#SORRY I CANT WITH THIS WOMAN'S BEAUTY
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girlhood
#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day#like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year.#when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍#not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again#and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :)#like everything i do is informed by her#I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her#and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again#“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her#growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain#and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when#people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it#but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up-#when people mention it 😍#last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her)#and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook”#and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one#and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?”#im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her#lol!!!!!!!!!
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he hesitates. swallows down the building bile. locks eyes with a fading woman who will never be.
he hopes...
he hopes she exists. somewhere out there. gods know not here, but... somewhere. somewhere else. in some other universe, maybe. in pretty clothes, in a pretty face, in some other name. without the burden of 'cloud strife'.
he hopes shes happy.
#caption from my oneshot in progress (<< it will never be done)#ougohghg g i have so many feelings abt trans woman cloud strife#i know people generally see him as ftm but god . listen. theres so much internalized (and external !!) bullshit#he Has to be strong he Has to be stoic he Has to be a soldier to protect protect protect. so he has to be a man#and when he wears that dress in wall market when hes called beautiful and stunning and 'this way maam' and 'hello miss'...#well. you cant blame him for wondering if there could be something more#but he cant. because hes built to fight. hes built to protect. who will do it if not him?#so he ignores it. forces it down and grows uncomfortable. who will do it if he doesnt. who will do it if he doesnt#i have thought abt egg cloud. sorry#cloud strife#trans cloud strife#ff7#ffvii#art tag heehoo
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nooo like reading maria janion's such comprehensive overview of vampires and what defines a vampire and how the myth changes through times and authors, as entirely expected, has contributed to my regis brainrot.
because though it's obvious how many tropes regis subverts as he literally talks about himself, it's more overwhelming when they're all summarized focused on examples from across history and the literature canon, and pretty much hitting none of them or fucking with all of them. because it's not that he just doesn't fit in within his own fantasy universe, but that he doesn't fit in within the broader canonical definition...
"my personal vision of fantasy (...) he is not the typical vampire bloodsucker, according to the dictates of the canon" ... uggghhhh sapkowski, in his witcher, by challenging all genre expectations and tropes, creates all of these characters that don't fit in anywhere, neither in their universe or in the broader canon. and thus, can only find fraternity with each other
i was just reading like 'so... so he doesn't fit in *anywhere*... 🥺'. regis in baptism of fire explaining how he doesn't conform to either vampiric expectations of vampires (socially, for his personal principles) nor of human expectations of vampires (biologically, for his literal existence). but it even goes farther when you look beyond the witcher and to the broader literary and mythological canon. in practically every understanding of a vampire he would not be recognized as one of them... and does he even want to.
#> not a vampire by the majority of definitions#> born a vampire#> doesnt live as a vampire#> when people find out they are curious and apprehensive abojt him being a vampire#imagine some bullshit question like ‘but do you FEEL like a vampire’#honestly. this is how i feel about my gender <3#'and then people fetishize me and it's weird' - he literally understood everything there is to understand. regis honorary lgbt#'honorary' ... im jk lol#isn't this most of the heroes of the witcher though#milva: 'i just feel like i dont even fit the definition of a woman' | regis (not-vampire): 'felt' | cahir (not-nilfgaardian): 'felt'#the elbow-high diaries#i would stop thinking about regis but also i cant sorry :p#c: regis#everyone in the hanza and their duality... they're all half-one thing half-another#call my favorite characters coffee... because you know you put that half-and-half into them#me: biracial and nonbinary crying 'idk why i relate to these witcher characters so much'#witcher characters: cannot be defined by one half and live inbetween two worlds not fitting in either#WE UNDERSTANDED !#every time i start thinking abt this again i start humming 'here on the island of misfit toys...'#witcher/baptism of fire is like: moreso than how you personally identity your identity is determined by your social group views and actions#and that is why i love it sm. on top of being anti-war and also being funny and introspective and beautiful
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pussy so androgynous it causes a major fandom schism approximately 194 times a month
#yes this is abt gerard way i cant get the discourse out of my head i need to let the evil spirits out and the only way is by making a post#like i firmly believe its okay to like. well. femcr it up from time to time... or like..#use she/her affectionately bc well theyre my pretty little princess their gender has nothing to do w that#and that like. theyre not cis. that much is obvious. but like. it crosses certain boundaries to assert so aggressively that just bc#theyre not cis that the end goal is that theyre a Woman. like... yeah you can say theyre trans in the sense of it being the opposite of cis#which is the case. thats correct. but saying theyre a WomanTM just bc theyre not a ManTM is well.. troublesome. its erasure#and erasure of something so lovely as whatever it is they have going on like isnt it enough that theyre living their truth?#the need to categorize everything in a neat little box is something you need to unpack and realize that its harmful. its a forced dichotomy#and like as i said already its all fine to like go all 'omg gerard pick up the phone' or like 'oughh my beautiful wife' or 'miss gerard 🐀'#however it gets dangerous if you spend too much time in that bubble and forget the reality of things.#for that purpose i made that 'her pronouns are he/they'. to ground myself innit#ANYWAYS. if you read the tags im sorry but yeah...... letting the evil spirits out#piksla.txt
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maybe one day we'll have trans spaces that don't repackage and heavily reinforce the same body standards that make cis people feel like shit about themselves
#fr in so many spaces it feels like run of the mill dysphoria isnt bad enough??#you cant just transition you still gotta hate yourself for being a small man or a larger woman#like im honestly pretty neutral/positive about my body rn but you'd think id have to be cursing my fate lest i been seen as infected by#-'female beauty standards'#this is literally the shit that gives cis dudes orthorexia or whatever#likewise im so sorry to my sisters who gotta deal with toxic lady standards bumped up 1000 percent as part of 'transition goals'#and presented as an aspirational part of womanhood#something being a common insecurity doesn't mean reinforcement of it is good??#are we not already fucked enough
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MY GIRLFRIEND IS SO PRETTYYYYYY
#cecelia.post.#im on my KNEES#maam do you need a dog i can bark do you need a knight i can joust do you need head i have a mouth#sorry just cant believe it shes actually the most beautiful woman in the world like straight out of a painting or smth idk
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loving women is so funny bc sometimes it's like 'omg she's so pretty do i want her or do i want to BE her' and other times it's like 'i'm going complete feral i need her on levels that are concerning to gay rights'
#sorry i saw back to back edits of renée rapp and billie eilish#and it went from 'holy fuck renée is the most beautiful woman i have ever been blessed to see'#to 'holyf cuk i need billie to fucking strangle me RIGHT NOW'#in the span of a few seconds#my brain cant handle that#GOD I FUCKIGN LOVE WOMEN#I AM SO GODDAMN FUCKING GAY#GAY?? IN THIS ECONOMY??? WHO CAN AFFORD IT????????
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IJBOL
#IM SORRY INGRID. I WANT TO LIKE YOU as a comic book woman created to die but i just cant take any of this seriously#what if we gave jeremiah arkham a sweet lovely beautiful blonde wife who fixed him and then she died badly
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hyperfeminine girls…
I’m clawing at my face
#i’m just a girl#just girly things#tumblr#gay(idk)#wlw yearning#female rage#lesbian#saphic#woman beauty#women#girls#wlw post#IM SORRY MY PAGE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE POETIC BUT I CANT HELP IT
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tired and eepy but i forgot have i shared with the tumblr crowd that one day i just decided the holic heights go by rule of expy and any jotaro expy with no specified height is 195cm tall by default. it's extra funny cause i did the math and that would make watanuki a tall lanky 183cm or so but hed still look smaller next to doumeki and it would make him mad. i mean we know that part is canon but its extra funny if you just imagine that everyone in holic is just super fucking tall naturally like it's in the water or something. enter the spaghettiverse
#this post is sponsored by 'clamps new holic art proportions make me irrationally angry because yuuko looks like a normal sized woman#my wife is TALL and built like a beautiful long tree#my proof is that i literally own the scale figure in my room#they cant gaslight us like this she is sooooooooo tall#xxxholic#thinking abt that scene where tanuki complains abt szk being absurdly large that someone quote retweeted with 'oN HIS BIRTHDAY???'#that tweet has never left my brain for fucking years!!!!#the delusional rage slash matured routine bickering potential of a six foot mf with the height insecurity of a sitcom short king is so#fucking funny im sorry#im 165cm myself but i have no complaints about that to speak of and actually laugh at the concept of short people a lot for the memes#that wasnt relevant anyways
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just followed someone on tumblr and they were a terf damn i thought yall were lying
#‘all trans women are men’ girl no way u actually believe that 😭 touch grass please. maybe even smoke some#and its always these kinda bitches that are obsessed with the ‘trauma’ of growing up being raised a woman..#do u even have the guts to make ur identity anything but ur misery u pathetic lowlife. disgusting piece of shit#kill urself literally.#the trans women is the epitomy on feminism because she’s taken her idenity into her own hands. im sorry u cant see the beauty in that#pathetic forreal#terf warning#I UNFOLLOWED AND BLOCKED IMMEDIATELY BTW
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the most beautiful women in the world are at your place of work asking you where the edamame is at the precise moment you are the least equipped to respond in a coherent way and then they laugh gently at you because you tried to tell them exactly where it is and not only do you not actually know where it is but you are so distracted that within the first ten words you speak you trip over five of them and have to turn away for a moment to collect yourself. this post is a comedic hyperbole for a joke of course. this would never happen to me twice in two days
#you wouldn't believe how many opportunities there are in the world to embarrass yourself in front of beautiful women.#told a customer she reminded me of a citypop star generally. like anyone might. had to explain what i meant. HUMILIATING#she offered that her friends listened to jpop by men and i said 'between you and me i dont listen to men much'#which is the single most incriminating thing you can say to a woman you just said was very glamorous and elegant. MORTIFYING!!!!#oh god i cant post anymore i have to go lie down now. im sorry women
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might have some free time soon so i have to brain storm: how the fuck do u write grellerin
#my rant in tags#the hardest part is coming up with a good premise#cuz like if i dont like my own idea i cant really sell it#ok picture this and stop me if this has been done to death:#(takes place before madam red dies for context)#(so before/during the jack the ripper stuff)#mey rin is up one night and sees something she's not supposed to aka reaper!grelle just existing#and she has. no idea it's grelle she doesnt recognize her#so the next morning she goes up to her and is like#''it was the MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT and i saw the most BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ever but alas.... i may never see her again#'' sorry i forgot 2 finish the quote#and grelle is like ''OH HAHA NOO SHE WILL DEFINITELY SHOW UP AGAIN U SHOULD TALK TO HER BTW!!😅😅''#and she inadvertently becomes her own wingman.#drama and conflict ensues from all the confusion and misunderstandings and keeping secrets and whatnot#and grelle gets stuck in a mey rin love triangle with herself. lmfao#holy shit#what's wrong with me#anyways thoughts#grellerin
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woah hey guys its me Dark Hero [Verb] [Verb][Noun]
#patapon#patapon 3#i cant handle playing pata3 for the life of me but i love the designs theyre just little animal dudes. what the hell#i could treat them better than that fuckuing game *grits teeth with glass shatter sound effect*#BEAUTIFUL WOMAN COVET HISS IM SO FUCKING SORRY!!!! FUCK THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ourgh#it always pisses me off. off the charts
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all these old movies just like... constantly spouting shit about women and how they are manipulative teases and nags and weak but also hold so much power over men. and the scenes they'll use to demonstrate this is like... a woman sweet talking her husband bc he's angry and wants to murder her. like never is there any acknowledgment that a woman may use her "feminine wiles" or w/e bc she has no other power and is at the mercy of the men around her. no instead it's like "wow u can never trust women, sure makes me want to rape and murder them (which im able to do w relative impunity). clearly us men are under their thumb"
#it's just really exhausting#movies and tv are STILL misogynist ofc nowadays but god i cant imagine growing up surrounded only by movies#i cant imagine growing up w media that was constantly portraying women like that#to that degree#watched one silent film where the woman was 'modern' and social but NOT villainous or having an affair#AND she kept using her brain about stuff#and i was like 'wow this is so different' and guess what it was made by a woman#literally like her acting like a human person was super notable#watching 8 1/2 last night like im sorry it's beautiful and well made#but im so done w cheating middle aged men characters who are simultaneously#fucking and also fucking over and condemning the 20 yr women in their life#whose sole purpose in the film is to be young and gorgeous and to motivate or depress or inspire the guy#literally at this point would rather watch a movie with an all male cast w no mentions of women bc then at least i could pretend#but nope these filmmakers are fucking obsessed w women and obsessed w lead characters who treat them like shit#and so many of them are in film bc they want to do something new#and it's like ok how about something new u can is not be a misogynist?? bc that would be against the grain actually#misogyny#rape mention
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god idk why i feel so defensive of toshiro this morning. i just. i cant blame someone for being in love with falin, the most beautiful girl in the world
#just me#i think both he has an idealized version of falin in his head#and is self-centered in his proposal#and also that he does fr like her#it was the bug scene. im sorry he loved her bc she loved bugs. I'm sorry i cant fault a man for seeing a beautiful woman admiring a bug and#falling in love
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