#My mother made it clear that it is my job alone to learn these things. When my brother expressed his rage over it she said the same to him.

[yhkz]

Being in that weird middleground of homeschooled and unschooled is very... Strange..!

[cogneato-inc]

Arthur Morgan x TransMasc!Reader Headcanons

Recently made some Discoveries about myself and in entirely unrelated news found that there is a Severe Lack of Boy Kisser Arthur Morgan

I am now dedicating my life to fixing this issue-

NSFT near the end !

The way he finds out is probably some kind of life or death situation (because of course it is)-

You two are away from camp, on what was supposed to be an easy job - some stagecoach with lackluster security, and apparently quite a bit of cash on board

But of course you weren’t the only ones with your eye on it; a gunfight ensues and long story short you’re injured- bad enough that Arthur notices almost immediately

It’s just your luck that you were hit in the side, you’ll have to take your shirt off to treat it- and as much as you try to protest, begging Arthur to let you handle it alone, he’s insistent that No, you Cannot take a bullet out of your own side, you Goddamn Fool (he’s exaggerating a little, it just grazed you - but he’s so so scared of losing you, why are you being so stubborn ???)

And of course you’re absolutely terrified of how he’s going to react, what’s going to happen to you, will you have to run away ?

But y’all he barely pauses-

You’re a good man, one of his best friends and a hell of a shot - he’s not letting you bleed out just because he’s a little surprised

(+ he’s been all over the place and met all sorts of folks, it’s probably not even his first time knowing someone who’s trans-)

He doesn’t mention it in the moment - doesn’t want to put any more stress on you, or say the wrong thing

But he’s sure not to treat you any different while he’s patching you up, and doesn’t hesitate about your pronouns or name when he talks to you about the injury

Helps you hide anything you need to while you’re healing - if you don’t have a tent he’s offering his own, and snapping at anyone who questions it

When he does eventually approach you to talk about it, he makes sure you know that he doesn’t see you any differently, and that nothing’s changed now that he knows

(Okay he says nothing’s changed but he Absolutely starts calling you ‘boy’ a lot more often-)

‘Atta boy-‘ ‘Good eye, boy.’ ‘Nice shootin’ boy!’

He‘ll stop if you ask, he just wants to make it clear that he doesn’t see you as any less of a man-

If he notices you haven’t had a chance to take off your bindings in a while he’ll tell everyone you’re going hunting together and take you into town to get a bath and hotel room for the night so you can take a break. (He’s a total mother hen when it comes to making sure you’re taking care of yourself)

Arthur didn’t have the best childhood but he’s got a lot of good memories of going fishing with Dutch and Hosea, and he definitely got into all sorts of mischief when he was younger. Roughhousing with John, learning how to shoot, swimming in the creek, etc, etc- as soon as he realizes you probably didn’t get a chance to make memories like that he is On It

He’s always telling you stories about his childhood, and he definitely encourages you to try out whatever you may have missed

If you don’t know how to fish he’s teaching you, End Of

(He pushes you into the water and you end up wrestling him in with you- you both go back to camp soaked to the bone and grinning. Definitely got scolded about all of the mud on your clothes)

Him teaching you how to shave ??? The Proximity,, o ugh

Once you’re together he takes every opportunity to call you His Man <3 <3 <3

On the nsfw side of things,,,

This man has been thinking of you every night for Months and this changes Absolutely None Of That

Of course before he knew you were trans his fantasies were a little different,, anatomy wise-

But he’s still Fucking his Fist thinking of you every night (when he has the energy </3), For Sure

Draws you Naked (whether you’ve been together or not - he has a Great Imagination) and Prays to God you never go through his journal-

Definitely Ogles you while you do chores around camp - Cannot keep his eyes off you

He pretends to be busy with something else so he can watch you chop wood, his eyes drift to your ass every time you bend over to grab anything

He has to physically Look Away anytime you hook your thumbs into your pockets, or stretch, or rest your hands on your belt, or aim a rifle, or haul bales of hay around- it’s torture, replaying in his head on nights when he doesn’t pass out as soon as he lays down.

When you finally get together and find the time to get down and dirty, Absolutely expect some ‘Good Boy’s thrown out -

For one this man has a Massive Praise Kink, giving and receiving - we all know this

But he also wants to give some extra reassurance in the moment, that even fully exposed you’re still a man in his eyes

Him eating you out on his knees in an alley ???

Your back against the wall and one hand in his hair while the other covers your mouth because damn he is GOOD at this but you have to keep quiet-

(Your taste gets him so worked up, he’s absolutely touching himself while he does it - spills on the ground when you cum, his other hand gripping your hip to help you stay upright)

[i-believe-in-melinda-may]

I started this as a joyful moment... it made me sad instead, so i had to share

For the last two months Rio has been using the times where Nicky has been sleeping to do one of two things either her job, as doesn’t want to leave him alone when he is awake for too long, or obsessively researching, tyring to find anything that could be Agatha, but as, Nicky sleeps on a sunny Thursday morning Rio isn’t doing either of those things, she is doing something which to her is much more important. Just like she has been all night Rio is in the kitchen, of the current house they are squatting in, putting the finishing touches on something she has been working on.

“Done,” Rio says proudly as she places the last candle on a, rather lopsided, birthday cake, before lighting all eight of them. “I think he’s going to like it,” Rio says, knowing that she could have done a better job if she used magic, but making a birthday cake for Nicky is something she wanted to do from scratch, without magic.

Picking up the cake, and the present she has spent weeks tracking down, Rio heads into the, very comfortable bedroom, Nicky is sleeping in, knowing that thanks to the blip it is easy to find abandoned houses in very good condition something which she has been using to her advantage.

“Nicky, wake up Mi Conejito,” Rio says as she walks into the room, turning the light on she does.

“Mommy?” Nicky asks, then she notices what she is holding. “It’s my birthday,” Nicky realises.

“It is,” Rio confirms as she walks over to him. “Do you remember what that means?” Rio asks.

“It means I get to make a wish,” Nicky says excitedly.

“Yep, and you get presents too,” Rio tells her son, lowering the cake so that it is closer to him. “Happy birthday Nicky,” Rio tells her son. “Make a wish,” Rio says, and getting a look of complete concentration on his face Nicky blows out all eight candles in one go. “One go, good job!” Rio tells her son. “So,” Rio says, as she puts the cake on the bedside table, but keeps hold of the present she is holding, and sits down next to him. “Do you want to tell me what you wished for?” Rio asks curious.

“Mama,” Nicky says, and Rio has to fight back tears at that, as her heart breaks for her son. “I wished for Mama to be here… that’s what I want most,” Nicky admits, as he looks up at Rio.

“It’s what I want most too, and Nicky I’m really sorry we haven’t found her yet,” Rio says, once again finding herself cursing the Darkhold as she knows that if it wasn’t for that damn book she would have been able to reunite Nicky with his other mother by now. “But we’re going to keep trying, we’re not going to give up,” Rio assures Nicky.

“I know,” Nicky responds, believing that, but it is also clear that he is sad about not seeing his mother.

“I know it’s not the same as Mama being here, but I have something of hers, something I wanted to give you,” Rio says, giving the present she is holding to Nicky. “Open it,” Rio says encouragingly, and Nicky opens the present to reveal a very old book.

“It’s a book,” Nicky says, but even he can tell that it is more than that.

“It is, but it’s more than that,” Rio explains, confirming what Nicky has already realised. “Mama has always wanted to learn everything she could about magic, she always wants to learn more, understand more, always wants to expand her knowledge,” Rio explains, knowing that Agatha would often say that knowledge can be more powerful than raw power. “Long before you were born, she started to write her own spell book so she could keep a record of her knowledge,” Rio explains, knowing that that particular book doesn’t have anything too dangerous in it as she checked. “She gave it to me for safekeeping, but I know it’s always meant to be yours,” Rio explains to her son.

“Mama wrote this whole book?” Nicky asks amazed.

“She did,” Rio says, knowing it’s not the only book of magic Agatha has written but it’s not the time for that conversation.

“Wow,” Nicky says amazed, as he starts to flicker through the pages, finding it fascinating, looking so much like Agatha as he does, and together Nicky and Rio celebrate Nicky’s eight birthday by eating birthday cake in bed while Nicky reads the book that makes him feel a little closer to his mama; but while they do have a good time it is clear that they both feel Agatha’s absence.

[biribaa]

WAWAAWAWAAWW ROMANCE THIS PLATONIC THIS WHATEVER I WANT TO SEE SCRYBES AS PARENTAL FIGURES

Leshy would be a well balanced father, he knows when to treat you sweetly and he knows when you need to be scolded. For me Leshy is one of the most leisurely patrons, so you can have plenty of free time to do any kind of parent and child activity.

I really believe that Leshy would teach you how to make wooden figures. Just you, his dear child, and him, making some wooden figures together. Did you cut yourself with the knife? Of course, don't worry, Leshy will have his full attention for you and take care of your cut. Leshy isn't desperate with certain injuries of yours, of course he's worried, but he knows you're going to be fine.

Leshy will have a hard time making food for you... Seeing how he's not very fond of cooking. Having some cookbooks would be nice right now...

Leshy tends to sleep hugging you, he wants to make sure you're warm, the woods usually tend to be cold, and he would hate to see his dear child have to suffer from a cold nose and sneezing.

Leshy will teach you how to hunt, write, read, how to skin animals without getting blood on you, etc. Basics for you to survive in the forest if at some point you want to live alone.

Also, Leshy tells you bedtime stories! He was hesitant at first, but seeing how insistent you were, he couldn't say 'no' to your lovely smile.

.

I bet Grimora has dreamed/wanted at some point in her life to have a child, so trust me, you are a blessing in her life!

Grimora showers you with verbal support. You did a drawing of her? "Why, isn't this splendid my child! I'm truly proud of you Y/N. Keep drawing and I bet you'll be even better than uncle Magnificus!". You finish the duties Grimora sent you to do? "Good job Y/N! I know that I could always trust you." Or anything else that you made a effort? "Magnificent Y/N! I'm so happy to hear this news!"

She doesn't spoil you, but Grimora clearly gives the attention every child needs to you and you alone. Grimora doesn't just want to be your mother, she wants to be your friend.

Grimora loves to teach you things, even the simplest things, like sewing or how to make tea. And after that the two of you try to sew something together while she listens to you talk about your day.

.

Magnificus being a father figure is similar to Leshy, but more protective. Leshy trusts you and knows you can get by with his learnings, while Magnificus is extremely protective of you.

He always asks where you're going and who your new friends are. Don't get him wrong, Magnificus its just worried and care about you, both your physical and mental health. He wants to make it more than clear that you are not just anyone, but the child of Magnificus. Perhaps this sudden fame and a lot of people treating you like royalty might irritate you slightly, so it would be best to talk to Magnificus about the situation if that's what bothers you, so he can make an attempt to sort things out.

I don't think Magnificus is one of the best fathers, so he puts a lot of expectations on you as his child, but over time he realizes that you are not a saint and sometimes you just don't have the physical/mental strength to do certain things , he tries to lighten the weight of expectations and responsibilities on you while you're still just a kid, you deserve to be free :]

And like Grimora, Magnificus likes to shower you with verbal support, always telling you he's proud of you for doing your chores. Sometimes, he even gives you gifts that he knows you like!

Magnificus is also a great listener. The moment between the two of you while Magnificus paints a picture and you talk endlessly about your interests is pleasant for him. Speaking of painting, you're the first person he shows the paintings he's done!

.

Oof, P03 is a tough one.

P03 never planned or was interested in having a child, and yet, here you are.

P03 is horrible at showing the affection they have for someone. The easiest type of affection for P03 to express affection is simply helping you with whatever difficulties you are having.

They help you pick up things you can't reach for your size, helps you with tasks you're having and listens to you talk about the horrible day you had (with a bonus of them calling whoever bothered you an asshole. And having something against that person after that day).

And of course P03 will teach you strategies and how to play cards, saying that "I don't want to suffer the shame of having a horrible player as a child", but in fact he meant "Omfg I don't want anyone calling my kid a loser I want them to be the best so they can be proud of themselfand not have their mental health destroyed by idiots"

And when P03 praises a drawing you made for it or completed a task or won a card battle, it just says "Good job Y/N", with a lil' pat pat in your head. But he SWEARS he's been so positively affected by the things you've done, he just has a big problem expressing it. So please, do tell him if you don't feel appreciated enough, and P03 will make an attempt to show his true feeling more.

[twig-tea]

Cooking Crush Finale: I'm Going to Miss This Show

Honestly tl;dr on this post is that this show is great, it ended leaving me the way the show has felt for me week to week, which is a good thing. I've said it too many times in tags and posts but let's say it once more: This show is fundamentally kind, it felt like it was giving me a hug every week, and I'm going to miss that a lot.

In my post after ep10 I mentioned that the writing on this show was making me so happy by having the conflicts converge on this one contest, and that did come to fruition in a way that I found very satisfying. The one nitpick I will say is the bullying storyline did feel dropped. Theoretically, from a thematic read, I actually love that, because these bullies had the best possible comeuppance by becoming completely irrelevant to Prem, Dy, and Samsee's lives and utterly forgotten. They failed at getting them kicked out of the contest, failed at eroding their self-esteem, and failed at preventing them from succeeding. The victory over the bullies is really how these three left that contest still feeling proud of themselves, good about what they accomplished, and optimistic about their futures. The show focusing on their group hug rather than the "winners" of the contest underscores that for me. And I love that we get the timeskip to see Prem's chef's table restauraunt, and that all of them are there as the first customers (including Metha, so glad this MVP stayed part of the group!). However, without the show telling me explicitly that should be my takeaway, I hesitate to assume that's what it meant to do (rather than the show just running out of time). It's satisfying enough for me, but I acknowledge that I had to fill in that detail on my own to be satisfied. And I am willing to do that for this show because it did such a good job with the other threads.

The conflict with Ten's dad was so satisfyingly tied up in Prem wanting to win the contest--not just to prove that he was worthy of Ten, but to be able to pay Ten's father back for the money he'd gotten--and I appreciated how Ten's resolution with his father was nuanced and not perfect. His father showed his support and gave verbal acknowledgment of Prem as a suitable partner but remained distant, and that visual contrast of him sitting at the restaurant table alone in the same spot he used to sit with Ten and his mother was telling. He doesn't apologize, but he doesn't get an easy redemption either; it felt very in character that he'd only accept Prem in Ten's life after Prem proved himself over time (and only after Ten continued to prove that he was still going to live up to his father's expectations while dating Prem).

I referenced in my Fire & Dynamite hype post that one of the things their relationship does for Dy is give him confidence that someone will be there in his corner. When he came out of the room having lost and was the only one without someone to hug, my heart dropped. But his did too, and it's because he knew, in that moment, that something was wrong. He had learned to expect and rely on Fire's presence, and that growth is something I loved to see. The way he went searching for Fire rather than internalizing that Fire wasn't there for him, and then was able to be there for Fire in the confrontation with Fire's mom--that meant so much to me. It was subtle, but compare it with the scene in ep10 when Fire shows up at the contest and Dy is surprised to even see him. My boy has grown so much! That confrontation with the mom was also really well done; I loved that Fire made it clear his sexuality was not Dy's 'fault' but was something he'd hidden from his mother and tied all of that up in his dynamic with her overall: that he's afraid to share his true self with her because he's afraid of disappointing her. This was such a huge moment for Fire, and I was so proud of him! And I love that it took her time to go away with that, sit with it, and decide to take it in and to change. And I also love that she still doesn't really like Dy, and that their relationship is antagonistic tolerance lol that was a satisfyingly realistic place for those relationships to land, and I really appreciated that none of that was easy. The look on Dynamite's face when he sees Fire's mother accepting him was so complicated; I absolutely loved Aungpao in that scene. Seeing someone you love being accepted for something you weren't by your own parent is so complicated a feeling--I don't doubt for a second that he was so happy for Fire, but there's a moment where I'm sure he was also feeling sorry for himself (rightly so). And Aungpao was able to communciate that complexity of emotion. I'm really looking forward to seeing more from him in future.

And the way they retained the Ten and Prem communication dynamics all the way through was so satisfying for me! I wrote a really long post about this halfway through the series here, and I haven't felt the need to do anything as thorough for the back half because the show really just kept doing more of the same (and I loved it every time). But, just to highlight this moment in the finale, when Ten asks Prem to say he loves him, and Prem kisses him and asks if Ten can hear him--for once, Ten doesn't ask him to use his words, he just asks Prem to say it louder (i.e. kiss him more), because Prem is now using his words more regularly and Ten finally understands what he means with his gestures, he no longer has uncertainty requiring the reassurance of explicit communication. It was a really cute nod to their continued pattern through this show, and to the deepening of the understanding between them.

Tying this moment from the finale to one of the broader things I found so comforting about this show: The relationship between Ten and Prem took work, which they showed on-screen, both the initial formation and the maintenance. And in that work, we got to see a couple stay together through difficult times, decide together how to handle problems as they come up, support one another through hardships, comfort one another, give one another strength, and ultimately make one another better at the things they were trying to achieve. Even though there was very little fighting in a literal sense, these two are my ultimate battle couple to date. I wanted to hug this show back every week as these characters made choices I'd been yelling at my screen for protagonists to make for literally years. And there was still conflict, and the characters still had growing to do, and they weren't perfect. But they let one another not be perfect, they let one another be hurt, and then work through that together. This relationship has skyrocketed to one of my favourites in any BL.

And as much as I love this core relationship, as well as the incredibly nuanced queerness of Dynamite and Fire's dynamic, which was so satisfying to see depicted on my screen every week too, and which I will absolutely love forever--the way Dy gave Fire space to figure out how and when to come out even to the point of risking his own precarious housing situation, and then supporting him by being honest about what to expect (and what he will be risking) is something I will also hold this close to my heart as one of my favourite BL moments--the best thing about this show was the core friendships. I will be forever thankful for a show that treated its core queer friendships with the same or even higher priority to the romantic relationships. I've written previously about how exciting it was to me that one of the major conflicts in this show was between the friend group, and I want to call that out again because it was so rare and so satisfying as an arc. And that moment in episode 10 when Ten delays asking Prem to be his boyfriend in order to allow Prem his emotional reunion with his friends was such an important gesture--not just for Ten and Prem, but for the Cooking Crush audience. It was so rare and satisfying to see a show prioritize friendship first.

Alright I've ranted enough. If you weren't sure about this show for whatever reason (too much else to watch; heard rumblings about some of the early episodes; didn't want to trust GMMTV again), I am happy to tell you that if you like good character arcs, solid writing, class dynamics, queer representation, found family dynamics, good communication, couples that stay together and persevere as a team, and lovable dorks, this show was wonderful and it holds up.

AND IT LET TEN KEEP HIS GLASSES ON THE WHOLE WAY THROUGH!!

I'd recommend the uncut version, which is available for free with a Thai VPN on WeTV or grey, but the cut version is available on YouTube and a couple of very cool tumblr folks have summarized and provided clips of the cut bits so nobody has to miss out: @respectthepetty (here) and @keepthetension (here). Thank you both for your hard work every week!

[nurse-floyd]

Bradley’s Birthday Surprise

Happy birthday @vivwritesfics 💕💕

Viv gave me the challenge (and privilege) of writing for Bradley, Bob and Pup for her series HATM and oh my gosh it was so much fun! I hope you like it and hope you have an amazing day love!

Pup was determined to make Bradley’s birthday extra special this year, especially since it was the first one with him. She still had a lot to learn about the pack and being an omega (and a werewolf in general) but one thing she knew was that Bradley was important to her. He and Bob had been nothing but kind to her, welcoming her with open arms and gaining her trust. She wanted to show Bradley just how much he meant to her, and what better way than with a homemade birthday cake? She’d seen Bob bake treats before; it didn’t look too hard, and everyone seemed to light up when he made muffins or other snacks for them.

It was early in the morning, and Bob and Bradley were still asleep as she slipped out and tiptoed into the kitchen. The sun showed no signs of rising yet as she quietly moved around the kitchen and pulled out one of Bob’s cookbooks. She flipped through the pages until she landed on one she liked the look of: a simple white-frosted cake with tiny red hearts covering the whole thing. She set it on the counter and began to read out the ingredients and equipment she’d need, determined to make this the best first birthday with the pair.

As soon as she began gathering ingredients, it was clear this was a bigger job than she’d first expected. Things started to go wrong - flour puffed into the air as she dumped it into the bowl, covering her and the counter from head to toe in white dust. Eggs cracked, half in the bowl and half on the counter, as the gooey contents slipped onto the floor. Sugar spilled from the ripped bag onto the counter, and she even managed to smear butter across her forehead as she wiped a hand across her brow.

Bob’s nose twitched as he woke to the smell of…not cake, but something sweet. His eyes still blurred with sleep. He groaned as he heard the sound of dishes clanking coming from the kitchen. Bradley was awake now too, staring at him with bleary eyes. Only, they were alone in the bedroom, and there was no sign of Pup.

“I’ll go check on her. She probably went to get a snack or drink,” Bob said with a yawn.

He looked at the dresser and saw the time; it was early morning. He leaned over the other man, giving him a gentle kiss. “Happy birthday.”

Bradley chuckled in response, still sleepy as he turned over and began snoring again.

Bob knew it was her in the kitchen, if her absence didn’t tell him, her scent alone gave that away. “Pup?” he called as he made his way down the stairs.

The sight made him stop in his tracks. His kitchen was a disaster zone, and his Pup stood in the middle, a proud grin spread across her face, covered in smudges of flour and butter. He eyed the book next to her, also covered in a mess of flour and who knew what else, and saw the page it was open to.

“Oh, Pup…” His expression softened as he realized what she was attempting to do. He moved closer and let out a small chuckle. She looked adorable.

She looked up at him with what he could only describe as the expression of a child on Mother’s Day morning attempting (and failing) to make breakfast. “I was trying to make Bradley a birthday cake…but I don’t think I’m as good a baker as you…You make it look so easy!”

His heart melted at the sight of her. “It’s okay, Pup. You were trying to do something really nice,” he reassured her. “Why don’t we clean this mess up, and then we can start over again, together?”

Her eyes widened as she practically leaped into his arms, smothering him in kisses and baking ingredients. Bob set her down and moved further into the mess that used to be his kitchen. With his help, the kitchen began to look more like how he’d left it the night before. The counters were wiped down, flour swept up, and eggshells tossed out. He even managed to get the butter and flour off her face and out of her hair, though she still faintly smelled of it. God, he didn’t think he could love her more, but true to her nature, she was always surprising him.

Bob began to measure out the ingredients, handing them to her to place into the bowl. He taught her how to properly crack the eggs (without getting half the shell in the batter) and how to fold in the flour just right. Her enjoyment was clear, and the anxiety Bob had smelled coming off her before slowly dissipated as the cake began to come together.

With the cake in the oven, Pup felt an immense sense of pride. She’d actually helped make a cake. Her first ever birthday cake! She helped Bob make the frosting, intent on getting the shade of red just perfect for her Bradley; he deserved nothing less. Finally, with the cake cooled, it was time to frost it. He did the majority of the work, while Pup watched, eyes wide, almost mesmerized as he worked to smooth the frosting out. She let out a giggle a little too loud for that time of the morning when he smudged a finger of frosting on her nose.

Bob couldn’t help but grin at the level of concentration on her face, her little tongue poking out as she practiced making hearts on a scrap piece of parchment paper before decorating the cake.

“Bradley’s going to love it,” Bob said, smiling down at her and placing a kiss on the crown of her head.

“I hope so,” she replied.

As they heard Bradley stirring upstairs, Pup quickly placed a few birthday candles on top of the cake, and they both stood ready with big grins on their faces.

When Bradley walked into the kitchen, rubbing sleep from his eyes, he was met with the sight of his two favorite people in the world standing by the table. The cake stood proudly in front of them, and he could practically see Pup vibrating with excitement.

‘So this is what they’ve been doing…’ he thought to himself.

“Surprise!” Pup shouted, her voice full of joy.

Bradley’s eyes widened, and he let out a deep laugh at her excitement. “What’s all this?”

“Happy birthday!” Pup said proudly. “It’s your birthday cake. I made it…with a little help from Bob.”

He moved towards her, and she practically leaped into his arms, his hands coming to hold her under her legs so she wouldn’t fall. “Thank you, Pup. I love it!” he whispered in her ear and placed a kiss on her cheek.

He looked over her shoulder at Bob and mouthed another thank you. The other man moved closer, resting a hand on Pup’s back where she was still clinging to Bradley, and placed a kiss on his other cheek. “Happy birthday. This was all her idea; I just helped.”

Reluctantly, he set her down as they all gathered around the cake. He’d have all the time to say thank you to them later. Bob lit the candles, and they all watched as Bradley blew them out. He couldn’t have wished for anything better than being surrounded by the pair of them.

[melancholiaenthroned]

ok its been a few hours here r my absolute batman thoughts...

starting off with what immediately stood out: that man is not blond. we have spent weeks either bemoaning or defending blond bruce wayne, only for him to appear, not blond. when was the choice to unblond him made? neither of his parents are blond, perhaps then? he also doesnt appear to have his gay little dog, but he havent seen much of his home life so im still holding out hope.

the first thing i will say that jumped out to me, and something ive already commented on, is how much of a scott snyder batman book this feels like. which it is, but god i missed this feeling. snyder writes batman a bit more lone wolfy than other writers, but with a very well defined ensemble cast when the need arises. snyders alfred is one of the only ones ive ever actually had, like, any opinions or feelings on, and so having him (even a very different version of him) star in the opening issue feels right. speaking of snyders alfred -- julia! julia mention, julia graduation photo! julia:-) seeing alfred call her in one of the first pages was my first sigh of relief like oh were gonna be okay... theyre estranged, which makes sense considering any alfred but especially this one, but i do wonder why/for how long considering alfred does appear to have been at her college graduation, and i assume shes around the same age as bruce.

bruce who, speaking of, is 24 and born in... 2004. setting this comic in 2028 but also! thats fucked up! what do you mean batman is the same age as me? that gives me four years to bulk up and learn how to do. whatever bruce did with that massive gun to make it "non lethal" (comic books....). its very weird to have a gen z batman but also makes sense considering snyder said this book represents more his thoughts on the mindsets of his children rather than his own (as was the case for his original batman run). bruce is an idealistic young person now! with young person friends... also weird to think that in this universe, killer croc, the penguin, two face, and catwoman were probably also born in the 2003-2005 range (they appear to have been childhood friends, i assume they went to the same school and were maybe also at the zoo that day?).

this is disorganized and i dont have a transition into this section but: the main "twist" of the issue, which i was not expecting at all. martha is alive. bruce lost his father, but he never lost his mother. it makes sense why he seems a little more idealistic (or maybe thats just Alfred's pov skewing events), he really does have like. a whole life. he has friends and a mother and a job, hes not a sad boy left alone in a manor. really not much to say about this considering its only the first issue, but im really excited to see where it goes. it does make this batman feel a little like superman in an interesting way. hes a lot more ingrained in the city by working a job that actually touches its core, hes a mamas boy, he (or at least his social circle) is involved enough in local politics to be going to town hall meetings. and of course. his main villain appears to be this weird ultra rich guy...

which leads me to other main snyder-ism of the issue: we gotta get the joker in here, and he is NOT funny. in classic snyder fashion the joker is SERIOUS now. he wears muted colors and never laughs and is a brunette (which could all change when/if he gets dumped in acid).i really wasnt sure if he was gonna do it, after all snyder has already pretty extensively covered the joker in his old run, and while i think hes literally the best joker writer ever, i wasnt sure if hed been interested in tackling the character in what is essentially a new batman origin. but here he is! and the tables are turned -- bruce is friends with all the jokers old compatriots, and the joker is alone and insanely rich. i honestly really have no idea what to expect from this plot going forward, obviously the current focus is black mask and his gang, but its clear the joker is going to have some part to play. im excited about it, im not one of the people who dislikes joker stories on principle and i was really hoping for snyder to introduce him into this world so its a win for me if nothing else.

anyway! not sure how to conclude this, but these are my thoughts! its been a while since ive been this excited for a bat run, and this will probably be the only thing keeping me going for a while considering weve got tom taylor on tec now. but god. im just so happy. remember being excited about batman comics? if any of u guys read absolute batman plsss lmk what u thought...

[thestormthatrises]

Hey, #Moshang Nation, do you guys ever think about MBJ never actually having seen SQH actually, honest to God, cry?

Like, he thinks he has. Lord knows he's heard the man whine enough and seen him scrunch up his face as if he were actually crying but... SQH'S character sheet maxed out the acting category. He tends to do it for some sympathy or leniency. It's all cold and calculated.

Even when in pain. Even when with LGJ. Even when leaving MBJ... His eyes watered, there was pain, such clear tangible hurt just--everywhere. But no crying. Just suffering, despair and resolve. The inevitable acceptance of whatever tragedy that has come.

SQH has long since understood that crying, for real crying, is a worthless venture for people like him. He learned early on, when he was just a kid. He would get hurt, or scared, or lonely and he would cry out for his parents for help, for comfort, for love and no one would come

He would cry and get scolded for crying. 'Be a man' they'd say. 'What did you do this time?' they'd accuse. 'Grow up.' was a common command. 'Good boys don't cry.' Was always the last reminder before they left him again

He made the mistake 01 time to cry in front of his peers, during his first life.

He made a point of never doing it a second time in his next one. The humiliation of laying yourself bare and then being ridiculed for the rest of his middle school years was enough for one lifetime

So he didn't cry. I mean, he did... When he was alone and the sadness and the pain and the loneliness became too much and he just needed a second. A millisecond. Just to let it out. Just to feel.

But he didn't let anyone else see him do it.

He wishes he could cut off his tear glands. They do him no favors. They make him weaker than he already is. Uglier than he already is. He hates crying so much. He hates how he feels when he does cry. He wishes he would never have to actually cry again.

MBJ doesn't know the difference between SQH'S fake crying and his actual, genuine sobs until they reach the point of their relationship that they're almost christening whatever it is they have as "dating couple" and SQH had locked himself in his room to stress cry

And it's not even about the changing of status. It's just this ball of negative emotions, the self loathing, the self doubt, the stress about if it's the right decision or not to change the good thing they have-- it's the fear of losing MBJ. It's about not being good enough

So, he's in his room and he's just sobbing. His whole body is crying, shaking, quivering under the might of his emotions. His face ia disgusting and raw and pained. He's holding onto his mantra, the one he would repeat when his parents would tear him down for not being the Perfect child; or would blame him for them not being a family; or would point out how useless he was.

"I did my best...! I was only doing my best--!"

And there MBJ is, witnessing this break down, trying to figure out what happened and who he's going to have to kill for doing... This!!! To *his* Qinghua!!

But then, Qinghua let's out this very pathetic whimper and calls out for him, for MBJ--

He doesn't call to gods for help, for ascended immortals. Hell, he doesn't even call out for his mother. No, he calls out for the only one that's been a true safe haven for all these years, for rock, his comfort character. The one he loves most And MBJ can't just ignore that.

ASFGHJFBBKJH I don't know where to go with this but XD I just want MBJ scooping SQH and letting him cry and whispering to him "I know you did your best. You did a good job. You are enough"

[ircnbeauty]

did you hear the latest scoop ? we’ve got a new student joining us ! a little birdie told me that they’re called CHEONG NAYEON, but they kinda remind me of KIM YOOJUNG — don’t ‘cha think ? you’re probably thinkin’ they’re just another 23 year old in their THIRD year of some BACHELOR’S DEGREE IN ENGLISH EDUCATION, but wait ‘till you hear about their METAL MANIPULATION! nifty, huh ? they’re pretty RELIABLE on nullivi, but you should watch out for their INDECISIVENESS just in case ! anyway — if you wanna check them out, i heard they’re staying at the YELLOW HALL as their latest SECRETARY. oops ! you didn’t hear that one from me ! ༊*·˚

happy belated opening everyone! this is maeve ( +21/ she,her / gmt +8 ) and its been a long time since i last rped on tumblr so bear with me everyone if i'm a little bit slow on some things but i'm truly more than happ to be here! so sorry it took me a while to get this intro out but ooc life was being a little too hectic for my taste but i managed to get this done so lets goooo! simply leave a like and i'll be in your dms to message for brainstorming and plots!

INSIGHT ON HER HISTORY

— first thing first, cheong nayeon is currently a third year of her bachelors degree's in english education at seoul university of anomalies where she's hoping to graduate wit flying colors and became a teacher. she's known to harnessed the ability of metal manipulation and the beloved and very reliable secretary of the yellow hall. — she came from a middle class family with two parents who were both anomalies with her being the only child. whilst they weren't exactly very wealthy, they were never short of money or love and affection for each other. obviously, she gained her powers from her parents with her mother's being metal manipulation and her fathers having clay mimicry as his. — her mother was a small jewelry brand owner where she uses her powers her to make beautiful delicate jewelry whilst her dad was a history teacher in a high school. — nayeon's powers began to manifest when she was only 3 years old with curiosity naturally getting the best of her as she'd always been a curious child and couldn't stay still for a second and practically demanded for her mother's attention by controlling the metals her mom had been working on for her job to go to her instead. ( of course, that definitely got her mother's attention rather quickly when your own toddler is attempting to shove silver chains into their mouth. ) — nayeon had been homeschooled for her first years as she didn't really knew how to control her powers at a young age and her parents absolutely refused to put on the nullivi patches on her when she was far too young. — having have to be at home for the most part, nayeon may or may not consumed too much superhero medias where she'd seen so many heroes helping others with their unique abilities and decided that she wanted to be a hero too cause she had cool powers too! — eventually, once her parents had trained her to control her powers better, she'd began to go to school like a normal girl but was frequently advised to never use her powers in front of anyone which bumped the poor girl out. ( because why couldn't she use her powers? but she was a good girl so she naturally obeyed ) but when she was only 12 years old, there was a construction site nearby her middle school district and just from sight alone, it was clear the construction site wasn't following safety protocols and there could have been a fatal accident if it hadn't been for little nayeon using her powers to stop iron beams from falling onto fellow school-mates and seriously injured them. — however, instead of being thanked for saving them, her displays of her powers only made people feared her and for the first time, nayeon finally learned why her parents didn't let her use her powers as often as she liked because they never wanted her to experience the discrimination many anomalies often faced for their unique abilities at such a young age. and nayeon's heart broke when she realized she couldn't be a hero when so many people didn't want one and in fact would down on her own prowess that she'd been so proud of for years. — the incident only made her an outcast in middle school as everyone else made sure to avoid her, even her own teachers. this of course led her begging her parents to buy the patches for her so she could simply fit in her peers. it didn't work and worse, she absolutely hated the patches and the side effects she gets from them ( nausea/migraines ) and would absolute get rid of them whenever she had the chance to. — but she had to wear them just so she could continued to attend public schools where she was nothing more but a social outcast and a wallflower. it gotten worse when she began to attend high school where her kind nature and desperation not to be lonely frequently gotten taken advantage of so many times. and this frequent abuse of her trust only made her more withdrawn and reserved, a very stark difference to the little girl who was so passionate about being a hero.

— this of course worried her parents immensely who desperately wants the best for their only child and decided to have nayeon to join a volunteering club to help out the less fortunate anomalies, in hopes of cheering her up. this worked perfectly as nayeon not only brightened even more in the company of other anomalies like her, but it sparked a passion of her to wanting to keep helping others even more especially when her kind nature always had such a desire but she was never allowed. — soon, she began studying at seoul university for anomalies and truly, she absolutely thrived in the environment where she'd not only was able to use her powers freely and not be seen like a freak, but was able to frequently help others as much as she liked to ; especially now as she'd recently became the new secretary for the yellow hall. — she dreams of becoming an english teacher and desperately hopes for an anomaly-only schools for middle schools and high schools aged students where the anomalies would be able to thrives without repressing their abilities. — nayeon also hoped to heal from her scarred and wounded childhood where she'd finally moved on but healing takes time and she's kinda worried it'll take forever ( anomaly group therapy, anyone? )

INSIGHT ON HER PERSONALITY. — at first glance, she rather seemed shy and timid amd obviously not the best at social interactions ( introverted, socially awkward peeps, where you at?! ) but when one takes a closer look, many people found her to be a rather sweet and gentle-mannered person who's always there to lend a helping hand for others and is probably one of the most reliable students. — aside from her socially awkward self, she's quite humorous and very funny thanks to herself inheriting the humor from her father. ( god bless clay papa ) will she make a joke in very inappropriate times? possibly. will she also have the audacity to laugh at them too? oh very much so. ( have mercy, she's just coping with humor ) — still very much has emotional scars from the events of her childhood and adolescence years which naturally transitions herself to being very self-critical and having so much insecurities, it often leads her to being so unsure of herself and her own decision making. — perhaps one of the most indecisive people to ever existed. she would always need a second opinion before choosing anything and its even worse when it comes to supporting which students politics, especially when she sees both perspectives. whilst a part of her still wants to fit in among the humans, another part of her still resents them heavily for the discrimination and its a constant battle between them. — its even worse between the sporting rallies as she immensely enjoyed watching all of them ( and especially the good-looking athletes but we don't talk about that ) so she rather much just sit back and just watch instead of just picking one to support.

WANTED CONNECTIONS. — friends! like please be her friend, perhaps maybe be even her closest friends! she may be terrible at trying to socialize with new strangers but i keep her keeping a very close group of friends to which she's basically the mother friend who often fussed over them. open to anyone and everyone! — perhaps an ex? her first love and sweetheart that she dated since coming to sua, possibly a sweet first love romance that slowly matured with time before something happened and they naturally drifted apart and broke up ( nayeon may or may not still have feelings for them ) — yellow hall residents! she's always more than happy to help others out even if it were just tedious things like getting things such as lights to be fixed or having to let them or anything really! — perhaps have any of the student politics trying to convince her to support their side, actually make her choose between them! — generally i'm just very much open to any kind of brainstorming any kind of plots and connections and i am just really excited to write with all of you!

[donnerpartyofone]

Wow, I just saw where you put the comma in your user name. It's even funnier now.

I never thought of it as Donner, Party of One as a table reservation. Announced in an officious tone.

I pictured it as donnerparty OF ONE. Meaning there is only one person in the Donner Party. As in, you are all alone in the cold woods eating yourself. LOL.

Hahaha obviously this is the username that keeps on giving! It's interesting how people react to it. I don't remember how long ago I came up with it but I'm sure I was feeling VERY clever, it would be many years before I learned that Robin Williams made the same joke in some standup routine, and he probably wasn't the first person to think of it either. I once applied for a job where the person who interviewed me vigorously insisted that I got it from the movie SCREAM, and I'm sure that joke is nowhere to be found in any installment of SCREAM but she was so passionate about her assumption for some reason, I didn't fight her on it too hard; in retrospect I chose the irrational belief that that was an omen that that was going to be a really hard, shitty, low-paying job.

My conscious interest in cannibalism emerged during my first semester at college, where it became clear that I had been interested in cannibalism all along but had never really connected the dots. It seemed to be the most frightening and compelling thing I could think of. When I was a kid I had a copy of Silence of the Lambs that I carried around like it was the Bible, reading it over and over. I had intensely vivid nightmares about THE TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE for years before I would ever see the movie, my brain just seemed to know it would become a big part of my life. RAVENOUS came out right before I went to college and when I got there I made a cult out of it; I was watching it at-least-daily in the dorm lounge, which at first people hated, then some people started to join me, then after we came back from Thanksgiving I learned that a lot of people went home and showed it to their families! And then it seemed to happen that whenever I picked the movie, it would involve cannibalism unpredictably--none of us were Shakespeare-literate enough to know it would be in TITUS, and when it randomly came up in DEAD MAN everyone turned around and looked at me like I must have known, like I tricked them. There were other examples that aren't coming to me. At some point it just sort of became my identity. I used to have a couple of fork & knife clothing patches that I painted and wore on various things.

I just think it's interesting, like it has lots of allegorical possibilities. I'm mainly attracted to it as a description of extreme anti-sociality. Like in TEXAS CHAIN SAW, you have a nuclear family in the American heartland, but instead of a heterogeneous unit that makes more people, you have a clan that is somehow only males and they consume people. (I mean there's a mother theoretically but she's literally a mummy, which I think is pointed) I'm interested in that kind of unhealthy system inversion. But people react to it all kinds of different ways, it's curious. I recently contacted this woman who wrote a horror-related paper I loved and she replied that she'd be happy to talk to me about anything "except cannibalism :)". I said this elsewhere but when I arrived at this book launch I had to host last week, the author told me "You know you're doing something right if people are offended!" and explained that when the event was publicized with my bio attached, which listed some of my academic interests, some guy emailed him "THERE IS NOTHING FUNNY ABOUT CANNIBALISM!" and cc'd a bunch of different people like it was an emergency; I mean considering what else was in my bio, I guess he thinks I find murder and sexual exploitation "funny" too, but none of that stuff bothered him. After the event someone waited patiently to tell me about his favorite metal band that only plays songs about serial killers, including some prominent cannibals, and I had to promise I would listen to it. Whatever you think about it, it's a very provocative topic, and I guess it's good that people are still sensitive enough to have a strong reaction!

[canonicallyobserving911]

Buck & Eddie: Conversations about their parents

The two conversations Buck and Eddie had about their parents happened while they were away from everyone else or while they were alone and the privacy allowed them to vent their frustrations to one another. They both know how difficult it is for the other one when they have to visit and/or spend time with their parents; so, they were there to support each other.  Buck’s parents visited L.A. in 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?” and stayed through 4x5 “Buck Begins”, while Eddie went to visit his parents in 5x17 “Hero Complex” when he, Christopher and Pepa traveled to El Paso, TX.

Buck vents to Eddie

In 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?”, Eddie patiently listened to Buck while Buck angrily vented about the two dinners he had with his sister and their parents.  Even though he tried to take most of his aggressions out on the firehouse gym’s punching bag, him throwing punches didn’t seem to really put him at ease.  At the time, Buck hadn’t learned his family’s long kept secret but he did remember the way they treated him while he was growing up in Hershey, PA. Eddie protects (related post) and takes care of Buck and he knows how the Buckley parents can make Buck feel insecure and ignored (related post). When Buck said he was going to awkwardly apologize to his parents for getting angry and yelling at them, Eddie asked him what he had to apologize for since everything he said to them was true. Buck considered what Eddie said but then he got upset again and mentioned how he didn’t need any more therapy because he just wanted to hit things.  Eddie put his hand in front of the punching bag to stop him, explained the way he previously used fighting as a way to cope with his anger and then he told Buck that he wouldn’t recommend it. Maddie kept calling Buck but he wouldn’t answer her calls and when Eddie asked him if that was her calling again, Buck told him that she was worried about him.  After Buck learned the reason for his birth in 4x5 “Buck Begins”, Eddie was there for him again to support him after Buck’s parents showed up unannounced at the firehouse and he watched as Buck went upstairs to meet with them (related post).

Eddie vents to Buck

In 5x17 “Hero Complex”, while packing Christopher’s suitcase, Eddie talked with Buck about traveling to El Paso, TX to visit his parents. He was going there for his dad’s retirement party because his family wanted to celebrate by throwing Ramon a huge party.  Eddie was stressed about the trip and Buck could tell so he kindly suggested that Eddie take a later flight and then mentioned how Eddie’s parents would understand since Eddie had attended Claudette’s funeral earlier that day.  Eddie gave Buck a sharp look, then Buck changed tactics and said, “They should understand”.  Buck is one of the only people who actually listens to Eddie (related post) and he knows how Eddie’s parents have upset him in the past.  Eddie explained the way his mother made a big deal about the party and then proceeded to talk about his father’s absence while he was growing up. Buck patiently listened as Eddie vented his frustrations regarding the way his dad had been on the road for 40 years because of his job which prevented him from being at home with his family.  Buck commented about how he knows what it’s like to come from a screwed-up family but Eddie quickly interrupted him and said, “My family isn’t screwed up!”  Buck just looked at him and smiled but then Eddie relented and said, “Just my dad”.  After Eddie said he was planning to get in and out quickly, Buck asked him how he would handle it when his dad started to push his buttons and Eddie said there was a 3.5-star hotel not too far from his parents’ house that he and Chris could stay at if things with his parents got difficult.  When Eddie walked by Buck so that he and Chris could leave, Buck watched him with a small smile but it was clear that he was concerned about Eddie going to see his parents, especially since Eddie’s breakdown happened a few weeks before he left for El Paso, TX.

They are always there for each other and they’ve always provided the other one with a safe place to vent their frustrations about their parents without any judgment.  Being there for one another is what they do and it also illustrates how much they care about each other. Will Buck and Eddie have more conversations about their parents in the future?  Only the showrunner, writers and producers know the answer to that question.

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

GIF 4x4 “9-1-1 What’s Your Grievance?’

GIF 5x17 “Hero Complex”

[figuringitoutasigoalong]

You ever feel like you're entering a season of preparation? Like, that a decision has been made, and things are being taken care of, but now you have to prepare?

Although I don't make it as obvious on here, I'm not quiet about the fact that I am a Christian. If you're friends with me, you know it. What most people don't know is that the past few years I've felt a disconnect and growing distance. Don't get me wrong, my faith never floundered! But it was like I was wrapped in something that made it hard to see and hard to move, like some sort of shroud.

At first I attributed it to grief over mother's death. Then I chalked it up to stress at work. Then I thought it was the loss of my job. It affected me enough that both my father and sister started to question if I was depressed, which, yeah, maybe I was, a little.

But in truth, while all of the above were factors for sure, at the crux of it, the main problem was, I had let myself slip in my walk with Christ. I went to church. I went to Sunday School. I sang on praise team, taught missions in VBS, showed up for things. But I wasn't connected.

A few weeks ago, I took a break from the internet. For a week, I stayed away, and focused, instead, on my relationship with God. It was a fast of sorts, where instead of thinking about God every time I was hungry, I thought about him every time I went to open Discord, or thought about mindlessly scrolling tumblr. It was honestly a very good thing for me, in so, so many ways, and it helped me reconnect. While I'm still struggling some, it made a big difference.

Last night at church, we prayed for our mission partners. Some are new churches. Some are groups. Some are just people. But during that a clear thought from my heart came across. "I wish I could do that." The moment the thought came across, so clear and articulated, I knew it was true, and it had been for a long time.

Mama always knew that one of us--my sister or me--would be a missionary of some sort. That hadn't seemed to have happened. But if I've learned anything, it's that things don't always happen when we think they should.

I have a very high loyalty to my family. I have always looked out for them, helped to take care of them, felt it was my duty to take care of my family. I've helped raise my little sister. I've been a caregiver for my mother for years at a time. I worry about leaving Dad alone.

None of my jobs have ever worked out long-term. I'm always let go or forced to resign at some point. I work, and I work hard, but I can't seem to keep a job, which is frustrating.

Today, as I was doing my prayer time, I focused for a moment on what my heart had articulated. "I wish I could do that." And that's when it occurred to me.

My sister is married with a family, and wonderful in-laws. She's taken care of.

Mom died three years ago. She's with Christ. She's taken care of.

Dad is dating a great woman, and wants to marry her. He's taken care of.

I'm not locked into a job, like I would have been, if I was still at the school and had gotten tenure.

I'm not married, I have no family of my own, and I'm not even dating.

By all accounts, I have no duties or obligations anymore that hold me in place. Yeah, I'm about to start a new job on the 8th, but it's not the same as a carrier. I'm not tied to it in the same way. Everything that would tie me down, that would keep me in place is taken care of. And this job just fell in my lap.

I don't think everything is ready yet, for whatever is coming. I think that maybe this is all a step. But God is taking care of the things that tie me down, making sure they're cared for. And He's giving me what I need for the moment. I think that I'm entering into a time of preparation. Preparation for what? I'm not sure. Something with missions. How long will I be in preparation? I don't know. Could be a day, could be a decade. I'll find out.

But I think I'm being prepared for something. And it's scary. But it's good. I just need to stay aware, and keep moving forward.

And yes, the fact that I'm realizing this during Passion Week, right before Good Friday, just before Easter, a time of dedication, change, renewal, and celebration, is not lost on me.

But God knows I enjoy some good symbolism, lol!

[feeneeweenee]

What has happened ever since Saturn has entered my 12th House!

Let me give you some context about my chart, first and foremost: I'm a Virgo Sun, Aries Rising, and Pisces moon. My moon is in the 12th house, which opposes my Virgo sun. My Mars is also in Virgo, so that's also being opposed in this Saturn transit. Alright, lets continue..!

Gone To Therapy For The First Time: I hit a very harsh hurdle in my life. A lot of social circle changes were taking place, and things were indefinitely ending. I was extremely fearful of getting into therapy, but something made me bite the bullet. You'll read what exactly has changed for me in this post!

Started My First Ever Job: I was beyond scared to start my first job, since I was often fear mongered about the outside world.

Ended Long-Term Relationships: Specifically, I've ended two. One of them, 5 years, the other.. a year and a half... maybe? It was made clear to me through very uneasy feelings (such as fear and anxiousness), endless conversations with these two, and constant bickering that I should move on, and drop them both.

Created a More Solid Foundation With My Spirituality: I've been functioning with my spirituality out of truth, realism, and skepticism. Not that I haven't before, but its been more implemented in a way. My belief in spirituality, my workings, etc is more solid than ever!

Started Learning How To Drive: ...with no fear attached! I remember when I was 15 yrs old, I'd constantly have anxiety attacks behind the wheel, I wasn't ready in the slightest. Now though? Absolutely no fear. This was such a big milestone for me, along with me getting my first job!

Starting Thinking About Moving Out Seriously: In the past, I was extremely scared of the thought of moving out. Now, I'm suddenly more comfortable with it. I feel fearless to move in with my boyfriend!

Changed My Identity And Mission On The Internet: So, for anyone who doesn't know, I Vtube. I used to say "Im a Vtuber", but recently I've noticed that doesn't resonate with me anymore. I started showing my face a lot more, and let my real name be known. I feel this need to show myself to my full potential, and my full range. Btw, by "mission" I just mean what content I want to create :) This is also something I heavily feared.

Been Separating From My Mother a Lot More: Adulting is hard when you have a helicopter, or codependent, parent. I've been forcibly separating myself from my mom, teaching her that I'll be perfectly fine without her in all of my corners. This is yet ANOTHER thing I was extremely scared to do.

Seriously Thinking About How To Provide Solid Foundations For All Of My Projects: Almost, in a way, thinking about permanence? In terms of my future, specifically career. Thinking about especially the financial plan I have for my future business.

Seriously Thinking About Going To College: I've never been a very college-fond person. I've always despised school, however recently I've been thinking about what degree I want to MAYBE use in order to have a very solid career later in life, no matter if I'm employed under someone or I end up becoming the entrepreneur I dream of.

How Is This Accurate?

Saturn: - Restraint - Maturing - Lessons - Academics - Reality - Wisdom

12th House: - Endlessness - Dreams - Emotions - The Unconscious - The Creative Mind / Left Brain - Spirituality - Permanent Endings - Loss - Fear

The Constant Themes I Experienced So Far: - Breaking of ones fears. - Breaking free from restraint. - Truth seeking / Seeing extremely clearly. - Karma being served. - Maturing / Adulting. - Heightened intuition, more visions. - Clearer retrospect. - More healthy realistic thinking. - Learning how my energy alone can shift my reality. - More fearlessness in general, once I got the ball rolling.

My Conclusion:

When you put both of these together, the energies of the old collide with the concept of mature growth, aka the new. This Saturn in Pisces is extremely beneficial for anybody who is not resisting to Saturn's lessons!! And this is coming from a girlie who was born on their Venus line!! So yeah bitch, accept Saturn's movement!!! I've grown so much. In conclusion, this transit has affected me positively. The opportunities I was given were shown to me through my own efforts. I was shown what I can do, and more. I am STILL being shown what I can make, change, initiate for myself. Thank you, Saturn!!

[all-the-things-2020]

Further Along the Way - Chapter Two

Summary: Things are not going well in the Djarin household until Din gets a lead on a job.

Rating: PG

Notes - Mando’a words:

dar’manda = a state of not being Mandalorian

buir = parent, mother, father

ad = child, son, daughter

briikase = happy

It had been a month since they’d sold the Razor Crest. They had enough credits to cover rent and food for a good eight or nine months, but Din would still feel better if he could just find a steady job. Most of the leads he’d had were for short term jobs, and many were just too dangerous to take Mariana and Ad’ika on, and the rest barely paid enough to cover the cost of transport to the planet they were on. It was frustrating. And it didn’t help that Mariana was getting a bit cranky as her pregnancy progressed.

“I don’t know why I shouldn’t take the job,” she said one evening. “It’s temporary, and you’re not working, so you can watch Ad’ika.”

Din took a deep breath and counted to ten. Mariana had been offered a position filling in for a teacher at the local grammar school who was taking a two month sabbatical. It was with very small children, really glorified babysitting with very little actual teaching, but it would bring in a decent amount of credits. Still, Din was not thrilled with the idea.

“I’d rather you didn’t make a commitment like that right now,” he said carefully. “Two months is a long time.”

Mariana humphed. “Two months is nothing. It’s not like you’ve got anything lined up, anyway.”

“Mar’ika, I’m trying,” he said, rubbing his hand over his face. He was trying very hard not to snap at her but his patience was wearing thin.

“I know you are,” she said, squeezing his shoulder. “But who knows how long it will take to find the right offer? Why not take advantage of this opportunity while we have it?”

He reached up and placed his hand over hers. “I just don’t want you to take any risks, cyar’ika.”

She pulled her hand away. “I don’t think a school is such a dangerous place. I’d be working with little kids, Din, not a bunch of criminals.” She paced the small, one room apartment they’d been renting like a caged wild loth-cat. “I know you want to protect me, but I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself. I did it for years before you came along.”

“You’d still be a slave if I hadn’t rescued you,” he snapped back.

She glared at him. He didn’t make her angry often, but he’d learned that it was not a smart thing to do. “Oh, forgive me, great savior. I forgot I’m supposed to thank you profusely every day of my life.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said, but she was already storming away and into the ‘fresher, the only place to be alone in the tiny apartment. “Cyar’ika,” he called. “Don’t be like this.” How am I going to get through five more months of this?

Ad’ika was wisely playing by himself in the corner. The kid had quickly learned that when Mommy was in a bad mood, it was best to steer clear of her. He cocked his head and gave Din a sad look, shaking his little head. Smart kiddo.

Din sat quietly, waiting for Mariana to come out of the ‘fresher. When she did reappear, she didn’t look much calmer. “I’m going out for a walk,” she said. “I need to get out of here.”

“Mar’ika …” he began but she cut him off.

“Don’t Mar’ika me,” she snapped. “I might be your wife, but I don’t belong to you. So stop acting like I’m a helpless idiot who needs to be protected at all times. I may have been a slave but at least made it through reasonably well-adjusted.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He knew he shouldn’t engage her when she was like this, but he couldn’t help it.

“I’m not the one who hid behind a helmet for twenty-odd years,” she shot back.

Din had no response. He stood, scooped up Ad’ika and walked out the door.

****************

Mariana collapsed on the couch. Shit, shit, shit, she thought. She’d gone too far this time. She knew she’d been being a bitch lately, but she couldn’t help it. The apartment was so small, and her hormones were all over the place. One second she felt like crying because she saw a baby bird out the window; the next she wanted to stab someone because her bootlace had come untied. She was gaining weight and felt dumpy and unattractive, which was ridiculous, because Din was just as amorous as ever, although with Ad’ika sleeping in the same room, they didn’t often get the chance to do more than kiss and cuddle.

She just wished he’d find a job so they could settle down properly. This apartment was cheap and convenient, but not really big enough for the three of them, and it definitely wouldn’t be big enough for four. And now she’d snapped at him and driven him away. Din was quite patient with her most of the time, but she knew she’d really hurt him if he’d taken Ad’ika with him.

It was well over an hour before she heard the door open and Din and Ad’ika stepped into the room. “I brought food,” he said evenly, setting a paper bag down on the table. There were several inexpensive food vendors in their neighborhood and it was often just as cheap to buy meals from them as it was to cook, especially since the kitchen in the apartment wasn’t much bigger than the one in the Razor Crest.

He placed Ad’ika on his high chair and took some plates out of the cupboard. He divvied up the food and set the plates around the table. Mariana took her seat and pulled her plate closer. It was her favorite: grilled vegetables and meat from the stand on the corner next to the park.

Ad’ika and Din began eating silently, but she had no appetite right now. She reached out and placed her hand on Din’s. “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I don’t know why I said that. I don’t know why I do half the things I’ve been doing lately.”

Din stopped eating and twined his fingers through hers. “I know,” he said. “And I’m sorry, too. I pushed you too far.”

“No, no, you didn’t,” she insisted. “I overreacted. Again.” She sighed and lifted his hand to her lips. “I’ll try to do better.”

“It’s not your fault, cyar’ika,” he said. “We’re all still adjusting to everything. I’m adjusting to being dar’manda; you’re adjusting to being pregnant; all three of us are adjusting to living in this tiny apartment … to be honest, Ad’ika is handling things the best. You and I … we’re just muddling through.”

Ad’ika nodded solemnly, although the effect was spoiled by the food that was sticking out of his mouth. Little man really needed to work on taking small bites instead of swallowing things whole.

“Eat,” Din said. “Before Ad’ika steals your dinner.” He made a face at the child, who giggled and grabbed the last bite of food off his own plate.

Mariana picked up her fork and began to eat. She was afraid to ask exactly what kind of meat the cook used, but it was delicious, as always. Din took another bite, then leaned back in his chair.

“Ad’ika and I had a little talk while we were out,” he said. “Remember the time you told me I was broken?”

Mariana put down her fork. “Yes. But I admitted I was broken, too, if you recall.”

Din nodded. “I know. Eat.” He waited until she’d picked her fork back up and taken another bite. “Anyway, I was thinking about being broken and I realized that yes, I’m still broken, and probably always will be, but I'm a lot less broken than I used to be, and it’s all because of the two of you. All three of us are orphans, cast aside, battered by the winds of fate … whatever you want to call it, we’re messed up. But we found each other and together we’ll get through anything the galaxy can throw at us. Even unemployment and a crappy apartment —“

“Crazy hormonal mood swings,” she interrupted with a self-deprecating laugh.

“Especially those,” Din went on, smiling. “Hell, I’d rather face a squad of Deathtroopers than you sometimes.” He winked and she made a face.

“It’s all your fault,” she said. “I didn’t make this baby by myself.”

Din’s face turned serious. “That’s another thing,” he said. “You keep talking about how I’m the only one making any sacrifices, but I just got to do the fun part in this case. You’re the one who has to go through all the shitty parts of pregnancy. I’ve been reading the same stuff you have, and believe me, cyar’ika, if I could do any of it for you, I would. But biology is biology and … I just want to make things easier for you.”

Ad’ika nodded sagely again, and once again the effect was spoiled when he burped loudly. Mariana was grateful, though, because it made her laugh instead of succumb to the tears she’d felt rising during Din’s little speech. Stars, I love these boys, she thought.

“Excuse you,” she said to Ad’ika, tweaking his nose. He laughed and climbed up on the table to approach her.

“Ma,” he said, holding out his arms for a hug. She snuggled him to her chest. As she sometimes did when holding him, she felt … something tickling at the back of her mind. She knew he’d communicated mentally with Luke Skywalker back on Florian, and she thought he was trying to do the same with her. She wasn’t Force-sensitive, though, and never quite made the connection. Still, she felt calmer and braver … and hungrier. Cradling her son in one arm, she attacked her dinner with the other.

Din cleared the table as soon as she was done, and she took Ad’ika over to the couch. Din joined them and they snuggled together.

“Buir,” Ad’ika said, patting Din on the chest.

“Yes, ad?” Din replied lazily. If Ad’ika was just talking to them, he used their names (or his best approximation of them), but if he wanted something, he called them parent in Mando’a.

“Briikase?”

Happy.

“Yes,” Mariana answered. “Yes, ad, we are.”

*********************************

She slept late the next morning and was startled awake by something crashing to the floor.

“Sorry, sorry,” Din said hurriedly. She sat up to see him packing a duffel bag.

“What’s going on?” She asked, still a bit sleep-muddled.

“I’m leaving,” he said, and instantly she was fully awake.

“What? No! I thought … I thought everything was good between us.” She nearly fell out of bed, her feet tangled in the blankets in her haste to get to him. Her heart was pounding out of her chest.

“It is, it is,” he said, taking her in his arms and kissing her gently. “Sorry, I should have explained.” He was clearly excited about something; she could see a sparkle in his eyes that quite frankly she’d missed lately. “I have an interview for a job on Thantos Prime. The comm came through early this morning, and if I catch the next transport to Davos — which leaves about an hour — I can make the connection in time for the interview.”

“A job? What is it?”

“Combat instructor at a military academy,” he said, releasing her and going back to throwing things into his bag. “Karga put in a word for me with an old friend in case anything ever came up, and the instructor at this academy just quit to go home and fight in some civil war on his home planet. They need a replacement, and Karga’s friend contacted me.”

“It sounds perfect for you,” she said. “You’ve certainly got the skills for it. And bajur is one of the pillars of the Mandalorian creed, right?”

He smiled at her. “Your Mando’a is getting better. And yes, teaching children is very important to the Mando’ade. Even former ones like me.” He zipped up the duffel. “I’ll be back as soon as I can, cyar’ika.”

“Good luck,” she said. “I have a good feeling about this.”

“So do I,” he admitted. Then he kissed her, swung the duffel over his shoulder and walked out the door.

Mariana crawled back into bed. Ad’ika was still sound asleep and she didn’t want to waste the precious quiet time. She curled up under the blankets and rested her hand on her belly. “I think things are finally looking up for us, little one,” she whispered. She gasped as the child fluttered inside her as if in agreement. “Oh, stars, not you too,” she muttered. “One Force-sensitive child is more than enough in this family, thank you very much.” Chuckling to herself, she drifted back to sleep.

[graylinesspam]

So there's a post on here, a quite popular one, that likens mental and physical recovery to cleaning a trashed house. I always liked that post, the way it describes recovery as a process that gets easier with practice but doesn't ever really become simpler, It made things i was confused about some much clearer to me.

That post helped me specifically understand because I had so much experience cleaning barely habitable houses. For most of my childhood I was tasked with cleaning jobs that were far outside of a normal 5-15 year old's skill set.

The actual post will say it a lot better than I can here but something about the process of starting at the entryway and working you're way in, learning new techniques, buying new tools, but ultimately accepting that with every room you clean, you will have to drag the mess through the rest of the house and end up getting all the clean places dirty again. That resonated with me.

Some backstory, I grew up with young and broke parents. Many of my early living conditions were filthy apartments and half-renovated farm sheds. I was cleaning almost as soon as I could walk. I had to learn fast. As I got older and our homes improved but it was because my father worked all the time and was almost never home, and when he was he was working side hustles. My mother was a bedridden depressed woman for many years. I had to learn to clean up after an adult's depression nest and myself and my own sister's mess.

I wasn't totally alone in it. My father, for all his absence, was practically a dream housewife when he was around. He could cook and clean and do repairs all at the same time in a horrible overstressed whirlwind. I had to pay attention in order to learn, but more than that I had to keep up with his pace. Just eight years old and tiny and underfoot, trying to learn the cleaning patterns of a grown man in a full tilt adhd hyperfocus cleaning session.

But I did learn. I learned to keep the clutter out of sight, To scrub away the worst of it. I learned to make games out of cleaning to get any help from my sister. Learned how to make throwing trash in the can from a stepstool several feet away into a competitive sport. I learned how to bribe her, and how to pace her, an episode of her favorite show for half a rack of dishes. I learned how to make ramen just the way she liked and trade it for a toybox filled up.

I even got not one but two full time jobs as a house keeper.

But that was before I had started to deal with serious health problems. Now I'm too sick to work. I struggle with making sure I just get up in the mornings and contribute something to the household. Part of my mind is stuck in a shame loop of becoming my mother and the other is preoccupied with the knowledge that my life has gone absolutely nowhere.

This fucking house has become my whole world the same way it always did in the summers when I stopped going to school and mom stopped getting out of bed. Every day I wake up and I do the work. Some days are harder than others. Some days I can even muster up some pride for what I do. It's been two godamn years and I'm finally getting to some of the deeper stuff. I got rid of the broken recliner. Mom is finally ready to throw out her dead uncle's stuff so there's more clutter I can clear away.

Every day I clean the same mess and some days I do impressive things like burning all the wood in the yard.

And it does look good. There's so much less clutter, and I've redecorated. Moved the furniture. Fixed up the yard.

But the carpet is still disgusting. It will never stop reeking of dog. And the floors coming apart and the dishwasher is slowly sinking into the floor and I know in my core that this place is decrepit and no amount of cleaning will make it livable in the long run.

And I don't really know how that became such an apt description of my life but it is. Because I've spent all my life knowing that I'd have to maintain my own mind, I knew how bad that your head could get, I've seen it. But my body is failing on me now too and I don't know how much cleaning you can do on a house if the ceiling is splitting and the floors are falling through.

[waitmyturtles]

Um, WOW, okay, ha -- I did NOT see an Ohm-and-Film fight scene happening in my lifetime. Thoughts on Double Savage, episode 7: 

1) I wrote this morning that I’m just beginning to dive into New Siwaj’s oeuvre, and I’m wondering for this screenplay, if New Siwaj is really New Siwaj-ing himself here. The writing in this episode was choppy at best. Vignette after vignette with not the most connective tissue. 

I’m not convinced by Win’s continued and growing intensity against Korn -- although I like that Korn finally talked back, but again, without context (unless he was commenting on Win’s sheer IDIOCY for flashing a gun at a funeral, which fucking makes TOTAL sense). 

We’re also not getting enough of WHY Rung would make such a drastic change in her life to go to the same life that Korn is living. Plus, she knows something about her parents that we don’t, I think, but that’s also not made entirely clear.

With that crazy-ass test at the end, along with the previews for episode 8, I am thinking that episode 7 can’t stand alone without episode 8 (Li taking care of Ah’s wound?! What?). Anyway. 

2) Back to Win for a second. Does he continue to spiral because of the pressures at work? He’s clearly NOT getting pressure from his (very good-looking, cough) superiors to, like, arrest his own brother. 

I’m trying to figure out if there’s supposed to be a parallel between Win’s temper and his father’s temper. A patriarchially-inspired temper, basically given unto a man through societal expectations and not through, say, merit or empathic love for his family.

I mean, in other words, Win’s fuckin’ it up left and right, but I honestly am not sure how convincing it is on screen. UNLESS -- because he’s written so choppily -- if he’s MEANT to come off as inconsistent and terribly weak, then THAT’S working. That’s REALLY working. (Again, this might be New New-ing himself -- using an unfamiliar order of operations to make a character look like a fucking lame ass.)

One thing that I can think of on Win’s part is that Win never HAD to learn how to control his temper, the way Korn had to, in order to survive during their childhood. Win received all the praise. We continue to see it in the previews for tomorrow’s episode. Win hasn’t learned self-control -- and we see it emanating.

3) You know what I liked the best of this episode? (Besides Film’s drip, which WE’LL GET TO IN A SECOND.) 

I liked that the mother finally, FINALLY SAID to Win: “But why are you acting like you don’t know why [Korn] chose [his way of life]?”

And petty Win retorts: “You’re taking his side like you’ve always done.”

Come awn, Win. Maybe THAT’S what’s missing for me.

Win clearly understood the trauma of what his family was facing when they were younger. I think I’m realizing that I don’t believe, convincingly, that Win has TOTALLY forgotten it. I wrote last week that what Win is the most influenced by, at this adult time of his life, is the extrasocial factor of jealousy that’s driving his worldview. 

But I appreciate his mom calling him out for straight-up FORGETTING that it was patriarchal ABUSE that caused all of this. His mom is like -- COME AWN. YOU KNOW THIS. And you used to love your brother so much.

And Win is like, aw, Ma, I’m a tired old man, wah wah, I’m going home.

Weak ass. I mean, again, if the writing is SUPPOSED to shape Win like this, then great job. But I think the writing (COME ON, NEW) could have been a lot sharper and more convincing. Perth is like, electric with talent in this and could have had a lot more to work with.

4) Quick note on Korn. Korn’s failing in life is that he lacks subtlety, and I think Ah is taking advantage of it. Korn would be a much smarter and wiser person -- and maybe he’s gonna get there with Rung back at his side -- if he could be more sophisticated about the life he’s living and the illegal things he’s doing. He’s still holding onto a child’s black-and-white perspective, like almost everyone else around him (EXCEPT Ah, Mek, and Rung) -- and I wonder if his maturing into the gray is going to be a storyline for the rest of the series.

5) I have thoughts on the Asian compulsions for saving face and playing the blame game vis à vis Korn’s father, but I might save those for tomorrow -- I’ve been crazy writing the last couple of days. Let me just say this about Korn’s dad, and that interaction they had in the apartment. 

I understood it all. Very unfortunately. As HORRIBLY as that dad has treated Korn for the entirety of Korn’s life, I understood why Korn continued to help his dad, even when his dad went silent. I have that filial piety guilt on me every minute of every day. 

Seeing the dad shed a tear was a touch of karmic satisfaction, but it didn’t make me happy. Ugh. It was painful to watch. 

6) Let’s appreciate Film’s leather-and-eyeliner era. And those CARGO SWEATPANTS! And MOCK TURTLENECK gym shirt! I will submit a request to GMMTV to please get Film some muscle tees and a strength trainer, because I’d like to see some poppin’ biceps on my girl. I LOVE YOU, FILM, I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH.

7) Finally, I just want to note that I have previously loved Foei in the few shows of his that I’ve watched on GMMTV (most notably Dirty Laundry, which I was obsessed with; his work in 10 Years Ticket, and the few episodes of Midnight Museum that I watched), and I’m really fucking horrified and disappointed by his social media behavior this weekend.