#Songwriter88

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A Lesson Instead of Love: I wasn’t high maintenance to start with, which I know also made me a great candidate for selfish and greedy men. I was super giving. My first boyfriend Stewart, claimed at one point his mom and him were living in their car, homeless. My whole family felt sorry for stew and we let him move in and he lived on our couch for 2 years rent free. Wouldn’t hold down a job nor did he ever thank us or pay us back. We didn’t ask him to pay us back but I mean, not even a thanks. In fact, when he finally left, he had a horrible attitude with me!

uh, so, my dad would always try to buy me something but my dad could be critical at times and show me “tough love” and yeah I do believe my dad loves me and is super protective but also my dad sometimes has low self esteem and I believe he sees some of himself in me and projects it on me too without knowing it. I don’t think my dad understands when he’s being critical of me. So I never really wanted him to buy me anything, just accept me as I am and try to understand me more. He would fight an army for me I do believe that but yet I never felt good when he picked at me or made little comments to me. He never supported my dreams to make music my career.

So that does make sense also why I would chase these emotionally unavailable men who also criticize me and project low self esteem on me but those men would not protect me. They would throw me to the wolves!! (They are the wolves, actually)

my husband is exactly like my dad accept not so much critical but he also shows love in buying me stuff and it’s irritating. I don’t view love in that way. I wanted love to be organic, special, grand and pure. I wanted love to be just about me and my person only. No material things included. I told the first guy I ever loved that I would marry him in a barn; standing in dirt!!!!! That’s how much I wanted “love” and not just a wedding but all these men are superficial and can only see my outer appearance and they strive to appear successful. They never saw my heart or could feel my love. 🥺

I was overly emotional, a dreamer and super sensitive and giving. I had SO much to give and my exes needed so much from me but once they each bled me dry, then it’s not enough and they need more!!! So, they move on and leave me in the dust; confused, isolated and cold.

I wrote this song about “only wanting love” but getting a “lesson” instead:

Lyrics:

You showed up Just to unpack your trauma And I put up with all your drama

I showed up hoping to find the one But instead I found a loaded gun

All I wanted with you was love But all you gave me was an obsession trying to create beautiful dreams with you and life turned you into a lesson

All you wanted was to use me up Now I have just one confession I never wanted to go to war but you made me stronger than before

All I wanted with you was love but life gave me a lesson 🥺🎶

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Lyrics: First you said you loved me With all your heart and soul then you went no contact So that you could gain control

The less that you gave me Only made me want you more I’ve never been so obsessed with anyone before

I’m brave enough to say You made me your addict downplay my existence I know I’m not dramatic

I gave you all my love while you tried to wreak havoc Tell the world I’m crazy I know I’m not dramatic ❤️‍🩹🎶

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It actually took me a bit to realize people commenting on my songs that I write have actually been through what I’ve been through and they relate to me and yeah that’s sad in way, but that lets me know that my music is not for nothing that my music has purpose and I use music to help heal. I just hope that it’s helping others heal too because I don’t want anyone to feel alone and they’re not. ❤️‍🩹

You can hear this song and more on Spotify and SoundCloud: @ songwriter88

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Dramatic 🎶 (Song I wrote about being trauma bonded to someone)

Lyrics: First you said you loved me With all your heart and soul then you went no contact So that you could gain control

The less that you gave me Only made me want you more I’ve never been so obsessed with anyone before

I’m brave enough to say You made me your addict downplay my existence I know I’m not dramatic

I gave you all my love while you tried to wreak havoc Tell the world I’m crazy I know I’m not dramatic ❤️‍🩹🎶

My ex Andrew and I had just started our “relationship” then that very next week he went “no contact” for the whole week and I thought he had ghosted me! 😩 Then he came back exclaiming what a busy/bad week he had but wouldn’t tell me what all happened to him… He did apologize and said it wouldn’t happen again but it actually happened a lot through out our relationship 🫠 I confronted him so many times about it and he would make me all these promises he couldn’t keep. Little did I know, it was all part of the emotional abuse so he could have total control over me becuase it didn’t take long before I was walking on eggshells around him and I also began to question if there was other girls involved (there was) 🥺 After we broke up, he acted like I made up our whole relationship in my head and I felt sooooooo stupid for all of it! If you’ve endured emotional abuse, you’re NOT dramatic. That person manipulated you and deceived you. ❤️‍🩹

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😔😔😔 Subconsciously even when I had no idea I was emotionally abused, I knew my exes broke my heart and I honestly believed it was a normal break but then I couldn’t stop obsessing my exes and playing out scenarios in my head 😳😳😳 I kept fantasizing I got my exes on catfish to confront them but confront them about what???? Also, I felt they were toxic and found myself wanting to obsessively talk about them!!!! I KNEW something was wrong with me and I felt soo disconnected in my relationships. Not until I learned what emotional abuse was, then I slowly started to get clarity BUT it gets worse the more information I gain from the past. The more answers I get to why I feel the way I do, makes me more paranoid, sad and frustrated!

but I try to put all this negativity into my music and find some kind of positivity in it all! I try allow myself to feel healing waves when I record a song. It’s liberating and freeing when I write a song about the past. It’s as if I get a voice ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I wrote this new song about the emotional barriers after experiencing betrayal trauma!

my trust so messed up I feel like I’m always getting played and lied to.

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Feel I’m always negative lately: trying to find anything positive (new song I wrote)

I started rapping again 😝🫶🏻🎶

I’ve been making so much music and I’ve been writing music since I was 9. Taught myself how to play piano at 5. My first song was titled, “Violence” but my dad changed it to, “Far Away Place”. I accepted the change unwillingly at first. ANYWAY, I always wanted to secretly sing but my mom is the dopest singer I know and it’s intimidating 😳😳 I can’t sing as good as her plus won’t ask her to teach me…. THEN I got into rapping by 12. I use to believe I was a rapper for YEARS lol

I had stopped rapping and got more serious about being a better singer becuase I love it. None of it will replace the piano that’s my first love but rapping IS satisfying too. Music is the only way I know how to speak 🥺🎶 I always turn to music for words and feelings. Even when I’m numb, music fills me up and makes me feel everything ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

I started rapping again and it’s very satisfying 🫶🏻 plus this song is super personal!!!

“Shame” I realized over time how deep the emotional scars from my exes are and this healing journey isn’t just healing one big wound but all the countless lies, words of criticism, betrayal and self-doubt projected on me. I was very confused and believed that them hurting me was all my fault 😭❤️‍🩹 I still care about their well-being even if they never care about mine cuz they can’t steal my light 🙏🏻🫶🏻

Lyrics: What do you do with all the shame?

I thought it was one big scar to heal now life seems overwhelming again and I can’t seem to feel

Every little word All the lies and confusion The way my past love life Kept me in delusion

They love me Then they love me not The way they discarded me left me so distraught

After they dropped in on my life Love exploded like a bomb They projected all their trauma Treating me just like their mom

I carried their burdens Now I need a place to lay them down After they sucked all my blood dry They enjoyed watching me drown

I don’t hate them I just hate all this shame I loved them more than myself and they made it a game

What do you do with all the shame, when you think you’re the one to blame?

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Rewrite You 🎶

I originally wrote this song after I broke up with my ex Andrew, not even knowing what emotional abuse was, just knowing that the break up was confusing and there were so many mistakes made!! There were a lot of miscommunications, misunderstandings, but most importantly, a one-sided love that hurt me so deep and when the relationship was all said and done, I wanted to undo it all. 💔

Lyrics:

You’re in my story Everyone read about you And they all say that chapter is over now It’s not over for me I can never forget you And I’d like to change the past somehow

I know you’re not the one But our story can’t be done I think about you way too much

Can I rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Can I rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Erase the pain and wasted days Fighting just to find our place Rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Can I rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Fill in all the missing blanks and change the words we use to say Like, “I love you….” So can I rewrite you?

If I could erase all my feelings And say what’s true Then maybe you wouldn’t be just sad memories If you could, would you rewrite me too?

Can I rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Can I rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Erase the pain and wasted days Fighting just to find our place Rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Can I rewrite you (Can I? Can I?) Fill in all the missing blanks and change the words we use to say Like, “I love you….” So can I rewrite you? 🎶

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Why Does It Still Hurt 🎶 (This one I had fun playing with the harmonies)

Everyone’s life journey is different. The only advice I can give you is, don’t give up, no matter what it looks like!

Lyrics:

Why does it still hurt?

Gave you the keys To drive me insane You called it love There’s no words to explain

How you made me believe It was true love with me

I should be over it by now I’ve gotta stop feeling it all somehow 🎶

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Trauma Release 🎶 (Very personal song)

Lyrics:

Child, you’re not that bright You need too much help I grew up as the outcast and I wasn’t confident enough to prove myself

I always put my own self down There were so many struggles all around

I attracted those who felt the same There was so much to give it was a hard way to live

Rejected and projected on I saw the worst version of me

That person I was I never wanna be again Here I am, releasing the trauma within 🎶

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Wonder 🎶

LYRICS:

Memories are haunting me I tell myself leave you alone Lights out is killing me I tell myself he’s made of stone

And I wonder do you wonder I hear your name, it’s lighting and thunder Thoughts of you always take me under Under your spell

Are you wide awake Thinking of me too Do I ever haunt you 🎶

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the entertainer in me:

I taught myself how to play the piano when I was five years old. I wrote my first piano piece when I was nine years old titled, “far away place”. I got to play that piece in the fifth grade at school. Some teachers were impressed because they had labeled me with a “learning disability”. I guess they didn’t believe I could really do anything smart like that…

in middle school, I performed in both the sixth grade and seventh grade talent shows, but I wasn’t very popular because I played songs that I had written on the piano. They were tunes from my heart . Kids made comments to me like, “what, are you mozarts sister?” 🤨 I mean, Mozart, pretty famous but what are you trying to say?? lol They asked me why I “sway” when I play the piano…. I mean, cuz I got feeling and passion!! What do you all got??

Most of the girls who got attention in the sixth and seventh grade were cheerleaders and that’s who the guys looked at and gawked at. 😝 I didn’t think any guy would ever look at me because I was an “entertainer” aka an artistic weirdo!! I just felt misunderstood. I wrote songs alone in my room almost every day of my life. It’s all I wanted to do. It was the only place I felt comfortable or like I could fit in. I never got along with popular kids in school. I was always on the outside watching guys point at the cheerleaders and say how hot they were. I just shrugged my shoulders cuz I didn’t even like sports 😝 lol I just wanted to make music 🎶

I felt stupid in school but felt intelligent when I’m alone on my piano, pouring my soul out into every song I make. I had no confidence otherwise. I couldn’t even look people in the eyes. I just focused on the piano. I was only happy when I’m playing music in a crowd. That’s the only time I feel “authentically me” is when I’m performing….

I’ve had A LOT of criticism on my music and the piano but I’ve also been noticed by many celebrities. (Not that it changed anything for me, I still was and am now a no name with no confidence) I’ve never gave up on making music!! I’ve been in multiple bands and played many many weddings. Written songs for brides to walk down the aisle. I’ve been a “people person” but ONLY when I’m performing. Otherwise, I’m shy & uncomfortable. I don’t trust people anymore since I’ve been emotionally abused 😭😭😭

I LIVE to be in front of a crowed. That’s when I’m most alive. My husband has “social anxiety” & he’s TERRIFIED of a crowed 🥺😳 He says he’s nervous to watch me get up in front of people…. Ahhhh noooo…. He’s a musician too but he gets stage fright and he’s not good with a bunch of people. He’s so opposite of me. lol it’s frustrating cuz I wanna share the lime light with my man. I just want to celebrate music, my passion, with him!!! 😌

Maybe one day my man will overcome his stage fright & join me. If not, oh well. Guess I’ll have to perform alone. 🥺🙏🏻 I would not travel the world to tour, that’s too exhausting haha I don’t like to leave my couch, much less cross the bridge into the next state LOL but I still write music to this day. I pour my heart & soul into music & no matter if I’m still misunderstood or not, music will ALWAYS be my passion & my world. I don’t idolize celebrities like I did when I was a teenager but I have my favorite bands and Djs 🎶😍

I often add songs when I’m making a post becuase music connects my feelings to my words ❤️🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Here’s one of my favorite songs I recorded:

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I had to fight to create this song ✨

“To Hurt or To Heal” I wanted to create a comforting song about coming out of the numbness and finally feeling the pain of the emotional wounds. Writing songs and journaling has helped ✍🏻

I’ve learned you do need to fully accept your past and current self ❤️‍🩹 Don’t judge yourself but allow yourself to feel the way you do and know over time the pain will lessen. Taking it one day at a time and some days are harder than others. When you have a bad day, forgive yourself and start again!!

This song is not just for me but anyone that’s currently healing. Love and forgive both yourself and the person you’re hurting over! I appreciate everyone who has shown me encouragement on this healing journey! Making music has been empowering. 🎶

Lyrics: Verse 1. To hurt or to heal Either way I hate how I feel Don’t ask me what hurts more all this pain just seems unreal

But there’s growth in the rain and beauty brings you pain how beautiful is it if you can’t feel a thing

Hook. Though it hurts to feel it hurts more when you can heal

Chorus It hurts to heal that’s when you know that you can feel You’re not running from the pain But confronting what is real

You’re facing your fears no longer holding back the tears I know it’s hard to go through But it’s all that you can do To hurt or to heal

Verse 2. Beneath all your scars, a new hope is born And with each tear drop shed, it’s mending what is torn

I know you feel a sadness, that seems to last so long But It won’t always linger, believe that you are strong

Hook 2. I know it hurts to feel But it hurts more to heal

Chorus.

Bridge. It hurts to heal Now that you feel You’re getting through their lies Accepting what is real

You’re not alone But walk on your own The battle is in your mind And you’re not made of stone

You’re not made of stone

Chorus.

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When You’ve been criticized most your life: 10/14/24

I get a couple bad reviews on a new song and suddenly I go into “perfectionism” again, questioning why my song isn’t good enough when legit I’ve had all good reviews prior to the bad ones AND already have a few positive comments 🫶🏻

What matters most is, I LIKE MY SONG 🤝 I’m trying to say “not everyone likes my style” plus not everyone relates to my music… but I often remember my ex cody saying I wasn’t that good of a singer 😝 YET, I never heard him try to sing. I know he also made music and I was impressed with his EP despite him ghosting me but doesn’t mean he knows music better than me just because his song made it onto a couple of albums released . I’m happy for him I would listen to the song now if it didn’t make me cry 😢 ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

anyway, I’ve GOT to love and accept myself even when others do not!! This is not happening over night. It’s been years in the making. Years of criticism and rejection has caused me to push myself and make myself try to be “perfect” and for the FIRST TIME in these past few months I’ve told myself I’m allowed to be imperfect and even trying to embrace it ✨🙏🏻

My new song is VERY personal about how I’ve dealt with loneliness, criticism and overthinking all the time. It’s not for everyone…. Only those who have been in similar circumstances ✨But take a listen anyway and enjoy 🎶

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My Two Latest Songs 🎶✨

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Is this self care???? ❤️‍🩹 Making food and music ✨ (my two fave things)

I made the cottage cheese pizza trend 😳 Uh… was good but I wonder if I add a little bread flower and instead of 35 mins at 350, do 21 mins on 400? Also I did broil mine at the end for 3 mins but prob could’ve done it for 5 mins… some edges were crunchy but the rest of it was mostly egg…. Still had good taste tho. I didn’t have any pepperonis cuz they went bad & I threw them out 😝So only used pizza sauce & mozzarella cheese for toppings. Also, ate the whole pizza LOL

Also made banana nut bread chocolate chip cookies off the krusteez box. Let me say, you have to add some flour to it for it to be a cookie. My first attempt was thin and too doughy but then I added regular flour to the next batch and it turned out 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 yum!

I am also working on new music yay 😀 I’ve been learning so much from watching Logan on the ViB3 MACHiNE 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻 I love how he breaks down songs for you so you can better understand what you’re doing!!

HEREEEEEE is my latest song 🎶 🫶🏻✨

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Stuck in My Head 🎶

I wrote this in GarageBand about having emotional barriers after experiencing betrayal trauma and abuse…… stop thinking about all the hurtful things my exes did and said to me! Trying so hard to get over it all and heal ❤️‍🩹

Lyrics: Verse 1. Here I am You’ve turned up the noise in my head it’s clouding my view I compare everyone else to you

Here I am You’ve turned up the noise in my head it’s clouding my view I compare everyone else to you

Chorus. Stuck in my head these memories I can’t touch But they linger so much stuck in the words that you said How You’ll never be enough you don’t deserve my love Now it’s all stuck in my head

Stuck in my head in all the words that you said it’s all in my head

Verse 2. You broke my trust But can I still believe in love is there anything true why is everything in love so blue

In my head where all the rain falls you built emotional walls with all the words that you said I’m not connected at all with anyone else who calls

Chorus.

Instrumental break.

Chorus.