#Neil: how else do i break down walls

[hope-was-a-disquieting-thing]

Neil: So Bee was speaking with me and advised that I start breaking down my walls and let people in. So I've decided that I'm going to break down the fourth wall.

Neil, looking into the camera : Hi there, my name is Neil Josten, and I used humour and sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

[buckysgrace]

Hi. You’re amazing!

Do you ever write fluff? Like if you found out you were pregnant with Billy’s baby and at first he’s upset and doesn’t want anything to do with you but after you have the baby ( a little boy with blonde curls like Billy) he gets all emotional and wants to desperately be a better father than his dad was to him 😭

Hello! Thank you so much <3 I absolutely will write fluff!

CW: Mentions of abortion, mentions of child abuse, lots of Billy being scared and a lil mean.

Billy's son is also referenced as having blonde curls and his nose, but the rest is ambiguous!

He was scared.

Billy honestly didn't know what he was going to do. There had been many arguments with you about it, but you seemed fairly determined. You were going to have this baby, whether he wanted to be a part of the baby's life or not.

It wasn't necessarily that he didn't want to be involved, but he could feel a crushing fear spreading through him every time he thought about being a dad.

His relationship with his own dad was strained. Things weren’t the best between them. He never really had a positive father figure, someone that showed him how to stay calm even when he was frustrated. The last thing he wanted was to end up snapping at his own child.

He couldn’t be a dad.

“Not mine,” He said once you showed up with the ultrasound, the bloodwork and everything. Denial was all he could think about, all he could process. He couldn’t fuck up your life and this child’s life if he wasn’t involved. It was that simple, “I didn’t knock you up.” 

“Uh huh,” Was your dry answer, your eyes looking less than amused, “Do you want a paternity test then, William?” Came your snarky response, because you both knew the truth. This baby was his, there was no doubt in Billy’s mind about that. And it terrified him. 

“Don’t call me that.” He said as he pushed his hair off of his forehead, feeling sick as it continued to wash over him. He was going to be a dad. He was going to end up just like Neil. 

“Then don’t act like you weren’t a part of this.” You said, looking just as fearful as what he felt. He sat down on the edge of his bed, tapping his foot rapidly as he thought about how good a smoke sounded right now. He’d need a lot more to make him relax. 

“It’s still early, right?” He questioned at last, turning his attention back to you. He watched the way your eyebrows furrowed tightly together and then relaxed again. Your eyes softened, telling him what he already knew. 

“I’m not getting an abortion,” You said at last, “I’ve made up my mind. You can make your decision, but I’m not letting you walk in and out of our lives whenever you see fit. You can be a part of this baby's life or we can end this. Whatever you prefer.” You were gentle with him, setting out the options softly like you always did. You understood him better than anyone else, made him feel safe. It made him sick to think about how he was hurting the one person he really cared about. 

“Can I think about it?” He asked at last, feeling like there wasn’t anything else to do. He didn’t have an answer yet and he didn’t want to end up saying the wrong thing. He was growing angry at himself. He could only imagine what Neil would say once he found out. 

“Yeah,” You replied gently, eyes softening as you nodded your head, “But I can’t wait forever. I need to know your answer soon.” Your voice slightly wavered but he looked away, not wanting to see you so upset. 

“Yeah,” He responded as he nodded his head and placed his fingers tightly together, “I’ll let you know.” He said at last, staying put until you left. Everything was falling apart, breaking down around him. He couldn’t deal with it right now. 

Ignoring you was harder than he’d thought it would be. He looked for you everywhere he went, even though he knew he couldn’t have you. That was his own fault regardless. He’d made up his mind. It would be easier this way.

Yet, when the invitation for your baby shower arrived in his mail he felt his walls caving in. They crashed into him, making him break down as he stared at your handwritten notes on the card. He could tell just by reading it that you were excited, not afraid. He wished he could be more like you. 

In the end, he decided to go. He needed closure, as he was sure you needed to. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to stand living in the same town as you, knowing that his child would never know him. Somehow, that made him feel even worse.

He felt lonely as the months drew on. He had no one to confide in for his problems; especially Neil and Susan. He didn’t know what to say when they questioned about your disappearance and he felt even more at a loss when they asked him if you were pregnant. A shrug of his shoulders was his answer. He really didn’t know. 

The walk up towards the little gymnasium felt odd, like he didn’t quite belong as he stared at the little balloons and elephant decorations that were spotted throughout the room. There were familiar faces; your friends and family. Some other people that weren’t quite as well known. He still felt awkward, like everyone knew that he was the one who had knocked you up and ran. 

“Hey,” You drew out as you approached him, your palm flat against the bump in front of you, “I didn’t think you’d be here.” You said slowly, literally glowing as you stood in front of him. You had a sundress on, your cheeks were warm and forehead a little sweaty. He wondered if it was from the baby. 

“I didn’t think I’d come either.” He admitted at last, hating how horrible that sounded. He just felt like he was in a rut, buried deep inside of a hole with no real way of coming out. You were like sunshine through the dirt, warming his skin as he watched you. 

“What does this mean?” You asked him at last, tilting your head as your eyes softened over his features. He wished that he had a real answer for you, to tell you how he felt. He was in love with you; deeply. He just didn’t want to hurt you either. It was complicated. 

“I really don’t know yet,” He mumbled, “It just felt right.” He decided on, unable to tell you just how much he missed you. He was nearly desperate enough to fall to his knees and beg for your forgiveness. He would if you pushed him hard enough. 

“Billy,” You drew out in exasperation, “I can’t have you doing this, being so wishy-washy. What do you want?” You asked him seriously, looking like you were close to cracking too. He wanted to reach out and touch you, to hold you. He needed to apologize. 

“I just want to be better,” He replied slowly, “I want to be here. For you and for-,” He stalled for a moment as he looked down at your baby bump, feeling like he was at a loss once again. He wasn’t sure if you wanted him in his life or not. 

“Him,” You said quickly, “We’re having a little boy.” Your eyes were glazed over in tears, your lips pulling into the tightest smile. You were clearly emotional, making him feel awful as he reached his hand forward. Your fingers met slowly, molding against one another. He felt sparks traveling up his arms, leaving him resentful of the past few months he’d wasted. 

“That’s-, that’s good,” He answered after he cleared his throat. He was already scared to be a dad, but to have a son? He feared that even more. He was sure he was following directly into Neil’s shows, “Have you decided on a name?”

“I kind of like Cash,” You stated as you rubbed at your belly, “Just feels right. C’mon, you can open the presents with me.” You explained as you tugged him along, leaving him a little jittery. He thought about pulling out a cigarette, but figured it wasn’t the right place to do it.

He felt a little lost but slowly grew more and more keen on what was happening. It was still a lot to process, but it felt right being there by your side. You were clearly excited despite everything that had happened. He was grateful that you were so open, that you didn’t hold a grudge against him.

“Where are you living at?” He asked instead, curious as to whether your living situation had changed or not. You were still living at home the last time he checked. He was slightly nervous, wondering if someone else had slipped into his spot. 

“Still with my parents,” You admitted as you shrugged your shoulders, “They were upset, but they’ve come around.” Your lips were pulled into a smile, looking less than worried. Apparently things had been fairly well for you.

“They probably hate me.” He said a moment later, sure that it was true. He couldn’t see how they wouldn’t. He had practically left you. You snapped your eyes up towards him. 

“Hate is a strong word,” You told him quickly, “But yeah, they’re not the happiest. Especially dad.” You explained slowly as you continued to rub at your baby bump. 

“Great,” He mumbled as he placed his hands in his pockets, “I’m really sorry.” He breathed out slowly, knowing his apology was more important than everything else. He meant it too. He shouldn’t have pushed you away. 

“You just disappeared,” You started slowly, “I thought you were gone.” Your voice was soft, full of hurt and distress. He felt his throat tightening, burning as he thought about how much he missed you. He was a fool to ever stray away from you, to leave you on your own. 

“I thought about it,” He told you honestly, knowing there was no point in lying, “I don’t want to be like my dad.” He replied at last, getting down to the root of the issue. He didn’t want to accidentally lash out at you or at your future child. He never wanted that for him. It would be better to be alone. 

“You won’t,” You told him quickly, sternly as he exhaled deeply, “You’re not like your dad. I promise you.” You cupped his face softly, your hands smooth and gentle against his skin. He leaned against you, craving the feeling. 

“What if I lose control?” He asked at last as he drew his eyes over your features, taking in the way you were watching him. You sighed deeply as you rubbed your fingers across his skin. You looked deep in thought as you pressed your nails gently against his stubble. 

“You never did that at your swimming classes,” You reminded him, “You should come stay with me. Move in. It would be good for our baby.” You moved your hands to his neck, then to his shoulder and down to his hands. You gripped them slowly, pressing them against your growing tummy.

He stalled for the longest time, blinking slowly as he felt like the world was freezing around him. Underneath your skin he could feel your baby moving. He gulped, eyes wide as he felt the smallest smile curling against his lips. He exhaled deeply as he looked towards you again. 

“I don’t know.” He replied nervously as he felt his heart hammering roughly inside of his chest. He chewed on his bottom lip, thinking that it would be easier. He’d be closer for you, for the baby. If he was really going to do this, he needed to be near you. 

“You don’t have to marry me or anything,” You started, “Or be with me if that’s what you want.” You said sheepishly, looking embarrassed as you quickly looked away. He felt his heart shatter a bit again, worried that he had truly hurt you. 

“You have someone else?” He asked at last, worried that you had moved on. He had done wrong, but he really did love you. You were the only one he was passionate about. He wasn’t sure how to move on if you had found someone else. 

“No,” You responded with a smile, “But I just want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with us.” You nodded your head, but looked like that was hard to admit. He didn’t want you to be alone. Not anymore. 

“You make me happy,” He said at last, “We’ll work this out. I promise.” He said as he brought your hand up to his lips, savoring the feeling of your skin against his mouth. He closed his eyes, feeling very regretful. He wouldn’t lose you again. 

When he returned home he felt odd, but not like he had in the past few months. He didn’t drink away his feelings, or drown his anger out with music. Instead, he worked on packing. He wasn’t going to be like Neil; not at all. He was going to be there for you. He was going to be there for his son. No matter how scared he was. He couldn’t let either of you down. 

“Where are you going?” Neil’s voice made him jump, surprising him as he paused with the article of clothing in his hands. He turned slowly, looking at the way Neil was leaning against the door frame. He had his hands crossed tightly over his chest, his eyebrows furrowed together tightly. His features were stoic, like he was deciding whether he should be angry or not. 

“I’m moving out,” He said as he turned away, shoving the clothes back into his bag, “I uh, found a place.” Billy replied slowly as he finished zipping up his bag. He wondered how much he’d really be able to take with him. Probably not much if his dad got angry. 

“You moving in with that bitch?” Neil tilted his head up as he spoke, like he was trying to make himself taller. His eyes were sharp, cold as his gaze cut into Billy. He felt sick as he gulped harshly, trying to keep his tone at bay. 

“Don’t call her that.” Billy responded hotly, feeling defensive of you. You weren’t anything like that and you were letting him back into your life; just like that. You were everything and more to him and he wasn’t going to let Neil speak ill of you. 

“Is the kid yours or some little bastard?” His lip curled up in disgust as he spoke, his features filling with disappointment. Billy didn’t care. He was going to be happy with you. He wouldn’t be like Neil. Not ever. 

“Mine,” He said roughly, “And don’t you ever call him that.” He snatched up his bag, taking his few items with him as he moved forward. Neil scoffed as he shook his head, irritated as Billy pushed forward.

“She’s going to ruin your life,” He grumbled as he gripped Billy’s shoulder, holding him in place for a moment, “And don’t even think about crawling back. I won’t have you.” He said threateningly, like he might change Billy’s mind.

“I won’t come back.” Billy promised, stern with his answer as he walked past him. He wouldn’t let his son suffer the same way he had. They both deserved better than this. 

The rest of the months passed breezily, making him come to terms a little easier as your due date approached. He had done a lot of ass kissing, pleading and groveling until he got back on your good side. He brought you flowers every day, rubbed your feet after work and gave you plenty of kisses.

You complained about how you looked as the final weeks approached, but he thought that you looked beautiful. Stunning. In his opinion, you were glowing. He loved rubbing your tummy too, feeling like he got a deeper connection that way.

Your labor was messy, a little chaotic. Billy was terrified something would go wrong, but stayed close to you regardless. By the end of it, his hand was numb and his wrist aching from how tightly he’d been gripping you.

“Look at him,” You breathed out as you held the little boy in your arms, “He’s so cute.” You sniffled, looking like you were seconds away from breaking down again.

He stared and stared, memorizing his son's features as he came to terms that he was a father. He had a little boy, someone to take care of. He looked so fragile, so tiny. It made him nervous. He was fearful that he’d accidentally hurt him by holding him wrong, or by dropping him. He wasn’t sure how his rough hands were supposed to hold something so soft. 

"Billy," You breathed out quietly, making his throat grow raw as he stared down at the little boy. Soft blonde curls and the same sloped nose he had. Everything else about the little boy reminded him of you, "Are you crying?" You asked gently, making him feel even more emotional as he shook his head. 

“No,” He said hoarsely, doing everything in his power to keep from breaking down, “S’just a lot.” He mumbled as he wiped at his eyes, inhaling deeply through his nose as he tried to calm himself down. His hands were shaking, his heart thumping roughly inside of his chest. 

“I know,” You replied softly as you sat up a bit, gesturing the bundle in your arms towards him, “C’mon. You’ll feel better.” You reassured him, but he still felt hesitant. He pressed his fingertips together before he nodded, accepting the little baby from you.

Names hadn’t quite been figured out yet, but that didn’t matter at the moment. He looked healthy, his cheeks full and fists clenched together as he stretched his arms out. Billy felt a small chuckle leave his neck, fighting over the sob that was threatening to burst free.

He suddenly couldn’t remember why he had been so nervous, or scared. As his son curled against his arms it felt natural, like he already knew what he was doing. He savored the warmth, the way the little baby cooed as he adjusted him in his arms. Everything felt right suddenly.

“I won’t let anything bad ever happen to you,” He promised as he kissed his little head, sighing deeply as he snuggled his little son towards him, “Not ever. I promise.” 

[pinguwrites]

Dark!Neil refusing to pull out when the reader needs him to due to not being on birth control.

"no please stop, we can't! . . . hehehhehHAHHHAHA "

Drabble: dark!neil refuses to pull out

pairing | dark!neil lewis x girlfriend!reader

Warnings: non-con, smut, dark!neil, forced breeding kink, sexism, implied reader co-owns gumshoe video with neil, PROCEED WITH CAUTION, DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE NOT COMFORTABLE

Disclaimer: Watching The Detectives characters, plots, quotes, etc. do not belong to me and belong to the rightful owner(s). This is only fanfiction and this is just for fun.

A/N: you have @mrkdvidal1989 to thank for this, I took a break from another fic to get this out real quick so I could give you guys some fuel 😘. Writing about neil also reminds me of a dream I recently had where Neil spit in my mouth on a beach sooo yeah

"Fuck, Neil!"

You weren't sure what had gotten into your boyfriend today. Since morning he had been uncharacteristically handsy and needy — not that he wasn't a little pervert most days — only that it was becoming so public and obvious that you had to swat Neil's hand away and give him a warning glare just so he would quit warding of the customers, multiple times since you both arrived at Gumshoe Video.

"I had a dream," he had murmured, wrapping you up in his arms, only for his hands to slide up underneath your skirt and feel the curve of your ass, to which you had snapped at him before frantically looking around the store to see if anyone saw.

"Well," you said in response, "you can tell me about it later — Friday's are one of our busiest times!"

Neil had backed away after that, but you could still feel the longing glances he sent over to you. You almost felt bad, though you knew you had to be professional at work. Besides, you relished in the idea of teasing him.

The moment you two had stepped foot inside your shared apartment he had pinned you against the wall and attacked your lips. He carried you to your bedroom, shoved you down on the mattress, grabbed some lube, and started thrusting like mad dog.

"P-please, slow down," you whimpered, the bed shaking so hard the creaks could be heard through the halls. His cock slid in and out of you at a pace Neil never used before, filling up your walls ungracefully, like you weren't his girlfriend, but a hole.

"Can't," he moaned, burying his face in your breasts. "Can't help myself when I'm around you. Just need you so bad . . . You know that dream I was telling you about?"

"Neil — just a break — "

Neil groaned, his hot breath on your neck. "I know women aren't that smart, but c'mon, it was only this afternoon."

Neil could be sexist sometimes. Your family and friends told you to avoid men like that, which was the specific reason you avoided telling them about your boyfriend's often slips. It was just — you loved Neil. You really loved him. There wasn't much else about the topic to discuss, or at least anything you wanted to admit about how problematic it really was.

"I remember," you said, breathless. "Is this what it was about? Fucking me till I pass out?"

"I bred you."

You froze, though your body was still moving due to Neil's deathly grip and the way he was shoving into you so desperately.

"N-no," you protested. "You can't now, I'm not on birth control. I don't have anymore, I ran out, the store's closed — "

" — It's not just that," Neil hissed, interrupting you. "I want a child."

This was bound to happen soon. You and Neil were well on your way to marriage, but not now, not like this. Not when you knew that you both weren't ready to raise a kid.

"You're just saying that because of the dream." You placed your hands against his chest, halfheartedly pushing him off. You didn't want this to be a struggle. You were hoping that he would understand the message and pull out, but he didn't.

Neil shook his head.

"Yes," you insisted, then you got scared. You didn't want to be the woman who only married her man because she got knocked up. What if Neil and you broke up after this? That would be even worse! These few moments of pleasure weren’t worth all the headache in the future.

Neil took your hands and pinned them above your head, pushing them into the soft, cold pillow.

"You do what I say, understand?" Neil said sternly, looking right into your eyes. "Be a good girlfriend and let me give you a child."

"No," you cried out, turning your head, your fear increasing by the second.

Neil used his free hand to grab your chin and forced you to look at him. He had never been this forceful, this violent before.

"Stop being so goddamn stubborn," he spat. "You're gonna have my child wether you like it or not."

He wiped away your tears and buried his head his head back in your breasts, muttering, "Stupid bitch."

Taglist:

@henrywintersdearestgirl @shroombloom-rry @meetmeatyourworst @nela-cutie @madnessandobsession @slut4thebroken @qqquartz7 @mrkdvidal1989

[ninyard]

Could we get a continuation of Kevin reacting to riko’s death?

To follow on from that last one, just imagine Kevin sat in a hotel room with David and Abby and the whole world has just come to a standstill. The room is quiet, or at least he thinks it is, and everything feels grey and nothing makes sense. His head is empty, mostly, but his hands can't stay still. He feels his internal temperature drop. He doesn't register it, but Abby notices; how his lip starts to quiver, his pulse almost bursting out of his skin, heart pounding so hard and fast that she can see it in his neck, on his chest. His eyes are wide when he looks at her, not a thought behind his forehead, pupils dilated as he just quietly processes what he'd just been told.

She says something to him about shock, and he nods in feigned understanding.

He's not in that room anymore when a knock comes at the door. He's in the nest, he's drawing on sharpie numbers on cheekbones and he's playing pretend olympics. He's in the nest and he's being held down and hurt and there's nothing he can do about it. Kevin can't remember the order of the words spoken around him, maybe it started with Renee needs to talk to Jean, or did you tell him? or Should I get Andrew?

Neil kneeling down in front of him was only a mirage at that point. There's a hand on his shoulder, and he knows that he's looking at Neil, but it's only his eyes that are moving, his brain unable to process what exactly is happening in his line of sight.

"I'm not going to ask if you're okay," Neil says, or something similar. "I know who he was to you."

"Who told you?" He manages, minutes or years after Neil had come to comfort him. It's Neil's turn to take too long to answer, but before he can, it comes back to Kevin - the staff taking Neil out of the room, how long he was gone for, and the smile on his face when he returned. "You were there?"

Neil nods, but all Kevin sees is that smile on his face. He watched it happen and he smiled. He knew, and he kept it from Kevin, and he smiled. He fucking smiled.

Kevin's hands are on Neil before he realises, before anyone has time to interfere. Wymack is yelling, pointless words lost in the air of shock and anger, and Neil has his arm locked into an outstretched position to keep him off him. But Kevin's arms are longer. The specifics of the scuffle are mostly blurry, but he remembers Neil's foot on his stomach as David pulls him back. Neil cradling his jaw where Kevin had managed to land a slap or a punch. Maybe he was holding his head, was he? Or was it a hand on his chest, soothing where he'd been hit so hard that it almost winded him?

"Who?" Kevin shouts at Neil, as Renee stands in the doorframe, watching. He frees himself from Davids hands and doesn't care about the stitches popping in his shirt as his coach tries to grab at anything to pull him back. He's crossed the room and shoved Neil up against the wall, his shirt balled up into his fists. "Who did it?"

Himself, he hopes to hear, naive and unprepared for Neil's hushed response of, "Ichirou."

Whatever he throws onto the ground smashes into pieces, and whatever piece of furniture follows it crashes so loudly that he almost registers the sound. He doesn't mean to hit David, such a sacrilegious act, but he doesn't care where his fists land. Everything hits him at once, and he needs to get it out. That was his first time meeting Ichirou. Neil was there. Riko is dead. That was his brother. Neil smiled. Riko is dead. His mom is dead. Jean is alone and he's going to find out. Is this sadness? Is he allowed to feel happy? Is he free now that he's dead? Is there a point of living on without him?

Whatever else happens in that room means nothing to Kevin. It's a blur of yelling at the wrong people about the wrong things, a rush of breaking things that the hotel was certainly going to fine him for later. It's a pause for a moment to look at Neil before it all starts up again. It's on the news. Nothing makes sense. At some point Neil and David are holding some part of him hostage to keep him from smacking himself in the head, to stop him from headbutting the wall, to stop him from hitting Neil again or from banging his fists on the carpeted floor. He's sitting on the floor at the end of the bed, Wymack behind him with his arms around his chest and arms, Neil in front holding his wrists to stop him from pulling out his own hair, as he sweats and heaves in pointless breaths. He lets out this anger around a panic attack that he can barely even feel at all. It's overwhelming. Kevin is having a full blown, full body meltdown, and he needs to get this feeling out of his bones before it destroys him from the inside.

"Andrew." Neil says, too soft, too careful. Kevin knew he had to be in the room, but since Neil had come back from Baltimore, his presence around him had become less of a guaranteed constant. Andrew sits down next to them without a word.

"You get it," Kevin says, and it cuts through Andrew like a cold gust of wind, a hundred knives thrown through his chest and embedded into the wall behind him. Kevin doesn't know how he has the mental capacity to know that he was correct, but it wasn't an assumption, either. Andrew knew who Riko was to Kevin, and Kevin knew enough about Andrew to know that it was the truth. "You know how this feels."

There's something there - an acknowledgment of Drake's death, another outburst at the wrong words said, a realisation that Neil understands it too. There's an inconsolable Kevin, and blips in his memory that he can't recount at all. There's him dipping in and out of this lucid, conscious state. Maybe he laughs. Maybe he's not able to cry. Maybe nothing makes sense but he feels it all anyway and he's not able to handle it at all. The pain in his chest and his heart is unbearable. Nobody has ever seen him like this. He's never seen himself like this, in such a flurry of unmanageable feelings.

Maybe Riko would've remembered him like this, from when Kevin found out his mom was dead, but maybe he'd been too controlled to not control his reaction to that news at that time. Maybe this was him feeling anger about the death of his mom, for the first time, too.

Why? is all he can think. Why now? Why Riko? Why did he treat me like this? Why did he let everything get so bad that this was the only possible outcome? Why Ichirou? Why did he not feel good about the death of his abuser? Why was he unable to process the death of the man who destroyed him and built him back up exactly how he wanted? (Maybe that just answered it all for him anyway.)

[mourntheantagonist]

I said this to someone offhandedly a while ago but it just got me thinkin thots

Billy can win any fight, against any opponent. Sure, he might take major damage in doing so, but his end goal will always be met. But there’s a catch.

He has to be fighting for someone else. It can’t be selfish.

It’s why when Steve asks him why he doesn’t ever hit Neil back, his heart aches inside his chest, realizing Steve will never understand.

It’s the question he never really understood the answer to himself, just knowing the simple fact being that he couldn’t fight back. He wasn’t allowed to fight back.

Steve always accepts Billy’s answer, but really, he doesn’t. Because the next time Billy shows up at Steve’s door with a busted lip, he’ll ask him the same question again.

“I’ve seen you fight,” he says, “and I’ve seen your dad, you can easily take him down.”

Billy knows when Steve says this, he’s only trying to help him. Steve assumes he doesn’t fight back because he’s afraid. Steve assumes he doesn’t think he would win the fight. Steve doesn’t understand.

But Billy, he’s starting to.

Billy knows he would win. He knows he could stop a beating in its tracks with one fell swoop if he wanted to.

But then what?

After. What does he do after?

Steve never considers this part of the question. For Billy, it’s all he ever thinks about.

When Steve asks him what he would do if Neil went after Max, he’s surprised by the answer Billy gives him.

“I’d stop him.” He says.

There no “I’ll try” to be heard in that short sentence. It’s sure. It’s a promise. And all it does is have Steve asking once again why he never defends himself.

Billy knows Steve only asks because it’s hurting him to see him hurt. Billy understands that hurt. It’s why he knows not to fight back.

He remembers watching his mom take it just like he does. She would stiffen and never break eye contact. She’d tell Billy to look away and leave the room, but even behind a closed door he could hear it all rattling through the walls, and he never missed the glimmer of glass shards on the carpet when the noise finally stopped and he left his room.

She never fought back. She survived.

She did fight, though, but never for herself. When Billy was at the age his dad had deemed old enough for his discipline of choice, his mom stepped in whenever she could. Billy never failed to notice that the fear in her eyes that she always had when his anger was directed at her vanished when it was turned towards him. She wasn’t afraid when she wasn’t fighting for herself.

He doesn’t remember her saying the exact words to him, hell, he’s pretty sure he made it up, but it didn’t change the fact that whenever he was face to face with his father’s death stare, he heard her voice in his head telling him to stay calm, to listen, to maintain eye contact, to brace himself and take it…telling him it would be worse if he didn’t.

He listens to his mom. She got out. She survived. He’ll do as she did. He’ll take what is dished to him, and protect the ones he loves, and he’ll always win.

Steve continues to ask him why he doesn’t fight back, and Billy decides that he’ll let him, because he knows there’s nothing Steve can do, and he knows how shitty it feels to be helpless.

Billy still tells him he can’t, but never why. He tells him that he’s okay, and he thanks him for being there with him.

It’s okay. Even if it hurts a little every time Steve asks, he knows that one day he won’t have to ask him anymore.

Because Billy got to stop asking his mom the same question.

[ifitmeanslosingyouthenno]

"not people thinking they can escape heartache. avoiding it at all cost is itself a form of it."

a little angst hurt no comfort i wrote in class instead of paying attention

neil hasn't heard from andrew in over three months. maybe. he definitely checked in around march. around the anniversary of his father's death. but it was going to be august soon, so definitely more than three months. neil was going to start his professional career in just a few days and all he could think of was about how andrew had missed his calls for the better part of this year. about how andrew had missed the foxes final match, neil's last championship win as a fox. his graduation. when he moved out of palmetto and settled in a lonely apartment all the way in omaha.

neil has been looking forward to this, to being in a successful pro team, being one of the rookies with the best stats in the league, earning a spot in one of the best teams in the nation with one hell of a salary that had been more than aproved by ichirou moriyama

and yet

and yet that all seemed worthless

he has it all, but without reason or explanation, he doesn't have what matters the most to him

maybe it's his own fault. andrew did tell him for years. that they were nothing, that what they had wasn't serious. maybe neil should have taken it for what it was. the truth.

still

he can't help the gaping hole in his chest, the coldness, after growing used to sharing so much with someone else, only for that someone to disappear from his side seemingly out of nowhere

neil would play their last interactions over and over in his head, trying to figure out when he messed up, what he did to push andrew away, what boundaries he pushed and pushed until he broke andrew's trust

or maybe he just wasn't interesting enough for andrew, maybe he truly was nothing after all, maybe now that he wasn't convenient, now that he was too far from andrew all the way up in new york, and now that it was too troublesome to see him, maybe andrew had realized that he could do better

maybe andrew realized that he could find someone who was actually attractive, who could do more than talk about exy, whose life wasn't tied to the literal mafia, who wasn't more trouble than he's worth andrew's attention

whatever the reason, neil couldn't hold it against andrew

he could only blame himself, for relying on someone long enough that now he had no idea of how to live by himself, alone, in a city where he didn't know anyone or anywhere, miles away from those who he called home, with no one but himself once more

it's fine, everything is fine. he could learn how to live by himself again.

sitting with his back to a wall, in his too cold and empty apartment, he holds his knees close to his chest

he has no choice but to learn to live with loneliness as his only companion again

...

meanwhile, 1240 miles away, andrew minyard sits by himself in a too crowded bar, watching as the bartender switches the tv to the sports channel

for fucks sake, can't a guy just get a fucking break from sports?

to his horror, the talkshow host is talking about the omaha eagles

can't a guy just get a fucking break in general?

neil's too handsome face comes on the tv, as the host goes on and on about how this will definitely make sure the eagles get the championship title once more, and how getting neil josten is one of the best moves their administrative team could have done

nevermind that the new york barons have kevin day and andrew minyard in their team, the host keeps on saying, adding neil josten to a team mostly made up of USC trojans will leave every other team in the dust

andrew downs his last shot before paying the bartender and getting the fuck out of the bar

he's not in the mood for this

who cares about neil josten anyway

there's a reason he stopped answering his calls and texts, a reason why he stopped showing up, and it wasn't just because he barely got any off time

there's a reason he doesn't keep neil josten in his life anymore

he knew, the moment that neil got that proposal for the eagles that he was going to take it, he had to, because it's what would make him the most money, what would keep the moriyamas pleased and happy

he knew they wouln't survive the distance, both of them on cities on nearly opposite ends of the map, both in pro teams, both with too many things to deal with

there was no point delaying the inevitable

it was better to cut it all off before it became problematic (before it became harder to leave neil behind, before he couldn't make himself do it)

neil would find joy in exy with his obsessed little heart, he would move on, he would find someone else in omaha, and he would be happy. he probably already was.

and well, andrew has several fuckbuddies already, men he trusts to a certain degree to know that they could get off together, respect their boundaries and go home with no strings attached

he doesn't need any more than that

this was easier. better. for the both of them

it would save them the heartache of having to fight to keep alive their... something, when it had no chance of surviving

it had to be worth something, he thinks to himself, as he ignores the emptiness in his chest he refused to acknowledge as an ache

...

in omaha, all neil josten could feel was heartache

...

in new york, as much as andrew minyard denied it, all he could feel was heartache too

...

inspired by this quote, which i referenced in the beginning

[joanofexys]

Please I must know more about Angel…

I’m gonna do a mix of fun facts and extra Angel backstory/PSU stuff so hopefully there’ll be something good in there

Some fun facts abt Angel:

Cuts the sleeves off most of his shirts

Crop. Tops.

Basically I wanted more men to dress like whores

Except he lowkey does it in a dad, rock band in someone’s garage, hot mechanic kind of way if that vibe makes sense in any capacity

His nose is crooked

Has a lot of scarring across his body, most of it has keloided (idk if that’s a word but I have keloid scars so leave me alone rip). He’s also got a few on his face

Because they’re raised and pretty prominent they tend to weird most people out and even though most of them are from when he was 10 or younger (courtesy of his father) they haven’t really faded. Some of them hurt some of them don’t

He doesn’t really like them or think they’re cool, he’s learned to feel neutral about it. However, Phoebe loves his scars

He’s built like a fucking brick wall. Just absolutely massive

gonna put it under the cut cause partial nudity ig but this is an idea of his body build:

also real quick the closest I’ve gotten for a good face claim for him is Isaiah Baumgardner

His hands are really cut up/scarred (I’ll explain this in a sec)

Cat and dog person. He will argue very passionately for it too and how unfair he thinks it is whenever people try and demonize cats or dogs

Queen would probably be the top artist in his Spotify wrapped

Hoards different editions of classics

Okay yeah moving on from the random bullets to me writing another essay about him

I did NOT get into this in his initial post but yeah his dad is a serial killer. For years his mom is labeled as missing (went missing when he was 4 years old) and then at 10 years old he’s removed from his dad’s home and moved into foster care. It wasn’t until 14 that his mother was confirmed dead upon his father’s arrest and confession.

When he was 14 years old the police randomly showed up at the door of his foster family at the time and took him down to the station. He was questioned for 7 hours, wrapping up at 3 in the morning, while the police tried to figure out if he had any knowledge or involvement in his father’s murders. All it resulted in was a crying Angel begging for his mommy to come home. With how young he was and the fact that he had been out of the home for 4 years (and his father continued killing during those 4 years) they declared there was no way he was aware. He was offered a chance to testify against his father. He refused to show.

When they dropped him off at his foster home he very nearly got the cops called again. He destroyed his room. Every personal belonging he had bought or been given by former families. He moved to a different home within the week. He breaks a lot of glass. And insists on cleaning it up himself. He cuts up his hands bad doing so. They have to take him to the ER.

Because he was a minor and had basically no ties to his father he was largely kept out of the media. When his father’s arrest and plea of guilty made the news it was mentioned that he had a single son but there was never a name. Obviously with Di Fiore anyone who looks him up is likely to get his dad in the search results instead. But he does his best to keep it hidden. It’s pretty easy for Wymack (and Andrew rip) to dig it up but Angel keeps it buried until he ends up at Palmetto. Once Andrew drops that he knows then Angel gives up on trying to keep any secrets from the foxes pretty much

He spends most of his time with the monsters. Phoebe’s favorites of them end up being Andrew (much to Aaron’s dismay since Aaron babysits more) and Kevin. However, like how cats can tell when people don’t like them, she is prone to asking for Neil and refusing to let anyone else hold her. Neil has no fucking clue what to do with her

When he goes to Eden’s with them if he can’t leave Phoebe with Harper then his go to babysitters are Dan & Matt and Wymack

He spends more time crashing at Wymack or Abby’s places than in the dorms

Resisting the urge to dump about my oc x canon ships but he and Allison are fwbs. He and Kevin are something (he’s basically a weighted blanket as a person which is something I think Kevin needs)

Uhhhhh fuck what else is going on with him. Idk he keeps to himself. He and Harper go on double dates with Katelyn and Aaron despite being broken up. He’s both very obviously a fucked up teenager and a good dad at the same time. He’s prone to cheating at board games. He doesn’t yell at people. His hearing’s a little fucked but he’ll probably never get it checked out. He’s very physically affectionate when he’s given permission (but he’ll always ask first. it’s good for setting healthy boundaries but it’s especially for Phoebe and to make sure she knows her boundaries will always be respected at home even from a young age). He likes RPGs (he’d be a huge fan of BG3) and is a fantasy nerd. Yeah that’s just a bit more about him

[duckietiewritestoo]

Jerk (Neil Lewis x Reader)

Alright, I'm going to make this quick. I was aiming for angst and to be honest, I don't like Violet. It's also been a while since I watched the film, so forgive me if I had some inaccuracies with the plot or characters. With that, please note I wrote this with all the jealousy and hatred I had. I really do love Neil as a character, but the movie can be a PAIN to watch.

Enjoy

WARNINGS: Angst, cringe, 2nd person pov

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

The store was closed for the night as the stars came out twinkling brightly to mark the end of the day, but you could’ve closed up earlier since no one came in during the working hours. You closed the store  tonight, it was your turn anyway. The keys jangled together while you attempted to silently turn the lock into place. The doors clicked and closed.  Your job here was smoothly done. The Gumshoe Video Store was closed for the night.

You sighed, stuffing the keys into your pocket. The doors were locked for good. You really hoped no one had the wise idea of breaking inside. It  was just a movie store, nothing else. Unless Neil had a valuable CD in there that people were aware of, no one would be breaking in. You didn’t know why you were worried, biting your nails so nervously. It was just a store. One you spent your time laughing in, enjoying time with friends and accidentally dropping a shelf full of movies down on your head once.

No one would break in.

And yet, it felt like your heart was slowly breaking down, and all the emotional walls you had built crumbled into pieces.

You slumped against the store door, burying your face into your hands. Fresh hot tears streamed down your cheeks and hands. Neil hadn’t been home for a year now. you paid his bills, his debts, and everything he owed. You had to run his store. He ran off with Violet for an “exciting” life, filled with crime. You missed the nerd, the idiot he was. He left, it all fell apart just like the bond you had. The store he worked hard on opening was falling apart. No one was coming in anymore. All of your friends were distant. He had torn down everything the blood, sweat, and tears of everyone went into working on.

She had taken him. The excitement Violet brought with her had lured Neil into an emotional whirlwind. You didn’t see what he saw in her though and could never think why he even liked her in the first place. She was cruel. 

Violet took Neil and shaped him into someone he wasn’t. He was a nerd, a movie lover, and a complete adorable dork. He probably didn’t like being considered a dork, but he was one. Neil was the only  lovable dork you wanted to see again.

Every breakup had caused him pain, and you felt sympathy for him. Violet would toy with him. The last breakup they had she claimed it was a joke! With every little thought you had, your fists curled up tightly, gripping your pants.

 Now Neil  turned to a crime of life? It wasn’t like him. Neil liked crime thrillers, but he’d never actually do it.

It was all Violet’s fault. But that was the jealousy talking, wasn’t it? It had its hold on you, firmly never letting you go. Whenever you thought about her, you got furious. It angered you to see her with him. He spent more time with her than anyone else. You knew it was jealousy that made you crave his attention and you wanted to blame it on something else, but it was true.

Or was it just all in your head? Were you truly blinded by anger and hatred that you created false thoughts for yourself? You didn’t know her that well. you only knew what Neil told you. You never really met her, you never really go to know her. So how could you judge her before you really knew who she truly was?

It was too late for that, they both were long gone. It seemed you never got the chance.

 You zoned out, looking into the distance as it seemed to fade out of your mind. The sun was setting, tinting the blue sky. you could see Neil walking down the street, his long hair a mess like always and his clothes too baggy on him. You could visualize it, you already were, imagining Neil walking down the street towards where you sat. He had this sheepish grin and kept walking, closer and closer.

You squinted. It wasn’t your imagination, it was actually Neil? He got closer until you could properly see him. He hadn’t changed one single thing in his appearance  in the year he was gone. You were certain he would’ve changed more. You gasped. 

“You?!” you exclaimed. He smiled that pretty grin you missed. 

“Yes, me,” Neil said. He still smiled with that goofy grin of his and a spark ignited in his blue eyes. Your cheeks flushed red. Neil was standing there for real, it wasn't a dream.

“You!” 

“Yes…Me.”

“You…” you whispered. Your voice faltered near the end. The disbelief and anger was setting in. “You…Neil…You…” He sighed.

“Yes, you know,” he said. You scoffed.

“Why did you come back?” you asked. You weren't expecting him to return at all. “Did Violet dump you? Again? Or did she finally push you over the edge?” Did you finally learn? His gaze lowered in shame, the gleam in his eyes dying out.

“C’mon, (Name), don’t say it like that. Besides, that’s not the reason why I came back,” he said.

“Oh, so what? Am I supposed to be happy you’re back?” you snapped, resting your hands on your hips. “You left us for her. I don’t forgive or forget easily, Neil. You should know that about me. Unlike you, I didn’t change.” 

The look in Neil’s eyes was one of hurt. A small scoff escaped his lips and the tears watered up in his eyes. You knew you had crossed a line, one you never crossed with him. 

“Oh, yeah, so what if I did? I don’t see or hear anyone else complaining about it,” He spoke, his voice rough with pain. Neil threw one hand in the air, almost exaggerating what he said. Your heart stung with guilt. “Maybe you’re the one who’s blind! Maybe you do need a change!”

“Neil, I–”

“No, (Name) I don’t want to hear it from you! You don’t get to talk.” The conversation escalated quickly. You groaned in frustration. You didn’t know how to deal with an angry, stubborn Neil. 

“I’m sorry!” you cried, struggling to conjure up words. “I didn’t mean to hurt you like that!”

“It sounded like you did!”

“No, not at all, Neil! If you would just listen–”

“Well, I’m not gonna listen to you!” he exclaimed. “I came back hoping you would let me in! I left Violet, alright? I missed you and the rest of the gang, (Name)! Can’t you see that?” he pleaded. The glistening tears were visible in his eyes. Your expression softened. How could you stay mad at him?

“Why’d you leave Violet?” you asked quietly. You had to be gentle with Neil. Both of you were vulnerable and treading in dangerous waters.

“Were you ever jealous of her?” he asked. That caught you off guard. The blood quickly rushed to your cheeks, tinting them red. 

“No,” you lied, brushing it off. It was clear as crystal that you weren’t telling the truth. Neil let his shoulders slump.

“C’mon, (Name), don’t lie to me. I need your honesty,”  he said.

“Fine…I’m jealous of Violet.”

“You still are?” 

“Yes.”

“Why?” You inhaled deeply.

“She’s a femme fatale, you dork,” you replied. Your voice wavered, letting vulnerability through. “I can’t describe what she makes me feel, Neil. I just–” You gritted your teeth, trying to express yourself through your hands. 

“You just get frustrated,” he finished for you.

“Exactly!”  you exclaimed. “For about a year I thought you were a jerk leaving your friends behind! I felt betrayed, Neil! I still feel betrayed! You left without a word after she broke your heart too many times! She took you and turned and twisted you into another man I barely knew!  What do you even see in her?!” 

You were left without a breath after that rant, and you  took a seat back down on the curb, lowering your head. Almost everything you were thinking about earlier had been let out. Tears rolled down your cheek again, landing on the concrete. Neil sat down next to you. He placed a gentle hand on your shoulder.

“(Name), I’m so sorry,” he whispered, wiping a tear from your face. “If I had known–”

“It doesn’t matter now. What’s in the past is in the past,” you muttered, resting your head on his shoulder. “You can’t undo it, Neil.”

“But I want to try to,” he replied softly, kissing your cheek. “Just…please, give me a second chance, (Name). Trust me on this, I’m still me.” You sniffed.

“How do I know you’re still you?” you asked, rubbing your eyes.  Neil smiled warmly, rubbing your arm.

“Do you still think I’m a dork?” he asked.

“Hmmm, yes.”

“Then I’m still the Neil you love. I might’ve done some things that seemed out of character, but deep down I’m still me,” he said. Neil gently grabbed your chin and turned your face his way. “I’m not gonna hurt you, I’m not Violet.”

He wasn’t Violet and that was the truth. Neil was still Neil. You could see it in his eyes. Even if he did run off and leave everything in shambles, including your heart, you knew he could and would make it up to you. He was a sweet guy, a dork, and a nerd. 

You knew he would never be like Violet, he’d never break your heart, and if he did, he’d fix it.

You smiled softly, rubbing off whatever remaining tears you had. 

“Thanks, Neil…I’m sorry I called you a dork…” He shook his head.

“Nah, I deserved it,” he replied. “I’m sorry I made you cry.”  You laughed. 

“Don’t go apologizing after I did,” you said, still smiling. You stayed silent for a bit,  thinking about how to progress. “Let’s just...take baby steps. Yeah? Will that work?” Neil smiled, placing a kiss on your forehead. 

“Yeah, I could do that.”

[rodolfoparras]

Prepare for my goofy little essay about Soap

I definitely believe Soap likes to be treated like a dog and acts like one. Not like puppy play, but affectionately. He’s laying his head in your lap? He’s has your hand in his as he gnaws on your fingers. You’re having a drink with the rest of the 141? He bites your shoulder when he’s bored of the conversation. It gets to the point where some of the guys start to call Soap, your “puppy”, even though you two aren’t together, but both of you grow into it cause, are they really wrong? You’ve definitely walked in on Soap and Gaz looking over some plans for another prank on Ghost and had to ask Soap, “What do you have?” as he tries to hide it behind his back. I can also absolutely imagine Soap, completely silent, walking into the common area where you and the others are hanging out and just sitting on the floor either between your legs or next to them to rest his head, and you just instinctively put your hand in his hair and pet him.

This all cumulates when after Soap gets into a fight with another member, maybe they were bad talking about you. These two are throwing blows when you walk in and you finally break it up by basically scruffing Soap. You tell off the other guy and are dragging Soap back to your room to clean him up. You aren’t really watching him since you’re trying to get him to a safer place, but Soap’s face is as red as the blood dripping from his nose. Once you get to your room, you sit him on the toilet and start to clean his wounds for him. He’s all nervous and hardly speaking despite you asking him all these questions about why he did this. He says they were running their mouth, so he shut it for them. You chuckle at his need to protect you and your honor and jokingly call him your “guard dog”, but this man flushes to red again. You take a little further and call him your “good boy” while lightly scratching his head. This man absolutely melts at your words and his pants probably grow a little tighter.

All of this probably leads to you and Soap becoming each other’s comforter after missions. Sometimes he needs to grounded, so he just sits near you as you absentmindedly pet his hair until he feels good enough to shower. Usually you feel good enough to clean yourself up after missions but shut down after, so Soap will just lay on top of you like a human weighted blanket.

Sorry about the word vomit of homosexuality. The Soap brainrot is real as of recent. I showed my friend a picture of Neil Ellice and he said, “he looks like a sad dog” and my immediate thought was, “he’s a sad wet dog, and I have soft dry towel”

-🤠

LISTEN I LOVED THIS bc I talked about this with someone how soap is basically a puppy and hear me out you the new sergeant joining the squad and taking a liking to soap but it’s clear he’s got the hots for the lieutenant and really it’s more out of pettiness than anything else that you whisper good boy under your breath when he follows ghosts order without question, saying he’s loyal like a dog when soap is just standing there even barking in his face when you get into a fight

It all ends up with you pushed against the wall, with him fisting your shirt and holding a hand against your throat and maybe it had been one too many drinks post mission adrenaline or sexual frustration that has him smashing his lips onto yours

And before you know of it you’re stumbling into your room clothes are scattered to the floor and he’s riding you while you’re saying the words “come on show me how much of a good boy you can be” and although he almost spit in your face the words “go fuck yourself” being said through gritted teeth he begins to ride you more vigorously

[chasedbyunclewalt]

CHARLIE DALTON X READER ANGST

Summary: Charlie was the one who told Todd Neil was gone… female reader.

AN: im really happy I finally wrote this, it’s been on my mind for awhile…

It was 3:46 AM. 3:46 AM when the news reached Charlie. Charlie had been in Y/N’s dorm room as he regularly was. A call came in to the rooms phone. It rings on the wall. Charlie groans tiredly, nuzzling his face into her shoulder before she gets up, and reaches for the phone.

Charlie is still half asleep as he hears her voice.

“Hello… Cameron? I told you earlier Charlie was here- is he okay?….” And the phone slammed down. “Charlie?” She shakes him. “Charlie??” She shakes him but her voice cracks and her hands feel weak.

“What what- what is it?” He groggily opens his eyes. “N-Neil” is all she responds.

And all too quickly he feels as he’s rushed to meet the other poets, tear stained cheeks, all of them. He feels left out. Because was he the last to know? He thinks he is? What’re they doing here standing around? What could he do? Nothing? Wheres Todd… where the hell… is Todd?

That one comes out be supposed.. “Where the hell is Todd?” He asks interrupting Y/N and her brother, Knox’s frenzy. She pauses, obviously she doesn’t know, she found out with him….

“Doesn’t know.” Meeks mumbles.

Doesn’t know? Who didn’t tell Todd?

“Why not?” Charlie asks. He gets a blank stare from them all. He knew the answer though. No one could tell Todd. How could they? It wasn’t real was it? No, definitely not.

Before anyone could comprehend it, Charlie starts towards Neil and Todd’s dorm. He leans back against the door. Everyone follows suit, none of them willing to be alone. Charlie looks up at the dark Welton hallways. Tears run down his face, salty and uncontrollable but contained…

He stays there for quite awhile. Not minding the silence of the group staring at him. He sighs contemplating his choice. To tell Todd or to pretend it didn’t happen.

Knox takes a step forward breaking the ice everyone had been hovering on. He taps the knob as if asking Charlie. Charlie goes in. Charlie doesn’t notice who turns the light on, or that everyone stands hovering at the door waiting to see what he does. The others wish they could tell Todd but physically none of them could. They all turn to look at each other for a moment, even Charlie, as Meeks gives him a little nudge to the bed.

“T-Todd..?” And here he goes… he thinks… it must be real… if he’s saying it happened, if he’s shaking Todd awake. He tries to keep his voice steady and his eyes dry. He knew no one else could. After seeing Todd’s reaction Charlie has many thoughts. Besides the initial reaction to comfort Todd…

How selfish… how absolutely selfish that he had to tell Todd.. the only person as close to Neil as himself. They didn’t know Neil like Charlie they weren’t friends with him 8th grade when he had those God awful glasses or- no none of them were! And here Charlie was, the one who should be mourning the most, the one doing … this. Then he thinks it wouldn’t matter anyway. No matter what, it happened. Todd stumbles his way through the snow and Charlie tries to catch up… he’s helpless and he knows it. Neil’s not coming back.

[mercurygray]

Seashells from the March prompts for Marion, please?

George, I hope you don't mind I went in a slightly different direction for this. It's Marion, but it's...not. This is also for the Kind Anonymous Friend who asked for Harding's departure.

He still couldn't believe he'd left them.

His bedroom at Walter Reed was terribly empty - white walls, an iron bedstead also enameled in white, a bedside table, a small chair, a tray on wheels they could place over his bed if he wanted to get work done - if he'd had any work to do, that is. But Neil Harding hadn't been allowed to take any work with him. The 100th doesn't go off ops, and neither do I. He'd been saying it for weeks, even as he was doubled over in pain at his desk and Doc Stover was begging him to tell him what was wrong.

Well. They knew now. Gallstones - a whole lot of them. Easy enough to treat if you got to them early, but he hadn't done that, had he, and now he was back stateside, and his boys were still in it.

They needed me, and I left them.

His boys - and Marion.

There hadn't been a lot of time for good-byes, as they'd been rushing him to the hospital in London, and then straight onto an air evac flight back to the States to recover. He could do a month of bedrest just as easily in DC as he could in England, and there were boys who needed the space close to the war. The Army Medical Department seemed to think he was a total loss, as far as combat readiness was concerned, but he had things to do in England - people who needed him!

Who's going to take care of you, now? Who's looking out for my best girl?

They weren't the kind of instructions you could commit to paper. Red - please look after Marion. Look after, like she needed someone to check on her health. What she needed was someone to kiss her good night - to rub her shoulders and rub her out and fill her hot water bottle and cradle her, very gently, after having sex, at least once a night but perhaps twice. And the particular someone who should have been doing it was presently across an ocean, eating milk porridge and having a full shift of nurses fuss over his stitches and his wound dressing and his bowel movements, like he was some old fogey who would forget things if he wasn't asked.

It wasn't prison, but damn if it didn't feel close. There was a hospital library, and they delivered the papers every day. He was allowed his cigars, and if they liked the progress of his stitches they'd put him back on solid food soon. And they tried for some comforts, where discipline and order could fit them in. One of the nurses had set up his framed picture of Doris and the girls right where he could see it, on the dresser across from his bed. "That's better, now, isn't it, sir?" she'd asked with a sunny smile. "Can I get you anything else, while I'm here?"

He wanted her to take the picture down, but that would look bad. The woman herself would be here in a few days, but until then, he wanted to remain in the war, with the comforts he'd found here. "Lieutenant, there's a…a seashell, in my footlocker, in the top tray." It should have still been there, wrapped in a handkerchief. "Could you - could you put that out, too?" She nodded, and went to check his trunk, before pulling it out - a small, soft, pink spiral of a shell, the kind that you could hear the ocean in, if you held it to your ear. She set it down near the photograph like the two belonged together. "On the - the other side of the dresser, please."

She moved it, as instructed. "A good memory, I hope?"

Neil looked at it and thought of the ocean, and a walk along a barbed-wire edged breakwater in Southwold, a rare private weekend away. She'd found the shell in between the stones, tossed up by a storm. Your favorite color, he'd joked, stroking the pink with his thumb. Your favorite shape, she tossed back, and he realized how the swirl of the shell echoed the curve of a breast, peaking into a pink tip. He'd slipped it into his pocket like a talisman, careful not to break it, and that night he'd kissed those breasts over and over again like he might somehow commit them to memory.

Was it just one memory? No, more than that. But the nurse didn't need to know that. He had left - but she had stayed, and would remain until the stars went out. At least they could depend on her. Neil smiled and nodded, thinking of a woman in a pristine army uniform, laughing in his room's single chair. "The best."

[buckysgrace]

Twenty

Kim

Billy was there one second and the next he was gone. The door slammed behind him before anyone else can say anything, the reveal from Rosemary's tongue still lingering in the air. Kim didn't know what to think, how to process that Sam had managed to marry the one woman he shouldn't have. Kim rushed out a second later, snapping out of her thoughts as the panic takes over. By the time she got out the door he was already speeding down the road and she finds herself breaking down into tears. He left. He was gone just like that, without taking her with him. 

“He’ll be back,” Max grips her shoulders quickly, her eyes just as wide and stunned as she rocks Kim back and forth, “Don’t worry. He’ll be back.” Max kept telling her that, but Kim had a hard time believing it when there’s no indication that he’s returning. She breathes in harshly, feeling like her mind is just spiraling because her emotions are so out of control suddenly. 

She felt dumb. She felt like she should’ve asked more questions, at least demanded that Sam explain who his wife was. She felt like she had led Billy straight into a trap, something that she was even unprepared for. She knew how he felt about Rosemary, about all the hurt and anger he’d gone through. She couldn't imagine what he was feeling right now, what he was going through. She took a second to remind herself that he would be back. He probably just needed to clear his mind. 

It took her another minute to control her breathing and wipe her tears away before she finds herself ready to face the storm that awaits her inside. She knew that things were about to spin out of control, end up even messier than before. She feared what Sam would do as he already knew about her and Billy. She came up with two solutions; that he'd force them apart or find out the truth of their relationship. She didn't like either of the options.

She followed Max inside, inhaling sharply as she looked around. She confirmed that there were still walls missing pictures, just to be sure that they hadn't been completely clueless about this situation. Max glanced back at Kim, giving her a soft nod before they approached Sam again. Rosemary was pushing her hands through her hair, looking frustrated and in disbelief. Sam looked even more confused, looking regretful like he'd wished he'd given her more information too. 

“Why was he here?” Rosemary demanded, her blue eyes blown wide with tears, “Sam, you didn’t tell me you knew Billy.” Everything is still rushed, the room spinning as Kim tries to comprehend what just happened. Max grips her hand tightly, tugging her back into the room as Sam looks just as confused as everyone else. Kim felt slightly bad for her father and wonders what must be racing through his mind at the moment. 

“I didn’t know-,” Sam is at a complete loss, “I didn’t know he was your son.” He speaks genuinely, truthfully. Kim knows that Sam was just as in the dark as everyone else was. The situation is still fuzzy, hazy as everyone tries to work out the same conclusion. 

“How did you know him?” Rosemary turned towards them quickly, looking up with remorse in her eyes. Kim stares down at her, noticing how tiny she is in comparison to even Max. She has a youthful appearance and all of Billy’s features stare right back at Kim. She has the same curve in her lips, the same button nose and thick eyelashes. Even her eyebrows are thick and dark. 

“Neil was married to our mom,” Max answered seamlessly, looking a little panicked as she spoke, “They divorced but Billy is our stepbrother.” Max glanced at Kim, but then quickly looked straight ahead to keep by her answer. Kim didn’t protest, because she wasn’t sure which situation would be worse. Regardless, one parent would know about her and Billy. She finds herself popping her knuckles suddenly as the anxiety grows inside of her chest. 

Kim did her best to ignore the horrified look that Sam sends her way. She gulped back another wave of fresh tears, feeling like everything is suddenly collapsing around her. She breathed in deeply, trying to keep herself under control. She hopes that Sam doesn’t bother to question her and doesn't realize what she’s done. She tried to think of a way to play off Max's words, but there's no getting around it. Sam knew the truth and based on his reaction; he was not happy with it either. 

“Whose Neil?” The younger boy, who must be Russell, questions in confusion. He has a dark eyebrow raised as he peers towards Rosemary. She opens her mouth then shuts it again, shaking her head like she can’t handle the conversation at the moment. Kim begins to connect the dots on her own, realizing that Billy really did have a younger sibling. She felt herself growing sick suddenly, understanding that Russell was probably chosen over Billy. 

“Billy’s dad,” Max answers a second later, looking a little awkward as she shifts from foot to foot at the look Rosemary sends her. Neil is clearly a touchy subject, not that Kim can blame her for, “He wasn’t very nice.” She answers softly as she turns her gaze down to the floor. Kim stared at the back of Max’s neck, looking at the way her hair touches against her skin so she doesn’t have to meet Sam’s gaze. She feels embarrassed, ashamed in a way that she hasn’t in a long time. She felt a little relieved that Sam wasn't screaming at her, but she knew this conversation wasn't over. 

“Oh my God,” Rosemary turns away, hiding her face with her hands as she breaks down into tears. Kim begins to dig her nails into her skin, trying to keep her mind focused on Rosemary instead of the look Sam is still sending her, “Where did he go? We have to go find him.” She said quickly as she turned back to Sam. She craned her neck up towards him as she gripped his biceps, giving him a soft shake as she did her best to convince him. 

“He’ll come back,” Sam turned his attention away finally as he looked down at Rosemary with a soft look, “I’m sure of it. We don’t want to freak him out anymore.” He moved his arms around her waist, pulling the tiny blonde into his chest as a way to reassure her. Kim looks away, unsure of how to handle the resentment that is growing inside of her chest. It’s not like Rosemary took any time to look for Billy before. She didn't know what the big deal was now. 

“Sam,” Rosemary grips his arms as she stared up at him, “We have to look around or something. What if he never comes back?” She asks the question that Kim has been fearing. Kim struggled to swallow the lump in the back of her throat, moving quickly as she ignored the reassurances that Sam is saying towards Rosemary.  She gently walked around Max, keeping her arms around her chest as she made her way back down the hallway.

She walked to her room quickly, hoping that Billy will return any moment. She wondered if he went to the beach or that perhaps he just went to swim to clear his head. She breathed in rapidly, having no idea where Billy would run off to. She could drive around in her car and search for him but had no clue where he'd go. The city was far too large to try and track him down. At the same time, she didn't like the idea of him being alone right now. 

“What Max just said about Neil and Susan,” Sam was looking at her in disbelief, following behind her shortly to her room, “That wasn’t true was it?” He looked at her hopeful, as if there was a chance that he’d misheard the whole conversation. She feels herself slumping onto the edge of the bed, her shoulders sagging as if she could hide herself away. Sam’s gaze is harsh, staring at her every movement. 

“Uh,” Kim paused as her nails drug across the quilt underneath her. She had been scolded before but never by Sam and in this way. He hadn’t even said anything after he’d caught her drinking last night. She knew this was far worse, “Mom and Neil were divorced.” She lied softly, feeling like she didn’t do a very good job by the sharp way he exhaled. She figured that lying was better than him knowing the truth.

“Jesus Christ,” Sam looked at her in disbelief, shaking his head as if he couldn’t see her right, “Kim, by all legal terms he is your brother.” He drew out sharply, his eyebrows knitted together in horror. Kim chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes feeling more wet than usual. She didn't care about legality. 

“I don’t view him like that,” She said quickly, like it would somehow make the situation better, “I love him, and he loves me. You can’t stop me from seeing him.” She told him truthfully, knowing that Sam probably wouldn’t like the answer. He blinked a few times, staying silent as her words sunk in around them. 

“I don’t know what to say,” He said at last as he rubbed at his eyes, like he was trying to scrub this image of her away, “This isn’t you.” He tried to tell her, his features relaxing in a remorseful way like he was blaming himself. She grew offended. 

“How do you know who I am?” She asked, trying to swallow the lump in the back of her throat, “You’ve been gone for so long. You don’t understand.” She shrugged her shoulders softly, knowing there were so many other things she could try and say. Sam just didn’t get it. 

“Understand what?” He asked quickly, looking at her curiously like he still was unable to grasp what could’ve gone wrong. She pushed her fingertips together, then apart before she shook her head. She wasn’t the same person that Sam knew. She didn’t need him in that same manner, not anymore. 

“I love Billy,” She said instead, “We’ll leave if that’s such an issue.” She didn’t mean to sound so snippy, but she meant every word. She wouldn’t pretend that everything was alright. She wrapped her arms around her stomach, wondering why she always had to be in such a messy situation with Billy. 

“Just, just lower your voice,” He held his hands out, gesturing for her to keep quiet as footsteps raced down the hallway, “This is a mess.” He said softly, more so to himself than to her. She felt her eyebrows knitting together, thinking that they had been fine in Hawkins. Sam had made them move. Even more than that, she didn’t understand why Sam was with someone like Rosemary anyways. 

“Why are you even with her?” Kim demanded suddenly, “She left Billy. She abandoned him like he was nothing.” She said at last, tears welling in her eyes as she thought about how long Billy had been hurt over the issue. Rosemary had left Billy to deal with Neil all on his own. It wasn’t fair. She didn't understand Rosemary's past, but it seemed awful to leave one of your children behind in place of the other. 

“There are things you don’t understand,” Sam defended hotly, his eyes widening a bit from his tone. He quickly softened after a second thought, “The same way I don’t understand about you two. We’ll deal with this later, okay?” His softer tone surprised her. She felt her eyebrows raising on her forehead, her stance slowly relaxing as she exhaled deeply. She'd take this over fighting again. She paused for a long time, hoping that this situation wouldn't push him over the edge like it had with Susan. 

“Are you going to tell her?” She asked at last, tilting her head as she feared what his answer would be. She wondered if she had dragged Billy all the way to San Diego just for them to be forced apart. She wondered if Max would leave with them or if she'd choose Sam. 

“No,” Sam gulped hard after a second, a look of guilt crossing his features, “Not yet. Will he even be back?” He asked a little more seriously, looking like he already knew the answer. Kim felt a frown forming on her lips. 

“Of course,” Kim answered quickly, “He wouldn’t leave me behind.” She told Sam firmly, hoping that she could reassure herself with her own words. She hoped Billy wouldn’t stay gone long, that he’d return soon. 

/////////////////

Dinner was awkward. Kim wished that she didn’t have to be down there, she had no appetite anyways although it did smell a lot better than anything Susan had ever made. Every time Rosemary opened her mouth to talk; she’d burst into wet, hot tears. Sam was at her side each time, until he finally took her back to their room.

“So,” Russell stabbed the roasted peppers on his plate, “Are you guys excited for school tomorrow?” His blue eyes were wide, curious as he looked at the two of them. Despite everything happening around them, he seemed to be excited still. Kim felt herself slumping over again as she had completely forgotten that she’d be starting school again tomorrow. She felt sick all over anew.

“Oh yes,” Max answered dryly, “I’m sure school will be so much fun.” She grumbled, beginning to pick at her food like she’d lost her appetite too. Kim sighed deeply as a homesick feeling spread through her. She wondered what Billy was doing, if he would return soon. She hoped that he might drop them off on the first day. She pushed her plate forward, unable to sit here any longer as she made her way to her room again. She thought about lying under the covers and just hiding for hours. 

“Hey, you okay?” Max asked once she pushed the door to Kim’s room open. Kim shifted her head on the pillow, nodding her head as she stared at the page in front of her again. She had read the same paragraph for what felt like the hundredth time. It still didn’t make any sense. 

“Yeah.” Kim said slowly, inhaling through her nostrils and out through her mouth. Sam and Rosemary had yet to appear again. Kim still didn’t feel sorry for Rosemary. She felt bad for Billy, hoping that he didn’t do anything stupid while he was out. She couldn’t imagine how he must’ve felt with it all being sprung on him at once. 

“I’m sorry I gave you away,” Max said softly as she curled her little body behind Kim’s. She rested her chin against Kim’s shoulder, linking their fingers together as she spoke, “I panicked.” She mumbled out an excuse. Kim closed her book, not blaming Max for anything that had happened. 

“They would’ve found out one way or another,” Kim brushed her off, “It’s not your fault.” She told her seriously. Billy and she would’ve been forced apart anyways if they hadn't found out about Susan and Neil. She supposed it was better to tell the truth than try and feign innocence. At least, she hoped it was. Sam had yet to talk to her again.

“He’s going to come back, isn’t he?” Max asked a few minutes later, confusion laced in her tone. Kim felt a frown forming on her lips, hating that everyone was questioning him. He wouldn’t just leave her; she was sure of it. 

“Of course,” Kim answered, looking back at Max worried, “He wouldn’t leave us behind.” She added softly, giving Max’s hand a soft squeeze to reassure her. Max paused for a second before a grin formed over her lips. 

“I think you mean you, not us.” Max laughed softly, like it was a fairly obvious statement. Kim felt her eyebrows wrinkling together, thinking that she was silly to deny that Billy wouldn’t have Max tag along with them. 

“Billy cares about you,” Kim grinned at her, moving her finger forward to press against Max’s tiny nose, “Whether either of you want to admit it.” Max wrinkled her nose against Kim’s finger before she shook her head, her smile diminishing as she held onto Kim’s arm. 

“I feel bad.” She admitted, sighing deeply as she rested against Kim again. Kim pushed her loose strands of hair from her face, hoping that Max didn’t blame herself for anything that had happened. 

“I do too.” Kim said softly, unsure of how to drag the conversation out. She lingered on the thought of Billy, feeling sick all over again from how badly she missed him. 

“Can we have lunch together? Tomorrow?” Max asked, her features knitted together in worry as the conversation about school was brought up again. It felt like there was a pending doom settling over the two of them. Kim felt herself growing anxious all over again, wondering if any of her old friends would remember her. She doubted it. 

“Yeah,” Kim nodded her head in agreement, “We can even eat in the library. They should let us.” She said softly, thinking that she spent a lot of time in there. She couldn’t see that their policies had changed within a year. 

“I hated school here.” Max grumbled as she turned over, letting her head rest against one of Kim’s pillows. She sighed against, spreading out her smaller legs as she pondered deeply to herself. 

“I know,” Kim said honestly, “I’m sorry you couldn’t stay.” Kim told her, feeling a little worse for Max than herself. She felt a little more upbeat, knowing that she’d at least have Max in school with her this time. Even though they wouldn’t share the same classes. 

“I’m sorry you felt like you had to come with me.” Max looked a little nervous as she spoke. She turned towards Kim, gnawing on her bottom lip, like this was somehow all her fault. Kim shook her head, thinking that she was silly. 

“Do you think I’d leave you behind?” Kim asked her seriously, wiggling a little closer so she could pull Max closer to her. She dramatically rubbed her cheek against Max’s, earning a soft giggle from the younger girl. 

“You could’ve,” Max said softly, “You probably would’ve been happy there.” She shrugged her shoulders as Kim continued to cling to her. Kim laughed softly, unsure of how happy she and Billy would’ve been with having to constantly sneak around in Hawkins. 

“There’s nothing in Hawkins, well other than mom,” Kim paused for a moment, “I would’ve only stayed for you or Billy. Now you’re both here with me.” She said, doing her best to sound a little more upbeat. She’d miss Addi, but she thought that they could still keep in contact with one another. Maybe Addi could come and visit during the holidays. 

“Unless he went back,” Max replied slowly, like she was testing how Kim would react, “Do you think he’d go back to live near Neil?” Kim furrowed her eyebrows, her lips parting as Max’s question took her completely off guard. Her heart began to pump a little faster in her chest as she took a deep breath, doing her best to calm herself down again. 

“No,” Kim answered a few seconds later, “I don’t think he’d do that.” She said at last, but this time she wasn’t sure about her answer. He had seen Neil after all. She stared up at the ceiling, wondering how things had grown so messy so fast. 

She couldn’t sleep that night. No matter how many times she tossed and turned and tried to keep her eyes shut. She was miserable as her thoughts switched between school and Billy. Not to mention this was the first night that she’d slept on her own. She was afraid she’d have another nightmare and not be able to wake this time. 

She rubbed at her eyes, sighing deeply as the sound of the door creaking open broke her from her thoughts. She sat up a bit, her heart hammering in her chest as she was greeted with a shadow.

“Fuck,” Billy cursed, roughly bumping into the door. He grumbled underneath his breath before he gently shut it. The smell of alcohol reached her nose before she was able to take in his features, “It’s fucking dark.” He mumbled, shuffling his feet forward. She looked to the clock as fury began to settle inside of her chest. 

“You left,” She told him seriously, her voice wavering as she spoke, “You said you wouldn’t leave and then you did.” She pointed out as she blinked away tears. She didn’t want to see him suddenly. He was gone for hours, and she had no clue if he was fine or not. 

“I went for cigarettes,” He looked at her in disbelief, “And beer.” He held it up, as if to make a point. She wondered how much he had already drunk. He kicked off his shoes quietly, setting his objects down on the bed before he began to strip himself down. 

“How was I supposed to know?” She asked him, “You didn’t say anything. You just left.” She breathed out in irritation. She watched as he struggled to pull his pants down, stumbling as he held onto the dresser. She sighed as she shuffled closer to him and slowly began to assist with his belt.

“Jesus,” He spit out once his jeans were down to his knees, “I just needed to clear my fucking head. We don’t have to be together all the time.” His words made her mad, because he clearly didn’t understand why she was upset. She shifted back to her side of the bed and rolled on her other side, facing away from him as she pulled the blankets up over her head. 

“Go to your room then.” She pointed out, sniffling as she hugged the remainder of the blankets to her chest. She stared at the wall again, wanting to mellow in her own dramatics. 

“Come on,” Billy sighed as he crawled onto the bed. He shifted behind her and gently began to pry the blankets off from her shoulders. He rubbed at her arms softly, “You know I didn’t mean it like that.” He said, the breath from the alcohol tickling against her nose. It didn’t bother her in a bad way. In all honesty, she found herself wanting to taste it on his tongue and drink a few of his bottles with him. 

“Whatever.” Kim managed out as she pulled the blankets up higher again. She didn’t really want to talk to him right now. She didn’t deserve to be snapped at just because he was all riled up. He huffed from behind her. 

“So you’re allowed to be mad over nothing, but I’m not allowed to be upset over my mom being fine and dandy this whole time?” He asked, his tone coming out snippy again. She felt the bubbles of anger forming in her chest again, his accusation poking her straight in the chest. 

“I didn’t say that,” She rolled back over frustrated so she could face him, “I just wish you’d realize that you’re not alone in this.” She didn’t think it was fair for him to act like she had a right to not be upset. How was she supposed to know if he came back or not?

“I like dealing with things alone.” He says briefly, looking a little surprised by her tone. She shook her head, looking at him as disbelief coursed through her veins. 

“You don’t have to anymore,” She quickly protested, feeling like she was dragging out an already dead conversation, “I can help you-” Billy’s lips descended on hers before she could further her speech. He kissed her roughly, his lips moving against hers hard as he cupped her face in his large hands. 

She kissed back just as harshly, just as passionately as she let her anger travel to meet his lips. He pried her legs apart, moving between her thighs as his tongue flicked and licked against the inside of her mouth. She inhaled the taste of him, craving the way his mouth moved urgently against hers. All of her previous thoughts and feelings were gone. All that mattered was the feeling of him against her. 

He twisted her harshly, tossing her onto her side as he roughly pulled her nightgown up over her thighs and then over her head. She gasped as he roughly tugged her body towards him, pressing her back up against his chest as his lips attacked her mouth again. He swallowed her delicate cries, humming against her lips as one of his hands began to grope her tits. 

“Want it so bad,” She breathed out, her thumb sliding against her bottom lip as she stared up at him, “Please.” She whispered in hush desperation as a vibrating flush spread over her whole body. He curved a hand down the length of her body, grinning as if he could feel the goosebumps that spread on her skin. He slowly pressed his fingertips against her sensitive clit, rubbing it softly as his blue eyes observed her flushed features. 

He watched her, his eyes holding onto her so intensely that she thought she may melt away had it not been for his grip on her. His warm nose brushed against her cheek, inhaling the scent of her as he slowly pressed his fat tip against her wet cunt. She felt a whimper falling free as she glanced down between their legs, watching as his cock slowly pressed inside of her. Her eyes stayed glued to his dick as he disappeared inside of her. She felt her lips spreading in bliss as the pleasure raced up her body. 

She moved her hand down to grip his, holding onto him for support as she stretched around his thick cock. She fought with all of her might to keep the moans hidden that were forming deep inside of her chest, fearing that she may wake up the rest of the house. Billy angled her leg a little higher over his waist, keeping her still as he pulled out until only his tip remained. A moan bubbled free as he slammed back into her, his cock already hitting against her bundle of nerves.

“Billy,” She spit out harshly, her breathing coming out in quick spurts as he continued to drag her hips up and down along the length of his cock. His hot breath coated the side of her neck as he pressed her down harder against his thick cock. She could feel every ridge, every vein as her pussy clamped down around him, “Don’t stop, please.” She begged, pleaded with him to keep moving. She needed it more than she had ever needed anything else. 

“Little slut,” Billy cursed out, moving a hand up to cup her chin tightly. He tilted her face towards him, and she inhaled the dark color in his eyes and the look of pleasure that crossed his features, “You like my cock?” He flicked his tongue against his teeth, his lips curling up into a smirk like he already knew her answer. She nodded her head as her cunt ached with need. She blinked, savoring the feeling of the way he dragged his cock in and out of her. 

“Uh huh,” She agreed, her mind feeling fuzzy as he continued to press his tip up against her bundle of nerves. He was rocking into her so hard that the side of her body she was laying on was dragging roughly against the sheets. She shifted her head a bit to keep from smacking against the headboard, “Feels so good. More, more.” She whimpered, doing whatever she could to roll her hips back against him. 

“So fucking needy,” He groaned as his lips trailed the crook of her neck. She was sure she’d have marks in the morning, but she didn’t care. All she cared about was how good Billy was making her feel, how their bodies met and molded into one, “Are you my little cock whore?” He asked again as his teeth began to lightly dig into her skin. She whimpered when his teeth finally pierced her skin. 

“Yeah,” She moaned as his lips grazed against hers. He pulled on her hair again, moving her head up closer so he could pepper more kisses along her mouth, “I’m my big brother’s little cock whore.” She confirmed, feeling a new wave of pleasure washing over her as his movements became more erratic and rougher. She felt her eyes rolling into the back of her head as her nails dug into Billy’s skin. 

He pressed her lips open, and her tongue instantly stuck out as she already knew what he was wanting. He spit once, then twice, then three times against her open mouth and tongue. She whimpered as she rolled the taste of him around her mouth, part of it dripping down the side of her cheek and onto her chest. 

“God,” He groaned loudly, bringing two fingers against her skin to wipe up the glob of spit before he was pressing it against the curve of her lips. She flicked her tongue out against it, licking the saliva away as her clit hummed with anticipation, “You little minx.” He cursed as the grip on her hips became even tighter. 

Everything felt too good as he slid two fingers into her mouth. She gleefully sucked on them, muffling her moans as she swirled her tongue around his thick digits. She brushed against his rings, soaking those with her saliva too. His grunts came out a little harder, vibrating down the curve of her neck as his thrusts became harder and harder. 

“Yes, yes,” She spit out in one breath, her cheeks burning from how warm the room had suddenly grown. She was rolling her hips back against him, pushing his cock in deeper as his heavy balls pressed against her skin, “Need it so bad, Billy. Please, please.” She was begging, unsure if it was more for her release or for his. All she knew was that it felt too good to stop. Her body was warm and fuzzy, the pleasure building deep inside of her. 

He groaned, squeezing at her chin as he continued to drag his cock in and out of her wet cunt. She licked at his thumb, slowly pulling it into her mouth to silence herself again. She sucked on it, her teeth lightly grazing his skin as the pleasure raced up her spine. He roughly moved another hand to her face, roughly tugging her by her hair so he could look at her.

“Such a nasty little girl,” He breathed out harshly against her face. She found herself sticking her tongue out on instinct, begging for the taste of his spit on her tongue, “You think you deserve that?” He grunted as he spoke, his eyes dilated and dark as he peered down at her. She nodded her head in desperation and felt her eyes widening at the feeling of his palm lightly patting against her cheek.

“Please, Billy,” She whispered again as the curve of his cock repeatedly pressed against her g-spot, his thrusts dragging her roughly against the mattress. Her fingertips curled up into a fist, yelping as the sound of her pussy squelching around him grew in the air, “I’ve been good, please.” Her voice felt raw from all of her begging, her tone several pitches higher than usual. Billy smirked, spitting this time and not caring where it landed. It coated her eyebrow, dripping down her eyelid and racing down her cheek. She whimpered, keeping her eyes shut as her toes began to curl in pleasure.

“Fuck, fuck,” Billy cursed as he reached his hand underneath her thigh and hitched it up to her chest. His thrusts became more sporadic as he brought his fingertips roughly down on her clit. She writhed, wiggling and moaning loudly as her body clenched up in pleasure, “Oh holy fuck.” He hissed between his teeth as her cunt clamped down around him.

She came with a cry, unable to speak his name as the pleasure gripped a hold of her. She shook, spasming as he held her in place with his large hands. He huffed against her neck, his teeth sinking into her skin as his hips pressed up against her backside roughly. His groans were muffled as he came, his spunk painting her walls white with his thick globs.

She laid there in his arms for a few minutes after, breathing harshly as she tried to recollect her breath. She wiped at her eye, spreading the drool messily for a moment before she finally got it cleaned off. Her body felt too warm, the back of her neck sweaty from the frenzied movements. 

He pushed her short hair on the other side of her head as he began to pepper kisses up and down the curve of her neck and her cheek. She tried to relax but was unable to do so, already knowing why he had been so frantic to get her undressed. She wasn’t mad that he was using her to forget his problems, but she did wish that he would talk to her. 

He plopped his head down on the pillow next to her, keeping his hands neatly at her sides and his softening cock still inside of her. She took a deep breath, picking up on a tension that was beginning to form in the room. 

“Kim,” He whispered softly as he moved up against her again, his fingertips beginning to trace over her skin, “Kim?” He drew out playfully, drawing out the I dramatically. She pursed her lips together, content on being bitter for a while longer. He hummed, pushing her hair off of her face before he began to blow on the sensitive area of her neck. 

“Hey,” She giggled, wiggling against him as he tickled her skin. She breathed in gently, unable to feel the chipper feeling that filled her chest, “That tickles.” She managed to speak out, her whole body feeling sensitive against his touch.

“I’m sorry,” He peppered a kiss against her neck again, his lips curling into a smile as he danced his fingertips along her soft skin, “I shouldn’t have snapped at you.” He mumbled softly as he rested his cheek against hers. She bit her lip softly.

“It’s okay,” She said at last, knowing that he still wasn’t used to being in control of his feelings. She supposed it was good that he was at least apologizing, “I know. You’re a little hotheaded.” She said at last, turning to face him with a little smile.

“I am.” He nodded at her statement, agreeing with her completely as he smiled brightly. She looked up at him, turning so she could rub her own thumb against his cheek. She still wondered where he’d disappeared to, if he had been safe. 

“I’m a little dramatic.” She added softly, watching the way his blue eyes were raging like the ocean during a strong storm. She wished she could make his hurt disappear, that she could figure out a way to fix all of his issues for him. 

“You are,” He mumbled as he pressed his thumb against her bottom lip, “You had a right to be mad. I shouldn’t have ran off but I didn’t know what else to do.” He admitted softly as he continued to trace designs into her skin. She nodded her head, accepting his words for the truth. 

“Do you want to stay here?” She asked afterwards, turning to look at him seriously. She didn’t care where they ended up, just that they were together. Sam would just have to accept that. 

“No.” Billy answered simply, his eyes soft as he observed her appearance. She shifted up a bit, wiggling enough so that his soft cock withdrew from her. She moved to the edge of the bed, already reaching for one of her bags. 

“Well let’s go,” She told him seriously as she pulled it open, “I’ll wake up Max right now and we can go. Wherever you want to go, we’ll follow.” She pushed her messy hair out of her face, still feeling a little sweaty as she tried to recall where she had placed everything. 

“No, it's okay,” He touched her wrist softly, pausing her movements as he shook his head. He moved, pushing her bag back onto the floor, “I don’t want us to be homeless.” He chuckled softly, although his lips barely curled into a smile. She looked at him curiously, moving back onto the bed so she could look at him better. She'd already explained that Sam would get them a place to stay. She tilted her head, wondering if there was something else holding him back. 

“What do you want to do then?” She asked him honestly, cupping his face again so she could look at him clearly. She ran her thumbs across his skin, wondering what was going inside of his pretty head. He paused, his eyes flickering over her features for the longest time. She rested against him, almost afraid that he wouldn’t answer her. 

“I’m just so tired,” He said at last, indeed sounding like he was exhausted, “I’m so tired of feeling.” He mentioned secondly, sounding a little more irritated this time as he spoke. She bit her bottom lip as she observed the way his eyes seemed to grow furious again, the waves inside growing larger. 

“You need to feel,” She said in confusion, unsure of why he would want to stop feeling completely, “It makes you human.” She added softly, leaning forward just enough so she could brush her lips against his. He paused, letting his forehead rest against hers as he inhaled deeply. 

“It just makes me angry.” He said, his forehead still touching against hers. She frowned, wishing there was a way to help him handle it. She wondered if being away from Neil would make things better. She hoped that it would. 

“You’ll get over that,” She promised him, “It just takes time.” She encouraged him as she gave his lips another light peck. He didn’t look convinced, but nodded his head anyway as he laid back on the bed. She joined him a second later, fumbling with the blankets until the both of them were covered. She had a lot she wanted to ask him, but she knew that now wasn’t the time. She didn’t want to overwhelm him. 

“Kim?” He asked into the night air, once the both of them were covered and resting underneath mountains of blankets. She turned towards him, blinking her eyes in the dark as she faced him again. 

“Yeah?” She asked him gently, watching the way his eyes were glued up towards the ceiling. He stayed quiet, his hands linked together over his stomach, “What is it?” She questioned him again, turning so she could face him better. His eyebrows knitted together but he continued to stay silent, like he was regretting speaking up at all. 

“Nothing,” He said after a second thought, “I’m just glad I have you.” 

//////////////

Billy was gone again by the time she awoke. She wondered how long he’d go sneaking in and out of the house until he found himself able to speak with Rosemary. She wondered how angry he was still. She was slightly disappointed but understood why he left anyway. Still, she felt like she could’ve used his morale this morning. 

“Are you ready?” Sam asked with a bright smile as he held her keys out towards her. She stared at them, keeping her hands tightly to her sides. He hadn’t said much to her this morning, but she could still see the disappointment in his eyes. He meant his word; they’d talk more about her and Billy.

“I’m driving?” She squeaked out in confusion, blinking quickly in hopes that she was wrong. She’d rather take the bus rather than try to navigate her way to school. It sent a fresh wave of nerves through her.

“Of course,” Sam smiled proudly at her, “You have a license and a car.” He pointed out, nudging the keys towards her again. She gulped, slowly beginning to hold her palm out slowly. Sam watched her curiously, like he didn't understand her hesitation. 

“Right,” Kim paused, “I don’t know how to get to the school.” She laughed nervously, hoping that would be a good enough excuse for her to not drive. She gulped hard, her throat suddenly feeling very dry. 

“Russell can give you directions,” Sam dismissed her worries, “It’s on the way to the middle school.” She felt her lips curling down as she nodded her head, suddenly glad that she hadn’t eaten that morning. She grew worried that she may have emptied her breakfast everywhere. 

“Okay,” She nodded her head, as her stomach tightened and curled into different shapes, “Shouldn’t be too bad.” Sam paused for a moment before he leaned down to kiss the top of her head. Kim breathed in harshly, unsure of how she should move. She wanted to wrap her arms around him, hold him like she was little again. Only she wasn’t little anymore.

“You’ll do great,” Sam smiled when he pulled away, “We can talk later, okay?” She nodded her head in agreement, knowing that there was no point in arguing with him. She was too anxious to even think about what Sam wanted to talk about regardless. 

Max and Russell joined her in the car a few minutes later and Kim was sure she was going to have a panic attack. She’d never had this many people in the car with her while she’d drove before. She was sure she was going to kill them all. By accident of course, but it would happen anyways. 

“Oh God,” Russell groaned as he clutched his backpack to his chest, “I’m gonna be sick.” Kim felt her eyebrows knitting together in concentration as she lifted off the brakes just a little bit, only to slam on them again as she was sure the car in front of her was going to pull out in front of her. Russell squeaked in protest. 

“Would you shut up? You’re making her nervous!” Max snapped as she turned to face Russell. She turned and quickly placed a hand on Kim’s arm, “Kim, you’re doing fine. Just don’t think of anything other than driving.” She told her sternly, like Kim had to think that way. Kim nodded her head, fighting the urge to gag from how nervous she was. 

“Right,” Kim was still nodding her head as she spoke, “I got this.” She tried to reassure herself, but it didn’t work very well. It was a long drive to school, long and painful. After dropping Russell off she eventually found a parking spot in the further place away from the school. Her and Max had to rush inside, making her heart race even harder inside of her chest. She felt sick and anxious and scared all at once.

“We’ll meet for lunch,” Max said, wiping some sweat from her forehead as Kim walked her towards her first class, “It won’t be that far away.” She said a little softer, like she was trying to reassure herself. Kim tilted her head softly, feeling bad that Max had to start all over again in a place she hated.

“You may have your own group of friends and forget about me,” Kim teased as she finally found her courage to speak, “I’ll meet you for lunch. Kim promised, giving Max a reassuring squeeze before she was walking away. 

She’d forgotten how big this school was, how it was so much easier for her to slink into the back of the classroom and disappear from everyone’s eyes. She wasn’t expected to introduce herself to the class or have any ice breakers so everyone could get to know each other better. She preferred hiding, it made it easier to keep from embarrassing herself. 

“I’m Calum. You’re Kim, right?” A boy turned towards her in her fourth period, his eyes dark and pretty. She nodded her head, her cheeks beginning to burn. He had been the first one to speak to her all day, “I bet this is different from the Midwest.” He said with a playful smile on his lips. 

“I was born here,” She mumbled, feeling her shoulders beginning to sag without meaning to, “I only lived there for like two years.” She told him awkwardly as she began to fuss over her short hair again.

“Oh,” Calum grinned at her, “I don’t remember you.” He said at last. She knitted her eyebrows together, thinking that it was a silly thing to say. This school was so big that she was almost positive she hadn’t had any classes with anyone that she had previously known. 

“S’alright,” She breathed out, “I don’t think I know you either.” She said as she glanced back towards the board. Her pencil dragged along her notebook paper as she began to copy her notes down again. She stiffened, noticing the way he scooted closer to her from the corner of her eye. 

“Shame,” He was still smiling as she turned towards him again, “I would’ve liked to have known you.” Her face burst into flames and her eyes grew several sizes too big. She sat up quickly, nearly dropping her pencil as she stammered over the right thing to say.

“I have a boyfriend.” She decided on at last, her heart beating roughly inside of her chest from the nerves that began to crawl through her body. He raised a dark eyebrow at her before he snagged his bottom lip between his teeth.

“I have a girlfriend,” He knitted his eyebrows in confusion, like he didn’t understand what the big deal was, “What’s your point?” His question surprised her and Kim felt her eyes widening even bigger if even possible. 

“Um,” Kim fought to find words, “I don’t-,'' She began to protest, tripping over her tongue for a moment. She was glad Billy wasn’t here, because she was fairly certain that he would’ve attacked Calum without asking for clarity. 

“I’m just fucking with you,” He gleamed lopsided at her, like it was a big joke, “You should’ve seen your face.” He laughed, hitting the top of his knee as he laughed at himself. Kim still felt too flushed, her pulse racing too fast to even laugh. 

///////////////

“Hey,” Max greeted, looking rather sour as she met Kim in the library, “I still hate this place.” She sighed as she stretched out in the chair dramatically. She crossed her arms over her chest as she stared up at the ceiling. Kim had a feeling that Max experiences had been the same as hers, if not worse. 

“What happened?” Kim asked worriedly as she began to eat. She felt like she was finally getting over her nerves, although she wondered if she was just hungry from her lack of appetite from yesterday and this morning. 

“I just don’t fit in,” Max grumbled in annoyance, “With any girls.” She gestured her hands out, like she was referring to everyone around them. Kim nodded her head in agreement, knowing that the cliques here were fairly bad. 

“Maybe you should try out for a sport?” Kim suggested as she thought to herself, “Maybe the athletic girls would be nicer.” She suggested, but then quickly knew that her statement was false. Cindy had been on the volleyball team and was perhaps one of the worst girls she’d ever met. She supposed you just had to find the right people. 

School dragged on after that, but Kim barely noticed as her mind was distracted with Billy the remainder of the day. She wondered what he was doing, if he was being safe. She breathed in, wondering if it was selfish for her to wish that he’d just come back. She wondered how they’d work themselves out of this sticky situation. 

“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Rosemary said as she bustled into the kitchen, “That just took me by surprise-,” She breathed in deeply as she seemed to stop herself from breaking down again, “I’m Rosemary. It’s nice to officially meet you.” She smiled brightly, mirroring Billy’s same features. Kim was a bit surprised to hear a Southern twang leaving her tongue. She didn’t recall Billy mentioning that she was from the South before. 

“I’m Kim.” Kim felt her face burn as she tripped over her tongue for a moment. She inhaled deeply as she flattened her tongue against her mouth, preparing for it to actually work this next time. 

“Sam talks very highly about you two,” Rosemary smiled as she bustled around the kitchen, “He says you want to be a teacher?” She questioned as she pulled out a mixing bowl. Kim gripped the cookie in her fingers, feeling too awkward to eat as she sat alone in the kitchen with Rosemary. 

“Yeah,” She shrugged her shoulders, “For a time.” She said softly, although that was still the goal. She didn’t know why she suddenly was acting like she didn’t want to do it. Perhaps, she wanted Sam to feel like he didn’t know her at all. 

“You’re still young,” Rosemary dismissed her gently, “You don’t need to stress over it. Did you work?” She moved onto the next few questions with a breeze. Kim watched as she began to mix ingredients together, not bothering to look at a cookbook as she did so. 

“I did some waitressing over the summer,” Kim mumbled, suddenly missing Susan, “I quit to focus on school.” She said softly as she brought the cookie up to her lips. It no longer tasted as sweet as it did the previous day. It was dry and hard, and she chewed it in her mouth. It tasted like nothing but bitter memories. 

“I see,” Rosemary smiled kindly, “Well, we have the bakery you know. On the weekends it’s all hands-on deck. You’ll get paid though; I promise.” She nodded her head encouragingly. Kim didn’t know what to think about Rosemary. She seemed so nice, too nice. She didn’t seem like the type to leave her son with her abusive husband. It was all confusing to Kim. 

“That’s alright.” She shrugged her shoulders and began to eye the trash can. She slowly began to fold a napkin together, wanting to hide the remnants of the cookie so she wouldn’t be rude. Rosemary was quiet for a moment before a look of determination grew on her features. 

“You and Billy must’ve been fairly close.” She said at last, bringing up the topic that she was truly interested in. Kim faltered for a moment, fearful that Sam had gone ahead and revealed her secret. Rosemary’s eyes held no ill will, only sadness. 

“Yeah,” Kim knitted her eyebrows together, “We’re about the same age.” She replied gently, trying to keep her answers as vague as possible. She didn’t want to give anything away. She wasn’t sure how Rosemary would react. 

“Has he tried to contact you?” Rosemary kept her eyes down this time, like she was afraid of what Kim’s answer would be. Kim dragged her tongue along the bottom of her teeth, tracing the way they moved inside of her mouth. She didn’t want to reveal anything about Billy to anyone, besides Max perhaps. 

“No,” She spoke softly as she lied, “I haven’t heard anything.” She pulled the glass of juice back up to her lips as she sipped on it, hoping that she sounded truthful. She wished her hair was longer so she could tug on it. 

“You don’t know where he’d go?” Rosemary sounded defeated as her blue eyes rose to meet Kim’s. Kim felt herself pausing, nearly feeling bad for the heartbreak that seemed to be looming inside of Rosemary’s eyes. She wondered how Rosemary would react if she knew how Billy actually felt about her. He’d burned her letter, said that he’d never forgive her. 

“Not here.” Kim replied cooly, although she was fairly certain that Billy must be with Tommy. That was the only person that Kim was sure that Billy knew. She didn’t know any of his previous friends and even then, Kim couldn’t see Billy just going up to any of them.

“Hi,” Rosemary grinned as Sam entered the house, “How was work?” She asked, smiling brightly as he walked towards her. Kim felt an odd sensation inside of her stomach as she watched Sam peck her lips repeatedly and Rosemary laugh underneath his touch. Rosemary lightly pressed against his chest, shaking her head like she was in disbelief of his actions. She didn’t think he’d ever done anything like that with Susan before.

She glanced over her shoulder towards Max who was still sprawled in the living room. She was observing them too, only her features were wrinkled up in disgust. Kim felt a smile cracking on her lips, wondering if Max was thinking the same thing or if she was too disgusted to connect the dots on how happy Sam was. 

“How was the first day of school?” Sam asked once he pulled away but left a hand around Rosemary’s waist. Kim shrugged her shoulders, wishing she could just discard her cookie in peace, “That bad?” He asked, sounding a little worried. 

“Can’t you homeschool us?” Max was suddenly in the kitchen, leaning over Kim as she rested her smaller hands on Kim’s shoulder. Kim grinned towards her, thinking that being homeschooled may not be too bad at all. 

“Hm, that would be nice,” Sam teased, “But school is important.” He nodded his head as a more serious expression crossed his features. Max grumbled next to Kim, looking quite defeated with his answer. 

“You’ve taught us more than we’ve ever learned there.” Max told him earnestly as she tried to rope Sam back in again. He grinned from ear to ear, looking a little happy with her statement. Kim had to agree, even if she still felt a little bitter towards Sam. He really had been a good teacher at one point. 

“Yeah,” Russell agreed, “School sucks ass.” He pulled his headphones down off of his head, struggling with the cord for a moment as it wrapped around his neck. Kim glanced back towards Rosemary, noticing the quick way she’d dropped the spoon. 

“Hey,” Rosemary pointed a finger towards him, “What did I tell you about using that language?” She asked him, sounding quite stern as she spoke. Kim observed her for a moment, thinking that she had a certain joyful appearance to her. She wondered how she’d been so happy without Billy. 

“You use it.” Russell grumbled as he finally fixed his headphones. Kim thought that he looked a lot like Billy as well. They had a similar nose, dark eyebrows and bright blue eyes. Kim wondered if Billy’s hair would be as long as Russell’s had Rosemary not left him. 

“I’m your mother and I’ll do what I want,” She told him sternly, “Speaking of you need to start on your homework.” She dismissed him suddenly, just like that. Kim turned towards Sam, who was still holding onto Rosemary. She tried to think if Sam and Susan had ever acted like this. She was certain that they barely spoke to each other. It made her feel guilty suddenly as she wondered if she'd end up ruining his relationship with Rosemary. 

“I just got home.” Russell protested but stood anyway. Sam raised an eyebrow, turning towards Russell like he expected him to complain more. Kim felt her heart dropping to her stomach, wondering how much better Russell knew Sam. 

“No whining,” Rosemary dismissed him, “Homework and then video games. That goes for you two as well.” Rosemary motioned towards the two girls. Kim took that as her opportunity. She rose slowly, looking towards Sam as she waited for him to speak to her again. 

“Later.” He said softly, his brown eyes gentle before he turned away from her. She chewed on her bottom lip as she turned away, wishing that she had just left in the night with Billy. 

[hargrove-mayfields]

It’s Thanksgiving. Hawkins is still split in half, but hey, gotta stop and celebrate the little things, right?

Argyle isn’t feeling it. He misses his tia’s cooking. Joyce is a nice lady and all, but her turkey-

Wait, he’s supposed to be mad at her. He is mad at her, at all of them. He’s pissed actually.

But really, he’s devastated.

Even if the turkey wasn’t dry as a bone, he wouldn’t be eating it. He doesn’t have the stomach for it. The grief inside him takes up too much room.

Mrs. Byers catches on, after the first round of everyone else’s food is all cleared out and there’s some of little Byers’ little friends pawing for more. She asks him, “Argyle, honey. What’s wrong?”

Argyle isn’t the type to start shit, but if she’s going to ask, he wouldn’t mind airing it out.

“Talked to little red this morning.. Why didn’t nobody tell me my best friend was dead?”

They look confused. Mrs. Byers puts one of her always warm hands on top of his, and tries to force on a smile, “Argyle, nothing like that happened. We’re all still-“

He’s got to cut her off or he might feel something for her motherly concern. Not now. Not after what he’s been through for these people, “Nope. I went to the cemetery with red. Had to.. had to carry her on her wheels up to him. ‘Cause the path is too covered in grass. I sat at his grave for hours, man. Don’t tell me that didn’t happen.”

Still just faces of confusion. Funny how they treat him like he makes no sense. Someone dies for these people and they can’t even think of his name?

“Maybe you just need to relax..” He’s especially hurt when Jonathan tries to shut him down like that. That’s what broke him really. Makes him get a little louder, and a lot closer to spilling tears like salt water.

“Nah, I haven’t smoked for days, man. That’s what me and him used to do. I can’t just- I can’t..!”

Argyle has to stop there. He’s shaking so bad all the empty plates and glasses on the extra-long table are rattling. A bowl of mashed potatoes threatens to spill all over the leaf-patterned tablecloth. It all sounds like a chorus of souls as anguished as his. Reminding him of the root of his rage.

“Look, if I ever see that Neil Hargrove again, man, I will totally break my vow of peace. That.. shithead ruined everything.” A few faces of realization hit. Yeah. That’s what he’s talking about. And he needs them all to know how serious it was, “Billy had a car. He had big money saved up. We found his madre. Shit was gonna be okay… And then they left. 2,000 long miles away to their deaths.”

Little Jane reaches across the table to him, but Argyle can’t accept her hand. It’s not her fault and he doesn’t want her comfort. It’s not anybody's fault. How could they know he knew Billy?

But.. how could they leave him out too? When they told all their stories about what happened.. they never mentioned his name. He was just someone’s brother. And then he saw Max for the first time in her wheelchair, and he just knew it was bad news.

“My best friend is a goner and I never even got a chance to tell him that I love him. Life is majorly fucked.”

The wall decorations, the napkins, even Joyce’s sweater all say ‘Be Thankful.’ Argyle loses it. There’s big, heavy tears on his face now. He’s got nothing to be thankful for. He’s got nobody without Billy.

He looks around, at the dozen or so people in the room, and he feels by himself.

A sob wracks his chest, “I’m all alone, you know. Even here, I’m just all alone.”

~~~

Nobody had said another word to him when he got up and left the Byers rental. They all knew where he was going: the cemetery gate was left open for holiday mourners.

Climbing the hill is easier now that Max told him the way. Easier because he doesn’t have to keep his cool either this time. It’s just him and the rock in the place of his childhood best friend turned soulmate.

“Hey, hey mister blue sky.”

The ground is wet with freshly fallen and then melted snow, but Argyle doesn’t think twice before he’s sitting criss-cross-applesauce right in front of that grave. He reaches out and brushes off a stray wet leaf from Billy’s stone, and he sighs.

“I have had one hell of a day, man. You wouldn’t believe this shit.”

“Wish I could tell you about it for real.” Billy always listened to him so deeply. That kid would’ve sat there and listened to a fucking Shakespeare recited solely by Argyle. All he ever wanted was a friend. Argyle too. They were a match made in the closest thing to heaven the California shores had to offer, the boardwalk.

“I wish you could tell me everything that happened to you too. Never got to hear it straight from you.”

The wind rustles the leaves. It’s a sound Argyle will probably never get used to. Nothing like the Cali waves. For a minute he thinks about that being Billy communicating with him, but the Billy he knew would never leave his spirit in a place like this. He’s gotta be somewhere far, far from here. Argyle prays for that to be true everyday.

“Maybe you like the quiet. Maybe you wouldn’t want to tell me, I don’t know.”

It’s pretty damn freezing out. Joyce told him about some weird Midwestern wives tale, that if you sat out in the snow too long, you’d catch a cold and live forever. He just wants to be wherever all the noise isn’t.

“Sounds peaceful.”

Hours could pass just like this. Maybe he’d freeze and they’d find him here. What would they say?

They don’t know about Billy and Argyle. About holding hands under the water after dark.

They don’t know about the ice cream on their noses, and the cherry between Billy’s smiling pink lips on their first date.

They don’t know about the shy kisses. The gentle touches. The fear of falling in love.

But they were just kids. How could he know that’s would be all he ever had to hold on to, for the rest of his time?

“You know what I’m thinkin’?- I got it all figured out now, blue sky- I think you’re happy.”

He’d like to hope so. The sky is pretty blue today, despite the weather.

“You don’t gotta answer to anybody. You’re just on your own. Like me. Only that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

Shit, he’s crying again. Billy would be so mad to see him beat down like this. He was supposed to be the bright one, to dry up the tears with rainbow colored sleeves. Nothing could’ve broken him as bad as this.

“You just weren’t free up here.”

Surviving almost feels worthless now. Argyle needs Billy like the tide needs the moon. Bound together, never changing. Never moving on. Working in perfect synchronization.

Always loving.

“Hey. Wherever you are.. I’m thankful that you’re surfing your own wave now.”

The sun’s going down now. Instead of warm blues and pinks and yellows, it’s all gray. How quickly things change. All dreary. Argyle’s kidding himself if he thinks that’s something to be thankful for.

Whatever makes him feel better, because it’s going to be a long, long time before he has Billy in his arms again.

“I love you, blue sky. Thanks for being my guy… I’ll catch you later.”

[oboes-bos-hoes]

The byler brainrot is real and taking over, so let me share some lyrics from my fave songs that give me byler vibes

links for the songs will be at the end of the post

"Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down, when they do, I'll be right behind you" - Everybody wants to rule the world by Tears for Fears

(this is gonna be a long post)

"I'd die at the thought of the loss of your heart" - Love is reason by a-ha

"I'd never mean to hurt you, baby, I'm not that kind of man; I might not say I'm sorry, yeah, I might talk tough sometimes, and I might forget the little things, or keep you hanging on the line" - I'd die for you by Bon Jovi

"Something happens and I'm head over heels, I never find out until I'm head over heels" - Head over heels / broken by Tears for Fears

"I've done all I can do, all the letters I've sent through; put my life in the palms of your hands, maybe now you can see, that it's got to be me, but if you leave me, I'll understand" - You are the one by a-ha (THIS LINE IS LIKE. SO MIKE WHEELER CODED??)

"Turn in my sleep, a bad dream is over, think of you and shall I ever recover?" - I want to wake up by Pet shop boys

(fun fact, the lead singer of pet shop boys, Neil Tennant, is gay :D)

(this means theres gonna be a lot of songs from them in here bc gay boi in the 80s??) (also they r my fav band/pop duo(?) so. )

'It's mad, to be in love with someone else, when you're in love with he, she's in love with me, but you know as well as I do I can never think of anyone but you" - I want to wake up by Pet shop boys (this is kinda jumbled but if u kind of like. pretend that it makes sense for byler then it makes sense so go away)

"To fall in love, is it so uncool?" - I want to wake up by Pet shop boys ("i'm not.. gonna fall in love")

"Every time I see you something happens to me, like a chain reaction, between you and me, my heart starts missing a beat" - Heart by Pet shop boys

"If I didn't love you, I would look around for someone else, but every time I see you, you have the same effect, my heart starts missing a beat, my heart starts missing a beat, every time" - Heart by Pet shop boys

"Every time I see you, no matter what we do, there's a strange reaction, can you feel it too?" - Heart by Pet shop boys

"I don't care whether it's wrong or right, I want a lover tonight" - I want a lover by Pet shop boys

"Put your arms around me, it doesn't mean you love me, just that you want me and you need my company" - I want a lover by Pet shop boys (ok Micheal we get it, its just a hug)

"I'll never let you see, the way my broken heart is hurting me, I've got my pride and I know how to hide all my sorrow and pain, i'll do my crying in the rain" - Crying in the rain by a-ha (i'll do my crying in the van rain)

"And you think love is to pray, but I'm sorry I don't pray that way" - Tainted love by Soft Cell

"But now you're leaving... How many hearts must you break? How many calls must I make? But now you're leaving... In this world, all that I choose has come unbearable, but love is in your touch, ooh, it's killing me so much, only when you leave I need to love you" - Only when you leave - Spandau ballet

"Yeah she's my man" - She's my man by Sigue Sigue Sputnik (mike wheelerr) (i'll let u figure this out, i dont wanna try make a whole point here)

"You always wanted me to be something I wasn't" - What have i done to deserve by Pet shop boys (everytime i hear this lyric i get so sad)

welp that is it for noowww but feel free to reblog with ur fav byler coded lyrics :)

SONG LINKS:

ONLY 10 AUDIOS PER POST?????? WHY?? THATS SO DUMB WTF TUMBLR

last one is She's My Man by Sigue Sigue Sputnik

[mourntheantagonist]

I know I said I wouldn’t talk about taylor swift on this blog anymore but this is about billy so I am breaking the promise for just a second.

I have been listening to “the great war” on repeat and there is no universe you can convince me that it’s not about billy and max, specifically about everything following the fight at the byers, with “the great war” being their home life.

the songs opens with

my knuckles were bruised like violets, sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep talked

we all have our theories of the aftermath of the byers fight, but the consensus lies somewhere with billy ending up getting punished because he didn’t get max, and billy putting the blame on max. billy’s knuckles were bruised from the fight, he’s beaten down and angry, and he’s cursing max because in his eyes, all the blame falls to her.

the second verse begins

you drew up some good faith treaties, I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone

it also appears that the consensus is that tensions between max and billy started to settle after this moment, with max standing up to him and the two of them finding themselves in some sort of truce. however, the problem of neil was still a problem, and it was likely max continued to do things to get billy into more trouble. I think this likely led to billy isolating himself. we see beer cans scattered all over his room and it’s not unlikely that he was using alcohol (poison) to self medicate.

also going back to max’s actions having negative consequences for billy, the following line goes

you said I have to trust more freely, but diesel is desire, you were playing with fire

max is playing with fire whenever she rebels, except the difference is that she’s not the one at risk of being burned. billy ends up with the blame and the punishment, so of course that’s going to lead to some type of resentment.

and maybe it’s the past that’s talking, screaming from the crypt, telling me to punish you for things you never did, so I justified it

I don’t think max is aware of how her actions are affecting billy because she had already made up her mind on the kind of person billy is. I think she realizes eventually how neil is weaponizing them to fight with each other.

It’s clear there’s something that happened in california that they both blame each other for. billy blames max for his life being uprooted, and that paired with the fact that her actions disproportionately harm him, he’s misplacing the blame for his abuse onto max, and truly believing he’s justified in it because to him what she’s doing is just as bad.

now the song seems all doom and gloom for the siblings until you get the hopefulness from the choruses.

all that bloodshed, crimson clover, uh huh, the bombs were closer, my hand was the one you reached for all throughout the great war

always remember, uh huh, the burning embers, I vowed not to fight anymore, if we survived the great war

despite their volatile sibling relationship full of mistrust and resentment, they are able to understand each other on a level nobody else can. they are both experiencing what it’s like to live as a child in their home, and I think at the end of the day, deep down they both truly care about each other.

we actually know this. the show tells us this with how max reacts to billy’s possession in season three, and billy’s pleading to max, reaching out to her for help (because maybe she’s the only one who has ever tried to help him)

they count on each other in a weird way. they don’t trust each other, yet in “the great war” they wouldn’t call on anyone else for help.

i think that eventually, if having been given the chance, they could’ve mended their relationship and worked together instead of against each other, and their story could have had the ending that the song gives us.

there’s no morning glory it was war it wasn’t fair, and we will never go back to that bloodshed, crimson clover, uh huh, the worst was over, my hand was the one you reached for all throughout the great war

always remember, uh huh, we’re burned for better, I vowed I would always be yours, ‘cause we survived the great war

sorry if this isn’t very well thought out, I just needed to express my thoughts cause I think the song just captures the nature of their sibling relationship so well—enemies with an even bigger enemy in common.

anyway, go listen to the full song if you want to break your brain like I have.

[mrsrcbinscn]

Playlist for Reba! @straythisway

A playlist for Reba trying to make it in Nashville

I. If Only You Played Football As Well As You Play Girls - Maggie Antone

If only you played football as well as you play girls You may not be on the bench Thinking you're the only one in this world

It's giving...a song she'd maybe write in high school.

II. 979 - Ryann Elise

I'm headed for the city full of neon lights, I gotta chase that dream

She left her small town for the city!

III. New Strings - Miranda Lambert

And I'll grab the wheel and I'll point it west Pack the good and leave the rest I'll drive until I find the missing piece

It's giving lil Reba going to the city to have a music career!

IV. Cheap Seats - Emily Scott Robinson

Half way through a busy night I get a song idea to write And I slip out back to get the chorus down Now table twenty-eight is complainin' about the wait And my manager just shakes his head and frowns

For when she's working shitty server jobs that she hates just becaise she needs to pay rent while really she just wants to be an #artist

V. What Else Can She Do - Kaitlin Butts

She left the country with big city dreams running wild in her mind Looking for love or adventure or anything else she could find But her small town pretty didn't play in the city too well And the life that she thought would be heaven now feels more like hell

For when she's having second and third thoughts about leaving home for the city! It's hard out here!

VI. Stay In Your Lane - Bronson Diamond and Greta Stanley

Ꮃe were talkin' Ƴou were talkin' so loud Ⲓ could barely hear the band

Ꮃe were drinkin' Ƴou were drinkin' so fast Ⲓ'm surprised you could even stand

It's giving a song Reba would've written for the Singin' Strays and sung with the male vocalist! It's a witty duet, 10/10 song!

VII. This Town Gets Around - Margo Price

Now the very first manager I ever had He was old enough he could have been my dad He took me out for drinks and talked a big talk He said, "darling sign on the dotted line You know, "kiss my cheek and drink this wine But if you walk on me, then you can just walk

It's about sexism in the industry, how hard it is to be a woman, to not be a nepo-baby, it's quality content

VIII. Letters on the Marquee - Vincent Neil Emerson

Well they ran out of letters on the marquee They can't spell my name

When you're a newcomer and the least important name, catch them spelling it R3ba Str@y on the marquee, for real :/

IX. Fly On The Wall - Jake Worthington and Lauren Watkins

I wanna be a fly on the wall So I could learn how to not run you off And I wanna see how she fits in your arms Does she sleep in the bed that used to be ours? Oh, do you tell her that you love her? When you say it, do you mean it? Or do you treat her like you treated me? Like a fly on the wall

This is another great duet song that could've been one of hers! But also wow, WAS she dating her fellow singer of the band? Who knows :eyesemoji: so it this a good song that's made her money or her story lol

X. Ten Year Town - Hailey Whitters

I'm twelve years into a ten year town I'm too far in to turn around Too old to go back to school Won't be much longer, I'll be old news I thought I'd be a big star now I'm twelve years into a ten year town

For fifteen minutes of fame Somebody says your name on the TV Or back of a CD Waitin' tables another month Waitin' on that break to come All it's ever done is break my heart

Nashville may be known as Music City to most, but to those in the music industry, it's the "10-Year Town." While overnight successes can happen, for most creatives, it's a slow and steady climb if you climb at all — and in Nashville specifically, the story often goes that it takes a decade before catching that big break, but much longer than that, you're kinda SOL, you're old news.