#OH HELL NOOOOOOOOOOOO

[hauntingblue]

Hiyori is the most effective person to complete their kill so far

[ham1lton]

just a normal girl.

pairings: charles leclerc x comedienne!reader.

summary: just a normal girl is a stand-up netflix comedy special performed by actress and comedienne y/n l/n in which she discusses her childhood, her horrible first meeting with her boyfriend and being a twenty something in london.

author’s note: based on that one anon’s dream but i changed it up slightly! also eid mubarak to all my muslim followers celebrating today! this is for you <3 i also have a new taglist so please help me out by filling it if you’d like to be tagged in future works!

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JUST A NORMAL GIRL TRANSCRIPT.

Y/N L/N: so, charles decides to take me shopping. fancy, right? we walk into this chic little boutique and, surprise, the shopkeeper only speaks french. now, i don’t speak french. at all. my entire french vocabulary consists of 'oui' and 'croissant.' meanwhile, charles is chatting away like he’s in a romance film, all suave and shit.

[audience laughs]

Y/N L/N: and there i am, standing there, smiling and nodding like i understand every word. for all i knew, charles could be telling the guy, 'this is my new project. she thinks monaco is in morocco. and i’ve been dared to make her over like that one freddie prinze jr film.' and i’m just like, 'yes, absolutely. très bien.’

[audience laughs harder]

Y/N L/N: so charles is chatting to the guy in french as they go through the boutique and he inevitably finds this gorgeous dress. he hands it to me, all excited, like ‘try it on! you’ll look stunning’ and i look at the price tag. why was this dress more than my rent? for that price the dress needs to fill my fridge, put shelter over my head and fly like a magic carpet.

Y/N L/N: i exit the changing room, because when a cute guy asks me to do something… i can’t say no. i can’t help it! i can’t say no to pretty faces!

[audience laughs]

Y/N L/N: charles is looking at me in this dress like i’m an angel from above and i’m calculating the amount of ramen noodles i’ll have to buy to smooth over my overdraft. maybe if i wear it every day for the next sixty five years, it’ll work itself out? then charles chats to the shopkeeper and points at me and then at charles and i’m thinking… what the hell are they saying about me. he’s probably telling charles ‘this girl is not for you. she’s very clueless and can’t handle the high life you are accustomed to’.

[audience boos the shopkeeper]

Y/N L/N: oh no, don’t boo him. he was right. i was clueless and unable to handle the high life. charles looks at me smiling like ‘should we get the dress?’. on the inside i’m like, NOOOOOOOOOOOO but on the outside i’m like, oh sure, yeah, why not. but he rings it up and says ‘that’ll be 32,489 euros please’ and i want to die. but then charles just hands over his card and i remember… i’m dating a guy who probably earns my life savings in a day. life goals, am i right ladies?

[the ladies in the audience cheer]

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liked by netflix, charles_leclerc and 483,938 others.

yourusername: tfw your netflix special is number one for two weeks so ur man buys u two flower bouquets. guys get please me to three so i can get another <3

also i have had a recent influx of followers? so hi. i’m y/n, i act and i think i’m funny sometimes. if you’ve watched my netflix special? mwah <- that’s me kissing your forehead.

view all 2,737 comments

charles_leclerc: not you cheating on me in your caption ☹️🙁

-> yourusername: sorry you had to find out this way <3

user1: omg is she muslim?? and a hijabi??

-> user2: finding yn… inshallah they find her.

user4: NOOOO HE’S TAKEN….

-> user4: BY A BADDIE TOO…. NOOOOO

maxverstappen1: made a netflix account to watch you and it was good! 👍🏻

-> yourusername: thank you user maxverstappen1. always appreciate the support from grassroots fans such as yourself.

arthur_leclerc: wait was the kidnapping story real?

-> yourusername: obviously! i have never lied in a comedy special. exaggerated, perhaps, but never lied! what sort of woman do you take me for?

user6: why can’t we see your face in any of these pics?

-> yourusername: because you can see my face on netflix in hd in my new comedy special - just a normal girl :)

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JUST A NORMAL GIRL TRANSCRIPT.

[spotlight on y/n l/n standing center stage, audience is attentive]

Y/N L/N: the first time charles invited me to a formula 1 race. i know, right? fancy! i mean, i usually spend my weekends binge-watching netflix in my pajamas, and suddenly, i’m in the vip section at a grand prix. talk about a plot twist.

[audience laughs]

Y/N L/N: so, we get there, and i'm already feeling out of place. everyone is dressed to the nines in designer outfits, and i’m wearing the only fancy dress i own, which is basically just a black dress i got on sale at h&m. but i’m trying to fit in, pretending i know what’s going on. spoiler alert: i have no idea what’s going on.

[audience laughs louder]

Y/N L/N: charles is introducing me to all these important people, and they’re all speaking this mix of french, italian, and who-knows-what. and i'm just standing there, smiling and nodding, because that’s my default mode in these situations.

[audience laughs]

Y/N L/N: then, charles introduces me to his team, and they start explaining all these technical details about the car. and i’m thinking, 'wow, this is fascinating,' but honestly, it sounds like they’re speaking another language. they could be telling me the car runs on unicorn tears, and i’d just nod along, 'ah yes, absolutely. unicorn tears. very efficient. not very sustainable though….’

[audience laughs]

Y/N L/N: alright, so while we’re on the topic of my boyfriend, let me tell you about the time my family found out i was dating a rich formula one driver. you’d think they’d be excited for me, proud even. but no, my family? they just saw dollar signs.

Y/N L/N: so, i’m visiting my family for the holidays, and everything is going well. we’re having dinner, catching up, and then my aunt, bless her heart, leans over and whispers, 'is it true? are you really dating a formula one driver?' and i’m like, 'well yes, aunt sarah, it’s true.'

Y/N L/N: now, my family is not subtle. at all. within minutes, it’s like they’ve formed a council of war. my uncle pulls out his phone and starts googling charles. my mom is like, 'how much money does he make?' and my dad is suddenly very interested in the price of sports cars.

Y/N L/N: i’m sitting there, trying to eat my mashed potatoes, and they’re plotting how to get charles to invest in my cousin’s failed business. my cousin, who once tried to sell homemade kombucha and ended up giving half the neighbourhood food poisoning. that cousin.

[audience laughs heartily]

Y/N L/N: my brother, always the opportunist, chimes in with, 'hey, maybe he can get us a discount on a new ferrari!' like it’s a shein code that you can input on the website and i’m just sinking lower in my chair, wishing i could disappear.

Y/N L/N: so, i finally snap. i stand up and say, 'look, i know i’m broke, but i’m fine. i don’t need to use charles as an atm. he’s not a walking bank account, he’s a person.' and they’re all just staring at me, like i’ve grown two heads.

Y/N L/N: then my grandma, who hasn’t said a word all night, just quietly stands up and says, 'well, if he’s that rich, maybe he could at least buy us a new dishwasher. the old one is on its last legs.' and i’m like, 'seriously, grandma?'

[audience laughs louder]

Y/N L/N: but you know, through all this, charles has been amazing. he’s patient, understanding, and he never makes me feel bad about my financial situation. i’m broke, but i’m fine. and honestly, i think that’s what makes us work. i keep him grounded, and he... well, he reminds me that sometimes, it’s okay to splurge on the extras.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Y/N L/N: but here’s the thing about dating someone like charles. the highs are incredible, but there are lows too. there are moments when you feel like you’re in a fairy tale, and then there are times when reality hits you hard. like, after that amazing day at the race, we got home and charles was still buzzing from the win. and i… i was just exhausted.

[audience quiets down, listening intently]

Y/N L/N: i remember lying in bed that night, charles fast asleep beside me, and i couldn’t help but think about how different our worlds are. he’s out there living his dream, racing cars and traveling the world, and i’m just trying to keep up, trying to fit into a life that sometimes feels so foreign to me.

Y/N L/N: it’s hard, you know? being with someone who’s so extraordinary when you feel so ordinary. there’s this constant fear that one day he’ll wake up and realize he deserves someone who belongs in his world, someone who isn’t just pretending.

[audience is silent, reflective]

Y/N L/N: but then i look at him, and i see how much he loves me, how he looks at me like i’m the only person in the room, and for a moment, all those doubts fade away. because maybe, just maybe, being a normal girl is exactly what he needs in his extraordinary life.

[audience applauds softly]

Y/N L/N: thank you for listening, everyone. you've been amazing! enjoy the rest of your night. i know i will!

[spotlight dims, y/n exits to a heartfelt applause]

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liked by ynwifey, f1wags and 587,828 others.

yourusername: birds of a feather, we should stick together 🎶

tagged: @charles_leclerc

view all 34,937 comments

user1: SHES SO PRETTY

-> user4: BADDEST BITCH

user9: mashallah sis! you look gorgeous :)

*liked by yourusername.*

user10: a billie fan!!!! omg!!

user89: charlesyn is so cute. funny gf x pretty bf.

-> user12: the way she is also pretty gf but he isn’t funny bf 😔

landonorris: no one wants to see happy couples on the timeline thanks x

-> yourusername: unfollow me x

-> landonorris: but who will make me laugh then 😔

-> yourusername: knock knock 😋

-> landonorris: who’s there 😁

-> yourusername: single 🙀

-> landonorris: single who? 🤨

-> yourusername: single you! still waiting for a punchline and a date 😊

-> landonorris: 😔

-> randomstalkerfan1: i’ll date you lando! :D

-> landonorris: would rather stay single thanks x

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[rwac96]

Bad Luck Amuck (RWBY Shitpost)

Qrow: *shaking his flask* "Empty. This can't be good."

Ruby: *approaches* "Uncle Qrow, what's wrong?"

Qrow: *exhales* "Ruby, I'm outta whiskey."

Ruby: *smiles* "So, you won't get drunk and be smelly for a while."

Qrow: *serious* "Ruby, do you remember what my Semblance is?"

Ruby: *blinks* "Luck--." *realization* "Oh, fudge."

---

*Yang was riding Bumblebee, until the front wheel suddenly lost a bolt, came loose and the cycle tipped over, causing Yang to be flung across the Valeian street*

Yang: *tossed* "CRAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!!"

*Pyrrha and Jaune are sitting at a diner, enjoying an outing and it seems like Jaune leans in to kiss his partner...until Yang crashes in through the window and crash lands on the knight*

Pyrrha: *horrified* "Oh, Gods!" *stands up* "Jaune, Yang--Huh!?"

*Jaune did end up kissing...Yang, who quickly gets up, red-faced*

Jaune: *confused* "YANG?!"

Yang: *blushing* "Oh, Gods! My bike lost a wheel, I wiped out and I got smooched by VB!" *covers her face* "My luck can't get worse than this!"

*Yang is then lifted up by her gauntlets...by an unamused Pyrrrha, brandishing Milo with murderous intent*

Yang: *eyes widened* "It was an accident! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!"

---

*Weiss was in a sparring match against Cardin and she was about to fire some Ice Dust until the chamber in Myternaster jammed*

Weiss: *alarmed* "What!?" *presses the trigger again, nothing* "No! Not now!"

Cardin: *tightens his grip on The Executioner* "Perfect!"

*Cardin charged towards Weiss, swinging his mace and landing a devastating blow upon her stomach, hurling her towards the edge of the arena and shattering her Aura*

Weiss: *on the ground* "Ugh! Weapon jammed and beaten by that brute. This can't get any worse--."

Coco: "HEY! Where the hell are her panties?!"

Weiss: *blushes* "WHAT?!" *she quickly tugs her skirt down...accidentally tearing her entire dress off...now naked for all to see* "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

---

*Blake was sprinting with all of her ability, fleeing from an angry mob as she had lost her bow...her feline ears exposing her Faunus Heritage*

Enraged Valeian: *brandishing a gun* "GET HER! GET THAT ANIMAL!!"

Radicalized Youth: "HANG HER!!" *holding a noose* "I GOT THE ROPE RIGHT HERE!!"

Blake: *running* "I told Ruby I didn't want to dogsit Zwei, and this happens! This can't get any--!"

*Blake bumps into something, no someone...a White Fang Member and their comrades...recognizing Blake, who was now surrounded*

Blake: *tearing up* "N-No...."

WF Grunt: "DEATH TO THE TRAITOR!!"

Radicalized Youth: "KILL HER AND THE OTHER ANIMALS!!"

Blake: *cornered, sobbing* "Brothers, NOOOO!!!"

---

Ruby: *pale* "Oh, no. I gotta warn--UGGHH!!" *she keels over, clutching her stomach* "Oh, Gods!"

Qrow: *alarmed* "RUBY!!"

Ruby: *growing paler* "I think... I think that brownie was worse than bad..."

[asleepyy]

ngl i was kinda expecting to see azazel just plain discorporate from the wound without dissolving their body too since it looks like there wont be a fire but OH MY GOD THAT WAS WORSE. THAT WAS SO MUCH WORSE. FUCK YOU HEAVEN, FJCK YOU HELL, FUCK....... AUGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH I XANT WAIT TWO WEKS FOR THE NEXT ONE NOOOOOOOOOOOO

(kinda wanna write a fic where the body is left.... but i wont . unless. i dont know. depends on how heartbreaking the next installment is) (which i trust it will be Bad. ough( (amazing work as always btw <3)

AHAHAAAAA yes, well!! sorry you guys actually had to wait so long, but, new update this week ^_^!

(if you ever to write the fic....let me know >: ) )

[manicplank]

Headcanon to being sprayed by water

LMAO

Sprayed by water

Peppino: Ahh! What the hell? Why would you do that?! He may not smell the best sometimes, but there's no need for that!

Gustavo: HEYYY! Why??? That hurt his feelings. :( Big meanie.

BONUS Brick: EEEK! EEEEEK! EEK EEK EEEEK! (Not a fan.)

Mr. Stick: Ah, ack! Not the suit, NOT THE SUIT! This suit costs more than you're worth!!! Asshole...

Pepperman: Oh... Thanks??? He was feeling a bit dehydrated, but aren't you supposed to drink water? Whatever. NO, DON'T SPRAY THE CANVAS, IT'S NOT WATERCOLOR! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

The Vigilante: ..... Why... Just... Just why? What the hell is your problem? He didn't do anything to you! You're lucky that's not a crime, 'cause now he wants to arrest you.

The Noise: HISS!! HISSSS! REEEEEE! He starts running and bouncing off the walls as you keep spraying him.

Noisette: HEY! She's gonna get you back for that! She pulls out a military grade water gun. By the time she's done shooting you, you're nothing but a skeleton. Oops...

Fake Peppino: Hehehe! That tickles! He tries to catch it in his mouth like a dog with a hose. Spray it at the floor, and he'll try to get it.

Pizzahead: Heyyy... That's not nice! How rude! Hey, you should smell that flower he's wearing. PSYCHE! It's one of those water flower pranks! He totally got you back!

Pillar John: He just kind of looks disappointed. "I'm not a cat." He's kind of stuck in the tower... But if he wasn't, he would totally get you back with a water balloon!

Gerome: HEY, WHAT THE [TAUNT SFX]?! WHY? HE'S JUST TRYING TO DO HIS JOB! He swings the mop and gets you wet with gross mop water. Ewww...

[itoshi-s]

what if the itoshis punish their sweet little sister for being a brat? She's such a crybaby and a cutie so most of the time Rin just lets her be. But that's not the case with Sae! He needs to teach his lil stepsister some manners right? He's not coming home from Spain just to be greeted by his bratty little sister. He understands why Rin doesn't like punishing you but actions have consequences <33

I'm back with more hehe<3333 how are you?

FUuuuUuUCUKKKK OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO iam goin g to fucking leap myself out the window WHY WOULD U DO THIS TO ME !!!! @_@

i already have a longer thirst coming up 4 this iasfhais an ask similar 2 this has been sitting in my inbox for like ,, weeks now asjhfisa BUT i promise it'll be good .. i just .. i just cannot put it in words how BADLY i love this scenario !!!!!!!&lt;;/3

rin's the one their little sister stays with all of the time, it's always been this way ever since sae first left so it's only natural he's grown so soft for you! he really fucking wishes he could shut that bratty mouth of yours sometimes, but he just cannot bring himself to do it. not when you get so teary eyed over the smallest touch, cling to him 24/7 even around his teammates. you're so good for him, his best girl :(

even when you brat around, give him the cold shoulder for spending too much time at practice and away from you, and dodge his kisses as some sort of fucked up punishment - all he wants to do is shower you with his love :( he knows where you're coming from - and how badly it affected you when sae came back a whole different person, not giving you his usual smiles and playful comments anymore :( how you felt like the whole world shattered. it's only fair he makes it up to you by being the best nii chan he can be <3

BUT, as soon as sae's back from madrid and notices the way you roll her eyes at rin..how you talk back.... it makes him stir akfhas EVEN if it's aimed at his brother!! he lets you keep up this act for a little while until it ricochets back at him - until he hears you grumble something under your breath, about how he didn't call or text you enough and that u wonder what else could be more important than his sister.

"what the hell are you two doing when i'm away?" it sounds so embarrassing as they have you on your knees, face and chest pushed into the mattress and ass high, reddened and aching with the impact of sae's hand - sure to leave bruises for the next few weeks :( "you let her talk to you like that? really, rin?"

there's an agitated sigh as he has to hold your hips in a frim grip when you come for what seems like a tenth time, squeezing his fingers so tight his knuckles ache. it's been, what - probably at least an hour and you already have enough - and you're already crying into the sheets, squirming around as if you haven't learnt anything from his scolding.

rin's many things, but not a liar - and so he doesn't even try to deny the way he's nearly coming untouched at the sight of you, so fucked out already :( he's just about to tell sae that hey, s'enough, until he reaches to grab at your face gently and you scurry away :( sniffling and choking back tears, earning a look of surprise from both of your brothers - especially sae, who watches in amusement as rin's eyes darken and hand twists into your hair, giving a rough tug forward.

"hand her over." he grunts to the elder, eyes trained on your face as you give him the most pathetic look - so stuck up, as if you had any reason for it. only now does he realise that fuck, you really are such a fucking tease - such a brat, and it's about time you learned that it's not how they're to be treated. "'ve had enough of this attitude of yours, pretty."

[ratsoh-writes]

how would ht,uf, and ut brothers react to their crush making something like lunch for them and accidentally burning them sleds with water. Nothing too serious. But crush has sensitive skin, so it feels horrible.

that’s all, thanks :-)

Sans: big oof. Sans hears his crush’s shriek in the kitchen and the first thing he does is shortcut in. Seeing the burn on their arm, sans can tell it’s not life threatening, just really painful. He hisses at the sight as he walks over to inspect it. Yea that sucks. It’s a real pain. It’s really fowl..

Crush hears the slight change in his voice with dawning horror at what they know is coming.

“Water you doing?? You dew know you aren’t supposed to pour towards you (crush)~ the waters real pot! If you just wanted to tide yourself over I could’ve-“

Crush is so disgusted at the bad jokes that they hadn’t even realized the pains disappeared yet. Sans pulled a quick heal job during his verbal crime against comedy

Papyrus: like the charismatic heroic prince of a fairy tale- just before the hot water splashes crush, papyrus scoops them up in his arms out of the waters reach…. Then screeches something awful. He’s wearing his booty shorts again, meaning his legs are exposed. Poor paps knee has been burned by boiling water

“ARE YOU OK- OH F*CKING SH*T THAT HURTS-“

The pain didn’t hit him until a few seconds later clearly. Better get him an ice pack.

Red: when crush yelps, red shortcuts into the kitchen rapidly with all the focus of a well trained attack dog. His frantic entrance is so surprising crush briefly forgets the pain and instead looks at red wide eyed. Thinking it’s nothing serious because of that reaction, he flushes in embarrassment.

“T’ hell is that look for, I can’t be f*ckin worried?”

Oh right, he came in cause he heard crush’s cry. Aaand now they’re tearing up as the pain registers again. Reds eyes widen and he makes crush put their arm under running cold water.

Edge: like he’d let anyone cook alone. Even if it’s not his kitchen, edge insists on seeing the process of the food being made. Especially if he has to eat it. He has high standards after all. The second crush even motions to pour the pot of water into the strainer- towards themself- the audacity!!- edge grabs their wrists stopping them.

“HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?? NO WONDER YOU ALWAYS BURN YOURSELF WHEN YOU COOK-“

And now crush is oh so generously gifted with a lecture on kitchen safety. Edge has effectively taken over the rest of the cooking for the night.

Oak: when crush yelps, oak doesn’t immediately react as the sound didn’t quite register right away. It’s only when he hears his crushs sniffles in the kitchen that he senses something is wrong. Walking inside, oaks eyes widen at the pot of spilled hot pasta, and his crush holding their hand. With a lot of restraint, oak ignores the wasted food to check and make sure crush is alright

“Oh geez, that’s painful looking buns, lemme get you some ice”

He does come back with the ice, but is stunned all over again when he sees pasta on the floor, asking if SO spilled it, like that isn’t obvious lol

Willow: “NOOOOOOOOOOOO THE STOVES STILL ON-“

It’s like a slow-mo scene in a movie where the hero attempts to stop someone from making a stupid decision but it’s obvious to the viewers that they’re too far away lol. Willow stretches out his hand, but despite the impressive length of his arms, he’s still too far to stop crush from trying to snatch a taste test of the steamed buns on the pan. The very very hot buns on the pan. Crush shrieks as their fingertips burn, and finally willow reaches them, snatching their hand away

“STARS ARE YOU ALRIGHT- I SAID THEY WEREN’T DONE!!”

lol he’s clearly caught in a war between worry and annoyance. This is why you don’t sneak taste tests before the food is ready!

[dear-oizys]

My thoughts on Step Nine

This was written while I was watching the episode.

Dude!!! Bobby did not just fucking walk away. He was blaming himself and was ready to turn himself in!! He was also ready to kill himself making amends!!! He DIDN'T just walk away!!

I do feel bad for Amir tho. He has lost everything he cherished in life.

OMG!!!!!!! Baby Bobby???? And Bobby's dad???

Why does Bobby's dad kinda an asshole???

Mayyyyyy!!!!!!!! Family dinner!!!!

Bobby. Please stop blaming yourself. Please. I feel so fucking bad for him. This stupid fucking show is making me cry.

Bobby. What the fuck are you doing????? Why are you going to Jambuca??????? I mean I know why but still. Bobby. Please.

Bobby is such a fucking professional. He's awesome. And also. Cartels??? Coyotes????

Bobby you have no sense of self preservation. Why.

Ok Bobby's dad is definitely terrible. I fucking hate him. I HATE him!!! Bobby noooooooooooo. Go with your mom and your brother!!

Random creepy car on the side of the road. Yes Bobby you should definitely get out of your car to check that out. For sure that is the right thing to do. Bro. The spanner or whatever that is you're carrying is NOT gonna help you!!

Amir got shot????!!!

This is great. Fantastic. The cartel is here. Bobby and Amir are fucked.

I did NOT expect Bobby to be good at cooking because he's been taking care of his dad. That's so fucking traumatic. I'm so glad it's something good for him now.

This whole episode is making me cry. Why. Just why.

I hate hate HATE Bobby's dad. I hate him so much. So so so so much. That's guy is just filling me with rage.

Oh shit. I knew I got a bad vibe from Herman. Fuck. Fuck. They are out in the desert with no way to get help.

Fuck. What the the fuck. Did Bobby's dad just fucking die????

Bobby dragging Amir is giving me The Covenant vibes.

Yes!! Yes. Yes. Finally. Help is here!!!

Herman is alive. I'm sure that won't cause any problems in the future.

Bobby you deserve the second chance. You do.

How the fuck did the firefighters just leave Bobby alone????????? What the hell guys.

[do-it-jakey-baby]

An Unlikely Encounter

Jake Kiszka x f!reader

Warnings: explicit sexual content, physical assault, profanity, drug use (smoking weed), alcohol consumption, tobacco use

18+, MINORS DNI

TAGLIST: @torniturntomyarrow @ignite-my-fire @hollyco

A/N: As always, please let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list! I’d also love to hear your thoughts, how you’re finding the series so far and any feedback. 🫶🏻

Chapter 6

“Fucking hell, Y/N! How much shit are you taking with you?”

You look up at Kat, shooting her your dirtiest look possible. You’re sat cross legged on the floor of her bedroom, surrounded by piles upon piles of your belongings.

“I don’t want to get to Nashville and have left something important behind! It’s not like I can just nip home.” You scowl.

“Babe, we’re going to America, not the Bermuda Triangle. It wouldn’t be hard to find anything you need. Plus, Jake would move mountains for you if he could.” She snorts.

“What about you, anyway? Do you really need seven pairs of shoes?”

“You know I need to slay in public. Plus, we’re like, famous now.”

You both crack bewildered smiles at each other. She wasn’t wrong, both of you had been circulating online. You knew the boys were famous, but you didn’t expect their fanbase to be so… pap happy. What was the most interesting was how covert they were at snapping photos of you out and about. There was the odd moment where fans would approach the band and ask for photos, which they always willingly obliged with smiles on their faces. It was evident that they held such love in their hearts for their fans, it was never a chore to interact with them. The people you met were always so nice to you and Kat, too. Complimenting your outfits, telling you how pretty you were. It was quite a pleasant experience for the most part. There was, however, a small percentage that weren’t so happy you were dating Jake & Sam. Kat wasn’t bothered in the slightest, but you on the other hand were more susceptible to the discomfort. You were struggling with the sudden catapult into the limelight, but believed that your relationship with Jake was worth it.

“Right, I’m all done. Need any help fitting the kitchen sink into your suitcase?” Kat winks.

You celebrate the success of packing with a few bottles of wine and a Chinese takeaway. You and Kat curl up onto her sofa together and sink further and further into the bottles whilst you conceptualise the decisions that got you both to this point. By the end of the second bottle, you’re both slurring your words and collapsing into a fit of giggles.

“I know, let’s FaceTime them!” Kat sways, phone in hand.

The familiar ringer sounds twice and then Sam picks up, his face illuminating the screen.

“There’s my beautiful girl. Oh, girls! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“Misssed you.”

“Y/N, did you miss me too?” Sam bats his eyelashes.

“Maybeee a bit, was hoping Jakey was with youuu.”

“Are you both drunk?” He chuckles.

“Noooooooooooo, why on earth would you think that.” Kat comically scratches her chin.

“I heard a very pretty voice saying my name.”

Jake edges into the shot, smirking down at the screen.

“Omygod I could just eat you up.” You breathe.

“Ewwwwwww, Y/N. Not in front of meee!” Kat screeches, jumping on top of you. You both cackle together until you’ve caught your breath.

“A hangover on a 9 hour flight isn’t my idea of a good time.” Jake laughs.

“We just wanted to see you one last timeeee.” You blow a kiss into the screen.

“You two get an early night, we’ll see you in just under 24 hours.” Jake instructs.

“See you soon!” Sam chimes in.

You all wave goodbye and Kat ends the call with an exaggerated yawn. You both plod into her room and collapse into bed, sleep finding you almost instantly.

~

The hangover gods have spared you today, as you both wake up fresh as a pair of daisies. You go over your itinerary once more, just to be extra safe, then load your bags into the back of the Uber. It was around a 45 minute drive to Heathrow, so you popped your headphones on and flicked through your playlists. Jake had been very secretive with your flight plans, telling you both that he’d scheduled the details to come through to your email 3 hours before your departure. You’d tried to argue with him, you liked to be in control and hated not being in the loop, but he wouldn’t budge. You both sat down to grab a coffee at one of the little Cafes within the airport when right on schedule, the email pinged through.

British Airways - Flight BA 244

Departing LHR at 1300 to BNA

Business Class Main Deck

Seat 13J

Seat 13K

“No fucking way, that’s why he was being so secretive!” You huff, rolling your eyes.

“What?”

“He’s booked us business class seats!”

“Fuck yeah!” Kat grins, punching the air.

“That must have cost a bomb!”

“Girl, will you quit it. He clearly wants his princess to be comfortable. Enjoy it, you deserve it.”

You’d seen TikTok videos of people sitting in business class, but you’d never for a second expected to experience it for yourself. Once you’d checked in, which was a breeze thanks to the dedicated area for business class ticket holders, you were ushered into a private lounge. Inside, there was a complimentary buffet with an insane selection of food and drink, plus Champagne chilling on ice and even a cocktail bar with an experienced mixologist on hand. When you boarded, you were taken to your seats and handed fluffy blankets and an amenity kit consisting of luxury toiletries, toothpaste and toothbrush, an eye mask, and socks. You both squealed in excitement every time you discovered something new, such as the noise cancelling headphones, or the fact that your seats fully transformed into beds. The most exciting thing of all though, was the Wi-Fi available on board. It meant that you could keep in contact with the boys whilst in the air, or so you thought. Sam and Josh seemed to keep in constant contact for the first few hours, but you hadn’t heard from Jake. Deciding it wasn’t worth worrying about, you settled in for the long haul. You and Kat had made it through a few films together, and scarfed down some dinner and dessert before you both passed out. By the time you woke up, the Stewardesses were making their rounds to ensure everyone was back upright and buckled in, ready to land. You shook Kat gently and she stirred, before removing her eye mask and wiping the drool from her face.

“Sleep well?” You laugh.

“Like a fucking baby.”

The landing was smooth as you touched down on Nashville soil. Adrenaline was pumping through your veins like white hot lava whilst you waited at luggage claim, it felt like hours had passed before the carousel started turning. As soon as you spotted your bags you sprinted over to them, not even stopping to make sure Kat was following your lead. You grab them both and almost topple over trying to drag them off by yourself. Kat finally makes her way over and retrieves her suitcase from you, then you both head towards pick up. Your hands felt clammy as you approached the crowds of people waiting for their loved ones. You scanned through the faces, until you found one that stuck out like a sore thumb. Josh. Next your eyes landed on Sam. You kept looking, craning your neck, but no one else was there.

Jake wasn’t there.

The room began to spin as you remembered how quiet he’d been during your flight.

Kat began to run over to the two, throwing her arms out and squealing as she squeezed the life out of both of them. You’d stopped in your tracks, still rooted to the same spot. The three of them whipped their heads round, Kat’s face one of confusion, the brothers both mirroring each other with looks of… sadness? Guilt? You couldn’t quite place it. You felt yourself starting to tear up, your mind a frenzy of thoughts. Where was he? Had he changed his mind? Did he regret asking you here?

You were brought back down to earth by a firm pair of hands grasping at your arms.

“Songbird.” Josh smiles, his brow slightly furrowed.

“Where-”

“We’ll explain, but please don’t worry. He wanted to be here more than anything in the world. We’re so happy to see you, sweet girl.” He pulls you into a tight embrace.

The ride to Josh’s place goes by in a blur, with you staring blankly out of the window for most of the journey. You were confused, and with no explanation, your thoughts were spiralling. Josh told you not to worry, but you couldn’t help it. Your boyfriend wasn’t there to pick you up from the airport in an unfamiliar territory, one he’d invited you to indefinitely. You expected to go back to Jake’s place, but were told that you’d be heading to Josh’s. You had asked where Danny was, but were met with grimaces exchanged between Josh and Sam. They promised they’d reveal all when you arrived.

You walked through the door to Josh’s house and set your bags down. It was a beautiful home that captured Josh’s personality perfectly. The interior was mostly white, with floor to ceiling glass windows, faux fur rugs and gold embellishments. His decor was extremely tasteful, it looked expensive but didn’t scream ‘I’m a rockstar who likes to flaunt my money’. Sam and Kat took a seat on one of the plush grey sofas, you opted to sit yourself alone on its twin. Josh exited the room briefly before returning with four glasses and a bottle of red wine. He filled your glass first, handing it to you and watching as you took a hearty gulp. Once he has filled the remainder of the glasses, he perches next to you and looks to his brother. Sam nods and Josh turns back to you, sighing.

“Jake… has had some problems over the last few hours.”

Your throat feels constricted, so you swallow thickly. When that doesn’t ease your discomfort, you opt for another gulp of pinot noir.

“Kate, his… ex-girlfriend decided to make a re-appearance early this morning.” He pauses, running a hand through his fluffy curls. “She’d seen photos of the two of you circulating online, Must have realised that you seemed serious. She tried to win him back over, saying she just wanted to talk and apologise for how awful she’d been to him. He let her in because he still had some of her things from when she left. He brought the box to her and began to explain that he had a new girlfriend, and that you were due to turn up in a few hours so she had to leave, and she lost her shit. Threw a glass vase at him. He called us after she left, when we got there he was struggling to stem the bleeding and was barely conscious. Danny took him to the ER, he told me I needed to stay here so I could pick you up. All he could talk about was you, about how upset he was, how he wanted to see you.”

“What the fuck. Josh, is he ok?! Please tell me he’s ok!” You choked back a sob, your eyes frantically searching Josh’s face for answers.

“He’s ok. Pretty shaken, with a nasty gash on his arm. He’s had to have stitches, but he’s fine.” Josh cups your face in his hand, wiping away your tears with the pad of his thumb.

“Please can I see him?”

~

Jake and Danny had got back from the ER around an hour after you arrived at Josh’s. Jake understandably wasn’t up for guests after the incident, so Danny took him home. You parted ways with Kat, as she was due to stay with Sam. They both hugged you goodbye, then you headed off with Josh. As you entered through the door to Jake’s house behind Josh, you felt sick to your stomach. The lights were off, so Josh flicked them on and left your belongings in the corridor.

“I’m just going to find Jake, you hang tight.”

The house was a stark contrast to Josh’s, with everything in dark hues. Jake favoured mahogany over Josh’s love for pine, and his home was just as dark and mysterious as him. Walking into the house was like being surrounded by Jake, there was no doubt that this was his sanctuary. The ground floor was mostly open plan, with a large hallway spilling out into a kitchen. You found the light switch and flipped it, the room illuminating and revealing the horror hidden within the veil of darkness.

Blood.

Broken glass.

More blood.

You clapped your hand to your mouth as you took in the scene before you. The glass that once formed part of a heavy, ornate vase was thick - that explained the damage done… You were actually surprised it wasn’t worse. On the kitchen island you spot a bouquet of flowers clad in brown paper. They were astonishingly beautiful and comprised of all your favourite species; peonies, lavender, cornflowers, snowdrops, foxgloves, and a few sprigs of eucalyptus. You pick out the card that is tucked neatly into the folds of paper and open it.

My girl,

A thousand bouquets could never be enough for you, but for as long as I am alive I will continue to shower you with the most beautiful of petals. You are my sun, my moon, my stars. Thank you for coming to my home and filling it with your warmth.

All my love,

Jake

You clutch the card to your chest and let the tears that have formed in your eyes fall down onto your cheeks. A noise from the hallway startles you, causing you to lurch backwards in panic. You look up as Josh appears from the hall, his eyes widening at the scene before him.

“That fucking psycho bitch.”

He looks to you and notices the state you’re in, his face immediately softens and he extends his arms out to you.

“Oh, Songbird. I’m so sorry.”

You collapse into his arms as you weep into his chest, hot tears staining his crisp, white t-shirt.

“He wants to see you.” He whispers as he strokes your hair gently.

You pull back, peering at his face and managing a meek nod. He intertwines his fingers with yours and leads you through the hall and down a set of stairs. When he opens the door you’re met with a cosy basement, with a log burner crackling away on the far wall opposite you. A bar lines the left side, with plenty of expensive looking liquor embellishing the shelving. The right side is home to Jake’s instruments, his guitars hanging on the walls and on stands like the most prized of possessions, decorating the space with their charm. There’s a vintage looking record player sat proudly on top of a deep chestnut cabinet, with rows and rows of vinyls stacked intricately in stands. Jake sits in a brown leather arm chair in front of the log burner, a lit joint smoking away between his shaking fingers. His left forearm is bandaged and there are several smaller abrasions visible, scattered across the rest of his arms. Along his hairline, another cut can be seen, the blood now dried and clinging to his strands. He looks up at you, his lip wobbling. You can tell he’s been crying, his face slightly pink and puffy. You begin to make your way over to him, but slow down as you get closer. You’re afraid to trigger him with any quick movements, so you extend your hand to him, a silent plea for consent. His face falls, a tear slipping from his lashes and rolling down his cheek. He nods and you practically sprint the rest of the way, kneeling before him and carefully cupping his face in your hands.

“Jacob. I’m so sorry, baby.” A tear of your own falls, landing on the back of his hand.

“I-“ He begins, choking on his soft sobs. “I wanted today to be perfect. I’ve been dreaming of this day since my eyes first met yours. I can’t believe it’s been ruined. She’s stolen my happiness again.” He drops his head, succumbing to his emotions as the tears flow heavily down his perfect face.

“No. Don’t you say that. I’m here, she hasn’t ruined a thing. I’m here.” You softly nudge his chin back up, looking into his eyes as you speak. You press your lips to his and hope he believes you, that this moment hasn’t been taken from you both. He melts into your touch, kissing you back with a tenderness that steals the air from your lungs.

“Please don’t ever leave.”

~

You put Jake to bed after cleaning his face up, promising you’ll be back as soon as you’ve collected your things. Josh is stood in the kitchen, taking photos of the blood and glass that litters the floor.

“What are you doing?”

“Collecting evidence for the police report.”

“Is he going to press charges?”

“I don’t know, but he sure as hell should.” Josh snarls.

“Thank you for being there for me tonight.” You offer a small smile.

“Always, Songbird. I did it for you and for him. He knew how worried you’d be.”

You wrap your arms around him and he softens, rubbing his hands across your back.

“I’d do anything for you, I hope you know that.”

You peer up at him, his face inches from yours. His eyes flit from yours down to your lips. You inhale sharply, which causes him to pull back and awkwardly clear his throat.

“I’ll leave you to your evening. Take care of him, Songbird. Call me if you need me, I’m just up the road.”

With that, he hastily makes his exit.

What?

You walk across to the kitchen island and pull out a chair. Sitting there with your head in your hands, you re-hash the events of the day over and over.

I need a drink, or a cigarette. Or both.

You pull yourself down from the island, searching the cupboards for reprieve. Successfully finding a low ball and a carafe filled with what you assumed was either whiskey or dark rum, you pad over to the freezer to retrieve a few cubes of ice. You fill your glass and rifle through your carry on to find a packet of cigarettes and your lighter. You take a few moments to decide if you want to nurse your drink slowly or knock it back in one, then your eyes find the sliding door that leads to Jake’s back porch. You find the key hanging on a hook and let yourself out, perching on a wicker chair. You take a hearty gulp from your glass, sighing as the liquor burns down your oesophagus. You set it down on the table in front of you and pull a cigarette from the packet, lighting it and taking a long drag. You hold it for as long as you can, until your head feels all warm and fuzzy, then slowly blow the smoke from your lungs. All sense of time leaves you as you sit, chain smoking. You aren’t even aware of how long you’ve been sat out there until your phone buzzes, the screen lighting up your surroundings and pulling you from your thoughts.

Josh Kiszka: I hope you’re ok, Songbird. Thinking about you.

The butterflies in your stomach took you completely by surprise. You shook your head aggressively, internally berating yourself for the reaction.

He’s your boyfriend’s brother, Y/N! Get it together!

With that, you decided it was time to call it a night. You lock up and carry your bags up the stairs and into one of Jake’s spare rooms, not wanting to disturb him. You get undressed and put on a baggy t-shirt, then quickly wash your face and brush your teeth. You crawl into the spare bed and pull the covers over your weary body. It was uncomfortable, being in an unfamiliar bed by yourself. You toss and turn for around thirty minutes, not being able to find sleep. At around the fourty five minute mark, you give up and head for Jake’s room. You didn’t want to intrude, but you’d feel much better knowing he was next to you. You enter the room and his soft snores immediately calm you. You tiptoe carefully across to the bed, ensuring to be as quiet as possible. You pull the sheets back and slide in, positioning yourself so that you were facing him. He stirs slightly and you hold your breath, not wanting to wake him up. Still asleep, his hands reach for you.

“Mmmm, Y/N. I love you.”

You gasp softly, your eyes widening.

He’s sleeping, he doesn’t mean that.

He reaches again and pulls himself into you, his head resting between the crook of your neck. Sleep finds you soon after, with your mind finally at ease wrapped up in Jake.

~

Bzz bzz

You groan, rubbing your eyes to adjust to the light. You’re laid on your side, with Jake’s arms wrapped around your waist. He’s snuggled close into your back, his legs wrapped in yours. You wiggle forward slightly to grab your phone.

4 missed calls

5 texts

Three missed calls from Kat, one from Josh. All texts bar one were from Kat. You swipe up and reply to Kat.

Hey babe, I’m all good. Just woke up. Speak later?

You put your phone back on the nightstand and gently rub your fingers along Jake’s arm. He stirs and you take the opportunity to turn and face him, manoeuvring carefully to avoid his injuries. His eyes slowly open and his gaze fixes on you.

“Hey, good morning. Did you sleep ok?” You ask.

“Better than I thought I would. Guess that has something to do with you being here.” He tilts his head down and plants a kiss on your forehead, then pulls you in close to him, wrapping his arms around you.

“Thank you for coming, I’m sorry-”

You put your finger up to his lips. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

He looks down at your finger and presses a kiss to it. You smile at him, then his hands find the back of your head and he crashes his lips onto yours. The kiss is passionate and hungry, filled with lust and want. He brings one hand to your waist and another to your thigh and pulls you into him, his knee slotting into your crotch. You moan gently as he makes contact with your core.

“Jake…”

“Mmmm.” He breathes in between sloppy kisses, trailing down your neck.

“Not now.”

He stops and looks at you, defeated and confused.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. Fuck, I want to. But you’ve been through so much, and you’re hurt.”

“Please.” He whimpers. “I need you, please.”

That’s all it takes for you to give in, and he’s right back on you. Clawing at your shirt, he can’t seem to get it off fast enough. He palms at your bare breasts, then takes your nipple into his mouth. You arch your back at the sensation of his tongue lapping over your sensitive bud.

“You’re really here, in my bed. In my house. I can’t believe it.” He whispers, his fingers dipping into the waistband of your panties.

“I am.”

He flips himself on top of you and discards your underwear on the floor, then drags his fingers through your already slick folds. One thing Jake never fails to do is make you incredibly wet before he’s even started. He begins his assault on your pussy, plunging his fingers in and out, then circling them around your clit. Your moans bounce off the walls as your orgasm quickly creeps up on you, with every sound you make his fingers move faster. He licks a stripe from your collarbone to your ear, sucking the tender skin into his mouth.

“Fuck, Jakeeee.” You whine.

“Cum for me, angel. Cum right on my fingers. Tell me how good it feels.”

“It feels.. it feels so- oh! Fuck!”

Your legs begin to shudder as you let go, the crashing waves of your orgasm engulfing you in pure ecstasy.

When you float down from your high, Jake is lining himself up with your entrance. You move your hand to stop him and he looks down at you, his brows knitting together.

“I think you deserve a thank you now.” Your eyes bore into his and blacken with lust. He looks like a deer in headlights as he nods at you. You motion for him to swap places with you, then you crawl on top of him, rising up onto your knees and sliding down onto him. His face contorts as he bottoms out inside you, pulling his lip between his teeth with a sharp inhale.

“Baby, fuck. You feel so good.”

You start to move your hips in a slow figure of eight. Jake’s hands find your hips and he digs his fingers into the meaty flesh. You lift yourself up and slam down onto him, the tip of his cock knocking against your cervix. You squeeze as you lift back up again, eliciting a hiss from his mouth. You bounce yourself up and down, relishing in the sound of his soft panting and whining. He uses his leverage on your hips to drive up and meet you as you ride him. You throw your head back and lift your hands up cup your breasts.

“I’m gunna cum, shit!” He cries, looking up at you with his perfect, fucked out face.

“Fill me up baby.”

He groans loudly as his cock twitches inside you, still driving up into you to reach his release. The sound of his pleasure fills the room, tipping you over the edge as your walls flutter around him, constricting and pulsing as his cum spurts out into you. You catch your breath and lean down to press your lips to his, then excuse yourself to the bathroom to clean up and brush your teeth, before taking the space next to him in his bed once more.

“Is that what you wanted?” You smirk.

“All I wanted and more, you’re incredible.”

You offer him a shy smile, still not used to being showered in his compliments.

“Do you… want to talk about it?” You ask, running your hand softly across his arm.

His face noticeably falls, pain searing across his eyes.

“Uhh.. I-” He’s cut off swiftly by the buzzing off his phone. He rolls his eyes and picks up the device, frowning as he peers at the screen. He answers and begins to move out of the room, but you manage to catch the first sentence of the conversation.

Good morning, my name is PD Martinez. I’m calling from the Metropolitan Nashville Police Department. Am I speaking Jacob Kiszka?

You take a deep breath, wringing your hands nervously as you wait for Jake to finish the phone call. When Jake re-enters the room, he’s visibly pissed off.

“Fucking Josh, calling the fucking police.” He mutters, raking his hands through his hair and pacing the room.

You stand and begin to try to soothe him.

“Baby, he’s just being a good brother and looking out for you…”

He whips his head toward you, fury blazing in his eyes. “I don’t need him to look out for me, I don’t need him to call the fucking police. This situation is stressful as it is without a fucking investigation happening in my home. I just want to forget about it!”

He storms out of the room and into the hallway, you follow behind him as he hot foots down the stairs and into the kitchen. He stops just before he reaches the blood and glass still tainting the hardwood flooring, before stepping over it and knocking a fruit bowl that sits on the island flying, smashing into smithereens before him. He drops to the floor, his head in his hands. You aren’t sure what to do, and in true Y/N panic mode you dash back up to the bedroom and grab your phone, hitting dial on Josh’s number. He answers after two rings.

“Morning, Song-”

“Josh, please come over. Now.”

“I’ll be there in 5.”

True to his word, 5 minutes later he’s rushing through the door. You steer him into the kitchen, where Jake is still sat on the floor.

“Brother, what’s going on?”

Jake looks up slowly, his expression vacant. He stares at Josh for a few moments, before inhaling deeply.

“Why did you call the police?”

“Uh, because your ex-girlfriend assaulted you, Jake.” Josh huffs, clearly baffled by the question.

“Do you not think that should have been my decision to make?!” Jake glares, his nostrils flared.

Josh digs around in his pockets and pulls out a tin. He opens it, extracting a pre-rolled blunt, and passes it to Jake.

“Come on, go down to the basement and chill out for five minutes.”

The three of you pile into the basement, Josh starts up the wood burner then joins you and Jake on the armchairs in front. Jake wastes no time lighting up the blunt, toking it harshly. After a few drags, he offers it to you. You’d smoked when you were younger, but hadn’t gotten high in over ten years. Regardless, in that moment you gratefully accepted it. The first toke elicits a chesty cough from your lungs, so you pass it to Josh whilst you recover. You all sit in silence, passing the blunt until there’s nothing left to share.

“Now we’re all nicely medicated, can we talk about this like adults?” Josh points towards Jake. He rolls his eyes, but motions for Josh to continue.

“I did what I thought, and what I still believe is best in this situation. Not only did her actions land you in the ER, but they also worried Y/N. It’s inexcusable behaviour and she needs to be taught a lesson.”

You nod, silently agreeing with Josh’s words. Jake sighs, rubbing his chin.

“I get it, thank you for making the call for me when I couldn’t.”

“Are you going to press charges?”

“I think so…”

~

The next few days are spent in almost constant police presence. The officers were keen to get in and assess the damage as soon as possible, so that Jake could get his kitchen cleaned up and begin to heal from the event. The police took tapes of the CCTV which covered the entrances to Jake’s house, along with the ER department report on his injuries. They took a statement from Jake, Josh, Danny and Sam, with the promise to be in touch. The entire ordeal had done a number on Jake, he was exhausted both physically and mentally. By the end of the first week, things were starting to look up, and Jake seemed to have a new lease of life.

“So, angel. I’ve been thinking, how about we pretend today is your first day in Nashville ans I take you out to dinner?”

“I would love that, Jakey.” You giggle, pulling him into an embrace.

You take your time getting ready, ensuring your hair and makeup are pristine. You give yourself a bouncy bow out, your hair cascading in shiny ribbons down your back. You slip on a black silky, tight-fitting dress which hugs your curves in all the right places, and opt for a deep red lipstick to tie the look together. As you’re perched on the bed slipping on your heels, Jake walks into the room. He’s dressed in all black too, matching your aesthetic perfectly. His black linen shirt is, of course, only buttoned a quarter of the way, showcasing his signature silver pendants which sparkle against his tanned chest. A black blazer adorns his shoulders, his hair falling down onto them in tousled waves against the crisp fabric. His trousers cling to the muscle on his thighs, which makes your mouth water slightly.

“You look amazing, Jake.”

He steps to you and pulls you up onto your feet, twirling you around to get a 360 view of your outfit. “Says the most beautiful woman on the planet. You look positively edible, angel.”

“You can eat me whenever you want.” You wink, snatching the lapels of his blazer in your fists and capturing his lips in a kiss.

“What did I ever do to deserve you?” He breathes.

He drives you to the restaurant which is about fifteen minutes down the road, his hand never leaving your thigh. Once you’ve parked up, he exits the vehicle and walks around to your side, opening the door and extending his hand. The restaurant is probably one of the most extravagant settings you’ve ever dined in, far beyond your usual price range. The decor is almost vintage-looking, with small lanterns embellishing each table, adding to the chic ambience. When you’re shown to your table, he pulls your chair out for you, then sits down and envelopes your hands in his, bringing one to his face and kissing your knuckles. He orders Champagne for the table and you clink your glasses together, a toast to your adventures in the States. The three course meal is absolutely stunning, and undoubtedly the best food you’ve ever had the pleasure of tasting. You chat the entire time about your plans, how excited Jake is to have you at his home, and the next leg of the band’s tour which is due to commence in 4 weeks’ time. When you’re finished, Jake pays the bill and you make your way home. You walk through the door to Jake’s house and breathe a sigh of relief, thankful that things are finally beginning to take a turn for the better. You were so excited to spend some quality time with Jake, and for him to show you around. He’d spoken about the possibility of a trip to Frankenmuth, which you were quite nervous about. Meeting Jake’s parents was a daunting thought, but he assured you that they would adore you as much as he does.

You begin to settle in for the evening, slipping into your pyjamas and starting your skincare routine. Your phone buzzes on the bathroom counter as you’re finishing up.

Unknown Caller

You wonder who it could be, but take no chances of missing something important, so you answer and bring your phone up to your ear.

“Are you really in fucking America with him?!” The voice growls from the other end.

“Who- who is this?”

“You really are a disgusting little groupie whore, aren’t you. Running off to the other side of the world like a love sick puppy after a man who will drop you once he’s had his fill.” Pure venom drips from the tongue of the caller, their words coated in malice.

“… Connor, is that you?! You fucking stalker freak!” You scream.

“Clearly my little Instagram account hasn’t deterred you enough, you fucking slut.”

His little Instagram account?…

You drop your phone into the sink as your knees go weak beneath you.

He’s @exposingjake.

[kirvee]

GRAVITY FALLS HUNGER GAMES!!!

Alright so we have Dipper and Mabel, Stanley and Stanford, Wendy and Soos together for obvious reasons.

Bill and McGucket are together because they're both Ford's exes.

Gideon and Pacifica are bratty so they're together.

Robbie and Tambry, Candy and Grenda, Waddles and Gompers for obvious reasons.

Toby Determined and Paper Jam Dipper because they're freaks.

Blubs and Durland are gay cops. Of course they're together.

Schmebulock and Tyler because I couldn't think of anyone else.

Axolotl and Time Baby are together because they're basically god.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLOODBATH:

Bill?? BILL????? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT BILL????

Nothing good can come out of this.

I'm very concerned about Durland having explosives.

ROBBIE WHAT THE HELL?????

he girls are fightinggggg

STAN?????? WHY WOULD YOU KILL SCHMEBULOCK IN FRONT OF YOUR GREAT NIECE???

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DAY 1:

Candy questions her sanity! Also that's the least likely group I'd think would raid Waddles but okay ig

GOMPERS NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Overall pretty uneventful day despite Gompers dying.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEATHS:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NIGHT 1:

WHAT????????? DURLAND I THOUGHT YOU WERE CINNAMON ROLL HOW COULD YOU KILL ANYONE????

WADDLES NOOOOOOOOOOOO

She would do this tbh

Pacifica and Ford can share their medical supplies

They're talking about their exes

DAY 2:

Tambry and Wendy may be lesbians

what the FUCK!????!??!?!??!?!??!?!??!?!>!@?!@>?>!?@! PAPER JAM DIPPER IS A SAVAGE

Okay yeah this is normal-ish

STAN?????????? HE'S BECOME A MURDERER

it was from bill wasn't it

DIPPER NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DEATHS:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

NIGHT 2:

Time Baby commits arson!!!

rip candy she died

Blubs that was probably smart. Don't wanna mess with Time Baby.

oh fuck. oh. oh hold on a moment. fuck. i need a moment. i really need a moment.

PAPER JAM DIPPER THE HELL??? UM??? BRO IS OUT FOR MURDER

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Continued in next post

[luciana-morningstar]

"What it's like" Entry 2 :

Post Fall

**having a conversation and my orange cat brain just side tracks to something else entirely. But it's okay because the orange cat brain transferred to Donnie too**

Me : Oh yea and........

Donnie : First of all ..you cut me off...rude

...............What? Why are you silent? Lux?

Me : Oh .....fuck....it just flew out of my brain!

Donnie : Well fuck, I really wanted to hear it *sarcastic sassy leaning chin into hands with elbows on table*

Me : *laughing* Shut the fuck up you bitch!

Donnie : No no. Please. I'm invested now.

Me : I can't remember!

Donnie : You better figure it out then.

Me : Donnie noooooooo!

Donnie : ......*just staring, smirking*

Me : Noooooooooooo

Donnie : I'm still waiting, love.

Me : Good thing we are in Hell, maybe it'll freeze over soon.

Donnie : Hmmmm maybe. Unlikely though. I'm here.

Me : Did........are you saying Hell won't freeze over because....you are so hot?

Donnie : Indeed.

Me : I won't argue with that.

Donnie : You think I'm hot?

Me : I married you. Isn't that enough of an answer?

Donnie :...........................

Me : Yes, Donnie. *Facepalm*

Donnie : *happy grin and tippy tappy feet*

**His excited tippy tappy feet are adorable, fight me on it.**

[kohgd]

Live thoughts and direct quotes from watching newest episode of 911:

Haha it's an urn

⚱️ moment

SHE'S DEAD

Nvm

Father I am gay

I HATE TOMMY

WEIRD AND NOT NICE

(about Abby) that's weird

Just a weird storyline

WHAT THE SHIT

DID HE JUST SNEEZE HIS INTESTINES THROUGH HIS BELLY

HE DOESN'T LOVE HIM

HE DOESN'T LOVE HIM

HE DOESN'T LOVE HIM

Stfu about glee

Omg it's like they try to fall into pipes

I hate these children

It's like just don't go down there

Simple as

HE'S GONNA BREAK UP

PLEASE

PLEASE FUCKING PLEASE I'M BEGGING

I hate Tommy actually so much

YES 'UH OH' PLEASE

YES IT IS AWKWARD YOU SHOULD JUST BREAK UP RN

UGHHHHH

"till now" "so comfortable" shut up

NOOOOOOOOOOOO

I HATE MY LIFFFFFEEEEEEEEE

I'M GOING TO STOP WATCHING THIS FUCKING SHOW

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

BREAK UP RN

PLEASEx7

PLEEEEASSSSSEEEEEEE

OMG YES

'im not you're last'

EDDIE IS HIS LAST

BREAK UPPP!!!!

YYEEEEESSSSSSSSS

"I've never been this happy" -me

"life is beautiful" -also me

I actually love (madney) together

HHAT SHE'S PREGNANT

HWAT

WHAT

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHOW

WHAT THE FUCK IS A PACING

Noooooooo the stacccchhhhheeee

He looks like he's made of clay

....

What is he doing

This man is so... not straight

Jumping up and down

OMG WHO'S AT THE DOOR 😱

IT'S BUCCKKKKK

FUCK EACH OTHER

GET DRUNK TOGETHER

NOOOOOOOOO (end of episode)

We all know

Those who know:

Those in the know:

// Rating -- LOVED IT 9/10 NOT ENOUGH GAY SEX

[eretxskullcrusher]

OH HELL NOOOOO

I JUST DELETED MY FIRST CHAPTER OF MY FANFIC ABOUT ERET AND SKULLCRUSHER

I HAD POSTED IT ALREADY AND NOW ITS GONEEEE

PEOPLE HAD EVEN LIKED IT

AND NOW I HAVE TO IT WRITE AGAIN.

AND IT'S FUCKING GIANT

FUCKING NOOOOOOOOOOOO

IS THERE A WAY TO UMMM,IDK FIND IT SOMEWHERE? LIKE DELETED POSTS OR SOME SHIT?

SOMEBODY KILL ME PLS I FEEL SO GUILTY AND SAD RN

[hellonpluto]

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) during-the-movie notes!! I'm posting this like 2-3 days after i watched the movie n made them

(These aren't analysis notes, to clarify! They're just my thoughts during the movie.)

-intro is alright. I supoose

-nvm that title card is SICK

-wittle boy

-ahhhhhh got got by the ol curtain trick

-what is that man hiding

-oh he's so cute when he's older!!!

-he's actually. Super pretty.

-lort they were getting at it

-pleas dont take a photo of lady without consent. Pleas. Ur so pretty dont do that

-fuck flash

-EUGENE

-yooo peter has TWO interests in these movies!! Photography and skateboards!!

-sleepy boy parker

-he has. Puppy dog eyes oh my fucking goddddd

-oh ok so gwen is main love interest. Word

-SPAGHETTI AND MEATBALLS HELL YEAH

-is peter. Ok. I think he needs to lie the fuck down

-uncle ben ready to throw down

-the einstein tounge photo is bonkers

-curt connors?

-PETER UR COOKED

-*sneaks into oscorp*

-*his crush is his tour guide*

-HES A LITTLE LIARRRR

-and he jusr ruined someone's career

-connor is ugly. Damn

-peter sooooo big brain!!!!

-mart peter moment

-gwen a real one

-this peter is so much more sneaky n shit

-i love it tbh

-peter u dumbbbbb

-ermm

-im scared

-bro is enamoured. enamored?

-"stay with the group" doesnt stay with the group.

-they didnt exaggerate the spiderbite scene this time :[

-CEILING TIME

-NOOOOO PETEEEEE

-he's so fuckinf confused 😭😭😭

-he's so me

-"why didnt you tell me you didnt like my meat loaf?" "Um..." "you could've said that to me 37 years ago! How many meat loaves have i made for you?"

-web in neck??? What??

-ayo

-ohhhh spider attached to web

-HIS FUCKING ALARM CLOCK

-HIS TOORHPASTE???

-HIS FACUEST??????

-THE DOOR HANDLE TOO??

-peter is insane in this movie. Got it.

-he's also chronically online

-HIS KEYBOARD

-he got the tumblr girlie thumb holes in his sleeves. Aw.

-"peter?"

-connor is cooked

-his arm!!! What happened!!!

-oh he's so silly

-oh snap

-oh shoot

-THE FUCKING HOOP?????

-uncle ben the menace

-OOIUUGHHHHHH

-parker actuallt got charisma in this one

-they so awkward . They so cute

-he does a lil skip!!!!

-i love the tech animation n design in these movies

-oughh oeter :[

-THE DUCKING DOOR???????

-NONONO

-UNCLE BEN NO NOT AGIAN PLEASE

-nooodjsiduahshnaxna

-uncle ben dead pt 2

-then gwen stacy hug

-spidey wall crawl

-fighting ring??

-cooking scene(suit design) pt 2

-aw what so he doesnt have the little fucked up web things in his wrists?

-"spandex. Spandex.... everything. Spandex."

-SPDIEY SUITTT

-acrusl sam reaction: "oh thays so cool!!" *cool ass shot in the suit* (in a more high pitched voice)"oH THATS SO COOL!!!!!!"

-god im so autistic

-mb

-but dude it was so duxking cool.

-goin in crotch-first. Sure

-"it isnt funny!!" "It is kinda funny 😏"

-the suit is soooo shiny in this movie .... i like it

-"ey watch it!!! I'm swingin ere!!!!!!!"

-honestly good on connor for not wanting to test on humans

-gwen stacy is trying so hard while peter is going thru the most insane genetic changes

-sorry but if i was having boy over i would not leave my hair up in a tight ponytail n headband. That's just a gateway to a headache

-is. Is connor ok

-erm

-peter oh boy

-bro is insulting his crush's dad 💀

-ew

-ew

-what rhe freak

-sparkly suit :]

-awwww floaty car scene

-what no

-"who are you?" "...Spider-Man."

-OUGHHHH

-Ohhh he and his gf are super duper mart. So she knows abt spider real quick!!! They can science it ..... together

-"not dressed up, he has transformed himself into a giant lizard." I love how he delivered that line

-ate

-ITS ONLY BEEN 6 MINUTES IM GOING INSANE

-ok he pull up

-i guess web down??

-ok he web down

-oooo thats freaky

-not the web bit but like. The fight im at rn

-NOOO OTHE CAMERAAAA NOOOOOOOOOOOO

-gwen is absolutely hilarious

-why kissy when need to heal wounds.

-PETA PPAEERKER says lizard connor

-bro has it out for a highschooler

-*pulls gwen in reaaaaal close* "im gonna throw you out a window now." "What?"

-proceeds to throw girlfriend crush lady thing

-"uh-oh! Someone has been a baaaad lizard ...."

-best stan lee cameo so far

-"gwen! Gwen! You mmmother hubbard... are you serious???"

-WHY IS GE VAKEX UP?????

-WHY???

-they set up the cranes for him!!!!

-yay!!!

-gwen dad . Dead

-bro got prison'd

[localplaguenurse]

I can’t stop thinking about my original interpretation of gold as the Gingko trees.

So anyways au where Morax is actually a yandere and he keeps wifey in his house and there’s the illusion of freedom where he allows them to go wherever they want (but only in liyue!) because he can feel their presence and everytime they get close to lilei he makes sure to divert them away from her.

noooooooooooo :( wifeyyyyy

So like I don’t hate yanderes, but it’s super conditional. If it makes an interesting story or character then by all means go for it. While I usually skip fics that have the yandere tag, if I’m reading a fic and realize “oh shit I didn’t see the tags” but I’m already invested, I’m not gonna click off. I’m also not opposed to writing it in the future, hell I think some of the ideas I have for the eventual Archon reader fic border on yandere, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. (His ass is not getting there at this rate.)

I think I just like heavily diluted or very tame yanderes. Like stalking, manipulation, unhealthy obsessions and probably murder? No thanks, but clingy, a little overprotective, and willing to rock someone’s shit for you? That’s good soup. That is some damn good soup. I guess I want a yandere that understands boundaries but I think that defeats the whole point lmao.

I find it interesting that you thought it was gonna go yandere. Thinking back, I can see how some parts have yandere vibes, but the thought never even occurred to me while writing or reading it. The arranged marriage maybe but still. I’m curious what it was that had you going “yandere?”

[womanofwords]

Portrait Retouching

Superhero was being led out of his own building in handcuffs. So were Hero and Sidekick. Villain had no choice but to watch as their nemeses were being taken down by their own police. And the worst part was that they didn't even have the decency to be quiet as they were arrested. No dignity in any of them.

"No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" Superhero wailed. "I FUNDED YOU! I TRAINED YOU! UNHAND ME, YOU TRAITORS!"

"I can't go to jail! I put all of the prisoners in there in the first place!" Hero protested. Sidekick just cried.

"Disgusting," Villain said under their breath. "They could at least keep their mouths shut as they get taken away."

"I know," Supervillain said. Villain jumped.

"Don't do that!" Villain glowered at Supervillain, who just laughed. "You're going to give me a heart attack one of these days!"

"But you're so cute when you're scared," Supervillain taunted. "Anyway, I have a job for you. You'll be working with me, of course, and it's about the government auction. Those heroes were in a lot of debt."

Villain smiled. "What's the plan?"

(PAUSE)

"This is a terrible plan. I should never have agreed to the plan," Villain said. "Are we really going to do this?"

"Of course we will," Supervillain said. "We'll be in and out in no time. And it'll be glorious."

"OK."

"That's what I like to hear, Villain." Supervillain opened a portal and dragged them through it. Villain found themselves in a cold storage room, with mounds of Heroes' League gadgets.

"What the hell is going on in here? Supervillain, did you rob the heroes without me?" Villain asked.

Supervillain gasped. "I would never rob someone behind your back. The police did this. It's going to be sold at auction to pay back the city for fraudulent charges, damages, stuff like that."

"Oh." Villain's face burned.

"Villain, look at this beauty!" Supervillain said, gesturing towards a giant oil painting of Superhero's permanently stern face.

"I wouldn't call it a beauty," Villain muttered. Supervillain pressed a spray can into their lover's hands.

"Maybe it would look better if you and I made some adjustments." Supervillain said. "Would you like to go first, darling?"

Villain grinned. "I'm going to draw a Harry Potter lightning bolt scar on their forehead."

(PAUSE)

"And in a scandalous turn of events, the self-portrait of Superhero that was taken into evidence has somehow been defaced," a female news anchor reported, as Supervillain and Villain snuggled together on the sofa.

"Aww, they saw our artwork," Supervillain cooed.

"Police are at a loss as to how this could have happened," she said. Turning to her male counterpart, she asked a rhetorical question. "I knew that Superhero was widely disliked, but this is a bit much, don't you think?"

"Nah," Villain and Superhero said in unison, snuggling together.