#Never going to harm one again
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more Tron thoughts
Training new security programs before and after
So, Early Tron, He's just happy. It's safe, and he's fulfilling his purpose, protecting The Grid. The new moniters rezz in, sure they have all the knowledge, the moves, but they don't know anything yet, they don't know HOW to fight. So they train, and the first thing he does, is let them all try to beat him. They all lose of course.
He laughs, and teaches them how to fight. They run through senario after senario, and sometimes he shows off a little. A flip there, a jump here, but the new moniters? They eat it up, they want to do the same, protect, fight, and show off. He's happy to be their model.
Later Tron is more cautious. He's not the only one in charge of security anymore, and he can't tell which ones will get "transferred" to Clu. He teaches the necessities, and the few who stand out get brought into his squads quickly and viciously. He can't keep them all safe, but he tried his best.
Uprising Tron only trains Beck. All his past monitors are derezzed or rectified. He hates how weak he feels, he can't even train Beck one on one, relying on simulation after simulation. He's proud, and Beck learns so quickly, but if Tron could just train him like he used to, it would go faster. Beck wouldn't just survive each encounter, he could win. But Tron is crumbling to his scars, and Beck can't devote all his time to being the Renegade. They make do with half measures and patches.
Rinzler doesn't train anyone, not really. Some other program teaches the rectified to fight, and Clu sends them to him. He doesn't really fight, shows off for Clu, but always, about half are derezzed. The survivors move on, are sent out, the rest are swept off the platform. He doesn't care, not really. Just another fight, another game to play. He always tries to stay and watch the voxels fall into the pits as the janitors clean. Sometimes Clu doesn't let him.
For fun, Clu will make him fight old squad members. Rinzler doesn't know who they are, neither do they. But he figures it out quickly, they move too similarly to him. Clu stops the fight before they get derezzed, usually.
Tronzler hates training. He knows too much, is too fast and too deadly. Easy for him is death to another. He only fights the best, they barely survive. If he could never train them, he would, but The Grid needs it's protection, and he will fulfill his purpose.
#Tron hc#I needed to be sad about him again#I think after everything#He becomes the 'run yourself into the ground' type of person#Eventually someone figures out how much Tronzler hates training and stops it#but it takes a while (and a dozen traumatized programs)#Does he train Sam? Not at all#I think he refuses to even use his disc near the users if possible#Never going to harm one again#On purpose or accident
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"Minthara is so abusive to the player" *INCORRECT BUZZER NOISE*
Minthara would literally go to fucking hell for the opportunity to personally beat the absolute shit out of the person who actually did abuse you. She will throw hands with gods and devils just to avenge you.
And you will not be able to convince her not to.
#bg3#baldur's gate#minthara#minthara baenre#evil murder kitten#when i'm having a bad day - i just remind myself that minthara would definitely have some things to say about my parents#i would literally have to hold her back from knocking their lights out#well... id hold her back from one of them. she can have free reign of the other#all you gotta do is whisper a name - and babygurl is gonna go fix it#within 48 - 72 hours - your abuser will go missing under mysterious circumstances#and you do not even need to tell her to do this#she will do everything she can to ensure you can sleep at night knowing your abuser is gone#and can never touch you again#and if you still have doubts - just remember that she made an oath (a divine vow) *to you*#in which she will never harm you nor allow harm to come to you#and to quite literally seek vengeance against all those who have harmed you#ya'll can miss me with your minthara hatecanons and your poorly misunderstood readings of her and the comments taken outta context
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[ cw: death mention / strangulation mention / stabbing mention / blood mention / self-sacrifice / codependency mention in tags / ]
I think a lot about how common it is for Raph to be the one to have direct focus put on him when Leo gets into all his near death experiences.
Like, when Leo is thrown off a building, it’s Raph who’s right there jumping after him, not even thinking about the consequences to himself when he does. When Leo almost gets skewered by the Krang, Raph’s right there to take the blow and send Leo to safety without a second thought. When Leo’s being strangled to near death, it’s a Krangified Raph doing the job, doing exactly what Raph would never, ever want to do. When Leo is telling Casey Jr to close the portal, it’s Raph who tries desperately to convince Leo otherwise.
Likewise, Leo is consistently very single minded when Raph gets forcibly separated from them. Both when in the sewers and by the Krang, Leo is dead set on finding Raph first and foremost.
I also think it’s interesting that during each of Leo’s near death experiences, the lightheartedness of his words during them goes directly hand in hand with both how close Raph is to him physically and how much danger Raph is also in in that moment. From a literal “I told you so” as Leo’s falling away from Raph to a soft joke about how “hero moves” are Raph’s style - both of these are on the more morbidly carefree side and both of these notably take Leo farther away from Raph and, in turn, have Raph not in immediate danger.
On the other side of things is the apology from Leo, heedless of the danger he himself is in as he seriously and genuinely speaks to a Krangified Raph face to face. Then there’s Leo’s freezing and desperation as Raph takes a hit meant for him and sends just Leo to safety, leaving Raph himself behind. Both of these involve much closer proximity and Raph being directly harmed - these together make Leo much more vulnerable in his words and actions, something not even the threat of death can make him.
These two care about each other so much, and they’re way too much alike for their own good.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt raph#rise raph#rottmnt leo#rise leo#honorable mention to the time Leo desperately tried throwing himself into harm’s way to get to Karai#and Raph is the one who has to pull him back#I also think that it’s interesting how both of them go about self sacrifice#because wow they both have problems with it#Raph’s tends to be immediate reactions not even thinking as he throws himself over his bros#Leo’s are often shown to be ‘for the greater good’ (said greater good often being his family)#once again I am saying that post movie these two would likely have codependency issues#considering Raph’s already present acute seperation anxiety and Leo’s immediate memory of Raph standing over him bleeding#another thing to mention is how Future Leo’s actual death still falls into the whole ‘morbidly lighthearted words’ category#I also wanna point out that in Many Unhappy Returns the trust that Leo wants so much does NOT come from Splinter but from RAPH#side note but in regard to the fighting that Raph and Leo were up to during the time between the shredder and the krang#I think it’s interesting that it’s NOT depicted as screaming matches - very blatantly not this actually#also also! I totally love how the movie parallels Oroku Saki and Karai with Raph and Leo respectively#there are so many parallels in general in this show+movie it makes me froth at the mouth#and because it breaks my heart - the beginning of the movie had Raph getting angry at Leo and lashing out at him#the end of the movie has the Krang very very angry at Leo and lashing out at him#both of these times has Leo ‘ruining’ a mission so…bad parallels#in the movie as well there’s a Krangified Raph who beats Leo senseless#so I have to wonder if Raph and Leo just…can’t roughhouse anymore#else Leo would flinch or Raph would be so scared to accidentally hurt Leo like he was already used to do before#then suddenly their usual dynamic of Raph never having to be softer with Leo is thrown on its head#worse is if they’re so terrified of this dynamic leaving that they power through their own sufferings to maintain it
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This is the only thing I'm going to say about the election until it's over:
Anyone who did not vote for Harris or who attempted to dissuade people from voting for Harris, you are indirectly responsible for whatever shit Donald Trump does if he gets elected. That blood is primarily on his hands, yes. But it is also on yours. I hope you can live with that because I sure as hell wouldn't be able to.
#'but gaza' trump wants TO OBLITERATE THEM. HE LITERALLY WANTS THERE TO BE NOTHING LEFT OF GAZA AT ALL. WHY DO YOU THINK#I DON'T WANT HIM IN POWER?????#yeah I said I wouldn't election post I lied sorry.#I know most of you don't actually care what happens to american citizens because we're all Violent Hypocrites who should kill ourselves#and somehow every single civilian is responsible for the actions of a military and government that comparatively few of us are actually par#of but FUCKING HELL. You don't care about THE PEOPLE OF GAZA??? Because that's what you're telling me if you're in favor of#doing anything OTHER than the most likely path to get trump out of politics. which is voting for the candidate DIRECTLY OPPOSING HIM.#the thing about america being an empire that needs to die. is that before it dies. it is still affecting the rest of the world.#I can't make you care about me and my loved ones. but I am IMPLORING you to have some fucking compassion for all the people#who are going to be DEEPLY negatively affected elsewhere if trump gets into power.#THEIR HARM. THEIR DEATHS. ARE ON /YOU/ IF YOU DID ANYTHING TO FACILITATE TRUMP'S VICTORY IF THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS.#I don't believe most of you actually have any amount of the sympathy and compassion for others you claim to have.#I don't think any of the causes you throw yourself behind are actually meaningful to you. I don't think any of this is based on a#genuine desire to build a better world. I think you just want your Internet friends to think you are a Good Person.#if I see anyone. ANYONE. acting like a trump presidency is what we 'deserve'. or that it's necessary to 'teach [xyz] a lesson'#I am NEVER speaking to you again I don't care how long I've known you.#us politics#I am a disabled queer woman. almost everybody I love is also disabled and queer. you think we're acceptable collateral damage fine.#but don't cry that I'm being a bitch if I say that that makes me not trust you and not want to have anything to do with you.
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Kalina is the most interesting character to me because of all she has going on…
she is Cassandra’s familiar, she is simultaneously a pet and a friend and a servant and a family to a goddexx that is simultaneously her owner and friend and creator and parent and her god and reason to be—Kalina’s relationship to Cassandra is hard to put a name or label on (since what does being a familiar even mean?) but the bottomline is that this cat loves her deity enough to put everything and everyone on the line for her…
And adding in that she is a child of divorce. So to speak. I am extremely normal and haven’t been driven mad by the detail that baby itty bitty kitty Kalina was at Cassandra’s wedding to Ankarna and is remembered to have been toddling after her as she walked down the aisle…
Kalina will be the death of me /lh
#fhjy spoilers#fantasy high junior year#kalina#oh my god and the fact Kalina was there at that wedding—there at the period of time where Ankarna was alive and still a known god and not#presumed dead… this makes the Sylvairean Heresy even WORSE of a life event for Kalina and Cassandra…#the existence of baby kalina implies that Cassandra *raised* Kalina… and the fact they were married means that Kalina wouldn’t have been#raised by only Cassandra but *also* Ankarna.#you are Kalina and one of your parents just was killed by your uncle—their domains were too alike—and you can never talk about them again.#you can never speak their name—share in their memory—the only place they exist is quietly in your memories that must go unspoken due to#Oblivata Mori. And there’s nothing you can do about it…#And then the followers and clerics of your remaining parent start trying to kill her—being mislead by the followers of your goddexx’ sister#Cassandra is the only family Kalina has left—and Kalina’s sentience leds me to think she agreed to become a Curse#kalina let herself be unmade and changed to keep Cassandra alive… and even as the shell of herself—a familiar once but now a living plague—#is so deeply loyal and only interested in what is to the benefit of her *everything*… even if they are currently a Walking Corpse.#Kalina dislike Kristen so much because Kristen is just not being a good cleric and is in the precarious spot of being Cassandra’s only#follower… but ultimately won’t harm or attack Kristen—killing herself first—because Kristen is the only one keeping Cassandra uncorrupted.#yeah im crazy about the relationship and history between a cat familiar and her witch goddess and the layers of their relationship
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btw i think armand probably thought he could save louis some other way and lestat just beat him to it. like theres absolutely no reason to believe armand wanted louis dead/would choose the coven over him. ultimately it doesnt really matter tho bc he wanted claudia dead and he got that, he wanted to leave the coven with louis and he got that too
#once again this show asking the big question 'does anything ever matter'#i could make a longer post abt this but im sleepy so im not gonna do it. however!!#i love how this show tells you over and over 'intentions almost never matter bc you can plan and orchestrate how much you want but#you can never really predict with absolute certainty whats going to happen when strong emotions are involved'#you can be lestat and have the intention of saving both claudia and louis (according to jacob) but what does that intention matter if you#can only save one or neither?#armands intention of never harming louis is hollow if he only means physically and hurts louis repeatedly in other ways#louis' intention of making lestat suffer? awesome! but now everyone is miserable for the wrong reasons#and this is just the last two episodes i could go on#i could go as far back as ep1 of s1#i love this show so fucking much#iwtv#interview with the vampire#vc
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The way people are becoming anti-children nowadays is really sad. And I'm not talking about people not wanting to have kids of their own, that's fine and something that shouldn't be shamed nor up to someone else to debate. No, I'm talking about the people who adamantly hate these little humans for simply existing, wanting to ban them from spaces due to them having emotional reactions that they are still learning to understand (you know, the kind of lessons that everyone had to learn and figure out at one point). It's gotten to the point where I've even seen these types of people genuinely support children being harmed and deny their hurt under the consensus of "Well then maybe they shouldn't be there," in your average public space. Like, imagine thinking hating on children, people who need assistance and guidance, is something to be proud of.
#like ill never forget this lady talking about how she took her son to some ice cream or cookie place#and let him look at the display (which is normal) only to have to pull him away bc a man got way to close#and when she talked about how weird it was (which makes sense bc it was) people were blaming her for letting her child run free (which wasn'#t what happened people just threw that in there to justify their hate & dismissing of the potential harm a child could've experienced)#“i vote that dogs should be on plans more than children bc they aren't as annoying!” is gross and brain dead bc only one of those two can#use the bathroom while the other uses it on a mat something in which has potential to stink up a plane & annoy people as well#you just want to bring your dog on board without all the hoops so you act like hating children will solve it#and coming from an animal lover dogs and other pets have the ability to annoy you on flights just as much as children can let's think now#also ive seen people say that children are wrong for experiencing emotional outbursts and im like “while it can be frustrating having to#deal with acting like you weren't in their shoes once and trying to shame them for these emotions is such a jerk thing to do“#also like its guaranteed that kids are going to cry on planes how about instead of shaming them & their parents maybe idk buy soundproof hea#-dphones? like parents are going to bring their kids traveling (as is their right) and are educating them the best they can that's not going#to change so why not take simple steps to prepare instead of hating on little humans? just saying#again this is not for people who just don't want to have kids! people who don't are just as valid as people who do#don't let anyone tell you otherwise#miscellaneous#idk necessarily how to tag this tbh#rants#tw for mentions of children being harmed
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guys I fucked up..
thought it would be cool for me n my friend to "mark eachother" w my deodorant in the park near school (I had it in my pe kit) and uhhh
mb y'all (im so cooked 💀)
#karmaajr rambles#deodorant#deodorant burn#i have another one on my right arm#it isn't that bad though#do y'all think this is bad#pls be honest#anyways don't question the arm hair 🥰🥰#IT'S IN MY GENES#anyways yeah#impulsive#damn my stupidity#i always regret this things after#y'all istg if I have to go to the hospital...#no im actually cooked tho#if that happens#expect never to hear from me again#mediblr#medical health#medical help#tumblr help#PLSSS#I REALLY NEED THIS NOT TO BE A BIG DEAL#I GOT THE IDEA FROM MY OTHER FRIEND#SHE DID IT A FEW WEEKS AGO OUT OF CURIOUSITY (and let go 6-7 seconds later) AND AFTER TOLD ME NOT TO WHEN I PONDERED ALOUD (accidnerally#) AND YE I FUCKED UP#send help#tw self harm#lowkey did it for the adrenaline yall mbbbb 😔😔😔 (it genuinley felt like how it used to feel when i cut myself and that lowkey excited me)#tw stupid bitch
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Some Masked crumbs for yall.
#lethal company#lethal company masked#masked#kisudraws#I can't get these guys out of my brain#them just holding onto each other so tightly#comforting those that are distressed and protecting those that are hurt or scared#making sure nobody hurts them ever again#holding the hands that reach and biting the ones that beat#ripping them apart so they will never move again#never cause harm#and never feel the warmth of another being#even if in the end it will cost them their body#the teeth will keep biting and the hands will keep holding#in a continuously shifting shape#forever more#sorry i'm going insane in the tags I just love them so much ueueueee#skittering away
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me with several other large writing projects going already: i need to get a phD in reigen and serizawa NOW so that i can write serizawa learning reigen isnt psychic (the reigen spinoff manga confirms he still doesnt know) and how that would cause them to reflect on their relationship to each other RIGHT NOW
#adddna#mp100#no one is talking about how serizawa is being lied to again except reigen sees him as a person and goes out of his way not to harm people--#--and never asks serizawa to be completely dependant on him and respects his aspirations to go to school etc.#no one in the whole world is thinking about how serizawas experiences put him in a position to#recognize specifically what makes reigen a solid dude and convey that to him as a peer.#not one person is talking about how. much that might could mean to reigen. maybe. okay.
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^^ screenshot. blends in on mobile/dark mode ^^
that wasn't why she was mad though, well it was and wasn't. it wasn't that she had sex necessarily, but more the weight and nuance of it all, of Rhaenyra being the princess, who Alicent had been trying her best to serve the best interest of and protect in terms of betrothals and Viserys, having sex in a very public place. she was clearly upset and holding back tears when she confronts Rhaenyra that first time, but she isn't especially angry. she's angry when Rhaenyra lied to her face on her dead mother's name, going so far as to act upset and offended Alicent could ever insinuate anything about her, played the victim, had sex with two separate people in one night and said she was still a maiden (from Alicent's perspective she couldn't have known Rhaenyra only tried to have sex with Daemon and was unsuccessful, she could only believe that she had sex with both Daemon and Criston), and then used her power to have her father (the only person Alicent had) banished from kings landing, all the while she had put her ass on the line for her in front of Viserys, who never believed Rhaenyra to begin with. it wasn't simply the fact that Rhaenyra had sex, she's mad because Rhaenyra used her, hurt her, did harm to her name and the work both she and Viserys had put towards giving her a choice no royal girl, especially a princess, could ever imagine, and she spit in their faces.
there's also the fact that Cole admitted IMMEDIATELY what had transpired, asked not for forgiveness but for death, and admitted that it was dubcon. it's a very different situation. she also sympathized with the fact he felt great remorse for both the act of sleeping with the princess but also his breakdown that lead to the murder of Joffery. all we see is her stopping him and then a near decade has passed and they are close friends, we know nothing of how this friendship evolved, when she fully forgave him for his acts, what it took for him to earn her trust and forgiveness.
not saying either of them are saintly and perfectly correct in that situation, but you boil it down to the point that the situation is unrecognizable. you ignored all of the nuance on both sides. Alicent was never mad about the sex, upset yes, mad no, she was mad at how Rhaenyra could hurt her so horribly (amongst many other things. I don't think she, someone who shared her grief with Rhaenyra over their dead mother's, could ever get over how Rhaenyra lied on her name. me personally? I'd be sick to my stomach every time I looked at her for the rest of my days). Cole was coerced into sex, which he was honest and seeked death for repentance, had a breakdown and murdered someone (I won't defend this, you can't, he did murder an innocent person, that is a fact) but felt so guilty he tried to kill himself and seemingly spent the last 10ish years making up for it (where as I can name multiple people Rhaenyra outright in level head and mind maimed/murdered/otherwise allowed or dismissed the deaths/injury of, for her own goals and didn't give a second thought to so.... girly walks atop barely cooled corpse's time and time again).
#again#Alicent and Cole are not angels#as much as I love them I could never say that#I will say their situation is very different from Rhaenyra's#especially in how they handled it going forward#one side felt great remorse the other... not so much#one side had many justifications for their anger (even if it doesnt excuse all of their behavior) the other dug most of her own grave and#then did harm to others around her to cover it up (some blame can go to Daemon and Viserys. I can and will say that)#stop boiling down the situation to make Rhaenyra a saint and alicent the devil its tiring#alicent hightower#criston cole#rhaenyra targaryen#pro team green#anti team black#anti rhaenyra targaryen#anti team black fans#not gonna comment on the choice words they used for alicent. I don't think I can be that kind nor patient today#pro alicent hightower#my girl wasnt wrong for being angry#I would have been fucking feral#hotd#house of the dragon
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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is this an unpopular opinion. i dont really like the way the manga is interpretating aubrey
#omori#omori manga#omori aubrey#talkin#it paints her sm more vengeful? angry? and more like an outright bully#bc the specific thing abt aubrey is that she wants desperately to move on. shes got new friends new hair new look etc#but shes a contrwriction bc she still very clearly clings on to her past despite how she tries to sever herself from it#contradiction**#but the manga feels so much more like shes going out of her way to harm basil and sunny#even tho kim was the one who pushed basil first in the initial confrontation? bc she thinks basil is a creep?#(fair mindset btw bc she only knows basil as an exfriend who continuously in her mind bothers her best friend)#like idk in the manga she says she wont forgive sunny and basil and tries to attack them#but in the game she insists they leave her alone and states again and again that kel doesnt know whats going on#bc obviously to her- him and the others never cared abt her and left her#and kel is the one who keeps pushiny and pushing until the church fight#see the manga interpretation also takes off sm blame from kel???#honestly idek. it js feels like the omori fandom interpretation affected manga aubrey. misogyny strikes again
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on one hand, I genuinely can see why parts of (specifically eng-speaking) mdzs fandom that focus on jgy interpret the "杀父杀兄杀妻杀子杀师杀友" line very literally and speculate on what he means by each one,,,
on the other hand, it's largely through the English translation of the line from what I've seen*, so I...wish that caveat was discussed more tbh,, (also speaking in general too)
#lulas's randomness#mdzs#jin guangyao#meng yao#decided I'm just going to put that out here bc it's cropping up in my mind again#tbh when I read the entire paragraph it was part of in Chinese this part felt very...not literal?#idk if 'figurative' or 'metaphorical' works but to me it was a 'yes I've supposedly (as you say) done every bad thing but you alone I#would never harm' type line when I read it in Chinese#ofc my caveat here is even in my case it's just one interpretation from someone who's still reconnecting with my culture and sorta#relearning Chinese where I can#and other people will have different interpretations even if they do speak and read Chinese too!!#but I do kinda want to put that out there#is also a jgy fan btw I just haven't spoken up until now
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what if we held on to whatever we get the idea of as Normal as unquestionable & think all you can do to this normal is apply some veneers overtop it to be more polite & also resent that. maybe we could project that everyone who seems to be Annoyingly Disruptively doing more than this must be putting on a performance to look good &/or humor others b/c that's all we ever believe we're doing, & again, we resent even that much....maybe we could use our show of More Polite language to make the same points blaming everyone who our Normal mistreats for their own mistreatment
#perhaps we could lecture autistic people on their; ah; Lacking Social Skills or Intelligence. it's just matter of fact#completely neutral what Annoys those who do well enough when thrown into any group settings; completely neutral how they React#like yeah can't possibly take issue w/anything Acceptable to Encouraged in the realm of even ''successful'' ''normal'' social interactions#infinite ''smh this is why nobody takes ableism seriously'' like oh you mean b/c of the ableism? is why you don't take it seriously?#infinite ways of phrasing that everyone alleged so Annoying With It is just like you but someone actively Putting On An Act too much#all it can possibly be. just as someone's Anti Ableism would be knowingly ''humoring'' / ''tolerating'' an autistic person e.g.#ah you see to this Person Who Identifies As Nonbinary's face i will try to mostly use Their Preferred Pronouns. that's that done#but it's sooo annoying. what's next; multiple &/or changing pronouns? god even worse. so Inflicted Upon my correct norm#if i'm not feeling actively malicious & devious in how i treat someone i am surely as righteous as it gets#having to improve on perfection by occasionally feeling Put Upon to perform politeness around some individuals? ughhh#that's why it's actually illegitimate. shouldn't have to be Put Upon like that. (finding the norm Questionable? out of the question Lol)#shocked ppl report that casual usage of the r word is having a revival. by shocked i mean [already clear ppl didn't care abt that]#& again just the current ''polite'' rephrasing of ableism like oh um :) disabled ppl are just a Specific kind of unintelligent & unskilled#& unprofessional & incompetent & a harmful scourge :) & maybe if they learned to be otherwise they wouldn't be punished :)#just formalized ABA vs the less formalized ABA huh. & the [the Real ableism] it ostensibly is to be saying all this i'm sure#something something not a real ally if they encourage behavior that will Make other ppl treat you badly. helpless neurotypicality :(#just as the ppl saying ableism is baked into terms & phrases used casually well beyond the [bad but lol guess not That Bad r word]#were definitely the ones Advancing Ableism by annoyingly overdoing the Polite Veneer you imagine they were Demanding#(rather than a more thorough questioning of language & accepted ''norms'' in pointing out the logics in their usage / basis)#simultaneously as being too much to ask it was also always so Frivolous as to not be worth the apparently infinitesimal effort#hmm guess we'll never solve the contradictions there....#not even with the ''openly saying 'see? i don't take ableism seriously & now it's Your Fault b/c i saw this & scoffed at it''' clues#& a final shoutout to the classic ''it's called being Realistic'' language in this & wherever else relevantly applied lol. we could go on
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It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one
#/vent#personal#and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one#previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together#this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed#but again it got solved#I really want the power to move on without having a closure.#I hope I will be strong enough for it one day.#I just need to think..#I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats#(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going)#as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them#until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression#I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world.#I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally#I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I#it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth#and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them#so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change#maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess
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