilt amidst life on the road, parsing through the desire for closeness and distance, marking down hookups on a checklist of obligations to smother the self-loathing. “It’s cruel to let you love me” they harmonize at the brink of the chorus, remembering the partner waiting for them back home, “I don’t want what I need.” The song animates the whirlwind of shame and half-satiated lust with scorching guitar riffs and screamed backing vocals pushed deep into the mix, the admission of guilty conscious clawing to the surface at the shoulder-shrug declaration at the end of the chorus: “My worst nightmare is me.”

Honorable mentions: "Down Bad" by Taylor Swift, "Do you wanna" by Astrid Sonne, "Comin' Around Again" by Amber Mark, "Love Me Not" by Ravyn Lenae, "Pushing It Down and Praying" by Lizzy McAlpine, "Whatever Forever" by Ber, "Houdini" by Dua Lipa, "Big Love" by Suki Waterhouse, "Touch" by Katseye, "Cha Cha" by Sophie Hunter, and "Sticky" by Tyler, The Creator, GloRilla, Sexyy Red, and Lil Wayne.

And that's the list! In a year where the blockbuster releases didn't let up for a second, I'm sure I missed a lot of great stuff. Please let me know what your favorite songs of 2024 were!

Thank you all for the support for this blog throughout the year. Here's to 2025 being just as amazing for music.

Much love, TIM

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