#SO NOW HERE'S THE VERSION 2013-ME HAD BEEN DREAMING OF!

[pineapplefulfillseveryneed]

Sparkstember day 27: Annette ✨

[jikookuntold]

The Untold Truth of "Letter"

Back in 2021, 2022, or even early 2023, if someone had told me about the possibility of JK having vocal credits in Jimin's solo album, I would have called it wishful thinking at best. But it happened, and we got the song "Letter" (AKA Dear Army) as a hidden track in Jimin's first solo album, FACE, with back vocals by JK, and his name written invisibly in the album book.

The perfectly matching vocals of Jikook, with the heartfelt lyrics and soft instruments, undoubtedly made one of the most beautiful songs of the year, which could break many records for Jimin and his album if it was released in the streaming and buying services. The release of Letter as a hidden track in Jimin's solo album raised many questions and debates among Jikookers, and as someone who barely scrolls in the Tumblr app, I know I'm a bit late for the party, but I may or may not have some notes to add to the already made discussions. FYI, these are my analytic views and speculations, I am fully aware that this song has been named "Dear Army", and Jimin called it a "Fan song" on different occasions. So, I do not intend to ignore that and diminish Jimin's expression of love for his fans.

What's a Hidden Track?

Before getting into "Letter", we need to understand what a hidden track is. Well, the definition is pretty clear; When a song is not listed in the official track-list of a music album, but it exists in (some versions of) the physical printed CD, cassette, or LP, it's called a "hidden track". 

Hidden Tracks of BTS

There are several techniques and reasons to "hide" a track in an album, but in the case of BTS discography, the hidden tracks exist for a specific reason, and I'm going to explain it with the only examples we have. The debut album (2013) and Love Yourself: Her (2017), are the only BTS albums including hidden tracks, and if we ignore the skits in each album, "Path" and "Sea" are the only hidden songs BTS ever released. So, these two songs must have something(s) in common and different from the other BTS tracks that caused them to end up as a hidden track. To find that common factor, we need to check their lyrics first:

Path

[Intro: RM] Yeah, wassup? You know, time flows like stars (Check it, check, check, check, check it out) [Verse 1: RM] I started from imitating Eminem, Garion, Epik High To writing my own raps Now I see that I’m already at Hongdae My lyrics back then were all (****) Bossy But we dunno, we dunno When I dreamed without anyone to stop me Reality tied me down and trapped me inside Oh, my youth trapped me My hot heart lost to my cold mind (Damn) As I blindly told myself my decision was right I don’t know whether it’s an angel or a devil, but it says to me "Do you really have any plans to rap properly?" (Yes or no?) I didn’t have more time to hesitate and didn’t want to be stupid So I came here and three years passed by Some say art is long, life is short But for now, art is life Life is sports, just do it, uh [Chorus] If I had chosen a different path, would have I been any different? If I stopped and looked back (Oh hey ya, hey ya) What will I see at the end of this road? Where you should’ve been standing? (Oh hey ya, hey ya) [Verse 2: Suga, Suga & Jungkook] A long time passed and by 2013, I was a trainee for three years I was a high school student who grew overnight (I became a child) White hair grew from my desires and one by one my many friends (Parted ways with me) I spent my time in Seoul alone without a family (That was my third spring) I thought my worries would disappear with my debut ahead of me I closed my eyes to the present that had nothing to change But the reality was different, even as my family and friends tried to stop me I walked into the tunnels that shed no light on my own I thought I would be alone (Why?) As it turns out, there weren’t seven bare feet but we were wearing the shoe named Bangtan We��ll have to go forward, take one more step, become newer And that’s how I spent my fourth spring in Seoul (Whoa) [Chorus] If I had chosen a different path, would have I been any different? (Hey) If I stopped and looked back (Hey) Oh hey ya, hey ya What will I see at the end of this road? Where you should’ve been standing? (Oh hey ya, hey ya) [Verse 3: J-Hope] 2010, the year I walked towards Seoul! I just loved to dance, and now I’m standing on top of the stage Until then, I overcame many pains and scars to prepare myself I survived with my belief to bend, not break, and ran for three years Let the stars inside my heart shine! Now shine on me differently Write “Bangtan” on the paper world I walk my future with more lights on Give a smile to that far future (Ha, ha)

As you can see, the lyrics are simple and self-explanatory, so I guess we don't need any lyrics analysis, and the description section of the Genius translation I used here, says it all:

“길 (Road/Path) follows the member’s decisions to become idols in the Korean music industry. They recall their different upbringings from listening to hip hop in school to the hard years of being trainees under BigHit Entertainment. BTS pose the questions of how their lives would be different if they made a different decision, and they ask themselves what the future entails. A very introspective track about their career for a debut album, BTS display their thought processes as they enter the music scene.”

Sea

[Intro: Jungkook] Oh, ah, yeah [Verse 1: Rap Monster] I just started walking and ended up at the sea I'm looking at the coast from here There's endless sand and the rough wind I'm still looking at a desert I wanted to have the sea so I swallowed you up But I'm even thirstier than before Is what I know really the ocean? Or a blue desert? [Refrain: J-Hope] I don't know, I don't know If I'm feeling the waves right now, yeah I don't know, I don't know If I'm being chased by the sand wind, yeah I don't know, I don't know Is this the sea or the desert? Is this hope or despair? Is this real or fake? Shit [Pre-Chorus: J-Hope] I know, I know, my hardship right now I know, I know, I'll overcome I know, I know, open me up It's the place I can rely on Think positive, I'm swallowing my dry spit Even if I'm nervous, even if I'm in a desert I'm in the beautiful Namib Desert [Chorus: Jimin, Jin] Where there is hope, there is always trial (4) [Hook: V, Jungkook] Where there is hope You know, you know You know, yeah yeah (2) [Verse 2: Suga] I thought this was the ocean but it's a desert A medium-sized, ordinary idol was my second name Countless people get cut from broadcast But someone's empty spot is our dream They say some of these kids can't make it cuz their agency is too small I know, I know, I know too Times when the seven of us had to sleep in one room With foolish hope that tomorrow will be different before we fell asleep We saw the mirage in the desert but we couldn't grasp it Praying that we'll remain in this desert till the end Praying that this isn't truly our reality [Verse 3: Suga] In the end, we reached the mirage and it became our reality The scary desert became the ocean with our blood, sweat and tears But why is there this fear in between the happiness? Because we know too well that this place is really a desert [Refrain 2: Suga] I don't wanna cry I don't wanna rest No, who cares if we rest a little? No no no I don't wanna lose It's always a desert I told you everything Then I'll just be more depressed [Chorus: Jungkook, V] Where there is hope, there is always trial (2) [Hook: Jimin, Jin] Where there is hope You know, you know You know, yeah yeah (2) [Bridge: Rap Monster] Ocean, desert, the world Everything, the same thing Different name I see ocean, l see desert I see the world Everything's, the same thing With a different name It's life again [Hook: V, Jungkook] Where there is hope You know you know you know yeah (2) [Chorus] Where there is hope, there is always trial

Compared to “Path”, we have more innuendos and metaphors in “Sea” because of Namjoon’s lyricism (it was supposed to be in his mixtape at first), but as the description says:

"It discusses the hardships BTS has experienced since debut, particularly struggling to compete with groups from other, larger agencies. In this song, BTS reflects on these hardships, fearing that their global fame and success could leave as suddenly as it arrived."

Common Denominator

These two lyrics have one big thing in common, and it's the topic they are discussing. They talk about the members' struggles, fears, hopes, and dreams career-wise. I was thinking maybe these issues are something they can only share with their longtime fans, not the general public, therefore, they decided to release them as hidden tracks in the physical album for their real fans who buy them, something like the difference between Weverse and Instagram, I guess? Then I realized that’s something Namjoon has mentioned himself to Billboard Magazine, in LYS: Her interview:

And if fans are so lucky to own the physical album, they’ll hear two hidden tracks at the very. Why keep them secretive?

"I think they’re hidden because you have to be a real fan of BTS to understand them. Otherwise, you won’t. Otherwise, you’d like to be, “Why are they feeling so confused about things? They’re good?!? They’re No. 1 somewhere, they have so much stuff, why are they worried?” People always talk about that. But if you are a true fan of BTS and you buy the album and you listen to the hidden track — if you are an Army and we spent time together from 2013, 2014 — they could understand. It’s kind of more special, more closer, to our true hearts"

What about "Letter"?

In conclusion, hidden tracks for BTS, are something between them and their real fans who know about the path they have wended, therefore they can open up to them through lyrics and talk about their fears and struggles and ambitions without being judged or misunderstood. Also, we have to debunk some of the misconceptions going around (especially after the release of FACE) about hidden tracks. For example, some claimed that Letter is made for fans because hidden tracks are always supposed to be “gifts” for fans. This claim obviously can’t be true when you are able to listen to a hidden track legally, only by purchasing the physical album. Gifts are supposed to be free of charge, like Promise, Still with You, Christmas Love, My You, and so on. 

Then what about “Letter”? Why this song is a hidden track in Jimin’s first solo album? Did Jimin want to say something by hiding this track in FACE? To answer this questions, we need to pay attention to the lyrics and how the song was made:

 [Verse 1] What should I say? And how should I convey it? I'm really not getting my words right I know it sounds so clichéd So that it's not taken lightly Let me say it to you properly [Chorus] I say oh-oh, I hope you can be happier You, who stretched your hand out to me whenever I fell I say oh-oh, I'll hold it now (I'll hold it) So when you feel like crying, you won’t fall [Verse 2] After all this time has passed Will we still be the same? Just like we were when we first met, hmm-mmm If we are together, even the desert could turn to a sеa Just like how we were then, oh-hoo-ooh [Chorus] I say oh-oh, I really hope that it’ll last forever You, who felt like a warm spring to me in a cold winter I say oh-oh, I'll always cherish it All those moments between you and I [Refrain] Baby, don't leave Just stay by my side, yeah To you, who see me bigger than what my little self is (to you) So that I can give as much as I’ve received (oh-oh) So that I can keep my word (oh-oh) Don't worry, just stay by my side, yeah (Yeah) We don’t know what the future holds (holds, yeah) And that’s scary and makes us afraid (oh-oh) But don’t forget that we’re always together (don't forget) [Outro] I know it sounds so clichéd So that it's not taken lightly Let me say it to you properly

The Feelings

If you compare these lyrics to "Path" and "Sea" you can clearly see the differences, and except a mention of "sea and desert" there's nothing in common between them. Letter is not a monologue about career issues, it's a romantic song. These lyrics are expressing the feelings and addresses them to an audience and appreciates them. But how was this song made?

According to Jimin, at first, SMF Pt2 was supposed to be the last track of his solo album, but in their YTC promotion and recording era when they announced that they have planned to put their group activities on rest, Jimin decided to express his feelings of the moment through a letter, and turned that letter to song lyrics. Producers liked the song so much and decided to add it in his album and that’s how “Letter” was born. Although Jimin didn’t explain much about those “feelings” and left the conclusion to us like a true artist, we all know that this song is totally different from the other tracks in his album.

All the tracks of FACE are dark and sad. Jimin’s first album is all about himself, and he talks about the painful emotions he had as an artist and a person in the past few year, but with “Letter” there is a different story. Recording Academy admitted this and wrote:

“Though the EP is technically only six songs, the physical version has an additional “hidden” track called “Letter”. The song provides an intimacy that stands out from the other FACE tracks, capturing Jimin in his best form. The lyrics are poignant and vulnerable as Jimin pleads for someone to stay (“Baby, don't leave Just stay by my side, yeah”) The biggest surprise though? Fellow BTS member Jungkook contributes vocals to harmonize with Jimin.”  

A Fan Song?

“Letter” being a “Fan Song” is a stated fact by Park Jimin himself, and there can’t be any arguments about it, but that fact doesn’t mean Jimin made this song with the thought of fans in his head and all about them. In one of my old posts, I said that a faceless crowd can’t be the muse for a romantic song, especially when that song has a "standing-out intimacy".

Another reason for calling "Letter" a fan song, is the fact that it starts at 6:13 of the album, the numbers that remind us of the debut date of BTS. We can't call this a coincidence because we know how thoughtful and punctual Jimin is. But don’t forget that 6.13 is more of BTS time than ARMY time. So, as much as you call this track a song for fans, it can be called a song for his fellow BTS members.

Why JK?

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room. Why JK was a part of this song? Did it mean something for Jimin, or did he have no other options? Jimin said that FACE is an album about himself, and he didn’t feel right about featuring other artists in it, that’s why he decided to record SMF Pt2 all alone and do all the rap parts by himself instead of featuring Yoongi in it. He collaborated with several producers and songwriters (including Namjoon), but there was no featured artist in the whole album.

About the background vocals of the album, he did most parts by himself, and for the other parts, he worked with artists who already had credits in his album, such as BLVSH, Sumin, and James Keys. But JK didn’t have anything to do with Jimin’s album. Jimin was fully capable of doing the background vocals of Letter by himself, as he did for the first parts of the song. Jimin never really explained why he decided to have JK in the song, other than saying their voices match. This known fact doesn’t give us much information, but we can have our speculations. 

Closer Than This?

Another thing that questions the idea of “Letter" being inspired by fans, is the existence of “Closer Than This”. The newest release of Jimin is the exact definition of a fan song, the lyrics are straightforward and directly address the fans and leave no place for speculation. If CTT is the result of Jimin getting inspired by his fans, then “Letter” must be inspired by something different because these two songs are not comparable. 

The difference becomes more obvious when we look at the initial version of the Letter lyrics in Jimin’s drafts. I wonder what the Grammy journalist who called the final lyrics of “Letter” intimate would have said if they read this: 

You hugged me tightly Only you who protected me Hold my hand, hold my hand tightly You who reached out my hand You held out your hand to me

We don’t know what was going on in Jimin’s mind when he wrote these, but we can see that the initial lyrics have been moderated, and the intimate parts, which clearly refer to a person, didn’t end up in the final lyrics. FYI, I’m doing a lyric analysis here, and this is not a complaint or conspiracy theory because Jimin said that he liked the way the final version came out, and it's all that matters.

For Fans, Not About Fans

So far we made it clear that "hidden tracks" are not about fans, they are for fans like any other BTS song, but the hidden tracks are a secret between the artist and the fan, something that only the true and dedicated fan can understand, and this applies to Jimin's "Letter".

Jimin gave up on many records for streaming and buying by releasing this song as a hidden track in his album. So, there must be an important message in this song that he wanted to convey to the true fans. He did his share of being thankful to fans by CTT, and I don't think he needed to do it twice in a year.

Maybe you prefer to think Jimin just made this song for ARMY and hid it in the album as a surprise or because it didn’t match with the whole concept of FACE, and you might not be wrong about any of that. But, don’t forget that he didn’t explain anything about this, and we both are just making assumtions.

Yes, maybe Jimin didn't acknowledge JK being a part of Letter in his promotion era, but JK did everything he could for his share. A few hours before the release of FACE, he started a live and played a part of it with his guitar, and months later, he watched Jimin's live performance for Festa while harmonizing with it and reminding us that he knows the lyrics very well. In Jimin's documentary he was very supportive and even teased for a live performance with him in future.

Why Just Jikook?

Jimin and Jungkook are not the only members of BTS. But I don't know why everytime Jimin or JK do something with romantic undertones, the fans (OT7 ARMYs, to be more specific) immediately try to label it as "About ARMY". I usually don't see this energy with the other five members. I'm perfectly sure they are also very grateful for ARMY, they have released several songs about them, and they would have loved to collaborate in a fan song with Jimin, too.

Then why Jimin only included JK in Letter? Why he wanted to sing for "ARMY" with him? Unless we assume Jimin's gratitude towards ARMY has connections with JK, and I don’t even want to bring up 2019 "I am army" jokes. But "Letter" is the song the most optimistic Jikookers didn't expect to exist. You may try to ignore and normalize it, but you can't deny the fact that Letter proved Jikook's unbreakable connection as two harmonic colleages, long time friends, and inseparable souls.

[tgmsunmontue]

Saga of Solitude 15/21

Nepo!Baby Bradley and his life at USNA and afterwards. DADT fully in force. IceMav AU. (Begun prior to 'It's not who you know' - the non-angsty version). (Side Hangster, which is ALSO angsty).

PROLOGUE (He remembers)

HANGSTER FIRST MEETING (Lonely Nights - set 2009)

PREVIOUS CHAPTERS

ONE (2000) TWO (2001) THREE (2002) FOUR (2003) FIVE (2004) SIX (2005) SEVEN (2006) EIGHT (2007) NINE (2008) TEN (2009) ELEVEN (2010) TWELVE (2011) THIRTEEN (2012) FOURTEEN (2013)

CHAPTER FIFTEEN – 2014

                Tom has it narrowed down to three candidates. He’s been chipping away at figuring it out, not making it a top priority, but definitely something he keeps circling back to. The man who he wants to keep a closer eye on, even if it’s been five years he suspects that Bradley hasn’t exactly forgotten him. He had tried gentle probing questions, only to have them deftly avoided. Clever of him, and Tom knows he’s no doubt had practice from when he was younger and serving under DADT as well as protecting Tom and Pete’s own relationship.

                However Bradley hasn’t even told Natasha, because he’d also carefully asked her and she’d simply blinked at him in surprise before shaking her head, saying she didn’t know anything, but that if Bradley had slept with anyone he’d been very discreet, because she heard gossip, and there hasn’t been any about Bradley. Well. Other than him apparently being secretly married to her. Tom doesn’t know why he should even care so much, other than Bradley is his son and he wants to protect him as much as possible, despite the fact that Bradley is now over thirty and more than capable of looking after himself. He has his own house, not that he stays there very often, preferring to be in the center of things and being here in the family home with Tamsin and Petra.

                Except Tamsin and Petra are growing up too, Tamsin in her last semester of high school. She’s been accepted into California-Irvine and he’s so proud but he is also not prepared at all for her to move away. He’s glad she’s decided to stay within state at least, and he knows Bradley likely helped sway her in that decision. Which is why he wants to find some way to ensure Bradley is never held back in anyway. So he’ll keep trying to work out exactly who it is that he still so hooked up on.

…            …            …

                “She’s going to prom,” Pete says again, and he knows he’s maybe belaboring the point, but also he can’t believe that Tamsin is in her last year of high school, is so capable and accomplished and intelligent. Hell, she runs circles around him on the regular and yet he can’t fathom how the little baby girl he held in his arms over seventeen years ago is now taller than him. A fact everyone seems to great joy in pointing out to him, however he can still pick her up and carry her. Her boyfriend hasn’t stopped trying to impress them, and Pete can’t say he likes the young man, and he has tried, thank you very much Bradley.

                “Wish I could have gone to prom with you…” Ice says, stepping in close and wrapping his arms around Pete’s waist. He leans into him, never feels safer than when he’s like this.

                “Yeah? You want to dance with me?”

                “Always…”

                “We pretending we’re at prom?” Pete asks with a grin and Ice smiles, the soft-gentle half smile he uses when he’s feeling particularly sentimental. He feels Ice’s arms tighten around him and there isn’t any music, but then Ice starts humming quietly and his own smile grows wider and he presses a kiss into the side of Ice’s neck. “God I love you…”

                “Love you too. So much Pete… Did you ever think we’d get to have this life?”

                Pete startles a little, surprised at the question.

                “Of course…”

                “Seriously?”

                “You didn’t?”

                “Not in my wildest dreams. Every day I am grateful I get to have… all of this. You. Bradley, The girls. Sarah and Melissa. Hell, even Aubrey is a blessing.”

                “We are very lucky. Want to get luckier?”

                “This was a nice moment…”

                “It’ll be even nicer soon. Let me take you to bed?”

                “Yeah. Please.”

                “Mmm. Begging already. I like it.”

                “Begging you to stop talking. You used to be a man of action, not words…”

                “Pfft. I’ll show you action…”

                “In a bed Mav, come on.”

                They undress with no haste, helping each other, trading kisses and running hands over bare skin as it’s revealed, Ice’s touch on him causing repeated full-body tingles, they always have. He hopes his own touch has the same effect, thinks it does with the way Ice shivers and presses against him, murmurs his name quietly under his breath and kisses at the soft skin just behind his ear. He presses a gentle kiss over the newly healed port scar from Ice’s cancer treatments, suddenly overwhelmed that he too is grateful that he gets to have all this. He’d have been content with just Ice to call his own, but to have his odd little family, to have a son and two daughters who are all turning into these amazing individuals.

                “Pete…” Ice says, voice deep and raspy, the way it gets when he’s just woken up or when he’s getting really turned on. Then there are warm dry fingers wrapping around his cock and he follows Ice down onto the bed, lets his hands find purchase on Ice’s hips as he rocks against him. It’s warm and comforting, and despite wanting everything else to go fast in his life, this, with Ice right now, is something he’s happy to draw out. Knowing they don’t have to rush, not the hard-fast-desperate times that they had in the beginning, terrified of being caught.

                He’s married to this man, it’s on his record and they live together, always come home to the same place. He realizes he didn’t think he’d get to have this, but he had always hoped and dreamed he would. That despite everything he’s damned lucky and he shouldn’t take what they have for granted.

                “You want to fuck me?” Pete asks, straddling Ice’s thighs and grinding his erection in a rocking motion against Ice’s.

                “Yes.”

                He grins then, knows his face is probably scrunched up in happiness but he doesn’t care. They don’t do this very often, it’s more effort than either of them are usually wanting to put in, but sometimes it’s exactly what they both want. He leans back, rolls off the bed and pulls open the bedside table drawer for lube; hears Ice shuffle off to grab towels. He follows, uses the glass on the sink to have two large glasses of water.

                “You planning on working up a sweat?”

                “Yeah… you better be able to keep up.”

                Ice snorts at that, but follows his example and throws back a glass of water, but his eyes stay on him, the light grey-blue shaded darker with arousal and Pete’s cock jerks in anticipation. Ice, being the smug bastard he is, and because he knows him so well smirks, lets one of his hands come to rest on Pete’s flank, fingers digging and rubbing and pulling him close so they can rub together. He’s being moved, Ice using his height and breadth to encourage him back to the bedroom, like he somehow needs convincing.

                “Hi…”

                “Hi. Can we…”

                “Always trying to rush…”

                “Not this. Not with you.”

                “I know.”

                Then he’s on his back, Ice dragging him so his hips are raised on a couple of pillows, which are covered with one of the towels. Ice kisses him, then there’s the slick slide of fingers between his ass cheeks and he reaches blindly for him, needs to touch him so he can feel grounded, know that Ice is there with him. It’s not fast, Ice always takes his time, makes sure now that he’s not going to cause any pain or even discomfit. Pete has learnt that he’s allowed to just lie back and enjoy. The whole preparation aspect is something Ice takes pleasure in, the building anticipation and knowledge he has time, permitted to touch Pete and make him feel good. He does that now, their years together making him an expert in Pete’s body.

                Pete doesn’t often have the patience for this; time shifts and passes in a liquid state, seconds measured in kisses against his skin, minutes in the growing and easing pressure of fingers stretching him. He’s hard and leaking, feels like Ice has been driving him around the edge of a whirlpool for hours and he’s just waiting for them to get sucked down together. He feels Ice’s cock push into him and he lets out a groan, cants his hips to make the press deeper and let’s Ice manhandle him so his legs are around his waist.

                “Ice…”

                “Yeah. I got you Mav…”

…            …            …

                He’s home five weeks early, and they’re managing to pull it off, and god, if he makes her cry and her mascara runs she’s going to kill him. But it’s her prom night and while they’d planned on him arriving during a school assembly to surprise her, they’ve modified it because she’s going to prom alone because her boyfriend is an asshole.

                So.

                Bradley is going to turn up in his dress whites, sweep her off her feet and he’s going to consider himself lucky if Tamsin doesn’t punch him. She’s standing with a group of her friends, nearly all of whom he recognizes, Ice and Mav are failing at hiding behind a pillar, Petra with them and looking bored. A lot of sets of eyes are on him and he can see someone making a signal for the music to be turned down, and that has Tamsin and her group look around and he steps forward, hand out stretched.

                “Can I have this dance?”

                “Bradley!”

                Then he’s being hugged tightly, she looks so grown up and he’s reminded again that parents do this all the time; that he works with some who leave their young kids for months at a time and he’s simply an older brother. He steps back to take in her dress and hair, is pretty sure Mav and Tom probably had collective heart attacks given the split up the side.

                “You look amazing.”

                “I know!” she laughs. “It took hours. I cannot believe that some people do this every day before they leave their homes…”

                There’s applause and he’s got the usual thanks for your service and he nods and smiles his way through it all, because he’s in the service to fly planes because he can’t imagine doing anything else, and if it has the added bonus of serving his country then that’s okay. But he knows what came first for him.

                He dances with Tamsin, can actually dance the more formal and traditional dances but steps away when she starts throwing her hands up to a song he doesn’t recognize. So this is what old age begins to feel like. Ice and Mav have left, and some of Tamsin’s teachers come and introduce themselves, and he finds it a little alarming that one of them is in fact younger than him, the others only a few years older and he hopes his freak out about being his age isn’t showing on his face.

                “You’re actually in the Navy huh?” a man asks, and he thinks this is Tamsin’s English teacher.

                “Yes. These are my actual dress whites. Thought I’d try and make tonight better after her boyfriend decided to dump her.”

                “Ah yes, he’s a bit of a social pariah now. Tamsin is well liked.”

                “Good. She’s awesome.”

                “The words of a completely unbiased bystander, I’m sure,” the guy says with a gentle teasing smile and Bradley turns slightly, thinks he’s being flirted with.

                “Protective and proud older brother instincts aren’t ever going to go away. I’ll be in a rocking chair and I’ll still think she’s awesome.”

                The glint of something intensifies and Bradley raises an eyebrow, licks his lips and doesn’t miss the other man’s eyes flick down to the movement.

                He is never telling Tamsin that he got a blowjob from her English teacher, however he also doesn’t feel like he’s so ancient after all, so he’ll definitely count it as a win.

…            …            …

                Tom isn’t an idiot. When Petra turns sixteen he very politely recuses himself from even being an option to teach her how to drive. He did it with Bradley and Tamsin. Petra is another thing entirely, and he knows Pete has already let her drive his motorbikes up and down the airstrip at the hangar, has no doubt that she’s already done the same with a car. He can only hope that Pete doesn’t make any exceptions around safety. He doesn’t expect he will, he never has with Bradley or Tamsin. It’s only his own body he’s a little reckless with. They both come back super excited, fizzing with more energy than he knows what to with and later when they’re curled up in bed Pete admits he knows what he’s going to get Petra for Christmas. Laps at the nearest racecourse.

                Tom sighs.

…            …            …

                “Hey Bradley?”

                “Yeah Pet?”

                “If you try and pull that prom bullshit on me I will castrate you and make you wish you’d never been born. Got it?”

                Bradley snorts.

                “Yeah. Got it. Is that a no surprises ever, or just big public ones where you might cry?”

                “No public ones. Nice surprises are fine.”

                “Okay. Well I’ll try and keep the big public displays saved up for Tamsin.”

                “Yeah. That sounds good.”

…            …            …

                “I have to look over these promotion recommendations before sending them on to the SECNAV. We’ve got a young aviator who chalked up an air-to-air kill, so he’s being recommended for accelerated promotion to Lieutenant… A Jake Seresin.”

                Tom recognizes the name immediately. Jake Seresin. He remembers having dinner with him, he’d been polite and engaging, flown in a way that made him itch to be in the sky again. He’s also on the very short list of men that are potentially Bradley’s ill-advised hookup that he is adamant about leaving the fuck alone. Tom isn’t so sure, but also he’s got a feeling in his gut that this is him. That Jake Seresin is the young man that Bradley hooked up with. Which makes him worth his attention, but it doesn’t stop him from halting the other man’s career trajectory. He signs the paperwork giving his recommendation for promotion and asks for an invitation to the ceremony.

…            …            …

                “Jake.”

                “Lieutenant Bradshaw.”

                Bradley bites back his immediate retort, because he guesses he deserves that.

                “Congratulations on the promotion.”

                “I’m sorry, are you talking to me now?”

                “Well, we’re currently the same rank so I can’t have the fraternization rules thrown at me as a warning. So yeah, I guess I’m talking to you…” Bradley starts, even knowing that the previous difference in their ranks is a weak excuse for his previous behavior.

                “Yeah well, I’m not listening. Catch you around Bradshaw.”

                Fuck.

                So much for trying to apologize.

SIXTEEN (2015)

[cantcompetewhereudontcompare]

Louis - the Liam Gallagher cosplayer

I said my next project would be Louis as a homophobic bully - with proof. But the hard proof I have is in a hard drive I can't access right now, so I'll leave that for later (but it is coming as soon as I can).

I thought instead I'd tackle a huge thing that's been bothering me, especially in light of the Oasis reunion.

I'm personally a huge fan of Oasis, and everything about Louis regarding Oasis annoys me, but particularly these two things:

He's not an actual fan and never was. Just a casual listener who's marketing himself a certain way to appeal to a certain audience

He's attempting (rather embarrassingly) to be a copy-paste version of Liam Gallagher

I'll divide this into two parts, and this first post will be about point #1, because it'll be too long otherwise.

Anyone who was a fan of One Direction in their early days would know that Louis' Thing, the music he said he enjoyed, was Top 40 radio. He can act like he's an indie rock band enthusiast all he wants, but that's just simply not true. In fact, that was HARRY'S thing throughout his time in the band.

Fans called him a hipster (the whole Frat Harry thing came later, at the time, in 2013, fans said he was a hipster). And Louis LITERALLY mocked him for liking "obscure" bands.

Here, March 13 2013, One Direction's Take Me Home Tour in Dublin. They read Twitter questions and answered them on stage. The question was "What's the number one song played on your iPod?" and Louis introduces the question to Harry with "Harry, got any indie bands we haven't heard of?"

Here's the video. The question is at 2:06, first he talks to Zayn, then Niall, then at 2:36 to Harry.

This isn't a one-time incident, but it's one I distinctly remember (because I went to multiple shows of that tour and followed it closely!) and can physically point out. It happened multiple times. It was a Thing Louis mocked him about constantly. Keep in mind, Louis was 21 when this happened, a fully developed grown adult who had been in the industry for three years and was a professional musician.

Why do I say this? Does it bother me that he mocked Harry? No, that's just banter lmao. But what bothers me is that a few years later, he would rebrand as someone who enjoyed indie music, as an indie musician himself, who enjoyed and propped up unknown bands. And his fans would act like Harry was the popstar who made and enjoyed shallow music and Louis was a rock connoisseur all along.

At 21 Louis... distinctly wasn't that person - he also wasn't that person at 22, or 23, or 24, he started being that person in 2017, when he decided to craft his entire persona around being a Donny chav who gave you a two-finger salute and wore trackies to red carpet events.

Louis didn't even try to act like his musical style was indie rock back then. in the early 2010s there was a type of social media called Ping where you could log in songs that you liked. It was connected to your Twitter account and your iTunes account. Because in late 2012 (Louis was almost 21, might I add), it was about to shut down, a fan (a Larrie) documented the whole thing in screenshots. Here's the post. Of course they make everything about their conspiracy, but the account was legit (connected to his verified Twitter account) and the post made the rounds on normal Tumblr, so I remember seeing it at the time and saving it because it was interesting.

Some of the songs that he added to his Ping:

Thinking of You, Part of Me, Wide Awake, and the entire Teenage Dream album by Katy Perry

Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars

Look After You by The Fray

Someone Like You by Adele

Far Away by Nickelback (he got this as a tattoo lol)

Who Knew by Pink

Bedshaped by Keane

I'm With You Avril Lavigne

Take Care by Drake

Yellow, Shiver, Talk, Fix You by Coldplay

Moves Like Jagger and Payphone by Maroon 5

It Girl by Jason Derulo

Without You by David Guetta & Usher

Love Story and We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together by Taylor Swift

Domino by Jessie J

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt

Titanium by Sia and David Guetta

Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

Turn Up The Music by Chris Brown

Let's Go by Calvin Harris

Mr. Brightside and Somebody Told Me by The Killers

We Are Young by Fun.

Stop And Stare by OneRepublic

She Moves In Her Own Way by The Kooks

Basket Case and Wake Me Up When September Ends by Green Day

Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

I Miss You by Blink 182

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous by Good Charlotte

Bright Lights (the album) by Ellie Goulding

Believe (the album) by Justin Bieber

Naive by Lily Allen

Imagine by John Lennon

How We Do (Party) by Rita Ora

All of these songs are heavy rotation radio hits. I'm not sure how many people will see this post, if any, but if it happens upon any young Gen Z or Gen Alpha eyes, who happen to not know some of these, they're literally just... the most played songs on the radio at the time, and Imagine by John Lennon (which was the only song older than 2000 in his entire Ping).

The only bands he has on this entire log, are Two Door Cinema Club, who you might say "oh wait, that's indie isn't it?" except they reached #2 in the UK albums chart in 2012, when this log happened. Literally following trends once again. Same thing goes for Owl City, it's a somewhat indie project, but they had a big hit (certified Diamond and hit #1 in the UK and the US), Louis logged in the project immediately after this song made it big. A bunch of John Mayer songs, who in 2012 was hyper-mainstream. Or the #1 album Coexist by The XX. And songs from the #1 album in the UK Contrast, by Conor Maynard. That plus the incredibly mainstream hits by some more rockish bands (I'm surprised he didn't log in American Idiot by Green Day) and pop. That's it.

What about Oasis? It's there.

Stop The Clocks - a greatest hits record.

Stop Crying Your Heart out - literally the #3 most popular song of theirs on Spotify

Little By Little - a huge hit off one of their latest albums (33 million YouTube Views, 85 million Spotify plays)

I'm sure he enjoyed himself some Oasis. He was a British boy growing up in the late 90s and early 2000s. It'd be weird if he didn't. But he never talked about going to see them growing up (he was 16 when they played in England for the last time). He logged in just one album, and it was a greatest hits. He logged in two songs, and they were both huge hits. He logged in a ton of songs by Coldplay, or Katy Perry. Hell, he has more songs logged in for DRAKE than Oasis.

It's obviously not definite proof, but he had that Ping account for two years, and all his iTunes purchases or likes showed up. I also don't remember him mentioning them in any particular way throughout his time in the band. Nor him mentioning going to see them. Or wearing their merch. Or...

Despite both Liam and Noel having a Twitter account as far back as 2009/2010, Louis didn't follow either of them until 2017

So that in and of itself is bizarre for someone who in 2017 would give a million different interviews specifically mentioning Oasis and Liam Gallagher, right?

But the most egregious part of his pretend act, is that he's just flat out wrong about Oasis in and of itself.

First of all, in every single interview he mentions Oasis, he singles out Liam Gallagher. You can look it up, because frankly, there's so many interviews where he does this that I could probably be here forever. He talks about Liam Gallagher so much it's almost obnoxious (and we'll get on to that in part 2), but he almost never talks about Noel. Who he mentions is Liam. Even though he says Oasis was a huge part of his inspiration as an artist, who he mentions is Liam. And this is in the context of Oasis, as a band who inspired him growing up, not Liam Gallagher as a solo artist. OASIS. Liam.

To the uninitiated on Oasis, Liam is my favorite because he's great. He's funny, he's charming, he has a distinct voice that makes Oasis stand out. He's a mean tambourine player. But to name Liam as your inspiration when you admire Oasis, as a musician, is akin to doing that with Ringo and The Beatles.

Just so we're clear, this is the writing credits for their debut album:

Their second album

Third album

Shall I go on?

Liam doesn't play instruments, except the maracas or the aforementioned tambourine. Noel:

Just:

You have to actively ignore everything about the band to pretend that your inspiration, musically, as a musician, is LIAM GALLAGHER if you actively like Oasis. What the hell are we talking about?

To be clear, Louis didn't say in these interviews that he admired Liam's vocals (which he could never in a million years imitate, and I beg him not to try), or attitude, or charisma, or fucking tambourine expertise. He talked about lyrics, and music, and songwriting. And yet, he never mentioned Noel Gallagher. IN THE CONTEXT OF TALKING ABOUT OASIS.

Listen, I fucking hate Noel Gallagher. He's a c*nt. But I happen to like Oasis, and I know, despite how much I despise him, that Oasis wouldn't exist without him.

So why did Louis mention Liam??? Well, two main reasons.

His fans don't give a fuck. They don't care about his musical opinions because they're not fans of his music or him as a musician. It's why they don't listen to it. They're fans of his status as a purported underdog or the conspiracy theories surrounding him, or rate him as a part of the band they once liked. Some of them pity follow him. He could say his musical inspiration is Miley Cyrus because of how well she plays banjo and it'd make absolutely no difference for them. Also, most of them are musically illiterate and would find a way to justify anything he says, despite being completely nonsensical, if they even listen to him in the first place.

Because of #1, Louis has been on a quest to capture a specific type of audience. He tried to capture the 1D audience with Just Hold On and Back To You (which are songs that are actually up his alley in terms of the music he consumed). But despite being his best commercially performing songs, they failed to actually and significantly move the needle. And he saw the writing on the wall even in the middle of promo for Back To You. Which is why he gave up trying to be commercially successful with that crowd and has been relentlessly trying to shift his audience.

It's why he wears sweatpants and sneakers everywhere, why he called himself a chav in 2017/2018, why the horrible haircuts, why the constant smoking and drinking in promo pics, why the pivot to "actually, I'm a die hard indie enthusiast" even though four years prior he mocked his bandmate for that exact musical taste. It's why he markets his own music as indie, rock, etc, even though it's decidedly not. It's why he does the photoshoots he does, hires the people he hires, and has the bands he has in his narcissistic "festival."

It's put-up on. I suspect it's partially borne out of deep insecurity and wanting to appeal to the type of guy he went to school with. I think his mates, despite enjoying the wealth of 1D's success, took the piss out of him for being in a boyband. This is pure speculation, but we're talking about the guys who openly retweet Andrew Tate (Nizam Kabir), or mocked his singing voice in his ex girlfriend's posts...

Let's actually expand on that, Hannah Walker, Louis' ex girlfriend, uploaded a video to her instagram account singing with a sore throat. It was captioned "sore throat singing" and this is what one of his "best friends" from childhood, Calvin Rodgers, commented on it:

This wasn't some gentle banter either, this was around a point in time where Calvin and Louis weren't hanging out (2013/2014). I actually saw Hannah's post and the comments a few years ago, but her account has gone private since.

"Calvin (unprompted) In theory, the singing wasn't AS flat as Louis" another friend (Dan Woollet) replies "Fair point" to which Calvin replies "Not only fair, but true." Hannah replies "controversial."

Louis cheated on Hannah with Eleanor (I can do a deep dive on that later), and at first Hannah didn't know, so she and Louis were on good terms, but she has been openly very negative about Louis ever since late 2011.

Calvin is also a musician, by the way. His comment was fair and true. Louis' singing IS flat. I doubt he'd say that to his face when he's on good terms with him, especially because he greatly benefits from Louis' money and status (his friends have mooched everything from access to events, to paid vacations on yachts by being with him, to outright jobs). But from things Louis has said in interviews, such as "I don't have a skincare routine because my friends would make fun of me" or "if I showed up wearing designer clothes my friends would never let me hear the end of it," it does seem like he has this need to fit in and seek approval from these idiots. I'll never understand it, and I'm not going to try and psychoanalyze him (and he doesn't wanna do therapy because he's too good for therapy anyway), but I think he wouldn't be seeking this audience otherwise.

His attempts have clearly failed. His music is consumed less and less. He's at 2.4 million monthly listeners on Spotify. Just so we're clear, Spotify has a chart of the most monthly listeners per artist, where they chart the first 500 artists from 1 to 500. #1 currently is The Weeknd with 107M. #2 is Billie Eilish. Harry is #53 without having released music in 2 and a half years (which is amazing).

The #500 is Lynyrd Skynyrd with 16,147,684 monthly listeners. Louis would have to gain 14 MILLION monthly listeners to be at the bottom of the list. That is SEVEN TIMES the total amount he has right now. That's how bad it is.

His fans don't listen to his music. They're just incredibly annoying online because their idea of stanning him or being his fan is Twitter, and TikTok, and some of them on Tumblr and never shutting up despite having zero actual arguments to back anything up (which is why I'm venting on this blog, and potentially giving Harries tools to shut these idiots up because I know how annoying they are).

I think he's still trying to market himself this way because deep down he still wants the acceptance of his high school buddies and other men like them, and his idea of cool is (deluding himself into believing to) have a career that his buddies would actually respect (as opposed to 1D).

To close off this part of the post, I'll leave with the worst part. How do I know he's not and was never a fan of Oasis? How do I know that he's lying when he says they were his inspiration as an artist?

Well, this:

He said variations of this multiple times in multiple interviews. He bashed metaphors a ton, for instance:

“[So how you classify your genre?] Oh, that’s a big question. Wow, that’s hard. In terms of what I’m looking for from a production point of view, I want things to sound organic and live. Not too many programmed instruments. I want it to feel authentic. From a lyric perspective, almost like indie-pop, very conversational. All these sexy metaphors people put in their music? I ain’t got time for that. I like it straight to the point. It’s hard to classify it as a particular genre.”

Source.

Here's another he gave for MTV:

Though "Back to You" is certifiably pop, Tomlinson grew up loving guitar-based rock bands, he said, and that when it came time to sit down and create solo music of his own, he found inspiration in the acts from his youth: mainly Oasis and Arctic Monkeys, both from Northern England (like Tomlinson). "The way that they write I've always found very interesting because, you know, if you look at a pop song fundamentally, lyrically it's very different to the conversational style that Arctic Monkeys or Oasis might use, and that's exciting to me," Tomlinson said.

All I can say is.. What the actual fuck is he talking about?

Obviously I have a lot more that I can say. But. WHAT?

Let's ignore Arctic Monkeys, because yes, I would absolutely call "honest and to the point" early Arctic Monkeys. Honest meh, because early AM was so conversational and so casual and about such mundane things that honesty wasn't really a factor, but whatever. It was incredibly to the point. BUT OASIS? OASIS??? Honest and to the point? OASIS?? OASIS??

Just so we're clear, the most mainstream song Oasis has ever released is Wonderwall. Everyone knows that song, correct? What the fuck is a wonderwall? That is not A WORD.

The word "wonderwall" came from a George Harrison album. And the lyrics have absolutely nothing to do with it. The song itself is a "Hollywood-esque song" that talks about "some unfathomable crazy love story."

The entire premise of wonderwall is that one person who's always there for you, but told in an abstract metaphorical way. That is by definition the opposite of what Louis said he wanted and liked.

In fact, Oasis FAMOUSLY worship the ground The Beatles walk on. Hell, Liam named his kid fucking LENNON. One of the most known facts about The Beatles was the amount of fucking NONSENSE they wrote in their lyrics. I Am The Walrus?! Like, this is music 101. Louis you are supposed to be a musician (yet play no instruments).

The second most mainstream song by Oasis is Champagne Supernova.

This is a verse from that song:

Wake up the dawn and ask her why A dreamer dreams she never dies Wipe that tear away now from your eye Slowly walking down the hall Faster than a cannonball Where were you while we were gettin' high?

Exactly what part of this is honest and to the point? I thought he hated metaphors?

Remember the songs he Pinged? Let's see those lyrics.

Little By Little

'Cause little by little We gave you everything you ever dreamed of Little by little The wheels of your life have slowly fallen off Little by little You have to give it all in all your life And all the time I just asked myself why, you really here?

I'm gonna go insane. What the fuck did he mean by "honest and to the point" immediately after saying the word "Oasis"? Is he OKAY? Is he having a stroke and smelling colors? How else can he describe this as "honest and to the point"?

The other song was Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Hold up Hold on Don't be scared You'll never change what's been and gone May your smile (May your smile) Shine on (Shine on) Don't be scared (Don't be scared) Your destiny may keep you warm

I'm swimming in directness and honesty here, you guys. I can't believe how to the point these lyrics are! Metaphors? Never knew 'em! Soooo conversational!

But maybe I'm cherry picking songs, and the rest of Oasis' discography actually fits what Louis said, right? RIGHT?!

Let's look at Stop The Clocks, the Greatest Hits album Louis pinged back in 2012. Literally the first verse of the songs in order. Just so we're very clear.

Rock 'N Roll Star

I live my life for the stars that shine People say, "It's just a waste of time" Then they said, "I should feed my head" That to me was just a day in bed I'll take my car and drive real far They're not concerned about the way we are In my mind my dreams are real Now you concerned about the way I feel Tonight I'm a rock 'n' roll star

Some Might Say

Some might say that sunshine follows thunder Go and tell it to the man who cannot shine Some might say that we should never ponder On our thoughts today' cause they hold sway over time

Talk Tonight

Sittin' on my own, chewin' on a bone A thousand million miles from home When something hit me Somewhere right between the eyes Sleepin' on a plane, you know you can't complain You took your last chance once again I landed, stranded Hardly even knew your name

Lyla

Calling all the stars to fall And catch the silver sunlight in your hands Come for me and set me free Lift me up and take me where I stand She believes in everything And everyone and you and yours and mine I waited for a thousand years For you to come and blow me out my mind

The Importance of Being Idle

I sold my soul for the second time 'Cause the man don't pay me I begged my landlord for some more time He said, "Son, the bills are waiting" My best friend called me the other night He said, "Man, are you crazy?" My girlfriend told me to get a life She said, "Boy, you lazy"

Seriously I wanna sit down and ask this man what the hell he was talking about. How can he, with a straight face, say that LIAM GALLAGHER was his musical inspiration growing up because of the lyrics of OASIS, and how straight and to the point, devoid of metaphors, they were. It's the most nonsensical talking point I've ever heard. If he was even remotely relevant the way people would've laughed their head off at him saying this would´ve been diabolical.

He said Oasis and Arctic Monkeys because they fit the persona he wanted to build (even geographically).

There are SO many actual indie bands from up north who write the type of lyrics he claims he likes, but he's too lazy to actually do research into this put-upon image he chose for himself (I hardly think a competent group of people was behind any of it).

He changed his hair, his facial hair, his clothing style, the way he talks, walks, the words he says, how he stands in front of a microphone, his facial expressions, the aesthetic surrounding him, even the people and teams he hired for his career, to cosplay Liam Gallagher. This isn't a case of inspiration. Inspiration is normal. It happens in art every single day. Everything we do is an amalgamation of stuff others have done before. Everything is invented. I want to make it very clear that I don't find any of that problematic in any way.

But Louis is an inch away from wearing the skin of Liam Gallagher as a winter coat. I'll actually dive deep into that in a second part of this post, because it really does go SO deep.

And I sincerely doubt he likes him or his music all that much. He just likes the idea of people viewing him like they view Liam and the "respect" he would get from men.

[liminalhumanoid]

Anti-endos, don’t interact. Just block & keep scrolling.

Endo-friendly folks, hi! I’m new(ish) here and have some questions! Kind of a big post though so you’ve been warned lol.

I’m still somewhat new to viewing my internal experiences through a plural lens (or at least a plural-open-minded one) and I have some questions but don’t really have anyone to ask other than my boyfriend (who is also plural), but I feel awkward talking to him about it, at least for now. So, I’m writing here.

Like I said, I’m still in the early stages of feeling things out from this perspective and I’m approaching everything with gentle skepticism. If I had to label myself, I feel like mixed-origin median system sums it up pretty well. Anyway, the questions! Feel free to answer or give suggestions, but of course you’re not obligated to do so if you don’t want! <3

How common is it to struggle telling who/what is a headmate? Some specific emotions and sensations feel closely tied to some distinct version of myself separate from the usual “me” if that makes sense. This also applies to specific ways of speaking/thinking, which I usually dismiss as just bouts of the urge to improv or be dramatic but now that I think about it, it’s more like the emotions thing, just easier to cover up.

Do headmates sometimes front while dreaming? I only just considered this recently because of one of those specific emotions I mentioned in the previous paragraph being felt in a dream. That specific emotion hadn’t been felt in a very long time.

To what degree do folks experience depersonalization, derealization, and/or identity confusion (esp. the first two since I’d consider the latter tied to the first question)? It’s been almost constant for me since around 2013, worsening with anxiety & migraines and really worsening with panic attacks & tiredness, and very rarely easing up. I try to ignore it but it’s difficult sometimes. I know it’s not a plural exclusive thing but I’m curious.

I’ve heard that younger systems tend to have higher headmate counts than older ones. Is this true? I know there’s more people in here than the ones whose names I know or have given nicknames, but like. I’m 27 (as of today actually lol). This ties into my first question.

Do some systems have headmates that don’t have or want names, or that don’t have much (if any) interest in fronting or otherwise interacting with the host or greater systrm in the usual headmate ways? There’s a group of individuals here, and while some have cofronted or been co-conscious (to my knowledge I [host] haven’t ever fully “swapped out”), others in the group haven’t and seem to be disinterested in such things and stick with their group.

Are there different types of plural-related amnesia other than the kind where you don’t remember anything at all? What are those like? That I’m aware of, I haven’t ever had an episode where I lost time & had zero idea what I was doing for a period of time. However my memory is often spotty, which I know isn’t exclusive of systems but I’m curious about some of y’all’s experiences if you don’t mind sharing.

Hopefully those made sense, I’m sleep deprived and at work at the moment so if something reads weird, just ask me to clarify. Thank you in advance if anyone reads this & responds! ^^

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Happy Festa BPP! Is this something ppl do? Wish Festa like holiday? Ta! Happy Festa anyway!!

Don't know if you've said this before but how did you become army?

***

Hi Anon,

Honestly, no. I don't think wishing people Happy Festa is a thing within ARMY... People reminisce and all that but actually sending wishes, not really. But it's a nice gesture so I appreciate you sharing that festive energy with me.

All the Festas are sweet but something about a 10-year anniversary evokes strong memories. It's been a wild ride.

I've talked about how I became ARMY many times, but I can give an abridged version here.

I watched BTS's debut showcase No More Dream for the first time, some time in August 2013 but I don't remember which day exactly. I had heard about BTS by that point, (a lot of people had, which was unusual for a group from a small company and further shows how strong an impression they made at debut), but I didn't get around to actually watching their stuff till August.

I felt they were strong performers but had no other real opinion about them, and kinda forgot about them for a year, till their Dark & Wild comeback in August 2014.

After that album comeback, I consistently kept up with BTS but didn't really think of myself as a fan. The way I engaged with k-pop was to check out several groups I was interested in, sometimes go to their comeback shows if I was in Korea, attend KCON concerts, read Korean forums, etc. Like a fan of many groups but a stan of none, if that makes sense. So, I sort of watched BTS from the sidelines in 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, and 2018. Throughout this time, I realized I loved every new musical output from them more than the previous one. It was clear they were improving not just their songwriting, production, exploring more genres, etc, but that they had a very distinct voice - a consistent message in their storytelling that seemed to come from their own lived experiences, for all seven members. Executed at the highest level. And that was something I had never, ever seen in k-pop or anywhere else really.

Of course, during this time, their fame, fortune, and success multiplied as well. And the latent animosity I'd observed since debut towards BTS from the wider k-pop fandom, just became more overt the more BTS became successful. That mess with EXO fans and the Blue House was particularly disgusting and soured my opinion on most fans of SM groups and the wider k-pop fandom. But by 2018, when it was clear BTS's rise was definitely stratospheric and already beyond the realm of k-pop, the gloves were off. The hostility became extremely blatant to the point k-pop stans were working with real life neo-nazis to physically assault Japanese ARMYs who were attending a concert, they were spam calling Japanese newspapers and Jewish foundations in America to put out a statement condemning BTS, and asking for the American government to blacklist BTS.

It was bonkers.

Sulli had ended her life just before the hate campaign against BTS hit a fever pitch in Fall 2018. I liked her a lot and her death shifted something in me - it made me re-evaluate my distanced, detached almost apathetic approach to k-pop beyond the music, especially regarding hate campaigns from k-pop stans that used to run completely unchecked and only escalated and became more sophisticated especially when the target was someone who broke against the norm. So, I linked up with some J-ARMY friends and we spent a weekend coordinating with local Japanese police to track down some k-pop stans working with neo nazis to assault BTS and ARMYs, and by the end of November 2018, I was calling myself an ARMY.

Nothing has really changed since then compared to how I was a fan of BTS before. Except that now, I buy their albums more consistently (it was kinda more sporadic / spontaneous before). I've never been a collector so I don't really care about PCs and what not. I educated myself on charts and fandom norms, and started watching more of their non-music content. I was already very familiar with their personalities and interpersonal quirks (jikook has stood out to me since 2015, yoonmin, namgi, namseok, and sope since 2014, and taekook since 2016 or so), but since 2018 I've found myself enjoying more of their auxiliary content though it's still not something I seek out (I still haven't watched SOOP 2 for example, lol).

Most of my friendships with fans of other k-pop groups I've maintained till now, and I still check out almost every new release in the industry when I have the time, and becoming a fan of BTS has been wonderful.

The ARMY community gets a lot of flack, like all big fandoms do, but there's a real community of genuine and smart people here that I appreciate. BTS has never disappointed me - and I had to really think before writing down that sentence. This industry is harsh, cruel. BTS had to navigate channels no k-pop group or Korean artist has had to before, they've single-handedly elevated an entire industry into the social consciousness of the wider world, and are still holding on to their relentless drive and sense of wonder.

These seven men are remarkable. They're some of the hardest workers I've ever seen. Fully dedicated to their craft and their team, artists and performers in every sense of the word. I thoroughly enjoy being a fan of the music they make, and supporting their growth as artists and people.

Happy Festa everyone! I'm treating myself to Taro ice cream topped with pistachio nuts today to celebrate. Maybe we should make this some kind of holiday lol.

[miidia]

Hi Tumblr. It has been a hot minute. I've missed you a lot. I spend more time on Pinterest and Tik Tok these days... things have changed quite a bit.

Anyway, this is my first attempt at starting a blog. I have chosen the temporary title of 'miidia' as a pun/portmanteau of Mii and media. Do ya get it? 'Cause it's me (mii, à la Nintendo Wii) and the media that has made, is making, and continues to make me. Pretty easy concept, right?

Let's start with an easy one. Here's an album I come back to for a few months each year like clockwork. The place where it all began, folks. Kero Kero Bonito's first 2013 mixtape, Intro Bonito. What a masterpiece. This isn't an album review; I'm just here to appreciate. Where to even begin... I've been to two KKB concerts. At my first, I got a trucker hat and a t-shirt. I have both to this day.

I digress; so many of the tracks on this album are so iconic, it's hard to pick the standouts. "My Party" is intensely difficult to leave out of this discussion. I'm having a party / Everyone can come. What's not to like? Cake and jelly and ice cream / Enough for everyone. I'm drooling. Seriously. In my mind, this is a children's birthday party. Bright colors, sweet treats, silly music... What's noticeably absent? Drugs, alcohol, the escape from stress for which a party is supposedly for... Why is it that kids seem to have more fun at their parties than we do as adults? Don't we better understand the value of recreation and free time with how stressful our lives are? One day, I am going to have the adult version of this birthday party. Vanilla and chocolate cakes with rainbow sprinkles and cute frosting messages. Rainbow decorations, table cloths, silly treats, silly music... silliness all around.

The afterglow is inevitable. On "I'd Rather Sleep", KKB hits a nerve. The tempo and instrumentals are fun, whimsical, silly... everything our party should be. The lyrics are a bit different. KKB has had a few tracks from their earlier days go viral on Tik Tok as sounds far after their release. This is one such track. It was dutifully coopted by the 'liminal space' and 'backrooms' edit community, conjuring themes of dissociation, obsession with nostalgia and adolescence, and an all around bizarre dream state. This is a disquieting yet pleasant place.

Intro Bonito is a very spacial album. It feels like a structure to be explored, climbed, discovered, lost, and re-discovered.

I have more to say, as I always will, but I think this is a enough for now. A good starting place, I guess.

Until next time,

Goose

[janewaypiamber]

My Answers:

1. Share a song that makes you think of [Dreams].

I have a hidden in plain sight writing Spotify playlist.

2. Do you read/reread your own fics?

I haven't written enough to look back on my fics but my WIP's I look back on frequently to make sure my storys plot flows smoothly.

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

If I where to choose between the 3 fics that are published I'd choose "Dreams". If I where to include WIP's I'd say a fic I am currently working on based on the song "As It Was" by Harry Styles about Harry Kim and him coping with life post-endgame.

4. How many WIPs do you have right now?

I have one posted "Dreams" on AO3 and Fanfiction.net. It is technically a work in progress. I plan for it to be around 120,000 words. Right now I have about 23,000 completed. I have 3 more that are on the brain storming step and haven't had much written or posted yet. Keep an eye out for it *wink* 😉.

My WIP's:

1) Year of Hell J/C fic

2) Kathryn Janeway's No Good Very Bad Day

3) Song Fic Harry Kim & Tom Paris friendship based on the song "As It Was" by Harry Styles.

5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write?

There was a post on Tumblr talking about Tom Paris playing a Holodeck version of grand theft auto and having Harry Kim join him. I'm not writing it because I have no idea how to write that. If I where to write it it would be with the help from my brothers. They play GTA and would be a good source but they need to watch Voyager.

6. Are there any fics from others you reread all the time?

I have so many but will link it here:

1) The Way the Wind Blows by Shonetta on Ff.net

Chakotay meets a young Janeway from the past.

2) The Absence of Light by northernexposure

(J/C fic) Janeway and Chakotay are captured by an unknown species and are held in a cold and pitch dark cell.

3) 2013 by PCBW

(J/C fic) Janeway and Chakotay are thrown back in time to the year 2013 and try to find a way back to Voyager

7. How many ideas for fics do you have right now?

So many but I have about 24.

8. What project(s) are you currently working on?

I am currently working on drafting a Song Fic that I will make a series. The first ff will be a hurt/comfort fic Harry & Paris centered. It's based off the song "As It Was" by Harry Styles. Harry Kim has had a hard time adjusting to life back on earth and has been falling into a depressive episode. Tom with alittle help from B'elanna have a heart to heart with Harry.

9. Do you write every day? If you wrote today, share a sentence of what you’ve written!

I used to write everyday November 2022 to March 2023 but I haven't written since. I am moving 1,500 miles and I am preparing for that. Doesn't mean I am not writing stuff in my head. It's not on paper yet.

10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

My Fic "Wouldn't it be Loverly?". Is set in Resolutions on New Earth and Kathryn Janeway sings a song from the play and movie "My Fair Lady". I didn't expect for it to do well. I wrote it because I wanted it to exist for me. I planned it and wrote it all in one day and I have gotten a lot of good feedback.

11. Do you have specific playlists for writing fics?

I do! I have a playlist for almost every character of Voyager. I made it myself besides Harry Kim's. When I made the playlist it helped me get into the mindset of the character and ship.

Enjoy 🤗:

⚠️B'elanna Torres playlist coming soon.⚠️

⚠️Seven of Nine Playlist in the works⚠️

⚠️The Doctor / EMH playlist in construction ⚠️

12. Do you have a playlist for your current WIP(s)? Share it!

Refer to questions 1 and 11.

13. How much planning do you do before writing?

Do I plan on paper? No. I mainly plan my writing while I go about my day. I get certain strikes of inspiration and note it down in my Google keep app. I plan a lot before writing. I have the main idea, plot, and some small idea I want included. I don't always have an ending in mind which is why I am building a plethora of WIP's.

14. If you could see one of your fics adapted into a visual medium, such as comic or film, which fan fic would you pick?

I don't have one yet. I haven't written many fics yet but I'm sure this answer will change over time. But if I were to have someone else's fic adapted I would have @bizships fic "Timeless Moments" and Shonetta's fic "Way the Wind Blows" (Link in question 6).

15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters?

I sometimes use song titles or try to summarize the chapter as much as possible in a few words. It's controlled chaos really...

16. At what point in the process do you come up with titles?

I come up with titles almost immediately with some WIP's and with others it takes quite awhile. I make a list and try it out as the title of my Google doc. I then settle on one.

17. What’s something you’ve learned about while doing research for a fic?

I learned so much about Native American culture, religion, and language writing my fic "Dreams". I was writing Chakotay having a vision of his father Kolopak. I wanted Chakotay to have a childhood nickname so I chose the word my son in the Mayan language.

19. Give us a small teaser from one of your WIPs.

My WIP (mentioned in question 4 as WIP number 1) currently titled "Putting Pen to Paper". A super rough draft enjoy:

As Kathryn Janeway moved forward she felt a hard thump on her boot as she stepped forward. It was Chakotay's journal. She picked it up and blew the dust off it, revealing the gold leaf details on the forest green hard cover, arranged in a vine pattern. She picked it up and continued forward, hoping Neelix wouldn't see the importance that was contained within this small books pages. She opened her tricorder once more and started to scan. It immediately beeped, detecting silver. She moved some pieces of debris and uncovered her pocket watch.

After observing the vast damages on the ship all Janeway wanted was to talk to her first officer about the crew's next steps. She missed her sounding board. Her confidant. She sighed as she cleared a pile of rubble off her couch. Would Voyager make it through this hopeless bombardment. Would she or the crew get home? Was this the end of the road and they had to settle on another planet?

Her pondering was put to an end as her eyes difted around the room and stopping on a green book sitting on the table. She picked up the book and caressed the cover once more. Feeling as if Chakotay was with her now she opened to the first page seeing the words written in Chakotay's hand writing.

Dear Sakaya,

I am writing this to you to document my time in the Delta Quadrant. I hope that you will never get to read this and that I can tell you it all in person when I am back but hopefully this will bring me some peace in my life. It has been about 2 months since my ship was captured by an alien who calls himself the caretaker. My ship isn't the only one to be taken from the badlands. A federation ship that was sent by starfleet to capture us was also taken by the caretaker. The captain of the Federation ship Voyager is taken by a crew of 50 to join hers. There was alot of talk amongst the crew of whether or not the crew should be a federation ship or maquis but I decided to stick to the federation ideals and fall in line. I did so because it was in my crews best interest to navigate home if we had the structure of federation guidelines as opposed to the near lawlessness of the maquis. The maquis way worked during battle and not when that battle was over 70,000 lightyears away. Sister, I know I never visited you and your family before I left starfleet. Just know I miss you and regret that decision. I miss you and (name of husband) I hope my nephew grows big and strong and learns of our people. I hope to fill this book so that when I get home this can be placed in history. I would enter this into the computer or dictate by voice but there's a relationship we all have by putting pen to paper.

20. What’s a favorite title for a fic you’ve written?

I don't have one yet. I only posted 3 fics so far but I'm excited to continue to write "Dreams". I love the idea for the song fic "As it was". Right now I feel as if my fics are my children and I can't pick a favorite.

21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why?

Yes, it's the worst! While writing for "Dreams" I had a lot of episodes I wanted to cover but it didn't really fit the plot or shifted it to another place or added too much darkness to it. I plan to release them as a series of outakes. I want to see these enjoyed by others.

22. Do you know how your fic will end before you start writing?

With my fic "Dreams" I have an idea of where its headed bit not exactly how it's going to end. Not having an ending for me causes writers block to form and that's why the fic is on hiatus. My 3 WIP's will have an ending planned before I post them.

23. How do you choose where to end a chapter (if you have multi-chapter works)?

I have only written one multi-chapter fic and I choose to end it when I hit about 5,000-7,000 words. This is because I want my audience to have bite sized and digestible peices. I don't want to over whelm them.

25. Have you ever upset yourself with your own writing?

Yes, I started crying while writing the beginning portion of Chakotay meeting with his father again in my fic "Dreams". It hit really close to home for me.

26. Is there something you’ve written that you would never want your family to see?

Honestly, I don't want my family to see most of my romantic scenes. Im really self conscious about it I have no clue why.

27. Is there a fic you were nervous to post/share? Why?

Yes. It is a dabble based on a Tumblr post set of gifs. It hasn't gained mich traction and was written in one day. I was hesitant to post it.

28. Have you ever tagged a fic “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat”?

No and I haven't read one. 😳 (But I am not one to judge others tastes in ff).

29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.)

I have a whole series that I will be posting outtakes from my Fanfic "Dreams".

I’m Bored and Anxious So I Slapped Together a List of Fan Fic Writer Asks

1. Share a song that makes you think of [fic title] 2. Do you read/reread your own fics? 3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written? 4. How many WIPs do you have right now? 5. What’s a fic idea you’ve had that you will never write? 6. Are there any fics from others you reread all the time? 7. How many ideas for fics do you have right now? 8. What project(s) are you currently working on? 9. Do you write every day? If you wrote today, share a sentence of what you’ve written! 10. Is there a fic that got a different response than you were expecting? 11. Do you have specific playlists for writing fics? 12. Do you have a playlist for your current WIP(s)? Share it! 13. How much planning do you do before writing? 14. If you could see one of your fics adapted into a visual medium, such as comic or film, which fan fic would you pick? 15. How do you come up with titles for your fics/chapters? 16. At what point in the process do you come up with titles? 17. What’s something you’ve learned about while doing research for a fic? 18. What’s one of your favorite lines you’ve written in a fic? 19. Give us a small teaser from one of your WIPs. 20. What’s a favorite title for a fic you’ve written? 21. Have you ever deleted an entire scene after spending hours laboring over it? If so, why? 22. Do you know how your fic will end before you start writing? 23. How do you choose where to end a chapter (if you have multi-chapter works)? 24. Share a moodboard for (one of) your current WIP(s). 25. Have you ever upset yourself with your own writing? 26. Is there something you’ve written that you would never want your family to see? 27. Is there a fic you were nervous to post/share? Why? 28. Have you ever tagged a fic “Dead Dove: Do Not Eat”? 29. Share a bit from a fic you’ll never post OR from a scene that was cut from an already posted fic. (If you don’t have either, just share a random fic idea you have that you don’t plan on getting to.) 30. Ask anything!

[faraboveblog]

I'm Going, Going, Back, Back, to College, College!

I've lived in Atlanta, Georgia for nearly 18 years. When I tell people I am from Staten Island, New York, I get asked the same question, "What brought you all the way down here?" and my answer is always "Clark Atlanta University." What made me choose CAU? I grew up watching a show called, "A Different World," that inspired me to attend an HBCU (Historically Black College/University). CAU was the only school I applied to. I had not heard of it until one of the seniors at my high school shared how sad she was that she was accepted to Clark Atlanta, but her mother said it was too far away. I did my research and took a chance on the one University that seemed to be the perfect fit for me, and I was accepted. I arrived on campus in January of 2007. Life at an HBCU was an amazing experience. I majored in Business Administration and was active in campus organizations like the Tri-State Club and NAACP. Unfortunately, my time was cut short to 3 years, because I could no longer afford to attend. I packed up my dorm room, and left campus in January of 2010.

I had every intention on returning to Clark Atlanta, once I could pay off my balance. Meanwhile, I became heavily involved at a local ministry here in Atlanta. I often prayed that God would provide the money I needed to return to CAU. I longed to finish what I started, but the money never showed up, and I came to accept that God was changing my path. I guess that's why the scripture says "You can make many plans, but the Lord's purpose will prevail" - Proverbs 19:21 (Bible - New Living Translation). A few years later, in March of 2013, I enrolled in cosmetology school at Aveda Institute Atlanta. I had been doing hair since I was 11 years old, but I had never thought of it as a career. It wasn't until my time in ministry that I was affirmed that I had a gift, and I was encouraged to make it my profession. I have enjoyed making clients feel beautiful, and I continue to grow in my skillset. Nevertheless, that desire to return to higher education never left me.

For years I wrestled with the urge to finish my degree, however, there was never a good time, and there was no money to pay for it. Between marriage, children, work, and ministry, I could not picture myself returning to the classroom with all that I had on my plate. if it were not for the Covid-19 Pandemic, I would not have been able to squeeze in an Associate Trichologist certification from U.S. Trichology Institute. Then came divorce. After 7 years of more lows than highs, our "rollercoaster," as he would say, came to an end. Divorce is a type of grief I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It's a deep pain that takes intentional work to heal from, and I am doing that work.

Now, here I am, somebody's mother and nobody's wife. After being know as "Mrs." for so many years, I struggled with my identity as I returned back to "Miss." My literally felt broken. And, for the first time in my life, I put a name to a battle I had fought for so long; Depression. What I thought was simply sadness from a painful marriage was actually a feeling that visited me often when sudden and traumatic change happened in my life. The good thing is, now that I know it's name, I know how to take care of my mental health properly. There is another scripture that says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" - Romans 8 (Bible - New King James Version). I hate that my marriage failed, however, I know that every experience, whether good or bad, will be used to produce something beautiful from my life.

When my divorce was finalized, I made a commitment to redeem the time, and make my dreams and goals a priority. I woke up the desire to go back to college, with faith that it would be paid for without me creating debt. Thank God for Pell Grants! While scrolling through the Salon Centric app for continued education classes, I was reminded that there was a degree program for beauty professionals through Lead | Rolf's Global Institute. I had considered it a while ago, but as I said before, the time was never right. However, now is the perfect time.

During the summer, I applied to and enrolled in the Beauty and Wellness cohort for Lead | Rolf's Global Institute at Mesa Community College. This time next year (2025), I will have an Associate of Applied Science. I can say that confidently, because I am hallway through my first semester with an 'A' in two of my classes and a very strong 'B' in one class. Oddly enough, this still doesn't seem to be the right time. I am a co-parenting mother, I work early mornings until the evening, and when I come home I am up all night working on assignments. I've been exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally. This has been one of the biggest challenges of my life, but I know it will prove to be a worthy sacrifice.

When I finish at MCC, I plan to transfer Arizona State University to complete Bachelor's degree in Health, Entrepreneurship, and Innovation with an emphasis on Personal Care. After that, plan to get my educator license in cosmetology. Also, I hope to have love again someday, but relationships are work. So, I will not be a fool that rushes into love. Instead I will take this time to do things that fulfill me and give me joy. God willing, my next blog will be about my trip to Italy. Until then, Ciao!

[mylyricpages]

'MODERN HEROES' ( FULL LENGTH VERSION ) ( 2013 )

LAST OF THE MODERN ROMANTICS

STRANGERS WE ARE

WHEN THE SONG IS OVER

WHEN LOVE IS LOST ( IS IT GONE FOREVER? )

WHEN WE’RE OLD AS THE WORLD

WHERE WILL WE GO NOW?

WAITING FOR THE HOLY GHOST

WE WERE REALLY GONNA BE SOMETHING

YOUR SWEETEST LIES

ALL THAT AWAITS US

OUR INDIAN SUMMER

June 2013 - August 2013

LAST OF THE MODERN ROMANTICS

Will you still visit in your memories those streets where you bled will you still go back carve your name in the graves of the dead

Will you still remember what it was like to be the smallest boy in the neighbour hood You’ve taken your punches and you’ve got the bruises to show them all you’ve worn your wounds well refused to lay down while you’re standing so tall Still got the scars to prove you came up the hard way still got the wounds in your heart every single day

Never had the sharpest suits Never had the beautiful girl Never had both feet in the modern world but somehow you’re still standing so very tall

You’re still the last of the modern romantics You’re the last of the modern heroes You’re still the last of the modern romantics You’re the last of the modern heroes

STRANGERS WE ARE

Was I ever really part of something apart from me and you? Was I ever really part of this world at all? When I wasn’t a part of me and you? Every time I see you, every single day I wonder were you the one who got away the happiness that slipped right through my fingers?

Strangers we will be for now and ever more Strangers we will be until we figure out what it’s all been for

Strangers we are now Strangers we are now

Strangers we will be until It comes to its bitter end Strangers we will be until once a lover once more becomes a friend

Strangers we are now Strangers we are now

It’s just the lingering of the days the bittersweet days the forever days since you left us since you went away

It’s just the passing of the days the endless days the grey days since you left here since you went away

Strangers we are now Strangers we are now

WHEN THE SONG IS OVER

When the sunset is finally falling upon our faded little land we’ll gently let go of each other’s hands and quietly disappear into the mists of our lives When the glow is dimming on what once burnt so very bright we’ll go gently into the night and turn from one to once again be two

We held so tight, but what we couldn’t see slipped right through our fingers We turned our eyes away from the very thing we should have fought for We walked away when we should have stayed We turned away when we had everything to live for

When the song is over you’d better walk away When the song is over best to call it a day When the song is over you better be moving on When the song is over best accept the best of us is gone

Oh, isn’t that, isn’t that What we used to say

Oh, isn’t that, isn’t that What we used to say

WHEN LOVE IS LOST ( IS IT GONE FOREVER? )

I saved a thousand love songs but now they’ve all turned to dust there’s only so many times you can travel the same old road until it all just gets too much

So wash away your bitter tears deny the days of your misspent years and get on the road that brings you back to me

Oh, are you ever coming home to me?

Oh, I wonder, oh, how I wonder when love is lost is it gone forever Oh, I wonder, oh, how I wonder when the flame burns bright does it burn forever

Oh, are you ever coming home to me?

I’m trying to change things I’m changing the way I do things at the very least I’m trying

Oh, I have days, oh, I have days when I almost miss you

Oh, are you ever coming home to me?

WHEN WE’RE AS OLD AS THE WORLD

Funny how time slips away, funny how we give up all our days to the memories of the games we once loved to play Funny how we remember it different to how it really was funny how we dream it different to how it really is funny how we never say how we really want it to be

Somethings are never really the way we see them Somethings are never what we really want to see Somethings are never what we want them to be

When we’re as old as the world will we see back through our lives When we’re as old as the world will we see it through different eyes

When we’re as old as the world will we see the same old sky When we’re as old as the world will we slowly watch it all die

When we’re as old as the world will we dim with the sun When we’re as old as the world will all the colours fade into one

When we’re as old as the world will you and I finally stand together as one

When we’re as old as the world When we’re as old as the world

WHERE WILL WE GO NOW?

Where will we go, now that those days are behind us? Where will we go, now there’s no more time left for us? Where will we go, now the best is so far behind us Where will we go, now the memory is growing so very faint for us? Where will we go, now life is gently fading for us Where will we go, now the beautiful sunset is finally upon us?

Is that really still you? Is that really still me? Now we’re no longer all those things we used to be

In the days when we were still together In the days when we were still so young In the days when we were happy In the days when we were sad In the days when our song was yet to be sung In the days that always seemed to go on forever

Where will we go now? Where will we go now?

WAITING FOR THE HOLY GHOST

Sweet boy, I hope this world never tears your fucking heart out ‘cause your heart is too precious to just be lost close your innocent eyes before you see the things that will change you

Sweet boy, throwing stones at the end of the road you’re braking bottles without a care in the world your future isn’t bright and somehow you know it

It don’t matter, it don’t matter what you do someone’s still gonna get something over you So sweet boy, you better come out fighting there’s no use waiting for the holy ghost at the end of the day you’re the only one who can help you

So sweet boy, you better come out fighting

So sweet boy, you better come out fighting

WE WERE REALLY GONNA BE SOMETHING

We were really gonna be something We were gonna rule the world We were gonna shout our love from the rooftops We were gonna make up all the rules

We were really gonna be something We were gonna show them all up We were gonna knock down all of those doors they’d always kept so tightly shut

We were really gonna be something We were gonna sing them the words of our song We were gonna show them all how they’d got it so very wrong

We were really gonna be something We were gonna show them how to win the race but somehow we never got out of the starting gates

We were really gonna be something but then suddenly the dream was gone

Oh, somehow the dream was gone

Oh, somehow the dream was gone

YOUR SWEETEST LIES

Your sweetest lies, your most perfect disguise tell me you’ll still love me in the morning Your sweetest lies hide the truth behind your pretty eyes so tell me you had the best night you’ve ever had

Your sweetest lies, your elegant goodbyes your sweetest words to gently lull me is all this heart ever needs to hear

Your sweetest lies, your beautiful lying eyes your sweetest words of comfort is all this heart ever needs to hear

Your sweetest lies, your eloquent disguise Your sweetest lies to ease my pain away is all I ever need to heal me

Oh, you’re gonna be my downfall Oh, you’re gonna be my down fall

You, you and your army of one You, you and your army of one

Oh darling, won’t you lie to me now

Oh darling, won’t you lie to me now

ALL THAT AWAITS US

On the day that we go will we go together On the day that we go will you be holding my hand Will we jump into what’s beyond will we simply leave this place forever

I just need you to be the one success in my life of so many failed romances I just need you to be the light as I step from my life of so many missed chances I just need one true memory to take to the end of the line with me

Maybe all our lives we’ve been waiting Maybe all our lives we’ve just been standing by for what’s really gonna happen Maybe all that awaits us is everything that’s gonna change us Maybe this is where it all really begins

Maybe all our lives we’ve been waiting Maybe all our lives we’ve been waiting Maybe all our lives we’ve been waiting for our lives to really begin

OUR INDIAN SUMMER

What will we see in the sunset of our lives What will we see when we gaze along our lives Will we want it to go on forever Will we want to see it out together Will we float on a waveless sea Will we be wrapped up in a world of you and me

What will we see when we watch our light fading for the last time Will we watch all our days fade together Will we see it all out together

Will we, will we simply fade away

Will we, will we simply fade away

[transkholins]

okay. episode six thoughts.

EGWENE.

look. the only wot book i’ve read in full since 2018-2019 was the eye of the world. when i think of wot i tend to think more of late-series wot. coincidentally, while early-series wot shows you first hand how awful the seanchan are, late-series wot veers hard into apologia/“negotiating and making concessions for the greater good.” i forgot how hard the egwene povs in the great hunt were to get through. this episode reminded me. in graphic detail.

madeleine madden did a fucking fantastic job and i cannot wait to see her in later seasons as egwene grows and develops as a character. her scenes were so tough to watch. she deserves an award.

i do love how the show is portraying the seanchan. all of the suroth and renna scenes were deeply uncomfortable and upsetting, which is really how the seanchan ought to make viewers feel. (right, brandon sanderson? right?). using loial’s treesinging like a party trick. the flowy/frilly da’covale outfits. renna saying “oh, i’m nicer than other sul’dam, i want to be your friend” but trying to break egwene down. ugh.

there’s also something in here about “southern hospitality” and the us’s history of slavery and rj being from the south but it’s too late at night for me to get into that.

also, like, not to be matbrained, but the sheer delicacy/fanciness of the da’covale clothing makes me very afraid for the extended tylin-tuon plotline. i’m sure that if the show does it they’ll do it well (the show has already done a lot of course-correcting), so it’s not that kind of afraid, but more I Know What’s Coming afraid.

every time they mention The Seanchan Empress i get filled with a little bit more dread. god, i hope they handle tuon’s Everything well.

and siuan’s back!! finally!! i’m hoping they don’t sideline her in these last few episodes, because god knows they’ve done her dirty this season.

i really love ishamael and lanfear’s clothing. like, ishamael’s looks have been so faux-corporate, and i’m obsessed with lanfear’s leather and lace-up boots. it really does feel like an extended/future version of modern (first age?) fashion. i like what they’ve done with the age of legends’s aesthetic in general.

knowing which characters turn out to be darkfriends makes literally everything funnier.

if we must have gawyn and galad in the show. i need them to have the same vibes as barthanes. golden boys who are so so so punchable. sycophantic, even.

mat and min friendship truthers, we continue to lose. i’m hopeful that they’ll get to be friends again eventually.

ugh. mat telling rand he’ll come with him because he needs someone to keep him from becoming an arrogant prick. through the lens of wotshow i catch glimpses of hit amol chapter older, more weathered.

if i had a nickel for every time this season they’ve had a shot in a character’s dream or vision of mat lying dead with his left eye cut out, i would have two nickels. which isn’t a lot but it’s kind of weird that it’s happened twice. evil smile.

rand monologuing about how he thought him going away would protect people at mat, who is generally acknowledged as the king of the whole "being away from rand will protect me" line of reasoning. i have to laugh.

“if you love him, stay away” “[mat stays away]” i hate it when the wheel of time on amazon prime makes me feel nostalgic for the period of time where i was super invested in cauthor. like, circa 2018-2019. do you guys remember when there were only two fics and they were both from like 2013. there are now (i just checked) one hundred and sixty-one. it is such a shame i don’t ship them anymore because it’s genuinely kind of fun to have gay subtext in the gay actual-text show.

but also like. a true testament to the power of casting homoerotic besties as two white men. a loss for me (draws them both as men of color).

relatedly, i am so pleased that the top relationship tag for both the books and the show is siuaraine. quite possibly the only time i’ve ever seen a series that isn’t near-exclusively female characters (madoka magica, the locked tomb, etc.) have an f/f ship at the top. and they’re even canon… i cannot wait to see them next week.

what can i say about the wondergirls that has not already been said. i love nynaeve forever and ever. i love elayne being super into ter’angreal. i love that they both love egwene. i love that they bicker with each other. wondergirls 5ever.

also like… nynaeve getting to hang out with a yellow sister a little bit… delightful.

i’ve said this before but i’m trying to put everything in one place. i think ryma and basan’s actress and actor did an excellent job. but it’s really disappointing that the show continues to veer into anti-Blackness and colorism in its casting. it’s a pattern in both seasons and it isn’t good.

anyways. the wheel of time. i don’t think i have anything more to say right now.

[cyarsk52-20]

The Very Dramatic Final Episode Of "Vanderpump Rules" Aired Last Night, And It's All I Want To Discuss

I'm still thinking about the "big reveal" in the final few minutes, TBH. Also, Tom Sandoval's comment about Ariana Madix wearing a T-shirt during sex is going to have me upset until at least 2055.

Posted 6 hours ago

Well, we made it. It's finally here: the last part of the reunion for Vanderpump Rules Season 10. This week, we finally get to see Raquel Leviss face the music — or just her other castmates — and the last five minutes promise to knock our socks off.

So I have my Peacock account logged in, my heart is beating fast, and my fingers are ready to type every single thought I have about this moment in cultural history so we can experience this together. All of that to say, the third and final reunion episode of Vanderpump Rules Season 10 aired last night, and it's time to GET INTO IT.

OK, I am immediately starting the episode — and I'm going with the uncensored version again, for obvious reasons. This is something I have only dreamed of being able to do since I began watching this show in 2013, and I am so excited to have this option now.

And for anyone who needs a quick refresher on what has already transpired, check out last week's recap here.

The episode kicks off — and we immediately get into a small recap from last week and a small preview for this episode. We see Ariana Madix crying and saying, "I can't think of two worse people, I can't," and then a tease of the big reveal of Raquel "telling the truth" at the end. And now it's finally time for Raquel to get on this stage and film with the rest of the cast. I am waiting with bated breath, quite frankly. She enters as Scheana Shay has to leave to go to a trailer 100 yards away because of the restraining order Raquel filed. SO dramatic, LMAO. But the shots of Scheana in said trailer? Already iconic. Here she is clutching a White Claw hard seltzer.

Raquel says she is "super embarrassed" and "not proud" of herself. She also acknowledges that she owes a lot of people apologies. Right away, we get into the girls trip and how the ladies treated her. I truly would not have been on Lala Kent's or Katie Maloney's side on this trip a mere three months ago. Raquel was doing extremely questionable things we now know, yes, but bringing galaxy lights to a hotel room was not one of them. Who cares!

I could've sworn the channel accidentally changed to a commercial for Lisa Vanderpump's Las Vegas restaurant, but no, it's still the reunion, and Lisa is selling it well. We learn that the reunion lights are modeled after LVP's restaurant. Listen, I could have done without this ad, but I will still visit next time I am in Vegas.

We then get a flashback to Raquel's panic attack in the car on the way to the girls trip in Lake Havasu, and I think we can all agree that this outburst makes so much more sense now. It was nice for the women to show up for Raquel in that moment.

At this, Ariana interjects to say that the word "selfish" does not cover a description of Raquel and that she's "subhuman," among other things. Raquel responds that she thinks her actions "are human." Tom Sandoval then attempts to interject to...defend Raquel? Argue with Lala because he hates her? Yell at a woman because he enjoys that? It's honestly unclear, and even though I side-eye every single thing this man has to say, I would still like to hear it, and Lala and James Kennedy seem incapable of allowing this to happen. They tell him to shut up every time he opens his mouth, which, while it's a MOOD, also makes for an odd reunion viewing experience.

Andy Cohen brings up the fact that Raquel brought up Ariana and Sandoval's relationship on camera to Ariana — even discussing their sex life — and called it "diabolical." Raquel says that it was "so hard for [her] to watch" and that they had only slept together once at this point, and she had been encouraging Sandoval to "reflect and see if he was really happy" and figure out what he really wanted.

From there, things escalate quickly. As Raquel is describing how she "just wanted Tom to be happy, blah-blah-blah," Ariana chimes in and tells Raquel to "fuck [herself] with a fucking cheese grater" and says she "wishes nothing but the worst things that could ever happen to a person on you." I feel so conflicted in this moment. It's beyond obvious why Ariana is upset — more than upset, really — and I would feel the exactsame way. But telling Raquel to fuck herself with a cheese grater is something I personally could have lived without hearing my entire life!!!!

After this, Tom Sandoval thinks it's an amazing idea to chime in and let everyone know, "The thing is, we don't live our lives by logic," and everyone starts laughing, including me, because what the fuck are you even talking about, Tom?? And also, more importantly, we know????

Also, it's important to note that we occasionally get shots of Scheana eating what appears to be Sun Chips in her trailer 100 yards away, and I would like someone to please frame these and send them to me and I will put them in a living room, thank you so much.

Raquel then interjects to say that Lala and James can't talk because they hooked up while she and James were together and "kept it a secret." Let's get this out of the way now: I completely agree that James and Lala should self-reflect about their actions a little bit more, but it is also most definitely not the same situation, and it's OK to acknowledge this, too. Which Lala does with several uses of the word "bitch" and even at one point the term "ho." Also, Tom Sandoval tries to do a James Kennedy British accent impression, and even though I HATEEEEE to admit this, he was not terrible. SUE ME!!!!

Lala's past is then brought up — Raquel says she was Randall Emmett's mistress — and Lala says she is not a mistress and she is "so fucking done with this mistress comment" because she "is not one." Which is interesting, because it feels like any time this is brought up, she absolutely loses it and refuses to actually discuss the fact that she was very much with a married man at the beginning of their relationship. She says that she was lied to for a very long time, he gave her a ring, and she believed he had been separated. And I believe that is true. But it doesn't negate the fact that he was married. It is OK to say, "Hey, I didn't know, but I know now, and I wish that things had been different." Instead, we get Lala yelling about how she is not going to tolerate this and it's like, if you are going to call out cheating, you have to expect this on some level.

Anyway, Sandoval keeps yelling at Lala, and then Lala says, "He hates me because I see him for who he is," and I agree with this. I also think Sandoval hates a woman who shares her opinions and dares to go against him in any way. See: Ariana, Lala, Katie, Stassi Schroeder, Kristen Doute, etc.

BTW, we also have to deal with LVP defending Garcelle Beauvais's son, Oliver (who was married when he made out with Raquel, according to his then-wife), and saying he's innocent or whatever. We absolutely did not need more of LVP defending questionable men, so I am moving on!

Annnnd now we're on to Tom Schwartz and Raquel, who claim they "always had real chemistry," which is so funny because I want to know when Schwartz felt the real chemistry and if it was when Raquel was clearly having a long-term affair with his bestie Tom Sandoval. Raquel is also asked about Katie's mom Teri's reaction to Raquel pursuing Schwartz and whether it impacted her. She says yes, but everyone laughs because, how did it impact you, girlie? You still made out with Schwartz in Mexico!?!??!

We have moved on, which is a relief because I honestly could barely keep up with who was saying what, and it's now time to discuss Tom Schwartz and Raquel making out. I have said it once and I will say it again: I am Team Katie on this one. You can disagree and be wrong, and that's your right. But it seems pretty clear that Katie asked Schwartz not to make out with a cast member in their group, and he blatantly disrespected this, and they both laughed in her face about it. And while I do see Schwartz's argument on some level, I think his past behavior as One of the Worst Husbands Ever negates anything he has to say on the topic.

Now we shift back to discussing James and Lala hooking up when he was with Raquel: I do wish both James and Lala would straight-up say that what they did while he was dating Raquel was wrong. It was wrong!!!!! Point blank, period. Raquel having an affair with Sandoval a couple of years later does not negate this at all. Raquel even says, "It seemed like she had no respect for me," and Lala says, "I still don't." Listen, Lala, this is my issue with you. You can resent her now because you have a reason to, but please stop pretending that you "knew all along." You may have disliked her, you may have questioned her character, but neither of these things makes sleeping with her boyfriend when you knew they were in a relationship together OK.

Raquel then starts trying to share that she believes Lala was resentful that she was getting attention from James when they started dating that took some attention away from Lala — and Lala calls Raquel "my love" before asking her to get "mentally evaluated." It's a moment that is probably meant to sound like an amazing read, but mostly it just makes me sad. I don't condone anything that Raquel has done, but I also can't help believing that she probably is really struggling right now. Someone who does this is struggling on some level. And when Raquel responds that she is being mentally evaluated, to a chorus of "thank god"...it's, in one word, dark.

Andy then asks Lala about why Raquel making out with Schwartz was "unforgivable" to her but no one really seemed to care when it came out that James and Lala slept together — and James says they should stop bringing up stuff from five seasons ago because they have so much to talk about now. AKA: I don't want to talk about the things I've done because we now have someone in the cast who has done worse and I want to focus in on that. And, like, I GET IT. But again, WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG, AND IT'S OK TO SAY THAT. IF YOU DID, IN FACT, SAY THAT, WE COULD ALL MOVE ON. :)

James is then asked about throwing a drink in Schwartz's face, and he says that he did it because making fun of his DJ career is unforgivable, which is not meant to be funny but is actually very fucking funny. He then insists that Schwartz should apologize before being reminded that he has, in fact, apologized a lot and James has yet to apologize for throwing the drink, and James then delivers what I guess could be considered an apology.

We head into a break before seeing LVP tell James, kindly, to STFU so that they can get through the segments, and I am fully with LVP on this one. A James interjection every now and then is funny, but it's becoming incessant, and I WANT TO HEAR WHAT THESE RATS HAVE TO SAY.

We are back from the break. Tom Sandoval and Raquel being seen together at the Abbey is brought up. According to Ally, it was 1 a.m. and they were alone. The "Tom and Ariana being in an open relationship" rumor is then brought up, and the question is posed whether or not Sandoval started this rumor on his own. Ariana says that yes, she thinks so. Raquel also apparently told someone after Coachella in 2022 that Sandoval told her that he and Ariana were open, and Raquel's response was, "I would rather hook up with Ariana than him." I gasped, but you can't hear it.

Raquel is asked where she has been staying since this all broke, and she says she stayed with her sister before driving out to Tucson, Arizona, to be with her family. Sandoval says, "Yeah, we've hung out" when asked if he had seen Raquel since this all broke. Raquel reveals that she thought about skipping the reunion because she is so "ashamed and embarrassed," and that she is "so sorry to Ariana for betraying her." I mean, remorse is nice, to see. It's.......something......

Ariana then says, "My dog had just died, I cried in your fucking arms, and you thought, I should go fuck her boyfriend." Raquel does not argue with Ariana when she tells Raquel that she's "lower than the fucking lowest of low people." She also calls her a "psychopath" and a "dementor" because "I know you like Harry Potter..." LMAO, not a dementor! OK, that was funny.

Raquel admits that she is still in love with Sandoval — OMFG — and then Andy asks him if he feels the same, and he takes a massive pause before saying, "I'm sorry...yes."

Lala tells a visibly upset Ariana that "they both did this for you" and that Ariana will one day be grateful that they revealed who they are. Ariana then looks Raquel straight in the eyes and tells her, "You are nothing. Let that sink in. I know it's not hard for you to let other people's thoughts go in your brain because you never have a fucking original thought of your own; you are nothing." With this, Raquel walks off the stage in need of "a water." I'm sorry — maybe an unpopular opinion? — but this is not as fun for me to watch as I expected. It is very bleak! I know many of you may not agree, but watching a silent Raquel sit there as people tell her she's nothing is not nearly as satisfying as I would have once believed it would be. It's just...sad.

Andy asks about the support Ariana received, and Sandoval reveals that he was hurt by the fact that "people who were just as close to both of [them]" took to the internet to create funny memes instead of reaching out via text. I am screaming. This is such classic Sandoval: "Nobody texted ME to check in on ME after I cheated on and publicly humiliated my long-term girlfriend in a horrific way." I mean, my GOD, Tom.

Sandoval is asked about dressing up as Raquel for Halloween — Ariana helped him plan his outfit— and they all ask how the fuck he was able to do this because it is undeniably FUCKING WEIRD. He has no explanation, but his only explanation would be, "I am a disgusting man who definitely got off on this secret affair."

Ariana is then asked about her egg freezing — and she says the eggs are "just frozen" and not fertilized with Tom's sperm, and "thank god," because she "doesn't want that DNA mixed with [hers]." Andy asks Sandoval if Raquel is the only woman he's slept with, and he says yes, but Ariana and others interject to mention a woman in Chicago.

Oh my god. I just had to pause the episode and rewind to make sure I heard correctly. I AM ABOUT TO THROW HANDS, AND I DO NOT EVEN CONDONE VIOLENCE. I am shaking! OMG, this man is disgusting. Ariana says that Sandoval had actually slept with her while he was with Raquel, to which Sandoval interjects with, "Yeah, she kept her T-shirt on, it was really hot." YOU MOTHERFUCKER. YOU ARE LUCKY SHE EVEN SPOKE TO YOU. I am not going to dignify this disgusting comment with any more attention. Fuck that.

This was also my face watching this man open his goddamn mouth.

I am still shaking. Fucking Tom Sandoval. The audacity. Just the lowest of LOW. But now Andy is asking Raquel about the fact that people are calling her Rachel, and she reveals that her friends refer to her as Raquel and her family refers to her as Rachel. She says, "Anytime someone says your name out of the preferred name that you want, it's disrespectful, and Lala would know." Lala then calls her a "moron," which is not hitting the same way from someone whose real name is Lauren!

Sandoval admits that Raquel has met his family, but maintains that it was at the opening of (the wildly underwhelming) Schwartz and Sandy's. When asked when their relationship went from a "one-night stand" to a full relationship, Sandoval says that it became a relationship in "January" and that he told Schwartz he was in love during that month. When asked where they would be a year from now, Raquel says she doesn't know, and when Sandoval is asked, he can't answer because James is shouting about how they are both going to live "in a fucking house made of dog shit" or in a "poo-poo house" because they are both "poo-poo heads." I need James to eat a lollipop and take a time-out.

Schwartz then says that he told Sandoval he needed to tell Ariana so that it didn't come out. If Schwartz did say this, Sandoval clearly didn't listen. And with that, it is somehow already time for Raquel to leave the stage so that Scheana can come back and hopefully perform "Good as Gold." Just kidding, but I do wish. It's a bop.

Lala interjects to say that she's thrilled Ariana is away from Sandoval because he's toxic — and Raquel agrees, which is wild...girl, run, save yourself, etc.??? — before Sandoval interjects to say that "Lala doesn't love Ariana dearly," to which Lala responds, "I do love Ariana dearly, enough that I ate her cookie in the back of your car, and I'd do it again." LMAOOOO, LALA!! OK, 10 points for Lala. She won in this moment. I barely even heard anything after this because I was laughing. Sorry to whatever Raquel said.

We're getting close to the end here, and still no massive revelation. We saw ALL KINDS OF RUMORS, from Raquel allegedly being pregnant to there being alleged threesomes, to James and Raquel breaking up because of Sandoval, and more. While I have no idea what it is, I hope I am not disappointed. It's time for final thoughts from the group, which means we are GETTING CLOSE.

I am so excited for the reveal that I can almost barely clock anything else that is happening. Scheana says she doesn't want another child anytime soon, and Katie wants to avoid another marriage and perhaps wants to be a cool aunt. Normally I would probably care about all of this, but right now I NEED THE REVEAL!!! OK, BTW, now Sandoval is crying and saying that he is a human who made a terrible mistake and that he will always love Ariana and "cheer her on from afar." I genuinely wish I believed him. I will say this: I hope he works on himself. But considering that like a week ago, he was going off on Instagram stories on a female journalist over nail polish, my hopes aren't high!

Ariana's final thoughts are that she is grateful for everyone — except Sandoval and Raquel — for being there for him and that she "will not forgive him and will not be cheering him on from afar." Chills. Poetry. Etc. I am glad she gets the final word here. She deserves it and more.

Oh my god, OK, everyone, get in your position, the episode is ending. There are approximately five minutes left. IT'S ALL HAPPENING.

We see everyone walk off. Ariana leaves in a car. Things seem normal. And then we get WHITE TEXT ON A BLACK SCREEN. IT'S HAPPENING. It says, "Six days later, Raquel sat down for her final interview of the season." OH MY GOD, IS SHE GOING TO TURN ON TOM SANDOVAL??? A SOLO INTERVIEW?? NO COACHING??

OK, it's Raquel, and it's a talking head interview. She says that it's important for her to tell the truth and she "doesn't want to lie anymore." She says it's not worth trying to keep up any lies — including timelines — because it's already all out there and she essentially has to face the music. She admits that she maintained some untruths, or lies, at the reunion. When asked why she did this, she says she felt that it would be less hurtful to say that it wasn't an ongoing affair but, rather, isolated incidents.

When asked when the affair became a regular thing, she admits it was ongoing during filming and that the second time they hooked up, they were IN MEXICO FOR SCHEANA'S WEDDING. Which is why you definitely cannot convince me the Schwartz thing wasn't a cover. But moving on. The producer then asks if they had sex "multiple times" while in Mexico for Scheana's wedding, and Raquel says yes.

She says that she "doesn't remember how often it would happen" but it was a regular thing that picked up speed after they wrapped filming. 

She also says that she did meet Sandoval's mom in Los Angeles and his mother was aware of the situation, although Raquel denies that she went to St. Louis with Sandoval (despite the fact that production has a picture of Raquel and Sandoval in St. Louis — amazing editing). The producer tells Raquel that he can read her face, to which she responds, "I know, I don't have a good poker face," and the producer encourages her to just admit it, which is when Raquel finally admits that yes, she did go to St. Louis and she "definitely felt really guilty."

When asked about the Jacuzzi night — the infamous Ken Todd reveal — Raquel says that they did not hook up that night, but then says that he asked her to say that and he is the only person she has right now, so she doesn't feel that she can betray him, because then she would "really have nobody." It's so obvious this man manipulated her. It's sick.

With this, she starts crying and says that this is the one story that she and Sandoval agreed they would get straight, and that Sandoval wanted to lie about it because it was "a really bad look" to hook up with someone's boyfriend when they went out of town for a funeral. She says all this through tears, and it's both satisfying and horrifying for her to finally admit this.

Wow. I did not expect to see a one-on-one unplanned interview with Raquel, and while it was not the reveal I had built up in my head, it was a satisfying ending to an incredible season of television for me. I am sorry that so many people had to get hurt for this television show to happen, but my god, it was fascinating to watch.

And say what you want about Raquel, but I think she is possibly finally understanding the full scale of what happened and is feeling the consequences of her actions. I truly hope she can grow from this and find the confidence to realize that Tom Sandoval is not the answer, and that real change and growth are possible. 

Sent from my iPhone

[al-mayriti]

i did the same but for 2013 !!!! here's the graph

There's so many interesting things I wanted to talk about.

First of all, the number of songs is quite different. In 2023 the total number of songs were 294, whereas in 2024 the final playlist has 348 songs so. quite the difference there.

The songs from repeated artists in 2023 represented a 64.63% of the total, whereas the 2024 songs represent a 66.95% of the total, so overall a pretty similar pattern there. The number of repeated artists is also pretty similar, 39 vs 43. There are 18 artists that appear both in 2023 and 2024 out of a total of 63, 28.57% of all the artists.

There are several artists that have the same amount of songs in both years:

-Alba Reche has 2 songs; quimera in both years and esa también fui yo (quiero acordarme) and flor alta in 2023 and 2024 respectively.

-La Oreja de Van Gogh also has 2 songs; puedes contar conmigo in both years and 20 de enero and jueves in 2023 and 2024 respectively. i guess the depressing alba reche song had to be exchanged by the depressing lodvg song to keep balance or something.

-Olivia Rodrigo has 18 in both years. I compared both lists and 12 songs are repeated. the ones that aren't are:

2023: all-american bitch, the grudge, teenage dream, brutal, driver's license, & enough for you

2024: obsessed, girl i've always been, so american, all i want, traitor & happier

-Valeria Castro has 7 in both years. guerrera, la raíz and perdón (no me había dado cuenta antes) appear in both years. as for the others, they are:

2023: algo contigo, ay, amor, un hogar & desde cuando

2024: dentro, lo que siento, contigo & peter pan

-Zahara has 5 in both years. esto no es una canción política and joker appear in both years. as for the others, they are:

2023: adiós, taylor & joker (reputa)

2024: negronis y martinis, dolores, & berlín u5 (reputa)

only one reputa per year i guess

For my swifties, here's how the eras distribution goes per year (i'm not gonna list all songs that would take too long)

2023: 1989 (3 songs), evermore (1 song - marjorie), fearless (4 songs), red (4 songs), speak now (6 songs)

2024: 1989 (1 song - style), fearless (3 songs), folklore (6 songs), midnights (1 song - yoyok), red (4 songs), speak now (4 songs), ttpd (9 songs)

Finally, I wanted to measured how many artists appeared with at least one song in both years. so. here's all the 1 song artists in 2024 that also appear in the 2023 playlists (or viceversa), and i'll also add if the song is the same in both years or not:

aitana: 24 rosas in both

the great comet: there's 2 songs in 2024 (moscow and charming) I KNOW I KNOW. here's the thing. i decided not to include musicals in the 2024 graph, but i did so in the 2023 one. so. that's that. there's also 3 hadestown songs in 2024 (way down hadestown, any way the wind blows and road to hell) what about it.

bad gyal: fiebre in both

baiuca: meigallo in both

bizarrap: quevedo session in 2023, and villano antillano session in 2024. however. i do have the quevedo session (ot 2023 version) in my 2024 playlist.

carolina durante: perdona (ahora sí que sí) in both

chappell roan: hot to go! in both

confeti de odio: el cielo son los otros in 2023

flavia: ripe in both

joaquín sabina: y nos dieron las diez in both

la la love you: más colao que el colacao in both

hamilton: alexander hamilton in both

lola índigo: discoteka in 2023, yo tengo un novio in 2024

luna ki: voy a morir in 2023

maría josé llergo: visión y reflejo in both

muna: everything in both

ruslana: salvaje in 2023

svetlana: super lesbiana in 2023, felixità in 2024

veintiuno: la vida moderna in both

i organized all my most listened to songs on 2024 into a single playlist, counting my top 40 most listened to songs each month, and then i wanted to see what my top artists were according to this data, not spotify wrapped, so i counted all artists that had more than one song in the playlist. here's the result :)

keep in mind i only counted songs where the artist appears first if it's a collab, so these numbers are probably larger in most of these

[tirednotflirting]

a fic rec list that quite literally no one asked for

I’ve felt incredibly uninspired lately with fic. It’s a shit feeling. I may just be done writing. TBD. But as I’ve been sitting around trying to determine my feelings on fic, I’ve found myself thinking a lot about how I read fic. I’ve been reading it for awhile. I like to think that even in the 5SOS space, I’ve read a really good variety of things. So I wanted to make note of the fics that come to mind when I think of fics that have inspired me/made me feel something/are just really good. This probably will not be very organized and I apologize for that now. 

I’ve been very VERY lucky to get to know a few of the folks whose works I mention here. I feel so grateful to have had even small glimpses into your creative processes. Just before the world Stopped a couple years ago, I was shuffling toward a mindset of writing off fan fiction as a thing of my younger years and I’m thankful that so many people metaphorically hit me over the head with their incredible works. 

there’s some 1D, 5SOS, Shawn Mendes, and also solo 1D boys in here. i think a lot of them are at least a touch nsfw at points but not all of them? yeah. i think everything that is is noted of on the pages they link to? certainly not an exhaustive list of my favorites but these were the ones on my mind today.

Okay, in probably a really strange, completely non-linear order, here we go.

sugar on the asphalt by @justanchorandhope

I genuinely cannot even begin to describe the love in my heart for this fic. this is the fic (and writer tbh) that kept me around on tumblr in 2013 and is the perfect example of everything i loved about 1D fic back in the day. an OC to die for, the perfect dash of so many different tropes, CUPCAKES, southern charm, it has it all. just the sweetest cast of characters. i cannot believe i was 15 when this fic was first posted and now i’m 24 and re-reading this still feels like a curling up with a cup of tea at the end of a long day.

okay basically everything written by @harryandmolly but specifically the following:

like the back of my hand + fear and loathing in mandeville canyon

okay so fun fact i was so thrown off the first time i read the first fic listed there (the second one listed is a sorta AU of the first one taking place in early pandemic/lockdown times btw) bc the OC’s bff uses the exact same nickname i used in high school. okay but Lilly is a GOD TIER OC. i love a story that takes place over a really long period of time + really shows the progression of a relationship. also super random but as a woman in my mid-20s with crazy unrealistic dreams of living in a big gorgeous house with all my friends, the descriptions of the house Lilly lives in make my heart sing. for a story that takes place in a totally normal version of the world, the world building (maybe the wrong term here idk) in this is so great.

i could write it better than you ever felt it

three words: warped tour au. no but seriously there’s this blanket of nostalgia over this whole fic bc of the setting that is so fucking fun (she says having never gone to warped tour but shhhhh). another bright and brilliant OC, SO many lovable side characters, really driving plot. reading this feels like summer in all the best ways. (+ a brilliant sequel of sorts.) perfectly captures silly punk boys + hayley williams is there just being the goddess that she is. my introduction to jasey rae lol. so many things and all of them so great.

the emancipation of ginny

got momentarily distracted reading the teaser sorry i’m back now. ginny: bad ass and gorgeous business woman lady navigating being the assistant for an international pop star who is also her ex. andrew gertler is so stressed the whole time. i like a story that jumps around in time and this one does it in such a unique way. the writing in this is STUNNING, i feel like i am in every scene feeling the misty fog in london and the sun in my eyes on a summer festival tour. a Masterpiece imo. also the niall in this is wonderful in all the ways he can be + taylor swift shows up for a minute.

perfect teeth by @stylesmoothie

why yes i am in fact linking you to MIBBA bc 1DFF was the only other place to really find this i think rip to our fallen hero and what a throwback adlskfjdsl. i am NOT joking when i say that i literally cried when people started reblogging around the final update for this a few years back bc it had been like 5 years since this fic was updated. this fic holds such a special place in heart (as so many 1D fics from this era do). ezra is a brilliant OC and her story is SO GREAT. something i loved about ~this era~ of 1D fic was how expansive the backstories for the OCs were and ezra’s especially just made me fall in love with her. i remember that reading the conclusion to this story (so many years after starting it) felt like this beautiful sense of closure. i had very few constants in my later teenage years but stories like this one were one of them. love love love this story.

(took a brief pause so anna and i could hunt down an old zayn fic from back in the day slkdfjlds leesh came to our rescue bless her)

nom de plume by @stylesprimes

another fic that truly feels like it just? defined an era of my life???? (just had to do some internet wizardry to verify this was a 2014 fic lol) another OC with just the most sick backstory and story told throughout the fic. in this era of fic i was a HUGE fan of the harry styles london indie crew kinda fic. could not tell you why aside from how fucking cool i thought alexa chung was. you really get to see everyone make mistakes and grow in this story which i really admire from both a reader and a writer standpoint. like that’s not easy to do sdlfkjdsl. i love all the twists and turns and it’s a story i love returning to every once in awhile. cecilia’s experiences in this are so so unique and i’ve never really read anything quite like this story. the dynamic between the characters and just the overall vibe of ndp has always been so novel. i love it.

scene 14 by @daydadahlias

this FIC OH MY GOD. so backstory: i feel like i was the last person to read jess fic esp this one like. i was so intimidated by the fact that everyone had already read this and i had all of this knowledge of the vibe and how much everyone loved this that reading this almost felt like being introduced to a friend of a friend, ya know? this fic is Stunning. like i didn’t think it would be possible to be so impressed by college au world building at this point in my life (i’ve been reading college AUs for like. literally over a decade) but this little world that jess created was SO immersive. these characters were all so bright and i loved and cared for each and every one of them despite how many there were. i laughed, i cried. reading this reminded me why i love fan fiction and i feel so SO grateful to be in this fic space at the same time as jess.

love would burn this city down for you by @calumcest

helen has shared so many amazing stories but this one is always going to be my favorite. there’s so much soul and heart and love in this short little piece. i barely have the words for it. i started writing myself bc i felt inspired by the space that helen was helping to create a couple years ago and it’s pieces like this that i think had a lot of influence on the style i would try to adopt in certain ways. she’s so great at showing love in the little, quiet ways. pieces like this one feel like a secret and i’m so thankful i get to be in on it.

another night of takeout by @roselirry

lol i’ve had the second part of this bookmarked on my computer for MANY years and just realized there was a third part to it i had never read. this is a niall fic, little slices of three different days from the perspective of Vee, niall’s assistant in a solo era world. reminds me of a lot of the reasons i love the emancipation of ginny. one of my favorite tropes, a bit of that ‘omg they’re so in love but just refuse to really fully acknowledge it’ kinda situation. only three little bits in this but through the bits of background you get such a FULL story (despite the fact that it’s technically not finished i think?). SUCH a comfort read, i’ve read this so many times that it feels like a cozy, worn cardigan. (also i’ve historically been SUPER picky with my niall fic and this one has really stood the test of time for me)

all the things yet to come by soysauceharry

so i’ve never been a big self insert fic kinda girl. i think i just started out with OC fic so it was just this foreign thing to me for so long. i’m also a very big character person so when a character is really vague for the purpose to trying to be easy to fit a variety of looks and/or personalities into, i struggle to find enjoyment in it at times. but jesus christ, this story is cool. for me, reading this story gives the vibe of like a dream where you’re watching yourself do something? so despite the fact that it’s written in the second person, i don’t feel like i’m watching the story from the eyes of the OC. also despite all of the ‘you’s i just have never read this as a true self insert. i have an MC in my head that is very much a unique character. MC is a graduate psych student, Harry is her graduate advisor for a min and then later just a colleague. follows MC through her graduate studies. the setting and the story are just so pretty and lifelike. i think i read this for the first time in the winter while i was still in school which added a lot to the vibe. i return to this whenever i want cozier vibes.

If you dance with me darling, if you take me home… Will we talk in the morning? by @kaleidoscopeminds

i love a meg fic for so so many reasons. i love this one especially bc the tone of it to me feels like how you tell the story of a fun night out. it feels fun and silly like the stories you tell the night after the night out about all the wild shit you did in the early hours of that same day. i’ve always been very fond of this fic because meg posted it when i was feeling very VERY down about the world and it just made me smile. this fic feels like laughs after shots idk how to describe it just good fun. she is the cake QUEEN but i always found so much inspo in her earlier lashton pieces. they remind me of all the good things about summer 2020. i’m glad they can still take me back to those times of first getting to know some of the folks that i just love so dearly now (baggy salt forever <3)

sail the wildest stretch by @beautifulletdownfics

holy shit y’all this story. the way this story is told feels so so unique. as i’ve gotten more into adulthood i’ve found myself appreciating stories like this a lot more. stories where adults are being adults and maybe shit romantically gets complicated but their lives don’t just get put on pause to resolve those complications. like that feels real, it makes sense. to me this has always felt more like a story about Amelia rather than AmeliaandHarry, which i appreciate and really enjoy. it feels like a very real thing - this super fabulous friend whose life isn’t as super fabulous as it appears. the characters in this are so human. they fuck up and have to figure out how to apologize for that. this is such a unique kind of fan fiction story and one that i will never stop recommending.

*

[wistfulrat]

a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[ for my fellow fledgling drarry stans bc im also very new here! like tbh i think the last fic i read pre-pandemic was a 1D ziam series back in 2013?? lmao god. but alas, after reading HP fanfic for the first time during lockdown & subsequently 300+ drarry fics since then, it is time. it’s time to be embarrassing about it online via lengthy rec lists. and if you end up loving any of these fics? follow the authors, leave kudos & comments on their work, send them nice msgs bc they do all this shit for free & that’s wild ]

part 1: thrillers

mood: for when i need something exciting, haunting, immersive, fast-paced

includes: case fics, mystery fics, plotty adventures!! expansive world-building, time warps, magical theory, wizarding politics!! the thrill of a chase!!! you’ll get your drama & spicy sex but mostly it’s the unravelling that hooks you. because for these?? you’re here for the ride, bitch.

Shibboleths by @lol-zeitgeistic​​ - 100k - E Douglas Adams sci-fi fantasy rom-com wet dream. i'm mad about how good it is. the boys are hogwarts professors and something Scary Big is happening in the magical world and the Dursleys are here?? i audibly gasped, i laughed, i remained on the edge of my fucking seat the whole time

Hermione Granger's Hogwarts Crammer for Delinquents on the Run by @waspabi​​ - 93k - T canon divergence excellence!! jkr*wling is punching the air rn. harry doesn’t learn he’s a wizard till he’s 17 and he’s Miffed. voldy is ruining everything, the Order is underground. hermione’s got her own band of rebel teens. also draco’s here and he's very gay for harry and very mad about it. road trips, tent sleeping, hijinks, guerilla warfare, seizing the press, feisty kids out to fuck ur shit uP while flirting a little. this is honestly an all-time fave.

If an Injury Is to Be Inflicted by @shealwaysreads​​ - 45k - E ANARCHIST DRARRY IS GOD TIER and the pacing here is relentless. it’s a post-war hellscape and harry’s missing and draco is scheming. it’s violent, it’s sexy, it’s tightly written, it’s got observations on the cost of survival and revolution, it’s brilliant.

Azoth by @lol-zeitgeistic​ - 88k - E 8th year magical theory time and the boys are Ambitious in a hot-mad-scientist kind of way. harry is a late-bloomer Swot and has a heart-boner for genius!draco and draco tries not to have a gay panic about it?? there’s animagi, alchemy, poetic theories of change!! & lots of bird metaphors. immaculate

The Boy Who Only Lived Twice by @letteredlettered​​ - 54k - E a spy and his handler ohmygoD I'm a hoe for missions of the impossible sort and secret identities!! & the unravelling of said identities!! the need to be seen at war with the need to escape. draco & harry as equals, evenly-matched and whip-smart and terrifying on the battlefield?? incredible

Who We Are in The Shadows by @quicksilvermaid​ - 100k - E an ex-auror. an elusive investigator. boys Gone Rouge. it’s very hot of them in a magical-bourne-identity kind of way. powerful werewolf harry + intelligent draco + outmaneuvering bad guys outside the law?? there’s a reason you’ve seen this specific creature fic in every drarry list bc IT’S FUCKING EXCELLENT IS WHAT IT IS

Turn From Stone by @harryromper​ - 45k - M post-war hogwarts castle-magic turned malevolent as shit and it might be lost forever except!! hermione’s going to save the day and her plan’s seedy as hell but the DA gang + draco are all here. an adventure fic feat. the black lake but even more ominous, haunted common rooms, libraries of death, flying daggers, deception, ancient spells, drarry fighting for their lives but in a hot way.

The Art of Shadow Boxing by @tommylane​ - 178k - E draco’s a professional fighter in Thailand and oh shit harry’s here but he hasn't seen harry in 7years?? and what the fuCK happened during their AU horcrux adventures with the trio that made draco disappear to Thailand?? something is amiss. mafia moms, wrestling sexily, so much pining, flashbacks, pentagrams. draco needs a hug.

The Fall of the Veils by @letteredlettered​​ - 60k - M "muggles find out about wizards, wars are fought, apparition is abolished, political conspiracies abound, draco is asexual, and harry has legilimency sex with him” -- IS THAT SUMMARY NOT FUCKING WILD I WAS HOOKED. the scale of this fic is breathtaking and makes you appreciate the labor of world-building in genre fics bc the political and moral complexities of this fic, bitch??? lives rent free in my head

REVOLVELOVER by @firethesound​ @lol-zeitgeistic​​ - 46k - E hit-wizard harry and anti-government extremist draco!! ethics, political corruption, car chases, subterfuge. and god the mood of this fic. the characterization! weaponized-stoic-hurting harry. obsessive-anarchist-yearning draco. carnal, us-against-the-world kind of love. hmm I would simply die for thEM.

Like Clockwork by agentmoppet - 40k - E curse-breaker draco and unspeakable harry!! they’re both hoes for puzzles. harry has a Secret and broods a lot. draco is pissy about it. they’re both too clever for their own good. featuring mysterious objects with a side of trust issues and wanting to murder your crush.

Burn the Curtains and the Wine by @nerdherderette​​ - 24k - E mr. and mrs. smith but it’s harry and draco and it’s exactly as hot and exciting as it sounds. the secret lives of married assassins feat. car explosions, sexily dueling in the desert, draco wielding muggle weapons!

In The Hand by aideomai - 28k - T HELL YEA DRARRY MULTIVERSE BITCHES LOVE THE DRARRY MULTIVERSE. harry’s been missing for months and now we’re dabbling in other dimensions, messing with time travel, racing against the clock, meeting every version of drarry you’ve ever read about. fics within a fic!! god I love it I would read anything aideomai writes tbh, they invented thrill and they do it with less than 30k words?? the talent

Crossing Lines by ren @alcoholicrevo - 48k - E smuggle rings, undercover investigations, draco being hot, harry being flustered by draco being hot -- all of this taking place on a swank train with themed sections and everything. it’s magical murder on the orient express time, bitch!!

Tales from the Special Branch by @femmequixotic​​ - 1.2m - E a 5-part, multiple pov, behemoth of an auror-fic series worthy of its hype bc you know what? it truly Has It All - murders, drama, sex, treason, spooky magical shit, political conflict, drama-ridden relationships, a truly complex & full-bodied cast featuring the Hot Slytherins. jkr*wling fucking WISHES she had the range

[part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

[mylyricpages]

'DAY & NIGHT/ NIGHT & DAY' ( FULL LENGTH VERSION ) ( 2013 )

THE DARKER THE DAY ( THE BRIGHTER THE LIGHT

DREAMERS OF A MODERN AGE

RAGGEDY ANDY ( SONG FOR WARHOL )

EVERYONE SAYS HELLO

LAY ME LOW ( WHERE THE WILD ROSES GROW )

HERE COMES THE RAIN

PANDORA’S GOT A SECRET

WANDERLUST

WISHING THE SKY AWAY

LITTLE MISS BOMBARDIER

YOUR SWEET MAJESTY

June 2013 - August 2013

THE DARKER THE DAY ( THE BRIGHTER THE LIGHT )

Why don’t you get yourself away from love just let yourself feel the things you really fear You’re running scared from all the things that really shouldn’t matter to you at all Why don’t you give yourself some time just let yourself feel something for a change You’re caught up in all the things that really shouldn’t matter to you at all

Oh, you’re not really here at all are you Oh, you’re not really here at all are you Oh, you’re somewhere so far out on your own Somewhere they can never find you

Oh, don’t you ever fade away Oh, don’t you ever fade away go out in your blaze of glory You know they’ll always love you

Oh, you’re tired, you’re tired but you never have to be lonely Oh, they’ll never leave you lonely Oh, they’ll never leave you lonely

The darker the day, the brighter the light The darker the day, the brighter the light The darker the day, the more you’re gonna shine

Oh, they’re still gonna love you even when you’re gone

Oh, they’re still gonna love you even when you’re gone

Oh, they’re still gonna love you Oh, they’re still gonna love you

DREAMERS OF A MODERN AGE

Dreamers of a modern age always turning to a new page Always dreaming of a better day

We salute you We salute you

Dreamers of a modern age always learning from our past Always dreaming from first to last

We salute you We salute you

Dreamers of a modern age always shaping the future days Always dreaming up our new ways

We salute you We salute you

Dreamers of a modern age always dreaming your future plans Always dreaming up our last stands

We salute you We salute you

Dreamers of a modern age always watching our empires fall Always dreaming away the worst of us all

We salute you We salute you

RAGGEDY ANDY ( SONG FOR WARHOL )

Raggedy Andy and his brown paper bags had his eyes on the world but he came from the stars Shy boy, your 15 minutes of fame is gonna last forever New York City loves you now what you say to all of them now is gonna last forever

Raggedy Andy, you’re gonna change the world forever

Raggedy Andy, you’re gonna change the world forever

EVERYONE SAYS HELLO

Everyone says hello, everyone says how have you been? Oh, it’s been such a long time since you’ve been seen

Everyone says hello Everyone says hi Everyone wonders how it is you didn’t die

Oh, you never said goodbye Oh, you never said goodbye Did you? Oh no, not at all Did you?

Isn’t it wonderful Isn’t it wonderful We’re still alive You and I

Everyone says hello, everyone wonders if you were just a dream? Oh, could you tell us just where it is you’ve been

Everyone says hello Everyone says hi Everyone shed a tear when they thought you’d gone and died

Oh, you never said goodbye Oh, you never said goodbye Did you? Oh no, not at all Did you?

Isn’t it wonderful Isn’t it wonderful We’re still alive You and I

We missed the sunlight you brought on the grey days We missed the calm you brought when the stormy days came

Isn’t it wonderful Isn’t it wonderful We’re still alive You and I

With thanks to David Bowie

LAY ME LOW ( WHERE THE WILD ROSES GROW )

Lay me low, lay me where the wild roses grow Oh, lay me low Please darling, when I’m gone far away from this place find me where I’ve fallen in my grace Oh, lay me low Oh, lay me low

So let them read their righteous psalms out loud So let them sing their sweet hymns proud Just as long as you remember to lay me low Oh, lay me low Oh, lay me low

So let them throw their biblical stones at me So let them shout their godless names at me Just as long as you remember to lay me low Oh, lay me low Oh, lay me low

Oh, lay me low Oh, lay me low

Oh darling, I want to wake up on the other side where the wild roses grow Oh darling, when I go, when I go Oh, lay me low Oh, lay me low

HERE COMES THE RAIN

Washing away all the days we always wish we could leave behind Washing away the secrets we always tried so hard to hide

Did we just let things bleed did we let all we had just wither away and die wish I could say hello to you wish I could say a sweet good bye

Did we just plunder it all did we leave it all alone in the shade wish I could say hello to you wish I could remake what we made

Will we still wait for the rain to fall

Wait, wait, for the rain to fall

Here comes the rain Here comes the rain to wash it all away again

Here comes the rain Here comes the rain again

PANDORA’S GOT A SECRET

Were you still so lonely when you left us Were you still the girl you used to be Wasn’t it fine living in your own world Where things were just how you wanted them to be

Oh, wasn’t it fine to be so adored by them all Oh, weren’t you just a gift to them all Stealing the hardened hearts of them all A quiet girl who woke up the whole wide world

You were parading your style and everyone was watching at least for a while but did you forget you only get your fifteen minutes of fame my dear

Pandora, you’ve got a secret you hide so very well under all that make up you’ve got a real tale to tell

Pandora, you’re always crying in the rain where no one can see you

Pandora, you’ve got a secret Pandora, you’ve got a secret You’ve got a real tale to tell

WANDERLUST

I’m feeling very off my game, I’m feeling just a slight sense of shame for all the things I didn’t do for you

I’m carefully retracing all my steps I’m constantly twisting in all of my regrets for all the things I didn’t do for you

It’s just a fog of malaise, I guess I’m just going through a phase I guess I always have been I’m letting my guard down when I’m not acting the clown I’m almost faltering

No reason or no rhyme, maybe it’s right about time I went right out of my mind don’t you think that’s it’s oh such a fine idea wouldn’t it be so much nicer if everything was suddenly so very much clearer

Somedays, I don’t know if I want to make love to a boy or a girl Somedays, I just want to make love to the whole wide world!

Oh, I feel so restless, so very restless I can never sleep through the night

Oh, I feel so restless, so very restless I can never sleep through the night

WISHING THE SKY AWAY

You’re the beauty and the beast You’re the very best and the very least of all I hoped for Everytime I fall asleep I let myself dream of a better you at least the you I’d rather know maybe though it’s me that needs to grow but I don’t really want to grow so old Oh no, not at all You’ve given up on your childhood dreams so the growing old I leave to you

I’m not giving up on my dreams I’m not giving up on my dreams I don’t want to hear what you’re saying to me I’m not really listening at all

Because you wishing the sky away Because you wishing the sky away You’re wishing, wishing the sky away

LITTLE MISS BOMBARDIER

She’s such a space age kinda girl, she knows it’s the future where it’s really at she doesn’t want the latest fashion or any of that it’s the real deal she’s after She’s found her own style and you can be sure she knows it

She’s never been part of the it crowd but the it crowd can never really compare she knows where she’s going and it’s so very far out there she knows just what it takes to really get ahead she’s found her way and you can be sure she won’t blow it

Little miss bombardier she’s going to war against the night Little miss bombardier she’s flying so very high Little miss bombardier she’s a girl with her eyes on the sky

Little miss bombardier she hears the sound of the distant sitars Little miss bombardier she’s dreaming up among the stars

She’s a dreamer She’s a dreamer

YOUR SWEET MAJESTY

I’ll bow before your sweet majesty I’ll kneel at the dignity of you I’ll lay myself down before your sweet grace I’ll swear away my life to you

I’ll lay down in your sweet meadow if you’ll breathe your sweet breath upon me I’ll feel the strength of your beliefs if you let me sleep in your dreams

I’ll bow down before your holy tree I’ll bow down before your holy tree You are all of me I’ll bow down before your holy tree I’ll bow down before your holy tree I’ll kneel in awe of thee

Bless me, bless me with you love

Bless me, bless me with you love