remembertheliver

[remembertheliver]

Hi,

Right now I'm trying to do my philosophy homework, but instead of paying attention to what I'm reading (about fine-tuning in the universe) all I can think of is having a beautiful girl hovering over me in my dorm bed. Basically I'm super horny but like, in a depressed way?

A friend who knows her in person sent a picture of her to me and like... it's not anything provocative or anything, it's just like. Wow. She's really hot. I haven't jacked off in a hot minute. I think I'm ovulating. Jesus christ.

I needed to put this here. To get it off my chest. I'm going to finish my homework and fantasize. I need to find a girl to at least help me get my rocks off. This shit is unbearable.

9/5/2024

[remembertheliver]

Hey,

I am angry. Among other things. It's too hot outside for where I'm living right now. It feels like it's 90 degrees. I went to school here for the cold weather, but right now the heat is almost unbearable. My history prof actually let us leave early because it was so hot in the classroom. Too many bodies. Too much hot air. Here's hoping that there's no Indian summer this year.

I've been at college for about a week. Classes started yesterday. It's honestly really strange. I'm not as sad about leaving home as I thought I would be. Not that I don't miss it, obviously, I miss it so so so badly. It's just... nice here. I like it. I haven't gone out drinking or anything yet but it'll happen eventually. I just did my laundry for the first time. It went surprisingly well. Nothing shrank. Go me!

Anyway, I am angry. Because I have been thinking of her a lot the past few days. I've learned some other things that I'm not at liberty to share. It isn't my business to air out. But I thought about it and was like, who do you think you are? Who the hell do you think you are? Breaking up with your girlfriend and then immediately starting some shit with me? And then once you found someone better you ended it with me and promptly began dating this guy? Who the fuck do you think you are?

I'm livid. Finally something felt right, and she sent it right down the shitter, and then kicked me while I was down. Not that I can force her to be in a relationship with me. That's wrong and shitty. It wasn't sustainable for either of us anyway. But I just feel so wronged. Fucking idiot.

I don't know where I was going with this. College is good and I like it. I'm just really bitter right now. I'll get over it.

8/27/2024

[remembertheliver]

Hi,

So currently it’s 11:27 PM. I’m in Ireland right now. Dublin. I go home tomorrow. I’m not gonna lie I’m actually super super excited to get home… I love it here but I miss my bed and my dogs and etc.

I’m so insanely lucky that I get to travel like this, like I can’t express how grateful I am. In terms of foreign countries so far I’ve been to France, Monaco, Costa Rica, Canada, and now Ireland. Technically I’ve been to the Bahamas but I was super young and don’t remember so I don’t count it. I do really want to go to Asia and Africa. I’m honestly happy going anywhere. I think you can find something valuable anywhere that you go and I truly think there is beauty in all parts of the world.

I’m experiencing heartbreak, or at least the tail end of it. I like(d?) my current (internet) best friend. I realized in like December 2022. It’s been over a year and a half. Anyway, she got a girlfriend in like May of last year and I kind of forced myself to get over her even though I wasn’t really over her. She ended up breaking up with her ex maybe a month ago now. I wanted to wait but my feelings were bothering me so much, and I was really drunk so I told her. We talked and screwed around for like three weeks until she eventually cut it off.

I understand why she did it. It’s not sustainable at all. She’s halfway across the country from me. I’m starting college, she’s starting her senior year of high school. She needs someone that’s there. I knew we wouldn’t be in a relationship, not now anyway.

I’m more bothered now because she’s started dating a guy. A man. It just feels like a knife to the gut, that she moved on from something so passionate so quickly, and that she moved on with a guy. You know? It’s like, I dunno. She keeps making these jokes about how straight she is. Like. Idiot! I know you aren’t straight! The jokes aren’t funny! It just all around sucks.

I still really love her. I don’t know if I will ever stop loving her. I feel kind of guilty because like, she has a lot going on. I’m not gonna elaborate on her personal life because it isn’t my business to share that in my corner of the internet. It’s really hard, really terrible shit that no one should ever have to experience, especially not as a teenager on the cusp of adulthood. It’s good that she has someone that she likes, and someone that likes her. I’m just really really torn up about the whole ordeal.

Part of me is like, well I’m not an idiot. High school relationships rarely last. This is probably temporary, sure. She and I are supposed to meet next summer. I have no intentions of getting into a longterm committed relationship during my freshman year of college. Maybe she’ll be single then. Anything can happen. If she can even come. I really hope she can come. Like, I don’t believe in god really, but I’m praying. Like really hard.

The angry part of me is like, well I’m too good for her! I’m sooo smart and strange and deep. Which like, I don’t think “too good” or “out of her league” is a good descriptor for anything. Part of me feels like, leagues ahead of other people my age just in terms of how I think about the world and my relationships and etc. And that she probably doesn’t necessarily view the world the same way, at least not yet. She’s not an idiot. She’s a lovely, wonderful, vibrant, talented person. I think she just needs some more time to grow. Not that I don’t need that either, but for my age and situation I feel pretty well adjusted.

I’ve been getting better about all of it. There was some crying on the kitchen floor when it happened initially, but I’m a lot better. It was so bad that I came out to my mom, because I wanted her to lean on. I wanted her to know that I was enduring my first ever heartbreak, that I didn’t ever think I’d experience feeling that way for someone (a topic for another time). She didn’t judge me. A week and a half later she gave me a hug when I told her that the girl I loved was dating a man.

Despite all the shitty feelings, I am so grateful. I will miss Ireland severely. I’ll miss Jameson and ginger too. My new drink of choice.

8/13/2024

[remembertheliver]

My name is Jules. I am eighteen years old. In less than two weeks I will be starting college. I am a nonbinary lesbian. This blog is intended to be a sort of public diary. I feel I need to have a place to scream into the void.

I do go to therapy, but since my college is outside of my home state I won’t be able to do virtual sessions with my therapist. I take Zoloft. I have both in person friends and online friends. My in person friends know I am a lesbian but not that I am trans. My online friends know both of those facts.

I often experience impostor syndrome, whether it’s with my art or my writing or my transness. I struggle a lot with my identity and where I fit into communities. I suspect that I have autism or am neurodivergent in some way shape or form, but I am not diagnosed with anything along those lines. I don’t have many boundaries when it comes to my friends; I am open to hearing pretty much anything. It honestly doesn’t affect me much, aside from worrying for my friends when necessary. I enjoy being helpful and I enjoy being there for people.

I love strange and morbid things. I love queer media and stories. I am a big fan of horror, especially when that horror focuses on womanhood, femininity, etc. My favorite shows are Twin Peaks and Adventure Time, which could not be more different from each other. I like to make art, though I don’t study or practice technique all that much. I like theatre. I want to learn how to play as many instruments as possible. Banjo is high on my list. I love traveling and I want to see as much of the world as I possibly can.

I worry that I may be crazy sometimes. I am emotional, sometimes prone to anger. I am loyal to a fault. I am extremely rational but also extremely empathetic, which can work to my detriment. I am very independent. I used to think I would never fall in love. I have a few close friends. Sometimes I can’t decide whether to think with my head or with my heart.

This voice that I’m writing in doesn’t feel like my own. It feels very monotonous and matter-of-fact, when, in fact, my inner monologue is all over the place. I am full of so much emotion, so many thoughts and ideas. This voice is not the one I will write in normally. Please keep that in mind.

8/10/2024