#NOT EVEN IN MY SLEEP I AM LEFT ALONE
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you don’t understand I woke up from a dream where Oliver shared a video of Ryan without the mustache and said “soooo… this is my work husband” with particular emphasis on the word husband and then he zoomed on Ryan’s upper lip until they both broke down into laughter and Ryan ended up leaning on his shoulder in such a cozy way?????
#NOT EVEN IN MY SLEEP I AM LEFT ALONE#911 abc#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#911 on abc#oliver stark#ryan guzman#i honestly don't know#my brain works in mysterious ways#chances are it doesnt work at all#im tired i hate this show#im lying#im losing my mind#they are work husbands tho
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#can’t sleep and i’m having a rly hard time eating and i’m just so fucking busy#and i was like i’m not even rly stressed out why am i having such a hard time rn— oh i’m not feeling secure.#hil.txt#and it’s not like. normal ‘oh i’m worried about how i’m going to dress and be perceived’ it’s like ‘my partner in this mission is going#rogue and i’m being left alone to make sure the ship stays on course and i’m tired’ kind of insecurity#BC IM NOT ACTUALLY STRESSED AT ALL ABOUT THE NEXT MONTH BUT DAD KEEPS PULLING SHIT ON ME AND IM FEELING ALOOOONE WITHOUT BEING ALOOOONE#anyway. zayne from love and deepspace will save me. trust.
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me: how about...natori contracting some kind of youkai illness & matoba finding out about it & showing up to his set & natori dragging him off to his trailer bc it would be bad for his sparkly reputation to make the angry faces he feels coming on in front of his coworkers & matoba offering to help but in that smarmy condescending way that raises natori's hackles so he refuses but unfortunately he doesn't know how to cure it so matoba just keeps showing up every day & natori keeps carting him off to the trailer every time & being suuuuper cagey when people ask him who his visitor is & what if his coworkers get the wrong idea & matoba is fully aware of this & what if one day in the trailer natori reluctantly agrees to let matoba help him & matoba's like okay fine off with your shirt i gotta paint this spell circle on your bare chest & what if he's in the middle of doing that when they hear somebody opening the door to the trailer & obviously they don't want anyone to know what they're actually doing in there bc youkai-exorcist confidentiality so matoba's like no worries i got this & he KISSES NATORI omg classic kiss-as-misdirection trope & the person at the door is like whoops my b carry on gentlemen & after they've left natori is like wtf matoba????? & matoba's like well it's what they all thought we were doing anyway & your mouth was right there & it allowed me to cover the writing on your chest with my body & also you kiss people for a living so i figured it wouldn't be too complex for you & your part-time exorcist training to handle & natori recovers admirably quickly & is like WELL for your information that was a TERRIBLE kiss & no one is gonna buy that i professional makeout artist natori shuuichi would be swapping saliva with somebody on the reg without any of my considerable skill rubbing off on them & matoba's like so what do you propose we do about it & natori's like obviously i have to teach you how to kiss in case they come back -
the bedtime story fairy who thought this was gonna be an easy assignment: please just go to sleep im begging u have mercy ur brain cells are dying
#my other bedtime imagine also features misunderstandings in natori's trailer/dressing room but this time it's established relationship#natori and his costar are in his trailer practicing a kiss & matoba comes in & thinks natori is CHEATING 😲#& packs up & goes back to the matoba estate & natori's calling him daily like i LITRALLY dk what i did wrong...miss u baby...#but also tell me what i did wrong u asshole!! you just left & didn't even tell me if/when you're coming back! wtf!!!#and eventually matoba comes home & they talk & natori's like mkay well first of all kissing that lady is my literal job that pays me#but i understand that it upset you bc we were alone in my trailer & looked startled to be interrupted. hey i know#why don't you come with me to set & you can see just how incredibly unsexy these practice sessions are?#so matoba accompanies him & it's literally just natori & his costar like calculating exact face tilt angles & figuring out#their precise height differential during the scene in question based on the shoes she'll be wearing & testing out ideal#degree of mouth openness & choreographing switching sides of the face to correspond to the movement of the camera#(bc obviously it's one of those epic 360-degree shots with the swelling orchestral score and w/e 🙄)#& figuring out where they should put their hands & whether it makes sense for them to be smiling at this point in their arc &c &c#& matoba starts like observing them from multiple angles & critiquing their technique & giving pointers to the costar#& grabbing natori's chin & bodily arranging his limbs like a mannequin & showing the costar the best ratio of lip give to firmness#by demonstrating with his own lips on natori's lips. & so on & so forth. meanwhile#the sleep i am forgoing in favor of having these thoughts is something i will NEVER get back.#natsume's book of friends#horrible exorcists#f#my posts#i am such a clown to watch one of the sweetest and most poignant shows i have ever seen and for what?#to get fixated on imagining ways to get these chuckleheads to smush their mouths together? unbelievable.#like these scenarios barely (if at all) have anything to do with what makes them so fascinating as characters. i just want them to Kiss#idk though i do feel like their first kiss has to be some sort of dare or 'accident' or w/e like these weirdos can't just KISS each other!#who does that! have you heard of a little thing called pride and invulnerability and plausible deniability!!!!#but i also completely imprinted on this one established relationship fic i read last year so sometimes i just skip ahead#to the kinds of misunderstandings and shenanigans and conflicting priorities they could get up to as a couple#i guess i just want the fact that natori is famous for kissing people to be Matoba Seiji's Problem in some way or another#is that so much to ask#(i also CLEARLY imprinted on a fic in which natori teaches matoba to kiss at a bar?? i should reread that one)
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vent.
#im jobless a uni drop out and broke and i live with my parents at age 22 and cant drive every decision i make has to go thru my parents i ha#ve no friends i can reach out to and im severely depressed and my ed is coming back lmaoooooo#im also trapped in my own home been rejected from jobs left and right way behind on my big girl tasks andi am also just so so alone and unsu#re of yhe futurr Nd like near tears and sleeping all the time and i dont have any hobbies since i dropped art like 5 years ago and im also#stupid and a lying to everyone that im fine and nothing makes me happy and even shopping i cant think of anythjng id like to buy but even#then i just feel guilty bc im brokeeeee#i just feel all so numb to it all like i was really gonna buy some diet pills even tho ik theyre bad but like aaaaaaaaaaa#and i feel useless
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one more day... going to be home by the end of the day tomorrow if all goes well... i am ready to start chewing on cement to be perfectly honest
#its bad fjdksls its been Bad. but by god i am making it through#i do not even have it in me to make any jokes abt it like. i am at the very last strand of the end of my rope#but !!! i will be sleeping in my own bed tomorrow night!!!#and will be free from spending every waking moment around these people!!!!#and then i can draw as much Guz as I want without worrying about ppl seeing and being shitty abt it !!! thank god !!!#they are making me hate my art and not want to draw any more and i think thats the worst part of this whole ordeal tbh#im not even showing them anything... they just look over my shoulder or whatever. like wtf just leave me alone 😭😭#anyhowdy. i just need to keep floating thru these next 24ish hours and then I can collapse and recover#also i haven't been able to find anything good for purchases... I've only spent $20 this whole trip fhfkdl#two pairs of socks and a notebook bc i left my notebook at home...#i was hoping to maybe find some beetle themed jewelry and/or a locket but I've found NOTHING !!! disappointing smh#we went to edmonton mall and everything... I FOUND NONE !!!#dandy.cmd#vent //#abuse cw#just in case fjdkdl
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sorry, halsey — hopeless fountain kingdom.
#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#it kind of surprises me just how much content there is out there about being afraid of intimacy but then again-#i have heard that that is supposedly one of the most common fears that people have apparently. so yeahhh but of course i do mean emotional-#intimacy here and oh my goshhh. i never realized just how sad parts of this song were until i listened to it again.#'i run away when thing's are good and never really understood the way you laid your eyes on me in ways that no one ever could#i hate to say it BUT that is so misao. she really does feel sooo unlovable sometimes and she has this 'leave them before they leave you'-#mentality that is so saddening to have TBH but i understand why she has it. her childhood kind of left her broken in a way i think-#in ways that can't be easily explained as it was very nuanced and complicated. but GAHHH that doesn't stop me from wanting misao-#to find at least some kind of love from people 😭 like she needs at least one friend or something that she can depend on bc i feel like-#that would really help her and being in a house alone all the time whenever she's not at work can not be good for her psyche.#so petition to get misao a friend or two? JSJSJ nahhh but i am legitimately being serious at this point#she needs someone who'll stick with her through thick and thin and will be understanding of the fact that she's got unresolved trauma so-#that partially causes her to be hyperindependent but i firmly believe that she needs people just as much as anyone else.#maybe more in fact but IDK#and the fact that in this song halsey says that she still knows facts about them even though she hasn't talked to them-#in forever? i'm WEEPING AHHH#that is so like misao as well sadly. she would literally take little notes as to what thing's people like to reference later if she had a-#friend because she 'doesn't want to get it wrong' whenever she gets them a present she says but it's really so that she doesn't forget-#how precious this person is to her and how she wrote down all of their favorite things as a result.
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Tw animal death tw suicide attempt tw no sé ya a la verga this is too much I just need to tell anything to anyone
The second anything starts looking better everything comes fucking crumbling down one of the cats my father practically forced into being """""outdoors"""" cat without even having a fucking backyard door is fucking dying of kidney failure he hasn't eaten or gone outside since yesterday morning he literally only wants to be around us because he's in so much fucking pain and I want to fucking die my father keeps screaming at me over every little fucking thing and screaming about leaving the house and we're barely getting by with all three of them working full time my little sister almost took her life two fucking days ago and I only found out bc i woke up with her crying after puking out all the shit she took she hasn't even been to the fucking doctor she's only going today because of a fucking cold one of the little cats keeps shitting herself into oblivion because we can't make her stop eating her own shit I want everything to end I want everything to end so fucking bad I don't know what to do anymore I just keep getting worse and worse and everyone's mad at me my sister's worse every day and I cannot even apologize because it'd be worth nothing because I'm so fucking ill I can't even remember her I don't know what to do anymore my little baby keeps posting suicidal shit too I'm fucking powerless in the middle of everything I can't even leave the fucking house without fear paralyzing me I can't do this anymore
#i dont know what to do anymore this isnt even a cry for help I can't even cry in front of them anymore I'm literally#at my wits end I can't even ask my friends for help ive been#ignoring them so much because i genuinely cannot deal with myself anymore and i can't bring myself to tell them anything I can't hold a#conversation anymore everything everyone says and does does nothing but bury the fucking knife in the wound im never graduating im#never gonna live a better life and at this fucking rythm im gonna be left all alone before this decade ends im so fucking scared#how did everything get so bad why is everyone leaning on me why cant anyone tell how bad it is why does everyone stops at listening why can#even my fucking parents try to do something im a fucking 20+yo sleeping three times a week showering every god knows how long how in#gods fucking earth can this be acceptable in anyones eyes why am i the one holding everyones weight i dont know what to do anymore#god fucking help me if this baby dies on me while im alone im afraid of what could happen im just so fucking scared of everything#vent#personal
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#my dad left physically and emotionally#my mom never left physically but i think she left emotionally#im all alone and confused and scared and ill always be a fucked up pathetic child#just let me die. why am i even alive#i do nothing i am no one fucking#let me offff#i want out of this existence i cant take being awake or conscious anymore like stoppppp i cant even sleep anymore#idk where to turn#but also.. humanity and society are a fucking joke so there isnt rlly anywhere to turn#i just lost the lottery that is life so just let me fkn die nd stop
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"Non farlo piangere" girl he literally cries in his mother's arms when he's trying to fall asleep because he gets frustrated when he can't and now I'm making him cry???????????????
#i don't understand how they see this child thing#he's a child. he cries. sometimes he cries for things you have to say no about#like you must say no. why is it so hard for you to understand it and most importantly why the HELL am I the one who's somehow behaving#like the mother when she's not around#I'm so pissed off about this situation Imma scream one day#again. i love my nephew more than my honestly unworthy life for what I'm doing with it#but I'm 23 and i never asked to be a mother and i just want to do my things and have like a little corner for myself#and to be left alone for 5 minutes#which can't happen apparently bc I can't even go to the bathroom without my mother going 'let's see what auntie is doing!'#gurl what do you think I'm doing???????#I'm so fucking tired#and once again why the hell does he have to sleep here tonight when his father is perfectly able to take care of him#i swear if i were to see him once a week I'd be more than happy but every day gets exhausting#and in the middle of it all i also have to listen to my mother scold me for no reason. no one ever says 'oh thank you'#jesus christ#I'll never EVER have children btw#and i hope I don't fall in love with a cis man because if this is how they are I'm very tempted to commit a murder rn#I'm tired out of my mind bc me and my mother had to cook and clean the whole house for tomorrow. do you think#my father raised a single finger despite knowing we needed a hand?#fuck them when i get financially stable enough to leave they'll see me once a year#if they're lucky#again. I can't have my therapist tell me all this things which i start to think about daily and leave me on my own for a whole week#bc then i go insane#sorry I'll prob delate this later#rant#i realize now the post doesn't make sense without context but i was trying to make him sleep and he cried a little#like he. always does btw but somehow today it was my fault
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I have had the overwhelming urge to write so much the past week but my job switched me to mornings and I am so 😡😡😡 angry because I am excited to write so much but the second I get home I collapse and do nothing I want to write so fucking bad but instead I am!!!!!! Sleepy!!!!!!!
#it is literally a matter of having the energy to sit up straight and type#like I am formulating prose in my head#but actually typing it out is taking way more energy than I have#I’ve been lucky to get a page a night if even that (tonight it was about three paragraphs)#uuuggghhhh I’m pretty sure I suffer from some form of chronic fatigue in general given how exhausted I constantly am#no matter how much I sleep#but this abrupt schedule change did NOT help nor does the fact that it happened right after holidays where all my free time was spent#traveling and just on the go constantly#so I never even got the chance to actually recover from THAT before this started#I swear I need a week to literally just be left alone and not even contacted by another living soul#just to physically and mentally rest and recover before I’m like… semi-functional#how to explain to ppl I care about that yes… I like spending time with them…. but also do NOT fucking ask me to do anything for like a month#idfk I’m so tired and it’s Officially interfering with my hobbies which bring me a great amount of joy so I’m PISSED#kaz rambles
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Arf
#It's 🤌 the sudden realization living alone is terrible for you#My mom visited and left this morning#I was feeling so great even stopped having insomnia (that i had non stop since august)#(Btw you never realize how tired you are until you sleep soundly for 4 days and feel Normal again)#The weather is probably helping too but thats not just that#And now im alone again in the house and the minute she left i felt i was starting to drift again#Im a freelancer#I work from home so i dont even have work relationships#And depression really fuels itself like if i start being tired again if it stop sleeping again#I will be too tired to go out and i will remain Isolated#Which is pretty much what happened since august#I literally dont know how to form Solid relationships too and not just like having a nice chat with people i'll see once or twice#It's terrible bc i am Not as depressed as before so i am perfectly aware of the tools i can use and i remember feeling so strong#When i was declared 'healed' a few months back. Like it was true and i was about to seize the opportunity#But it was like; snatched from me and it IS even more depressing somehow. It was just here you know?#Idk; idk. I hope i'll keep sleeping so i can go out at least but i am really feeling hopeless and uuuh#Ill-fated?#To the point im on the verge of crying#EDIT WRONG BLOG not that it matters i just wanted to get it off my chest#Adding this too - i immediately started bad habits again. Like playing games in the evening. Bc what else is there to do when you cant '#'Parallel play' with your mom in the living room? Chill while shes watches a show#?#Just chat with her (or anyone else)?#I have no interest in watching tv on my own i just wouldnt focus except if im 200% into it#So being alone in the living room is at best boring at worst anxiety inducing. Im just there. Waiting for something#So before it becomes unbearable i hurry nack to my bedroom and check my phone or go on a game#See what i mean?
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despite being a sweetheart to my core my mental illnesses convince me i am unlovable and deserving of as many painful punishments and tests that the universe can give me
#i love you sleep well#im so sensitive and its 100% a me problem but i really do spiral over texting tones being slightly 'off' or being left alone w my thoughts#for long enough to where i am certain i will be abandoned so i grow cold#like Okay....gurl..#im in therapy dw i have been since i was a child and im actually getting the treatment i need now but its so laughable#this doesnt even scratch the surface of how unhinged i am capable of being.#i have made myself physically Sick for DAYS because i was not told before bed
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It's struggle through autism symptoms hours
#being dx as an adult really is just a coin toss of ''will i be okay today or will i be existentially and emotionally ruined''#was thinking about touch and how much i dislike it and it finally sort of settled home that like#i will not be living the life i imagined#i imagined one day i will be okay being single and unnattractive and i will care for myself#how am i supposed to be hopeless romantic and touch repulsed#how can i ever EVER even slightly hope to find someone who will be into me. like. lmfao it is a cruel joke#i am fat and unattractive. i am asexual and touch repulsed. i have autism and adhd and am completely unmedicated.#my own mother is too embarrassed by me to accept these things let alone not be ashamed of them#i can look past the visual and personality shit. like yeah whatever lets pretend someone is into me.#i do not want to have sex. i do not want to be touched. i do not want to kiss or be lovey dovey.#and i realize what's left is just literally ''a friend'' but what about all this fucking romantic yearning i seem to be full of#idk. i know the answer to this im just trying to ignore it i guess#all this escapism and yearning and dreaming is just to pretend that one day i will be a different person living a different life#but i want to live with someone. i want someone to sleep in my bed. i want someone to wake up and make breakfast with#i want someone who cares about me to be in the house when i get excited about something and need to tell someone#i don't want to be alone#i want to be near someone who makes me feel like i'm not a freak. someone who doesn't ever give me That Look#if ur autistic you know the look im talking about. the confusion the irritation the ridiculousness of it#i want to feel like i will always be someone's first choice. i want to know what it's like to trust someone with every part of me#and it will never happen because i cannot stand to be fucking touched#if i was just asexual i could manage. but i cannot touch#does this get better? will this improve if i meet someone i trust? i want to die#the only (ONLY) thing i think i can even remotely provide is creativity#and im good at it. i can write well and i have good ideas amd i know generally what im doing#but with school and work i just do not have the time to work on my wips#and i don't know how long i can fucking take it#i am doing nothing. i am giving nothing and taking so so fucking much#i know i don't have to work to deserve to live but jesus christ. what am i fucking doing#i don't have time but its the only thing i have to live for and i don't know how much longer i can live like this#vent
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it’s that time of the year folks
#the time when band makes me suicidal !!!#i mean it’s not just band but that’s a big part of it#i have a little journal where i write down dates i feel suicidal bc my therapist told me to#and every year i consistently write down most of the days in July#istg i know how illogical this is and how it sounds like im just vying for attention rn but stop#i hate how i get like this too and i hate how i just shut down and feel like shit#this fucking sucks#doesn’t help i failed my driving test today#why am i even posting this who reads this many tags Jesus Christ#i need to sleep I think#it’s weird bc i want to be left alone but god do I want to talk to someone and get a hug rn#why do i always feel like an attention seeker for venting on my own private tumblr#like it’s supposedly great to vent somewhere but i just feel like im ruining something for others
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one of my biggest nightmares is happening to me right now haha how fun
#when it comes to bugs i am a wimp#always have been always will be#they invoke some sort of blood-curdling fear in me i have no control over#so anyways#i can't even kill them most of the time i obviously can't take them outside either#it's like being in physical proximity to them does something awful to my brain chemistry it's nightmarish#so now i am sleeping in my living room and we left the balcony open in the evening and it had rained#so just now when i decide to finally turn the lights off and go to sleep at the reasonable hour of 1am#i notice not one. not two. but three goddamn mosquitoes surrounding me like the forces of evil#and i KNOW the second i hit those lights and lie down they WILL attack#and i can't to anything about because again. paralyzing insect-induced fear and repulsion#so i am literally sitting frozen on this pullout couch turning my head every three seconds#just to know exactly where the goddamned monstrous creatures are at all times#one on the north wall and the other two are sharing the corner#and i can't bring myself to stomp them with my shoe bc i would definitely scream#and i'd ask my dad to get them for me but he has sleeping issues and if he's already asleep and i wake him he won't be able to go back#and then tomorrow will be awful#so i'm here getting slightly devoured by my irrational suffering#and this is the part i most fear about living alone. genuinely#what if i see a spider and i cant yell for anyone. i WOULD sleep on my goddamn bathroom if necessary#and that's on my biggest untreated psychological issue. fun times
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ladies and gentleman we back to "crying at 5am on a worknight-when will it ever stop?!" and i am sure my period being like a week away is not helping, even tho this feels more like general dread and helplessness and frustration and general mid 20s angst and not more usual pre-period drama
it's not making this any better and i am mostly annoyed and angry between sobs....which is an interesting mix of emotions but not unusual
#txts#how did my mother get me checked for like depression way late in but not just...moodswings#bc boy are they still around as expected#not like anything came out the depression checkup#bc i was a....well depressed teen who didnt wanna do shit but be left alone to rot#so i didnt even go to therapy#i am not mad at myself for that but i feel like it' might have opened some options#eh well#rant#venting#anyhow i DO have a normal 9hour shift today so we are fucking freeballing it no sleep except the extra 2hours i allowed myself from yesterd#i have given up on rest#i am therapising myself and then just hanging out#researching jobs and Ausbildung and Umschulung#and either getting more intrigued bc that would work#or more anxious bc expecations#'oh no they want me to be good at math' literally had to do 90% math at last jobs training in school#give me the formula book thingie and i'll be fine#ask me out of the blue and i'll freeze and cry and just go blank for like an hour or so#not sure if thats a me-brain thing or that happened bc of school but hey#it sure is a wall#i'll continue hugging myself angrily and looking into jobs or whatever#stressful.......why is this all so stressful#and why do i feel like i am betraying my current workplace? stop overusing empathy this wasnt the goal x-x
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