#Might also have to do with the frontal lobe development or whatever

[kroosluvr]

its a big "damn i wish i was better at drawing 4 years ago" but also there'd be no way.., theres no way i could have been any better than i was. WHICH KINDA Makes me depressed but :x i guess i'm here now, if that counts for anything. damn. i guess it just sucks that i took 2903580928032 years to finally get to a point where i can look at my art and have the same fascination with it like i do @ other ppls art. damn

[cravingpepsimax]

Headcannons for teen stancest? I see it as more fluff then smut but I’m curious on what others think

teen stancest is something i find interesting, but not in the way most people do.

i think teen stancest is a lot of unknowing pining. i think stancest is like that in general, but especially as teens. they’re already terrible at dealing with emotions as senior citizens — imagine having to deal with gay incestuous feelings during the 60s-70s without having a fully developed frontal lobe. yikes!

i don’t think either of them would realize how they feel for the other at this age, but if either of them did, it’d be stan who realizes, not ford. ford has poor emotional self-awareness as a grown man — have you ever met a teenager with good emotional self-awareness? plus, teen ford has zero play. teen ford would absolutely take any weird feelings about stan entirely at face-value because the thought of him feeling that way about a man, much less his BROTHER, is unthinkable. yeah, sure, he might get butterflies in his stomach around stan, but that’s just because he wants to impress his cool brother. sure, ford might feel weirdly upset whenever stan talks about his newest girlfriend (god forbid ford sees them), but that’s just because he wants to make sure she treats his brother right! any actually romantic thoughts ford has are immediately surpressed and justified as his overactive brain throwing weird thoughts at him.

stan, on the other hand? i don’t think he’d realize either, but if either of them do at this point, it’d be stan. stan is very familiar with what attraction feels like. on the one-off chance he doesn’t immediately shut down any gay incest thoughts with a “nope not supposed to do that ❌❌❌❌”, i could actually see him realizing, and then promptly freaking the fuck out because oh my god how do you even address this. being attracted to a man is bad enough, but your BROTHER? i could see stan responding by going the complete opposite direction and trying his damndest to get ford a girlfriend so that stan couldn’t even imagine he has a chance. stan would probably get even more into the dating scene to distract himself, too. he doesn’t want to spend less time with ford by any means, but he has to get rid of these thoughts. not even for society at large, for ford’s sake — he’d believe ford wouldn’t reciprocate, and even if he did, ford gets bullied enough for being a six-fingered nerd, dating his own brother would make that even worse if anyone ever found out! stan is protective over his family, especially ford, and he wouldn’t want to risk anything.

if stan did confess, ford probably would freak out. be taken aback at best. again, this is ford we’re talking about. as a teenager. i don’t think he’d start hating stan or whatever, but i do think he’d reject stan and just pretend nothing ever happened (while also wondering if he should’ve said yes because he does love stan, but also would panic thinking he can’t, there’s no way he ever could. ford thinks he’s logical, but when he feels strong feelings, he justifies acting on them as if they were logical. ford’s really scared of ruining his relationship with stan, scared of being treated as even more of a pariah, but he justifies acting on these fears by lying to himself — he’s not paralyzed by fear, it’s just the Rational Thing To Do).

and then the science fair incident happens and oh god does the pining get worse especially if stan confesses. goddamn

so. yeah. unfortunately the exact opposite of fluff then smut lmao, this is very much an angsty pining mess for me. this is one of those instances where their complete lack of emotional self-awareness is a positive because i cannot for the life of me imagining either of them dealing with it well at this age

[ntls-24722]

What do Debu skeleton look like?

Also zebramen/elves.

I am so curious.

Do they have bone????

I wanna gnaw on bone

gimme a Debu bone so I can just go like:

yummy bœn

OH BOY IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!!!!!!!!!

I ACTUALLY VERY RECENTLY FLESHED OUT THE MAIN BITS

OKAY so first let me go over something small first - evolutionary ancestors of hexapods and octopods

Unlike Earth fish, Bolur fish are flat, horizontal boys, they undulate up and down to swim like cetaceans do. These two are the "lobe finned fish" that became the two clades of hexapods and octopods when they got on land. They're very closely related with the only difference between the "hexapodal" and "octopodal" fish being that the octopods made use of fins that were becoming vestigial - both fish originally had 8 fins with one pair being used to sweep food into their mouths, but most of the members of the family began to lose this pair of fins in favor of this big wide mouth. The octopods instead developed these raptorial limbs out of those fins that would snatch up food, and a lot of early octopodal animals are really damn creepy because while everything else on their body looks archaic, they have this one frontal pair of freakishly developed hands. YUCKY SCARY.

These fish have interlocked plates of bony armor beneath their skin and this still remains, which is why Bolur skeletons look like turtle skeletons - their backbones and ribcages are these sweeping flat plates of bone, with the ribplates being slightly less wide than the backplates to fit beneath it, and their shoulders/limbs usually sitting where the gap is, like this.

And now that that's out of the way, here's the Debu skeletons first since you asked for them first!

Okay so, I said usually the limbs sit in the ribplate-backplate gap, but that's not the case for Debu because in order to climb, they need more flexibility in the shoulder area. They can't mountain-goat-method cliff-climbing, they're way too big for that - mountain goats are nice and vertical to do it, but debu have gone the different direction and gotten really wide to do it, the backplates where their arms sit under are actually a little less wider than usual so their shoulders have more freedom of movement. Their arms also have a little knob where it touches the backplates both for muscle attachment and to kind of lock the arm (and the debu) into place while climbing.

Their radius's placement is swapped in Bolur but this has no real effect (i wouldn't think so...?), the wrist twists just like ours, so the Debu can climb up walls the same way that DJMM does.

Here's a sideview and how the skin looks over it.

NOW, for the zebraelves, who i thought of skeletons for first

The backplates dont have those.... (rapid typing) spinous processes.... the little things coming out of the back. That's mainly because the Debu had them since their heads were humongous and super damn heavy and needed that place for their neck muscles to attach. Zebraelves and zebramen, not so much. Their heads aren't huge.

What's cool is their arms and "legs" (they are morphologically the same but have varying levels of dexterity) are set up the same way as Debu arms, where they sit at the edge of the backplate rather than between the little gap beneath it... hmm. What was the point of me showing that image at the very beginning, now that i've established that all 3 species deviate from that setup.... whatever

Also, peep the little bones at their butt! They're little bones for keeping their fleshy spinnerets straight just like how earth animals have baculums.

Here's a front view, which also shows the holes between their legs so that all sorts of Stuff can go out of them + Skin. That place is the least protected by bone in zebrapeople, so I guess if you want to kill one go for the ass

Then there is zebramen!

So, as you might notice, the backplates holding the "legs" have slowly pointed more and more backwards in order to facilitate hexapodality, with zebraelves' backplates being diagonal but zebramen's backplates being completely pointed to the back to facilitate permanent hexapodality. Also, the spinneret-culums have almost completely vanished. they're just these sad little pieces of bone that can rotate there like a carnotaurus's arms. I wonder if they spin em around really fast when they're excited.

Anyways. no front view for this one. Because I'm tired and honestly, if you saw the zebraelf one, you could guess how it looks, these 2 are so morphologically similar

well. hm. your behavior won't get you kicked out but your overenthusiasm sure is enough to freak out the guests at meemaw's morturary cookout

[naffeclipse]

Naff--

Naff-- you have no idea how quickly I (and prolly many others) would eat that up O___O s t a r i n g

You've tempted me and I gave in!

In no particular order of fic ideas that I would like to one day write (with links if I've talked about AUs before):

Time Loop AU (Groundhog Day (1993)-esque shenanigans of Y/N trapped in a time loop with the DCA.)

Narcoleptic Y/N

Aliens AU

Fae AU

Iron Lung AU (I have it all plotted out... I really want to write it)

Alien DCA who has mind abilities and crash lands on your corn farm with intense injuries and also suffers from PTSD. You surprise yourself with your willingness to tend to the alien's wounds but you chain up said alien because you're not that willing to believe that he won't try to harm you not that you know at the time that said alien can break out of those chains very easily (Yeah, two alien aus. I'm very greedy.)

A continuation of Sleuth Jesters involving someone who deserved better (No, not Eclipse.)

Milky Way Momma (lots of domestic fluff involving a pregnant reader who develops a relationship with the DCA but it's set post-SB and animatronics have rights so it's outside of the pizzaplex to allow maximine domesticity, I must stress that)

An FNAF 1 setting with the DCA and the puppet and Y/N as a security guard.

A vampire/Dracula AU involving Vampire!Afton inviting Y/N to his gothic castle due to their work and studies in blood but Afton is subtly toying/scaring Y/N all the while. Afton's automatons (Sun, Moon, and Eclipse, all in separate bodies) do their best to keep you safe while working within the confines of their master's commands. You might stumble upon Sun disposing of a dead, drained body, and you might freak out, running to Moon, but whoops, he seems to be in on whatever is going on. The two take you somewhere private within the castle and then do their best to convince you to not freak out or tell Afton as that would result in your immediate demise. You don't know if you trust them or believe in how vague they are about their warnings, but something is going on, and you're going to find out what is it.

My 'canon' DCA x Reader fic (I have it planned out but ahhh, I find it very intimidating to write a canon story due to not wanting to get canon events/details wrong and other issues that I carry from my previous fandom, but one day I'll write it.)

I'm sure I'm missing an idea or two here, but these are the ones currently pressing on my frontal lobe

[cxndiedvi0lets]

Hello, I'm looking for a sugar daddy that could provide me with a monthly allowance, hehe... details below ^^ ♡

Now that I got your attention, can you fuck off, no one actually wants a sugar daddy. There are plenty of dating apps out there like tindr or bumble or whatever the fuck.

You're a grown ass man, I don't know what fucking trauma caused you to target on young auidences both girls and boys but, you're a fucking adult.

You should be protecting them rather than doing the opposite. You have a job, and you have a stable income to provide for kids to groom, but not enough for therapy? Go fuck yourself somewhere. This isn't the place.

Your hairline is raising higher than your minimum wage. You also might wanna get dentures from all the garbage coming out your mouth rotting your teeth. Also, you might want a brain transplant to fix that mindset of yours because it looks like your frontal lobe never developed.

[ernestelm]

just turned 18 like almost an hour ago, I do not feel any smarter and to 12 yr old me, no, I still have not felt any will to date, sorry mate like being with people is just kinda stressful and boring yknow. and uh, yea you haven't had anything figured out yet (in fact Im more lost than ever, I wish I were you rn wanting to be an artist was fun, also not struggling with science or math yet) , I don't even how to do a cartwheel, sorry to disappoint lmao , haven't become a ninja yet too, BUT buuuut I cut my hair short like you always wished, yes you do look kinda cool (and a little more masculine too) with short hair thanks for asking and I also improved a lot in art, you did not plateau at that age dw. and yea I think I covered whatever the hell I wanted to ask 18 yr old me, I might do an update when I turn 25 (frontal lobe fully developed) and yea let's see if I know if I got my shit together yet.

[meat-pvppet]

ok so im gonna infodump under the cut cuz im insane

warning! this all probably makes no sense and is really really messy

so remember this guy?

ive been reworking him actually ever since last year but i just never found a concept design i liked fully

yeah hes the one im gonna be reworking (and who im probably renaming to Lucius Donovan)

and tbh i still dont have one but whatever im gonna blast you all with his lore or what i got so far atleast (if youve been here long enough he might be a wittle familiar)

anyway he's the founder and sole human worker for a tech company focused on manufacturing robots and prosthetics

he was a prodigy whos been building rudimentary robots ever since he was a teenager, his eldest bot and personal assistant having been around since he was 17

when he started his business, he sought to help humanity using his bots, believing that humans were frail and robotic companions helping them would lessen the burden and help humanities chances of not imploding hopefully

once he started making a name for himself, he got into a huge accident (either caused by his own recklessness or a secondary character that ill need to polish up still) that took his legs, arm and a chunk of his face (mostly around the eyes and frontal lobe and a bit of his mouth)

still figuring out the full extent of the damage but just know his torso didn't go unscathed cuz obviously

most of the damage was obviously from the accident itself but also from getting crushed by rubble

its a miracle he even survived, but he was basically half dead so his bots were the ones to revive him using the tech he had already developed

the accident made him more reclusive and paranoid (not that anyone other than his walls know that cuz we love a guy whos really reclusive and paranoid and hides it all behind a mask of confidence), now adding more security measures to every bot he manufactured, even making it so every bot he had sent him the logs of their every action and everything they saw in case they couldnt identify smth properly

also following the accident he became less empathetic than he already was, making it difficult for him to understand more emotional reasonings behind things

also also following the accident, he began using robotic copies of himself to make public appearances whenever he really needs to cuz he thinks with how he is now he's no longer presentable in a way

and also cuz his paranoia and anxiety is so high he genuinely believes something horrible will happen to him or others as soon as he steps out of his factory that basically doubles as his home at this point due to him doing nothing but work all day

there are a few of these clones just

fucking around in his factory though, specifically in the underground facilities, that work as security

And also a way to bait people who do end up reaching the underground facilities looking to kill him or smth

also due to the nature of his prosthetics (and years of trial and error after the accident to improve them) hes kinda got a pseudo immortality thing going on where all this tech is basically gonna keep his body from failing

anyway he can keep adding more and more tech if something goes wrong

but then that makes him think about how disconnected he is from being human at this point

hes more metal than flesh and that makes him anxious

at what point is he just another one of his bots?

[sakurastory]

In my 20s

I was invited to a house party yesterday, and we had a discussion about how things suddenly become clear when you turn 30, whereas everything is a blur in your 20s; some say it's because your frontal lobe fully develops, and others simply argue that you've experienced so much by the time you're 30 that you begin to feel the need to get your shit together. I turned 21 last year and am really confused about my life; I am not like the folks around me in their twenties.

After careful study, I discovered that most people in their twenties fall into two categories: those who are workaholics and are waiting to settle in life before having fun, and those who are exploiting their enthusiasm to the fullest with clubs and hookups. One thing I've learned is that being in one of these groups does not guarantee your success in life; it all relies on how you make things work for you.

Coming back to the 20s is a blur, and I completely agree with that. Some people blur their youth with substance, while others deal with work stress; no one knows what will happen next; even those who have plans are unsure of where they will end up; it's like walking a road without knowing how far or what your destination is, but you do it because it's better than standing around trying to figure out the way especially when people around you are not stopping.

It might be a high high or a low low. Being young and a college student is harder than being an earning adult; you must work hard but also go out to establish contacts, not post too much or too little information about yourself online, and perform whatever menial job you can to gain experience, with no guarantee that it will all pay off.

But this is all I think about until I turn 30.

[arunikanaya]

Signing off from my romantic life.

I couldn't remember the last time I did NOT have a crush ever since I reached my puberty and had my first crush. And also, I couldn't remember the last time I was NOT thinking about my true love may be just around the corner. That kind of life was a torture, I couldn't enjoy my life to the fullest.

At the age of 25, A realization came hit me like struck by a lightning that (thanks to my more-developed frontal lobe),

Damn, it's so tiring. I'm tired, I'm exhausted living a life so unfulfilled because of this matter.

I think my romantic life has always been passive since the first time I had a romantic feeling. There was never a guy who confessed to me. I never date my whole life.

Only Lord knows when my singleness will end, might end here in this lifetime or maybe in the hereafter. Who knows. Sounds so depressing, but I think I just have to accept the reality of life and the chances life offers, whether it's good or bad. I'll learn how to cope with that and get better in time.

And for the first time in my life, I'll be actively passive in my romantic life a.k.a. I will entirely shift my focus from my romantic life, at least for 1 year from now.

"Aren't you afraid that you might end up not having a partner at all?" They ask, including me. Here's my answer to that:

"What's the difference with my situation right now, I wonder? I have been living without a partner like... my whole life? It's nothing new. Things might be harder in the future as a lot of my friends and family have their own life to lead. But that's okay, I'll learn how to cope with that, like I've always been and will always be."

My plan is only to have one-year radical break from anything related to romantic love. I have reached a point of fatigue. I cannot do this any longer. I need rest. The idea of marrying someone, let alone the idea of having a crush on someone, really don't excite me at all. I just want to breath and live and exist without longing for a mere boy to love me. I can provide love and admiration for myself.

This is not permanent, it's only for a year. The rationale of this act is that I haven't fully healed from my previous heartbreaks (Never have I ever completely healed) and I kept on falling in love and now I am severely injured. I need a time out from romance. I need a time to heal. Even the slightest though of love is harmful from my healing. Therefore, I am choosing to be aromantic for one year from now.

Don't worry and don't mind me. I know myself. I fully understand that this is what I need.

So, here are several things I do to support my one-year break from romance :

I will not like anyone romantically (or I will try my best to not be in love)

I will no longer hope that love is around the corner.

I will not be actively looking for love.

I will not be allowing or accepting anyone to intrude my personal space.

I will stop thinking or daydreaming about my future lover

I will stop consuming any type of content that will lead to me hoping for love or romance (novels, stories, songs, video, etc).

I will live my life, do whatever the hell I want and fuck patriarchy. (All the times I spent on thinking about love will all be replaced with self-love, self-care, and self-actualization. I will focus on deepening my relationship with Allah, working on my work ethic + job + dreams, and doing things that make me happy, fulfilled, calm and grateful).

That's it. See you on December 21st, 2024!

[thisuserisgonesorry]

1,, im not a teenager . might be young but i have a pretty good grasp on adulthood atp , and i’m not the only person that thinks this specific take; ive asked a lot of mutuals/friends who are (young,,) adults and agree w/ me and many people in rbs agree so like .. bringing my age into this is so left field cos . idk . weird thing 2 say

2 in my experience from living in a very “redneck” (lack of a better term) area (though not america, so there could be a difference), ive met 20-25 year olds who look and act exactly like daryl in s1 because teenagers in redneck areas just look like that. thats where my estimate came from, due to my own experiences

3,, norman reedus literally just looks young in everything he plays . you cant deny that he has a bit of a baby face and doesnt ALWAYS look his age . (but also celebrity men do look like that cos they dont just start rotting away the second they hit 23 because blue collar / minimum wage jobs suck) and never did i say there was a problem w/ him being 40 , just that it didnt make sense in my mind,,, nd actors can play characters that are a different age than them. norman being 40 ≠ daryl having to be 40

4,, he wasnt embarrassed until around season 3-4 iirc , closer to when he was around more people and less isolated , closer to merles death , more so around when he found out carol would go to that community home to get away from ed and then more around beths whole arc (iirc? im a bit aways from s3 rn,,)

nd considering 25+ is around when the frontal lobe developed. yeah. he would act like an idiot in s1. like all young adults do. and he would helplessly follow his brother around for validation considering his childhood, and he’d do whatever he wanted. he would be a terrible drunk, with no job. young adults do that. especially ones w/ mental health / bad childhood

then he develops into a person who was willing to learn to deal with his trauma when around season 4 when (in hc) he’d be like 27 at the earliest (?) because we have to remember that we skip all of loris pregnancy and then the first year (?) of judiths life. making him on the closer side to 30 around the time the prison, when his character starts developing.

(and i never said 25 was the solid age, just that hes “like 25”, meaning im happy to account s1 daryl as 26,27,28, whatever, just that hes under 30 in s1 in my mind)

5 i agree that him being older plays a part in his story but i dont think being 25 suddenly makes him a little baby that makes his development void. his frontal lobe developed. that is a valid subtextual reason for him to mature. but that isnt the only thing that made him reflect and want to cope with his trauma. merles frontal lobe developed and he never tried to do what daryl did - therefor the age thing doesn’t exactly diminish his story or else merle wouldve changed before the outbreak, but he didnt, because some people dont. some people reach frontal lobe age and stay the same. its not “he just grew up” because then merle would have too, but he did grow up, and realised following merle was stupid. but he wouldnt have reached that outcome if there werent other factors so it can easily be both

6 i never said 40 looks old or that theres a problem w it, but how is he older than rick? than most of the other people there? being older than rick feels like it makes no sense (although rick didnt grow up like daryl did and they had carl young so blab yeah theres reasons) and merle being 35+ does make some sense though id somewhat agree 35 is young for merle. m not saying that ppl start decomposing when they hit 30 but god forbid i hc someone as not 40

+ trauma physically ages people so even if daryl did look the same age or older than rick, then it would still be plausible that hes younger. we see trauma age characters in this show. its not hard to assume it happened to him outside of the outbreak too

prob formatted this like a mess but ,, m tired

n e way other people in the rb say that they think daryl is different ages to all of them (varying from 20-40) and as i said in those rbs its interesting that no one can really “agree” on what age he should be cos hes an enigma like that and i think it suits him,, like we all can agree on certain things about certain character cos its a unanimous vibe but then his unanimous vibe is that no one truly knows him??? subtext of it all .

anyway /nm for all of this . im just a little guy . i respect ur opinion cos i love my pookie and i really do love that everyone interprets his story so differently ,,,, i just like talking about it

idgaf im sick of not saying it. s1 daryl dixon is not fucking 40 bro. hes like 25. there is no way in fucking hell.

[donnabroadway]

Double Standard

I know everyone is creaming themselves over the man who got uno reversed on custody. He asked for sole custody, after being an absentee father for nearly a year, and falling behind on child support and got it and now he's asking for her to be forced to parent, by social media, the courts, and the police and everyone is saying, "you asked for sole and you got sole." Many men, who I see request sole custody, either formally or informally by promising to take on the bulk of the parenting, end up regretting that decision. They either dump the kid on the grandma, their sister, another female family member, or whatever girlfriend or wife they happen to have at the time. I saw one man outline a plan for getting full custody that included "finding a good woman." Why do they need a good woman, might you ask. Because once he gets custody, he is going to need someone to take care of that baby and that someone is a "good woman." Many step mothers and girlfriends delude themselves into thinking he stepped it up and got full custody because she helped him see the light about how he was getting the short end of the stick, no it's because he didn't care before and now he has you to do the heavy work of parenting and doing the custody paperwork, so he's going to file for custody. That man had minimum custody because he wanted minimum custody. If he wanted more, he could have gotten it but this is not to dump on that man, as he's been dumped on enough.

The reason why this is so unique, is not just because the man has full custody after getting it to seemingly control her and the situation, it's that the responsibility of parenting has actually fallen to the other parent and not a grandparent, another family member, or the community. The majority of the time, if the mother is not the legal, physical guardian, the child is usually with a grandparent and not a father. Let's not pretend that women have not been walking away from their children since Adam and Eve. No matter how we try to paint it, many people have been reared by their grandparents with their parents only taking the lead once the child reaches adolescence or their frontal lobe develops. There are many people who have only experienced grandparenthood and never parenthood. There are a lot of people who had kids before they were truly ready and the responsibility fell on whoever would take it. What that man's baby mama did wasn't unique and I expect it to happen more now that abortion and contraceptions are increasingly becoming banned or frowned upon. It's noble to talk someone, who is not ready for the full responsibility of parenthood out of their options but what about when the baby is here and you need help and none is found. There was a story on TikTok where someone, who used to work at a pro life organization, realized how dangerous it truly was when a young woman he counseled came in frazzled and needed help and none was available. Babies cost and unless you're blessed with generational wealth, a good nest egg, or a wealthy, or comfortable spouse, you need to go to work to provide. They need food, clothing, shelter, not to mention, it's a 24/7, 365 job, even when they're adults. The $250 or $1200 in child support is not half of it, which is why so many men return their children and just go into arrears, drop the child off to whoever and the mother finds out years later, or find that "good woman" because most men, no matter how involved they say or think they are, it's not nearly as much as being a full time parent and they realize that real quick. That's also why a lot of step mothers are resentful because it's time and money that they don't see the value of, so it's either be a full time mom to a child you didn't birth or take money out of an already tight household. Let's also acknowledge that step mother is a fairly new role because many men would simply leave their families and children and start over and those kids would stay hidden well until adulthood or the obituary. It's only recently that men have to take financial responsibility for families they leave.

I can talk until I'm blue in the face about contraceptions and protecting your womb or your seed but too many people like raw sex and don't believe in birth control, which is why we are so reactive and not proactive about children. Birth control, condoms, or a vasectomy could have prevented all of this.

[ficbitxc]

Trapped With You

Chapter 4  I  Chapter 3   I  Chapter 5  I  masterlist

This is a criminal Minds series I’m making about falling in love with Spencer Reid.

summary: They go back to Mae’s apartment and stuff happens ;)

word count: 1866

warnings: smut, oral (Male on female), maybe a little bit of fluff

Authors Note: Also this is my first time ever writing smut I’m really sorry if it sucks. Also I changed the name a little bit, it just makes more sense this way.

     As I turned into the driveway of my apartment complex, I looked through my rear view mirrors, checking to see if Spencer had pulled in yet. I lost him a few blocks back. I don’t know how I didn’t notice it last time I was in a car with him, but he drives like an old man. I guess I was too distracted by him next to me to notice last time.      With him a few minutes behind me, I ran to my floor. My house wasn’t a mess, but there were for sure a few things I didn’t want him to see on a first date. As I trekked through my apartment, grabbing dirty underwear and socks that were spread across my floor, the doorbell went off. I cursed under my breath before throwing everything into my hamper and running to the door, opening it.      “Come in,” I said, throwing my arm to the side to show him my apartment was open to him. He took one step in and looked back at me.      “Is there anything you want me to do with my shoes?” He said meekly. I giggled at him.      “You can take them off here if you want, i'm not strict about them.” With that he nodded and crouched to untie his shoes before pulling them off, revealing one pink sock and one that was black with white polka dots.      “Nice socks,” I joked.      “I can never find matches after I put them through the wash, so mitch match socks sort of became my thing,” He explained.      “So your genius is enough to actually be a genius, but not to organize your socks?” I chuckled.      “No one can make me wear matching socks, ever.”      “Okay! Sorry Mr. sock man. Anyways, do you want wine or ice cream or something. We can watch a movie, if you want.”    “I actually don’t like wine or alcohol, but what flavors of ice cream do you have?”      “What? How come you don’t like alcohol. And I’m pretty sure Neapolitan.” His face faltered for a second, like he was thinking before he answered.      “I’ve just had… bad experiences. But, I will eat your ice cream if you just pick out just the strawberry parts for me.”      “What is it, sock man, now strawberry man? We’re gonna have to start a notes app for all your nicknames,” I giggled. Spencer's face stayed completely straight, though.       “A notes app?” he questioned.      “What are you 80?” I joked as I walked into my kitchen to grab two bowls. His eyes wandered around my apartment taking in every piece of furniture and knick knack I had. I wondered if he was secretly profiling me, but I didn’t ask.      “ I just like to stick to the old fashioned way of thinking, you know. And I’m actually only 30. I don’t think I ever got your age, Mae.”      “18,” I said. His eyes widened so far I could almost see my reflection.      “I should get going, now actually, thanks for the nice night,” He said as he put his hands in his pockets and started walking towards the door. I grabbed his forearm and laughed.      “I'm only kidding, Spencer. You think I could start a whole business at 18? I’m 26.” He let out a breath that I hadn’t noticed he’d been holding.      “That was not funny Mae!”      “It was a little funny,” I said, pulling him closer to me. We were only a foot away from each other, every inch of it filled with electricity. He looked at me and started to ramble something about how the frontal lobe isn’t developed until you're 25. I couldn’t care less, though. The only thing on my mind was his lips on mine. I decided to stop thinking about it and just go for it.      In the middle of his words, I pressed my lips to his quickly, then pulled away to see his reaction. His mouth stood wide open and he had a confused look on his face. I was about to apologize until he unexpectedly pulled me back in. The electricity from before, now pumping in my veins. I pulled back a second to take a breath.      “So is that a no on the ice cream, then?” He asked.      “I was thinking about a different type of desert,” I replied, “One typically found in my bedroom.” His eyes darkened with lust.      “I think that’s a great idea,” He answered, taking my hand and looking around my apartment to see if he could figure out where my bedroom was. He started walking towards it’s open door. Once we got inside of my room, I pushed him against the wall, pulling him into another kiss. My tongue swiped across his bottom lip as we began to battle for dominance.      I pushed my hand onto his growing bulge unexpectedly, causing him to gasp a little. I pushed my tongue into his mouth in his distracted state. He pulled away slightly.      “I want more,” He begged, “I want you.” With that I undid his belt, throwing it across the room and pulling down his zipper, while we still kissed. As I did that, his hands wandered down to my skirt where he unbuttoned it, making it fall to the ground in a pool around my feet. I quickly took off my sweater, throwing it in the same direction as his belt. As I unbuttoned his shirt, he started sucking on my neck, finding the sweet spot behind my ear.      “You smell so good baby,” He whispered into my ear. My eyes rolled back slightly as I fumbled with the last button. With swiftness I turned and pushed him into my bed.      “I’m going to pay you back for these marks you gave me.” He smiled, ready for what was about to happen. I kissed down his body, starting at his neck, sometimes stopping to suck on him. As I got to his thighs, I made sure to suck on the inner parts. It drove Spencer wild. As I did that , I massaged his bulge through his boxers. His cock twitched at every touch.      “Stop teasing me” He growled. That was all I needed to hear. I swiftly pulled his boxers down and threw them behind me, stopping to stare at him. He was possibly the most beautiful man I've ever seen. Others might say he was too skinny, etc. but to me he was perfect, carved out by the gods, just to send him to me.      My staring made him impatient and he tackled me back onto the bed, pulling my hands above my head. With one hand he kept my hands above me, and with the other and started massaging me through my underwear. I moaned, my eyes wanting to roll back, but I looked him in the eyes. Spencer let go of my hand above my head and used both to roll my underwear down my legs, then to unclasp my bra and throw it behind him.       Copying my antics from before, he looked me up and down, licking his lips. My face burned a little and I started to move my arms to cover myself up. Before I could, though, Spencer stopped me, pushing my arms back above my head.      “You’re beautiful. You never have to cover yourself up with me,” He reassured me. Soon he found his way between my thighs. His tongue swept through my folds and I moaned his name, throwing my head back in pleasure. As he sucked and licked at my clit, I felt the need to grab onto something. My fingers found his hair and I pulled it.      I gasped as he pushed two fingers into me, curling them at the tips. He found my sweet spot almost immediately, focusing his pressure on it while still sucking on my clit. A familiar bubble formed in my stomach as he continued to pump his fingers in and out of me.      “I’m gon- I’m gonna come,” I moaned, my fingers still entangled in his hair.      “Come for me,” Spencer whispered. I could feel his breath as he spoke. Those words were all I needed to hear. My orgasm came rolling through me like a wave, Spencer still using his mouth on me as I called his name, cleaning up my arousal.       Once my orgasm finished I layed there as Spencer came up to my face, kissing me. Usually the taste of myself would make me cringe, but with Spencer it just turned me on even more. Anything with him was 100x better.      “I want you inside of me, doctor. Fuck me,” I whispered into his ear. His eyes darkened at the pet name I gave him.I could tell it drove him crazy.      “Whatever you want, baby.” He said kissing me again, before spreading my legs. With his fingers he took some of my arousal, rubbing himself, before lining up with my entrance. He teased me by rubbing against my folds.      “Doctor, Stop teas-” He pushed himself into me and we both moaned together.          “You’re so tight, baby, I’m not gonna last long,” He said pounding into me. Truthfully I wasn’t close at all, but I already got a release today. And it wasn’t like he still didn’t feel amazing, hitting me in all the right spots.       “Come for me, doctor. I want you to lose control, fucking me so hard I won’t be able to walk tomorrow,” I moaned. He faltered for a second before pounding into me, his strides getting messy as he came closer to his climax. With pleasure coursing through my veins, I couldn’t do anything but hold on. My hands scrunched the bed sheets. All you could hear in my room is skin on skin and our moans.      “I’m gonna come, baby,” He moaned, pulling out of me and jerking himself off, before coming all over my stomach, his warm seed getting all over me. I felt empty without him inside of me.      He collapsed next to me on my bed, both of us just laying there for a while, not knowing what to say. I was fine with it, though. Even awkward silence with Spencer was better than the silence living alone gave me. And what happened before the silence made up for it all.      “How about a shower?” He finally said, breaking the silence.      “Add round two and you got it,” I joked.      "I'm always up for round two," He giggled picking me up and bring me to my bathtub, leaving my body cold as he let go of me.      The rest of the night, I savored every piece of time we had together, even laying in bed feeling his chest rise and fall with every breath he took. The soft sounds of him breathing felt like a lullaby swaying me to sleep. I kept thinking of what would happen tomorrow, dreading Spencer leaving. I kept having to remind myself that this wasn't a one night stand. I had forever to make him fall in love with me and the knowledge of that was enough to help me fall asleep on his chest, dreaming of a love I hoped I would get.

[arandombiped]

I gotchu fam

topic: adhd (from someone with a late diagnosis)

adhd (attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder) is a type of neurological development that causes a person difficulty regulating their executive functions like attention, emotional regulation, motivation, and self-regulation.

There are three main ways that adhd can present:

Hyperactive presentation- This is what people typically think of when they hear about adhd. An ADHDer with this presentation might be talking a lot, fidgeting, and feeling very restless. Some with this presentation may move around a lot, even if it’s not the most appropriate time to do so (in a meeting, in a class, etc). This presentation usually has a lot of external symptoms and expressions.

Inattentive presentation- The symptoms of adhd are more internalized, which makes things like organization, staying on task, and focusing on one thing very hard. It includes a lot of spacing out and getting lost in thought. This expression of adhd is more common in those socialized as girls, mostly because they were expected to act more “mature” at a much younger age, and more hyperactive symptoms were internalized or repressed. For me specifically (since this is how my adhd presents), it feels like my thoughts are more hyperactive than my body is, like i have a swarm of thoughts all happening at once. I fidget to get an outlet for my restless brain.

Combined- ADHDers with both hyperactive and inattentive presentation.

most adhders struggle with a lot of impulsivity because their brain defaults to doing whatever will give them the most dopamine NOW. The motivation/reward system in the brains of adhders doesn’t give as much serotonin (reward) for doing mundane tasks, so they often end up avoiding or putting off said tasks until it’s dire. Motivation is pretty much the same, where it takes a whole lot more energy to start a task than it does our neurotypical counterparts. Many have to find ways to trigger or jumpstart their motivation externally. I listen to music a lot while I do chores and homework because it tricks my brain into giving me enough dopamine to start. It’s not 100% certain that it will work, and some chores and assignments take way more energy than I even have in a given day.

many who struggle with starting tasks, even when they’re important, have experienced adhd paralysis. this happens when an ADHDer doesn’t have enough energy to start a task, but also knows they need to complete it, so they get stuck in a loop of “I can’t do this right now because I need rest” and “I cannot rest until Task Complete”

one of the things that I mentioned earlier was emotional regulation. This is something that can be really hard on an ADHDer because the frontal lobe (executive function center) is what regulates our thoughts, feelings and actions, but it develops more slowly in adhd brains. This often leads to a hard time with emotions, and explains the rate of mental health issues in those who have adhd (which is about 60-80%). I personally don’t have any diagnosed mental health issues, but I struggle a lot with anxiety and sadness because it feels so overwhelming in the moment.

A good way to combat this for me has been Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It taught me how to manage my own thoughts, refocus on a more realistic perspective by combating and addressing negative thoughts. The therapist I worked with taught me how to break down negative thoughts into a perspective I had of reality, for example, the thought “what if I never find someone who cares about me” finds its roots in a core belief, such as “I don’t deserve love.” From there, the root problem can be addressed. With enough practice, this process becomes automatic and can really help.

INFODUMP OVER

Can someone give me an ungodly amount of information on a random subject?

[musicprincess655]

Ryuu wakes up a week after his twenty-fifth birthday with a fully formed frontal lobe, the remnants of dream that didn’t even have the decency to be wet, and an unfortunate realization.

“Gin.”

She’s already up, of course, sipping at a coffee, but then, she’s always been the more functional one. Ryuu would argue that it’s because she’s younger and therefore spent less time in the slums before their lives found some stability in the Port Mafia. Gin would argue that it’s because Chuuya raised her instead of Dazai.

“I believe I may have…feelings…for Jinko.”

She doesn’t look suitably impressed by the earth-shattering news.

“Do you want a regular cake or a cupcake tower at the wedding?”

Ryuu is so shocked by her lack of shock that he actually answers.

“Cupcake tower.” He shakes his head. “Did you hear me? I have feelings for Jinko.”

“It’s kind of too late to go back to calling him Jinko when you’ve been calling him by his real name for over a year.”

“I have feelings for-!”

“I heard you the first two times!”

“Then tell me what I’m supposed to do!”

“I don’t know!” she snaps, although she sounds more exasperated than mad. “Woo him? Marry him? Bear his weird tiger babies?”

“That’s physically impossible. Also, no?”

“I don’t know what you want here,” she says. “General dating advice wouldn’t work on you two.”

“Dating?!”

“Fucking hell.” She sounds so frustrated that Ryuu is sure she’s about to throw a knife at him just to get him to shut up. “Try talking to him.”

“No.”

“Then eat shit and die!”

Ryuu isn’t quite sure who else to ask for help. He almost goes to Chuuya, but considering Chuuya’s – arrangement? Relationship? – with Dazai, Ryuu thinks that might actually make everything worse. Whatever those two are doing, he doesn’t think it’ll work for anyone else.

So he takes the second option presented to him: he shoves those feelings right back where they belong and forgets they ever existed. Or tries to.

See, Ryuu is good at anger. He recognizes it in himself, knows now how to ramp it down or let it take him as necessary, knows how to use it, TED talk to follow. What is he supposed to do with something so much softer?

It should be easy to ignore. But like an amorphous block, the soft edges of the feelings squeeze out no matter where he tries to shove them down.

Ryuu doesn’t think Atsushi has noticed anything is off. He’s sure Atsushi would have said something by now otherwise. As an adult, Atsushi has all the observation skills of a detective and none of the reticence for sharing his observations that he used to. The new confidence is annoying, and has led to annoying things like Ryuu being forced to buy Atsushi food all the time, and in general, Atsushi is somehow more annoying than when he went running scared from Ryuu’s every glare.

And Ryuu has feelings for him anyway. His taste leaves much to be desired, and he needs to come up with some synonyms for annoying.

This systematic denial works for all of two weeks, and Ryuu is ready to celebrate the success of creating a new normal so seamlessly that Atsushi hasn’t even noticed they have a new normal, when it all goes to shit.

They don’t have quite as many people to beat into the ground to protect Yokohama as they did when they started their partnership, but every so often, a new group thinks it’s a good idea to disturb the peace. Ryuu and Atsushi, for their efficiency alone, are the best choice for dealing with it.

Some syndicate from Europe seems to think they have the right to expand into the Asian market, and they’ve set their eyes on the port of Yokohama for their first step in. They don’t have nearly the same aversion to city-wide destruction that the Port Mafia do, which makes this the Armed Detective Agency’s problem too, and, consequently, Ryuu and Atsushi’s problem. They’re in charge of stopping and containing a Gifted vanguard while the combined strategic might of Dazai and Mori deal with the rest of the syndicate.

It’s a tough fight, but Ryuu gets to let loose and use his Ability to the fullest. His deal with Atsushi to not kill is long since over, but he developed habits during those six months that he hasn’t bothered to shake, and the fight isn’t the bloodbath it could be. Still, when the last person raises their hands in surrender, Ryuu is almost gasping for breath. He may have learned to work smarter instead of harder, but working smarter is hard on him in its own way.

“Good work today,” Atsushi says, wiping blood from an already-healed cut off his mouth. Even after all this time, the praise still sends a thrill down Ryuu’s spine.

Then Atsushi lifts his head, and his eye are so wide, and he looks so happy, smiling without reservation at Ryuu, and Ryuu doesn’t know what his face does, but it must be pretty spectacular because Atsushi’s smile fades.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “You’re not hurt, are you?”

“I’m fine,” Ryuu says, turning on his heel to get away from Atsushi and the emotions he wears so openly. He needs to find a bar, one Atsushi won’t follow him to, and he doesn’t stop to consider the implications of skipping their post-mission dinner arrangement for the first time in years.

When Chuuya finds him, he’s getting systematically drunk.

Which, granted, doesn’t take much, He’s always been a bit of a lightweight, probably due to how severely underweight he’s been for most of his life. That’s not quite the problem it used to be, and one shot isn’t enough to take him out at the knees anymore, but he doesn’t even have to use his fancy mafia paycheck to get well and truly plastered.

“So I know I’m about to sound like a hypocrite, but it’s barely five,” Chuuya says, and while his words are chiding, his tone isn’t. Ryuu is still working on reading people’s intentions, but Chuuya has never been hard. He’s worried. “Wanna talk?”

“Stupid fucking Jinko and his stupid fucking doe eyes,” Ryuu mutters before he can stop himself. He’s had six shots. He wishes he had a better excuse.

“Oh, so it’s that kind of drinking,” Chuuya sighs. He raises his hand to catch the bartender’s attention, elegant and confident in one motion. “Whiskey for me. Water for him.”

“I’m fine.”

“Akutagawa.”

Chuuya rests his hand on Ryuu’s head, and Ryuu is almost ashamed of the way he leans into the touch immediately. Despite all the jokes even he himself makes, he’s not a dog. Still, to have someone touch him without even the intention of hurting him…it’s nice. It’s uncommon. It’s, perhaps, something that shouldn’t be so uncommon from a superior.

He’s so drunk.

“Do you want my advice?” Chuuya asks after the bartender sets both of their drinks down and Ryuu throws back half the tall glass of water.

Ryuu is silent for just a beat too long.

“Kid,” Chuuya sighs again, not angry or even exasperated, as is more common with him and Ryuu recently. He sounds faintly amused. “I know we’ve talked about this. You’re allowed to say no to me.”

“It’s not…” Ryuu tries. “I just…” He has to parse it into words, the fact that after Gin, Chuuya was the first he thought to turn to, and why he didn’t in the end. “I don’t know if I, necessarily, want the answer I think you’ll give me.”

“What answer do you think I’ll give you?” Chuuya asks. His hand is still on Ryuu’s head, pulling until Ryuu is very nearly tucked into his shoulder.

“Two options,” Ryuu says. “Something I can’t use, or something I won’t want to.”

“Ah.” Chuuya takes a sip of his whiskey. “You know I’ve had relationships with people other than Dazai, right?”

“That’s where the something I can’t use comes from.”

“So my relationship with Dazai is too fucked up, but all my other relationships are too normal?” Chuuya asks, summing it up entirely too well.

“I don’t think I can do normal,” Ryuu says. “I’m pretty sure he can’t either.”

“I can’t tell you how to fix that,” Chuuya admits. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be where I am. Which isn’t a complaint, by the way. I’m happy. But I’ll admit parts of my life are less than functional, and that’s down to choices I’ve made. That being said…” he gives Ryuu’s hair a little tug until Ryuu is truly resting on his shoulder, head momentarily stopped from spinning, “…I doubt Nakajima would kick you out of his life for anything at this point.”

“You think I should talk to him too,” Ryuu says.

“Gin’s smarter than you give her credit for.”

“She told you about this?”

“I just know she’s the only other person you’d tell about this,” Chuuya says. “You’re not actually that complicated.”

“I talk to Higuchi about stuff,” Ryuu pouts. He won’t admit he’s pouting.

“You’re not cruel to her anymore,” Chuuya says. “So no, I don’t think you would’ve told her about this.”

“I want another shot.”

“You should probably be done for the night,” Chuuya advises. “Listen. I don’t know how this is gonna shake out. I don’t know Nakajima well enough to guess what he’ll do. But I do know you, and I can tell you that you’re gonna be okay.”

“You think?”

“I think it would take another city-destroying disaster for you to not be okay,” Chuuya says. “And that wasn’t an invitation. I’m enjoying the peace. It’s good for business.” His phone chimes. “Your ride is here, and you’re cut off.”

“You called a car?”

“Like I said,” Chuuya says, getting to his feet, “I know you.”

Having a superior care so openly about him is still a bit of a new experience, and rather than try to examine anything Chuuya said, Ryuu just collapses into bed when the driver drops him off, hoping he’ll just forget everything by the morning. He doesn’t, of course, because that would be too easy.

Things were fine between him and Atsushi before, but suddenly, there’s a new tension. Ryuu panics, convinced Atsushi knows, but after a day of careful observation, he’s almost positive that Atsushi actually doesn’t. Atsushi isn’t shying away from the parts of their alliance that Ryuu, a few years ago, had reluctantly labelled as friendship. He doesn’t have a problem with their casual conversation, and their shared food arrangements have picked up again without so much as a mention of one missed.

In fact, the only thing that has changed is actually something Ryuu’s seen before, just not in years.

They’re friends now. Beyond just tolerating his presence, Ryuu does like having Atsushi around. He even has these new mushy feelings that make him a little sick to his stomach if he thinks about them too hard. But none of that changes the fact that sometimes, Atsushi annoys the ever-loving fuck out of him.

Snapping at Atsushi usually only gets Ryuu an eye roll now, or sometimes a shut up if he says something particularly spiteful, but ever since Ryuu bailed on dinner, every time he snaps at Atsushi, instead of the customary dismissal, Ryuu gets a flinch like he used to when they first started working together.

And seriously, what the fuck? He knows Atsushi isn’t scared of him anymore. For one thing, they’ve proven a few times that Atsushi can beat him into the ground if he wants. For another, Ryuu has calmed down a bit and Atsushi has stuck around enough to figure out how to exist in the same space without killing each other. They haven’t had a serious fight in years.

Ryuu can’t figure out what Atsushi’s sudden problem is, and doubly can’t figure out why it would’ve started after he skipped buying Atsushi food once. It’s almost enough to push the mush feelings that started this whole mess to a backburner, only surfacing when Ryuu’s eyes linger too long on the clean, lithe lines of Atsushi’s body, and he knows he’s not the only one who stares, anyway.

And then a new group surfaces. A remnant faction of the Guild that has apparently spent the better part of five years biding their time and preparing to take revenge on both the Port Mafia and the ADA. Since Ryuu and Atsushi were the ones to take down Fitzgerald, the faction prepared the most for them. From the beginning of an attack they only had the slightest warning for, Ryuu and Atsushi are methodically separated from everyone else.

They’re losing. Badly. Ryuu doesn’t know where any allies are except for Atsushi, and then only because Rashomon still has a tendril on him. Blood pours down his leg from a shot above his knee, and Ryuu resists the urge to favor the leg in case he has to run again. He ducks into an alley and slides down the wall, trying to catch his breath, get his bearings. He hasn’t had to legitimately fight for survival in a long time, and though his life has made him no stranger to pain, he’s not as young as he used to be, and his body protests when Ryuu tries to demand movement from it.

“Aku.”

It seems Atsushi has found him. Ryuu doesn’t even bother to snap at him for the nickname. Atsushi picked up the habit a few years back, saying Ryuu’s name was too long for him to yell, and Ryuu has begrudgingly gotten used to it, only putting up token protests now. He hurts too much for those, though.

“We have to get clear,” Ryuu tells him.

He heard some distant explosions he’d bet his coat are Chuuya, and where they find Chuuya, they’ll find the Black Lizard – they’ll find Gin – and they’ll find Dazai, or at least Dazai’s mind, talking through an earpiece and entirely out of the fight, safe where he’s most effective. Those allies would be enough to turn the tide, if only Ryuu had any damn clue how they could get clear.

“I have an idea,” Atsushi says.

“That is not your area,” Ryuu counters. He can’t help himself. Everything hurts.

“I know you’re mad at me, but trust me on this,” Atsushi pleads.

“I’m not…” Ryuu is so taken aback he needs a second to organize a response. “Why would I be mad at you?”

Generally speaking, he’s almost never mad at Atsushi anymore. If he is’ it’s a fleeting anger, gone as soon as he recognizes it. He has no clue why Atsushi might think he’s angry enough to revert their relationship back five years.

“Because you skipped dinner, and you made this face…” Atsushi trails off, and Ryuu…

His taste leaves so much to be desired. Atsushi is an idiot, all personal growth aside, and Ryuu realizes, with a degree of horror, that he feels something very close to fond.

“That’s not why,” he says, voice gruff, and he’s once again lost control of his face. Atsushi searches his eyes, and Ryuu sees the moment the truth dawns on him.

“Are you…?”

“You said you had an idea?” Ryuu interrupts. He keeps his eyes off Atsushi’s face.

“I do,” Atsushi says. “I need all of Rashomon.”

Ryuu instinctively holds his Ability closer. He’d given all of her to Atsushi earlier, a standard play when they’re in an all-out fight, but it only works when Atsushi takes all the hits. After he got shot in the leg, he pulled part of her back.

“Do you think you can hold onto me?” Atsushi asks.

“Why?”

“I won’t be able to hold onto you.”

“You’re going to get us both killed,” Ryuu accuses without heat. He can already feel himself relenting.

“Trust me,” Atsushi begs.

Ryuu does.

“I guess another trip with the world’s worst Uber driver isn’t the worst way to go,” Ryuu sighs.

Atsushi crouches in front of him, hands careful on Ryuu’s leg as he clambers onto Atsushi’s back. It aches, but Ryuu holds with both his arms and hopes for the best.

“Use Rashomon to amplify the jump,” Atsushi tells him. “And leave me plenty of slack.”

“Slack…why?” Ryuu asks, but Atsushi is already gone under his hands, replaced with a tiger. “Oh.”

Atsushi’s muscles bunch, and that’s all the warning Ryuu gets before they take off into the sky.

The tiger can’t fly, but the jump is so powerful, especially with the added strength of Rashomon, that it feels like a near thing. They soar above the building they’d been sheltered behind, over the heads of their enemies, and by the time anyone thinks to attack, it’s already too late.

“East,” Ryuu shouts above the wind. With the new vantage point he can get a better idea of where Chuuya is. Atsushi can’t answer him, of course, but he obeys anyway, touching down and running towards the explosions. They’re almost to relative safety when a strike from the side sends them both sprawling.

An Ability user approaches them, hands crackling with something obviously dangerous. Ryuu doesn’t stop to think. He just attacks, Rashomon rushing the man in furious tendrils. He pulls back at the last minute, and when the dust clears, the man is unconscious and full of holes, but still breathing.

Ryuu is just turning to see if he needs to pull emergency first aid skills out of his ass when he gets an armful of re-humanized Atsushi and a pair of lips hitting his own like a punch. He doesn’t even have time to respond to the kiss before Atsushi shoves him back by the shoulders.

“Wait, shit!”

Atsushi regrets the kiss. Atsushi regrets him.

Ryuu’s hand twitches towards the phone in his pocket. He can leave this all behind and start a new life. In Iceland. He can use the Duolingo app Chuuya made him download to learn the language. He’ll herd sheep. He’ll change his name to Sven.

“I was supposed to ask for consent first!”

“What?” Ryuu – Sven – asks.

“I’m supposed to ask for consent before I kiss you!”

This doesn’t…feel like rejection. Sven – Ryuu – takes his thumb off the Duolingo app.

“You’ve been thinking about kissing me?” he asks.

“I was…I mean…” Atsushi flushes red. “For a while now? I never thought you’d want me to, but then you did, and…”

Leave it to Atsushi to charge right through all the hesitancy Ryuu’s been feeling. He always has been the kind to leap before he looks.

In a better world, they’d have time to let this play out like a shoujo manga, time for them to gaze into each other’s eyes, time to work up to a kiss much softer and slower, something a first kiss deserves to be.

But it’s not a better world, and they’re still not safe, but they’re close enough to allies that they can make a run for it.

“We have to get out of here,” Ryuu says. He can already hear enemies approaching. Atsushi lets go of his shoulders, and they both start running, Ryuu limping on his bad leg. “And Atsushi?”

“Hm?”

“Buy me dinner first.”

Ryuu doesn’t watch Atsushi take that for the consent it is, but he knows the message is received when Atsushi reaches out to squeeze his hand as they run, letting it drop so they can move faster. They’ll probably have to talk this out when they’re safe, because Gin is right; they need to talk. But now they both know it’s not one-sided, and it’s as good a starting place as any.

In spite of the pain in his leg and his lungs, in spite of the danger they’re still in, Ryuu can’t help the grin that spreads across his face as he runs, Atsushi by his side.

[dreriskim]

Allow me to bring you home ♥

Author’s note: fan fic of Open heart this is my version of Book 2 Chapter 1. I tried my best to express my thoughts the best way I could. It’s hard when English is not my native language, but I do hope you enjoy it nevertheless.  

Characters: Ethan x mc (Dr. Eris Kim)

---

Doctor Ramsey just got back from the Amazon. He's been away for 2 months fighting an epidemic with WHO. He did not tell Eris about his plans on volunteering mainly because he knew she might also enlist herself on the program. Part of the reason why he wanted to volunteer was to clear off his mind, and try to fight off the rather confusing affection he feels for Eris. Maybe months away from her will make him realize that what he feels for her was nothing but a fling.

Eris went crazy trying to text or call him, but to no avail. She knew he will be back today that was why when her friends invited her to Donahue's, she immediately said yes. While drinking, she keeps on staring at the door and every time it's not Ethan, she feels utterly disappointed.

She continued drinking while listening to her friends' conversations they are currently talking about their excitement for residency. Suddenly, Sienna nudged her elbow and flashed a wide grin, "Look who's here!"

Eris immediately looked up, and saw the man he was looking for the entire night. She squared her shoulders and sat up straight at the sight of Ethan Ramsey. Her heart started pounding so fast, and she felt extremely nervous. He is wearing a leather jacket, and his beard grew longer. His eyes wandered around the bar as if he is searching for someone.

"Hi Dr. Ramsey! Welcome back!" Jackie shouted capturing his attention, then she placed her hands on Eris’ shoulders. "Our Eris here is excited for her first day in the diagnostics team!"

Eris scowled at Jackie, and nervously glanced at Ethan. When they locked eyes, she couldn't breath properly, and she realized how much she missed staring at those bright blue eyes.

"Rookie." he greeted with an unreadable expression.

"You're late! I'm a resident now." His lips turned up in a wistful smile, and they gazed on each other a little longer. She felt like he was staring straight to her soul. 

"Maybe you-" She was about to invite him to sit with them when he shifted his gaze and cleared his throat. "Enjoy the rest of the night." Dr. Ramsey made his way inside the bar without looking back.

"Don't worry Eris. You will work with him in the diagnostics team. You'll have plenty of time with each other." Sienna whispered, and gave her a reassuring smile.

He is clearly avoiding me. Eris thought to herself.

After their encounter, she started drinking non-stop as if to wash away the sadness she feels inside. This is not what she expected their reunion to be. She waited for him for 2 months without any news from him or about him. What is she to Ethan Ramsey? The times they spent together did he regret all of them?

That’s it. Eris thought she wants to give him a piece of her mind. She snatched a bottle of whiskey from the table, and headed inside. She saw Ethan in his usual spot drinking his scotch alone with a grim face. She sat beside him and gave him a strained smile, "Hi Dr. Ramsey"

"Dr. Kim" he acknowledged then continued drinking. She gulped the bottle of whiskey she's holding, and he looked at her in disbelief.

"Dr. Kim, drinking too much alcohol affects your brain's frontal lobes resulting to incapacity to behave properly."

"Oh, really Doctor?" she smirked as if teasing him. "so what is your treatment plan?"

He raised an eyebrow at her. "My recommendation is for you to stop drinking over your limit."

She smiled at him and placed her hand on his tensed jaw. "Wrong answer!"

He looked at her in complete shock. "Listen! I am not going to be-" Eris put a finger on his lips. "I think a kiss is a much better treatment, and I suggest a lifelong follow up." She bats her lashes at him, and his breath hitched when her finger started tracing his lower lip. Ethan immediately composed himself and removed her touch, "Christ Eris! You're drunk!"

"Oh, am I?" She suddenly remembered why she's here beside him in the first place. "I want to commend you for your bravery. You ventured in the depths of the Amazon fighting an epidemic, but I have to ask. Why didn't you keep in touch? After everything that happened between us?"

A gloomy look falls on Ethan’s face, he shifted his gaze to his glass. “..That wasn’t bravery, and everything that happened between us was the very reason I did not keep in touch. I know for sure that the moment I hear your voice, I’d start packing and fly back. It's already a shame to admit that I was there because I wanted to get away..." he paused for a moment trying to weigh his choice of words. "from you."

She looked at him with full of confusion. "From me? Why? I was worried. I just had to know if you were okay, if you were-" Eris stopped. She looked at the ceiling, and blinked twice trying to hold the tears that had been building up. Then she laughed, "I guess you're right. I'm drunk!"

"Dr. Kim in your career phase, professional development is too important and I cannot jeopardize that with.. whatever it was that we had.”  He looked at her with pain in his eyes. "We have to put in the past. You are going to be in my team, I’m going to be your boss. I need you to focus on what truly matters."

She felt a stab of pain in her chest, and she tried her best to conceal it. "and I’m here.. secretly wishing to sleep with you tonight." she made an effort to smile, and chugged her whiskey again.

She leaned in to him and whispered to his ears. "Ethan, I want you..." she said looking at him almost pleading.

Her words sent shiver down his spine to wrap around his length. Ethan felt uncomfortable with the sudden reaction from his manhood, and gave his best to restrain himself. “Eris please--” he muttered as if begging her to stop.

she chuckles at his reaction, "Okay okay!" she stopped caressing his cheeks and raised her hands in surrender. "I won't bother you anymore. Although, maybe a night with someone else would make me forget about you." she pouts.

He looked at her in disbelief. His jaw clenched, and facial muscles tensed at the thought of Eris spending a night with someone else. He stared at her face, her cheeks are flushed red. Her brown eyes are starting to look heavy, yet still mesmerizing. She looks breathtaking just like how he last saw her. He has been trying his best not to succumb to her incessant teasing, but she is making it hard for him. She is undeniably irresistible.

"Good night Dr. Ramsey. I’m gonna enjoy the rest of the night just like what you said." she gave him a painful smile, and when she was about to leave, he stopped her by holding her hand firmly.

"I suggest...don't do things you might regret." he said narrowing his eyes.

"Thank you for the reminder good Sir. However, last time I checked, outside the hospital, you don't get to tell me what to do!" She grinned, and started to move out of the bar stool.

She's leaving..

Ethan started to panic at the thought. Eris leaving? No. No. She can't. Fuck! He was the one who initiated for them to reset- to move forward and forget everything that ever happened between them. Yet, he just can't let her go.

She arched an eyebrow at him. "So?" her eyes darted at Ethan's hand.

All of Ethan's effort the last few months turned to nothing - when he cupped her face and crashed his lips onto hers. Eris’ heart pounded in her chest, and everything around them turned into a blur. He used his tongue to part her lips, and paved his way inside her mouth. He kissed her like he’s being intoxicated by the taste of whiskey on her lips. A withering pleasure begins to envelop them as A Rocket to the Moon’s Baby Blue Eyes blast through the bar’s speakers. She moaned when he sucked her lower lip. He continued to kiss her passionately, furiously, hungrily like she was the very air he breathes. 

Eris put her hands on Ethan’s neck deepening the kiss, and burning desire started to make her knees weak. His hands went straight to her waist to hold her still. After torridly kissing her, they finally break apart. A mixture of lust and pain etched on his face. He is still holding her as if he's scared she will run away. Ethan looked at her straight in the eyes, and she saw everything she wanted to see and more.

  Ethan yearns for her just as much as she does.

"I can't believe you have this much power over me, Eris Kim." he sighed.

Eris smiled at him teasingly. "Dr. Ramsey, you do know we're at Donahue's right?"

"Right." Ethan glances around the bar, and everyone seems preoccupied with their own activities.

"Allow me to safely bring you home." Ethan touched her hand, and she gave him a coy smile. “Do you seriously believe I would really go after a random guy and sleep with him?”

Ethan shut his eyes for a while, and it’s as if a dam broke when he opened them again. “Please.. don’t ever mention going after another man in front of me again. I--” He trails off and shakes his head.

All he knows is that whatever they have or had... has much power over him than he ever thought. 

[teaveetamer]

My Issues With TFioS (and Other Elements of John Green)

Alright I’m just going to preface this with two things.

It’s been about six years since I’ve read the entire thing through, so my points are probably not going to be as detailed or precise as they were when I first read it.

If you enjoyed the book, identify with the fanbase, or like John Green in any capacity... Great! You might want to skip this one. This is definitely not the post for you. I’m going to put all of my more controversial thoughts under the cut so if you don’t want to see them you can just move on.

I brought up the book in that other post because I felt it had relevance to the discussion of “authors using characters as a mouthpiece”, but that’s only a small part of my issue with the book itself. I suppose I could have used a fanfiction example, since there’s more than enough fodder there, but I brought up The Fault in our Stars specifically because I feel comfortable criticizing a book in a way that I don’t feel comfortable criticizing fan works. John Green is a public figure that produced a paid product, made money, and does this professionally, while most fanfic authors are amateurs that provide free entertainment and just do it for fun.

Now with that said, we move on to the meat of the post.

Some Background

Perhaps this is not a little known fact, but I absolutely adore love stories. I don’t have incredibly high standards for them by any means, and in fact I actively enjoy them even when they aren’t the deepest, most thought provoking pieces. Someone got me a copy of Red, White, and Royal Blue for my birthday this year and I read the entire thing cover to cover in a day (and I seriously recommend if you’re looking for a pretty easy read with a lot of gay).

The only thing I love more than love stories? Tragic love stories, of course. If anyone has followed my fanfiction or main blog for any amount of time then you know that I love a little bit of tragedy. Usually with a happy ending, but not always. So when one of my friends shoved (and I mean literally shoved) The Fault in Our Stars  into my hands and billed it as a “tragic but heartwarming love story” I thought it would be perfect for me.

I was sixteen at the time, the target age demographic, and I was always looking for books with smart, well written teen characters. At this point in my life I’d never heard of John Green or his fanbase before. I tell you this because I disliked the book as I read it, but I think John Green and his fanbase are a major factor in why I disliked it so much I’m willing to sit down and write a blog post about it six years later. Granted, that’s not all on the book, but it is a factor.

Needless to say, I was not all that impressed by it. At some points I was downright infuriated, really.

My Issues With the Book

In summary, it feels very meh and overly pretentious. After about two chapters I just wanted to put it down, and the only reason I pushed through is because my friend insisted that it got better. She said it was funny, relatable, and intelligent, but I found it to be none of these things.

The impression I got was that the author, whoever he was, fancied himself terribly clever and he wanted everyone to know it. You know the type, the kinds of people that go around and assure everyone of how smart they are? It feels like it was made for haughty teens to brag about how intelligent they were because they read a “deep” book.  The book itself, despite being a surface level of “witty”, didn’t really have anything to say. In the end it reads like a thirty-something year old man bragging about how smart he is and waxing philosophical about the nature of life (and... Breakfast food..?) and using a fictional teenage girl to do it.

That’s why I brought up the “mouthpiece” thing. I didn’t want to read a book about a thirty-something dressing up his thoughts as a teenage girl. I wanted to read a book about a teenage girl.

Speaking of Hazel Grace… I don’t know if this is a common experience, but can anyone else tell when a man writes a female character? I find that I usually can. Men have a particular voice when they write, and especially when they write women. Every single page hammered me over the head with the fact that this was a man who was trying (and, in my opinion, failing miserably) to write a relatable teenage girl. And, in my opinion, he parroted a lot of very upsetting, dangerous mentalities for young women.

There were quite a few “I’m not like other girls, and not just because of the cancer!” moments (a mentality that I find wholly problematic coming from other women, let alone a man writing for a woman) that just had me rolling my eyes straight out of their sockets. She doesn’t care about shoes, see! She reads books! Isn’t that awesome and unique? Because, apparently, women are not allowed to do both.

These problematic mentalities extend into the book’s romance plot, too. Augustus is, frankly, one of the creepiest motherfuckers I’ve ever had the displeasure to read about. Not only is his aggressive creepiness portrayed as romantic, but Hazel reacts exactly how men wish women would react to their advances. Unfortunately I don’t have a copy of the book in front of me so you won’t get much in the way of direct quotes, but some examples include:

He stares at her, completely unblinking, for the duration of their cancer kids support group meeting… before they’ve even so much as spoken a word to each other. Which also features this gem of a quote: "A nonhot boy stares at you relentlessly and it is, at best, awkward and, at worst, a form of assault. But a hot boy . . . well." which just perpetuates the disgusting misconception that women are okay with being creeped on as long as a guy is attractive. Spoiler alert: We fucking aren’t.

He repeatedly refers to Hazel as “Hazel Grace”, despite her introducing herself as “Hazel” and asking him to just call her “Hazel”. And not only does he ask for her full name, he demands she give it to him. This rings all kinds of alarm bells for me, because you know who else does that kind of shit? Christian Grey. And it’s manipulative, disrespectful, and downright rude. It is essentially saying “I hear your desires, but I would prefer to address you how I want to address you, not how you would like to be addressed, because my ego is more important than your comfort”.

Hazel is perfectly fine with getting into a complete stranger’s car and spending time at his house mere minutes after meeting with him and after all of the questionable shit he just pulled.

Continuing this book’s litany of problems with women, let’s talk about Isaac’s (ex)girlfriend. The book treats their breakup as this massive betrayal, then even goes on to justify vandalizing her property because of it.

I’m sorry, but no.

You, as an autonomous human being, have the right to end a relationship with someone else whenever, wherever, and for whatever reasons you designate, regardless of previously expressed emotions or promises. How and when she did it was not the most ideal, but she’s an emotionally immature teenager, and there’s never going to be a good time to do something like this. What was she supposed to do, keep pity dating him because she felt sorry for him? Wait until someone invented technology to cure blindness? Assuming she did actually break up with him because of his disability… Are her reasons shitty? Sure. But she’s allowed to have them.

And you know what? He’s allowed to be mad about it. His anger might be completely understandable, if not totally justified. But you know what else? That does not give him the right to take revenge on her by vandalizing her property.

I would have no problem with this scene if it were honest about what it was: a bunch of teenagers with under-developed frontal lobes that are angry and feeling vindictive. But it’s not that. It’s depicted as not only completely justified, but heroic. I’m sorry, no. You are never heroic for harassing another human being.

And Augustus’s dumb little speech to her mom is such garbage. You really expect me to believe that a grown woman was so pwned by some jerk teenager’s super witty justification for destroying her property that she just went inside and, idk, watched TV? Didn’t call the police to report the crime that he and his friends were actively committing against her? Bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit, that scene is pretty egregious, but that doesn’t even begin to cover my issues with this book’s pretentious dialogue. If you told me that they ran every word in this book through Thesaurus.com then I would believe you without hesitation. The one hook, the draw, the thing that kept me reading was supposed to be the relatable characters, but they just aren’t relatable. They’re not realistic in the slightest. Seriously, go read any line of this book out loud and tell me how ridiculous you feel. I kept expecting Augustus to pull off his skinsuit and reveal that he was secretly a robot trying to imitate human speech the entire time.

I’m not sure how far I can go into this point without giving you direct quotes, but half the stuff that comes out of these characters mouths is pseudo-intellectual nonsense. “Put the killing thing between your teeth so it can’t kill you”?

It’s not a metaphor.

Putting an unlit cigarette in your mouth is still stupid. I guess it won’t give you lung cancer, but really? It’s still not a great idea.

Augustus has to go buy these cigarettes, which means he’s actively going out and giving money to an industry that has been funding pseudoscience and suppressing health initiatives that would prevent people from suffering what he did (i.e. fucking cancer).

Here’s a clue: Tobacco companies don’t actually care about what you do with the cigarettes. Their transaction stops as soon as you put the money in their hands. I could purchase a hundred packs and throw them in the garbage, and the only thing they know is that they got about $600 from me. Way to “stick it to the man”, asshole. You’re not clever.

With the exception of the Isaac’s-girlfriend thing, all of that is in chapters 1-4, by the way. This book turned me off so thoroughly that early.

So by the time the Amsterdam trip rolled around I was already not enjoying this book, but then this thing happened and it was just the final nail in the coffin for me. You probably know what I’m talking about already, but if you don’t… The Anne Frank Museum kiss.

I honestly cannot even articulate how incredibly tasteless and disrespectful I find the entire thing, and not only does that happen, but it’s followed by an r/ThatHappened “and then everybody stood up and clapped!” Seriously?

There are smarter, more well-versed people than me that have covered this topic, so I’ll leave the analysis for why that’s all kinds of wrong to them.

Those are really my big gripes, though there’s a few smaller ones (like Augustus throwing a pre-funeral like are you a psychopath? Why would you put the people you love through that???) that I’m not going to touch on because they weren’t all that instrumental in putting me off. Instead I’ll move on to the external factors.

The Fanbase

So I finished the book, a little miffed at having just wasted my time, and immediately told my friend that I didn’t like it much, and that I would be returning her copy the next day. Feeling pretty meh-to-slightly-negative about it, but whatever, it happens.

I was essentially met with “wow I can’t believe you didn’t get it.” and “Oh well maybe you’ll finally understand how deep it is when you’re older” from my friend. Which is really just one step away from the wow can’t you read?! BS that I’ve been seeing more and more frequently these days. So immediately I was pissed. All that aside, I was sixteen, the target age demographic? If I didn’t ‘get it’ then John Green was doing a pretty piss poor job of conveying what it is.

So I went online seeking something. Either validation that I wasn’t wrong and that I didn’t miss the point, the book just wasn’t great, or an explanation of what this it was that I’d missed. And let me tell you... Spotting a negative opinion of this book was like looking for a unicorn. There were a few, and many of them were met with the same kind of thing I had experienced. Vitriol, insistence that they were stupid or that they didn’t get it (again, with no explanation of what it was), and, apparently, a lot of harassment and threats.

I discovered that John Green’s target audience had a tendency to be… A bit obsessive. Lots of young, impressionable teenagers that were willing to jump on an opposing opinion with zealous outrage. If I had any interest in pursuing any of John Green’s other works or John Green as an internet personality any further, then it died in that moment. Absolutely nothing turns me off like a rabid, spiteful fanbase.

Now by this point I was already in the rabbit hole, and I began encountering a lot of criticisms of John Green and the things he’s said and done in the past. I did not like what I found.

John Green Himself

To be extremely blunt, the guy put such a bad taste in my mouth that it retroactively soured my opinion of The Fault in Our Stars even more. Since this is a post about my opinions on the book, I’m only going to be discussing things that affected my view at the time I read it. These are all things that happened six years ago, and I have no idea what this man has been up to or what he’s said about any of these topics since.

Let’s just get this out of the way… John Green writes the same book over and over. There’s always a quirky, nerdy white boy that is invariably cisgendered, and almost always straight. He is always an outcast with only a few friends, though apparently never directly bullied. He always meets an edgy girl that he falls in love with the idea of. Usually there is a road trip somewhere in there too.

The Fault in our Stars admittedly doesn’t follow the exact same framework, but it’s close enough in a lot of ways. Instead of the Quirky, Too-Smart-For-His-Own-Good cisboi being the PoV character, it’s the love interest (Hazel also fits this description, albeit a female version). Hazel and Augustus are both still outcasts. Hazel is attracted to Augustus because he’s Deep and Edgy and A Little Larger Than Life. The road trip is a flight to Amsterdam.

Looking at the man... Yeah the entire premise starts to come off as some weird self-insert fanfiction. I can feel the “I was a quirky, bullied teen and I wish this is how my high school life had been!” energy coming through absolutely every pore and every molecule of ink. Every character reads like John Green. John Green has written book after book and the main character always appears to be John Green in a slightly different teenage skinsuit.

And that’s fine, I guess. A little lazy, but I guess it’s working for him since he’s making hella bank? It’s certainly not enough to put me off the guy, just not something I’m interested in reading, and not something I find compelling.

What put me off for good were some of his comments. Dude skeeves me the fuck out. I’ll just go over some of the highlights I found at the time, and why they upset me so much when I heard them.

“Nerd girls are the world's most underutilized romantic resource.”

As a nerdy girl that has been stalked and harassed by men because I’m “good girlfriend material” (aka I like video games and traditionally masculine stuff and I’m pretty! I must be a unicorn!), this statement is disgusting.

I don’t care if it was a joke. I don’t care if he wasn’t being serious. This is the kind of shit that men think is a compliment because they think it makes “quirky” girls feel “unique” and “special”, but that “complement” is also an insult. You know why? Because it makes female interests all about how men perceive their sexual or romantic viability.

John Green’s penchant for writing “special” and “unique” girls (while simultaneously shaming “typical” girls, but I’ll get to that in the next point) and depicting them as the ideal woman just reaffirms my feelings about this quote. I think, on some level, John Green has no idea why this is such a bad take. And that’s not even getting into the fact that he called human beings resources. Women are not objects that exist to be a plot device or for your gratification. Fuck right off with that shit.

“She was incredibly hot, in that popular-girl-with-bleached-teeth-and-anorexia kind of way, which was Colin’s least favourite way of being hot”

This is just one quote of many that shames people with eating disorders and weight problems (on both ends of the spectrum, “too fat” and “too skinny”. Another fun one being: “there’s the weird culturally-constructed definition of hot, which means ‘that individual is malnourished, and has probably had plastic bags inserted into her breasts.’")

Know what this line is? It’s called “negging”, and it’s a popular tactic of incels because it works. You make someone seek your approval by intentionally giving them backhanded compliments to undermine their self esteem. The idea is that the more you insult them, the harder they’ll work to try and impress you. It doesn’t work on everyone, but you know who it does tend to work on? Insecure younger people (usually girls). You know who John Green’s target audience is? Insecure teenage girls.

As for the actual substance of the quote… I hate it. He’s shaming a woman for the choices she makes over her appearance. Which are, fun fact, none of his damn business. Also the idea that “skinny” and “anorexic” somehow need to go hand in hand is just wrong, insulting women for a mental health disorder they have no control over is offensive, and using a serious mental health disorder (did you know that anorexia is the most deadly mental health condition?) as an insult is disgusting.

Coming back to my earlier point about shaming “normal” girls, this quote is just the tip of the iceberg. He repeatedly shames women in his books for looking or behaving “typically”, while quirky girls are lauded as the ideal. Quirky girls are “weird and interesting” and normal girls are “boring”. If this was intended as a compliment, it’s a shitty one. If you have to shame one group to make another feel better, it is not a compliment. You are lowering all women when you pull that shit. You teach them that in order to feel good about themselves another group has to be made to feel worse.

And hey, maybe the pretty girl likes her teeth bleached because it makes her feel confident? Why can’t bleached teeth girl and anime t-shirt girl both be beautiful and unique and confident in their own right? Why is it “powerful” for anime t-shirt girl to wear her nerdy clothes, but scorn-worthy for bleached teeth girl to like bleaching her teeth?

What John Green is doing is simply replacing one ideal (skinny pretty girl) with another (quirky cute girl), and then he pretends like his version is somehow “woke” because it’s not based on physical appearance (though all of the women in his books are also physically attractive. Hmmm. Guess “nerd girls” are only “viable resources” when they aren’t hard to look at?).

And trust me, I’ve been down this path. I’ve been taken in by guys who try to make me feel ~special~ by putting down other women, and it leads to absolutely nothing good. It doesn’t make you feel better. It just makes you feel angry and resentful, and that’s not a place you want to be in. In fact, this was a mentality I had recently escaped from around the time I picked up this book. Seeing someone with as much influence as John Green parroting this specific brand of toxic shit to exactly the audience that would be most likely to feed into it? I was never going to be able to like the guy, sorry.

I know some people are able to “separate the art from the artist”, and I might have been willing to do that had the book actually been good… but it wasn’t. So in the end the book just looked worse for all of the author’s shortcomings.

So yeah, in summary: The book was mediocre at best, the author pushed all of my angry feminist buttons, and elements of the fanbase were annoying, condescending, and spiteful. I didn’t like the book in the first place due to the myriad of problems plaguing it, but everything else just made it look so much worse in hindsight.

Anyways, this probably got kind of ranty, but it was cathartic and I did make this blog to vent about dumb stuff. I think this qualifies.