#Republic day school project

[save-mohamed-family]

Thank you for documenting my campaign from the following accounts:

@ibtisams @soon-palestine @sar-soor @90-ghost @fairuzfan @ibtisams @fallahifag @northgazaupdates

I am Mohammed Almanasra, 32 years old, married, and a father of three children: Abdulrahman, 6 years old, Sarah, 4 years old, and Lina, 3 years old.

My story began with the loss of my parents and four of my sisters who were bombed and lost their lives along with their children after the events of October 7 and the severe war on Gaza. Now, my wife, children, and I are displaced, without parents or siblings, living with our little cat that we embrace among us.

Recently, I moved to the south of the Gaza Strip, fearing for the lives of my children. We left behind our memories and our new home, for which we had not finished paying the installments, in addition to losing my job. Currently, I live in a tent that does not protect me from the heat of summer or the cold of winter, and without the minimum necessary livinng basics including water, food medical care, clothe and even bedding .

I suffer from a chronic asthma and severe attacks from tightness and an extreme allergy in the ear and I need medicine that are not available, or very expensive .

Under these difficult circumstances, after five attempts at displacement and narrowly escaping death from the bombing, I am trying with all my might to protect my family, the most precious thing I have.

My dreams were shattered, and my house was destroyed, and I found myself living in a tent no larger than 4 square metres. My work turned from a tailor to a street vendor in order to barely buy a few crumbs of bread to feed my children.

My main goal with this donation is to protect my children, my wife, and our scaredy cat and evacuate them to a safe place away from the ongoing wars. The funds will be used to cross the Egyptian border and bring basic needs and treatments to create a more stable conditions for my family. Approximately $18,000 will be allocated for travel expenses, and around $6,000 for securing suitable housing for a couple of months.

As for the medical treatment costs, the exact figure will be determined after undergoing examinations in hospitals in the Arab Republic of Egypt & it gonna be in average $8,000. The remaining amount ($8,000) will be used to establish a small project to sustain our daily living, enabling me to provide for my children and wife.

Look at what happened to my children because of the intense heat and the insects that thrive in the summer season. Every day, I take them to the hospital to treat them due to poisonous insect bites. I implore every kind-hearted soul to help me protect my children.

My son, Abdul Rahman, has a deep passion for playing football and is a devoted fan of Real Madrid. He always dreamed of playing football at his school, but the war prevented this dream from coming true.

Where are you, Real Madrid fans ?

Help Abdul Rahman achieve his dream.

I feel very sad and embarrassed to ask for help, but I have no other options left. I know that this request is difficult, but I also know that there is still humanity and living consciences and I believe in miracles.

If you have any inquiries or questions, feel free to ask me, please!

"I urgently appeal to you for moral and financial assistance to cover the necessary costs to escape to a safe environment, where we can build a secure future for our children and ensure the safety of our family. We thank you for your concern and support, and we hope that you can help us in these difficult circumstances."

Sincere greetings & thanks

Mohammed & the family

[pixiedustjellicle]

I have such a difficult time connecting with the Cats community now. Part of me feels like maybe I'm too old for the current fandom(I don't feel old, but I'm certainly not 19 anymore). Or that perhaps it's because I don't much care about ships. Sometimes I worry that I intimidate people, and I'd hate that. Let me introduce myself and how Cats has shaped my life, and maybe I can find my people?

I first saw Cats at a tiny local theatre when I was eight. I fell in love with it, and even though I didn't have the movie yet, I spent months afterwards with just the poem book and highlights album. Eventually I got the 98 VHS too- and then another local theatre put it on when I was ten! I got to see it twice there. And afterwards, I made up my own attempt at a costume, turned our spare room into my attempt at the set, and put some chairs in there to put on the highlights show for some friends of my mother. The CD was worn out, I went on with the show, and they even gave me a card and a new CD afterwards- the London 2 disc set! Looking back, I think how embarrassing it probably was, but I was so happy and proud of myself in the moment. Two more years later, US Tour 5 came through Nashville, and I got to go and stagedoor for the first time. I wore a tail I made and one of the actresses told me I had a perfect Bombalurina tail twirl. For all those years, I worked Cats into school projects, I drew nothing else. My mom put up with it for so long, and I still thank her to this day.

And then I went into middle school. New school, new students, and I started getting bullied for it. I found other musicals I didn't get bullied for- Phantom, Wicked, and Sweeney- to latch onto, and I kinda put Cats in the back of my head. I still loved it, but my hyperfixation had waned thanks to mean kids, and other than occasionally watching the 1998 movie, I didn't think much of it for years.

But the US Tour 6 announced a date in Nashville. I hadn't seen the show in eight years, and I wasn't about to miss it. I had already started taking an interest in cosplay, but I'd never made a costume like that. I remembered admiring the CCDB as a kid though, and I told myself I was totally capable of making my own, just to go see the show in costume. And I did.

And the cast were SO sweet, and I started finding Cats fans on Instagram. I thought I could do better on the costume, so when the show stopped in Chattanooga a couple months later... I did it again.

The pandemic hit and I lost my job. Immediately I started getting work making Cats cosplays for others, and I haven't stopped since. And when the show resumed, I made an overnight trip to Memphis to dress up again!

And then, I saved until I could finally go see the Royal Caribbean production (front row all three performances), and got to cosplay on the cruise and get a picture on stage with the cast! This was absolutely everything to me, especially seeing the original choreography as opposed to the revival. I definitely cried. (I'm in the middle bottom row!)

I've gotten to make some costume pieces for three regional productions of Cats, in the Dominican Republic, Atlanta Georgia, and most recently Georgetown Texas. I've won some local cosplay contest with my costumes, too! And I'm lucky enough to own a few original pieces- though I've had to part with some too.

My love for this show has spanned just over 17 years now. I adore the story, the costumes, the choreography, the sets, and the characters. It's part of how I learned I am autistic. It's given me confidence I didn't know I could find. And every time I get to see it live, I feel like I'm where I belong. The fandom has felt quiet. And I'm not sure if that's just because I don't know where I fit in? So here's hoping I can find my tribe.

Favorite productions: Original Broadway, Moscow, and Mexico 2013/2018

Favorite Cats: Jemima/Sillabub, Bombalurina, Demeter, Munkustrap, Tumblebrutus, Jellylorum

Favorite songs: Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats, The Song of the Jellicles and the Jellicle Ball, Macavity

Favorite cats to cosplay: Etcetera and Victoria

[david-talks-sw]

The fact that Dave Filoni called Anakin “the greatest Jedi ever” is proof that he’s bias AF. His anti-Jedi rhetoric is bupkis.

I wonder if he means "the greatest" in terms of in-universe fame...?

Dunno if this is the case in Canon (then again Dave Filoni blatantly ignores any *non-motion* transmedia elements in Canon so meh), but in Legends he's:

"Anakin Skywalker, the Hero with no Fear™, handsome, dashing, the face of the Republic's army during the Clone War, the only Jedi who tried to resist the nefarious Order's coup and was treacherously murdered for it".

And I seem to remember that, in Canon, he's like the Jedi Temple's superstar anyway, every Jedi recognizes him on sight. I mean, that line from Baylon about "Anakin speaking highly of Ahsoka" must have some meaning beyond artificial personal stakes.

So from a fame and a "power level" standpoint... sure.

He's the greatest.

I'm giving Filoni the benefit of the doubt.

While I've talked about why Filoni's entire headcanon about the Jedi doesn't track with what George Lucas' intended narrative, I think it's worth acknowledging that Filoni's bias comes from part of his duties while directing The Clone Wars was.

One of the goals of TCW was humanizing Anakin, expanding upon his character make him go from "a character whose only purposes is to embody the themes presented in three movies based on the matinee serial format" to a relatable person, a good man, the hero Ben mentions to Luke in A New Hope.

I think it's normal that he'll see Anakin in a more positive light.

Also (and full disclosure this is just me theorizing I am no authority on any of this so if turns out I'm wrong just come right out and say so)...

I'm pretty sure that Filoni, Lesley Headland and most of the recent Star Wars authors are all Gen X, raised by baby boomers forced to conform to society, obey authority and have proper decorum (boys don't cry!) all of which they strove to rebel against. Add to that the corruption they witnessed growing up and coming out of high school, and you see a kind of jadedness emerge. "The rules aren't as black and white, the world is grey."

So while most of them and the boomers despised the Prequels upon release, a few of them projected a more individualistic headcanon onto those movies that fit with where their head was, at the time.

As such: Anakin isn't interpreted by them as a cautionary tale about what happens when you're greedy. He's a misunderstood rebel, a non-conformist who has his flaws but is ultimately good at heart. Which isn't entirely inaccurate, but it is very clearly an embellishment of a character who will one day become a space nazi.

The fact is... the Prequels were made by a boomer. One with very liberal values and who was himself a rebel, but a boomer all the same. The whole point of his story is...

"we all must come together and fight as one, if push comes to shove; we must all be compassionate and selfless if we are to survive; don't be greedy, let people go when it's their time to leave".

And then he makes the Jedi say that, making them beacons of truth and good and compassion in his fairy tale, now aimed at Gen Z kids.

Gen X-ers hear/read that and project all the boomer BS they had been told onto the Jedi...

"oh, so the Jedi are saying you shouldn't love yourself, you shouldn't be yourself, you should give up on what makes you an individual to fit in, you shouldn't feel any emotions"

Because nobody is that good, realistically, right?

This happened in other mediums. The one that comes to mind on the spot is the relationship between Mufasa and Scar.

In The Lion King, Mufasa is strong and noble, Scar is weak and conniving. Simple enough. Around that same time, in A Tale of Two Brothers, young Mufasa is shown to be pretty nice with Taka (Scar), who is framed as a spoiled brat to begin with.

Skip to the 2019 remake, and it's hinted Mufasa gave Scar his wound, and in The Lion Guard they explain that Scar got his nickname from Mufasa mocking him for a misadventure.

He went from being a noble king to a bully who had it coming, Scar is an underdog who got picked on. Because again: nobody is that pure, right? Fairytales be-damned.

Nothing is black and white, it's all grey.

So yeah, long story short I do think that Filoni being part of the generation that wasn't the target demographic but was old enough to retcon the crap out of the Prequels also plays a role into his view of Anakin.

[qsycomplainsalot]

Recently the French news cycle has been dominated by us patting ourselves on the back from refusing a racist law project from some dickhead in parliament, and a frankly shameful debacle where a teacher took their students to the Louvre and took them without warning to see a painting featuring naked people, with the students being eleven to twelve years old in that context. I invite you to read about it yourself although you should keep in mind that a lot of sources show a very strong bias in their language describing the event.

What we see with that whole nonsense is that 130y after Alfred Dreyfus' trial, we still have the proceedings over controversial facts and statements be ruled over by some clique with obvious conflicts of interest passing judgement by telling us that no everything's fine we swear, it's the minorities that we need to worry about. A teacher shows artistic nudes to 12yo's with no warning but no no it's their fault you see, and the fault of their religion, this eternal enemy of the Republic (except when it's fairweather catholicism)/s. The students complain that this is part of a pattern of hostility from said teacher, but it's okay because the teachers tell you that it's not. And now the minister of education wants to punish the students. Classy.

It's honestly not hard to see a pattern of abuse towards these kids and we don't need to have this teacher personally involved in it either, because if even a single student in this class was Muslim, or Jewish, or literally any other religion than Christian, there are laws that should be unconstitutional in nature that already bars them from even harmless outward displays of their religion, because of a fundamentally moronic, stunted understanding of what secularism and the separation of church and state was about. It was supposed to stop discrimination, but instead it hits on the head any and everything that might stick out to a white Christian point of view with absolutely no self-reflection on how hypocritical it is. France has had a deeply religious culture for as long as it existed, our national myth STARTS with our people's conversion to Christianity, but because it is our culture and we're used to it we do not see it, we do not question it, and any attempt to point it out is an attack on the values of the Republic, you filthy non-assimilated foreigners. Ignore over half of our holidays being literal Christian holy days, all of our stores legally having to close on sundays and wearing cross pendants in school literally never being prosecuted, we're so fucking secular it's beautiful.

Mind you this is borderline irrelevant in this context though, because a teacher decided to shoulder the responsibility to show nudity to children, not all of whom were Muslims and they were obviously made uncomfortable by the experience. There's probably an age at which one can expect students to look at tits in a painting and be able to contextualize them with their art history lesson, I'm going to be honest though it's not gonna be twelve years old. Reframed without the racist "their obscurantist beliefs can't handle our beautiful art of chubby ladies in what I can only assume are poses an Italian man four hundred years ago thought were sexy", it's not an attempt against the sanctity of the republic not to show tits to children without warning them and their parents. But apparently some fucking dullard did a dumb, and rather than address it or any of its systemic issue the French education system is circling the wagon and shitting on its students twice as hard.

“At French schools, we do not challenge authority, we respect it! At French schools, we do not contest secularism, we respect it! ! At French school, we don't look away from a painting, we don't cover our ears in music class, we don't wear religious dress, in short, in French schools we do not negotiate the authority of the teacher nor the authority of our rules and our values!”.

--Gabriel Attal, French minister of education/Macron simp, showing how becoming minister at age 34 might be a bad idea and an indictment to the institution you claim to represent by ignoring the past some two hundred and forty years of French history.

"Shut up and do as we say, after all the French system as an impeccable record of mediocrity so clearly we're doing everything to merit your obedience !!"

I cannot stress this enough, kids this age are NOT COMFORTABLE WITH NUDITY AND SEXUAL THEMES, it is not a purely religious thing and not all kids who complained were Muslim. The school and media are brushing over that because it doesn't fit their racist framing job, because it would not be convenient for them to report the news accurately because it would expose how the education system in France is rotten from top to bottom, from underpaid teachers who stopped giving a shit all the way to a political appointee minister who couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the heel.

[st-peculiar]

Kepler hcs. I’m doing this for you guys (I’m a liar. I have too many thoughts about him.)

-the biggest one for me is that he’s black/African American and I can honestly do a whole post about this hc specifically because it’s just too good. Maybe I will if I come up with a good starting point

-hates velvet. Awful texture

-had thought about owning a beehive at one point in his life

-gets way too impulsive when he’s bored. Just fucking look at the trivia list on his wiki page. Man probably climbed Mount Everest at least twice. Has made a stupid amount of impulse purchases on his company card.

-had a good relationship with both of his parents and this is important to how I see Kepler’s past and how he grew up and into who he became during canon

-he never told his old band mates why he left so to them, he just evaporated one day never to be seen again until they saw a news article about him fucking dying on a space mission. That led to the question of “who the fuck was our bari sax player and how did he get to space”

-enjoyed bugs as a kid. His mother called him bug as a nickname. Does not like ants, however. (I’m projecting. Leave me alone.)

-was on his high school wrestling team, one of the top players in his weight class

-world history was his favorite subject, I’ve got no reason for this. Gut instinct

-likes Chuck Berry’s music.

-wanted in multiple countries under multiple aliases, including (but not limited to) Canada, Guatemala, Chile, the Republic of Kongo, Morocco, Jamaica, Mongolia, New Zealand, Pakistan, and Seychelles. There are stories accounting for all of these.

-would probably get a kick out of the book House of Leaves. One of a few select books he would reread on occasion.

-he likes ikea only to walk around in. Never buys anything.

-was raised in a Christian majority community but never really believed in God. As a teen, he was pretty conflicted over it until he shoved all that down and forgot about it for the most part. The last time he thought of God was when, well. Yknow.

-owns a vintage record player that he repaired by hand with some help from Maxwell and Jacobi.

-while he owns just about every suit in existence, he primarily wears only one pair of formal shoes. Something something metaphor for how he views himself as a person something something

-the only personal effects in his Goddard office is a photo of him, Maxwell, and Jacobi on the bookshelf and a copy of Little Women, well worn (secondhand from his mother)

-very good cook. He took multiple cooking courses in his free time on his travels and picked up on a lot of local tips and tricks.

-favorite book ever is The Martian Chronicles by Ray Bradbury. It was the only extra item he brought with him onto the Urania. He uses a copy of the group photo as a bookmark.

I’ll post a Maxwell hc version tomorrow because I’m sleepy

[auguste-marmonts-only-fan]

Did Marmont live with Junot at a certain period of time? If so, when and why? Sounds like Junot had multiple of men living with him at different time periods during the Republic.

Yes Marmont and Junot lived together during the time period of 1795-96 (?). They were roommates in Paris and where planing on freeing Boney from prison lol. I think they lived together becouse of manging costs and becouse they have known each other since theyer school years (went to the same academy)

When 9 Thermidor arrived and Robespierre was overthrown, France was relieved of tyranny; but a reaction will take place, because, in these times of execrable memory, we only emerge from one excess to fall into another. Everything that had appeared in connection with the crushed party must tremble: Robespierre the younger having, through a feeling of false generosity, voluntarily followed the destiny of his brother, Bonaparte, because of his connections with him, was considered criminal by the victors, and the new representatives, including Albitte, arrived in the army of Italy, suspended him from his functions, ordered his arrest and his sending to Paris. Temporarily placed in the custody of three gendarmes out of consideration for his services and out of respect for the opinion established about him, it was decided that he would remain like this until his departure: but departure meant death, and we were determined to prevent it. Among the accusations against him, his trip to Genoa was cited: he soon justified himself by making known the purpose and providing proof that this trip had been ordered to him. He moved heaven and earth: Salicetti was favorable to him and helped to save him. After eight or ten days of anguish, he was released and returned to his duties. Its sending to Paris having been very probable, we were determined to prevent it at all costs, given its infallible consequences. The moment departure was ordered, we were to, Junot, his aide-de-camp, myself and a man named Talin, kill the gendarmes if they offered resistance, and go to the region of Genoa with him. All arrangements were made, but the execution of this project was not necessary. While dealing with these arrangements, I was struck by this caprice of fate which made us regard as our asylum and our only means of salvation this same place whose hospitality had been used by us, very recently. , to plot his own ruin.

Edit: I just now realized that I OVERSIMPLIFIED this a lot 😅, sorry for that but Snowv88 worded it wonderfully in their reblog of my post!

Their content is amazing and more people should check them out ����

Xoxo 😘

[kifaya]

Hello, My name is Mohammed, and I'm from Gaza. I am not a robot or a scammer. The war in Gaza has left me with devastating memories and unbearable pain. I lost my parents and siblings in horrifying moments, and my life is now filled with tears and agony. I sustained severe injuries to my leg, and every passing day I feel the threat of losing it due to the lack of necessary treatment. 😭 My beloved wife is suffering from uterine cancer and has not been able to receive chemotherapy sessions since the beginning of the events in Gaza. My innocent children live in constant fear and anxiety, and I cannot bear to see their tear-filled eyes. I humbly and hopefully request your donation of $5 or more to treat my leg, save my wife's life, and secure the future of my children. Every passing minute increases our suffering and pushes us closer to the edge. My story is documented under the number 192, and my information is verified. You can verify this by requesting any information you need. Please donate and share my story with others. My wife, children, and I are waiting for your prayers and support with broken hearts and hanging hopes. Thank you very much.

Hi Mohammed! Of course I'll share

Mohammed is from Gaza, he's 32YO, he's married and he's the father of  three children: Abdulrahman, 6 years old, Sarah, 4 years old, and Lina, 3 years old.

Mohammed lost his mother, father, and four sisters who were killed in a bombing, and is now living in tents with his remaining family members, his wife and three young children. he was seriously injured in his foot and it may need to be amputated, but he doesn't care if he loses his foot he just doesn't want to lose his family.

His wife has uterine cancer but hasn't been able to get treatment recently because the genocidal israeli army has destroyed health centers. His children are suffering from infectious diseases spreading throughout gaza, and the little medical treatment available is very expensive.

Mohammed suffers from chronic asthma and severe attacks from tightness and an extreme allergy, and needs meds that are not available, or very expensive. His family lost their home, but they're still there and he's trying to protect them with all he has.

"My main goal with this donation is to protect my children, my wife, and our scaredy cat and evacuate them to a safe place away from the ongoing wars. The funds will be used to cross the Egyptian border and bring basic needs and treatments to create a more stable conditions for my family. Approximately $18,000 will be allocated for travel expenses, and around $6,000 for securing suitable housing for a couple of months. As for the medical treatment costs, the exact figure will be determined after undergoing examinations in hospitals in the Arab Republic of Egypt & it's gonna be in average $8,000. The remaining amount will be used to establish a small project to sustain our daily living, enabling me to provide for my children and wife.

My son, Abdul Rahman, has a deep passion for playing football and is a devoted fan of Real Madrid. He always dreamed of playing football at his school, but the war prevented this dream from coming true.

Where are you, Real Madrid fans?

Help Abdul Rahman achieve his dream."

THIS CAMPAIGN IS VETTED

[partisan-by-default]

Way back when I was a mere egg, I knew a woman who was a member of the John Birch Society. She had grown up in London during the blitz and so she was rabid in her politics. Or maybe there was some other reason. But one day, she said (speaking of the Democratic president) that tr@itors should be lined up and sh0t.

I'm not an advocate of the death penalty, although there are times when I find it difficult to object. For instance, if Hitler had been captured, a prison sentence would have allowed his followers to treat him as a martyr, just as there were those who believed Manson was a martyr. (No, he was not.)

If and when the convicted felon is jailed, his followers will insist he's a victim of a conspiracy and blah blah blah.

But ... they would go even crazier if the above-mentioned consequences were imposed.

Put that aside for the moment.

Right now, we are facing the culmination of a decades long plan to deliver the US government into the hands of a dictatorship. It began with the John Birch Society, it was the goal of the so-called "new right" that backed Ronald Reagan's residency in our White House. Over time, they targeted school boards, the judiciary, state and federal elections, and more. They gave Rupert Murdoch a free pass to sow divisiveness with his propaganda spewing Fox News.

And the ascendancy of the perpetraitor gave them the opportunity to fill the supreme court with their own people who no longer believe in the sanctity of our Constitution.

This isn't an accident. It's a plan. The Heritage Foundation's Project 2025 is the open admission of their immediate goals. After they gain complete power, the real nightmare begins. It's not just tax cuts for the rich. It's about punishing the poor and looting the middle class.

Prices will go up. The national debt will go up. The economy will stagger.

They will add all kinds of restrictions on the rights of trans people. They will end marriage equality and pass restrictions on LGBTQ+ families. Adoption rights will end. Abortion will become federally illegal. There will be no place for asylum seeking immigrants. Mass deportations have been promised. An end to birthright citizenship is on the table. Tariffs on foreign goods will be disastrous for the global economy and the domestic economy as well.

Oh, and the convicted felon will seek revenge on all of his political enemies. Does that sound familiar? That's what the nazis did. Because he will legitimize and normalize hate, hate crimes will go up.

Our support for Ukraine will end. Our support for NATO will end. He will be taking orders from Putin.

And any attempt to end his power will be seen as traitorous and his puppet judges will do as he commands.

He wants absolute power and if he gets back into our White House, he will use his executive authority to end our democratic republic.

No, I am not an alarmist -- I'm listening to his words and the words of his followers and enablers. They've published their plans. That's their agenda. And this time around, they'll be better able to accomplish it.

[mysandwichgiver]

OPINION

Our democracy is much more frail than Biden

by Will Bunch | Columnist

Published July 2, 2024, 12:04 p.m. ET

Do newspaper columnists know that democracy’s closer to death than Biden?

One of the first things they teach doctors in medical school is the imperfect but necessary art of triage, the technique used on a battlefield or during some other mass-casualty event to determine who is most gravely wounded and who needs immediate attention during a crisis when the system is overwhelmed, and clear-headed thinking will save lives.

Clearly, this is not something that is taught in journalism school.

Over the course of a remarkable weekend, I saw the best minds of my boomer generation destroyed by madness — newspaper columnists and other big shots convinced they were cosplayers in a real-world episode of The West Wing, saving America by giving chief of staff Leo McGarry the best words to convince an ailing President Bartlet that it’s time to step down.

The soft clacking of these keyboard commandos turned into a stampede as the nation’s pundits, its editorial-page poobahs, mega-rich but anonymous donors, and Democratic horse whisperers competed to outdo each other on The Daily Rip or in “the paper of record,” or wherever they thought the actual frail president, Joe Biden, might be paying attention.

Dropping names — Whitmer! Shapiro! Warnock! — like a groupie backstage at a heavy-metal concert, floating wildly implausible scenarios, stretching so hard for historical analogies that several probably blew out a hamstring, America’s pundit class managed to achieve a level of groupthink that surpassed the brainwashers of The Manchurian Candidate. All argued that for the good of the country he loves, Biden — hoarse, barely audible, and visibly confused a few times during Thursday’s Atlanta presidential debate — must immediately end his candidacy.

Meanwhile, in the actual America that less resembles The West Wing than the disaster flick Don’t Look Up, two comets simultaneously bore down on America in the hours leading up to its 248th — and possibly last — birthday as a democratic republic.

First, there is Donald Trump — desperate to avoid his sentencing for his 34 felony convictions, firing off racist insults about “Black jobs” and “bad Palestinians,” and carrying around a 900-page blueprint for American dictatorship called Project 2025 — streaking into the cosmic void of our troubled republic.

Meanwhile, don’t look up but a thoroughly corrupt and compromised Supreme Court is blazing a second trail toward American autocracy. In a flurry of body punches over the last several days, the nation’s highest court gutted the federal government’s ability to regulate fat-cat corporate polluters or stock swindlers, but said poor folks who sleep outside because there’s nowhere else to go can be arrested. Then, with a fierce right hook, it issued a 6-3 partisan ruling that will help Trump — who appointed three of them — evade justice while placing all future presidents above the law.

Justice Sonia Sotomayor, one of the three liberal naysayers, read her blistering minority opinion from the bench Monday morning, arguing that the court’s finding that a president performing official acts can be immune from criminal prosecution “effectively creates a law-free zone around the president, upsetting the status quo that has existed since the founding.” She ended with the words, “with fear for our democracy, I dissent.”

I wish Justice Sotomayor had the bandwidth and the energy to work a second shift as editorial page editor at one of our major newspapers.

At Time magazine (yes, it still exists), the cover of its new issue contained just one word, “Panic” — not at the prospect of an American dictator with the seeming power to have the military assassinate his enemies, but at Biden’s health. At the New York Times (yes, it still exists), an editorial board that considered it pointless, or whatever, to call for Trump to leave the race after those 34 felony convictions — as well as the civil rape and financial fraud verdicts and the two impeachments and three other pending indictments — made its grand pronouncement that it’s Biden who must go. Other papers jumped on the bandwagon, including the swing state Atlanta Journal-Constitution, which in the 1950s and ‘60s won Pulitzers for its courage in taking on Southern racists before deciding instead to appeal to their grandchildren.

And look, I’m not going to argue that Biden’s health is not an issue. His debate performance was troubling, but I also think those of us determined not to see Donald Trump become president again should take a deep breath — even if that’s not the clickbait headline that many are eager to write. Biden needs to do more to assure the public about his energy level, and we also need to see the polls. Any decision should be based on the paramount thing — the thing that should be getting 72-point headlines: stopping dictatorship. As Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson wrote Monday in her dissent, this is a “five-alarm fire that threatens to consume democratic self-governance.”

The power of Monday’s dissents by Jackson and Sotomayor form quite the contrast with the speculative flights of fancy about a brokered convention in Chicago, which, it’s worth noting, have largely come from white male boomer types. Many Black and brown and female voices, on the other hand, are urging Biden to stay as the only realistic hope — warts and all — of beating Trump in November. Maybe people who in one way or another know the horror of being treated as a second-class citizen understand the risk of dictatorship in a way that white dudes who’ve always been OK do not.

Most journalists want to be seen as savvy (or not naïve, essentially the same thing) and influential. Many editorial writers and columnists are still hurting from the fact that Trump was elected in 2016 with zero major print endorsements. They think calling for Trump to drop out would make them look foolish now that the Republican Party has devolved into a dangerous cult. But a demand for Biden to drop out might actually happen — so that’s savvy, right?

Except maybe the dangerous cult is the more important crisis, especially when it carries a printed guide to dictatorship and holds six justices in its back pocket. To focus on the actual threat we are facing, I wish America’s top pundits would spend less time watching reruns of The West Wing and maybe pick up a copy of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich.

The reality of what’s happening in July 2024 — that an authoritarian-minded president, with help from a politicized and unethical Supreme Court, is on track to lead a nation where all power is being vested in him, his MAGA movement, and the corporate polluters — is THE story, and Biden’s health is a subplot in that drama. The current president is walking slowly, but it’s the American Experiment that’s on a ventilator. Journalists aren’t doing their job: performing basic triage and focusing on the sickest patient in the room. With fear for our democracy, I dissent.

[ohello0]

In honor of Women's History Month and International Women's Day, I would like to dedicate a post to ways we can help women around the world facing genocide and gender based violence. Below are a list of organizations and groups to donate to focused on bettering the lives of and providing direct aid to women and girls in areas of conflict. This is an evolving list/resource so I will gladly take suggestions or edit requests from anyone who knows of a verified group helping women and girls that could be added to this list.

Access to Menstrual Products and Repro Healthcare

Sudan, Palestine, DRCongo, Lebanon

Sudan

Periods don’t stop for war: For every $5 Donated a woman or girl in Sudan receives a menstrual hygiene kit for the month

Let's Talk Period: As disposable menstrual hygiene products are too expensive for most women, grassroots groups have popped up to make, distribute, and educate other women and girls on how to make their own reusable pads.

Sudan Charity Navigator: A list of charities including Doctors Without Borders and food assistance groups providing aid to Sudan

Darfur Women Action Group: DWAG advocates for the protection of civilians, promotes women’s leadership, provides elementary education for children in refugee camps, and provides trauma counseling for survivors of sexual violence

Amal for Women: Amal For Women was able to help people in Al-Jazeera state, Darfur and refugees in Egypt. GoFundMe/PayPal doesn’t release the funds raised until the 25th of March. Please consider donating to reach more people the rest of Ramadan and Eid. Other donation links and more info here

Palestine

Pious Projects: "At $20 each, this kit will include - but is not limited to - sanitary pads, a hair brush, tooth brush, toothpaste, cotton swabs, wipes, tissues, and other hygienic items depending on availability. Distributions will take place in various areas accessible to on-ground teams such as camps in Rafah and UN schools."

Anera: there’s a list of things certain amounts of money can get the people of Palestine, $10 can get a family a blanket for winter, $40 can provide hygiene kits that include menstrual products, and $75+ can get people a mattress and more

Arab.Org: Free daily clicks generate ad revenue that goes to UNRWA. This link in particular shows you a full list of specific projects in need of funds you can also give to with a click from poverty to the environment to a fund focused on women.

DRCongo

City of Joy: “The City of Joy is a transformational leadership community for women survivors of violence, located in Bukavu, Eastern Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC). Conceived, owned, and run by local Congolese, the City of Joy has flourished since it first opened its doors in June 2011, healing women from their past trauma through therapy and life skills programming while providing them with the essential ingredients needed to move forward in life – love and community.”

Panzi Foundation: “Every day, between 5 and 7 new survivors walk through our doors. For 20 years, we’ve not only mended each woman’s injuries, we’ve walked with them to healing—every step of the way.”

Lebanon

Global Giving | Days for Girls Lebanon: Health education and locally made washable menstrual kits to women and girls since 2011

Products for Babies and Children

Palestine, Yemen, Sudan, DRCongo

Palestine

Care For Gaza: The work Care For Gaza does is all-encompassing by necessity. From food to money packages to winter clothes to diapers for babies and disabled or elderly adults, Care For Gaza is an on the ground group providing direct aid to Gazans.

Yemen

Go Fund Me: Food Packs and Eid Gifts for the People of Yemen

Sudan

Human Appeal | Sudan Emergency Appeal: Funds orphanages, food, and baby formula

DRCongo

War Child: Tiered donations can provide children with school books, meals, and toys

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This is an evolving list/resource so I will gladly take suggestions or edit requests from anyone who knows of a verified group helping women and girls that could be added to this list.

[irithnova]

Sakha headcanon post - courtesy of my conversations with @topipaku !! Thank you 🙏

Huge huge film bro he loves discussing films and makes his own

I headcanon that he is very much like a lawyer when it comes to business stuff but this somewhat "strong headed/argumentative" mentality also extends to how he critiques certain films or goes about explaining them

His favorite type of film is comedy/horror and a lot of his own projects involves someone dying in some shape or form

You can blame his love of everything morbid on Even, Evenk and Yukaghir, who often (when he was younger) tell him some pretty spooky stories (such as the Even folk tale of a mother turning into a cuckoo because her children would not give her a helping hand)

In all honesty they probably told him those stories to try and scare him into behaving - well now he's just a huge horror fan

Sakha has told many of these same spooky stories to Dolgan when she was younger

Speaking of Dolgan - whilst she's grateful for the hand Sakha had in raising her, she wants her own identity outside of him. Often Dolgan people are just labelled as being Sakha

Really good friends with Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan because they are #Turkic but also because they like sharing their films/writing together - they screen each other's films in cinemas and in Kazakhstan, operas based on the Sakha "Olonkho" myth are being held.

Writers from Kazakhstan and Sakha signed a co operation agreement, and in Kyrgyzstan there is a monument dedicated to the Sakha politician and writer Maxim Kirovich

However - despite their love of sharing each other's writing, Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan are quite surprised at how often Sakha's stories end in death !

Kazakhstan often jokes to Sakha that he should become independent

I definitely think these three share a groupchat together

He has an inside joke with Buryatia about the both of them being Japanese or secretly being Japanese. This is because both Sakha and Buryat intelligentsia were accused of being spies for the Japanese Empire (by Russia) at the time

Needless to say, Japan is definitely shooting them questionable looks when he overhears them make that joke

I think these days he has a bit of friendly competition with Buryatia over who is the most popular/more relevant group in Siberia

Really likes rap music !!

His relationship with Mongolia is very funny - in Sakha there is something of a myth that the most powerful faction of Genghis Khan's army was comprised of Sakha soldiers.

In reality, Sakha was most likely a child during this time and the Sakha people were most definitely not a part of the Mongol army

I think Sakha and Mongolia are friendly but Sakha has a little bit of a fascination with Mongolia. There are Sakha artists such as Afanasy Osipov who paints scenes of Mongols, and there is a film called "The secret of Genghis Khan", and apparently the Republic of Sakha was the initiator of the filming process ?

Very big into wrestling - in fact he enjoys challenging Mongolia even if Mongolia doesn't really reciprocate. He doesn't care that Mongolia is technically an elder to him, he'll do it regardless !

He is good friends with Chechnya because of their shared love of wrestling

Good relationship with both North and South Korea, though these days he's closer to South Korea

A lot of North Koreans were sent to Sakha under the USSR and mined gold , with some staying to teach farming to the Sakha

There is a Sakha-Korean school in Sakha and there are people in Sakha who refer to themselves as being "Sakha-Koreans" - presumably from the North Koreans who were sent to Sakha

South Korea indulges Sakha on his love for films. There was an exhibition of Sakha films that were held in South Korea, and South Korea was the first to make an article about Sakha films

For a while, there were even direct flights from Yakutsk to a city in South Korea !

Sad that his films aren't really taken seriously on a more global scale :(

I'd say he's also good friends with Tuva as similar to Kazakhstan and Kyrgyzstan - both are Turkic and Sakha likes talking to people he relates to, especially as Siberia doesn't really have many Turkic groups

[lovelygirlnicole15]

Why I haven't updated my Au?

Oki so... This is something that I should've said a while ago, but I was way too busy with school and I barely remembered Tumblr existed, although I was planning to explain this last Friday, but I got the vomiting virus that has been around Dominican Republic through the past couple days (half of September to be fair).

So... I'm gonna go straight to the point.

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I've been losing interest on drawing THSC.

Yep, you heard it right, I've been lastly losing interest on drawing anything related to The Henry Stickmin Collection.

Although there's actually a good reason for this.

I've been planning to start my own projects that are originals from me.

That's right, no Aus for videogames (for now), just me and my creativity mind doing original ideas.

Although, this doesn't mean I'll stop loving THSC, I still love The Henry Stickmin Collection, I'm just losing the interest of drawing it.

But that doesn't mean I'll leave this wonderful fandom.

I'm just gonna stop uploading about my Au and focus more on original ideas by me.

[rockofeye]

Ogou, a project finally finished, and upcoming possibilities!

The calendar has gotten ahead of me, and here we are again on a jou fet/feast day for Ogou. It's been quiet around these parts for a minute (more on that below..), and it feels like that kind of timing that puts you in exactly the right place at the right moment. Funny how divine providence works.

If you've hung around for a minute, you know the story I'm going to tell. Maybe I sound like an old person who walked barefoot up a hill in three feet of snow to go to school, but it's something that stuck with me and it's something that really did change my life.

Today is St. George's feast day, which is a day given to at least one Ogou for most if not all vodouizan; it's probably one of few overarching pieces of sameness that you can find country-wide in Haiti. Ogou is central to Vodou; it was Ogou Feray and Ogou Je Wouj who sprang up during Bwa Kayiman and who stoked the revolutionary spark that made the first free Black republic a reality. He is probably more central than he is given credit for; he is certainly overlooked at times in favor of others.

I've had the grace to not be able to overlook Ogou. He made sure of that when he (among others) brought me to my spiritual mother and the lineage named after nasyon Nago, the family of Ogou.

He also made sure of that when I was careening down a very bumpy road towards kanzo. It was 8 years ago now (!!) that I was sitting in an apartment that I would end up abandoning not knowing how in the hell I was going to get everything in order for kanzo just a few months later. I didn't have the money, I didn't have the stuff I needed, I don't even think I had my passport at that point. I was in serious trouble, and I knew it.

So, I did what I could and sat and made a small service for Ogou. I bought what little I could put together, made it pretty, and presented it to him. In retrospect, it's kind of cute what I thought I knew and must have been like a small child presenting you with the product of their toils: the spiritual equivalent of a mud pie with dandelions stuck in it and a macaroni necklace.

But, I did it and I told Ogou that I knew I had made a promise, I knew that I was in trouble, and that I would do whatever he told me if it got me into the djevo. I lit the match and gave it to him, he set the fire and burned my life down.

Within two weeks, I abandoned the apartment I had and packed my car to make a couple of trips into Boston to live in a teeny tiny rented room that was close to my job that Ogou would direct me to quit. I sold my car, any possessions I had that were worth money, and took my stacked vacation time money from the job I quit, all while working up until a few days before I needed to fly to Haiti and hustling at night with whatever side gigs I could find. I bought my flights to/from Haiti before I prepared anything else or even had the money I needed in my hands because I figured that it would be pretty awkward if I had to fly to Haiti and just...hang out when I had been planning to kanzo all along.

It looked like things were going to work out. I was barely sleeping, but the money was coming in and I had the things I needed to go to Haiti with....but what would things be without a last minute twist?

Two days before I left for Haiti, I found out that the way my rent was going to be paid while I was in Haiti fell through. So, I spent two days moving what I could into a friend's basement and abandoned the rest of my belongings, again. I had some boxes, a couple bags of clothes, my suitcase to go to Haiti with...and that's it. Everything else was gone, and I found myself in an airport unsure of where I was going when I got back.

I made it to Haiti after delayed and canceled flights and some crying in a corner, and the rest is history. Ogou (and all my lwa) held me up during the process, and held me up afterwards while he helped me rebuild the life I gave him to burn down. Literally everything I have now descends from the hands of Ogou and my lwa. Career and professional success, home, relationship, spiritual opportunities...all of it down to the last little piece. Nothing is without his/their influence, and my life has become worth living because of it. He saved me, and it all really started on this day 8 years ago. It's been a wild ride the last 12 years with the lwa, and I genuinely couldn't ask for anything better.

'Gratitude' is not a sufficient word because it cannot encompass how I hold all these things inside of me. It is beyond language and verbalization, and when I find myself in front of Ogou and wanting to thank him yet again for all that he has done for me, words are insufficient. I look at him kind of despairing to explain, and he just nods. He knows.

And here I am. Like I said, a wild ride. I looked at a calendar the other day and it really has been 12 years since I got dropkicked into Vodou. So much has happened and so much is to happen and to become. I am not yet the reflection of what I believe the lwa want for me, but I do believe I am climbing closer each day.

I've been pretty occupied in the last year with big stuff; I wrote previously about the completion of my husband's immigration process FINALLY which has him in the US with me permanently (and back and forth to Haiti as life allows). After that, a rather large project occupied most of my time/energy.

Details about that and upcoming stuff behind the cut.

I keep a lot of things close to my heart and am careful about what I write about here, both for practical and esoteric reasons. I strive to be transparent and vulnerable in healthy ways, and yet maintain some semblance of privacy, especially for those closest to me, like my husband.

But we did a thing and it's such a big thing that it deserves a mention in the place where I have detailed some of the most important bits of my life. Presenting our first collaborative effort:

Bondye, all the lwa, and the power of our collective ancestors gave us the opportunity to bring this soul and newest ancestor into being. We are happy to have our little potato with us. This is what has kept me so quiet here; pregnancy is not for the weak and it was a ride I, your friendly neighborhood gender non-conforming houngan, never thought I would take....and yet life with the lwa brings new twists and turns and beautiful gifts. I was deadset on never having children of my own, and here I am with a little potato.

This has opened a wide new world for me and boy have the lwa had a lot to say before and after the potato arrived. They are a tiny pitit Ginen and the lwa have been clear that we can never forget that.

So...there's that. It's funny, but being the caretaker of a potato that the lwa are deeply invested in brings me back to why this blog was started in the first place: I was having experiences that I did not see reflected anywhere, so I decided to write it all down.

I am not the first parent in the world, of course, and absolutely not the first vodouizan to bring forth a child...but again I don't find anyone else with my particular constellation of experiences having a similar experience. This time, at least, I have plenty of people to call and chat with when I have questions about the intersection of Vodou and the potato.

I expect some of it will make it here and some won't. My rule about writing about people that are close to me is that they get to consent about what details I share. When I write about my (human) husband, I share it with him before it posts. As the potato has not yet developed the capacity for consent, what is presented about them will be limited. Their face won't make it onto Tumblr or any other platform or social media I write on, and personal details will remain as neutral as I can make them. If you are one of the folks who knows me in an offline kind of way, I'd ask you to respect that as well.

Other things:

Tomorrow, I will have a post about an upcoming opportunity to celebrate Kouzen. I had hoped to have something put together for his actual fet day on the 1st, but like November is given over to Gede, all of May is Kouzen's month. Look for details tomorrow.

By next week, I will be live on Medium. This will allow folks to get my long-form posts directly in their email or via the feeds they use elsewhere. My long-form posts will continue to be posted here, and I will continue to answer questions and interact with posts here.

Website is coming!

I am toying with launching some online educational opportunities and have some specific plans, but would also like to hear what folks are interested in having live educational opportunities on. I'll post separately about that as well.

My husband is launching his atelier, expect posts about what he has available as well!

So...how are you?

[samkiszkasfacialhair]

Amongst The Stars

Amongst the Stars (The Final Version)

Pairing: Jake Kiszka and Female Reader

Summary: A coming of age story about Jake Kiszka’s first love.

This is a one year anniversary republication of Amongst the Stars. This version includes revisions, edits, new cover art, deleted scenes, extras, and an alternative ending.

Warnings: Mentions and scenes of teenage drinking, marijuana use, sex, sexual situations, sexual acts, oral sex (m. receiving), the word slut, slut shaming, lack of eating and sleeping, vomiting, self hate, mentions of pregnancy.

Word Count: 50k

October 2013, Senior Year of High School:

“Project time!” your English teacher chimed out to the class. Groans and sighs erupted throughout the room. You didn’t mind though. School was school. Besides, English was your best subject. You’d always been relatively smart and once you got the hang of it, analyzing literature came easy to you. 

Your teacher explained the concept of the project and then continued with the instructions. 

“I’ll make it easier for you guys, I’ll allow you to work in pairs.” 

Everyone around the room started looking at each other. You exchanged looks with your best friend. You figured you’d work with her. 

“But I’m choosing the pairs,” he said in a somewhat sinister tone.

The groans and sighs from the class continued. You kissed working with your friend goodbye.

He started off on his list of names.

 “Jake Kiszka and,” he dragged out the “and” particularly long, “Y/N.” 

You knew it.

Jake wasn’t exactly the best student and since you were, it was an obvious pairing. You couldn’t blame your teacher for putting you two together. You looked at your friend from across the room and gave her a little frown. She returned the same face to you. 

You’ve known of Jake since you were little. Frankenmuth was a small town so everyone in your high school knew each other. Jake and his brother Josh were on your soccer team when you were seven. Josh was in your fourth grade class. You had a few classes with each of them here and there since middle school, but you never really cared too much about them. Josh was an absolute menace. He was a theater kid who did the morning announcements- pretty weird. Jake was always cooler, a little mysterious even. He had shaggy hair that perfectly covered his forehead and most of his eyes. You thought he was cute but you didn’t really have any reaction to having to work with him. It was what it was.

Class was dismissed and everyone was told to talk to their partners outside of class and have the project ready to present in exactly a week. You and Jake exchanged numbers and texted each other about when and where to meet. The two of you decided that you would go to his house to work on it. 

A few days later, Saturday:

Your mom dropped you off at Jake’s house at around 2 and you texted Jake that you were there. You and Jake planned to knock out the entire project in one day. It wouldn’t take long and you knew what you were doing, even if he didn’t. 

Jake opened the door and flashed you a smile as he greeted you. You walked into his house. It was cute. Very midwestern. Oak furniture was everywhere and pictures of his family lined the walls. You caught a glance at Jake’s school photos from throughout the years as well as his siblings’. 

He led into their dining room, which was attached to the kitchen, and you saw his school supplies sprawled out on the table.

“I share a room with my brothers so it’s probably best to work here,” he began. “But you’ll be happy to know that I actually read the book. Well I read most of it,” he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand and looked down. “The last couple chapters started to confuse me so I just looked up the ending online.” 

You could tell he felt bad about not exactly knowing the ending of the book you had a project on. Kind of embarrassed even.

You let out a light laugh, “It’s okay, I made an outline of everything. I’ll explain it to you.” 

He exhaled a sigh of relief and smiled. 

You both sat down and got to work. You explained the parts he didn’t understand and as you did, he looked right into your eyes and nodded his head as he followed along with your words. Damn he was cute.

As you worked on the project, Jake showed that he understood and put in a lot of unexpected work and ideas. By the time you were done, it was a little after 4 o’clock and you were both satisfied with it. Your mom was set to pick you up closer to 5 so you had some extra time to spare.

“So, now that you taught me something, can I teach you something?” Jake asked, smiling at you secretively.

“Okay what did you have in mind?” You replied as you folded your arms and rested your elbows on the table.

“Follow me.” 

He got up with you following behind him and stopped when he got to a door leading out of the kitchen. He looked back at you with his hand gripping the doorknob.

“I don’t know if you know this, but I play guitar. My brothers and I, we kind of have a set up in here. Don’t laugh, okay?” he looked up at you through his hair like a little kid who was about to tell a big secret. 

You nodded your head as a silent promise that you wouldn’t laugh. He turned the knob and opened the door, biting his bottom lip nervously. His eyes watched you to see your reaction to his little secret.

It was a garage. But Jake’s family’s garage wasn’t an average garage. This garage was filled with music equipment. The concrete floor was covered in Persian rugs, wires, and extension cords. There were multiple amps, a drum kit, 2 keyboards in the corner, a bass, microphones on stands, and a red guitar that was propped up perfectly in the middle of it all. 

The walls were lined with the usual snow shovels, rakes, and tools. There were storage containers and cardboard boxes stacked up in the corners with labels. There was also a couch, TV, and refrigerator too, like it was an extra room in the Kiszka home- an organized mess. 

Your jaw dropped in awe. You had never seen anything like it before.

“Woah” you said as he let you walk in front of him. You looked around the room for a minute, silently taking it all in. 

You looked back at him as he nervously looked at you, breathing shallow, and playing with the skin around his finger nails.

“Soooo, what do you think?” he finally asked.

“This is really cool. You guys have a band or something?”

“Yeah, kind of. Josh sings, Sam picked up bass last year and he does the piano sometimes. Sam’s friend Danny just started on drums with us- he’s good.” 

He picked up the red guitar gently. 

“But this. This is my baby. This is what I want to teach you.”

You reached out to touch it, it was smooth but cold from being in a not well heated garage in the middle of a Michigan October. He put his hand over yours as your fingers glided along the neck of the guitar and as he did, you sucked in a breath. 

You could feel his eyes on you. You pulled your hand away from the contact and nervously put both your hands in your back pockets. You looked down at the ground as Jake put the guitar back on the stand and knelt down to open a black case.

“Now, before you can play that one, you have to get the basics down. At least that’s what my dad told me.” 

He pulled out an acoustic guitar and sat down on the carpet with it in his lap; legs open, bent at the knees. He smiled and motioned with his head for you to sit down with him. 

“C’mere you can hold it,” he said.

You sat down in between his legs and he lifted the guitar over your head and onto your lap. He scooted himself closer to you. You felt his warm chest against your back. He grabbed your wrists gently and placed the left one to wrap around the neck with a “One hand here,” and the right one on the side of the body with “and here.”

He placed his chin over your left shoulder, resting it there lightly. You could feel his breath on you. He smelled amazing, a little cologne smell. Not too strong. Just the right amount. Your heart started beating a little quicker as you felt the insides of his thighs lightly touch the outsides of yours. 

He reached to the table next to him and grabbed a little black pick and put it between your fingers. Jake took your left hand and moved your fingers where he wanted them to be on the strings. He took your right hand in his hand and moved it with his to strum, letting the sound of a chord fill the room. You looked back at him, smiling.

“Pretty,” you said as you turned your neck around to look at him. 

There was a pause before Jake spoke.

“Yeah. Pretty,” he said quietly with his soft raspy voice almost in a whisper, as his eyes darted all over your face.

You turned your head back around, fighting back a smile so that he wouldn’t see. Your heart was fluttering. You had instant butterflies in your stomach. Who would’ve thought Jake Kiszka of all people would be making you feel this way? 

You had to admit, you’d always thought he was a little cute but he never seemed to have much going for him in life. Or so you thought. 

Jake broke the silence after a few seconds by clearing his throat. “Um, okay so here’s another one.” 

He moved your fingers on the neck a little bit to show you another chord. 

He continued, “And these two you can go back and forth with easily when you get comfortable with them.”

He guided your fingers in place as you played the two chords. His right hand still held yours to guide the strumming. He let go gradually as he saw you were getting more comfortable with the placements. 

He let out a little chuckle, “That’s it. You got it.” 

His fingertips just lightly shadowed your hand, barely touching. 

With his head resting on your shoulder, you looked back at him again but this time- your face only an inch away from his. 

“You want to try on your own?” he asked. 

You nodded and he scooted back to give you space to get up. You got up and sat back down across from him. Both of you sat criss-crossed. He placed his elbows on his knees and his hands formed fists under his chin. His guitar rested on your lap and you put your hands and fingers where he showed you. You strummed the first note and looked at him. He was fully smiling with his teeth, waiting for you to do the next one. You went for the second one but your fingers missed a placement, so the chord came out wrong. Both of you let out a little laugh at the wrong note.

“Um,” you said, trying to remember where to put your fingers.

He got up on his knees, moved toward you, and adjusted your fingers to put them in the right place. 

“Try now,” he said, pulling his hands away but still kneeling in front of you.

You strummed and it came out perfect after his help. 

“Beautiful,” he said.

You look up from the guitar to see him looking at you. His teeth tugged at his bottom lip. Your eyes darted from his eyes, to his lips. They were little but they looked soft. You saw Jake’s eyes dart around your face and stop at your lips for longer than normal. 

He looked back at your eyes and asked, “Can I… Can I kiss you right now?”

His eyes turned soft and you could tell he was nervous by the way his breathing was hitching. 

You nodded your head and started to lean into him. He did the same and closed the gap between the two of you. The kiss was slow and soft but over way too soon.

You both opened your eyes and pulled away, searching for something to say or do to make this less awkward. He looked down and smiled to himself and then he looked back at you.

“Um-“ he started to say.

“Do it again,” you whispered.

Jake breathed out and took your chin in his hand. He pushed it up just a little and connected again. This kiss was longer, but still as soft as the first one. You both began to deepen the kiss- going for more of each other. His lips were warm and wet. His lips moved perfectly with yours and sucked you in. He moved his hand to the back of your neck, pulling you in closer.

All of a sudden the garage door swung open and your eyes met a younger boy standing in the doorway.

“Jake! Mom said dinner is rea- oh shit,” his eyes were wide and he started to close the door, leaving quickly. “Shit, I’m sorry!”

Jake breathed out heavily and pulled away from you. His face turned a shade of pink as his hands dropped to his sides. 

“That’s my little brother, Sam,” he explained as he got up from the floor. 

He reached for the guitar and you handed it to him. He put it back in the case and buckled it shut. Jake extended a hand and pulled you up to your feet. 

“Sorry about him. I don’t think anyone really knows you’re here,” he said, tucking his lips into his mouth as his cheeks returned to their normal color.

“Do you want to stay for dinner?” he asked, “my mom wouldn’t mind.”

You looked at your phone, “Thanks but it’s okay-  it’s 5 o’clock. My mom will be here any minute.”

“I’ll walk you out,” Jake said as he started to lead you back inside the house. 

As you entered the kitchen again, you saw the entire Kiszka family in the kitchen and dining room, all fixing and situating themselves for their family dinner.

“Uh you guys this is Y/N. We had a project for school,” Jake spoke, loudly, so they could all hear him over their conversations. They all stopped what they were doing to greet you. Josh waved at you, remembering you from his classes throughout the years.

“What kind of project?” Sam asked, raising his eyebrows suggestively and smiling.

“Shut up,” Jake replied sternly as his eyes shot daggers at Sam, silently letting him know he shouldn’t elaborate.

“Do you want to stay for dinner, Sweetie?” his mom asked as she placed a bowl of pasta on the table.

“Thank you but my mom is here. Smells really good though!” you replied as you followed Jake towards the front door. 

“Nice to meet you!” Sam called out and let out a cackle as Jake opened the front door and closed it behind the two of you.

It was dark outside, just past sunset. You saw your mom’s headlights in front of his house through the trees and bushes. 

“So, I’ll see you at school then?” Jake asked as he rocked back and forth on his toes with his hands in his front pockets. 

“Yeah, just don’t forget to bring the project file on Monday,” you said.

“I won’t. Thanks for helping me with it.”

“It’s not like I had a choice,” you laughed, “thanks for teaching me guitar.”

“Yeah,” he began, a slight smirk appeared on his face, “and I’ll talk to Sam. You know, tell him not to say anything.”

“It’s okay. It’ll happen to him one day.” 

You both laughed and he pulled you in for a hug. The warmth of his body heated you up instantly. He pressed his lips to your cheek softly. You pulled back from the hug, looked at him, and smiled.

“See you Monday,” you said as you walked down the driveway.

He waited for you to get in the car before he headed back inside. He turned around and smiled to himself while also getting ready to kill Sam.

November 2013:

A month had passed since the kiss. You and Jake have talked a bit here and there- mostly through texts. You would pass each other in the hallways with smiles and waves. Whenever his name popped up on your phone screen, you got butterflies. 

You liked him and you knew it. But you wouldn’t ever admit it. Besides, girls always liked Jake. You were probably nothing but a number to him. 

You were working on homework one Friday night when you got a text from him. 

5:47 pm: My parents and siblings just went out. Wanna come over?

Your heart skipped a beat. Every time he texted you, it was a casual, friendly message. But this seemed different. This seemed like an invitation for something else. It made you nervous. 

5:50 pm: Sure :)

That was all you could even think to say. You didn’t want to question him or have any other potential reply come off weird. Sure, this whole thing with Jake made you nervous, but you were also excited. 

5:50 pm: I can come pick you up if you want.

5:51 pm: Okay, see you soon.

You sent Jake your address and in 15 minutes, the headlights of a white Jeep shone through the darkness of the night. 

You told your mom  you were going out with a friend and she was surprisingly okay with that. You walked over to the car and he reached over to open the door from the inside. 

“You have your license?” you asked as you hopped inside.

“No. But I have a permit and a pretty girl in the passenger seat right now so as long as you don’t tell, I won’t,” he said with a smirk on his face.

You bit your lip and you looked down at your hands in your lap as he started the drive back to his house. 

As he reached the first red light, he looked over at you. You didn’t look back but you felt his eyes on you and you could see a small smile that he was trying to hold back appear on his lips out of the corner of your eye. You looked over at him and met his gaze. The stoplight illuminated his face and casted shadows over his nose and his tired, sunken in eyes. He was beautiful. His features were just a little more feminine than Josh’s, but also manly at the same time. He balanced the two perfectly. 

“You look really nice tonight,” he said quietly. 

You smiled at him and whispered, “Thanks.”

The light turned green and he turned his attention back to the road to continue driving. Occasionally, you caught him looking over to you to catch a glimpse. 

“Well, you look nice all the time. But tonight especially,” he corrected himself.

Instantly you felt your stomach flip at his words. Something about him complimenting you brought you back to that moment in his garage last month. It was how his words were just a bit hesitant and how his voice was just above a whisper. It reminded you that you were in fact going back to his house with him now. Alone.

“You look really nice tonight, too,” you replied. 

“I try,” he replied jokingly.

He moved his hand onto the center console and tapped his fingers to the song on the radio as he drove. You looked at his fingers tapping. The veins at the top of his hand protruded as his fingers moved. 

You remembered the way his hand felt on top of yours while holding his guitar. His hands were rough and calloused from the guitar playing. But they were gentle at the same time. Again, perfectly balanced. 

The sound of his voice speaking brought you out of the daydream you were having.

“Your Touch,” he said.

“Hm?” 

“The song,” he said softly, “Your Touch, by The Black Keys.”

“Oh,” you replied as casually as possible, “You, uh, you like them?”

“Yeah,” he answered, “One of my favorites. You ever listen to ‘em?” 

You shook your head.

“No?” He responded as he looked over at you and raised his eyebrows, “Hm. Good to know.”

He held back a smile and turned his attention back to the road.  

You couldn’t begin to explain how or why but in that moment, something took over you. It was almost like Jake was a magnetic force, pulling you in.

You slid your hand on top of his softly and stopped his fingers from moving. You held his hand there for a moment, not really sure what to do next. He flipped his hand over so his palm was up and he wrapped his fingers around yours. He rubbed your hand with his thumb with his eyes glued to the road.

You smiled to yourself and tried to control your emotions. It was hard. Jake made it almost impossible. But Jake was easy to be with. Even though he made you excited and nervous, he was also very calming. 

The drive back to his house was quiet, but never awkward. When he pulled into the driveway of the dark, ranch house, you both got out of the car and you followed him inside. He took your coat from you and put it on a hook next to the door. 

“Want anything to eat? Drink? We have beer,” he asked, making his way towards the kitchen, flicking on light switches as he walked through the house. He pulled a beer from the refrigerator and held it up.

“Sure,” you replied. 

Jake grabbed another from the refrigerator and took the caps off both bottles. He handed you one and extended his bottle to you. You clinked the bottle necks together and each took a sip. 

“So where is everyone?” you asked as you leaned against the kitchen counter. You were genuinely curious as to why he was the only one home on a Friday night. 

“Sam had some honors awards ceremony. I told them I had homework.”

“Since when does Jake Kiszka do homework?” you asked, smirking.

“Since I got an A on an English project a month ago,” he replied, smiling at you with his head tilted. 

His expression turned just a bit more serious and he continued, “But you know, with them gone for the next hour, it gives us some time to hang out. Uninterrupted,” he said as he took a swig of the beer and didn’t break eye contact the entire time.

“Hm,” was all you could say before he walked towards you. 

He brushed past your side, beer in hand, and leaned into you to speak.

“Come on, I’ll show you around.”

He grabbed your hand, pulled you out of the kitchen, and down the hallway.

You followed him through the house and eventually down a hallway. He gestured towards doors and told you what was behind each one. Living room (which you’ve seen from afar before), basement, his parent’s room, sister’s room, and a bathroom. He stopped at the final door at the end of the hallway. 

“And this? This is my room,” he said as he opened the door and extended his hand for you to go through first. 

He flicked on the lightswitch to reveal a medium sized blue bedroom with three twin sized beds. Two on each side of the room and then one farther away, in a little corner carved out on the other side of a closet.

“Me, Josh, and Sam,” he said as he pointed at each bed. 

You could see how they each decorated their spaces differently. Josh had film posters, sketches, and photos all over the wall by his bed. He had a shelf cluttered with trinkets and ornately decorated boxes above the head of his bed.

Sam’s was the bed tucked away in the corner. He had posters of a lot of older artists, and a ton of books; all neatly organized in contrast to Josh’s. There was a tall dresser in between Sam’s little corner and the closet with a record player on top and a stack of vinyls piled high.

Jake’s space was cool. He had posters of artists that were more modern and well known than what was on Sam’s wall, with a few older ones in the mix too. Soccer trophies were propped on a shelf above the head of the bed. And the acoustic guitar you and Jake played was leaning against a nightstand that separated his bed and Josh’s bed. 

Jake sat down on his bed and put his beer on the nightstand. “So, what do you think?” 

“It’s nice. It’s very…you,” you replied.

“And what exactly is ‘very me?’” he asked.

“You know, interesting, cool,” 

“You think I’m cool?” 

“Well, yeah…”

“For what it’s worth, I think you’re cool too. I like you.”

The phrase I like you replayed in your head for a second. He liked you. He just said it. No one has ever said that to you before, at least not in the way Jake just did. In a romantic way. 

You felt your heart warm up a little and all you could do was smile at him shyly.

Jake placed his hand on the spot next to him on his bed, looked at it, and looked up at you with eyes that said Are you going to stand there or do you want to sit here next to me?

You let out a small laugh and sat down next to him. He took your beer bottle and placed it on the nightstand next to his. You looked at each other for a minute. Neither of you spoke, but your eyes wandered all over each other’s faces.

“So, do you want to pick up where we left off?” he asked, putting his head down but looking up at you with his hair covering most of his eyes. Maybe you weren't the only nervous one after all.

“Yeah, like you said- uninterrupted. Right?” you asked, smiling. 

He took your face in his right hand and rubbed your cheek with his thumb. 

You heard him let out “Yeah,” in a soft whisper that was barely audible. 

As he held your face, his rough fingers contrasted with your skin. He leaned in closer to you and you could feel your heart fluttering. He was close to you and the anticipation was killing you both. You had thought about doing this again since that day in the garage. It was practically the only thing you could think about for the past month. But you would never tell him that.

“Just tell me to stop and I will,” he whispered. 

You nodded and connected your lips with his. You brought your hand to the back of his neck and pulled him in closer, deepening the kiss. His hair tickled your cheeks as his jaw moved. His tongue traced over your bottom lip and you let him in. You let out a sigh and you felt him smile into the kiss. 

His mouth tasted like beer, spearmint, and a hint of something sweet that you couldn’t quite put your finger on, but you liked it. Almost chocolatey. 

Jake grabbed your waist and lowered you down on his bed, hovering over you. Your hands traveled up the sides of his body and along his back until you reached the back of his neck. You gave it a couple squeezes and flexed your fingers through the hair at the base of his neck. He had one hand supporting his weight on the bed and the other holding onto your hip bone. 

His lips wrapped around yours perfectly with every kiss and his tongue teased yours lightly every so often. The two of you continued like that for a few minutes. 

He broke away and smiled at you before lowering his mouth to your jaw and neck, leaving a trail of kisses as he got closer to your collarbone. He slid his tongue along the thin skin of it and started working his way back up.

“Jake,” you sighed.

He stopped, picked his head up, and looked at you.

“Are you okay? Is this okay?”

You gave him a little smile, biting your bottom lip. His eyes were wide and filled with concern, but softened once he saw your smile. 

“Yeah, keep going, I like it,” you whispered.

A small, closed mouth smile crept onto his face.

“Whatever you say,” he said as he connected your lips again. 

His hands slid along your hips and up a little onto your stomach, pushing your shirt up slightly. His lips made their way to your jaw again, just below your ear. 

You tangled your fingers in his hair and ran your other hand up his back and in between his shoulder blades.

“Mmm,” you breathed out as he continued there, knowing he hit a sweet spot on you. You felt him breathe out through his nose and his lips move into a smile, almost as if he was laughing. He seemed to be very pleased with himself. There was no doubt he was going to leave a mark but Jesus Christ his lips felt too good to care.

You gave the hair at the bottom of his head a pull and he lifted his chin back up, making eye contact with you again. You both let out a little laugh and he sat up. He was between your legs, sitting back on his heels. Jake pushed his hair out of his face and looked down. 

“I guess we should stop before, you know…” he trailed off the ending of his sentence, lifting his head and tilting it to peek at the spot on your neck he spent a little too much time on.

“Yeah,” you said,  running your hands through your scalp and pushing your hair back. 

You sat up and leaned against his headboard, running your fingers through your hair.

You ran your hand over the spot on your neck and rubbed it out a little. He leaned toward you and grabbed your wrist, pushing it down gently. He placed his hand on the spot and gently rubbed on it with his thumb a few times before pulling away.

You picked up the beer bottles off his night stand, handing him his. 

“So,” you started, “do you have girls over here often?” 

Jake’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked at you, confused. “No, not really. Just the ones I like,” he smirked at you. “And like I said… I like you,” he said.

“What do you like about me?” you asked.

Jake laughed, tilted his head to look at the ceiling, and counted on his fingers as he spoke, “Well, I like that you’re smart. You’re pretty- that helps, he said, flashing a full smile at you. 

You looked down at your hands shyly and bit your bottom lip. 

Jake continued “I like the way you look at me when you think I can’t see you. I like the way your hair falls when you play with it. I like how you look down and bite your lip when you’re embarrassed. Kind of like what you’re doing now.”

He was good. 

You looked back up at him. His eyes were soft again. 

“Jake, I don’t know what to say,” you whispered, nervously.

“Say you like me back. I know you want to.” 

He was right. You wanted to. You wanted to more than anything in the world.

You put the beer back down on the nightstand and ran your hand through his hair, bringing your fingers down to graze his face. You held his chin and you could feel the tiniest bit of soft, facial hair poking through. 

“I like you, Jake.” 

Instantly, you felt the weight of the world lift off your shoulders. That little secret you’ve been holding in for a month- finally he knew.

A little, satisfied chuckle left his lips. He leaned in and gave you the most gentle kiss. 

When he pulled back you let go of his face and grabbed his hands from his lap and held onto them. 

“Can I tell you what I like about you?” you asked, looking into his eyes.

“Go on,” he said playfully, giving you that silly little kid look. 

You started, “I like your eyes. They’re dreamy.” 

Your right hand brushed his hair off his forehead to get a good view of them and then you let it drop back into his lap.

You started to play with his fingers and looked down at them as you spoke.

“I like your hands. They’re big, and rough. And I like holding them.” 

You looked back up at Jake to see that he was giving you the sweetest smile you had ever seen. You melted from that look alone.

“I like how you put your hand behind your neck when you’re nervous. I like how when I’m talking to you, you look right at me. I like how you know what you want and you go for it.”

“You’re what I want,” he whispered.

“You want me?” 

Jake nodded slowly with his mouth open just a bit as his tongue licked his bottom lip.

“You have me,” you replied in a whisper.

Jake brushed your hair away from your ear and kissed you again. Deeper. There was more passion behind this kiss than any other the two of you had shared. This one had meaning. 

You continued at each other for a few minutes until  you were interrupted by a ding of his phone. He pulled it out of his pocket and read the screen. 

“Ah, shit. It’s Josh. I told him to text me when they were about to leave. Can I take you home?” 

“Yeah no problem,” you said as you got up from his bed and followed him out of his room. 

The two of you started down the hallway back to the front door. 

“So, Josh knows I’m here?” you asked as you put your coat on and as he grabbed a set of keys off a table by the door. 

“Well, yeah. I trust him and I didn’t want this to end up like last time. You know with Sam and everything. Sorry if you didn’t want anyone to know. But I promised I would do it for him if the roles were reversed.” 

He was doing it again- grabbing the back of his neck and looking down. You could tell he felt bad. 

You grabbed his hand from behind his head and pulled it down in front of him, holding it with both your hands. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” you reassured him, “I don’t mind.” 

He looked up at you and breathed a small sigh of relief. 

You both left the house and he locked the door behind you. As you two stepped into the cold November night he turned around and stopped you.

“Does this mean we’re…” he trailed off.

“We’re what?” you asked, already anticipating what he was going to say.

“You know, like boyfriend and girlfriend? God, it sounds so stupid when I say it out loud,” he laughed.

You gave him a peck on the lips. 

“It’s not stupid,” you said as you kept your face just an inch away from his and smiled at him. 

“So, yes?” he asked, almost wincing.

“Yes,” you assured him with a smile. You pulled his hand to lead him to the car.

He drove you home and pulled into your driveway. You weren’t exactly sure how to say goodbye to him but before you got out of the car, he turned to you. 

“By the way, I’ve never had a girl in my room before. Until today of course. I mean- besides my sister. So you’re like, the fir-” 

Jake had a habit of over explaining when he got nervous.

“Shhh,” you said, grabbing his chin and bringing it closer to yours. You kissed him softly; and it took him a second, but he returned the kiss to you. You pulled away, both smiling.

At that exact moment, genuine happiness filled your entire body. Jake Kiszka. Who would have thought?

He watched you walk inside and drove away once your front door closed. 

Jake got back home just in time for his family to arrive back, unsuspecting of the events which took place that night. Except Josh, who spotted two beer bottles on the nightstand when he walked in the room to go to bed. He took them outside and buried them deep in the garbage can to cover up for Jake. 

December 2013:

You and Jake had been together for about a month now. He stopped sneaking you into his house about a week after you two made it official. His parents approved of the two of you. Yours did as well. He had gone to your house and met your parents and they really liked him. But your parents were home a lot, and his parents were more easy going. So you spent more time at his house. 

School had just gotten out for winter break. Typically, you would go home after school with Jake on days he didn’t have band practice. You usually did homework with him, and then the two of you went to his room to be alone for a bit. Sometimes Jake would show you music he liked, or he’d roll you a joint to share from the (terrible quality) weed he stole from Josh; and the two of you would smoke for a bit.

You did other things too. Like most teenagers, you and Jake started exploring a little more of each other’s bodies. It had gone just far enough to the point you were both comfortable with. You’d been each other’s first experience for a few things so far. 

It started with heavy make out sessions that quickly led to more. Jake asked if it was okay if his hands wandered, which it was. It was more than okay. You would guide his hands to where you wanted them and he’d do the same for you. 

What started as feeling each other above clothes turned into feeling each other under clothes, to say the least. 

You would each go further a little bit every time it happened, testing the waters on each other to see how far you were both willing to go. Jake never took things too far though. He knew you were hesitant about doing some things and he never took it farther than you wanted it to go. 

When Sam came home from school, you usually moved to the living room or basement until Jake’s parents came home from work. Josh respected the situation but Sam didn’t exactly understand it yet. You never did anything explicit in front of Sam of course, but it was awkward with Sam in the boys’ room doing his homework while you and Jake were doing couple things; or as Sam called it, “Tainting his innocence.”

You were on the couch in the Kiszka living room, laying down longways with your head in Jake’s lap as he played with your hair. You both listened to Sam and Josh debate the best way to decorate their Christmas tree. 

His brothers’ conversation faded in the background as Jake spoke to you.

“What are you doing for Christmas?” he asked as he rubbed your hairline with his thumbs lightly.

“Same as every year. My dad’s side of the family is coming over. It’ll probably be pretty boring to be honest.” 

“Do you want to come here? I mean, I’m sure your family wants to spend time with you. But, maybe for a little bit?” 

You smiled up at him and licked your bottom lip. “Okay, I’ll ask my mom.” 

Jake leaned his head down and placed an upside down kiss on your lips. With your lips still locked, you smiled into him, causing your mouths to separate. He poked your teeth with his tongue playfully. His shaggy hair fanned over your chin and tickled you, making you giggle.

“Get a room!” Sam yelled, bringing you both back to reality.

“I have one but someone doesn’t approve of me being in there with my girlfriend,” Jake snapped back.

“Because you guys do weird things in there! My poor virgin eyes have seen enough!” 

You laughed and Jake rolled his eyes and scoffed. 

“Sam, you’re fourteen! Get over it!” Jake said.

“I will not!” Sam replied.

“One day you’ll understand,” Jake said, shaking his head.

“Yeah, maybe. But that day is not today!” Sam replied firmly.

You got up, held your hand out to Jake. He took it and you pulled him off the couch.

“Come on,” you said, “lets’ go make out on Sam’s bed.” 

Jake smiled a devilish smile and let a laugh out of his nose. He picked you up, holding you just under your butt, and ran out of the room with you. Both of you laughed as he carried you out of the room.

“No! Come on! Are you serious? Jesus Christ, no! Jake, I swear to God!” Sam’s voice faded away as Jake carried you down the hall and into the boys shared room, locking the door behind him.

December 25 , 2013:

You asked your mom about going to the Kiszka’s for Christmas and she agreed to let you go after dinner. The plan was that she would drop you off as long as Jake would bring you home, which he agreed to. 

You arrived at the Kiszka’s house at around 7:30 pm. Jake walked out to the driveway to get you. He greeted your mom and promised to have you home that night. As you both walked back up his driveway and towards the front door- you stopped him. 

“Jake, wait. I’m… I’m kind of nervous about this,” you admitted.

“About what? Meeting my cousins and stuff?” he asked.

You looked down at both your feet and nodded your head. He held your lower back and lifted your chin with his index finger so your eyes met his.

“Hey,” he began, “you don’t have anything to worry about. They’re going to love you.” 

He placed a gentle kiss on your forehead and looked up at you through his hair. 

“Okay? Breathe for me, baby,” he said calmly.

You closed your eyes, took a deep breath in, and let your shoulders relax as you exhaled.

“Good, Baby,” he whispered, “Come on, I got you,"

He let go of your chin, took your hand, and led you into the house. 

The six Kiszkas you knew were loud. That was a fact. However, a house full of thirty Kiszkas was a completely different story. There were people of all ages everywhere- drinking, talking, yelling, and running around.

Jake introduced you to his grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. They were all very welcoming and took to you right away. He was right, you really didn’t have anything to worry about. 

You and Jake hung out with his family for a while. His mom bragged about you. His aunts loved you. They wanted to know all about how you met and how you’re putting up with him. His grandmother called you “Honey” and told you stories about Jake when he was little. You laughed while he rolled his eyes and begged her to stop.

You talked with his cousins for a while too. A lot of them were close to your age and you discovered you had a lot of shared interests with them. 

Josh was floating around the room butting into everyone’s conversations, looking and sounding like he drank more than he should have. Sam and Ronnie were busy with their noses in the instruction manual of some electronic Sam had gotten as a gift.

Jake’s grandfather called him over and whispered something in his ear. Jake gave you a be right back look. He returned to his grandfather with two red solo cups and his grandfather poured scarlet liquid in them from a pitcher on the dining room table. Jake walked over to you, drinks in hand. He extended one out to you. 

“It’s whiskey, cranberry juice, sour mix, and a ‘secret ingredient.’ My grandpa makes it every year and he finally let Josh and I have it this year. My mom doesn’t know though, she would kill him. But it’s good, try it.” 

You lifted the cup to your mouth and instantly you could smell the alcohol. Well this explains Josh’s tipsy state, you thought to yourself as you took a sip.

The drink was strong, but it tasted good. Like cinnamon. It was a good holiday drink, perfect for the occasion. You smiled at Jake and he looked at his grandfather, giving him a little finger gun motion.

“Come here I have something I want to show you,” Jake said as he pulled you down the hall and into his room, closing the door behind him. 

The loud noises of the Kiszka family became muffled by the closed door.

He sat you down on his bed and he went down on his knees to reach under it.

“Close your eyes,” he said with one hand still hidden under the bed while the other hand held his cup. 

You closed your eyes and felt him place something in your lap.

“Okay… open your eyes.”

You looked down at your lap to see a small silver box with a little red ribbon on top.

 “Jake,” you started, “We agreed- no presents!”

“I know, I know. But, you mean a lot to me and I just- I don’t know. I wanted to,” he explained.

You put your cup on his nightstand and unwrapped the bow, looking at Jake before completely opening the box. Jake’s face in that moment brought you back to when he opened the garage door to you for the first time. He was excited but also apprehensive about your reaction. 

You opened the box to reveal a gold necklace with a charm of your first initial shining brightly in the dim light of his bedroom. 

“Jake,” you whispered.

“Do you like it?” he asked, still on his knees in front of you.

“I love it, it’s perfect. Thank you.” 

You leaned down to kiss him. Your lips joined for a minute and he stood up, never breaking the connection. You pulled away as he got higher and you were still sitting.

“Can you help me put it on?” You asked him. 

“Of course. Hold this for a second,” he said, extending his cup out to you and you exchanged the necklace for the cup.

With the necklace in hand, Jake kneeled on his bed behind you. He moved your hair to one side of your neck and draped the necklace over your head, clasping it in the back. His hands traveled down your back and around your waist as he kissed the exposed spot on your neck. 

“Merry Christmas, Y/N,” he said in his soft, raspy voice. 

His voice sent vibrations through your body and made you shiver in the best way.

“Mmm. Merry Christmas, Jake,” you replied with a smile spreading wide across your face.

He reached around you and grabbed the cup from your hand, drinking the remainder of what was in it. He got back to his feet and walked over to the nightstand to place his empty cup on the nightstand next to yours. He leaned against it and placed his hands on the edge of it.

“Want to relax here for a little? It’s kind of loud out there,” he said, motioning his head towards the door.

“Sure,” you began, “I really like your family though.”

“I think they like you too. I told you you had nothing to worry about,” he said with a little I told you so smirk and raised eyebrows.

Jake unbuttoned his flannel shirt the rest of the way, and pulled it off his shoulders. The warm light of his room casted shadows and highlighted the muscles in his back and arms. Your eyes trailed down to his stomach, his barely there ab muscles flexed as he turned his body to throw the shirt across the room. Above his belt he had just a little bit of fat that rested on his hips. His body wasn’t perfect, but to you it was. 

He undid his belt, kicked off his pants, and tossed both into a hamper by the closet. He opened the bottom drawer of the nightstand and pulled out a t- shirt and a pair of boxers. 

He held them out to you and said, “If you want to wear something more comfortable.”

You pulled your sweater over your head, let it fall to the floor, and threw on his shirt. Jake pretended to look away but you caught his eyes wandering a few times.

As you unbuttoned your jeans, you saw him do his nervous neck grab again, and caught his eyes peeking around.

“I know what you’re doing,” you giggled as you threw your pants at him and put on the boxers.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied with a sly smirk lighting up his face.

Jake has seen your body before. In fact, he’s seen more of you than this before. But for some reason, this little moment was different.

Maybe it was because it was Christmas. Maybe it was because of the alcohol. Or maybe it was because your feelings towards each other were growing stronger and you both knew it- but were just a little too shy to say anything.

Jake sat down on his bed, leaned against the headboard and stretched his legs out. You climbed in between his legs and sunk into his body. He was warm. His skin was soft. His body around you like this reminded you of the time in the garage. However, it was more intimate this time. You were in his bed, he was practically naked underneath you, and you were in his clothes.

You felt completely secure and safe in his arms. You leaned your head against his shoulder. He kissed the top of your head and pulled the covers over the both of you.

You closed your eyes as Jake traced patterns on your upper arm with his fingertips underneath his blanket.

“Don’t forget you have to take me home later,” you mumbled.

“Mmhmm,” he hummed, gently grabbing your head and pushing your hair out of your face.

You woke up the next morning with heavy eyes. You felt a huge weight on your back. You opened your eyes to see Jake, shirtless, with his arm draped over you.

You squinted your eyes as the sun shone through the window next to his bed and lit up the room. You picked your head up and looked over at him. He was fast asleep. 

“What the fu-” you start to say.

“Mmm, baby go back to sleep,” Jake answered in a deep, raspy voice. His arm that rested on your back pulled your body closer to his. 

You sat up on your elbow and looked at the clock on his nightstand. 

10:24 AM. 

Next to the clock were the two empty cups that were once full of liquor. You looked around the room. Josh was passed out with one leg dangling off his bed, his face deep in his pillow, and breathing with his mouth open. 

Sam was gone, thankfully.

You pulled Jake’s arm off you, reached for your phone, and sat up. Eleven missed calls and countless texts from your mom. Fuck.

“Jake, baby, get up,” you said as you gave his side a little nudge.

He breathed in deep and opened his eyes, blinking a few times. His normally tired eyes looked even more tired than usual as he fought to keep them open.

“You were supposed to take me home last night. My mom is going to kill me. And my dad? Oh God, my dad is going to kill you.”

Jake instantly perked up when he realized the situation at hand. 

“Oh shit,” he said, ripping the covers off himself and getting out of bed.

Silently, you both got up and started getting changed back into your clothes. He tossed your clothes onto the bed and reached into the hamper to get his from last night. 

You kept Jake’s shirt on and held your sweater in your arms. You looked down at your phone, thinking of how you could possibly explain this to your parents as Jake put his shoes on. 

The door to the bedroom opened and in walked Sam with a toothbrush sticking out of his mouth. 

“Have fun last night?” Sam asked suspiciously as he walked over to his bed. 

He continued, “You know, Christmas is a sacred holiday. It is the day of Jesus’ birth. It is not a day to fu-”

“Oh my God! Sam, would you shut up already?” Jake yelled.

With the raise of Jake’s voice, Josh jolted in bed with a gasp. He relaxed when he opened his eyes briefly to see he was in his own bed. 

“It’s too early for this, go back to sleep,” he groaned in a tired voice. He rolled over, pushed his entire face back into his pillow, and covered himself up completely in his comforter. 

Sam walked out of the room with a towel on his arm and a smirk on his face. As if he knew some kind of top secret information. Like, Jake was going to be in big trouble. Based on Sam’s reaction, you wondered if Jake’s parents knew you were still there. 

Jake turned to you, “Stay here for a second, I’m gonna go see if my parents are around.”

He walked out the room and closed the door most of the way behind him. You heard a faint conversation between him and his mom coming from the living room.

After a few minutes, the door opened again and Jake came through, breathing deep and handing you a bottle of water.

“Okay,” he began slowly, “They know you’re here. But I told them nothing happened and I think they believe me. They’re not mad. They’re mostly pissed at me because I didn’t take you home last night like I promised.”

You got up from his bed and smiled at him.

“Well, you’re taking me home now, aren’t you? So you kept half the promise.” 

Jake smiled back and gave you a little kiss on the lips. 

“Come on, go say bye to my parents and get in the car. I have some explaining to do with your parents,” he laughed nervously.

You got home and explained the situation to your parents. Jake apologized and they accepted it. They were still pretty mad and told you that you couldn’t see Jake for the rest of winter break. You couldn’t blame them. 

However, you planned to text during the day and call each other every night to talk. The texting and calling helped but you still missed him. You missed the things you couldn’t get through a phone.

You missed his touch. You missed the way his hair fluttered around your face when he kissed you. You missed the way his eyes lit up when he talked about stuff he liked. You missed the way he looked at you when you explained stuff to him. But most of all, you missed the way he made you feel. Safe. And loved.

That night, Sam laid awake in his bed, unable to sleep. He whispered to Jake to see if he was awake. Jake replied that he was.

“So…how do you kiss a girl?” Sam asked shyly.

Jake laughed lightly, “I’ll explain tomorrow. Go to sleep, Sammy.”

January 2014:

Your parents warmed back up to Jake after a bit of time and allowed you to continue going to his house after school and on weekends. Sam grew to be more accepting of your relationship after a conversation with Jake about girls over winter break. Now instead of gagging noises when you two did anything in front of him, he blew little air kisses at you. 

It was Sunday and neither of you had responsibilities for the day. It was snowing outside and the area was expected to get about 10-12 inches so you were sure school would be canceled the next day. The roads were already covered with snow and ice. Your parents knew you’d have to end up sleeping at Jake’s house until the roads were cleared. Jake’s mom assured her that you would sleep in the basement and Jake would sleep in his room. Doors open. 

You sat on the floor of Kiszka’s living room with Jake. You sat a foot away from each other, throwing popcorn into each other’s mouths and giggling while Josh laid on the couch with his eyes attached to the screen in front of him.

“Are you guys seriously going to do that the entire time?” Josh asked, his eyes still not leaving the screen as he spoke.

“I’m sorry Josh, would you like to join us? We could all cuddle later if you want too?” Jake teased.

Josh rolled his eyes. 

“Very funny. Ha. Ha. You know,” he began, talking with his hands flailing around, “this film is absolute perfection. The film noir elements are so subtle, yet strong. Even for the time period, it really stands out as one of the most well thought out displays of cinematography to date. I mean just look at the camera work here! The shadows! The way it pans out! AH! SO GOOD!” 

His eyes went back to being glued on the screen, paying the utmost attention to his film and resting his chin in his hand.

Josh was in his element. His own little world. Film was something he loved. He could study it for hours. He didn’t plan on moving from that spot on the couch for the rest of the day.

“Want to go outside?” Jake suggested, raising his eyebrows at you. 

“Now? Isn’t it snowing?” you asked.

“What, you’ve never played in the snow before?” 

He tilted his head at you and started to get up. He lifted you to your feet, grabbed the popcorn bowl off the floor, and placed it in Josh’s lap.

Jake turned to Josh before following you out of the room and down the hall.

“We’re gonna go outside if you want to come,” he offered.

“Mmm,” Josh mumbled, waving Jake away, eyes not moving from the screen.

You and Jake walked down the hall, and into his room to get his boots and coat. As you entered, you stopped when you saw Sam laying on the floor in the middle of the room. His eyes were closed, his legs were crossed at his ankles, and his hands rested behind his head. A small smile formed on his face as a record of blues music played from the record player on top of the boys’ dresser.

Jake stepped over him and reached into the closet to grab what he needed. Sam had no idea either of you were in the room and he started humming and moving his head to the song. 

You looked down at Sam and smiled, seeing how content and at peace he was in his own little musical world. Just like Josh was in the living room with his film. If there was one thing Sam loved, it was music.

You both put on your coats and hats and walked into the kitchen to leave through the backdoor. Both Jake’s mom and dad were in the kitchen baking with Ronnie. 

“You guys going outside?” Karen asked, putting a tray of cookies in the oven.

“Mmhm,” you and Jake replied in unison.

“Have fun,” Kelly said as he wiped down the countertops and tossed the paper towel in the garbage.

Jake opened the back door and ushered you out. The snow had stopped falling momentarily and Jake’s backyard looked right out of a movie scene. Snow had stuck to the bare tree branches, turning them white. A perfect white blanket of snow covered the grass with some tiny squirrel footprints trailing across the yard. 

Jake walked across the deck with you following behind him. There was a path carved out from where his dad shoveled through earlier. 

“Be careful, this is where I cracked my head open when I was three,” he said as he hopped down the steps and out onto the snow covered grass. “I told you about that right?” 

“Ha, yeah once or twice,” you replied. 

Jake loved to tell you stories about him nearly dying during his childhood. There were many. His poor mother.

Jake held his hand out to you and you took it in yours as you walked down the steps, careful not to step on any patches of ice.

You stood on the last step and stopped to face him. His shaggy bangs covered his eyes and poked out of the bottom of his knitted beanie. Standing on the step made you a couple inches taller than usual and your eyes were perfectly even with his. His nose had turned a little red from the cold already and you kissed the tip of it. He smiled and repeated the action to you. 

“Hop on,” he said as he turned around, motioning you to piggyback him. 

You only had sneakers on and he had proper snow boots, so there was no way you could walk through 8 inches of snow on your own. You jumped onto his back and wrapped your arms around his neck. He wrapped his arms under your legs and lifted you up higher on him. You rested your chin on his shoulder and he started through the snow. 

You turned your face into the side of his neck just by his ear and pressed kisses to his skin as he continued to walk, slowing his steps as you got closer to the spot on his neck that made him weak everytime.

“If you keep doing that, I’m gonna end up dropping you,” he warned playfully. 

“I know you wouldn’t,” you returned his playful tone and continued sprinkling him with kisses.

He stopped walking and turned his face towards yours.

“What if I did? What would you do if I dropped you right now?” he smirked.

“Jake, if you drop me in this snow-”

“Yeah? What would you do?” he chuckled, raising his eyebrows. 

He knew you didn’t have any line of defense here and he held all the power in his hands. He could easily throw you backwards into the snow right now.

“I will kick you in the balls so hard, you’ll never have kids,” you warned. 

Part of you was joking, but the other part was serious.  

“Oooh, is that a threat or a promise?” he said suggestively.

You tapped him lightly on his cheek and pushed his face away, mimicking a smack.

He kept walking until he got to a picnic table in the middle of the yard. He extended one arm to push some snow off it, revealing a portion of the wooden surface. He turned around and let you sit down on it. Your legs dangled off the sides and Jake turned his body around to face you. He grabbed your face in his hands, cupping your jaw. He placed a soft kiss on your lips. 

“Can I tell you something?” he asked.

“Mhm, anything,” you replied, nodding your head.

He put his hand behind his neck. You knew he was nervous. 

“I…” he sighed, “Nevermind, it’s.. it’s stupid,” he stuttered.

“Jake, you can’t say you want to tell me something and then not say it.” 

“Nevermind, really, it’s stupid. I’ll tell you later. Not now,” he shook his head.

“Okay fine but promise you’ll tell me later?” you asked as you grabbed his chin. 

He nodded as his eyes darted all over your face- almost like he was searching your face for an answer to something he wasn’t sure of.

You both paused there for a moment, just looking at each other.

You broke eye contact with him and picked up some of the fresh, fluffy snow off the table and held it in your hand. You opened your palm in front of his face and blew it on him. His eyes shut tight and he scrunched up his nose at the sudden cold feeling on his face. He opened his eyes, his mouth hung open, and he let out a breath, shocked. 

You laughed seeing him caught off guard. A smile appeared across his face and his eyes grew wild with mischief. Suddenly, he nuzzled his cold, wet, face in your neck; kissing you with snowflakes shivering your skin. 

“Jake!” you playfully whined as you wiggled your head and shoulders to get his cold face away from your neck.

Jake placed one arm under your legs and the other arm around your back, swooping you up bridal style off the table. He started back towards the house with you in his arms.

“Let’s go, Baby. Back inside. No more snow for you,” he huffed. He kissed you on your temple as he hitched you up.

As he was trudging through the snow with his heavy boots, he missed a step and tripped with you in his arms. He still had you but both of you gasped and breathed out with sighs of relief and chuckles when he got his balance again.

He looked down at you in his arms, “Did you think I was going to let you go?” He questioned.

“For a second there, yeah!” you admitted, laughing.

“You’re lucky. You came close to going down,” he replied, smiling.

“You would let me fall?” you asked innocently, raising your eyebrows at him.

“What, like this?” he asked as he faked you out. He let you drop for a second before catching you again. 

You squealed and gripped his neck tighter. Jake was bending down with you hanging in his arms. Your body was a foot off the ground, and your hair was falling behind you. 

“Yeah? What are you gonna do now?” he said as he lowered you down further, your body now just a few inches from the ground. His smile lit up his face as he spoke and his entire body vibrated from laughing.

“You know what I said I’d do if you dropped me,” you smiled with your tongue between your teeth and raised your eyebrows at him. 

“Try me,” he whispered.

And with that, thud. He dropped you right into the snow. You felt the cold surround your body, shocking you slightly. Your jaw dropped as you looked up at him. Your body was frozen both figuratively and literally. 

His bright smile was huge on his face. His shoulders moved up and down as he laughed nervously. He wasn’t sure if he just made a huge mistake. 

Jake reached his hand out to you to pull you up and you took it. He started to bring you to your feet when you shot your foot up to his groin, and made contact. He let go of your hand, plopping you back into your spot in the snow. 

“Ohh!” He groaned as he grabbed himself and spun in a circle around himself, hunched over a little. 

“Hahaha! I told you I would!” you laughed.

“You’re gonna get it now,” he said, lunging towards you. 

“Jake!” you screeched.

He threw himself on top of you and laughed before he kissed you hard, pushing both of you down deeper into the snow. The area surrounding your body was freezing but his breath was warm against your face and his body was warm on top of you. 

He pulled away from the kiss and looked you in the eyes. His expression turned serious. His eyes were scanning your face again and finally he breathed out. 

“I…Y/N, I….I love you.” 

You sucked in a sharp breath at his words. Love.

His tired eyes silently begged you to say something, anything back to him. He held his breath and never broke eye contact with you as he waited for a reaction.

“Jake, I…” you began, reaching up and holding his cheek in your hand. “I love you too.”

The words came out of your mouth as if you had been holding onto them for years, even though it had only been a few months. It felt absolutely right. There was no doubt in your mind. You loved Jake. 

“Yeah?” he asked, blinking and raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” you said softly, reassuring him and giving him a little peck on the lips.

He flashed that big bright smile at you again and you did the same. He kissed you again. 

Deep. 

Long. 

Passionately. 

Your heart was exploding in your chest in the best way. Your head was reeling as your lips moved against his. You didn’t even care that you were laying in the freezing snow. Everything about this moment was perfect. It was like everything in life had come to a peak right here. You didn’t care about anything else in the world, except him. 

The snow started to fall again and Jake broke away from you, laughing. He sat up and pulled you up with him. There was no use in him carrying you now, both of you were soaking wet. 

You and Jake spent close to an hour outside together in the snow. You had snowball fights, made snow angels, and caught snowflakes on your tongues.

When you couldn’t feel your hands anymore and Jake’s lips started to turn a shade of purple, you decided to call it a day and you walked back to the house, hand in hand. 

You stopped him at the door and put your hands around his waist, clasping them behind his back and pulling him in tight. “Say it again,” you said softly. 

“I love you,” he said confidently.

“I love you,” you replied.

He kissed you and hummed into the kiss, “Mmm, God I love you,” he said smiling.

You bit your lip and turned the doorknob to the inside.

When you entered the kitchen, his parents gave each other a smirk as they cleaned up the remainder of the dishes. You could tell they were watching from the kitchen window. 

“Did you guys have fun out there?” Karen asked sweetly, even though she already knew the answer.

“Yeah,” Jake tried to say casually, hiding a smile.

“Go get out of those clothes and into something warm, now!” Kelly called as you and Jake exited the kitchen.

Jake met you in the laundry room with a pair of boxers, sweatpants, and one of his hoodies. 

You both took your clothes off, threw them in the dryer, and put the fresh ones on. Jake pressed the ON button before leaving the small room. 

Now dry and warm, you stopped by the boys’ room to get your phone and you saw Sam- still on the floor, in the same position you saw him last. 

You and Jake went downstairs to set up the pull out couch for you to sleep on that night and as you passed the living room, just like Sam, Josh had not moved an inch. Both of them were still in their own little worlds. 

Jake helped you set up the bed and when you were done, the two of you went upstairs for dinner. You sat next to Jake and he held your hand and your thigh under the table the entire time. 

After dinner, Jake accompanied you in the basement for a bit. He knew eventually he would have to go upstairs and sleep in his own bed, as previously decided by both sets of parents. 

He laid on his back with your head on his chest, cuddled into him, looking at the TV. The two of you were watching a movie when you looked up at him. 

“Hey, what was that thing that you wanted to tell me earlier?” you asked.

“Oh,” he chuckled, “I already said it,” he replied.

“What, that you love me?” you asked with a smile.

“You like hearing it, don’t you?”

You nodded at him.

“Yes. I love you,” he said, leaving a kiss on the top of your head.

He was right. You loved hearing him say it. It was the way his soft, raspy voice practically sang the phrase. You couldn’t get enough. 

Jake’s hand lazily rubbed your back and you felt his heartbeat in his chest as you closed your eyes for the night.

Before going to bed, Kelly looked into the boys room to see Jake’s bed was empty and noticed that coming from the basement stairs was a dull glow of the TV and the light sounds of Jake’s snoring.

Karen came up behind him, resting her chin on his shoulder.

“You wanna tell him to get up here and go to bed?” she asked.

“No,” Kelly replied, “he’s in his own little world.”

February 2014:

As the cold, Michigan winter rolled on, you and Jake spent a lot of time together. After the initial “I love you” was off both of your chests, things continued to blossom between the two of you and you became each other’s best friends. You revealed secrets about yourselves that no one else knew. You told each other about your insecurities. He showed you the scar on his arm from when he broke it in middle school and you traced your fingers lightly on it. When he rubbed your legs, he kissed the stretch marks on your thighs that you were always self conscious about. You two were a real couple. Sure you were still only young, but everything about it felt right. You and Jake fit together. Being with him was like riding a bike or walking- it was second nature to you. 

You were in the Kiszka’s kitchen after school one day with Jake. It was just the two of you, no one else was home. His parents trusted him with you. In general, they were cool parents, but they also knew nothing would go on in their house that they had to worry about. 

You sat on the counter with Jake standing in between your legs. He put a cookie in your mouth and brought his face close to yours to bite off the half that was sticking out to him. 

“So,” he started as he chewed, “Valentine’s Day is coming up.”

“Mhmm,” you hummed as you chewed the cookie.

“Can I take you out?”

“Like, on a date?” you asked. 

“Well, yeah. We’ve never actually had a real date yet,” he reminded you.

He was right. The two of you never actually went somewhere together. All of the time you spent together was either at school, your house, or his house- mostly his house.

“Oooh, what do you have in mind?” you asked, smirking at him playfully.

Jake lowered his head and laughed, “You’ll see,” he replied, looking up at you through his hair. You loved when he did that. His hair was getting longer and he refused to cut it. He liked it like that. He said one day he wanted to grow it past his shoulders, like a “Rock God.” 

He pushed himself up on his tiptoes to give you a kiss and then lowered you down off the counter. He pulled you into the living room. He sat down on the couch, still holding onto your hand as you stood in front of him.

“Kiss me,” he groaned with his head tilting up and his eyes closing slightly. 

You straddled him and put your knees on either side of his thighs. He held your waist and you lowered your head to connect your lips. It started off soft but quickly gained passion.

Jake’s tongue started sliding along your bottom lip and entering your mouth. His hands traveled past your waist and rested on your butt. You snaked your hands under his shirt and you felt his stomach muscles tighten with the contact. You rubbed the skin of his stomach, feeling goosebumps rise on the surface of his skin.

Jake moaned into the kisses, sending vibrations through your body. You pulled back from him, and looked at him. His eyes were in a dreamy state. You gave him one last kiss on the side of his mouth before attaching your lips to his neck. He tilted his head back to give you better access, breathing heavily and closing his eyes as you littered his neck with wet kisses and sucked on that sweet spot just below his ear. 

He snaked his hands up under your shirt and rubbed up and down your back. His hands slipped under your bra strap, toying with it, teasing you. His calloused fingertips dug into the delicate skin of your back as he played with it. You grinded your hips down against him and he moved his along with yours. 

“Honey, I’m home!” you heard a familiar voice boom as the front door swung open. 

Jake opened his eyes and ripped his hands away from you. You turned your head and jumped off of Jake to sit next to him on the couch.

Josh looked at you both with a shocked expression that quickly turned into a suggestive smirk.

“I’m not telling you how to live your lives,” he said casually as he raised his hands as a sign of surrender, “but, no sex on the family couch. Anywhere else is fine though.”

“I thought you had rehearsal?” Jake asked with a confused look on his face.

“I did, but they didn’t need me much today,” Josh replied, “I have to go run my lines anyway. Have fun,” Josh said suggestively as he shot a wink at you. 

He kicked his shoes off and walked down the hall into the boys room, closing the bedroom door behind him. 

Catching your breath, you turned to Jake and combed your fingers through your hair.

“Jake,” you started, “Does he think that we…”

“We, what?”

“You know.”

“Know, what?”

“Does Josh think that we… have sex?” 

Jake coughed at the question and a shocked expression appeared on his face. He looked to the floor, trying to recollect instances that may have led Josh to think that.

“I mean, he knows we mess around. We’ve done almost everything except that. And he has. I’ve talked to him about some stuff. I mean, he’s my twin brother. And honestly it would make sense for him to think we have,” he answered. 

You sighed and looked down at your hands. Jake grabbed them and pulled them to his mouth, kissing your knuckles and setting them down on his lap.

“Hey,” he began, “you really care what he thinks?” 

You shrugged your shoulders. 

Neither of you had done it yet. But you felt like everyone else in the world had. Josh had and so had a handful of your friends. You wanted to and so did Jake, Jake more than you. But you were scared and Jake knew it. Usually when things got heated, one of you would call it off before you went all the way. You out of fear, and Jake out of respect for you. But, no matter the reason, you both didn’t mind though. It just wasn’t the right time yet.

“Look at me, Baby,” Jake whispered, “Don’t worry about what Josh thinks may or may not have happened. It’ll happen when it happens. When you’re ready. And I won’t talk about it to him again. Okay? I’m sorry, I know it’s different for girls,” he said calmly as he rubbed your cheek with his thumb.

“Okay,” you said softly. 

He grabbed the remote control off the coffee table and turned on the TV. He pulled you into his arms and rubbed your shoulder with his thumb. You both fell asleep and woke up when Sam and Ronnie got home with his parents. Jake drove you home and worked on his date plans that night. 

February 14, 2013:

The ring of the door bell made you jump. You looked down at your phone. 7 PM exactly. You gave yourself one last look in the mirror, grabbed your coat and headed downstairs. Jake had told you to dress warm, not fancy. He didn’t tell you anything except that. When you tried to get details out of him, he would do a little “zipped lips” motion with his mouth and fingers.

When you got downstairs you saw Jake at the door, talking to your mom. She turned around when she heard your footsteps. 

“Hi,” you said, smiling at him and biting your lip.

“Hey,” Jake said, his eyes scanning you up and down, holding back a full smile.

“Midnight,” your mom said sternly, looking Jake in the eyes. She did not want a repeat of the last time Jake was supposed to bring you back home at night. 

“Yes. Midnight,” Jake nodded. 

Your mom gave you a wink as she walked away, leaving you and Jake alone. 

“You look beautiful, as always,” Jake said, pulling you into a hug and giving you a small kiss on the lips. 

You pushed his hair out of his face, “Thank you. You look cute. You know I like it when you wear that hat.” 

He was wearing that same beanie he wore that day in the snow. The bangs of his hair poked out of the bottom and covered almost half of his face. 

“Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” you asked as he led you out the front door.

“Nope,” he said playfully, opening the passenger door to the white Jeep his parents allowed him and Josh to drive. Jake only had his permit, and Frankenmuth was a small town. Plus, his family knew a lot of the cops in town so his parents let him drive around town because they knew he’d never get in trouble. He just wasn’t allowed to go outside of town. 

Jake began the drive to his destination and you kept your eyes on him. As he drove through the main part of town, the bright lights from streetlights and storefronts illuminated his features and casted shadows over his eyes and accentuated his cheekbones. It reminded you of the first time you were in the car with him. You were nervous with him back then, where now, you were completely relaxed.

He slid his hand over your knee and traveled it up towards your thigh as he held back a small smile.  You rubbed your hand on top of his and held it there, giggling a little. 

“Remember when you first came over and I told you that I liked when you look at me when you think I don’t see you?” he asked, eyes never leaving the road as he pulled up to a red light. 

You giggled, “Yes?” you replied playfully.

“Well, now you’re starting to creep me out,” he joked. 

You smacked his hand on your leg and then picked it up to kiss his knuckles. 

He continued driving and you saw the AUF WIEDERSEHEN sign illuminated ahead. 

“Jake? you dragged out the A in his name. 

“Mhmm?” he replied, also dragging out the word.

“Where are we going?” you asked in that same tone.

“Not far, don’t worry, Mom,” he teased, giving your leg a squeeze as he drove under the sign and out of town.

Jake turned off the main road and started driving up a hill. The lights of the town were now far in the distance as he continued on a small gravel road surrounded by trees. 

He pulled the Jeep into a spot off the road in the woods, hopped out, and ran over to your door. He opened it and grabbed your hand as you stepped out onto the ground. He started walking you down a small dirt path through the trees. 

“Jake, if we get murdered tonight I will never forgive you.” 

“Aw damn really? That’s exactly what I had in mind for tonight. Sorry, I thought you’d like the idea of kissing me with my blood from an ax wound on your hands as you watch the light leave my eyes,” he teased, earning himself a light smack on the chest.

As you kept walking, you saw a light peeking through the bare trees. Leaves left over from fall crunched under your feet as you walked.

“So,” he began, “One day when we were like 12, Josh and I went too far out of town on our bikes. We ended up riding up here, thinking it was a way back home, and we thought it was cool. I’ve come back a few times since then. I’ve never seen anyone here though. Ever.”

You started to walk into a clearing that dipped off like a cliff- looking down on Frankenmuth with lights in the distance. Right at the edge of the cliff was a little campfire. Along with a blanket and Jake’s backpack on the ground.

He walked you over to the blanket.

“Have a seat, My Love,” he said. 

You sat down and he followed you, the heat from the fire warmed the two of you up perfectly. It was the dead of winter but you weren’t cold at all. He started digging into his backpack and pulled out two round glasses and a bottle of red wine. 

“Ooh, so romantic,” you teased.

He flashed a smile at you, “Don’t tell my mom,” he whispered as if there were other people around to hear. 

You held the glasses as he opened the wine and poured. You clinked the classes together and sipped it, looking at each other over the rim of the glasses. 

You placed a wet, wine covered kiss to his lips. You tasted the flavors of him and the wine mixing on your tongue. He pulled away and smiled at you with the light from the fire lighting up his face.

He leaned back onto his elbows and stretched his legs out. You did the same but you leaned on one elbow and turned your body towards his slightly.

“See those lights out there?” he asked, pointing to the faintest cluster of lights off the edge of the land. 

“Mmhmm,” you replied.

“That’s Detroit.” 

He pointed to another area of lights farther in the distance to the side a bit. 

“And that’s Canada. During the day, you can see Lake Erie.”

It was an absolutely breathtaking sight. You always felt kind of trapped in Michigan. But seeing the world out there, shining in front of you, made you feel like it was possible to get out and explore it one day with him. 

The sky was clear. You could see every star in the sky and the full moon was shining overhead. You loved the night sky and Jake knew that. It always made you feel so small. Like any problem you ever had was insignificant compared to how big the universe was. You both looked up to the sky, gazing at the stars and the moon. Jake looked for a little extra time, studying it closely. His eyes squinted and he was in deep thought.

“What are you looking at?” you asked him playfully, noticing his fixation on the sky.

He sat up and dug into his backpack again, this time, he pulled out a piece of paper. 

Jake pointed to a spot in the sky. 

“You see that star? The one just above that little string of four?” 

“Yeah, why?” you asked once you spotted it.

“Well, it’s yours.” 

“What do you mean it’s mine?”

Jake unfolded the paper in his hand and let you look at the document in the firelight. Your heart raced and your jaw dropped as you read the words on the paper. You looked at him. He was looking back at you with those nervous eyes again. 

“You named a star after me?” you whispered as tears formed in your eyes and your lips parted in surprise.

He nodded, his head turning to the side a bit to get a good look at you. His mouth formed a smile. 

You shook your head, “Jake,” was all you could say. You were speechless. 

With his thumb, he wiped a tear that fell onto your cheek and he held your face in his hand. He looked deep into your eyes and waited for you to say something. 

“I love you. I love you so fucking much,” you said. 

You barely finished the last word when his mouth crashed into yours. He leaned over you and his lips never parted from yours as he laid you down on the blanket covered ground.

You know when people say they feel fireworks when they kiss someone? You didn’t feel fireworks. You felt a volcanic explosion. Your entire body was electrified. It was a deep feeling, deeper than anything you’ve ever felt before. You wanted this feeling forever and you knew with Jake, you’d have it that way.  

You and Jake talked a lot about life that night. You discussed your goals, ambitions, and futures. It was one of the most serious and mature conversations you ever had. Not just with Jake, but with anyone. Period. You were growing up and becoming adults. Your childhood was fading quickly and although not knowing the future scared you, you had him to go through it with; and that made you feel a lot better.

Jake’s phone buzzed at 11:15. He set an alarm this time so he could get you back home on time. You packed up everything, put out the fire, and got back in the car. Before he put it in drive you leaned over to him, turned his chin towards you, and kissed him. 

“Thank you for everything tonight,” you said, planting more soft kisses on his lips. 

He held onto the back of your neck and pulled you closer. You moved your tongue into his mouth and he did the same. You continued like that for a few minutes, getting lost within each other. 

His hands traveled down your body as yours rubbed along his thighs. He pushed up the divider and you crawled up onto the seat. He moved his seat back so you were able to sit on his lap. You felt him through his jeans and he moaned into your kisses. 

You pushed his coat off of his shoulders and he did the same on you. His hands traveled up to your chest, under your shirt, feeling you over your bra. His thumbs rubbing the skin just above the cups. You unbuttoned his jeans and let your hands feel him up over his boxers. You unbuttoned yours and started to pull them off yourself. 

He pulled his mouth off yours and grabbed your wrists. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked, pressing your lips onto his neck. 

He moved his neck for you to get off of him and shook his head at you.

“No. I’m not letting you do this. This isn’t what you want.”

“It is what I want, Jake. Come on, just do it. Get it over with.”

He pulled your jeans back up on you and buttoned his own. 

“No. That’s exactly why I’m not doing this with you right now. Get it over with? Are you serious?” 

You leaned back on his lap and looked at him with angry eyes and your lips pursed shut.

“Jake, I’m ready!” you said sharply.

“Yeah, well two days ago you weren’t!” he shot back.

You pulled your coat back on and sat back down in the passenger seat, arms crossed, looking straight ahead. You couldn’t see him but his jaw was clenched and his eyes looked down at your legs. You both sat there in silence for a few moments. You’d never fought before. It wasn’t exactly a fight- more of a disagreement. But still, you had never felt anger towards him. Secretly you knew he was right though. He knew you better than you knew yourself.

Jake was the first to speak.

“Baby, it’s not that I don’t want to. Trust me, I want to,” he breathed as he turned to you. “But this isn’t the time, and it’s especially not the place. I mean, come on, in a car?”

You looked at him, relaxed your face, and sighed, even laughed a little. 

“You’re right,” you said, reaching your hand out to him. 

He took your hand in his and rubbed the top of it with his thumb. 

“When we do it, we’re gonna do it right. And I’ll make sure it’s perfect,” he assured you, “I love you, you know that,” he said in his soft, deep voice. 

He closed his eyes and breathed in deep. While they were closed, you leaned forward to him, placing the most gentle kiss on his cheek. 

He opened his eyes and smiled at you. 

“Come on,” he whispered, opening the car door and getting out. 

“Jake, what the hell are you doing?” you asked as he opened your door and dragged you out by your hands and walked with you to the front of the Jeep. 

“Get on,” he said, putting his hands on your waist and lifting you onto the hood of the car. 

The coldness of the metal hit the backs of your legs. He climbed up and crawled behind you. He put his legs on either side of you and wrapped his arms around your waist. You rested your hands on top of his.

“Look at the sky,” he began, “don’t you always say you love looking at the night sky? Because when you look up, you feel small compared to how big it is out there?”

You nodded and Jake continued.

“Okay, now think of how big the universe is and how many people and problems there are in the world. What’s going on with us, right now? It’s nothing compared to what’s out there. There’s so much out there,” he said softly.

You turned your head to look at him. He always had a way of bringing you back down and making you feel so comfortable and safe. He felt like home. 

You closed your eyes and breathed deep in his arms for a few minutes, taking in the moment. 

“Jake?” you said after a while.

“Mhm?” he asked.

“Promise me that one day, we’ll see the world together. We’ll see what’s out there.”

“Promise,” he said, kissing the top of your head. 

You knew he would keep that promise.

“Come on, let’s get you home before twelve,” he said as he slid himself off the hood of the car. 

He extended his hands out to you and you hopped off into him. You both got in the car and Jake put one hand on the wheel and the other in your palm, pulling your hand up to his mouth every few minutes to kiss it gently.

The ride home was quiet, but comfortable. Jake pulled into your driveway at 11:58 PM. The living room light was on so you knew your parents were waiting. He walked you to the door and pulled you close before you went inside. 

“I’ll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Night, baby,” he said quietly as he kissed your forehead.

You opened the door and smiled at him before you closed it. Jake walked back to the car and drove home silently, looking up at the stars the whole way home. 

A few days later, after school, you and Jake walked through the front door of the Kiszka home with fast food bags in your hands. When you entered, you were surprised to see two people on the couch. 

It was Josh and a girl in a very similar position you and Jake were caught in last week. The two of them continued at each other as you and Jake took your coats and shoes off. Neither of them realized you were even there.

“Josh, no sex on the family couch remember?” Jake said casually, causing Josh and the girl to jump up from what they were doing. 

You and Jake smiled at him and then at each other as you headed for his room with the bags of fast food and two joints waiting for you in his nightstand drawer.

March 2014:

You and Jake started going out more throughout the past month. He started making just a little bit of money from the bar gigs the band was playing. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for little dinner dates, ice skating, and bowling. 

Jake’s weekends also started getting busier. He would play a show on a Saturday night, not get home until 2 or 3 am on Sunday, and would sleep until noon.

Jake put all his focus on music. He had a lot of faith that his band would go far- especially now that they had Danny with them. However for every other senior in Frankenmuth, Michigan, end of the school year preparations were the focus. Spring break, prom, graduation, and college plans were the only things anyone could talk about. 

You had applied to a few colleges that interested you, mostly ones close to home. Michigan State University was only an hour away and had a good program for what you wanted to do. You were sure you’d go there. However, so did NYU. You applied to both in addition to some safety schools in Michigan and Ohio. 

You convinced Jake to apply to Delta Community College in Saginaw to at least try it out. He got in. But then again, everyone gets into community college. Regardless, his mom was happy to hear that he had a realistic plan for next year in case the whole “Rockstar” thing didn’t work out. 

Josh applied to Michigan State too. He wanted to study film making. He got his acceptance letter last week.

You sat at home on the computer, with your eyes scanning the screen. Jake laid on your bed with his feet up on the wall, eating grapes. 

“When are you gonna be done?” he asked, tilting his head back to look at you.

“In a couple seconds, I just want to check this last one.” 

You had been stalking the admission sites of the schools you applied to in hopes that your application status would go from Pending to Accepted. You would even take Rejected at this point. You just wanted to know. 

“Ugh, nothing yet,” you said as you closed out of the browser and shut the computer screen. 

Jake got up and walked over to you in the chair. He wrapped his arms around your neck and leaned close to your ear. 

“Why don’t you just wait for the letters in the mail like a normal person?” he asked with a hint of flirtation in his voice. “You know you’re gonna get in anyway.”

You sighed, “I don’t know, I just… I want to know now. Like, I just want to know what I’m doing with my life.”

Jake knelt down by your feet, looking up at you. 

“Why rush it? Time is already going by too quickly. Can we just live in this moment? Here? Now?” 

You bent down and wrapped your hands around his neck, resting your chin on the top of his head, “It’s scary, isn’t it? Growing up?” 

“Mhm,” he nodded. 

He broke away from your grasp and stood up, standing behind your chair again, and looking at you through your reflection in the mirror in front of you as he spoke. 

“You know what’s coming up that’s good though?” he asked. 

“What?” you asked sweetly.

“My show tomorrow. And you’re gonna be there,” he sang as he nuzzled his face into your neck, tickling you with his hair. 

“Yeah I’m finally gonna see you be a rockstar.”

“Don’t get your hopes up. It’s just a little bar gig,” he laughed.

“Well, I know I’ll love it no matter what,” you said, looking at his reflection. 

You turned your head and connected your lips with his. 

“Oooh, do I have my first groupie?” he said as he pulled back just a bit.

“Mmm, oh my God, Jake you’re soooo hot! Play that song for me again and do me in your dressing room!” you teased him in an exaggerated voice.

You both giggled at how ridiculous the thought was.

“No really. One day I’ll have groupies. And they’ll travel from all over to come see me. And they’ll throw their bras on stage,” he laughed and shook his head. “Heh. No, I’m just kidding. But imagine if that actually happened?” he smiled wide as he thought about it. 

Even though he was just joking, you knew that was what he wanted. That was the only thing he wanted. Jake was going to be a rockstar. No matter what.

When Jake left your house that afternoon, you noticed a pile of mail on the dining room table. You didn’t say anything. Jake had to get home for band practice and you didn’t want to dwell on the college stuff with him again. He had to focus on the show tomorrow. 

As you closed the door behind Jake, you eyed the little green MSU logo on one of the envelopes. You decided you would open it tomorrow. Jake was right- time was going by quickly and you wanted just one more day of not thinking about the fast approaching future.

The next day, you got to the bar around 9 so the band would be able to set up. You sat at a high top table with Ronnie and Jake’s mom while the guys prepared the stage. It was just a dive bar about 30 minutes outside Frankenmuth. It was dead at this point of the night. They weren’t going on until 11 so you had a lot of time to kill. Once the stage was set up, Jake came over to you with three beers in hand.

“For my ladies,” he said, putting them on the table. 

The guys played here often and the owner liked them so beer on tap was free for them. You looked across the room and saw Sam and Danny in the corner, filling up red soda cups with the beer. As two kids who clearly still looked like they were in middle school, they had to be a little more subtle about it than everyone else. 

Karen only allowed them one drink before the show and one after. But you knew better than her. You once saw Sam chug vodka from a bottle Josh had hidden under his bed. Who would have thought that little nerd had it in him?

“Thank you, Sir,” you joked as you took the beer from Jake and put the glass to your lips. You took a sip and held it out to him. He grabbed the glass and took one too, handing it back to you afterwards. Jake put his arm around your waist and kissed you on the cheek.

You put the glass down and snuck your hands around his waist. 

“Can we talk for a second?” you asked. 

“Yeah, sure,” he said as he backed away to let you hop down off the stool. 

You walked over to a quieter spot near the front entrance to the bar and held out a piece of paper to him. 

“Everything okay?” he asked. 

“Read it,” you said.

He saw the green logo at the top and then looked at you, worried. He opened the folded paper, his eyes scanned over the words, and he mumbled through the sentences quickly. 

His mouth opened slightly and he let out a breath, “You got in?” he whispered.

You nodded, biting your lip and looking up at him.

“Holy shit! You got in!” he said louder. 

His eyes lit up and he pulled you in by the waist and kissed you hard, you felt a small smile on his lips for the duration of the kiss.

You broke away from each other and smiled. He held you there for a minute more, just looking in your eyes. “Now you can relax, right?” 

“Yeah,” you sighed happily, “I’m gonna go tell Josh,” you said excitedly as you started to part from Jake.

Jake stayed where you left him as you walked over to Josh. As you spoke, he watched Josh’s face light up when you told him the news. Josh picked you up and spun you around, and then grabbed your arms and shook you around a little. 

Jake smiled bittersweetly to himself. He was happy for you and Josh. But things were changing. For someone who was always so sure of his future, he was starting to question himself. 

The bar started filling with more customers as the night went on. Some were regulars who talked with the bartenders and manager. Some were people who just came for a casual drink. The Wagner family was there and Danny’s parents and sister came to sit with you guys. You all talked and laughed until it was time for the boys to come on stage. 

Danny walked on first and sat down at his kit. Sam slung his bass over his head. Josh fiddled with the mic stand and wrapped the cord around his arm. Jake put his guitar on and gave it a strum, letting the audience know they were ready. You recognized the chord he played, it was the one he taught you the first time you were at his house. 

“Hello, everyone,” Josh began, “We are Greta Van Fleet, and we are honored to play for you this delightful evening.” 

Danny hit his sticks together in a 4 beat countdown and they began. 

They captivated the crowd the second they started. Some of the regulars were used to them, but even the people who didn’t know them looked impressed. They played a few songs, all ones you recognized from sitting in at some band rehearsals. Some were theirs and some were covers of songs they loved.

“This next one is a bit new. We’re gonna slow it down a little if that’s alright with you all.” Josh stated as he pulled a stool towards the mic. 

Jake took off his red electric guitar and swapped it for his acoustic one. 

“It’s called ‘Flower Power,’” Josh said, motioning to Jake to begin. 

Jake began to strum, looking down at the guitar. The song was cute and a  little folky, which you knew was something that inspired Jake a lot. 

You concentrated on the words Josh sang…

“It turns to night,

Firelight.

Star shines in her eye. 

Makes me feel like I’m alive” 

Then it hit you. This song. It was about you. 

You looked at Jake from where you were sitting. He knew you figured it out judging by how your hand was covering your mouth. His lips were fighting back a smile. He looked down at the guitar as he played, shaking his head a little. He didn’t want to break his hard rockstar exterior and he knew if he made eye contact with you, he would lose it. 

They finished up their set, took a break, and did another. Each time, they were met with a large applause at the end. Jake jumped off the stage and walked towards you. People patted him on the back as he walked by, saying “Good job, kid,” as he passed them. 

“I have to go take down the stage and load up in a second. But, what did you think?” he asked, leaning his elbows on the table.

“You were amazing,” you said, grabbing his sweaty face and giving him a soft kiss. You teased your tongue at him but pulled back after tasting the salty sweat covering his upper lip.

“Yeah there was a pretty girl in the audience I wanted to impress,” he smirked.

“I bet she’s a hot groupie,” you teased him.

“Yeah, she didn’t throw her bra on stage but maybe she’ll come do me in the bathroom,” he joked. 

“Shut up and go help your brothers,” you said, slapping his arm lightly. 

Jake walked away and left you with Ronnie at the table.

 “You guys are disgustingly cute,” she said, “I’m gonna miss you next year. I probably won’t miss Josh too much though. It’ll be nice and quiet without him.”

“Yeah it’ll be weird. But probably a little hard with all three of us being in college though.”

“All three of you?” she asked, eyebrows furrowed, head tilted to the side.

“Yeah, Jake’s going to Delta and Josh and I are going to Michigan State. But we’ll probably be home most weekends.”

“You sure about that? Jake told our parents last week that he’s not going and they can’t make him.”

Your mouth dropped open a bit, your eyes panned down to the floor, and you breathed out hard.

You looked back at Ronnie. Her lips were tucked in between her teeth. She knew saying that was probably a mistake. 

“He didn’t tell you,” she concluded.

You shook your head and got up, “Ronnie, I- I’ll talk to you later.”

You walked out the back door of the bar and watched Jake load the last amp into the van and shut the van’s back door. It was raining slightly and he was about to walk back inside but stopped after seeing you in the doorway.

“Hey, ready to go?” he asked.

You looked at him, expressionless.

“Are you okay-”

“When were you going to tell me?” you cut him off and crossed your arms. 

The rain started getting heavier. You both stood there, letting it fall on you. It was almost refreshing after being in the hot, sweaty bar for the past few hours.

“Tell you what?” 

“That you weren’t going to college?”

Jake rolled his eyes and scoffed. 

“Let me guess, Ronnie told you? It’s really not a big deal, I don’t even need it anyway.”

“Not even to fall back on?”

“What do you mean ‘fall back on?’ What, you don’t believe in me?”

“Jake, I never said that.”

“Well it’s obvious you’re thinking it. Tell me the truth, Baby,” he replied harshly. 

You sighed and dropped your arms to your sides, “Jake, I love you but this band thing- you really think it’s going to go anywhere? At some point you have to be realistic.”

He got loud, “I am being realistic! I’m not smart like Sam! I’m not creative like Josh! I’m stup-”

“You’re Jake,” you assured him, calmly, stepping towards him, “That’s all you need to be.”

You grabbed him around the waist and pulled him in. The rain caused his hair to stick together in wet clumps. His t-shirt turned a darker color with the water it had soaked up. 

His expression changed. His eyes softened. His shoulders dropped and he looked down to the ground. You’ve never seen him sad before. He looked absolutely defeated.

“Since when is being Jake something to brag about?” he sighed and rolled his eyes. 

You grabbed his chin with your hands and moved his face towards yours. The rain fell in between your faces, making it hard for you to see him clearly.

“Look at me, Jacob,” you said sternly with his chin in your hand, moving it up a little. He wouldn’t look you in the eye until you forced him. 

His eyes moved to meet yours. Rain droplets caught on his eyelashes, hiding the fact that tears were forming in his eyes. He was breathing out through his nose hard and his lips were quivering.

You let go of his chin and held onto his face lightly with your palm.

“Jake, I’ve never met anyone like you. The way you play guitar? You’re good. You’re more than good, you’re amazing. So yeah, Sam is smart. Josh is creative. But you? Jake, you’re talented.”

“I thought you said it wasn’t going anywhere,” he mumbled.

You sighed and closed your eyes for a moment.

“You know what I mean. Just promise me you won’t get your hopes up. Not everyone makes it. I’m not saying I don’t believe in you. I’m just saying-”

“I know,” he interjected, “I know.” 

Jake had wanted this for as long as he could remember. This was all he ever wanted. Music was all he knew. But as he felt his childhood slipping away and real life sneaking up behind him, he could see his dreams getting farther out of reach.

You pulled him into a hug and held onto him for an extra minute out there with your head on his shoulder. Neither of you cared that you were in the rain. You pulled your head back and kissed him gently on the lips. He pulled his hands from behind you and brought them to your face, wiping away the mascara that was running down your cheeks. 

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” you replied, “but, no more secrets.” 

He nodded, “No more secrets. Now, come on, let’s get out of here. It’s 2 in the morning.” 

Jake let go of you and led you back inside. You opened the door to see the rest of the group ready to go. 

Josh and Sam hopped on either side of you, linking their arms with yours. Danny followed close behind, holding onto your shoulders.

“So,” Sam began, “What did you think? Am I your favorite?” 

“It was amazing. But I’m sorry, Sam, I have a favorite already. You come in at a close second though. If only you were a little older,” you teased.

“How do you feel about twins?” Josh asked, raising an eyebrow at you. 

Jake pushed through them, wrapped his arm around your waist, and pulled you out of their hold. 

“Okay, enough! She’s my groupie and I’m not sharing!” he announced, placing a dramatic kiss on your cheek with a “mwah” sound. 

“I actually have a question for Josh,” you stated, smirking.

“Are you considering the twin thing?” he asked, jokingly.

“No,” you said with a laugh. “I just want to know… Who the hell is ‘Mama?’”

Sam and Danny threw their heads back and laughed obnoxiously. 

“Ohhhh Mamaaaa!” they both sang out in unison.

Jake pushed his body into yours playfully and looked at Josh, biting his bottom lip, waiting for his response.

“The world may never know!” Josh said mysteriously as he ran out the front door of the bar, into the rain, and dove into the backseat of the white Jeep. 

Jake drove you home with Josh in the backseat, rambling on about something neither you nor Jake really understood. It was something about getting sick from being out in the cold and rain. You just smiled, nodded, and gave him the occasional “Mhmm.”

When you got home, you went to your room and saw a large envelope on your bed that read “New York University.” You knew what that meant. Everyone knew what that meant. You opened the envelope with shaking hands. 

You read, “Congratulations! You have been admitted to New York University for the Fall 2014 semester.” 

Fuck.

When Jake got home, Sam was already asleep and Josh ran into the shower. Jake paced around his room. He looked at the film posters and sketches Josh had taped all over his wall. He picked up the papers off of Josh’s shelf.

He read, “Mr. Joshua Kiszka, Congratulations! You have been admitted to Michigan State University for the Fall 2014 semester.” 

He put down the letter and looked over at Sam sleeping and looked up the wall just above his head. Awards and certificates from robotics club, junior debate team, and honor roll were lined up one after the other. He sighed. 

He looked over at his guitar sitting on his bed and smiled.

“Fuck college. I’m talented. I’m gonna make it,” he paused, “one day.”

April 2014:

Spring was finally here. All the snow had melted, little leaf buds were poking out of the tree branches, and the sun was shining warm for the first time in what felt like forever. 

You and Jake decided you were going to make the best of the warm weather. Jake’s favorite thing to do was to take you on hikes. He fit in perfectly with nature. He knew all these secret places in town with paths, hills, and cliffsides that he explored with you.

He would pick up frogs, take his shoes off and walk through creeks with you on his back, and feed deer that came close enough to him. One day, you were walking in the woods far behind his house. Jake was in front of you, in search of something that he wanted to show you. Once you walked far enough, you came to a huge boulder the size of a car. 

“Here it is!” he said, looking back at you.

“A giant rock?” you asked, laughing.

“No! Well, yeah,” he laughed. “But it’s not just any rock. This one is special,” he said.

It was as tall as he was, maybe a little taller. He expertly climbed up to the top of it and held his hand out for you to follow him. You used his hand to pull you up and then you both sat down on top of it with your legs dangling off the edge. Even though it was spring, the surface of the rock was still cold and you felt the chill of it through your jeans. 

“What’s so special about this rock?” you asked playfully.

“A lot of firsts happened here,” he began, counting on his fingers, “First time I punched Josh in the face, first time I threw up drunk,” he laughed and paused for a second, “first kiss.” 

“Ooh first kiss?” you teased, pushing him a little. 

“Mhmm, Madison Carter, seventh grade.” 

“You kissed Madison Carter?” you asked, kind of shocked at his choice of girl. She was not Jake’s ‘type’ at all. She was the definition of a stereotypical, mean, popular girl. 

“Are you jealous?” he teased, stretching the word while flashing you that full toothed smile and wide eyes. 

“Is Madison Carter here with you now?” you asked, your voice going up an octave with the question. 

“No…” he said slowly.

“Then no. I’m not jealous,” you stated matter of factly, “I know I could kiss you better than her anyway.” 

“Yeah?” he raised his eyebrows, “prove it.”

Slowly, you leaned your head closer to his and watched him close his eyes in anticipation. You closed the gap between the two of you, connecting your lips to his. He snaked his hand around your waist and pulled you closer. You grabbed the back of his neck and bit down on his bottom lip lightly, holding onto it with your teeth. You pulled your head away to break from him, while still holding his bottom lip in between your teeth. After a few seconds, you let go and watched his lip fall back into place as he opened his eyes.

His mouth hung open for a second and he looked shocked. Almost as if he couldn’t believe you just did that to him. His shocked expression faded into a smile as he spoke.

“Eh, I guess that was a little better,” he teased. 

You turned your body to face him, sat criss crossed, and rested your hands on his thigh. 

“So, what’s the ‘first’ that’s happening right now?” You asked.

“I’m with my first love,” he said as a satisfied smile spread across his face. 

You looked down and smiled. When you looked back up, his expression was serious. He looked at you and his soft, tired eyes had the most loving look in them. You looked deep into them. The sunlight highlighted the caramel and gold colors which bursted out of the chocolate brown base of his irises. 

He picked your hands up off his lap and planted kisses to your knuckles.

He lowered them down and continued, “It’s also a last, though,” he sighed, “My last day of being seventeen.”

You brushed the hair out of his eyes and dragged your hand down his cheek, rubbing the top of his cheekbone with your thumb. 

“Bittersweet, huh?” you asked quietly.

He nodded and started to get up, brushing off the back of his jeans with his hands as he stood. 

“But! I get my license tomorrow. I mean, if it all goes well, ya know?” 

Jake stood up on the rock and looked down at the ground below him. Quickly, he flung himself off it and landed on his feet with a thud. He turned around to face you and waved for you to jump. 

“Jake I am not jumping off this,” you warned.

“Baby, come on, it’s not even that high off the ground. This is a spot for first times! Jump!”

You shook your head at him quickly and smiled, biting your bottom lip.

“Would you like this to be the first time I break a bone?” you asked, jokingly but also seriously. 

“Here, I’ll catch you,” he said, taking a step closer and extending his arms out.

You stood up slowly, closed your eyes, and breathed out hard. You bent your legs, swung your arms back a little, and pushed your feet off the rock, jumping down to Jake below you.

Your body crashed into his. You felt his arms grab you tight around your back. His legs stumbled with the force of you crashing into him. He fell backwards onto the ground with you on top of him. Both of you laughed as you hit the ground.

“I thought you said you would catch me!” You teased him.

“I did, didn’t I?” He laughed as his shoulders moved up and down and his whole body shook from laughing. His eyes squinted into two little crescent moons. 

You sat up, straddled his waist, and leaned down to kiss him gently. 

He broke away from you and smiled, placing his head back down on the ground.

“You know, we’re sitting in the exact spot I threw up in,” he giggled. 

“You’re absolutely disgusting,” you laughed as you crawled off him and extended your hand to lift him to his feet. 

Together you walked back to civilization with him leading the way.

Jake didn’t know it then, but there was also another last that day. It was the last time he would ever go back to that spot. 

April 23, 2014:

It was Jake’s 18th birthday. You were getting ready to go to the Kiszka’s house to celebrate Jake and Josh’s big day when the doorbell rang. You went downstairs and opened the door to see Jake standing there with a huge smile on his face. 

“What are you doing here?” you asked, in shock, practically forgetting it was his birthday.

His eyes squinted as he flashed a little white card in between his fingers. 

“Is that what I think it is?” You asked suspiciously.

“Fuck yeah! I’m legal, baby!” He said, picking you up and spinning you around. 

He planted a deep kiss on your lips while lifting you up. 

“Happy birthday, Baby,” you giggled as he held you in the air, holding you under your butt.

He scrunched up his nose as you sprinkled his face with a bunch of tiny kisses.

He put you down and put his freshly earned license in his wallet.

“Come on, go pack a bag. We’re going on a trip.”

“What?” You asked. 

“You heard me, we’re going on a trip,” he repeated.

“Where?”

“So many questions!” he joked. “Get upstairs, go!” 

He smacked your ass lightly before turning you around by the shoulders and gently pushing you back into your house. 

He followed you up the stairs, down the hallway, and towards your room. Before you entered, you turned to him.

“Wait here for a second,” you said, sliding into the room and closing the door behind you.

“Are you hiding my present?” he asked from the other side of the door. He sounded like a little kid on Christmas waiting for Santa.

“Maybe,” you flirted.

You slid his present into your backpack carefully and slid the NYU acceptance paperwork into your desk drawer. You hadn’t brought it up to him yet. You planned to tell him after his birthday, when the time was right.

You opened the door back up to see Jake leaning against the hallway wall, arms folded, eyes closed, and a small smile spread across his face. You smiled at him and shook your head. 

“Get in here,” you said as you grabbed his wrist, and pulled him out of his trance and into your room. 

Jake still wouldn’t tell you where you were going or how long you were going for. You held stuff up to him and he would either say “yes” or “no” depending on if he thought you would need it or not. As he gave you his approval of things, you put them in your backpack. 

You held up a black bra and a matching thong, raising your eyebrows at him. You placed them on your bed in front of him. You watched his Adam's apple bob up and down as he swallowed hard. 

You spoke slowly and ran your fingers over the lace details of the pieces, “Do you think I-”

“Yeah you need those. You definitely need those,” he said as he nodded his head quickly with his eyes wide.

You giggled, put the set in your backpack, and looked back at him. He was looking down and you caught a glimpse of that little nervous smile on his face. 

After a few more approvals and disapprovals of things, he said, “Okay that’s good. Let’s go.”

It looked to be enough stuff for just a day or two. You went to the bathroom to get your toothbrush and some other toiletries. Jake leaned against the doorframe, impatiently tapping his fingers on the wall as you carefully put the items into the front pocket of your backpack. 

When you were done, you went downstairs to explain to your mom what was going on and somehow, she already knew, giving Jake a wink from across the room. 

“Did you…” you began.

“Why do you think I told you to get your laundry done yesterday?” she asked, smirking.

You said goodbye to her and Jake led you back to the Jeep in your driveway. He opened the passenger side door for you to get in and took your backpack and placed it in the backseat. You turned back to look at him as he moved things around back there, giving you a peek at a large case of beer that was covered with a blanket and smiling mischievously at you. 

“Since when can 18 year olds buy beer?” you asked, jokingly.

“I’m 22 according to the state of Georgia,” he said as he closed the back door and opened the front. 

He got in the driver’s seat, put the car in gear, and slowly backed out of the driveway.

After a few minutes, you saw the AUF WIEDERSEHEN sign which indicated you were leaving town. Now that he had his license, he could go anywhere he wanted. 

Today was his 18th birthday. He could be doing anything right now. He could be spending the day with his family- and his twin brother. But here he was, spending it with you.

Part of you felt like you didn’t deserve him. You tried not to think about the secret you were holding from him. Especially when just last month you made him promise he wouldn’t keep any secrets from you. But you put those thoughts in the back of your mind for the time being.

Jake drove on the highway for a while, holding your leg with his right hand the entire time like he always did and tapping his fingers on it to the music on the radio. 

“Do you want me to tell you where we’re going now?” he asked as he gave your leg a squeeze.

“Ugh finally! Yes, please,” you practically begged. 

You turned your body to face him, and his eyes never left the road as he spoke. 

“So, my family has this cabin up by Lake Huron. We go every summer for a few weeks. I’ve been wanting to take you there for ages but my mom said I had to have my license first. So now that I do, I can finally take you,” he said happily.

“You could be doing anything in the world today and you’re spending the day with me?” You asked, sounding a little guilty. “What about Josh? And your parents?”

“Baby, I have spent every second of the last eighteen years with Josh. I can’t remember a single day I spent without him. I need a break from him. Besides, my parents knew I would be leaving today so we did something last night,” he assured you.

Jake opened all the windows to the car and the fresh air blasted through, blowing wind through your hair. You felt a sudden burst of freedom you had never felt before. You and Jake were both officially adults. It felt weird. But it felt good. 

He extended his left arm out the window and let out the happiest “Ahhh” you had ever heard. There was pure joy behind it. Like he felt completely at ease and at peace for the first time in a long time.

After an hour or so, Jake steered off the highway and through winding back roads with cute little cabins and cottages staggered throughout the wooded area. He turned into a gravel driveway and looked over at you as he put the car in park. 

“This is it!” he said excitedly. 

It was a typical Michigan lake cabin. A two story house with wood siding, a front porch, and slightly overgrown trees and bushes covering the yard and blocking most of the windows. 

He jumped out of his side of the car and ran over to you, opening the passenger door and extending his hand to you. You hopped out onto the gravel driveway and he led you up the stairs and towards the front door. 

He jiggled the key in the lock and when he opened it, he bent down to pick you up. He grabbed the back of your legs and placed his other arm around your back. You held your hands around his neck and he kicked the door open, walking with you in his arms through the doorway, giggling. 

The walls were covered with wood paneling, framed paintings of nature scenes, and a staircase leading up to a balcony which looked down on the living room and kitchen. It was exactly what you pictured. 

Jake carried you upstairs into the master bedroom. He threw you down on the bed and you laid back, resting on your elbows. He looked down at you with love in his eyes and bit his bottom lip.

“C’mere,” you whispered.

Slowly, he came closer to you. Lowering himself on top of you and placing soft kisses all over your face. You connected your lips with his and kissed him hard. He teased his tongue against your bottom lip and you let him in. You repeated the action to him. He pulled away from your lips and attached his to your neck. His lips were wet, and warm on the sensitive skin of your neck. His movements gave your whole body goosebumps. The combination of him sucking, biting, and smoothing his tongue over the slightly bruised spots sent you into another world. 

“Mmm, Jake,” you moaned.

“Yeah, you like that?” he asked, as his voice vibrated against your neck, making you giggle. 

He continued at you like that for a few minutes. Both of you started teasing each other, tugging at clothes, and wandering hands up and down each other’s bodies, wanting more and seeing how far the other person would take things.

Finally, you moved your neck and pushed his face away. He looked down at you with those soft, tired eyes again.

“You okay?” he breathed out, looking deep into your eyes with concern.

“Yeah, just let me look at you for a second,” you whispered, cupping his face in your hand and rubbing his cheek with your thumb.

You wanted to get a good look at him. Something inside you told you to remember this moment. Your eyes scanned his face. He was different since the first time you kissed him. His face had less baby fat on it, making his jaw sharper. The acne that was once on his forehead had faded away. His hair was longer and straighter. His cheeks and chin were rougher with more facial hair poking through. He had little brown dots just above his lip from where he had recently shaved. 

For the first time, you saw him as a man.

“You’re beautiful,” you said, almost in a whisper.

Jake smiled.

“I love you,” you said.

“I love you,” he replied as he placed the most delicate kiss on your lips. 

“But,” he said, “we can't do this here. I’m pretty sure Sam was conceived in this bed.”

He had a look of disgust on his face and he looked down before continuing, “Actually, Josh and I probably were too now that I think about it.”

“Ew,” you laughed as you started to sit up.

Jake sat up and shook his hair out, regaining his composure after those past few heated minutes and his little epiphany. You sat up and grabbed his hands and pulled them into your lap.

“Do you want your present now?” you asked with your eyes glimmering.

“Okay!” he said happily.

You slid off the bed, bent over with your back facing him, and dug into your backpack.

“Close your eyes,” you said flirtatiously. 

“But I like this view,” he teased.

You turned your head around and gave him a “really?” kind of look. 

Jake reluctantly closed his eyes and you turned around with the wrapped gift. You placed it in his lap and allowed him to open his eyes. 

“Oooh,” he said, looking at the gift and looking at you. Judging by the shape, it was obvious that it was a vinyl record. 

He ripped off the paper and his eyes widened. 

“No way! Where the hell did you find this? I’ve been looking for this everywhere!” 

“I got a little help from a certain little brother of yours,” you laughed. 

He laughed, shook his head, and looked down at it like it was made of gold.

“Stephen Stills, the first one,” he breathed out, shocked.

“Do you like it?”

“Do I like it? Baby, one of the best songs of all time is on this album.” 

All you could do was stare at him and smile. He had a glow in his eyes. You recognized that glow anywhere because it was the same look in his eyes that he had every time he looked at you. 

“I love it, thank you,” he said, looking up at you and pushing his lips out for you to kiss him. 

You spent the afternoon and early part of the evening exploring outside with him. He took you places he explored with his siblings as a kid. And of course, he showed you yet another place where he cracked his head open. 

You sat on a hilltop and watched the sunset in his arms. He held you tight and hummed songs in your ear as the two of you watched the sky change from blue, to orange, to black. 

You felt completely safe in his arms. No matter where you were, when you were with him, you were home. 

You walked back to the cabin in the moonlight. When you got back, Jake ordered a pizza while you showered; and then he showered himself. While he was upstairs, you found an unopened bottle of wine and glasses in a cabinet. You took out two and poured some of the dark burgundy liquid in each. 

He walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. His hair was damp and he was wearing plaid pajama pants and a forest green t-shirt. The shoulders of the shirt were sprinkled with little drops of water that fell from his hair.

“Ooh, what’s this for?” He asked as he spotted the glasses on the kitchen counter.

“You, birthday boy,” you said, approaching him and pulling him in for a kiss. 

He held your waist and leaned back, looking at you up and down. 

All you had on was a big white t-shirt with a little black “Greta Van Fleet” logo in the top corner. The shirt was just see through enough for him to know what you were wearing underneath- the black lace set you held up for him in your room earlier. 

“Mmm, happy birthday to me,” he said as he licked his lips. 

He reached for the glasses, handing you one. You clinked them together and each took a sip.

He gasped quietly and whispered, “The record!” 

He pulled away, ran up the stairs, and came back down with it in his hands. He was skipping around a little bit as he walked over to the record player. You could tell he was excited. He took it out of the casing and held the sides with his fingertips delicately. He placed it on the turntable and set the needle on it carefully. 

The beginning of the first song of the album filled the air. He closed his eyes, tilted his head back, and smiled. He was in heaven.

He moved his head along with the song and walked over to you slowly. He extended his hand and leaned back on one foot.

“Dance with me,” he said. 

You took his hand and he pulled you towards him. He gave you a kiss on the cheek and then spun you around. He pulled you back in and sang in your ear as he rocked you back and forth,

“There’s a rose in the fisted glove

And the eagle flies with the dove

And if you can’t be with the one you love, honey

Love the one you’re with, love the one you’re with.”

You spun out of his arms and faced him. You grabbed his hands in yours as he continued to sing. He closed his eyes and smiled the biggest smile you’ve ever seen from him. 

He started singing louder and he swayed back and forth, holding onto your hands lightly, spinning you around the kitchen as the song continued.

“Don’t be angry, don’t be sad

Don’t sit crying over good times you’ve had,”

He let go of your hands and pointed at you. 

“There’s a girl right next to you,

And she’s just waiting for something to do.”

You giggled and shook your head at how silly he was being. He looked absolutely adorable. 

Jake spun himself around on his feet and ran back to you to scoop you up again. You held him around his back and put your head on his chest. You rocked back and forth with him again as the song carried on.

He picked you up by the waist and put you on the counter. You wrapped your legs around him. 

“Love the one you’re with

Love the one you’re with

Love the one you’re with

Love the one you’re with,” 

you both sang out, kissing each other between each line.

As the song ended and as the next one began, Jake pulled you off the countertop and into a deep hug. You rested your head on his shoulder and he rubbed your back. 

“I absolutely love you,” he said, “you’re my forever, you know that?”

You looked at him. His eyes were filled with happiness and love.

“Forever?” You asked.

“Forever,” he repeated. 

He kissed your forehead lovingly and held you there for a few more minutes until the pizza arrived.

The both of you listened to the rest of the record as you ate. He explained which songs were his favorites and why. You could listen to him talk about music all day. He had such deep thoughts about it. You never thought about music this way, until he came along. He showed you that music should make you feel something. It should spark something inside of you in a way nothing else ever could. It should set your soul free and make you feel at home. 

You and Jake drank a lot of beer that night, stayed up late giggling and messing around, and ended up falling asleep in the early morning hours on the couch with the fireplace going. 

You spent all of the next day together out in nature and in the little downtown area you stayed near, and then drove home at night. 

Jake took you home and when he got home, he showed the record to his siblings. 

“I tried getting this like a month ago on Ebay but someone outbid me,” he explained to Sam.

“Hmm, I wonder who that was?” Sam chuckled.

“She didn’t…” he said. 

“She did,” Sam replied, smiling.

Jake fell back on his bed, laughing to himself. He was absolutely, utterly, and completely in love and everyone around him knew it. 

Sam got up off his bed to leave Jake alone in his own world and before he left completely, he turned to Jake and said, “Stephen Stills 2 is better though,” with a huge smirk on his face. 

May 2014:

Senior year was coming to an end. There were just two months left of school and the kids and teachers had all given up. Each afternoon was dedicated to figuring out details for prom and graduation. 

You knew you were going to prom with Jake. He didn’t even have to ask you. It was obvious. 

You got to his house when the school day was over to spend the afternoon together. It was a Friday so your parents allowed you to stay there later. They were also okay with you occasionally sleeping at Jake’s house on weekends if it was too late at night for him to drive you back.

Jake opened the door and the two of you walked into the kitchen to get something to eat. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said, walking down the hallway to his room. You heard the door close and open a minute later and the sound of his footsteps got louder as he approached the kitchen again. 

His hands were behind his back and he was breathing heavily. 

“What are you doing?” You laughed as you opened a jar of cookies.

“I want to ask you something,” he replied nervously.

“You’re scaring me, Jake,” you said. 

He pulled his hands from behind his back, holding a bouquet of a dozen red roses out to you. 

“Y/N,” he began, “Will you go to prom with me?” He asked, biting his lip.

You took the bouquet in your hands and looked at it. Each rose was perfectly blossomed and accompanied by tiny little babies breath flowers and green leaves. You smiled brightly back at him and looked down at the bouquet, admiring it for a moment. You looked back up at him to see that his face was still full of worry.

“Eh, I’m gonna have to think about it,” you joked.

“Shut up!” he laughed.

Holding the roses, you crossed your hands behind his back and pulled him in. 

“Of course I’ll go to prom with you,” you said, connecting your lips with his in a deep kiss. 

He grabbed the back of your neck and continued kissing you, humming into your mouth and going for more of you until you heard a coughing sound from in the doorway. 

It was Josh standing there. He made a gagging noise, walked over to you and Jake, pushed between the two of you, and hopped up on the counter, taking the jar of cookies in his lap. 

You put the bouquet of flowers down on the counter. Josh handed you a cookie and threw one at Jake. 

“So prom?” he asked, “are you guys officially going together, or did she say no?” he joked.

“Judging by what you just walked in on, I think you can assume she said yes,” Jake stated.

Josh nodded approvingly. 

“Are you going with anyone, Josh?” you asked.

“Kind of,” he shrugged, “the drama kids are all going as a group. We rented a lake house for the weekend after if you guys want to come.” 

Jake grabbed another cookie out of the jar and bit a piece off, talking with a piece of the cookie in his mouth. 

“No offense, Joshua, but spending prom weekend with a bunch of drunk theater kids isn’t exactly what I had in mind,” Jake laughed. 

You smiled at him and held back your laughter. 

“It’ll be fun but suit yourself!” Josh said as he jumped off the countertop and skipped out the room with his footsteps fading as he went down the hallway.

You heard the boys’ bedroom door shut and Jake grabbed you by the waist, closing the gap between you previously made by Josh. 

“Mmm, get over here,” he said, connecting your lips to his again, softly. You tasted the sweet flavor of chocolate on his lips.

You pulled back. His hands were connected behind your back and yours ran up and down his chest. 

“So what exactly do you have in mind for prom weekend?” you asked, as you moved your hands down to his stomach.

“I don’t know yet,” he said, “But I know I’m gonna be with you. That’s all I need to know right now.” 

“Well, I might have something in mind,” you said quietly, looking down, and playing with the bottom of his t-shirt.

He lifted your chin up to look at him. His eyes squinted a little, like he was trying to read your face for an answer to an unspoken question. You didn’t have to say anything. He knew what you were thinking. 

“Are you trying to tell me you’re-”

“Ready?” you interrupted.

He nodded.

“Yeah,” you whispered.

Jake breathed in sharply and held it in for a second. Even though he knew it was coming, he was still a little stunned. 

He breathed out slowly and let go of your chin. He put both his hands on your face with his thumbs resting on your cheeks, and looked into your eyes. 

“You’re sure?” he whispered.

“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life,” you replied.

Jake swallowed hard. His eyes darted all over your face and his mouth opened a little. He didn’t know what to say. He always had a smooth comeback of something to say. But this time, he didn’t. He was speechless. You knew his thoughts were racing.

“Jake, say something,” you practically begged.

Before you knew it, his lips crashed into yours. He kissed you hard and passionately. The kiss was unlike any other you’d ever experienced before. It was rough and needy. It sent shivers down your spine and made the hair on the back of your neck stand up. He was going at you hungrily. You started laughing and broke away from him. 

“Jesus, Jake! I didn’t mean right now!” you joked. 

He laughed to himself, realizing he got carried away. 

“I know, I’m sorry,” he said, still laughing. 

He let you go and leaned against the counter next to you. He popped another cookie into his mouth and chewed, looking at you with a stupid smile on his face as his jaw moved up and down. 

You slapped him lightly across his chest. 

“What?” you asked, giggling.

“Nothing!” he laughed, “I just love you, that’s all.” 

You kissed the tip of his nose, “Mhm, love you too. Now, come on.”

You grabbed the jar of cookies and he followed you out of the kitchen and onto the couch. You sat down and he threw himself down next to you. He grabbed your legs and pulled them onto his lap. He rubbed up and down your thighs before digging his hand into the jar again. 

“You know this is so cliche right? Losing our virginities on prom night?” he joked.

“Keep talking and I’ll make you wait longer,” you warned him playfully. 

He closed his mouth tightly and looked at you through the corners of his eyes, holding back laughter. He put another cookie into his mouth and fought back a smile as he chewed. 

“How many of these are you going to eat?” you laughed.

“You’re right, I should stop. I have to watch my figure,” he teased, “You’re gonna see me naked soon.” 

Prom Night:

You sat at your desk, putting the finishing touches on your makeup. The bouquet of roses Jake gave you was sitting in a vase of water on your desk next to you. They had been slowly dying but you kept them anyway. 

Once you finished, you carefully put on your dress. It was a deep burgundy color that had sequin embellishments on the top half, a sweetheart neckline, and straps that rested just off your shoulders. It hugged your hips and flared out a little at the bottom perfectly. You ran your hands down your body, looked at yourself in the mirror and took a deep breath. Tonight was the night. You were ready. There was no doubt in your mind. 

You mom knocked on the door and poked her head through to tell you Jake had arrived. You gave yourself one last look of approval, and went to meet him.

As you got to the top of the stairs, you looked down and saw him standing there, talking to your parents. He was wearing a sharp black suit with a burgundy tie to match your dress. In his hand, he held a corsage. His hair was long and covered his forehead and the sides of his face. You had never seen him dressed up before. He looked perfect. 

Jake turned his head and looked up the stairs, smiling. The second he saw you, the smile he had faded and his mouth opened. His eyes never left yours as he watched you walk down the stairs. When you got to the bottom, he walked over to you and put his hand on your waist and moved it to rest on your lower back.

“You look,” he paused for a second, “absolutely beautiful.”

You smiled and looked up at him, “Thank you. You look handsome.” 

He gave you a light kiss and pulled away to take the corsage out of the box and put it on your wrist, a burgundy rose with black ribbons and dark green leaves. You pinned a matching boutonniere to his suit jacket. 

You took pictures and your parents hugged you goodbye. They knew you’d be staying with Jake for the night. 

Jake escorted you out to the car and opened the door for you. He helped you get in and leaned in to kiss you deeper, now that your parents weren’t watching. He stopped and put his hands on the seat, both hands rested on either side of your legs. 

“Seriously,” he began, “you are the most beautiful woman in the world.” 

You took a second to take in the word he used. Woman.

His eyes scanned your face and he shook his head as a smile crept on his face. It was almost like he couldn’t believe what he was looking at. 

The sunset in the distance highlighted the red undertones in his hair and made his eyes sparkle. His skin had a slight tan from him being outside recently. But other than that, something about him was different. He had a confidence about himself you’d never seen in him before. 

Jake got in the driver’s side and held out his hand for you to hold. You took it and he brought it to his mouth and kissed it. He rubbed the top with his thumb as he drove.

When you got to the venue, you met up with Josh and the rest of your friends. Josh was wearing a similar black suit to Jake’s, but with lavender details to match one of his friends. 

“You look radiant,” Josh said as he hugged you.

“Aw thank you! You look so handsome, Joshua,” you replied sweetly. 

“Save a dance for me,” he said as he winked at you and walked back over to his friends. 

You and Jake had a night straight out of a fairytale. You danced with friends and each other the entire time. And of course, you saved a dance for Josh, who you later found out was pretty tipsy from taking shots in the bathroom. Those theater kids really were wild. 

About halfway through the night, you and Jake went outside to get some air. You looked out at the field behind the venue. The sky was filled with what looked to be millions of stars. The moon was full and bright. 

Jake turned you around to face the sky. He held you from behind and rested his head on your shoulder. You rested your hands on top of his and tilted your head back onto him. 

“Can I just hold you for a second?” he asked. 

You nodded, closed your eyes, and breathed in deep with him. 

Jake was taking in the last few moments of innocence he had left. He knew after tonight, things would be different. Things would never be this pure and sweet again. He was saying goodbye to the last part of his childhood. He was about to cross the threshold into becoming a man. He was nervous. But he was ready. 

He closed his eyes and smiled into your neck, kissing it gently and tickling you with his hair. You pulled away and turned around, giving him a soft kiss on the lips. He held your waist and led you back inside to finish the night. 

 When the prom had ended, you said bye to Josh and your friends. Josh kissed you on the cheek and wished you a good night. Jake and Josh hugged tight and did that twin thing they do where they spoke without really saying any words.

You and Jake walked back to his car hand in hand. He stopped you before you got in, placing his hands on your waist and giving you the softest kiss on the lips.

“I had the most amazing time with you tonight,” you said.

“Yeah, me too,” he smiled, biting his lip, “you ready to go home?” he asked.

“Mhm,” you said quietly, nodding your head.

The drive back to Jake’s house was quiet. You both knew why. He was breathing deep in the driver’s seat, his hands were shaking as he held the steering wheel. There was a reason he wasn’t holding your hands or your leg like he normally would. He was nervous and one thing Jake didn’t do well was hide nerves. He got quiet, jittery, and zoned out a little. 

Jake pulled into the empty driveway of the dark house. Only the front door light was on. Sam was at Danny’s house and his parents took Ronnie to visit his grandparents for the weekend. They knew Josh would be away and figured you and Jake would want to be alone anyway.

When you entered the house, it felt like the time he snuck you in, in November. Back then, you were a little nervous. But this time, your heart was pounding and adrenaline was running through your veins like never before. What started as an innocent kiss in his garage had turned into something much bigger than the two of you.

Jake closed the front door behind you and pushed you against it softly as he kissed you. You grabbed the back of his neck and deepened the kiss. You pushed him back a little and saw his eyes still closed, lips wet, and a hint of a smile forming. He opened his eyes and blinked slowly, like he was in a dream.

“Come on,” he whispered.

He grabbed both your hands and pulled you off the door and down the hallway towards his room. You both walked in and he closed the door. He took a deep breath in through his nose and let it back out through his mouth.

The moonlight was coming through the window, shining on his bed. 

You stood in the middle of the room and took off your jewelry, placing it carefully on Josh’s bed. The only piece you kept on was the necklace Jake gave you for Christmas. 

Jake walked over to you, took his tie off, and tossed it next to your jewelry. He unbuttoned the top few buttons of the white shirt he had on and pulled you close to him, resting his hands on your waist. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asked, looking deep into your eyes.

“I want to give you something no one else can have,” you whispered. 

A small smile appeared on his face and then his expression changed back to being serious as he spoke.

“You tell me if you want me to stop, or if I’m hurting you, okay?” 

“Okay,” you assured him.

“You trust me?” 

“I trust you,” you confirmed.

“I love you,” he said softly.

“I love you too, Jake.” 

Jake took his time with you. He was gentle, sweet, and loving. He was everything you could have asked him to be. You knew he was nervous, but he wanted this to be perfect for you. And it was. It was absolutely perfect. He put all of his anxiety behind him to make sure you were comfortable. He had wanted this for longer than you had and he still made it all about you. 

You laid there next to him with your head on his chest and your legs tangled in his. His breathing slowed down and his heartbeat went back to normal. He rubbed your back and swirled his fingers along your spine. You looked up at him. The moonlight was shining on his face, highlighting his cheekbones and casting shadows over his eyes. The sweat on his face glistened in the faint white light coming through the window.

You sat up a little and reached your hand out to wipe his hair out of his face. The sweat on his forehead caused his hair to curl up just a bit. His eyes were calm and soft. The faintest smile spread across his face as he looked down at you. He was absolutely glowing.

“Thank you,” you whispered, rubbing your thumb over his cheek bone.

He lifted your chin with his knuckle and kissed your forehead. 

“I love you more than ever,” he said quietly. 

You didn’t reply but he didn’t need you to. He knew you loved him more than ever too.  

You thought you loved him that day in the snow. You thought you loved him when he took you to the cliffside and you watched the stars. You thought you loved him when he danced around the kitchen to his favorite song. But at that moment, after giving him the last of yourself, you loved him more than you would ever love him or anyone else.

“Go to sleep, Baby,” he whispered, putting your head back down on his chest and rubbing your back again. 

You fell asleep that night to the sound of his heartbeat and the rising and falling of his chest underneath you. 

You woke up the next morning with Jake’s leg on top of yours,his face nuzzled into your neck, and his arm wrapped around your stomach. The hairs on his legs tickled yours and the sounds of his light snoring made you giggle. You cuddled yourself against him and closed your eyes for a few more moments, taking it all in. You smelled Jake’s cologne on the pillow, which made your heart flutter with memories. 

You pulled yourself out of his grasp a bit to sit up on your elbow and look around. The events of last night replayed in your mind after looking at the pile of accessories on Josh’s bed, your dress on the floor, pieces of Jake’s suit thrown around the room, and a little silver wrapper on the nightstand. You turned your head back to look at him and smiled.

The whole “afterglow” thing was real and you could see it on Jake. The morning sun was shining on him through the window. The olive tones of his tan were coming through, and just a hint of pink appeared on his cheeks. His mouth was open slightly and his lips were a little swollen. He looked so peaceful. You brushed the hair out of his eyes and kissed his cheek. 

He raised his eyebrows, took a deep breath in, and blinked a few times. Smiling and letting out a sigh when he realized you were next to him. 

“Mmm, good morning,” he said in a deep, morning voice.

“Morning,” you replied sweetly.

He let out a hum and pulled you closer to him, tightening his hold. He kissed the side of your face and down your neck a little, softly.

“Sleep well last night?” he spoke into your neck.

“Mhmm,” you replied.

You and Jake laid there in a daze for what felt like just minutes even though it was closer to an hour. You could tell from his breathing that he fell back asleep briefly. When he woke back up, he sat up and scooted to the foot of his bed, pulling on a pair of underwear and kneeling at his nightstand drawer. He pulled out a shirt and a pair of boxers and handed them to you. 

“I’ll be right back,” he said, kissing your forehead, sneaking out of the room, and closing the door behind him. 

You put on his clothes, laid back down in his bed, and breathed in his scent on the pillow. He knocked softly on the door and opened it. He walked over to you with two cups of coffee. You sat up and he handed you one. 

“I put extra sugar in yours,” he said.

“Thank you, Baby,” you replied, smiling at him. 

He sat down at the edge of the bed and took a sip.

“So,” he began, “did you have fun last night?” He asked suggestively, giving you a playful smirk.

You giggled, “Shut up.”

He let out a laugh through his nose and looked at you softly. His expression turned more serious before he spoke again, “You okay?” he asked quietly.

“I have never been better,” you assured him. 

“Good,” he whispered back, kissing your cheek. 

You scooted over, he crawled into the bed next to you, and both of you leaned against the headboard and continued to drink the coffee as you talked for a little. 

“Could you tell?” he asked.

“Tell what?”

“Tell how fucking nervous I was?” He laughed.

“From your hands shaking the entire time? No, I couldn’t tell,” you answered sarcastically and laughed.

You leaned your head against his shoulder. 

“You were perfect,” you assured him.

He let out a sigh of relief and turned his face to kiss the top of your head.

“You wanna shower? You can go first,” he said with his chin rested on the top of your head. You snuck your head out from under him and turned to face him.

“What if you come with me?” you suggested.

He raised his eyebrows at you. “With you as in…”

You crawled over him, got out of bed, and started walking out of the room. When you got to the door, you turned around and looked at him.

“You coming or what?” you giggled. 

Jake jumped out of bed to follow you into the bathroom. You’ve never seen him move faster. 

You spent the day with Jake at his house. Mostly eating, cuddling on the couch, and doing other things that you were both a little more comfortable doing after last night. 

Sam got home in the late afternoon, walking through the door with a huge backpack on his shoulder. His skinny frame struggled to keep it up.

“Hey,” he said as he kicked his shoes off and slid the backpack onto the floor. “How was prom?”

“Good,” you and Jake replied simultaneously.

“Good? That’s it?” he asked.

“That’s it,” Jake answered.

“Hmm,” Sam said, almost suspiciously. He pointed at the two of you. “You guys look different,” he said bluntly.

“That doesn’t make any sense, Sammy,” Jake said nonchalantly.

“Yeah, Sam, you were gone for one night. How different could we possibly be?” you added.

Sam’s eyes squinted at the both of you. As someone who was very intelligent, he didn’t like when he didn’t understand what was going on. And as the youngest child, he felt like that often. He knew something was up but he couldn’t put his finger on it. He rolled his eyes and turned to walk down the hall. His footsteps faded away and he got closer to the boys’ room.

As the door of the room closed, you heard “What the fuck?” from Sam in the room. You and Jake both looked at each other, wide eyed, when it hit you that you didn’t clean up the room from last night. 

When you heard Sam start the shower, you and Jake went back into the room and got rid of the evidence of last night’s events. You both decided it was a good time for you to go home, while Sam was out of the way. 

When you got home, you told your mom all about prom and how much fun you had, leaving out the explicit details of course. She saw how happy Jake made you.

You went to your room to put your things away and you looked at the flowers in the vase. All of them- completely dead. You pulled one out to save and took the rest downstairs to throw away.

“Flowers finally died?” your mom asked.

“Yeah,” you said as you smiled to yourself.

June 2014:

Graduation was in two weeks. Each senior had to turn in a sentence of their after graduation plans for the ceremony’s program booklet. You and Jake laid on his bed with a notebook open, thinking of what to write for him. Josh was on his bed, texting. He had already turned in his sentence. 

Jake stared at the ceiling with a pencil in his mouth. He was stuck. He didn’t exactly have typical post-graduation plans.

“What did you write, Josh?” he asked.

“I wrote that I was going to Michigan State to study filmmaking. It’s not that hard, don’t worry so much about it,” Josh shrugged.

“It’s easy to say that when you actually have a plan,” Jake said, rolling his eyes, “I can’t write that I’m not going to college so I can try my luck at being a rockstar.” 

He turned his head to look at you.

“Did you do yours yet?” he asked. 

You bit your lip, “Yeah, I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”

“Why?” he asked, looking back to the ceiling. 

You took a deep breath, looked over at him, and then looked over at Josh. 

“Josh,” you started, “Can you give us a second?” 

“Yeah sure. But if you guys start boning, I will tell the entire world about that one time when we were thirteen and Jake-”

“Okay, that’s enough,”  Jake interrupted, laughing.

Josh walked out of the room and shut the door behind him.

“I’m serious, Jake!” he called as you heard his voice trailing down the hallway, away from the door.

Jake sat up and smiled, “What do you want to talk about?”

You closed your eyes for a second and swallowed. 

“Please don’t say you’re pregnant,” Jake warned.

You sat up and laughed a little, “No,” you began, “It’s about this whole college thing.”

“Okay what is it?” he asked casually.

You grabbed his hands and put them in your lap. You didn’t know how to even begin to explain this to him.

“So, you know I got into Michigan, right?”

“Mhm,” he nodded.

“Well, I also got into NYU,” you added, swallowing hard.

“NYU? As in New York?” he asked. He had the most confused look on his face. 

You nodded silently.

“I mean, that’s great and all but you’re not actually gonna go,” he laughed. “You’re gonna stay here, right?” he said casually.

You bit your lip and looked down at his hands in your lap. He could tell that something was wrong because you weren’t looking him in the eyes. When you looked up, Jake’s face was full of worry. The gears were turning in his head as he put the pieces of the puzzle together. He knew where this conversation was going.

“Right?” he repeated, a little louder, with concern. 

“Jake,” you started.

“You’re going aren’t you?” His voice was full of sadness, with a bit of anger mixed in.

“Jake, please don’t be mad.” 

He got up off the bed, stood up, and looked down at you. 

“Don’t you have to commit to these things, like, months in advance? You knew about this for a while now, didn’t you? When did you find out about this? When did you decide that you were going?” 

As he rattled off questions, his tone got sharper. 

“March,” you sighed. You watched his face drop, “The night of your show,” you said quietly. 

“March?” He looked to the ceiling in disbelief.  “The night of the show where you told me not to keep secrets from you?”

You got off the bed, walked over to him, and grabbed his hands. He pulled them away from you and crossed his arms. His eyes weren’t soft and tired anymore. They were filled with anger and betrayal. His world was just flipped upside down by the one person he trusted the most. 

“Jake, I know you’re mad and I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier but there just wasn’t a good time. And your reaction right now is exactly why I waited so long to tell you,” you explained, “ I didn’t want to hurt you.”

There was a moment of silence and Jake looked to the ground before he spoke.

“You could’ve at least told me before I fucked you,” he said bluntly.

“Fucked me? Fucked me?!” You screamed as both your hands pushed into his chest and he stumbled backwards into his nightstand. The force of his back hitting it caused the entire piece of furniture to shake and things fell off the top of it and onto the floor.

His arms uncrossed and as he yelled he waved them around. “Yeah, that’s why you wanted me to do it, right? So you could get it over with before going to New York to get fucked by random guys like some cheap college slut? While I’m here, in fucking Michigan playing a bar gig once a week for two hundred fucking dollars?!”

Your jaw dropped and you breathed out hard. You could have sworn the world stopped moving for a split second. His words hurt you like nothing ever had before. It was as if he stabbed you in the chest and twisted the knife. Tears filled your eyes instantly and you looked at him with blurry vision.

“I can’t believe you just said that to me,” you whispered.

You saw the look of instant regret on his face. It was as if he couldn’t believe he just said that either. 

“Baby, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t mean that.”

He walked over to you and grabbed your hands but you stepped back from him, ripping away from his touch harshly. 

“No, you did,” you choked out, “you absolutely meant that.”

All he could do was shake his head and hope you would forgive him. He sat down, put his elbows on his knees, and rested his head in his hands. He was thinking. Hard. 

He looked up at you, his eyes begged you to say something. But you couldn’t. You were frozen standing there, there was a pain in your chest that still stung from his words.

He stood up and walked over to you. He wiped your tears and kissed your cheeks. You winced as he did it. You were disgusted by him right now and he knew it. You didn’t think he would ever hurt you the way he just did. 

He backed away from you once he realized he needed to give you space and explain himself.

“You just sprung this whole thing on me and I don’t know how to react to it. And then you tell me not to be mad? I’m losing everything I know. How am I not supposed to be mad?” he explained.

“How are you losing everything?” you asked, throwing your hands up in the air and letting them drop to your sides. 

He paused for a minute before speaking. It was just a second or two but it felt like forever.

“There’s two things in life I’m sure of. Music… and you. But now suddenly, life is telling me I can’t have either. And without those two things, I’m nothing.” 

His voice got shaky as tears formed in his eyes. He looked up at the ceiling and tried not to let them fall. 

“What makes you think you can’t have both?” you asked.

“I’m losing Josh, which means I’m losing the band,” he began.

“He’s going an hour away, it’s not the end of the world, Jake!” you cut him off as you tried to explain.

“This band is all I have!” he snapped.

“Okay and what? You don’t have me?” you shouted back.

“No, I don’t have you! Did you not just tell me you were going to go to New York?!”

“Baby, we could do long distance. We could make it work,” you suggested, trying to rationalize a plan.

“How could that ever work? For four years? At least? You realize what’s gonna happen right? You’re gonna get busy with classes and homework. You’re gonna make all new friends and have an entire new life. A life that doesn’t… doesn’t include me.” 

“Jake, you know that would nev-”

“No,” said softly and shook his head, “You know it’s true. We both do. I’m gonna lose you. You’ll forget me- and I can’t handle that. Might as well end it now. Save us both some time.”

He was looking down. He couldn’t even look you in the eyes.

Your jaw dropped in disbelief. You couldn’t believe he just said that. After everything the two of you had been through, he was just going to throw it all away like this? You knew he would be upset at the news you gave him but you never expected this reaction from him. 

“You really want that?” you whispered, praying he would change his mind. 

He shook his head, almost like he couldn’t believe the words coming out of his own mouth.

“I, I…” he stuttered. He couldn’t say it but you knew exactly what he was thinking. 

“You want me to leave? You want to end it now? Save you some time? Fine. I’m gone. We’re done,” you said sharply.

“That’s what I said! Go! You’re gonna do it anyway,” Jake said louder, motioning his hand to the door.

“You really want me to go?” you said. It was a question but at the same time, it wasn’t. You were confirming what he wanted.

“Yes, go! Go have fun getting bent over behind a bar by some rich New York guy. They love innocent little Midwestern girls over there,” he said, with rage in his voice.

Your eyes filled up with tears again as his words stabbed you in the heart once again. 

“Fuck you,” you said, looking at him through tear filled eyes.

“Yeah, fuck you, too, Baby. Have a nice life,” he said, lifting his chin and blowing you a kiss.

You shook your head at him in disbelief and walked to the door. You grabbed the door handle and flung it open to see Sam and Josh standing there, listening to everything. 

“Take me home, Josh,” you demanded.

He nodded quickly, looking at you with sympathy in his eyes.

Sam awkwardly walked away, not sure what he should do. 

Josh went into the room to get his keys and you heard him speak to Jake. 

“That was so fucked up,” he said. 

He met you in the hallway and left Jake in the room by himself.

As you walked down the hallway and towards the front door with Josh, you heard the boys’ bedroom door slam.  

Josh drove you home and sat in your driveway with you for hours while you told him everything. Everything.

He listened to what you had to say closely. He held you as you cried on his shoulder. He rubbed your back and petted your head, comforting you. His embrace was what you needed from Jake right now. But you needed someone, and other than Jake, he was a person you could trust.

Josh walked you inside and tucked you into bed. He made sure you were okay to leave alone before he left. He told your parents what happened so that you didn’t have to. 

You laid there, absolutely sick. You had a lump in your throat and your stomach was in knots. Your eyes and lips were swollen from all the crying you’d done in the past few hours. You didn’t even know your body could produce that many tears. Your heart was completely ripped out of your chest. 

You cried yourself to sleep that night. It was the first of many nights like that.

When Josh got back home, Jake was sitting on the couch in the basement with his elbows on his knees, and his head hanging low with his hands in his hair. 

Every part of his bedroom reminded him of you and he couldn’t be in there. The smell of you that he loved, lingered on his sheets and made him physically sick to the point of him vomiting. 

Josh didn’t want to get in the middle of things but he knew Jake needed him just as much as you did. 

Josh let Jake get it all out and calmed him down considerably. But Jake slept downstairs for the next week. When Jake finally returned to sleep in his bed, Josh pretended that he didn’t hear Jake crying every night. 

Jake skipped English class that entire week so you didn’t see him at school at all. You knew he was there because you saw his Jeep in the parking lot. He was avoiding you. You were glad he was though because you couldn’t handle seeing him. 

On Saturday morning, your heart stopped when you saw his name light up on your phone screen.

10:38 am: Can I see you? I can come to your house.

You sat there for a while thinking if you should reply or not. You wanted to see him. You needed to see him. You wanted him to hold you and tell you things were going to be okay and that he was willing to try. You wanted to feel his arms around you and his rough hands holding your face. You wanted to push his shaggy hair out of his eyes and see his smile shining bright. You had just the tiniest bit of hope that that would happen.

You took a deep breath and answered.

10:50 am: Okay

The doorbell rang shortly after and when you opened the door, you saw him standing there looking horrific. He had bags under his eyes and the color in his face had faded. His hair was a mess and his cheeks were hollowed out. You could tell he wasn’t sleeping or eating. You started to cry just looking at him. 

“Can we talk? Please?” he asked, practically begging.

You nodded and sat down on your front steps with him. 

He grabbed your hands and you felt his touch for the first time in a week.

“I’m sorry for what I said,” he began. 

“You should be,” you said quietly.

“I know. I just…I wanted you to be as mad as I was. I wanted you to feel guilty.”

You rolled your eyes, “Well then you got what you wanted, didn’t you?”

Tears formed in his eyes as he saw how hurt you were. He started breathing heavily and swallowed, fighting back the tears. He put his head down and closed his eyes.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said as a single tear from his eye fell onto your hand. 

“Jake,” you began, “Remember what we said? About seeing the world? What if this is my chance?” 

“I thought you said we would see the world together?” he said, looking up at you.

“Jake, please,” you begged him. 

Things changed. You always thought you would stay in Michigan with Jake and support him and his music. Maybe one day he would become successful and you’d be able to see the world with him. But with you and Josh leaving, and Jake’s dreams becoming more and more unattainable, it seemed like the only one who would be seeing the world was you. 

You wanted to go. Jake knew you wanted to go. But the thought of leaving him behind broke your heart, and the thought of you moving on with your life broke his. He knew once you left, he would lose you little by little. And you couldn’t help but wonder if he was right.

“You really want to go, don’t you?”

You nodded.

“Then, I have to let you go,” he said, “I love you, but I have to let you go,” he repeated. 

He kissed your lips softly, one last time. You kissed him back and held onto the moment for as long as you could. 

The tears on both your faces mixed together, causing both your cheeks to be wet. He pulled back and held your face in his hand, wiping the tears with his thumb. You shook your head, crying. His eyes that were once full of happiness and love, were full of pain and sadness.

“You’re gonna go see the world,” he whispered, “You’re gonna love it.”

With that, he kissed you on the cheek and got up. He walked over to the car, got in, and drove away. 

He left you there on the steps, absolutely crushed. 

You ran upstairs sobbing. You threw yourself into bed and clutched his hoodie close to feel some sort of comfort from him. You buried your face into it, smelling him on it and letting it absorb your tears.

Jake, the one person who you felt the most safe with, just completely shattered your heart into a million pieces and there was nothing you could do to fix it. There was no changing his mind. You stayed in your room for a while, just crying and thinking about him and what just happened.

A few hours later, you heard your doorbell ring. You went downstairs and opened the door to see his Jeep turning the corner. You looked down to see a cardboard box on your front step. When you looked inside, you felt a deep pain in your chest. Your hands shook as you picked through the items inside. A bunch of pictures of the two of you, your corsage from prom, and some of your clothes, including the big, white, Greta Van Fleet shirt. It wasn’t even your shirt. It was his, but he knew it was your favorite. Finally at the bottom- the Stephen Stills album you gave him for his birthday. You expected him to give you your stuff back. But you never expected to see that album sitting in the box. You picked up the album and a piece of paper, about the size of an index card, fell out. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath. You opened them back up and read…

Go see the world. -Jake

The next day, you dropped off a box of Jake’s stuff and left it with Sam. Inside you put the necklace he gave you for Christmas, the document of the star named after you, his clothes, and the single dead rose you kept from his prom flowers. Sam took it from you and gave you a weak smile. 

“You know,” he began, “he really did love you. He still does. He just, he just doesn’t know how to deal with all this. I know you didn’t mean to hurt him. And he didn’t mean to hurt you. Maybe he’ll come around, ya know? Maybe he just needs some time?”

You nodded and gave Sam a hug. It was the first and only time you ever hugged Sam. He was small, and cute, and yes he was annoying. But, you grew to absolutely adore him. 

“I’m gonna miss you, Sammy,” you whispered.

He rubbed your back as he hugged you, “I’m gonna miss you too. I hope I get to see you again, one day.”

You smiled, nodded, and pulled away from him, giving him a kiss on the cheek. 

“My first kiss!” he gasped, lightly holding his cheek over where you kissed him. 

You laughed and said your final goodbye to him. You looked back at the house one last time to see Sam in the doorway, holding the box and waving at you.

Graduation day came and you watched Jake and Josh walk across the stage, one after the other. You saw Jake smile for the first time in what looked like a long time. He seemed genuinely happy. Seeing him smile like that made your heart break. That was the same smile he used to give you. Now all you could do was watch him from afar.

As he walked off stage with his diploma in hand, he looked over at you. He always knew when you were looking at him. Your eyes caught his for a moment and he gave you a small smile. You smiled softly back at him and looked away, heartbroken. That was the last time you ever saw Jake Kiszka. 

After graduation, you went home and looked into the program, curious to see what Jake eventually came up with for his plans. Tears came flooding back as you read…

“Joshua M. Kiszka: Michigan State University- Film Studies”

Jake’s name was supposed to be above Josh’s, but it was skipped in the program. Jake never submitted anything. A tear fell from your eyes and hit the second K in Kiszka, splattering the ink on the paper. You put the program in the box of your stuff from Jake and shoved it under your bed, where it would stay, untouched, for years. 

That summer, you kept in touch with Josh a bit. He would often ask you how you were doing, if you needed anything, and if you wanted to hang out. Even though you wanted to, you never went to see him because you knew it would hurt too much. 

He mentioned Jake was doing better and putting his pain into music as a distraction. It may not have been the best coping method, but it helped. Music was always Jake’s escape and it was the only thing he had at the time.

Your contact with Josh faded as the summer went on and as the band took off. A management company was looking to work with them, which led to record deal offers and album writing. They started playing shows all around Michigan and in the upper Midwest. 

Josh ended up not going to Michigan State as previously planned. He was going to put his dream of film making on hold to help Jake achieve his dream. 

While Jake went after his dream, you did too. You started college in New York and buried the pain of Jake as you got busier with school, internships, jobs, and life in the city. 

But through the years, you still felt him. Every time it snowed, you pictured him on top of you in the snow, wearing that beanie he loved. Every time the wind blew through your hair, your mind took you back to being on the highway with him with the windows down. The smell of pine trees made you think of his house on Christmas. Every time you ate a chocolate chip cookie, you remembered the taste of them on his lips. 

You went back to Frankenmuth on breaks and for holidays but every time you did, Jake was gone. Any time you drove past the Kiszka’s house, all the lights were out and mail was piled up by the door, indicating that they haven’t been home for a while. Every now and again, people around town mentioned they were doing well. You never looked into it though. You knew it would hurt too much. 

One day, you saw an advertisement that Greta Van Fleet would be the musical guest on SNL. A little voice in the back of your head told you to look them up and see what they were doing. SNL was huge and it was almost unfathomable that they actually made it. You knew they were doing well but you didn’t know they were doing that well. 

You listened to that little voice and searched. You felt instant regret but you couldn’t stop yourself. As you looked at pictures of them, there was no holding back your tears.

Danny and Sam got tall and grew their hair out. Sam’s braces were gone and his sweet, baby face chiseled out, with little specks of facial hair poking out of his chin. He definitely grew into his nose, too. 

Josh’s hair got curlier, and his clothes got even crazier, in the best way. It was so Josh and you loved it. He still had those wild eyes that were full of ideas and his warm smile that lit up rooms. 

You breathed heavily and your heart sank when you looked at Jake’s photo. His hair was long, past his shoulders, like he always wanted. It had a bit of a wave to it and it didn’t cover his forehead anymore. His clothes were cooler. He traded his sneakers and t-shirts for boots and shirts unbuttoned to his stomach. His body was more filled out. His muscles were more defined. You were looking at pictures of a grown man. He looked good. 

Out of curiosity, you watched a video of them. Jake’s voice was deeper. He still had that adorable smile and those deep eyes that sparked. You cried harder as the video played on. They were in a record store, talking about their favorites. Sam of course, was looking for something wacky and Josh was all over the film soundtracks. Your heart stopped when you saw Jake’s choice. The Stephen Stills album. He said he wanted it because of a certain song. Love the One You’re With. 

You closed your eyes and images of him flashed through your mind. You saw him in the kitchen of the cabin on his birthday; spinning around on his feet and singing the song out to you. You felt his hands around your waist and his lips on your cheek. He was so happy that day. That was the day he said you were his forever. 

You couldn’t take it anymore. You turned the video off and cried just as much as you did the night you had that argument with him, almost five years ago. 

For years, you had pushed the memories of him away. They were too painful to even think about. But now, they came flooding back with full force- knocking the wind out of your lungs and stabbing at your heart. 

Did he ever think of you the way you thought of him? He was your everything once, and you were his. Now he was nothing but a memory to you and you couldn’t help but wonder if you were nothing to him too. 

Jake was out there living his dream. Performing for huge crowds, traveling all over, and playing the music he loved. This was what he always wanted and now he was actually doing it. You were proud of him but your heart had a hole where he used to be. He was out there, exploring the world, without you. 

November 2019:

It was the day before Thanksgiving and your graduating class decided to do an unofficial 5 year reunion at a local bar since everyone would be home for the holiday anyway. You flew in from New York that morning and decided to go to the event. You hadn’t seen your highschool friends in a few months and you were excited to see what they were up to. 

You only had one thing that made you nervous about the event but your friends told you that you had nothing to worry about in regard to seeing Jake. The band was on tour in Europe at the moment so there was no way he could be there. 

Catching up with your friends was much needed. It was nice to get a break from work and the city and be back in your little hometown. 

You were at the bar, about to order a drink when you heard everyone inside get louder. You looked toward the sound of the voices and saw two figures. 

Brown curly hair, a striped jacket, tan pants, and little white sneakers.

Long dark hair, skinny jeans, boots, and a half buttoned black shirt. 

Your stomach dropped and your heart raced at the sight of both of them. It was like the world stopped moving. You were paralyzed. The bar was filled with people, but you only saw them. 

Your eyes instantly went to Jake. Him and Josh were talking to a bunch of people. Everyone wanted to hear their stories of fame and success. 

Jake’s eyes were gleaming. His smile was big and shone bright like it always did. 

Just as you were about to look away, he caught you. After all, he always knew when you were looking at him.

Your eyes met and everything around you suddenly stopped. His face dropped at the sight of you. He looked like he just saw a ghost. 

You looked away from him, shook your head, and walked out of sight, out the back door of the bar and onto the empty patio area. 

You stood outside, looking at the sky and breathing slowly to calm yourself. You heard the back door open and you closed your eyes. 

“I knew you’d be out here,” you heard a deep, raspy voice say softly. 

You turned around to see Jake standing there with his hands in his front pockets, looking up at the sky.

You turned your back to him and he walked up and stood next to you. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. 

“Care if I smoke right now?” he asked.

You shook your head, “No, you can.”

You two stood in silence for a while as the smell of cigarette smoke filled the air. 

“You did it. You became a rockstar,” you finally said, breaking the silence.

“Yeah well, someone once told me I was talented,” he looked over at you, smiling slightly.

You smiled at him and then looked back up to the sky.

“So, you’re seeing the world. What’s it like?” you asked.

He let a small laugh out of his nose and breathed deeply, “Incredible,” he whispered.

You looked at him with a funny feeling inside. You were happy that he was out there living his dream. But sad because he had a whole new life now, a life that didn’t include you.

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, faintly smelling the scent of his cologne. It was the same one you used to smell on his sheets in the morning, and smell on his neck when you kissed him. 

“You know,” he began, throwing the remaining bits of his cigarette on the ground, “You’re with me everywhere I go.”

“What do you mean?”

“No matter where I am in the world or what’s going on in life- every time I look up at the sky at night, I think of you.”

He pointed to a spot in the sky. 

“There you are. Right above the four little ones in a row,” he said, “It’s almost like, it’s me, Josh, Sam, and Danny. And then you.”

You looked up and your vision got blurry as tears filled your eyes.

You turned to him and grabbed his hands. They were bigger and rougher than they’d been years ago.

“I’m really proud of you, you know that?” you asked.

He nodded, giving you a closed mouth smile.

You sat out there with Jake for hours. You told him all about college, work, and your life in New York. He told you all about his career, his travels, and what his brothers were up to. He told you about SNL, and that he thought of you the whole time he was in the city, hoping that maybe, just maybe you were watching. You told him you didn’t watch and you saw a small wave of sadness wash over him. 

It was quiet for a moment until you spoke again.

“I never forgot you, y’know?” 

“What do you mean?”

“That night. You said that I’d forget you,” you looked at him and then back to the ground, “I never did.”

He sighed and looked to the ground too. You could tell he was thinking hard. He was replaying that night in his head, just like you were. 

“Do you ever regret it?” you finally asked.

He nodded and sighed, “Everyday for years I wondered what things would be like if I didn’t let you walk out of my room that night. If I went after you. Or if I would have tried. But we’ll never know, will we?”

You shook your head and shrugged your shoulders, knowing there was no hope of it now.

He asked you if you were seeing anyone and you told him about some dates you’d gone on, none of them really working out. He told you he had a girlfriend, Jita. He showed you pictures, she was beautiful. He said he told her all about you.

“I’m really glad I got to see you tonight,” you said.

“Yeah me too,” he replied.

“If you’re ever in New York, let me know,” you said.

He nodded and looked down. He put his hand behind his neck and bit his lip. There it was, that nervous little movement he always did. Even though he was a rockstar now, he was still a little kid from Frankenmuth, Michigan deep down.

“Can I hug you?” he asked quietly.

“I’d like that,” you replied.

He pulled you close to him and held you tight, with one arm around your back and the other on your head. His body was warm, and bigger than the last time he held you. You rested your head on his shoulder like you used to. His hair tickled your cheeks again and the familiar smell of him filled your lungs. You closed your eyes and took the moment in. 

Even after all those years, in his arms, you felt safe, you felt at home, and most of all, you felt loved.

He pulled away and gave you a kiss on the cheek. He started to walk back inside and turned back around to you. 

“You coming back in?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” you answered. 

You took one last look at the star in the sky. The little one right above the string of four. Tonight, it was right next to the moon. You let out a breath and smiled. You were with him everywhere he went. No matter where he was, or where you were- you were both with each other. Forever.

You turned to walk with him and he opened the door for you, letting you go before him.

“So what’s this about you being Sam’s first kiss?” he laughed as the two of you walked back inside. 

Epilogue: 

Josh sat in the conference room of the Greta Van Fleet management offices, typing on his computer when Jake walked in. 

“Hey, we’re gonna leave in a second? You ready?” he asked, leaning on the doorframe.

“Yeah,” Josh replied, “I’m just finishing up some stuff.” 

“Another screenplay?” Jake teased as he walked towards the table Josh was sitting at.

“Yeah, it’s not really my usual style but the idea just kind of came to me and I’m in the process of selling it to a production company.”

“Oh shit, what’s it about?” Jake asked.

“It’s kind of a coming of age sort of thing. It’s the story about a first love that falls apart, from the female character’s point of view. With brief insights of the male’s perspective.”

“Sounds cheesy,” Jake joked as he looked over Josh’s shoulder and tried to take a peek.  

Josh looked up at him to see Jake’s eyes glancing at the screen. He closed the computer quickly.

“I saw my name,” Jake said bluntly.

“No you didn’t!” Josh replied in a high pitched voice, laughing him off.

Jake paused for a second, looking down, and thinking hard. Then it hit him. He knew exactly the story Josh was writing. He squinted his eyes and looked at Josh. 

“Josh. I saw my name. I swear to God if you’re writing about what I think you’re writing about I will kill you.”

“I’m not!” Josh answered in defense, laughing nervously.

“Hm,” Jake breathed, still suspicious. He turned to leave the room, giving Josh a warning look.

When Jake closed the door behind him, Josh opened the computer back up and changed the name to Jack.

The End

October 2013:

It was the day after the kiss. You found yourself thinking about Jake throughout the day. He had always been a background character in your life. Barely a character at all to be honest. You never thought twice about him. But ever since that kiss, he was all you thought about. 

You saw your phone screen light up from across the room and your stomach did cartwheels when you read what was on the screen.

INSTAGRAM: @jake_kiszka has requested to follow you. 

You guessed it was safe to say he was thinking about you too. 

November 2013, Thanksgiving Break:

It was Saturday night and you and Jake planned to have a movie night in the Kiszka’s basement since the twins had the house to themselves for the next few hours. You changed in the bathroom and walked into Jake’s room to help him get the pillows and blankets from his bed and bring them downstairs. He was holding a pillow in his arm when you walked in wearing a tank top and pajama shorts. He was in a T-shirt and plaid pajama pants. You knelt down to put your old clothes in your backpack when Jake spoke. 

“Woah, Baby, you look hot,” he said as he looked you up and down.

You turned your head back around and stood up. Did he just say what you think you heard him say?

“What did you say?” you asked as you walked over to his bed.

Jake’s face dropped and a shade of pink appeared on his cheeks. “Uh, I said you look hot,” he answered. He had a little hint of panic on his face and his eyes widened a bit. 

“No,” you said, stretching out the word and grabbing a second pillow which rested on the foot of his bed. “What’d you call me?”

Jake paused. He looked down at the floor and grabbed the back of his neck with his available hand. He rubbed his neck and bit his lip.

“Nothing,” he replied shyly, looking up at you through the gaps in his hair.

You walked over to him and hit him gently with the pillow you were holding. “It didn’t sound like nothing,” you said sweetly.

He hit you softly with the pillow he was holding. “Well it was nothing.”

“Say it, Jake,” you teased. You hit him harder this time.

“No.” he smiled back at you and gave you an equal hit with his pillow. 

You raised the pillow at him, threatening to hit him with it again and he giggled, winding up his body with his pillow in hand.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” he warned playfully as he swung the pillow around your back and hit you on the butt with it. The force of his hit pushed your body closer to his and he pulled you in. 

He threw his pillow onto his bed and pulled you in by the waist, giving you little, light kisses on your lips. 

“Stop. Trying. To. Distract. Me.” you said in between kisses. You broke away from him and gave him a warning look.

“I’m not trying to do anything,” he whispered slyly, with a mischievous smile on his face. His smile faded a bit as he stared deep into your eyes for a moment. Holding his gaze longer than usual as his eyes seemed to get lost in yours.

While he was distracted, you quickly raised the pillow and connected it to his chest. The force caused him to stumble backwards and the backs of his knees hit the edge of his bed. He fell backwards onto it laughing. 

You jumped on top of him with each leg on either side of his torso and sat on his stomach. Your knees sank into his mattress and you threw the pillow out of the way. You grabbed his face with one hand and squeezed his cheeks together, causing his lips to part. With your other hand, you grabbed his wrists and pinned them on his chest. His whole body shook underneath you as he laughed. 

“Say it,” you sang out.

“If I say it will you let go of my face?” he giggled with his cheeks still smooshed together. His eyes squinted from smiling.

You let go of his cheeks and leaned down to kiss him, with your hands still holding his wrists. You released them and combed your hands through the hair covering his forehead. He brought his hands to your hips and rubbed his thumbs against the skin just above the waistband of your shorts. 

He looked into your eyes deeply. He had the calmest, softest eyes and the tiniest smile appeared on his face as he spoke. 

“Baby,” he whispered. 

Your tongue traced your lips and you looked down at him, smiling.

“Mmm, Baby,” you repeated.

His smile widened. You could tell he liked hearing your voice speak the word out to him. 

“Is that… okay?” he asked hesitantly.

“Yeah,” you nodded, “I like it.” 

One of his hands moved to the back of your neck and he pulled you in to kiss him. This kiss felt different. There was something special about it. You had just reached a milestone in your relationship together, one that would stick with the two of you forever.

You broke away from Jake and crawled off of him. He sat up and you pulled him off the bed by his arm, leading him out of the room.

The two of you went out to the kitchen to make popcorn. As you were waiting for it to pop, you saw Josh in the living room watching his own movie. 

“Baby can you get that big bowl from the top cabinet?” Jake asked.

Josh’s head spun around quicker than anything you’ve ever seen before. 

December 2013:

It was the middle of winter break. You weren’t allowed to go to Jake’s house after the Christmas incident. You hadn’t seen him in a few days but you talked through text every day. He said he would call you at night once he got home from his grandparents house. You laid in bed, waiting for his call. At around 9 pm, his name lit up on your phone screen and you picked it up instantly. 

You and Jake talked for a few hours but it felt like just a few minutes. You told each other what you did during the day and shared random stories from your lives. He told you he had a talk with Sam about girls and made you swear you would never let Sam know that you knew about it. You heard his voice get quieter as your conversation went on. You figured Josh and Sam had gone to bed.

“Tired?” you asked. 

It was getting late and you could hear it in Jake’s voice that he was about to fall asleep. 

“Mhmm,” he hummed, “But I missed your voice.”

“What else?” you asked, almost in a whisper.

You heard him shuffle around a bit and he began.

“I miss holding you. I miss playing with your hair. I miss your lips. I miss kissing you. I miss you kissing me. I miss how you smell,” he laughed a little, “I haven’t washed my sheets since you were here. I can smell you on them.”

You let out a small laugh.

“Mmm, that. I miss your laugh.” 

You could tell from his voice that he was smiling. You wished you could see him right now. You pictured his eyes squinting as his cheeks pushed up around them. Jake had the brightest and cutest smile you’d ever seen.

You sighed, “Okay my turn. I miss your smile. The way your face lights up when you’re happy. I miss holding your hands. I miss when you rub my back when I lay on you. I miss when you kiss my neck and your hair tickles me. I miss...”

You heard him breathing slowly and deeply on the other end of the phone.

“Jake?” you asked. 

“Hmm?” he replied slowly.

“Are you listening?”

“Mmm,” he replied. 

He sucked in a breath through his mouth that sounded like the little snores he does when he starts to fall asleep. You giggled quietly to yourself and listened for a few more minutes. The only thing coming from the other end of the phone was Jake’s breathing. 

You closed your eyes and imagined him next to you. You could practically feel his warm body holding you and making you feel safe and secure. His hands rubbing your back and tracing patterns on your skin. His legs finding their way on top of yours and the hairs on them tickling yours. His breathing and snoring noises being a lullaby to you and putting you to sleep.

You missed him more than you could even express to him. He felt like the safest place on earth. You were counting down the days until you would be in that place again. 

After some time of listening to him on the other end, you started to feel tired yourself.

“Night, Baby,” you whispered. You blew a small kiss to your phone, hung up, and went to sleep.

The next morning, you woke up to a text from Jake that read,

9:32 AM: You were in my dream last night, I’ll call you later and tell you about it. I won’t fall asleep this time I promise.

January 2014:

You and Jake walked into the laundry room soaking wet and cold from the snow. You took your coats off and threw them on top of the dryer. You pulled Jake’s hat off his head and he shook out his hair, giggling. Jake left for a second and came back with changes of his clothes for both of you. 

“You wanna change in here? I can leave if you want me to,” he said as he handed you the clothes. 

“Stay,” you whispered as you took the clothes from his hands and put them on top of the washing machine. You walked closer to him and wrapped your hands around his back. He put his hands on your waist. A smile crept onto his face and he leaned in to kiss you softly. 

“You wanna take this off?” he asked quietly, tugging at the bottom of your shirt. You nodded and raised your arms. Jake lifted the shirt up off you and over your head. He took his shirt off and threw them both on the pile on the dryer. 

He lowered his head and planted gentle kisses to your collarbone.

“I love you,” he said softly between kisses. 

His cold hands rested on the small of your back. The feeling of his cold hands mixed with the feeling of his cold lips on your bones gave you goosebumps all over. 

You giggled and held onto his head as his mouth worked on you. He pulled his lips from you and lifted his head to look at you. 

“Turn around,” he whispered. 

You turned around and moved your hair to the front of your shoulder. He rested his chin on your shoulder as his hands played with your bra strap. He snaked his fingers underneath and ran them back and forth under the fabric. He stopped moving his hand when he got to the clasp. 

“Can I?” his raspy voice spoke softly. 

You turned your head to look at him. Your eyes connected and you nodded slowly, “Yeah,” you whispered. 

He undid the clasp and pushed the straps off your shoulders. His rough fingertips slid gently down your arms. He rubbed the skin on your shoulders where the straps had once been. 

“I love you,” he said again, kissing your shoulder. 

You pulled your bra the rest of the way off and tossed it into the pile. You turned back around to face him and crossed your arms over your chest and rested your hands on your shoulders. You bit your lip and smiled at him. 

Jake undid his jeans, kicked them off his ankles, picked them up, and put them on the pile. The only thing left on him was his boxers. 

He knelt down in front of you and his eyes never left yours as he lowered himself to the floor. He put his hands on the button of your pants and you nodded at him. He undid the button and zipper and dug his fingers into the belt loops of your jeans to work them down. You held his shoulders as he pulled them off and you stepped out of them. The wetness from the snow caused them to stick to your legs a little. Jake grabbed the backs of your legs and ran his hands up and down them. He planted more kisses to each of your thighs with an “I love you,” before each one. 

As he played with the waistband of your underwear you sucked in a breath. You felt his hands shaking and his breathing becoming uneven. You could practically hear your own heart beating out of your chest.

You and Jake had done things like this before. You had taken each other’s clothes off before. He had seen you like this before. You had seen him like this before. But this time it was different. This wasn’t teenage eagerness driven by hormones. It wasn’t rushed and needy. This was slow and intimate. This was out of love. 

He looked back up at you, his eyes silently asked for permission. You put your hands over his and guided him as he put his thumbs through the waistband and pulled them down off you. You stepped out of them and he gathered them from the floor and threw them onto the pile of clothes. You placed your hands on the sides of his head as he kissed your hip bones softly.

“I love you,” he whispered again before and after each kiss. His hot breath on you sent shivers up and down your body. 

He started working his way back up leaving wet kisses all over your stomach, your chest, and your neck, and back to your lips. He pulled down his boxers and stepped out of them as he rose to his feet. His face was an inch away from yours when he breathed you in and connected his lips to yours. His tongue teased your bottom lip and slid against yours. After a minute or so, you pulled away from him and both of you started laughing, realizing you were standing in the middle of his laundry room, cold and naked. 

He reached for the dry clothes and you both put them on yourselves. When you were both fully clothed, he pulled you in close to hug you. You rested your chin on his shoulder and breathed in his scent. 

“I love every part of you,” he said just above a whisper. 

He turned his head and kissed your cheek hard. You leaned back, grabbed his hands, and pulled them in front of him. His eyes were calm and soft. He looked completely at peace. 

“You love me back, right?” he asked as a small smile formed on his lips.

“Forever,” you whispered. 

Jake smiled and kissed your forehead. He broke away from you and picked up the pile of clothes and tossed them into the dryer. Jake pressed the ON button before leaving the small room.

The Next Morning

It was pitch black in the basement when you felt Jake move next to you. Both of you were half asleep when Jake spoke.

“Mmm,” he groaned, “I have to go back upstairs,” he said as he adjusted his position.

“Stay five more minutes,” you whispered as you rubbed your hand under his shirt and up to his chest.

“I will. What time is it?” he asked in a tired voice. 

You reached over him and picked up his phone that was lying next to him. It had to be close to midnight. The two of you fell asleep pretty early. The bright light of the screen made you squint your eyes but they grew wide when you read 8:34 AM.

“8:34?” you said, confused.

“What?” Jake asked in a groggy voice, making sure he heard you correctly. 

You held the phone up to him so he could see for himself. He sat up and rubbed his eyes as he looked around, trying to see in the darkness of the basement. The only light came from the staircase leading up to the kitchen. Jake leaned over to peer up the stairs.

“Shh, the doors still open,” he whispered.

“Can you go up and sneak into your bed? Pretend you were there all night? You think your parents will know?”

“I can’t,” he shook his head and sighed, “They’re awake. I can smell coffee.” 

Jake bit the inside of his cheek and looked down at you. He was trying to think of a plan. But he was also hoping you’d have one.

“Okay, if I can be quiet enough, it’s worth a shot, right? If anything, I’ll just say I came to see if you were awake, right?”

You gave him a worried look and shrugged your shoulders.

Jake pulled the blanket off him and scooted off the mattress. You sat up on your elbow and watched him nervously. He started walking slowly towards the stairs, trying to avoid his feet making any noise on the floor.

He didn’t even make it to the first step when you heard “I’m not stupid, Jacob,” coming from Kelly on the main floor.

Jake looked at you in defeat and mouthed the word “Fuck.”

“Just be ready to get out there and shovel by 9!”

“Hahaha! Busted!” you heard Sam laugh from upstairs.

Jake rolled his eyes and walked back over to you. He crawled back under the covers and laid himself on top of you, nuzzling his face into the crook of your neck and wrapping his arms around you. One of your hands held the back of his head and the other rubbed between his shoulder blades. He draped his leg over yours and the heat of his body on top of you warmed you up instantly. 

“So, five more minutes, right?” he asked as you felt him smile into you and you heard the basement door close shut from the top of the steps. 

February 2014:

You and Jake were on the couch in his garage. He had a space heater running close by and the garage door was locked. You had a lot of time to kill before the guys showed up for band practice. Sam and Danny were still at school and Josh had rehearsals for the school musical. And with you and Jake, what was the best way to kill time? Make out. 

Things heated up quicker than usual but things were still comfortable until you found yourselves one step away from going all the way. 

Both of your clothes were on the floor and Jake was on top of you with his lips planting wet, open mouthed kisses to your neck when it hit you.

“Jake, stop,” you said suddenly, causing him to pull his mouth off you and move his eyes to meet yours. 

He saw the worried look in your eyes instantly. 

“You okay?” he asked as he lifted himself off of you. 

You shook your head and he sat back on the opposite side of the couch. 

Tears started forming in your eyes as you sat up. “I don’t want to do this. I’m not ready.” 

Jake reached down to the floor and grabbed your clothes and held them out to you. You took them and put them on as he gathered the rest of the clothes off the floor and got himself dressed. 

When you looked him in the eyes you couldn’t hold back your tears anymore.

“Hey,” he said softly, “Shh, come here.”

He opened his arms up to you and you rested your head on his chest as he held you in a tight hug. He rested his chin on your head and rubbed his hands up and down your back softly, trying to calm you. He had a tight hold on you and he rocked you back and forth slowly.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered softly into his chest as your tears fell onto his shirt, leaving dark spots on the faded red fabric. 

He broke away from you and you sat up but you kept your head looking down. He held onto your face with both hands and lifted your head up, looking deep into your eyes. His eyebrow furrowed slightly and you could tell he was concentrating on reading your emotions.

“You don’t have to be sorry. It’s a big deal, I get it,” he said quietly, using his thumb to wipe the tears off your cheeks. 

You grabbed his hands and lowered them to your lap. You looked down and played with his fingers as you spoke.

“But I know you want to do it. Let’s just end it now and you can go do it with anyone you want,” you said. 

You stopped playing with his fingers after you said it. You were waiting for him to pull his hands away from you and break up with you then and there. 

But he didn’t. He put his hands on top of yours and held them still.

You looked up at him and your eyes met his. They were filled with sadness and confusion. 

“Okay, yeah I want to do it. But I want to do it with you. When you want to. When you’re ready.” 

You looked back down in defeat and embarrassment. 

Jake let go of your hands and sat back on the couch, facing straight ahead. He turned his head to look at you. He rested his hand on your knee and rubbed it back and forth. 

“Can I ask you something? And you don’t have to answer,” he began.

You looked at him and nodded slightly, silently giving him permission to ask what was on his mind.

“Why don’t you want to?”

You sighed and closed your eyes for a second. He deserved to know. He was too good to you about everything related to this topic. He always asked for permission before he tried anything or before he touched you. He always stopped when you asked him to. And he never pushed you to do anything. He deserved an explanation. 

“I’m just… scared I guess. Scared it’s gonna hurt. Scared I won’t be good at it. And, and scared you’re not gonna love me after.” 

Jake’s shoulders dropped and he shook his head slowly like he couldn’t believe what you just said. He turned to face you, grabbed your hands, and placed them in his lap. 

“Look, I can’t make any promises about the first one. And who knows about the second one. But I can promise you that I will never stop loving you. No matter what.”

He looked right into your eyes the whole time he spoke. He was serious. The most serious you’ve ever seen him. You knew he meant what he said. And he did. He never stopped loving you. 

Jake got up from the couch, sat with his legs criss crossed on the floor, and pulled his acoustic guitar onto his lap. He flashed that sweet smile at you from across the room.

“Now get over here. I have more I want to teach you.”

March 2014:

It was the first weekend of the month and the only weekend where Jake wasn’t playing a show. It was also the first weekend your parents actually allowed you to stay at the Kiszka’s house overnight, instead of it being an accident. 

Karen and Kelly went to a wedding out of state so it was just the four Kiszka siblings and you. No basement this time. Jake’s parents figured keeping the two of you apart didn’t work in the past so they might as well let you both sleep in Jake’s bed. As for your parents, what they didn’t know wouldn’t kill them. Regardless, it was certain nothing would happen with Josh and Sam in the room.

You laid on the couch in the living room, cuddled into Jake when the ending credits of the movie the five of you just finished started rolling. It was almost midnight and the majority of you were ready for bed. 

Josh sighed and got up off the floor, “You guys wanna have some fun?” he asked, looking around at everyone.

“What kind of fun?” Jake asked in a cautious voice as he adjusted his position on the couch. Josh’s idea of “fun” sometimes went to the extreme.

An evil smile crept on Josh’s face as he started to walk out of the living room, “Follow me.”

Josh led the four of you into the boys’ room and instructed you to sit in a circle on the floor. 

You and Jake leaned against his bed and Josh leaned against his. Sam and Ronnie sat on either side to complete the circle. Jake put his hand on your knee and you rested your hand on top of his, rubbing his hand with your thumb. You were all a little apprehensive as to what Josh had in mind- you never knew what to expect with him. 

Josh dove under his bed and reached around a little, finally pulling out a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka from a brown paper bag. 

Jake made a point that you all couldn’t just sit there and just drink it- there had to be something else to it. He and Josh got the idea of Never Have I Ever. You explained the basics of the game to Sam and Ronnie. The rules were simple. If you did it, you drank. 

Josh placed the bottle in the middle of the circle and rubbed his hands together as he began.

“Never have I ever crashed Mom’s car,” he said giggling. 

“No way! That’s not fair! You can’t single people out like that!” Jake protested, sitting up a bit and extending his arm out, pointing at Josh.  

Josh handed him the bottle, “You did it. You drink.”

Jake rolled his eyes and reached for the bottle, twisted the cap off, and put the bottle to his lips. His head flew back as he took a swig.

He pulled his mouth off the bottle and winced as he swallowed. “That shits terrible,” he laughed, placing the bottle down on the floor, in the middle of the circle. 

The game continued as each of you took turns. Josh got the biggest kick out of “Never have I ever used a hair straightener” and he sat there with the biggest smile on his face as the rest of you passed the bottle around and took your shots; that one in particular making Sam gag a little as he swallowed. 

The five of you started to feel the effects of the liquor soon after, causing the questions to get more secretive and dirtier, and causing you all to get more giggly than ever. The four of them started targeting each other and making scenarios specific in order to get the other people to drink. Jake took shots for you when you didn’t want to or felt like you couldn’t, causing him to get a little tipsier than you.

The alcohol also caused Jake to get more cuddly and touchy. He started running his hands up and down your thigh and snaking his hands under your shirt; pulling you in close to him and rubbing his thumbs lightly on the skin of your stomach. He was just subtle enough to not catch his siblings’ attention, even though you swear you saw Josh’s eyes wandering. 

It was Jake’s turn and he looked at Josh and smirked before continuing. Josh returned the same face to him. They knew what the other one was thinking, without saying anything.

“Never have I ever… gotten a boner watching Camp Rock,” Jake said, smiling smugly across the circle at Sam.

The four of you held in your laughs as you watched Sam’s face drop and turn bright red.

“What the fuck, Jake?” Sam shouted in defense.

“Care to explain, Samuel?” Ronnie giggled.

“Okay first of all, it was Camp Rock 2!” Sam protested, “And second of all- that’s not fai-“

Jake interrupted him, “It is fair! You just thought we didn’t know. We knew. Now, come on, take the shot!”

Sam rolled his eyes and brought the bottle to his mouth. Before he connected his lips, he stopped and smiled, “What if we make this more interesting?”

He placed the bottle back on the floor in front of him and pointed at it. 

“I bet you I can chug a large portion of what’s left of this shit. If I do it, you each owe me $5.” 

The four of you looked at Sam, confused and shocked at the same time. He seemed to be on the verge of death every time he had to drink tonight. There’s no way in hell he could pull off chugging straight from the bottle. 

“You can’t,” Josh laughed.

“Yeah, there’s no fucking way!” Ronnie added.

Jake got up and grabbed the garbage can by the door and placed it next to Sam, just in case. The four of you sat as Sam’s audience, waiting for him to begin. 

“Are you gonna do it or what?” Jake asked.

“Let me see the money first,” Sam stated. 

Jake and Josh both crawled up to their beds and pulled out money from boxes on their shelves. Josh put $5 in front of Sam and Jake put $10 to cover both of you. Ronnie went to her room and came back with 5 singles. All of it was placed nearly in front of Sam and he smiled at it.

He picked up the bottle and raised it in the air, “To Camp Rock 2 and the start of my manhood,” he declared.

Sam brought the bottle to his lips, tilted his head back, closed his eyes, and chugged.

The four of you sat there, in complete shock as Sam continued gulping down the contents of the bottle.

After some time, he popped it off his mouth, and winced as the last gulp traveled down his throat. Sam shook his head and opened his eyes to look at you all with a huge smile on his face.

The room erupted in chaos. Josh jumped on Sam and shook him around. Jake stood up and began screaming and cheering for him. You and Ronnie both fell back on your backs, laughing uncontrollably and holding onto each other for support as the room spun around you. 

The five of you got even drunker as the game continued on. You all made an unspoken promise to go easy on Sam, who was definitely feeling the effects of his little stunt. 

You learned a lot about the Kiszka siblings that night.

Sam sucked his thumb until he was ten.

Jake and Josh broke their mom’s favorite glass vase and hid it ever since.

Ronnie and Josh both had their first kisses when they were fifteen.

Jake was fourteen. Sam hadn’t kissed anyone yet. 

Sam cheated on math tests.

Jake and Josh accidently told Sam that Santa wasn’t real when he was nine and Sam cried.

Jake ate ants on a dare when he was twelve. 

Josh “borrowed” from Jake’s money stash to buy weed.

Sam had a crush on his third grade teacher. 

Jake slept with his baby blanket until he was eight.

They all fed their childhood dog vegetables under the table at dinner.

With about one shot left in the bottle and Sam significantly drunker than the rest of you, the game came to a close. Jake held out the bottle to Josh and said, “Never have I ever had sex.” 

Josh took the bottle from his hands and finished it off. 

“Okay, I didn’t need to know that. I’m going to bed,” Ronnie said as she got up and stumbled out of the room. 

“You won’t remember tomorrow anyway, Ron,” Josh replied as he climbed into his bed.

Sam crawled over to his bed and started to climb onto it slowly. He stumbled up to it, missing steps and teetering over as he got on. Jake stood up and tucked Sam into bed. He placed the garbage can next to him and rubbed his head. 

“Sleep it off, Sammy,” he said before turning back to you. 

Jake walked back over to you and held his hand out to you. He pulled you to your feet and led you out of the room. The two of you giggled as you stumbled down the hallway and into the dimly lit kitchen.

Jake grabbed a bunch of water bottles out of the refrigerator and handed one to you. 

“Be right back,” he whispered. 

While Jake was giving water to his siblings, you chugged the bottle he gave you. After a minute. you heard footsteps behind you and before you knew it, Jake’s hands were under your shirt, hugging you from behind. 

“Mmm gimme a kish,” he mumbled into your ear. 

You turned your body around to face him. His hands rested on your butt and you pulled him in by the waistband of his pajama pants. You kissed him sloppily, tasting the vodka on his lips and tongue. 

You had never been this drunk before. In fact, you had never been drunk, period. But, even though you were drunk, with Jake, you felt safe and comfortable. Even though the alcohol caused your vision to go blurry and your words to slur a bit, you knew you were in good hands with him. He was just as drunk as you were anyway. But regardless, you knew he wouldn’t do anything or try anything that would make you uncomfortable. And if anything were to go wrong or get messy, he would be there for you.

When you closed your eyes, you felt the dizziness hit you. You pushed him back against the counter and leaned your body weight onto him to keep your balance.

His lips on yours felt different than they ever had. They were wet and warm; and his kisses had an undertone of lust.

Everything seemed to move in slow motion. You concentrated harder on kissing him. You tangled your hands through his hair and pulled at it as he deepened the kiss. 

Your hands traveled down to his pants and you teased the front of him with your fingertips. Jake hummed into the kisses and put his hand on top of yours, moving it to hit the spot he wanted. 

He broke away from your lips and tilted his head back. “Fuck,” he whispered, dragging out the word. His eyes rolled back and he brought his head back up. He blinked a few times and brought himself back to reality. He took a deep breath in and moved your hand off him. 

“We can’t do this right now, we’re fucked up,” he said slowly as his words slurred over each other ever so slightly. He moved your hand to rest on his chest.

“Mmm, you’re no fun,” you joked with your words also coming out a bit sloppily. You kissed him on the side of the mouth and he smiled a bit. 

With Jake still squeezed in between you and the counter, you reached behind him to grab a piece of cold, leftover pizza from the box sitting on the counter. He opened his mouth and you giggled as you held it out to him. He took a bite and chewed it with his mouth open, fully smiling at you as his jaw moved up and down. You alternated taking a bite of your own and letting him get a bite. You both giggled as you ate, trying not to wake up his siblings. And trying to be quiet, of course, only made you laugh harder. 

When you finished the pizza, Jake flicked the kitchen light off and you both went back into his bedroom. It was pitch black and the two of you laughed and shushed each other as you tried to find his bed in the darkness. 

When you found it, you hopped in and pulled him in. You both laughed as he fell on top of you. Jake dipped his head down to kiss you gently and settled next to you, pulling the covers up over your heads. 

He leaned over you and planted little kisses on your face and neck. You giggled as he continued and finally you broke away from him and kissed the tip of his nose. He returned a kiss to your forehead and lifted the blanket up off your heads. 

You felt yourself sober up as the cool breeze hit you and as you laid there with him for a bit. Your legs tangled together and he held you close to him as the two of you closed your eyes and gave each other little kisses now and then. 

You didn’t feel that dizzy feeling anymore, just a little lingering buzz.

The sounds of Josh lightly snoring began coming from the other side of the room and from farther away you heard hums and mumbles from Sam as he talked in his sleep.

“How do you sleep with them making all that noise?” you giggled. 

“Used to it I guess. Just like I’m used to you hitting me in your sleep,” Jake teased. 

“I do that?”

Jake laughed, “Yeah, but it’s fine. I don’t mind.”

“Good. You deserve it because you snore way louder than Josh,” you retorted back to him playfully as you gave him a peck on the lips, and rolled over. 

You pressed your back into his chest and grabbed his hand, pulling it on top of you. You felt your eyelids get heavy and the last thing you remember is Jake kissing the back of your head and saying “G’night, Baby.”

Thanks to the alcohol, you slept like a rock that night. The next morning, you woke up to the sounds of Sam groaning and gagging into the garbage can. 

You and Jake both sat up simultaneously when you realized what was happening, a slight headache hit you as you got up and opened your eyes fully to the bright morning light.

“Hey, you okay, Sammy?” Jake asked, climbing out of bed and going over to him.

“I should’ve asked for more money. $20 wasn’t worth it,” Sam groaned with his voice muffled by the garbage can surrounding his head.  

~~~~~

It was the Monday after Jake’s show you attended at the bar. Jake wasn't in school and didn't answer his phone all day. You saw Josh at lunch and asked him where Jake was. He told you Jake was sick and stayed home for the day.

After school, Josh took you to their house and brought you to the boys room to see Jake. When you walked in, you saw Jake in bed, fast asleep. 

The floor by his bed was littered with used tissues and empty water bottles. He had a box of cold medicine, a jar of vapor rub, and half empty box of tissues on the nightstand. A half dranken bottle of Gatorade was sitting in his bed next to him. 

“Let me know when you want me to take you back home,” Josh said, closing the door behind him as he left the room. 

Jake was cuddled up in blankets and you sat down on the edge of his bed. His cheeks were rosy, his mouth was open just a bit, and his lips were dry from breathing through his mouth. You wiped his hair out of his face and slowly he woke up.

He was confused at first, in a post nap haze, until he realized what was going on. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked in a tired voice. His voice was nasally and hoarse.

“I missed you today. Josh said you were sick. I wanted to make sure you were okay. What’s wrong?” you said as you stroked the hair on his head back.

He rubbed his face and sighed groggily. He involuntarily let out a small cough as he sighed.

“I’ve had a headache all day, my throat hurts when I swallow, I keep coughing, and I can’t breathe through my nose. My mom said it’s probably from being in the rain on Saturday,”

He was being a giant baby. Zero pain tolerance. But you had to admit- he looked absolutely adorable all cuddled up in bed.

“Poor baby,” you said, half serious, half joking.

He smiled a little as he realized how dramatic he was being. Not to mention you being there made him smile too. 

You leaned down to give his cheek a kiss and he pulled back a little. 

“Don’t. I don’t want to get you sick,” he said.

“Jake, my tongue was down your throat two days ago and I was in the rain with you. I’m pretty sure whatever you have, will be mine tomorrow,” you said, as you lifted up his covers and crawled into bed next to him. 

You held him from behind and gave his shoulders little kisses. Through his shirt you could smell vapor rub on his back and you could only imagine how annoyed he was at his mom for rubbing it on for him. 

“Just relax, Baby,” you whispered. 

After a few minutes of silence, Jake spoke quietly.

“You know what would probably make me feel better?” he mumbled with his face half smushed into his pillow.

“What?” you asked. 

“Can I touch your boobs?” 

You let out a laugh through your nose at his request.

“Fine,” you laughed.

Jake turned his body around in bed. This time, he held you from behind. His hand snuck up under your shirt and bra and rested on your chest, rubbing his thumb on your skin.

“Feel better?” you asked sarcastically.

“Mhmm,” he said into your neck, smiling, “They got bigger.”

You smiled, rolled your eyes, and placed your hand on top of his. 

Within minutes, Jake’s hand was still and he was fast asleep.

April 2014:

“You’re absolutely disgusting,” you laughed, crawling off him and extending your hand to lift him to his feet. 

Before fully leaving the wooded area, you stopped him. 

“What if,” you began, “I gave you an early birthday present?”

You ran your index finger down his chest over his hoodie. A small smile formed on his face and his tongue traced over his bottom lip as he looked at you. His eyes squinted and scanned your face, trying to decipher what you meant. He was trying to read your mind but he couldn’t. He had no idea what you were about to do or say. 

You walked him over to the rock and he pushed his back against it.  

“You said this is a spot for firsts right?” you asked as you placed soft kisses to his cheek and jawline. 

“Yeah…” he said hesitantly.

You continued kissing his jawline and lowered your lips down his neck. You broke away and gave him a soft kiss on his lips before kneeling down in front of him. You felt the coolness of the ground on your knees and leaves left over from autumn crunched underneath them. 

You looked up at him and bit your lip as you smiled. 

Jake’s mouth opened and he started breathing heavily when he realized what your intentions were. You reached for his belt buckle and started undoing it. 

His chest moved as he breathed in deep before he spoke. “Here? Now? Fuck, Baby.” 

The two of you had talked about this before. It was only a matter of time before it happened. Jake had always wanted it and left it up to you to make the move for it. And at that moment, it was the perfect time, and the perfect place. You were surrounded by the privacy of the overgrown woods and you were far enough away from his house that you couldn’t be heard. 

“Mhmm, first times, right?” you said as you undid the buttons of his pants and pulled them down.

He nodded quickly and swallowed hard. As he did, his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down. His whole body tensed up, he tilted his head back, and his hands tangled themselves in your hair as you got to work on him.

When you were done, Jake brought you to your feet, pulled up his pants, and fastened his belt. He wiped your face with his palm before kissing you softly. 

“I guess that beats first kiss, doesn’t it?” he said, smiling. He had little pink and red patches on his cheeks and neck that faded as he caught his breath. 

“It better!” you laughed. 

He let out a laugh from his nose and said, “Come on, we’ve been gone too long. My parents are going to get suspicious.”

Together you walked back to civilization, with him leading the way.

May 2014:

You crawled over him, got out of bed, and started walking out of the room. When you got to the door, you turned around and looked at him.

“You coming or what?” You giggled. 

Jake jumped out of bed to follow you to the bathroom. You’ve never seen him move faster.

Jake caught up to you in the doorway and hugged you from behind. His arms wrapped around your waist and snuck around your stomach, squeezing you against his body. You giggled as the two of you walked down the hallway and into the bathroom. 

You brushed your teeth and Jake left the bathroom with a toothbrush in his mouth. He returned with fresh towels in his hands and placed them on the counter.

Jake shut the door behind him and rinsed out his mouth before pulling you close to him again. He started sprinkling your face with little kisses playfully, smiling in between each one. 

He broke away from you with one last dramatic “Mwah,” to your cheek and leaned into the shower to turn the water on. 

The steam from the water began to fill up the bathroom, causing fog to appear on the mirrors and window.

“Can I take this off?” Jake asked, his hands sliding along the hem of the tshirt you were wearing.

You nodded and lifted your hands up over your head as he pulled the shirt off you. He tossed it over by the door and pulled you close to him. You wrapped your arms around this neck and he held both hands behind your back. His eyes traveled down from your eyes to your chest as he fought back a smile. 

“Jake?” you asked, almost in a whisper. 

“Yeah?” he asked, bringing his eyes back to meet yours. 

“You know I love it when you ask before you do stuff. But, you really don’t have to anymore.” 

He looked into your eyes and nodded slowly. You could see him trying to make sense of what you just said in his head. 

“Okay. But just promise you’ll tell me if-”

“I will.” you interrupted, already knowing what the second half of his sentence was. 

You closed the gap between the two of you and pulled him in for a kiss. You tasted the mint in his mouth as you slid your tongue across his bottom lip. As the two of you continued, you felt a little bit more of Jake against your thigh. 

You broke away from his lips, looked down at the obvious situation in his boxers, and giggled. 

“I’m sorry, I can’t help it,” he laughed as his cheeks turned a shade of pink. He was definitely a little embarrassed but the cute smile on his face still made you melt. 

“I could take care of it for you if you want?” you suggested, teasing your hand dangerously close to where he wanted you the most.

“Yes,” he breathed out, “Please.”

You backed him up against the door and his body hit it with a light thud. The steam from the shower fogged up the entire room and as you pulled away from Jake’s face, clouds of water vapor separated the two of you. 

You took care of Jake and when that was done, he led you to the shower and slid open the shower door for you.

“Ladies first,” he said as you stepped in. 

He followed behind and slid the glass door closed. You got under the hot running water and let it relax your muscles for a moment before the two of you switched places. He let the water fall on his head, getting it all wet. He shook it out like a dog and droplets flew everywhere. You giggled and flinched as the water got in your face. 

He extended his hand out to the shelf in the shower and grabbed a bottle of face wash. You cupped your hand for him and he put a few pumps in them. You rubbed your hands together until they were sudsy and reached out for his face. He closed his eyes and scrunched up his nose as your hands massaged the soap into his cheeks. You pushed his hair back off his forehead, and rubbed your hands over his entire face. His facial muscles relaxed as you continued. With his eyes still closed, you turned him around to rinse it off and then gave yourself a few more pumps to wash your own face with. 

He stepped behind you and squeezed some shampoo in his hands. You stepped under the stream of water.

“Tip your head back for me,” he said as he rubbed the shampoo in his hands together. 

You did as he said and let the water run over your face, washing the cleanser off as you felt Jake’s fingertips massage shampoo into your scalp. 

You hummed and he let out a satisfied chuckle. 

“Feels good?” he asked as his fingers moved in little circles and worked their way to the base of your head. 

“Mhmm,” you hummed in response as he put more pressure on your scalp. 

“Good,” he said softly. “Just close your eyes and relax, Baby.”

His fingers dug into your scalp, scratching and massaging it perfectly. It felt amazing.

After a bit of time, he grabbed your shoulders and turned you around so you were facing him. He lifted your chin to tilt your head back as the water rinsed the shampoo out of your hair. Jake ran his fingers through your hair to make sure it was all out and when it was, you opened your eyes to meet his for the first time. 

The two of you stood there for a moment just staring at each other in silence- the only sound was the running water coming from the shower head above. You silently admired each other. You admired how you both took care of each other in different intimate ways. You each knew how to make the other feel good. You didn’t know it then, but you were both teaching each other and learning how to love. 

He squeezed shampoo into his hands again and rubbed it through his hair quickly. You switched places with him so he could rinse it out. 

He tilted his head back and opened his mouth, letting it fill up with water. He looked at you with water filled cheeks and the tiniest smile on his closed lips. Without warning, he opened his lips slightly and released the water out to you like a fountain.

 The warm water from his mouth hit your chest and you laughed out the word “Ew!” 

You snuck behind him, faced the shower head, and filled your mouth with the hot water. You turned to him with your mouth full of water. He turned his face to the side and closed one eye, anticipating what was going to come next. 

“I deserve it, go ahead,” he laughed as you spit out a stream of water onto his cheek.

He laughed and rinsed it off. He moved in toward you and grabbed you behind the back. He gave you a gentle but wet kiss on the lips. 

You grabbed a bottle of conditioner from the shelf and held it out for him. He raised his eyebrows at you. 

“Seriously?” he asked.

“You like your hair long don’t you?” you questioned.

He laughed and replied with a cautious “Yeah,”

“Then turn around,” you commanded. 

He turned around and you squirted a little bit of conditioner into your hands and rubbed it into the ends of his hair. You grabbed his shoulders and turned him around and out of the stream of the running water as you combed conditioner through your own hair. 

“Leave it in for a little bit,” you instructed him and he nodded. 

He grabbed two bottles of body wash from the shelf and held them up for you. 

“I’m going to assume you’d rather use my sister’s,” he laughed, handing you a pink bottle while he kept a black one for himself.

He picked up one of the fresh washcloths from the edge of the shower and got it wet. He held it out and you squeezed the pink soap onto it. He rubbed the washcloth around in his hand until it had suds and he brought it to your neck. 

He rubbed your neck and shoulders with it and the smell of strawberries filled the shower. He ran the washcloth down your chest and to your stomach, rubbing in circles and massaging all the right parts. He moved the washcloth to your lower back and you turned around for him. He moved your hair to one side of your shoulder and swiped the washcloth over your back a few times. He moved you under the running water, allowing you to rinse the conditioner out of your hair and the soap off your body.

You reached down next to him to pick up the second washcloth and ran it under the water. He squeezed the black bottle and green gel came out onto the washcloth. You rubbed the washcloth around in your hand until it was nice and bubbly. You then rubbed his chest and neck with it. The drips of bubbles trailed down his stomach and over the bumps of his ab muscles. You used your free hand to rub along his stomach and you felt his muscles tighten with your touch. He turned around and you got his back and behind his ears. 

You pulled him under the stream of water and let the conditioner and body wash run off of him. You wrapped your hands around his stomach and pressed your chest to his back, taking in the manly scent of the body wash on him and hugging him from behind. Just letting the water run in between you as you breathed in his scent. 

The two of you swapped washcloths and got the other parts of your own bodies until you were both completely clean. 

You rinsed and rung out the washcloths and Jake reached behind you to turn off the water. He slid the shower door open and stepped out first. He grabbed a towel from the counter and held it open for you. You walked over to him and he wrapped you in the towel, rubbing up and down your arms to warm you up. He opened the second towel and wrapped it around his waist. 

You dried yourselves off and changed into your clothes in his room. You towel dried your hair and threw the towels into the hamper by the closet. 

“You hungry? I’ll make you chocolate chip pancakes,” he offered as he threw a shirt over his head of damp hair.

“Is this your way of thanking me for getting you off in the bathroom?” you teased. 

“It’s part of it. Just wait until after breakfast,” he smiled, wiggled his eyebrows at you, and gave you a quick kiss on the cheek as he walked out of the room and down the hallway towards the kitchen. 

~~~~~

School was out for a four day weekend. Jake had saved up just enough money to take you on a getaway of your own. It wasn’t far and it wasn’t fancy, but it was you and Jake.

He booked three days at the Bavarian Inn in the main part of town. 

The two of you spent every second of the stay together, uninterrupted.

It was something you both had always wanted. You had a king sized bed, privacy, and room service. For two eighteen year olds, that was all you needed.

The trip gave you opportunities to learn more about yourselves and each other.

You learned more about each others’ bodies and what each of you liked and didn’t like.

You learned that you hated when he left the cap off the toothpaste and when he peed with the bathroom door open.

He learned that he hated how your makeup and hair products took up half the bathroom counter and how you didn’t turn the bathroom fan on while you showered.

But you loved every second of it. You loved putting the toothpaste cap back on and closing the bathroom door while he stood there in front of the toilet, smiling at you like an idiot.

He loved pushing your makeup off to the side so he could sit on the counter of a steamy bathroom and talk to you while you blew dry your hair.

You both loved the quiet. The privacy. The ability to say and do whatever you wanted together. The bed. The space. The fact that there were no siblings, no parents, and no needing to go home in a few hours. 

It gave you a taste of adulthood. A taste both of you liked a lot.

You laid in bed on the last morning of your stay, playing with each other's fingers and enjoying the quiet morning when you spoke.

“Do you think that one day, we could do this?” You asked.

“Do what?”

“You know, like, live together? Get an apartment or something, just us? Be able to do this every day?” 

“Yeah, we could, couldn’t we?” he said as he envisioned the future and realized that it was a realistic possibility. 

Jake needed that. He needed the thought of something realistic for his future. He’d been dreaming for too long.

June 2014:

Josh arrived back home around midnight that night. When Josh got back home, Jake was sitting on the couch in the basement, his elbows on his knees, and his head hanging low with his hands in his hair.

Josh walked slowly down the stairs, making just enough noise for Jake to know someone was there. 

“Go away,” Jake said, not even bothering to look up at who it was. 

“You really want me to go away? Because I’m pretty sure I’m all you have right now.” Josh spoke harshly. 

Jake looked up at him with red, swollen eyes and then looked back down. 

“Sam said you threw up,” Josh said timidly. He approached the couch as if Jake was a wild animal who Josh was trying to get to take food out of his hands.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Jake replied bluntly.

“You don’t have to. But when you do want to talk about it- I’m here,” Josh replied as he walked over to Jake and sat next to him on the couch.

The couch dipped down next to Jake as Josh took a seat. Josh waited there for Jake to crack. He knew his brother. He knew it was coming. He knew he was being stubborn and holding it in. Josh was tired and what he wanted more than anything was to go to bed. But he knew Jake was going to need him. The two of them sat there in silence for the better part of an hour until finally, Jake let it all go. 

All Josh could do was grab him and hold him close as Jake cried on his shoulder. The shoulder that the scent of you lingered on since you did the same thing when Josh took you home. Jake smelled it and the memories of you hit him, causing more tears and the holding back of gags. When Jake opened his eyes and saw your black mascara smudged on Josh’s shirt, he cried harder realizing how much he hurt you. 

After the worst of it was over, Josh pulled back from him and helped him catch his breath and breathe deeply. Josh calmed him down considerably and helped him get it all out. 

Josh sat in the basement with Jake for hours while he told him everything. Everything.

At that point, Josh knew it all. He knew about the big moments as well as the little ones. He knew about all the highs and lows. He knew about all the feelings of love as well as heartbreak. He knew secrets that you and Jake kept between each other. Josh planned to hold onto these secrets for years, thinking he would take them all to the grave. 

By the time Jake got it all out, it was almost 4 in the morning. Josh got up off the couch and reached his hand out to Jake. 

“Come on, get up. Let’s go to bed.”

“I can’t.”

“What do you mean you can’t?” 

“Everything in that room reminds me of her. My sheets smell like her. Her clothes are in the drawers. Her pictures are on the walls. I, I tried already- I can’t go in there. I can’t even close my fucking eyes without seeing her face. My head just keeps replaying what I said to her. I can’t believe I fucking said that to her.”

“Honestly,” Josh began, “I can’t believe you said that either.”

Jake titled his head back and stared at the ceiling. He bit his lip and shook his head, still in disbelief of the events of the night as his mind, once again, replayed the conversation he had in his bedroom with you, wishing he could turn back time.

Josh told Jake he’d be right back, went upstairs, took the blanket and pillow off his own bed, and brought them downstairs to Jake.

“Just try to sleep. And let me know if you need anything, okay? Love you.” Josh said as he handed Jake a bottle of water and made him drink some of it. 

Jake didn’t reply but Josh didn’t expect him to. Josh started walking up the stairs but stopped when he heard Jake call to him.

“Josh?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you just, can you make sure she’s okay for me? Please?” Jake asked, his voice cracked as he struggled to even get the words out. 

Josh nodded, “I will.”

“Thanks,” Jake paused. “For everything. Love you too.”

Josh gave him a soft smile, continued up the stairs, and flicked off the basement light.

When Josh got into his room, he grabbed the blankets off of Jake’s bed and laid down on his own bed. He was surprised when he heard a whisper coming from Sam’s side of the room.

“Hey,” Sam asked quietly, “Are they okay?” 

“Only time will tell,” Josh said before closing his eyes and finally getting to fall asleep. 

Jake didn’t sleep at all that night. He stayed awake for almost 3 days straight. When he did sleep, it was only short periods of time and all he saw and dreamt about was you. 

Jake slept downstairs for the next week. When Jake finally returned to sleep in his bed, Josh pretended that he didn’t hear Jake crying every night.

December 2013:

It was December 27, the day after the accidental Christmas sleepover situation. Jake and Josh were in their bedroom. Josh laid in his bed with headphones in, half asleep and listening to music. Jake laid on his bed, on his phone when Sam walked in slowly.

“Hey Jake?” Sam asked, leaning against the door frame to their bedroom.

“Yeah?” Jake replied casually, not looking up from his phone.

“Remember what I, what I, uh, asked you last night?” Sam said shyly. 

Jake raised his head to look up at his little brother. Sam was looking at his feet, too embarrassed to even look at Jake. 

“No, what did you ask?” Jake answered with a small smile forming on his face. He was playing dumb and they both knew it. 

“Don’t make me say it,”

“Sam, I don’t know what you asked me last night,” 

“Jake…”

“Sammy…”

“I asked you, how to, you know,”

Jake’s smile lit up his whole face and the light from his phone screen casted shadows over his eyes, making him look a little evil. He had been waiting for this moment to happen. He loved seeing Sam, who always had smart remarks, vulnerable and in need of advice on a topic that he didn’t know anything about. 

“How to what?” he asked. 

“How to,” Sam began and then his voice trailed off and he got quieter, “kiss a girl.”

Jake let out a laugh and sat up in bed. “Sit down, let’s talk.”

Sam sat on the edge of Jake’s bed and Jake began. 

“So, for starters, when you like a girl, you’re going to get this feeling. I can’t really describe it, and it’ll hit you out of nowhere. It’s like, every time you look at her, or even think about her, you’ll feel something inside you kind of light up. She’ll make you feel like you’re alive, more alive than you’ve ever felt before.”

Sam bit his lip and furrowed his eyebrows, “And you feel that with her?” he asked.

Jake sighed, “Yeah. Every time she looks at me I feel it. Every time I hear her voice. Every time I touch her. It never gets old.”

Jake looked down and smiled to himself before continuing.

“So when that feeling comes, I don’t know you’ll just have this want. A want to feel her in a different way. A want to have her close to you. A want to… kiss her.”

“Okay. But how do you actually do it?” Sam asked.

“When you’re ready to kiss her, you’ll know. You have to be ready, though. Don’t rush it. Don’t push it. And you have to ask her. You have to ask her before you do anything. Dad told you that, right?”

Sam nodded.

“And if you get the okay from her, you just lean into her, turn your head a little, close your eyes, and then kiss her. And when your lips hit hers, something will take over. I don’t know why and I don’t know how but it just will. You’ll know what to do. And if she’s the right girl, you’ll feel that alive feeling when it happens. It’ll start in your chest and then go through your entire body. It’s adrenaline I guess. Hormones and shit.”

“Were you nervous?” 

Jake laughed, “I have never been more nervous in my entire life. But the first one is always the hardest, ya know?”

Sam nodded and let out a “Hm.” He pursed his lips and looked down, somewhat in defeat. 

“Hey,” Jake started, “It’ll happen one day. You’re young, Sam. You have your whole life ahead of you to kiss girls, or guys, or whoever you’re into.” 

Sam let out a light laugh as Jake nudged him with his arm a little. 

“You have to make me one promise though,” he said. 

“What?” Sam asked.

“You have to stop with the jokes. And the gagging noises. And the grossed out look on your face every time she’s over and you see us doing stuff. Especially now that I know you’re not completely disgusted by it.”

Sam rolled his eyes, “Fine,” he sighed.

Jake continued, “And you know you can come to me for anything, right? Even if I do tease you a little about it?”

Sam smiled, “Yeah. Thanks.”

Jake grabbed Sam’s head and messed up his hair as Sam started to get up.

“Oh, one more question,” Sam asked on his way out the door.

“Yeah?”

“What does a blowjob feel like?”

“Google it,” Jake laughed and picked up Sam’s phone that he left behind. He threw it at Sam and Sam caught it.

Sam laughed and walked out of the room, shutting the door behind him. Jake laid back down and wondered the same thing himself. 

A minute went by and Josh spoke.

“It feels good by the way.��

May 2014:

Josh came home from prom weekend late Sunday night.

Jake was in the boys’ room by himself, laying in bed, texting, and eating chips straight out of the bag when the door to the boys bedroom flung open with full force.

“Hello Jacob,” Josh said slyly, giving him a suggestive smirk.

Jake looked up from his phone and met eyes with Josh who was walking towards his own bed. Jake’s eyes followed him. Both of them knew what eachother was thinking. 

Josh knew what happened. Jake knew that Josh knew. Neither of them told each other. But they knew. 

It was almost as if it was a contest to see who would crack a full smile first. 

Jake lost the contest. 

The second Jake’s lips parted and broke out into a smile, Josh jumped onto Jake’s bed and sat on top of him.

Josh immediately began making obnoxious thrusting movements on the bed, on top of Jake. 

“Oh yeahhh, Baby,” he teased in a deep voice as the bed shook underneath him.

“Oh, Jake, yes right there! Don’t stop!” he teased again, this time in a high pitched voice. 

“Get off me you freak!” Jake laughed as he pushed Josh off him. With the push, Josh rolled off of Jake and his feet hit their bedroom floor once again.

Josh grabbed the bag of chips out of Jake’s hands and threw himself on his own bed as both their laughter faded.

He dug his hand into the bag of chips and spoke, “Feel any different?” he asked, popping a chip into his mouth.

“Kind of,” Jake admitted, “It sort of feels like I’m in on this big secret now. I can’t really explain it,” 

Josh nodded. Josh knew what he meant, having experienced this for himself too. 

“Do Mom and Dad know?” Josh asked.

“Fuck no!” Jake answered quickly, “I think Sam knows though,”

“Sam knows what?” Sam asked, entering the room and walking over to the dresser by his bed.

“Nothing. Just that we have a gig next week, that’s all,” Jake answered quickly, covering up the conversation he was just having with Josh.

“Oh, yeah. I know,” Sam answered as he opened the top drawer of the dresser.

Sam dug around in his dresser quietly. Jake and Josh looked at each other silently, and then looked back at Sam, who was clearly trying to eavesdrop.

After a few moments of silence, Josh spoke again. 

“So was it good?” he asked with his voice just above a whisper. 

Jake looked back over at Josh with a smile slowly spreading across his face. 

“Amazing.” 

Sam turned around instantly and pointed his finger at Jake. 

“Aha! You did have sex! I knew it!” Sam called out, proud of himself for coming to that conclusion but also foolishly forgetting that the door to their bedroom was open. 

“SAM SHUT THE FUCK UP!” The twins both shouted in unison.

Jake rolled his eyes and mumbled something under his breath as he got up, grabbed the bag of chips from Josh’s hands, and laid back down on his own bed. 

Josh pulled out his phone and typed out a text to Jake, trying not to catch Sam’s attention.

JOSH: By the way, you should probably tell Dad.

Jake didn’t reply. He just looked at Josh, who was looking back at him with a serious expression. Josh began typing again.

JOSH: He’s not gonna be mad. I promise. 

JOSH: Just do it now. Before Sam does.

Jake looked at the messages and then over at Josh again and sighed. He got up out of bed and walked out of the room.

“Walk of shame,” Sam said, adding a little “tsk tsk,” after. 

That night, all three boys went to sleep close to midnight. 

The late night thoughts got to each of them.

Jake felt whole. He felt good. He felt like a man now. He wasn’t a kid anymore. He was able to have mature conversations with his older brother and father now. He could understand them. They could understand him. Plus, he knew he made a good choice with how and when he did it. The wait was worth it.

Sam felt curious. Still not even having kissed anyone yet, he wondered what his brothers felt. He couldn’t even begin to know. He hadn’t even taken that first step. The hardest one- and he wasn’t even close to it yet. He wondered if he would ever get to that step.

Josh felt conflicted. He was happy for Jake. Seeing his twin brother so in love made his heart fill up. But he was jealous. He didn’t get to have what Jake had. He hadn’t experienced “love” yet. He regretted his first time. Her family moved away last year. He didn’t even know where she was now. He wanted to feel what Jake felt. Usually, he always felt how Jake felt. But for the first time in his life, he couldn’t. He could see it on Jake though and he just wondered, would he ever feel that way? Would he ever have that? Ever?

June 2014:

Jake had been living in the basement for the past three days. He hadn’t slept. He hadn’t eaten. He hadn’t showered. All he did was lay there in Josh’s blanket, watch tv with a blank stare, and cry at night. 

Kelly and Karen talked amongst themselves and came up with a plan in an attempt to get him moving a little. They figured Josh would be the best one to talk to him. He could tell him things without really telling him things. Twins. 

Josh went downstairs one afternoon and sat down next to Jake on the couch. 

“Moms washing your sheets and then me, her, and Ronnie are gonna go out for a little. Dads gonna take Sam out too. So… if you want to do anything by yourself, you could, you know?” 

Jake knew what he meant. 

Jake nodded and turned his back to Josh, covering himself with the blanket again.

Josh went back upstairs and Jake laid there and waited to hear the sounds of two cars leaving the driveway. 

After a few minutes of silence, he sat up. He listened for any noise and there was nothing. For the first time since October, he was actually completely alone. 

He stood up and looked around himself for a second before heading upstairs.

The house was still and silent, which contrasted to its normal busy and bustling energy.

He peeked into his room to see that his sheets, blankets, and pillows were off his bed. He went into the laundry room and opened the lid of the running washing machine. He watched the soap and bubbles slosh through his bed sheets.

He grabbed some clothes from a basket of clean clothes and headed for the bathroom. A white shirt and black sweatpants. The clothes were Josh’s but he didn’t care. He’d been wearing the same clothes for three days and he wasn’t ready to face his bedroom yet. He knew what he’d find when he opened the drawers.

Jake walked into the bathroom and turned the shower onto the hottest setting.

He let it reach its full temperature and stepped in. He stood there with his head down and his eyes closed, just letting the water nearly burn his body. It hurt. He wanted it to hurt. He wanted to feel pain on something besides his heart. He wanted to hurt himself for what he did. He wanted to punish himself.

After a while, he couldn’t take it anymore. He turned the temperature down and properly washed himself, head to toe. It felt good. 

He spotted Ronnie’s pink bottle of shower gel. He looked at it and thought for a second. He shouldn’t. 

But he couldn’t stop himself.

He picked up the bottle and opened it. He lifted it to his nose and instantly regretted his decision. 

He felt his heart sink as the smell of the strawberry body wash brought back memories. She had used it a few times there before. It reminded him of her and how she smelled when she was with him at home. 

He let out a shaky breath and closed his eyes. It took all the mental strength he had to put the bottle back down.

A small wave of pride rushed through him. This was a step. A baby step, but a step nonetheless.

He finished showering and threw on Josh’s clothes. Before leaving the bathroom, he took the pink strawberry body wash bottle and tossed it in the garbage can.

By the time he was done in the shower, he went back to the laundry room to see his sheets were finished being washed. He opened the lid and peeked inside. The sheets were wet, but clean. 

He grabbed the detergent from the shelf above the machine and poured more in there. He hit the wash button again and watched the water fill up before closing the lid. 

He walked into the kitchen to see some of his favorite snacks conveniently placed on the counter. For the first time in days, he felt hungry. 

He grabbed a bag of pretzels and went downstairs. Right before opening the basement door again, he stopped. He looked down the hallway towards his bedroom. It was a straight shot down the hall and he could see his bed and area of the room perfectly from where he was. He closed his eyes and sighed. 

“Another day,” he thought to himself as he turned his vision back to the basement door and opened it, heading back down for the remainder of the night.

~~~~~

The next day, Jake returned to his bedroom with a cardboard box in his hand. His bed was made and his sheets were clean. But he was dreading what he knew he had to do next.

He stood in the doorway, hesitant to enter.

“You coming in?” Josh asked from his bed as he looked up at Jake. 

Jake walked into his room for the first time since the argument. He looked at josh and then looked over at Sam, who was reading a book in his little corner area of the bedroom.

“Get out,” Jake said bluntly.

Sam rolled his eyes, got up, and mumbled something under his breath as he walked past Jake and closed the door behind him.

Jake placed the box down on his bed. Josh already knew what Jake’s intentions were.

He got out of bed and stood next to Jake. The two of them stared at the empty box that was sitting on Jake’s bed.

“Pictures, clothes, anything girly you find,” Jake said.

Josh nodded and the two of them got started.

They worked in silence for a bit. Jake cleared his drawers of her clothes and stuff she had left behind, not realizing it was the last time she’d be in the house. Josh took pictures off the walls surrounding Jake’s bed. He took good looks at them as he peeled the tape off and placed them in a pile.

After a while, Josh broke the silence.

“I missed you,” he said quietly, not making eye contact with Jake. 

“Yeah,” Jake whispered, “me too.”

“You wanna do something later? Just us?”

Jake nodded, “Yeah,” he sighed, “Gonna go talk to her and give this stuff back so, after, okay? I’m probably gonna need you,”

Josh pushed his body into Jake’s, “I’m always here for you, little brother,”

“By five minutes,” Jake laughed. It was the first time Jake had smiled in days.

~~~~~

Jake continued to skip English class for that next week so he wouldn’t see her. He avoided her in the hallways. He went different routes so he wouldn’t run into her. He waited after school for her to leave before he left himself so he wouldn't see her in the parking lot. What he was doing was obvious. He wasn’t subtle about it. 

On Sunday morning, Jake laid in his bed when his mom came into his room and sat down on the edge. It had been over a week since the breakup and Jake was finally back in his own bed.

“I got an email from your English teacher,” she said, “you stopped going to class and haven’t turned in almost two week's worth of work. You’re failing.” 

Jake sighed and turned over, facing the wall.

“I don’t care,” Jake sighed, pulling the covers over his head.

“You should care,” she said firmly, “He said you won’t graduate unless you turn in that final essay. If you do a good job on it, he’ll let you pass the class with a D.”

The essay was due tomorrow, on a book Jake didn’t even read. He was supposed to start it last week with her right after they wrote out their future plans for the graduation program booklet. But obviously, that didn’t end up happening.

The book and the essay were the last things on Jake’s mind. He was decent at reading and writing, but stuff like this took time for him. There’s no way he could do a good job on it and turn it in by Monday.

That day, he tried to read the book. He looked up the plot online. He tried to find or think of an essay idea to write about. He had nothing. He couldn’t focus on anything. Every sentence in the book reminded him of her. He could associate every word in the book with her. He couldn’t even get through one page without starting to feel his heart drop.

He was going to fail. And since he didn’t have plans for next year anyway, who cared about repeating the grade, right?

On Monday, he walked into English class with his hood covering his head. It was his first time back in class after a week of skipping. He sat down in the corner of the room, opposite from where he normally sat. He crossed his arms and lowered his head so only his nose and eyes could be seen.

At the end of class, everyone was instructed to turn their essays in before leaving. 

Jake had nothing. 

He waited until everyone left the room and then walked out without turning in any work. 

“I can’t pass you, Jake,” his teacher warned sympathetically as he walked out.

“See you next year, Mr. H.” Jake said in a monotone voice. 

Friday was the last day of school. The final essays were being passed back to the class, one by one. 

Each student in class smiled and whispered as they all flipped their papers over to see their grades. 

To Jake’s surprise, a typed and stapled essay appeared on his desk, face down.

“I could only give you a B since you turned it in late. But you did a good job. It’ll give you the final grade you need to graduate,” his teacher said quietly as he passed his desk.

Jake looked at the paper on his desk and then up at him.

“I- I didn’t…” he stuttered. He couldn’t even finish his sentence before his teacher walked away to pass the rest of the essays out. 

Jake flipped over the paper to see his name typed at the top and a B+ written in the corner of the paper in red ink.

He skimmed the essay and flipped the pages quickly. It met every requirement. Three pages. Double spaced. Cited Sources. Everything.

The bell rang and everyone got up to leave. They all said their last goodbyes to their teacher before heading to their next class. Again, Jake waited for everyone else to leave before getting up.

Jake approached his teacher's desk and before he could get any closer, he stopped him and said, “Jake, I don’t know what happened and I don’t want to know what happened. But, she’s good to you. Don’t lose her.”

Jake bit the inside of his cheek, rolled the paper up in his hand, and looked down at it.

“I already did,” he whispered, starting to walk out of class.

“Good luck next year, Jake. Wherever life takes you. I have a feeling life’s got big plans for you.”

Jake gave him a small smile and waved as he left the classroom for the last time. 

As he entered the hallway, he looked to the right to see a shadow around the corner quickly disappear.

That night Jake got home to see two gray and red cap and gown sets laid out on the family’s couch.

He pulled out his phone from his pocket and sent a text.

6:45 PM: Thanks.

She got the text. She didn’t reply. 

It took everything she had in her not to reply. And she didn’t know it, but it took everything he had in him not to type “Love you,” at the end.

November 1, 2014:

It was November 1, 2014. You and Jake’s one year anniversary.

After the initial shock of you going to New York for college wore off, Jake came around after some time and offered to try long distance starting in the fall. You were glad that he was willing to try and glad that the relationship you had with him was still strong. After all, what couple doesn’t get into a fight here and there?

The summer you and Jake spent together was indescribable. You spent almost every day together. 

You rode bikes, went camping, got ice cream, and went swimming. Usually, you would stay out all day and all night with him and then sneak each other back into your rooms in the early morning hours for a few hours of sleep.

You went to his family’s lakehouse cabin with him and Josh a few times for a few days at a time in between his gigs.

He started playing more outdoor shows in Michigan and some surrounding states for fairs and auto shows. Sometimes, the two of you would drive a couple hours together for him to play a show for twenty people, and then you’d stay in a crappy motel for the night or you’d sleep in the car as he drove back home. You were doing it, you were seeing the world with him. Little by little.

The summer quickly came to an end though and before you knew it, your parents' car was packed with your clothes and dorm supplies, and you were set to head off to New York. Without him. 

The last time you saw him in person was outside his house at 6 am on an August morning. You were saying your last goodbye to him before you and your parents road tripped to New York to drop you off at school. 

That was the last time you hugged him. The last time you kissed him. The last time you felt him.

He hugged you tighter than he ever had before and you did the same to him. Neither of you wanted to let the other go. You knew it would be the last time you saw him for a while. 

You’ll never forget him standing there in the middle of his driveway, in pajama pants, wiping tears off his face as the car drove away.

He would have come for the drive if he could. But he couldn’t. You understood though. Sam was starting high school in a few days and the band had become busier than ever with shows, rehearsals, and writing and recording sessions scheduled by the little management company that picked them up over the summer.

As summer ended and fall began, the two of you had gotten busy. You with school, and him with the band. Things were picking up for them and you couldn’t have been happier for Jake. The dream he thought he lost forever was back in his grasp and he was achieving it slowly and surely. And regardless of your busy schedules, you always made time for each other where you could fit it. The two of you relied on texts, facetime, and phone calls to stay in touch. You mostly texted throughout the day and called each other when you both had a free afternoon or night.

Thanksgiving break was coming up and you planned to go home to spend the entire long weekend with your family and Jake. You had been counting down the days for weeks. 

You had just got out of class for the day and you were texting Jake on the walk back to your dorm. The two of you planned a little Facetime dinner date for your anniversary. It wouldn’t be much, but it was all you could do. Besides, your roommate already had plans for the weekend to stay with her boyfriend, who went to school in Brooklyn, so you had the room to yourself.

Yellow, brown, and orange leaves blew through the fall air and crunched under your shoes as you walked. The sun was just about to set for the night and it left a golden hue in the sky. New York City in the fall was absolutely perfect. 

4:47 PM: I just got out of class. I’m gonna get food real quick so give me like ten minutes.

He replied instantly.

4:48 PM: Okay, talk to you soon my love.

Your heart skipped a beat for a second at his words. My love. 

You smiled at your phone as your heart filled with warmth. In just a few minutes, you’d be able to hear his voice. And in just a few weeks, you would be seeing him in real life. You could practically feel him already.

You looked up from your phone and continued down the sidewalk. You turned the corner to see your dorm building in the distance. 

As you got closer to your building, you reached down into your bag to find your key. When you looked back up, you saw someone leaning against the building in a denim jacket and a knitted hat with a red and black flannel shirt peeking out from underneath. It seemed to be a guy with wavy, shoulder length brown hair that fell from the hat. He was looking down at his phone.

There was no way. 

You had pictured his face on strangers in the city a million times. You did double takes at guys with long hair you passed in the streets. There was no way it was him. Your mind was playing tricks on you again.

But then you saw it. 

He put his head down and grabbed the back of his neck. It was that same little movement he always did when he was nervous.

Jake.

You started walking faster until you got closer to him. You spoke loud enough for him to hear. At the sound of your voice, his head shot up and a smile lit up his face instantly.

“What are you doing here?” you shouted. You barely even finished what you were saying when he picked you up off the ground and spun you around in his arms. 

He placed you down on the sidewalk and held your face in his palms. 

“Hi Baby,” he whispered, giving you the sweetest kiss on the lips. 

You broke away from him and looked at him in disbelief. He looked different that he had the last time you saw him. 

You grabbed his chin to feel stubble covering it. You held onto his hair and felt the new length of it at your fingertips. It was almost touching his shoulders at that point. It was almost like you were feeling to see if he was real or not. And he was. He was a little different. But he was real. And he was Jake. 

“How did you? When did you?” you asked, barely even able to form a full sentence.

“My flight landed at 2, I took a couple trains, walked around a little, got lost for a second, and then boom- found it,” he explained as he looked up at your building. 

“You did this for me? I’m coming home for Thanksgiving in two weeks!” you said, still in shock.

“I did it for us,” he smiled, “Plus, one year is a big deal. At least that's what my mom said.”

“Jacob Thomas Kiszka. You are unbelievable. You know that, right?” 

He raised his eyebrows, bit his bottom lip, smiled, and nodded.

“Happy one year anniversary, Y/N,” he said softly.

“Happy anniversary, Jake,” you replied.

He smiled at you softly before placing a gentle kiss on  your lips. His lips were soft and his kiss was sweet, just like they always were. 

You continued kissing him and the two of you deepened your kisses. You grabbed him by the back of his neck and pulled him in towards you. He pulled you in by your back. You kissed him hard, not even caring that you were in the middle of the sidewalk.

The feeling of his lips on yours after two months was like none other. It was like no time had passed between the two of you. As you kissed him, memories of every single kiss you shared with him flooded your brain.

The first kiss in his garage. 

The kiss in his car after the two of you made things official. 

The kiss in his bedroom on Christmas. 

The kiss in the snow when he told you he loved you. 

The kiss on the cliffside when you watched the stars. 

The kiss in the rain outside of the bar you went to see him play a show at. 

The kiss in the kitchen of his family's cabin on his birthday. 

The kiss right before you gave him your virginity.

Every. Single. One.

He pulled back after a moment and gave you one more softer kiss. 

“Love you,” he whispered.

“Love you, too,” you replied.

You stood there staring at each other for a moment until Jake broke the silence.

“So,” he said as he held his hands on the small of your back, pulling you in towards him slightly, “I’m here all weekend. Show me around.”

You grabbed his hand and pulled him into your building, now extra thankful your roommate had left for the weekend already. Both of you knew what your first activity together would be.

After you and Jake had a nice little reunion in your room, you took him out to see the city you’ve lived in for the past two months. You introduced him to your friends and showed him all your favorite places around the city. You got dirty water hot dogs, walked through Washington Square Park, and you showed him Times Square. It was just a bit more of the world you were seeing together. 

At night you took him to all the bars that didn’t card and he judged the bands that played 45 minute sets of cover songs. The two of you drank beer and took shots until your vision got blurry. As you drank more, he got handsy and you got giggly; and to be honest, neither of you minded one bit. 

After the last call, the two of you ventured back into the streets and stumbled back to your dorm to squeeze into your tiny twin sized bed, just like you used to do in his room back home. He laid on his back and you put your head on his chest. You lifted your leg up and hitched it over his hip. He pulled you close to him and swirled his fingers along the skin of your back until his hand got too tired and he fell asleep.

For the past two months, you fell asleep and woke up to the sounds of horns honking and sirens blasting outside your window. But that weekend, you fell asleep to the sounds of Jake’s heartbeat in his chest and woke up to the sounds of his soft snoring in your ear. For just a second, it took you back to Michigan, back home.

You laid awake as Jake slept next to you. You stared at the ceiling of your dorm room and then looked over at him.

You were in the middle of New York City. You were a completely insignificant piece of the universe. But you were in Jake’s arms- the safest place on earth. You weren't in Michigan. But you were with him. And with him, you were home.

But that didn’t happen, did it? No. 

“Hello?” your friend called out from the other side of the table you were sitting at in the library. She continued, “I said it’s November 1st. You asked what day it was and I said November 1st. Are you okay? You blanked out for a minute,”

“Yeah, I’m uh, I’m fine,” you stuttered.

You looked down at your school work on the table in front of you and let out a breath. You shook your head and rubbed your face for a second.

“Please tell me you’re still not thinking about your ex. What’s his name? J-”

“Jake,” you interrupted. 

She nodded and took a sip of her coffee.

“Today would have been our one year anniversary. That’s all,” you said quietly.

“Sorry,” she whispered. You could tell she felt bad about bringing it up.

“It’s okay. But, I’m, I’m gonna go back to my room. Be alone for a little,” 

She gave you a sympathetic smile and nodded, “Text me if you need anything,” 

“Thanks, I will,” you said as you got up and packed up your stuff. 

You exited the library and walked down the sidewalk back to your dorm building alone. You approached your building to be hit with the reality that he was not in fact standing outside, waiting for you. 

When you entered your room, you put your stuff down, threw on sweatpants, and got into your bed. You opened your phone and scrolled to the very first photo in your camera roll. The one photo you couldn’t bring yourself to delete. It was Jake, smiling a full toothed smile to the camera with his cheek smushed up next to yours. 

“Happy one year, Baby,” you whispered as you clicked the delete button.

The End

Author’s Note:

I originally published Amongst the Stars on January 19, 2022. It was the first fanfiction I’ve ever written. The original idea for this fic started off as a silly little imagine in a group chat and I never expected it to come to life as a full story. Thank you to that group chat. Thank you to Chelsea for the original edits and thank you to Delani for the title. Thank you to so many of my friends for always listening to my ideas, helping me continue the story, and yelling at me for breaking your hearts. 

As this year has gone on, I’ve written more fics and learned so much. I never thought writing would become a hobby for me but this fic really started it all. Amongst the Stars has been and always will be my baby. I wanted to do something special for the one year anniversary of it. In addition to that, looking back, I saw where improvements could have been made and I decided to make those changes to give ATS a full Princess Diaries style makeover. I compiled the original fic (with edits and additions), the deleted scenes (with some additions as well), new cover art, new extras that took a look inside Jake’s world, and the alternate anniversary ending to keep it all organized and close the world of ATS for good. I guess we can call this the “Deluxe Edition” if you will. 

This story will always hold a special place in my heart. Thank you to anyone who has read it and has supported me along the way. Thank you to the friends I made because of this fic. And finally, thank you to Jake Kiszka and his emo phase. 

The story of ATS may be closed. But I never said anything about Josh and Sam’s first love stories closing. There’s small hints at the plots of their stories hidden within this story. Let me know if you find them!

As always, please let me know what you think in my ask or in the replies. Tell me all the parts you loved and the parts you may not have loved too! I want to hear everything you have to say! I love hearing opinions and feedback!

Playlist: 

(A fanfiction sponsored by Taylor Swift)

Train: Drops of Jupiter

Taylor Swift: You All Over Me

Taylor Swift: Sparks Fly

Taylor Swift: Back to December

Taylor Swift: You’re On Your Own, Kid

Taylor Swift: Invisible String

Taylor Swift: The Very First Night

Lizzy McAlpine: Apple Pie

Niall Horan: Still

Adele: All I Ask

Briston Maroney: Rose

One Direction: Night Changes

Stephen Stills: Love the One You’re With

Greta Van Fleet: Flower Power

Carrie Underwood: The Night Before (Life Goes On)

Goo Goo Dolls: Iris

Hozier: Like Real People Do

Boys Like Girls: Heels Over Head

High School Musical Three Cast: Right Here, Right Now

[world-of-wales]

─ •✧ WILLIAM'S YEAR IN REVIEW : NOVEMBER ✧• ─

1 NOVEMBER - The Prince of Wales held an Investiture at Windsor Castle. He gave a video message at Emergency Responders Mental Health Symposium. 2 NOVEMBER - The Duke and Duchess of Rothesay visited at Burghead Primary School and Brodieshill Farm. Subsequently they visited Day1 in Inverness. 4 NOVEMBER - William departed from Heathrow Airport for Singapore. He appeared in the BBC Earthshot Prize Trailer. He appeared in a video message to support the Stand Up To Cancer Campaign. 5 NOVEMBER - William arrived at Singapore Changi Airport and was received by the British High Commissioner to the Republic of Singapore. Afterwards, he attended a Welcome to Singapore event at the Jewel and was received by the Senior Minister of State for Foreign Affairs. 6 NOVEMBER - William visited PAssion Wave @Marina Bay and joined in a Dragon Boat Race. He was received by The President of Singapore at the Istana. Subsequently, William called upon the Prime Minister of the Republic of Singapore. He attended the United for Wildlife Global Summit. 7 NOVEMBER - William held Meeting with Finalists of the 2023 Earthshot Awards. Afterwards, he attended a Founding Partners' Lunch. He attended the Earthshot Prize rehearsals. He later visited EcoLabs. He attended the Earthshot Prize Awards. Subsequently he attended an Earthshot Prize Thank You Reception. 8 NOVEMBER - William visited TreeTop Walk at Central Catchment Nature Reserve. He attended the Earthshot+ Summit. He visited Centre for Wildlife Forensics. William attended a Meeting with UK Defence Advisers at the British High Commission. He attended a Reception for the Earthshot Prize. Finally, he departed from Singapore Changi Airport for the UK. William gave appeared in an Earthshot Q&A video. 9 NOVEMBER - He arrived at Heathrow Airport. 10 NOVEMBER - William appeared in BTS Earthshot Prize Portraits. 11 NOVEMBER - Will and Cat attended the RBL Festival of Remembrance. 12 NOVEMBER - The Prince of Wales along with The Princess attended the Remembrance Day Service of Remembrance and laid a wreath at the Cenotaph. The broadcast of the 2023 Earthshot Awards, featured a video of William and Catherine snorkelling with Coral Vita. 13 NOVEMBER - William received Lieutenant General Ian Cave & Brigadier Peter Dennis (Colonel & Secretary, Mercian Regiment) at Windsor Castle. Later, he attended the Funeral of Sir Robert Charlton. 14 NOVEMBER - William and Catherine attended The King's Birthday Party. 15 NOVEMBER - The Prince of Wales was represented by Miss Helen Asprey at the Service of Thanksgiving for the late Earl of Airlie KT. 16 NOVEMBER - William visited the Hideaway Youth Project in Manchester. Later, he visited Keeping It Real at Moss Side Millennium Powerhouse. Subsequently, he visited Jessie's Wall. 17 NOVEMBER - William appeared in a 'This or That' session video for Earthshot. 21 NOVEMBER - William and Catherine welcomed The President of the Republic of Korea and Mrs Kim Keon Hee at their Hotel. They then accompanied the Presidential Couple to Horse Guards and were met by The King and Queen. Afterwards, they viewed an Exhibition of the Royal Collection items relating to the Republic of Korea. Finally, they attended the State Dinner at Buckingham Palace. 22 NOVEMBER - Will and Cat held a Reception at Windsor Castle. 23 NOVEMBER - The Prince of Wales received Her Majesty Margareta, Custodian of the Romanian Crown and Prince Radu of Romania. Later, he visited The Mercian Regiment on Salisbury Plain. 24 NOVEMBER - He received The Crown Prince of the Sultanate of Oman. 27 NOVEMBER - William held an Investiture at Buckingham Palace. Later, he attended the Tusk Conservation Awards. 28 NOVEMBER - William received Lieutenant Colonel Guy Bartle-Jones (Regimental Adjutant, Welsh Guards). Afterwards, he received submariners. He awrote a letter to Dr. Alex George. 30 NOVEMBER - William and Catherine received Crown Princess Victoria of Sweden and Prince Daniel of Sweden at Windsor Castle. Afterwards, they were we're joined by Victoria and Daniel for the Royal Variety Show.