#Okay apparently I need to work on my tagging skills lmao

[motleyfam]

I posted 2,267 times in 2022

36 posts created (2%)

2,231 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@desperatecheesecubes

@mooitstimdrake

@batshit-birds

@sohotthateveryonedied

@sun-moon-stars-jedi

I tagged 454 of my posts in 2022

#the batman - 25 posts

#fave - 18 posts

#batfam - 9 posts

#atla - 9 posts

#bruce wayne - 8 posts

#dick grayson - 7 posts

#damian wayne - 6 posts

#this sparks joy - 6 posts

#amen - 6 posts

#tim drake - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 137 characters

#thinking of that ‘superman wrecking a whole ass train to save a child on the tracks who he could have just swooped away from danger’ post

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

hey! so its 4am and ive just finished my, um... fifth(?) reread of world's saddest breakfast club and like! aaahhhh!!!

do u got abything to tell us abt this story? like sbt the writing proccess or things u thought that did not make it in or hc or anything really. i dont have a question exactly, just wanted to hear you talk about it. im a bit. well. obssesed.

Oooh cool question! I definitely do!

World's Saddest Breakfast Club: Fun Facts

The opening line is a result of me angsting to @batmoniker about how I couldn't figure out how to start my fic, and her jokingly being like "I got you, bro. Ready? 'It was a dark and stormy night'" and then me just being stubborn and committing to the bit.

The story started with a vague idea of "everyone in the kitchen at 3am for different reasons and Jason channeling his inner short order cook." All I knew going in was the order I wanted people to appear, what was wrong with them (sick, hurt, insomnia, etc) and what food Jason would be making for them. Everything else I made up as I went.

If I could go back and change one thing about this fic, I'd reduce how long Jason was kidnapped to like, 6-8 days, max. 16 days seemed funny when I wrote it, but in hindsight, I feel like he'd be a little more fucked up in the story if he were really escaping from that many days of captivity lmao

I headcanon Dick as the kind of person who straight-up forgets to eat when he's preoccupied, and Jason as the kind of person who cannot FATHOM this concept. Jason absolutely will miss a meal if the situation calls for it, don't get me wrong, but he's aware the entire time he's doing it and it makes him super antsy. (This once turned into A Thing™ when Jason was like, 13 years old and staying with Dick for the weekend for some brotherly bonding and Dick forgot about lunch and by 5pm, Jason maybe sorta kinda had a minor panic attack about it. Dick was a lot more mindful of that moving forward)

Bruce's favorite food being lobster thermidor is a reference to the Lego Batman movie

I wrote this whole fic with Julia Child's recipe pulled up in one tab and my google doc in the other

At some point I realized that since I started with fresh lobsters, I was going to have to write Jason killing them, and it derailed me so hard that the fic nearly became about meatloaf instead. (Never mind the fact that Jason canonically kills human beings — that's totally fine. I just draw the line at him killing lobsters 😰)

(in the end I just kinda glossed over it and made sure they were already cooked before Damian appeared so I wouldn't have to address it 😬)

Dick's reoccurring shoulder injury is a reference to the DCAU where I swear that man has dislocated his shoulder/injured his arm at least 4x

The line about Tim being allergic/throwing up when he eats eggs was inspired by a line in chap 11 of @goldkirk's fic Hymn, which I've reread about 37x

Jason is correct— grits are fucking delicious and definitely not baby food.

My favorite line is "Okay there’s self-sacrificial bullshit, and then there’s whatever the fresh hell that is."

The idea for Cass being a big meat-eater comes from a comic panel where Steph offers her a plate of rice and beans and Cass says needs meat and starts mischievously eying Steph's hamster. Can't find the panel to save my life, but I promise it's out there.

EDIT: finally found it!

Steph's nickname of "Zombie Boy" for Jason is borrowed from @audreycritter's Cor Et Cerebrum series (which is a fucking masterpiece, btw)

This fic was gonna be called "Creatures of the Night" until batmoniker said Steph's line made for a better title

Several people have asked me whether Jason was really cooking Bruce's lobster to spite him, or if he was actually intending to make it for him all along. The answer is... both? Like Jason's kind of an unreliable narrator in that he's trying to convince himself that he's just doing what he's doing to be a little shithead when deep down it's all stemming from his need to take care of his family, you know? Like he'll never admit it, but that's where his heart is at.

To everyone who's asked for a part 2 where the family finds out Jason was kidnapped, I'm gonna be honest: the main reason I don't think I'm ever going to write that scene is because I can't come up with a good enough joke for him to make to accidentally out himself ☠️

90 notes - Posted September 18, 2022

#4

Imagine Bruce starting therapy and learning about all these cool new tricks and gadgets that can help with emotional regulation and getting super invested (because I mean, c’mon, the dude’s like the king of gadget hoarding, he’s got a utility belt for goodness sake)

Then imagine the learning curve of him realizing that just because something works great for one of his kids, doesn’t mean it works for all of them, as illustrated by this memorable incident:

Jason gets really upset and starts having a minor panic attack about something

Bruce, proud owner of 14 new weighted blankets (in various styles, weights, and sizes), tries to wrap his adult son up in one to ground him

After all, Bruce himself finds them super comforting because it’s basically a socially acceptable alternative to wearing a massive Kevlar cape 24/7 like he’d do if he could

(Tim loves them too, so like, kid tested, parent approved™️)

Ends up totally backfiring when the added weight & restricted movement sends Jason into a full-blown flashback of digging out of his own grave, taking this panic attack from like a 4 to a 10

Whoops

130 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

#3

Sometimes I get really hung up on trying to make all the logistics and time frame work out in my fanfics

Then I see how the professionals handle this dilemma:

211 notes - Posted March 12, 2022

#2

I have a headcanon that Dick doesn’t actually like cereal nearly as much as he pretends to.

He just knew that Bruce felt bad about his own cooking ineptitude in the early days after taking his new ward in, so whenever Alfred had the night off, the 9-year-old insisted cereal was his ‘favorite food on the planet’ because it was something that Bruce could actually handle preparing for him without setting off the smoke alarms and it made him happy to do it

372 notes - Posted April 9, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Tim hardly ever wears seatbelts.

It’s not a conscious choice at this point really, he just never got into the habit. When he outgrew his last car seat at age five, his parents didn’t bother getting him a booster and just let him sit in the normal seat, so the belt always felt like it was cutting into his neck and he hated it. He put up a big fuss about it once on the way to some important event, and his parents just huffed, “Fine, don’t wear it then. Fly out the window for all I care” and that was that. They never forced him again.

He just so rarely has to wear one that it slips his mind. Buses don’t have seatbelts. Motorcycles don’t have seatbelts. The Batmobile has them, but they’re rarely used due to the necessity for split-second drop ins and getaways.

It’s not until he’s 17 and driving with Jason somewhere that he finally gets called out on it. Not only called out, but told in a no nonsense sort of way “This car ain’t moving till I hear a fucking click. What, did they stop showing ‘Red Asphalt’ in drivers ed while I was dead??”

(They do still show it. Tim just slept through that class)

557 notes - Posted November 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[idleglowingpixels]

talk about Collector

WHYYYYYYYYYY okay now that I got that off my chest let's get serious LMAO

Before I dive in too deep, to any other ppl reading, THIS IS YOUR FAIR WARNING IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ ANY CRITICISM OF TOH. Something that is really apparent in this fandom particularly is that a lot of ppl refuse to allow and accept genuine criticism discussions, dumbing it down to personal biases, misinterpretations of the text (or in this case, the show), and proclaiming "It's intentional that the show did that!" every time someone breathes something negative about it. This is ESPECIALLY annoying with the "Blame Disney/the shortening" nonsense -- a key skill in television writing is to be capable of working with the allotted time that the studios give you. After they were told Season 3 got cut short, they still had 11 22-minute episodes of Season 2 and all three 40+ minute episodes of Season 3 to conclude the story in a satisfying way.

Seeking and reading criticism posts outside of the general tags, ignoring warnings on posts that give forewarnings, then getting mad and upset that someone criticized your comfort show is generally an unhealthy behavior, especially if you're not in a good mental state. If you can't take people criticizing something you enjoy, and more-so if you deem it your comfort media, and feel the need to bother them because you made yourself upset reading their posts, you've got a lot of soul searching to do. That, or maybe you should log off until you can handle it.

Also, obviously, spoilers ahead for TOH, as well as Amphibia because these shows parallel a lot more than I want them to. :')

---

I have a LOT to say about The Owl House from a critical and writing perspective, and I feel like the show is EXTREMELY overhyped for what it actually is. I feel its sister show Amphibia executed much of the same/similar themes better, and that's not even a bias thing. Just from the way both shows are written, you can tell which one feels more competently structured from a narrative standpoint (and, let's be honest, which one is actually funny).

Okay enough about general opinion, let's get to Collector. From a character design perspective, GOD I love this little guy, both the reflection/shadow form and the actual form are distinct from the rest of the cast. I'm a big Sun and Moon design/symbolism enjoyer (Sun and Moon from FNAF, Sun and Blake from RWBY, Celestia and Luna from MLP:FiM, etc.) so these types of characters are always welcome. And while their voice annoys me personally it ABSOLUTELY fits them, so no matter how annoying I find it I don't think I'd want them to have any other voice.

But that, unfortunately, is the only props I can give to Collector.

The show is FULL of redeemed antagonists that range from okay (I'd like to think Amity was decent enough and Hunter was alright but definitely should have been introduced earlier so his redemption was a slow burn but this post isn't about them so I'll end this note here) to "what the actual fuck" (Idc what anyone says, there is no excuses PERIOD, Lilith's redemption was the absolute worst redemption arc I think I've ever seen AND I'VE SEEN CATRA'S), and Collector is very much on the lower end of that scale. We hardly see them overall and their character writing is rushed beyond belief -- and again, I'd like to reiterate that that is ENTIRELY on the writing team for the show. Disney and the shortening DID NOT DECIDE TO KEEP COLLECTOR IN. The writing staff were aware of the time they had left and made the decision to shoehorn them in and expect everyone to just be okay with it.

From a writing perspective, they bloat the story exponentially and 100% should have been left in the drafts or saved for future content like what Dana said she might do if she is able to through books and such. If we only get hints of the other Collectors, this one should have STAYED hints with them.

We have essentially no significant amount of time with them outside of Hollow Mind and the season 2 finale before season 3, and what we DO have of them in season 2B is so drastically different I'd consider 2B Collector and 3 Collector as two different characters entirely. And before you tell me, "They're different because sun/moon symbolism!" "They're different because Belos and King influence them differently!" etc. etc., don't waste your time. Yes, those are good explanations as to why they feel so different between seasons, but that does not make the writing of the character inherently good. Allow me to elaborate:

In S2B, of what little we see of Collector, they are extremely sadistic in nature, and while they appear childish the writing of that lack of care for others is ABUNDANTLY CLEAR. And it seemed that way even as Belos first encountered him as Philip in the flashback episode. There, they weren't yet "influenced" by Belos and his plans; hell, he hardly had an actual plan yet.

Skip ahead to Hollow Mind, easily the best episode of Season 2 imo, and Collector is taunting Belos, mocking him and his schemes. Saying things like "Ooh, you were mad!" and "I'm starting to think you make those [grimwalkers] just to destroy them. You have fun with it, admit it!"

I cannot find any reasonable explanation as to how or why Belos would influence Collector into doing such things. Why would he want a little pain in the ass making fun of him for hundreds of years? And by his response to Collector's taunt about the grimwalkers and Hunter, "Of course I don't, Collector. It hurts every time he chooses to betray me," he took offense to their words, but kept his tone from shifting to anger as he does with everyone else because of Collector's power.

Belos doesn't want Collector thinking he doesn't like them because of their abilities, but he does want to stay on their good side for information. For knowledge of spells. And he puts up with Collector's annoyances because of that.

Essentially, that wasn't something Belos taught them or influenced them to do. All Collector knows is to adapt to their friends' behaviors, yes, but Belos is like, over 400 years old. I don't know about you, but I doubt with the way he speaks and how he's written that he would taunt his underlings in the same childish vain as Collector, and do so enough for Collector to pick up and mimic that behavior.

Now to the finale, their appearance is pretty much just them getting duped by Belos and sent into the depths of the titan skull, where King ever-so-conveniently finds them, making the pinky swear that releases them.

They maintain that mocking attitude even after Belos betrays them, calling King "boring" for calling them Mr. Collector and feeling generally disinterested by King before he promises a game to play. And even after they're released, they continue the attitude further with the whole "I remember someone throwing me off a bridge...I'm not angry, though!" bit, only to send Belos to his "death" moments after, deeming it as a game of tag. They've seen Belos kill grimwalkers first hand, fully aware that their lives mean nothing, and replicated the behavior by returning the favor to Belos (or so they thought). Their lack of care continues when they nearly try to do the same thing to the Hexsquad, people who didn't even do anything to them, before King stops them, changing the subject before they can cause further harm.

After stopping the draining spell, Collector continues the destructive maliciousness they have all the way to the end of the episode, and that's the impression of them we're left with. They were sadistic, uncaring and childish, but only learned the behavior of killing from Belos -- even though Belos didn't actually die, the intent was to kill him, and they were fully planning to continue with the Hexsquad.

And then...We get to Season 3.

Just a side-note, I think it's a safe assumption to say the first 2 seasons of The Owl House took place between roughly 2 months, as Luz was outside waiting to leave for a summer camp after the school year ended before initially arriving in the demon realm. Going off of that assumption, in Part 1 Luz returned to school as she returned to the human realm, presumably in late August/early September due to her living in Connecticut. And since Part 1 takes place in the timespan of about 3-7 days, the last day being Halloween, the timeskip only brought us about 2 more months ahead. Keep this in mind.

After Luz and co. return to the demon realm in Part 2 -- objectively the worst episode of the season -- we already see King's influence on Collector since they turned everyone into puppets instead of actively injuring or killing them when they don't comply. Still bad? Yes. But from how it looks in Part 3 with the Hexsquad, it seems more like the puppets' consciences are just comatose or an alternative to sleeping, maybe in a REM-like state. But of course, the show didn't have enough time to explain that further over all the nonsense in Part 2.

Anyway, when we see Collector in Part 2, they're still being childish, which is unfortunately the only thing that stays consistent with this character. They then say two lines that were the most god-awful writing decisions I've seen in a hot minute, and this show is STOCK FULL of really bad "this is peak humor LAUGH" moments like this.

They say that Eda has this "cool aunt vibe" and such, which sounds like one of those "character dynamics/tropes" posts on social media like Tumblr and whatnot. It comes off as really pretentious in the writing, and was shockingly unfunny to hear for a show that calls itself a comedy. Another line that frustrates me, more-so for lore reasons, is when they ask Odalia to make pizza bagels, when it was previously stated that human food is inaccessible to Luz during her time in the demon realm. So not only is it contradicting that whole thing (Eda actively struggled to find food for Luz that she could eat), how would they or King even know what one is or how to actually make one??

It seems like a small point to get heated over, but it once again feels like one of those stupid one-liners that one of the writers thought was the funniest shit they've ever thought up and kept it in because they knew die-hard fans would just laugh it off and brush it off as a joke, and that the writers forgetting about Eda's maternal struggle to feed her adopted kid is Disney's/the shortening's fault because they're at fault for everything wrong with the show...and not the ppl who wrote it.

Regardless, this whole shtick is extremely out-of-character for the way they had spoken in Season 2, and from what I can recall (I'm not gonna rewatch the entire show for the sake of a single post), King never talks like this. Luz does around him, but he himself doesn't talk like this.

I've discussed with friends before about this, including Robin (the one who asked me to talk about this), but from Part 2 onward Collector gets the same Luz-like writing every character that gets redeemed suddenly dawns out of the blue. I started calling it luz-ification, but it doesn't just happen to Collector.

It happened to Hunter, where his more cocky and ego-centric dialogues from early 2A was dropped for a more "comedic" personality and an anxiety-ridden character, though it's later eluded to that his cocky attitude was him masking his true self, so I try to keep it to that perspective.

But this happened to Lilith as well, where she suddenly started acting like "Cool Aunt Lilith" IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING HER ADMITTING TO CURSING EDA AND ALLOWING HER CAPTURE. WITH NO CONSEQUENCES TO BE FACED OTHER THAN THE CURSE SPLIT WHICH IS HARDLY UTILIZED IN THE SHOW.

(Side-tangent: Characters facing little to no consequences for their actions is something that goes on so much in this show but this is long enough already and I really don't like talking about this shit for long 'cause I could be using my time on better pieces of media, I'm sure there's plenty of posts explaining this point elsewhere by ppl who enjoyed TOH more than me)

Hell, it even happened to Amity for a hot minute. For some moments in the show she's written really off-character and saying things that just completely contradict how she's typically written, but then goes back to the more sassy and balanced character later on.

This post has gotten WAY longer than I wanted it to be, but to keep me from spending even more time on this, Part 2 shows a drastically different Collector, to the point that they do not by any means have the same character writing as they had before. They got luz-ified. Using social media lingo they couldn't even have access to in canon, and being written to quite literally just sound like a mini-me of Luz with the more obnoxious undertones of the childish thing.

Point is, they mimic these behaviors of Luz that they wouldn't even have reasonable access to learning from, because she's in the human realm for almost all the time after their release. It only makes sense in Part 3, when Luz is actually there for them to see her behaviors in action, but even that is so contrived and rushed that it feels unrealistic and narratively unnecessary. Remember what I said before about the timeskip only being 2 months? Yeah, 2 months isn't nearly enough time for a character to fundamentally change who they are as drastically as Collector.

Now to the part where I talk about Amphibia really quick and mention how it did the whole "having an alternative threat acting as a mini-boss" thing a million times better than this shit ever could. King Andrias, paralleling Collector for this particular scenario, is shown relatively early on that he's an antagonist to the audience. It's later revealed as a plot twist not to the audience, but to the characters, who least expected it. They don't waste time trying to throw off the audience with red herrings or telling its audience "He's not a bad guy, he's totally not going to be evil later on." They just show the audience he's evil and keep the story moving.

He's given enough time to feel like this ominous, looming threat, and True Colors masterfully showed how messed up this guy is and the lengths he is willing to go to ascend to the Core and cheat death, just as the souls within the Core had. His motive to avoid death and return Amphibia to the world-conquering ideologies from centuries' past is what made him such a love-to-hate villain. And the motive to cheat death in a children's cartoon? Metal as hell. The Core also parallels Belos here, and further on in Season 3, being the one manipulating Andrias through his fear of death in order to make him do what they want him to.

In the third season, Andrias continues his work by the Core's demands, only giving up in the final battle when he's read a letter from someone he had considered a friend long ago, which admittedly didn't have much set-up but it was at least the focus of an entire episode prior to the big pre-finale.

At the end of the series, he's shown to have moved on, allowing himself to age naturally and to stop using technology to keep him in pristine condition for eternity. He accepted the natural cycle of life, and in turn accepted that he will come to pass one day. He wasn't a perfectly written character, but considering what it's being compared to? Leagues better.

Like I said before, TL;DR, Collector is the bloatware of The Owl House's plot. They were shoved in as a last minute addition because they were the writers' "precious bean silly goose little gremlin blorbo" that they couldn't just keep in the drafts with the rest of the collectors. So instead of maintaining what little integrity the show's writing had to begin with and follow through to the end with the Day of Unity plotline being the series finale (Which was VERY OBVIOUSLY WHAT THEY WERE GOING FOR), they essentially made a side quest distraction that dragged the story on for longer than it needed to, wasting the audience's time.

I'm not mad that the Collector exists, I just find that their inclusion in the series did more harm than good for the writing. The show has a serious issue with giving screentime to unnecessary characters like the miscellaneous Hexside students, giving characters too much screentime (The biggest offender for this is Amity, there's more episodes centered around her than Hunter, Willow and Gus combined) and not giving ACTUALLY necessary characters enough screentime (Looking at you, Emerald Trio).

I really want to rewrite TOH, and if I feel the need to rewrite a show, it's usually because there's too much fundamentally wrong with it for me to give it anything higher than a 6/10 overall. But I've already got a whole AU and a whole rewrite in the works for two other series I care wayyyyy more about, so that's gonna have to be left to other writers in this fandom.

---

If this post is how you've stumbled upon my page, hi :') Feel free to ask me about more or to elaborate on smth I said here if you want clarification, but if you check out my intro post and see another mutual interest we have maybe ask me about that instead of TOH please and thank you

[ljbrary]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @anxiety-banana HEY AB ILY I'M SORRY I KNOW YOU TAGGED ME IN THIS A MONTH AGO SO THIS IS SO LATE BUT STILL

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

101,550

3. What fandoms do you write for?

right now ive been writing for the last of us but most of my fics are star wars (specifically most of them are the clone wars) and i have one six of crows fic

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

all of them are star wars fics

lean on me (but let me laugh, first)

don't fix it if it's not broken (but broken's only a point of view)

fill the hollow space with silence (and other words of comfort that aren't so comforting)

it's a process (you wouldn't understand)

it's not good grief (but it's better)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i think i get to most of them and i seriously try my best to but like i struggle with replying to even my texts irl and i have no concept of time at all (the adhd is adhd-ing unfortunately) but every single one literally makes my life

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i think either the love only lasts so long (the grief lasts longer, the guilt never leaves) or this silence hurts worse than the truth (if only you would tell it) which are quite literally the same exact situation just from different povs because i have never had an original thought in my life. it's post-mortis arc in the clone wars with anakin and ahsoka and the transparently trauma-shaped elephant in the room between them.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i honestly have no idea? so im just going to say my tlou fic statistically significant because although its bittersweet it ends with joel and ellie together and thats literally all i need to be happy at this point in my life.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, but i probably should.

(that was a joke. but like if i did its fine bc i have 3 brothers who've already found my ao3 and bullied me for it so the hater would prob need to get real creative after all that lmao.)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

no

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no i dont have the executive functioning skills necessary to plan one of those out but they sound interesting.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

guys my fics aren't that good. if someone stole it they'd just return it no worries.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no i haven't but that would be sick.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

like ab said in her post, ab, ash, and i tried but it just never came to fruition but it was a fun attempt

also my older brother and i when we were younger tried to write a percy jackson fic together.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

i like found family more than romantic stuff, but if i have to choose definitely percabeth because they are the reason i have unrealistic expectations in life.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ALL OF THEM IM SO BAD AT FINISHING THEM

16. What are your writing strengths?

thats so funny lmfao

okay but self deprecation aside idk maybe like imagery or metaphors sometimes? also apparently writing emotion ig? my english teacher in high school told me i was good at the psychological aspect of understanding a character and their actions/emotions but i don't know man

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

for starters, starting. im supremely bad at starting things. i always struggle with intros/the beginning of writing pieces. and i struggle with plotting/planning things. i also am incapable of writing genuine dialogue, every conversation i write sounds so disjointed and awkward. i also tend to focus too much on the introspective aspect of characters and forget about that irrelevant little thing called a "plot."

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i made up my own language for a few star wars fics and it was so atrocious that i can't even bring myself to reread them again so i think i'll be staying away from that one for a little while.

however if i was smart or savvy enough to pull it off i would totally do it that would be sick.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson when i was 10 years old on wattpad. my older brother and i co-wrote the fic and then i made my friend at school edit it on the computers in the library. still have yet to live that one down.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

weighted words hurt more than loaded fists (if you know how to use them) i have a soft spot for it even though it's one of my least popular fics in terms of like hits and kudos. its just a found family (shocker, i know) modern/foster care au with rex and ahsoka. i like the imagery, metaphors, and just the vibes overall.

okay leaving this open to anyone who wants to do it!!

[antimonyandthyme]

Okay um👉👈 ive been thinking about tenet au. a lot. And apparently since tian vette's time travel fic sebchal time travel in my head == rbr seb?? So i was SORTA thinking charles seeing seb for the first time again, and its this bright-eyed prodigy that looks even younger than he is, a cheeky little bastard that is somehow still painfully endearing, or maybe its just charles's memories talking, and charles thinks: oh. is this how you felt when you saw me that first time in the library? You looked so sure then, how do i look sure now, with you? You didn't have the time to teach me that.

And how he doesn't know how this ends but he know that it does, because of course what's happened happened and they don't talk about it, but you can't share one skin every night and not hear the endless i lost you i lost you i lost you welcome back beating in another's heart

And how when he was younger he was so furious with seb for keeping his distance, for pushing him away for so long, and still on a bad day desperation and longing and tenderness pressed down so tightly its edges turn sharp make him curl his hands into fists, seb-shaped wound in his chest aching with why why why you knew we didnt have much time as is why did you have to but he gets it, now. Because stronger than the urge to grab this sunshine personified, still a little bit lanky where his seb was softer, shamelessly honest where his seb learned to tease and needle, grab him and hold him and breathe him in with his whole chest--stronger is only the terror of losing him again

So he teeters on the edge of too close-not close enough until seb has enough of this and walks him backwards into the wall of his hotel room somewhere in greece, all hot mouth and fiery eyes, surprising amount of skill, even more of sheer eagerness, and every touch throbs in charles' entire body so forcefully it's only later, with his forehead pressed to seb's back which looks broader when you get him out of those god-awful clothes, that he thinks: ah. so this is how you knew what i liked, you bastard

How when charles cant hide his knowledge of the temporal war from him anymore, when it's simply too dangerous to, the look of betrayal on his face hurts infinitely worse than he's ever imagined

How he lies awake at night before the operation, fiddling with his blue team tag, and flips through all the memories of all the mornings they've had, hoarded in his head because there is no safer way to store them, all those images of seb, yawning or laughing or flinging a pillow at him, sunlight playing on his golden lashes, and waits for dawn to add a new one to the collection. How he refuses to wander if its the last one he'll ever have.

How this was supposed to be a long goodbye, and how it feels barely long enough to take a breath.

How he leaves the tag be and slots his body against seb's unfamiliarly familiar sleeping frame, nosing at the soft line of his shoulder so that he can kiss him for just that little bit longer, his heart thumping, i lost you i lost you i lost you. welcome back.

lmao sorry im completely knackered is this anything

anon. knackered tenet anon. i'm. is this anything are you kidding me i'm. w h a t. i'm about to. what??? i'm about to hop off something. this. is the best thing ever? oh my god. oh my god.

i didn't even think about charles coming back to a much younger seb. like brilliant agent seb who's feisty and a genius and so eager to do the work and charles being older and who understands the mission and what he needs to do and oh. you! did! not! have! time! to teach me to be sure! oh. this is why seb tried to keep his distance. this is why his seb (his!) looked at him with grief locked behind his tongue. this is why seb held himself back like touching charles would destroy him.

because it would. how is he supposed to be able to survive having seb again and losing him once more? he wouldn't survive. he wouldn't. (he wouldn't need to.)

So he teeters on the edge of too close-not close enough until seb has enough of this and walks him backwards into the wall of his hotel room somewhere in greece, all hot mouth and fiery eyes, surprising amount of skill, even more of sheer eagerness, and every touch throbs in charles' entire body so forcefully it's only later, with his forehead pressed to seb's back which looks broader when you get him out of those god-awful clothes, that he thinks: ah. so this is how you knew what i liked, you bastard

knackered tenet anon i can't even speak. this is how you knew what i liked, you bastard. thought with so much resignation and so much fondness. he's thinking of his own seb from his own time. the older seb who had to deal with a younger, un-tempered charles. a stubborn charles. a charles who wouldn't take no for an answer. such that his seb finally gave in, as charles pressed his lips fiercely against his. how his seb handled him reverently as if charles were the most precious thing in the world.

they're a bunch of broken mirror shards endlessly reflecting the cycle.

how charles knows every moment with this younger seb is meant to prepare him for a goodbye. and yet he finds himself lingering under the covers, wrapped around seb's back. how he strokes the hairs at the back of seb's nape as the sunlight filters in. how he laughs as seb yawns sleepily and nestles back against him.

oh my god. how am i supposed to get on my with day? how am i supposed to continue? knackered tenet anon i hope you're happy with yourself you've destroyed me with the most amazing concept i'm charging you with emotional damages the length of a novel i’m about to

i'm about to!!!

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 314: ...Or You Live Long Enough to See Yourself Become the Villain

Previously on BnHA: Some random assholes were all “let’s throw exploding spears at All Might and see if it activates his Conqueror’s Haki” and SURPRISE, MOTHERFUCKERS, IT DID!! Elsewhere, Lady Nagant confusingly tried to capture Deku alive by shooting him in the stomach, but to be fair I guess that’s what happens when you send an assassin to do a bounty hunter’s job, so yeah. Deku was all “ouch”, and then because this is a shounen he basically just straight up forgot about it, and did a big fancy Smokescreen thing, and then activated his mildly incomprehensible new ki-blasting quirk which he got from the Third. En and the Third were all “hey Deku maybe let’s not just impulsively activate all this shit in the heat of battle when you don’t know how to use it yet and you’re already injured,” and Deku was all “thanks for the quirks guys but I’ll take it from here” and snuck up on Nagant and grabbed her arm and so now what’s going to happen I wonder.

Today on BnHA: Nagant is all “[shoots Deku again]” because of course she is lol. Deku is all “tell me about AFO!” and Nagant is all “why would I tell you anything?” and then proceeds to tell him her entire life story which is FILLED WITH SO MUCH MURDER, YOU GUYS. Holy shit. So basically she was an assassin for the HPSC, which we already knew, but somehow it’s one thing to know that, and another to actually see her running around capping dudes in the forehead and being covered in more blood than the elevator from The Shining. Anyway, so you’ll never believe it, but all that murder had a negative impact on her psychologically, and eventually led her to question everything she believed about hero society, and so she killed her creepy boss and was promptly sent to Tartarus. This extremely fun chapter ends with Overhaul showing up all “HI, HELLO, I’M STILL HERE”, because for some reason he is still here. Why are you still here, Overhaul.

“the beautiful Lady Nagant” oh you know your audience don’t you Horikoshi

well all right then! so I’m guessing this means that she is not, in fact, going to roll over and die just because Deku’s out here all “GOT YA!” like they’re playing a game or tag or something. ffff may the manga gods have mercy on our young suicidal protagonist

lmao so Deku is all “GOD I’M SO SMART, WHAT A GOOD STRATEGY I HAD, CAPITOL JOB THERE OL’ CHAP, CAPITOL” and lol, okay. I mean, it was a good plan though. but I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop here

“I’ll make you give me information on All for One” well there you go, lol. Deku Angst arc still fully engaged. still no light in his eyes either of course. just a lil chaotic ball of sleep deprivation and rage

lol, fucking THANK YOU though

oh my god what the hell did she do to him lol

did she shoot him with her elbow??? fucking look at this?? THIS IS WHY WE LISTEN TO HAWKS oh my god Deku are you dead

WHAT’S HAPPENING, IS THIS GOOD OR BAD, WHO’S WINNING

things that I wish I could tell from this panel which I unfortunately cannot tell

did she stab him or shoot him?? can you imagine if it was the former lol. why does Horikoshi keep stabbing all my kids. look Kacchan now the two of you can match

did she actually hit him or did he get away??

or did she hit him and then he jumped away?? just, what

well anyway, so now Deku is asking her why she sided with AFO, but he seems a lot more pissed off than when he was interrogating Muscular, though. probably because she shot him three times. fair enough

oh my god

does Lady have a blog here on tumblr dot com?? -- does Horikoshi have a blog here on tumblr motherfucking dot com?? why do I suddenly feel like this man is out here sneakily reading up on all our discourse

oh my god Deku it’s almost like getting up close and personal with someone who can shoot custom bullets from any distance and any position with deadly accuracy was a terrible fucking idea

IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD WARNED YOU NOT TO ENGAGE WITH HER AT ALL COSTS. IF ONLY SOMEONE HAD HAD THE FORESIGHT TO DO THAT sob. can you imagine how much shorter this series would be if characters actually listened to Hawks. Hawks, and Momo. why do we even let anyone else run the show ever

OH MY GOD

DEKU, RUN

OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

this looks a lot like what happens to me whenever I play One’s Justice. those fucking combo attacks that you can’t fucking escape from and so your character just has to stand there getting their ass whalloped repeatedly while you wonder why you paid $40 for this

but anyways though. so Lady who did you kill?? I bet they deserved it, don’t worry I forgive you

(ETA: ANYWAY SO FRIENDLY REMINDER THAT LADY NAGANT DID NOTHING WRONG EVER IN HER ENTIRE LIFE. aside from murdering all those innocent people and shit. but there were CIRCUMSTANCES, and THEY WERE EXTENUATING, OKAY.)

-- holy shit

looks like the HPSC arc is back on the menu boys

so are we about to learn that the HPSC was going full Hydra on people’s asses? secretly dispatching anyone they deemed a threat to society?? “taken care of” as in you fucking shot them??

so then was the “hero” she killed actually one of the guys who was giving or carrying out these orders?? holy shit Lady, up until now I’ve mainly just been stanning you for your flawless eyebrow game and metal af quirk, but this shit could actually get real very quickly, and I am prepared to genuinely and sincerely love the shit out of you depending on what we learn next about your backstory

oh my god?!?

so wait, hold up. am I reading this right?? basically the HPSC started murdering vigilantes because they were worried they were gaining too much of the public’s favor?? holy fucking shit???

oh my GOD oh my god

“it’s been a while since I scarred you all with the dead dog and the graphic slaughter of an entire innocent family, huh,” Horikoshi says thoughtfully. “anyway so what do you all think of my new creation, the Spaghetti Bullet.” well, Horikoshi, so you know that squished-up face that Kermit the Frog makes sometimes? yeah. that’s what I think, if you must know lol

holy hell the juxtaposition

I’m actually kind of surprised to learn she had a lot of fans? what with her M.O., I was expecting her to have been an underground hero like Aizawa, but apparently not? then again I still have absolutely no idea how any of that works. I really need to read Vigilantes already

oh snap

nothing like a sweet dose of assassin trauma to finally round out our BnHA Trauma Bingo!! well done guys, we finally collected all of the traumas! hooray!

noooo Ladyyyyyyy

holy shit what a fucking chapter. like, this man promised us an assassin, and went and fucking delivered. I was not expecting it to be this dark, lol, but holy shit I am here for it

you know, at some point you have to start questioning the logistics of this, though

I mean, how do I put this... her quirk isn’t exactly subtle. that murder scene from a few pages back looked like the first season of Dexter for fuck’s sake, that’s not exactly “disappearing” people now is it?? and I mean, her bullets are literally made from her own fucking hair; it seems like it would be impossible not to leave any evidence behind. did no one start to wonder who the fuck was going around murdering all these people? or did the people who asked too many questions wind up getting conveniently “disappeared” themselves??

and hey, speaking of asking too many questions

holy shit is he blackmailing her??!? or no, wait -- what the hell is he reaching for in his pocket boy you better not

(ETA: what exactly was this man expecting fdslkjd. “uh oh my unstoppable hair trigger assassin who is literally always armed is asking questions, better announce that I am going to shoot her and then reach into my pocket veeeeeery slowly while she stands there all of two feet away.” how did this guy ever function as the head of a shadow government with these decision-making skills, I’m genuinely baffled.)

OH MY GOD LADY YES

this. right here. is why “run the fuck away” was damn good solid fucking advice. oh shit. but my god did this dude have it coming

so wait lol has she just been narrating all of this out loud to Deku this entire time

okay but can we just stop for a moment and appreciate the fact that they’re having this deep conversation about the dark secrets of hero society right in the middle of their intense mid-air sniper free-for-all lol

holy shit you guys, Nagant’s the one that should have made the tell-all video. I mean, no offense to you, Dabi, I’m sure you worked very hard on your video and did a ton of crunches every day so that you would look good with your shirt off while you told the world all about how your dad was a jerk. but seriously...

this is already like 100x more convincing than what he put out. also, gasp, is it another flashback

yes it is oh my gosh

so the HPSC Chairladyperson whom ReDestro killed used to be this guy’s direct subordinate, huh? I wonder if she kept the whole assassin program going after she took over. can’t say I was feeling any particular kind of grieving way about her death before, but certainly not now lol

but unfortunately Nagant has finally lost me at the same place where all of the villains inevitably do, which is to say when they somehow make the dubious mental leap from “society sucks and is bad” to “let’s just be openly fucking evil lol, worth a shot.” because when heroes murder innocent people and cover it up, that’s obviously bad (and I mean, it absolutely fucking is lol, don’t get me wrong); but when villains murder innocent people straight up out in the open without giving a fuck, they’re righteous revolutionaries? just -- is there really no non-murdery middle ground here?? I guess that’s what Deku and co. are for, hopefully

anyways oh shit Deku seems to have spotted something?? and he’s doing something weird with Blackwhip what

oh, he spotted her, I guess

lmaooooo

new favorite Deku panel right here. a masterpiece

oh my god you guys our little boy is starting to grow up before our eyes

you love to see it. and you can tell with those elipses that he’s gearing up to say something really cool and determined and badass like the shounen protag he is, yes please, Deku ilu so much please do your thing

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

IS THAT A TEENY TINY LIL EYE SPARKLE THERE OMG. still not anywhere close to his usual standard, but that’s some clear resolve there in his eyes there at long last! it always shines the most clearly when he’s being true to himself and his ideals, so I love that it finally shows up again here, when he’s reaffirming his resolve to help others no matter what

uh oh so what’s Lady going to do now

is it time for a trump card?? kinda sounding like it’s time for a trump card

???

I lied btw, this is my new favorite Deku panel. but anyways what is she up to now lol

ohhhhhh, lol

why does she seem shocked, lol. here I thought this was part of her plan, but apparently she forgot all about ol’ “Look Ma, No Hands” back up there

and so I guess that’s it for this week! so we’ve learned basically everything now about Lady and her quirk and her history with the HPSC and why she agreed to work for AFO. pretty much the only question that still remains is why the hell she decided to drag this asshole along for the ride! because I still cannot figure that out dsklkjlkf

(ETA: actually now I’m kind of wondering if they maybe have some past connection we don’t know about yet. when exactly was Nagant sent to Tartarus? is it possible she was ordered to track down and kill Overhaul at some point before that, but never got around to it? or something else along those lines? idk but now I’m curious.)

anyways Deku, I know that your empathy has no bounds and that you’re on a “saving villains” kick right now, and good on you... but also, if you decide to just like, skip all of that shit just this once, absolutely no one will hold it against you, I’m just saying. just, all I’m asking here is maybe let’s think twice before we start trying to reform guys who imprison and torture little girls for profit. I think maybe that’s a good place to draw the line. next week is going to be a very interesting chapter lol

[atlabeth]

neighborly things - sokka x fem!reader

summary: reader can’t make things for shit. thankfully, she has a cute and crafty neighbor willing to help her. 

a/n: im so sorry lmao. i have requests and i have 2 series that havent been updated in like a month but sometimes i just need to write a stupid little oneshot to get back in the writing mood. i did this in an hour 

im not a screwdriver expert so dont come at me if some of this info is wrong lmao 

wc: 1.6k 

warning(s): some cursing but otherwise pure fluff. also i didnt proofread im SORRY im pretty sure they laugh grin and smile like 200 times 

-

“Dammit!” 

 Anyone unfortunate enough to have a place near you during this time would have heard the phrase on more than twenty occasions, and it wasn’t even noon yet. You had gotten the parts in the mail to put together a new dresser a couple days ago, and had finally decided to take on the task. You didn’t know if it was because you were inexperienced with furniture or just lacked basic comprehension skills, but it was proving to be no less than Herculean. 

 You threw the screwdriver at the wall and fell back to the floor as you let your arms sprawl out above you. You had been trying to screw in a part for no less than thirty minutes, and if a miracle didn’t happen right about now, you were going to lose your mind. 

Your head snapped towards the door when she heard a knock, and your brows creased. “God?” You muttered as you got up, wondering if you had actually thought a miracle into existence. 

 You weren’t greeted by a deity when you opened the door, but the man standing in front of you was pretty damn close. With ocean blue eyes, hair pulled back in a ponytail with shaved sides, and toned arms, he was a sight to behold. But you had no idea why he was in front of your door. 

 “Hey, are you okay?” He questioned, genuine concern in his tone. 

 “Um, yeah, why?” You were trying to rack your brain for any memory of this guy — because you knew you would remember him if you had seen him before — but to no avail. “Also, who are you and why are you here?”

 “Right,” he chuckled. “My name’s Sokka. I’m your neighbor; I live—” he gestured at the door just next to your place, “—over there. Moved in a couple weeks ago, so that’s probably why you don’t know me. I’ve just been hearing a lot of cursing and loud noises coming from your place, so I figured I would stop in and see what was going on.” 

 “Oh. That’s.. very considerate of you, Sokka. I’m just…” you sighed and chuckled at the ridiculousness of it all. “I’m just trying to put together a dresser, and it’s not going well at all. That latest sound you heard was the culmination of my rage. I threw a screwdriver at the wall.” 

 “Yeah, that’ll do it,” he laughed. “Listen. I don’t wanna intrude on you or anything, but I happen to be pretty good at putting things together. I had to do a lot of furniture construction when I first moved in, plus I’m the one all my friends call when they need help with putting anything together. I could probably help you with whatever’s troubling you.”  

 “Are you serious?” 

 “Oh, no. I just go door to door joking around with people, asking if they need help with their furniture, sometimes I ask if their refrigerator is running? It really gets a kick out of them.” 

 You rolled your eyes goodnaturedly and stepped aside so he could enter your apartment. “Thank you so much, Sokka. I’ve read the instructions a million times, I seriously don’t know what I’m doing wrong.” 

 He crouched down and picked up the manual, turning to a dog-eared page and skimming over the instructions. He pointed at the screwdriver you had thrown against the wall and glanced back at you. “Is that the one you’ve been using?” 

 You closed and locked the door behind him then walked over to the wall, picking up the unfortunate victim of your anger and spinning it in your hands. “Yeah, why?” 

 “Do you know what kind it is?” 

 “Um.. maybe? God, I don’t know. I think it’s a Phillip’s head?” 

 Sokka laughed and shook his head, holding up the manual so you could see it. “That’s where you’re going wrong. You need a Pozidriv for these screws — they’re similar enough that anyone can make a mistake.”

 You stared at Sokka in complete amazement — apparently, your savior lived next door, and he came in the form of a handsome guy with basic knowledge on putting furniture together. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,” you said as you walked over and took the booklet from himl. You flipped through it a couple times and read over the part, shaking your head in disbelief. 

 “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me!” you repeated, louder this time. “Do you know how long I’ve been trying to get that thing to- to work, to screw, to— whatever you call it?” 

 “It’s actually to—”

 “Thirty minutes!” You interrupted, earning a small chuckle from Sokka. “Thirty damn minutes that I have been trying to get that screw in, and it’s all because I was using the wrong screwdriver. Why would they make screwdrivers that are so similar but aren’t interchangeable?!” 

 He shrugged and held up his hands. “Don’t ask me — I don’t make the rules, I just follow them. But like I said; this dresser might fall apart if you keep using this thing. I actually have a Pozidriv back at my place, I can go get it and we can finish this up together.” 

 “God, that would be the biggest help,” you admitted. “But I don’t wanna take up your time — I don’t know how I would even repay you.” 

 “I’m doing this because I want to help you,” he said. “You don’t have to repay me. Think of it as… as a neighborly thing.” 

 “A neighborly thing?” you repeated with a laugh. “Well, if you’re offering, I’m definitely not going to refuse.” 

 “I am offering,” Sokka winked. “And unless you want to be at this for another three days, I think you should take that offer.” 

 You pretended to deliberate over it before letting out an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I’ll let you help me. I mean, really you should be thanking me for this brilliant opportunity to, um.. hone your skills.” 

 He laughed, a brilliant sound that made your heart sing, and nodded as he went back to the door. “Thank you so much for letting me put together this dresser. Truly, it’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

 “Then I’m happy to be of assistance.” 

 Sokka grinned then unlocked and opened the door. “I’ll be right back, then we can get started.”

 -

 Once he got back, the two of you got to work. The next three hours passed so quickly as you and Sokka talked about everything from the work you did to people in your lives (no girlfriend, thankfully), to exchanging stories — even the silence, though rare, was comfortable. 

 Sokka pushed the last drawer into its place then clapped his hands as he stood up, admiring the fruits of your labor. “And that’s it! We’re done.”

 “Wait, we’re done? Already?” You set down the instruction manual and stood up as well, backing up to Sokka’s position to see what he saw. “Wow, that looks.. that looks just like the picture. We are good at this! Well, you’re really good at this, I’m good at keeping you entertained. But still!” 

 You held your hand up for a high five and he laughed, but not without meeting it with a satisfying clap. 

 “It does look pretty good,” he admitted. “And not only do you have a brand new, fully functioning dresser, you also had the priceless experience of spending three hours with the neighbor you know nothing about.” 

 “That’s not true,” you countered. “I know that you’re really good at putting things together, you’re a genius when it comes to anything math or science, and you hate blueberries.” 

 Sokka snickered and brushed his hands off on his jeans. “That’s everything there is to know.” 

 “I dunno, Sokka. You seem like a pretty interesting guy.”

 “Really?”

 “Yeah. It’s not every day that someone offers to put together a whole dresser just because they feel bad.”

 “Well—” he tore off a blank part of the instruction manual and picked up a spare pen from the counter, then put it up against the wall as he scribbled something on it. Sokka put the pen down and handed the slip of paper to you with a smile. “If you ever need any more help with furniture, then call me.” 

 You could feel your cheeks heat up as you took the paper. Your fingers brushed ever so slightly as you took the slip of paper, and you decided to just go for it. You bit back a grin and tried to sound as innocuous as possible. “And if I want to get to know you beyond the blueberries?” 

 Sokka laughed and leaned against the doorframe. “Definitely call me.”  

 “Great.” 

 The two of you smiled at each other like idiots for way too long before a notification from his phone broke the silence. He jumped from the sudden noise and dug his phone out of his pocket, giving you an apologetic look. “Sorry, my sister just texted me and I gotta get over to her place.” Sokka started towards the door then paused and turned around. “I actually had a lot of fun doing this, though. I’ll see you around, yeah?” 

 “Yeah.” You knew you had that same smile on your face, but it just wouldn’t go away. His energy was contagious. “Definitely.” 

 “Great.” He winked at you one last time then left, closing the door behind him, and finally snapping you out of your spell. 

 You leaned against the dresser and stared at the slip of paper in your hands, committing the number to memory. 

 You were definitely going to take him up on that offer. 

-

perm tag list: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin​

[kiwikyuu]

━━━━━━━━ all the different shades of orange ; hinata shōyō

summary — whoever said that hinata shōyō is a ball of sunshine is a liar

word count — 3k

genre — imagine ; kinda enemies to lover, fluff

warning(s) — major spoilers about spring interhigh for those of you who haven't read the manga, insults thrown around, kinda out of character hinata, cursing, not edited

a/n — okay but have y'all seen e2l hinata shōyō besides kagehina lmao because i haven't and thought it'd be interesting to try out. also wow i have never put so much effort into a work like this one (hopefully it reaches a lot of people and you can all find some joy in reading!)

❝ WATCH WHERE YOU'RE FUCKING GOING NEXT TIME, YOU ROTTEN BELL PEPPER. ❞

Hate was a strong word but the flaring anger in your heart and overwhelming urge to run into a wall whenever your eyes landed on that tangerine said otherwise. It wasn't that you went out of your way to dislike someone that has everyone wrapped around their finger. It just so happened that you had no tolerance for bullshit, and Hinata Shōyō pissed you off in every way possible.

It started on the first day of high school.

Walking beside Minari, a friend from middle school, the two of you were eager to leave the building. The idea of grabbing steamed buns had unraveled itself in your mind, and what better way to enjoy food than by sharing?

"Are you going to try out for any clubs?" Your elbow bumped against hers as you two walked the slowly emptying hallway. "I think I saw the girls soccer team holding tryouts soon."

Minari shrugged, but you could already see the thoughts pinging in her mind. "I might if I can."

See, the two of you had almost reached the staircase when it happened. Minari's long hair covered her view from time to time, so you were used to looking out for her while chastising the girl about the usefulness of a hairband. But what you didn't expect as you pulled the girl aside just as a gaggle of guys rushed by was the full strength of a short orange-haired boy catching you off guard and nearly sending you tumbling down the flight of stairs.

"I'm sorry! I - I didn't see you there!" He shouted, his hand coming out to latch instinctively onto your school uniform before you could be thrown back far. "And on the first day too... I'm so sorry! Please accept my apology."

You stared at the short boy standing before you looking positively green with anxiety and guilt. Minari was already calming him down with mentions of accepting his apology, but all you could focus on was the pounding beat of your heart and the tingling feeling in your legs from your near-fatal experience.

"Watch where you're fucking going next time, you rotten bell pepper," you muttered before pushing his fingers off your now wrinkled white shirt.

You had walked away first, Minari in tow, but not before catching the shine of his name tag, 'Hinata Shōyō,' and the wide-eyed stare on his face that sent shivers down your back.

From that day forward, every flash of orange around the school seemed to be followed by a glare on your end and a roll of eyes on his.

"You're in the way, pumpkin head." Your words cut through the chattering hallway and sliced at Hinata who in turn threw you a pointed look, something that all the First Year students knew by now was reserved for only you. "I'm trying to get to the library, but somebody's walking too slow. Aren't you supposed to be on the volleyball team?"

Hinata scoffed, but stepped aside to let you through. Dirty looks were all he had in his armory apparently as time after time after sending an insult or two his way, he held his tongue. You liked to think it was because he didn't have the proper brain cells to form a response, but sometimes you wondered if you were being too much.

Up ahead, Minari waved at you to hurry before all the seats at the library were taken. Shaking yourself of your thoughts, you walked over to her. Unbeknownst to you, while you shouldered your bag, your wallet tipped over and fell out at a certain somebody's feet.

Hinata picked up your ratty wallet, noticing it on the floor, and went to call out to you before catching himself. What did he care? Still, unable to ignore it, he pocketed your belonging making note to give it back to you later. Right now, he had a game to worry about.

Somehow you had ended up at the Karasuno vs. Aoba Johsai game during the Interhigh Preliminaries. Minari had dragged you up to the stands as discreetly as possible after convincing you that she wasn't feeling up to study. Considering she had her eyes set on a certain 5'10 blueberry, you were foolish enough to think that she'd wanted to take you some place fun.

Now as the two of you stared down at the game happening eagerly, you let out a sigh upon noticing Hinata. As if your day couldn't have gotten worse after misplacing your wallet, you were displeased to find that he was looking right back up at you with the same wide-eyed stare he had when you two had first met.

Shivers ran down your back almost as if on cue, and you tore your gaze away from him fully ready to leave the gymnasium and trudge back home. But had you turned away, you would have missed the freakish oddball combination execute their quick attack.

"Holy shit," you breathed. "What the fuck was that?"

Minari smirked. "Tobio-kun is a great setter, isn't he? Or were you too focused on Mr. Bell Pepper to notice."

You shot her a frosty look, pushing down the stuttering emotion starting to rise in your chest that most definitely did not feel like anger. "As if."

The game continued for what seemed like days but turned out to be hours at most ending at a score of 1:2 in Aoba Johsai's favor.

Deafening silence overtook your ears. Minari was quick to leave the stands, mumbling something about consoling the fallen setter while your eyes searched for some semblance of sunshine in Hinata's sullen ones.

Spotting his sunken expression, you felt yourself regret the hatred that had sparked for him for just a moment. A fleeting moment that buried itself in your heart, planting a seedling of growing doubt.

"Minari, we have to catch the bus back!" You called out to your friend as you joined her on the gymnasium floor.

She glanced your way, halting the conversation she had began with her Tobio-kun. "Two minutes, and then we can go. Please?"

You nodded despite feeling discomfort crawling up your spine at being surrounded now by those you didn't know. You settled by the door, checking your phone mindlessly to pass the short time only looking up when an outstretched hand came into view.

"You dropped this earlier." Hinata's words were short, sharp, and you were suddenly glad you had never been on the end of his scathing remarks. "On your way to the library," he continued.

"Oh," was all your malfunctioning mind could come up with as he took your open hand in his, placing your wallet gently in your palm. The warmth of his skin seemed pressed into your own even after he had started to stalk away.

Clearing your throat, you spoke before you could stop yourself. "You did well today. I - uh," you paused. What were you even saying? "I watched from the stands."

He offered you a soft smile, one that you realized could light the world aflame, before walking back to his awaiting team.

You placed your hand over your drumming heart, sedating the flustered feeling he had left behind with you, chanting in your mind over and over again that Hinata Shōyō was a menace and you had no plan to ever like him let alone fall for him.

But no one ever plans to fall in love.

The Karasuno Boys Volleyball Club seemed to practice non-stop funnily enough, rather motivated by their loss from months ago instead of despaired. Minari had become a regular face during practice as she cheered the boys on in an attempt to woo Kageyama still, and by fault, so had you.

"Y/N, Tangerine's on his way over here." Minari nudged you, stealing your attention from the workbook open in your lap.

You shrugged, trying to focus on anything other than your slowly rising heartbeat. "Why? Did the coach bench him for his subpar plays?"

"No, actually Tangerine wanted to give you something but he's currently reconsidering."

You looked up immediately, eyes narrowing upon noticing Hinata standing in front of you with a small smirk. "You're looking really fucking smug for a guy who still needs to work on his skills. Kageyama says you lack basic technique."

Hinata rolled his eyes at you. "You're being rude."

"It's because I don't like you," you answered smoothly. "So get back to practice before you lose any more volleyball brain cells."

He let out a small laugh. Turning away, for a moment you thought he'd actually leave as simple as that, but just before he took another step, he tossed something your way. It fell on top of your workbook, smacking against the thin pages, causing a couple of the boys to look your way while Hinata jogged back to the net.

Minari leaned in closer to you. "He got you—" She cocked her head in confusion. "A wallet?"

It was a deep shade of orange that almost made you laugh out in irony. Detailed with card slots and a latch with snapping buttons, the wallet was definitely an improvement from the one you had right now.

"That's sweet... right?" Minari questioned, watching your expression as you opened the wallet to reveal a note — scratchy handwriting on a scrap of notebook paper.

'thought your wallet looked ratty old. not in a mean way of course!!!!

— your favorite, Pumpkin Head Shōyō

ps. my sister picked out the color :p'

"Stupid fucking carrot," you whispered under your breath, feeling your cheeks grow warm at his message. "I don't need a new wallet."

Minari scoffed at your words, turning to face you completely and taking your hands in hers with seriousness. "Be honest with me." You stared at her blankly. "Be honest, and tell me if you actually hate Hinata as much as you say you do. Why don't you just drop the act? You two obviously like each other enough to be friends, so why keep this all up? Isn't it tiring?"

Her words echoed through the hallways of your mind minutes, hours, and days after. Sitting at your desk in school, on your walk home, lying in bed staring up at the ceiling, they were as loud as life itself.

You thumbed the straps of your bag while waiting for the bus. The sun was slowly dropping from the sky, setting on the horizon leaving you in a thoughtful orange haze.

You two obviously like each other enough to be friends, so why keep this all up? Isn't it tiring?

The weeks following were conflicting and chaotic. Exam season settled on Karasuno High School jolting the students and staff into a cloud of stress.

You spent your spare time at the library, eyes boring into material that just wouldn't stick while a certain rotten bell pepper took his seat next to you.

"I have to pass my finals or Sugawara senpai is going to nail me to a wall," Hinata explained, spreading his notebooks out on the desk and bumping his elbow against yours in the process. "You do well in your classes, right? Do you — " He looked abash. "D - Do you mind helping me?"

Against your better judgement, you nodded. Looking back now, you suppose that's where your odd friendship began.

Days on end, the two of you would stay behind to cycle through the material slowly building a tolerance of each other much to everyone's surprise.

"Do you still hate me?" The question came one night, the weekend before his exams.

Hinata looked at you from where he sat on the swings, kicking his feet at the sandy grounds. The two of you were at the park, cooling off after a long study session.

Your eyes fell to the can of convenience store coffee in your hands. The slight of the passing breeze drilled his question further in your mind.

"No, I don't think so," came your answer, words wobbly and unsure despite the thrum of your heart beating loudly against your chest and the warmth in your cheeks.

Silence filled the space between you two before Hinata finally spoke up again.

"Then do you like me?"

Your body felt lit aflame, mind jumping immediately to the way he made you feel things you hadn't much before. "As a friend," you decided after a moment of flustered emotions. "We're friends, I guess."

Hinata nodded thoughtfully. "Well, I like you." He took a deep breath. "As more than a friend, but if you feel that way then I'll wait for you. We have time."

His confession became lost among the flurry of thoughts and colliding emotions raging on inside you. Before you could say anything in response, Hinata got to his feet, shooting you that now familiar smile of his and offering you his hand.

The new year overwhelmed your senses like a storm of rain after a drought. Refreshed after the break, you returned to school with a new sense of purpose amplified by the motivation the new year always brings.

Hinata's confession had remained in your mind, pushed to the back by celebration but still bugging you every so often. The apricot haired boy had showed up, throwing ping pong balls (of all things) at your window to catch your attention over the break asking if you wanted to go grab something sweet with him. You promptly responded with a rejection, only to find yourself walking with him ten minutes later.

"How was your break?" Minari asked, bundled in a jacket, scarf, and hat. She joined you at your side, catching you on your walk from the bus stop to school.

You shrugged, pulling your puffy jacket closer to you. "It was okay. You?"

She smiled. "Hung out with Tobio-kun. We went for hot chocolate, and he taught me how to set." Her eyes seemed almost dazzling at the memory, and you laughed, pushing her lightly away.

"You and your Tobio-kun are positively gross," you said. "Absolutely—"

Your words were halted at the feeling of warm fabric settling around your neck and a known face popping up beside you with a proud smile.

"Stay warm. You can give it back to me later," Hinata said before jogging away to catch up with a pair of Second Year boys ahead.

Your hand came up to the green scarf around your neck, failing to form comprehensive sentences. Heart thundering, you ignored the funny looks others sent your way. Glancing at Minari, you caught her slipping giggles.

"What happened to Hinata Shōyō being a rotten bell pepper?"

"Shut up."

Lending you his scarf when days seemed too cold was just the beginning of it all. Days turned into weeks turned into months of Hinata pining after you and you—though obvious to everyone else—trying to decipher your feelings for him.

"Hey, I missed you," Hinata said to you lightly after you had agreed to drop something off for Kageyama on Minari's behalf. Quickly realizing the meaning of his words, however, Hinata corrected himself. "I mean—um, as in I m - missed you earlier. Like... like I didn't catch you today, you know?"

You tilted your head at him with endearment, a small smile playing across your lips at the sight of his blushing face. "Yeah, don't worry. I got it, sweet potato."

His flustered expression dropped. "You think I'm sweet?"

Your eyes widened, stuttering to form a response and correct yourself out of this situation you had suddenly been thrusted in. Luckily, Kageyama came to your rescue before you could embarrass yourself.

"Hinata, boke, stop flirting with Y/N!" The tall blueberry haired boy towered over Hinata with a menacing glare and a scoff. Kageyama turned to you with a blank look you took for an apologetic expression.

Shaking your head profusely, you put your hands up in surrender. "Ah, no worries, Kageyama. I—uh, I have something for you from Minari. She has classroom duties today, so she couldn't come herself."

Kageyama nodded, taking the wrapped bento box that Minari had prepared for him from your outstretched hands. He mumbled words of thanks before stalking off while muttering under his breath a colorful range of insults at Hinata who in turn sent him a funny face.

The Spring Interhigh was coming up, and you were sure the Karasuno Boys Volleyball Club was itching for redemption after what had happened last August. Deciding that you didn't want to interrupt their practice any further, you made move to leave only to stop at the feeling of a hand on your wrist.

Glancing back, you raised an eyebrow in surprise at Hinata's sudden action. "What are you—"

The tangerine boy had exchanged his lighthearted expression of just minutes ago with a look that you could only describe as properly motivated. "When we make it to Nationals, promise to give me a chance."

All around you, the gym seemed to fade until only Hinata was in your line of vision.

When we make it to Nationals, he had said, not if.

Unable to respond, you found yourself nodding because who were you to kid yourself at this point?

The Karasuno Boys Volleyball Club did, in fact, make it to Nationals, but unfortunately lost to Kamomedai High School in the quarter-final round while Hinata spent his time at the hospital.

Hooked up to an IV line and dressed in one of those flimsy hospital gowns, Hinata looked unusually weak laying down on the bed. The others had left not long after you had arrived though some took more convincing than others.

"Next time, you can keep your scarf to yourself," you said, cutting the silence short with a lighthearted remark.

Hinata smiled weakly at that, his hand coming to rest atop your folded ones on your lap. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

You shook your head. "Obviously, you can't take care of yourself." Slipping your hands from under his, you took the hand warmers out of your pockets and placed one in each of his hands. "Luckily, you got me."

His face lit up. "Oh, do I now?"

Warmth spread through your body as you looked away from his hopeful gaze. "Well, you did make it to Nationals."

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey!! 👋🏽😄 I know you said in your last rant about SK8 and Reki and Renga that you were one of those people that always looks up and learns from others, but after your last Langa edit, I just wanted to remind you how immensely talented you are. I might have not seen your first attempts at editing, but I know how it looks like when you're barely starting something, and I'm sure everyone is proud of the progress you've made and many people looks up to you as the level of skill they want to achieve. You're doing amazing! 💖💖💖

Hi, my love!!!!!! ASDFSDFGHG that’s soooo sweet, thank you so much for saying this, it really means the world to me <3 Oh, haha I’ve deleted most of my old videos so it wouldn’t hurt anyone’s eyes lmao T_T I’m still a bit nervous each time I’m uploading my vids to the day to be honest, even with so many subs rn, but at first I really didn’t have any supporters at all and my god I sucked at this, but I guess the love for my fav ships was stronger apparently haha. So I always get silly happy at each nice comment and feedback, so thank you seriously. 

I really love love love vidding, Idk why but when smth comes out the way I wanted it’s a super addictive feeling for some reason, but many times I just looked at the final result and just threw it in the trash and started over and my god how many times SonyVegas crushed and didn’t autosave the project. I’m like Suga now, I’m pressing the save button each 2 minutes, cause don’t want to lose anything xD Being someone’s inspiration is truly an honor to me, I’ve got some messages that hit me too hard. Still feels weird bc I’m like “but do you know that I can’t even use photoshop tho, how do u like me now then?” lol.

I’m always drawn to talented characters, bc they amaze me, esp the humble ones. Like those who hate Haru or Lanaga just buffle me honestly. I understand that they’re pretty and talented and everything, but they’re also the sweetest and loveliest human beings, so like...??? And I adore those who don’t whine and get what they want. I just can’t help it. I’m a strong believer in the fact that "you can do anything if you put your mind to it”. So far it worked in real life so suck it lol.

People are also saying like Langa doesn’t deserve to win this and Haru doesn’t deserve to be in Olympics, like Langa didn’t snowboard since he was 2 and Haru wasn’t swimming every day since he was born. I’m like.. and you need to check in the mirror if your face is a shade of green. BTW I’ve also been in a professional sports for quite a long time since I was a little kid, ballroom dancing and adored it back then, and I did not get jealous at ppl who were talented than me, I was watching the tapes actually with a popcorn. And oh god those large competition events when you sit there for days and give it all, but then you’re like 296 out of 1000. Why was I proud instead of being sad? Idk xD It was fun.

So thanks for liking the vid, cause I even regretted uploading it a bit yesterday. Sadly everyone already knows that we lost this fandom to the middle schoolers being extra, so they do not care for anything each episode except for this ship, so that’s what I got for posting a just Langa vid:

And etc. and that just made me sad, cause I do not like such fandoms, like it’s not even related to the video, that I’ve been making... with love.  Also thanks for the "sama” title, I’m flattered, but editor only wants to vid matchablossom for now, so like there’s no need for any warnings. I’ve been in such horrendoes fandoms, that I’m immune to this. I also in fact didn’t know some keep ruining Langa’s page and saying that he steals Reki’s screen time... cause he’s aparently the only main character...? ...lmao? I didn’t even know Langa can be hated tbh. I wasn’t really ready for all the drama that followed me making a vid about him.

I’ve already deleted some comments, cause I’m like what this even has to do with the vid about Langa? No, I am not obliged to make a vid about Reki, too. What if I post a matchablossom vid, everyone will only start commenting “do renga”, cause fuck your efforts? I’m like... I hate such fanbases, seriously. I do not even know where this is going, but their fans are already pissing me off. I’m still trying hard for this to not affect my point of view about the ship, cause it’d be kinda unfair to them, but its getting harder each week istg.

And I maybe can’t take requests, but I love when some try to get me addicted on their ship with passion and great arguments. It happened to me with some nice ppl. But def not with agression and stupidity haha.

Cause apparently its one of the fandoms where you can’t NOT care for the main ship, even if you accept it for the only possible Langa ship (cause he doesn’t give a shit for anyone else, so like what’s the point), but it doesn’t do anything for you. I’m like... thanks for threatening. This will make me on board ASAP. Like it’s not the epitomy of love to me... I’m sorry? LMAO 

Some anon even sent me a “you’re dense” (literally thats it) ask after that Reki ask. I was tempted to write smth like “oh I’m sorry, this is the most epic love story of my life and his character is the most complex in the world and he’s the best friend and the most inspiring human being that ever hit my screen. can I become undense now? xD”. But you know I do not know if they’d realise the sarcasm and my pride sadly never allowed me to sell my life values for a bunch of 12 years olds to love me lol

My sister always laughs and jokingly says “but you’d probably get much more subs if you made a vid about this or that, but at what price that would be lmao”. Cause yeah, I never could make myself vid smth I do not like, cause I love vidding and do not want it to be associated with things I do not like, plus it’ll most likely turn out ugly, if I do not care. My mom says that she can feel love I put in my shipping vids that’s why she loves them. I really don’t think she’s wrong. But that also kinda makes me an idiot technically, cause I’m not into many of the popular ships, and some popular animes I just find really basic. 

Also I’m like 100% sure it ain’t happening, but even if they miraculously suck each other’s dicks while sitting on a skate board, I can still have the rights not to care at the end. Like did I sign some form where I’m obliged to love each and everyone canon gay ship even if it’s not what I like? Like gay is not the type of love in relationships. You can only care about his ass like Lan Zhan for example or you can only care about your ass. Like that’s different types of relationships, and whatever you like you like. So get all the way of people’s backs, please.

Also do ppl know that you do not need to be blind to the bad sides of the characters in your ships? Or you just gonna be like “I suddenly can’t see” for forever.

So really thanks for such wonderful message and liking the video and for the boosts when I need them and not being an ass to me if I’m not being obsessed with smth, when you like it. (like I think we have different ship in bnha, right? but we’re still doing great tho, thanks for being an angel <3)

I still didn’t expect this becoming a Voltron 2.0. situation tho. We in our twenties see everything differently, I guess. I do get extra about “their love is everywhere”, but I do not get extra by anonymously attacking ppl, threatening creators and yelling “queeerbating psychotic blind assholes if these two aint fucking by the end of the season I’m shaving my head and jumping out of the window and shoot the director. you do not ship it HARD? YOU DUMB FUCK. THAT’S THE BEST LOVE STORY IN THE WORLD”. Like damn, take your blinders off and see the world, kid. Firstly, it’s definitely not, secondly, ppl see love differently in general and at each age too.

Ah, also you must kill Adam, cause he’s a pedo apparently. Like he ain’t even a threat to your ship, unless you’re blind, but they’re still at it, like they do not know that this kind of age difference is literally nothing for an anime? And that there are canon ships with a huger age difference left and right, too. It’s like its their first time approaching an anime or smth. Like in anime world character can literally kill 1000 ppl with his bare hands and bathe in their blood and we can still stan them, depends on their story, ok? Also Langa couldn’t care less for his advances, so like separate Adam from your ship pls. Like, fuck off, if someone is interested in his character. Yeah, he’s a weirdo for reasons, but anime kind of weird do not apply to real life. Stop acting like you’re some purist, when later you’re gonna ship smth else and it suddenly will not apply. Also rules do not apply to animes, everyone knows they do not apply. These are not western cartoons, my god. And 24 years old flirting with 16 year old is defiinitely not the weirdest shit anyone has ever seen in the anime. Chinese BL has characters who were 14 and 30 when they met and happily married. Also FICTION is not life. Literally no one cares. If you’re scared for your saint eyes, do not watch animes, you’re gonna have a heart-attack from what you can see there. Also we’ve seen gayer bromances in animes, who are just bromances, so pls do not shoot anyone if it’s not canon.

So basically I was kinda pissed yersterday, cause fuck them for ruining the tag, but after chatting with my hommies and your ask, I’m okay again, I just have to avoid this fandom and stick to a tight community xD. I just got used to my nice fandoms and forgot for a bit about the precautions you need to take if you’re in one of those. You know. Who make a circus out of lgbt, instead of supporting it, and make other ppl hate being in fandoms.

P.S. sorry for this partially unrelated rant, your messages really always make my heart bloom, so thanks for supporting me, and I know you’re proud of my progress, too <3 and this makes me happy. LY

[succubusphan]

Rain

Summary: When their dinner date gets ruined, the boys need to find a way to make it work.

Rating: G

Tags/warnings: Slice of Life, Introspection, Domestic Fluff, very mild angst.

Word Count: 2.9k

A/n: This was written in collaboration with my friend @schnaf!!! Thank you joining me in this crazy project and making it so much fun to write! may the next time not take us as long (lmao).

Read on ao3

‘Oh no. This can’t be true.’

Dan walks towards the window and pushes the curtain aside gently, looking up to the grey sky with a frown. A light drizzle starts to fall and he can’t contain a disappointed sigh. He runs his fingers through his hair, leaving it more wild than it had been. This was not supposed to happen. After being hauled up inside for so long due to quarantine they had decided to have a beautiful romantic dinner under the stars - in the comfort of their own balcony - but it seems like the weather forecast had been wrong again. ‘Awesome.’

All of a sudden, there are hands on his waist. Arms around him. A body behind Dan’s. Phil’s voice right next to his ear. “You look like a grumpy old farmer. What’s the matter?”

Dan leans back. For one moment, he closes his eyes, just enjoying being close to Phil, just taking in his warmth. Hey, he could just focus on that, that’s pretty nice too. But… It’s not what they planned. He sighs. “Look.” No more words needed - Phil just needs to look outside. The trees are rustling in the wind, moving forward, moving backward. Little dots are turning the grey wood dark, drop by drop by drop. Not the best setting for a dinner outdoors.

Phil sighs just as he did. “We can still make it work,” he says, pressing a kiss to Dan’s cheek and tightening his embrace for a moment. “If you still want to.”

He always does that. He tries to find the positive in every situation, not letting Dan sink into the darkness that his mind can be sometimes, but he doesn’t push - at least not more than he knows Dan can handle. He likes to remind Dan that he has a choice. That he can be sad sometimes, that he can give up on a day without being judged by his partner. “Of course, I was looking forward to your amazing cooking skills.” He snickers as Phil tickles his tummy, trying to move away from him, but damn, Phil forced him into a corner, blocking the way out with his body. Dan squirms, but Phil is relentless. Only when Dan begs for mercy, Phil lets go of him.

Dan catches his breath, then he turns around to face him and -

Ah, shit. He really did pick an attractive boyfriend, he can’t help but notice over and over again and looking at Phil right now… his hair is a mess, it probably already was even before his attack, but Dan’s struggles to break free didn’t exactly help. His cheeks have turned red, he’s still out of breath, but he’s smiling and he’s so giddy and happy and -

Oh, how lovely it would be to take this man out on a date. Even if “out” only meant their balcony. But no, the weather gods had other things in mind. Other things, like putting some dark clouds over London and some in Dan’s head.

And still, Phil managed to make him laugh.

“Thank you,” Dan mumbles, pressing his forehead into Phil’s shoulder with a small smile on his lips.

Phil presses a kiss to the top of his head with a sigh. “Thank you.” Phil grabs Dan’s hand and brings it to his lips.

Dan feels breathless. Phil is not a man of many words, but they don’t need them to communicate. Dan knows exactly what he is saying because it’s what he keeps repeating to him: ‘Thank you for being you, thank you for being with me, thank you for all these years.’ Sometimes it’s hard to accept those words, so Phil tends to leave them unsaid, but they know. “Love you,” he whispers without looking up.

“Love you too,” Phil says softly, but before Dan can even kiss him, Phil smirks and slaps  Dan’s ass, breaking all sort of romantic energy in an instant. “Go get fancy while I take care of dinner.” 

Dan rolls his eyes at Phil, but he decides to spare him the scolding. Instead, he nods and leaves in the direction of the bedroom.

An hour later finds Dan fully dressed, hair still wet from the shower and Phil attempting to whistle as he cuts a good amount of veggies to put onto the pan. 

Dan leans on the kitchen island, watching him try to arrange everything neatly over the stove when a lightning makes them both look in the direction of the balcony. “Shit,” he says but before he can add anything else, the thunder finally lands, making the entire building shake. And then, just like that they are standing in a dark kitchen.

“Phil?”

It’s not like he’d gone completely blind. Their lights may have gone out, but it’s not fully dark outside yet. There’s a faint glow coming from outside that is only obscured by the clouds as they rush past the moon. Dan still can see silhouettes, he still can see Phil a few feet away from him. Yet, it’s his first instinct to reach out for him.

No objection from Phil’s side. “Yep. Over here.”

“Well, then - move your ass this way.” Dan orders him, a grin on his face. Of course, he doesn’t wait for Phil to rescue him, of course he moves towards him at the same time. They meet in the middle of the kitchen island, Dan takes Phil’s hand immediately.

“Is the power out?” Dan asks. Now that they’re so close he can even make out Phil nodding.

“Seems like it. Wait -” Phil reaches behind him, trying out the light switch. Dan can hear the little click, but - nothing happens.

He thinks back to the Manchester flat, their first home together. They had learned many things about being grown ups there. One of the first lessons had been: ‘always check if your neighbors have power during a black out.’

With a tentative hand running on the counter as he walks, Dan silently guides Phil towards the window. The light drizzle they had seen before has evolved into pouring rain. The London sky is pitch black save for the moonlight. “Fuck,” he says, pressing his forehead to the glass. “What now? We can’t cook without power.”

“Well,” Phil looks out the window towards the grill. “I have an idea.”

Dan follows his line of sight and frowns. “You are not cooking outside in the rain, Lester.” 

“It will be fine!” Phil says, already turning his phone light on and marching in the direction of the bedroom. 

Dan follows him with a huff. “Phil,” he stomps his foot like a toddler. He knows he looks ridiculous but he doesn’t care - besides, Phil can’t actually see him. 

“Aha!” Phil says holding up his shoes. “Get some candles that don’t smell absolutely horrendous together. We are having a candlelit dinner.” 

“Fine, but I don’t want you cooking in the fucking rain! What if you get struck by a thunder?” 

“I’m not cooking outside, so I won’t. Don’t worry about it.” Phil says, pointing his phone light towards his own face to show an evil little smirk.

Dan huffs and flashes his own light into each of the dresser drawers and finds two autumn themed candles. ‘It will have to do.’ He turns around when he hears Phil rush past him. ‘I’ll kill him. I’ll divorce him, and then I’ll kill him.’

As he returns to the lounge, he finds the balcony door open and Phil pulling the grill towards him, leaving it right on the limit with their living room. “What are you doing?”

“I’m setting the fire, putting everything in with the lid and staying inside.” Phil smiles, clearly proud of himself for having such a good idea. 

“You are … mental.” Dan shakes his head fondly.

Phil crosses his arms with a laugh and wiggles his eyebrows. “Or am I a genius?”

Dan shoves him gently. “Definitely mental.”

Phil tries to wink but fails miserably. “Let’s get this show on the road. You set the candles and the table while I cook.” He slaps Dan’s ass again.

“Keep the smoke outside - if you can get it going that is.”

Phil rolls his eyes at him. “Anything for you, babe.”

Thus, they both set off. Dan takes care of the table as Phil told him, shooting a glance at his cook every now and then. He’s doing surprisingly well - sure, the maniac laugh when he manages to light the fire is a bit concerning but well, that’s Dan signed up for when he doubted Phil’s glorious idea, apparently. Not half an hour later he can smell the vegetables and damn, his mouth is watering. Now if Phil could hurry up… He’s hungry.

It doesn’t take that much longer until Phil is ready to serve his creation. There’s a tiny little curse when he tries to put the grilled vegetables on a plate; another, this time more audible curse when he almost stumbles over a cable on the floor, but then he reaches the candlelit table. Dan inspects the plate’s content while Phil sits down opposite of him.

“Wow. Looks amazing,” Dan admits without shame. Sure, he was poking fun at Phil before, he also was actually worried about him messing up, but… He’s really happy with the final result and not ashamed to let Phil know.

Phil grins at him, the proud smile of - a cook? No, it’s more than that. It’s the proud smile of a cook who just saved his starving boyfriend. “Yeah, right?” But then, his expression softens and he reaches out to take Dan’s hand.

“I know. It isn’t a romantic dinner under the stars. And a candlelight dinner would be more romantic if we weren’t forced to do it. But still… Better than nothing, isn’t it?” Phil asks and Dan looks at him, at his caring smile and -

He sighs. “I was quite the drama queen, hm?”

Complaining about the circumstances whereas Phil took matters into his own hands… Damn, he feels actually bad about it. Phil looked forward to this evening just as much as he did but he had to deal with Dan’s mood on top of the weather problems.

Phil just shrugs. “You were upset. But rightfully so. As long as you’re happy now…”

Dan lifts his head. Phil’s smile is so sincere… It’s okay. Everything is okay. Things didn’t go according to plan but hey, they’re here, they’ve got some food and most of all, they’ve got each other.

Could be worse.

So instead of assuring Phil he’s alright, Dan decides to prove it. He leans over, picking up a bottle he placed under the table before. The dark liquid sloshes backwards and forwards, clearly visible behind the green glass. “Got us some wine. Should be a good match.”

Phil’s face lights up - it turns into a giggle when Dan tries to hold the bottle like a beauty YouTuber trying to present an oversized eyeliner. The giggle is still in his voice when he comments on Dan’s surprise. “Awesome. That’s just what I need right now. See? Told you we’re going to be alright.”

“Of course we will, Bub. We always are.”  Dan pours them both a glass and raises his for a toast. “To us, to our story and our future.”

Phil clinks Dan’s glass with a smile. “To your talent, your heart…” he pauses for effect, “and that perfect ass.”

Dan snorts and dips his fingers in the wine, flicking some directly onto Phil’s face. “I hate you.”

“Ah! Bitch!” Phil wipes his face with one of their white napkins in retaliation; he knows Dan will have a fit about later. “I hate you more,” he says sweetly.

Dinner is over in a flash. The power is still out, but their hearts are happy and their tummies are full of Rosé, so when Phil proposes to relocate to the piano, Dan doesn’t object. They bring the candles along with them and after placing them around the piano, Dan takes a seat and presses the button to turn it on.

“Any song requests?” He asks Phil, placing his fingers on the keys. Ah, he really doesn’t want to get sappy, but… He likes that feeling. The moment when you’re about to start making music…

“I’ll take whatever you pick.” Phil appears right behind him, apparently kneeling because he wraps his arms around Dan’s waist, resting his head on Dan’s shoulders.

Dan turns his head to look at him. “I don’t know if I can play if you’re clinging to me.”

There’s no expression of guilt on Phil’s face. Quite the opposite - he tries to make it seem like Dan annoys him. His little giggle gives him away, though.

Still, he’s quite demanding. “Make it work.”

Well, if Phil insists… His fingers run along the keys without a thought. Then he starts playing  ‘Pyramid song’.

It just takes the first few notes for Dan to drift away. His fingers seem to move on their own, finding the correct keys right away because they’re so familiar with them, his head is silent - it’s as if the music swept away every single thought in his brain. It’s just him, the piano, the music - and Phil. Phil’s arms around him, Phil’s body pressed against his back, the steady lifting and lowering of his chest.

Then, Dan stops. Damn, he doesn’t know how to finish the song. He could go on for a bit, but he’d reach the point soon when he didn’t continue learning it 

And thus, the moment of peace is over.

It’s always been like that. Every other song he can think of, he never finished learning. That seems to be a constant in his life; the only constant besides Phil. 

Speaking of Phil: He gets up to sit beside him and places his hand on Dan’s, giving it a little squeeze. “Teach me.”

“Sure. I’m the best teacher in the world.”  he mumbles, his eyes still fixating on the keys. “I never finished learning any of the songs I play.”

“That’s not true,” Phil says matter-of-factly. “You learned the song for the tour.” 

Dan smiles - Phil’s right, he did. He just needs to remember that it’s ok to not finish every single project. Damn, he could never doubt his boyfriend, especially when he is looking at him like he is the most talented man on this planet. Dan knows that’s not the case but…

He doesn’t need to be; he is good enough. He can do this. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “Ok, put your fingers here. No, wait.” He demonstrates the fingers placement for Phil. “Like this.” Phil adjusts his hands and Dan runs his fingers on his boyfriend’s softly. “That’s it, good.” Dan turns his head to look at his student, but Phil doesn’t return the gaze. He’s focused on his fingers, on the fingers placement Dan just taught him. Damn, he really wants to learn this - and moreover, Dan is actually able to teach him. Just like Phil let him know - he can do it.

Dan feels a pull in his stomach; he - he just can’t resist the urge. He leans over to kiss Phil on the cheek.

Now, Phil lifts his gaze. Just for a brief moment, just for a short smile, then he returns his attention back to the keys. And Dan does so too.

They play the song together quietly, Dan adjusting Phil’s fingers with a smile when he misses. 

Then, it gets bright all of a sudden. The lights turn back on, the fridge starts humming.

The power has returned, making them blink as they try to adjust their eyes. Phil removes his hands from the piano to reach for his long forgotten glass. “Well. That was nice.” he takes a sip of wine.

“Yeah.” Dan smiles, pouring himself a new glass and silently offering Phil a refill.

Phil hands him his glass. “Do you think we can get a piano for the house?”

“What’s wrong with this one?” Dan’s eyebrows disappear into his hair as he returns the glass.

Phil shakes his head. “Nothing, I just thought you would prefer a more traditional one. Like the one in the old apartment.”

Dan sips on his wine and hums. “It’s not a bad idea. Not a bad idea at all, along with a gas stove.”

“Ah, probably.” Phil smiles. “But I did make the grill work.”

“I never doubted you.”

Phil pokes Dan’s stomach. “You did, you’re just saying that because you were wrong.”

“Of course not, I was only joking, Bub,” Dan says with fake innocence.

Phil squints his eyes but finally lets it go. “As long as we continue the piano lessons in the new place…”

‘Okay, okay, game over.’ How could he insist on keeping up the bant when he feels so giddy all of a sudden? If he can’t keep himself from smiling like a fool? “Of course.”

It doesn’t matter if their date nights get rained on. It doesn’t matter that he’s not the best pianist in the world, or if he can’t always keep the darkness at bay.

In the end, it will always be just the two of them. Phil will always be his companion through life; even if he ends up burning the house at one point or another.

[gingerwritess]

All I can think is “ vending machine “ idk why?? Maybe you can do something with that??

lmao i don’t think many people like this pre-dating idiots kick i’m on but look i’m just proud of myself for actually managing to create a plot and i rly love this so oops have some more t e n s i o n

also i’ll answer asks asap so sorry it’s taking me a while!!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Thirteenth floor. Break room down hall H. Use code 1217. Now.

Who is this?

Your lover.

Right. Your lover, the not-yet-released psycho who’s pretending to be a doctor in the same facility where you work, and now apparently has a phone.

And your number.

Great.

We’re not dating, you type back. I’m busy.

I’m dying.

Good for you.

You grin to yourself—nice one.

A couple minutes pass with no response and you wonder if he’s actually dying…would that be the worst that could happen?

No. No, I don’t think that’d be too terrible.

But why would he ask you for help? I mean, it’s not like you’re friends—but then again, you’re the only one who knows who he really is…who else can he ask?

Fine. Be right there.

Turns out your fake doctor boyfriend already has a higher clearance than you. Your ID stops unlocking doors by the seventh floor, much to your chagrin, and you have to use the code Loki gave you to enter the psych/physiology floor.

Hall H turns out to be the furthest hallway from the elevators, so by the time you find it and start looking for the break room, you’re pretty sure he’ll already be dead. Since he was dying, after all.

You’re half expecting him to be lying in a puddle of his own blood, some other worker having discovered his real identity and not having as much self control as you did, but nope.

He’s still Robert Laing, reddish-blond and donning a lab coat that’s a little too short for him, staring at the vending machine in the corner.

“You came.” He doesn’t look up when you walk in, a dollar in one hand and two quarters in the other. “I’m shocked.”

“Of course you’re not dead,” you groan, turning right back around to walk out the door. “I gotta admit, by the fourth floor I was hoping—”

“I’ve given you every opportunity to kill me,” he snaps, making you stop in your tracks.

“You’re hard to kill. I shot the hell out of you that first time.”

He rolls his eyes. “Oh, please, your heart wasn’t in that.”

“Well, gee, I’ll be sure to mean it next time—”

“Next time?”

“I’m not very optimistic about our relationship, Doctor.” You cross your arms over your chest, scowling at him from the doorway. “Why’d you call me all the way up here? Just to rub it in my face that you have a higher clearance than me?”

“That was just an added bonus,” he sighs, turning back to the vending machine and waving his dollar at it. “I, erm…could use some assistance.”

Oh my god.

“You don’t know how a vending machine works??”

“I’m from another realm, stop laughing,” he hisses, and one of his quarters bounces off your forehead.

“HEY—”

“Just help me, woman. Please.”

“Well, since you said please…” you can’t help one more snort of laughter as you head over to him and take his money out of his hand. “Okay, what are you trying to buy?”

He points.

You try not to laugh.

“Okay, you have to punch in the code underneath it. B-4, see?”

“Here?” He points again.

“On the keypad, idiot.” You point to the keypad and watch him carefully enter the code. “Now you have to put in your money. Coins in here, bills in here. It’s a dollar fifty.”

“But I only have a dollar twenty-five—”

“Yeah, cause you threw one of your quarters at me, genius.” A big part of you wants to just tell him oh well, guess you can’t eat, but you fish around in your pocket for another quarter.

“Here.” You press it to his open palm, trying not to sound too annoyed. He’s just a big baby, you’re quickly discovering, death threats aside. “Found it on my way up, get your candy bar.”

There’s a beat of silence—shouldn’t have done that.

“…thank you.”

He sounds genuinely surprised.

“No problem. I mean, you are dying, after all.” You brush it away with a chuckle, smoothing out the corners of his dollar before trying to slip it in the machine.

“I didn’t know how to get you up here,” he admits, watching you closely. “Though nobody usually responds to my death announcements anymore.”

The machine spits his dollar back out and Loki huffs, trying to shove the bill back in the slot.

“Easy, Loki, stop it,” you laugh, taking the bill from him and trying to flatten it again. “Don’t force it in, just let it take it gently.”

You guide the dollar back in and this time it takes, whirring to life to retrieve Loki’s Snicker bar.

“That’s what she said,” you mumble to yourself as an afterthought, realising what you just said.

Loki coughs behind you.

“Sorry.” You turn around and give him a sheepish grin—he’s a little red in the face, but that might just be part of the facade. “Can’t help it.”

“That’s…quite alright,” he replies smoothly, taking the candy bar as you hand it to him. “Although…is that what she would say?”

“You disgust me.”

“And here we almost had a decent moment.”

“Almost,” you sigh, throwing up your hands in a helpless shrug. “I almost forgot you were Loki, to be completely honest.”

“Ouch. That seems unnecessary.”

“Dr. Laing isn’t completely unbearable,” you continue, holding up a finger to shush him. “So you can take…like, fifteen percent of the credit.”

He rolls his eyes again, ripping open his candy bar. “How gracious of you.”

“No need to thank me.”

You just stand there for a moment, arms crossed as he takes a tentative bite.

“Y’know, you seem more like a KitKat kind of guy.”

“I like chocolate,” he shrugs, “even more so when it comes with caramel.”

“Seriously?” You can’t help but grin—the more you talk to him, the less and less intimidating he becomes. There’s no way you’re letting this guy actually threaten you anymore.

“It used to be considered a delicacy meant only for the gods.” A flash of light fills the room and Loki’s back to Loki, gesturing at himself. “Back before your kind corrupted it.”

“Um, Loki, hate to burst your bubble, but humans invented Snickers.”

“Well, you’re not all terrible.”

Figuring you might as well take advantage of the opportunity, you flop down on one of the couches, staring at the god across from you.

…munching happily on a Snickers.

“Why are you doing this?”

He blinks and clears his throat, taking a couple steps closer. “What?”

“What are you getting out of this, all this pretending to be a doctor, getting hired here?”

“I have nothing better to do,” he answers carefully, studying your face with a quizzical gaze. “I certainly don’t want to be sitting in a cell talking through my emotions, so I might as well be putting my skills to use.”

“You’re actually taking patients??” You can only imagine what happens to them—Loki doesn’t come off as the kind of guy who’s taken his pledge to never harm. “What kind of doctor even are you?”

“To use your terminology, you’d consider me a neurosurgeon.” He sighs and lowers himself onto the couch across from you, still working on that candy bar. “Maybe in part a physician, as well.”

“Damn,” you whisper, undeniably a bit surprised. “That’s…a lot of work—for humans, I mean. Did you go to school for that?”

“I’ve studied my entire life. Never one particular subject, on Asgard w—they steer clear of limiting children’s knowledge to one specific field.”

“That’s pretty smart. Here, you’ve gotta pick one thing and just try to be good at that.”

“Identity can be terribly limiting,” he says quietly, picking at the candy wrapper. “If I identified myself as a ‘good’ neurosurgeon and only that, I don’t think I’d ever have discovered my aptitude for diplomacy, writing, mathematics, anything else.”

Diplomacy, neuroscience, math, writing, chocolate, caramel—this guy has layers, that’s for certain.

“So is this some kind of redemption plan?” You try for a smile, maybe feeling a little bit guilty for laughing before. “Gonna help a bunch of people to prove yourself and then make a big reveal to your brother?”

“That’s not a terrible idea.” He stands and stretches, crumpling his empty candy wrapper and tossing it into the trash bin. “Though I wouldn’t know what to do with myself if I were ever redeemed.”

“You need to meet a nice someone, maybe settle down for the next few centuries,” you laugh, following him out the door as he shifts back into Dr. Laing. “Have a few creepy, greasy-haired babies. Might be good for you.”

He laughs and holds the door for you to leave the room, heading away down the hallway as you wait for the elevator. “That’s the furthest from a future I’d ever want, darling.”

“I’m not your darling, dipshit.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

hope you enjoyed, please reblog and feel free to send me ideas!

~ masterlist link in my bio ~

loki tags: @bluediamond007 @himitoshi @drakesfiance @destiel1597 @dangertoozmanykids101 @archy3001 @jcalpha1 @yzssie @skullvieplu @forthesnakeofdragons @skulliebythesea @wegingerangelica @storiesfrommirkwood @agarwaeneth @adaliamalfoy @laurfangirl424 @paradisaicsam @fitzsimmons-is-forever @ladylokimischief @katelinwrites @tarynkauai @polaristrange @loavesofmeat @canadian-ravenpuff-multishipper @lou-makes-me-strong @holyn0vak @chocolatealmondmillk @swtnrholland @kenzieam @jessiejunebug  @catticas @the-republic-and-face-of-texas @doralupin01 @whitewitchdown @atomiccharmer @falconfeather23435 @babygirlicecream @avengrcs @vethrvolnir2 @bookgirlunicorn @wabisabigrl @myhealingstar @khaleesi-marvel @ei77777 @spacecrumbs @scarlettghost13 @rocks-are-pretty-odd @confessionsofastrugglingteen @easilydistractedwriter @arttasticgreatnessoftheawesome77 @fluffyllamaswearinghats @milktearose @lcyouinhell @h0tshotholland @dontmesswithmemundane @southsidesarcasticwriter @helnik-s @lilith-akemi @fire-in-her-veinz @unlikelysamwinchesteronahunt @mischievousbellerina @kcd15 @mellowgirl01 @lokislilcaribbeanprincess @allthingzhiddleston @scorpionchild81 @lokixme @blue-automne @galaxycharmed @devilbat @kangaroobunny @end-up-well @planetariumx @sarcsep @mrfandomtastic @amaru163 @im-way-too-many-fandoms @caswinchester2000 @kybaeza @wester-than-west @vintagesunshinebitch @adefectivedetective @poetic-nikolai @moonduhsted @kerri-masson @iamverity @innaminitus @spnbarnes @narcissxblack @woohoney @anxiousamandapanda @padmeisgay @authordreaming13 @lokisironthrone @theunknowinglys @highfuncti0ningfangirl @epicfallenismine @stubby-toe-589331 @fandomnerdsarecool @retrofantasyland @arch-venus25 @forever-trapped-in-my-dreams @littleredstarfish @marshyrebelcloud @okie–loki @atterodominatus @stfxlou

[queer-crusader]

Okay update on my life since it seems talking about it doesn’t trigger another panic attack/breakdown:

So i graduated in july right

And with the end of uni, my student funding ends too

So i look for a job bc i cannot sustain myself otherwise

Except the economy is shit, because the UK is handling the pandemic almost worse than any other country in the world (we love that)

Knowing i’ll need some financial support to tie me over, i apply to universal credit

I also know my roommate, who i’ve lived with for 5 years, is moving out in october, and i will need to find someone to replace her or i end up paying £1000/month for living in this flat, which i don’t have of course

Job search becomes more frantic and exhausting and stressful

Also my dad started throwing up at some point and is eating less and is very specific about not upsetting his stomach. This is strange because he is known for his iron stomach and has not thrown up in years. I know my family history, i have my suspicions, but the doctor says it could be an ulcer. It could be fine, but my brain jumps to the worst-case scenario, because why wouldn’t it? More stress

Universal credit gets back to me - application denied

I think, hey, the category they filed me under seems wrong, i should be a habitual resident, not an EEA jobseeker, because i’ve lived here 6 years now. So i apply for an appeal, explaining the situation

Few weeks later, i receive a letter. Appeal rejected. It goes into detail how some rule that was set up in 2016 (Brexit year) lists all the reasons why just living here for 6 years, building up contacts, creating a future, feeling at home, being allowed to vote for Scottish parliament elections, is not good enough. Every sentence is like a punch in the gut. The letter boils down to fancy government words that translate to “you’re a freeloading immigrant who, according to our records, might as well be living in Fiji, and we’re giving you fuck all. Good luck surviving”

Full-blown breakdown ensues, because I’ve been fearing this ever since i arrived but was told by EVERYONE that that fear is ridiculous. I fit in, i belong, i sound English, i’m fluent, i’m passionate and well-educated about local politics, etc. I knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Race doesn’t matter; I’m European, and for the UK government, that’s good enough.

Anyway, cue the next day, and my mum phones me with news

My dad is in hospital. Turns out i was right - bowel cancer. He’s going into emergency surgery the very next day to get a tumour removed

I don’t sleep that night, for obvious reasons

Dad comes out of surgery fine, they got the whole thing, took some extra tests to see if it spread but it’s looking good so far. Meanwhile i have images of my dad, skinny as hell and with a tube up his nose seared into my brain

I fly home two days later to be with my family, who obviously need me

My dad is cleared of cancer, which is AWESOME, but we do learn that if the doctors had waited a couple days longer he could have had a perforated bowel. My mum is furious with the GP who underestimated the case

I get in touch with my landlady, saying “hey, this is my life right now, i am not in a position to search for a roommate replacement. Here’s the pics we took of the flat, can you look yourself? Also, if i don’t find a job by the end of the month, I may have to move out as well due to financial struggles, so keep in mind there’s a chance you’re going to have to look for two new tenants”

Landlady’s reply: “oh i can’t afford for the flat to be empty so i’m gonna sell it now”

So now i don’t even have an option of keeping the flat. I’ll have to move out, job or not. I can’t afford a new flat, and i can’t look for one bc a) pandemic and b) im in another country looking after my recovering dad (who is still losing weight btw, 15kg or 30-something lbs or 2.5 stone in a month, it’s horrible to see but at least he’s feeling a little better each day)

If i lose my flat, i may not be able to get a UK job. If i don’t get a UK job, chances are, i can not return to Scotland

6 years of living here, of building friendships, contacts and connections, skills for a career (which is also down the drain - theatre, an industry that is currently being killed by a lovely combo of the UK govt and the pandemic), a home, a love for the county, an intimate knowledge of the workings here, the language, the system, the stories, the history, i almost know the system here better than the Dutch one - my entire adult life. I may lose.

There is a chance i’ll be able to cling on, and god im fighting for it with the few spoons i have after all this stress, but the chance of me losing everything is equally plausible.

I have now flown back to Scotland where I put myself in self-isolation

In a week, my roommate will have moved out and i have 10 or so days left stuck in this place all by myself

I will spend this time packing up all my belongings, choosing what to take back to my parents’ place with me and what to put into storage, which i will pay for with my remaining savings and some financial support from the parents (they can’t afford much tho, my mum is unemployed and on benefits and my dad is a freelancer recovering from fucking surgery. I have no idea what their financial situation is right now, but apparently they’re okay-ish with their savings. Still, stress, and i don’t wanna burden them even more)

Then there’s the hope that the lockdown won’t have regressed back to that point where every plane is cancelled, and i’m stuck in this country without a place to call my home. (Don’t worry, i won’t end up on the street if this happens, I have friends willing to shelter me until i can fly home if they have to)

And once i’ve left, it’s only a question of when, and more promenently if, I’ll be able to return here, to Scotland.

I have never been this stressed, and i have never been this terrified. I am angry all the time (yes you can read that in Zuko’s voice lmao), I’m exhausted, and i’m fuelled by spite against prime minister Blow-Job and sheer stubbornness in refusing to feel like shit, because i just can’t be bothered with that. I just about manage to get through the day, to get up at a reasonable time, to feed myself, to shower, to exercise (because if i don’t, my wonky hip will give me hell and i’ll be in agony on top of my depression and anxiety. We love functioning bodies). But I’ll be okay. I’m trying to find solutions for everything, one step at a time. I’m taking care of myself the best i can. And if you wonder where my writing updates are, or my shitposts, or my ridiculously excited tags, then firstly, thank you for noticing ohmygod i love you, and secondly, know that i’ll be back. If God exists, know im kicking their ass. Fuck all this bullshit, my life is a mess but i REFUSE to let it stop me in my tracks. I’m too powerful, i am Brian David Gilbert’s interpretation of Sonic (either a god or can kill god and it doesn’t matter which). I’m gonna keep on truckin.

[juminsmysticmc]

RFA with a Mc who comes home with a broken finger

Anonymous said: Rfa's s/o comes home with a broken finger and they don't even notice until someone points it out and they're like "well crap"

Lmao haha. My sister came home after a manicure and my dad didn’t notice  and we were like;;;  she was really lucky, hahah. I mean, she’s 14?! Aish, hope you enjoy it, hahah! 

Jumin

It was a beautiful day and so you decided to go out and play Volleyball with Jaehee. 

Luckily after you and Jumin were married your friend got more days off. 

But something got awfully wrong and so while playing you got hurt. 

Everything got pretty quickly and suddenly you sat on a white chair in a hospital. 

You were in so much pain. 

,,Jaehee I think…oh my god I think I’m passing out because of the pain!’’ you kept crying. 

,,Mc! I beg you! I-I will call Mr. Han!’’ she suddenly exclaimed, making you whine even louder. 

,,He will kill the one who’s responsible, don’t!’’ you sobbed. 

Luckily the doctor could wrap up everything pretty quickly without more damages. 

,,How will I tell him…’’ you asked yourself on your way home. 

But when you arrived and Jumin saw you, he didn’t say a word. 

And apparently Driver Kim didn’t tell him anything yet. 

,,Oh, Father!’’ you smiled brightly and almost forgot your pain while you greeted your father in law. 

,,Hello Mc, my daughter. How are you?’’ he asked you kindly. 

You told him that you were well and then asked him about his well being and while doing so, you put your hand on his shoulder. 

Like always he wanted to pat your hand when he suddenly saw the blue bandage around your finger. 

,,What happened?’’ he asked you, attracting now Jumin’s attention. 

,,MC! Who did this?!’’ he asked you, totally devastated. 

He softly took your hand and looked at it, his eyes seemed teary and suddenly you felt like crying too. 

,,My-my love! Why are you crying?!’’ Jumin asked you and hugged you. 

,,I understand…’’ he mumbled after you stopped whining. 

,,So, no sport for you. It’s too dangerous.’’ he mumbled and kissed you on the front. 

You tried to stop him but it was no use, your husband already prepared everything. 

,,Jumin, my finger is broken. Not my hand or my arm.’’ you tried to convince him while he fed you with a bright smile. 

Zen 

The reason for your broken finger was actually a pretty dumb one. 

You tried to catch something and while doing so you somehow fell. 

Your finger was hurting but even without medical care you knew - your finger was broken.  

For the time being you decided to go to the doctor on your own, you even drove to the hospital! 

But you decided to not tell Zen since he was studying his lines at the moment. 

,,Jagiya, where are you?’’ he asked you after a while through the phone. 

You were already outside, trying to get home. 

,,Oh, I went out with a coworker. But I will be right back.’’ you lied. 

,,No need, Manager….I still can’t believe it…’’ he chuckled into the phone, making you feel bad for lying at him. 

,,Let’s meet at the restaurant with the others right away.’’ he said. 

This actually made you feel kind of happy since the restaurant you were supposed to meet the RFA was three streets further from the hospital. 

And so you could perfectly walk there. 

Zen and you met outside and so both of you entered the hall together. 

It was a beautiful evening although Jumin and your boyfriend argued once again. 

To distract everyone from the topic, Jaehee quickly asked you what happened with your finger, turning Zen’s attention. 

,,Finger?’’ he asked and looked at your hand. 

Just now he noticed that you were hurt. 

He quickly jumped up, causing a loud noise. 

,,WHAT?!’’ he hissed. 

He thought some fan hurt you and was totally worried but luckily you could calm him. 

,,Why didn’t you tell me…?’’ he whined and stroked your hand. 

His eyes never leaving your injured hand. 

,,Because you’re working so hard. I didn’t want to worry you…’’ you mumbled. 

This was like a stab for your boyfriend. 

,,I love my work but I love you even more so please, please please don’t do something like that ever again.’’

Yoosung 

Your husband wasn’t the kind of man who noticed what was new. 

Once you dyed your hair and he didn’t notice until Zen made a compliment. This time it was the same. 

You somehow managed to hurt yourself while playing outside. 

As quickly as possible you went to the hospital and just like you guessed your finger was broken. 

,,Aish....“ you cursed. 

There were a few things you couldn’t do like answer to potential party guests. 

For that reason you called Luciel and asked him to please configure something where you could simply talk and the system could write the email for you. 

A few days later Luciel completed his work and wanted to tell you but instead Yoosung responded. 

,,Hey! Tell your wifey that it’s finished, she can rest her finger now.“ Luciel said. 

,,Finger?“ Yoosung laughed. 

,,Yep. How is she? Do you take good care of her broken finger?!“ he asked his friend who stayed silent. 

Suddenly you heard Yoosung calling out your name and when you turned around the first thing he did was grabbing your hand. 

,,Ohh crap you really broke it!“ he whined and looked at you. 

Now you felt really bad but he soon forgave you for not telling him. 

Jaehee 

It was an awful experience. 

A guest got angry with you and while none was paying attention to you he grabbed your finger and hurt you. 

But you were too scared to even say anything to Jaehee or go to the doctor and so you stayed like that. 

Well, but it wasn’t for long because soon Yoosung asked you what happened and this turned Jaehee’s attention to you. 

Her eyes widened as she saw your blue finger. 

,,WHAT HAPPENED?!“ she asked you, totally paralysed. 

,,Jaehee please nothing-" 

,,Who did this, Mc?!“ she asked you again. 

Soon after you confessed what happened Jaehee approached the man and showed him her skills.

,,Just for you to know, this was self defense and of course legal measures will be taken.“ Jaehee hissed and disappeared with you to the hospital. 

Saeyoung 

Well, to be honest it was his fault that your finger was like that. 

The two of you played fighting and you somehow got hurt. 

It was an horrible pain but you knew, if you would tell him, he would get pretty depressed. 

You knew that it wasn’t his intention to hurt you. 

All he did was tickle you. 

But still, you moved so much that somehow your finger hit the edge of the table. 

,,Ai....“ you whined and made Saeyoung stop immediately. 

,,Oh, it’s already swollen shouldn’t we-" 

,,No it’s okay! Let me go grocery shopping so that I can cook!“ you quickly said and jumped up. 

The day went by and you noticed that something was wrong. 

You gave your best using Voltaren but nothing helped. 

While Saeyoung was sleeping you decided to go to the doctor the next day and indeed, your finger was broken. 

After a light scolding you got discharged and a next appointment. 

,,Where did you go?“ Saeyoung asked you drowsily and rubbed his eyes. 

,,I wanted to go and buy breakfast but nothing looked good so I will use the stuff I bought yesterday.“ you lied and went into the kitchen. 

A few minutes later you all sat together for breakfast. 

You were amazed how your fiancé could just oversee your finger. 

,,What did you do?“ Saeran asked you suddenly and looked at your finger. 

,,Ah, she-wait, is that a gypsum?!“ he suddenly exclaimed and looked at you. 

His face was filled with panic. 

You looked away and so he understood. 

,,You won‘t touch anything these days.“ he whispered and kissed your cheek. 

At least you could relax a bit now....

MASTERLIST 1 MASTERLIST 2 MASTERLIST 3

  04.10.2019// 22:27 MEST

Tagged:

@foreversunshine-love @giulia2372 @sailormoonrocks666

@widya345 @remiliadacalde @r-f-a-journalists 

[dandelionpath]

ANIMAL SPIRIT WORK - MASSIVE HOW-TO

okay because there's not a ton of information out there (at least info that's easy to find without clicking through a bunch of pages and stuff) on animal spirit work and how to do it, i thought i'd try to tackle this issue by writing my own post lmao. (as always, some of this is UPG, but there's also some SPG in this post - shared personal gnosis)

a brief intro: "wtf is animal spirit work? is this that sPirIT anIMaL stuff? how does it differ from normal spirit work?" first, no, this has nothing to do with spirit animals or whatever else you might be thinking of that fall in with that line of thinking. here's my take on animal spirit work explained in one sentence: animal spirit work is working with spirits of dead physical earth animals. it's different from regular spirit work in the way that you're working with spirits of deceased earth animals, rather than spirits of the astral plane or earth spirits that are not of deceased animals (i.e. nature spirits, fae, merfolk, landgods, dragons, houseplants, trees, etc). animal spirit work is when you interact with dead animals, whether it's by finding them around randomly, or by using animal remains to connect with them. you can talk to them, make friends with them, help them to "move on" to the "other side" of death, and even have them help you in spellwork or other magical workings. 

how it works: find an animal spirit. "well, how do i do that, comet?" either find a random animal spirit somewhere on earth, or (the easier way) use animal remains to connect with an animal spirit. talk to that spirit. make friends if both of you want to do so. profit? "what do you mean by 'remains', comet? it sounds disgusting ew." remains are anything left behind after an animal dies. this can be bones or hides (the fur and skin). i guess it's kind of gross, but it depends on your opinion on that kind of thing. circle of life and all that! when finding animal remains in the wild, please don't touch it with your bare hands; you don't know what's been crawling over it or where that animal has been before it got there! grab some gloves, and maybe do a bit of research beforehand (in some places, it's actually illegal to "harvest" certain animal remains. be safe and try to be as legal as possible, those laws are in place to protect the animals and other nature). if you're interested in "harvesting" animal remains, try the 'vulture culture' tag for more information. i personally highly recommend buying animal remains that are already prepared for human contact. oftentimes, the spirit in the remains is used to human contact then, too, and you'll have an easier time bonding with them! check the laws in your country beforehand, though, please. if you live in canada and are wondering where you can legally buy some animal remains, hmu bc I've done a lot of looking around for myself and i can give you a couple suggestions (skullstore.ca skullstore.ca skullstore.ca !!! im not sponsored by them lmao; i actually haven't even purchased from them quite yet, but their customer service is incredible when I've asked questions, and they have so many great reviews, including some reviews from friends/acquaintances of mine!)

how to actually do the thing - with animal remains:

I'll link a couple things at the end of this post that are in other people's words, and that have helped me learn and figure out how to do this whole thang. but let me try and explain it first because i love talking apparently.

step 1. figure out how "dead" the dead thing is. this is where you figure out if there's any spirit at home in the remains. oftentimes, animals will move on to whatever comes after death after they do the whole dying thing. sometimes they stick around, though, for whatever reason (sometimes they're lost and confused, and this is generally when i help them to "move on" to the OtherSide, whatever that may be). how do we do this, though? good question. let me give you some pointers. first off, you're going to want to wash your hands before handling your remains. actually, scratch that, first i want you to use some common sense and figure out whether or not the remains are safe to handle. if they're not, don't touch it! you can do this without touching it, it's just a bit more difficult if you're a beginner to this. however, you can still do it with a bit of patience. now that you're sure you can touch the animal remains, wash your hands before you handle it! it's just respectful and also better for the remains themselves. think of it like you're about to shake hands with a new person. you don't want to shake hands when your hands are all grimy, right? hopefully not. anyways, once you've washed your hands, pick up the animal remains, whatever they may be. get acquainted with the remains (not the spirit quite yet) by stroking the fur, feeling the bone, just touch it and learn your way around it without using just your eyes. if you feel like the spirit is uncomfortable with you doing this, stop doing it. try again another day if you feel like the spirit is starting to panic. once you've become better acquainted with the actual piece of animal you've got in your hands, kind of "knock on the door" of the animal remains. this is by far the most difficult part to explain. you might feel a bit silly or frustrated, but that's okay! you just kind of.... gotta figure it out. If it helps, imagine a door in your mind. Close your eyes if that feels easier or right. Imagine the door being an entrance to the animal's remains, where the spirit resides. Knock on it (don't actually hit the remains, though, that probably wouldn't be appreciated lmao). See if you feel like anything answers. Do you feel anything behind the door? Does anything answer you? Do you feel like there might be anything energetically there? Or does it just feel... empty. Like there's no energy there, like there might be a big void inside? If it feel likes there's something there, congratulations! There's most likely a spirit residing there still! If it feels like there's nothing there, the spirit has probably moved on. That's okay, though, because now you can use the remains for something: either a ritual/magic tool, or you can offer it as a home to any wandering animal spirits!

step 2. say hello to the spirit: again, sit with the remains. get to know the material remains; run your hands over it if that feels okay to do. just sit with it for a while, so that you can get used to each other's presences. if you've just completed step one, ignore all that. make sure you're in a calm and safe and comfortable space when you're going to try to say hello to the spirit. clear your mind. meditate if you need to. empty your mind out as much as you can, or at least calm yourself down so that you're at a good calm and collected blank state to meet the spirit. now: open yourself up to whatever presence might be there. there's a couple ways you can do this with visualizing if you need to visualize. ~ a) visualize a door again. knock on the door and see if anyone answers. b) visualize a cord connecting you from your head to the animal remains. ~ keep yourself open to any presence or energy or shifts you feel. it's important that you don't go into this with any expectations, or else you might start making things up without realizing it. if you notice anything, don't do anything quite yet. sit with your observations calmly and quietly. after a bit, if you can feel a spirit there, say hello! explain who you are, what your intentions are, and that you're not a danger to the spirit. help them to feel safe as they might feel a bit skittish or confused at first. some spirits will jump on the chance to talk with you, and others are a bit more shy. if you can't feel the spirit interacting with you at all, don't worry! either you need to practice spirit communication a bit more, or the spirit doesn't feel like talking quite yet. sometimes they need a bit of help. one thing that Lupa has said that really helped me out with a couple animal spirits is this: "One way to help this along is to basically create a vessel for the animal to use. Visualize the animal, whole and alive, in your mind. Start with letting it just stand there. Don’t try to make it do anything else. If the animal starts to move or speak of its own volition, let it do so at its own pace. This is the spirit taking the vessel you have created and using it as a conduit for communication." [x] if the spirit really doesn't want to talk right now, you can talk to it a bit to reassure it that you mean it no harm and what your whole deal is (aka who you are and what your intentions are). you can kind of talk to thin air if you really want (doesn't have to be verbally, but sometimes it helps if you're not very confident in your spirit communication skills). sometimes it'll help the spirit get used to you and help it feel more comfortable. sometimes the spirit is just not interested in talking, or can actually feel quite aggressive. if this happens, leave them alone lmao and try another day after being around the animal remains to help you both get used to each other's energies. sometimes the spirit will lay dormant for quite a while, or just be very shy. this happens! Bear has talked about his experiences on his blog with a few shy spirits, and I've had a spirit or two that didn't want to talk for a long while. you can carry the spirit remain with you as you go about your days (if safe to do so), and it'll help the spirit get acquainted with your energy. offer it water, a burning candle, spare energy, or some other offerings if that feels right. i feel that it's important to note that it can take days, weeks, even months for some spirits to finally communicate with you. this isn't something for those that are seeking instant gratification or other similar kind of thing. this is a practice and path that takes time and effort! frustration comes with the whole deal of spirit work in general. don't go into this expecting instant results. keep yourself open and patient as much as possible.

step 3. keep talking to it, get to know the spirit. easiest one to explain. get to know the spirit just like you would with any other spirit or human! sometimes animal spirits don't speak in words, and only give off feelings/"vibes", or other non-word communication methods. I've noticed that insects and smaller animals (i.e. rodents) often won't use words. experiment and learn and use the good ol' trial-and-error and you'll figure it all out, slowly but surely!

how to actually do the thing - without animal remains:

this is definitely the more difficult way to do it, but sometimes necessary if you don't have access to animal remains (i've been there!). the first animal spirit I ever met (and one of my best friends) was a bear cub who'd been hit and was by the side of the road. unfortunately my parents were driving and didn't want to pull over, so I wasn't able to get anywhere near it. so i flung my astral body out to it and met it that way. i did have it easy since there'd been a physical body (corpse) that I saw and could use that as a jumping off point to meeting the spirit. chances are, though, that you're not going to be able to find any animal remains around, especially in urban areas! (keep an eye out for roadkill, though, if you really want to have a physical body as a jumping off point to meeting a spirit. roadkill spirits are often very confused, skittish, and disoriented, and most of them want to just move on to the "OtherSide" of death, so sometimes you can help them along with that!) if you have no animal remains whatsoever, here's what you might do:

step 1. find a spirit. this is going to be the most difficult step probably, especially if you're just starting out with spirit work and your senses aren't very strong yet. i'm going to try to explain what to do, but to be honest? it all just comes down to skills (practice!) and luck. the best place to meet animal spirits is parks, forests, or other more "wild" (naturey) areas around you. if you're stuck in the middle of the big city with no nature areas around, try going to a park. it might not be the greatest, but they'll most likely be a couple spirits around. do you know any houses or friends that have animal remains of sorts? the most common remains i can think of and that i've seen are antlers! sometimes their will be a spirit attached to those. for instance, a friend's house has antlers lining their house (her dad is a hunter), and there's actually an entire herd of deer outside their house; it's really beautiful to walk past and energetically see! if you have a friend that has dead animal bits, see if you can sit in the same room with those remains and sense if there's anything there. if there's a house somewhere with animal remains, is there a bench nearby or somewhere you can stay a while without looking like a creep? sit there and see if you can sense animal spirits around there. if there's no animal remains around you at all, then do what I said earlier and go to a park or other naturey area. sit there. calm your mind, make sure you feel at ease. once you're as calm as you can get, let down the walls in your mind and open it up to the area around you. feel the nature surrounding you, such as the trees, the grass, any flowers, even the sky! are there people walking nearby? what does their energy feel like? perhaps there's a few birds (pigeons and crows count!) or squirrels or other critters around - what do their energies feel like? once you've gotten acquainted with your surroundings, open yourself up a bit further and reach a little farther into the energetic spaces. do you feel any unusual energies that you wouldn't expect to be there? any flashes of sudden intuition like there might be an animal spirit around you? this will feel differently than just suddenly thinking of an animal - it'll be a bit more like you know there's something there. if you're not sure if it's your imagination or not, try and send out some energetic "feelers", and check out the space around you to see if there's any unusual energies that you wouldn't expect to be there. if you can astral project/travel in this realm of existence, you can also do this to see if there's any animal spirits about! they're often on a lower vibrational existence/layer than naturally occuring nature spirits (animal spirits are natural and whatever, but like... you know what i mean hopefully lmao). fae and tree spirits that have always existed in spirit form, for example, are often of a bit higher of a vibrational frequency than spirits of animals that used to be physical.  I'm not entirely sure why that is, although i have a few theories. that's another post for another time, though. back to what i was saying earlier, however, if you're going to astral project to look for animal spirits, try viewing things a bit more.... "close to home", than what you'd do when looking for fae and the like. you might not find a spirit right away, as many animals move on to whatever comes after death quite quickly. if you can't find a spirit, keep practicing your spirit sensing skills! and of course, you can always try again another day or at a different time of day.

step 2. greet the spirit. similar to step two of the other list, this is when you say hello to the spirit and introduce yourself. many spirits will be skittish, but certainly not all of them will be! if you're astral projecting, you can approach them with your energy/astral body. if you're not astral projecting, and are just feeling out the space energetically, you can approach them energetically! you might want to physically move closer to where they are, so you don't have to extend your energy too far away from your physical body, as this can often tire you out faster. if you're unsure what i mean by "approach them energetically" or you don't know how to do this, it's really quite simple once you've figured out how to! each entity (including yourself!) has a certain energy signature, a unique energetic presence in existence. when you're feeling around you for different energies, you're most likely sending out some sort of energy of your own to have a presence that is able to feel other energies (and presences). using this energetic presence of yours (i'd call this an energetic body, although it isn't your full energy body), you can move about in the world and interact with other energies. you can actually communicate with other presences using your energetic body! when you focus on your energetic body and put intention into it to say/emit a certain feeling, thought, or any other thing you might want to communicate, this will transfer through your energy into that energetic body (since all of your energy is connected). if you want to say hello to the animal spirit, simply put the intention of a friendly and safe greeting into your mind and visualize it moving into your energetic body. let me know if you need more explanation than that, and i'll hopefully be able to help you out. (also this is all hugely UPG, I haven't really seen/heard anyone saying anything similar to that, but this is what's worked for me) approach with caution and patience in mind. also make sure that you're safely warded and/or shielded, as well as any other protective measures you may want (a guardian spirit is always helpful!). it's best to approach the spirit slowly, without any sudden movements. after all, they are still animals, even in spirit form! extend a gentle energetic presence toward the animal and say hello. after this, do what feels right. trust your gut, your intuition. take cues from the spirit, and you should be fine! not all animal spirits are going to want to interact with people. if the spirit runs away, don't pursue it - treat the spirit similar to how you would treat a potential new human friend. if you ran after a potential new human friend, that'd be really creepy and invasive, so don't do that with the spirit lmao. if the spirit starts to act aggressively or something else along those lines, take the hint and back off. there will be other animal spirits you can get to know.

step 3. invite the animal to spend time with you. if you think you're getting along well with the spirit, and the spirit would be alright with it, ask if you can meet up again sometime. the spirit may not have a good sense of human time, especially since it's dead now, so you'll have to just figure out how to deal with that. i'm not going to completely spoon feed you all this, and things are going to be different with every spirit you interact with anyways! if y'all are getting to know each other pretty well or it feels right to do so, offer the spirit a place at your house. this can sound good to a lot of smaller spirits, especially, since they probably still have a little bit of that animal instinct to find a safe place! don't manipulate them into it, just be cool and normal lmao. be a good person and hopefully the spirit will be good back to you. okay i think that's everything i can think of, really. i'm getting pretty tired and spaced out after trying to explain all that, so i'm going to end the post here lol

links/resources:

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/129535345176/my-dad-found-a-gorgeous-skunk-skull-about-a-year

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/129383060211/hi-so-my-grandfather-gave-me-a-horn-from-a-bull

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/129571554586/do-you-have-any-tips-for-connecting-with-animal

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/tagged/animal-spirit-work

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/153659564901/could-one-potentially-cannect-with-a-species

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/148176794631/i-dont-know-if-this-has-been-answered-or-not-but (this one is just about washing ur hands before handling animal remains lol)

https://therioshamanism.com/category/skin-spirits/

https://therioshamanism.com/2011/04/04/how-to-talk-to-dead-things/

https://therioshamanism.com/2011/05/25/vegan-skindancing/

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/144452081656/when-you-speak-to-spirits-do-they-respond-in-a

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/144204188206/what-is-a-good-spirit-to-begin-working-with-if-you

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/139825580571/what-happens-if-you-have-two-companion-spirits

https://blackbearmagic.tumblr.com/post/142974236946/i-saw-the-fox-anon-and-it-got-me-thinking-do-you

@blackbearmagic

@thegreenwolf

and there’s other tumblrs out there but I can’t think of anyone else off the top of my head at the moment

i really hope this helps some of you to get a good start on animal spirit work! don't be scared to drop any questions in my inbox or DMs (inbox is always best because someone else might have the exact same question as you! but DMS work too if you're uncomfortable ^-^). let me know if you have any success with this as well! i love to hear people's spirit stories and experiences!

[sadttitude]

🥳Quarantine Q&A!🥳

you read that lads??? I SPELLED IT RIGHT! no more """"quarentine"""" or """quarantene""", lol! quarantino

Lovely @rose0jam tagged me hehe 🥰 thank you btw, it's literally 2 am and I can't sleep 🤠🤠🤠

are you staying home from work/school?

Yup! My university is closed. It'll probably open again in August, once it's warmer. Apparently the virus survives best in cold places? ⛄

if you’re staying home, who’s there with you?

My parents and siblings! And my cats, my doggo and my tortoise too (:

Are you a homebody?

Hell yeah! This quarantine thing's not so bad for me 😬😬😬

what movies have you watched recently? what shows are you watching?

I started watching Friends for the first time! It's okay, I think. Loving every single outfit though and it's giving me serious shopping spree needs.

I also watched RuPaul's Drag Race s10 in three days.

I want to watch Peaky Blinders but I don't want to get behind my assignments 😓😓😓

an event that you were looking forward to that got cancelled?

Uhh, honestly, I don't recall any events I was going to attend??

what music are you listening to?

I've been listening a looooooooot to King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard! I finally have time to sit down and research a bit more what they sing about (Billabong Valley sent me on a Wikipedia spiral on Australia's political history lmao; and also Flying Microtonal Banana had me watch some guy build a guitar from scratch and now I want to build my own despite knowing I don't possess any knowledge or skills on that)

ALSO DON'T GET ME STARTED ON THEIR LIVES AT KEXP NNNGGGHHHH EARGASM

what are you reading?

... Textbooks for my university classes... Not. Fun.

But today I read about this chimpanzee named Washoe and it was quite interesting.

Now, for books I've read for my own entertainment, I've picked up again The Book Of Good Love by Juan Ruiz!

I've also been watching Lou Doillon's Instagram live streams where she reads poetry, both in English and French, and sings a few songs. If you want to join, she goes live at 5 pm (French time). Her mom, Jane Birkin (YEAH, JANE. FREAKING. BIRKIN. AN ICON) has been joining the streams and reading too.

What are you doing for self care?

I made my own exfoliating scrubs! And been showering and dressing up every day instead of wearing my pajamas, hurray! 🥳🥳🥳

I'll tag a few people but feel free to ignore it of you don't want to do this 😅

@a-snarling-slytherin @zult-of-zephyr @lesbian-space-ranger @moonie-writes @green-oasis hhhhh and anyone and everyone who wants to do this! 💜

[unproduciblesmackdown]

i was gonna send an ask like "have you considered: 'anger is a type of geography' + 4x11" and then i checked and you actually had! but if you feel like considering it More then here's a free space

oh thanks for these Layers of Allyship re: humoring my repeated [anger geography sign tapping] and checking for things and then sending me asks about it all to invite yet more Consideration.........yeah i feel like i mentioned it at least once in tags or smthing lol??? but here comes yet more consideration / giving it an In The Text post if that doesn’t exist already yet either

the Anger Is A Type Of Geography Quote From Hanif Abdurraqib in question for everyone’s reference:

anger is a type of geography. the ways out of it expand the more you love a person. the more forgiveness you might be willing to afford each other opens up new and unexpected roads. and so, for some, staying angry at someone you love is a reasonable option. to stay angry at someone you know will forgive your anger is a type of love, or at least it is a type of familiarity that can feel like love.

like, yeah sure what with winston originally talking to lauren and mafee about this and taylor Happening to walk in on it, he probably wasn’t necessarily planning to go off on his Indignant Monologue to taylor right then and there, but the fact remains that he was willing to do so, and i definitely think that that wouldn’t be the case if he didn’t have this Respect for them and think that they have respect for him in turn, and if he didn’t also think that that mutual respect is holding hands with mutually valuing each other. like, he wouldn’t say it if he didn’t think taylor might actually listen / consider what he says, and he wouldn’t even Want to say it if he didn’t give a shit about them, because he’s not just complaining about “um i simply ask for more money,” it’s about the fact he Feels Disrespected by the implied deprioritization of tmc employees and that the way this (false lol) choice is presented to them being Unfair and disingenuous. like, you could (and im sure most viewers do) interpret the other stuff he says as just him backing up his “Pay Me” argument when all he really cares about is the Pay Me part, but a) that’s not how We roll and b) doesn’t make sense with winston being just as happy as anyone else in 4x12with taylor Apologizing re: many of these 4x11 points, despite them not saying they were gonna change the Bonus situation lol, and c) it Does make sense to think that the Mutual Respect between taylor and winston matters to him due to [see: the rest of this post]

well wait lol first of all yeah sure the money Must matter to him b/c nobody could possibly be in the world of High Finance as a passion project (except for taylor apparently lmao cuz i mean we know that the Real reason they are determined to stick with hedge fundery (and involved in the first place) is b/c they are the best part of the show and elevate all the other Lesser Elements of it as well) and also we can figure that this was probably winston’s first year working a Big Time Official Job and he doesn’t have the savings that other ppl might when they’ve been in the business multiple years, and this seems to be backed up by lauren referring to him as they guy who’d be the First One Smothered by either taking a bonus cut by 40% or not getting that bonus at all until a whole other year, which, like he seems to also imply, is also Unhelpful in that surely these investment finance people turn around and invest their own finances, and Bonus Now is better than Bonus Then b/c.....interest....Long Shares.......and also just like tfw you want your job to pay you.......but anyways Seriously [next paragraph]

cuz winston *must* be working at Taylor Mason Capital b/c he really values working with taylor more than, say, wanting a job that will make him the most money, or will necessarily look the best on a resumé if he’s just looking to up his stats, b/c yeah, this is sure an unlikely opportunity for him where this is what we’re assuming is his First Fancy Job and he’s getting to be the Top Quant right out of the gate, but he must also know that like, it’s still like “oh so you were head quant at a brand new fund :/” and also he must know that there’s a Risk with said fund and he might even end up having been head quant at a new fund that burned out really quick, super impressive........and, we Know that winston *knows* how good he is at what he does, even though he keeps getting dunked on for that like he’s sooo conceited lol like. he IS that good, sorry!!!! why should he downplay it, we don’t actually see him being one of these shitheads with a fragile ego trying to prove themselves Superior or whatever.....ANYWAYS yeah the point being that, winston claiming to have a lot of offers already in the interview might very well Not be any kind of bluff, and he’d surely know that he could rise through the Quant Ranks quickly enough at some other fund even if he started out as anything but Our Main Quant at those places.......and if Getting Tf Paid Top Dollar was really his primary concern, “go with the brand new hedge fund which doesn’t have Established History / Experience / Clout and has the one big investor but who knows what’ll come next and any business that Just opened is not your safest bet even if you trust in your own skill and in that of your ceo and you Know that even if you’re not immediately destroyed, funds will be tighter / of a Lesser Amount than at a bigger established fund”.........the now-dramatic-irony of him talking about how those Tech Firms Out West pay guarantees, not bonuses.........like, when he was trying to get onboard with axe cap, he was obvs interested in trying to leverage to get Paid more, which is like, not necessarily winston wanting to be a trillionaire but also just how stupidly everyone’s supposed to like Play The Game of negotiating / leveraging / calling your employer’s bluff to get a certain starting salary / get a raise or whatever, dumb as hell baked-in Requirement........discuss your wages with coworkers gang!!! anyways. and but Also winston makes it clear when interviewing for axe cap that Working With Taylor Mason has appeal, even if he’s flippant about it, cuz he’s flippant about all of it cuz that’s his shtick here.....

like, when it’s Taylor Alone who calls him back eventually, he’s fine with meeting up with Just Them, and later on meeting up with Just Them (and the other quants, rip) again, and agrees to work in this lil basement evidently Not on axe cap premises b/c he’d been at axe cap’s offices and this is Not That Place......and yeah him talking about taylor selling axe on using his algorithm in kompenso sure implies that winston has this whole time Assumed that all of this was still ultimately in the service of axe cap.......and he was apparently fine with reporting to Taylor Alone and not getting to rub elbows with any other higher-ups, and he’s obviously pleased well enough with a “good work :)” from taylor and isn’t like “hey be sure to tell axe & co i did this singlehandedly etc” or anything, and he’s not really complaining about the whole “work in this lil basement Not at axe cap hq with taylor mason dropping in at least once to check on you and that’s about it” situation, which obviously is hardly that “You’re A Valued Axe Cap Employee” treatment one might expect if they wanted that.....winston’s glad that taylor called him, he’s trying to appeal to them and what *they* want to see rather than how he tried to go for what he thinks [a place like axe cap] would wanna see like he did in the interview, he’s showing up at this weird basement rendezvous to be on a 3 person quant team of taylor’s, he’s fine to not only do this on his own but also accept those increased demands that make it a [fifty(? or 15, either way) phds would work on this]-Level task, and then he’s glad just to have taylor’s approval at the end of the day.......they Wouldn’t have been able to promise him any leverage of “please do your best work on this” with like, promotions / clout within axe cap or axe-cap-levels of Lots Of Payment b/c like, well taylor wouldn’t outright lie anyways but also Especially wouldn’t if they wanted to keep this quant around for tmc, so winston must never have been asking about that kind of thing

and then, bless your Missing Scene fic but there’s zero canon content re: “uh how/when did taylor break it to winston that this algorithm was for their own fund actually and btw do you want to work for that fund instead,” but presumably it went smoothly enough, he was already happy to Effectively work for them alone apparently even if he still thought that yeah, he was working for taylor who was working for axe........just Yeah altogether it’s evident that “Working With Taylor Mason” must matter more to him than “working with any Other big name financiers” or “getting paid as much as he can get” or “raking in that clout asap to leverage with Other jobs or just like, in general.”

and then of course you have the fact that taylor is Recognizing his ability by calling him back and offering him this job, going “despite your demeanor your skills are superior” and “those other two were sweet, but you’re more talented, i need you,” [praying hands emoji], and giving him this Second Chance and entrusting him with this Solo re: building this algorithm which, unbeknownst at the time to him, is really this linchpin of their hopes & dreams of launching their own secret fund here, and really they must’ve been planning from the start to keep him around if he succeeded b/c it’s not like the algorithm and their whole planned Quant Department wouldn’t continue to be integral to the fund’s success, it wouldn’t really be ideal to have this guy be the one to build an algorithm to reel in an investor who’s working in.....wait for it......billions of dollars here, and then be like, okay bye dude. they must Know how good he is same as winston knows how good he is, and him being Head Quant from the very start was surely never just about mase cap having precious few employees at the very start of things....they could’ve like given him that Lead Position temporarily or whatever, they’re ceo. but they really do value him as like, maybe he doesn’t have the ideal ~personality~ for what fucking ever, either for being Properly Assertive and Impressively Flashy like axe cap might want, or just easy to work with, which taylor would care more about than axe cap would lol, but yknow, they value his Abilities and surely they must also value his efforts re: I Promise To Try and re: his really singlehandedly making that brilliant amazing algorithm which evidently did the trick as they hoped it would

and then......dare i get to the Emotional part of things, the Interpersonal....the anger and the love...............

i mean already when winnie n tay are having their post-math-meetup meetup, aka the first time they’re meeting After their disastrous really-first meeting aka the Interview, you have winston taking a way more grounded approach to this “yeah i want to work for you please accept me” process which is obviously in response to what he thinks Taylor wants from him based on the mess of the interview, evident thanks to winston telling them that he’s been thinking about all of that.......and i mean, part of taylor’s whole thing is they have that grounded approach pretty much always lol, (or try to....Want to...), but they sure seem to Also be bringing this effort to Accommodate him based on the hot mess of the interview, wherein yeah they wouldn’t’ve expected to have to ever interact again with this person they were dunking into the trash (and of course from that Meta Perspective, the scene when originally written was meant to be winston’s only appearance ever), but they really seem to also be bringing a more dialed down approach, letting him talk first and going along with his “you ever done math meetup” intro until he’s the one who changes the subject, and i really see that Head Tilt as a sympathetic one lol, not necessarily like “awww :’0″ levels lmao but still like. they Know he’s likely to have some [emotional vulnerability] re: what last went down between them since they weren’t especially gentle with him then, and they like, demonstrably give a shit about that fact lol. they’re also not just wholly swinging in the other direction to make up for it or anything lol but they’re Also making it clear that, yknow, they’re willing to work with him For Real, not just in this “are you willing to work for me, y/n, okay great” way, but in this way of [winston making an effort to make things easier on taylor] and [taylor making an effort to make things easier on winston] which is already playing out here between them.

and the whole matter of winston’s seemingly genuine Dismay at messing up even part of this exchange, i.e. the “[wince-ston] damn it, sorry,” like, sure maybe he just really wants the job, but [see: everything above about how he Must primarily want to work with taylor re: wanting any of these jobs lol] and, after all, he “oh shit, sorry”s @ them when he’s well-established as their Head Quant in ep 4x08 and generally shows this directed-at-self displeasure at thinking he’s messed something up even without some clear “your (potential) job is on the line” element......he just Doesn’t Want To Disappoint Taylor Themself, doesn’t need some particular fear of further repercussion behind that.

and speaking of Lack Of Fear, you Know we love to point out how kompenso (and really winston’s :/ + “sure, why not :\”ness at the end of 3x09 lol) demonstrates that winston isn’t afraid of taylor either as an [intense and unusually-demeanor'd person who Does apparently strike people as Scary(tm) sometimes lol] or as this Esteemed Rising Star Axe Cap Higher-Up or simply as his de facto boss.........he’s not raring to tell them that the other quants bailed b/c of his own disapproval lol, but he’s honest as soon as they deduce as much, the tone of “fine, yes, big time” + his standing up to get even closer to them instead of just shaking in his desk chair like :c pls forgive me obviously does Not convey that he’s terrified of them, and then the rest of that interaction jsut being like, ugh god so fucking essential, they’re both able to stand face to face and be like I Am Looking Directly At It / I Do See It re: each other, both of them just continuing to be Honest and Direct with each other, God.....taylor might’ve swatted his metaphor away but he was not all that put out, and then they’re Using His Own Language by bringing it back three seconds later, like, yeah sure at this point they have a vested interest in this individual quant (the only one left lol) accepting this Demanding Task, but a) they’re not exactly playing it cool on that front, they Just said “i need You,” it’s unlikely that this is just some all manipulative tactic here by encouraging his metaphor after all lol and that’s hardly their style anyways even if they Can be strategic(tm) about things, and b) they’ve Just Previously adopted his own words lol with winston having said “as for not being a dick” and taylor saying “you backslid into being a dick” (combining His Phrasing with Theirs aka “if you promise not to backslide”....god!!!!!!)

and so then yeah to top it all off winston even ~pushes his luck~ lol by being a lil deliberately rude re: his ex-coworkers lmaoo, and you get taylor’s Reaction to being sort of tested here to be Closing Off Their Expression (speaking of....their tiny lil Eyebrow Twitch when winston infers that he’s making something to pitch to an investor.....god!!!!!! a) winnie n tay and b) emmy) and making it clear that their interest in him acting Easy To Work With was a practical matter......winston watching them go up the stairs, taylor looking back at him as they Ascend and he gets back to his desk.....jesus

the point being!!! they vibe with each other so well by Kompenso already and just *get* how the other operates and communicates and Neither Of Them are offput by the other, Neither Of Them are unwilling or uninterested in meeting each other where they’re at, and each exerting this effort to really work with each other........and how winston is Not intimidated by taylor as either someone who’s so ~weird~ and can be so Intense, or as someone who is his boss lol........which yknow we always also point out as Important re: tayston developing from this point, where taylor would be careful in how they approach winston about fwbship but would feel like it was even reasonable to consider it in the first place thanks to not having to feel like oh he definitely wouldn’t feel comfortable being honest if he wanted to say no / wasn’t sure

also Yeah It’s Billions but winston freely swearing with the F-word when they’re assessing the completed algorithm, which taylor has no reaction to lol.......the both of them being Hyped about this algorithm lol, like, Of Course they’d both be, but it’s fun :)

and then 4x03, with winston not acting terrified about there being potential Algorithm Problems, and taylor making sure to be like “don’t you dare blame latency” lol like which obv he May Have been planning to mention lol since he’s intending to give this technical answer rather than throwing out his Front Running / Interference Theory like mafee then does.....fun little moment too anyways.......taylor Allowing winston’s tangent about being cassandra and emails and “it’s pronounced owned,” like, they’re not raring to Interrupt / cut him off even if it’s Not obvious what he has to say is absolutely crucial and considered relevant by everyone else, and they’re not telling him he’s a stupid idiot and wasting their time or anything else before sending him away.......imagine. and just think about the beauty of winston very intently / earnestly saying his “i’m cassandra: Always Seeing The Future” right to taylor. 

and in 4x08 they build on his metaphor Again after having just Validated him despite everyone else really wanting to do the opposite lol......i “lol” but would everyone else lay off a little Lol......his self-reproach upon Registering that disapproval / oh-no-i’ve-messed-upness again.......then despite winston Standing Right Beside and then Sitting Right Behind taylor they don’t really interact l o l .....we have taylor being all “why is He so happy” and silently observing his Solo “i won” moment, rip, but also congrats.....and then i suppose that covers the Prior To 4x11 stuff lol

just......even re: the relative little we’ve Seen between them up to that point, winston might not have intended to talk to taylor right then, and he might or might not have intended to eventually talk to them in front of anyone else, but You Know He Knows that taylor listens to him, and that he doesn’t have to like, say things in what other people think is The Right And Effective Way to talk (even by billions’s fucking off the shits standards on that front lol), because taylor Does care about what he actually means and what his actual intentions are, not just “oh that very direct/honest thing you said Seemed rude whether you intended it or not”.......the “sad” after his yngwie malmsteen metaphor was the only time they’ve critiqued something like that lol and they then used that metaphor, So, and they’ve copied him calling himself a dick lol, and they built on his Sword metaphor, and they’ve just always been interested in Understanding him and communicating effectively with him, not in trying to get him to communicate differently or just making sure he knows He Should Feel Bad about how he Does communicate, though god knows the latter is something that everyone else seems to be somewhat #about. god knows some axe capper would have that “are you finished?” simply be the Purely Rhetorical intro to their barrage of Dunking-Upon insults, although it sure seems possible that that could’ve been sort of gently dismissive enough anyways to Encourage winston to not be finished even if maybe he would’ve stopped there otherwise.....but everyone else follows taylor’s lead in Not Actually Interrupting Him at any point, despite all the 9_9 and >:| as it were, and like, even though taylor then lets this whole thing end just with mafee going tf off on winston and bullying him into deferring and would-be deference, b/c winston might have this amount of moxie and he might be honest and he might not be scared of taylor (or anyone else here really) but he’s obviously not that assertive and definitely not that aggressive, he’s self-loathing, he’s easily put out, and all of this just bolsters how much it means that he communicates so well with taylor, b/c they’re Not interested in anything that would be counterproductive to actual effective communication but which might be “productive” if they had a goal of wanting to twist his arm about anything or pressure him into acting a certain way or just fueling their own ego or sense of superiority, axe cap style. they Value all his actual input and they have this respect for him where they don’t Want to bully him even if it’s not that difficult, like, yeah mafee was being mean to him for sure and trying to insult him into simply shutting tf up rather than like, actually responding to any of his points or doing anything but reinforcing them, but also winston has been Put Out by milder [negative responses] too, it’s of course more than just “i respect you too much to like, yell at you and try to diminish you”

and Frankly Winston Was Right and he may have been Indignant and he may not have been ~polite~ about it (though like, relative to how he is generally this Direct And Honest, there’s also not all that much evidence he’s deliberately trying to add some extra servings of Rudeness or anything) but once again like with the “as for not being a dick, i can’t absolute guarantee it” moment and the “fine, yes, big time” moment, and the “im sure it’ll go faster without the dead weight; Whoops ;)” moment, and the [talking about the algorithm problems] moment, and him freely jumping in with the “this plan might get us killed (not literally)” and “it’s b/c it sucks that they had to decapitate their dad, also not literally lol....although...” remarks, he’s just like, never afraid to tell taylor something that sure might not be the most pleasant for them to hear, and sure might not be something they Want to hear. and what’s Honest is that he’s Angry about this, and they won’t want to hear that and that they will even less want to hear his Honest Thoughts about why this is unfair, but he’s willing to say that to them, and even though we were like “haha boy winston if this isn’t fixed big time you might wanna quit :/” it’s also like, he must’ve trusted them to not wanna just fire him for lack of reverence to his ceo, and we can Juxtapose this with a) the scene that we’re set up to juxtapose it with, wherein a group of axe cappers carefully tell axe he’s being dumb as hell and might fuck all of them over, and axe tells them all to shut the fuck up b/c He Is Their Sun and he can do what he wants and get the fuck out of here, and we can also juxtapose it with b) winston being jumped on immediately in The Interview for ~lack of reverence~ to the potential employer, putting on this cocksure hotshot act (trying to..) and daring to express confidence in himself and be like “i should be interviewing you” / you should be selling to Me lol......jump to 4x11 and winston is caught off guard, he’s not putting on any kind of act, he’s not trying to appeal to anyone, sure mafee might turn it around on his [last we checked, the quant hates himself]ness, but this wasn’t about Winston Lashing Out b/c he’s angry at himself, he’s angry at Them for not valuing him, for what he perceives as them not even *really* giving them the option of the 60% Now approach, which sure seems to be justified seeing as apparently nobody but lauren goes for it and after winston invokes the Peer Pressure / pressure to seem Loyal / Committed by deferring, mafee immediately uses that [social pressure] to crush his dissent........where was i. right like. winston’s truly just Mad At Someone Else this time, he wouldn’t be here if his self-esteem was so low that he was immediately ready to just accept and absorb this treatment, and he Knows that taylor will actually listen to him which is their fuckin Mutual Respect thing and who tf else does that for him all the time, and he knows that taylor doesn’t value their own ego above everything else Unlike Some People, and he knows that he can be honest and get an honest reaction and that their honest reaction to his honesty is not “ugh you’re stupid / annoying / rude / etc,” b/c he’s Not, and that might be everyone else’s idea of him to some degree, but taylor Gets him better than that

and then you don’t quite have taylor being obviously Angry back, but they’re not exactly thrilled, and letting mafee go off on winston / effectively telling him they expect him to consider That the response and in turn respond back to that, can sure be interpreted as an expression of something a little short of pure goodwill and best intentions towards him here lol......again, i lol through the pain.......winston only has further reason to be angry, his Complaints weren’t resolved in the least and he came in all “i feel disrespected” and surely that’s only been doubled down on, b/c this isn’t Just “pay me goddamnit,” it’s really also just about the fundamental respect itself, which he figured that taylor cares about too, and so this would be something he could appeal to / expect them to earnestly.....he feels like none of them are being valued more than this feud with axe cap, he (maybe) feels like said feud is causing the quants’ work to be deprioritized in favor of more elaborate schemes based on “what will screw axe over specifically,” he feels like he’s not being valued as a Very Important Employee, he feels like this False Choice thanks to Social Pressure is insult to injury, like they’re not supposed to get a real chance to question this. boy i’m really just going off talking about any and all aspects of this huh, where’s the Anger Geography core here

well here it is: winston doesn’t ever talk to taylor in any more Filtered way due to them being his boss / him feeling a need to be more careful around them, if anything, they’re the one person he can be Least filtered around, b/c they care about What He Actually Means and aren’t all hung up on whether his communication style seems gratingly weird / wrong / offputting. winston isn’t bringing any particular leverage to this situation, yeah sure he pointed out He’s Valuable but he also did that in the interview with even less leverage and in the basement when he thought he was just working on some weird side project for axe cap in this remote quant dungeon - he’s counting on them to just Listen To Him and care about what he means, same as he always does and like they’ve done thus far. and he’s Temporarily Burned by this, which is tragic, but then 4x12 happens, and who knows if taylor and winston talked between these scenes at all cuz billions sure won’t say at all, but either way winston sure seems to pick up on the fact that taylor is responding to his Complaints here, the implication they were taking a too-axe-esque approach to them now answered by taylor deliberately differentiating themself from axe, and asserting that they Do value their employees and their contributions, and that taylor has this responsibility to them, and maybe Had gone astray there with the revenge jag but aren’t actually interested in that being the core of everything.........winston is Validated and we realize it and he seems to realize it lol, he definitely Was listened to, and he sure wasn’t like fired or anything, he Could Be Angry with them and that wasn’t going to lead to taylor wanting to sever even the Professional relationship or anything like that. sure seems to be no grudge held between them during the “q is for quantitative, babey” scene there lol and yeah it’s billions and shit moves fast / people will roll with A Lot of mistreatment apparently (see: winston also does not seem to harbor any grudge against mafee here lol but who knows) but the Fact Is, here they are, having found A Way Out Of [Anger], after having had this altercation which wouldn’t even have been possible if Winston hadn’t felt it was possible for them to interact like this, for him to be mad and be honest about that anger and the hows and whys of it and for that Not to be a dead end between them or something that could shatter the relationship entirely. and he was Validated!!!!

and guess who i also love to quote and paraphrase lol i also think of mariame kaba talking about interpersonal Conflict being possible Opportunities in a relationship, because working through said conflict can allow the relationship to grow / deepen / strengthen. which sure seems to Hold Hands with this idea: that you can Be Angry with someone because you already know that won’t break the relationship, and that even if you don’t already know that, going through that experience / process of Being Angry with someone and coming out the other side together will show that the relationship can handle that / will have involved gaining tools to be able to handle that going forward. and really like, we’ve seen winston Forgive taylor’s anger at him right off, and that may not be the sweeping heights of love but it came from Understanding (and....low self-es steam probably lol) but no really, he Shows that he understands why they reacted like that by behaving in this way that he figures is more in line with what they actually want, just talking and being direct with no boxes or [wags] or standard boring interview questions or posturing, showing he’s willing to work with them in the “please hire me” and “i’ll try to Behave” ways lol........and taylor is offering their own patience and sympathy and restraint and Understanding and willingness to bend.......things are happening on an emotional plane between them here.

and then after winston chooses to be on board with mase cap, and after he’s worked for them so long that it’s comp time baby, and after these few Sample Interactions we’ve seen in which taylor doesn’t cut winston down or show contempt for him and they continue to directly or indirectly validate him, winston can be Angry with them and taylor can (definitely Sorta) be Angry back, and winston surely even Stayed Angry after that scene in 4x11, and he didn’t quit, and was that [terrible self-esteem actually lol] or was it him believing that there could be a way out of this state of anger between him and taylor? both?? we get to decide!! b/c he’s sure not Validated and Vindicated until later lol.....what does he sit there on that couch alone in that room and Think in those moments...........and then once things Are better resolved, they have this whole [episode of conflict] in their history, and like is the whole Point of all of this, that’s hardly necessarily just some awful and unfortunate thing.......their relationship can survive something like that, and the conflict sure sparked this kind of Genuine Interaction between them which couldn’t have happened if winston just shied away from all this / kept it to himself because he didn’t think taylor would Listen or Care or Understand. 

and it’s Not Just About The Money, and even when he expresses that he’s upset about this perceived disrespect / not being valued as an employee, we Know that he’s not someone who’s got this need to feel superior to everybody else / like he’s always Winning, and we know he’s not after Maximum Clout, but he does want to Work With taylor and he evidently wants to feel valued By Them, who does happen to be his boss and does have this avenue to potentially treat any employees unfairly. and we know that winston *knows* in this objective way how good his work is, and both winston and taylor have acknowledged that yeah, His Work / professional quantly ablities have value, so winston Knows he should expect for that to be valued in the form of “your quantributions are important and you’re getting paid to reflect that”........and that he feels like he’s for once not being Allowed Honesty re: everyone supposedly being pressured into deferring is like..........what do he and taylor have if not earnest, open communication b/c they both value and respect what the other Really Has To Say!!!!!! that’s winnie n tay and it’s also tayston.

which, speaking of which, Sidenote: when it comes to tayston hcs we generally have this as a “they’re not currently doing Their Thing at this point anyways, and maybe the fact that that’s been ended (and they Haven’t been talking through this particular conflict yet) is adding to the tension / anger / feeling of not being valued hahaha rip” deal lol, but also if they Were still currently in their fwb/[???]ship like obviously this would spill over and probably require an at-least-temporary halt to give everyone some space seeing as it’d be a little impossible to truly completely Set That Aside in the recent aftermath l o l ......but despite the lingering tension / awkwardness that would be present whenever they Do next meetup [imagine: an I Was On The Phone With You, Sweetheart phonecall prior to 4x12′s scene?? wrow] the layers to that ensuing sex lol......reunion sex? makeup sex? not-hate-sex-but-maybe-still-needing-to-vent-a-lil-Emotional-frustration-maybe sex? maybe all of the above and more

ANYWAYS even i don’t know why this is so long, and also it’s 7am. i definitely think that winston trusted taylor and the Relationship between them to be able to handle Anger (his, for once, lol) and for that Anger to even potentially be something Constructive. and he was right. and in 4x12 he’s there with them at the very end, wearing the tmc logo, standing behind them in the hellhole which is axe cap hq, knowing that taylor is the one person (here, certainly) who definitely Gets and who’s Got him, who’s asserted this loyalty and commitment to him after he’s certainly done that re: them, and once again winston definitely has this Choice to be here with them just like he must’ve had that choice to join up with their fund in the first place, he’s never been trapped with them or forced into alliance with them, and we just Know that he’s not choosing to be here just for Linkedin reasons / what’s best for career advancement and/or for raking it in as best as he can manage and/or for gaining clout and status or whatever, and we sure never see him reaping some kind of deluxe treatment/benefits just for being closely associated with taylor / having their approval. everything we see points to winston caring most about what happens between him and taylor and that he gets to work with them and that he’s here because of that mutual respect and value for each other. 

and really, the show also repeatedly tells us that winston Does basically have these world-class abilities and *is* that valuable, and we know that winston Knows how good he is, and he must’ve legitimately had all those offers and known that he’s really good enough that these places Should compete for him. he must’ve known that he has this Potential here and all of these options laid out in front of him, and he takes taylor’s call and shows up in a basement for them and singlehandedly writes an algorithm good enough to found their fund upon and he follows them there when now he’s got this Proof of just how incredible his work is and could’ve leveraged that anywhere else. but his relationship with taylor has always had this personal aspect to it and the fact is that, even with his choice of Paths laid out in front of him, he chose and keeps choosing the geography of winnie n tay. Love. thank you and goodnight

[yo-namine]

Okay, time to talk to myself about Re:Mind and Limit Cut Episode. 

Spoilers galore under the cut!

I'm just gonna start off by talking about how the DLC handled my biggest gripe with base KH3, which was obviously how Kairi was written in the last few hours of the game. Like I said in my other post, Re:Mind doesn't totally fix those problems, but... Well, here's what we get:

Kairi's "murder" is reframed a bit in the DLC. Base KH3 presents it as Xehanort killing her just to provoke Sora et al. into "clashing" with him to make the final key. In Re:Mind, we learn that Xehanort was actually stowing Kairi away (by "crystallizing" her, which... means she wasn't dead? But Sora still takes all the steps Chirithy gives him that are specifically for restoring a heart from death, and it works, so...?) as a fail-safe of sorts in case he needed another Light. Xemnas foreshadows this a bit when he says that Kingdom Hearts needs the Princesses of Heart in case the whole 13 Clashes of Light and Darkness thing doesn't work out. And for what it's worth, I do think this is a little better for Kairi as a character just because it shows that she was "killed" due to something unique and special about her, rather than what she was to Sora. She's still being used, and she's still sapped of her agency, but presumably no other character could have worked in that role against Xehanort, so... that's something, I suppose.

During the Xemnas/Saix/Xion fight, there's an added scene where all the Lights get to take a shot at Xemnas, and Kairi actually broke that motherfucker's guard and made him stumble when no one else could... And then she got captured, bloop, but at least this time it was because she was actually fighting and simply got bested. I can appreciate that. I liked seeing her shield Axel from Xion's attack, too.

And of course, she does get the chance to take on Xehanort later. She has a nice battle set-up (a sort of warp dash ability similar to Riku's and Roxas's, shotlock, reflect, and a GORGEOUS link attack with Sora), and it's a little cathartic to play as her taking Xehanort down. However, I don't think she ever learns that Xehanort took her as a safety measure for his plan or why she was the one chosen for this in the first place. She doesn't speak to Xehanort at all, which makes her big battle with him at the end feel rather... impersonal? And never mind him "killing" her in KH3; Xehanort's ultimately responsible for her losing her family when she was four years old, as well as the destruction of her home world. I'm not saying Kairi and Xehanort needed to have some long overwrought conversation or anything, but there definitely should've been some dialogue between them.

Kairi's actually involved in Naminé's restoration after all!!!!!!!! I remember the Ultimania's explanation of Naminé's return leaving a bad taste in my mouth because it seemed like they framed Kairi's death as ultimately a good thing, because hey, at least her murder freed Naminé from her heart. But that's not what actually happened; instead, Kairi and Sora go to Radiant Garden at the end of the game, and she lets him use the keyblade to release Naminé's heart from hers. And honestly, that scene right there? That was probably my favorite part of this entire DLC. The fact that Kairi really did play a part in restoring her Nobody is a much better payoff to her earlier lines in the game about wanting Naminé to have her own experiences. She wanted to give Naminé her life back, and rather than that being something wrenched from Kairi against her will, it was something she did for Naminé of her own volition.  I just. 😭

/tl;dr thoughts on kairi

As for everything else in Re:Mind:

I loved the background moments with Sora and Kairi in the ending cinematic. Each one is framed so that you can't see their faces, so they all feel like you're looking in on something secret. The "Behind the Curtain" trophy name is pretty fitting (and just downright cute, lol). And like I said above, I loved the scene where Kairi and Sora restore Naminé's heart. You just see him pull the keyblade away from her chest, and then she cradles Naminé's heart in her hands and fjsldfjskd. I teared up at that. It was just such a sweet and gentle little moment. Sora and Kairi taking Chirithy to Ven (and Sora even giving them a little push, lol) was really sweet, too. I loved their body language while they watched Ven run off, how you see them turn toward each other just slightly.

I also like how Sora and Kairi's relationship evolved from "Even if we're apart, our hearts are always connected" to "Heart connections are nice and all, but I'd much rather actually be with you."

Demyx and Riku interacting was something I never knew I needed. Riku's like "PLEASE be careful with that vessel, it's very important--" and Demyx is just "Bro, I got this," and hoists it over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Sora and Roxas actually talk to each other! I liked the scene where Sora's Station of Awakening starts to peel away to reveal Roxas's, and you get little glimpses of Roxas's memories. And it turns out that Sora actually did release Roxas's heart from his, and it wasn't just Xemnas kicking Xion into his chest that did the trick, lmao. I like that change.

Xemnas mentions that the original Organization doesn't remember Xion, but they do have records of her. That's a nice little tidbit to have for my Day 4 AU. 👀

Saix says the Guardians must be desperate if they're getting a Princess of Heart involved in the war, and Axel's like "Nah, she's our trump card." Aw. I also thought it was interesting how Saix purposefully uses Axel and Roxas's names to try to trigger Xion's memory of them.

I had to watch the recusant's sigil bit like four times before I understood what the hell was happening, lmao. The sigil represents the Sea Salt Trio's actual connection to one another that they had to "reclaim" from Xemnas, which... okay, but why was that needed? The thing I always liked about this trio is that they're the only one that we see develop fully from the beginning to the end of their relationship. They were always the most believable (canon) trio to me because of that, so throwing in this whole "The sigil binds us together!" thing just seems kind of stupid and unnecessary. They're friendship is good enough as-is. You don't have to add in this nonsense to represent their bond; their relationship development itself already did that. But whatever, they still had a really cool combo attack.

Scala ad Caelum is expanded on! I really enjoyed exploring it and solving the little puzzles to put Kairi's heart back together.

I LOVED THE GUARDIANS VS. NORT REPLICAS BATTLE SO MUCH I HAVE TO YELL ABOUT IT. I ACTUALLY DIED THE FIRST TIME BUT I DIDN'T CARE THAT I HAD TO REPLAY IT BECAUSE I WAS HAVING SO MUCH FUN. THE TAG TEAM ATTACKS!!!!! AQUA, XION, AND MICKEY'S COUNTER-ATTACK!!!!!! EVERYONE ACTUALLY WORKING TOGETHER!!!!!!!! IT’S ALL I EVER WANTED!!!!!!!! 

There are so many cute dialogue exchanges during the Guardians vs. replicas sequence, too! Ven and Roxas compliment each other, Aqua scolds Axel for talking too much (twice, I think? Axel fusses at her the second time, lmao), Terra says something to Riku that I couldn't quite catch, and Riku's like "All thanks to you!" It's just so cute and charming, and it really made the Guardians finally feel like a team.

Mickey Mouse straight-up Boromir-ing his way through the Nort replicas was... I think I loved that? Yeah, no, I loved that. I was laughing through half of it because I kept getting knocked back, but it was a great sequence (visually and gameplay-wise).

Connecting all the keyholes was very satisfying, and was just a beautiful visual altogether.

Sora and Kairi's reunion was adorable. And then Sora sees Goatanort enter the scene, and he just looks at Kairi and is like, "You ready, B?" and Kairi's like, "FUCK yeah, I'm taking his trachea through his kneecaps!!!!!" Okay, not really, lmao. Actually, Kairi's surprised when Sora asks her that, like she didn't expect him to let her help, or maybe she felt like she wouldn't even be able to, but she says she's ready anyway. Kairi’s under-confidence in her fighting skills is a little more apparent in the DLC. Like she says "I can do this" right before the final battle, but it comes off as her trying to reassure herself. She even has a counterattack where her battle quote is "Please work!" and I don't remember hearing her say that in the base game. Girl knows how outclassed she is compared to most of the other Guardians (and Xehanort), but she fights like hell anyway. Attagirl. 🎉

And as for Limit Cut:

Aww, I love that Terra calls Riku "a great leader."

Cheers to David Gallagher for saying "Are you sure about this?" with the exact same inflection as the John Cena meme.

Riku's a master now, right? When will he get some spiffy keyblade armor???????

Okay. Riku is having dreams about looking for Sora. Sora is dead (?), and "the edges of sleep and death touch." Kairi has been asleep for the past year so that the Radiant Garden team can study her heart in effort to find Sora. Nomura? Nomura? Nomura. You cannot fuck this up, man. You can do this. You can write the Destiny Trio working together again. You can write a full story in which Kairi has an active role. You can write her and Riku interacting. You can do it. I believe in you.

The data battles are so hardddddd. I wound up just watching all the LC cutscenes on youtube, lmfao. But I do want to try to beat at least some of these bosses. Tragically, Riku is TRAPPED IN MERLIN'S HOUSE, so you can't leave to grind or anything. Boo.

I don't really care about Yozora. I think we got a confirmation from Sora that Nameless Star is Stella (?), and that's cute for her I guess, but I genuinely don't care, lmao. But I definitely understand the compulsion to include beloved characters from old cancelled projects in your newer ones, so I hope Nomura has fun with that. ...That sounded sarcastic, lol, but I meant it. I hope he gets to do something cool and creative with this recycled cast. It just might not be a story I'll end up following, is all.

Data greeting is SO much fun. I sank a couple of hours into that the other night just creating scenes and playing with effects. The controls are really easy to use, and it's even fun to just explore environments like Radiant Garden and Scala ad Caelum without messing with photos at all. I hope we can unlock more character outfits and poses in the future, but I can definitely enjoy it as is for now.

Overall, I'm pretty happy with this DLC. True, about half of Re:Mind is a rehash of the Keyblade Graveyard scenes with some extra content here and there, but it's sort of justified story-wise since we're in a timeloop. I enjoyed the extra Kairi scenes and the interactions between the Guardians the most. Limit Cut is mainly just bonus bosses, but like I said, I do want to actually beat those once I can figure out a strategy for them. And I'm obviously having way too much fun with Data Greeting, lmao, so yeah. Not a bad update.