#Shame

[1000rh]

The antithesis to Systemic Shame is something that I’ve taken to calling expansive recognition, an awareness and acceptance of one’s position in the larger social world. Expansive recognition is the reassuring and grounding sense that you are unbreakably connected to the rest of humanity, and that all sides of you, including your flaws, are part of what keeps you bonded to everybody else. Expansive recognition is also the ability to find common ground within the struggles of another person, even when your outlooks and lived experiences differ significantly. Where Systemic Shame judges, expansive recognition respects. When Systemic Shame doles out obligations and expectations, expansive recognition acknowledges how much difficulty each of us has been facing. And while Systemic Shame attempts to cleave us apart from one another with mistrust and fear, expansive recognition affirms that there are always ties that bind us together, especially in our lowest moments.

– Devon Price, Unlearning Shame (2024)

[grungekitty-77]

Not that anybody asked, but I think it's important to understand how shame and guilt actually work before you try to use it for good.

It's a necessary emotion. There are reasons we have it. It makes everything so. much. worse. when you use it wrong.

Shame and guilt are DE-motivators. They are meant to stop behavior, not promote it. You cannot, ever, in any meaningful way, guilt someone into doing good. You can only shame them into not doing bad.

Let's say you're a parent and your kid is having issues.

Swearing in class? Shame could work. You want them to stop it. Keep it in proportion*, and it might help. *(KEEP IT IN PROPORTION!!!)

Not doing their homework? NO! STOP! NO NOT DO THAT! EVER! EVER! EVER! You want them to start to do their homework. Shaming them will have to opposite effect! You have demotivated them! They will double down on NOT doing it. Not because they are being oppositional, but because that's what shame does!

You can't guilt people into building better habits, being more successful, or getting more involved. That requires encouragement. You need to motivate for that stuff!

If you want it in a simple phrase:

You can shame someone out of being a bad person, but you can't shame them into being a good person.

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

{Words by Anaïs Nin, from The Diary Of Anais Nin, Vol. 4 (1944-1947) / Cynthia Cruz from diagnosis,The glimmering room}

[toomanyrats]

on shame and yearning (pt.2)

[desultory-suggestions]

Stopping yourself mid-conflict to change your perspective is allowed! It’s okay and normal to be mid argument with someone and realize you disagree with your own stance. Often I find myself and others caught up in trying to win the argument (not the point of arguments!) or too embarrassed to back down and be wrong. I promise there is so much more pride in going “Stop! I’m wrong. I hear you and I see how I wasn’t in the right and I want to amend my view” than digging your heels in.

[grickle14]

Feel its power.

[feral-ballad]

Taylor Byas, from I Done Clicked My Heels Three Times: Poems; “The Therapist Asks Me, “What Are You Afraid Of?””

[Text ID: “The remembering hurt / more than the living because shame dials / in. You hearing me? I was naive enough / to think I could control a life. Even mine.”]

[brawcolie]

DIS FIDDAUTHOR STUFF IS SERIOUS!!!

[webweabings]

AND I KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING ALL WRONG ABOUT ME, BELIEVE ME.

“Electra”, by Euripides, tr.Janet Lempke; // @sunsbleeding ; // “War of the Foxes”, by Richard Siken; // unknown; // “Fleabag”, by Phoebe Waller-Bridge; // unknown; // “Monsters”, by Nikita Gill; // unknown; // “Women and other monsters: Building a new mythology”, by Jess Zimmerman; // “Claustrophobia”, by Tracie MacVean; // Buffy The Vampire Slayer. 2.21 “Becoming: Part 1”

[scurviesdisneyblog]

Shame character designs for Inside Out 2 by Deanna Marsigliese.

Initially intended as the 7th new emotion instead of Nostalgia, Shame was ultimately cut for making the movie feel too heavy and difficult to watch. According to director Kelsey Mann, her traits were incorporated into Anxiety for a more relatable character.

"That thought of not being good enough, that's really a lot of what shame deals with. So that's still in the movie, but it's not represented in this character. Because when we tried it, we're like, this is really dark. And this is way too far. Like, yeah, I want this film to be meaningful to people. But I also want, at the end of the day, for people to want to watch it again."

[classycookiexo]

[toothlesssoul]

I've felt constantly ashamed and guilty since I was a child.

[cecenyss]

The fact that Blitz hugged Stolas instead of kissing him means so much to me

[lucidloving]

Janet Fitch, White Oleander // Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye // Gail Carson Levine, "Fairest" // Anne Sexton, A Self-Portrait in Letters // Hieu Minh Nguyen, "Pig" // Valentina-Remenar on DeviantArt // Ashe Vernon, Not A Girl

[desultory-suggestions]

People who love you shouldn't make you feel ashamed of your interests and hobbies. What you enjoy is wonderful, even if it's uncommon, complicated, stereotypical, etc. Please keep sharing your lovely energy with the world.