#NOT EVEN IN MY SLEEP I AM LEFT ALONE
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you don’t understand I woke up from a dream where Oliver shared a video of Ryan without the mustache and said “soooo… this is my work husband” with particular emphasis on the word husband and then he zoomed on Ryan’s upper lip until they both broke down into laughter and Ryan ended up leaning on his shoulder in such a cozy way?????
#NOT EVEN IN MY SLEEP I AM LEFT ALONE#911 abc#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#911 on abc#oliver stark#ryan guzman#i honestly don't know#my brain works in mysterious ways#chances are it doesnt work at all#im tired i hate this show#im lying#im losing my mind#they are work husbands tho
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Linktober 2024, Day 1, Mirror (Self)
Alright here we go again.
Technically a sneak peak of a bigger thing to come in the future that I'm repurposing, and the result of my final playthrough and readthrough before EoW dropped being Four Swords Adventures and that made me sad about Shadow Link again.
Note that this is for the Four Swords Adventures iteration of Shadow Link that might evolve into an LU Shadow, not Dark Link in either LOZ or LU, I have other plans for him.
This one shot was brought to you by Scars by The Crane Wives, Ribs by The Crane Wives, Ruin by The Amazing Devil and Two Minutes by The Amazing Devil because the author's playlist decided to be incredibly cheeky when they blacked out to write this like an ancient seers being cursed with visions and then called mad and hearing they've been put up for execution.
As always the nature of the relationship can be romantic or platonic, mostly due to the author's time constraints and further plans.
Anyway enjoy the reading!
It was cold.
The sort of cold after a wildfire, when everything's turned back to ash, the sort that left burned your vision white after the flames licked through your veins and left an ache in your bones. He shuddered, coughed black onto the stone floor, shaking with a muffled whimper.
It never got any easier, being dragged from the Dark World and into the Realm of Light, the goddesses' world itself revolting against an intruder, wanting the wound torn asunder into their oh so precious realm cauterized. To purge the intrusion and smite it where it stands.
Too bad for them (and for him), his master didn't particularly care about what the world wanted. Didn't particularly care that he hadn't grow accustomed to the pain or the cold, he had to stand up. There was work to be done.
(Shadow gritted his teeth, willed himself not to think about the prophecy of a golden haired princess- because whether he liked it or not, it was prophecy. As those with divinity running through their veins are wont to spill from their throats so carelessly- of violet eyes and a smile a third moonlight and hands holding a hammer.
It always hurt more, after one of the heroes liberated one of the maidens, or the jewels, the pain lingering for days afterwards and carving a home in his metaphorical bones. But just this once he'd take the cold bite of the Four Swords over the pain in the hole in his chest that Vio's betrayal had left, something that felt so much worse than every other time before.
Just this once he wished that maybe, just maybe, the hurt would be too much to bear, that he wouldn't wake up again-
Why? Why does it hurt so much but he's still here? He already knew the Light was uncompromising and unforgiving, but he thought them at least above curses.)
His ears twitched as soft, almost silent footsteps came up to his side. Someone crouching by his fallen form, setting a cautious hand over his own that Shadow couldn't help but draw away from with a hiss, blinking as his eyes adjusted to the world again, to your face, carefully blank as you guided him to lean against your side, a silver choker with a crimson gem winked mockingly at him, the shade closing his eyes and going boneless against your side.
Shadow was so, so tired.
He heard you quietly sigh, plucking his cap from his head and running your fingers through dark amethyst, smoke and mist made hair. "I told you so."
"Shut up." He grumbled, nuzzling further into the crook of your neck. One clawed hand curling against your free wrist, digging into the skin. Absentmindedly noting there were new scratches just above the metal.
It was routine by now, the warmth of your existence against his own a welcome balm, not quite of the Realm of Light where it's unpleasant, not too close to the Dark World where he felt like melting back into the embrace of the darkness, only to howl in agony at being dragged out.
Memories not quite his own bled into his mind all the time. How you'd shape ice into flowers for the princess in winter with nary a though, of blinking and from one second to the next you'd have whatever sword he had hostage if you though it was time for a break with a smile brighter than the sun.
His master had changed that though. It took months for you to stop trying to claw the collar out and to stop trying to fight Vaati.
(Funny how holding a mage's dragon as a bargaining chip is just as effective as kidnapping a ruler.)
Your gaze flicked to the polished obsidian of the Dark Mirror, to the gold, ornate frame. "The offer is still open, you know. Let me take the suffering from you."
"No." He scowled, leaning back to glare into your eyes, a hint of fangs poking out from a maw struggling to keep the shape of a human jaw, "You helped him. Helped them." Shadow spat, there is that hurt again.
You shrugged, a movement that's just slightly awkward as you flinch, "That I did." You confirmed simply, it almost made Shadow see red as he leaned away, knocking your hand from his head in the process, but if there's anything him and the heroes shared, was a lack of a desire to hurt you. It was a little grating to be honest, "Vio even offered to take me with him, to be honest."
"Then why didn't you leave?" He demanded.
Why did you stick around?
Your eyes shuttered, a hint of conflict in your pursed lips. Before you found your words, they come out softly, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you why. You'll just have to find out yourself."
You tug your wrist from his grasp, and Shadow lets you go.
(Stubbornly pushing down on memories and emotions that arearen'tarenotanymore quite his.)
You stand and turn away, pushing the curtains away from your sight, you turn your tired eyes to Shadow with an emotion he can't put a name to. "Just keep it in mind that there's more than one way to end this. Nothing is truly inevitable."
Shadow watches you go. 'There's nothing that can be done. He tells himself, hand hesitating above the Dark Mirror, briefly, it curls into a fist. The hero's original self stares back at him.
'… Does he really believe that?'
He shakes his head, and focuses on willing the Dark Mirror to show him his counterpart.
His chest still hurts.
#summer writes linktober 2024#lu shadow x reader#well implied#shadow link x reader#lu vio x reader x shadow link#lu four x reader#if we count both Vio and Shadow as part of him which I both do and don't (it's complicated)#lu four x reader x lu shadow#You ever think that considering how Shadow isn't human and a reflection of someone else#that he likely struggles with human feelings and putting a proper name to them?#and that he might share memories and emotions with Four/Link and have a hard time discerning what is his and what isn't#and just possible identity issues in general from being separated from what's essentially every other part of himself?#because I do. A lot. It lives in my head rent free#man I want to write more about this guy#is Reader from Hyrule? Are they isekaied and just doing their best to blend in and somehow ended up a magic user?#Are they a secret third thing or a guide au iteration?#Who knows! (the author does but is too sleep deprived to elaborate)#All they know is that they're have feelings (up to interpretation) for Link and are close to Zelda#that Shadow may have stolen their dragon but they don't want to let him suffer alone now that Vio is gone even though they could have left#and that they would fistfight Vaati if not for their magical restrictions (it will be expanded in it's own one shot)#not necessarily in that order#yes I am adding to Shadow's extensive crimes and making it so that the dragon in the manga in this was Reader's.#They just wanted their scaly puppy back and now they're trapped in the drama and absolutely over it#linked universe x reader#they commiserate with Dot/Zelda over this fact over tea which can probably be an one shot of it's own
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#can’t sleep and i’m having a rly hard time eating and i’m just so fucking busy#and i was like i’m not even rly stressed out why am i having such a hard time rn— oh i’m not feeling secure.#hil.txt#and it’s not like. normal ‘oh i’m worried about how i’m going to dress and be perceived’ it’s like ‘my partner in this mission is going#rogue and i’m being left alone to make sure the ship stays on course and i’m tired’ kind of insecurity#BC IM NOT ACTUALLY STRESSED AT ALL ABOUT THE NEXT MONTH BUT DAD KEEPS PULLING SHIT ON ME AND IM FEELING ALOOOONE WITHOUT BEING ALOOOONE#anyway. zayne from love and deepspace will save me. trust.
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me: how about...natori contracting some kind of youkai illness & matoba finding out about it & showing up to his set & natori dragging him off to his trailer bc it would be bad for his sparkly reputation to make the angry faces he feels coming on in front of his coworkers & matoba offering to help but in that smarmy condescending way that raises natori's hackles so he refuses but unfortunately he doesn't know how to cure it so matoba just keeps showing up every day & natori keeps carting him off to the trailer every time & being suuuuper cagey when people ask him who his visitor is & what if his coworkers get the wrong idea & matoba is fully aware of this & what if one day in the trailer natori reluctantly agrees to let matoba help him & matoba's like okay fine off with your shirt i gotta paint this spell circle on your bare chest & what if he's in the middle of doing that when they hear somebody opening the door to the trailer & obviously they don't want anyone to know what they're actually doing in there bc youkai-exorcist confidentiality so matoba's like no worries i got this & he KISSES NATORI omg classic kiss-as-misdirection trope & the person at the door is like whoops my b carry on gentlemen & after they've left natori is like wtf matoba????? & matoba's like well it's what they all thought we were doing anyway & your mouth was right there & it allowed me to cover the writing on your chest with my body & also you kiss people for a living so i figured it wouldn't be too complex for you & your part-time exorcist training to handle & natori recovers admirably quickly & is like WELL for your information that was a TERRIBLE kiss & no one is gonna buy that i professional makeout artist natori shuuichi would be swapping saliva with somebody on the reg without any of my considerable skill rubbing off on them & matoba's like so what do you propose we do about it & natori's like obviously i have to teach you how to kiss in case they come back -
the bedtime story fairy who thought this was gonna be an easy assignment: please just go to sleep im begging u have mercy ur brain cells are dying
#my other bedtime imagine also features misunderstandings in natori's trailer/dressing room but this time it's established relationship#natori and his costar are in his trailer practicing a kiss & matoba comes in & thinks natori is CHEATING 😲#& packs up & goes back to the matoba estate & natori's calling him daily like i LITRALLY dk what i did wrong...miss u baby...#but also tell me what i did wrong u asshole!! you just left & didn't even tell me if/when you're coming back! wtf!!!#and eventually matoba comes home & they talk & natori's like mkay well first of all kissing that lady is my literal job that pays me#but i understand that it upset you bc we were alone in my trailer & looked startled to be interrupted. hey i know#why don't you come with me to set & you can see just how incredibly unsexy these practice sessions are?#so matoba accompanies him & it's literally just natori & his costar like calculating exact face tilt angles & figuring out#their precise height differential during the scene in question based on the shoes she'll be wearing & testing out ideal#degree of mouth openness & choreographing switching sides of the face to correspond to the movement of the camera#(bc obviously it's one of those epic 360-degree shots with the swelling orchestral score and w/e 🙄)#& figuring out where they should put their hands & whether it makes sense for them to be smiling at this point in their arc &c &c#& matoba starts like observing them from multiple angles & critiquing their technique & giving pointers to the costar#& grabbing natori's chin & bodily arranging his limbs like a mannequin & showing the costar the best ratio of lip give to firmness#by demonstrating with his own lips on natori's lips. & so on & so forth. meanwhile#the sleep i am forgoing in favor of having these thoughts is something i will NEVER get back.#natsume's book of friends#horrible exorcists#f#my posts#i am such a clown to watch one of the sweetest and most poignant shows i have ever seen and for what?#to get fixated on imagining ways to get these chuckleheads to smush their mouths together? unbelievable.#like these scenarios barely (if at all) have anything to do with what makes them so fascinating as characters. i just want them to Kiss#idk though i do feel like their first kiss has to be some sort of dare or 'accident' or w/e like these weirdos can't just KISS each other!#who does that! have you heard of a little thing called pride and invulnerability and plausible deniability!!!!#but i also completely imprinted on this one established relationship fic i read last year so sometimes i just skip ahead#to the kinds of misunderstandings and shenanigans and conflicting priorities they could get up to as a couple#i guess i just want the fact that natori is famous for kissing people to be Matoba Seiji's Problem in some way or another#is that so much to ask#(i also CLEARLY imprinted on a fic in which natori teaches matoba to kiss at a bar?? i should reread that one)
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Tonight, right now, not even ten minutes ago, might have been the closest I got to an outright hatecrime
#morningtalks#Ask to tag#<- I have no clue what I'd have to tag this tbh#But for the story.#Me and my friend (crush) are walking at two am after quite the night. I am fully sober but she's got a few drinks and is just tired now#Like we're walking in silence she's just done type of tired#(part of me worries I was too in love with her tonight but I will do my best to rationalize it as Her Being Tired and not my fault somehow)#But yeah we're walking there and we see/hear a bunch of guys that are clearly not on their first drink#They plan to go to the bar we were so I'm glad we left but they are full on far right singing slogans about getting the leftists out#We cross each other on the street and they immediately begin asking us if we're lefties but then they see my pins#And the fact that we're two girls walking alone and assume we're both lesbians#Ify I obviously am. I have Pins lmao but my crush is not (?)#But yeah I had heard their slogans from afar and had already grabbed my scissors discretely in case something happened#I was genuinely just getting myself ready to fight them all just to leave my friend a chance to run if possible#But I was genuinely scared for her (and also for me but I have a bad habit of prioritizing others' wellbeing and especially here)#So they think we're lesbians and immediately start yelling they don't like lesbians and some other hurtful stuff#But it didn't fully enter my brain. I genuinely don't care#But I was still very afraid they DO something#Luckily they just walked away and we were left in peace but I was genuinely ready to do literally anything to not let my friend get hurt#By these men#I might see her a bit tomorrow. Probably not a lot but we'll see each other#And she doesn't seem to mind too much (she thought we'd see each other next week for class obviously and said “til next week”#(translated quite literally))#I thanked her for the evening still but I genuinely think she just needs to sleep and I don't have to overthink everything that happened#In the end#The first hours of the night were AMAZING though. Genuinely never been closer to her than there I adored every second of it#(and the other people were fun too but. She. Yano)#Anyways I have a thing at 11 I'll go sleep before being fully dead for that thing#But I might genuinely have a delayed reaction on those last events tomorrow#But now I gotta sleep too
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I feel like I need to be petted right now but I'm afraid if anyone touches me I'll bite
I don't know if I deserve to be pet, but I know that I deserve to be cold, I know I deserve to stay in the dog house outside for the winter, I am only suppose to watch the warm glow coming from the windows, I'm only suppose to smell the food on the table, I can only play nice when guests are over
#vent#i just want to have my stupid blog and pretend to be a stupid dog on t#on the Internet what am i doing wrong why am i wrong im so sorry#i dont know whats wrong with me and you cant even be honest what did i do#why do you have to watch me why cant be left alone#why cant i be trusted why are you always watching me#nothing i do is private nothing i will ever so is private how do you know how do you always know and why isnt it okay#im tired im so tired and im tired and im tired and im so tired and im so tired please please put me to sleep#please just tell me directly#please stop playing games why is everything a game why cant you be honestly that you know and youre here why cant you just tell#did you ask them did you ask for them to tell you if i was back whh couldn't you leave me alone this one time its all i asked#i just wanted this for myself and i cant even have this for myself#why cant i be a dog why cant i just be left alone you know everything else you always know everything else#i thought this could be different i thought this blog would be different please stop watching me#i know youll read this im not comfortable around you like this#im not comfortable being a dog around you im not comfortable letting my guard down in a state like this i dont think ill ever be comfortable#why dont you listen please let me have this#please please please let me have this#hurt me hurt me so i can have this hurt ne every time so i can have this#i dont care the price id do anything to have this i dont care how much you want me to hurt for this just let me have this#im sorry#im so sorry im so sorry and i know its my fault#it's always my fault
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vent.
#im jobless a uni drop out and broke and i live with my parents at age 22 and cant drive every decision i make has to go thru my parents i ha#ve no friends i can reach out to and im severely depressed and my ed is coming back lmaoooooo#im also trapped in my own home been rejected from jobs left and right way behind on my big girl tasks andi am also just so so alone and unsu#re of yhe futurr Nd like near tears and sleeping all the time and i dont have any hobbies since i dropped art like 5 years ago and im also#stupid and a lying to everyone that im fine and nothing makes me happy and even shopping i cant think of anythjng id like to buy but even#then i just feel guilty bc im brokeeeee#i just feel all so numb to it all like i was really gonna buy some diet pills even tho ik theyre bad but like aaaaaaaaaaa#and i feel useless
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one more day... going to be home by the end of the day tomorrow if all goes well... i am ready to start chewing on cement to be perfectly honest
#its bad fjdksls its been Bad. but by god i am making it through#i do not even have it in me to make any jokes abt it like. i am at the very last strand of the end of my rope#but !!! i will be sleeping in my own bed tomorrow night!!!#and will be free from spending every waking moment around these people!!!!#and then i can draw as much Guz as I want without worrying about ppl seeing and being shitty abt it !!! thank god !!!#they are making me hate my art and not want to draw any more and i think thats the worst part of this whole ordeal tbh#im not even showing them anything... they just look over my shoulder or whatever. like wtf just leave me alone 😭😭#anyhowdy. i just need to keep floating thru these next 24ish hours and then I can collapse and recover#also i haven't been able to find anything good for purchases... I've only spent $20 this whole trip fhfkdl#two pairs of socks and a notebook bc i left my notebook at home...#i was hoping to maybe find some beetle themed jewelry and/or a locket but I've found NOTHING !!! disappointing smh#we went to edmonton mall and everything... I FOUND NONE !!!#dandy.cmd#vent //#abuse cw#just in case fjdkdl
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sorry, halsey — hopeless fountain kingdom.
#ALL POWER DEMANDS PAIN AND SACRIFICE: musings.#NO SLEEP OF THE INNOCENT. NOT FOR YOU: character study.#it kind of surprises me just how much content there is out there about being afraid of intimacy but then again-#i have heard that that is supposedly one of the most common fears that people have apparently. so yeahhh but of course i do mean emotional-#intimacy here and oh my goshhh. i never realized just how sad parts of this song were until i listened to it again.#'i run away when thing's are good and never really understood the way you laid your eyes on me in ways that no one ever could#i hate to say it BUT that is so misao. she really does feel sooo unlovable sometimes and she has this 'leave them before they leave you'-#mentality that is so saddening to have TBH but i understand why she has it. her childhood kind of left her broken in a way i think-#in ways that can't be easily explained as it was very nuanced and complicated. but GAHHH that doesn't stop me from wanting misao-#to find at least some kind of love from people 😭 like she needs at least one friend or something that she can depend on bc i feel like-#that would really help her and being in a house alone all the time whenever she's not at work can not be good for her psyche.#so petition to get misao a friend or two? JSJSJ nahhh but i am legitimately being serious at this point#she needs someone who'll stick with her through thick and thin and will be understanding of the fact that she's got unresolved trauma so-#that partially causes her to be hyperindependent but i firmly believe that she needs people just as much as anyone else.#maybe more in fact but IDK#and the fact that in this song halsey says that she still knows facts about them even though she hasn't talked to them-#in forever? i'm WEEPING AHHH#that is so like misao as well sadly. she would literally take little notes as to what thing's people like to reference later if she had a-#friend because she 'doesn't want to get it wrong' whenever she gets them a present she says but it's really so that she doesn't forget-#how precious this person is to her and how she wrote down all of their favorite things as a result.
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Tw animal death tw suicide attempt tw no sé ya a la verga this is too much I just need to tell anything to anyone
The second anything starts looking better everything comes fucking crumbling down one of the cats my father practically forced into being """""outdoors"""" cat without even having a fucking backyard door is fucking dying of kidney failure he hasn't eaten or gone outside since yesterday morning he literally only wants to be around us because he's in so much fucking pain and I want to fucking die my father keeps screaming at me over every little fucking thing and screaming about leaving the house and we're barely getting by with all three of them working full time my little sister almost took her life two fucking days ago and I only found out bc i woke up with her crying after puking out all the shit she took she hasn't even been to the fucking doctor she's only going today because of a fucking cold one of the little cats keeps shitting herself into oblivion because we can't make her stop eating her own shit I want everything to end I want everything to end so fucking bad I don't know what to do anymore I just keep getting worse and worse and everyone's mad at me my sister's worse every day and I cannot even apologize because it'd be worth nothing because I'm so fucking ill I can't even remember her I don't know what to do anymore my little baby keeps posting suicidal shit too I'm fucking powerless in the middle of everything I can't even leave the fucking house without fear paralyzing me I can't do this anymore
#i dont know what to do anymore this isnt even a cry for help I can't even cry in front of them anymore I'm literally#at my wits end I can't even ask my friends for help ive been#ignoring them so much because i genuinely cannot deal with myself anymore and i can't bring myself to tell them anything I can't hold a#conversation anymore everything everyone says and does does nothing but bury the fucking knife in the wound im never graduating im#never gonna live a better life and at this fucking rythm im gonna be left all alone before this decade ends im so fucking scared#how did everything get so bad why is everyone leaning on me why cant anyone tell how bad it is why does everyone stops at listening why can#even my fucking parents try to do something im a fucking 20+yo sleeping three times a week showering every god knows how long how in#gods fucking earth can this be acceptable in anyones eyes why am i the one holding everyones weight i dont know what to do anymore#god fucking help me if this baby dies on me while im alone im afraid of what could happen im just so fucking scared of everything#vent#personal
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"Non farlo piangere" girl he literally cries in his mother's arms when he's trying to fall asleep because he gets frustrated when he can't and now I'm making him cry???????????????
#i don't understand how they see this child thing#he's a child. he cries. sometimes he cries for things you have to say no about#like you must say no. why is it so hard for you to understand it and most importantly why the HELL am I the one who's somehow behaving#like the mother when she's not around#I'm so pissed off about this situation Imma scream one day#again. i love my nephew more than my honestly unworthy life for what I'm doing with it#but I'm 23 and i never asked to be a mother and i just want to do my things and have like a little corner for myself#and to be left alone for 5 minutes#which can't happen apparently bc I can't even go to the bathroom without my mother going 'let's see what auntie is doing!'#gurl what do you think I'm doing???????#I'm so fucking tired#and once again why the hell does he have to sleep here tonight when his father is perfectly able to take care of him#i swear if i were to see him once a week I'd be more than happy but every day gets exhausting#and in the middle of it all i also have to listen to my mother scold me for no reason. no one ever says 'oh thank you'#jesus christ#I'll never EVER have children btw#and i hope I don't fall in love with a cis man because if this is how they are I'm very tempted to commit a murder rn#I'm tired out of my mind bc me and my mother had to cook and clean the whole house for tomorrow. do you think#my father raised a single finger despite knowing we needed a hand?#fuck them when i get financially stable enough to leave they'll see me once a year#if they're lucky#again. I can't have my therapist tell me all this things which i start to think about daily and leave me on my own for a whole week#bc then i go insane#sorry I'll prob delate this later#rant#i realize now the post doesn't make sense without context but i was trying to make him sleep and he cried a little#like he. always does btw but somehow today it was my fault
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I have had the overwhelming urge to write so much the past week but my job switched me to mornings and I am so 😡😡😡 angry because I am excited to write so much but the second I get home I collapse and do nothing I want to write so fucking bad but instead I am!!!!!! Sleepy!!!!!!!
#it is literally a matter of having the energy to sit up straight and type#like I am formulating prose in my head#but actually typing it out is taking way more energy than I have#I’ve been lucky to get a page a night if even that (tonight it was about three paragraphs)#uuuggghhhh I’m pretty sure I suffer from some form of chronic fatigue in general given how exhausted I constantly am#no matter how much I sleep#but this abrupt schedule change did NOT help nor does the fact that it happened right after holidays where all my free time was spent#traveling and just on the go constantly#so I never even got the chance to actually recover from THAT before this started#I swear I need a week to literally just be left alone and not even contacted by another living soul#just to physically and mentally rest and recover before I’m like… semi-functional#how to explain to ppl I care about that yes… I like spending time with them…. but also do NOT fucking ask me to do anything for like a month#idfk I’m so tired and it’s Officially interfering with my hobbies which bring me a great amount of joy so I’m PISSED#kaz rambles
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So cool having nothing to live for and nothing to look forward to and zero friends this is awesome 👍 (this sucks someone please save me)
#all I do all day is scroll through tumblr and twitter all day#eat lunch and dinner stare at the wall or sleep#sleeping is much better than being awake tbh. I don't have to.think about how miserable my life is lol#I have no friends. at all#nobody cares about me#no one I knowcould give a fuck if I were dead or alive#I have nobody to look forward to talking to and nobody aactively wants to talk to me#or even looks forward to it#I genuinely don't think anyone even wwants to be close to me honestly#so I'm just left alone all day every day with nothing to do but think about how miserable I am and howw living isn't worth it anymore 👍
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it’s that time of the year folks
#the time when band makes me suicidal !!!#i mean it’s not just band but that’s a big part of it#i have a little journal where i write down dates i feel suicidal bc my therapist told me to#and every year i consistently write down most of the days in July#istg i know how illogical this is and how it sounds like im just vying for attention rn but stop#i hate how i get like this too and i hate how i just shut down and feel like shit#this fucking sucks#doesn’t help i failed my driving test today#why am i even posting this who reads this many tags Jesus Christ#i need to sleep I think#it’s weird bc i want to be left alone but god do I want to talk to someone and get a hug rn#why do i always feel like an attention seeker for venting on my own private tumblr#like it’s supposedly great to vent somewhere but i just feel like im ruining something for others
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one of my biggest nightmares is happening to me right now haha how fun
#when it comes to bugs i am a wimp#always have been always will be#they invoke some sort of blood-curdling fear in me i have no control over#so anyways#i can't even kill them most of the time i obviously can't take them outside either#it's like being in physical proximity to them does something awful to my brain chemistry it's nightmarish#so now i am sleeping in my living room and we left the balcony open in the evening and it had rained#so just now when i decide to finally turn the lights off and go to sleep at the reasonable hour of 1am#i notice not one. not two. but three goddamn mosquitoes surrounding me like the forces of evil#and i KNOW the second i hit those lights and lie down they WILL attack#and i can't to anything about because again. paralyzing insect-induced fear and repulsion#so i am literally sitting frozen on this pullout couch turning my head every three seconds#just to know exactly where the goddamned monstrous creatures are at all times#one on the north wall and the other two are sharing the corner#and i can't bring myself to stomp them with my shoe bc i would definitely scream#and i'd ask my dad to get them for me but he has sleeping issues and if he's already asleep and i wake him he won't be able to go back#and then tomorrow will be awful#so i'm here getting slightly devoured by my irrational suffering#and this is the part i most fear about living alone. genuinely#what if i see a spider and i cant yell for anyone. i WOULD sleep on my goddamn bathroom if necessary#and that's on my biggest untreated psychological issue. fun times
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ladies and gentleman we back to "crying at 5am on a worknight-when will it ever stop?!" and i am sure my period being like a week away is not helping, even tho this feels more like general dread and helplessness and frustration and general mid 20s angst and not more usual pre-period drama it's not making this any better and i am mostly annoyed and angry between sobs....which is an interesting mix of emotions but not unusual
#txts#how did my mother get me checked for like depression way late in but not just...moodswings#bc boy are they still around as expected#not like anything came out the depression checkup#bc i was a....well depressed teen who didnt wanna do shit but be left alone to rot#so i didnt even go to therapy#i am not mad at myself for that but i feel like it' might have opened some options#eh well#rant#venting#anyhow i DO have a normal 9hour shift today so we are fucking freeballing it no sleep except the extra 2hours i allowed myself from yesterd#i have given up on rest#i am therapising myself and then just hanging out#researching jobs and Ausbildung and Umschulung#and either getting more intrigued bc that would work#or more anxious bc expecations#'oh no they want me to be good at math' literally had to do 90% math at last jobs training in school#give me the formula book thingie and i'll be fine#ask me out of the blue and i'll freeze and cry and just go blank for like an hour or so#not sure if thats a me-brain thing or that happened bc of school but hey#it sure is a wall#i'll continue hugging myself angrily and looking into jobs or whatever#stressful.......why is this all so stressful#and why do i feel like i am betraying my current workplace? stop overusing empathy this wasnt the goal x-x
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