After four years of lasser focus and obsession. I wake up and lost the feeling for Mello and Near. It happened all because I saw the other perspective, the possibility that Mello actually have a strong repulsion towards Near. After reading a part of the la BB murder cases light novel, where Mello says "I am the world's runner up, the best dresser, that died like a dog." It made me think a lot and come up with conclusion that his feelings towards near, from the hatred and admiration, obsession and all that what I already knew, is actually a deep pathological repulsion. As he saved Near's life, and literally sacrificed himself as Halle saw it, it seems that in the end, Mello did it for his deepest urges, his feelings of not being able to live with himself afterwards if Near win, instead of actually caring about Near as a person. It hit me. And it changed my mind. I saw.. no logic behind my theory that Mello is absolutely in love with Near but in denial.. because if the last thing he could say was his fascination about BB and talking about L and winning without one small hint about Near, it seems like Mello absolutely doesn't stand a chance to have any kind of attraction towards him.
The shit is- I am personally connected with these two and many songs, stories, man.. my whole life was lasser focused on them.. as a person who is seemingly phlegmatic and not giving shit about anything. Connecting with nothing, this was like the one and only emotional part of my being and very very intense. If I lose that, shit, what I'll have.
But I am in such shit right now I can't go over something that kind of doesn't make sense to me.. can't get over it so easily. If someone like... Proves me.. tells me.. if I read some old messages or my writings about them.. listen to some music.. Maybe I'll come up with it again..
But shit. Suddenly I have no motivation to do that.. like. At all. But now since that was my primary focus. Man I don't know what to do with myself
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It's a quiet evening, they're winding down after a long, exhausting day of work, just enjoying each other's company. They're on the couch, a cheesy romcom playing on the TV, Tommy's head in Buck's lap, Buck's fingers playing with Tommy's soft curls.
He's watching Tommy more than the movie. He observes his reactions, the soft smiles, the small chuckles, the eye rolls and scoffs - depending on what's happening on the screen. He's so beautiful and Buck wants to stare at him forever. And he gets to.
He beams, as he glances at his hand, still in Tommy's hair, where a simple silver band sits right on his ring finger, an exact match to the one on Tommy's hand, now casually resting on his stomach. Well, almost an exact match, the inscription on the inside just a little bit different - they both say their wedding date and the word 'forever' but they also have each other's names inscribed. Buck likes to take if off sometimes and just look at the words, trace his fingertip over Tommy's name, still amazed that this is his life, even after over a year of being married already.
So he observes his husband, eyes scanning all over, while Tommy's completely immersed in the movie, the romantic dork - Buck loves that he's the only one who truly gets to see this side of him. He's so cute and gorgeous, and Buck loves him so much and just can't take his eyes off him.
That's when he notices it, and a gasp breaks out of him. He can feel a huge grin pulling at his face.
"What's wrong?" Tommy immediately looks at him, a small concerned frown creasing his forehead. When he notices Buck smiling, worry turns into pure confusion. "Evan?"
"Baby." Buck says seriously, his fingers gripping a strand of Tommy's hair, as he announces happily, "You have your first gray hair." He's looking right at it, just a tiny, barely noticeable, silvery hair. It's there, and it looks beautiful, and Buck already kind of can't wait to see his husband get more of them.
"Okay?" Tommy's frown deepens, this time with amusement. "So?"
"So-" Buck starts, then shakes his head. It's stupid, it's just a hair, no big deal, everyone gets them eventually, it's nothing special. But in a way, it is. Because when they met a few years ago Tommy didn't have gray hair. Because in their line of work, and with their luck, with Buck's luck, seeing yourself or a person you love grow old is not always a given - and it's such a blessing. This, seeing a gray hair in Tommy's hair, combined with wrinkles starting to form on his beautiful face - it's an amazing sight. They're sharing a life together, growing older together, they're able to see each other go through all these changes, step by step, day by day, seemingly unnoticeable unless you pay particular attention. It makes Buck feel so grateful for this life he has, for his husband, for getting this chance. "Nothing," he says, fingers resuming combing through Tommy's thick curls, eyes still drawn to that lone gray hair. "I just love you."
"I love you, too, Evan." Tommy smiles that crinkly smile that makes the lines around his eyes even more pronounced. Buck has to lean down and kiss his lips, then the corner of his eye, making Tommy laugh. "What's that have anything to do with my gray hair?"
"I just really like the thought of getting to grow old with you. Of spending my life with you." Buck whispers, and sees Tommy's smile melt into that soft 'Evan' smile, reserved just for him.
"And you say I'm sappy," he responds teasingly, and Buck laughs. Oh, he loves Tommy so much. He looks into Tommy's eyes and sees everything he was just thinking about. He sees how Tommy wants the same things, how he appreciate those reminders, like a silly gray hair, of getting to go through life together.
He kind of can't wait to start going gray, too. To grow old with his husband.
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and now for the Persephone update!
We were doing her work up that needed to be done prior to her Purdue appointment. Took the radiographs and Hey! What the fuck is that!? Sent them to a radiologist who said it’s chronic pulmonary effusion.
Now you may be wondering, how long has that been there? I don’t know. What’s causing it? I don’t know. Why isn’t she showing any symptoms? I don’t know. Will it worsen? I don’t know. Will it eventually start to negatively effect her? I don’t know. Will it change the treatment of her thyroid tumors going forward? This answer may surprise you: I don’t know.
For now I’m going to proceed with taking her to her initial Purdue visit and see what they say about the thyroid tumors. I’m worried they won’t be willing to do anything without doing a work up for her pulmonary effusion. And I’d love to pretend I’m the richest person in the world but I’m just not.
As always, I will keep you guys updated. But as of right now we’re proceeding with her Purdue visit on the 30th as normal.
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