#Maybe Adhd? i dont know
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Headcanons people!
#I headcanon her as:#Autistic#genderfluid#A lesbian#That her name is Evilin#Maybe Adhd? i dont know#that she reads fanfiction#A slytherin (and I headcanon snow as a Ravenclaw)#As actually cool and funny#As that she loves double meanings/references/hidden meanings/sarcastic things/things that have other/different meanings or just meanings#having a dark/twisted sence of humor#that she jokes about her destiny (even though she loves her destiny and is proud of it)#That her favorite colour is blue 🔵#That she has sensory issues (this one there is kind of proof of in canon)#that she has a SICK music taste#phonk/rock/ just great stuff and edit audios tho thats not all she listents to#that she loves the word WICKED#that she (literally) stole the rainbow#“the gays stole the rainbow” HECK YES WE DID#That she is in love with her rival#that she actually loves animals especially birds and dragons#eah#eah parents#eah headcanons#eah evil queen#the evil queen#teenage Evil queen#ever after high
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soap's whole deal being sniper and demolitions gets me going bc on the surface they sound so different but when you get into it, you realise it's bc soap's smart
sniping is all math; calculating distances and wind interference and bullet drop. something i think people overlook is he was listed as a sniper first so it can be implied that he's better at it than demolitions. he does more sniping in both campaigns than demolitions work; in capture or kill, ghost specifically calls on him to take down the aq snipers
and demolitions is math with a hit of chemistry; knowing what mixes with what, knowing how much to use, recognising environmental factors and adjusting accordingly. it's not just about the boom; so much work goes into contained/ planned explosions. especially when having enough power for a breacher charge and not bringing down the whole building is the difference between mission success and failure
the chemical bombs he makes in alone can't just be any old cleaners, they have to have the correct reaction to each other; he just knew off the top of his head what would mix with what to create what reaction. he would also potentially have to recognise them by sight/smell bc they would’ve been written in spanish
soap would also have to know architecture; recognising structural integrity and weak points so he knows exactly where to plant a charge to bring it down and how it'll come down
he has an incredible soldier's mind people just forget that bc he's sociable which itself is a skill
we know he tends to buck against orders he doesn't agree with like when he pushes back against ghost in capture or kill and shepherd when he tells them to release hassan
he gets closer to people and sees if he can trust them and that's when he follows them without question. really think about how he talks to alejandro and rudy; he asks about their home and alejandro's family and rudy's relationship with him. those aren't questions you ask a stranger after a few hours of knowing them. that's not even touching on his relationship with ghost
he also deliberately brings people of higher ranks down to his level; talking informally with ghost and giving him a shoulder punch, addressing alejandro (a colonel!!) by his first name and rudy by his nickname despite literally just meeting them. he personalises all of them and it’s in direct opposition to the reason most characters do that; it’s not due to insubordination or lack of respect, the more he respects and trusts someone, the more casual he is with them
he digs into people; he wants to know what makes them tick and that determines if he can one, trust them and two, follow their orders. once he decides that, he's the ultimate soldier; he bleeds loyalty which makes him vicious when that loyalty is taken for granted
he isn't naive or bubbly or insecure; he's an incredibly smart and aware soldier. he's aggressive and bloodthirsty and loyal and intuitive and i love him so much
#i cant believe i never posted the soap meta that got me twitter famous™️💅#as with damn near every piece of characterisation in this franchise soaps is only apparent in subtext and connecting tiny little dots#it is very easy to just pick up his surface personality and think thats all he is#but soaps not a sunshine character#hes not super friendly or bright#hes just willing to talk to people and hes paired up with ghost who never wants to start a conversation#every time i see soap presented as this bubbly airhead thats super sweet and just blows stuff up i lose a year off my life#and i dont blame people for getting this vibe from him but im begging you to look a lil deeper#this isnt getting into his anger or the fact that he is a soldier which automatically makes him a wee bit fucked up#like he is hyperviolent and takes joy in it#we all know ghosts snuff film joke but soaps the one who responds positively to it#he returns the joke and only calls him out on it when he says he wont watch it more than once and even then its teasing not grossed out#and if we take the ‘he tried to join the military at 16’ factoid from 09 as current canon then he very easily could have a rough home life#no one tries to repeatedly join the military early without having some kind of problems#soap knows his worth and his abilities you dont get to be as good and specialised as he is without being completely sure of yourself#we know ghost has an ego but soap constantly butts up against it with his own affirmations#‘you wanna be better than me johnny’ ‘maybe i already am/i will be’ ‘a little helps not so bad eh lt’#being a sniper makes me hate the ‘cant sit still’ hc hes literally an sas sniper he wouldnt be complaining after a few hours of overwatch#i like the adhd hc and maybe he fidgets in his day to day life but the second hes at work hes At Work#tldr soap could be just as complex a character as ghost if cod would stop treating their campaigns as an afterthought and actually commit#coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt#we’re a team. ghost team#talk meta to me#john soap mactavish#soap cod#cod mw2#soapghost#save post#call of duty modern warfare#cod meta
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Pokeymon
@ask-willowleafeon @ask-shiny-umbreon
#fuckkkk pokeask nostalgia got me by the throat. I can’t do this again Im not strong enough (does it anyway)#drawing eeveelutions is always fun Theyre so shaped. theyre up there on fav pokemon to draw right next to dratini. and maybe shinx#these two stick out to me in my mind just cause like. their designs are so good it kind of squishes my brain the right ways#I never got to draw Percy for an ask or anything but he is. very creature#and willow of course I have a soft spot for. shes so sweet and gentle uuhghhgghhhh I love her#fuck dude .maybe I will come back adhd be damned. I dont fuckin know. really tempting rn#I tell myself that but deep down I know I suck at roleplay. but maybe I’ll do it. but I suck at roleplay. etc#btw leafeon should be allowed to be autumn coloured without being shiny. it would fix me. I just want Some Guy dressed like a maple leaf#without the awe of being a 1/1000 chance. I don’t CAREEEEE gimme the crunchy red leaveeeesss#I also wanna draw Gardevoir with a barn owl face. and leafeon with seaweed leaves#aaahhhhggghhhhh clenches my fists#pokemon#pokemon ask blog#pokeask#others oc#ask-willowleafeon#ask-shiny-umbreon#Percy umbreon#willow leafeon#myart#my art#pokemon oc
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WOMEN 😩
oh ABSOLUTELY.
(based on this f!bones dedicated to @muirmarie in spirit :3333 🩵💙💛)
#star trek#star trek fanart#star trek tos#star trek the original series#fem!trek au#mcspirk#mcspirk fanart#mckirk#spones#mckirk fanart#spock#jim kirk#bones mccoy#leonard mccoy#leonard bones mccoy#let's go lesbians#ugh im eepy ..... if you see any errors in the notes app scribble no you dont (lie) (i did it as quickly as possible bc tired lol)#btw muir if you're reading this know that all of this is dedicated to you in my heart <333333333#uhhh in terms of context.... maybe a farm planet or something? with a western thing goin on?#look i have a desperate need to see 1. f!jim in nightie and 2. f!spock in sheriff apparel. and also lady bones in overalls obviously#ok night night now hope yalls day treats ya kindly !!!!!#fun fact the bones illustration has been sitting in my finished folder for MONTHS lol#love when adhd. but i was determined to give it the mcspirk bonus i intended and i did it yayyy
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you can make fun of felix for sounding dumb when he speaks, he does say some very funny and questionable, somewhat bizarre things at times, but there's a certain point where I am going to judge you for it a little bit <3
#he reminds me of my brother#are either of them particularly graceful in their use of the english language? no. Regardless.#god this is why i can never deal with smartie pants people on this website bc you'll be So omg i support everyone#im so progressive 😌 and then you'll just go and mock someone for struggling with words lmao#youre really not and i know you and your 'I was a gifted student' ass was probably nasty to the kids who had to get extra help at school#like laughing at foon or him saying does chicken have meat in it is legit fine- he has some great stoner lines for a sober guy#but when he uses a slightly awkward turn of phrase but you can still easily understand what he meant and yet youre calling him an idiot?#Uh. I will judge you for that :)#like maybe im sensitive after getting called dumb more than once by literal adults as a child- adults who missed my very obvious and#apparent dsylexia and adhd has made me sensitive but i dont care. some of you are just mean for the sake of being mean#felix might never see your posts but other people who relate to him in that way very well might
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... oh, that? that's just a fun picture book i get to change every month. i don't know what the bottom pages mean. anyway, i wish someone would invent a solution to this problem
#comic#art#doodles#life is paint#dat me#adhd#because im Sure this is an adhd problem#also i legitimately Dont know how to use the calendar in my phone dhjhjdhjfjhfb ive tried but its moonrunes to me#we got yearly planners in high school and it was actually very helpful for me. maybe i need another one 😭
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Nothing to see here, just two mad scientists in the same room
I kept my promise
#honkai impact 3rd#mobius honkai#honkai mobius#soul eater#dr. stein#mad duo#franken stein#whats with stein and snake woman#honestly I dont know if they would instantly be best friends or try to kill each other#maybe both#yea both#two moraly deranged individuals who wield way too much power for their own good#what are morals anyway#im so normal about them#come to think of it who would be more moraly wicked? equal?#nah mobi sweeps#the fact that mobi is also lighting type#and the fact that both of them have that one person who grounds their mad side and keeps their sanity#except one of them actually lost the other#ehem ehem (klein)#YOU CANNOT MAKE THIS UP#maybe I should draw elysia and spirit together next#anyway hope you like it it took me 20 minutes#thats all my undiagnosed adhd lets me to cook
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Okay so like. I still haven't managed to get myself to finish episode 9, so I don't fully know how Theo's glow up finishes, but regardless I fucking love relistening to Emizel's section of episode 1 and like. Fuck man Theo does a lot of growing. Like he's a little bit pathetic at the beginning of the series. He's so, so brave during the alleyway fight, but he sounds shaky and scared and like a sopping wet pathetic baby the entire time. Charlie specifically describes him as not very alert, not a great fighter, and gives him this little moment where it takes him a second to manage to crush a soda can. He botches the check to beat Emizel in Smash Bros so there's a chance he sucks at the related skills (dexterity and computers I think?), but also after he loses Charlie specifically has him sound super frustrated and conclude that he should've 'stayed in his lane'. When Emizel says 'We'll do what we do best,' and Theo immediately responds with 'drink soda?' so fast that the other players notice it. Charlie might've had that as a predetermined character thing. Theo drinks soda. There's not much else to him.
Which creates this interesting dynamic between him and Emizel, because Emizel is so much better at him at all of these skills that the people around them (a FUCKING GANG) value. Emizel's perceptive, and agile, and strong, and a great fucking fighter irl and in videogames AND he always sounds badass. He's the top dog, the apex predator in their social circle. And I think that colors their relationship a lot? Like Theo has to look up to Emizel. I bet that Theo's looked up to Emizel since they first met, maybe Emizel came crashing into his life doing something epic and Theo thought it was the greatest shit ever.
On the flip side, I was getting a few hints of resentment? Hear me out! It's that 'should have just stayed in my lane' line. He's painfully aware how great Emizel is, compared to how much he's (from his perspective!) just a one trick pony. He's here to drink soda and say funny things, that's all most people want from him and he fucks up whenever he tries to do anything else!
And later in the segment Theo snarkily brings up a medicine check that Emizel had just fucked up in like this super backhanded, super passive aggressive way. That could be him wanting to rub Emizel's one singular fuck up in his face (especially because Theo was having a Moment about how he feels like people only see him as the soda guy, so any feelings of inadequacy would've been dialed up to eleven, so if there was any time for him to resent Emizel it'd be then), but it could also be that he was frustrated with Emizel being an ass (Emizel had just guessed that Theo's dream was to be a nurse, which was flat out wrong, and that's literally what set up the backhanded comment. Theo was saying something like 'thank fuck you don't wanna be a nurse cuz you sure fucked up with nursing that guy earlier.' It could also be that Emizel literally almost forgot Theo's name. Theo literally gave him the 'th' sound, it might've just been a bit Charlie was doing or it could've been Theo being AWARE that Emizel almost forgot his name. Or! It could be that in this moment, where Theo was confiding in Emizel about feeling like being the soda guy was all anyone ever saw in him, Emizel said something to the affect of 'well yeah Soda's the fun one.' Emizel doesn't think before he speaks and literally has a 1 in empathy. Just because he loves Theo doesn't mean he's not gonna blunder into being a complete and utter asshole to him. I'd hazard to say Emizel accidentally being an ass to people he cares about is a running theme).
But also all of that might come down to Charlie still getting the character down. Or, because I've theorized before that Theo might not've been supposed to survive the first Gabriel fight, the little hints of bitterness might've been intentional (even if they were completely improvved and Charlie didn't mean to add that to Theo's character) because Charlie was trying to shove as much character into this character before he was gone, but once it became clear that Theo was going to stick around longer he dropped it. As far as I remember, that bitterness is completely gone in all later interactions we see with Theo. OR! It could be that the bitterness drops because they've both got bigger fish to fry from that point onward, what with Theo's Shilo Incident TM, Emizel's vampirism, the Weylin twins. He doesn't have time to be bitter, he's too busy worrying about losing a cornerstone of his identity or helping his best friend adjust to being a fucking vampire now. And then after he learns to live without soda that basically negates his feelings of inadequacy- like, getting over the idea that he's nothing if he's not the soda guy would be required for him to give up on being the soda guy. And then Emizel would drift back into JUST being a guy to aspire to instead of also being a reminder of Theo's short comings, and then drift even further down into being 'guy who is actually going through it and has to overcome his own demons just like I had to overcome mine'. Like, I think we got to watch Theo slowly start to take Emizel off this pedestal in real time (he still definitely thinks Emizel's hot shit tho. Emizel's his boy, after all.)
Regardless, even if Theo did resent Emizel a little in the beginning, it's so fucking clearly overshadowed by how much he fucking loved him. And like, how could he not? Imagine you're Theo, critically low self esteem, and the literal coolest guy you know fucking LOVES you. Like, Emizel keeps consistently going out of his way to pull Theo up to his level and to treat him as an equal (mostly. Sometimes protectiveness bleeds through, like in his hypothetical fang scenario in ep 1 where he predicts there being five Fangs to fight and he says he can take three and Theo can take two (which in itself is still incredibly kind to Theo. Like, boy, you thought Theo was gonna be able to take out two whole guys? Hell no.) But that could also be chalked up to Emizel just being a cocky ass who wants to show off). Like dude, c'mon. Emizel might be a reminder of everything that Theo's not, but he's also probably Theo's biggest cheerleader. He wholeheartedly thought he was being supportive when he said he thought Theo'd make a great nurse! In all seriousness, though, even if it ultimately discourages him, Theo playing that Smash game against Emizel was at least a little bit of proof of him decidedly not 'staying in his lane,' and Emizel seems to inspire that! Later in that segment he challenges Theo to see which of them can break one of the Fangs kneecaps first! I bet Emizel challenged him to stupid competitions a lot, and that got Theo fired up and competitive in return!
And even when Emizel's not building Theo up, he's still giving Theo special attention, or readily receiving any attention Theo gives him. If nothing else, even at his lowest points that might've made Theo feel cool by association.
On Emizel's part, I think he's like, possibly completely oblivious to any turmoil Theo's going through? Like he thinks Theo's the shit and genuinely sees him as an equal. I'm 99% sure that Theo being his right hand man happened because Theo would've put himself into the role (in episode one before he gets all of his character development he's pretty much always looking to Emizel for what to do, and still more or less does whatever he says up to where I'm at in the series, with refusing to leave the alleyway being the only exception I remember). I think if Theo'd had higher self esteem or been less eager to defer to Emizel, Emizel would've happily gone about his business slotting Theo into more of a partner role. He tells Theo to run from that alleyway because Theo'd taken a fucking devastating hit and Emizel was sure he could handle himself, not because he knows Theo sucks at fighting. He tries to turn Theo into a cool vampire. He convinces Shilo that Theo'll be a valuable asset to raiding the Weylin warehouse and they take Theo with them instead of having him stay behind with the car like Grefgore, despite Theo being the one who actually knows how to drive. He tells Theo about being a vampire even though he keeps it a secret from everyone else, confides in Theo that 'yeah he might absolutely be susceptible to going into a frenzy like Shilo did.'
When you get down to it, Emizel pretty much tells Theo everything he would think is relevant, with two notable exceptions. Maybe three if you count him not telling Theo he has nine lives like a cat but tbh I think he might've just forgot. Or maybe he gets to it later, or maybe he did tell him and I forgot! idk man! But! Those other two things. First off, he like. Pointedly does not tell Theo that he's a prince. Like when they were doing the recap on the way to the Weylin warehouse, there's like. Charlie gives Condi an opening to say it, a little 'is there anything else?' and Emizel just. Doesn't. And the second one is that (at least where I'm at) Emizel never comes clean about bloodbonding Theo. Maybe it just hasn't come up yet, but still. It fits a pattern of Emizel not wanting to admit something that makes him, like, ABOVE Theo somehow. He sees Theo as an equal, and a precious one at that, he doesn't want things to get weird between them because he's literal royalty, and he doesn't want Theo's life to literally revolve around him like it would under a level three blood bond- and doesn't want to admit that he even considered it, even if he did it without really understanding what it was.
And Emizel backing off from ghoulifying Theo after Arthur explains what it actually entails kinda leads into a far more headcanon-y relationship analysis thing so um. Feel free to skip the next paragraph.
So! Like. Why the fuck was Emizel so attached to Theo being Soda. Like he gets over it decently quick, cuz that's his buddy and it's what Theo wants, so like. Whatever. But like, if I'm right about Theo always looking up to Emizel from the moment they met, there might've been some wiggle room between when they first became friends and when Theo became Soda. And like, before Theo became Soda, being Emizel's buddy would probably be the only thing he'd feel he had going for him? Which would've made it even harder for Emizel to get them both on equal footing, and I think that's just... really unappealing to him. Like! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure Emizel loves having people kiss up to him and respect him and blah blah blah, I just think Theo being his boy and Emizel treating him like a partner go hand in hand. Either they weren't best friends yet or Emizel was just. Kind of uncomfortable and eager to push Theo into growing into something more than a hypeman. And then the soda incident occurs, and it gives Theo SOMETHING to define himself by, something people like him and know him for that's got nothing to do with Emizel, and maybe the initial soda incident was bad, but having that sense of identity and falling into what kind've feels like a class clown kinda role might've helped get Theo over his self esteem issues long enough for Emizel to go 'oh you're actually super cool. sweet.' and then blah blah blah they get super close like they are in canon. And then whenever Theo seems like he's backsliding into what he was before the soda incident, Emizel tries to course correct not because he doesn't think Theo's any fun without soda, but because he's made the mental connection that Soda without soda turns into less of a best friend and more of a follower, which as stated before he probably really doesn't want from Theo specifically. but idk. pure conjecture here.
Anyways, above all else, Theo's important to Emizel. I really, really like the idea that Theo was supposed to be like a brother to him (which. Again pointing at my 'Theo was supposed to die in episode 1' theory, can you IMAGINE the angst Emizel could've had about that? Lose one brother and then someone else claiming to be your brother shows up? It would've felt like some hellish, not-worth-it trade. Like a betrayal, like accepting Shilo might mean replacing Theo, and how could he ever?)
And Emizel's important to Theo! But unlike Emizel (who I'm 99% sure is gonna have some kinda moment with Theo but I genuinely cannot see him loving Theo in any other way than the way he does now), Theo has the bonus of having his view of Emizel have a clear trajectory to evolve over the course of the campaign. Like I said, he seems to be getting more confidence in himself and like, not gonna get into the stuff I've had spoiled beyond episode 9 but it seems like Theo's gonna get a lot more comfortable being a proper leader and not just a number two. He's gonna have an easier time seeing Emizel as an equal, and I think that's fucking awesome!
I could be completely off base, but if I never watch another episode then I'll never be proven wrong. So. Ya know.
#jrwi the suckening#emizel tucker#jrwi emizel tucker#jrwi soda#jrwi theo collins#theo collins#suckening thoughts#fizzfangs#jrwi the suckening spoilers#I also personally headcanon that Theo might've been like the first person to think Emizel was cool. Like. okay hang on.#I think Emizel didnt get a lot of attention growing up and learned to act out to get peoples eyes on him. Which fixed the first issue but#created a new one where all attention he got was negative attention#and then younger Theo who still feels painfully mediocre (in a way that TOTALLY wouldnt tie into him being neurodivergent adhd in canon)#and Theos getting negative attention without even trying. maybe its because his grades suck. Maybe he gets distracted or fidgety and gets#detention from being disruptive or for being accidentally disrespectful and Emizels also in detention because he blew up all the school#toilets and flooded the building. and more importantly Emizel is EMBRACING the negative attention that Theo cant seem to avoid#And it makes Emizel seem really fucking cool and Theo thinks hes really fucking epic and starts following him around and hyping him up#and then its genuinely the most positive attention Emizels ever gotten and he fucking eats it up. it pushes him to show off and go bigger#and it also gets Theo a very very special place in Emizel's heart. its just that Theo being kinda mediocre makes it really hard to hype#him up back the same way. Except- ya know- Theo fucking loves soda so Emizel can insta-win at positive social interaction if he keeps soda#on him#its like one of those kids who give out candy because they dont know how to make friends#Emizel give Theo soda because he genuinely doesn't have a frame of reference for a wholey positive relationship yet#and then whatever the soda incident is kinda just solidifies it. He's his boy Soda! Soda's his thing! Emizel loves him so much!#idk man this is all headcanon territory im just going insane am i even making sense rn#goddammit this might age like milk i have GOT to finish the suckening so i can brainrot properly
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as we approach the start of a new semester i'm sending all the compassion and empathy in the world to students who struggle with procrastination and what I affectionately like to call the Shame Monster that goes along with it. it sucks to always be treading water and feeling like a fraud to yourself and others, especially when it's something you truly care about. if you're always thinking "why can everyone else be responsible and organized but not me," your brain is overgeneralizing. you're not the only person to experience being overwhelmed and stuck. and even IF everyone else balanced their life perfectly, that wouldn't make you a bad person for struggling. if you care about something but keep avoiding it and don't understand why, there is probably more going than you realize. if your physical and mental health are being neglected, then you're never going to be able to accomplish what you want to do because you don't have any gas in the tank. it took me crashing and failing last semester for me to finally admit to myself that i was suffering from some SERIOUS burnout. i had this whole plan for research i was going to do over the summer and all these opportunities i wanted to take advantage of that i couldn't do because i was neglecting to take care of myself. the worst thing my anxious brain told me could ever happen did happen and i'm still alive. i hope that doesn't happen to you, but know you can recover and come back better. also: it's okay to stop wanting what you thought you wanted, or to take a different path than the one you were "supposed" to. don't do things because you think other people expect you to, or because you think it's too late to change your mind. that isn't sustainable. your college experience is for YOU, not for other people. you can do this!
#these are things that have been said before and im sure other students have figured it out earlier than me#but as i go into my senior year this is the advice i would have given myself four years ago and the stuff im still trying to remember#so maybe it will help someone else :)#*me remembering how i flamed out 3 months ago* girl its FINE YOURE FINE#this was not my hot scholar summer. but it was my ''treat your depression and stop wanting to kill yourself'' summer so i consider it a win#still have makeup work to finish. i'll get there#also i hope this doesn't sound preachy#i have a significant amount of privilege as a student#i dont go to a prestigious uni but i have a full scholarship so i get to study want i want and not worry about loans (<- american)#i have professors who have been flexible with me and supportive family#i know other students have individual economic social familial etc. pressures that complicate what i said above#im finally trying to work with my brain as it is and get out of the AWFUL procrastinate->overcompensate cycle that i've been in for 3 yrs#i dont have adhd afaik but i find posts about executive function struggles EXTREMELY relatable in a way that is probably connected#to my anxious depressive brain#you can ignore my essay this is basically a therapeutic exercise lmao
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Is there a 300 page essay about Murderbot's armor (specifically the opaque helmet) as a not-so-subtle metaphor for masking in a clearly neurodivergent character already? Because I need it.
The way Murderbot is unvoluntarily without its opaque armor in All System Red in front of the crew (i.e. unmasking) and appears surprised at its own strong facial expressions and other people's reaction to it? The vulnerability that comes with that and how Murderbot spends pretty much the rest of the book wearing or actively missing its armor which keeps it safe from the mortifying ordeal of being known (yet sometimes other characters suggest it might help for it to not opacify the helmet in order for others to see it as a person and to trust it (and in the end idk if it would have achieved the rewards of being loved by its humans and have had its needs met if it hadn't unmasked in this relatively safe environment sometimes)).
Also there's the whole avoiding-looking-directly-at-people-and-using-drones-instead thing which Murderbot usually hides using the opaque helmet, but whenever it doesn't have that people notice it and many react negatively/confused. I think that's a whole neurodivergent-applicable situation in and of itself? Like damn
And then Mensah encourages Murderbot not to wear armor on Preservation station since it would not need it there, Murderbot is hesitant but ends up not wearing any (like 4 books later when we finally get to that bridge) (going for the comfortable clothes it chose for itself instead, with very strong feelings about the whole being able to make choices thing that I cannot go into further at this point because I would absolutely end up BITING SOMETHING OR SOMEONE).
And I'm not going to advocate for unmasking all the time in any setting because hell no, sometimes it absolutely sucks and people are irritated by Murderbot's now visible quirks and are afraid of what they don't know, but many GET TO KNOW Murderbot better and because there are other people that make sure Murderbot is safe and respected and are willing to get people fired for it if they disrespect it (Pin-Lee my beloved) Murderbot can experiment with this situation without being exiled to some abonded part of a planet and other people are forced to spend enough time around ot to learn to respect it and even like it. I just....... It must be so scary and Murderbot is handling so much at once and in this essay I will
PS sorry this is a disorganized mess but so am I and I have so many Thoughts and even more Emotions and so little patience.
#murderbot#the murderbot diaries#all systems red#murderbot diaries#𓄿#i sincerely hope this post isn't insensitive because i feel like the autism vibes are strong with murderbot and i am not diagnosed with tha#but i have adhd and a fun mix of anxiety and depression#and i've been deepdiving into autism research to help get one of my closest friends diagnosed (not possible at the moment)#and i relate so strongly in many ways and i dont know if its just that adhd and autism can overlap heavily#or my personal cocktail of adhd anxiety depression etc#or if i am on the spectrum somewhere myself#in any case i feel very strong solidarity and i hope i am not overstepping#but the main point here is the masking and that is DEFINITELY something ive been struggling with a lot recently#hence the strong emotions lol#i dont like to unmask. it sucks. but it can be so worth it.#and i am practicing and learning and trying my best#i feel like this fun sideblog for my scifi hyperfixations is quickly turning into a mess of therapy ramblings for myself#maybe thats because i love these books particularly BECAUSE i relate so strongly to these characters#in ways that are not NormalTM. and surprising for me#and ways that really help me figure out who i am and why dealing sith other people is so difficult for me#welp nevermind#all hail murderbot i guess
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After four years of lasser focus and obsession. I wake up and lost the feeling for Mello and Near. It happened all because I saw the other perspective, the possibility that Mello actually have a strong repulsion towards Near. After reading a part of the la BB murder cases light novel, where Mello says "I am the world's runner up, the best dresser, that died like a dog." It made me think a lot and come up with conclusion that his feelings towards near, from the hatred and admiration, obsession and all that what I already knew, is actually a deep pathological repulsion. As he saved Near's life, and literally sacrificed himself as Halle saw it, it seems that in the end, Mello did it for his deepest urges, his feelings of not being able to live with himself afterwards if Near win, instead of actually caring about Near as a person. It hit me. And it changed my mind. I saw.. no logic behind my theory that Mello is absolutely in love with Near but in denial.. because if the last thing he could say was his fascination about BB and talking about L and winning without one small hint about Near, it seems like Mello absolutely doesn't stand a chance to have any kind of attraction towards him.
The shit is- I am personally connected with these two and many songs, stories, man.. my whole life was lasser focused on them.. as a person who is seemingly phlegmatic and not giving shit about anything. Connecting with nothing, this was like the one and only emotional part of my being and very very intense. If I lose that, shit, what I'll have.
But I am in such shit right now I can't go over something that kind of doesn't make sense to me.. can't get over it so easily. If someone like... Proves me.. tells me.. if I read some old messages or my writings about them.. listen to some music.. Maybe I'll come up with it again..
But shit. Suddenly I have no motivation to do that.. like. At all. But now since that was my primary focus. Man I don't know what to do with myself
#i am absolutely drastic#i don't know what to do#meronia#help me#if someone could just give me their analysis...#to see if it makes sense to me...#shit wtf is going on with me#i suspect if this is any related to adhd or something.. could it just like- vanish? ans then what's next? depression?#what the fuck#i dont know what i feel#what to do#everything seems wrong to me right now. like literally everything#maybe i can sleep this over.. but it never helps.. man i'll find a way
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Sitting here wishing my ADHD was more severe just so people could realise I actually have a problem-
#adhd#probably adhd#undiagnosed neurodivergent#undiagnosed adhd#stuff like this makes me doubt if i have adhd at all#i tried to explain how when i was doing my gcse preparations i would take a day to do an essay#“oh it takes us a whole week”#NO THATS NOT WHAT I MEAN#I HAD A WEEK TO DO IT BUT I LEFT IT TO THE LAST DAY#ON THE LAST DAY I COULDNT PROCESS THE QUESTION#I KNEW WHAT IT WANTED. I KNEW WHAT I SHOULD WRITE. BUT I ALSO DIDNT#i love english. both language and literature#but it would take me hours to even work out what i was supposed to write unless it was under timed exam conditions#when it was timed the panic would put me into hyperdrive#but i only realised last night that maybe taking a full day to work out what to write on a simple essay might not be normal#but then people point out that this kinda thing is normal and i just. dont know.#do i have adhd or am i just giving myself excuses for being slow#or do i expect others to be so much faster and see myself as slow in comparison#im so sure i have adhd but i dont know either
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me as a kid: i have all these problems
every adult around me: you're not old enough to know what's wrong with you, you're fine
me as an adult: i still have all these problems
my doctors after i finally got the opportunity to choose them myself: oh my fucking god why have you never gotten help for all these problems. you should have seen me 10 years ago
#problems i have finally gotten help for that i was told i was not old enough to know about:#AMPS (was told it was anxiety and then when i kept coming back they said it was fibro Quite Literally just to get me to shut up)#(like the doc i just saw literally said 'they diagnose fibromyalgia here when they dont know what the problem is but dont feel like testing)#multiple food allergies (was also told the stomach pain and vomiting was anxiety)#seborrheic dermatitis (i was told 'youre just stressed thats why you have a rash')#(which- if im so stressed my skin is literally dying MAYBE I STILL NEED HELP?????????)#autism and adhd (my father knew! but refused to get me assessed bc if i dont have a diagnosis theres no problem right :)#anxiety disorder (oh so when I'm in pain i DO have anxiety but when i say i have anxiety I'm overreacting okay)#dyscalculia and possibly dyslexia ('you just need to try harder' I've asked for a tutor five times)#some of my doctors don't actually believe me about some of these problems BECAUSE i have no records from when i was a kid#they're like 'it just popped up at 18? seems suspicious......' like I WASN'T ALLOWED TO GO TO THE DOCTOR'S UNTIL THEN#there's definitely more but I'm still mad abt it#i might not be in a wheelchair Almost All The Time if i had gotten help BEFORE i lost half the feeling in my legs#i KNEW the fibro was a BS diagnosis#i tried to get assessed for autism at 16 and was told i have schizotypal personality disorder instead with literally zero testing#like my psych just refused to allow me to get tested for autism she was like 'no you have spd i Just Know'#same psych that said there was zero way i had anything like DID because my symptoms didn't present Exactly like the Only other#patient at the clinic with DID. i want to note that that was a 14 year old boy still being actively abused#and i was a 20 year old who was in a safe environment and had distanced myself from my abusers and stressors
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Tell me about I'm not incompetent (but damn, you make me feel that way) BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT REFERENCE
oooh yay! I'm not incompetent (but damn, you make me feel that way) is a fantasy high fic centering adaine and kristen junior year as they struggle with adhd. it's mostly a (VERY) self-indulgent fic about how neurodivergence is such a, well, diverse experience, even for people with the same neurological disorder/difference, and coming to terms with the fact that everyone's brains work differently, and that that should be a source of pride and joy rather than shame.
I'm pretty sure part of this also entails I provide an excerpt? so here you go-
"Yeah, but -- I mean, Aelwyn did it!" Adaine exclaimed.
Ah, Kristen thought. There it is. "I don't think those are exactly the same set of circumstances," she said, wishing she could find the right thing to say because so far it seemed she hadn't said it.
"You're right!" Adaine burst out. "Hers were harder! My sister managed to keep her grades absolutely perfect while helping an evil being rise to power while running a lucrative drug-dealing business while going to parties where she did said dealing to her classmates, and I never knew she was stressed, and neither did our parents. She managed it! And you're all managing it! And I'm…" Adaine slumped on the edge of the bed and buried her face in her hands as though doing so would make her shame go away. "Why am I not managing it?" she asked quietly, her voice cracking. "I have it easier than most of you, and I'm not managing it at all."
"Adaine…" Kristen said down on the bed next to her. "I'm not managing it. And I don't think Aelwyn was either."
#anyways thanks for the ask and thanks for knowing PEGGY#kristen applebees#adaine abernant#fantasy high junior year#dimension 20#aelwyn abernant#and to those of you who are gonna get mad that i gave adaine adhd#(for whatever reasons you might have)#there's a very simple solution: ignore this#people have GOT to get better at saying “I don't like that so I won't interact with it”#rather than “I dont like that so I will make my dislike everyone's problem”#its fanfic#it's inherently self-indulgent#my form of self-indulgence is projecting onto my favorite characters#and if you've been around for the past few months#you know I love adaine#so I gave her adhd in this fic#maybe in another I won't#I dont know#it's fanfic#it's whatever I want it to be#dont like it? I dont care#but if you're gonna be pissy about it please fuck off
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me when i make a come back once a month with a small blurb/scenario for price or simon and then disappear again
#my writing abilities/drive disappear#maybe its my adhd or depression i dont know#maybe i need to force myself to read again for like 3 weeks straight to feel inspired#and then that will kickstart my writing hyperfixation again
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Another pixel art of Spamton
Updates on IELTS: overall I got a 7.5 out of 9 (got a 9 for reading, very proud of it hehe), and even though my initial reaction was "I'm a fucking failure", apparently (according to my dad), it is a pretty impressive score, given the fact that I wasn't really preparing for the test and instead spent all of my time shaking in fear (very productive indeed). My next task is to apply to the university I've chosen and... well, hope for the best :)
Btw, on the day of the test we had snow in Latvia, very convenient (no it's not, I fucking hate cold weather). But it was very interesting to see flowers covered in frost and snow.
#spamton#spamton g spamton#spamton deltarune#deltarune#my art#digital art#pixel art#aseprite#I was thinking about painting something with oils#but i cant convince myself to start doing anything#im also suspecting i might have adhd and maybe i should get a proper evaluation or smth cuz i dont fucking know#idk what else to say
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