#NO THEY DONT NEED HELP GO AWAY PLEASE-
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Prompt 305
So. Uh. Danny feels like laughing hysterically, because? Ghostwriter was doing a thing, and one of Pandora’s curses escaped and erm, well, now the six of them are in a whole other dimension. At least this place has a lot of abandoned warehouses but still. And well, he guesses he’s no longer the only ‘monster’ now?
But seriously they all need to find a way back home sooner rather than later, even if they might now be stuck in this world… Fuck.
#DCxDP#DPxDC#prompts#Vampire Sam#Sphinx Tucker#Frankenstein’s Monster Valerie#but like technomancy style#Kitsune Jazz#Sith Cat Ellie#Werewolf Danny#yes he is also still a Halfa but now he has to deal with This too?!#They joke he looks like a celestial style Wulf#They are all very off put by how weirdly small they are compared to other people in this world#But at least they can get around easily- oh no there’s concerned vigilantes-#NO THEY DONT NEED HELP GO AWAY PLEASE-#Concerned vigilantes: We just want to help these meta kids :(#JL Dark when they’re eventually called: Those are baby supernatural creatures WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE PARENTS-#honestly they could be in any city
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never change, man !
#phantom of the paradise#potp#swan potp#nightmaretheater#65 layers and about 24 hours . Eeeyyuppp#Look into my beautiful mind boy#Its a bit unusual to what i usually draw#but i had to push a specific look for this piece#hopefully you all are picking up on the corperate look . the advertisment look#Sneeze. Anyways my point is industry destroys creative people. This includes swan#I feel like phrases like these ; how he was put on a pedistal…. it lead him to be Like That#as awful as he is he desperately needed help#it might seem like vanity on the surface#but i think its… more than that#long story short: we need to destroy the beauty industry. the skincare industry. the anti-aging industry#It ruined his psyche forever and he cant let go of the ideal version of himself he will never truly be again#i dont think he can at this point. hes in too deep and hes suffering for it no matter how much he feels hes fixed his problems#he cant accept a version of himself that isnt that perfect young man. because he never confronted his problems. he just ran away#anyways . Hi swath *punches him**kicks him*#i dont care if nobody gets me lalalalla my truths and headcanons are awesome forever and i live in my own reality lallaallal#sorry i think im gonna be posting about swan alot for a few months hes making me sick#i wass gonna post this earlier but my internet was real bad#*lays down in my pile of pillows* eat up boys. haha#sidenote: drawing white blond people is horrifiying. Boy your skin and hair are the same color. Introduce some contrast to yourself. Please#adding on: its inportant to note this focuses on him looking st himself in the mirror alot on purpouse#to remind himself what he ‘’’’really’’’’ looks like#the 4 middle pannels all represent that too . u have to be in my brain ri get this#sorry for unleashijg another swan essay in my tags. will happen again lol
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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Someone go back in time and make me forget about the radqueer community bruv because I really don't know how much glorification of things that should not be glorified I can take.
[Live narration of me scrolling through the rq tag]
Hey
Hey why are there pride flags for these things. Why are you making pride flags. Do you understand that you shouldn't be taking pride in paraphilias? Hey. Guys hey. Guys. No. Hey. No, you can't be transrace. No that is not morally justifiable because that brings up severe cultural issues. Hey. Stop. Put that down. Put down the "children and animals can consent," pls, what are you doing with that.
Transharmed? Hey.
Look guys I understand not having access to mental health support and all but this is not an excusable replacement—
.......
No, I'm sorry. Did I just see "transabled?"
There's no way people are actually being serious about this.
...
......
Oh they're actually being serious about this.
Like this isn't a joke?
OH. HEY. NO, WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS IN FACT NOT AT ALL THE SAME AS BEING TRANSGENDER. THAT IS NOT A GOOD ARGUMENT TO JUSTIFY WHAT YOU'RE DOING.
#i think this is one of those situations where its just so bad i cant look away#i know i make a lot of negative posts but i really needed to address this#so anyways let me put some normal tags#anti rq#anti radical queer#anti radqueer#anti radshit#anti transid#pro getting help#please get help#like im not saying this to be an asshole please genuinely get help for your own sake#or for the sake of the children who go online and see this community they think they want to be in and get severely fucking traumatized#no you dont actually want to be traumatized again or hurt again#youre just seeking familiarity for comfort and abuse is familiar to you#this is fucked up
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kuroba toichi you need to stay dead or im going to fucking kill you myself
#you sick son of a bitch#if you truly love your son you wouldnt be alive#it's bad enough that you basically left the mantle for your teenage son to take up but you actually being alive????????#you just out there living your life while your son is destroying his relationships chasing after something that you started????????#his very motivation is your death and it's not even real??? the utter fucking betrayal???#and maybe being kid has kade him a better magician and has helped him find out more about himself#but he shouldve been able to have a choice if he even wanted to be kid at all it shouldnt have been a responsibility pushed upon him#AND IF YOU ARE FUCKING ALIVE AND YOU'RE JUST WATCHING YOUR SON RUNNING AWAY FROM THE POLICE WITH PRIDE INSTEAD OF GUILT YHEN YOU CAN#GO FUCK YOURSELF#Honestly the worst#also that theory that maybe chikage is travelling the world because she KNOWS toichi is alive and she's with her elevates this fuckery into#a whole different level#anyway go read cuethesun's tomorrow and the next day#good fucking food and bad parent chikage and toichi enjoyers will be pleased ;>#lol#dc prattles#as much as i want happy everybody is alive kuroba family#i need touichi and chikage if she knows too to feel the repercussions of their horrible parenting and i need kaito to be able to let himself#feel the hurt and betrayal that he is justified to feel even if he is happy that his dad is alive#but i dont trust gosho to handle that nicely if anything i think hes gonna just handwave it and wont address it properly#anyway my point is i just need more hurt and angry kaito also if shinichi is there im happy#sorry i sneaked in a kaishin i cant stop the brainrot unfortunately theres no cure 🤚😔#ALSO DONT GET ME STARTED WITH BAD PARENT KUDOS OOOOOHHHH
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for like 3 weeks i was wondering why i was sleeping so much and felt listless. and just now I managed to email 3 people and responded to a month old message in the span of an hour because I got back to TAKING MY FUCKIN MEDS..........
#MOTHER FFFFUCKER#to be fair. my doc said I could stop taking them while im on break since i wouldnt need to be constantly pumped on stimulants#im not sure if it was a side effect but i managed to take like 3 different naps in one day and STILL managed to sleep thru the whole night#at least 2 days into my break. the weird thing is i didnt feel more or less rested afterwards. but mentally i think im in a good place rn#to really put the level of awakeness im at rn i feel weirdly confident i could start one piece. also bc of that sick new opening it BANGS#the song is really good and im in love with the animation style. did some digging and it seems one of the lead animators is masato mori#but i could be wrong. it seems he also did some work on mp100 which could explain a lot lol.. he uses smear frames really well to convey#consistent movement and fluidity!!! someone else might have done color design but it works really really well esp with odas style!!#just love the overall vibe and aesthetic and id really love to study it and incorporate a bit of it into my art.. especially the thick#outlines which i think helps to separate characters and objects on screen. though i have to say the style is definitely more suited to#animation bc of the simpleness and smears. maybe that will help me explore shapes and perspective when i draw... i wanna get better#at drawing poses and angles but i have a hard time wrapping my head around space and using perspective guide lines NGHHHH#i wonder if it has to do with my dogshit ability to judge distance. not depth perception but like. judge how far smth is in metres etc#im also wearing an N95 for the first couple weeks back bc of the wave. absolutely NO BODY is wearing a mask its so fucking over#where im sitting ive heard 5 different people coughing probably not into their elbows!!! and im just. head in my fucking hands#there was a kid sitting a couple seats away in class coughing as he pleases and i wanted to grab him in a chokehold so badly. PLEASEE#ive been annoying my family by asking them to mask up and reminding them to bring masks when they go out and showing them news articles#but at least its working bc we ordered some KN95s and my mom is at least taking me seriously so. please dont be afraid to speak up abt your#health. take care of yourself and others however u can!! wear that mask indoors at your maskless friends house!!! stay home when u can!!#im wearing a surgical mask at home too bc my parents have '''a dry throat cough''' and they are so bad at coughing into their sleeves#also im pretty sure dry throat isnt transmissible bc my brother started coughing too so.. i also tested negative but they havent tested yet#im also not a doctor but i have to keep reminding ppl whenever i can that covid and flu work differently. covid is new and too recent to#have nearly as much research done on it. it seems its also compounding so instead of building immunity it weakens the body and spreads to#to other systems which might explain brain fog and muscle weakness. i remember someone early in the pandemic got infected and it messed up#their smell/taste receptors so bad that they cant eat most foods and that stays in the front of my mind when i think abt covid. christ#yapping
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reiju's situation is awful, but i think it gets even worse when you realize that in fascist states, not only are women generally deemed lesser than men, but also the role of women is primary to be child-bearers and caretakers. germa...... doesn't need that due to its cloning technology.
so, not only does reiju's name have レイ rei 'zero' in it, so she literally Doesn't Count! not only is she not first in line for the throne, because judge has three other sons! but the only position she would normally be allowed to occupy(?) in society is useless, bordering on non-existent. like her only option is to keep doing what she's doing as a mercenary/soldier. at any point, judge could decide he needs her as a political pawn, or even worse: another source for genetic experiments (or both! at once!) and she Cannot Say No
#like no wonder she decided she needs to protect herself above everything because thats fucking horrific#once again: i hate judge!!! im going to beat him to death with a baseball bat!!!!! a metal pipe!!! a comically large hammer!!!!#i need sanji to stay away from his sibling but can someone else help them please.#on one hand i think this draft is stronger if it focuses on both ichiji and reiju and allows their specific issues to play off each other#in a way that makes it more targeted. on the other hand. i REALLY dont want it to read like im using reiju to prop up ichiji#like i think someone should kill me for real if that happens#L.txt#L.wip#one piece#vinsmokes
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Me sneaking into your asks with this drabble:
Disclaimer: I have yet to get a good grasp of Moze's character so this might be a bit OOC and on your side as well (sorry). I did my best. Also, this was inspired by the post you made abt telling Moze your tasks for the day | 600+ words (not proofread)
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In Moze's eyes, you reminded him of a dog catching a case of the zoomies.
You were quite literally everywhere. He'd find you talking to someone one moment before you're rushing off to do something else entirely the next. It seemed like you had quite a lot on your plate as of recently. Tasks, things you wanted to do, and so much more spinning around that mind of yours. You've told him a bit of your plans so he has a general idea. But seeing you juggling all of those tasks at once makes both admiration and concern bloom in his chest.
One time, Moze found you carrying a box filled with items. It would've been amusing to him how comical it was that the items piled so high— he could barely see you behind it. However, he did worry right after given how you almost tripped over something. He managed to catch you and the items before both came crashing all over the floor.
He insisted on helping you carry the items to wherever its destination was. It took a bit of pursuasion on his side. Convincing you that it truly wasn't a bother to him at all, and that he'd be very much glad to be of assistance to you.
"I need to get these delivered first. Then go stop by the shop to buy some things. After that…" You go on to ramble about the things you had to do to help get a better vision on what else you had to do. "Oh, no… I messed up." The smile on your face dropping at the thought that had slipped your mind until that moment. "I forgot to invite Jiaoqiu to dinner with the others—"
"It's tomorrow evening, right? He knows. I mentioned it last time when I spoke to him." Moze says with a calm tone.
You blink at him, slightly caught off-guard by the man beside you. Though it's immediately replaced with relief and gratitude. The smile on your face already back, lighting up your features once more. Infectious as always, it makes the corners of his lips tug upwards as well. A small part of him feels quite proud to have been able to help you ease your worries even by a bit.
And this is when you start noticing it.
Did you mention that you're running out of a certain skincare product, but you can't find the time to stop by the store to buy it? Moze conveniently has to stop by near the store and buys it for you. Did you also mention that you wanted to do a certain task but keep forgetting about it? He gently reminds you about it via message or verbal if he's nearby. Did you also happen to mention that you've been meaning to try out a certain desert from a cafe, but the schedule simply doesn't seem to allow you? No fear, he passes by the store to buy you the treat.
Moze doesn't see you as someone incapable of handling things by yourself. To him, he simply sees it as a way to show his care. If making a quick stop somewhere, sending you a small reminder of something you had to do that day, or even helping you out with the tasks you need to accomplish, makes you smile? Gives you a chance to take a break? Let you worry less about the things you need to do? It's worth it in his eyes.
He does his best to avoid making you feel like you're bothering or troubling him (you really aren't). Most of the time, he does them discrcetly and casually. Partially, since he's also scared that you'll think he's weird or a creep for acting like that.
Please don't think of him badly.
Moze truly means well.
#🐦⬛🐕 .#彡 cy!#彡 inbox.#彡 cherishing.#excuse me cy 🥹🥹🥹 you wrote a drabble based off a vague little post i made about moze 🥺🥺 HOW WILL I EVER THANK YOU 🥺🥺 that is so sweet ?! ?!#600+ words ?!?! CY !!!!!! THANK YOU ?!?????!!!!!! IM IN SHOCK /pos IM STARING AT MY SCREEN LIKE 🥹🥹🥹🥹 YOURE SO KIND YOURE SO SO SO KIND !!!!#‘you reminded him of a dog catching a case of the zoomies’ HANSNDJDN i want to be his dog 🙂↕️🙂↕️ and !! i have to say — the energy rush a#him is so real T T HE IS JUST SO FUN HES SO SWEET HES so awesome he’s so lovable — zoomies is inevitable with mr shadow guard of the yaoqin#im smiling so hard at the ‘you were quite literally everywhere’ AAAAAEEEE there is much to explore !!! THIS IS SO CUTE THOUGH IM SO 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺#THE CARRYING THE BOX SCENE ?!???!???? this reminds me of one of previous jobs i had ajanskdkxk YOU DONT REALLY NEED TO SEE . YOU CAN PEER#AROUND THE BOX — BUT MOZE SEEING ME IN SUCH A STATE IS SO EMBARRASSING/pos omg he caught me x0x IM BRIGHT RED AT THIS THOUGHT SHSNJDCJ also#cy !!! i will say that i love your writing and you put down your thoughts ….. this is such a cute read and my heart is so soft reading this#truly truly thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to write something as sweet as this for me ?!?! i am so blown away and so#thankful AND SO EMOTIONAL AND SO HAPPY oh )))): thank you thank you thank you thank you cy!!!! i adore you infinitely 🥹🥹🥹🤍🤍🤍#NOOOOO HE DOESNT NEED TO HELP ME CARRY IT ALL THE WAY THERE 🥹🥹🥹 SURELY SUCH A THING IS NOT IN HIS JOB DESCRIPTION#even if it was i would feel bad !!! T T oh my god please cy this image of him insistently that he’ll help is making me so red /pos he’s so#sweet ))): OH MY GOD AND THE RAMBLING SJSNSNDKXKKS IM REALLY SO RED AND FLUSTERED READING FHIS SKNSNDNX HES LISTENING TO IT 😭😭😭 HE IS#PERCEIVING ME 😭😭😭😭 but i do think my nervous chatter would activate in his presence — oh cy that would be so awful — to talk and talk and#talk his ear off :’) OMG OMG HE ALREADY TOLD JIAOQIU 😭😭😭 SAVIOR MOZE life saver moze i am indebted !!! TWICE NOW . THE BOX AND NOW THIS#him feeling proud ?! 🥹🥹 there is much more for him to feel proud about ! for example — how resilient he is / how strong he is / how kind he#is / how … i should not continue HIM KNOWING WHAT SKINCARE PRODUCTS I USE ????????? AND CHECKING WHEN IT RUNS LOW ??? ))))))): AND THE REMI#REMINDERS * MEAN SO MUCH TO ME OH CY ))): YOU ARE TOO TOO TOO KIND IM SO HONORED TO HAVE RECEIVED SUCH A GIFT insjdjxnj ))): cy !!!!!!!!!!#THE DESSERT …. I LOVE CINNAMON OR LEMON DESSERTS …… oh he is ))): he is too kind )): YOU!! ARE TOO KIND CY !!!!!! I WILL SOB INTO MY HANDS#BECAUSE THIS IS MAKING ME SO HAPPY AND )))): !!!! omg ))):#HE IS SO SWEET . HE MEANS WELL ???? I LOVE HIM I LOVE YOU I LOVE HIM I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU BOTH !!!!! i think i would genuinely burst into#tears thinking about him doing anything for me to :’) ease up some days :’) IM JUST :’) this is so thoughtful and so :’) im so incoherent a#and these tags are so messy — im just so happy and have read this like ten times over !! and go -> 🥹🥹 each and every time#thank you cy !!! ): from the very bottom of my heart!!!! you are such a skilled writer and you have such a kind heart#i saw your post about drabbles for friends and oh — im hugging you so tight — thank you for being so sweet to everyone ): i adore you so mu
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I dont even want to mark the anniversary but im already feeling so much dread and this is adding to it. The first year was the worst for sure, but year 3 rolling around is just. 3 years. 3 years. And it keeps getting worse. I never could have predicted the past 6 months even at my more pessimistic. I don't know how to get out of what happened. I can't go back. Mostly because it can happen again. It may get even worse. There's no safety. Even more so because there's no acknowledgement of what happened. Adapted transport won't even agree not to send buses anymore. Doesn't matter they left me unresponsive on the fucking street last time. The hospital never took accountability for what they did to me. Nothing. I have this impulse to shake everyone I see and scream "do you know what happening to me". This pandemic is fucked up. I wanna survive it. I don't wanna be a fucking number. I'm not even gonna be counted as a fucking number because now that covid crippled me, it can kill me without raising anyone's eyebrow. How convenient. I'm just gonna be another cripple that proves to abled people that they're safe from covid. Doesn't matter that I was abled 3 years ago.
#covid#long covid#begging on my knees. if i am to be reinfected. please#please let it be either inconsequential#or let it kill me#please dont make me get worse#if all i ever have is the hell of this summer and fall#i cant. its not life#its worse than death#even now. i should be elated. i can cook. i can do the dishes. sit all day!#i dont crawl in the bathroom#but it doesnt feel like anything. its not real#i still have to crawl to go outside. everytime. on the fucking floor. no choice for dignity#i still cant walk more than 2 steps#i still cant cook without assistance#i need help with everything#i wish i could appreciate the moment but all i have is the fear of triggering something new by accident#this is the longest ive gone. in 3 years. without a pem.#im a 2 months. all i feel is dread#its worse actually. bc im getting used to being able to move. and speak. and think#and the nxt time its taken away from me again#the next time i am locked inside my body. for days. days. weeks.#i wont be able to endure.#idk. posting bc i dont want to be invisible#this is what indifference did to me#this is what eugenics did to me. a genocidal society not giving a shit about people dying and being crippled#greedy systems eating us up for profit#so you can go party and fill their pockets
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being online makes me feel so isolated because i cant reach out to a single soul without feeling terrified of the rejection. im too tired to be any kind of meaningful friend or even mutual, but i have absolutely no one in real life. i come online for my crumbs of socialization and human interaction that i desperately crave, but once i have it i just feel more lonely. like people talk to me out of pity, out of feeling sorry, or just that they will always have people they like more. i feel like a baby. i feel like someone who will always be watching everyone else live the life i desperately want through the lens of social media while i rot alone in the house that killed me before i was born
#honey's words#this is dumb. i will probably delete. but who else could i even tell#writing in my virtual diary today...#and i am soooo fucking stressed. being with my mom in the same house is literally killing me#i screamed at the top of my lungs and shattered my phone throwing it at the ground yesterday and i juzt feel so much shame#i keep crying i keep having episodes its all going to kill me if i dont leave#my car needs fixing but my mom only wants me to make money for her as always#i just. oh my god can i just actually kill myself#and she legit juzt texted me asking for a carton of cigarettes. haha . just another $50 i need to scrounge up#by driving doordash with my car that desperately needs fixing but i can't!! BECAUSE I HAVE TO GIVE HER ALL MY FUCKING MONEY!!!#please... no more. literally no more. i have to go back to sleep bc thats the only time im not wanting to die#im scared for myself genuinely. i dont think i can make it through this time. i dont think i will survive .. i wasnt made to. god i am#two steps away from begging the lord to help me and im an atheist ahiwjsjs. there has to be some kind of relief.
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Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating
I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.
Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.
#speculation nation#'what a pain' haha get it bc chronic pain#frankly speaking the chronic pain part of it isn't the Worst. it's only a few times a month that i get my arm and leg aches#(though sometimes ill have bouts that last longer. like in january i think when i had arm aches for over a Week)#then again my rib cartilage inflammation is a permanent thing. my ribs Always are fucked up.#and i dont know 100% that it's bc of fibro but this condition has been linked to fibro and it didnt go away with anti-inflammatories So#in the end the pain isnt my biggest concern for treating my fibro. aside from the frequent headaches. i Would like to counter those.#what i really need is help with my chronic fatigue and weakness spells#i hate how fragile i feel so much of the time. bc im NOT weak. for my size im actually surprisingly strong.#but im quick to tire and if i push myself too hard then im practically bedridden#i will literally get symptoms of sickness if im too fatigued. including nausea and coughing and headaches#all fixed after ive gotten some rest. so im not Actually sick.#im tired and fed up with how finicky my body is and how i have to eat on time always or i'll be threatened with passing out.#havent passed out Yet but ive had some times where i end up Having to sit bc i get tunnel vision and my scalp is prickling#and it feels like my brain is squeezing and i know i Have to sit down Right Now#idk. there are many things like this. and i am sooooo tired of it.#i want a fibro diagnosis so i can actually get some help for the things that make life so hard to live.#im not depressed im just chronically fatigued. and so very tired.#give me some Energizing Meds or smth. help me please 😭😭😭 i hate living like this 😭😭😭😭😭#i wanna be able to do things without being bedridden for the rest of the day 😭😭😭😭 please 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for
#sorry but i just feel so isolated in the friend group#like no-one's leaving me out its just everyone is coupled up and the only other single people are in a qpr and go home together to watch#korra everytime we hang out and it kills that i'm the only one who has to go and be alone. everyone else skips off all happy and i'm left#to go back to my little den of depression and fight through the panic abandonment response that i get every time i leave them#but if i isolate myself completely i will be even worse. my therapist told me to make myself socialise as much as i can and i've been tryin#and it's usually alright for most of the time when we're together. like nice even if its heartbreakingly lonely and i dont have the spoons#to contribute consistently to conversations#vent#sorry i'm just. i feel like i'm falling apart slowly#catching bits as they fall and shoving them back into me but still deteriorating faster than i can fix myself#i want to stop.#i can't be a human anymore#i can study and live in literature but i cannot be human#i can't be loved.#i just want to beg one of my tutors to let me camp out in their office for a few hours so they can help me somehow do my essay#like. i can't do it on my own. i can't think enough to scrape up my memory of the books i'm writing about#and i don't have time to reread them to find quotes#i just. want to be a cat hiding under people's tables with the occasional pet from people who are kind enough to like my type of creature#but be left to sleep and do what i need to at my own pace#is that really so much to ask? can i become smaller please. take away this body of mine and give me something that fits the shape of me
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come to toronto! we have:
endless streams of pedestrians
cyclists that materialize out of nowhere going 30km/h
construction thats been going on since before you were born
left turns so sharp you might as well have made a u-turn
and much more confusing and inconvenient things!
#gwyn tinvaak#i had to go to toronto for work today#it took me 2 and a half hours to get there#and 2 and a half hours to get back#when physically im only an hour away#sitting in my car in traffic like LET ME OUT LET ME LEAVE PLEASE#i was at a stop sign trying to turn right for like 10 straight minutes because people just kept coming and crossing the street#the cyclists are terrifying cause of the above mentioned reason and also they have no fear and are mean#dont even get me started on the parking#luckily the place i went to had a public parking lot across the road and i got there early enough to get a spot#but god fucking help you if you have a car and need to be in the city
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Pain. Agony
#i guess i am going to the iabca show this weekend since i was invited to help out.#but the next akc show i am being pulled in 6 different directions and so scheduling must be done.#onofrio!!!! please!!!! it is less than 2 weeks away!!!!!#counts are as expected. i know most of the dogs entered in breeds i care about*#(* i care about all breeds but i only watch a few im genuinely interested in owning)#but i think there are going to be conflicts and these conflicts are going to be annoying to plan around#beauces SHOULD go first thing in the morning which would be awesome. if gsheps go directly afterward - awesome.#then i need to groom and be ringside for roughs. hopefully they go after lunch or just before.#but my friends would like some help with borzoi which i love to help with. but borzoi often go around the same time as roughs#late morning/early afternoon#and i need to set aside plenty of time to shoot the shit#i should honestly just get a hotel with someone instead of a 5 hr#drive/day#back and forth for two days#i should really go fri through sun for the specialties but i already took friday off the following week to volunteer for an independent#specialty#it really is incredible how one year ago i was looking for a dog show to go to - any dog show - and all i could find was one collie show#infodog you have changed my life in many ways.#oh and i am going ukc mode in november which will be fun. a friend might need some help with her girl (who i am obsessed with)#i dont like ukc as much as akc but it is nice to see klee kais and ambullies and silkens#its just too relaxed/unstructured 🤣#obviously i like to know a plan WELL in advance.. lol
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alright time to do what i do best
#nap my problems away!! <- FUCKING HARMED MYSELF AGAIN#i need. to stop doing that. i dont even have a knife on me i genuinely just stratch hard enouh and it hurts so i do that#cant stop myself i need to stop being so impulsive#anythjnt bad happens lately? scratch!#any minor inconvenience? scratch#hate yourself and feel worthless? scratch.#draw blood at some point and cover it up. i didnt feel it but i saw it. i saw blood.#im still in pain. thats alllrighttt. im gonna nap!!#cali naptime.. kity sleeptime. nap. nap it awayy. go to bed. sleep.#someone please help me.#can anyone hear me.#that's alright. just a bbit shaky.#still? fucking loser. cant even stay put in pain. deal wwith it. did this to yourself cali. u and u alone.
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YES!!
decriminalize:
sex work
addiction
criminalize:
golf
#decriminalize addiction PLEASE! theres like a billion studies on this and as it turns out criminalizing addiction does not get rid of it#the same thing with sex work. both of these will still invariably be around if the solution to them is just arrest people who engage with i#the decriminalization of addiction and sw must necessarily be accompanied with the expansion of universal/public healthcare and other#social welfare programs (including UBI)#i strongly believe that the roots of nearly all problems in the united states is the general absence or underfunding#of welfare programs; as well as the influences of corporations and dark money in government and legislation; both of these removed#absolutely will improve the usa in every way#the us needs to become a social democracy!#and dont even worry about the costs; the usa has enough money to fund these huge projects. especially if the government pulls out#funding from other areas such as from police departments and the military; and furthermore these projects can potenially pay for themselves#by uplifting millions of people who (now no longer severely impoverished; or homeless; or without adequate healthcare; etc.) can now provid#for society which pays for these projects and creates a virtuous cycle! government services can help everyone and everyone can help service#and the golf stuff needs to go! golf is a blight on this green earth; as are lawns (which golf-fields are a type of)#and (continuous) monocultural farms; all have terrible environmental effects#lawns use SOOOO much water just for maintenance; this water could be used for other things like DRINKING (which is#necessary to live)#and lawns are huge areas consisting of just one species of plant; while other species of plants are intentionally removed#from these fields for maintenance; and as it turns out! large patches of uninterrupted stretches of one single species of grass really hurt#the environment by literally taking space for other plants away and reducing biodiversity; these fields of only one plant act as deserts#lawns dont even have a real purpose! they provide nothing for the rest of society! at least monoculture farms give us food!#lawns just sit there looking ugly as hell and stealing our water and killing our environment for literally no reason!!!!!!!!#i unironically propose a georgist solution to golf and lawn: a progressive tax on the size (by square area) of fields; and criminalize#fields exceeding a certain threshold of size; and lifting certain regulations on the maintenance of personally owned lawns#or like just kill golf and lawns entirely#ok#rant#reblog
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