#SORRY THERE ARE SO MANY LONG TAG RANTS THESE DAYS ABOUT SADNESS there is just a big presence of sad in my head and heart at present

[pilotstreets]

god. not to be sad online. but im sad online

[trans-androgyne]

ty so so much for speaking about transandrophobia as much as you do. i never thought it was this bad. i just saw the poll asking whether it existed or not and other disgusting garbage. spent the day rummaging in the tag to learn and do research. (istg if i see the words "transandrophobia truther" one more time.).

i genuinely do not know how it came to be this bad nor will i never understand fellow trans people, in this case some (please note SOME. not all. i shouldn't have to say this but ik someones going to interpret this as me hating transfems when i do not. nor do i want to paint them in a bad light. all i am is deeply disappointed.) trans fems shitting on their siblings and brothers. hell, even me noticing that i have seen a lot of trans fems taking a part in this makes me feel like i'm transmysoginistic or trying to "divide" the community. so idk anymore.

i just personally think terfs have genuinely poisoned this community and people have been gobbling it up without issue and continue to do so. its sad.

we should be fighting for each other, not against. we shouldn't be divided by braindead terf ideology and values. please? i do not understand this hatred. at all. do you maybe have any idea how this all started or what caused it? because i literally cannot wrap my head around all this. and sorry for the rant.

I’ve been trying to find a tidy way to answer this and there just isn’t one. There are so many factors feeding into it. An extremely big one is the queer community’s fear and suspicion and disgust towards masculinity. Transmasculinity is no exception. Transmascs have always been treated poorly in different ways, but we were quiet about it. We were told we aren’t as oppressed as trans women and we just experience normal plain transphobia, so we shouldn’t feel like an authority on trans experiences. Even our own.

Transmascs have historically felt isolated from one another and the community. Now people have found community amongst themselves, talking about their issues, and finally speaking up. And it’s a threat to the status quo. It challenges deeply held beliefs about gendered oppression and makes feminism more complicated. And honestly, transandrophobic, bigoted people have a very strong motive to not acknowledge bigotry, it would cause great cognitive dissonance.

You’re right that the community and honestly popular feminism as a whole has been tainted by radfem ideas. I remember when I was younger, feminism was for everyone. Men were encouraged to get involved. Now people don’t even recognize that sexism negatively affects men or understand that gender isn’t only an intersection for everyone but men, even trans men. So many people don’t even know how to recognize TERF rhetoric so long as they don’t say they hate trans women. It makes it really difficult to have conversations about the patriarchy, and transmasculine people are suffering from it.

I encourage you to look into the concept of “power-jacketing” to understand how this hatred is maintained and functions. Sorry this got too long, I hope it was able to be helpful.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

hi i just wanted to say, thank you very much for all of your posts and perspectives on the church hurt tags, it's very validating. the religious people around me are always pushing me to physically go to church and I've always been reluctant to despite feeling like im much closer to my faith and God as my best friend lately (all thanks to the numerous queer affirming religious blogs on tumblr btw!) and it's because of all the disagreement i have with the church and what they teach here (i live in a conservatively religious country where even supporting the queer community is frowned upon)

it makes me feel incredibly guilty that i don't feel the desire to go. not to mention, another reason is i work 6 days a week and also an introvert with not that many spoons and so i dont quite have the energy to go because sunday is the only day i get to recharge. but everytime i think about these reasons, i feel guilty as if im making excuses and that im just lazy, I can't never tell which is the truth and that only adds to my guilt.

everytime someone tells me to go to church, i long to find one where i am accepted for who i am, a place where i dont have to be afraid to be myself, a place that doesn't teach outdated beliefs that doesn't resonate with me. i long to feel the desire to go and to sing worship.

and at the same time, for me, worship and my faith lies in the small things that i do everyday, like looking at the sky and admiring the clouds, sending a quick prayer of thanks when the light turns back on after a blackout, enjoying the food that God has given me, listening to music on my way home to work, scrolling through affirming blogs and crying at the amount of compassion shown to me. but it feels like everyone says that's not enough, that we need to diligently attend church to truly be a christian but i just.. cant? which is shameful for me to admit.

im sorry this got long and became a sad rant but just, thank you for having that tag i really appreciate it, I've always been afraid to verbalize all of this thought because im afraid of being judged and being told the opposite but your posts have all been very helpful

Hey anon, I'm sorry the people around you are pressuring you to go to church, rather than doing any work to make the churches around you somewhere you could actually find spiritual flourishing. You deserve spaces where you can worship in community, but when those spaces don't exist, that is never your fault.

We can honor the sabbath in myriad ways: God's instruction to the first of humanity was not "go to church" but simply "rest," one day a week. If church is not a place you can rest in God's love, seek that rest elsewhere.

I pray that guilt will release its hold on you, that you can continue to find God in the small things, and comfort in knowing that the Divine Spirit blows wherever She will — outside church walls as much as inside them.

And I pray that you will find community that supports and celebrates you exactly as you are, whether it's among Christians or elsewhere, in person or online. We are communal creatures, created for relationship. Again, it is not your fault when others fail to extend a fully loving and reciprocal relationship to you; it is just my prayer that God will guide you towards those who can be that for you, and you for them. In the meantime, God Themself is as you say your best friend, holding you close through all things. <3

[julie-schwieters-supremacy]

intro !! (sarah's version)

i changed my url!! prev: -> just-sarah-xx // 14/05/2024

☆ sarah, s, moon ☆ she/they ☆ bi ☆ sun: libra ♎︎ moon: libra ♎︎ rising: pisces ♓︎ ☆ australia !! ☆ infp<3 (pls talk to me im so introverted lmao)

☆ i have a few alt accounts if you'd like to go follow<3 -> @scholarmoons-studyblr :: my studyblr alt !! -> @oxi-moon-xx :: my shifting account for my shifting mooties<3 ☆ taylor swift, conan gray, phoebe bridgers, tv girl, olivia rodrigo, the neighbourhood, steve lacy, dominic fike<3 ☆ i love art, reading, astronomy, taking long walks, playing guitar, making playlists and aesthetics ☆ fav aesthetics: rockstar gf, downtown girl, chaotic academia, y2k grunge, etc.

☆ stuff you'll see me posting about: -> random shitposts -> shifting -> rants about stuff -> drawing -> many different books -> obsessing over someone -> the sturniolo triplets -> etc.

my socials<3 ☆ pinterest: justsarahxx ☆ spotify: https://open.spotify.com/user/31nyeusuv342xa4h4thn3j7ujzoy?si=b8f0fc1b36864e52

this is my fav post that i've made so far: https://www.tumblr.com/julie-schwieters-supremacy/746191574561636352?source=share

my mooties<3: @niallermybabe - bells, probably will tag as bells💛 (im sorry i dont have a better name) @quackethh - tay, will tag as quack quack @antisocialgaycat - lele, will tag as bestieboowifeyforlifey @cc-horan - cc, will tag as cc or 🍍 @strawberry-lia - lia/laura, will tag as 🍓 @localrockstargf - my shifting bestie xe, tagged as 🎸 @sad-trash-pigeon - fernie, tagged as pigeon🌿 @shutup-andletme-go - jack, YOU ARE JACHARY IM SORRY U DONT HAVE A SAY IN THIS @thatsawesomedontyouthink - emma, i also havent given you a tag yet im very sorry @waitingforthesunrise - ari, will probably tag as ari☀️🌿 @5ducksinatrenchcoat - flora, will probably tag as duckies x5 @svnflowermoon - lucy, will probably tag as luc🪩<3 waaaaiiittt wait wait wait @sleepy-vix (im so so so sorry i am so sorry ur so special omg i cant believe i didnt add u) - vix, uhh ill tag u as vix (mitski's version) @elemelom OMG my irl, imma tag you as em :D melon (im sorry thats just what i associate your name with) @demigoddess-of-ghosts - tess, ill tag u as tessy :3 julie schwieters is my bae (she doesnt know i exist) so she deserves a tag too, which is #julie schwieters supremacy my asks tag is #i'm not introverted !! (my asks) my posts and random rants will be #sazzy yaps i will do more im sorry if i missed u (i haven't fully added the moot tags so some might not show up)

so yeah thats my intro imma prolly edit it later have an amazing day<333

[panelshowsource]

yes on the 28th!! i'm excited because ALISON HAMMOND!!! every day i'm like whyyy do we not have her on more panel shows she is everything!

victoria spoke about it on her episode of taskmaster the podcast :)

all i know is she's been looking fly as ever — like always! but if she's changing things up a lil then good for her 😌

i would like to anon but they didn't rly have that many moments together on the show, like of substance that make a good gifset 😩 i did do these two! do you have another moment in mind?

omg YES LMAO

richard is so hilariously subtly shady, i love when someone makes the most wrong guess ever (usually during tablet games like the rich list and i'm terrible at dating) and richard does a very obvious scoff-chuckle and goes "yeah? [raises eyebrows knowingly] well [stifled laughter] you never know! let's see if that's right [stifled laughter]" like it just cracks me up — because somehow he's not smug at all despite being mr big brains and someone who teases others a lot

one thing i love about hog is how much richard loves hog — like, that's his baby, he loves doing that show, and he is so obviously having the most fun every single week, which makes it even more fun for us imo!

wow great question!

i have a lot of nostalgic love for comedy world cup — i love david tennant, he's so affable and very funny and a lovely host, and i think that format had legs even if it didn't make it in the end. also from around that time i remember liking mad mad world on itv, which was suddenly cancelled mid run? with paddy mcguinness, rhys darby, rufus hound... —

sorry to digress for a second but remember on some recent podcast ep when sam campbell was like "what's rufus hound up to" and i think it was ed gamble who laughed his ass off lmaooo i feel like there's rufus hound tea out there but idk what it is. anyways

— ...i would love to check it out again but i can't find it! i'll work on that 🤔 then, of course, you have been watching hosted by charlie brooker. it would not have been as strong a format if it wasn't for charlie writing the show and clearly having many topics & rants he wanted to go in for, but i loved that series and saw quite a few comedians/personalities, including vcm, josie long, holly walsh, and peter serafinowicz, there for the first time :')

looks like i had a lil trip down memory lane!

i think it's great! i'm not crazy about dylan llewellyn — i am not super into derry girls, and i felt, at times, his acting was lesser than the others' in a distracting way? is that just me? — but it hardly ruined the show or anything. the cast has GREAT chemistry and jon pointing is a standout (though he doesn't pass for his 20s at all lmao), and i love seeing izuka hoyle who i loved in boiling point and is so(!) gorgeous. tv comedy lives and dies on its editing, and big boys really understands its structure and its beats. i'd also say it strikes a rare balance in its absurdity and its sincerity, which is some of my favourite ever kind of film & tv. god, i just love sad boi comedy. or sad anything. i'm a "let's watch this and cry🤩" kind of person no matter my mood LOL

btw did you see victoria coren mitchell also loved big boys?

sure anon i put it on google drive here :)

i'm not going to host this one but you can request it here and someone will definitely have it to share with you asap! sorry for the inconvenience but lmk if you have any questions :)

—————

PANEL SHOW WATCH LINKS / NON-PANEL SHOW WATCH LINKS FAQ / TAGS / ASK

[miss-dollette]

Your fandom rants and icks... finally someone said it. I've been thinking about this lately and couldn't put it into words but you hit the nail on the head. There have been so many things that have recently been in the fandom and/or fanfics that have driven me absolutely insane. I'm never one to be a debbie downer or shit on anyones fun but some things have just made me incredibly uncomfortable recently that I've actively had to go through and block/mute tags or blogs because it's overwhelmed the COD tag. It makes me so sad because it's basically stopped me from engaging in anything at all in relation to COD because I feel bombarded and it's not enjoyable. The biggest thing recently that's bothered me is stories being written that are completely out of character for the COD guys. Like I get that it's fanfiction but seeing stuff written that clearly doesn't match the individual(s) written about feels weird and at that point it's not even the original character anymore so whats the point?? I know some people probably strongly disagree but at a certain point it almost feels disrespectful to the original characters and their stories. It also feels like a way for some weird shit to be fleshed out and, again, to each their own and it's fiction blah blah blah, but for fucks sake. Like literally for. fucks. sake. Like you said, It's like people writing stuff about Ghost that would be completely out of character for someone like him, with all of the trauma and experience that is literally canon to him as a character. Maybe it's because I have a degree in psychology and know people who have been through things that are written/portrayed in COD that it all just doesn't sit right with me... Let's not even get started on having a degree in psychology and seeing things like pedo shit practically glorified, let alone being written about. Holy. Fucking. Shit. There are a few writers that I think truly understand certain characters and write about them in such a beautiful way that it makes me so upset that it gets overshadowed and bogged down by absolutely horrendous things in the tags. I'm so sorry this is so long. I didn't intended to write a whole ass dissertation on this but I'm so happy to see someone else is feeling this way.

Everyone is on my ass for what I said. But to be honest, I don't careeeee. I don't. I really don't. They're real mad but I'm just laughing. I'm just expressing my feelings and having fun doing it. It's funny, cause my post got 100 likes in a day. That's telling something.

You should see the messages im receiving. I don't mind, I love trolling a little.

I said the hard truth, and they can't handle it.

'Preciate your message. Great minds think alike.

If you wanna laugh, check out my responses to these messages. I had fun.

[elfdragon12]

starscream fans will not like what i say, but someone needs to say this: out of all transformers characters, starscream is generally one of the best included, not only basically every tf media have him, but he gets de facto reinterpretations of his character and not just picking the personality of some other tf and calling it ''reinterpretation''. so for me who is fan of tfs who didnt get anything new for most a decade and when they get they are basically TF X with the name of TF Y, stars fan and their whining is so annoying, specially bcs most of time it's not even based on stars real character they are complaining and instead is why he isn't like the OOC Ao3 fanfictions they read. sorry for the rant and i love your blog and your opinions, have a good day

Everyone has their favorite and they like to see their favorite... But I don't quite get Starscream fans being... Surprised or shocked whenever it's revealed he's in a new story. He's in almost everything. Of course he's in the new thing, he is in the top 5 most marketable characters in the franchise out of over 1000. Soundwave doesn't even show up as frequently.

And yes, he is a character who's pretty much the same every time. Sure, I get wanting to see perhaps more lateral interpretations or writers allowing him to make decisions that don't revolve around absolving Megatron by making Starscream the big meanie (that's more a character development point). However! Consistency is also nice. Best of luck if you're a fan of someone like Prowl. Are you getting the original Budiansky bio or Sunbow Prowl? The ninja Beachcomber TFA version? The IDW1 version that's just Stakeout but without realizing he doesn't make a good leader of the team and passing it to someone else? (When I say most character reinterpretions are just a pre-existing character with a different name, I'm not kidding.) Maybe you're a Tracks fan like I am and get sad when writers only remember the vain part and not the "huge Earth lover" part. I feel bad for anyone who liked Getaway before James Roberts wrote More Than Meets the Eye.

Fanfiction can sometimes have amazing characterizations that change how you think about a character. Some fanfiction is so disconnected that you're not sure why it's tagged with a character they didn't seem to actually be interested in writing them.

I get liking a character, wanting to see them, and being put out when they're not written like you think they should be... But there does need to be some perspective. Starscream is in over 200 pieces of Transformers media and gets to keep his same basic personality traits throughout. That's worlds better than what many other fans get. Blaster hasn't been in a Transformers show or movie since the 80s and hasn't gotten much material in the comics for a long time. He's gotten a lot of toys in the past few years, but that's it.

I'm glad you like my blog and opinions! Thank you!

[fandomfluffandfuck]

i hope this isn’t a bother, i’m not sure if it’s worth knowing at all. but i was disheartened earlier when i was on x/twt and saw a seb fan hating on the idea of sebchris, and realized the specific speculative shippy post they were being vague about was recent from your blog.

ik everyone is entitled to their own opinion and it’s understandable to find rps unsavory, but it seemed very much like rage-bait for attention: acting like they’d never heard of it before and taking time out of their day to comment. i think you even mentioned you’d never want CE or SS to know about it and would never be disrespectful, it’s all in fun to be teasing. same for me. i swear so many mcufans live in a bubble, rps has been around since forever, lotr anyone? and speculation is kinda what hollywood already does. every celeb magazine cover you see is like: “are they DATING?” as long as no one is bothered, it’s really not that serious. there’s occasionally a double standard with non same sex co-stars too. these fans even ship themselves with the same actors and that’s not “creepy” either.

the reason we like the two of them as friends (or potentially more) isn’t bc we project steve/buck onto them, it’s how well they get along and how rare their irl connection is. without their chemistry SB wouldn’t even be what it is. and it’s sad that due to fandom, ppl feel the need to assert that CE and SS are straight or would never like each other, when that’s really their personal business and not ours. we just enjoy moments what they’ve already shown us, being invasive isn’t on the table.

but yeah, tumblr is a separated fandom space and i wish other fans would just ignore what they don’t like. you and all of us don’t deserve that. i guess we should be careful what’s posted in the SS or CE tag. sorry again about this.

Nah, that's fine, I get that. You need a place to express those frustrations and, also, yeah. Just. Yup. It's definitely rage bait because if you've been in fandom for longer than a minute than you've come across RPF. It's been around forever with fandom. It's fine. Besides, it's not like you can stop it by now, it's for fun and there's so many people that indulge. I do wish that more people, generally, including on Tumblr, but mostly off Tumblr would learn that if it's not for you... then navigate away from it. I think more people would be happier if they learned that lesson, lol. But, yeah, Tumblr is certainly a very unique internet place.

No need to be sorry, I'm totally chill to read your rants, haha.

[coastxlwaters]

*cough* hullo i hope this isnt a strange or rude thing to say- but as like. a person from the side of sams who likes to ship things, i very much love and appreciate how kind you are!!! some people who dont like to ship things (which is 1000% okay btw, we all have our preferences) are. very big on harassment (and so are some people who *do* ship things, to be fair), but you are just. a nice person!!! ive seen you advocate to leave shippers alone and to not harass them, and that you should just block people you dont agree w instead of pestering them. and i thank you for that a whole lot, sincerely!!!

okay thats it buh bye

-bird

You just made my day, its not weird! I love to get these kinds of things, and yes im against harassing others for their own preferences. I do not like to make my blog about this stuff, and i do follow many shippers! Their art is super cool, and i just avoid the shipping parts they make. I mean, im not a romantic shipper (other than solruin) but i do have a QPR ship of dark sun/solstice x eclipse. I have lost many, many followers and mutuals from that and i dont want other people to have that feeling of dread or sadness when they watch their follower count go down or be blocked by sm they would once call their friend. It really does hurt even if you understand the reason why.

I do draw the line of shipping when it comes to minor x adult though, so i am not some amazing person who has the ability to forgive everything. I appreciate that i have had several asks like this that have made it seem like that, but i am not that great of a person.

I also think there are some that do not ship that go and harass others that dont ship under the disguise of being sm who does ship so it throws more hatred to the ones who do ship and enjoy that. I think that as i have seen it happen many times IRL and in other fandoms. Its a way to make the other side look bad, it usually works.

Im not saying that shippers do not harass, as i have seen some that do, but i am saying both sides are in the fault here.

Im adding this here:

Do. Not. Hate. The. Show. For. Disliking. Some. Ships.

They are real people who also have boundaries and preferences, we understand that yall ship the characters and not the VAs (i mean, some have done that and you really shouldnt do that) but think of it like this.

You and your sibling/close friend (just sm who you dont feel romantic attraction to) make ocs, you post them online. Then people start shipping them. You would get uncomfortable, right? Since a part of your brain is thinking: “but me and my (non romantic partner) dont like eachother like that, but now yall are making this stuff and making us uncomfortable.“

Ofc i feel as if the VA’s could have handled some things better, but we are all human and make mistakes. Just dont bring them into this. So tag your stuff correctly, do not harass, and enjoy the stuff that you enjoy and ignore the stuff you dont. Thats what you call basic human decency, you can be mad at them all you want in your head as long as you dont say it.

Sorry for the long rant, but i cant reblog stuff like this due to being blocked by people who do say stuff like this so i wanted to get this out and on my blog. And i swear to god do not go annoy or harass the people who do say this stuff and saying “why did u block this person!“ they have their reasons for blocking me and others and we should respect them. I have seen people who do this and i dont like it. So dont go harass another person for blocking sm you may think is nice. For all you know i could be a bitch and asshole irl and they know me irl and thats why they blocked me.

Dont harass or get angry at sm until you can see it from their point of view. Since you dont know what they are seeing that you are not.

(but this ask did make my day! Im literally so happy rn cause i try to practice what i preach but smt i feel like i fail or do the wrong thing that makes me look like a hypocrite!!)

[smoll-stace]

I might have missed it but do you have a backstory for Ciel and Donovan

i got so excited at this ask ngl xD so I started ranting about my beans lol so i hope this answers your question even if it might be in a roundabout way. yes, indeed I do! (i have 700 posts so i can see why they are hard to find especially cause i can't tag xD) i have a few animations for Donovan that I have posted on here. and I'm working on either making a more explained version of the animations that isn't a music video but more of story format animation or a written story, depending on what i have time for in my current situation, thought that might be a long time coming since I have a very packed schedule. ToT Though I do have au animation and a few small writings that should be coming soon!

Ciel's backstory is still in wip stages, working out his emotions with his family interactions, and how i want his social life to be portrayed. But I should be having clips of his story out in the next month or so so keep an eye out if you are interested. As of yet though no gt interactions for his story. Just a lot of angst and sadge.

if you were interested in their first meeting here on earth, that story is on a back burner, but imagen quiet kid and sunshine child becoming friends, then high school sweethearts, this one I'm probably going to be writing, maybe later animating if I do want to subject my darlings to more animation xD maybe I'll add that to my new years resolutions! who knows?

here's some links to current works i have for Donovan and Ciel's backstory. :)

im now realizing how much art and writing i forget to post lol oh well

thank you for the ask! hopefully i'll be posting more of them soon xD

[little-pissbaby]

this is gonna get TMI and it will get sad and whiny so please don't feel obligated to keep reading.

it takes so many steps to be alive. all of the things you do subconsciously suddenly become arduous tasks when you have to do them manually. things like eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing, using the bathroom, it's exhausting having to think about and consciously or manually do even just one of those things.

I was officially diagnosed with dysautonomia a few months ago, although I have been struggling with my symptoms for over a decade and I've been in treatment for several years. I was also diagnosed with a neurogenic bladder that same month. this means I have to catheterize myself 3-4 times a day every day for the rest of my life, or until I can get a suprapubic catheter placed.

Y'ALL. self-cathing is beyond exhausting. it's a little bit of a genuine workout, especially when you're morbidly obese like me. I hate that I've gotten really good at it and that it doesn't take me long at all now. I didn't want to get good at it, I didn't want to have to have this skillset. I already have to know how to draw up and give an IM injection, how to flush an IV, how to reduce dislocated joints in myself and others... I am TIRED.

I'm sure a colostomy is also in my near future. I have the same problems in my colon that I have in my bladder, only it's also complicated by endometriosis in the walls of my colon and rectum. they haven't been completely infiltrated yet, but if this IUD doesn't do its job, then I'm definitely gonna start losing organs and my mind.

at this point I'm out of words to explain why I'm so cosmically fatigued but if I tag every diagnosis/condition I have maybe y'all can sorta get an idea.

sorry for ranting. I have to go cath myself now.

at least I do it under the supervision of the best medical advisor ever <3 all she asks for in return are kisses, cuddles, and crunchies <3<3

[akookminsupporter]

Hi Rosie, how are you doing these days? I see you less on my timeline so I hope you’re doing okay and being busy with life! I have a sudden moment of nostalgia tbh because I miss the fun days in the Jikook tag rn 😥 I’ve been following your blog since the beginning, along with @kanmom51 and a few others and it feels like nowadays it’s again discussions about Jikook supposedly being distant and how their relationship has changed, you know, the same circle all over again.. and of course i’m no psychic and we never know but I feel like we always end up in the same spot it’s a bit boring 😩Are there still some chill Jikookers out there? Guys tell me I’m not the only one who don’t get what the fuss is all about 😰 I don’t even care if they’re a couple or not, i just believe their friendship is super strong and don’t see any changes apart from them not sharing much with us anymore. Sometimes it feels like even among Jikook-lovers ppl are waiting for some sort of 'aha I knew it wouldn’t last!' kinda moment.. idk, i find it sad. It’s okay to share thoughts and all about all that but it’s always the same and since the break it’s getting worse. I wonder if i’m the naive and overly positive one sometimes. I’m someone who’s in a long term relationship, with a close circle of friends that I’ve grown up with, i guess I’m blessed in life which explain why I tend to see things positively. Sorry I’m ranting. Maybe it’s a sign for me to take my distance and just enjoy Jikook on my own but it used to be so fun coming here i’m nostalgic. Huh sorry this is a ridiculous rant, i just hope they’re still some people like myself among this chaos kkk I wish you the best Rosie, it’s a bit early but have a nice Christmas if you’re celebrating it 🙂

Hi, anon! I'm still around haha the truth is I'm not getting many asks that are worth posting, I spend more time deleting asks and blocking them than I do posting, it's sad but I'm not entirely surprised. The lack of content has caused many to spend a lot of time thinking stupid things ahahahaah and what's worse, they think it's a good idea to share them. I imagine things will get worse next year after all the scheduled content is released and the other guys leave too. This fandom in general knows how to enjoy absolutely nothing and it's sad.

But I'm still here, I promise!

[cursedvibes]

Sorry I have to rant, I just saw post on reddit about how Gege hates his main trio and has completely destroyed them(I'm paraphrasing) and I get it everyone has their own opinions and they can complain etc etc but the whole thing was so dumb!😭 Literally stupid reasons only because they have made so many assumptions about how the story would/should go. These last two chapters have caused such a mayhem in the fandom. People are impatient, quick to make predictions, and get upset when they things don't happen their way. And that's one thing I really don't understand and absolutely hate, how fans of a media think that they know how the story should go better than the creator itself, especially if it's something like a manga which is released on a chapter by chapter basis. Only two chapters have been out! There is more to come! Don't be hasty to judge and please have some patience! Hell! even the shippers are mad I don't know if you ship fushiita, sukuita or sukufushi but it's really chaotic right now. Fans seem to think Yuuji's only purpose was being a vessel(which is a pretty gross way to think about him in my opinion) and now he's useless. Btw thanks for the earlier ask you answered about this because I was also upset about it but that had more to do with 'megumi is the perfect vessel actually' and not Sukuna being separated from Yuuji, anyway you really helped me deal and understand it. Thank you for that! Your blog feels like a safe haven for Yuuji and Kenjaku fans. They're both so underrated and completely overshadowed by other flashier characters (megumi, Yuuta and getou respectively) I cannot tell you how happy I was that I've found like-minded people like you. They're both my faves and I feel so sad that they're ignored by most of the fandom especially Kenny who's only misfortune is being in gojou's ex's ex body.

Well, I got completely derailed and this is more of a rambling than a vent. Sorry for sending such a long ask😅. Thank you for being a part of this fandom. Also, you are very funny even your tags are so hilarious, they make my day. Keep up the good work! And have a good morning/night!

Thank you for the nice words! Funny on the internet and having correct takes on fictional characters, such high praise 😌 I'm gonna add it to my CV

It is quite a shame that Kenjaku is so unpopular. Honestly don't know why? They have the looks, the smarts, the connection to the main character (although somehow that often gets overlooked beyond the milf jokes), they drive the entire plot and have an entertaining personality. But most of the time people don't even notice that. They're just Geto 2.0.... Or a grumpy conservative old man. No idea where that characterization came from or why it's so prevalent, but especially in fanfics I see it a lot.

Yuuji is very popular, but he's often turned into Pink Naruto, despite them being very different besides some standard shonen tropes. Naruto without Kurama is unthinkable (well until Boruto happened, but that was after Naruto's main development was already over), so the same must apply to Yuuji, right? If Yuuji doesn't have Sukuna, what's the point?

Also, I don't know what it is with this fandom and going off the rails every break week. Like clockwork the "Yuuta is the real mc because he stronk and his laser beam go pew" take comes back every time and people make up the wildest stuff. I'm surprised by how many genuinely think Yuuji is dead dead. Done. Story over I guess. Megumi hasn't gotten any points, so that's clearly not the case yet. If not, he obviously has to throw around some Infinity-level technique to "prove" he's the mc. They also already see Hana at the bottom of Megumi-Sukuna's stomach I guess and/or Yuuji as Angel's new host. Somehow...how would she even get to him so fast? And sure, switch one manipulative 1000 yo sorcerer for another...what a fun and unique concept. At this point I'm more looking forward to the next leaks because it will give people something meaningful to talk about than the story (not true, I really want to know what happens next, but these takes are very annoying).

I haven't heard that Gege hates the main trio before, but I certainly see it paraded around a lot in regards to Yuuji, even though Gege clearly says in the fanbook that that comment was simply about how he is hard to write and they want to make sure to do him justice. Of course an author can get a bit exasperated, but that doesn't mean they hate the character. If that was the case, Gege wouldn't put this much thought into Yuuji.

In regards to the trio, with how jjk works and everything that's been happening, there was no way they would stay together (assuming that's what people take issue with). It's basically a tradition. Sashisu, Nanami & Haibara, Maki's group, the Kyoto gang, they all got separated, some even died. Honestly, it would be pretty unrealistic for the Tokyo trio to stay together. And as you said, things just started to pick up, much can happen. Megumi is probably gonna resurface for at least a little bit before he dies - or not who knows. Nobara's situation is a bit iffy, but she was never as important as Megumi or Maki so eh. If she comes back, I need her to be properly integrated into the story. She has no connection to the current plot, any of the main villains or adds to the lore. Her coming back with some new strong technique would be nice, but what's her function gonna be besides moral support for Yuuji and killing some less important enemies? So far I don't feel like she needs to come back for parts of the plot to progress. If she doesn't, it wouldn't be a huge loss. Therefore, if it happens, I need some character exploration for her. I still think it would be neat if her grandma somehow shows up and does...idk something, but she sounds awesome (knew from the start not to trust Jujutsu Tech, best woman) I want to know more about her.

I don't really ship any combination of Yuuji-Sukuna-Megumi, so I don't know what happened on their side. Fanartists have put out some very dramatic, traumatic and bloody ItaFushi art recently, which I appreciate, but that's all I know. After ch 212 I got the impression shippers liked the new development for the angst. Didn't know that changed, but I'm really not that in touch with that side of the fandom. Either way, Yuuji not being a vessel anymore sounds more like it would be beneficial for them (separate bodies and all) unless you're really into the possession trope.

[2af-afterdark]

Oof, it's been a hot minute since I've sent you an ask... Sorry 'bout that and also for not sending you any New Year's wishes, irl stuff kept me pretty busy lately. I hope you had fun celebrating! <3

...Admittedly, part of the reason for my absence was that I've also been feeling unpleasantly drained by the Nightmare Pass missions, on top of everything else. I feel a little bad about pretty much coming here and complaining, but I'd like to hear your opinion since you have the Pass activated and I'm f2p, so I wonder how our experiences differ.

I feel like the rewards are.. lackluster, in all honesty. The yellow keys are nice, the frame is pretty... And that's about it. Aside from a small bonus of getting some gems after completing the daily missions, there's really not much to look forward to. It feels like there's far too much effort required and not enough rewards.

Not to mention the missions themselves. God, the missions. I hate the way they work with a passion. The fact that you need to log in daily is fine, the fact that you need to grind a bit is also fine... But then there's shit like "claim a likeability reward" which I'd love to do, except I only have one left over from Andrealphus and still half a Pass to get through. I remember you writing that it feels like being punished for unlocking content, and I completely agree. That's exactly how it feels. I am not going to waste all of my red keys in an attempt to get a new L-grade card since I have all S-grade devils maxed out already.

And speaking of wasting red keys! The "special draw" missions also leave a bit of a sour taste in my mouth. I remember making those single-pulls while sighing deeply because, well, it just doesn't feel like all of the resources I'm consuming are going to be compensated. I spend Solomon's tears, both types of keys, a lot of energy (in-game and irl) and most of the time I get... A few boxes of randomised jellies? That I can get extremely easily through other means? At least make them select-type like the ones in event shops, damn it!

Basically, I'm salty and kind of sad. I love the game dearly, but I think I'm going to give up on the Nightmare Pass. Once I hit a likeability reward mission that I cannot complete, I'm out. The frame is pretty, but getting one from an event shop is going to be way easier and less stress-inducing. I don't want to burn myself out (any more than I already did) by trying to complete it.

So sorry for such a long rant, I ended up getting a bit carried away... I'm really interested in how the effort/reward ratio feels like with a purchased Pass. I'm not really active in the fandom (I pretty much only follow you and the official acc, lol) so I haven't seen people speak about it yet. Hopefully, at least some people have a better time with that hell of an event.

— 💛

So, I used my premium pass from the pre-order rewards on the Nightmare Pass so I could study the way it works from a p2p perspective. I must say, the reward you get in p2p are much better. I received many yellow and red keys, Solomon's Tears, Puddings, Books, Coins, etc. I had unlimited auto-fights in the nightmare dungeon so I can grind coins for the shop easily. Over all, the amount of rewards you get may justify the $60 price tag IF you can afford it and you want the card at the end. Also, this assumes they do this within limited quantities. Like, I would say once every few months at most. Maybe very 2-3 months at most. Still sucks you can only get the card if you're willing to pay out the nose for the rewards. I did look at the f2p rewards and... yeah, not worth it. That is a lot of grinding for very little payoff. I was getting 2-4 reward every day because I was getting the rewards for every tier so it felt more worthwhile.

Also, yeah. I have been playing the game less since the Nightmare Pass started because I was afraid of locking myself out of future requirements for the missions. I had trouble with likability (something I usually max out within 2-3 days of getting a new unit), I was afraid to level up characters and their skills, I wasn't promoting anyone, I wasn't doing anything because I was so afraid I would screw myself by playing the game.

That's why I think Nightmare Pass kind of sucks the most. I felt like I was being punished for having played the game up until this point. Some missions were, as you said, fine. Any missions involving pleasing someone in the Secret Club were fine (not the unholy board because some of those I had maxed out already and it was pain to advance them more). Any missions where I had to fight were good. That I can always do. But missions that have finite end points are terrible (there is a max number of levels characters can have, a max amount of promotions I can do, only so far I can go on an unholy board, likability stops at 100%, characters can only evolve 5 times before they are maxed). Those missions suck because I can screw myself by actually having invested the time into the game before the Nightmare Pass is even out. It actually sucked to basically stop playing this game because I was afraid to play and screw myself out of getting Gabriel.

And the missions are kind of sucky too. Because each stage only unlocks after the previous one is completed, it's hard to know what is coming up and easy to screw yourself. Not everyone has 20ST available multiple times. Not everyone hoards their keys to do the multiple draws over and over again. And having 25 stages that can only be unlocked once daily rather than continuously (since the one mission on each day is to login) it means that if you miss a few days, you are screwed. You can pay to unlock the path with Nightmare Coins, but that assumes you have enough (and each reward gets more expensive as you go).

Overall, Nightmare Pass feels like the kind of event that is aimed toward people who dedicate time to the game to complete the rewards, but those same people can easily get screwed if they put in all that effort too early. The nightmare Pass isn't terrible, but it definitely needs some tweaking. It's the kind of event I would only continue in the future if I really want the card/haven't invested so much I screw myself. Honestly, it feels like the kind of event you finish and only debate purchasing the other rewards after you see how far you've managed to get to see if you can justify the expense.

Also, never feel like you can't rant to me. I rant all the time. Goodness knows I rant all the time... I don't do it because I hate the game. It's me trying to point out issues for others and because I want to see things changed for the better.

[baladric]

i was just randomly scrolling through the tdt tag and i saw your post about the horrible treatment by supposed fans towards stiefvater and trc/tdt and i couldn’t agree more. things were always tricky and it was a sad sad day when she closed her tumblr and i remember a lot of it had to do with the treatment of kavinsky’s character. i’m not saying there weren’t problematic elements to her writing but she more often than not got criticised for all sorts of dumb shit but i truly hoped that the fandom had matured in the years following the release of the raven king but i suppose it was not to be. i remember when she did a reddit ama and got accused of being homophobic because declan and jordan got engaged but not ronan and adam. like ?!?!? did this person even pay attention to the story and their character arcs?? it would make very little sense for pynch to get engaged, not least because they are barely in the same place for most of tdt. anyway sorry for the rant but i just truly feel bad for maggie, for all the work and love she put into these characters and doing it all through a scary illness that nearly stopped her from writing and by all accounts would have killed her. i definitely think she wasn’t prepared for the level of fandom and attention she was going to receive for trc and it sucks that she’s had to reduce her presence from social media since. i can’t wait for her next books though especially because they seem to be more for adults. i think she has truly mastered young adult fiction so i’m curious to see what she does next, and it’s bound to be good if tdt is any indication

oh word, friend! honestly the vitriolic outlash re: kavinsky was sort of my personal first red flag about the rising of purity culture in fandom spaces (though there were, and are, valid criticisms of k obviously, like yikes re: the "face of a refugee" shit)—and now all this stuff about pynch in tdt is like... idk, people have lost touch with the concepts of nuance and also unhomogenized relationship arcs.

(THIS GOT SO LONG SORRY, I HAVE TOO MANY THOUGHTS)

idk how understood this is, but as a chronically ill person, i think about it a lot—ronan's entire arc in tdt, especially in cdth, is about chronic illness and the arduous, painful process of acceptance of one's disability and consequent limitations. like you said, stiefvater came into tdt after a terrifying illness during which she literally lost the ability to string sentences together, and very much had no idea if it was a skill she would ever regain. and she's still dealing with issues, i'm sure, because any serious illness leaves its marks.

being a dreamer has always had aspects of chronic illness, though one could argue that its original plot inclusions in trc aligned more with experiences of addiction and mental illness (with a soupçon of internalized homophobia, for Flavor™). but the way tdt starts off with ronan being very directly forced into conflict with his physical capabilities in regards to doing the things he needs to do for his own essential happiness (read: moving to be closer to adam, and his following inability to actually do that, as it took him too far off the ley line to be safe for him,or anyone around him) is a classic chronic illness narrative. and considering what stiefvater was coming out of, experientially, it's very clear that this is deliberate.

(i think she's actually talked about this somewhere, maybe in that reddit ama, but idr where! if anyone wants to follow-up with that, it would be lovely)

the thing is!!! navigating one's own disability is a grieving process—and grief is multifaceted, and comes paired with a lot of anger and railing at god/nature/reality/whatever. which, of course, can absolutely ruin relationships and push loved ones away. and even if it doesn't firebomb those relationships, it still complicates them intrinsically. a person can't help someone that's not helping themself, and it's hard to have space for helping yourself when all of your resources are going towards survival. and ronan is very much surviving. he is not helping himself—and he hasn't been for a long time at the start of tdt. we see that in the daily/weekly schedule declan had to force him to write so he wouldn't just waste away, and it continues apace into, you know. violent ecofascism. (which is a lot more destructive than your average joe can manage with their disability crisis, but you know, each to their own!)

meanwhile, adam's on his own self-worth/self-concept journey, spreading his wings at college and doing the very classic job of swinging oneself so far in the opposite direction of their old behaviors or the person they used to be, that it ends up being its own brand of personal disservice. he has put the adam parrish of henrietta in a box and shoved it to the back of his mind, and donned this very literal disguise (my boy! in a tweed fuckin vest and slacks! love that for him) of ivy league therapist friend!adam, and though we obvs lack adam pov to take the actual temperature of this, it's really clear that this shift isn't sustainable. you can't run from trauma, and you can't run from your past self, and he's making a valiant effort at doing both. it's gonna back up on him, if it's not already.

so ronan going off the rails? not something adam has the capacity to manage gracefully, even if ronan was letting him in—which he isn't, because he's grieving the simple fact of an inherent freedom he'll never be allowed. all of his friends have scattered on the wind like so many traumatized dandelion seeds, and he's stuck in the same place, unable to put the ghosts of their collective past behind him, because they live in his house. this is the driveway where he found his father, dead; this is the barn where he spent countless fruitless hours trying to dream a sweetmetal for his mother, only to have her die horribly before he could; this is the car in which he raced a dead boy, and these are the streets he drove with his best friend on long, sleepless nights when all they could do was try to keep each other from falling through the holes in their heads. the school he failed, the church in which he dreamed a crime worse than anything he'd dreamed before or since, the hummocks of disturbed earth, grown over with tall grass, in which he buried the things that wanted to kill him and who knows how many other corpses of his own physical self.

and he can't leave. he can never leave, so he's clutching at straws and alienating everyone who loves him and just McFreakin Losing It! which is fine, because he's nineteen and stranded and feels more alone than he ever has, in this void of anything like guidance, in the void of parental figures, in the void of any kind of traditional life path, and he has to work all of that out for himself.

so of course he and adam aren't getting fucking engaged. of course it's not a happily ever after—and it would be disinenguous for maggie goddamn stiefvater to give us that! because when has she ever been anything but a writer of complex, messy and wretchedly gorgeous characters? isn't that what drew us all to her in the first place? because fuck, y'all, the draw sure isn't her plots or her worldbuilding! (i love her worldbuilding, to be clear, it's just... aside from the dreaming, it's not super consistent)

stiefvater's appeal as an author is the very unique and complex way she understands her characters' minds, and refuses to ever play them as archetypes. gansey isn't just a nerd, or just a rich boy, or just a lonely person—he is all of them at once. he's a king of men, he's miserable, he's giddy with the thrill of being alive, he wants to get pizza with his friends and drive too fast and be allowed to go fuckin bonkers now and again and kiss the girl he loves.

gansey is a fucking problem. blue is a problem, henry is a problem—adam parrish and ronan lynch are PROBLEMS, and god fuckin bless stiefvater for not only allowing this in her characters, but for leaning into it. she lets them be messy, lets them be awful and fight and do the wrong thing, and—most importantly—she lets them find ways to come back together afterwards!

all this to say, it blows my fucking mind that people are surprised that this trilogy is doing anything other than absolutely wrecking shop. stiefvater wouldn't have written these books if there weren't things in her characters that needed to break in order to be patched back up, stronger than before. the entire raven cycle universe is built on the shifting nature of individual identity, and the ways we all have to create our own fulfillment, because the goals we set for ourselves are very rarely the point of existence that we want them to be. and if the first quartet was about gansey and adam, at their core, then this trilogy is about ronan and declan, building their fulfillment. finding their footing in the world as adults (which, you know, quick point, tdt is not young adult fiction, it's regular old speculative fiction, so uhhh yeah of course the material is gonna be even less fluffy homogenized shit than the first series) and that's fucking HARD and MESSY and just. jeez, y'all, have faith in stiefvater that it'll all come out the better, and find some peace that things are messy right now. (it's not HOMOPHOBIC for a queer person to struggle in fiction, and if you're thinking that, you need to sit down and examine that thought very deeply. i could say a lot about how declan falling in love and getting engaged is extremely meaningful for his personal development, where the same thing wouldn't be for adam and ronan, but uhhh idk)

we make a lot of jokes that stiefvater likes to hurt us, but does she? really? like, yes, her writing hurts, but as a person who was dragged kicking and screaming through his mid-20s by the nape of his neck and the slim hope of the brighter future shown in the raven cycle, i can say that her stories are actually, at their core, about healing and the awful paths we have to walk to reach it. and, with the advent of tdt, they're now also about the fact that healing is cyclical, not linear! there's no end point to growth. there's no happy ending—because there's no ending, short of death. life has ups and downs, and with every layer of ourselves we heal, another, deeper layer pulls back, demanding that same care and attention, those same tears and clawing for the light. it's hard. it sucks. but at the end of the day, we can get gelato with our friends. we can look at art. we can find our sweetmetals to carry us through our days, whether those be assistive devices, or people, or a favorite book.

;laskfjw idk TL;DR, these books would not only not be maggie stiefvater books if adam and ronan just... got engaged and were having a happy, fluffy time of it (and fwiw, declan and jordan are distinctly NOT having a happy fluffy time??)—they would also fucking suck. they would not be entries into this world. they would be doing these characters a fucking disservice. so just. everyone needs to calm down and realize they can just not read something if it makes them mad. what's that meme with the skeleton? you can just LEAVE!!! you can put the book down instead of harassing the fucking author, who is doing nothing but staying true to herself and her motivations in storytelling.

clearly i have a lot of feelings about this. if you read this far, blessings be on your funky little soul, you absolute legend.

[bippot]

Doppel

Story Summary -> Working with his wife usually comes easy to Spencer but when a woman identical to her is found dead, it becomes a little bit harder to deal with. Especially when she's determined to find the guy by whatever means she has at her disposal.

Tags -> Married Couple, Fluff and Smut, Kidnapping, Serial Killers, Canon-Typical Violence, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Brief weight gain mention, Pregnancy, Reader is a Member of the BAU (Criminal Minds), Protectiveness, Angst with a Happy Ending

Would you prefer to read this on AO3? Click here!

In all her time of knowing him, Y/N had never seen Spencer be rageful. He was annoyed by small minded cops constantly. Any case that had anything to do with kids caused everyone to be on edge. And he had a sore spot whenever schizophrenia came up in conversation.

He was kind and gentle and frequently had a smile on his face whenever she needed a friendly face, but Y/N knew that deep down, there was a sadness lurking in his soul. He was a lonely man at his core so she tried her very best to make sure she always was there to listen whenever he wanted to rant and tell her facts and vomit word soup out in the open.

Sure, the fact that he was cute was a factor in Y/N's interest in her coworker's words. But it was his genuine need to use that big ol' brain of his to help other people out that really captured her attention. He had a big heart to go along with his big brain, that's why he was so special.

And why she fell in love with him.

"Sorry, one of the officers cornered me and forced me to endure a way too long conversation about bitcoin and now your coffee is getting cold," Y/N announced as she placed Spencer's drink on the desk in front of him. He immediately pulled his focus away from the papers he'd been staring at and shifted it to his wife, causing his entire being to go from slouching down in his chair to perking up in attention.

"How did you get away?" he asked her with a gleam in his eye.

Y/N sat down on the edge of the desk and shrugged. "His shift ended," she answered with a chuckle, taking a sip from her coffee and holding back a wince at how bitter it was.

Whilst she was making it, she had been faced with a decision - use up all the remaining sugar on Spencer's cup so he has it the way he likes or share the sugar between them both and have the one coffee she allowed herself to indulge in per day to taste better. Luckily, he didn't see her distaste for her coffee, or if did, he didn't mention it.

But she did notice when he made a face that she'd seen far too many times. His brows furrowed and crinkled his forehead. Y/N's hand brushed the back of his shoulder tenderly. "Migraine?"

"Just a headache right now."

"Do you want me to go get you anything?"

"No, no, I'm okay," he waved her off. "I'll be fine."

Bullshit. She knew him well enough to know that he was in more distress than he wanted to admit. She jumped off the desk, gave him a scratch right on the crown of his head, and moved to find her bag, rifling through it until she found what she was looking for with a satisfied, "Ah-ha!" Whatever Y/N had found was being shoved in Spencer's direction. He took it without looking, knowing exactly what it was from the crinkle and soft jingling sound that accompanied it, and popped the magnesium out of the packet and tipped a vitamin B gummy from the pot.

"Thank you, honey."

"It's my job to make sure my husband's brain doesn't explode," Y/N told him as he threw the gummy in his mouth. "You're welcome."

"I certainly am," Spencer replied with a cheeky grin, before taking a large gulp of his coffee. His wife rolled her eyes but couldn't resist smiling back.

By the time Y/N had finished her coffee, Hotch was calling for everyone to gather because there had been bodies found. The squad listened as Garcia gave them the update. Four bodies had been found, all of whom had very similar features. As he was watching the photos of the dead women pop up on the screen, Spencer's hand made it to his wife's back, curling her shirt into his fist. Y/N didn't seem to react. Not even when all of the team had looked at her as soon as they realised too.

The victim they'd deduced had been the first of this serial killer was a doppelganger of Y/N. The others looked similar but the first was almost identical to her. Same hair colour, same nose, same eyes, same smirk. There were a few obvious differences due to styling and body weight distribution but they could be sisters. Twins even. Well, at least Y/N knew what she'd look like after being strangled to death and dumped in a mass grave in the middle of nowhere. She never had wanted to know that. Now she did.

Whatever morbid curiosity she had, it had never got that detailed. Hotch knew that Y/N would be able to deal with this. However, he had no idea if Spencer would be. Judging by Reid's clenched jaw and the mortified look in his eyes, he wasn't dealing with being presented with an image of someone who looked like his wife dead in a ditch very well.

"I'll point out the elephant in the room," Y/N began before anyone could say it out loud. She gestured in the general direction of her face. "We could use this to our advantage."

Yeah, she'd been a decoy before and was prepared to do so again. Her situation was slightly different now though.

Spencer's head whipped up. A thousand million zillion alarm bells went off in his head, which was not very pleasant mixed with his headache. "Y/N..." he warned, his voice low and shaky.

"It's an option. That's all I'm saying."

"We'll try a more traditional approach at first, but it may be beneficial for us to keep Y/N out of the public eye just in case we need to go down that route," Hotch stated, which was met with some relief. Not much. Some. He turned fully towards Spencer. "Is that agreeable?"

Humming his agreement - though it didn't sound all that enthusiastic - Spencer was mostly quiet during their discussion about the unsub. The usual points were hit. The unsub is anti-social. He won’t look anyone in the eye. He’s not confident. He's a white male in the 30-45 range. He probably doesn't like his mummy. Spencer spoke up when he thought he had new insight that nobody else had brought up yet, but as soon as Hotch told everyone to get some sleep for the night, Spencer got the hell out of there.

Derek sighed. "Want me to cool him down?" He offered, bumping her in the shoulder with his own. Y/N shook her head and gave him a bump back.

"I will power through the silent treatment,"she told him, and he gave her a few seconds to change her mind before chuckling and stepping away.

Back in their hotel room, Spencer was in the shower when Y/N got back. He'd had a five minute head start and was not wasting that precious time, it seemed.

Officially, the FBI booked two rooms for the married couple as agents have their own rooms instead of sharing most of the time - unless the hotel is fully booked or they're in a romance novel and need to huddle for warmth - so whenever the squad touch down in a new city and settle in, there's a guarantee that one of the Reid's rooms are abandoned. It was a waste of company money.

Working together whilst married had been a weird thing in the beginning. There was a review of how effective Y/N and Reid were by the unit chief when they first declared themselves as a couple to HR, and then another conducted after their wedding. It was decided that there weren't any glaring problems with the two working together - they weren't half as flirty as Morgan and Garcia so maybe that helped them out a bit - so they were allowed to stay in the same unit. That report had said that Agent L/N's reckless nature often conflicted with Dr Reid's anxiousness. Which had been true enough. Sometimes those traits worked well together. Other times...

A pin drop could be heard as the couple got ready for bed. Y/N climbed into her side of the bed and Spencer into his. The room was dark and quiet, and in that silence, Spencer could hear the sound of his heart and that drum beat of terror, and it was almost as loud as a thunderstorm. Could she hear it too? Or was he just afraid that she could?.Both sat with their backs against the headboard, Y/N read her book quietly while Spencer stared into space and tried his best to ignore his wife. The silence stretched on and on, until finally, Spencer felt a hand on the back of his head and fingers softly stroking through his hair. He let out a sigh of relief.

Instantly, the drum in his head stopped. He pressed himself into her side, morphing his body to fit the contours of hers, and - without losing her spot on the page - she let her head tip downwards to give him a kiss on the crown of his head. It was a soft, brief peck and Spencer felt himself yearn for more. "Pay attention to me?" He whined.

An amused huff came from her nose and she placed her book on the bedside table so both hands were free to lavish him with so much petting and loving caresses that he began purring like a cat in no time.

"Better?"

"Much," he said, closing his eyes and enjoying the feeling of her warm fingers tracing patterns along his temples, his nose, his cheekbones. Her fingers moved to his chin and tilted it so she could give him a smooch, and Spencer thought he would melt at the pure sweetness of her lips on his.

"I love you," he said, and it felt so natural to say it. It felt so right.

"I know," she replied, sounding just as serious. "I love you too."

Spencer felt a shift in the atmosphere as the tension that had been there evaporated, leaving them to cuddle together and enjoy the rest of the night in each other's arms. Though the issue hadn't been solved, that was okay right now. They'd deal with that tomorrow or whenever it had to be dealt with. Not right now. Not before bed. They'd never gone to bed angry at each other and they weren't going to start today.

Despite seeing her dead doppelganger, Y/N fell asleep pretty quickly. Her husband was so warm at her side and the hotel pillow was so fluffy and comfortable that she was out like a light in no time. Spencer lay awake for a long time, his eyes staring at the ceiling, his thoughts racing as he traced a line from one of her hips to the other and back again over and over again, feeling the pouch of her stomach with the very tip of his finger, and his chest was tight with worry.

He didn't know why his mind kept going back to that photograph. Why would his brain choose to relive that? Did he want to torture himself that badly? Maybe if he stayed awake he would be able to protect her from anyone who even thought about hurting her. He'd catch this killer if it was the last thing he ever did.

"I can hear you thinking." His wife's sleepy voice interrupted his thoughts and Spencer let out a small groan. How long he'd been unravelling in his own brain, he had no idea, yet it was long enough for the hoarseness that she usually got after a nap to enter her voice. "Go to sleep, baby," she said. "You're going to be exhausted tomorrow."

"Can't."

"You can."

Y/N pulled his body so that he was fully on top of her and wrapped her arms around him. Spencer felt her start to move her hand up and down his spine in a gentle rhythm and her other hand cupped the back of his head, holding him close as she slowly rocked them side to side. She began to hum a tune, cradling him almost like he was a 6'2" big baby, and let him relax in her arms. It worked. It always did. Within minutes, he was snoring into her shoulder. He did that thing that men do when they suddenly spasm for no apparent reason because their body can't believe it's finally getting some down time, but eventually it evened out.

Once the early morning arrived, Y/N was beginning to stir. She awoke to the soft gentle presses of her husband's lips against the skin of her stomach, his head lifting up the bottom of her sleep shirt to plant a kiss on her belly. For the past month or so, she'd often woken up to him mumbling a hushed conversation to her abdomen. She'd pretended not to hear it and let him continue for as long as he wanted to, thoroughly enjoying his affection and the way it would send a shiver of pleasure straight through her body. And today was no different.

Only when it became clear that he wasn't planning on getting up anytime soon did she begin to move and acknowledge the fact that she was actually awake and aware. Massaging his shoulders, she cooed, "Morning handsome," and he mumbled something unintelligible as he buried his face in her stomach again, his stubble tickling the sensitive skin there.

Reid was not a morning person. Not in the slightest. Y/N had learned very early on that the best way to force him to get up in the morning was to get herself up and he would mimic her. It usually worked like a charm. But this morning, he'd trapped her legs beneath his body and was keeping her hips pinned to the mattress with his. This man was heavy. He was gangly and lanky and looked like a twig but could feel like a tonne of bricks when he wanted to. And he was trying to keep her pinned down, which meant he wanted something.

"Let me up, you big brute," she teased as she wriggled her hips to try to get away from him. Spencer laughed at her attempt and she gave up the moment his big hands landed on her hips to keep them still. He lifted his head up, the smile on his face making his eyes crinkle.

"Morning beautiful."

"I take it you're not ready to get up for work just yet?" He shook his head as he ran his hand up and down her waist, keeping his eyes on hers. "You know we'll have to eventually, right?"

"I do. I also know I'm going to have to be pretty convincing to get you to stay." He pressed a kiss to her navel. "But."

One more kiss placed just under the previous one on her abdomen. "I am."

Another on her pelvis. "Willing."

Two more, one on each thigh, his palms pushing her legs apart to give him more space to settle in the gap. "To. Be."

Finally, he let his lips fall to her underwear-covered pubic bone in the barest whisper of a kiss, one that set off a small firestorm of desire that shot straight to her core. "Very, very convincing."

At the beginning of their relationship, they'd come up with the rule that they wouldn't give in to their desire whilst on the job. When they first got together, that was mostly a way to make them seem as unsuspecting as possible. Their coworkers were profilers for god sake! Even the slightest smudge of her lipstick on the corner of his mouth and Derek would be giving Spencer a patronising clap on the back and a "My man."

Now it was out in the open, it was mainly a professional courtesy. It would look awful if two FBI agents comforted a grieving family with mussed hair and incorrectly buttoned shirts. There were exceptions, though. And why not? They had plenty of time before they were expected to show up at work. They were in the privacy of their hotel room with the nearest member of their team (Emily) six rooms away. The rule could be morphed into a suggestion, and it's easier to ignore suggestions.

"Can I convince you?" He let his lips curl upwards at the corners as he gave her a kiss over her underwear with an exaggerated 'mwah'. He added on a desperate sigh of "Please?" to seal the deal.

"You can try."

"Well then, lie back and enjoy yourself, Mrs Reid," he responded cheekily, pulling her underwear down her thighs and off in the general direction of her suitcase that sat by the dresser.

With that, he got to it. He started by licking and nipping at the inside of her thighs, making sure to get up higher with each bite until his lips touched her clit and he flicked it with his tongue. Her head fell back as she arched into his mouth, giving him better access to do whatever the hell he wanted to her. His hands cupped her butt, keeping her pressed up against his mouth as he worked her into a frenzy.

"Mrs Reid, you are so beautiful."

Her eyes fluttered shut as she let herself go. The pressure of his mouth, his hands, his stubble. Her man could make her come in no time at all. The more he gave her, the more she wanted. And the more she wanted, the more he gave her. It was a lovely cycle that gave them both what they wanted.

The slow slide of his fingers moved under her shirt and up to her bare breasts. He teased her nipples into hard points, his touch sure and demanding, and just was needed to make her moan out his name. "Spencer, oh god, Spence."

Thanks to one particularly forceful suck on her clit, Y/N was grabbing at Spencer's curls, trying to hold him to her while he drove her towards the edge. But it wasn't enough just yet.

"Fingers too, baby."

"Where are your manners, honey?"

"Jesus fucking christ, are you serious?" She huffed and had planned to fully argue some more but gave up almost immediately. "Fine! Please finger me, my loving husband."

"That is more like it."

He kept his eyes locked on hers as he used two fingers to part her folds and slip them inside of her. She was wet and ready for him, and he made quick work of finding her G-spot, mumbling a little "Ah, there it is," when she got a smidge louder. He curled his fingers at the same pace as his tongue swirled around her clit. It was a rough and slow rhythm that made her writhe and squirm.

"Can feel these legs shaking. You close, pretty girl? You want me to keep going, don't you?"

"Uh-huh, keep going."

"Tell me. Say it. Say it all pretty like you always do."

So, she did. Her voice was all breathy and whiny as she got out the words he wanted to hear. "You're so good, gonna cum, gonna cum. So good to me."

Y/N felt her orgasm catch up with her, her muscles tensing up as she was taken over by the wave of pleasure. It swept over her in seconds, stealing her breath and leaving her weak in the knees. She dug her nails into Spencer's shoulders, curling her toes into the bed to keep herself grounded as she felt the aftershocks ripple through her.

"Good job, baby," she praised, grinning down at him. "What's next on the agenda this morning?"

Spencer's smile was so goofy - looking as if he drunk off the taste of her, and maybe he was - as he moved himself back up the bed to kiss her neck, his grin making it impossible for the kisses to be anything but a press of teeth against soft skin. He kissed up and up and up until he reached her ear, whispering, "I’m not done with you yet, honey. If you ask me nicely, I'll fuck you so good," against the shell.

Whenever Spencer swore, it was always surprising to her. And when he swore like that, it sounded more dirty than if a frequently swearing man had done it. As if his mouth was filled with those words but had been pushing them down and down - they'd been sitting there for a while, just brewing - and in the wait, had grown a mind of their own.

"C'mon, Spence, get your cock out and put it in me already. I wanna feel you, please?" she asked, exaggerating the 'please' so he couldn't call her rude again.

"Yeah, you want more?" he teased, squeezing her ass in his big palm.

"Damn right, I do."

"I'll get right to it then, my pretty baby."

As he nuzzled his face into her neck, kissing the skin there, let her head fall back on the pillow, let out a giggle when he bit at her jaw and pushed his head away, laughing even harder when he tried to playfully bite her fingers.

"Weirdo."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But you're married to me so that makes you Mrs Weirdo by default. You signed yourself up for all this, honey."

Tugging his boxers down, she gave him a light a slap on the ass, the sound of smack loud in the quiet of the room. "Married you just for the marital tax deduction," she joked, but she couldn't help but mischievously grin so he absolutely knew she was just messing around. Obviously she told him that she loved him lots yet he still struggled to comprehend that some days. So, she made sure whenever she teased him that he was fully aware that she didn't mean it.

"And I married you because I love you," he responded, far more sincerely than she had thought he would've.

Spencer collapsed on top of her, every muscle in his body tingling. "That was..." he couldn't even believe it. "So good. I'm not sure I'll ever top that." He laughed, a full-body, carefree sound that was the best thing she'd ever heard. Y/N laughed, too, watching as he rolled off of her and onto his back, his hair falling in a ruffled, sexy mess around his face. It was impossible to resist running her fingers through his hair, the feeling of his thick, curly locks against her hand so comforting, so calming.

"We should shower."

"I thought you wanted to quit our jobs and stay in bed forever?" Y/N parroted his words back to him, rolling onto her side to face him.

"We smell of sex." He got out of bed and held his hands out to his wife to help her to her feet. "Come on, stinky."

By the time they were showered and dressed, none of their coworkers would know how Spencer had made her go briefly brain dead that very morning.

This case wasn't solved on their first visit. The unsub had either been tipped off or was closely following the investigation and went dormant for enough time that Hotch moved them on, which wasn't an unusual thing to happen. It was annoying, though.

There was some guy out there whose perfect victim was Y/N. Even as they got on with their lives and solved other cases, that fact remained in the back of Spencer's head. He couldn't forget it - mostly because he doesn't forget anything - but he knew that if he hadn't been born with this gift, that it would be the same. With this guy still out in the world, Y/N was in danger every time she went out in public. It was hard to breathe while he was thinking about that.

Two months later, the unsub killed again and the team was brought back. This time Spencer was determined to find him.

The same officer who'd lectured her about bitcoin once again cornered Y/N, but this time, she had her husband by her side. Previously, he'd been a little pushy but once Y/N had told him that she was in a relationship, he backed off. Now, he greeted her with, "I remember you being slimmer."

What? Did he think that was an acceptable way to say hello?

"Funny, I have an eidetic memory - that means I remember just about anything I deem important - and I don't remember you. Weird," Spencer shot back, his tone icy.

Instantly, the officer's jaw dropped. "I, um, I just - "

"We've been on the jet for the past few hours, mind giving us some space?" Spencer suggested and the officer flushed a bright red, backing off immediately. Y/N caught Spencer's eye and gave him a quick squeeze on the bicep to say thanks, and was rewarded with a wink that was far too flirty for a work environment.

Garcia gave them another rundown of the case, briefly going over what they had before and adding the new revelations at the end. The killer had fucked up. The most recent victim had bite marks on her shoulder so they had a very good insight at what the killer's teeth looked like. Whoever he was, he was missing his top canines and if they were to look into his mouth, there would be an obvious gap.

Part way through Garcia's rundown Spencer very subtly reached into his pocket, pulled out a granola bar and slid it towards his wife. She ate it with a smug little smile on her face.

"That's new," Emily pointed out. "There was no bite mark at the last crime scene."

"Biting as a form of attack is usually used as an act of self defence," Derek added.

Hotch let out a gruff noise, one that was toneless and no indicator of whether he thought that was a correct assumption or not. He had a talent for that - bland, unemotional responses that encourages more discussion without leaning the conversation one way or the other.

"That would only make sense if the marks were inflicted perimortem or pre-mortem, but judging by the lack of redness and blood splatter around the puncture of the skin, this bite was done post mortem," Spencer explained, gesturing with the tip of his pen at the area around the teeth marks.

"This guy has escalated to biting his victim's after he's killed them, why?" Y/N posed the question once she'd finished chewing and the room was silent for a second before Rossi spoke up.

"A killer I interviewed back in the early 90's did the same thing. For him, he believed he was absorbing the life essences from his victims, he was consuming what little of them remained when he bit them."

Emily let out a bitter scoff. "Even after taking their lives, it's still not enough for this guy. He needs to annihilate what's left of their soul."

"Maybe he thinks he's collecting souls for the afterlife like how Zodiac believed his victim's would become his slaves once he passed on?" Y/N thought out loud and the room went still, all of them thinking it simultaneously.

"Whatever the case, the guy is a freak," Derek stated, and they all nodded in agreement because yeah. He was a freak.

Just before they'd gone off into their own research teams, Hotch called put, "Y/N, would you mind holding back a few minutes? I need to speak with you," and although she knew she hadn't done anything to warrant a stern talking to, it still felt like being sent to the principal's office.

"I'll catch up with you in a sec, Spence."

Closing the door once Spencer was on the other side, Hotch sighed. "I know what your answer will be but I feel obligated to ask, do you want to give this one a miss?"

Y/N looked over at him and the corners of her mouth turned up just a little. "You think I'm going soft, Aaron?" She teased, and he grinned at her.

"I know Reid's been giving you an earful."

"He always does."

Something that sounded like a chuckle came from Hotch's throat but it died before it could fully form as his eyes caught the opened case file on the desk, the photo of Y/N's dead doppelganger paperclipped in the corner of the page. "And if we run out of options?"

"As long as you can guarantee that I can blame everything on you so Spencer doesn't stay mad at me for the next year, I'm still up for being a decoy," she clarified. "We've got to catch this guy."

"I will take the blame."

"You better."

Eventually, they found everything about the guy. Garcia cross referenced this with that and then that with this to find out the guy's name was Leyton Hart, his father died when he was young and his mother was an addict who he was still living with despite the fact he was raised mostly by his next door neighbour, a young girl that was only a few years older than him. This neighbour, who they became aware was once called Isla Wiley, was the first victim. She was Y/N's doppelganger.

Infuriatingly, the only thing they couldn't find was where the hell he was now. He wasn't at home, nor at the smart car customer help desk he worked at. They checked his credit cards, they tried calling his cell, they checked with his boss and his mum, nothing.

"You think he's left the area?" Derek asked.

"It's not impossible," Emily replied. "He went dormant for months once we'd caught his scent, he may be prepared to do it again."

Spencer began, "If we could draw him out -" and stopped as soon as his brain caught up with his mouth. He cleared his throat. "Ignore that."

Rossi could see the silent conversation Y/N and Hotch were having and decided that he'd be the bad guy in this scenario to save both of them from doing it. "No, that could work, Reid. And we have an asset to do so," David announced, readying himself for whatever was about to happen to happen.

"Y/N is not an asset, she is a person! And we can't risk a member of our team in the hopes of catching this guy! Her being on this case is risky enough as it is!"

Reid's chest was rising and falling faster as he tried to keep his temper in check. His vision was getting more red by the second. His fingers were drumming against the table. The blood was rushing to his ears. He felt sick.

"We are not risking my wife's safety to catch this guy!"

Y/N rested her hand over Spencer's, her middle finger tracing over his wedding ring. "This could be our best shot," she said quietly, and he knew at that exact moment that the subject had been brought up with her beforehand and she hadn't mentioned it to him.

He felt sicker than he'd ever felt in his life.

"I don't care!"

"Spencer," Y/N said sternly, her tone made it very clear she was warning him to stop and think about this before he said something he couldn't take back. She squeezed his fingers gently, her thumb rubbing along his knuckles before he whipped his hand away.

"God, I can't believe you're putting this before everything else."

"We could save a bunch more women. Think of the families, Spencer. We have a chance to give them some peace."

"What about my family? Do you really think I'm going to just -" He was shaking his head as he spoke, trying his best to find a way to reason with her, to convince her to stop. He knew he was failing. And because he was failing, he decided to take himself out of the situation before he said something drastic and lost his job. "You know what, good luck, honey. I'll be waiting for you if you come home."

And he walked out of the conference room, slamming the door behind him. Y/N rubbed at her eyes, taking a few deep breaths and letting out a groan. "Well, that went spectacularly," she mumbled, then rubbed her neck as she looked over at Hotch. "Sorry about that."

"He'll come around," Morgan said.

Prentiss agreed. "Eventually."

"If I had to guess, putting this bozo behind bars will speed that process up." Rossi reached across the desk and patted Y/N affectionately on the hand. "Trust me, I've been married enough times by now to know."

Raising an eyebrow, Hotch posed the question 'Are you still on board with this?' with just his face and only confirmed, "Let's start planning," when she nodded.

While the squad figured out the details, Y/N went in search of her husband. They may have differing opinions on what should go down but she still wanted to comfort him and make sure he was okay. She found him in the back seat of their hire car outside eating a sandwich, taking big aggressive bites, and staring off into the parking lot bush in front of the windscreen. He didn't even look up when he heard her open the door and sit in the seat on the other side of the car. He chewed, swallowed, and kept on looking.

Wordlessly, she slid across to the middle seat and let her head fall onto his shoulder. He didn't move, just kept on chewing, his Adam's apple bobbing as it swallowed the last of his food. After a while, he sighed and leaned back in the seat, resting his head on the headrest as he closed his eyes.

"I know you're worried, baby," she said softly, stroking his arm to get a little more of his attention. "But I can do it, and I will. I don't need you to protect me but I'm very touched that you did. Thank you for looking out for me."

"You're welcome," he replied bitterly. "I'd say you're all set to go then, yeah?"

"Babe..."

She smiled sadly, cradling his head in her palm. He'd been through a lot in his life, she knew that. She'd been there for a lot of it. A lot had gone on back when they were just pals. And even more had happened now they were something different. Going off the basis of his experiences, his concern was fully warranted.

"I'm so selfish. I care about you and I love you and I don't want anyone to touch a hair on your head. This guy... this guy shouldn't get to breathe the same air you do after what he's done." He opened his eyes and finally focused on her, the light of the setting sun illuminating his face in such a way that it made him look like a sad angel. "I can't lose you too, baby."

"If I don't, more women will die."

"If you die, my entire world ends," he choked out, his entire face contorted with misery. "It would be like the sun went out. As if I was a pontifex and my Goddess had been suddenly ripped from my hands, and there was nothing I could do about it."

Obviously, she couldn't guarantee her survival. They both knew that. Y/N closed her eyes and held her breath, trying not to cry as she felt him grip on her jacket, digging his fingers into her elbow as if to anchor her there. She couldn't bring herself to say anything though. She could hear the anguish in his voice, the horror of it, and it was all her fault for being born with the face she had.

The hand on her elbow moved down to find her hip as he pulled her closer into him, resting on her stomach when he was satisfied with the lack of space between them. She rested her head against his shoulder and let herself feel his pain.

"We'll get him," she whispered. "We'll catch this bastard. And we'll get through this."

Tilting her chin up, she caught his lips with hers in a gentle kiss and held on for just a moment before pulling back. "You had a club sandwich," she pointed out playfully, tasting what was left on his lips and feeling her smile broaden. "Making me kinda hungry."

"Let's go get you some lunch."

Before she had comprehended what he said, he was getting out and moving into the driver's seat. They left to get some food - getting in an order for what everyone else on the team wanted whilst they were there - and smoothed out their emotional spikes to settle into a more stable state to prepare for later on.

Then later came. Y/N had been dressed up in an outfit similar to one that Isla had been photographed in - a stripy shirt, denim dungaree and espadrilles - and told to phone the customer service desk for the smart car they'd given her for breakdown help. Once Leyton Hart, who'd managed to reroute the calls that were supposed to go to his work computer to his personal cell, had confirmed that he was on his way to the secluded patch of road Y/N had 'broken down' at, it was a waiting game.

Most of the team were not that far away, around 30 yards behind a thicket of trees. Far enough away to not be seen if he wasn't looking too hard and close enough that they'd be able to make it to help Y/N out in a minute if she needed it.

Sitting in the car, Y/N listened to the hum of the radio and let her legs dangle off the seat and out into the opened door, swinging them to the beat until Penelope warned her, "Incoming!" through comms and she stopped immediately. Y/N could feel him coming, sense him even though she couldn't see him just yet. "Here we go," Penny told the others, keeping her voice low and her eyes glued on the road ahead as his pickup truck came into view.

There was no mistaking the man in the truck. Y/N's gut twisted and she tasted bile in the back of her throat at the sight of him as he got out of the truck and strode towards her. She painted a smile on her face, greeting him with a friendly, "Hi, you are a lifesaver! This stupid car just -"

Before she could finish her sentence, he did something they never predicted he'd do and whacked her in the temple with a ratchet wrench. Y/N's body went limp and she slumped into Leyton's waiting arms as her vision went dark.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!" was all Spencer could manage to get out of his mouth as he ran forward to reach her before she was placed in the back of the truck. Hotch raced after him and managed to tackle him to the grass before Leyton noticed them, which would compromise Y/N even further.

Spencer's worst fears were becoming a reality. A serial killer just drove off with the love of his life and his boss had prevented him from intervening.

However much time later, Y/N winced herself awake and looked blearily around. She had no idea how long she'd been out, but she knew for sure she was not in a good situation. She had a throbbing headache and her neck was sore from being arched over for what felt like hours. And she was on a very dirty and gross floor with one hand cuffed to a radiator. It was dark, which she thought was probably for the best for her headache, and cold. She was shivering as she tried to blink the blurriness out of her eyes and get her bearings.

For now, she was alone.

There was no telling how long she'd been out for. Minutes? Hours? A couple of them? It didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was that she was alive and that she had to get out of here..Grimacing against the pain, she rolled onto her side and pushed herself to a sitting position. The world tilted a bit and she grabbed the edge of the nearest wall to steady herself. The cuffs cut into her wrists and her ankles were getting achy. Overall, it wasn't a great time.

Then, the sound of a key in a lock and the door to the warehouse creaked open, light from the outside glinting dully off the metal floor. "Hello Isla," a deep voice said. "Didn't expect you to be awake."

Going along with this fantasy of his would probably be best. That would give the team time to find them. If there was one thing Penelope was good at was finding a needle in a haystack and, by the look of her surroundings, they were a small needle.

Wherever she was, it was so basic that nothing really stuck out. There was only the radiator she was attached to, a sturdy looking wooden chair, and a cardboard box with a children's book on the top. No windows, concrete floor, metal door, and an industrial overhead lamp that Leyton switched on with a flick of his wrist.

"I knew you'd come back to me," Leyton said, a gleam in his eye. "I knew you would if I gathered enough souls to bargain. You said we could watch cartoons when you came back, can we watch cartoons?"

"Of course we can," Y/N said with a grin. She struggled to ignore the aching in her neck and the twinge in her arms and legs as she spoke. "We can watch whatever you want to watch."

"Whatever?"

"Yeah. Whatever."

"Really?"

"Yeah, really."

Leyton smiled, leaned his head in closer to hers, and whispered, "I'm so glad you're back." Y/N shivered and pushed away the sudden urge to puke, not only because his breath wasn't the best but this creep was so close to her face she could see his spit in his mouth. "You know, you're not going to leave me ever again, right?

"I wouldn't dream of it," she said softly.

Like a child, he jumped up and down on the spot. They'd classified this guy as an organised killer, a sophisticated guy that plans his kills and chooses his moments. But his current demeanour had proven otherwise. This guy was someone who had been stunted socially as a young teen and desperately needed this kind of affection and approval. Maybe he'd devolved.

"I'm sorry I hit you. I didn't want to."

"You did what you had to. I understand that," she lied. "You were protecting me."

"Yes! I was! I'm so glad you can see that now!"

Y/N coughed, hiding the way her face fell by itching her cheek with her shoulder as soon as he looked away from her. As soon as he heard her cough, all of a sudden, he scrambled onto the floor and plonked his head down in her lap. "There, there, Isla," he said, stroking her thigh. "I'm sorry for what I did. I'm so sorry."

Having a serial killer cuddle up to you was weird, to say the least.

"I f-forgive you," she stuttered, before looking down at him with shining eyes and hesitantly reaching her free hand towards his hair. His eyes widened and he leaned further into her hand as he waited for her to touch him. Her fingertips brushed against his thick hair as she caressed the top of his head.

They stayed in that position for more time than Y/N would care to admit.

There was a pang of something in her chest as she watched him nuzzle into her hand and close his eyes as if in bliss. She didn't have time to really feel any sort of pity for Leyton since the metal door suddenly burst open and Spencer came into view, his gun out in front of him.

"Step away," Spencer hissed as he came to a stop in front of her. His face was furious as he cocked his head to the side. "Keep your hands off her."

"But she's mine," Leyton said, a look of innocent bewilderment on his face that soon changed to mindless fury as he pulled himself free of her lap and charged at this random guy pointing a gun at him.

Instead of shooting the killer, Spencer chucked his weapon to the ground and swung at the guy, his fist connecting with Leyton's cheek and then getting another blow to his stomach as he doubled over. Spencer landed punch after punch after punch on the killer's face and body, and Leyton got a few good jabs in before he dropped like a sack of potatoes, blood gushing from his nose and mouth. Yet, Spencer still wasn't done. He was vicious. It was cruel.

And it was the most spiteful thing she'd ever see her husband do.

Derek rushed into the room with Emily hot on his heels. Morgan got Reid by the waist and yanked him away from the fight just as he got another shot in. He raised his hands in a gesture of surrender and backed away from Leyton, who was coughing and spitting up blood onto the concrete floor. Spencer gave a look of disgust as he stepped away from the twitching Leyton and came to a stop in front of Y/N. His chest heaved as he wiped his bloody nose on his sleeve, slumping to sit in front of her as he dropped to the ground.

"Hi honey," he said, leaning in and touching the bump on her forehead with his index finger. "You're bleeding."

"So are you."

"That was... that was..." He shook his head, not knowing how to describe the fight.

"It was," she replied. "I'm glad you won."

"Me too."

As Derek cuffed Leyton Hart, Emily was searching around for the keys to let Y/N out of her cuffs. The moment she was free, Y/N flung herself into her husband's arms and buried her face in his neck, breathing in his scent and listening to the steady rhythm of his heart. She pulled away and looked into his eyes. "You didn't sleep," she commented, seeing the heavy bags under his eyes and noticing how strong the scent of coffee emanating from him was. He always smelt a little like coffee but this was, BANG, right in your face and kind of overwhelming.

"Couldn't."

The floor was a thick layer of grime and old blood covering it so Y/N guided Spencer to stand and pushed him out of the door. In the heat of the moment, he seemed to be fine with all the germs but once his adrenaline depleted itself, he would get very agitated about it. She knew that for certain.

Soon enough, Hotch sorted everything out and after a quick trip to the medic, the couple were allowed to retreat to their hotel room to clean up and rest. On her way past her boss, Hotch stopped her to ask if she was okay, how many days off would she like and, "Who knew Dr Reid could be that - what's the word? - defensive?"

"Leyton Hart put his wife and child on the line, that's a lot to defend, I guess."

"Get some rest, L/N."

"Aye aye, captain."

They got to the hotel room in no time, both in desperate need for a reprieve from other people.

"I'm sorry," Spencer said, his breath hitching as he spoke. "About everything. I just... I couldn't control myself. I don't know what happened."

"This is totally fucked up for me to say but you looked hot - totally scary and intense and, honestly, I could go through my life and be happy if I never saw that side of you again - but, yeah, kinda sexy," Y/N admitted, bending over to start the taps on the bath tub.

"Oh. I, uh, I don't know how to compartmentalise that."

"That's okay. I don't either."

After having a preliminary shower to get most of the dirt off before Y/N got in the bath, she sunk into the warm water, leaning her head back against the tile wall as she closed her eyes and let the stress of the day wash over her. She tried not to disturb Spencer who had decided that it was now his turn to take a shower. He would be scrubbing himself with antibacterial soap for the next few minutes so she could just lay back and listen to the odd sounds her husband would make every now and then as he scoured every inch of his skin with his silicone bath brush that he brought with them wherever they went.

If he was on a deserted island - first off: sand, ew - and he could bring one thing, he'd probably bring that brush. ...Or a flare gun.

When he was done, he wrapped a towel around his waist and knelt on the tiles next to the bathtub, looking at her as she lay there, soaking in the water.

"You okay?"

"Mm-hmm."

"You sure?"

"Yep."

"We need to talk about this, you know?" he retorted, running his hand down the length of her arm and conjoining their hands. He perched his chin on the porcelain. "Did he hurt you?"

"No."

"Did he do anything that might've hurt the baby?"

"Not that I know of. We should make an appointment just to make sure."

Her thumb rubbed against his knuckles, hoping to ease some of the redness from his skin. "Let me kiss it all better, baby," she murmured, letting her lips fall to his bicep. Then to his forearm. The wrist. The palm. Then she turned his hand over so she could press gentle kisses to his busted knuckles. His fingers were long and slender and looked too delicate to hurt - or cause such damage - but they had, and now they were all busted up.

The few punches Leyton managed to get on him were mostly to the face. He had a black eye on the right and a red jaw on the other. Y/N was quick to cover those areas with love. Spencer watched her attentively, a million emotions and reactions dancing across his face as he tried to reconcile all the things he was feeling. But, for now, all he could do was accept whatever affection she thought he was worth.

He leaned forward and gently kissed her, tasting the faintest hint of blood on her lips, then he kissed her again, and again, and again, until she was drowning in the taste of him and had to break apart for a moment to breathe. When they finally came up for air, Y/N guided her husband's head to rest in the crook of her neck and shoulder, kissing his temple and running her fingers through his hair. They stayed like that, embracing in the bathroom, until the water grew cold and they moved their embrace to the couch.

Spencer pulled Y/N onto his lap, her knees digging into the crevice between couch cushions on either side of Spencer's hips as she settled in. He started by moving his hands up and down her back but couldn't resist the paternal urge to focus his attention on her stomach. His thumbs caressed the underside of her belly, sliding across the stretch of her bump.

For now, she'd been able to hide her pregnancy with baggier clothes but it was soon going to become apparent what was happening.

"I may have let it slip about little Reid to Hotch."

"Well, you're beginning to show and you've been very vocal about how hungry you always are in the office... I assume he already knew," Spencer reassured him, lightly trailing kisses down the side of Y/N's neck and pausing at her collarbone. "I'm sure he knew before we figured it out."

"I'm sure he did.”

She tilted his chin so he had to look into her eyes, smiling when he did so. "It's going to be okay, you know," she continued, eyes bright. "You're going to be a great dad, and we'll get through this." Spencer didn't respond but his eyes were so bright and full of love that she knew he heard her.

Y/N smiled wider, her eyes fluttering shut as she leaned in and pressed her lips to her husband's. It was a long, slow, tender kiss that said everything it needed to.

*Click here for my Spencer Reid masterlist, or here for the entire masterlist*

Wanna be added to a taglist? Either comment on this post or send me a message!