#Not to mention the damage regarding mental health

[gayflagblog]

The /global page has been updated again, this time with a link I erroneously thought I included before due to retweeting a post about it on Twitter and an entirely new submitted one.

[vigilskeep]

Do we know enough about how Crow succession and talonship works to believe it would be possible for Viago to take the seat of first talon either through some sort of non-violent coup in the absence of an heir to house Dellamorte or through marrying his kid (rook) off to Lucanis? Asking because I really don't know and would love to write something in that direction...and you seem a crow enthusiast...also love your blog

THEORETICALLY. yes.

we haven’t seen the talons shift directly, but they do shift, with regularity. house arainai was first talon in living memory and then fell slowly downwards to their current point where they’re struggling in and out of eight talon like a drowning man who keeps finding his way to air for just enough breath

the eight talons system, if you’ll allow me the tangent, is a really fascinating choice of fantasy hierarchy because it is such a clear hierarchy. among a bunch of ambitious killers whose prime goal is notoriety. you can only hold each position here if everyone below you is too afraid to do anything about it. what an anxiety trip it must be to decide whether to push someone down just one rung or to try to destroy them entirely; do you want to leave your rival with more opportunity or more motivation? but crow power is also all about theatre, all about perception—you are first or fifth or seventh talon primarily because everyone agrees that you are—so making a failed gambit for a higher talon has got to be incredibly damaging. which is a risky setup. it discourages attempts, but when someone does make an attempt, they will not be fucking around

anyway ignore all that we’re talking about soft takeovers today. okay so house dellamorte has a dying core family, theoretically. we’re making the assumption that no surviving young children from any branch of the family are mentioned because none exist. we have two heirs, neither very acceptable (my apologies to caterina’s delusions), both men in their 30s with (again, assumed) no children, and neither making much progress in that regard. (arguably dependent on player choice when it comes to lucanis, but since he can fall in love with and express his undying devotion to any kind of rook, we can at least say he’s not making that much effort.) within a generation the core family may die out. but that is a LONG TIME to wait. you still have to deal with the current ones, they’re pretty robust

lucanis is the current first talon as of the end of veilguard. can he be convinced to give this up and hand first talon over to someone better suited? i do believe it. mostly because i need to believe, for my mental health, that we can get him out of there. but he also now has a fairly bulky support system full of people who love him and will notice how bad this is going to be and convince him he deserves things like a life he doesn’t hate

as always your main problem is caterina. caterina is not going to allow a takeover, soft or otherwise, while she is still alive. caterina didn’t give up first talon when they murdered her children. there’s probably an emotional plot in here where she can be made to accept what she’s done to her family, far too late, but with time left to save just one by letting him go. on the other hand, i’ve also been experimenting with plots in my mind where she tries to quietly get rid of viago or romanced rook for having too much influence, with the added benefit on hopefully being able to steel & refocus lucanis on defending the house against whoever she frames. or plots where she blames lucanis trying to leave and not being the boy she remembers on his, you know, demonic possession, and attempts to forcibly remove or destroy spite. so. there’s potential ups and downs, here.

i don’t know how helpful rook de riva/lucanis is. most of your problem here is that everything that sets this ending up by giving the de rivas more power, and by giving any rook more power over lucanis, is something that in my mind would crank caterina’s wariness all the way up. house de riva surely has to move up from fifth already after the events of the game and look more like a contender, and i don’t think even caterina’s delusions about lucanis’ suitability for first talon could make her blind to the effect rook can obviously have. i definitely think she would delay on a marriage and have the power to do that

i think it’s worth saying that rook de riva at any point bringing up to lucanis the idea of handing things over to viago would be a hell of a conversation. i know lucanis never remotely suspects rook of any agenda and trusts them completely, and i know i agree with rook here, but you’ve GOT to see how “i love you and having power is bad for you and what you should do is hand it all over to my talon” sounds. i truly could not blame him for a bit of doubt here especially if caterina was around to suggest it

sorry this is a completely messy and disconnected response. i don’t even know if i had a point. you might have to wait for caterina to actually die? is that my point? i can see rook de riva/lucanis being helpful to ease a transition of power to house de riva then. i also think it’s worth pointing out that teia might be the better contender for all this out of the two lovebirds. what quietly makes teia probably the most dangerous talon in the crows, if she ever chose to be, is that everyone likes her. i’m not joking or trying to handwave crow politics, it’s a form of soft power and the result of her cultivated skill that nobody ever suspects teia of anything. even caterina treats her gently, and literally a talon who tried to murder all the others in tevinter nights was delaying murdering her because she was his favourite. if anyone can handle a gentler transition like what we’re talking about, maybe it’s more likely to be teia

[shotanzz]

THE CURRENT/FUTURE STATE OF RIIZE

based on astrology/tarot

Authors Note: In this reading I will be reading and making prediction about the current/future state of Riize as well as mentioning seunghan and his situation in this reading in order to give insight to those who requested it, in the astrological area of the reading I will be using whole sign.

Let's get the elephant out of the room and discuss Seunghan. There are a couple of transits that firmly show this situation regarding him. Mars associated with conflict, harm, fighting, arguments and in hellenistic astrology separation is transiting Riize's 6th house which is associated with coworkers and the work environment. This transit within itself eludes to Seunghan's severance and departure of the group and the possible conflicts and damage control regarding it. Mars is also sextile Uranus which shows the sudden and quick impact and deciding factors of this. Mercury aspecting Saturn can be associated with difficult news and decisions and currently these planets are transiting their 10th house of career and reputation as well as the 2nd house of income..there's definitely money and company semantics as well as an attempt to preserve something involved with the situation.

GROUP TRANSITS/PREDICTIONS:

Mercury transiting the 10th house in scorpio, there could be a lot of talk about the group in itself within the next month as well as people trying to “investigate” what the company could possibly be doing behind the scenes due to a lack of explanation and communication, tabloids + rumors + exposed info could be prevalent

Saturn will be direct and leave their 2nd house of income finances soon and transit through their 3rd house of communication, immediate environment, familiar spaces, minor travel and friends. The members might not travel as much as they previously did or their travels may be limited to certain areas as well. There might be a change in the groups social media presence/activity

Pluto is currently direct and will be transiting into their 1st house of identity, self and how they project their image soon. the group might do a complete change in aesthetics, look and style or deconstruct and rebuild their gimmick/concept and it might cause a ripple effect

Jupiter is currently retrograde in their 5th house of creations/creativity, artistic pursuits, fun, entertainment and is aspecting Saturn. the group might have to rethink or redo the creative direction they’ll take and their events or comebacks might take longer or are delayed. they also may gain attention and have to base their creations on what is bringing them the most attention

Jupiter will also soon transit their 6th house of work environment, coworkers, responsibilities, service/servitude, health and routine in 2025. We may hear about them getting new staff or workers, they may be in better working conditions/schedules, they could be very booked and busy and have a lot to do or take care of, their overall group health will be favorable but there might be some minor injuries

Mars will soon transit their 7th house and retrograde back into their 6th so there might be changes in contracts (for example cutting off a contract w/ a certain brand) or changes in power within them, as well as maybe cutting ties w/ certain staff and employees

GROUP ENERGY READING

Do I have consent for this reading: Ace Of Cups & The Moon; Yes ! but I must keep the members anonymous.

MEMBER A:

( The Emperor, KoS, 7oW, 4oS, The Hanged Man, AoS Rx, Death, and 4oP)

Stoicism stoicism stoicism. This member just wants to hold things together until all this chaos passes. They feel as though there’s no point in trying to control what they can’t and that they should only control what they can which is their self and their feelings. I’m hearing “I know that things won’t be the same”. He really just wants to keep his mental in check and surrender to the changes around him. However it’s not giving a “defeated energy”; this member refuses to let his mental health drown too bad and even if he can’t be the happiest atm he knows he shouldn’t let himself wear himself out with the possible stress and upset

MEMBER B:

( Justice Rx, 2oP Rx, 5oC, Judgement Rx, 4oC, 7oS, 10oC Rx, 9oC Rx, AoC Rx, 2oS)

He feels blindsighted and deceived and as if things genuinely didn’t go as planned. He might have been convinced by someone or convinced himself that things would be smooth sailing for the rest of the year and that the past issues and problems wouldn’t be something to deal with anymore. There’s a big contemplation and thinking about the “unfairness” of everything. He feels like everyone involved and being impacted has been done wrong and there wasn’t unfiltered honesty about everything. I’m hearing the phrase “stand up” he wants there to be accountability taken by someone specific..rather than a team of people ? A staff or manager maybe ? I pulled another card and the King of Pentacles came out so ???

MEMBER C :

( 8oC, 8oW, 9oS, Wheel of Fortune, The High Priestess, 4oC, The Hermit, 2oW/ Channeled Song: She Knows - Jcole)

This person feels like they saw this chaos coming. It’s as if this was a “worst case scenario/nightmare” idea that they’d always come back to in the back of their mind that’s finally came to fruition. Similar to Member A they mainly want to keep themselves level headed and let things play out whether if it’s for better or worse. He’s in a very observant energy. He may have a “deeper”understanding of the situation than the others so he might seem like he’s “ok” and “moving forward” when really he’s extremely in his head..as if he’s on the “outside looking in”, he’s detached himself almost so he won’t get stuck “like he did before” im hearing

MEMBER D:

(5oS, 8oS, 2oC Rx, The Empress Rx, QoC Rx, 10oS, The Lovers Rx, 5oP/ Channeled song: Afraid - The Neighborhood)

They feel on edge and uncomfortable right now. It’s like they’re anticipating on what’s gonna happen next and how it’s going to happen. I’m hearing the channeled song and the phrase “im so over it”. The best thing I can compare this energy to is when you have a terrible day at school/work but when you get home there’s more things to deal with, or when you’re constantly arguing or bumping heads with someone and don’t care anymore. There’s also a negative critical feminine energy that this member feels turned their back on him or this female energy keeps doing things that goes against his wants/wishes. There isn’t a romantic tie to this feminine energy tho..but the member is making it seem that’s it’s obvious who it is but I don’t really know and they won’t elaborate so I’ll just close off here.

MEMBER E:

(The Sun, The Chariot, 8oP, 10oW, The Devil, 2oP, KnoC)

This member is giving me the least info and im hearing “you already know the deal” so I guess the assumptions I have towards how he feels atm is good enough. This member feels overwhelmed and definitely is trying to manage and keep himself emotionally and mentally above water . But, it’s as though he’s bound by a responsibility..he’s being the most optimistic as he can be and just wants to move forward. It’s like he’s trying to keep himself happy and busy while also dealing with the motions of everything. He may also be putting his feelings aside for how and is more busy comforting everyone around him who’s feeling more upset and frustrated.

MEMBER F:

(The Moon, The Star Rx, 6oW Rx, 7oP, 6oP, Strength Rx, 7oC, AoP)

This member feels pretty unstable and similar to Member B they feel disillusioned. They hate how up and down everything has been. They’re very disappointed on how things are turning out because they were just so much more optimistic about everything after a long period of being unsure just to be unsure and feeling a lack of security again. They’re very aware or mostly thinking about the financial aspect of things too and are feeling a lack of security there as well. Just a very disappointed and melancholic energy..similar to when you get bad news you don’t have any say over. They’re trying not to be pessimistic but they can’t help it

MEMBER G:

( The Fool Rx, 3oS, 5oW, 3oP Rx, 3oC Rx, 9oW, Justice, 8oW, 6oC, 10oP Channeled Song: Are We Still Friends- Tyler the Creator & Sorry Not Sorry - Tyler the Creator)

Member G lowkey wants to go home or wants to go somewhere or be in a place mentally where they can feel more relaxed again. Im hearing the phrase “things were much more simpler”. They might also be in disagreement with a lot of people or people might have a lot of misconceptions about everything and he doesn’t like the fact that people are getting the wrong idea about how everything is. He might also feel a bit disconnected from everyone and that includes coworkers and people in his inner circle. For the channeled songs it’s making me feel as if this member feels almost guilty and so apologetic but not apologetic at the same time ? like he knows he doesn’t need to feel all this pressure and guilt but does

[ratwithhands]

Hi, Viewer Discretion:

This AU is about a nonexistent fictional mental health condition. There is imagery of straitjackets and other restraints, as well as mention of discrimination based off of health conditions. If you are uncomfortable with this content then please feel free to click off and enjoy something else. Thank you.

Dressing Sketch

Uniform Sketches

League Party sketch

Sketch dump for Battle Addict! This art has been gathering dust for a few months 😭 only just remembered to post it here.

These sketches are from Ver. 3 of Battle Addict, aka Battle Addict Twins, where both of them get the HCCM diagnosis.

The base idea for Battle Addict is that while most people enjoy Pokémon battling, there comes a certain point where one's love/obsession for battle starts bleeding into the rest of their life and becoming detrimental to their everyday life. This is usually called Combative Mania (CM), which is present in a large part of the population (40%-60%) hence why battling is so popular and so many different forms of it are made to keep people satisfied. The extreme form is Hyper-Competitive Combative Mania (HCCM), wherein a person spends so much time and energy for battles that it starts to affect their physical/mental health as well as their social life, since they neglect them in favour of their obsession.

Often what divides CM patients from HCCM patients is what they're willing to give up for battling and the extent of their knowledge regarding battles. CM patients usually only have a casual interest in battling or just enjoy the thrill of battling, but operate normally and have other interests outside of battle. They have basic to intermediate knowledge of battling, and can often partake in research or battles.

HCCM patients will often forgo food, water, sleep, school, work, and relationships in favour of researching and competing in battles. It is the only thing they find interest in and they devote most of their time towards it. Patients often memorize entire charts of statistics and different strategies and counterstrategies for battle, with different patients often having a certain subject they specialize in. Most patients with HCCM are unaware that they have it, they either assume that they have CM or that they are completely normal and just enjoy Pokémon battles. They often go into fields that work directly with researching Pokémon or battles, such as professors, scientists, gym leaders, elite four members, league workers, battle facility operators, and so on.

Ingo and Emmet do not know they have HCCM. They engage with battle and researching battle in a way that they think is typical for a hobbyist. Ingo tends to read on academic papers, textbooks, and study guides regarding the statistics and capabilities of Pokémon, whereas Emmet takes a more hands-on approach in studying Pokémon anatomy and battle strategy. Ingo often charts and studies natures, EVs, IVs, stat spreads, abilities, moves, and their properties. Emmet sketches anatomical diagrams and studies of Pokémon, including skeletal structure, musculature, organ systems, and physical appearance, highlighting pressure points in the body for executing the most damage and for keeping his own Pokémon protected. He also tends to read into psychological studies as well as conducting his own long term tests to predict a person's strategy in different situations. The two feed into each other's interests, teaching the other of their own discoveries and celebrating breakthroughs together. As a result, their total knowledge of battling is immense, which led to them becoming Subway Bosses straight out of college.

The two lived and worked fairly normally; they were very passionate about their work and it provided a way to sate their need for fighting on a regular basis, as well as giving them the space to experiment with different fighting styles and analyze others' strategies. Of course they still continue their studying outside of work, which often leads to them trying different methods or revisiting recorded battles to see how they could improve. The twins still believe their hours long discussions, piles of notes, and stacks of study materials littered around their house are perfectly fine, only stopping to reconsider after a comment from a coworker highlights how they must be crazy or incredibly disciplined to have as huge of a win : loss ratio as they do.

They end up taking the issue to a psychiatrist after dwelling on the idea for a few days, which is where they get diagnosed after a few tests and a description of their lifestyle and interests. Their case is considered moderate but could easily escalate into severe if left unchecked, though the main concern is whether this would make them a threat to other people due to their work and prominence. Obviously they don't want to lose their jobs, but this kind of thing could get them removed from the League Council if it got out, so they have to consider whether they share this information with their employers or not. Ingo thinks it'd be best to keep it under wraps, but Emmet fears that this could be used as blackmail and argues that they need to release this information themselves before someone else ruins their lives with it. Eventually they do take the diagnosis to the League Council and it gets out to the public.

Emmet takes the fall for Ingo, claiming his case is severe whereas Ingo's is mild so that the League Council will be more distracted with him to bother Ingo. That ends up with Emmet getting a new restraining uniform because the League no longer trusts him to handle himself in public based off his diagnosis. Neither of them are particularly pleased about this, but Emmet tells Ingo to look on the bright side. Emmet actually starts to find the jacket to be more of a little challenge than a hindrance, as it adds an extra level of difficulty to battles that he's been looking for, but Ingo still thinks it would be better if he hadn't had to wear it at all. This unfortunately extends to League parties where he has to be restrained to even be allowed entry, which he is much less happy about.

This post is getting ungodly long as it is but there's also a branch off of this concept where Ingo and Emmet land in Hisui together and Emmet's uniform looks like this. He deconstructed the uniform he was given to modify his jacket since by that point he had a bit of a sentimental connection to it and didn't want to just swap it out.

(Bonus fun fact: Ingo and Emmet decided to pull the biggest gag on the Pearl Clan when they first land by pretending to be one person under the alias Eki. Ingo is the polite one in the dark coat by day, and Emmet is the energetic one in the white coat by night. "Day Eki" is more popular with other Wardens and older clan members, whereas "Night Eki" is more popular with the village children and insomniacs.

The whole Warden Eki concept is technically its own AU in the background but it did originate from Battle Addict. Also I already drew Emmet in the Pearl Strait I can't take that back)

Anyways uhhh there's more let me see if I can condense it:

The twins went to a University specifically focused on battle (Champion's University), where they ended up studying subjects in their specific interests. Emmet took psychology of battle and Pokémon anatomy to learn about the weak points in trainers and Pokémon, and Ingo took general statistics and study of moves which are exactly what they sound like

The twins use the Vs Recorder all the time, both to track their own progress and to observe how passengers fight. It's often stuck to the glass windows to catch the Pokémon in the middle of the car, though they have considered buying Rotom Drones expressly for this purpose

Emmet actually has a stack of different studies on weak points in the human body but he doesn't share that with anyone, not even Ingo

Emmet's study of trainer psych has led to him often predicting tactics before they happen and dodging/countering them with his Pokémon. He often challenges himself to predict a person's team, moveset, and strategy based on appearance, gait, and body language, sharing his guesses with Ingo in case he makes any useful observations

Ingo and Emmet are possibly the first instance of causing "learned HCCM" in their Pokémon because after the training that they do together, the Pokémon have developed their own independent bloodlust and have started memorizing the move strategies that the twins have them use

Sometimes to celebrate fully completing a study on a particular set of Pokémon, the twins will eat one. This is mostly as a treat and an inside joke, but they will research what's in season/allowed and go hunt for one. Ingo is usually the one to catch it, and Emmet is the one to cook it. There's some really goofy shitposts about them going after pseudo-legendaries overseas, or Palkia's leg in Hisui

The twins can perform full medical care on any Pokémon and can often grind for hours nonstop since they can heal their teams themselves. They also save a lot on healing items this way

After releasing their diagnosis, the perception of the twins have gone in wildly different directions. Some people treat them as subhuman or as monsters, some people don't care, some people call them psycho yandere boys on twitter. Emmet tends to get more of the negative connotations, Ingo tends to get the more "positive" ones. Emmet also tends to get a lot of stares due to his restraint and status as a crazed fighter, which he pretends doesn't get to him

I think that's everything, I'm going to go collapse. Hope you guys enjoy 👍

[myfandomrealitea]

Your post regarding specifc places for things and some places dont need a vent channel it helped me realise that the people i follow online were damaging to my health. They were constantly sharing real people who died horrifically and saying things like "if you dont share you're supporting violence " while i only joined social media to view art.

I actively speak about real life events offline with my family, we always talk about whats happening in the world once a week and mention anything new within the local and worldwide news. I didn't understand why social media was worsening my mental health around these topics since i could speak about it in real life with my family. i assumed i was horrible for simply not wanting to see it online, When your post about a safe space came up i realised why it made me feel so bad, the artists i followed no longer were posting art and were just constantly sharing news daily about horrific events. It became inescapable and i was unknownly doomscrolling for hours on social media while hoping to see art (that just made me feel bad viewing after seeing so much death) , my only escape was going offline. I already made new accounts just for art and Im so thankful for your post since i did avoid everything that was about real world events since the account is only for art and i feel so much more.. i guess happier.. but definitely more mentally healthy if that makes sense? It felt like my mind was drained or foggy when scrolling through social media, and i wasnt actually paying attention before but now its a lot more, clear, healthy and positive. Im able to think properly and actually pay attention and appreciate the good things online

I'm so glad I was able to help you on your journey to bettering your wellbeing. Its an aspect of why I run this blog and talk about the things that I do.

So very often people don't actually register or realize what parts of their lives are causing stress. They attribute it to 'working too much' or 'not sleeping enough' without realizing that there are direct causes for things like not sleeping enough. And I'm not saying every single part of life comes back to activism, but very often we don't even realize how much negativity and forced awareness we're exposing ourselves to.

I used to religiously follow accounts on Instagram which posted about animal abuse. Other than a handful of celebrities my Instagram feed would be the most graphic videos you could imagine of people hacking into live dogs with axes, boiling cats alive in huge vats of water, jockeys tearing at horse's mouths until their teeth were loose and they were leaving a trail of blood as they walked the winner's circle.

I used to think if I wasn't constantly forcing myself to acknowledge that these things were happening, if I wasn't constantly reminding myself the extent at which these things happen, I was a bad person. I wasn't a real animal lover. If I truly loved animals why wasn't I sharing these videos? Why wasn't I sitting there with thousands of other people acknowledging what animals go through while I sit comfy at home doing nothing?

It got the point where I'd be throwing up constantly, I refused to sleep because I was terrified of the nightmares and my hands would shake as I opened up the Instagram app because I dreaded what I'd see today.

It wasn't helping me. It wasn't helping the animals. I'm just as aware now of what animals go through without having to see any of it.

But now, I have the wellbeing to actually devote myself to meaningful activism. Not just tormenting myself to no outcome. Now, I have the willpower and the energy to sign petitions and do research and take steps in my own life to better the welfare of the animals in my care.

Now I can sleep at night and wake up well-rested with the energy and the motivation to do things both for myself and for other people. Now, I can scroll Instagram and leave polite, correctional comments on misguided videos about animals. Now I have the knowledge to devote my attention and my efforts to where it actually makes a difference and changes animal's lives.

It is such, such a hard thing to drag yourself out of. We're so conditioned into thinking suffering shared is suffering lessened. We're so conditioned into believing that by spamming words anywhere we can we are the direct cause of change.

Its a hell of a learning climb. A steep one. But I genuinely believe the world would be better off for learning and changing as we both had the courage to.

[listentoace]

Hey, I wanted to address a couple of things.

I have been receiving several asks regarding some of my recent posts. I admit they are darker than the usual stuff. That was a decision I consciously made, because I do tend to have darker fantasies and wanted to see how they would be received. I consider most of the criticism I received to be valid points. Here are a few of them:

The whole idea of "ruining yourself"/"ruining your body" as you're gaining weight can be found fatphobic

Connecting feederism to habitual behavior, addiction, loss of control, and even brain damage can be found scary or even disturbing

Encouraging people to embrace health issues (both physical and mental) because of feederism can be found toxic

Constantly connecting feederism and weight gain with the negative side effects (sluggishness and laziness, health issues, societal judgement, etc.) can lead to the conclusion that feederism, obesity, indulgence, etc. are generally bad things

I won't try to defend myself. In fact, I completely agree with (most) criticism I received. The only kind of "criticism" I don't recognize are attacks toward me personally, but that's just reflected in a minority of the asks I receive. To all people who have sent me asks: it's great that you're sharing your opinion and thoughts, and I encourage you to keep doing so!

I think it is necessary to mention again that I don't mean anyone any harm. I am not fatphobic, and I do not mean to force any kinks upon anyone. This is just me writing and recording some horny ideas I occasionally have for those people who are into the same stuff. It is also very important to mention that in many cases, the fantasy of something can be very hot, while the reality of it could be very stressful and traumatizing. This is especially the case with more intense fantasies and kinks, e.g., being kidnapped and fattened. Everything I write takes place in "fantasy land". Nothing I post is meant as a threat, actual encouragement for dangerous behavior or self harm, or other harmful behavior. Pleae keep this in mind!

Getting back to the criticism: Yes, I like the dark stuff. I am very intrigued by the idea of feedees getting fatter for pleasure, despite all the negative consequences that can come with weight gain and obesity. I also enjoy calling people out for it, both with mild teasing and with very direct "you're damaging yourself" claims. I know that this is not everybody's cup of tea, which is why I already tag all posts with darker topics related to self-destruction, severe health issues, permanent damage and even death with "#death feederism" and "#death feedist". This is also mentioned in my pinned info post under "My Content", encouraging people to hide these tags who are not into certain content I post. However, it is quite clear that this isn't a great solution – otherwise I would not be receiving these asks.

I am very open to solving this issue together. After all, it always has been my personal ambition to write and record content for your enjoyment and pleasure. I want to make you – the readers and listeners – feel good and excited. I don't mean to scare or disturb you with my darker fantasies and kinks that don't appeal to you. Nonetheless, I do enjoy causing "holy shit, this is really bad, but it just feels so good!" pleasure and horniness.

In the past, I occasionally made use of trigger warnings at the top of my posts. If I recall correctly, I did hide the main content behind the "Keep reading" button. This was not consistent, but I am open to generally implementing this for all future posts that include sensitive subjects, such as death feederism, consensual non-consent, heavy conditioning and brain damage, or severe degradation and objectification.

However, before I do that, I first wanted to recognize the asks I received and open the conversation by addressing these issues. I encourage you to share your thoughts on this with me in the comments, asks, or my dms. Please let me know whether you think the combination of a trigger warning and a "Keep reading" button is sufficient and reasonable. I will still be tagging my posts accordingly, like I've done in the past, so filtering through hiding certain hashtags will remain an option either way.

I'm looking forward to your feedback and ideas, thank you for the criticism! :)

[penvisions]

of beskar and kyber {chapter 9}

Pairing: Din Djarin x Force Sensitive! Reader (the Mandalorian x Force Sensitive! Reader)

Summary: Back on Tatooine, where you once resided, a lot of thoughts and emotions consume you. Trying your best to field them while Din is away on a job with an eager young man who is willing to prove himself worthy of joining the very Guild that Din betrayed.

Word Count: 8.8k

Warnings: canon typical violence, canon typical fighting, gun violence, ptsd, trauma, nightmares, physical illness, vomiting, avoidance of food, food trauma, physical descriptions of injuries (brief), thoughts of suicidal ideation, mention of past suicide attempt, mentions of past self-harm (not detailed), description of scars, body image issues, sexual trauma, mention of past SA (not detailed / brief), reference to past captivity / slaving environment, major angst, mental illness

A/N: hello, hello. a lot has been going on in my personal life and i had exams due last week. i received a comment on chapter 7 regarding san's mental health and how it felt 'rushed' bc she didn't exhibit typical trauma responses 'enough'. and while i appreciate the reader reaching out, to hear that i'm not writing an angsty enough exploration of her experiences and trauma was a little disheartening, bc i don't want to write such a full bodied character with a rich background to feel 'glossed over'. especially with having planned exactly that for this chapter. healing isn't linear, good moments and passages of time where things almost seem to be okay is completely normal. so with that in mind, this is a rather heavy chapter, i've had it planned for a while to explore san's mental state now that there is no impending return to her mother or inherent survival instincts she's reliant on with din willing to watch out for and protect her. thank you all for reading, i appreciate each and every one of you, you have no idea how much

ao3 link || series masterlist || main masterlist

Sparks flew inside the control room as you rushed to your seat, hands grabbing onto anything it could to help keep balance as you did so, the ship wavering heavily with the effort it was taking to keep the course of flight steady. Alarm blaring to let the pilot and crew know that some damage was taken from a successful hit to one of the engines. Din seemed to be collected, but you could tell that being tracked by another person piloting a ship the second he dropped out of hyperspace was a worry to him. The ship sputtered loudly as the same engine took another hit.

“Hold on.” He announced as he maneuvered the ship into a smooth spiral. The movement offset your sense of gravity and you shut your eyes tight as he tried to evade the determined attacker. One the ship was back into a right side up path, he was muttering to himself too low for you to hear over the cacophony of the ship and blasters raining down all around, some of them zooming past you into the empty space around the ship before tapering off with nothing to land on and cause damage. The bright red of their beams lighting up the near darkness of the control room.

“I can bring you in warm, or I can bring you in cold.” The voice transmission crackled with static as Din quickly jerked one of the few gear shifts, this one seeming to be for some sort of speed control system as the ship lurched to a halt. The spare second of silence with the engines ceasing operation was broken by a twin wooshes that made you think enough damage was done in such a short time that the ship would falter and you’d be left floating dead in space with no running mechanics. Your chest panged with the force of falling forward and the belt around you dug into your front. As soon as you were able to, you turned your head over to the Child, seeing him struggling just the same as you, if not more so due to his size.

With the attacking ship now in front of the Crest, Din quickly locked onto it, the screen beeping with a good track.

“That’s my line.” His voice was even, only a hint of the annoyance he was feeling seeping through before he fired a hit with every blaster canon that was still operating. The ship exploded in front of you with a roar, the flare of it so bright it lit up the control room in a red and orange hue.

Alarms were still blaring as Din tried to gather diagnostics. He only managed to come to one conclusion before the engines powered down and sent you all into darkness, either by his hand or of their own accord to conserve power: the ship was losing fuel.

“Can you flip that back up switch on the wall behind you?”

“Oh, um, yes. Of course.” You unbuckled the belt from around you, still feeling it pressing into your skin even though it had lost its tension. Standing swiftly, you felt around the wall for what he was talking about and flipped it. As soon as you did, a faint red glow signaled that some things were back up and running, drawing from whatever power you had just engaged. He was busy switching switches and pressing controls, trying to get the ship to sputter back to life as much as possible. He seemed to know what he was doing as the engines kicked back on and the ship was moving through space once again.

All was quiet for a few moments of travel until the brightness of an approaching planet came into view, growing to encompass most of the view from the control room as it loomed closer.

“This is Mos Eisley Tower, we are tracking you. Head for bay three-five, over.”

“Copy that, locked in for three-five.”

“He’s fast asleep.” You carefully cradled the Child in your hands, having decided to bathe him while the ship closed in and landed on the planet. He was snoring quietly, the sound rather cute. It had been a challenge, he was small enough to fit in the fresher sink but he hadn’t been a fan of the water temperature the second it had begun to cool during the endeavor. You had just cooed to him, letting him know with soft words that he was alright and could sleep as long as he liked afterwards.

“We can secure him in my room, while we go and get a lay of the land.”

When you didn’t say anything in response or move to place the bundle in the small space, Din came up behind you and placed a hand on your upper arm in a silent question. It took you a moment to gather your thoughts, to figure out how to best explain your hesitancy without seeming too…you didn’t even know. You felt guilt for nearly leaving the small being behind in your attempt to run away from your own fate. Abandoning the only other being who you knew had gone through what you had as your temple got stormed and destroyed all those years ago. How easy it had been for you to defer to self-interest and preservation when he was so reliant and those around him. Another victim you hadn’t even given any thought to. He could easily fall into another situation like the one that you had both found yourselves in, captive at the hands of someone willing to sell you for their best interest. But he couldn’t fight his way out of it like you could.

“He’s…he’s so small, what if he wakes up and get confused?” Your breath shuddered as you spoke, giving away the emotions you felt consumed by.  You avoided looking over at the man close by, not wanting him to get a better read on your thoughts than he already was by the was you were having trouble speaking and muscles so tight you were worried they would snap if you moved too fast.

“He’ll be okay, we won’t be gone long.”

You nodded before securing him in his own little hammock, the door to the small space shutting and locking behind you as you followed the man down the ramp and into the sunlight. As you did so, three small droids no taller than your knees began to approach with various tools in their hands. The suddenness of Din brandishing his blaster and firing a shot toward them had your next step faltering. Confusion colored your expression at the rather admittedly pointless action.

“Hey!”

A short woman with extremely curly hair in a jumpsuit appeared from inside the hangars enclosed space, brandishing a heavy-duty diagnostic clipboard at him.

“You damage one of my droids, you’re gonna have to pay for it!”

“Just keep them away from my ship.” Din pointed a finger at them as they had popped back up from their cowering crouches and busied themselves in the presence of their owner.

“Yeah? Think that’s a good idea, do you? Let’s look at your ship.” Her eyes took in the tall form of the armored man in front of her, flickering to you behind him still atop the ramp, hidden mostly in the shadows of the interior. You had stopped following so closely as the blaster shot had rang through the air, not wanting to cause any trouble of your own. It was now, you were realizing, that you hadn’t really seen the man interact with another person in such a setting. The display he was putting on new to you after putting so much distance on direct interactions back on Sorgan. You had never actually seen him in a larger, more intricate setting.

Of course he would be different than when alone with you, the cautious and careful demeanor reserved only for you and the Child. Gruff nature seeming to be the way he operated with other people, new people. He didn’t mince words, you realized, and was a man of so little to begin with. It would make sense he had no notion of alluding to things, saying them plainly as they came to him. As the mechanic took a precursory look over the rather battered ship, you adjusted the cloak over your shoulders, making sure the front panels of it covered the handle of your weapon that was fastened to your belt.

The hemming and hawing of the mechanic filled the space with a one-sided conversation as you and Din watched her swivel about, taking stock of things that needed to be repaired and the damage done in such a small interaction.

“How did you even land? That’s gonna set you back.” She stepped away from the ship, facing the armored man directly now. Her expression was serious, the glint in her eye letting you know she was confident in her skills and knowledge to know that what she said was true. That most people didn’t argue with her when she told them what was wrong with their ships.  

“I’ve got 500 Imperial credits.” Was his easy response as he reached into a hidden pouch on his belt, pulling out a small pouch.

“That’s all you got?” She swiped the pouch from his offered hand harshly, as if worried he was only brandishing them at her and not actually going to hand them over in exchange for the work. She turned to address the droids that were still milling about the hangar space. “Well, what do you guys think?”

They only chittered in response, now all gathered beside her.

“That should at least cover the hangar.” Her eyes darted from him to you and back.

“I’ll get you your money.” His visor was tilted down as he addressed her seriously, no notes of betrayal in his tone.

“Hmm, I’ve heard that before.” She turned her full attention and sharp eyes to you, apparently done talking with him. “What, your wife not have anything to contribute?”

You resisted the urge to correct her and when Din didn’t your stomach did a flip. You tried not to let that little detail wiggle its way into your already overwhelmed mind, not wanting to dispel energy on overthinking the exchange. She focused on him again, seeing that you weren’t going to respond based on the way you had tensed slightly at her words.

“She’s to help earn credits to pay for the repairs as well.” He didn’t turn toward you as he spoke, keeping his gaze on the rather animated mechanic in front of him. “Just remember-“

“Yeah, no droids. I heard ya. You don’t have to say it twice.” Before she even finished talking, Din was walking off toward what you assumed was an exist route that opened up into the street of Mos Eisley.

His figure disappeared up the small set of steps that lead to it without so much as a glance over his shoulder to see if you were following.

“Jeez. Whomp rat.” The mechanic muttered under her breath. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the exchange, it was so interesting to see him interact with someone who didn’t seem to be afraid or intimidated by him in the slightest. She reminded you a bit of Cara and it softened your heart despite the words she had used to address you.

“You coulda picked a nicer man. With better people skills, no idea how he managed to get you.”

“He’s alright most of the time.” You offered her a small smile, reaching into your own pocket. Ignoring the way your chest fluttered at the insinuation of her words, you held out a small pouch of credits to her as well. You had divvied up your own currency when taking stock of things last night, wanting to keep some aboard the ship, some in your bag, and some on your person in case anything should arise. You had forgone your bag today, opting to leave it on the ship since you didn’t anticipate being gone long despite not knowing what was on the mental do-to list of your companion.

“For your troubles.” She reached out far more gently than she had with Din. Opening the pouch to quickly look over what you had just handed her. She looked up to you, with a cheeky grin you weren’t too sure how to read.

“This will help cover the repair for the fuel line, but it’s a lot of damage.”

“We’ll get you the money, you have my word.” As you turned, the front of your cloak lifted with a gust of wind, your weapon glinting in the sunlight. Her eyes widened slightly at the exposure of it, but her demeanor didn’t change in the slightest. She simply nodded at you and waved you away to get started on the repairs. Turning her attention to the droids, she started barking orders of things for them to fetch her.

The streets were busy, the further you followed Din into the city, away from the hangar and the outskirts that bled into the openness of the desert. You tried to keep a distance of a few feet behind him, but he was a fast walker. As he turned a corner, you spied a display of storm trooper helmets mounted on spikes and your heart nearly stopped. Steps faltering, you stood in front of them and took in the rust and blood that had been baked into the metal from the heat of the suns. They had to have been here for years. But for all the Maker was good, you couldn’t recall ever seeing the set up before during your previous time on the planet. Maybe you had been too preoccupied, maybe it had been a recent installment as a result of a battle?

You knew there were Imperial remnants scattered all over the galaxy, that much was to be expected after such an all-encompassing and long regime. But you hadn’t faced an actual storm trooper since before your capture, when whispers of the Empire falling had just begun to spread through word of mouth and the destruction of the Death Star was still a startling event. You had considered coming out of hiding then, to reach out to the few who had been rumored to help eradicate the whole organization. But you had been scared, worried, ashamed.

The names Luke and Leia Skywalker said on every planet, ushered in reverent tones. You hadn’t been in touch with the Force much during those days, your saber locked away in a trunk and buried deep in the place you hadn’t been able to call home, despite being there for so long at that point. Meditation and practiced routines with a wooden staff had been all that you kept up from your training, worried about drawing attention by doing anything else even that far out into the desert with no one the wiser of where you were.

Your mind was trying fruitlessly to supply a reason as to why they were there in front of you, but it couldn’t. It just was. Glaringly, jarringly there.

“They got what was comin’ to them.” A passerby nodded at you, noticing the way you seemed almost frozen in your stance. You nodded back to them, not willing to verbally speak with the person. They moved on down the street, in the direction opposite of where you had been following Din’s lead. The man’s steps were shuffling, while Din’s were not. The armored man was suddenly beside you and when you turned back around you tried not to let your surprise show.

He looked from you to the helmets and back. The heat of his eyes through the visor could rival the suns for all the concentration he was focusing on you in that moment. As if he was trying to read everything, he could from the way wrinkles formed over your brow as it had furrowed to the slightest downturn of your lips as your gaze focused on the display before you and he was catching a glimpse of the memories playing behind them.

“Cuyir gar jate?”

Are you okay?

Pitched low, a few feet from you, you would be the only one to hear his words. They didn’t register for a second, your thoughts consuming you again the moment white armor filled your gaze. Anxiety hummed through you, making your fingers and arms tingle, your legs tense. Your lungs felt much like they had when still healing from the metal that had made a home in and around them, all those weeks ago, it was hard to take a full breath.

“Elek, ni ceta.”

Yes, I’m sorry.

“Nayc linibar at cuyir.  Ni shi turned rud bal gar rucuyir dar.”

No need to be. I just turned around and you were gone.

Standing shoulder to shoulder, a breath of space between the pauldrons atop his and the fabric of your cloak. Being this close allowed you the realization that he made up a large, broad figure. Intimidating to some, but you were beginning to see around the walls he had meticulously built and underneath the armor. Privy to things most people never would be, all because he was letting you. Maybe letting him catch a glimpse of your own nature would be helpful…

“Ganar gar ru'akaanir ti verde?”

Have you fought with them before?

“Elek, val ru'ram'or te jetiise bajur-taap.” 

Yes, they attacked the Jedi school.

“Pehea ruug'la rucuyir gar?”

How old were you?

“Ta'raysh.”

Ten.

Silence fell, something permeating it that you didn’t want to explore. Emotions overwhelming and the conversation too real to handle, despite giving the man answers to the questions he had asked. Having wanted to provide answers to him. He had wanted to know, however small and painful, he had wanted to know. You could understand that, you were traveling on his ship after all. Of course he wanted to know some things about you. Needing to be alone, to not have the weight of the visor trained on you, you took a step back and looked down the street to your right. A faint buzz of conversation and movement could be heard from further down, indicating that the marketplace wasn’t too far from your position.

“Ni linibar kebise, cuyir bic jate par ni at slanar?”

I need some things, is it okay for me to go?

Feeling the small tug at the corner of your mouth as you try to mask your emotions from the man in front of you, you cut your eyes at him to get a glimpse. The visor stayed still, facing the display of the helmets still, but that didn’t mean that where his attention was focused. He could’ve very well been clocking the nerves that were sparking all along your body as anxiety smoldered inside and you would be none the wiser.

“Urcir norac sha te crest?”

Meet back at the Crest?

All you could manage was a single nod of confirmation before you were walking away from him, down a side street.

There was no trace of you other than the collection of things that had been deposited atop the makeshift table when Din returned to the hangar and ascended the ramp into the Crest. He scanned the space of the hold, not finding any other hints as to where you were other than your cloak neatly folded and placed atop the crate he had given you to store your belongings in. Heaving a sigh, he went to retrieve a bag of his own when the open door of his quarters caught his attention. The small space was empty, the blanket you had wrapped the Child in laying in a crumpled heap right in the middle of the cot.

“Hey!” His voice boomed across the hangar as he bounded down the ramp with quick steps, tension drawing him tight and sparking the beginning of a headache about his temples. The unknown on top of the questions he hadn’t been able to keep quelled earlier today in front of those kriffing helmets. The stab of fear that he pushed you had made his chest tight underneath the armor until you had given him answers. Something he had so selfishly sought out from you, knowing he had to right. But you had shared with him.

The commotion of the mechanic jolting awake could be heard from somewhere within the enclosed area of the surrounding infrastructure. Calls of her being there and awake making their way to his ears as he tried to push down the panic that rose in him the longer he didn’t know where you or the Kid were.

Surely you wouldn’t have just taken him and run? You couldn’t have, you had all but promised him you would return to the ship. Why would you have purchased whatever you had and left it only to disappear with the Child?

“Where is he?” Din gruffly demanded as her small form appeared, cradling the Child in her arms.   

“Quiet! Oh, you woke it up!” She spoke between soft hushes and bounces in an attempt to calm him down. “Do you have any idea how long it took me to get it to sleep?”

“Give him to me.” Din pointed a finger at her, letting his anger and emotions get the better of him in light of the unknown

“Not so fast.” She fired back at him, her own annoyance flaring at his aggressive behavior. “You know, you have an awful lot to learn about raising a young one. At least your wife, really nice girl, came back and asked me to watch over him if he woke up.”

“She left?” His tone was still harsh, but not as loud now, as he realized everything seemed okay. It was good, you had come back and tended to the Child when you dropped off whatever you had gotten at the marketplace. Visor aimed at the now calm form of the Child, taking in the way he seemed to be okay at the mention of you and in the arms of the mechanic. He was gazing up at her with wide, curious eyes.

“Said she needed a few more things but wanted to check on the little one. A load more responsible than you, not even telling me he was on board all alone.”

“Was… she okay when she returned?” Din was hesitant to ask but pushed through the feeling because the need to know overwhelmed him. He could ask you, he was aware of that, but you would most likely give a perfunctory answer. Something to appease him and seem like everything was okay or at least that you have everything under control. But the shouting, the nightmare, the crying he could hear from the shower the night before. The way you had seemed so hopeless and fragile when you said you could still feel their hands all over you…

It was concerning. Din could help to heal your body, heal you of physical injuries and tend to them as they required. Should you allow him to. But mentally? He had no idea how to even offer his help, beyond pulling you to him and making you feel safe. But even that could be in poor taste, he was realizing, when so much of your trauma stemmed from physical touch in the first place. 

“Seemed alright, a little anxious. Was kind enough to bring me some lunch.”

“Did she eat?”

“I don’t know, I’m not her keeper.” The mechanic tempered back with a huff. She seemed to soften momentarily, as she hushed and bounced the Child in her arms once again. “I didn’t see it, but she could’ve while out and about.”

She continued on to let him know the progress on the ship, messing with the diagnostic readings on the mechanics she had hooked the ship up to. As she spoke, he retrieved the bag he had come back for, letting it hang from his hand in favor of tossing it over his shoulder. With a rather pointed remark about starting the other repairs aside from the fuel line, she glanced down at the cooing Kid in her arms.

“I figured you were good for the money, since you have an extra mouth to feed and the reassurances of your wife.”

“Thank you,” His words were sincere, relief flooding him as everything did seem to be okay. You had come back with a promise to return, talked to the mechanic to check on the progress of the repairs, assured her of proper payment, and acted with responsibility.

The mechanic seemed momentarily taken aback by his genuine thanks, much like you had been when he first extended what comforts he could provide to you.

As you rounded the corner, with a heavy second haul of items, you took notice of the scene in front of the hangar door. There was a young man beside two speeders, the mechanic who was holding the Child securely in her arms, and Din, who you could sense was rather tense even from the distance.

“Hey, Mando. What do you think?” A younger man preened as he leaned back against one of the two speeders parked outside of the hanger. He was about your height, if not a bit taller. Dark hair, an earring glinted in the two-fold sunshine beaming down on the planet, and predominantly black outfit with blue accents and vest. No armor adorned his body. Seemingly proud of himself for collecting them at what you were sure was the behest of Din, possibly for a job he managed to find. “Not too shabby, huh?”

Din was busy placing his bag atop the one closest to him, walking up and down the length of it as he looked it over. You watched him as he did so, approaching the small group.

“What’d you expect? This ain’t Corelia.” The young man nodded his head in greeting toward the mechanic. She didn’t seem too impressed, but the Child giggled in her arms, drawing attention to himself. Your approaching figure caught the young man’s attention and his brows disappeared into his dark hairline as you looked you over.

You had forgone your cloak for your second run into the city, needing to try on vambraces and some other items. That left you in your high collared tank top, your upper arms exposed and feeling the heat of the day. Your saber was secured inside the pouch fastened by two straps to your right thigh, over the black of your form fitting trousers. You had already made the knee pads you purchased as a part of your attire. In a huff of exasperation in the middle of the marketplace, you had braided your hair to one side and looped it on along the back of your neck with a pin.

“And who might you be?”

You ignored him, not liking his tone or the air about him. His entire demeanor and presence activating your instincts for flight. Instead, you sidled up a few feet from Din.

“Oh c’mon, don’t be that way. I’m here to help your friend, Mando.” The volume of his voice rose a little, making you uncomfortable even more so. You fixed him with a stern look, letting him know you weren’t going to play along, manners were for nice people and something about him didn’t sit right with you. He held his hands up in mock surrender, though the cheeky grin pulling at his lips made your skin crawl. He was exactly the type of person who you would’ve sourced information from once upon a time, but now you wanted nothing to do with his type.

“Mar’eyir a bora?” Find a job? You turned your attention back to the armor wall that Din made up, the beskar glinting beautifully where the suns shown on it directly, not wanting to deal with the young man anymore.

“Yes.” He responded in Basic, closing the distance between you and reaching for the strap of your bag to gently pull it from you. As he did so, he pressed his helmet to your forehead by way of greeting. The hand he wasn’t holding the bag with hovered over the small of your back as he walked you toward the entrance of the hangar space. He hadn’t touched you since untangling from you earlier in the day and it was thrilling, despite it being so casual. Despite the mental exhaustion that was settling in from a day of interaction with too many people.

“Give me a minute.”  Were the simple words thrown over his shoulder as he guided you through the door and down the steps into the enclosed space. The ship was open, as you had left it, and the side paneling along it was removed to show where the mechanic was working on things. You let him guide you further, toward the ship. He placed your bag town on the makeshift table, beside the one you had already dropped off earlier before turning to face you. He just took in the way you began to dig through it, pulling out a pouch that clinked. You opened it to reveal thin, dark rings of metal. Setting it aside you pulled out a vambrace, one that was made of a dark metal as well, it would fit perfectly over the gloves you adorned.

“I haven’t programmed my chain code into it yet, I’m a little hesitant to, if I’m being honest. But I got one with communication controls.” You held it up to show him with a small grin, rather proud of your find and the cost hadn’t been too bad to get it up and running. The scrubbing and reprogramming had been a bit steep, but it would be worth it to have a scrapped mechanism you could customize for your needs. “It only has short range, but I figured that would be good enough for while you’re out on jobs or I’m away from the ship.”

When no answer came from him, you turned worried eyes over the helmet. Your mouth was open, and words were rushing out before you could stop them. Letting the man in front of you be privy to the overthinking nature that you possessed. Prattling was a nervous habit, one that you had thought you had grown out of being alone a majority of the time, it having turned into stubborn silence in wake of a mental barrage. But something about the man in front of you brought it back to life. Not wanting to seem like a bother or say the wrong thing and then ending up saying a whole lot more than was necessary.

“That is, if you want to keep in touch while separated. I didn’t mean to insinuate that I needed to be able to get ahold of you at all times. You’re a grown man. I’m assuming? I mean, I’ve seen…you…before but you’re rather fit and that doesn’t really reflect age. Oh Maker, I don’t even know how old you are, I might be older than you.” You ducked your gaze, eyes focusing on the cuirass as you felt the heat of embarrassment creep up your neck. Self-consciousness taking a hold of you with its gnarled hands and pulling to make your skin feel too tight and uncomfortable.

“Calm, mesh’la.” Din’s deep voice washed over you in an easy chuckle paired with the nickname he favored had your stomach fluttering. He closed the distance and brought a gloved palm grip to rest it atop both of your hands where the vambrace was still in your grip. You hadn’t realized that they had begun to tremble slightly.

“I just- I don’t want to overstep.” 

“It was good for you to get a comm link.” His fingers tangled with your own as he took the vambrace from you and began to inspect it. With the helmet no longer trained on you so directly, it was easier to take a deep breath to recenter. The device beeped to life under his gloved fingers, and he punched in some information before holding moving to fit it over your hand and secured it to your left wrist. He lifted a hand to the right side of his helmet and your comm link blinked to signal an incoming transmission. All set, it seemed. “Your puck had your age displayed, we’re very close.”

He shifted on his feet, creating space as he did so. A weird tension blossomed in the space, putting you on edge. Both of you so consumed by internal conflicts and worries. Of the unknown that had settled over the coming days.

“Don’t know how long I’ll be gone.”

“Okay.”

“Just… be here when I return.”

“O-of course.”

Without another word, the armored man departed.

Being aboard the ship alone was a weird phenomenon. Yes, the Child was still with you, but it was a foreign feeling to be here without the shape and presence of Din Djarin. He had told you that the space was yours as much as it was his, but that hadn’t settled into a concrete thing quite yet. It was still new, all of it and it was overwhelming.

Being out of captivity, being free, traveling, being on a ship. Having a ship be your new settlement of sorts, something you hadn’t ever really considered as you sought out whatever peace you could, too ignorant of ship mechanics and it being too handsome of an investment to make. Breathing out a heavy sigh, you cradled the small figure in your lap. You had been sat for quite a while, meditating. The Child settling into the space of your crossed legs to do the same. It had taken him a long time to settle and focus, as it always did when he wanted to join you, but once he did he had been silent for as long as he was able to.

He was fidgeting now, breaking your own concentration.

Feeling a little foolish, you hit the call button on your vambrace. Heart beating fast as it waited for pickup to make a connection. When it pinged, you startled a little at how quickly the low, full-bodied voice displayed cleanly over the line.

“What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing! Everything is okay.” You had no idea why you were so nervous; it was just a conversation.

“…okay.”

“Um, I was- I was wondering if I could take ad’ika out for a while.” You gathered the Child in the crook of your right arm, his eyes trained on the small speaker Din’s voice was coming from. He cooed as you stood, reaching for the vambrace, but you offered him your fingers instead. He gripped them tight, legs kicking out slightly as he wiggled about. You felt a wide smile pull at your lips as he loosened his grip and you made grabby motions at him, picking at the fabric of his outfit. His giggles were loud, and it made warmth blossom in your chest to hear them so unbridled. Your own soft laughter joining his. “Just for some fresh air! We’re so far from the city center, just around the hangar, so he can see the sunset.”

“That…should be fine.”

“Only if you’re okay with it. He’s in your care.”

“Ad’ika?”

“Oh,” You breathed a gentle laugh at the confusion you detected in his single word. Setting the happy child down atop the makeshift table, you opened a cannister of fruit for him to munch on before moving toward the paneling. You finished your thought as you opened it up to reveal the small kitchen set up and reached to activate the caf brewer, slightly nervous he was going to tell you it was an unnecessary shift. “Figured since we don’t know his name and he doesn’t want to tell me.”

“He talks to you, in actual words?”

“No, no, um, it’s…rather complicated.” You tried not to huff out your exasperation of finding only one pod of caf left in a storage drawer. You popped it into place and set a mug underneath where it would brew from once finished. The clink of the mug was loud, creating a bit of static over the line.

“No words. But talks.”

“…yes.”

“Letting him watch the sunset should be fine.”

“I’ll be on high alert, just want him to not feel trapped here on the ship is all.” When nothing was said in response, you shifted your weight from leg to leg as you stood before the caf machine began to brew with a sputter. “Okay, well, um, thank you.”

The line disconnected.

“Okay, ad’ika, we’re waiting on this drink, and we can go outside.” You turned to smile at him atop the makeshift table, trying to push down the weird feeling in the pit of your stomach. His little trill of a response fell on deaf ears. The guilt of having just messed up somehow bubbling up and making it hard to think. You focused on the line of liquid as it cascaded down from the machine into the mug, the noises it was making as it did so to try and center yourself.

Holding a steaming mug in one hand and a small snack in the other, you let the Child walk alongside you down the ramp and through the hangar space. You waved in greeting at the mechanic who was milling about. It seemed like she was about done for the day, the droids gathering things and putting them away in a flurry of movement around her. She returned the wave before disappearing inside.

“We have to be careful, okay?” We aren’t taking anything for you to hide in, so if you get scared I’ll hold you, got it?” You glanced down at him beside you as you walked through the door that led out to the street. He nodded, making little noises as he took in the empty surroundings. With the suns so close to the horizon, about to disappear beneath it, many people were already retired for the day.

You settled yourself against the wall that made up the hangar, facing the direction of the suns as they began to dip down and disappear. Sipping from the mug in your hand as you crossed your legs in front of you, leaving them stretched out from being busy all day. You had tried to understand what the mechanic was doing, asking her questions and to walk you through the basics of what she was doing before you had moved onto other things and looking after the small figure that was currently bustling about in front of you.

He was seated as well, small claws reaching out to play with rocks and watch a scant lizard or bug as it crawled about. Something with a stinger got too close to him and you waved a hand to get it away from him, the tingles of the Force sparking in your palm. That drew his attention back to you, his eyes focused on the snack you had brought out and was resting on your knee. He held a hand out much like you had just done and closed his eyes in concentration. The furrowing of his small brow created deep wrinkles and it made you hold a laugh back at how much like an old man he looked with them. The snack lifted into the air slightly, wobbled, and then fell back to your knee with a muffled thump.

“It’s tough, I know.” You soothed, knowing how hard it was to begin to harness the energy of things. The concentration and focus it took second nature to you at this point. Something that had come back to you easily, you were thankful for, after so many years of the ability being dormant. You raised a hand and motioned for him to give it another try. His eyes closed and he spread his claw wider.

The snack hurdled toward him, too fast for him to catch it and it smacked him in the forehead before falling to the sand. He let out a startled noise as it did, his wide eyes beseeching as he looked at you. You were setting down your mug and rushing over to him as his eyes watered and he began to breathe in a weird staccato.

“Oh, hey, hey, no, no.” Reaching for him, you pulled him to your chest and his claws dug into the fabric of your cloak. “You’re okay, ad’ika.”

You both sat there, watching the sky fade from orange hues to the darkness of night. As stars began to twinkle above, you pushed yourself up and made your way back to the Crest, the small creature fast asleep in your tight embrace.

Deciding on a shower to wash away the day, you wrestled with the notion of whether or not you should disengage the ramp to close up the ship. You trusted the mechanic, but that could only go so far. She said she had engaged the alarm system for the hangar once you returned, letting you know that she had shared it with your husband.

You knew she meant the word as a way of referring to Din, not knowing his name or knowing what else to call him. But that word, that term, it felt like a threat. The last time you had heard it, it had been one and it was triggering as all the ugly details of the last encounter you had with your mother rose up along with the acidic burn of bile in your throat.  

It felt like something was coming alive in your very body, awakening after a long slumber, and stretching its claws up your chest as it unfurled. Something dark and sinister, the weight of it suffocating and making it hard to breathe. It was something you recognized, something you knew too well as it perked up and burrowed into you, like it knew it was home and there to stay. Your head felt light as quick breaths were all you could manage.

Double checking that the door to Din’s personal quarters was locked and the Child was safely inside, you moved into the fresher with hands guiding you along the walls. Locking that door behind you, you turned the water on full blast, cranking the handle to make it as hot as it would go. The first drops of water barely had time to travel down to hit the tile of the stall floor before you were throwing up what little was in your stomach.

Tearing the off, it piled on the floor around you before you stepped into the stall. You hissed as the water hit your skin, the heat and steam of it filling the small room in almost a suffocating way. But it was welcome, the strong of it on your skin as it drowned the thing that was stirring inside. You had sunk to your knees, sitting right underneath the stream of water. Hanging your head, the wet locks of your hair stuck to your body as you got lost in the thoughts of how the day had felt too easy, too normal.

Everything from the way you had woken up to an empty bed after sleeping tangled in the arms of a man you hardly knew to the domesticity of talking to him on the comm link as you and the Child played around. It was all so casual, so domestic, so completely ordinary. And it felt good, to experience normal things, things people took for granted. And that felt bad, the guilt of wanting it to continue. To keep living when for so long you hadn’t wanted to.

You had done so many questionable things in your life, faced so many threats and that was before becoming the shell of a person at the hands of bandits had turned you into, who kept you so drugged up you hadn’t even known where you had been. You didn’t deserve any of it and how could you?

The berating words and actions of your mother having molded into your very psyche reminding you that you were a bad person for choosing to live your life the way you had wanted to at a young age. That choice leading you to a life on the run, to a life of stealing and cheating and hurting others to ensure your own protection. That choice leading to a target on your back that wouldn’t disappear until you took your last breath. It was all your fault, the hand you had been dealt. All a result of wanting to learn how to harness the skill a stranger had noticed in you.

Lightly tracing the scars you had dug into the skin of your thighs, your hands began to shake with wracking sobs. Tears falling fat and heavy from your eyes to coalesce with the steaming water cascading down your body. Eyes unfocused as you tried to watch the way your nails were now digging into the flesh as you gripped your legs so tight your knuckles popped.

Just as you were standing from your seat at the makeshift table, skeleton assembly of what would turn into a set of pauldrons, you sighed. It was late, sleep evading you in wake of your breakdown. To distract yourself, you had set to working with your hands, beginning to work the materials you had gathered into armor for yourself.

The metal rings in various sizes you had purchased earlier were strewn about in small, organized piles alongside two types of pliers, a mandrel, and a pair of snug leather gloves to protect your fingers as you worked. You had purchased rings that were already annealed twice over, before and after the openings were flattened and drifted in the traditional wedge style you preferred over circular. It would turn into a sturdier piece, the strength due to the harder to damage bonding.

Stretching your back, hands on your lower back you paused as faint footsteps sounded outside as someone trekked toward the ship. Shrugging your cloak on over the full outfit you had changed into after your shower, you made sure the Child was secure in the hammock and hit the panel beside the door to close the small space off from the rest of the ship, the mechanism for the lock clicking.

A blaster shot buzzed through the air and you dodged it, the hit making contact with the paneling behind you. It pinged before ricocheting and the single light you had on went out with a pop. A muttered curse was all the warning you had as you turned on your feet and raised a hand, reaching out with the Force to hold whoever had dared to enter the ship in place. The figure looked vaguely familiar, but you couldn’t place them in the sudden darkness of the ship.

The sounds of the person struggling against the hold you had on them were too close for comfort, and you swiped a foot out to kick their feet out from under them. As they went down, they fired something that wasn’t a blaster. The sting of something sharp reverberated down your right arm, tingling as a cool feeling washed through your veins almost immediately.

“Sedative, learned from a friend it would be the only way to take you down.” The voice spoke into the darkness, not registering quite yet in your mind. You cursed, pulling the long needle from where it had penetrated the fabric of your cloak to embed itself into the flesh of your arm. You dropped it to the ground, feeling the coolness of the sedative take over, lighting you up and muddling your brain in a way you hadn’t been in weeks.

You tried to move away, to put the makeshift table between you and the voice, but you ended up leaning heavily on the surface, arms already feeling too heavy to control. The hush of a blade being drawn had your heart beating a little faster, only aiding in the drugs taking over that much faster.

Breath hissing out as the blade sliced into the side of your thigh, you tried to step back but stumbled as your legs felt as if weights had been tied to them. Arms swiping across the table as you tried to balance yourself, sending the metal rings atop it to scatter everywhere with little pings. Vision wavering from focused to fuzzy made it hard to see the rope and cuff links now in the man’s hands, mind too sluggish to listen to your instincts and put up more of a fight. Blinking profusely, your eyes took in younger man Din had left with yesterday. Only Din was nowhere to be seen and the man seemed particularly focused on you.

“Don’t hurt either of them, take me. Turn me in. Let them go, my bounty is high.” You could only watch as he approached you, body too heavy to usher away from him. His response sounded so far away, as if you were struggling to hear him across a vast distance and not a few feet.

“How many times do I have to tell you people, I don’t care about the money.” He snarled, face ugly as it contorted with his anger and continued misunderstanding. He shoved you harshly to the ground, the body that was no longer under your own control going with the movement. The rings scattered over the floor dug into your skin and clothing, stinging as they did so. He threw himself over you, legs heavy on your own as he pinned you to the floor, reaching to secure the cuffs over your wrist. You swiped out as adrenaline sparked at being pinned down, surging up as best you could with bared teeth. He screamed as you raked your nails down the column of his neck as hard as you could manage, drawing blood in thin lines.

With a scowl he took hold of the front of your cloak and slammed your head down to crack against the metal of the floor. You shouted out at the pain that blossomed there, fuzzy vision graying at the edges.

“I’ll do whatever you want, just let them be.” Your words slurred as you begged, too far gone to do anything else, the sedative he used was either high quality or he had used a lot of it. If it was the only way to get him to change his mind, alter the motives he was working off of, then it was an offer you would make. For the sake of the Child, for the sake of his safety with Din. You could faintly sense the tears that were falling from your eyes, the thought of the Child being captured hurting even more than the predicament you were in. You would take on the world for him to have a good life, the chance at a good life.  

“Not lookin’ for that type of action right now, sweetheart.” Your attacker moved to cuff your ankles together over the leather of your boots. The rope in his hands going around them next. “But Mando is in for a surprise if he ever finds his way out of the desert. His quarries are mine now.”

The look of triumph that could be glimpsed from the faint light seeping into the ship was the last thing you saw as your vision blacked out completely.

The run was rising just as the mount Din had secured entered the outskirts of Mos Eisley. The deep navy-blue of the night sky fading on the horizon to the muted haze of peach sunlight that was cresting over in the signal of a new day. Everything was quiet, the city asleep in the early hour. Outside the hangar entrance was the speeder Din had been comfortable leaving behind with Callican, foolishly he muses now. Whatever had transpired between the young man and Fennec Shand had inspired his abandonment of the job to capture her. Din could only hope that Callican hadn’t done anything too foolish or rash in his shifted focus.

Brandishing his blaster, Din entered the hangar space with quiet steps.  

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taglist: @strawberri-blonde @moonknight-s-cumdump @js-favnanadoongi

dividers by the lovely saradika

[buggywiththefolkmagic]

Appalachian Witchcraft for Beginners: Review

This is: Appalachian Witchcraft for Beginners: The History, Remedies, and Spells of a Rich Folk Magic Tradition by Auburn Lily

Rating: 2/10

Pros: Some information presented is correct, like the information on “ingredients” isn’t too bad if not a super small amount of them, she mentioned red clay which a lot of books seem to forget exists. And this book’s aesthetics? 10/10 for the illustration work, colors, fonts! I also appreciated the insistence that you help the land as much as possible, as well as the land’s original inhabitants and to give Indigenous voices space. 

Cons: There is so much I was so disappointed by. First off let’s get this out of the way: The author in her bio on her own website auburnlily.com claims she is a starseed. I have a LOT of personal feelings about the Starseed movement and how it damages the progress of mental health and getting help and medication for said mental disorders. But this should have been the first major red flag that this book would not be what it says on the cover.

A lot of my problems are as follows:

Most folk workers don’t use the same three or four ingredients…in this case:

Peppermint. Rose. Essential Oils. Crystals, usually citrine or black tourmaline. 

Actually we tend to not use crystals at all unless we’ve adapted them into our practice ourselves…the old folk didn’t have pretty rocks to use they got at the New Age store in the town square, alright? 

A LOT of this information is definitely tinged in a new age and modern light. The correspondences for the days of the week mentions “The Goddess” which we don’t…deal with??? At all??

Another example:

Grannies used to use the bible and ‘faith healing’ to avoid persecution from their community.

Absolutely not! She mentioned the witch trials a minimum of 6 times, which (ahaha good pun) almost made me roll my eyes into the back of my head, then I read the bible to avoid persecution part and almost burned the book on the spot.

Faith healing is NOT a cop out. 

It was the way things WERE. Were there hexers? Yes. Were they given a wide berth sometimes? Also yes. But they also had their place in the community! The hexer in my family, Flossie, was respected with some fear, but she was also the person who scorned lovers and cheated on spouses went to. When the police were hounding moonshiners a few came to her for cop go away works. 

The author also insinuates that Yarb Doctors were held in higher regard because they didn’t use faith/and or gender may have had a point in that. I dunno what yarb doctors and grannies she talked to but men were not allowed in the birthing room, that was a Granny’s responsibility and by god they did it well. You never backtalked a Granny, they were and are the backbones of their communities. 

Now that I’m off that soapbox, the author also seems to believe that meditation, third eyes, astrology in a modern way, and crystals are critical for Appalachian witchcraft which is stupidly incorrect. Her recipe for floor wash is hogwash and far too simple and small, her candle color correspondences are laughable…especially that little line on Orange: “Helps with menstrual cramps.” If that was the case no straight woman in Tennessee would get cramps because they all wear orange at least once a week for their team. 

She only uses Hoodoo like…3 times which is better than most authors so I supposed that’s progress? But the author also hates baneful work and makes mention of that fact numerous times.

The author also has quite a few love spells mentioned, and weirdly enough…a lot of her ingredients in OTHER spells are also the same ingredients in her love spells. How strange. 

My final and most damning gripe, the author seems to believe that stereotypes make for amazing offerings to the ancestors. In particular…the Irish would appreciate offerings of potatoes. You have to be kidding me.

Overall: Yet another new age witch trying to make folk magic look far more complicated and fluffy than it is. I hated this so much. I didn't even touch the "Open the healing channel" and "Reparative Visualization" "SPELLS" she includes which sounds like absolute woowoo.

Proof of some of these claims are below: 

[andi-o-geyser]

Continuing my Dr Jacob rants, I wanted to mention how... off I've been feeling with how the rest of the characters have been treating the whole situation regarding him dating Michelle. It's so far been exclusively framed as a marital issue that Ted has to work through, and it's being massively downplayed by the people around him and the narrative itself? I feel as if it's being equated to simply struggling with watching an ex move on, which is SO not what is happening here. This is a deeply unethical and damaging relationship to everybody else being pulled into Michelle and Dr. Jacob's absolute fucking nonsense, and I know I've brought this up before, but this is the type of shit you get your license taken away for. Having a relationship with a patient, former or not, is such a full stop unethical crossing of every boundary meant to exist between a patient and therapist that I couldn't explain just how much of a no it is if I had 15 hours uninterrupted and a megaphone.

At least where I live, the college of registered psychotherapy has a half a decade minimum legal time frame that must be elapsed to have a relationship with a patient, but honestly that's just technicalities. Therapists should, under NO CIRCUMSTANCE, have any kind of duel relationship with a current or former patient. Therapy is meant to make a connection to help you work through your problems, but it's not for making a friend and it's certainly not for meeting a partner. And for a therapist to abuse that power and, in this situation, maybe even coerce a patient out of their marriage so they can date them (because come on, that's exactly what fucking happened given the facts), is beyond deplorable. I don't give a fuck if Dr. Jacob gives nice guy energy, he's a professional (unprofessional as he may be) who knows exactly what he did, and he's a piece of shit for it.

I know this is TV, and the way therapists act in media is so sensationalized and dramatized, but considering Ted Lasso is "the show about having good mental health" and understanding and unpacking trauma and issues, the lacklustre reaction from characters regarding the relationship between Ted's ex wife and her (and Ted's!!) therapist are just bizzare. I need at least somebody in-universe to acknowledge how baffling the behaviour is, and I really can't deal with the idea of Ted being left out to dry in this situation. This isn't some simple "my ex is moving on and that's tough for me but I need to accept it" situation, this is a borderline traumatic betrayal of trust Ted is going through, and the thought of it being left unaddressed while Ted has to make nice with Dr. Jacob because "Well, I really need to not make a fuss because he makes Michelle happy and he's Henry's new father figure now!" is soooo fucking awful I honestly can't even think about it. Anyways don't date your therapist this has been my PSA

[topazadine]

Writing Research Notes: Bipolar Disorder

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at age 19 and had a psychotic episode at age 21, so I'd like to say I know a bit about what I'm talking about. And I'm a writer! So today, I'd like to provide some facts about bipolar as a jumping-off point for your research.

Things we'll discuss:

A note of caution

Types of bipolar disorder

Phases of bipolar

Warning signs of mania

Symptoms of mania

Symptoms of psychosis

How bipolar is treated

Common myths about bipolar

Characterizations to avoid regarding bipolar

How to create an authentic bipolar character

This is just my opinion as someone who has lived with bipolar for a long time. Everyone experiences bipolar a bit differently, so not everything I mention will apply to everyone, and my own story may not reflect every single bipolar person. With that disclaimer, let's go.

A Note of Caution

This is a guide to help people who want to write about bipolar. It should NOT be used for self-diagnosis or to diagnose anyone else.

If you think you have bipolar, you need to speak to a professional as soon as possible. Bipolar disorder is not a cute quirky accessory. Both mania and depression literally cause brain damage, as I've discussed in my post about the Myth of the Martyr-Artist.

This is not something to play around with or to use to build street cred or whatever. It is a serious, severe mental health condition that causes untold hardship for sufferers, including increased risk of suicide, homelessness, addiction, and even dementia.

So please don't read this and go "oh I probably have bipolar lol." If you do read through this and go "oh shit this sounds like me," then get thyself to a physician as soon as possible and go through a real, actual, professional screening.

Alright, anyway, let's get into it.

Types of Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar is typically separated into two types. What kind you have depends on your predisposition to either extreme: mania or depression.

Bipolar 1

People with Bipolar 1 tend to have more severe manic episodes and less severe depressive episodes. They are more predisposed to experience psychotic episodes, though psychosis can happen in Bipolar 2 as well. Bipolar 1 patients may only have very brief depressive episodes or they may only experience their "baseline" and mania. (As an aside, I have Bipolar 1.)

Bipolar 2

People with Bipolar 2 lean more toward depressive episodes. They may experience hypomania, which is a less severe form of mania, but their primary symptom will be depression.

It's important to note that while many say Bipolar 1 is more severe because of the manic episodes and risk of psychosis, this does not discount the extreme suffering that can result from Bipolar 2. Patients with Bipolar 2 have just as many struggles as Bipolar 1 patients.

Phases of Bipolar

Depression

This works much the same as the typical depression that people with Major Depressive Disorder experience, but bipolar patients may be more agitated, self-destructive, and aggressive when depressed.

Hypomania

This is the "less severe" version of mania. In the chart above, it's demonstrated by DIG-FAST: distractibility, impulsivity, grandiosity, flight of ideas, activity increases, sleeplessness, and talkativeness. These happen in full mania too, but to a greater extent.

Many people with Bipolar 2 welcome hypomania because, well, it feels a lot better than the depression they are usually stuck with. However, it's important to note that hypomania, like mania, can cause brain damage. It's not something to screw around with.

Mania

A more severe, destructive version of hypomania: everything is dialed up to 11. People may become hypersexual, spend money they don't have, destroy relationships, make inappropriate comments at work, or even fly into destructive rages.

Mania can be terrifying, both for the sufferer and for those around them. You can be so extremely happy that it's almost painful, or so angry that you feel like you're going to tear your own skin off.

Psychosis

This typically is the "end result" of mania which happens to about 50% of people experiencing a manic episode. It is typified by delusions and hallucinations. We'll discuss these a bit more later.

Contrary to popular belief, psychotic hallucinations are typically auditory, not visual, though visual hallucinations can occur as well. Other strange and less common hallucinations include olfactory (smelling things that aren't there), gustatory (tasting things that aren't there), or sensory (feeling people touching you).

Euthymia 

This is the normal, calm state in between depressive and manic episodes, where one has a sense of well-being and stability. It is the goal of therapy and medication management.

However, experiencing euthymia doesn't mean that the bipolar disorder is gone: it just means that it is in remission. Bipolar patients must always be on alert for warning signs of mania and be active participants in their own care.

Warning Signs of Mania

Manic episodes often come with prodomes, symptoms that appear before full-blown mania.

Bipolar patients and their families should be on alert for these warning signs and, if they continue to occur for more than a week or so, schedule an appointment with the patient's psychiatrist to see if they need a higher medication dosage.

Here are some common signs that happen before full-blown mania:

Feeling either really great or really terrible for no reason. Sometimes you can feel really great and really terrible at the same time. It's a very weird feeling.

Functioning well on little sleep for days on end. Not just one sleepless night, but being able to go to work and function on like 4 hours of sleep night after night.

Increased or decreased appetite. Either you hate food or it's the most important thing in your life. Can fluctuate day by day.

Increased productivity. You're getting soooo much done and so quickly! (It probably sucks but we'll put that aside for now.) You just want to work on your passion projects constantly.

Sudden interest in multiple new hobbies all at once, and throwing yourself into them with such passion that it's scary.

Weird physical symptoms. You may find yourself locked into a position and not want to move, or your skin may feel odd, like it's too tight or prickly.

Sudden bouts of tinnitus. It sounds really weird, but it's been proven to be a sign of impending mania along with the skin symptoms I mentioned before.

Your eyes look different. Your pupils are always dilated.

Not everyone will get all of these, but most people will have at least one trigger that happens to them every time before a manic episode. For me, it was hypergraphia (because of course it was).

Symptoms of Mania

Not all of these symptoms will happen to everyone, and every manic episode can be a little different. It all really depends on who you are. Now, I must say that anyone, bipolar or not, can have these symptoms. It is the intensity of them that defines mania. A manic episode can ruin your life because you just get. so. extreme. about whatever it is.

Becoming extremely focused on random things and projects. For me, it was cleaning the house: I started throwing out old photos that I thought we didn't need because I didn't want any clutter. I would sweep the floor for hours at a time. Sudden and intense interest in random subjects. I got really obsessed with Neolithic Scotland of all things. Now I can't even remember half the shit I learned. Spending way too much money. Many people will go into extreme debt because of their mania, especially if they don't have family support. I spent like $300 on a kitchen knife set despite having a full set of perfectly serviceable kitchen knives. I also bought a professional-grate ukulele that I very much could not afford and very much did not need. Worsening of any addictions or developing new addictions. Especially seen in gambling addictions because, well, you already want to spend a lot of money and it's an extreme dopamine hit. Sudden and intense aggression or emotional volatility. Normally calm and relaxed people will go off the deep end about pretty much anything: screaming, throwing things, and then bursting into tears out of guilt. I'm normally a pretty chill person, but one time I threw a phone at my mom's head because she pissed me off so much. I can't even remember what she said to make me mad. Feeling invincible. Manic people are convinced that nothing bad could ever happen to them and they can do whatever they want. Think of someone running into traffic, sure that no one will hit them. Or, on the other hand, feeling terrified of everything. This can happen to the same person, sometimes simultaneously. You may believe everything is a threat, even when there is no clear and obvious threat. Being physically incapable of sleeping. It's not insomnia like normal people experience, where you pop a melatonin or do some breathing exercises and manage to fall asleep. You cannot fall asleep. Normal sleeping pills do not work. You may need heavy-duty tranquilizers. One time, I combined like five Benadryl and a whole bottle of whisky and STILL couldn't get to sleep. I was crying because of how tired I was. Talking extremely fast and in an extremely disconnected way. This is called flight of ideas; you start jumping from one discussion to another in ways that other people can't follow. Your brain has made that leap but can't articulate it for other people. Shiny eyes. You really can see mania in the eyes; it's very unsettling. Manic eyes look dark, wide, and shimmery. Hypersexuality. I did not have this problem, but I have talked to bipolar people who wrecked their marriages because they could not control their urges. That's not an excuse, of course, nor does it lessen the pain that the other person felt. But it can indeed happen. Unintentional pregnancies, STDs, and a whole lot of bad feelings can come from this. Kleptomania. I also did not experience this, but I have heard of other bipolar people who felt an uncontrollable urge to steal things they didn't even need to: they could afford it, they just wanted the thrill of stealing it.

Mania can cause amnesia afterward, and the person may not remember large swathes of what happened, or it will feel "dream-like" and confusing. Of course, they've got some major damage control to do that can plummet them into depression.

Symptoms of Psychosis

Again, just like with mania, not everyone will experience all of these. If a person has multiple psychotic episodes, each one may be a bit different every time.

I'm going to separate this into several sections: common delusions, common hallucinations, and Other symptoms (which are often not discussed as much).

Common Delusions

Delusions can shift throughout the course of a psychotic episode, seamlessly morphing from one to another without clear cause.

With psychoanalysis, one can often find that there are "seeds" of a delusion in the person's everyday life, and they may be connected to current events. For example, someone may think they're the reincarnation of a previous president during a presidential election.

Being god or a reincarnation of a famous person

Extreme religiosity

A belief that they have found the "key" to the universe and that everything is connected by some vast conspiracy

Being surveilled by a government entity, sometimes with the belief that they have had tracking devices installed without their consent

Being stalked, harassed, or tormented by unknown entities or by strangers (gang-stalking)

Being persecuted for a certain identity

Having some special role to play or a special status

Being a member of a special community

Having special knowledge or insight into issues, like world affairs

Being ill with another disease, like cancer or dementia

Being ageless, immortal, or invincible

Having a special connection with a celebrity, famous person, fictional character, people you know, or even strangers

A sense that loved ones have been replaced with clones or copies

Believing that there is a secret "play" going on and other people are playing along with a secret "script"

Believing other people can hear your thoughts, or that you can hear theirs

Common Hallucinations

Repeating noises, words, or phrases, often in distinct voices

Spectral, unhearable music

Environmental noises that don't exist, like train whistles or construction sounds

Repeating jingles or "ear-worms" that get stuck and may continue for days or weeks off and on

Humming, whirring, or ringing

Mutated or blurry faces, even of people you know well

A sense that a person's face is not their "real" face and they are wearing a mask

Haloes or auras around people or animals

Sparkles, flashes, and black spots

Colorful lights, ribbons, or strings

Seeing people you know who could not feasibly be there, like old coworkers, old partners, or deceased relatives

Vague blurry shapes, or distinct monster-like entities

Strangely shaped or mutated animals or people

"String people" or "stick people"

Black "void people"

Shadows that aren't there, typically around doors or windows

Skittering bugs, rodents, or snakes, often black or blurry

Bugs or small creatures crawling on the skin

Itchiness or grittiness on the skin

Light feathery touches along the skin, especially on the back or hands

Goosebumps with no clear cause that don't go away

Bad smells, like feces, garbage, body odor, or burning plastic

Good smells, often those from childhood

Losing sense of smell or taste

Sense that the mouth is full when nothing is there

Prickly tongue

Metallic taste (may be a medication side effect)

Other Symptoms

Muscle stiffness

Catatonia

Slurred or fast speech

Lack of appetite

Weight loss

Migraines

Parkinsonian symptoms (tremors)

How Bipolar Is Treated

Bipolar is treated in a few ways, with the most important and prominent being medication.

Medication

Bipolar is typically treated with mood stabilizers, which is a vague class that includes anticonvulsants, SSRIs, SNRIs, and other groups of medications. (The medication I use, Lamictal, is an anticonvulsant.)

Psychiatrists must be very careful when prescribing antidepressants for Bipolar I patients because too much can bring on mania. Bipolar 1 patients will often have an antipsychotic added to their regimen as well. There are new classes of drugs that combine antidepressants with antipsychotics for a one-and-done deal.

Bipolar patients may also have antianxiety medications added to their regimen.

Psychosis is a medical emergency and must be treated as soon as possible. Fast-acting antipsychotics can be injected in the emergency room to stablize a psychotic patient. They may also use tranquilizers to calm a paranoid or combative patient.

Like with schizophrenia, patients who are not medication-compliant may opt for a long-lasting antipsychotic injection that only needs to be done once a month or once every three months.

Therapy

A history of trauma is one of the things that predisposes a person to bipolar disorder, so working on this can help reduce symptoms. EMDR therapy can be a safe and effective way to process trauma for bipolar patients.

However, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) doesn't work very well for bipolar patients because, well, their cognitive distortions are brought about by chemical changes in the brain, not just seeing the world "wrong."

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is a better choice for bipolar patients because it helps them become more aware of their thoughts and, therefore, better able to manage their emotions.

Other options include equine-assisted therapy (my favorite!), art therapy, and family therapy to help build a stronger support system.

Lifestyle Changes

All the stuff that helps "normal" people can help bipolar patients, too. For example, having a set routine, eating well, setting and keeping a bedtime, getting exercise, and eating well are all crucial for managing bipolar, in addition to medication and therapy.

Weight management is a critical component of bipolar treatment. A lot of antipsychotics and mood stabilizers can cause weight gain, even when someone isn't overeating; they can also cause cravings for sweet foods or an increased appetite.

Because bipolar is often comorbid with other conditions worsened by excess weight, such as diabetes, heart disease, and PCOS, care must be taken to keep one's weight down. Excercise, because it has neurogenic benefits, can be enormously helpful in helping to heal the brain.

Some medications also cause vitamin deficiencies because they affect the way that the body processes nutrients, and they may block absorption of certain nutrients. Multivitamins can counteract this and even reduce symptoms because some deficiencies have a marked impact on mood.

Bipolar people should not drink, as it reduces the efficacy of medications and can lead to nasty side effects. They also should NOT smoke weed, especially if they have a history of psychosis. Yes, marijuana-induced psychosis is very real and far more likely for a bipolar person.

Additionally, bipolar people should nurture their support system, as having family support is a key factor in whether a bipolar person can stay stable.

Common Myths About Bipolar

Bipolar people are dangerous. Not necessarily true, though common media depictions show this as if all bipolar people are roving murderers.

In fact, bipolar people are more likely to kill themselves than anyone else: it has the highest suicide rate of any psychiatric illness, about 20 to 30 times more than the general population.

Medication is a crutch and bipolar people can get better by themselves. Wrong. Just like someone doesn't magically get better from Type I Diabetes without treatment, bipolar people need medication.

Bipolar can be treated just with lifestyle changes. Again, just like someone with Type I diabetes, you can't just will the bipolar away. You need treatment. No amount of supplements or sunshine will fix it. It's a brain disorder.

Medication turns bipolar people into emotionless zombies. Incorrect, with a caveat. The wrong dosage or type of medication very much can make someone into a zombie; I've certainly felt that way before. However, the correct treatment allows bipolar people to thrive and stay stable for years to come.

A bipolar person can never become stable and will always have symptoms. Sorta not true. Bipolar comes with other issues, like executive dysfunction, that cannot always be managed or treated. BUT bipolar people very much can become stable and mostly asymptomatic with the right treatment.

Bipolar people are always having some sort of crisis. It can feel that way, but once a person is stable, they can look just like anyone else.

Bipolar can go away. No. Even if you are in remission, you still have bipolar disorder and can relapse at any time. It is a brain dysfunction that causes measurable structural differences in the brain which do not go away.

Once you snap out of psychosis/mania, you're right back to normal. Wrong. You don't just wake up and are not psychotic anymore. It takes time for your brain to equalize and come back to baseline. I remember it as feeling like I was rising out of a long, long sleep. Once someone is stable, it's like nothing ever happened. Mania or depression causes brain changes that can last years after the episode. On average, the brain damage from mania exists for up to seven years after the last episode, and it worsens with each subsequent episode.

Any fluctuation in mood is a symptom of bipolar. This is so, so, so annoying. Bipolar people are allowed to have bad days just like anyone else. If I'm having a shitty day but I'm not throwing phones at people, then I'm probably just having a bad day. If I'm really happy, it doesn't mean I'm manic.

Bipolar people can't help it and shouldn't be punished for their actions. No no no. What I like to say is that my bipolar doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does explain it. If you hurt someone while manic, you still hurt someone and it's still your fucking fault! Never use it as an excuse to be an asshole.

Everything about bipolar is terrible. Wrong! Bipolar can have benefits like creativity, empathy, good problem-solving, and a unique perspective on life. A stable bipolar person can be a delight to be around. But these don't discount the downsides and should not be a reason to refuse treatment.

Characterizations to Avoid Regarding Bipolar

Roving maniac. Kind of a duh. We have a bad enough rap anyway.

Evil murderer. Same as above.

Abusive evil spouse. I mean, yeah, a bipolar person can be abusive, but they're likely abusive because they're a shitty person and bipolar is just a side effect.

Manic pixie dream girl. Don't romanticize bipolar either.

Miserable cinnamon roll. We're people, okay? Complex, multifactorial, interesting people. We're not constantly miserable.

Total trainwreck. If you're going to show someone's nervous breakdown, please please please show them when they are stable too. Please don't just distil the bipolar person down to their symptoms. Show us as who we are: complex people just like you or anyone else.

Drama magnet. Frankly, a lot of bipolar people don't want to get involved in other people's shit. We've got our own stuff going on. We're not out to wreck your life, we're just trying to get through the day.

How to Create an Authentic Bipolar Character

Do your research. Read a mixture of medical journals, stories from bipolar people, and good depictions of bipolar disorder in the media. Go beyond what I have discussed here and seek out good, peer-reviewed research.

Don't add bipolar just for shock value. Annoying and shitty. If you're thinking of making an evil cruel murdermonster, stop. We have it hard enough and you're going to make it worse.

Create the character first, then add the bipolar. Every bipolar person is different, just like every person is different. Get a feel for your character and then determine how they might act when manic or depressed.

Use an array of symptoms. Don't just go for "ooooh scary monster in the corner of my eye" because that's boring and overdone. Look through the list I provided and consider how you can fit a few of them in there.

Remember that it takes time to recover from an episode. You should not just have your character wake up one day and be cured. They will feel "off" for a while after an episode, like a very very long hangover.

Consider medication symptoms. Decide what medication they will use and then look up the symptoms. Demonstrate how this makes them feel and whether it makes them want to continue treatment.

Think about how a character feels about their bipolar. Some people don't think it's a problem because they like the energy, and others are terrified of relapsing. Some see it as a challenge to be overcome, and others find it to be a burden that they want to be rid of. And many will feel all of these at different times.

Show the impact on other characters. Remember that your other characters are seeing and reacting to this. They may be terrified, frustrated, hurt, dismissive, or not want to deal with it.

Demonstrate times of stability, too. Too many people use bipolar as an "ooooh soo sad" (especially psychosis) and don't show the character just being a normal human being.

Show the ableism bipolar people face. Yes, we do face ableism. People calling us crazy, denying us medical care, passing us up for jobs, or my very least favorite, "have you taken your meds today?" UGH SHUT UP YES I HAVE LEAVE ME ALONE.

Remember that many people are not medication compliant. Medication compliance is one of the number one indicators of whether a person will stay stable long term. If your character refuses to take their medication, then they are more likely to relapse.

People have many reasons for not accepting treatment: they don't like the way it feels, they're embarrassed, they don't see it as a problem, or they can't afford it (some of these meds can be hundreds of dollars a month even with insurance). So make sure to explain why they are medication non-compliant.

I've created a masterlist of writing resources that you can peruse at your leisure, all for free.

The posts I write can sometimes take me hours - they're always intricate, always thoughtful. This one took me about three hours to complete.

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[salioblog]

On the Topic of Narcissistic Mothers and Self-Autonomy.

To be yourself is to commit a crime within the arms of a narcissistic mother’s house. To experiment with individuality or day to day activities is to sin under the watchful eyes of a narcissistic mother. To consider the idea of freedom regarding anything, to desire, to wish, to express, and to think are all felonies to the government made of solely a narcissistic mother.

A narcissistic mother will dictate rules to every action you commit, either mundane or vital, mother will always be in control. Mother should always be in control. To commit an action is to be her. To commit an action is to be but a copycat of her almighty image. A narcissistic mother is a tyrant, she commands, dominates, and oversees every breath.

To a narcissistic mother, you are nothing but marionette. And a marionette is silent, obedient, and soulless. If you fail to be a perfect marionette, you are but a transgressor. To dare and ruin her meticulously written marionette play is to wear a dress of immortality, a shining dress of corruption. Oh, and God forbid the existence of siblings.

Truth of the matter is, you are allowed self-autonomy by a narcissistic mother, solely to claim her own wrongdoings. She cannot taint her colourful persona black after all, she must be pristine. So, she grants you the autonomy of a trash can. Oh, yes, of course, you are allowed to exist as a dumpster when she wants to, and as a perfect image of her when she also desires. But that is about all that you are permitted to exist as. Other siblings will be angry. Other siblings will feel just like you, but if you are the scapegoat (specifically if you are the eldest), you are blamed for their anger. She did her very best raising them, but you… You are the one who corrupted them. You are the family’s cancer. If you were docile as she demands, they would have been, too. You are only granted self-autonomy when you are given the status of venom.

You are not your mother. No matter how keenly she attempts to mold you into a picture of her, as long as you resist, as long as you hold onto your own person dearly, you will never be her. Do not shatter just yet. You are destined for so much more.

-

Personal Notes.

My mother is simply not aware of the breakage she has caused in me. My mother is not aware of all the body aches this mental damage induces. My gut health is down the drain, not to mention my immune system’s function. I am physically in shambles. I am in the constant embrace of a state of fatigue. Lethal, quiet fatigue. Being me has grown extremely tiresome.

Don’t lose.

17:17 Wed Jul 31 2024

[helioshellion]

hi im bucky and welcome to my long list of kiryu and majima headcanons mostly revolving around health related stuff bc that interests me. ive talked about it before but ive been wanting to reveal my mastermind plans for them. ive vaguely alluded to these all in my fics like friday night and phanto. anyways heres a list. may range from mildly nsfw but in a more medical way not a sexual manner since idc about that sort of thing

KIRYU

So for Kiryu he is a trans man who forgets his t injections every day of his life. every time he gets out of prison he has to restart on it and every time he has to go through all the initial stages once again like an evil cycle of hormones.

He has extreme nerve damage in his hands/fingertips due to severe hypothermia suffered at the end of Yakuza 5, and therefore cannot feel in his hands anymore.

Also suffers from a migraine disorder.

He deals with a very prominent compartmentalization problem stirred by his ever-changing life stages. A sort of out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentality born out of his fear of losing absolute control over his life. This goes hand-in-hand with general low empathy.

This also results in an extremely flippant attitude towards both sex and romance. He is not committal at all and does not imagine himself settling down. He is a reserved person, but he doesn’t shy away from sex. He lives in Kamurocho, after all. He’s just mostly desensitized and is mostly neutral towards it as he gets older.

 Yes hes bisexual love wins. But he has a low opinion of the men in his life thinking them callous and more difficult than he wants to deal with. This increases with his age and the worse the villains get. He almost has a mentality of needing to Win and Be Won in regards to romance. He must Prove Himself, or someone else must prove themself to Him.

Oh yeah and TMJ sorry to his jaw.

His life is in constant disarray and his self-contained environments reflect this. His living spaces are messes. Ashtrays filled with countless stamped cigarettes and shelves lined with half-eaten food and beer cans. He doesn’t want to be regarded as sloppy but theres something in his brain that makes him struggle with Cleaning his own spaces. There’s something about his mind that likes the control he has TO mess up his own space.

He has several single-tooth partial dentures mostly in his molar area. he has one prosthetic canine tooth.

He is no-op in regards to his transition. T has shrunk his chest enough that it sags loosely. If you’re curious, he’s dry as a desert down there. sorry.

He doesn’t exactly have a circadian rhythm. He sleeps and wakes up whenever he wants, and his brain does not register Night/Day. Meaning he could sleep through an entire day and his brain will not register sunlight. This results in getting him up to be extremely. Extremely difficult.

Big one, he lives with something like CTE. (Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (double parantheses because this condition cannot usually be diagnosed while someone is alive)) Which exemplifies his already present suicidal ideation and depression. Out of anyone in the series Kiryu has taken some of the Worst bodily trauma over a LONG period of time. It has taken a toll on his body and mind.

MAJIMA

Oh boy!

Majima has a hormone imbalance ever since the hole. if you remember in my fic Phanto I alluded to him being completely impotent and sterile due to a castration in the hole. He has gynecomastia and hypothyroidism but has no qualms about it. He’s not dysphoric about it at all, and tries to stay extremely vigilant about his testosterone intake (tgel, needles scare him).

Because of the above he has little to no sex drive, not to mention the extreme trauma relations to it. He has complexes on top of complexes about it. So he just doesn’t do it.

He has a weak right knee, which is the one he uses to kick/attack as he’s able to use his stronger leg as support. His arms and legs are longer than his torso, and he has an extreme slouch, which presents itself as a very permanent slouch crease on his stomach fold.

He has a distrust of men, mostly older than him, and is not a cis man, although he doesn’t have the language to describe himself or his sexuality. He’s old and doesn’t feel the need to.

Blatantly, not even just a Me headcanon, but Majima does have a mentality of needing to be beaten in order to fall in line. In relation to pretty much everything in his life. It’s much stronger the younger he is, and weakens as he gets older, aided by his improving mental state. By 7′s time, and he is an emotionally healthy person. Hiccups are to be expected, but they’re nothing to shame or be ashamed for.

In Dead Souls he discusses needing to keep his hair cut at an exact measurement. He is a massive micromanager in regards to Anything at any given moment. His living arrangements are extremely empty and uncreative.

The younger him was extremely flippant about caring for his eye, which resulted in several infections and close calls. It’s one of the reasons he decides to get his eye exenterated when he’s older. Somewhat of a symbolic thing as he works through his trauma, letting go of this thing that has clung to him, Literally an Infection. He changes things up, and lives happier for it. He wouldn’t have been alive it hadn’t been for Nishida.

He is one of the most intelligent people in the. Yakuza Team or whatever. Regardless of his deteriorating memory issues, he reads like a motherfucker and can beat anyone in almost any mind-game.

This is a byproduct of not considering the Kiwamis (majima everywhere and majima construction) as canon, but my Majima is very heavily inspired by 1, 2, and the movie iterations of Majima. Meaning, he is not a generally “nice” person. He is extremely empathetic, and reads people very well, but he tends to hold these qualities over peoples heads when he’s younger. As he gets older, these qualities shift to more. Altruistic purposes. He isn’t nice, but he is an understanding person.

I also shift the timeline around to place his marriage with Mirei before the events of 0 to allow better, smoother story progression. And I’m not going to handwave away anything he did because oh yeah did he fuck up.

Speaking of relationships, if Majima were to ever, he would be Very Attached. He is monogamous by heart, and is more about mental connections over inherently sexual or romantic. He is a One-and-Done person. He isn’t flippant like Kiryu, and holds an extreme amount of value in loyalty and love. He is not one for more monetary romantic gestures. He values touching a lot more, but discourages touching HIM. He’s stone. He feels love in being the one to touch, and for his partner to Be touched By Him. And I’m not talking about sexual practices or anything. But if that did progress to that, expect similar results.

However, adding to that, he is not going to try to “make things work” in any way. He will walk away if requested, and he will walk away at the inclination of things Just not working out. He jumps to conclusions quickly, but it is for good reason. Knowing when to bow out keeps him alive.

Back to body stuff. He has dentures along his entire bottom jaw. His top teeth are very discolored from smoking, resulting in a visible difference between his top and bottom teeth.

And whatever here’s Kazumaji bullshit too because I am predictable.

They’re more friends than lovers, if that makes sense. Regardless of the amount of love shared between them, their lives are a long string of boats passing by. Their loyalty for each other is extremely strong, and underlying love does carry this, but they can’t exactly settle down anytime soon. Majima talks to him as a confidant, not as a lover, and Kiryu speaks to him the same. It’s almost more intimate in a way. Neither of them put up fronts when they’re alone. They are both private together, speaking to each other ways they’d never speak to anyone else.

If we’re on a scale, Kiryu is the more romantically affectionate one. He’s the one who thinks of dates, who thinks of kissing, who thinks of whatever else. Majima doesn’t initiate any of this due to his before-said complexes on top of complexes.

Yet, on the flip side, Majima is the one who could most easily fall into domesticity. It’s something he’s fantasized for himself ever since he was a boy, and something he cast aside immediately following the hole. He imagined a family impossible for him, and has attempted to cast aside that part of himself. But there’s no destroying Who you Are. He wants to be a tender person. Once Saejima, his strongest familial relationship, returns, he lets that side of himself regain a foothold in his brain.

This is both supported and contradicted by canon depending on the game, but I’ll settle on one. Despite Majima’s reservations and trauma, he is more trusting than Kiryu in a lot of situations. (In Yakuza 2: “There’s nothing wrong with putting your trust in a guy...”) Kiryu will tend to be cynical and have to be “won” in order for him to put his trust in you. Majima, however, will put his trust if he feels he can, but is very liberal with rescinding it.

Kiryu goes through a phase in his romantic relationship with Majima where he feels unwanted due to Majima’s low intimacy drive. The only way that’s resolved is by talking. There’s a lot of things they cannot get out of their relationship with each other, and that’s absolutely fine. They find other things to make it work.

On the flip side....... Kiryu’s revolving-door life results in Majima feeling cast aside again and again. It’s not that Kiryu thinks of hurting Majima, but his idea of romance is very different to Majima’s. He thinks he can just put on a new skin and live out an entirely different life as a different person. This is what causes their relationship to fizzle out time and time again. Their relationship is a very, very unstable wave. It’ll be strong, weak, whatever. The bottom line is that they’re never going to be able to reach that Perfect Meeting Point.

BUT this is all from Yakuza 1-6....Post 7, and I have no idea! Maybe they can try again and see themselves more successful due to their Very different life circumstances. Without the clan to hold either of them back, maybe they can make things work. However, I can’t imagine them ever making anything “”official”” as in calling each other boyfriend Or getting married. Their relationship is strange and tumultuous but they genuinely. wholeheartedly Love each other.

[zukadiary]

Takarazuka news updates

As previously posted, an active Takarazuka actress passed away on September 30. Until last week, the only information published was from tabloid sources. On November 10th, legitimate news outlets covered a press conference held by the deceased actress's family's lawyer. Takarazuka has posted a message in response, sharing also that their 3rd-party legal team has completed its investigation. According to NHK, they will additionally hold their own press conference today (Nov. 14 in Japan) to share the investigation report, along with upcoming policy reforms.

Below the cut, I've translated a Yahoo news article, as well as Takarazuka's message. The Yahoo news article contains some extremely sensitive and disturbing information. Please take responsibility for your own mental health, and read at your own risk.

Posted by Yahoo News 2023/11/10 3pm JST

TN: the "head" position mentioned in the article refers to the current most senior member (age/rank wise) of the 7th year actresses during a given performance. This is standard across Takarazuka, and this actress is considered the leader of the shinjin kouen and all shinko-aged actresses.

[BREAKING NEWS] Following the death of a 25 year old woman of the Takarazuka Revue, the bereaved family holds a press conference: "Power harassment by the upperclassmen"; "Overworked to 3 hours of sleep"

On September 30, 2023, we learned that the body of a 25 year old member of the Takarazuka Revue was found on the grounds of her apartment building. On November 10 at 3pm, the family of the deceased held a press conference, where they explained the circumstances that led to the woman's death.

On September 30, the body of a 25 year old member of Takarazuka's Cosmos Troupe was found on the grounds of her apartment building in Takarazuka City, Hyogo Prefecture. There were indications that she had climbed over an upper floor railing, and thus the police have been investigating the strong likelihood of suicide.

Last month, Takarazuka Revue's parent company, Hankyu-Hanshin Holdings, announced that they would be employing a 3rd-party legal team with no connection to the company to launch an investigation, in order to examine the circumstances and motives behind the death.

The woman had been a member of the Takarazuka Revue for 7 years. On November 10th, her family's lawyer held a press conference.

The family claims "power harassment by the upperclassmen"

According to documents distributed by the family's legal team, the woman was assigned the "head" position—the responsible party and supervisor of all of Cosmos Troupe's underclassmen—which severely overburdened her with responsibilities leading up to the troupe's performance, and resulted in an extreme sleep deficit.

Furthermore, she was summoned frequently by the upperclassmen, who would angrily bombard her with criticism, such as, "Every failure of the underclassmen is your personal failure," and, "Your mind isn't strong enough. Do you have a mind at all?"—making her her a victim of power harassment.

The family alleges that forced overwork from excessive rehearsals and an inundation of responsibilities left her with a mere 3 hours of sleep per night, on top of repeated power harassment by the upperclassmen, the result of which was a deterioration of her mental and physical health severe enough to lead to her death.

During the press conference, family's lawyer pointed out that "the hierarchical relationships [in Takarazuka] are significantly stricter than in society at large, which fed the unceasing power harassment." The family is demanding appropriate financial compensation for damages from the company, citing negligence of their duty to ensure the safety of its employees.

From Takarazuka: "We are taking this extremely seriously."

Regarding this news coverage, Takarazuka responded, "We will not be providing a comment at this time. We accept the grave reality of this matter. We want to proceed by giving the family our most sincere support. And, building upon the results of the 3rd-party legal team's investigation, we will handle this matter with the utmost seriousness."

The family's comment:

"We loved our daughter's smile.

Her smile healed us, encouraged us, and brought us so much joy.

However, day after day we watched it disappear, until that day, when the change became so irreversible we'll never be able to see her smile again. Her big sparkling round eyes, her soft cheeks, her sweet voice, all of it has been stolen from us.

Our daughter used to say, 'No matter how bad things get, I can forget it all when I'm on stage.' But her suffering far surpassed a degree that could be forgotten. It was her entrance into Takarazuka, and, even more so, her assignment to Cosmos Troupe, that led to this outcome."

----------

Message posted on the Takarazuka home page on November 11, 2023

Announcement regarding the report from our 3rd-party legal investigation team:

Regarding the sudden passing of a Takarazuka Revue student, we are taking the matter extremely seriously as a company, and intend to treat the situation with the utmost earnestness.

Additionally, last night we received a report of the results of the 3rd party legal team's investigation. We will share the results, along with our upcoming policy reforms, in the coming days.

Here at the Takarazuka Revue, we will be seriously confronting the issues uncovered both via the 3rd-party investigation, and via our conversations with each troupe and staff; and regarding matters that require change, we will be investing our full energy into reforms.

[meldingintheunderdark]

I've been reading your metas. While I do agree with some of your points there is one thing I can't help but strongly disagree on. I think Halsin enjoyers are aware of Halsin's faults, his trauma, his struggles. We don't all think he's "a healthy partner devoid of problems" but I believe in my opinion, that Halsin has the potential to heal, to do better, and maybe this commune can help him and help others, not fully per se but help heal in some way. It's not going to be smooth sailing, there will be bumps along the way, Halsin does need support, there's no denying that. I don't think Halsin enjoyers are naïve to that, we just want to see him happy as well. But reading these metas feels like... there is no hope for Halsin, the children in his care are doomed and I don't think that's the case. It won't be easy but not hopeless, it won't be perfect, there is still room to grow and learn (though I am following a more tav mindset than a dark urge mindset)

Thank you for reading my metas!

It's embarrassing but English isn't my first language, therefore I might not be as clear as I thought.

This said, I've mentioned many times my headcanons are my own. I don't believe Halsin's dream will explode in a great ball of fire but it'll most certainly not be as happy and lighthearted as it is in game. There will be consequences and not all of them will be positive.

Reading your comment, I fail to comprehend the issue.

Isn't it obvious there is no correct way to interpret Halsin's actions? Isn't it evident our perception and understanding are heavily influenced by our own life experiences, our knowledge, our fields of study, work, mental health, etc? Everything I write is inherently subjective.

From my point of view, when you read my metas, it's crystal clear I have a colossal obsession with fatherhood, unhealthy coping mechanisms or even avoidance regarding mental health, and the pain they cause to oneself and loved ones. I relate so intensely to Halsin, thus I'm extremely critical of his choices. You prefer to focus on him partly healing thanks to nine wagons of children. To each their own. I relate to him because his hurt hurts others unintentionally and I want to talk about this.

I also have every right to voice my thoughts, to be upset for dumb reasons and to share my questionable opinions. I haven't done any proper case study of the Halsin-centric fandom. Nevertheless, it's hypocritical to pretend the fandom isn't overwhelmingly focused on a positive analysis of Halsin and his ending, hence your reaction. It's just how fandoms work. Some opinions are overly represented, therefore an echo chamber is created and maintained. It's also very human to yearn for a comforting character who does good, tries his best and succeeds. I find comfort in a character who is hurting, hurts others and, paradoxically, is so very selfless, good-hearted and caring. I'm not saying Halsin is abusive or so foolish he'll doom the world. I've not claimed Halsin won't learn to live with his trauma, won't be happy or won't help people. The commune seems filled with traumatized adults and kids, Halsin is no therapist. Good intentions don't magically lead to solely good outcomes. Some may be fantastic. A few neutral. Others damaging. It's life.

Every content created is not made for you specifically either. If my posts are unpleasant, and I'm aware they can be, please spare yourself and block me.

Last but not least, I am a Halsin enjoyer. He's my favorite character. My tumblr is about Halsin and my Durge. They'll have their well deserved happily ever after. I simply imagine more heartache and pain than you do.

[circulars-reasoning]

Debunking Series: Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

Welcome to part two of my debunking series, where I tackle Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences, written by Jade Isler. This is part of an ongoing series, where I analyze the good and bad of a collection of articles that were provided to me that, supposedly, prove Endogenic plurality.

The full debunk of this article can be found here, or below the cut. This link leads to a google doc, which provides the full debunk along with links to other sources mentioned. Everything provided in the google doc will be below.

TL;DR: This article, while better than the previous part of this series, still fails to prove endogenic plurality exists, and contains enough bias to make my head spin. While there are individual parts of this article I agree with, it's drowned out by skewed sampling, a biased researcher, and bad science.

TW for poor research methods, discussions of fakeclaiming, mentions of doxxing, and NSFW content (including mentions of kink). Furthermore, TW for allegations of grooming, sexual harassment/abuse, and cult formation. I would also like to warn everyone that this document does get more crass than normal; that's my bad!

Tulpas and Mental Health: A Study of Non-Traumagenic Plural Experiences

(Note: The above article includes a deadname of an author who later revealed herself to be a trans woman. As such, I will be referring to her by the name most recently associated with her, Jade, and be using she/her pronouns in reference to her. I did not learn this information until after I had already written about 10 pages worth of content, so please forgive me if I have slipped up with misgendering. I have attempted to edit this extensively, so hopefully I managed.)

TL;DR: The article opens up with the somewhat ableist commentary that tulpamancy is the “optimal” form of plurality and the concept that functional multiplicity is stigmatized – while later stating that it isn’t, while suggesting that therapists have left final fusion behind in modern therapy. It rambles for a while about how the way DID is represented within the medical community is damaging the view of plurality, which I can’t say I disagree with, but is shown in incredibly negative ways, including the implication that the word “disordered” is a bad thing. The author attempts to correlate the high amounts of disorders in tulpamancy to the health benefits of tulpamancy, while addressing the fact that this study… can’t… actually prove that tulpamancy has any health benefits… while attempting to present that there are health benefits? It’s a whole lot of nothing burger. The article ends with the author revealing she’s a tulpamancer herself, which paints the entire article in the bias that is present. The fact of the matter is, this article is simply calling for more research to be done into tulpamancy within the medical world, while stating outright that it cannot prove anything regarding tulpamancy, as there isn’t enough research of a specific kind to prove anything. It does nothing to prove endogenic plurality, and is too biased to indicate anything other than the fact that tulpamancers, unsurprisingly, report thinking tulpamancy helps them. The bottom of this debunk provides more context surrounding allegations about Jade Isler, the author, though proof of these allegations is not readily available and should be taken as allegations only, rather than evidence of misdeeds. 

Full live reactions below:

“Current models of mental health rely heavily on the assumption that only one agent of self exists in every one brain.” Gonna stop you right there chief – you sure about that? Cause like. My therapist, as well as many others, immediately hopped on the boat of me having DID. Yes, mental health relies heavily on the idea of a singular self within a single brain, but most people in the world don’t have multiple self-agent beings within one brain. Like, even saying endogenic plurality exists, it wouldn’t be the entire population – it makes sense for mental health, in general, to focus on the widest possible audience.

“Deviations from this model of singularity in mind are heavily stigmatized and often considered disordered.” I’m two sentences into this abstract and already wincing. Obviously, they’re considered disordered within the world of mental health. Newsflash, asshole, if a system is in the world of mental health, it’s usually because they’re disordered. Yikes! It’s not biased for the mental health world to focus on mental health.

“Research defining the relationship between tulpamancy and mental health is expanded on by analyzing the results of surveys conducted on the online tulpa community.” Ah, yes, the tulpa community, which is a community fully entrenched in tulpamancy, gives their thoughts on how healthy tulpamancy is. I wonder, however, where the comments from these tulpamancer’s families, friends, and co-workers are. Y’know, since being disordered is more than just how YOU feel affected by it.

“The questionnaires investigate two associations previously found in members of the tulpa community. First, the prevalence of mental illness, which exists in over 50% of the population. Second, the reports of improvements in mental health and cognition, especially amongst those diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder.” Gonna make a theory of my own, if you don’t mind. That theory being, a system with a complex dissociative disorder will generally report improvements in mental health and cognition as communication between alters improves, particularly when said alters are symptom holders, wherein the system as a whole will no longer need to deal with as much of the symptoms of the disorder that alter holds. Interesting theory, I wonder if it would pan out via a questionnaire. Anyways, seems legit queen.

“Tulpas are an experience of plurality that seem to coexist with optimal functionality, happiness, and mental health.” Optimal functionality. Sigh. Gonna try and not take that on the chin as a DID system working toward functional multiplicity. Yeah, hon, I do really wish that mental health circles would acknowledge my Virgin Sub-Par Traumatized Multiple Functionality more and compare me to the far superior Chad Tulpamancers.

“In medicine, society, and our personal biases, there exist certain presumptions about what is optimal for health, functionality, and happiness. One such assumption is the requirement that, for every one brain and body, there ought to be one identity.” I think this is a good time to mention that this article was written in 2017, which is 16 years after the term “functional cooperation” was coined by Steinberg and Schnall in the book “The stranger in the mirror: Dissociation – the hidden epidemic” (which is riddled with its own problems). Here’s a full quote from page 256:

Therapy for people with DID is designed to gently bring down the walls of amnesia that keep their different parts hidden from themselves and each other. Most experts agree that the key to treating dissociation lies in the connection, or integration, or memories, feelings, and behaviors… Once the person feels safe enough to accept the memories, the amnesia, as well as the other dissociative symptoms, is reduced… Some people with a dissociative disorder are able to integrate their separate parts into a single congruent self-image. Others may fear that integration means the ‘death’ of their alternate personalities and may not want to give them up. They may have separate parts forever but can achieve ‘functional cooperation’ between them, which is a giant step on the path toward healing and recovery. 

Sooo, that is to say, functional multiplicity was recognized 16 years before this article was published. Furthermore, the Plural Positivity World Conference of 2019 (only two years after this article was published) released a survey which was then shown as the ISSTD Conference in 2020, revealing the following (as shown on the System Speak website, detailed here):

Of the participants in this survey, 89% scored above 30 on the DES-II… 58% were currently in therapy at the time; When asked their therapist’s goal for therapy, participants reported: 50%  Functional Multiplicity… 92% said they were interested in some level of functional multiplicity.

So, around two years after this article (this article, mind you, that’s so far arguing that functional multiplicity isn’t accepted) was published, 50% of respondents to a Plural survey said their therapists’ goal was functional multiplicity, and 92% of them reported seeking functional multiplicity as a goal. These people, I’d imagine, were in therapy for longer than just the two years since this article was posted. Furthermore, we can tell that the individuals who responded to this survey are likely disordered, given that 89% of them scored above 30 (high dissociation) on a DES, but those who completed this survey were part of the plural community. This, to me, indicates that this article’s claim that the main assumption being made is that disordered systems need to be fused into one singular self-state to function is a bunch of bullshit. But seeing as this article only posits that this assumption is the case without actually testing that assumption, I’m not too surprised!

“However, rather than citing these dysfunctions, mental health professionals frequently emphasize the plurality as being what makes DID a disorder.” I actually agree with the author here! Surprise surprise, something good has come! In fact, this whole paragraph has some good points: “Here, DID is not branded by its negative symptoms like most disorders are. Rather, this definition suggests that the problem starts and ends with the plurality.” The author is arguing that the way DID is discussed paints plurality as only a negative thing, because the only part that is focused on is the plurality. This is actually a problem I see a lot in modern syscourse; arguments that plurality has to be disordered because a certain system’s plurality is. However, I do find fault with two things. One, I want to reiterate the issue with the fact that this article is focusing on the mental health world, when by and large, endogenic systems are not seeking treatment for their plurality – the descriptions of ‘negative’ plurality are written strictly about CDD systems, as those are the systems who are seeking medical treatment. Two, this article is sourcing the Google Results of DID on Psychology Today. I… have my doubts that this is the end all be all of medical propaganda? If your argument is that the medical world is making plurality out to be only negative, I feel like you need a resource for that which is more directly connected to plurality in the medical world, rather than the layman’s definition of DID on Psychology Today.

“Until the DSM-V, there was no requirement of distress or impaired functioning in the diagnosis of DID.” Oh I’m going to fucking lose it. The requirement of distress and impaired functioning in the diagnostic criteria of DID was only added in the DSM-V because fuckwits like you couldn’t be bothered to read the beginning of the book. Y’know, the part that explains whether a diagnosis should be coded as Mild, Moderate, Severe, Partial Remission, Full Remission, or Prior History, depending on how disordered the disorder is? Located on page 2 of the DSM-IV:

In deciding whether the presentation should be described as mild, moderate, or severe, the clinician should take into account the number and intensity of the signs and symptoms of the disorder and any resulting impairment in occupational or social functioning. 

Impairment, huh? Occupational or social functioning could be impacted, huh? I don’t know about you, honey, but that to me sounds like fucking impaired functioning. Get out of here with your fucking nonsense, you’ve always needed a goddamn disorder to be diagnosed with a disorder (other than in some fringe cases, such as insurance and bullshit, shout out to my plural friends going through insurance hurdles right now). 

YOU THEN GO ON TO QUOTE BULLSHIT FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PLACE?? No, okay, seriously, the author goes DIRECTLY from the above quote, to this quote: “‘Unlike other disorders, dissociative identity is deemed a disorder and thereby dysfunctional, purely on the basis that those who experience it have a self that is not singular.’” This quote is not from the DSM, which makes it incredibly misleading to complain about the DSM and then immediately, without explanation, launch into this quote as if it proves your point. But okay, let’s check out THAT citation– Oh, what’s that, it’s literally just arguing the same exact point as you, with a similar lack of proof for its claims? OH, this article is trying to argue that calling DID disordered implies it’s a bad thing, thus implying that disordered is a bad word? Oh, this all once again focuses on the fact that DID is disordered, which implies (somehow) that all multiplicity is disordered? This is literally just a bunch of psychologists going “Wait, maybe non-disordered plurality IS a thing, and I’m going to argue it is by saying that people with a disorder don’t ACTUALLY have a disorder sometimes.” God, fuck off with this bullshit, I’m going back to the first ableist article.

“In 2010, a community sprouted over a practice colloquially dubbed ‘tulpamancy.’” Oh please, tell me you’re gonna bring up the Rainbow Dash Tulpa. Please, tell me you’re going to bring up the white woman who brought Tibetan Buddhism to America through her appropriative bullshit. Please, tell me you’re doing to mention the bronies taking her spiritualism and using it to fuck ponies in their minds. I’m going to delight in this. (She won’t. I know she won’t, cause that would absolutely undercut the idea she’s going for that this is a completely normal, non-fucky experience, and the “optimal” form of functionality, yes I’m still salty about that. Gotta write that down, the “optimal” form of my multiplicity is to be fucking Rainbow Dash in my mind.)

“Examination will purport tulpas as a healthy experience of plurality and an argument against the stigmatization of multiple identities.” Again, I agree that the entire world needs to focus a whole lot less on the plural part of DID, and that depicting the plural part of DID as solely negative is harmful – but, I’m sorry to say, tulpamancy is a recent phenomenon. You said yourself, article author, that this sprung up in 2010. Your article was written 7 years after it became popular; do you honestly genuinely think the psych world moves quickly enough that in 7 years, they’ve managed to rethink dissociative identities and label tulpamancy as distinctly different from disordered dissociation enough to describe it? Furthermore, why would the mental health world even focus on tulpamancy? (Don’t worry – we’re gonna get to that.)

“The majority of media surrounding tulpas and non-traumagenic plural phenomena has been limited to poorly researched sensationalism. Its scientific accounts were nonexistent until 2015–” Oh jeeze, it’s almost like Tulpamancy started as a Tibetan Buddhist belief and was then appropriated by a white woman, brought to the west, bastardized, and now is something 4chan cooked up in some bong water with a side of fandom. Obviously, it’s poorly researched! You’re looking for scientific data within the medical world about an inherently non-medical experience. By and large, endogenic systems are not disordered, or at the very least, not disordered due to their plurality. Tulpamancy in particular WAS sensationalism, so it’s no wonder your research is a little bit difficult honey. You’re one of the first to dip your toes into it, welcome to hell, biscuits over on the left. Oh, wait, let’s finish that thought, you cite another study on tulpamancy that gave some demographics: “Veissiere found that tulpas are perceived to be entities distinct from one’s own thoughts, with over a third of hosts reporting that their tulpas felt as real as any physical person. This is achieved in part through tulpas seeming to be independent in their emotions, cognition, and opinions. They are experienced through a mix of auditory, visual, and somatic visualizations and hallucinations. Possession, a technique that allows a tulpa to temporarily command of the body, and switching, in which the host dissociates to have an out-of-body experience while the tulpa controls the body, are widely used. There are similarities between these advanced tulpamancy techniques and the experiences of DID diagnosed folk, namely having multiple identities and dissociating from the body’s actions. However, the absence of amnesia, depersonalization, and other traumagenic symptoms in most tulpamancers make these techniques a reportedly positive and mutually enjoyable experience.” So… let’s see here. No amnesia, depersonalization, no trauma symptoms – the only thing they’ve got is dissociation and perceived switches. So… not DID. Hence, not disordered. Hence, why would a medical world care? The medical world is focused on medical phenomenon, and what you’re describing here is, primarily, a belief – at most, you could claim the hallucinations are a concern, but if I’m not mistaken, hallucinations have been recognized as non-disordered in certain cases by the medical community by the point of this article being written, so… ??? Literally nobody was saying this is a disordered experience. What you’ve described here is so far from DID, it can’t see the DSM. Furthermore, I didn’t consciously experience amnesia and depersonalization. I didn’t realize that’s what I was experiencing for a very, very long time, despite experiencing it, because my disorder lies to me. That’s common.

“Veissiere unveiled two more associations between tulpas and mental health. Foremost, an extremely high frequency of clinical diagnoses: in his sample (n=24), 25%{3} were diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome, 21% with Attention Deficit Disorders, and 18% with General Anxiety Disorder, to name a few.” Huh, so, you’re saying that some of these tulpamancers are disordered……… but not because of their plurality. Unlike DID systems, whose plurality is a symptom of their disorder. I fail to see the connection here to the mental health world, unless you’re trying to argue… that… tulpamancy should be a form of treatment for disordered Autism, ADD, or Anxiety? “Secondly, Veissiere found that tulpas were reported to cause improvements in mental disorders, with 94% (n=33) of respondents expressing that taking up tulpamancy had ‘made their condition better.’” Oh. Oh, I see. You are arguing that. Not inherently – no, let’s not forget, the argument being made here is that tulpamancy is a healthy form of plurality, unlike DID, and that the way we discuss DID is damaging how we view plurality. So you’ve mentioned the health benefits of tulpamancy, but, once again – these are all self reported. Do you realize, to diagnose DID, you can’t just go off of self-reporting? It’s almost like, in a disorder (or non-disorder) where you lose your sense of self, it’s a little hard to self-report. Where’s the analysis of their families, or friends, or co-workers, reporting on their sense of self? I’m sorry, but as someone with DID, I know how hard it can be to self-report. I realized two separate times in my life that I had parts, and it had to happen twice because my disorder literally made me forget I was disordered. That’s an incredibly common experience. If I was asked in my final year of high school if I had amnesia, depersonalization, or trauma, I would have said no to all of those – but if asked if I had ‘people in my head’ who ‘helped me feel better about my anxiety,’ it would’ve been a resounding yes. Can you see how maybe a self-analysis of the self when the self is uncertain might be inaccurate?

Okay, not done with the above quote yet – imagining this is a singlet, that’s easily explained as the autistic ability to imagine interactions with others in order to recognize patterns. Imagining this is a DID system, that’s easily explained as a symptom holder – you split due to the stress of being autistic, and boom, now the host can mask easily, causing the stress to lessen. OF COURSE you feel better, it’s called you’re no longer the “problem” because you dissociated the problem away! Like, I’m not trying to fakeclaim here, trust me when I say that; I’m trying to emphasize that this article has done nothing to disprove that this is a DID system or a very imaginative singlet. All it’s done is suggest that plurality is a good framework to help with other disorders – which, I mean, IFS has been there since the 1980’s, people have been using a ‘parts’ framework for 30 years by the time this article came out.

Oh god, Oh fuck, it’s already almost 3k words long and I’ve ONLY JUST gotten to the part labeled as the objective of this article. Jesus christ. Okay. “This study investigates the aforementioned associations: 1) the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers, and 2) the reports of psychological improvements related to tulpas. The aim is to clarify the existence of these associations and identify their causes.” … I am bashing my skull in, kindly. So, the assertions put forth in the abstract and introduction were complete red herrings; the actual aim of this article is to grow off of the previous study mentioned and to analyze why tulpamancers, on the whole, tend to be autistic, anxious wrecks until they form a tulpa. Why in god’s name is DID even being mentioned in this article???? I don’t fucking care about Tulpas, just let me have a disorder in peace. Also, I’d like to ask why this is included in a source proving endogenic plurality, seeing as this claim proves nothing; it automatically assumes tulpamancers exist, rather than proving they do. 

“While Veissiere showed that there seemed to be a relationship between tulpamancy and mental health, the reasons and nature of it are still a mystery.” Ah, see, the secret is, magical beings from another dimension saw these autistic people’s brains and went, ‘that’s free real estate.’ /j

“The noted associations have a plethora of possible explanations. For example, the high frequency of mental illness among tulpamancers could be rooted in a causal relationship between tulpas and psychopathology. More likely, tulpamancy could merely be more appealing or have more exposure to those with a clinical diagnosis.” W… what? Hold up, let me see if I can translate. “The reason why so many tulpamancers have anxiety or autism could have a lot of explanations. Maybe the large amount of mental illnesses among tulpamancers indicates that there’s a relationship between tulpas and brain issues. More likely though, tulpamancers just are usually more exposed to clinical things and find the tulpa route more appealing than the medical one.” Did I read that right? Cause that’s what I’m getting from this. Like. I think this is suggesting that a lot of tulpamancers are autistic because autistic people like tulpamancy. And they call ME Circular Reasoning. 

WAIT WAIT WAIT HOOOOOLD THE PHONE – “given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents” – YOU MEAN TO TELL ME. You are basing this ENTIRE article, the entire purpose of this study, on the self-report of eleven individuals to argue that tulpamancy is the most optimal form of plurality and is healthy??? Ooooh my god I am going to lose my goddamn mind holy fucking shit. Why did you phrase it AS LITTLE AS?! Were there LESS than 11 people? I am so concerned, I should’ve researched that study I guess. This throws everything I said out the window, the other study is a super great baby’s first lego block of tulpamancy studies, but we gotta get a move on with actually studying the effects of tulpamancy on the brain. Otherwise we’ll have ShitDick out here writing about how tulpamancy is soooo fucking great over the self-reports of eleven people. This article had BETTER explain that 11 people is not enough people, and more research needs to be done.

Thankfully, ShitDick does seem to indicate that she understands this would be a batshit claim to make. “Regarding the improvements in mental illness reported by tulpamancers, it would be presumptive (given the current evidence of a single opt-in questionnaire whose statistics are based on as little as 11 respondents) to claim the cause is plurality being therapeutic in itself.” MY ISSUE WITH THIS IS THAT YOU LITERALLY DID THIS ALREADY. Need I remind everyone of the word “optimal” being used? Oh no I don’t, cause I’m STILL FUCKING SALTY ABOUT IT! Like, you already stated in the introduction and the abstract about how tulpamancy ‘appears to be’ a healthy form of plurality – but you’re basing this on whatever you produced in this study, and a study of (maybe) only eleven people who self-reported they felt awesome about a thing they felt awesome enough to try out in the first place. 

Okay, not using a direct quote here, but calling out some syscourse shit right now. The author argues that tulpamancers may see benefits of tulpamancy for multiple reasons, and then goes on to argue that it’s actually just the one reason (the whole tulpa thing). But the other reasons given are… still valid? And actually far more supported by the science at this current time. Meditation, a positive community, or the experience of having tulpas are listed as things that COULD be causing the benefits to mental health. Only, we’ve seen that the goal of this study is to explain why there are benefits… so why are you explaining NOW (before your methods) that “actually we already know these two things likely cause the benefits to the mental health, but we’re going to argue this third thing instead.” It just completely undercuts the argument. The syscourse comes in that my immediate reaction to seeing this was ‘people would accuse that of being fakeclaming.’ Like, imagine if someone went to a tulpamancer who was ranting and raving about how awesome the health benefits of making tulpas is, and they said “have you considered that the benefits may be because you’re meditating a lot?” They would be crucified in today’s tumblr world. But when this dude does it, it’s fine apparently???? Also, this isn’t fakeclaiming – it’s just suggesting various experiences could, y’know… cause different varying reactions. Woah. (Note: the author later tests these statements and comes to the conclusion that tulpamancy is just awesome on its own, but the methods are flawed, so bully for her this is just bullshit.)

“The study addresses all these possibilities in order to hypothesize the cause of phenomena associated with tulpas.” Oh. Nice to know I wasted my time. See, this is included on a list of articles that PROVE endogenic plurality exists. Now we come to realize, the entire point of this study, finally explained, is… to… hypothesize why tulpas seem to help tulpamancers with their other disorders, and why so many people with tulpamancers with disorders have tulpas. That’s it. So… the article goes in with the assumption these people exist as they seem to experience it themselves, based on self-reports (which are often inaccurate in the cases of severe dissociative disorders, or… y’know… just straight up lying) of exactly, maybe?, eleven people… Sigh. Let’s… painfully sift through the “methods.”

The methods, thankfully, are better than the previous article on the list. It describes that 63 (minus one) respondents participated, out of a sample of 365 being sent out to popular tulpa forums (such as r/tulpa and tulpa.io forums). Hon, how bad to you gotta be to only get 62 responses??? Sadly, it is yet more self-reporting from tulpamancers, but thankfully with a much bigger sample size than the previous tulpamancy study. The ‘minus one’ was a participant within the 63 who did not have a tulpa and did not practice tulpamancy, but was present in the 365 sample sent out. Demographics are concerning to me, given that 32 of the 63 (aka, half of the respondents) were from the USA, with other nationalities ranking from 1 to 5 respondents each, and given that 75% of the demographic is white. 88% of the sample was between the ages of 16 and 25, with the average age being 21. This is all raising alarm bells for me. From sources I’ve read before, the average contested age for DID symptoms to start appearing is around age 16, and it’s not been unheard of for those in their 20s to 30s to first become aware of their system then. And knowing what we know now from the DSM-5:

Sudden changes in identity during adolescence may appear to be just adolescent turmoil or the early stages of another mental disorder. Older individuals may present to treatment with what appear to be late-life mood disorders, obsessive-compulsive disorder, paranoia, psychotic mood disorders, or even cognitive disorders due to dissociative amnesia. In some cases, disruptive affects and memories may increasingly intrude into awareness with advancing age.

All of these things explain why a, I don’t know, 16-25 year old may dismiss their DID symptoms. And given that DID is comorbid with anxiety disorders… Nowhere has this article assured me that these tulpamancers are not experiencing DID. Nowhere has this article proven to me that this is endogenic plurality, which is the goal of this collection. 

“To investigate the effect of meditative practices often performed alongside tulpamancy, the survey asks: “Please select all the techniques that are/ have been used by your system for tulpamancy”, with meditation and hypnosis being among the possible responses.” I will say, DID systems have been listed as being more prone to hypnotic suggestion than the average individual. Not helping the case here… 

“Both questions have similar response options that included, “Friends or companions, “A romantic relationship or significant other,” “Curiosity or experimentation,” “To become a part of a community,” and “Self-Improvement or life/mental health benefits.” … So… you mean to tell me that this self-report questionnaire listed options for people to pick, all of which appear to be positive in nature? Have you ever heard of a bias, or perhaps, self-fulfilling prophecy? Buddy, you had better fucking include a link to this survey later… (Notably, the relationship to community section is a more simple scale)

“Participants were asked to select yes or no to the question: “Have you been diagnosed with a mental or neurodevelopmental disorder?”. If “yes” was selected, the participant would be directed to more questions regarding the relationship between their condition(s) and their experiences with tulpas. If “no” was selected, they would skip those questions and be directed to the next portion of the survey.” … I don’t know about you, but I didn’t get diagnosed with DID until I was 24 (and I was incredibly lucky to have this occur). I didn’t ever get diagnosed with autism, because I simply wouldn’t be helped by a diagnosis. So… This study ignores those who are not diagnosed, despite the supposed prevalence of these medical phenomenon (the thing that the article is trying to discuss), for… I’m not sure what reason. I suppose self-diagnosis isn’t a thing for these folks today! We’re only going to focus on those who had to get a diagnosis for whatever reason for whatever thing seems to be affecting them. 

Results!! Oh dear. “Responses to the question, “For what purpose did you create [your tulpas]?” revealed that tulpas are most frequently created in pursuit of companionship (72%). Results from the question, “What relationships exist between [you and your] tulpa(s)?” shows that this is achieved in most cases, with 78% of respondents stating that their relationship with their tulpa is friendship and 31% describing it as romantic.” I’ve gotta be honest, y’all. If someone asked me why I made a tulpa, and I had secretly made that tulpa for the express purpose of being able to fuck Rainbow Dash… I WOULD NOT BE TELLING ANYONE I MADE A TULPA SO I COULD FUCK RAINBOW DASH. Like, cringe culture is dead and all that, but not on a scientific survey of the community that I am trying to make seem legit. I’m not saying these results are entirely false… but I want people to remember that this is all self-reported… and this is self-reported by white US Americans in online forum spaces who are a little fucked up. 

“The one respondent who did associate tulpa creation and their diagnosis elaborated in their response, saying that tulpamancy helped them identify their DID and PTSD symptoms, which were rooted in events predating their discovery of tulpamancy.” Oh gosh… I’m. Very glad that their tulpamancy led to them discovering they had DID, but I do hope it is also recognized that created alters can and are a thing in DID, and that they are getting the help they need. 

“Two thirds of respondents with a diagnosis (n=32) reported that their decision to begin practicing was either somewhat (33%) or significantly (33%) furthered by their condition.” May I just say… MaDD, purposeful dissociation away from problems, all of those are things… Again, not saying they aren’t experiencing tulpamancy, but this article has yet to prove they are, and these things are easily explained through other means (which the article itself indicates).

“An almost identical ratio of respondents stated that their condition made tulpamancy a more desirable practice, with 37% citing a significant positive influence, 37% claiming a somewhat positive influence, and the remainder noting “no or neutral impact”.” Wait, so where’s the choice for “negative impact”? Did you not include that as a choice, or did like… not a single responder pick it?

Okay, the above bugged me so badly that I went ahead and scrolled through, and nope, can’t find a copy of the survey anywhere. Maybe I’m just dumb, but I can’t see it; all I can see is tables of the data compiled. I can’t see the exact questions asked, meaning I can’t really examine them for bias (and, judging from the above bullet, I have a suspicion this survey was biased as hell). I mean, very next section, “Regarding respondents’ opinion of the tulpa community, 18% reported theirs as very positive, 52% chose positive, and 29% selected “neutral”.” Yeah, that doesn’t sound biased at allllll. Also, plz let me know where that 1% went buddy. Some of the tables are showing that a negative impact option was present, but I can’t see exactly how the questions/answers were phrased, and that’s really irking me. 

We’re getting into more analysis of the results now, and I can’t say I’m happy. “In fact, the association between tulpas and improvements in mental health was reinforced, with 78% of these respondents diagnosed with a psychopathology stating that tulpas had either a significant or somewhat positive impact on their condition or ability to cope with it.” So you mean your somewhat biased questionnaire proved the point you were hoping your questionnaire would prove? Yikes. Buddy, I’m sorry, but I feel like this self-reporting thing isn’t working for you. Like, they reported that they didn’t have ANY impact in social life, but you’re arguing that the stigma of DID is affecting them through the whole intro – I feel like you’re not looking at these facts objectively and you’re trying to skew the survey to show what you want it to show. That’s just… straight up, bad science. 

“There was no evidence that would suggest tulpamancy is harmful.” As far as you’ve shown us, the majority of questions didn’t indicate an option to say it had a negative impact. You went to a group of people who love tulpamancy, and asked “hey, is tulpamancy good?” And the answer was a resounding yes. That’s like sending out a survey to ask “do people answer anonymous surveys instead of throwing them away,” and 99% of responders said yes! You have a bias. 

“These facts should discourage hypotheses that suggest tulpas cause mental illness or are a disorder in and of itself.” Well… I’ll be frank with you, this might not be as common, but I would argue that my plurality is not hurting me, in and of itself. My plurality is a symptom of a larger issue, and genuinely, if asked, I would say my parts have helped me more than hindered. I genuinely enjoy having my parts as a disordered system. That doesn’t mean that the tulpas aren’t, in of themselves, a symptom of a disorder, however – it’s happened before that people calling themselves endogenic systems have discovered they were traumagenic at a later time, thus indicating that their alters were, in fact, a symptom of a disorder. For someone who led into their article arguing that there was too much emphasis in the DID world on the alters (rather than focusing on the fact that it’s disordered alters), you then focus too strongly on the tulpas here. It’s a bit hypocritical…

Oh my god, they did something nice! Awesome! The author actually added to the survey a bit about alternate causations of these positive benefits, and found that “most respondents cited a positive impact regardless of hypnosis and meditation use.” Now, did you define meditation for these people? Because while not all of them sat on the floor with their legs crossed and incense burning, I’m positive some formed their tulpas through forms of meditation without realizing that’s what they were doing. (I’ll be honest, I sort of thought meditation was needed for tulpamancy, but I’m also not the MOST educated on the topic.) Like, you haven’t done a horrific job here – this is one of the sections where you indicate that the answer results did offer negative, and significantly negative, as levels of impact. But given the fact that not a single person ever answered “significantly negative,” I feel like there’s an issue here. You’d think, in a group of anyone, that every answer option would be picked at least once. You mean to say that not a single person found the experience of purposely creating a dissociative identity to have a significantly negative impact on their life? Not even a troll answered the survey?

“It is likely that the high frequency of disorders among tulpamancers is not caused by tulpamancy being pathological in nature, but rather, the practice being especially appealing towards those already diagnosed.” I’ll be honest, if they changed the name, I would be down for tulpamancy to be incorporated into certain types of therapy – but I don’t see how it would be more valuable in the long run than long standing therapy methods. I’d also be concerned about introducing dissociative practices into disorders that already have higher levels of dissociation, like autism. 

“Tulpas not only provided a means to have pleasant, worry-free interactions in the safety of their own mind-for these hosts, tulpas also encouraged and assisted with socialization.” Why is this worry-free? It might just be me having only my disorder under my belt, but… I don’t interact with my parts in only positive ways. Some of the folks in my head hate my guts, or at least used to, and it took a very long time for us to be okay with each other. My own mind isn’t safe – my innerworld is full of dangers and perceived threats, just like my real life is. If these individuals have disorders such as autism and anxiety, I’m glad that the tulpas helped them, but I’m having a hard time parsing how these tulpas are different from imaginary friends. I’ve heard people say that tulpas are their own sentient beings, unlike imaginary friends, but if that’s the case, the interactions wouldn’t be at all worry free in my eyes; unless the tulpas are specifically made to like you. In which case, we get into debates about if tulpas have free will and their own true sentience. Bluh. It makes me feel icky.

I’ve got to say, reading the next section, I actually like this idea a lot, and I do agree with a lot of it. It details people’s actual written responses, and this finally feels like the least biased part of the questionnaire. These people detail ways in which tulpamancy helped them, and I can easily see all of these being the case – such as someone helping manage their schizophrenia by forming a tulpa who was not affected by the hallucinations! Only… Self-reports in schizophrenia are to be doubted as well; who is to say this tulpa is not just… a beneficial hallucination? Or, what about the DID system who formed a tulpa who could communicate without amnesi– wait, that… that just sounds like a gatekeeper to me. Yes, sadly, while I believe creating alters is possible and I agree it can have health benefits, this article does not do what people are claiming it does. It simply says tulpamancy may have health benefits by surveying tulpamancers. That’s it. It doesn’t prove these tulpas actually exist or aren’t another easily explained symptom. Just… says that people with pre-existing disorders found creating tulpas was helpful. Nothing saying that those tulpas weren’t actually hallucinations, imaginary friends, dissociative alters, etc etc etc.

“The intent of this paper is not to provide definitive assertions on the psychology of tulpamancy. Rather, the purpose is to accentuate outstanding associations and suggest further research into them.” GOOD. THANK FUCK. Translation, “this study cannot prove anything, because of the clear flaws in the type of study done; rather, this is just more analysis of things going on, as a call to action for people to research more.” HIGHLY AGREED. This phenomenon absolutely needs to be studied more, and I really want to see studies done that actually observe these people – not just a questionnaire that the author herself indicates has bias. “In-person psychiatric assessments, longitudinal research, and neuroimaging studies are all more than warranted towards building a greater scientific understanding of plurality.” Yesssssssssss. Thank fuck. I’m so relieved – I walked into this thinking it was meant to prove something, due to the nature of the spreadsheet. Instead, it proved nothing, acknowledged it proved nothing, and simply presented correlations. I am now much, much happier with this paper, though I still am raising a brow at the methods and initial ableist commentary about DID.

“The impact of trauma and the resulting function-impairing symptoms are what make DID a disorder, not the plurality.” I really like this comment. It’s fully accurate… only, it fails to recognize that, for many DID systems, the plurality is the function-impairing symptom in question. Wait– “Because of this, psychiatrists have found that the most effective therapies for DID do not require merging different consciousnesses or enforcing oneness. Rather, it is more effective to simply teach the separate identities to communicate, share information, and work with each other in through a therapy dubbed “integrated functioning.”” Wait, didn’t… Didn’t you start off this article by claiming the opposite of this? Weren’t you the one arguing that the medical world could not accept functional multiplicity? “The decision to unify should be an optional one, made by the patient, done because they believe it will improve their life and ability to function. The prevalence of treating plurality as the start and end to dysfunction in DID indicates a fundamental misunderstanding that needs to be corrected.” BUT YOU JUST SAID IT WAS? I’m so confused – I’m really grateful, really, that you suddenly give so much of a shit about DID, but how does this relate to anything you were trying to prove? Honey, please, leave us out of this. 

“Plural experiences are not limited to tulpas and dissociative disorders. In fact, when the diversity of plural experience is considered, multiplicity may seem to be less of an extraordinary achievement and more of a fundamentally human experience.” Uuuugh, not the ‘everyone’s a little plural’ argument. It’s so frustrating being lumped in with this. My mom’s work self is not anything like me. Someone’s tulpa is not anything like me. There can be similarities, but the symptom of my disorder should not be considered a fundamental human experience. 

“Finally, I would like to thank the unsung assistant and co-author of my research, projects, and frankly, my life: my tulpa, Aury.” Oh. Oh fuck no. You are NOT AN OBJECTIVE RESEARCHER. I am so so glad that you agree that other people need to fucking research this. A person with a bias for saying tulpamancy is good reached out to a lot of people who had a bias for saying tulpamancy is good and asked if they thought tulpamancy was good! Shocker of all shockers they said it was good. This is something that I feel should have been mentioned far before the closing statements. You are not objective in the slightest, and all of this really clarifies just how biased your survey was. 

“The author is a practicing tulpamancer and an active member of the tulpa community. He experienced tulpa creation firsthand in April 2013, and has been a contributing member of the online community since July 2014. Along with his tulpa, Aury, Isler is active under the usernames “Ford and Aury” and “fordaplot”, through which they have shared their experiences, theories, and preliminary results with the community. They run a Tumblr blog documenting their tulpa-related work and experiences, and they operate a YouTube channel for plural-related educational videos, interview-based podcasts, and visual tulpamancy guides.” OKAY!!! So not only were you biased toward tulpamancy, people knew you were biased toward it. And you don’t think, just for one second, that sending out a survey to these people, they might have, idk, looked up to you? After all, you were known for operating a youtube channel supporting tulpamancy. Nobody goes up to the person who they idolize and go “you know, maybe what you’re doing is wrong? Maybe what you did hurt me?” THEY LIKE YOU YOU MORON. OBVIOUSLY THEY AREN’T GOING TO TELL YOU THAT YOU’RE WRONG. Oh my god this fucking kills me. Okay.

So, here’s the bonus content for all you curious folks. After reading this part, I dug into the author, seeing if I could find any information on her. I wanted to clarify her role in the community – if she wasn’t very popular, then clearly, the above criticisms wouldn’t hold as much merit.

Uuh. Wow. I found a lot of bullshit!

Sadly, this section is going to be short, particularly because I can’t find any evidence; I’ve reached out to a few individuals who were involved in the controversies, but thus far, I’ve only found one concrete piece of evidence. This evidence being that Jade Isler attempted to threaten and doxx staff of the Tulpa.info discord server and was subsequently reported to the FBI. Screenshots posted below (with one being censored in case of privacy):

This evidence does make it obvious that Jade Isler, at the very least, was harassing individuals and attempting to doxx them.

To summarize the allegations, I want to begin by stating none of these allegations have been proven beyond the existence of NSFW content. The author, Jade Isler, was banned from just about every single tulpa community due to numerous allegations. These allegations appear to involve grooming, sexual harassment, and plans to form a cult, all of which relate to a particular kink of Jade’s – this being obedience hypnosis alongside feminization kinks and a pet play kink. None of these allegations have been proven beyond proof of existence of these kinks. I don’t want to get too controversial about NSFW on this blog, but I will say: kinks are morally neutral unless they actively harm others; so long as both parties are completely consenting and are able to consent to the kink, it is their business and not mine. Furthermore, I am hesitant to believe word of mouth in regards to a trans woman who has a less-than-socially-acceptable kink being called a groomer with no public evidence. I require more proof of that before I can believe it is something non-malicious. 

At this point in time, I have been unable to find any proof of a cult, grooming, or harassment – only the ban messages and statements. The communities involved have erased any and all evidence from public viewing, ostensibly to protect the victims, which is good but ultimately frustrating when trying to prove if these allegations are blown out of proportion or not. I have reached out to numerous parties for further information, and should I receive it, I would be happy to reblog this debunk post with further information, so the full story can be known. 

The reason I include these allegations here is to express further concern about this collection of resources. If these allegations are false, they mean nothing and should be discarded. If, however, they are true, it paints a very negative picture of the tulpamancy community, and raises many concerns for the legitimacy of the article. If Jade is, in fact, a groomer who was maliciously trying to groom members of the tulpamancy community, then the results are even further skewed in favor of what she hoped the results would show. It’s possible she could have been grooming individuals of the community in order to create the results she desired, or even worse, into being tulpamancers in the first place (while ignoring signs of serious disorders). I mention this because grooming and manipulation are commonly cited in online communities, and given that tulpamancy is particularly present in places such as Reddit and 4chan, it raises a lot of potential red flags for genuine harm. 

Again, I refuse to believe these allegations without proof. As it is, the criticisms of the author cannot be determined beyond what is within the article itself at this time – which are, in of themselves, fairly damning. However, please use this as a warning to interact with content about this author with caution if you find any of what’s been described here to be triggering.