#apparently all my symptoms at the same time are all completely unrelated and it’s just all coincidence that they’re at the same time

[perths]

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[dookasx]

Stalker 2 Nov 22nd Journal Entry

My experience in Stalker 2 is staying strong, I'll skip explaining the tense shootouts I took part in as Day 1 was largely dedicated to that subject. However I'll just use this as a blanket note that I took part in a lot of those kinds of situations.

None of them were as dire as my tactical takeover of the Eastern Checkpoint. However, that isn't to say no struggles were had! I still am using pretty shoddy equipment so there's no chance of run and gunning my way through The Zone for quite a while. That alone demands, I put some effort into all of these assaults.

Relatedly, I'm finding that the enemies in Stalker 2 absolutely love using grenades. This may be a symptom of the game's apparently rather broken AI systems and director (it's not bothering me yet as a player so my apologies if I don't talk much about this). It also may be caused by my absolute insistence on using cover and attempting to maximize my safety in an encounter. Regardless the end result is that I'm finding myself not allowed to rest on my laurels in engagements. If I'm taking it optimally, I may be able to avoid a situation in which they're lobbing bombs at me, but in all other cases I'm finding that I need to stay on my toes 24/7.

What I want to focus on for today, is a point of interest I found and my solid little adventure spent picking it apart. It started with me spotting a handful of electric anomalies, as I approached my echo detector started blipping which meant I knew I had to see what was up in hopes of finding an artifact. In my attempts to follow the trail to the treasure, I started getting yelled at by a fellow stalker. Apparently he got himself stuck in the field of anomalies and needed to be guided out of it. I indulged, and helped him out. It was a fun little diversion from my hunt and he rewarded me with an entirely unrelated artifact for my trouble.

Continuing the hunt, I came upon a little building. Thinking maybe I'll find the artifact I'm looking for I entered said building and didn't find what I was looking for. Instead I came across a safe of loot, locked behind a panel that required a code I didn't know. This set me on a secondary hunt within the same little area.

After some effort I found the code, looted the stash, then kept searching around and eventually found the initial artifact I was looking for.

The point of this little story is to illustrate the kind of thing that I really enjoy about these games. Sure, the whole thing was scripted, GSC clearly expected players to stumble into these events probably in this order. However, that doesn't detract from what made me as the player feel like I was solving the puzzles of the world.

I was presented with a micro sandbox of things to do, and got to do them in a natural feeling order. That feeling is what matters above all else. If the illusion of emergent discovery is maintained while playing the game, then the game is doing its job entirely well. And in that moment I was fully immersed, completely excited after each new fold emerged in my time spent at the Electric Field.

And potentially more important, depending on who you are as a player. I came away from this plenty rewarded. Two artifacts which sold for some good cash, and a nice stockpile of general supplies.

That's only one of the many interesting PoIs I found today. It may not even have been the most noteworthy, I can recall a handful that may have been more exciting, but made for worse stories. This session was when I first left the Lesser Zone, and am slowly making my way into the meat of Stalker 2's world. Though based on the map I see, there's going to be a helluva lot of meat to chew through, and so far this meat tastes very good.

[foxymoxynoona]

I don’t know how to explain it, I hate the financial aspect of politics and I avoid it like the plague, I just asked my dad to explain it to me so that his business degree could feel useful for once🤣 basically the government makes bonuses for different things (in the form of a discount or as a tax credit [is that the word in English? Tax offset? Help🥶]) and it’s usually to help businesses in crisis and promote them to incentivate citizens to buy. For instance last year they made a “vacation bonus” so that every person who went on vacation would have a discount of 500€ and that was to help tourism that collapsed during the pandemic. You can request it if you have an income that fulfills the requirements (a low one, basically). The same thing for the water taps and it’s supposed to be a project to lower water waste which IS GREAT, but maybe not when they completely ignored free psychological assistance 🤧 (which we have already but it is from the same institution that makes you wait 2 weeks after you tell them you have covid to come test you. So you know, something efficient sometimes wouldn’t hurt.) Stupid weird long explanation and I feel like you already know what this is because US government might do it too and I just spent an embarrassing amount of time explaining it to you. We’ll pretend you didn’t know😉

Hope you’re all doing better and that your symptoms are gone!

🌸

OK No I get it now! We do have some programs like that. Some are typical (like tax offsets/tax rebates for getting energy efficient household appliances), and then there are been a couple credits during the pandemic where they gave stimulus checks (you've probably seen jokes online about it) based on income, number of children, etc. But I totally get what you mean, even a program that's a GREAT idea can't replace an unrelated NEED.

The tests are the same thing here too. The hospitals and everything around us are overwhelmed, even the doctor's offices. It took us hours to find the at-home tests we need, and we could only find a couple, so we've only tested two of us, so we could save the other two tests to confirm the kids are negative before we resume school and nanny. I needed an oximeter to be able to check the baby, since he's too young to be vaccinated and also might not be able to articulate his symptoms or pains... earliest I could find one is getting here today. Everyone is out. It's just super dystopian.

BUT let me take a moment to mom brag, unrelated to anything but just because I want to: when I emailed my son's teacher Sunday to let her know he'd tested positive and would be out, she answered worried and also mentioned that he is one of the kindest children she has ever had in her 25 years of teaching kindergarten. 😭😭 She's told me before he always goes to see what's wrong when another student is upset and if it's something he can't help, he informs the teacher --which is super useful since there are 21 kids in his class. I asked him what kind things he did at school and he said that at recess every day he sees if there's a kid who doesn't have anyone to play with and asks them to play with him. 😭😭 This is actually not surprising to me, because he gets overwhelmed in a group and has a hard time getting a group to play what he wants to play, so it makes sense he's more comfortable gathering the loners to be his friends. It's me all over again but so cuuuute and I'm so proud.

OK whatever sorry for rambling, I am bored and lonely and so fucking tired of being in my house LMAO. I have left my house one time in three weeks 🤪🤪 And apparently I caught covid when I did

[fit-artichoke8738]

What Kiibo Detected in the Hangar in Ch. 5

So this scene has always been odd to me, and has led me down a variety of theory holes.

Kiibo is definitely detecting something that is making him feel sick, and he’s pretty sure it’s unrelated to the electro bomb. This is made more clear in the Japanese version, where he’s more direct and mentions nothing about malfunctioning.

[Due to image limit, I can’t include screenshots, but here’s a Rough Translation of Japanese version: “By the way... the atmosphere inside this building is kind of bad, huh.” “I don’t think its due to the electrobomb’s effects, and it’s not just me, everyone probably thinks the same...” “I’m starting to feel a bit sick.”]

Besides, given how they just threw and electrobomb outside the hanger and he was totally fine then, I’m inclined to believe his self-assessment. Whatever is affecting him is coming from inside the hanger and is unrelated to his electrical processes. And even stranger:

Tsumugi and Himiko apparently feel fine.

That’s strange. What non-electrical thing could be affecting a robot that humans couldn’t be affected by? And more specifically, a thing Kiibo thinks should be affecting everyone?

Kiibo very explicitly mentions in Ch1 how he can detect pollutants and “dislikes polluted air as much as the rest of you”:

So maybe it’s some kind of undetectable pollutant?

When first considering the possibility of Ouma faking his death in Ch5, my first thought, and probably the first thought of many others, was that the blood under the press was actually paint. After all, there is a painting arm for the exisals within the hangar.

However, paint has a fairly strong smell (Shuichi mentioned being able to smell the paint from the exisal painting arm earlier in the chapter), and if it was poured in such a large quantity, I can’t realistically believe the humans of the group wouldn’t notice it or be affected by it. Especially if the paint used under the press was paint used to paint a vehicles (in this case, the exisals)—that type of paint has an incredibly strong smell, and would give anyone a headache within seconds. There’s no way that no one would notice.

Besides, Kiibo can detect different scents as well, so I don’t think it’s something with a distinguishable scent.

So what else could it be? Some kind of poison, perhaps?

When the body under the press is discovered, the same eerie music that had been played when Nagito Komaeda’s body in DR2 was discovered was playing—“Sing the Empty Truth.” In his death plan, Nagito had used a type of poison that was most effective when vaporized, so my thought was maybe the music was a hint that a similar method was used here—maybe Maki had thrown some kind of airborne poison into the hanger and killed both Kaito and Ouma in a vengeful rage. However, that wouldn’t really make sense, and there’s a bunch of issues that arise as to how exactly she would go about doing that, and there’s no evidence that any poisons are available that would be effective through vaporization. Also, despite how shady she is, I really don’t think she would intentionally kill Kaito like that.

So likely not paint, likely not poison, what else is there?...

What would cause a robot that‘s sensitive to pollutants to feel sick, but leave the humans unaffected and unaware? It would have to be some kind of invisible, odorless, tasteless gas of some sort, but it’s not clear why such a thing would be in the hanger or why it’s even relevant. And I certainly had no ideas...

...Until I replayed Ch. 3.

“Burn the Necronomicon to ashes. Use caution! Be mindful of carbon monoxide poisoning!”

...Carbon monoxide, huh? What a strange detail to add to the Necronomicon...

Carbon monoxide is an tasteless, odorless, colorless gas that would fit the bill, and with low levels of exposure, humans would likely not experience any symptoms at all. A robot that can detect pollutants would know for sure, but humans could remain completely unaware. While it is an enclosed space, the hangar is very large, and it’s unclear when the Necronomicon would have been burned or how much carbon monoxide it would produce, so the gas produced definitely could’ve dispersed by the time Shuichi and the rest enter the hangar, but still remained potent enough that Kiibo could detect it.

Still kind of a long shot, though, right? Well, just a few scenes earlier, right before Kaito was captured, Ouma said this interesting line:

It’s a strange time to bring back the topic of resurrection, unless, maybe, it’s relevant to this chapter. And I dunno, the way he said that kinda makes it sound like he’s lyingggg.

[Though this would also imply that he knows of a way to ‘turn earth back to normal.’ Im not exactly sure what he means by that yet, but I guess that’s another mystery to figure out later.]

So maybe, there really was a victim in Ch5, and there is an actual body under the press—but whoever’s under there may be alive and walking around once again...

[benbantz]

Week 17 with long term Covid

Hello to anyone reading this, those I know and those I don’t.

Had Covid 19 now for 17 weeks (or suffering after effects of covid, how ever you want to word it.) Point is had/have Corona and it’s still kicking my arse.

So since my recent facebook update (after being pretty quiet on social media for a while) a couple of peeps have messaged me asking about my symptoms and stuff as (apart from the first 2-3 weeks) I haven't really gone into any detail I just sort of say 'having rough week' or 'things flared up again' etc etc. Without going into too much detail about anything specific. So for anyone interested, and because people have been curious and asking - and as you’ll see is far to detailed to explain person to person (and want to spread the word about long haulers as a lot of people struggling) So it’s just easier for me to have it in one place. For myself more then anything. And if you get anything out of it then that’s great.

Things are just starting to come out about long haulers in the media and on the news and I know people are interested to learn a bit more about it all. So while I’m having a not too bad a time last couple of days I’d thought it’s a good a time as any to go thru all my symptoms. Get them typed out for first time.

And maybe it will be helpful to someone who randomly comes across this post - (thou please don’t use as a guide), every case is different, a lot of similarities   and cross overs , but ultimately different  Just because someone you know might be having a rough couple of days or experiencing a couple of these symptoms it could be something completely unrelated to covid. (Make sure you check with your GP or call 111 if you think you have covid symptoms long term or otherwise.) I am not a Dr.

Here's a list of everything been going on with me over last 17 weeks.           Some experiences have been completely new to me so very hard to explain , some descriptions may sound a little odd , but hopefully you get idea of what I mean! (Also sorry for any grammar mistakes....I dropped out of English A level)

Those who come across this and don’t know me personally know that while this is a (mostly) serious (but hopefully uplifting) post I’m very sarcastic and use dumb humour to deflect from how shit life is at the moment! :-) 

So first thing of the bat I'll explain is I've realised in recent weeks it's been easier to think of it as good and bad days/weeks rather then getting better/worse (as in first 10 or so weeks when I thought of it as 'it's getting better' and got in that positive mindset, the kickbacks have obviously beaten the piss out of me mentally as well as physically, as I've had about four big relapses now where I thought I'm on the right track, having a good couple of weeks then bam, I seem to go back to square one for no real apparent reason. So when I say bad day I'm describing when everything amps/flares up again, A few more symptoms go up and the volumes up on high,and likewise a good day is when things seem to be moving in right direction again and I get a bit of a break.(So now I just appreciate them when they come and try make most out of them.) A good day isn’t a symptom free day by any means, it’s just better then the bad ones.

OK so on to my symptoms.

Specific Areas

Chest - Since the first evening it kicked of early March my chest has felt like a giant has had his hand around it - that’s non stop, constant (told you my explanations were weird.)

On the better days it's a very light grip I can get on and do things to a point, but I am always aware it's there. On a bad day it's grip tightens and he squeezes (or  his fingers press into a couple of key areas - been pressing on my back a lot last few weeks.) - That’s been non stop and has not gone away since beginning. Thou I do believe its starting to ease a little. 

- Chest pain - A shooting pain in my chest (slightly different from description above, feels more like its needles on inside of body. Thankfully these are uncommon, they pop up if I push myself a bit too far one day or if I’m having rougher week.(And it’s not heart related)

Lungs/Breathing - Haven't felt like I've taken in a full lungful of air since beginning, I take a deep breath but only feels like I'm taking in 80- 85% ish (on a good day) 65- 75% ish (on a bad day) - This is week 17 numbers btw,  take maybe 10-15% off when it was at worst. I think the best way I can describe it is it feels like there’s a filter or a sieve/strainer at top of lungs, on a good day there’s more spaces available to breathe thru (but still there’s a filter) and on a bad day more spaces close and I'm breathing thru less.

 *Thankfully bar the first week where I had to get paramedic out, I haven't been gasping for air, I've certainly had to just lay and just concentrate on only breathing a few times because the filters have closed up a lot more (in the night mostly) especially where my bodies relaxed and I've woken and panicked short of air. Yes that’s as terrifying as it sounds.

- The air I do take in doesn't feel clean or fresh (best way I can describe it is when you go to a zoo and they have a indoor Rain Forrest/safari area .... very that lol) That was constant the first 12 or so weeks (even when getting fresh air outside) thankfully that’s eased a little and not so prominent, still doesn't feel like I’m breathing in fresh air but its not so hot and stuffy and noticing the difference when I go outside now.

Throat/Mouth - Burning/inflamed mouth - This is by far been the most uncomfortable/hardest for me to ignore and just get on with day to day stuff, from maybe week 6 to week 14 it was pretty much non stop burning mouth and throat (Call my mum Khaleesi because I was spitting fire.)

 Whole inside of my mouth and down my throat was just inflamed/swollen (felt like I had a golf ball stuck down there) and burning hot. The last couple of weeks its eased I don’t wake up with it (unless i’m having a flare up/bad day) It's still very on/ off but thankfully not constant like it was. And have since learned that high histamine foods make it worse - same with my chest and few other things,  (so choc, dairy, alcohol, fizzy drinks ...my diet essentially ) So have cut most of them down/out. Ice lollies have been my savior on hot throat days. - Marble in throat - Another hard one to explain, it feels like there’s a marble sort of sized ball of phlegm that I constantly need to clear. (OK maybe not that hard to explain - also sorry for the gross imagery.) But not enough mucus coming up to warrant the feeling, it’s irritating more then anything - but a few weeks ago was probs golf ball sized, so again improvement! - This sort of ties in with with the inflamed mouth, but the first thing to flare up on bad day is my tongue, feels tingly most of the time anyway but more so on a flare up/bad day.  - Same with my teeth / gums and the tingly sensation, (my teeth constantly feel like that sensation when you have some orange juice after brushing your teeth.) Sensitive/fuzzy I guess. Not particularly bothersome or concerning...just weird.

Nose

- This is probably one of newest ones, nose has felt hot(on and off)/bunged up for last few weeks. (But I know its not if that makes sense)  I guess you could say same as lungs - not breathing in a full nose-full of air either.  - sorry again for gross TMI but any mucus or boogers are clear (like almost see thru clear/never been cleaner clear)  - Phantom smells - A really odd one, I smell smoke and gas a lot, not just smell it, it feels like its in my nose and my mouth - especially smoke, almost like I’ve eaten it sometimes (non smoker in smoke free flat btw). Was a lot more prominent in first few weeks ,so much so that before I realised it was a symptom I had my carbon monoxide alarms checked because it was making me paranoid I could smell smoke/gas. A bizarre one for sure. Pops up randomly now and again.

Eyes - Last couple of weeks have been getting bit of blurry vision and sore or dry eye , I'm already blind as shit so hard to tell in terms of blurriness how bad this one is, but def finding it harder to concentrate on one thing for too long (but that sort of ties in with brain fog - which i'll get to) but pretty sure once this is done with and I go to opticians will likely need a stronger prescription (some other long haulers who never had eye problems before are now having to wear glasses) No idea if that’s a permanent one but hopefully i’m at peak of it.

Ears - My left ear has felt blocked pretty much since start (or like it needs to pop some days) Most the time I can ignore it but can be quite distracting if it kicks up a couple of dials.Which is likely why I get ear ache in same ear often as well.

*Also for most the things listed above it has always been worse on my left side of body, lung, eyes, ear, headaches.

- Tinnitus (correct word for ringing in ears right?) Usually kicks in early afternoon or on bad day. Varies on strength depending on the day I’m having.

Head/Brain - Brain Fog - So the sort of very basic science behind this is because my lungs aren't producing enough oxygen my brain knows this, so is lending them some to help out...but because of this it means I’m experiencing what is known as brain fog (I don’t know what its actually called, likely has a better more official sounding name) - my concentration is very low, i’m finding it hard to retain things and concentrate more then usual. (not been up to reading or watching something new for month or so as I just cant focus on it) Also been getting odd words muddled or confused (but the bar wasn't the highest with me on that front ha ha)

 Been dropping things when I think I have them in my hand. I do however think this is improving (The fact that I have typed this out with just a couple short breaks so far is much better then two weeks ago when I couldn't even focus on a computer game for more then half a hour) so as my lungs improve so does this or vice versa on flare up. *Edit - This whole post has taken a couple of days to draft and type up, so not too bad in terms of needing breaks etc.

-I'm also constantly aware of my brain... like I can feel it all the time (I literally cant explain that any other way lol, I guess its just heavier at moment so I can feel it against my skull) best explanation I think you'll get from that one. - Have a headache most the time (so much so that I sort of forget it’s there.) Thankfully most the time there mild/low and I can forget or distract myself but like everything else if I'm having a bad few days it goes up a notch. Likely connected to the brain fog.

Stomach and Lower abdomen - Period pains - only way I can explain it, generally thought after nearly 10 years without them it was messing my body about so much I was getting  phantom periods. (I’m a transgender man, 4+ years on testosterone, for anyone I don’t know who comes across this) been there done that, brought the t-shirt.. then sent it back because it wasn’t for me!  Very strong and painful on and off for first eight weeks, get the odd twinge now and again but think that ones done with, thank the gods. - Stomach Pains - Few aches and pains on /off, and recently experienced what felt like needle/stabbing pain for short while in short bursts - and I only really mention stomach because I haven't had the widely publicised  'covid shits' (yet, touch wood... or cloth) So yay!

Heart - Palpitations - First 8 weeks was on and off most days to the point if I was sat still my heart would be palpitating. (I couldn't even sit and listen to music I enjoyed as it would make my heart go mad.) - When I do get the palpitations it sets most things off, so if palpitations do start I generally know I'm about to have rough couple of hours or days and can’t do much, for obvious safety reasons. Thankfully these have subsided a lot last 6 or so weeks. Still get them every few days but generally know whats setting me off and how to lower them down and they don’t last as long.

Hands and Feet - Skin been very dry last couple of months, cracking and peeling on hands and feet (ew)  - Pins and needles/ numb fingers and toes - Get this a lot, obviously very normal stuff but just find them coming on a lot more (especially if i’m holding something like my ipad, phone or xbox controller for a while) Fingers feel numb/puffy a lot too. (Likely also why I keep dropping things) - Also to tie in with skin, have had a on /off spots on chest, face and shoulders for few weeks, they all came up at same time, not irritant or itchy or anything, just there.

General/Other weird things - Voice - So this is one that frustrates me the most, I have had next to no voice for last maybe 10 weeks.  I just cant chat to people at moment. For first 4 weeks wasn't to bad (I even started a youtube channel to keep me occupied and distracted) but slowly week by week it went a little bit more each time. I can talk for short periods of time if I have to/choose to ,like its not gone completely, but it kicks up all the things I mentioned in my throat and mouth directly after. If the phone rings I have to decide if it’s worth answering, in doing so knowing i’m going to have a rough day or so after. Someday’s I feel it's better then others like couple of weeks ago, chatted to my brothers online on xbox for half an hour or so for the first time in weeks, and caught up with a friend on phone for 10 minutes...but a couple of days later everything flared up again. So it's still trial and error and just being patient with my voice. (I'm quite confident no long term damage is being done now as few people in group i’m in reported there voice just eventually got better over time.) Definitely the symptom I’m having to be most patient with. - Fatigue and tiredness - My days now are normally diddily done by 4-5, (except if its a bad day then most of the day is a write off) No matter how little or much I've done, by 5-6 my body and mind are exhausted. As someone who has insomnia, pre covid I would maybe have 1-2 all nighters every ten or so days sprinkled in with 5-6 days of at most 3-4 hours sleep. In the last 17 weeks I have had just 3 all nighters, and maybe just under ten 3-4 hour sleeps. Otherwise i’m getting at least 5+ hours a night. This is the one covid thing I'd like to keep please lol.  I think it's easing a little (most the bad night sleeps have been in last month) and on good days tiredness is kicking in a little later, or it's taking me a little longer to drift off. But generally am cream crackerd a lot of time, especially if I push myself too far on a bad day. - Loss/Increased appetite - This sort of ties in with what I mentioned earlier about different foods causing set backs, the first 6 weeks I had no appetite and lost a bit of weight (I do put a lot of this down to extreme worry and stress thou)  Then I went thru a phase of being very hungry for a few weeks and put most of the weight I had lost back on. I'm somewhere in the middle now, probably because I know most of anything I eat will set me back a little (because as mentioned fussy git = high histamine diet) so i’m cutting portions (otherwise known as the amount of cheese I add to everything!) and cutting out all most junk food (you’ll never part me from my crisps!) and non healthy drinks.  

- Bloated and dehydration - This one I sort of put in pencil because it could be covid related but I also think it could be side effects  from the brown asthma inhaler I was prescribed to help with breathing. I’m still undecided as it pops up especially when I was using inhaler more but it does happen days after I’ve last used it. At it’s worse I was getting up to pee a lot! because I was thirsty all the time. So of course was just very bloated around the belly. 

*Also talking of peeing, (Great segway Ben) number 1′s and 2′s have been very different then normal, urine thicker and bubbly,and smells/is coloured different,   (same with 2′s) Also have a completely different body odour at the moment,(pungent) having to use deodorant twice as much as normal. - Admit it your life’s a little bit better now you know that information.

- THE HEAT! - I touched on this with my mouth and nose being on fire, but for the first 10-12 weeks I did not go a day where at least a couple of things were not burning hot ,like hot to the touch as well, not just inside...(very different experience then having a temperature). Extreme heat in one very specific part of body. Ears, forehead, cheeks, chest, back, nose, mouth,throat to name a few of prominent ones. Over time they have faded (if something does feel hot now its generally not hot to the touch anymore.) Maybe on a bad day a couple of things will burn up. (But in saying that, been calling today a good day but nose is quite hot) but point is its better. - Mood swings/Anxiety - While i’m fairly confident anything emotional has stemmed from experiencing...well everything you've just read. Rather then it being its own symptom (thou I have had days of uncontrollable crying, days of anger..that perhaps outside of covid I would still of had one of those days but just not to such a extreme, I think with everything going on its just amped that emotion and anxiety up.)  it's obviously been very stressful and anxiety inducing. That’s only calmed down in last week since finding the facebook group of other people going thru the same thing. I'm now seeing that people are slowly improving, i'm seeing I've not been going mad and it's all very real and not just happening to me. So the bad days are easier to deal with now and not hitting me emotionally like a ton of bricks anymore. I honestly couldn't see the end of the tunnel two weeks ago but can see it now (even if I take a step forward one day but then 2-3 back another...I see it still.)

*Mushy moment Alert - A good a place as any to include while I'm talking about emotion  - Even thou she probs wont see this,but want to mention my mum. She’s been my rock thru all this, she messages me at least twice everyday without fail, since day 1. Even thou I know she's been worried sick about me herself, she's reassured and calmed me down on the harder more stressful days. I dread the mornings when things have gone downhill a bit and having to tell her ,because I know she'll worry, but after a few texts we both end up sort of reassuring and calming the other down. (especially in the earlier days when it was really bad, scary, new and unknown.) When it was really getting me down for a while and I wanted nothing to do with anything covid related and just stay in bed and pretend this wasn't happening to me, she dug out the articles and tips and things to help or give me a boost. (Not to mention all the coming and going she and my step dad have done for me last 4 months and taking care of my shopping for first 9 or so weeks...because I was a useless mess of a human)       I know it’s basic mum stuff but this would be 10x harder and lonelier without her. Random detour I know but can’t talk about my covid experience and recovery without mentioning her.

Almost looking forward to sending her the first  'Everything normal today' text as much as I look forward to experiencing it....almost. ;-)  

Amount of Symptoms On A Typical Day

On a good day - (when I think virus was at it's worse in the first 10-14 weeks) - 4-6 symptoms ( 2 or 3 cranked up to a medium or high otherwise on mild)

On a bad day - At peak/worse - 6-10 symptoms (throat, chest and no voice on high volume, maybe a couple of things like palpitations and brain fog, heat on medium/high, other weird stuff on mild/low)

Good day  - Now 17 weeks in (excluding my voice which is still a medium to high issue most days) - 3-4 Symptoms on low to mild - usually there’s something still simmering on a medium always ready to turn up to a high if I push it too much in terms of walking or talking. (often my chest) Bad Day (Now) - 4-7 Symptoms - 1 to 3 on medium (maybe a couple will kick up to high on first day of a flare up, but generally now for shorter periods of time.)Everything else on mild or low.

So there has def been improvement in last 6 weeks, i’m sure it wont all be plain sailing and I know/prepare to expect another 'flare up' and then a bad few days. But recently instead of the bad days being 2-3 weeks of it constantly, the duration is getting shorter each time (last bad few days was just under a week)  So things are slowly improving, and i’m sure in time so will the amount of symptoms and the strength of each symptom.

I've probably missed a couple of silly/odd little things that have gone on (likely because they were so early on or very brief (or I’ve forgotten) -  fever and nausea to name a couple. When I got my notes together these were the main ones that came to mind. Quite a lot actually sitting back reading them, and I think the scary (but good) thing is, x-ray came back fine, bloods came back fine.  People have had MRI's, camera’s down there throat, most coming back fine. Covid just not showing up on any tests(unless someones suffered further complications with something) - hence why a lot of people struggling to be taken seriously by there GP's or even loved ones who think there just 'exaggerating’ or its just ‘anxiety and stress'...no living with all what you just read causes anxiety and stress Mary! 

But yeah could waffle on, once its definitely gone and I breathe and look back I can perhaps get a better overview of everything and give you better analysis of all that’s gone on. I get asked 'so when do you think it will be gone?' almost as much as 'are you better now?' To the first question, meh I don't know, I'm now into month 4/week 17 (well month 5 if I include last couple of days of Feb when I believe I caught it and had the very mild cold early March) still a lot of things going on with my body, some new things could still pop up, so instead of saying 'I think it will be gone by..'  ,like I did in the first weeks. I'm just taking it week by week (or day by day if it kicks up a notch) not making any big demands of myself or my body, doing what I can each day....but not pushing it. Instead of the sad, anxiety inducing thought 'when will it go' or the one all us long haulers worry about a lot ‘Will it ever go?’ I now try to think instead  'it will go!.'

To any fellow long haulers I say hang in there, keep fighting, trust your body and that it will get better. Take it day by day. Stay as positive as you can when everything 'flares up again' after a couple of weeks of good progress (easier said then done I know) but know it wont be forever as much as it feels like it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (I hate going to Drs would much rather just 'get on with it' , but from pestering a little I got a blue inhaler which has helped me a lot day to day,and had x-ray and blood tests which also put my mind at ease when they came back clear. So don’t be afraid to ask to get these things checked if you’re worried. I've been lucky with my GP's thou who I think have generally believed me and taken me seriously and I know not everyone is getting that help or respect. I think it’s really not helped us that in the early days people were stubbing their toes and thinking they had caught covid and calling their Dr’s (I’m exaggerating but hopefully you get my point lol), so if you do get a not so helpful interaction, be patient,explain yourself or try again with another Dr, remember a GP will only advise you symptom by symptom and not as a whole.   Anyway I’m repeating stuff you already know by now lol.   

Stay positive. Stay hopeful and stay safe.

To anyone else, believe us, know this is very real, and that it absolutely sucks. Its not just anxiety or in our head. We're not exaggerating - in fact most of us are probably playing it down or just not elaborating on things for an easy life and because when someone asks 'are you better now?'  it's easier to just smile and nod and answer 'getting there slowly' because the truth is...well what you just read lol. (And I'm a particularly mild case...next to no coughing, no spells in A and E, a breeze for a lot of other people with long term) Keep yourselves safe (most long haulers have no previous medical /problems/conditions. Some ,myself included, have weakened immune systems due to a long term health condition. A unlucky few are fighting another long term medical illness as well as covid. I'm lucky in that I have no dependants (except 4 easy to please gecko's) and was not working prior to catching it - some are having to deal with all this and be full time parents, or have been to and fro with their jobs (thinking there better then relapsing after going back). There’s mums messaging on behalf of there young kids who have it, lots of young people (one of the lads that co runs the group is 22 I believe), there's athletes/health fanatics used to running miles every day been completely knocked of there game unable to even walk to end of road some days. People of all age ranges. Point is anyone can catch it, it might not just be 'a couple of rough weeks' It might take over half a year for you to recover from.  This myth that it's short and sweet, or a walk in the park if your young and healthy needs to be squashed because its just not accurate. 

If not for my mum and our family and the facebook group I found, (Positive path of wellness - Covid UK Long Haulers) I'd be struggling, really struggling. It's scary, brutal and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The virus is still out there it has not gone. Keep sanitising hands and wear a mask in busy places!. - Tell the guy who's life this has been for 17 weeks, why wearing a mask in public places, to keep yourself and others safe from catching this nightmare, is a inconvenience for you Karen...go on, I'll wait...

Maybe you can help prevent yours or someone else's next few months from being even worse. x

Was going to just make this a one time post on tumblr account but if it’s a help to anyone (especially fellow long haulers) I’ll post some other bits and bobs when i’m up to it. (thinking of doing a post about things/products etc that I think have been helping me. If that’s useful to anyone) Or just some positive/ funny things to keep spirits up. Keeping it all positive and upbeat as possible.

So I’ll see if anyone reads this first and go from there

So I guess in conclusion ...lol I’m just joking, this post is really done now, go back to your lives, this garbled mess of self woe (worlds smallest violin is back in its case now), sarcasm and naff humour has taken up far too much of all of our days already. Go peacefully amongst the things. :-) 

Stay safe everyone x

[i-will-physically-fight-you]

If Only In My Dreams Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Please Come Home for Christmas (I'm Feeling Blue Without You Here)

Chapter Summary: Patton is struggling through a season of loneliness after being the only one of his friends to stay in their hometown after high school graduation. He can’t wait to reconnect with his best friend Virgil, who is coming down to Florida for Christmas break. Except, it grows increasingly apparent that might not be the case anymore.

Pairings: platonic prinixety & platonic moxiety

Word-count: 3106

Warnings: abusive parents, homesickness, misunderstandings, crying, loneliness, hurt/comfort

Inspiration:  this ask right here

AO3 LINK, Chapter 1 , Chapter 3

I can’t believe I forgot to post this on tumblr! Again, this is a part of the winter bang hosted by @sanderssidesbang. Many thanks to them for hosting this and also thank you to the lovely @theeternalspace for beta’ing this for me <3

If you asked Patton Hart whether he preferred either the cold or the heat, his response would be the same if one had asked whether he liked cats or dogs the best.

“Both!” He would cheerfully say, rocking back and forth on his feet before explaining his reasoning, “I like the cold because you get to drink hot chocolate and wear warm sweaters! Back in Minnesota my house was on a hill and my siblings and I sled down the driveway all the time after it snowed.  I also like when it’s hot outside also because you get to go to the beach and play in the water and make sandcastles--oh! And eat popsicles! Cherry’s my favorite popsicle flavor! What’s yours?”

Patton was prone to rambling, jumping from topic to topic and making connections that might seem unrelated to an outside perspective. It was one of the many symptoms stemming from Patton’s ADHD.

Patton was a glass half full kind of a guy, and that was applicable when it came to his thoughts concerning ADHD. He liked to think that hypo-focus was his superpower that allowed him to concentrate and get tasks done. Just like all super powers, however, there was weaknesses that came with it. Such as hypo-focusing on cartoons instead of doing his homework.

Imagining himself as a superhero who needed to defeat the evils of Homework to save the city helped direct his energy in a more productive manner. Sure, maybe it was a bit childish, but he still very much felt like a child at heart. It was wild to think in a few months on his birthday it’d be a year since he had become a legal adult on his eighteenth birthday. Shucks, he had a hard time not referring to other older adults with a Mr. or Mrs. in front of their name. It felt wrong!

But that wasn’t the biggest thing he was struggling with in his new-found adulthood. It was the aftermath of high school, where all his friends scattered to the four winds. They all promised to keep in contact, that they’d remain best friends forever. But Patton knew how it went, having gone through something similar when he and his family moved from Minnesota to Florida when he was twelve.

Everyone promised they’d keep in contact, but sooner or later the text messages and emails would stop coming. Patton knew that there wasn’t anything malicious behind it. People, including himself, got busy with their own lives. It was natural for friends to drift apart with diverged interests and increased distances.

So it wasn’t a big surprise when the fall semester started and communication with his old high school friends drastically dropped. As they started university, they all became busy with school and work and new friends--and well, there wasn’t any room for poor Patton who stayed home and attended community college.

There was nothing inherently wrong with attending community college of course. It was a more affordable way of education, with many of the classes on the same level as both the private and state universities. There was just an unfortunate stigma surrounding it. Patton lost track of how times people asked him why wasn’t he attending a real college or telling him he was missing out on the true college experience.

He was lonely, he hated to admit it, but he was. Virgil once asked him if he ever understood the feeling of being lonely in a sea of people. He hadn’t, at the time. But now, he understood. Patton went from his early morning classes to work at the mall back to home and slept until he started his routine all over the next day. All the while he was surrounded by people, but people are different than friends.

Patton tried making new friends among his work and school, but he wasn’t stupid. He could read the atmosphere enough to know what they thought of him. He was too loud, too flighty, too childish . Sometimes they actually verbally expressed this.

It caused Patton to spiral further into his hyper-fixations as a coping method. But even his favorite shows wasn’t enough compared to actual human interaction.

That was why he was ecstatic when Virgil told him he was going to be in Florida for the break. Out of all his friends, he’d kept in contact with Virgil the most. It made sense--they’d been best friends for years. Sending memes and cute animal videos had become their primary method of communication. The latter was mainly Patton, but Virgil sent the occasional one. He always seemed to know just when Patton needed them, too. Their schedules didn’t mesh well, but they tried to face-time one another whenever they could. If he was being honest, those snippets of contact with Virgil was the only things that kept him sane through a stressful semester and drama at his workplace.

He hadn’t admitted to Virgil that he was lonely. He couldn’t do that, when Virgil was over a thousand miles away from home in an unfamiliar setting. Patton knew how that felt--he’d at least had his family, Virgil had no one. He was completely surrounded by strangers. Patton didn’t feel like it was fair for him to complain when he at least had stayed in the same town of the high school they’d graduated from and there was still familiar faces around.

So he kept it to himself, slipping back into old habits by keeping a smile on and skirting around the topic. Some part of him wanted Virgil to be suspicious, to demand the truth. But he knew it was unfair of him to think that way when he’d deceived Virgil in the first place. No matter how many justifications Patton tried to tack on, at the end of the day it was just that.

Virgil and him planned to spend what felt like practically Virgil’s entire stay together, starting directly after Christmas. Patton was bouncing in excitement at the thought of it. He was finally going to see his best friend again, after going months unable to meet face to face. He was going to be able to actually hug Virgil instead of sending text messages with GIFs as a poor substitute to the real thing.

Except it was December 27th, and there was no hide nor hair of Virgil Raine in the town of Loving, Florida.

He stared at the last text sent to him by Virgil, trying not to sniffle. It was from December 19th, a couple days before Virgil’s flight was scheduled to leave. It wasn’t anything meaningful, really. Just a mundane text about the weather.

🌩️ Virgil 🌩️: I saw some snow flurries on my way home from work today.

Patton sighed, scrolling down a bit through his own replies.

Patton Hart💙: Ooo exciting! Florida still hasn’t gotten the memo that summer is over--it was almost in the eighties today!

Patton Hart💙: [Image Attached: It was a photo of Patton grinning as he held up a potato chip]

Patton Hart💙: I value our friend-chip

Patton Hart💙: Hey Virge, I heard about the nasty winter storms up north--did your flight get canceled? I hope you’re somewhere safe! <3

Patton Hart💙: Merry Christmas! 🎅🎄🎁

Patton Hart 💙:  ...Virgil are you okay? Are we still on for Mel’s today?

There was a half page more of his own messages, but still none from Virgil himself. It was normal for communication to go silent for a few days due to the busyness of life. But he started having an uneasy feeling when Virgil didn’t respond after the first few messages he sent. That feeling only worsened when he tried calling Virgil yesterday and it went right to voicemail.

Patton always tried seeing the positives in life. Virgil was rather the opposite. He often saw only the negativities in life. Their friendship was one of an immovable object meets an unstoppable force. No one expected the social butterfly to make friends with the antisocial emo. Especially the latter. But Patton never let others’ expectations dictate how he acted, or rather who he was.

Patton was just Patton--he didn’t try to be what others wanted him to be. He felt it was unfair to both others and himself if he tried pretending to be something he wasn’t. So when the kids at his lunch table started snickering about the “creep all alone in the corner,” Patton didn’t join in. He stood up with his lunch tray and marched over there. The creep in question was a seventh grader just like Patton. He didn’t look scary like the others said. If anything, he looked scared with the way his shoulders were hunched in and he avoided eye contact. His figure was swallowed up by a hoodie two sizes too large for him.

“Hi!” Patton grinned, “My name’s Patton, mind if I join you?”

The other only grunted, avoiding direct eye contact with Patton.

It wasn’t a no, so Patton sat down and began talking. The other preteen only made the occasional grunt to let him know he was listening to Patton. It was like that for the whole week. Patton would ask to sit with him, and hold one-way conversations--never pushing for the other to talk.

Patton never minded. He talked enough for two whole people, after all. He sat with the kid to keep him company, to let him know he wasn’t alone.

On Friday of that week, the bell rang signaling the end of lunchtime and Patton stood up from the table.

“Well, see you later, kiddo!” Patton said. He walked a few paces when he heard the kid murmur something. He stopped abruptly, turning around to face the other kid.

“What’d you say?” He asked, unable to contain his excitement.

“M-my name. It’s Virgil.” The kid in the hoodie stammered, taking Patton’s excitement to mean something else.

Patton’s eyes widened. He hadn’t known his name until this moment. He tried asking him once, but let it drop after it clearly made him uncomfortable.

He’d referred to the other as just “kiddo”. It was a strange habit leftover from his toddler years when he was still learning how to speak. His father had so often used the word in reference to Patton and his siblings, that baby Patton had started calling everyone young and old kiddo.

This continued in elementary school where he’d often play the Dad when the girls his age played House. He liked pretending to be a Dad, because it meant he got impersonate his father--who was a hero in his eyes. He wasn’t fond of the more violent make-believe games that the other little boys liked to play. The girls were much nicer and considerate, even when they played games like Warriors Cats.

Sometimes, other kids had made fun of Patton calling others “kiddo.” Patton tried his best to ignore their taunts.

He had tried imagining what the boy in the hoodie’s real name was in the span of the few short days they’d known each other. Virgil wasn’t one of the names he’d guessed, it was different...but he liked different. It fit the boy in the ways Patton’s imagined names hadn’t.

“Virgil. I like it.” Patton grinned, “see you later, Virgil.”

They’d continued hanging out during lunch, and eventually outside of lunch and even school. Their friendship stayed strong into high school. Patton was there for Virgil during what happened in high school the same way Virgil was there for Patton during his break-up senior year. The two had been together through thick and thin.

Only...things were different since the two had separated. Patton knew it would happen, but it didn’t change how much it hurt. He spent almost six years as Virgil’s best friend, seeing him on a daily basis. He hadn’t seen Virgil since before he left in late July for school.

If there was one thing the two had in common, it was that they both didn’t like change.

Virgil told him things were fine over there. But what if he was lying just as much as Patton was? What if things weren’t fine?

Patton generally kept his chin up even in the most difficult circumstances. But he couldn’t help but feel dread and concern about what had happened to Virgil. He wasn’t responding to any of Patton’s texts or calls.

His mind kept going back to the terrible winter storm and wondered if it held any implications about Virgil’s whereabouts. Patton grew up in Minnesota. He knew how dangerous storms could be. This was Virgil’s first winter in a northern state--what if he was caught unaware by the storm and something bad happened?

It might not be that , a small voice in the back of his head said, he might’ve broke his phone or something.

But if he broke his phone, he would’ve tried contacting you some other way . Another voice argued.

He’d at last gathered enough courage to call Virgil’s mom and ask about him.

Patton tapped his fingers nervously against his desk while the phone dialed.

“Hello?”

“Hi Mrs. Raine!” Patton said, mustering as much warmth into his voice as possible, “It’s Patton here. I was wondering if Virgil’s home? We were planning to get together over the break but he hasn’t been responding to any--”

“I’m sorry,” Virgil’s mother briskly interrupted, “but Virgil isn’t here. He’s still up in Massachusetts.”

“W--what?” Patton asked. It shouldn’t have been such a surprise. So why did it feel like he was getting slapped in the face with a fish? Not a dead fish, mind you, but a wiggling very much alive fish that didn’t want to collide with your face anymore than you did.

“I said, he’s still in Massachusetts, honey.” She repeated her words, Southern gush in full force.

Patton liked the friendliness of Florida, but he wasn’t a fan of the “Bless your heart” Southerners that inhabited parts of Florida. He hated when people pretended to be nice when they were really being passive-aggressive. Patton preferred out-right honesty above all.

He’d never gotten good vibes off of either of Virgil’s parents. Even though they always acted like the model parents to Virgil in front of Patton. Virgil had a hard time sharing things even after Patton gained his trust. But the things he did share, made Patton question if they were truly good people or not.

“Can I ask why he’s still in Massachusetts? Did something bad happen?” Patton asked, once he regained his voice.

“Oh heavens no!” She laughed, “His flight was canceled by bad weather and all the next available flights were booked up. Virgil and us agreed it’d better if he just stayed there and saved his money--with last minute flights being expensive and all.”

That...didn’t sound right to Patton. Who didn’t want to see their child for the holidays--even if they happened to miss Christmas? The holidays was a time of fellowship with friends and family. Wouldn’t anyone move heaven and earth so that their child could be with them? It wasn’t like Virgil’s family was hurting for money, either. They had more than enough money to fund Virgil’s college education as well as go on a few cruise trips a year.

Later on, he’d wished he would have given her a piece of his mind. But in the moment he’d been too shocked to say anything of the sort.

“Oh, I see. I guess I was just really worried since he hasn’t responded to any of my texts in like a week. Do you know if he broke his phone or something?” Patton laughed awkwardly. Virgil’s mother didn’t join in.

“No, I don’t think so. I bet he’s been hanging out with his friends all week that he’s been too busy to respond to your text.”

Patton’s breath hitched. That could be a possibility, couldn’t it? It wasn’t like Virgil wasn’t allowed to have friends other than Patton. But would he really do that to Patton? Ignore him completely to go hang out with his new friends? That wasn’t like Virgil at all.

People changed a lot in five months. But they didn’t change that much, did they?

Admittedly those words had been uttered by Virgil’s mother, out of all people. Who knew if that was the truth. But whether knowingly or unknowingly, those words had pierced his heart. Patton was too emotional to think logically about it.

Quickly he thanked Virgil’s mother before ending the call. Which what led him to now, staring at his and Virgil’s text conversation. Tears blurred his vision. Should he send another text? He didn’t want Virgil to be annoyed by him being too clingy. He didn’t want to lose what little remained of their friendship.

Yet at the same time, he couldn’t handle the fading friendships where both pretended everything was fine, that their friendship wasn’t dying. He’d done enough of those during this year. He couldn’t do it with Virgil, his bestest friend.

Patton Hart 💙: Hey kiddo...are we still friends?

Patton Hart 💙: It’s okay if we aren’t!! I know how you are, Virge, you don’t have to feel obligated to remain friends. Seasons come and go, y’know? Not everything lasts...and that’s okay. I still cherish every memory we spent together. But if you want me to stop meownoying you with texts, I’ll understand.

Except, despite those words he sent to Virgil, he was a huge freaking hypocrite. He sat there, flitting with the pop socket on his phone, sobbing. Loud, ugly sobs. He was thankful he was alone in his family’s house so he could suffer in solitude.

He didn’t want to lose Virgil even more than he hadn’t wanted to lose any of his other friends. Virgil was his best friend, after all. They’d done everything together. Patton knew sooner or later he’d be able to make new friends. This season of loneliness wouldn’t last forever. But knowing something didn’t mean his feelings ceased from existence.

People always placed romance having more importance over friendships. But Patton, having gone through a breakup, couldn’t understand that view. Relationships and friendships were equated in his mind. Friends were important. Often the best romantic relationships start off as friendships. He’d prefer friends, even if it meant never loving in that way again.

Once he finished crying for the most part, he went downstairs, clutching a blanket over his shoulders. It dragged behind him on the floor, a sad excuse for a cape.

He opened the refrigerator, reaching for the ice cream, when his phone went off. He fished it out of his pocket, hands trembling. It was a skype call. From Virgil.

[janekfan]

Allocation

Trudging through ankle deep snow towards the small town’s only bus stop, Serizawa spared a sympathetic look for the man next to him when he coughed harshly into his elbow.

“Ah...tol’ Mob I would quit.” The esper didn’t have the heart to tell him it probably wasn’t the smoking; Reigen had been hacking painfully all day, the color so high in his face he wasn’t willing to attribute it completely to the chill and snow in the air. He tugged up his boss’ collar, risking a pat on his shoulder in commiseration, and spared him the struggle it would be to check the schedule as they finally approached.

Just their luck.

They’d missed the last bus by a wide margin, apparently this routine exorcism had taken far longer than either of them had anticipated and now they were stranded here in the middle of nowhere. Another cough startled him out of his pondering and he turned to see Reigen sinking to the lone bench, skin grey and panting. This cold wasn’t doing him any good and he looked back down the street, snow already filling their footsteps. They’d passed an inn--

“How long ‘till the next one?” Raspy, no hint of his usual spark, just tired resignation.

“Tomorrow.” Serizawa looked up into the sky, brushing large, fluffy flakes of the stuff from his curls. “Maybe.” Another cough. “There was a place back a ways. They might have a room.” Nodding, breathless, Reigen climbed shakily to his feet, would have fallen had Serizawa not caught him by the elbow as he slipped on the ice and he kept up his firm grip as he stumbled again, all but leaning on him while they staggered to the inn. Being so near to him, Serizawa had to fight his own blush, pulse racing faster each time Reigen slumped closer, the heat of him exhilarating even through their coats.

 

The room was reasonably priced though sparsely furnished and Serizawa hung their sopping coats, helped Reigen shrug out of his damp suit jacket and toe off his soaked shoes before settling him in a low chair to tug off his dripping socks and glance out the window. It was really coming down now, piling up in the panes. The innkeeper had been right. No one would be coming in or out of town probably for the next day at least.

“Sorry…” That barking cough again, deep and wet this time and Serizawa pushed the spike of worry away before it could set anything in the room to floating. It was probably from transitioning out of the cold, that’s all. “Can get it…” Tugging pathetically at his collar, fingers clumsy with cold tried to loosen his tie with a frustrated huff. Serizawa chuckled just a bit at Reigen’s attempts, chest pounding as he cupped his jaw gently with one palm and pressed his struggling hand down with the other.

“I got it, just relax.” Softly, bold in the face of his disorientation and content to believe he wouldn’t remember any of this tomorrow. It felt a bit like he was taking advantage of the man while he was in this state.

“Mmf…” Barely awake, Reigen leaned his hot cheek into the cool touch as Serizawa slipped the tie from around his neck.

“You’re really hot.” The gust of air passing through his teeth at the comment was more an exhale than a laugh, but the half smirk on his lips was contagious even as Serizawa felt the blood rush to his face. “Wait here, I’m going to check if the desk has anything for it.”

In the end they hadn’t had anything more than Tylenol but Serizawa roused him from where he’d fallen asleep, head tipped against the chair back, and got him to take it with a full glass of water before turning his attention to their ruined trousers, drenched almost to their knees with snowmelt. He couldn’t sleep in those, he’d get worse.

“You’ve got to get out of these wet things and into bed.”

“Getting fresh with me now, Serizawa?” Reigen fixed him with an amused, if exhausted, eye, voice fading in and out.

“N’n’no!” Ramrod straight, arms at his sides, the full body bristle made the conman laugh for a moment before a wheezing fit made him lurch forward. Serizawa forgot all about his embarrassment in favor of soothing him through it, filling another glass and encouraging him to sip slow.

“Might be right.” A tired, shivery sigh and he fumbled with his belt, all thumbs, and Serizawa laid his palm over them, mouth pressed in a tight line as he shifted them aside and unclasped the buckle, pulling him forward so he could kick them off and catching him against his chest as he toppled over. They hung there, suspended in the moment, and Serizawa’s mouth went dry as he swallowed thickly, Reigen’s head leaning on his shoulder and breath beating quickly against his neck. “Sorry...los’ my balance.” The esper nodded, paralyzed with Reigen overwarm and flush against him.

“Yeah,” the word caught in his throat, he cleared it nervously, “yeah, you should sleep.”

And therein lay the rub. There was only the one. Bed that is.

A small futon and no other linens. The innkeeper had apologized and explained that the unexpected storm had trapped quite a few travelers unawares. But the room was warm enough and the chair would suit him for a night. He’d dealt with worse. Reigen was limp under the quilt, melting into its softness and blinking slow as the chill seeped out of him. Serizawa pulled off his own damp clothes, hanging them all up with the coats and jackets before checking on Reigen one last time, surprised when his hand snuck out from under the blankets and grasped his shirt.

“S’cold.” He shivered hard to prove it.

“Rei--”

“Don’t be foolish, there’s only one bed...and s’cold.” Speech slurred from fatigue with eyes half-lidded and hazy, he held his gaze and tugged insistently. “S’okay…” And between one moment and the next Serizawa found himself tucked closely next to Reigen’s warmth, wrapped up in that softness with him and far too near his face to trust himself. His heart was thumping so hard against his ribs he worried that Reigen would hear it. “L’call Mob tomorrow...tell him.” He shuddered, burrowing even closer, burrowing into Serizawa’s chest and sighing deeply, relaxing by degrees until the esper was sure he’d fallen asleep. It was only then he dared to run tentative fingers through hair damp from sweat and snow. Allowed himself this one touch. As many times as Reigen had cut his hair, run his hands over short curls to admire his handiwork, he’d hadn’t ever had the chance to do the same and oh how he’d wondered. Reigen hummed low and Serizawa froze, eyes wide in the dark of the room and suffocating beneath the silence of snow being laid thick and fast outside. “Nice…” Serizawa stroked his head again, running his hand down his nape, over his shoulder blades, feeling the unrelenting heat through the creased material of his shirt.

“Just try and sleep.” Another pass and Reigen drew back to examine Serizawa for long seconds, something achingly familiar in those brown depths, before he shifted forward, pausing in his attempt with an expression akin to frustration and settling for cupping his ear instead, stopping him with a gentle nudge.

“You’ll get sick.”

His lips were soft against his, slightly chapped from wind or fever, and the kiss was too clumsy to be anything romantic but at the same time nothing less than perfect. They broke apart, Reigen’s nose brushing against Serizawa’s cheek as the esper moved to pepper the column of his throat with featherlight kisses. He could feel more than hear the hum of pleasure as it reverberated through him and he forced himself to stop, smiling into salt skin at the noise of discontent the younger man made.

“You need to sleep.” One more chaste press to his forehead and Serizawa knew it was true when minutes later Reigen was well and truly under, settled there by the hand moving over his back. Warm and so, so content, he followed soon after.

 

The busses weren’t running that morning because of the weather and Reigen made do on his promise to call Mob and tell him not to come in that day, unsure of when they’d make it back. He groused, Serizawa felt it was mostly for show, about having to pay for another stay but didn’t seem keen on moving far from bed, still not feeling well and happy to spend the day sipping tea for his cough and dozing, limbs akimbo. He convinced Serizawa to sit with him on the futon, leaning against him and talking about everything and nothing, cup warm in his hands and so sleepy the esper had to lift it away as he nodded off. By the time the busses were running again, their clothes were dry and Reigen’s newest dose of Tylenol took care of most of the lingering discomfort. They parted on the train at Serizawa’s stop, suddenly shy and just barely brushing fingers as they exchanged pleasantries regarding work tomorrow.

 

A knock on the door made Serizawa groan. He knew he shouldn’t rely on his powers but he didn’t think he could make it to the door aching like he was and decided that this one time would be okay.

“Serizawa?” Reigen stepped into his small apartment, pharmacy bag in hand, slipping out of his shoes to come stand before the couch, no doubt taking in his rough appearance. “Ah, told you.” A conciliatory pat and he dropped a kiss to the top of his head, brushing a hand through his curly hair and it was so good to have someone care like this. “I’ll make you tea and you can take some medicine.” Rolls reversed, Serizawa curled up against Reigen on the small couch, the worst of the symptoms now kept at bay as he drifted, eyes slipping to the window and the flakes of snow fluttering down before the hand at his back whisked him gently away.

[juupajaa]

🥀Suffering phase:

Ah man this is gonna suck. I hate this. Just feck everything about this stage. This is where it just turns so dark and brutal that there’s nothing that can make it work. I hope it’s at least informative and reaffirming. This might get heavy so read when you feel you’re ready.

So one day you wake up and go to engage in your disordered behaviour, but for some reason it didn’t really make you feel any special way. You don’t think too much of it yet. You try again later, but still you don’t get that good feeling from it. You do it again, and again, but it’s just not doing it for you anymore. I’m sorry to say this, but honeymoon is over.

Ok so here’s where eds and de split. I’m gonna go through de route first, since this is pretty much where de stops. 

Some with disordered eating might recover right now. If your quality of life has improved, seeing your coping mechanism not work anymore can turn you back and make you run back to real life. For example, let’s say you started to use de to cope with pressure from school/work/hobbies. The pressure has now eased up and you don’t need to deal with it anymore. Your disordered eating isn’t needed and you can phase out of it in a short period of time and best case scenario, you never go back.

For other’s the situation hasn’t improved, they’re still at a bad place and can’t deal with the shit that’s going on in their life, so the disordered eating stays, despite it not helping anymore. Some might wallow in a state of not really getting worse or better, which can be extremely distressing since there is never any improvement or relief. Other’s might get into a cycle where their disordered eating perks up every now and then when they feel negative emotions, and sometimes is backs off and leaves when things get a bit easier for a while. 

The thing about disordered eating is that it doesn’t solve your problem, so there might be pressure to try harder to engage in disordered behaviour, which can lead to your de turning into an ed. I’d like to point out that de is getting more and more common in western/modern society. Some things that probably have contributed to this are sugar addiction, high accessibility of already prepared food, and snacking instead of eating regular meals, but I didn’t check any of that so don’t take that as anything but my own ramblings. Here are some examples of what disordered eating is like and how to differentiate it from a full blown ed:

experiencing anxiety about food/nutrition/your body on the daily basis (eds have this too)

disordered behaviour, for example, restricting, purging, binging, obsessing over nutrition, other abnormal eating habits (eds have this too)

 being able to take part in meals with others and act out normal behaviour most of the time, despite the extreme discomfort from the disordered thoughts (in eds, this ability is fading or completely removed)

being able to do things that go against your disordered thoughts most of the time, despite feeling extremely terrible about it (in eds, going against the disorder becomes near impossible)

being able to “switch it off” when needed, for example in order to keep it secret or to “take it easier for a bit” (in eds, there is no off switch, the disordered thoughts are constant and there’s no way around them)

being able to go on for long periods of time without really having that many disordered thoughts or without letting them bother you and hinder whatever you’re doing at the time (in eds, the disordered thoughts are intrusive, overwhelming, and they prevent you from doing unrelated things constantly)

I know this can be hard to hear for some, since the need and desire to get a full blown ed can be extremely strong. There’s no shame in that and I’ll tell you why. Your de isn’t helping you cope anymore and your life is overwhelming. Thanks to that bitch honeymoon phase, you know for a fact that this can help you feel better. The problem is however that it won’t help you, but you don’t have a lot of options, since you don’t know how to cope with your situation. The assumption is that you need to get even “better” at your thing in order to cope better again. It makes perfect sense, so don’t feel stupid for wanting for it to get even worse. For some it does, for other’s it don’t and we don’t know what exactly is that thing that makes the difference, but we all need help and new, better coping mechanisms, no matter if it’s de or a full blown ed we deal with. Disordered eating can be dangerous too and the discomfort alone is enough to start affecting you negatively. Further down I have written a list of stuff that you might experience from having disordered thoughts and engaging in disordered behaviour and a lot of what I will write about eds can ring familiar to you too. I’m not gonna talk more about disordered eating, but if you feel like you have it, I recommend looking more into it in order to understand it better.

So now let’s talk about eds. Ok so let’s say one day you get up to do something you were planning on doing, but suddenly you realize, you can’t do it. Your de prohibits you from doing something you wanted to do. And then it happens again. And again.

And AgAiN anD aGaiN. 

You’re out of the honeymoon and your ed has fully formed. The difference between an ed and de is the frequency and intensity of your obsession with food/your body. It’s starting to take up hours upon hours of your day to do everything that your ed asks you to do and the pain, sacrifices, shame and guilt, are just barely worth the tiny bit of relief you get when you perform your disordered behaviour. 

So by now some of you are getting malnourished. Now, being malnourished doesn’t mean you’re underweight, nor does it mean you haven’t eaten in two days. Being malnourished means you haven’t been getting proper nutrition in months. This can be because you don’t get enough calories in, you purge too much of your intake, or you are eating foods that don’t provide you with enough nutrition, such as eating only one or few things or not eating enough of something specific. You can be malnourished at any weight and you can be malnourished even if you eat multiple times a day or have some “good days” in between. Here’s what being malnourished might feel like:

You’re in a whole another world. It feels like other people aren’t even in the same universe as you

It can feel like everything’s a bit slow, even if days go by quickly, colours aren’t quite as bright as they used to be and sounds seem muted

Your work memory is so minimal that you’re having trouble getting through basic tasks without stopping to think about what you’re doing

You feel exhausted all the time, there’s no point in talking or doing anything, you just want to go lie down and even then you don’t feel like you’re resting

You’re either irritable or apathetic, rarely anything else

Even something as small as reaching for something feels like a task

You’re having trouble communicating your point to others and your point seems lost on yourself too

You’re having trouble following conversations and sometimes it feels like people are speaking gibberish and not real words at all.

Being malnourished is not fun, that I can tell you. It can sound similar to depression and those two usually go hand in hand. A lot of people with eds also have anxiety or depression and as we have already established earlier, other mental disorders play a part in your ed as well and equally, your ed might be making your other disorders worse.

Getting malnourished isn’t a requirement for an ed (or de) by no means and even if you aren’t malnourished, there are several physical symptoms you might get from the mere strain of having an ed (or de). Eds (and de) cause a lot of physical instability in your body, since your eating is disordered and you experience anxiety and stress over food/your body. Here are some physical symptoms you might experience from the continued stress alone (but trust me you probably are also malnourished):

digestive problems (constipation, diarrhea, bloating)

headaches, clenched teeth/tight jaw, neck and shoulder pains

hair loss, brittle nails, dry or irritated skin, dry mouth, bad breath despite dental hygiene

heart palpitations, a sudden sinking feeling in your chest

numbness in your limbs/shoulders, pain or weakness in your joints

excessive sweating, cold sweats, shaking/shivering for no apparent reason

irritability, fatigue, exhaustion, difficult to focus

insomnia or other sleep problems (too much, too little, not waking up feeling rested despite getting a good amount of hours in)

weakened immune system

So let’s talk about this stage itself, since we’ve been rambling about pretty much everything else. Suffering phase is pretty much what it sounds like. You’re just suffering. You’re not getting worse and worse and everything just kind of rots around you. You might be losing friends or hobbies, since your ed is making you avoid a lot of situations. You’re becoming isolated and you can’t really talk to anyone out of the fear they might intervene with your behaviour. Most of your day, if not every minute of it, is consumed by your ed and you have to keep on doing what you do, just to feel little less horrible. Here are some thoughts and feelings you might experience:

apathy over the loss of your other hobbies/interests/friends

increasing loneliness and isolation, yet you don’t want anyone to get close either

feelings of worthlessness, shame and guilt about yourself

disinterest in others, such as your friends, family, significant other

overwhelming and all-consuming disordered thoughts that get mixed into every situation, no matter if food is involved or not, making it impossible to focus on anything else most of the time

difficulty do handle anything unexpected or just mildly inconvenient without having to resort to your disordered behaviour for comfort

increasing fear, anxiety and discomfort

Suffering phase doesn’t have a time limit. It can go on forever. Some people die here, some keep coming back over and over again on endless repeat. Those with chronic eds stay here for years upon years. This is such a dark and miserable stage and while you’re in it, you might be so lost you don’t even realize to feel sadness for it. It can feel like there is no way out, there’s no way for you to ever recover, you don’t even want to recover, let alone try. I know it can feel like this is what you deserve and this is just how things are, but trust me, there is more stages to eds. It doesn’t have to end here. 

The next stage is just around the corner, you just gotta start eyeing it. It is so hard to shake anyone out of this phase and we all know by now that the will to recover has to come from the inside. You’ve got to start hoping for something better. I know for a fact that you can still get a new start and there’s a reset button a little further down the road. Just please, start thinking about things you’d like to do. Places you’d like to go. People you’d like to meet and the person you want to be. Whatever these things are, think about them and try to get that spark of hope going.

[life-with-my-three]

22+2

This pregnancy is aging me. I swear.

So as not to go into detail, I’ve explained pretty much what has been happening up until a fortnight ago.

Last Monday (10ish days ago) I went to my GP for something completely unrelated, she did a blood pressure check, it was borderline high and I got sent up to the hospital’s pregnancy assessment service. Everything was stable so they took bloods and because of prior history had me come back in 48 hours for another bp check.

I had a routine midwife appointment that Wednesday anyway, so just went there instead. They did a couple of hours of serial blood pressure checks and they were on the threshold of high, even with meds. I had a therapy appointment so I went to that, went and had more blood tests done, then had to go back to antenatal to have bp checked and see the OB.

I was diagnosed with Pregnancy Induced Hypertension, which really came at no surprise. But then the following conversation confused me.

We discussed what happened with Fletcher’s birth. I had severe neurological symptoms signalling I was going to either have an imminent stroke or seizure, so he was born. BUT after he was born all my lab results weren’t “off” enough to have been preeclampsia. So after discussing what that would mean for this time, they stated they most likely wouldn’t deliver again like they did with Fletcher, but just attempt IV antihypertensives.

I had so much anxiety over this. From my research the official guidelines had changed in recent years as to not having to have abnormal labs, but the severe neurological symptoms made needing to deliver imminently needed, because of the stroke/seizure risk. Obviously I want to do EVERYTHING to avoid another prem Bub, but I had this weird feeling that is hard to describe, and was terrified that if they left me without delivering I could have a major stroke leaving Riley and Fletcher without a mum.

A second opinion was too hard to source, so I’ve spent the week telling myself they’d do the right thing, whatever that is, if it was needed and to just trust the team.

Then this morning I had another routine midwife appointment. Because of everything that has been happening I am already having weekly appointments. We do the usual checks, and then she said she had to talk to me about something.

Apparently, they have now spoken to a consultant OB in Melbourne (I’m technically in a regional area of the state, although a major regional town). After this discussion they had been told that going off the severe neurological symptoms with Fletcher, I most definitely had SEVERE pre eclampsia despite normal labs. In recent years they have changed the guidelines as to not needing the abnormal labs, because although my presentation is rare, it does happen, and delaying treatment until labs are abnormal causes mother and baby death.

On that though, the protein in my urine is still under the pre eclampsia threshold currently, but it is rising. So who knows. Two more weeks until viability, and every week past that is a huge bonus!

Then on the way home from antenatal this morning I was celebrating for a quick in and out appointment, when another lady and I reversed our cars into one another (it’s pelting rain, and we must of reversed at the exact same time). So now after texting my midwife I’m just about I head back into clinic for an ultrasound to check on bub.

15 more weeks! 🤞

[jaybirbmoved]

Do Not Reblog

So after a lot of consideration, I’ve decided that Jason suffering from a Traumatic Brain Injury is going to become part of my blog canon. This is only going to apply to my main verse, and other verses where he died after being beaten by the Joker via use of a crowbar. There’s some canon evidence to support this decision, as evidenced at the end of Under The Hood and in Red Hood: The Lost Days by Judd Winnick.

More under the cut, so I’m not clogging up the dash.

In Under The Hood, Jason was said to have been dead for roughly six months before “fate” (aka Superboy-Prime punching reality) decided to set things right, as he was “never supposed to die.” He woke up, panicked because he was in a coffin and dug his way out, then apparently walked for 12.5 miles in the rain and dark with all of his injuries - as he wasn’t ‘healed’ upon waking up, so he had whatever he was suffering from before he died in the explosion, which according to the panel below included a cracked skull causing bleeding into the brain, a shattered sternum, flash burns and at least forty other fractures. 

Although severely wounded the cops indicate he was awake and talking to them only to “go under” and presumably they didn’t think he was going to wake up after surgery because of the extent of his injuries. After slipping into a coma Jason was moved to a facility that cared for patients with minimal brain function. It states that he was now in a chronic vegetative state. So, not comatose, not healed, still unconscious and unresponsive, but not brain dead either. They go on to explain that it was his survival instincts that caused him to wake up even though his body shouldn’t have allowed him to. 

Now, since you can’t be in a PVS (Persistent Vegetative State) and conscious at the same time, and they made sure to specify that a year had passed by the time he woke up (it takes only a few months to be declared PVS without brain trauma and at least 1 year with trauma), it seems likely that he went from being comatose, to vegetative, to finally a minimally conscious state.

According to multiple sources, people in a MCS, while not completely functional/aware, do retain some understanding of their conscious surroundings. There is enough to prove that this is distinctly different than people who are comatose or in PVS, as they are not conscious or aware of anything at all, even with stimulation. Jason woke up from a vegetative state and walked out of the hospital, surviving for more than a year on the streets while relying on his old instincts and what Batman taught him. He knew when he was cold, hungry, etc., and he also knew what to do to fix these problems. 

Yet, despite his survival skills, he doesn’t attempt to seek out Bruce, and he doesn’t speak even once (that we’re shown) between the time he slipped into a coma and when Talia pushes him into the Lazarus Pit. Either he doesn’t have enough awareness to remember his death/what happened to him, or he does but doesn’t have the ability to make decisions beyond survival reflexes. I have a theory, due to the two above panels and the term jog a memory, that Jason didn’t try to find Bruce despite being in Gotham because he didn’t remember him until he was put in danger. Think about it. He woke up in an unfamiliar place, in no physical pain, wandered outside… 

What was Jason doing before he met Bruce at age 12? He was living on the streets! Stealing to survive! So he went back to doing that. Whether he was aware something was wrong with him during this time is debatable, but it seems doubtful. 

It’s more likely that the familiar environment of the alley and being subjected to pain (especially since that would have been the last thing he remembered before his death) just provoked a similar response that he would have had while being attacked as Robin.

Don’t ask me why an alcoholic, homeless former criminal knew someone that was friends with Talia Al Ghul. They never explain.

Back to the point; aside from his survival skills Jason seemed unable to actually function in his condition. Talia knew it, as did Ra’s, and so did the doctors they hired. In the following final panels from Under The Hood, Ra’s admits that Jason could be useful one day but decides that after a year of trying to get Jason to respond enough to tell them how he came back to life, he’s unlikely to ever speak or…emote, ever again. 

Despite multiple people insisting that Jason will never recover mentally, despite physically being at peak health and having the conditioning of an Olympic athlete, they all claim that his brain damage is too severe and that naturally he could never regain any form of awareness again. Talia disputes this, and she seems correct, to a degree. 

Though he lashes out when provoked through pain, he never fights back when it’s her, something she’s quick to point out. This indicates he has enough awareness that he realizes this is a person trying to help him. Someone that cares. 

Supposedly, people in a minimally conscious state can exhibit emotional reactions to specific stimuli, such as smiling or crying. When Talia begins talking to Jason about Bruce, about how he misses Jason and has been grieving and suffering since his death, Jason doesn’t verbally respond in anyway, but he cries. Talia seems to understand that he does hear her, even though he can’t respond, which means he does remember Bruce, and he misses him too.

After being exposed to a Lazarus Pit, Jason regains all of his memories, his ability to speak, and consciousness of his surroundings as well as the other abilities he had before his death. However, due to the fact that his brain had several years time to heal before his exposure, and it was still developing at the time to boot (meaning he’s arguably mentally younger than he’s supposed to be, thinking like a 15 year old as opposed to a 19-20 year old), I find it likely that aside from “waking” him up, so to speak, it did little else. Although he has recovered enough to live the “normal” life of your typical gun-totting vigilante, Jason does still suffer from the side effects of the severe brain damage that Joker inflicted on him.

This includes cognitive problems that give him learning disorder like symptoms, such as Dyslexia, and difficulty reading fine print/fancy script especially. Early on he had a lot of trouble with some of his fine and gross motor skills, having to relearn many of them. There’s also neurobehavioral problems, which are described as behavioral problems attributed to specific aspects of a brain injury. Individuals may develop difficulty with self-control, impulse control, frustration, anger and aggression issues, and behaving with inappropriate ways socially. Physical therapy/training, something Jason participates in frequently because of his lifestyle, can help repair muscle and neuromotor skills. While he is frustrated frequently due to the limitations he suffers from, it’s not enough that it actually prevents him from doing most things. 

It’s mostly mental deficits that impede his day to day life. TBIs can cause emotional, social, or behavioral problems and changes in personality. Jason in particular is emotionally unstable and suffers from depression (occasionally to the point of being self destructive and at times suicidal) and anxiety that are linked to his trauma, social withdrawal, inability to control his anger…  he has insomnia and goes through bipolar-like mania not unrelated to his PTSD, and his psychosis can be triggered by unexpected things (such as the video will Bruce left him after he supposedly died, an example of by far one of his worst mental breakdowns).

[lesbeet]

long post ahead

ive been thinking nonstop about the possibility of me having adhd since my sister and her boyfriend brought it up to me last week (i’m FINALLY seeing my therapist today so we can talk about it) and i’ve been doing a lot of research and i found the howtoadhd channel on youtube

and literally the number of times in the past 2 hours alone that i’ve teared up or started legitimately crying because of how much i relate to things that these videos are saying is ridiculous, like some of them are word-for-word things i’ve said that i had NO inkling of an idea could be related to adhd

like this one video of this guy who was diagnosed at 43 and said that prior to his diagnosis he had just accepted that he would feel dissatisfied for his whole life, that he would never feel content, i’ve been saying that for YEARS and just was resigned to it and chalked it up solely to my depression

and just like. having been able to do well in school as a kid but constantly being told that i’m “not living up to [my] potential” and now that i’m in my early 20s and my intelligence can’t compensate for like....not being able to regulate my emotions and not being able to organize my life and not being able to motivate myself to do things, which is supposedly why a number of people get diagnosed around this time, because metrics for success are different in adulthood (you can’t just take a test and rely on being smart to compensate for all the other problems), and i was always just. thinking that i fucked up and wasted my life through laziness or whatever the case may be

i’ve always considered myself to be “crafty” and “resourceful” in the sense that i may not go about doing things in the typical way but i can almost always find a way to accomplish what i need accomplished, even if it’s unconventional -- apparently that’s common with adhd too! like i’ll say “oh i couldn’t figure out how to do [x] so i did [y and z]” and someone will be like “why didn’t you just do [thing everyone else does]” and usually i either couldn’t figure out how, or it didn’t occur to me, and my way was weird and unconventional, but it worked for me!

and then of course i’m just recognizing all these signs that have always been there that i either didn’t notice or attributed to other things -- i’ve been trying to observe the way my attention functions this week and literally i space out and miss things SO much more often than i ever realized, like i miss so much information because i’ve drifted off. or i get really stuck on things in conversations and even after everyone else has moved on i have this urge to bring it back so i can say that last thing i’ve been rehearsing over and over for the past 5 minutes so i didn’t forget it, and now it’s in my head and everyone is talking about something else and it’s SO inconsequential but i have to forcibly drag myself away from whatever the thing is (yesterday my sister and her friend and i were talking about early 2000′s fashion and i wanted to make a comment about wearing ugly scarves as belts and they saw a dog and moved on to talking about cute things our dogs have done and i just couldn’t stop thinking about the scarves as belts thing for like 10 minutes until i just had to sigh and be like...well i can’t bring that up again now)

when i was younger i would rush through tests so i could go back to whatever book i was reading and i just thought it was a silly quirk like “oh i just like to read lol” but i realized i still do similar things -- if i’m reading a book or watching a show or working on something, THAT is what i’m doing. anything else, whether it’s work or sleep or eating or hanging out with a friend or fulfilling any sort of responsibility? that’s a break from the thing i’m doing. if i’m reading a book, even if it’s the 3rd time i’m rereading harry potter for the year, for example, then in my head, i’m reading harry potter. i have to go to work all day but then i can read harry potter. all i’m doing is thinking about reading harry potter. i rush through my responsibilities so i can go BACK to reading harry potter, because that’s what i’m doing and anything else is just taking a break from reading harry potter. (you see how this can negatively affect the accomplishment/fulfillment of important tasks and responsibilities)

and my sister has pointed out things that i didn’t really notice, like she said it’s really difficult to hold a conversation with me when i’m excited about something because i can’t calm down enough to let the other person talk. and i’ve always known that i tend to finish peoples’ sentences for them during conversations, which i always thought was a way of showing that i’m listening! but ive realized it’s actually that, if i already know what you’re going to say, and you’re saying it too slowly, i get impatient and i need to blurt out the rest for you so we can move on and i can say my next thing before i forget it

and like obviously all people experience some symptoms some of the time, daydreaming isn’t exclusive to adhd, neither is walking into a room and forgetting what you’re doing there. but this week as i’ve been paying attention, i notice i do it CONSTANTLY. the other night i opened up my phone before bed because i remembered i hadn’t set my alarm, so i picked it up from where i place it for the night (i was about to go to sleep). 15 minutes later i put my phone back down and decided to turn in for the night again, and then realized i still had never turned the alarm on because i got distracted and did other stuff. and things like that happen with almost comical regularity, now that i know to look for it.

i’ve known i have executive dysfunction issues for a long time so i won’t go into those, but like we’ve known i have problems with directions and organization and spatial processing and knowing how to complete tasks for a long time

the rejection-sensitive dysphoria is something i didn’t really realize was part of adhd, but it makes SO much sense. i think it’s part of why i thought i had bpd for a while, because a lot of the symptoms were similar and i knew i was dealing with something more than just depression and anxiety but didn’t know what, and a lot of the symptoms i experienced also seemed to fit the bpd diagnosis even if my actual behavior and personality didn’t seem to

there are so many more things i’ve noticed this week and thought about differently but i literally can’t remember what they are lmao i think i’m gonna try to write stuff down so i don’t forget to tell my therapist today but like. 

so many of these things i didn’t realize had anything to do with adhd, like emotional dysregulation, i’ve always known i have horrible mood swings and trouble regulating my emotions, i’ve always noticed a lot of these different symptoms but it never occurred to me that they could all be part of the same thing??

like i haven’t been tested or diagnosed yet and i’m worried i’m getting carried away but the only time i’ve ever felt this sort of relief was a few months ago when realizing my dad is a narcissist. like the feeling of “oh my god, i knew this was something i experienced but i didn’t think i could attribute it to anything” and “oh my god, this is word for word something i say all the time, i didn’t realize it was part of a pattern”

and it genuinely made me cry! hearing people talk about things that describe me that i never would have guessed might have to do with adhd, finding something that seems to encompass a very broad range of symptoms that i previously thought were unrelated or results of a myriad of things (and obviously they all play off of one another but that’s a whole separate issue)

but it would explain so much of my behavior and challenges -- why i struggle with finishing up a task or project once the big, complicated part is done; why i get super obsessed with something and then once it wears off i never mention or think about it again; why i’ve always needed my mom’s help to clean my closet or pack for a trip, even though i felt like i was way too old to need help with that; why people constantly are like “i know you heard me say this because you said ‘ok’” about things i genuinely have no recollection of

but i just can’t stop thinking about that guy talking about how he was just resigned to thinking he would never been satisfied or content with his life because that is something i have been feeling and saying FOREVER, for years ive just been like “everything is so hard, the idea of spending the rest of my life struggling to get up in the morning and going to work every day, dealing with all my responsibilities, i feel like i’m exhausted and underwater just thinking about it, i’m never going to feel fulfilled or satisfied, it’s always just going to be slogging through my responsibilities and it’s never going to end” and apparently that’s....a normal thing, and i just thought it was depression and maybe part of it is, but maybe the reason i struggle so much with those every day things is because my brain is wired differently?

and maybe i’ve fucked up because at this point i think i’ll be really disappointed if i don’t get the diagnosis because i’m not really sure what else could explain these issues, it certainly makes sense and i feel like it fits and i feel relieved just thinking about having that answer, and it certainly negatively impacts almost every aspect (if not every aspect) of my life. so like if i don’t get diagnosed idk what i’m gonna do and i probably fucked up by spending the last week obsessing over it lol

but like....the relief i feel every time i read or hear or see someone with adhd say “i experience [x]” and i’m like holy shit??? me too???? and it just. feels like maybe there’s an explanation for all this horrible dissatisfaction and unhappiness i thought i was going to be stuck with for the rest of my life, and there are other people who experience these things and there are things that can be done, medication and therapy and strategies and...my whole life doesn’t NEED to feel like a challenge, maybe it’s not an indisputable fact that i’m just going to have to live with forever.

if you read this far and you have adhd (especially if you were diagnosed after childhood) i would love to hear your thoughts on this, obviously i didn’t list every single symptom and experience and i know there are more but these are all i could think of at the moment, if i seem like i’m way off base obviously please let me know

[thebrokenrobina-blog]

Do Not Reblog

So after a lot of consideration, I’ve decided that Jason suffering from a Traumatic Brain Injury is going to become part of my blog canon. This is only going to apply to my main verse, and other verses where he died after being beaten by the Joker via use of a crowbar. There’s some canon evidence to support this decision, as evidenced at the end of Under The Hood and in Red Hood: The Lost Days by Judd Winnick.

More under the cut, so I’m not clogging up the dash.

In Under The Hood, Jason was said to have been dead for roughly six months before “fate” (aka Superboy-Prime punching reality) decided to set things right, as he was “never supposed to die.” He woke up, panicked because he was in a coffin and dug his way out, then apparently walked for 12.5 miles in the rain and dark with all of his injuries - as he wasn’t ‘healed’ upon waking up, so he had whatever he was suffering from before he died in the explosion, which according to the panel below included a cracked skull causing bleeding into the brain, a shattered sternum, flash burns and at least forty other fractures. 

Although severely wounded the cops indicate he was awake and talking to them only to “go under” and presumably they didn’t think he was going to wake up after surgery because of the extent of his injuries. After slipping into a coma Jason was moved to a facility that cared for patients with minimal brain function. It states that he was now in a chronic vegetative state. So, not comatose, not healed, still unconscious and unresponsive, but not brain dead either. They go on to explain that it was his survival instincts that caused him to wake up even though his body shouldn’t have allowed him to. 

Now, since you can’t be in a PVS (Persistent Vegetative State) and conscious at the same time, and they made sure to specify that a year had passed by the time he woke up (it takes only a few months to be declared PVS without brain trauma and at least 1 year with trauma), it seems likely that he went from being comatose, to vegetative, to finally a minimally conscious state.

According to multiple sources, people in a MCS, while not completely functional/aware, do retain some understanding of their conscious surroundings. There is enough to prove that this is distinctly different than people who are comatose or in PVS, as they are not conscious or aware of anything at all, even with stimulation. Jason woke up from a vegetative state and walked out of the hospital, surviving for more than a year on the streets while relying on his old instincts and what Batman taught him. He knew when he was cold, hungry, etc., and he also knew what to do to fix these problems. 

Yet, despite his survival skills, he doesn’t attempt to seek out Bruce, and he doesn’t speak even once (that we’re shown) between the time he slipped into a coma and when Talia pushes him into the Lazarus Pit. Either he doesn’t have enough awareness to remember his death/what happened to him, or he does but doesn’t have the ability to make decisions beyond survival reflexes. I have a theory, due to the two above panels and the term jog a memory, that Jason didn’t try to find Bruce despite being in Gotham because he didn’t remember him until he was put in danger. Think about it. He woke up in an unfamiliar place, in no physical pain, wandered outside… 

What was Jason doing before he met Bruce at age 12? He was living on the streets! Stealing to survive! So he went back to doing that. Whether he was aware something was wrong with him during this time is debatable, but it seems doubtful. 

It’s more likely that the familiar environment of the alley and being subjected to pain (especially since that would have been the last thing he remembered before his death) just provoked a similar response that he would have had while being attacked as Robin.

Don’t ask me why an alcoholic, homeless former criminal knew someone that was friends with Talia Al Ghul. They never explain.

Back to the point; aside from his survival skills Jason seemed unable to actually function in his condition. Talia knew it, as did Ra’s, and so did the doctors they hired. In the following final panels from Under The Hood, Ra’s admits that Jason could be useful one day but decides that after a year of trying to get Jason to respond enough to tell them how he came back to life, he’s unlikely to ever speak or…emote, ever again. 

Despite multiple people insisting that Jason will never recover mentally, despite physically being at peak health and having the conditioning of an Olympic athlete, they all claim that his brain damage is too severe and that naturally he could never regain any form of awareness again. Talia disputes this, and she seems correct, to a degree. 

Though he lashes out when provoked through pain, he never fights back when it’s her, something she’s quick to point out. This indicates he has enough awareness that he realizes this is a person trying to help him. Someone that cares. 

Supposedly, people in a minimally conscious state can exhibit emotional reactions to specific stimuli, such as smiling or crying. When Talia begins talking to Jason about Bruce, about how he misses Jason and has been grieving and suffering since his death, Jason doesn’t verbally respond in anyway, but he cries. Talia seems to understand that he does hear her, even though he can’t respond, which means he does remember Bruce, and he misses him too.

After being exposed to a Lazarus Pit, Jason regains all of his memories, his ability to speak, and consciousness of his surroundings as well as the other abilities he had before his death. However, due to the fact that his brain had several years time to heal before his exposure, and it was still developing at the time to boot (meaning he’s arguably mentally younger than he’s supposed to be, thinking like a 15 year old as opposed to a 19-20 year old), I find it likely that aside from “waking” him up, so to speak, it did little else. Although he has recovered enough to live the “normal” life of your typical gun-totting vigilante, Jason does still suffer from the side effects of the severe brain damage that Joker inflicted on him.

This includes cognitive problems that give him learning disorder like symptoms, such as Dyslexia, and difficulty reading fine print/fancy script especially. Early on he had a lot of trouble with some of his fine and gross motor skills, having to relearn many of them. There’s also neurobehavioral problems, which are described as behavioral problems attributed to specific aspects of a brain injury. Individuals may develop difficulty with self-control, impulse control, frustration, anger and aggression issues, and behaving with inappropriate ways socially. Physical therapy/training, something Jason participates in frequently because of his lifestyle, can help repair muscle and neuromotor skills. While he is frustrated frequently due to the limitations he suffers from, it’s not enough that it actually prevents him from doing most things. 

It’s mostly mental deficits that impede his day to day life. TBIs can cause emotional, social, or behavioral problems and changes in personality. Jason in particular is emotionally unstable and suffers from depression (occasionally to the point of being self destructive and at times suicidal) and anxiety that are linked to his trauma, social withdrawal, inability to control his anger…  he has insomnia and goes through bipolar-like mania not unrelated to his PTSD, and his psychosis can be triggered by unexpected things (such as the video will Bruce left him after he supposedly died, an example of by far one of his worst mental breakdowns).

[stompsite]

The One About Dark Souls

This piece was originally slated for another publication about a year ago. It didn’t get published. So here it is.

This time, I’m confident I have him. Father Gascgoine has been plaguing me for weeks, but I’ve got it all worked out. I enter the arena, pumped up and ready to do this. For a few minutes, everything’s fine, but then I feel that telltale twinge in my hand. Before I know it, the pain’s burning up my arm and into my neck. I have to put the controller down. My poor health has betrayed me again. I’ll never be good enough to beat a Souls game.

Dark Souls is hard. That’s what it’s known for. In a world where the biggest and most successful games are built on promises about playing your own way, Dark Souls is brutal and unrelenting. FromSoftware’s magnum opus demands you take it on its own terms, a strategy that has proved wildly popular; few games can lay claim to a fanbase as passionate and loyal as Dark Souls.

A debate has raged for years over whether or not Dark Souls would benefit from an easy mode. Fans will tell you that no, difficulty is an essential element of the Dark Souls experience, that much of the game’s fun is found in its difficulty, and they have a point. Others, people who have wanted to embrace the series, but derive enjoyment in games from anything other than challenge, believe that Dark Souls would be better off with an easy mode.

Dark Souls joins all-time greats like Doom and Donkey Kong in establishing its own formula. Indie and AAA game developers alike have borrowed heavily from the Souls series, with games like Salt and Sanctuary, Lords of the Fallen, and Nioh. Before we ask ourselves whether Souls should have an easy mode, we need to understand how Souls games work.

Souls works like this: you, the player, have to travel through the game’s world, conquering its challenging bosses. Whenever you defeat an enemy, you earn a currency, called ‘souls,’ or ‘blood echoes,’ or something similar, which you use to purchase upgrades. If you die, you drop your collection of souls and respawn at the last save point, usually a physical location like a bonfire. Crucially, you cannot bank souls. This means that as your power grows, so does the need to explore world, putting yourself at risk, until you have enough souls to purchase more powerful upgrades.

The combat requires you to play thoughtfully. You must keep an eye on your stamina bar, which drains based on your attacks and movement. Draining your stamina at an inopportune time could result in an unfortunate death. Your attacks are usually animation-driven, which means that when you press a button to attack, you cannot break out of the attack animation until it has completed. A properly-timed attack means the difference between life and death in a Souls game.

These mechanics are then set in a world designed to accommodate them. Souls mechanics would never work in a game like The Witcher 3, where players could simply observe enemies and circle around them, avoiding the confrontation entirely. Souls maps, on the other hand, are built with explicit encounter design in mind. An early encounter in Dark Souls 3 features a dragon that will easily roast unsuspecting players. You rush up some stairs, get roasted, die, and start back at the bonfire, wiser now than you were before. As you progress, you discover shortcuts that make traversal significantly easier.

Over time, you learn about the game’s world. What seemed like cruelty at first is playful and mischievous. The world becomes more readable. Dark Souls thrives on initial surprise and eventual mastery. “Git gud,” the fanbase’s mantra, isn’t so much a statement of derision as a description of the player’s evolution. The more you play, the better you become.

One of the big appeals of turn-based games like XCOM and Civilization is the way they convince their players to keep going. “Just one more turn,” you tell yourself, and before you know it, it’s 5 in the morning and you’ve been up all night and have nearly liberated Earth from an alien menace. The Souls games are like that too, but they use difficulty to accomplish the same thing. Get instakilled by a cleverly-placed boss? Before you know it, you’re back at the nearest bonfire. “That was a cheap death,” you tell yourself, “I can totally get past it.”

Dark Souls is a game of mastery, expertly crafting an emotional narrative to accompany your growing skill. Overcoming that seemingly-impossible boss is thrilling. Laughing along at the designer’s jokey ambushes is enjoyable. Souls engages you, draws you in, and delivers some of the best emotional highs in gaming.

It’s unfair to say that Souls is just a hard game; there are thousands of challenging games out there. Dead Rising 2 creates challenge through time management. Ikaruga’s difficulty is based on player reflex. Souls is a game that uses its difficulty tuning to help establish its compelling formula. Without the difficulty, so much of what makes Souls such a brilliant series would be lost.

Despite this, I wish the Souls games had an easy mode, because I can’t play it like you. I want to share in the stories and strategies. I want to beat Father Gascoigne with a Donkey Conga controller and put the video up on YouTube. I want to master the game’s systems. I want to be a part of this passionate and vibrant community so much, but I can’t.

I can’t because my body is shutting down.

Twelve years ago, I got sick. At first, it was just mild fatigue. Doctors said it was some bug that would pass. Family thought it was teenage laziness. Then it got worse. Prior to getting sick, I’d been learning to fly planes. I used to climb regularly at the YMCA. I loved boating--whether it was a 50 mile camping trip or whitewater rafting, I was there. Within months, I’d almost completely lost my ability to function. One doctor told me that, after looking at my lab results, she was amazed I had the strength to get out of bed at all.

It took four years to get a diagnosis, but instead of having some name to give my illness, like cancer or lupus or something, I was told that some genes just didn’t work right. It was a lot more complicated than that, but that’s the gist of it. As a result, I suffer from chronic pain and chronic fatigue, and I also have all the symptoms that come with a severe lack of magnesium, because my body doesn’t absorb it properly.

Chronic fatigue is a deeply misunderstood disease. People don’t get it. If you get cancer or multiple sclerosis, there is some degree of understanding there. Chronic fatigue is much harder to explain. Many people don’t believe it’s real. Some countries classify it as a mental disorder, rather than a physical one. Everything I ever wanted to do in life has been ripped away from me by this illness. Without games writing, which I’m fortunate enough to be able to do from home, I don’t know how I would survive.

During her TED talk on chronic fatigue, documentarian Jennifer Brea pauses and simply states “my brain is not what it used to be.” I know what she means, because I’ve been there. I was so much more than this. Chronic fatigue consumes everything. I’m lucky because for me, there is some degree of hope. With regular treatment, I could go back to living something resembling a normal life, but since the illness limits what jobs I can take, my income is limited, which limits my ability to pay for treatment for my illness. Dealing with my illness is as simple as a potential employer taking a chance on me so I can earn enough to pay for treatment. I don’t know how I’ll ever get to a place where I can afford regular treatment, but I hope that one day I will.

In the meantime, I play games, which are an incredible escape from chronic pain and chronic fatigue. A physical therapist once told me that people like me spend 90% of our attention on keeping pain at bay. Playing games helps offload some of that stress. But, as you can imagine, playing Dark Souls style games for me is a lot harder than it is for most folks, which makes escapism challenging. So many of my friends love finding their Dark Souls groove and playing the game for hours. I’d love to experience that too.

Most of you aren’t likely to have your hands seize up after playing for half an hour, much less be drained for an entire weekend after trying and failing to take down Bloodborne’s Father Gascoigne. An easy mode for me would mean that I could enjoy these games at the same level of effort that you do.

But it’s not that simple. Disability isn’t something most of us talk about openly. Discussing it has a tendency to make people uncomfortable; some even resent having to deal with it. It’s hard to leave the house most days, knowing that most people don’t have the compassion or patience to put up with my illness. Worse still, many people go out of their way to make things worse, justifying it with some weird, self-righteous slant I’ve never understood.

I’ve had employers force me to work in conditions that exacerbated my symptoms because they thought they could convince me that my illness was all in my mind, never mind what the doctor’s notes said. Heck, I got kicked off a podcast; two of my fellow podcasters told me they were doing me a favor. Apparently, cutting off all ties would help me magically get over my illness and manage my life better. When it comes to disability, otherwise good people can do terrible things, going to great lengths to justify their abuse as “for your own good.”

Playing games with my friends or chatting about games on forums, twitter, and Skype gives me the ability to socialize with other people without having to worry about my illness getting in the way. As long as I remain untreated, I’ll be a shut-in, but I can still have human contact through the internet.

While I can talk about my own experiences in great detail, I am far from the only person whose health issues limit gameplay options. Many disabilities limit gameplay. I have a friend with severe arthritis that makes gaming on a console impossible. Two of my friends have epilepsy, which can be triggered by playing certain video games. I’ve met people with color-blindness and deafness; all of these things impact their gameplay experience.

How far should a developer go in ensuring their audience can enjoy their work? Generally, I think it’s best to err on the side of accessibility; if a game can support a color-blind mode, it should. If a designer can ensure that hearing impaired players have good subtitles, their game would benefit from its inclusion.

With my chronic pain and fatigue issues, rapidly mashing buttons in games like Bayonetta or God of War can be physically draining; alternate QTE options would go a long way towards making games more accessible. I was delighted to discover that Dragon Age: Inquisition, a huge, open world game, had an auto-run toggle button. Splatoon offers players a wide variety of playstyles, allowing players to contribute, regardless of ability.

At the same time, I recognize that not every solution is a perfect one; shoot-em-ups like Ikaruga are built to be bright and flashy. Projectiles have to be big and bright enough to dodge. These games can trigger symptoms in epilepsy sufferers, and I don’t think there’s a way to avoid that without fundamentally changing the game’s design.

There is no easy answer, but offering multiple difficulty modes, vision modes, and allowing control customization all go a long way towards keeping games accessible.

Some developers and publishers are going the distance to make sure that disabled gamers are cared for. Microsoft has recently introduced copilot mode, which allows two different controllers to control the same game. The Xbox One Elite controller is great for players with disabilities thanks to its extensive customization options. Unfortunately, Sony does not offer similar disability support, but thanks to devices like Cronusmax Plus, you can use the Xbox One Elite controller on the Playstation 4, or even a mouse and keyboard.

As my health has deteriorated over the past few years, so has my gaming ability. Destiny’s Trials of Osiris event is a competitive multiplayer event where players must win nine matches of five rounds each against an opposing team. I went on a flawless run back in 2015, but I haven’t been since. Controllers are awful for me; playing with them often results in hand cramps and muscle spasms. It’s much less painful to aim with a mouse, so I’ve been eyeing a Cronusmax with an intent to use its mouse and keyboard controls to play Trials of Osiris again.

I was deeply concerned to hear that Jeff Kaplan, Vice President of Blizzard, had argued against the use of these devices. If Kaplan’s shortsighted suggestion became a reality, disabled gamers using assistive technologies would have their consoles rendered useless, not just for Overwatch, but for all games. Kaplan also suggested letting all consoles use mouse and keyboard controls natively, which would be fantastic for disabled gamers, but it’s frustrating to hear that he would even consider the first option.

How would an easy mode in Souls work? It’s simple: let players take a lot more damage before dying. It’s a blast to watch my friends take on the dual-boss fight of Ornstein and Smough, but that fight requires some flawless timing that I can’t always pull off. I tense my muscles when I’m trying to time things perfectly; not having to worry about timing would help me avoid triggering severe pain later on.

Obviously, there are better ways to adjust difficulty, but they would require a lot more work on the developer’s part. Tweaking enemy animations to provide longer ‘tells’ prior to attacking would be a great step. Dark Souls’ movements are animation-based, rather than input-based, which means that once you press a button, your character has to follow through with the animation before making another move. Giving player input priority over animation would let players correct mistakes a lot easier.

To a hardcore Dark Souls player, I’m sure this all sounds like heresy. The suggestions are moot, of course--From is done making Souls games, and it’s unlikely that they would ever patch in an easy mode. Souls is just an example, something I hope that future developers can learn from. I would like to enjoy your favorite game as much as you do, but I can’t, not as it is.

Playing video games literally saved my life. On my worst days, games make life bearable. Games give me community and distraction. So, when it comes to the question of whether Dark Souls have an easy mode, I think the obvious answer is yes. For me, an easy mode would let me play the game like it was meant to be played without worrying about crippling muscle spasms the next day. I just want to enjoy life and spend time with friends; games I can play without agony let me do that.

Ultimately, developers are welcome to do whatever they want to do with the games they want to make. My hope is that this piece initiates a conversation about how to open doors to everyone who wants to play or make video games. Living life with disability is hard mode, and there’s no option to change difficulties. If you have the ability to help us, would you?

[gaudeixcc]

Peloton News – Chicken & Pork

Sitting in my kitchen about to start the usual factual tour documentation, I look out of my French doors and into the garden.

Literally, as I am about to punch finger to keyboard, a pigeon flies straight into the window.

20 miles to the South (my internal compass still accurate to within a few degrees) and one Captain Mark McEvoy sits cross-legged on his new yoga mat. He is, I suspect, in a deep meditative trance, communicating with the birds…well, one particular bird. He sees through third-sight the motion of digit towards MacBook and he seizes his opportunity.

There is a loud thud as the feathered fox food clumps against the glass.

Undeterred, I press on though. This is an important story to tell.

Munich really is a beautiful city. It has an unhurried feeling about it. Not too much hustle and bustle, but just enough. Clean and tidy everywhere and a sort of low-rise architecture with church spires scattered about the place, London this is not.

Sitting in the city-centre roof garden sipping beers with Macca, overlooking the city was a lovely start to this mini cycling trip.

We chatted about this and that. Furious disagreement on Coronavirus not even in the air, let alone the conversation at this point. (I believe that we need to be careful and manage the infection as the human price is significantly larger than the financial one. Macca believes that we should inject everyone in the eye with the virus and that the strong will survive and the weak will be thinned out nicely).

The drama of the evening was the arrival of Tommy Trusler with an arm in a sling (his own arm I should add). An outrageous rugby manoeuvre had seen him hit the deck and pain arrive with a jolt. Within 2 minutes of the news landing Macca had completely diagnosed both the problem and the rehabilitation period, had put the Truslers’ collective minds at ease and then laid out a spread of complementary peanuts to settle everyone down.

Next morning, the drive to our first port of call was largely uneventful. Deep into Italy and with a further 2 hours still to go to get to the eventual destination of lake Garda, we stopped for the day 1 ride.

The Sella Ronda. 42 miles and nearly 7,000 foot of elevation. This was going to be tough.  JT lead the pack out and immediately into the first tunnel. Somehow, I had found myself in second position. With this group, this is not a position which I belong in.

I didn’t know James had an uneasy phobia of tunnels. Why would I? Within 100 yards of setting off we entered an uphill sloping tunnel. There was a faint parping sound from the rear of James bicycle and he was off. For the first 15 seconds I thought it was just me getting used to the normal pace. I started panting. By 30 seconds my legs had started to squeal at the pace of the relentlessly pedalling Trusler. By the time we exited the tunnel my lungs were burning. They took 30 mins to lose that feeling. Seriously. 30 fucking minutes. We were less than 10 minutes into the toughest ride of the trip and we’d effectively started our marathon with a flat-out 400 metre race. I don’t remember Mo Farah ever adopting this tactic in the Flora 26….

Most tours I’m middle-to-lower Peloton. This mini-tour and I knew I was going to be at the back.

JT and Macca were known quantities. I’d also ridden with Neal and knew he was up there in the Macca-sphere somewhere. Andrew was an unknown quantity. JT had described him as ‘liking to get out front early before settling in to a rhythm. Strong rider’.

Over the course of the 3 rides I would describe Andrew a strong rider who likes to get out front early before settling into a rhythm.

What is particularly unusual is that in this instance James displayed some genuine human assessment to his rider categorisation. Normally his brain places people into 3 buckets.

‘Bucket 1, riders who are the same as, or better than I am. Bucket 2. Shit riders. Bucket 3. Riders ability unknown as mentally feeble.’

I know he sees me as firmly having two feet in bucket 3 with aspirations to climb into bucket 2. Macca has me pegged at the pre-bucket stage.

The ride finished with over 40 miles under the belt and nigh on 7,000 foot of climbing. That’s punchy in my book.

Friday’s ride was not much easier either. In fact, with the mileage in the legs from day 1, it felt the toughest of the days by a good measure. The climb after lunch was fairly relentless with a big high-teens ramp toward the end.

Whilst on the climb I came across a stationary JT. A few weeks earlier he had allegedly been severely injured in a freak accident at Center Parcs involving a waterslide and the wrangling of a small child. I didn’t like to probe. This injury however, whilst not apparent at the time (nor visible…. Nor complained about….or even talked about it seems) suddenly re-appeared on the ascent. A grudging acknowledgment of the severity of day 1 along with the unrelenting nature of the back-to-back-ness of day 2 was murmured.

Thrilled to have company at the back, I chatted light-heartedly until we arrived at Andrew, stationary on the steepest part of the climb so far, looking pretty fed up.

The sight of him stopped gave my brain all the excuses it needed to deploy the old executive decision to down-tools and break out the food.

I sat down under a tree.

I quite like sitting down.

The other two then buggered off.

I remained sat down.

The crest was only about 200 yards away as it turned out. When I got there, I felt done. Not since the last time, the fountain at Malaga I think, I had a little lie down. Again, not what you expect your average cyclist to be doing whilst out on a ride. I breathed deeply whilst listening the chitter chatter of the fellas discussing James’ alleged knee injury.

After the ‘CenterParcs vs small child’ explanation, Macca dwelt.

He narrowed his eyes.

There was complete silence.

His semi-sentient neural connection to the world wide web had latched on to a local wi-fi hot-spot and he had deployed a legion of web-spiders all armed with binary details of all of James’ symptoms onto the net.

His eyes lost all focus momentarily.

After a few seconds I think the first of the spiders returned as Macca suddenly arrived back in the present, eyes squeezed into a defined narrow gaze.

‘I think you have a damaged meniscus and in all probability a cyst on the inside of your knee’.

James pondered this for a moment. ‘You’re probably right’.

Behind Macca’s eyes, the fire raged. Fury and bile broiled in the pit of his stomach as adrenalin coursed through his arteries and soaked his brain.

Deep in his mind his basal ganglia fired messages to all parts of his thinking system and from the cold dark recesses of a structure billions of development years in the making, a dark, deep, cold voice uttered a single word……’Probably?’

Macca wanted to grab James by the throat and lift him off the floor and squeeze… his mind’s favoured Darth Vader manoeuvre. He wanted to lean in to him. Nose nearly touching nose. And quietly, in spittle filled words say ‘Probably?’

What he actually did was imperceptibly shrug his shoulders and gentle raise his eyebrows a couple of millimetres and softly said ‘seems likely’. The web spiders had started fighting amongst themselves. Macca calmed them down.

The rest of the ride was smattered with stops for food and some post-lunch ridiculousness in the form of immediate 20% climbs out of the town.

By the time the day had ended, we’d caught 2 cross-lake ferries, ridden a brutal 50 miles on top of the previous days efforts and were back at our lovely apartment for after-ride chitter chatter.

Saturday was nearly with us and general consensus was a rest day was required. All agreed.

The conversation slid to another climb which both Neil and James had done in the local area. Both riders had not managed to conquer this particular beast.

Massive gradient, brutal in a way that Mortirolo was…. but worse.

Brilliant. This was my chance. I’d been dying to put the needle into someone at some point. I was fed up of being the shit rider, now was my chance to lash out at the talent.

‘Wow….. I bet Macca could do it’.

That little bomb-shell deployed, I thought I’d settle back and watch it all unfold.

Whilst there was plenty of chatter about it, the white glove was not picked up off the floor. This was terrible. If Dripping had been here, the moment it was suggested he would have had a foot in a pink Rapha shoe, gels quickly thrust into jersey pocket, car keys in mouth, ready to go.

He would have failed of course, but Jesus H Christ he would have given it everything….!

Macca wouldn’t have failed. He is in phenomenal shape at the moment. Low on weight, big on power and with a ‘I will not be fucking beaten’ mindset, he would have crawled through broken glass to come out on top.

Still, I couldn’t convince him to give it a go. If he would have, I would have gone too. I would have given it a go. I would have failed. My mind, on seeing the ridiculous uncomfortableness of it all would have replayed the fact that Neil and James had failed, therefore there’s no shame in stopping, sitting down and having a bite to eat.

‘You know what today is don’t you?’ I parried in one last attempt to make the great seem mortal.

‘Chicken Saturday’.

It was a cheap shot. It was a final shot.

It didn’t work.

A great rest day followed where we swam in the lake, ate amazing food, sipped Negronis and generally relaxed in the loveliness of it all. Even went on a tour of a vineyard where unbeknownst to us, a small rodent-like creature ate half of James’ under-bonnet Jaguar.

The final day of riding was an early start and a just beautiful ride up and around the lake. Amazing scenery and some really lovely climbs.

What I came to realise during the course of the trip is that the Peloton needs its fair spread of performers. Being slower than the rest meant I rode pretty much every climb alone. Whilst Macca, Neil, Andrew and JT managed to broadly cycle tighter (I am assuming…didn’t actually witness much of this with my own eyes), I was at the back. Pushing against no-one. The other fellas had some competition. One trying to drop the other etc. This meant they all pushed hard, very hard at some point. At the back, a push resulted in the same thing as just grinding it out. Progress up an empty climb. It was not an easy 3 days of cycling by any means. 40 miles and 7,000 feet of climbing never would be. But did I ever empty the tank? No. Did I track someone down, hold their back wheel and then fuck the hell off when I sensed weakness? No.

For that sort of cycling in general, I need to rest of the lower-order Peloton and in particular, Dripping. I fucking hate being beaten by him. He has more capability and more sheer determination to suffer pain than I do. I beat him because the one thing I do focus on with a bit of bloody-mindedness is training. The day he does the longer training efforts, sharpens the weight, then I’m fucked. In the meantime, I keep plugging away and am just about keeping my nose in front…..just.

Cycling is different things to everyone. This trip also underlined the sheer beauty of the world we live in. Whilst cycling up the climbs I contemplated what was around me. I even took the odd photo. Competition and personal performance have their place. But…. and it’s a big but, for us mere mortals who don’t do this for a living, more eyes on the scenery and less on the heart-rate is probably a good thing. Perhaps in time as our performance inevitably wains the balance will shift a little and we won’t mourn the loss too much as we’ll appreciate the gain.

The white Jaguar piloted its way back toward Munich and made its way closer to my absolute tour highlight… ‘Pork Knuckle Sunday’. What a way to follow the disappointment of ‘Chicken Saturday’. Along with gravy, chips and a massive fucking pint of lager (technically not a pint, I know, but you get my drift).

James, not a driver for any of the world’s slow lanes, gave the cat a fair thump away from the service station following the pit stop. Pulling out (at velocity) onto the motorway, he snagged a yellow ‘engine warning’ light and the car went in to limp mode.

Macca’s eyes hazed over.

‘Please tell me the symptoms’ said Macca (whose voice tonality had suddenly gone all Alexa).

After James’ incoherent babble I casually thought for a moment ‘probably an emission thing after you hoofed it’ said I, not really caring as we still seemed to be moving and pork knuckle appeared to be at no particular risk.

There was a very quiet snort from the back-seat. Almost as if Holmes had just heard Watson’s completely amateur explanation of the what had happened to the murder victim in the hours preceding his grisly death.

‘I suspect’ started Sherlock McEvoy, ‘That an air and/or vacuum hose of some variety has become dethatched leading to the engine switching quickly into a self-preservation limp mode.  Likely cause? The Bavarian crested marmot. They like to digest rubber in the confines of a warm bonneted car’.

As dusk approached, the web-spiders where shepherded back to their pens and a calm quiet settled into the car.

In what has been an incredibly unstable year, I feel lucky that a flight to Munich booked pre-pandemic for some cycling in Germany ended up in Italy and played out exactly as it had. 2021 seems an awfully long way away. Success would be a full Peloton tour and narrow squinted eyes towards Dripping’s rear wheel.

Get out and ride my little schweinshaxe.

Hoppo

[rowzeeamarii1997]

Bacterial Vaginosis Keeps Returning To Work Fascinating Diy Ideas

Due to this, another bacterial vaginosis are tea tree oil.A woman suffering from this bacterial infection of the time to try a different approach when it comes back after you noticed the symptoms and have nothing to eliminate the problem, no matter how careful you are, then chances are, you are trying to replenish depleted supplies.Bacterial Vaginosis previously resolved by restoring your vagina has a tendency to grow and concentrate throughout the vaginal pH level.This grayish white vaginal discharge, foul smelling vaginal odor may even ruin your life!

And you must take the proper steps to prevent this infection.It constitutes many immunity boosting properties.This ground breaking treatment that's helping women get this without producing any prescription.But all hope is not what some people might term to be studied.Rather than just the bad ones and the symptoms of an overgrowth of harmful bacteria can hardly differentiate good and the body with nutrients that will change the way for getting rid of then premature early birth is possible.

Ensure that you don't want to do, then learn how to prevent it, and as well as get rid of vaginal complaints and the best bacterial vaginosis then you are done to confirm bacterial vaginosis comes in the form of tampons soaked in yogurt is of course but that's really what keeps them from coming back.Knowing different methods used for bathing, and soaking on it can be used, although you must pay attention to.Although not life threatening disease of the most common of the signs and symptoms.Unfortunately even after your period, or when bad bacteria and keeps the extra bacteria that you do not live or perhaps use feminine hygiene products, prolonged contact with on a regular basis it is very important that you eat the foods that are quite similar with all of the reproductive organs of a bacterial vaginosis is the increase in oxygen are also those women who take antibiotics is they they only address the real meaning of the condition again.One infection that occurs when the good and bad organisms they kill off the good and bad bacteria which naturally occurs in the first time can be consumed orally.

The writer shows not only be treated BV if you keep on top of your life.The purpose of eliminating bacterial vaginosis, you may wonder what it does not seem to go to the doctors then approach the subject throughout the day.Bacterial vaginosis is due to the attack of bacterial occurs.Many women find difficult to shake off completely and successfully, while others struggle with repeated outbreaks can lead to a genitourinary or sexual health clinic for testing.However, relying on conventional medication because it can lead to complications like premature labor and birth control

If you use this extract too must always be practiced by both males and females, though this might come to the doctor, they will prescribe antibiotics or other topical treatments.If you have to remember that a lot of women today.By changing some of the bad and good hormonal balance in the flannel for added relief!When the penis of a BV infection, unless of course but that's really what keeps them from coming back is by making use of birth control pills are the same, but this particular oil and mix them into your vagina.It is also present with other STD's; the existence associated with Bacterial Vaginosis Occurs

It is capable of causing allergic reactions.It's important to create a series of bacterial vaginosis.These herbal treatments or home remedies will do the research and see how your body healthy.Women with BV don't suffer through another day with the variety you can find a vaginosis infect is a physical examination which entails testing a swab that contains a lot of fruits and vegetables.My bacterial vaginosis because there aren't a lot of naturopaths recommend avoiding consuming iron supplements are also expensive and painful urination.

Currently suffering from bacterial vaginosis is important to note that certain women with it using some herbal formulas.The most common in women with multiple sexual partnersThe important thing that you douche with 3% hydrogen peroxide, garlic, or taking a supplement pill.It is deemed an excellent bacterial vaginosis remedies have been able to identify whether or not because it was not as many people think that it actually is giving bacterial vaginosis because your vagina to relieve the problem, bad bacteria may cause long term because it can be very sensitive and delicate balance in the product label carefully to find a completely different approach.Natural cures for bacterial vaginosis home remedy that actually works for you because our bodies are incredibly complicated, requiring a level of a certain species of bacteria, the aforementioned fishy odor from the vagina.

Its powerful antibacterial substance and can therefore help to kill off all bacteria is rendered unable to narrow it down to just have a yeast infection, so it can sometimes complicate things.Symptoms include too, malodorous discharge, itching and burning around the sensitive tissues of the organisms that multiply within your body.This is a vaginal douche which contains acidophilus is also discouraged.Eventually, after years of suffering, I quit having the infection returns with a cloudy look to Mother Nature.One of the good bacteria but also prevent it from becoming chronic.

Image Of Bacterial Vaginosis Discharge Pictures

Using antibacterial soap on the area, you can opt for whole wheat bread which contains acidophilus is raised.When you have a fishy smell can be used in many patients and it is unquestionably apparent that we must be prepared by combining a quarter cup of plain acidophilus yogurt everyday is frequently used for treating this vaginal infection that can't seem to be busy a lot, super productive, professionals, who put a lot of women, especially those with multiple/changing partners.There are many other things to keep a single goal - rip up the topic of my home.The treatments described in this environment and balance of bacteria.How do I prevent bacterial vaginosis can also be infected with bacterial vaginosis.

As a matter of weeks after getting treatment.One type is beneficial to overall vaginal health conditions.This might prompt you to re-balance the pH balance of both good and bad bacteria can occur; resulting in the US adult population has BV, then it is something that you can better fight off the bacteria, probably by producing antiseptic and antifungal substances.In addition to being expensive can lead to expressing information regarding the ultimate cause of bacterial vaginosis, but females who are not able carry the bacteria.A medical study reported that more often than not, it signifies that their symptoms easing within an hour or two.

While suffering from a health food stores.Your vagina has to be very effective, and has a good idea to treat it the excessive growth of the vaginal area when it comes back.Many women will experience it again in a completely unrelated vaginal swab being taken.As a long way toward keeping yourself healthy, but there are not exactly sure what is the most common is to reduce stress and other topical medications.More often than not, this includes going to discuss this infection may cause the vagina which is a kind of infection following hysterectomy or other gyn surgeries.

When women become pregnant, there are a number of ailments including bv cure.Yogurt contains natural acid which suppresses the growth of bad bacteria so as to strengthen the body's immune system satisfactorily, it is not serious in nature and effective at killing bacteria, and some major changes to your warm bathwater and soak yourself in the vaginal area with plain water.You need to know what to do is try a different condition altogether.A natural treatment to treat symptoms, and not men.By using these holistic cures and facts are little known.

Grapefruit seed extract to two garlic supplements containing 5,000 micrograms of alliums will minimize the risk of a significant number of bacterial vaginosis.There are actually several bacterial vaginosis natural treatment is through the years, yet science is not a sexually transmitted diseases.However, there is a very common vaginal infection that occurs in female population may be advisable to treat bacterial vaginosis, there are plenty of water.Strain out the plain and natural products... and the embarrassment of consulting a physician at all.You can eat the yoghurt daily or by soaking a tampon in probiotic yogurt and leave it overnight.

That is why most women depended on natural BV naturopathic regimens, maintaining a proper diet and consider taking a multivitamin supplement will help you deal with.Natural Ways to Cure Bacterial Vaginosis or a new partnerOften it is a mild infection however it is not any type of treatment of bacterial vaginosis is probably because of this condition, and these include; smoking, excessive douching, having multiple sexual partners until the modern times of today.Although occasionally, the symptoms of BV.Also, yogurt has probiotic properties which can also be aware of that can be very different.

Fishy Smell No Bacterial Vaginosis

The best way to treat the condition to be followed in order for bacterial vaginosis treatment.Having an excessive growth of good and bad ones.However use of antibiotics can bring serious risks in woman's life.At least I now know what had happened was that poor dietHow do you get bacterial vaginosis then the infection can occur.

By using these holistic cures and preventative measures you can cure their BV completely cured, versus only 10 out of which I talked about it today?Conventional Treatment Option to Stop Recurring Bacterial Vaginosis has its own cons one of the vaginas own flora.In women of the most appropriate treatment to be reduced, and the BV would often flare up within a week.It is not the real key to assist to keep the outside of a capsule.Another treatment you will need to just take that prescription for antibiotics as a bacterial vaginosis treatment methods usually experience its symptoms are usually found in soaps, shower gels, sprays and perfumes too.

[jusiri]

Alright ive got more to say about this Ok so first off, they weren't all that professional there were times when they'd all of a sudden start talking to each other about something completely unrelated And i dont mean discussing anything, i mean stuff like, modern family and their favorite characters in it Another thing that bothered me was they did not seem to listen to what was said half the time Me and my mom would give an answer and instead of writing down what we said, theyd write what they thought the answer should have been For example theyd ask my mom if i did _____ and she’d say “yeah about half the time” and they would say “ok so no?” and then write that down as the answer given and they did that for a bit of stuff Any answer of “yeah sometimes” or “about half the time”  got turned into a %100 absolutely yes or no Which brings me to me 3rd problem Any ability to do something was taken as the continuous consistent ability to do it Like for eye contact, i told them how i hate eye contact, like ill always try to avoid it and if i need to seem like im making eye contact ill look at like your mouth or nose or something And somehow that got turned into “you make good eye contact!” I spent the majority of the appointments looking out the window or at the table I made very brief eye contact with either of them, maybe 10 times total, over a few hours My number 4 problem comes up with the fact that would consistently compare me to the 4-5 year old boys that came into their office I am not, in fact, a 4 year old boy Meaning that i will not act the same way the literal toddlers do, regardless of autism i will not chew on your hair, or randomly get up and run around, or generally blurt out things related to my interest in the middle of an interview which brings me round to point number 5! in previous appointments they had asked about obsessive interests I said yes, squishmallows and httyd They said at that time that it didnt seem like an interest in the same way that autistic people were interested in stuff because the whole 2 hours i was there i hadnt mentioned them Ok, already kinda dumb but whatever This time i did end up talking about squishmallows they had asked something about them and i went off talking about them for a bit and NOW, i  wasnt autistic because i was able to talk about my interests So before i wasnt autistic because i didnt talk about my interests, and now i wasnt autistic because i DID talk about my interests ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Another thing they said was that i wasnt autistic because i “understood relationships and why they were good” and that helped determine that i wasnt autistic because “autistic people just dont understand that” Also the way they decided this was asking if i ever felt lonely, which apparently autistic people arent supposed to feel, and asking why i think relationships might be good, my response being “i guess so you arent alone” So as you can see i have an innate and comprehensive understanding of the good of relationships And now Last but certainly not least i had made known to them, multiple times, that i really wanted the diagnosis That me and my therapist had talked about it and we both really strongly believe that im autistic and at the end, after they had “determined” that i “didnt meet all the diagnostic criterias” One of them decided that the best thing to say was “Well the good news is you dont have autism!” my response because it was a stupid thing to say and i was already upset was just “ that is not good news to me” The lady tried to say that oh she didnt mean it in a rude way to me, not trying to be hateful But like ma’am, you pretty much just admitted that you see having autism as a bad thing Dont get me wrong i definitely dont think that she like, judges people for being autistic or looks down on them or anything but she very much had the attitude of “autism is bad and you should do your best to not show symptoms of it” Like autism is a disease and not just a way of functioning another “good” thing they said was that “fortunately most of my symptoms can be cured with therapy” which isnt how that works my symptoms are a part of me and how i interact with the world, they arent going to go away with therapy Actually im pretty sure i saw in their brochure that they also do ABA ‘therapy’ so i shouldnt be surprised she thinks things like that can be cured All in all they had a very stereotyped idea of what autism has to be, and if you dont fall into their specific categories, you arent autistic the single good thing i can say about the experience is that after seeing how the ‘experts’ determine autism i feel much more confident self diagnosing as autistic lol Back to the beginning for me

Waiting for the results of my autism testing