#Please i have autism i love monologuing

[araneapeixes]

Hi just wanted to say your art is gorgeous!! :)

I'm curious to know what got you sunk deep into BG3? For me it's the combat, storytelling and freedom of choices in the game!!

And uh, even after 400 over hours later I don't think i'm stopping BG3 anytime soon.

Hi!! Thank you so much, that is very sweet!!!!

ooh hehe good question. Immediately the characters, storytelling and depth of the world made me want to never stop playing tbh. Just wanted to go everywhere and click on and explore everything. Then I quickly got very attached to the main cast and that's what made it impossible for me to put the game down, it's been a long time since I was this emotionally invested in something, and the narratives and aesthetics really lend themselves to artistic inspiration too so it really rejuvenated my art.

And SOOO TRUE with the freedom of choices, I LOVE branching paths and far-reaching consequencesin games, and BG3 is an absolute beast at letting you do literally anything. Like the breadth of possibilities both gameplay-wise and story-wise is insanee and I'm just constantly in awe of the amount of effort put into it. And on a narrative level, the stories would be good even if they were linear right, but being able to see what COULD be if you'd done things differently makes your choices feel all the more valuable? Like Selunite Shadowheart is made more special by you being able to see DJ Shadowheart. Now I'm rambling bc I started thinking about Shadowheart again

[transyourjester]

very rarely do i even think to consider me and characters i like being on the same plane of existence, let alone being friends with them, but as soon as i saw laios holding that huge squid parasite i knew. i knew we were destined to be best fucking friends. and i will not rest until this is done

[you-can-be-what-you-want-to-be]

Do you play a long drawn out game of cat and mouse where you handcuff yourself to your enemy pretending to be your bestie that you have romantic chemistry with and then when he kills you preform an act of worship and say it’s YOUR sins that need forgiveness and then tell him that he’ll miss you when you go or are you straight and not autistic

[localplaguenurse]

I am so in fucking love with the stairway to heaven animation and the only ways I can express that is to either say I am bricked the FUCK up, or I give in to the uber instincts of my uber autism and write an essay on what I THINK are some of the references/inspirations used in the animation. I chose the essay because I need people to know why I am "bricked up."

I am fully willing to accept if I am wrong/reaching for some of these but even then, I think it's cool that I can still connect certain moments with things I enjoy. With that out of the way, behold my analysis/breakdown of Stairway to Heaven!

Spoilers below the cut not just for the animation, but also minor spoilers for Kane Pixel's backrooms series, Liminal Land, Skinamarink, and Mandela Catalogue. Also just a warning for the incoherent ramblings of a guy who's abnormal about analog/indie horror. Please please please please PLEASE go watch the animation if you haven't.

First, "subject 087" is in reference to SCP-087, the never ending staircase SCP. I actually didn't even catch that the first time until I scrolled down to the comments lmao. In my defense, when SCP was blowing up in the mid 2010s I wasn't really old enough to appreciate it or find the format interesting (and honestly it is still hard for me to really get into it, but that's more of a me thing. Conceptually a clinical approach to horror like with SCPs or in All Tomorrows is fascinating, but it can be a bit of a slog for me), so I only knew the main three's numbers. (173, 096, and 682).

"Motion detected" has been used in just about every analog horror series now, but Mandela Catalogue is probably the main series that popularized the trope when analog horror first started getting popular.

The backrooms is, obviously, the backrooms. You can probably assume it's Kane Pixels' backrooms because his version really blew up but it feels more like early days backrooms before we got all those monsters and almond water stuff. (Which btw it's so funny we got "almond water" from whoever the first person to say the air smells like almonds was. For reference, almonds smell like cyanide. OP was trying to say the air smells toxic, not that almonds are the safest thing to consume in the backrooms.)

This shot just reminded me of The Oldest View, ALSO from Kane Pixels. Tbh that's probably just me but I thought it was neat.

Next up, the door. Aside from the obvious 333 angel numbers which also appear very prominently in Mandela Catalogue (this series is going to pop up a lot, I'm sorry), but for some reason it reminded me of the Silent Hill 4 door. Again, that's just the tism probably.

Skinamarink ahh shot, was honestly expecting the door to just poof, disappear.

Next, the shot with all the houses. While KP's Backrooms do have that creepy neighbourhood, this exact shot and set up feels closer to H.O.M.E. from Liminal Land.

And then our most darling biblically accurate horror icon Columbina would make False Gabriel proud, and just... she is so fucking cool and creepy in this and I love her so much.

This whole sequence was for one absolutely horrifying and beautiful, but what caught MY attention were the settings and locations shown. These are standard creepy liminal spaces and analog horror gore censorship, yes, but they also reminded me of the locations Trevor Henderson uses in his art pieces, so suffice to say I think Columbina looks RIGHT AT HOME regardless of how you wanna look at these shots. And the animation on her face opening up into wings and eyes is just an absolute chef's kiss moment. Props to the animators, man.

This trope, the whole main character monologue overlaying the screen moment, very common in analog horror but for me, again popularized by its use in the Mandela Catalogue.

The smudged picture is a reference to one of the ending shots in Skinamarink, where it pans over the childhood photos only for their heads and faces to now be missing, which most agree is the movie's way of saying these kids were trapped her for so long they eventually just stopped existing/faded into nothingness.

And finally, the classic ending scene of KP's first Backrooms video.

I know for a fact there are probably other references to liminal spaces/analog horror that I either missed or they're like general concepts/tropes used in analog horror. I did almost mention the mill in petscop because of Columbina's "two in the mill, one taken, one left" because that phrasing felt really specific, but it doesn't quite fit the vibes of all the other references. Also her only being seen in the camera is a trope used in all manner of horror media. My first thought was the forest scene in VHS (2012) where the murderer could only be seen in the film static.

I just wanted to get the especially cool/unique moments out there. I didn't even touch on the storyline but that's because it seems pretty straightforward. I'm also aware not many people are gonna read my red string corkboard ramblings, which I'm fine with. I just needed to get this out of my system, but I do appreciate those who did take the time to indulge my ramblings!

That's all for now, back to whatever the hell I had planned for today.

[inanimateinsanitywiki]

please please talk about the osc dark ages. i avoided it for awhile i think. i need to know just how shitty and poorly-made object shows were back then. looks at you with my big wet eyes.

when i talk about the "dark ages" of the osc, i'm specifically talking about a time period spanning from the mid-to-late 2010s.

the "dark ages" are marked by a sudden drop in activity from most popular object shows, and the prominence of cringe culture in that era. around this time, a lot of popular object show creators were at an age where they were now full-time college students, leaving them with very little time to work on their shows. inanimate insanity was releasing about one episode per year at this point, and bfdi was completely inactive. i don't know much about what the huangs were doing during this time, but i do know that for ii, things were MESSY behind the scenes. i followed adam's deviantart journals pretty actively around this time, and he often talked about his struggles with his decision to study animation professionally, and how he was unsure of the show's future. there was actually a time where he briefly stepped down of the director of the show, but it thankfully didn't last long. (fun fact! baseball's monologue in s2e10 about his inability to lead his alliance was ad-libbed by adam, and was a reflection of how he felt about his ability to direct the show and its team at the time.) the inanimate insanity kickstarter was launched towards the tail-end of this time period, and it's extremely likely the show wouldn't have continued at all had it not been funded.

the other major contributor was the rise of "cringe culture". we're talking about a time where youtubers like filthy frank and leafyishere absolutely DOMINATED youtube. the internet was not an environment that appreciated any kind of joyous whimsy and unabashed love of your interests. many osc creators and alumni were in their late teens, which is already an age where you become mildly to severely irony-poisoned, but the culture of the time only made it worse. object shows were seen as Dumb and Lame, even by the people who had spent years of their life working on them. multiple "joke" object shows released, the most famous of which being object redundancy (i actually can't find the year this one released, as its only kept alive via reuploads now, none of which have a date), and my goat, object show 87. if you want to get a feel for the community around this time, os87 is the poster child for it. it's full of edgy and offensive jokes (i mentioned this already, but there's a character who's name is straight up a slur, or at least a very offensive term), outdated references (keemstar is a contestant.), and an almost unrelenting hatred for popular object show tropes. object show 87 is a show that HATES the fact that it's an object show. it's honestly fascinating to me, and i've considered making a video essay on it. and it wasn't even a show made by some randos, object show 87 was made by SAM THORNBURY and XANYLEAVES. these weren't some random assholes with a hateboner for the genre, these were some of the most prolific creators and animators in the community.

it was an absolutely miserable time to be an object show fan. the stream of new episodes and shows had dried up, and what DID come out was just a bunch of edgy teenagers going "haha object shows are so doopid. i am going to say a slur now". it was not a good time to have object show autism.

[henrysglock]

Because they blocked me instead of taking it straight from the horse's mouth that they misinterpreted the entirety of Papa Warbucks, I'd like to deconstruct the other things that particular "critique" took issue with, which I had saved to my phone so I could address when I had time. I did that while I had them unblocked/before they blocked me, because honestly I did want them to see my explanations.

Alas, here we are.

Number 1:

This just in. No more daddy kink. Pack it up, guys...let's go home...the kink police are here...

Also, to be clear, it was Henry who did that in PW. It wasn't even something Martin suggested Henry do. Henry's just a little freak who likes to press buttons to see what they do because, in keeping with TFS, Martin refers to his father as Papa. Henry can tell Martin's got daddy issues out the wazoo, it's something they discussed not even half an hour prior, and the poor guy just. blurts it out. It's not like Martin was there rubbing his grubby hands together like "uhuhuhu can I coerce Henry into calling me Papa in bed? uhuhuh". It was very much something on Henry's end.

(However, regarding Henry's button-pushing when he's lacking inhibitions, see also: Henry addressing Martin as "Captain" as a joke, which is a play on the whole "Martin's dad wouldn't approve" thing from earlier in the night. It's a bit.)

Number 2:

Martin Brenner may have been a psychiatrist by trade, but that didn't mean he couldn't recognize a work of art when he saw one.

Martin loved his job, no doubt; the human mind was his passion.

Bro...this is what he does for a living. It's his career. He's never met a puzzle he couldn't solve. He's fascinated by Henry. What a terrible thing. A tragedy, truly, and godawful abuse towards Henry, too. /s

Also, here's the "pouncing on mommy issues and insecurities" in question:

"My mother would say it's one of those ideas that kept me out of the good schools." Oh, there's something. Martin wanted to tug on that thread. A bit daring, especially for a first (and possibly only) date, but it was worth tucking away for later. If there was something he loved, it was taking people apart like puzzles.

"I mean, it was a joke, technically...but it would be kinda interesting to find out what, collectively, is wrong with the lot of us." Martin's reply, in all its blunt, factual glory, was out before he could stop it. "Autism, primarily." The shocked blink that greeted him in the rearview narrowed into amused incredulity as they breezed through the parking lot. "Is this a dinner date or a diagnosis?" Henry snarked, the bite of his tone undermined by the teasing twist of his lips. "Did my mother put you up to this?" Nevermind. Threads exist to be pulled. The backstory lurking behind his date's doe eyes was proving to be an irresistible treat. "That's the second time you've mentioned your mother, Henry. Tell me—is she not pleased that you're attending to the best art school in the country?"

The man literally just wants to know the dirt on Virginia CreeI, yes because it will tell him more about Henry, but also because he's a nosy cunt who likes knowing about the Drama. What a crime. How predatory.

Henry gives it back in kind, though ("Is this a date or a diagnosis?"), and he's very much aware of Martin's tendency to play detective. Henry's not stupid.

Rein it in, idiot. Henry's inner monologue had always been his most scathing critic; it was no different now, as he rounded the front of the town car and willed himself to stop yapping. Forget being trans, this is why no one wants to date you. Remember what Mom said about you and emotional labor? Martin's a psychiatrist, he can smell that stuff a mile away—

And regarding seeing Henry as an experiment, here's the only section where that comes up:

I wonder who made him so reluctant to let people spoil him, Martin thought as he watched the young man across from him fiddle with his napkin. No doubt it's his mother. Perhaps it was the doctor in him, but Henry's attitude towards having money spent on him only made Martin want to dote on him more, to see if he could get him to accept generosity without attaching guilt to it. What had started out as the prelude to one nice meal for a pretty, starving artist was rapidly progressing into a full-fledged experiment, and the best place to start with an experiment was questions. "So, Henry," he broke the brief silence that had fallen between them, "What area of art do you study? Animation, painting..." As expected, the open-ended question had Henry tearing his eyes off the square of maroon fabric in his lap.

The "experiment" in question:

Martin views the thing in general as "how much money can I get away with spending on a nice young man", but there's also a definite aspect of him genuinely liking Henry as a person.

Rather, it was that he had no idea how much he would enjoy Henry’s company on its own, all else aside. He was awkward, obviously, but he was also funny and almost painfully genuine; there was a charm to it all that Martin suspected most people couldn’t evade. "You know, maybe I ought to take you back to Rochester with me after all," he mused, more to himself than to Henry...

Christ. Maybe he wasn't too far off with that basement thing earlier. He shook his head, a little helpless. I met him this afternoon and I'd already like him to be a permanent fixture in my life. I need to get ahold of myself.

And yes, the secret basement laboratory is a running joke. Henry started it.

“Is that funny?” “No! No. I just…You are taking me to dinner, right? You didn’t pick me up at a con to lock me up in your secret underground asylum and study my brain or something, right?” Henry’s giggles slipped into outright laughter, the awkward tension in the car ebbing away as Martin found himself incapable of restraining a smile of his own. “No, Henry. Unfortunately,” he sincerely hoped the young man in his backseat could read the sarcasm in his tone, “I don’t have an underground asylum to lock you away in.” “Oh my God, wouldn’t that be just the thing, though.” Henry cleared his throat and adopted what Martin assumed to be his best impression of a hoity-toity doctor, “‘Longitudinal Study of Midwest Comic-Con Attendees’ Brain Abnormalities’.”

What a travesty, overall. 500 lashes for James Henrysglock.

Number 3:

Girl (gn) please.

It happens 7 times (I re-counted), and one of them was "20-something year old boy" like. That's an adult. You ever heard of older people referring to younger men as boys? People calling it "boy troubles" even when they're in college? No? Okay.

You know how many times Martin refers to Henry as a whole-ass man, though? 12 times.

There's also a whole bit about Martin sitting there worrying because he didn't double check that Henry was old enough to drink. Everyone here knows Henry's a grown ass man.

Mountain of a molehill makin' ass. Christ.

Also, Henry is not at all naive. He knows what he's about.

See:

Henry making the choice, unprompted, to bring protection

He glanced at the bedside digital clock. Seven-ten. He could feel a ball of something nervous and fluttery taking root in the pit of his stomach, the kind that made him feel the need to shake like a wet dog to shed the excess energy. Oh god. Would it be too presumptuous of me to stick a condom in my pocket? He’d never even know if we didn’t…y’know. But if we did, maybe it would come off as thoughtful? Easy? Smart? Full of myself? The clock read seven-fifteen. Henry dug around in his suitcase and produced the single little foil package he’d stuck in there just on the remote chance someone wanted to screw him. It stared him right in the face, pinched between his forefinger and thumb. Better safe than sorry. Right? I should just. Hoo-boy. I’m doing this. Seven-twenty-two. Henry shoved the condom in his front-right pocket as fast as he could, like he was ripping off a band-aid.

Henry reading Martin like a fucking BOOK

Maybe he went into psych stuff to spite his dad, or maybe to figure out what his damage was. Maybe he was an army kid, I know vets aren't always chill about psych stuff. After all, he seems about the right age to have had a dad who went to Vietnam. ... I may have been right about him being a military kid. "What, did he expect you to join the army or something?" "Navy, actually. He was a captain himself, and I suppose he expected I'd follow in his footsteps." Henry wanted to smile at the fact that he'd been right, but he figured it wouldn't exactly be appropriate for the situation and briefly sucked his lower lip into his mouth instead.

What I believe that point from the "critique" is picking up on is that Henry's inexperienced. He's a virgin. He's 21. Thus, he doesn't know how sex normally goes. He's awkward. He doesn't know jack shit about wine selections, other than "cheap and fruity is best".

Also...I'm not sure if OP missed it, but "easily flustered" is one of Henry's BIGGEST character traits. He's a nervous overthinker, a rambler, a dog in a "NERVOUS" vest. He doesn't know how to take praise gracefully. He says cringeworthy things and immediately kicks himself over it.

And yes, Martin thinks it's cute. Because it is cutesy behavior. Read any sugar mommy/daddy fic, and I guarantee they'll see a flustered sugar baby as something worth fawning over. That's part of the genre, I fear.

As for people being under the impression that they're father and son? THAT'S ANOTHER RUNNING JOKE. IT'S A BIT.

It starts in the very first section with Martin being put off by Virginia and thinking that he'd put Henry up in a nicer hotel if he were in her shoes.

“Hilton? God, no. I was lucky my dad talked my mom into putting me up at the ‘8.” If he were my son, he’d be put up in a suite on-site, Martin groused internally. Logically, he knew it was irrational to try and coerce Henry into moving rooms, and that the Hilton likely had no rooms left regardless. That didn’t mean it didn’t irk him anyway.

And then Henry jokes about their age gap re: booze

"D'you think they'll card me?" Maybe Henry wasn't over the legal drinking age, then. It wasn't unheard of for someone to be twenty years old at the end of their junior year. Perhaps Henry was born in September and would be turning twenty-one shortly after beginning his senior year...or maybe he'd graduated high school early. He was attending a prestigious school, after all. Martin swallowed down and staunchly ignored the odd gut-punch feeling that realization came with, and peeked across the table over top of the menu. "Just precautionary, nothing more." "I mean," Henry cocked a mischievous eyebrow, "you could always just say you're my dad. That makes it legal, right?" Recovering quickly from the momentary shock of hearing a statement like that come out of his date's mouth (and as if he hadn't had thoughts along the exact same lines himself just that afternoon) Martin coughed a little and shook his head. "No, no. I'm afraid Indiana is a little too...conservative for parental permission allowances." "Eugh," Henry scrunched his nose like a bunny, vague disgust playing out across his face as he dug his wallet out, "That's a bummer. It's a good thing I'm twenty-one, then, huh?"

It's the same as going "Do I still pass for 12?" about a goddamn kids menu. IT'S A BIT.

Then, the server assumes they're related because of the age gap. This is a play on married couples being mistaken for blood family.

"Is this going to be on one card, or are you splitting it with your...son?" "...One card will suffice." From across the table, he could feel Henry's eyes trained on his face as he tucked his credit card into the folder. Son. That's...hm. Well. Third time's the charm, I suppose. "Very good. I'll have this right back for you." As soon as the server was back out of range, Martin let himself look back over at Henry, who was still watching him with a sly smile. "Not gonna correct him?" "I wasn't the one who suggested that I play your father on the off chance you didn't bring your ID." Henry shrugged with his eyebrows, a quick up-down of acquiescence. "Touché. Thank you for paying."

And Martin returns the joke that Henry started. IT'S A BIT. IT'S AN INSIDE JOKE.

And when it happens a second time, but without the ability to joke about it, Henry is offended and has half a mind to correct the receptionist before deciding it's not worth the time. (Because he's wise enough to know he's never going to see this person again, so why bother?)

"Creel? Room twenty-two? That room doesn't have an outstanding balance on it." "...What?" "Yeah. A man came by and paid it. He said he knew you. Tall, about six-two, maybe six-three? Brown hair, middle aged? The last name on the card was, uh..." he tapped a few keys, and then squinted down at the computer, "Brenner." Henry's response was out before he could stop it. "You're shitting me." "Nope. I have better things to do than lie to teenagers. Take it up with yer Pop." He would have sputtered indignantly, but he thought better of it when he realized it was simpler to just nod and go on his way than try to explain to the receptionist that no, Martin wasn't his father, he was some well-off guy he'd met at a comic con who seemed to have taken a special liking to him after they'd slept together.

Also, has no one ever heard of calling someone a child to be nasty to them/to tell them that they're being annoying? That is what's happening, here.

The "son" thing was a BIT. It was a JOKE. and as soon as Henry can't joke about it, he's upset by the assumption. He's not happy people assume the two of them are father and son. Christ.

Also, parting notes:

I sure hope you didn't keep those poor people held up for over an hour. Sounds fake anyway, like one of those old tumblr posts with "and everyone in the grocery store cheered".

Also...have you ever heard of the term "hate-fucking"? It's kind of a pillar of fandom.

Okay, that's all I have to say. Cheers!

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Death In Paradise And How The Show or Shows Have Unknowingly Made Beautiful Autism Representation An Eassay By An Autistic Person

Introduction

I never get this personal or sappe but hi I'm Mel and just recently I got my Autism diagnosis. Recently I've been trying to discover who I am and what parts were just lies after realising i have been making and trying to imitate and please people my entire life.

I started watching Death In Paradise at the end of Season 10 my Mum had it on the tv and I thought it was interesting so I started watching. I then watched the first Christmas special and fell in love even more before giving season 11 a watch. Really loved all the characters and especially loved the characters, the visuals and the mystery aspect. Infact it made murder mysteries/who dunnits become one of my special interests. Started watching Beyond Paradise and some of the earlier seasons with Richard Poole.

Two things have made me realise why I probably love Death In Paradise since I have gotten my Autism diagnosis.

1: I was discussing the series finale with a fan who has sadly but understandably deleted their twitter account about how all the DI'S especially Neville when he was flashing back to the scene he was arrested found myself relatable as I replay my memories like that.

2: Martha's breakup monologue as heartbreaking as it was to Humphrey because she's absolutely out of line since they could adopt but her gut reaction is absolutely right. She has treated Humphrey appallingly not communicating with him about his feelings till that moment and not being honest with Humphrey resulting in him being dishonest in return. I am a people pleaser and will often think about others happiness before my own and Humphrey impulsively agreeing to move to Shipton Abbott is a good example as he really struggled setting in. Martha is right Humphrey is awkwardly nice to everyone even the police commissioner who I would have no patience with.

Now I realise that I am invested in these shows not just for the mysteries and the who dunnit element but to see Autistic people like me have human struggles in a very stressful job.

Even though I'm on a very different career path to all the DI'S as an Autistic person I think all the DI's are Autistic and show their own unique struggles. This is why I fell in love with the character of the Doctor to. If the DI'S aren't cannon Autistic they're definitely Autistic coded and it's my headcannon and I'm over riding the bbc on this one because when we see the way Autism is represented on screen within other white male characters I can see that Neville, Jack, Humphrey and Richard ain't no Rainman or Sheldon Cooper or Good Doctor which is why I feel so represented through these characters.

So with from what I've seen I would like to break down each DI that has been on the show and essentially justify why I have head cannoned all of the DI'S as Autistic.

1: DI Richard Poole

There are so many things that make me think he's Autistic I'm up to S2 Episode 7 of Death In Paradise as I'm wanting to catch up and as soon as this man came on screen I knew that there was no way in heck that Richard Poole is just neurodivergent grumpy english man as Camille would put it. One of the episodes I related to was Season 2 Episode 5 because if there's one thing I struggle with as an Autistic person its giving people the correct comfort they need.

Which links perfectly to my first point.

1: Richard And Emotion

Constantly throughout the first two seasons we see Richard struggle to communicate his emotions and hide how he's feeling. When sad things come up in s2 ep 5 and when he's asked to hold baby Rosie for the first time he struggles to display how he's truly feeling and how best to react. It shines especially when he asks Dwayne how he comforted Camille. I think Season 2 Episode 6 and Episode 5 was the first time we'd properly seen Richard sort of embrace the sand and open up emotionally.

2: Sensory Needs

Similar to Neville he makes it very clear that he does not enjoy the loud festivals on the island. He seems most comfortable up in his shack secluded reading a good book and chilling out.

He also seems to wear no summer clothes on the island as despite the heat he only seems comfortable with suits. Personally I struggle with being in bare t shirts and shorts so I can definitely relate to the fact. Richard seems definitely like one of those people who doesn't climatise for the summer and will not wear coats in the winter.

Overall an absolutely amazing relatable character.

2: DI Humphrey Goodman

I haven't gotten to S3 with Humphrey yet but I can also see relatable Autistic Representation in him. This is all based on from what I've seen in Beyond Paradise Humphrey wants to please and get on with everyone so he often hides his own emotions and puts others first. I can also see that he stims, forgets stuff if there's a change in routine and burnout hits him hard. I think he was partly burnout as the falling out with Martha must have been quite exhausting.

Masking is a huge thing with Humphrey so in my head cannon I think people including Humphrey have dismissed him being Autistic as just him being quirky. In my opinion the beyond paradise finale and episode five showed just how much Humphrey represses his emotions and then when it comes to burst it's bad.

1: Masking and Socializing

Humphrey throughout the beyond paradise series constantly tries to hide his uncomfortableness with Archie being around and his feelings about Martha stopping IVF. I know he came around and was sincere in the finale but I honestly think he wanted to pretend he felt ok with it so he wouldn't lose Martha.

Social wise he is also very awkward with people and struggles to communicate what he wants them to feel. Fights and conflicts seem to also exhaust Humphrey. Talking to Esther in Episode Five he admits he doesn't know how to feel about Martha not wanting kids and can't stop thinking about it. Infact he's so distracted by his fight with Martha that he can barely help Esther with the case. I'm often overwhelmed with socialising and go away to relax and think things through is definitely a coping mechanism I use.

2: Stiming And Info-Dumping

A form of stiming I picked up from Doctor Who was flapping my hands about when I'm talking and rambling. Humphrey out of all of the detective's seems to do this the most even when not talking about the solutions to a case.

He also is very passionate when talking about his special interests. I also think the way in the beyond paradise series he pictures the crime in his head and relives it whilst explaining it to Esther is very not neurotypical I view memories and emotions in my head like that sometimes.

Overall a very relatable character regarding his social skills and his need to people please.

3: DI Jack Mooney

This is going to be very short as I haven't seen much of Jack Mooney due to the fact I'm on S2 of my Death In Paradise rewatch but even the three episodes I watched whilst it was rerunning alongside Beyond Paradise I got very not neurotypical vibes from him.

The episode where he's rooming with Dwayne shows his struggle to interrupt other people's emotions, read social cues and understand the right moment to intrude on a conversation. It's absolutely hilarious when he just walks in on Darlene and Dwaynes date without considering that it's not an appropriate time. Not to mention when he interrupted Dwayne from his shower.

Through all three episodes I saw I can tell that he really struggles with grief so Florence is a good friend that he can consol. She helps him realise what stuff might make the shack feel more comfortable and friendly, like having a record player etc.

If any Autistic DIP fans want to reblog this and share their own thoughts about why they headcannon Jack as Autistic.

4: DI Neville Parker

Ah Neville Parker a character that I can definitely see myself in especially after season 12. Although I started watching from half of season 10 I still have enough reasoning to justify my headcannon. The way Neville organisises his meds and takes rejection from other people shows. Although you don't have to be Autistic to experience and anxiety Neville from what I've seen definitely overlaps with both.

Similar to Richard he seems to really struggle with the environment but at least have the sense to not where his blazer all the time and change into island built clothes off shift. Season 12 shows that Neville has adapted so well to the island that if he was put anywhere else like a prison cell its nerve racking and difficult for him. Not to mention from my own experience I've switched off when I'm sad or when something too difficult to process has happened and Neville does just that at the end of S12 through the Sophie or should I say Rebecca situation.

1: Lack Of Red Flags + Social Cues

Season 12 showed that because of Nevilles desire to have a relationship with someone and get over Florence he was unable to ignore the red flags about Sophie until he was in jail for her murder. Ok I'm pretty sure not all of the neurotypical Death In Paradise fans didn't fall for Sophies scheme but like Neville I truly felt no bad vibes from her until the very end. I haven't seen the red flags till to late and its costs me my mental health.

Neville seems to really struggle how to communicate his feelings as also seen by his crush on Florence.

2: Stimming + Special Interests

Throughout the show Neville is very rigid he fidgets and waves his arms about enthusiastically when he has found out who the killer is.

Throughout the show we can also see that Neville is a passionate reader and loves Star gazing. He was absolutely thrilled to info dump about the famous star gazer that has been unalived. We see he struggles with stuff outside of his limits and will glady lovingly share fun fact with his team.

3: Emotions/Shutdown

As mentioned Neville tends to become quiet when he's upset and shutdown. We can see throughout the case in episode 8 he's not entirely there till he confronts Sophie for the final time.

Neville insanely loses his enthusiasm and energy after he's arrested. If you look back he does not instigate any of the conversations whilst he's in the cell unless it's Sophie. Most people would react screaming and yelling when arrested but Neville is just too shocked to move. As an Autistic person I've had a shutdown only once but I definitely relate that if I was arrested I would just be frozen in panic not wanting to upset anyone.

Being quiet seems to be one of Nevilles best coping skills when something immensely stressful has happened.

Again when he had that freeze frame recalling when he was arrested and who could have switched the keys it seemed very relatable and not neurotypical. Not to mention a lot of Autistic people have a high sense of justice which could explain Neds fearless anger and frustration at the end of Ep 7.

Conclusion

I think even if coded having Autistic representation that's not cis white man super intelligent with no struggles is impactful its also why I want a black or biracial DI on the show as it would be even more impactful.

Honestly all the DIS being Autistic or on the neurodiverse spectrum as a whole adds to alot of the fish out of water element of the show.

I highly encourage reblogs as i assume I'm not the only autistic or neurodivergent fan of the show.

-Melody-

They/Them

[happyk44]

hiiii happy!!!! how do you feel abt jason's adhd? in my opinion, the books didn't really do a job illustrating it. how do you think it would manifest and affect him? i'd love to hear your opinion ☺️ i love you!!! 💖💓💗

Personally, I think of Jason as being autistic versus having ADHD. We know through Frank that having ADHD and dyslexia (both of which Frank does not have) is not an exclusive requirement to being a demigod. On top of that, Rick’s use of ADHD is not… great. My sister has been diagnosed with ADHD since she was five – she is very much the inattentive subtype, and I think Rick’s use of ADHD as a superpower of hypervigilance does sort of exclude people who primarily experience inattentive symptoms.

But those kinds of symptoms are not easily rewritten as “benefits” (which. yeah. It’s a disability), so I get why he didn’t include it. I remember reading a while back that when the books were first published, rewriting ADHD as a superpower/benefit to kids who had it was a common narrative, so, like, okay, but also. It’s been two decades.

But anyway. Jason. Yes! In general:

He gets easily distracted by different tasks, but to other people it just looks like he’s multitasking

He forgets to take care of himself a lot, forgets to eat, shower, drink water, sleep, talk to people and be social, etc

Auditory processing issues. During long speeches he starts to zone out because the sound eventually merges into all the other background noise he’s trying to filter out (wind powers and wolf vigilance amplifies the sound of everything) so he often encourages people to just get to the point and be upfront, and gets frustrated when people won’t. Also can’t stand people who talk in monotone (which is ironic because I think Jason doesn’t inflect or shift his voice very much)

Leo definitely uses his voice in various tones during conversation, so while Jason is like “oh my god, please stop talking in circles I have no idea what you’re saying”, it’s a lot easier for him to listen to Leo’s rambling monologues because he doesn’t speak in one or two tones

If it doesn’t interest him, the conversation can start to blur together as well because he struggles to focus on what’s being said. Fortunately, just because of how CJ and New Rome are structured, most topics at hand are things he likes (ancient Rome, gods, politics, etc). Unfortunately, Jason doesn’t really have strong human connections and his position as the golden boy of Camp Jupiter, champion of Juno, son of Jupiter, etc, etc, etc distances him from a lot of people so casual topics, like video games or TV shows, rarely get brought up to him in the first place

The onslaught of sensory issues makes it hard for him to focus. He’s taught himself how to filter things out, but it’s a constant practice to do and gets very tiring

Object impermanence – if he can’t see it, it doesn’t exist. Luckily for him, he doesn’t own a lot of things, but for things he has to keep tucked away in a drawer (like clothing), he slaps labels onto the container/drawer. Everything else, like the couple of misc trinkets he owns, he keeps out and obvious

One of things he does to help it avoid blending into the background is using sharp colour contrasts. So if its important – like medication or something, he might use a bright yellow basket on top of a black dresser or whatever because the yellow stands out so sharply it’s hard for the basket to blend into the background and so he remembers to take his meds.

Another thing is moving location. So he might move the basket from one side the dresser to the other and back again every so often

He’s pretty good at maintaining habits and routine (autism), but also if something happens that throws off the routine it takes months to get back on track and it is the worst thing ever, it is grueling and he hates it. Habits and routine are not innate, they are a constant active conscious choice he makes every day

Making plans can be difficult, even in battle or on quests when strategy is key. He can get tripped up on the small details and overlook the larger picture, or be so focused on the larger picture, he doesn’t see the small details. Because people have been so reliant on him for strategy, he’s more or less managed to get away with looking competent, but it’s always a competition with himself to remain on task, instead of narrowing into something that doesn’t matter

People will often comment on how fast he can get things done but its literally that he gets things done fast because sometimes he waits too long to do the thing (procrastination) and now he’s got like five seconds to the deadline, OR he has a burst of focus and gets that thing done as fast as he can before the executive function dips

He does get bored easily, so he'll flit between task to task, but it’s really that he needs stimulation, needs to be doing something, and if he’s not doing something, he’s losing his mind, and because he lacks a core sense of identity, he flits from task to task to find something that interests him (but there’s so little that does because he does not know who he is and he’s just mimicking people and it’s not the same)

Emotional dysregulation

He gets lost in his own head a lot. Part of it is just standard dissociation, but the other part is that his brain is always on, everything is firing at all cylinders, there is no quiet, it’s just noise and reminding himself of things he needs to get done on repeat, 24/7, loud as can be and he can't turn it off or lower the volume. His brain is full of bees and they won't stop buzzing

As a result, he probably has pretty bad insomnia

I think he has a lot of trouble getting stuff started. Body doubling encourages him to get started on stuff, and he’s never not been surrounded by at least one other person, so when he starts living alone in Cabin One after The Lost Hero, he is so confused that he can’t seem to force himself to pick up his shirt off the ground. And it just stays on the ground for days. Until he runs out of clean underwear and has no choice but to pick it up to get laundry started

He doesn’t own enough stuff to be fully disorganized, but if he does, he’ll have the most organized areas in his room ever, and then his closet is a mess because “well I don’t go in there a lot”

I think he tries to keep a spreadsheet/list of items he owns that he doesn’t use very often, but he still has doubles of a few things. Also so many batteries. He’s constantly like “I don’t think I have enough batteries” and then he buys the batteries and comes back, goes to update the list on the back of the door and it’ll be like “you have batteries. Stop buying batteries. There are too many batteries” and then he throws the batteries in the box that’s overflowing with batteries and forgets they exist again, but then, when he does need the batteries, it takes him so long to find the box

He would self-medicate on coffee if he didn’t hate the taste. He also doesn’t like soda. Or chocolate. So, you know, RIP to him. He’s rawdogging life. At least Leo can inhale caffeine like his life depends on it

He has the waiting mode problem, where if he has something scheduled at a certain time, it doesn’t matter how much time he has until that thing, he just. Waits. For the thing. Like he could get so much done in that time, but he can’t. Again, body doubling has helped, but living alone makes it so much harder

Reward systems don’t work with him. He doesn’t get the same sense of satisfaction that a neurotypical would after getting a reward after task completion. So when he absolutely needs to get something done but his brain is like “nah we gotta sit here and stare at this wall for seven hours while dissociating”, he just ends up screaming at himself a lot

Jason’s probably in a burnout so intense that if he took a minute to rest, his body and mind would shutdown for like three years.

He forces himself to get things done and screams at himself the entire time, and it hurts in a way he doesn’t understand but he has to do these things because there’s no other choice and people are relying on him.

Since he’s been groomed for leadership since day one, he’s never really had a chance to breathe that the other kids would get, so even when he finally has the chance to rest, it’s like his mind knows how unsafe that would be because shutting down completely would never be safe for him (trauma!!) so he just refuses to rest, which involves a lot of him getting lost in his own head or hyper-focusing on something (like spreading recognition of minor and forgotten gods) instead of. You know. Breathing

I think a lot of his issues with ADHD become more present after TLH when the quest is over and he’s alone. CHB has structure, but its not as narrow as Camp Jupiter’s routine and structure, and Jason lives alone, operates his own schedule, doesn’t really have other people to remind him of things, etc, etc, so the sudden shift makes him start to spiral a bit in his fears of incompetence.

It’s not that he’s incompetent, he’s very competent, but his problems were never as evident because other people had his back as he had theirs. He’s kind of like people w/ undiagnosed ADHD or autism who leave their support systems for university and suddenly school and life is the most difficult thing in the world, when before it was a lot easier

Timeblindness does affect him a lot, especially when he's doing something he enjoys. He wears a watch everywhere. And has a lot of backup watches

A lot of these probably overlap with autism but like, lol, I do primarily view him as autistic.

[autisticgirliesbracket]

What makes Asa Mitaka from Chainsaw Man the autistic girlie ever of all time? Here's what the people have to say:

Asa-related asks/reblogs: x This post will be updated after each round!

Image ID in alt text and under the readmore.

[Image ID. White slide with a manga panel of Asa in the top right corner, she has been edited to be wearing a blue cap with the words "Please be patient I have autism" printed on the front. She is surrounded by text boxes which read,

"Goes to the aquarium with a guy and infodumps about sea anemonies."

"I kin her unironically. Unbelievable social awkward. Goes to an aquarium date where she spends the entire time explaining facts about the Animals fully in an attempt to impress her date. She must be avenged from the ADHD vs Autism bracket. Is isolated from her peers. Chronically lonely but won't open up to anyone(not sure if that's an Autism thing or just a personal problem probably a combination of both) Have you read the Manga?"

"has a VERY hard time with social interaction"

"She is absolutely baffled by everything + doesn't get most things at first"

"there's an extended scene where she flirts with a boy by lecturing him about sea anemone life cycles, breeding patterns, and other extended trivia. the whole time she is thinking to herself "he must be falling in love with me right about now. this is an irresistible date." "

"Literally infodumps to the boy shes on a date with for like 3 straight pages and then goes "i'm so alluring. he definetely wants me now" "

"from the scene that was all over tumblr where she infodumps about starfish on an aquarium date and considers this her Ultimate Seduction Technique. a guy on reddit literally got diagnosed because he could relate to her. it's awesome"

"Tried to impress a guy on a date by monologuing starfish facts about him, was genuinely astonished that that didn't drive him wild with desire. Also she's sharing her body with a horsewoman of the apocalypse but that's unrelated."

"If her long-winded rant about sea creatures as an attempt to seduce someone wasn't enough, then a lot of her trauma is based around being ostracized for being weird and quiet. She doesn't understand people but wants companionship anyways, even if shes also afraid of it."

"She feels disconnected to her peers. She literally infodumps while on a date for thirty minutes about starfish. She doesn't see this as a social faux pas, but rather something any sane person would do. (Basically, doesn't realize this is abnormal.) She misses social cues frequently. She feels below average empathy, I'd say. Asa also said she wanted to die after embarrassing herself in public. That doesn't mean she's autistic or anything, but I'm autistic and I do it a lot. Also, I'm autistic and I relate to her, so she kind of has a peer reviewed diagnosis by me lol."

"Socially awkward and prone to info dumping."

"shes cringe fail and has no idea what shes doing ever i love her so much (shes just like me fr"

"I’m sure you’ve seen her failgirl cringe aquarium infordump that she’s sure will charm any boy (note: fails to charm the world’s loosest teenage boy.) She sucks at a lot of social stuff but also doesn’t get why and just thinks she’s wrong or cursed or smth. Likes animals over people. Doesn’t have a single friend until another loner who happens to be more extroverted basically adopts her as her friend."

"1) thought lecturing her date about sea creatures for like 30 minutes each would impress him and make him like her and was confused when he wasn’t into it (I would be into it tho it’s ok bby he just has adhd). 2) had the date planned out to the MINUTE and told the poor guy to shut up when he wanted to do something different. Literally a formula for how to have fun and she thought it was foolproof. 3) encyclopedic knowledge of sea creatures either points to a special interest and/or she just decided to research all that shit the night before for the date (she did say she went to the library in preparation), either way. tism I love her I’m rotating her in my brain" End ID.]

[zorosmalewife]

Chain Reaction Notes Chapter 15

Please remember that this is an unposted chapter! The sixth one, in fact. Missed the other notes? Find them here: 10 - 11 - 12 - 13 - 14.

Structure:

Theme of the chapter

List of scenes, each of which contain:

scene number as depicted in the outlines from my update posts on this tumblr - POV character - one line summary of the concept - (time left until they return to Sabaody) (how long Ace and Zoro have been together) - list of relevant variables, details, etc

Title of chapter

Theme: mutual understanding. finally understanding how the dynamic works and how to operate inside it. things becoming whole.

18 - ACE - charades w/ humandrills - (about 10.5 months left) (1 day before their 1 year anniversary) [all scenes in this chapter happen on the same day, so I won't repeat the counts!] - Ace 'loves Perona', 'she's basically his best friend' - he doesn't let her talk to him about it tho - Ace doomspiral about Zoro's eye - it's still Zoro's room despite them sharing it for months now - Ace's thoughts all over the place. overwhelmed + lost. swinging mostly b/t feeling bereft and fucking Angry

20.5 [scene was moved to here, hence nonconsecutive numbers] - ZORO - Zoro Autism Meltdown (tm) + Mihawk talking sense into him - first time Mihawk calls him 'Zoro' - Zoro's internal monologue calling Mihawk 'his father' w/o commentary - Mihawk: "I will not allow you to keep hurting one another. It's killing Perona."

19 - ACE - ostensibly a spar but they're just wrasslin' in earnest - Ace lashing out while lamenting the fact that he is the type to lash out - but Ace loves Zoro. despite everything, he doesn't want to give up - Ace finally gets thru to Zoro. Zoro tells him everything. <- Ace calls him 'baby' - Ace feels like he Gets Zoro now. FR this time. But... Ace still hasn't told him... - "Zoro deserves better, that much is obvious, but he's already chosen to be with Ace, and thus his mind won't be changed. All Ace can do is become a man worthy of this." - Zoro and Perona hug when they get back to the castle. He whispers to her. Perona says she loves him. Tells him to tap out next time - Zoro calls Ace 'babe' but it's mostly joking. Calls Perona 'P'. She shoots negative ghosts at them - Zoro's - their - room - Ace feels small and needy and cracked open. Needs to feel held and covered and safe - epic Zoro topping dot png - the ^ exemplifies the change in their relationship. the easy understanding, the reciprocity, the boundless + overt love. it's about trust w/o being shy abt it. - "Ace has never cried during sex before, but he's not humiliated, nor does he try to hide it." - Zoro calls him 'baby' in the heat of the moment - Ace says he loves Zoro + Zoro says "I know" and Ace is 100% okay with that

Title: reciprocity

[pomefioredove]

okay so like realistically…

i’m more socially introverted and burnt out so i will not externally look like i care about my grades at nrc but internally i will panic. i would scream if i had to get on a broom though, my fear of heights is bad ._. but i like drawing, so i will be that one kid in the corner of class who is drawing you and i would be a little scared for my safety in nrc. i would try to work at mostró lounge for money.

i think i might be able to attract jade if he and i are able to talk about mushrooms together. i only really like the pretty and poisonous ones though, but i mean, mushrooms amiright? but i WOULD NOT join his club. i hate hiking (shivers). floyd could find me interesting and i like him character wise. also chaos. also i tend to talk out loud to myself and act strange if i think no one is watching.

for that reason i think rook might find me interesting. but i really don’t need someone watching me have an epic monologue with myself and my other selves at 1am, really rook, i don’t. but i also have a similar kind of autism to rook so… i meannnn. let’s be friends. friends to lovers (hehe).

vil. as much as i love him i do not react well to criticism and i will avoid him. ortho, i hope i can vibe with him, but i will likely run away as well. idia is the school rumor who i will never meet.

ruggie, ruggieeeeee. let me learn your spending habits so i can survive on meager mostró lounge pay. please please please.

also the moment i see lilia is the moment i will attach myself onto him like a koala. he has cool dyed hair, he looks like a bat (i had a fixation on bats), and a playful personality: literally my type in irl men. i will cling to him and follow him like a sad wet cat. if he reciprocates with any kind of physical touch, i will die. i am not scared easily at all and i will barely react externally if he tries to scare me, but internally i will be kicking my feet. i will pine for him and write letters that i will never send but show to malleus because the strange front lawn garden man can do me no wrong. and when i realize that he’s very very old i will think about the ethics, but i will still crave him carnally.

the same will happen if i meet chenya. i’m sorry? you have beautiful hair, eyes, stylized clothes, and you’re also mischievous? pleasepleasepleasepleas-

it’s a matter of who i meet first and more. if i meet chenya first but only once i’m clinging to lilia. if i only really interact with both of them once, who can i daydream more about? but if others like me and, if i think of them favorably, i’ll end up liking them as well. i crave physical touch and give off heavy loser vibes.

first and only answer to mention che'nya... you get points for that! he has a really good design

lmao, I'm seeing a beautiful pattern here, you seem to attract chaos. leech twins, rook, lilia, che'nya? that would be an unhinged friend group

[roryfrommybabysittersavampire]

this is not a reputable article and I don't agree with what it's trying to say as a whole, but this specific part is so fucking stupid.

"the dsm is going to expand again when we've already diagnosed almost a half of the population !!! it's only been 70 short years since it started and no one knew about it and it already has 5x the diagnoses!?! blasphemy." my guy do you hear yourself

this next part is super long cause I just wanna rant about the dsm 🫶

to figure out Why so many people are diagnosed with mental illness now, you have to actually step back and ask yourself what a mentally healthy person looks like. someone who could not possibly need any accomodation or assistance to get through life and be content with it. it's not someone who overworks themselves for productivity's sake, it's not someone who can make it through a week as long as they're relying on legal substances, it's not someone who's constantly picking apart their appearance, it's not someone who's addicted to shopping or tv or working out, it's not someone who does things just for attention, it's not someone who needs to put down others or abuse their loved ones to feel good about themself. I could go on, but I think you get my point. sure some of these don't seem like enough to warrant a diagnosis on their own, but these symptoms deserve help just as much as someone who has a full set of symptoms that match an existing diagnosis. not everything in the DSM can be medicated. most mental illnesses are considered incurable. it's not a list of things that we can fix about people, it's a list of categorized traits and the struggles that we know come with them. it's goal is to identify common struggles so that we can work to find good solutions. and... drumroll please

it's about capitalism. the dsm is a list of traits that must be remedied so that a person can function well under capitalism. this is when I reveal that that article was fully just giving misinformation and the adult statistic was closer to 23% when this article was written in 2022, but 46% already sounded low to me. none of us are built to live under capitalism. I've seen so many reddit posts of teachers complaining that there are so many 504s now (usually >half of their class) and they can barely keep up, but if you're giving that many accomodations you need to stop looking at ways you can accommodate students and start looking at your classroom environment as a whole. just because a kid has a 504 doesn't mean they have to use it in every classroom. if they already feel comfortable and able to learn, they won't need to ask for anything to be changed, and if they do need something they won't need to use a legal document to ask fot it.

a diagnosis of a mental illness is just another external label that helps us communicate things about ourselves. in this case, most of what you need to communicate is "please give me some grace because I can not change these things about myself" and "please help me". if you ask me, we shouldn't need to invoke Mental Illness for these things to be listened to. that's not to say I have anything against diagnosis. it's great, it helps you find people like you and easily gives people an idea of your personal struggles without having to give them a monologue. getting an autism diagnosis was one of the best things that happened to me this year, but it comes with a new perspective. before my diagnosis I had the exact same symptoms. I needed the same help, but it was denied. now my school is jumping to accommodate me in ways that I've been begging for for 7 years. my family doesn't ridicule me from not being able to keep up with cleaning or hygiene on my own. Nothing Changed About Me.

all of this is to say, I think we're misunderstanding the diagnosis of mental illnesses. maybe we need a new "level", perhaps a DSM Lite, but the way I see it mental health issues are still dangerously underdiagnosed. think back to some 50s media that you know of. some stories from your family or whatever, history books. are they emotionally stable? was the population as a whole in the years when the dsm was still obscure "mentally healthy"?

turns out, no . <3

[turtlemagnum]

i definitely feel like in a fictional apocalypse scenario, trying to spare a known shithead (e.g. a raider) who shows no signs of wanting to reform isn't actually nonviolent, it's allowing greater violence to happen to others that you could've prevented; it's like a far less complex trolley problem where the 1 person you'd need to switch the tracks to put the other 5 people there on purpose. this leads to what i'd argue is one of the bigger problems with fist of the north star: ken's irresponsible passivity

from what i've seen, this was definitely far more of a problem earlier on (mostly before the final fight with shin). even later on as it has been, sometimes ken will do nothing when the villain's about to fucking murder somebody, and i get that from a narrative standpoint it's to sacrifice a no-name to make ken that much more righteous in his anger, but it feels kind of fucking obnoxious when our hero's just standing there doing jack shit.

i will say, though, this has absolutely gotten a lot better as the series has progressed. and i think this sorta coincides with ken becoming more... ruthless? is probably the best word for it, and i mean it in the best way possible. he still absolutely keeps that tenderness and kindness intact, and i think that's definitely a core part of his character (which is a good thing, imo), but it definitely feels like he has less reservations about going all out, y'know? it actually leads to some extremely funny moments, made all the better with ken's deadpan autism delivery (i laughed so fucking hard when he whacked the old man stuck to the Totally Not Goku's Power Pole into the dirt and said "could you please guide me without the commentary?", like the fact that he was so polite and straight-faced about bashing a man against the dirt makes it so much more funny to me)

i definitely feel like fist of the north star, as well as pretty much any other well written series with an absurdly overpowered protagonist, has to be treated a bit like a superman story. the thing that makes a good superman story interesting isn't if The Guy Himself is gonna get hurt, fucking of course not, he's goddamn superman; it's the people he has to protect you have to worry about. that's why the best thing to do with a protagonist with godly powers is to give them loved ones and honestly just a general appreciation for all life, y'know? it gives you stakes, and even if it's a no-name to you, the fact that any life getting snuffed out would affect the protagonist deeply is what makes you yourself care, at least if done right. but i think fist of the north star kinda moves a bit beyond this in a kind of beautiful way

when ken's fighting jagi, there's that moment when jagi's monologuing about how he went so far out of his way to fuck up ken's life personally, and ken just fucking loses it. and he gives his own little monologue as the blows land, he mentions all the people he didn't know that jagi hurt, he mentions how much yuria and shin hurt because of him, and he pauses for a moment. he pauses, clearly hesitant to say what comes next, but you just know he's about to say exactly what he did: that he's angry for how he himself has suffered because of the bullshit jagi pulled. and there's something deeply cathartic about a self-sacrificing paragon of a hero admitting that they've been hurt too, and that they're not just doing something for the sake of others for once in their life. he still fully keeps others in his heart and mind, but he finally lets himself matter as well, and i think that's beautiful

[remembertheliver]

My name is Jules. I am eighteen years old. In less than two weeks I will be starting college. I am a nonbinary lesbian. This blog is intended to be a sort of public diary. I feel I need to have a place to scream into the void.

I do go to therapy, but since my college is outside of my home state I won’t be able to do virtual sessions with my therapist. I take Zoloft. I have both in person friends and online friends. My in person friends know I am a lesbian but not that I am trans. My online friends know both of those facts.

I often experience impostor syndrome, whether it’s with my art or my writing or my transness. I struggle a lot with my identity and where I fit into communities. I suspect that I have autism or am neurodivergent in some way shape or form, but I am not diagnosed with anything along those lines. I don’t have many boundaries when it comes to my friends; I am open to hearing pretty much anything. It honestly doesn’t affect me much, aside from worrying for my friends when necessary. I enjoy being helpful and I enjoy being there for people.

I love strange and morbid things. I love queer media and stories. I am a big fan of horror, especially when that horror focuses on womanhood, femininity, etc. My favorite shows are Twin Peaks and Adventure Time, which could not be more different from each other. I like to make art, though I don’t study or practice technique all that much. I like theatre. I want to learn how to play as many instruments as possible. Banjo is high on my list. I love traveling and I want to see as much of the world as I possibly can.

I worry that I may be crazy sometimes. I am emotional, sometimes prone to anger. I am loyal to a fault. I am extremely rational but also extremely empathetic, which can work to my detriment. I am very independent. I used to think I would never fall in love. I have a few close friends. Sometimes I can’t decide whether to think with my head or with my heart.

This voice that I’m writing in doesn’t feel like my own. It feels very monotonous and matter-of-fact, when, in fact, my inner monologue is all over the place. I am full of so much emotion, so many thoughts and ideas. This voice is not the one I will write in normally. Please keep that in mind.

8/10/2024

[shymookohaiarts]

Ok so, this require SO MUCH context beyond just "These are vent drawings." so please bare with me but I will put a trigger warning right before the explanation. If you don't want to read it, the TLDR will be at the VERY bottom labeled TLDR, which will be indicated also by an image I posted at the bottom of a better look at one of the folks in the pic above.

TW: Trauma, self-harm, voices, hallucinations, dissociation, abusive relations, depression and anxiety

Since I was 13, I've always had a secondary voice that lingered amongst my own inner monologue. Being the creative I was, I pretended these voices were characters rather than a result of at-home trauma that I'd rather not delve into (mostly miscommunication, verbal arguments, and the occasional object thrown amongst my sister, dad, and me). When I got with my 2nd bf (1st bf was more of a fling but still), we'll call him Z, it went from the best Christmas ever to the worst summer in my entire existence as I was abused verbally, gaslit, and other shit. I was so mentally fucked that I did stupid shit to please him, but that shouldn't excuse me for lashing out and demanding answers/proof of things from either him or my other friends (Yes I got help and I still am getting help). Another note is despite being 18-19 and him being a year under (so 17-18), we were both EXTREMELY emotionally immature, so the private life between us was rather immature, to begin with. This part is important because, at the time, I only had one voice, Elizabeth. After he broke up with me over text, a second showed up: November. The scary part is he basically resembled a more lethargic and depressed version of my ex, encouraging me to sleep a lot and just, DO NOTHING. So skip a few months and I get with my current boyfriend of almost 3 years, Tyler/Munch. we're still together despite my autism being a pain sometimes but he still wants to help me and he still loves me, very supportive bf. In rather a quick succession, the details kinda leave me, both Davie (13-14-year-old male voice) and Holly (who sounded similar to Tyler at times) came into the picture in that order. Again, I can't remember how other than for Davie, it was because I was having a serious panic attack that resulted in massive disassociation. Around last year (2022), a few months after my birthday, I had a second paralysis episode (the first being on my birthday at night) where I was so depressed yet panicked that my body froze almost like sleep paralysis. This is when I met the final voice, who I drew below just before the TLDR if you read this.

After all this, I spoke up several times throughout this ordeal of events with my therapist and eventually got tested for a disassociation disorder. Spoiler, I had one. From the symptoms I spoke of, my therapist concluded I had OSDD, aka Other Specified Disassociative Disorder. These voices weren't voices: they were alters. Alters that developed due to the past bullshit I've dealt with. That's why they had separate names and personalities.

Mr. John, the Final Alter that put the damn nail in the coffin ^^

TLDR: Since I was thirteen up until the middle of April, I've had what I assumed were voices that came about from past traumas and it turns out I had Other Specified Disassociative Disorder or OSDD.

Is this a disruptive thing in my life? No, it's not. They've kinda co-existed now and are pretty helpful, save for Mr. John on occasion and his self-sabotaging tendencies. Ugh it feels good to air all that shit out. Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk.

[blood-orange-juice]

Dear gods, that book.

I'm still amazed by what an incredible piece of sci-fi it is while at the same time being rather poor literature (please understand that I'm saying it with love). I love it to pieces and yet I felt awkward recommending it to anyone even as a teen.

There's a beautiful alienness in it and it does a stunning job at deconstructing all things we think as compassionate and human. A lot of parts stay deep even when you are long past your teen years.

A scene that still haunts me is when the characters find a spaceship that runs on humans (what used to be humans) used as some kind of information processing units. Human characters get horrified of course, start shouting to turn it all off and give people a proper burial, at which the main character gets even more horrified and says that no, you can't turn it off. Maybe the ship is not a person in the way humans understand it, but it's still a living sentient being, that would be just one more pointless death.

She finds a way to communicate with the ship and it gets to be her friend.

And the concept of Aute... Radical otherness that can't be assimilated (once it is assimilated it stops being Aute) that is also their god.

I don't think it's an autism reference though... At some point I learned that Lacan had this exact concept in his psychological theories — the Other, L'Autre, radical otherness that sets rules and boundaries humans have to follow (and we deify things connected to it a lot, just in a way that is different from El-in). I assume the author knew of that, she is a psychologist after all.

(it's refreshing to find fantasy/sci-fi that isn't Jungian while being focused on psychology and myths)

The concept of vene, El-in trying to understand and assimilate that otherness through becoming it really fucked me up as a teen, I think. I decided to be that too, which didn't work out, of course, but gave me some spectacularly bizarre coping mechanisms.

Also I thought for so long that the main character was a bit of a Mary Sue and then I reread the book as an adult and realised that she wasn't. She's incredibly complex and has her limitations and flaws. A lot of them, in fact. What really ruins that story is her love interest, I think. He's responsible for the Mary Sue vibes.

At the same time I sort of get it. To get through all the situations the main character likes to put herself into she would have needed an army and it was hard to write a whole army into this story, so she got a Mary Sue dude instead (with a nuclear bomb under his bed. no, I'm serious). He does the job, I guess.

I also appreciate it as a book telling teen girls that fun things can still happen after marriage.

Also... I know they are not elves, but still... ✨Insect-like elves with a hive mind✨, just how cool is that.

Also their language! The way El-in communicate with others of their kind. It's not words (although they can use words too), it's sensory images. But not just snapshots of their mind, they are carefully constructed to show the most important thing about a situation, pretty much haikus about events and concepts. In other words, the kind of language that creatures with hivemind and telepathy would invent if they didn't have any real need for human language. It defines the character's inner monologue and might be the best part of that book.

(also the chapters when she gets home and gets to talk in those instead of human language and you understand how limiting previous conversations were for her)

Also Sergei and Jade! <3 Still one of my favorite fictional couples. Overcoming all sorts of psychological and biological conditioning through sheer devotion. Genetic tuning? Brainwashing? Societal rules? Elven mind control? Not even existing in human physical form anymore? Who cares really, they keep choosing the same things (and each other) regardless. They couldn't have done it simply for themselves but they can out of a higher obligation.

And then there was the fanfiction it created that ended up blending with the story for me, because the fans picked up all the worldbuilding and made it even wilder. The fandom did exist, it just was absolutely insane.

Just... asdfgh. I want to scream about it too.

Do you know that feeling when you remember your forever favorite book (my love to it doesn't say a thing about its quality, btw) and just want to talk about it with someone, but there are literally just a dozen people who read it in the last year (according to every site it still can be found on), and no fandom whatsoever (I don't think it ever existed), and it wasn't even translated into English!

I want to inflict my pure love of this story on someone, but there's literally nobody who knows about it! It's so unfair!