#New Day Same Pain
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New Day Same Pain - Trainspotting Tee - 2022
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#ChristianeF #NewDaySamePain
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past and present
#more like pain and suffering#btw this is not a triptych anymore bc while working on it i came up w/ new panels (??idk) for this shit#but that's a story for another day#first one is a ruin grader on devantaka mountain near the statue of the seven#second one is a ruin golem on that same devantaka mountain#third one is the abandoned eleazar hospital or dar al-shifa#it's not 100% clear who was that one doctor that operated there but let's be real - it can only be this bitch#first panel almost was my 13th reason why bc i fucked up w/ composition - redrew it - fucked up again but for diff reason#then i completely changed it and THEN i reversed that decision#first panel is what started it. i had to keep it. and i suffered for that.#genshin impact#dottore#il dottore#ch - art
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r u the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u buy whatever little thing u want as an adult and struggle with saving for the big mandatory thing,
or the grew up poor never being able to buy the little things in life u always wanted as a kid so now u just never buy anything small bcs u had to learn to live without it and constantly try to save for the next big thing in 500 yrs
#everyones been asking what i wanted for my bday and i always say nothing#like i hate the feeling of getting somebody smthing just to get them smthing like personally#it needs to come from the heart for me. if it's for smthing big like a bday#now like getting someone a coffee judt to get them one on a random day is dif bcs it's just smthin random on a random day i can understand#but idk like as a kid into adulthood the only bday my relatives / guardians have ever celebrated was my adopted brother's n my dad's#the dad bcs hes a hyperconservative dictator lol n the older adopted bro is cus hes got higher needs#so everybody gets more money taking care of him n stuff so u gotta act like u care abt him according to the guardians#but like i never even knew bdays were that big to people. like i mean i know OTHER PEOPLES bdays are big to them#i find ppl who rlly love their bdays to be rlly cute. like i dont think theyre selfish or make fun of em cus theyre judt having fun#n like u only get one x yr bday so have fun with it!!#but for ME? my bday was never anything special n i dont think it is now#everybody feels bad or smthing for me or for not getting me nothing today but it's like?? this is the norm??? im cool with it#ive been thinking abt other stuff like i just dont have time to think abt the pleasures rn. i have to double on the pain or smthing#like my friends always laugh abt how i dont drink coffee/tea or alcohol bcs u cant be in the medical field without a lil smn smn#& it's like idk ! i like ppl that do do that kinda stuff but like! i never grew up with that & it just feels odd to do it now kinda thing#idk im very cheap but also i will use the fact that im cheap on the small stuff to justify wanting to make a big purchase#i have a weird relationship with buying things for myself vs for others like 4 others i will buy watever u want bro#sugar papi ted#hey heres this idk insert raccoon bracelet bcs u like raccoons n love wearing bracelets so i thot of u n bought it#but if i buy smthing for me it has to have a dual purpose or smthing#i got to have a free dessert today n chose the churros over the tres leches cake slicr cus u can judt make the cake#but i dont own a deep fryer so i cant make churros n storebought churros just arent the same#like im just always idk comparing or needing to know the use of things yanno#if i do smthing. i have to see it thru. & it has to have multi purpose#i mean just look at my username jrue ships or jrue's hips like#im unwell when it comes to that#idk is anyone else like this#anyways yea this whole new thing of getting stuff on one day is hard for me like it just never matches up with my time#of course ill see stuff id like to have but like. ill just make myself forget it n by the time stuff like this rolls up it's like idk#i COULD get a new laptop but i got one that works just fine. i got an ipad on its last legs but can i still turn it on? alright
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Me when my uncle wishes me a "speedy recovery" on my post about chronic pain/illness
#ive got bad news uncle 😔#he means well but still#damn#this is the same uncle that called my cane a “pimp cane”#which was hilarious#he told me he hoped id feel better soon that day too#chronic pain#chronic illness#fibro#chronically ill#fibromyalgia
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I’ll say my tmi thing but under the cut
It’s about my period though btw
I mentioned that I was trying out a disk earlier and I had to take it out of course but the feeling of warm clumpy blood on your hand is truly the worst
#for you kat#chatterye#JDJFJSJDJEKFIEJFJKENF PERIOD#PERIOD TALK#it’s way better than using a cup that’s for sure#I hated my cup#but it was such a gross feeling really#good news is I can take it out slightly inibrjated so that’s good but it’s not that easy usually#it was in for too long maybe and it was coming out#reasonable I had it in all day#but it’s very nice minus putting in and taking out#it looks like a crime scene too#same w the cup though#but yeah I like it way more than the cup but the gloopy feeling isn’t for everyone#it’s truly the worst feeling#it’s such a pain to put in though like literally hurts when I can’t be bothered to be careful#its so annoying#but anyways it’s nice id recommend
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just realized that if wibby & virion r both there when dakota gets his face slit open virion is probably the one taking immediate care of dakota. (wibby is hyperventilating & working on the situation w the s9 bc he's the one being targeted). & virion copies folks' powers. and dakota who currently is bleeding all over the place has the power of feeling other people's current pain. and virion notoriously Doesn't cover his skin or wear gloves in costume to prevent the power copying. do u see what im getting at.
#wasn't joking when i said id b thinking abt them all fucking day!!!!!!!!!!!!!#sorry can't stop thinking abt virion feeling the exact same excruciating pain dakota is but no blood.#can't stop thinking abt. nhw virion at all really!!!#new haven wards
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every time i’m like “hm maybe i’m not physically disabled maybe i should stop calling myself that maybe i don’t need my cane anymore” my back is like “oh really bitch? that confident are we?”
#it feels like my ribs are trying to free themselves from the tyranny of my spine#i dont even know why#this wasnt even the same back pain i had when i woke up this morning#all new extra flavorful deluxe back pain just to keep the work day exciting#i wish id brought my cane in with me from the car to this shift but its not worth it to go out and get it#there are enough carts and rails and shelves to push against anyways#ecdysing#disabled#physically disabled#scoliosis#arthritis
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#new year#happy new year#2024 was an AWFUL year for me personally as well as for the world in general#it took both my cat and my car#it taunted me with job interviews and possibilities that felt so close only to rip them away#I broke my foot (the same day the car got wrecked in a completely separate incident)#I had frequent neck pains and headaches and got my first true migraine#I was lonely and unhappy and my depression and anxiety was the worst its been in years#the election happened... literally everything else going terrible in the world for so many people...#fuck 2024#if any year deserves to be set on fire it's this one#2025 better be like a phoenix rising from the ashes...but given that its the start of trump round 2 I'm not hopeful#so I suspect I may be burning 2025 as well. but we'll see. anyway.#fuck you 2024#go mingle with the sewer trash like you deserve.
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when taking care of yourself and caring about your clothes starts making you feel better and not the other way around
#NOOO I DONT WANNA#i’m kidding i’ve bought some new clothes they’re really cute very dysphoria easing#i’ve worn the same like 5 pairs of basketball shorts and 4 t shirts since like march#‘since march’ ok maybe it has been like three years. but#the dressing rooms WERE hell but i finally found the right size that doesn’t make me want to die#and they’re all men’s pants! men’s pants fitting well felt super super good!#i need a belt but they’re not tight on my hips#my hip and thigh ratio to waist ratio is Pain Agony Death (Pixar Mom) so pants are very very difficult for me#i actually think i pass kinda well from the waist up. kinda. on a good day#i’ve got my little pinterest board of baggy panted androgynous emo cis guys. i can do this#i’m excited to wear them like they look good they make my legs look straight up and down#i might just get rid of all my dysphoria inducing clothes and completely start over#i also have a slowdive shirt coming in the mail 🤸♂️
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New Day Same Pain - Us Children From Tee - 2022
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“I’ll be fine i just need to uhhhhhhh idk kill” but like…what if i did haha
#my stuff#dear diary and the several thousand mfs who can see it. Despite arguably good academic performance today feels like a bad day#bc i skipped lab to take a nap#and i feel lonely and incapable of connecting more than superficially with my classmates#like i can talk to them and i do and we get along well but i never…hang out w em#or at least not as much as they seem to without me#it’s not a malicious thing i think a huge part of it is groups of ppl living or working in the same space#and i’m in a different lab building than a lot of ppl#idk…struggling to find anything that sparks joy. unable to see the future with optimism#it’s just day after day of Job where i’ll beat myself up on weekends if i don’t do Even More Work#bc that’s the nature of grad school. always homework or literature review to do like i give a shit abt the latter#i don’t care what other people are doing i don’t wanna obsessively comb through journals to make sure i’m doing Brand New Shit#i want it to stop#i don’t want to read anymore. i don’t wanna have to worry about my job outside of work.#i want to cry and scream and#like i don’t wanna quit after i worked so hard to get here#i don’t wanna wuss out#but i’m always tired. i’m never rested or relaxed or truly enjoying myself#why is this only hard for me…how tf is everyone else able to read and remember and understand this much??#like yeah maybe i should be on adhd meds but those are fuckin spensive and a pain in the ass to get#i’m tired of being tough#i want to curl into a ball and be told it’s going to be okay and that i can rest and have it not be a lie or a half measure
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#my doctor sent me to a&e because my symptoms got worse so i spent half the day there just for them to tell me my new pain is completely#unrelated to my regular pain and it’s nothing serious and i could see a doctor about it :))))#apparently all my symptoms at the same time are all completely unrelated and it’s just all coincidence that they’re at the same time#literally wtf#i’m so mad that no one will take me seriously it is not normal for a young person to be in pain for over 8 years#terrified i’m not going to get my neck movement back but i can’t even force it to move with my hands it’s just. Stuck#i’m so so so fed up with everything#oh well#at least i got a new painkiller to add to the list i guess#ignore me complaining yet again#delete later
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#so it's Infect Your Friends And Loved Ones with the bit about 'everyone around here knows about you'#even if it's positive- the world pays so much more fucking attention to my life for being trans and it makes me.. shiver?#coffee clerk fumbled every facet of taking my order and the apology landed super duper sideways#'oh sorry! it's just that it's my first time helping *you* is all- just seen you around a lot before. you know.' yeah? know what exactly?#how's that supposed to make me feel? every month they hire someone new and we get to do the same tiring song and dance#another young-20s clerk that will not stop trying to make small talk w/me beats ones that only glare yeah- this isn't pain just frustration#and like YES it's better than the cashier that beats the shit out of my beers on purpose or crumples receipts to hand them to me#or the audible 'see- told you he's a man' commentary when he can see stubble behind a mask on days that can't bother me to shave#like the pharmacists at this supermarket make me well aware that nobody else gets their E here. the store knows the local tranny. great.#genpop cannot reliably be fucking Normal Abt Transfems to the point that it makes me wanna thank the rare coworker that just like.#doesn't treat me like anyone different or special or a threat or a curiosity or an object or a shot to gain social capital for being nice?#getting told by young-20s cis girls that calling me dude didn't mean anything b/c they're 'y'know! *also* [limp wrist mime] *girlypop!*'#hits closer to home than getting called a slur to my face because the latter asshole doesn't pretend to be my friend and just.#skips straight to making me a paper doll in their head of what it means to be me and shaped like me and dressed like me and it's.. slimy.#'everyone around here knows about you.'
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Fevers are cool except when they happen to me
#not snz#i am suffering tho#me and a couple of the coworkers went to get the new vaccines at lunch#were we all slightly in pain for the rest of the day? yes#was it worth it? also yes#but god it was miserable a few hours in#I'm used to being able to take pain meds when i get a headache but Not This Time#luckily i didn't have to drive myself home lmao#hate my coworkers (affectionate) they hit all of us in the arm bc they thought it was hilarious#i did get my forehead felt while i was sitting on the ground tho bc i 'looked flushed' so that did something to me#anyway I'm home now so at least i just get to lay on my bed and pass away lmao#can't tell if I'm normal sore or fever sore tho so we've got an ice pack and a heating pad at the same time#something has to work lmao
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Day three of waking up with this same damn headache 🫠 ruining my weekend is one thing but also making me extra miserable during work is cruel
#taking ibuprofen. sleeping as much as possible. today ill be that jackass wearing sunglasses inside idgaf#im so light sensitive rn#moreso than usual#my eyes also just. hurt.#idfk im tired of this shit#it waned by the end of last night and the end of the day before and i hoped it would fuck off but nOPE GOOD MORNING NEW DAY SAME PAIN
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