#MY SLEEP. DID NOT. FUCKING. IMPROVE.
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the next fucking person to tell me i need to spend less time in front of screens if i wanna sleep better is going to get fucking punched i stg
#blue personal ramblings#vent post#insomnia#sleeping disorders#I SPENT!! ALMOST A YEAR!!!! AVERAING ONE (1) HOUR!!! OF SCREENTIME A DAY!!!#AND GUESS. FUCKING. WHAT.#MY SLEEP. DID NOT. FUCKING. IMPROVE.#SHUT UP ABOUT SCREENTIME. SHUT UP.
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it must get boring as hell doing continuous repetitive genos like dust does. he probably constantly questions how his human can keep on going and like not get bored (me too tho ngl because what type of person is out there that's trying to minmax every single undertale geno route interaction???) so i say he changes things up during his own process for a variety of reasons
sometimes when he's feeling REALLY apathetic he might just view everyone as stats and precoded scripts and lines and he just goes about the geno as if he was a player playing a video game (this is incredibly hypocritical because he's acting like the player but also this is dust sans we're talking about. pinnacle of hypocrisy. he'd deny any sort of human like actions because he's not the human and what he's doing is for the greater good). also its kinda fucked because it just means that there's been so many resets that he doesn't view his friends and family as simply people that he's taking the lives of but more as just npcs and numbers. but yk of course he moves on from that episode (and refuses to acknowledge the fact that he was acting very much so like the human. nope nope nope)
or maybe whenever he feels really really really shitty about himself he just lets the human kill him sometimes. he purposely interacts with other monsters before he kills them so he has to hear them beg for mercy. he just lets himself wallow in as much guilt and pain and misery as possible because its really really addicting to be sad and upset and feel bad. and dust is never like "hey i should stop doing this because its getting in the way of be killing the human" because he knows damn well it ISNT. he's still gonna be on that him vs. human grind no matter what even if he spends a few resets fucking around and being miserable and the humans always gonna reset anyways. ALWAYS
even if he's not at lvl 20 or something but still above the human in lv then maybe he'd kill them. but then that also means that there'd still be some monsters left because he nor the human maxed out their stats. so then that's just more suffering for dust (because i really think he'd like to make himself suffer because he feels so much guilt for what he did. his suffering is self inflicted and he knows that and still does it. good for him) because he has to walk around the underground knowing that there are some people hiding in corner or something watching him and scared that he's gonna kill them because thats what he did to everyone else. some nicer monsters might go up to him and try to talk to him but dust doesn't have the chill welcoming friendly vibe sans does anymore so it's just creepy and awkward. angrier monsters might try and yell or fight him and dust just sits there and takes it because theyr totally right. to them it might just look like he killed monsters just for shits and giggles one day and theres no way for him to explain the resets without people just forgetting it in the first place so theres not much he can do except accept the suffering. what in the mental masochism
#i'm in love with dust sans did i mention this. did i forget to tell you. well im telling you now#I LOVS DUST!!!! I LOVE YOH DUST SANS I LOVE YIU!!!! I LOVE HIM!!!!!!! he's soooo fucking awesomerahhhhggggg......#so real so real so real so real he's so me he's so me#dust deciding to stay in misery because being sad and upset is easier than having to put in effort to improve is so fucking real GOD#literally every post on my followed tags tab is all killer. all killer. all colorkiller. everything is killer#where the HELL is the dust content. horror content??? i am getting upset here where are the dust and horror posters#if nobody's gonna do it I WILL. i'm the hero that i need. the hero that nobody fucking wanted at all#listen i strive for an equal amount of mtt content if theyre not equal it makes me sad. so i will be the equalizer#horror post also upcoming soon be ready for that drop#i've been playing hi3 so much lately ehehehe. :3. i am in love with the story#god i love fandoms so much..... i love utmv i love hi3 i love uhhh im not in any others but GOD i love making cool content and creativity#dusttale human HAS to have the absolute most undertale brainrot for the game to fucking break and for sans to go rouge#HOW MANY GENOCIDE RUNS IS ENOUGH BEFORE YOU GIVE UP DUDE. CMON MAN YOURE HURTING DUST SANS HERE!!!!!#dust sans#murder time trio#bad sans gang#bad sanses#nightmare's gang#utmv#sans au#tricule rant#it's 3 am someone save my sleep schedule please please please#i ended up going to sleep at 5 am. kill me now. average murder time trio sleep time (they would have terrible sleep schedules)
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crazy how if you google “how many job applications per week” (which you probably shouldn’t google anyway) you get one result saying doing 2-3 a day is good, one result saying doing 5-10 a day is good, and one result saying doing 11-20 a day is good. So basically, do whatever the hell you want forever
#my thing is. HOW many of these jobs are real. HOW many of these places are actually hiring#one of the 2 i did today made you answer like 15 different questions about whether you’ve ever been late for work. ummmm.no#my plan is to apply at least 20 jobs over the next ummm week or two or so#and keep in mind these are all like nothingburger minimum wage retail jobs designed for stupid individuals such as myself#and if NONE of these places want me then i will know that the job market right now is probably bad for realsies#and so between like september 14-21 i will know if i should be looking for a place to stay for october#or looking for a plane ticket back so i don’t waste money chasing something that won’t happen#and IF it’s option B then i will make my brother hire me at dunkin for a few months until a) the job market improves#or b) i have enough money saved up that i could convince some landlord to rent to me while unemployed#because my thing about the money is like. i still have everything i saved when i worked at target#and i still remember what i endured in order to save all that money. so i absolutely am not dipping into that money#until i KNOW my life is headed in the right direction#and also when i got the job at target that was literally the 4th job i applied to in like 3 months#so if i apply to like 2 dozen jobs and none of them pan out then i’ll Know the timing is wrong. the market is bad#anyway pay me no mind i’ve only been back on the west coast 24 hours#i just had to go ahead and think through every possibility before my head asploded. Her ass did not fucking sleep last night your honor
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i did it! I'm back to being caught up in the anime!
#managed to do it in about a month#while also spending time studying [comma] juggling a fuck ton of social stuff [comma] taxes [comma] full time job#and a fuck ton of other things while maintaining a reasonable sleep schedule#and also reading about a case a day in japanese in the manga for the conan reading club#which takes time and effort but my reading is improving#anyways if this were me in college this wouldve been easy#cept during capstone hell#but now?? actually kinda impressed i did it#anyways have one more ep Saturday before the movie might try to catch it live!#dcmk#Detective Conan#surpringly I hadn't gotten behind where i read in the manga which was nice! I think i even have a case to spare
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Today I also had a fantastic fight of getting Crit-Hit every single time during the Cazador fight and the one time my character didn’t immediately get downed again and everyone else getting body blocked was of course the round where Cazador decided to.....remove Astarion
this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I saved beforehand
#bg3 spoilers#astarion quest wise#aka me getting un-fucking-lucky#bg3#txts#look literally only my own character was good at getting places quickly-misty step and all#and then this bullshit#quite rude really#next try went much better even if the fight got prolonged bc one of the skelly shits hid in a corner so i forgot about them#and kept summoning bats#who flew right into spirit guardian and exploded-spirit guardians is so satisfying i swear#anyhow everyone is fine now....-cazador but his corpse is an improvement over his previous condition of being alive#and around.....like I met this man for 2minutes and I am already willing to stake him to death#good job larian#i did literally go 'pffft only like 140hp? we JUST defeated a devil with 666'#PLUS feeling too safe bc there wasnt an 'x turns left till-y'know' deal#well...WOOPSIE#also shoutout to wyll who i brought in here bc he was still in the party#he slept through half the fight and i only noticed...after half the fight#kinda wish i'd let him sleep#Astarion has his whole quest moments either breakdown and Wyll is just napping on the ground still#missed opportunity
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I'm aware this illness probably isn't COVID but it is the weirdest illness I've ever had
#delete later#i have covid tests incoming so we'll find out for sure but fuck me#no longer shivering but still getting spikes in temp for the third day#illnesses allways go directly to ky sinuses abd stay there. this started in my throat abd moved to my chest abd THEN my sinuses#i have a rattle on the right side of my chest when i breath too hard. thats NEVER HAPPENED.#i did have an intense headache but it wasn't a sinus headache ir was a fever one bc the brain fog and processing lag was unreal#tmi gross but im not coughing anything up. im dislodging something bc coughing makes the rattle stop for a few mins but what yhe fuck#despite the exhaustion i cant sleep more than four hours max at a time. mostly its been two hours#and then my temp spikes again abd i wake up#what the fuck#its completely dufferent to sny illness uve had before. could be that my immune system has changed a bunch bc of t?#i defo get illnesses easier#no idea#im back and i was right no covid! wahey! unfortunately that does not improve my symptomd but im still glad!#unless i recover real quick tomorrow i will not be travellig into the office monday#im having trouble standing for very long let alone travelling like 7 miles
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if u could give one single jjk side character an abundance of fan content who would it be and why is it miguel
#I LOVE HIMMMM HES THE COOLEST every single one of u are sleeping on him 😔#hes strong (didnt die instantly in a battle w gojo) <3 hes reliable (mentored yuuta in africa and sent him back new & improved) <33#hes funny (immediately switched sides after geto died + avoids gojo like the plague) <333 AND hes attractive <3333#(did anyone see that one new gege illustration of him and yuuta bc PHEW)#miguel aside though.#i want more content for kenny but i wouldnt call him a side character….#TAKABA THO…#and reggie!!! AND remi idc i like my women mean and manipulative shes soooo pretty#there r just so many more…. kashimo. uro. ishigori#HAKARI AND KIRARA HELLOOOOOO⁉️⁉️#fuck it give charles some love too. hes my silly goose <3 my loser boy <333
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pulled an unconsenting all nighter , itd 10 am im feeling bright hapy cheerfula and most of all i am eepy. and i had a oone (1) cup of tea . (i need a shit )
#i was late to the film because i thought the party was today#and it was yesterday#and i never actaully figured that out until birthday boy texted me saying erm alex where are you ..#so i had to sprint to get a bus to get to the cinema#forgot ihis hilarious birthday card face palm#and i tried my very hardest to sleep but i was so boiling hot and my friends were on tiktok right by my ears .. :(#anywway it was great actual y we watched saw whcih was great#had a colin the catapillar rip off cake (tesco verison) that we dripped candle wax on and had to eat around ( i did anyway hope others did#the same hands clasping togetehr emoji)#and the most disgusting i think vodka? it was hazelnut it tasted so fukcing bad#this guys brought it in a fucking reusable water bottle and we put dr peepper in multilple times to try improve the taste#whixh eventually made a difference but there was so many of us and i dont think anyone was that drunk sadly#there were some beers but the y got guzzled pretty fast early on#anwyas im fucking thrashing my spanish homeowerk rn#the walk back home was so lovely bc its finally getting cold here and teh sun was shining??? unheard of .. englad n what the fuck ..#earliest ive had breakfast this holiday before 10 o clock holy fart#oh i got a cd!!!for christmas that i did get from a nother friend but idc its differenvet verions and it eats so#oh and my period started whichc was so typicall#had to borrow the only pad in the bathrroom cupboard sorry pookie#this ismy diary basicallly#i will not show my teeth too quick !!! rock on#strokes refernce ! nerd emoji finger sticking up oemji
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Lol out of curiosity I looked up my old job on Indeed and yes they ARE urgently hiring for the position and if I didn't get treated like dog shit for expecting a stress free work environment with reasonable expectations and not wildly cunty management who seemed to be under the impression they were doing THE most important job at THE most important store ever maybe I wouldn't have just not shown up one day 🤷🏻♀️ asshole thing to do to my poor coworkers but I didn't even have the energy to quit right after spending a month and a half feeling deeply surveilled at every aspect of my job lest I get another frivolous writeup no one else got for doing their jobs worse than me so fine. You want me gone enough to threaten my livelihood and SHRUG when I point out I have rent to pay, fine, but I wouldn't put up with that behavior from anyone in my life generally and I LIKE those people so my JOB pulling bullshit? Oh hell no, if I wouldn't take it from people I CHOOSE to be around on purpose I ain't taking shit from a fucking JOB. I refuse to be in a work environment that's unaware it's a GROCERY STORE, not a 5 star establishment frequented exclusively by world leaders or some shit. Like Sam, my job is cooking food at a fucking sobeys and you're acting as if I'm disarming bombs it's so important get reasonable priorities and standards for employees and then apply them equally to managers and not EXCLUSIVELY minimum wage staff 🙄
Which is funny because my new job everyone seems surprised with how fast I've caught on to stuff down to a coworker yesterday telling me he thought I worked in a shoppers prior to the pharmacy I'm in because Im catching on so quick. This isn't unusual for me either, some time in the last five or so years I've found every workplace I'm at I end up being heavily relied on because I'm good at my job, so fucking sucks to suck for sobeys because it took me some week or so to be consistently praised for being better at the job than the guy I replaced only for them to throw that out because they think management should be able to do whatever the fuck they want while they shove minimum wage staff under a fucking microscope to ensure they're doing their shit right and even that isn't consistent. They punished me exclusively because I did not lay down to be treated as a door mat and dished the treatment I got handed. If you treat me like shit I WILL treat you the way you treat me, no worse, and sometimes a little better because I don't lose my moral standards in that treatment either. Just because I'm being an ass doesn't mean I'm willing to do whatever the fuck, just enough to ensure that the person who's decided I'm their new plaything knows that'll be going both ways so fuck off. I've never had a job so willing to keep on shit management they had at LEAST a dozen meetings with regarding performance and I was the one who got punished for being frustrated about that. But I will take a new significantly less stressful job 🙌🏻
#winters ramblings#anyway theyre “urgently hiring” and if they listened when the fuck i told them i was so stressed i was clenching my fists#so hard in my sleep my hands would be DEAD STIFF and locked in place in the morning and required me to carefully massage them#and exercise the muscles and even then my hands still hurt. i told them ive been throwing up from stress AND i told them i was job hunting#because this was all bullshit. they KNEW where i was at and they should have listened but they didnt so fine#fuck me around 17 ways to sunday teo can play at that game and i didnt come here to be involved in a game at all#but force me onto that fucking biard then dont get mad when i flip it and walk away#im a grown assed adult i have no patience for workplaces that don't understand youre not a fucking slave#and the workplace isnt something Extremely Important And Special its a cucking GROCERY STORE and i wasnt even workinh#one if the jobs that DOES absolutely make a grocery store necessary i made fucking hot food everyone treated as Top Notch Shit#when ut was frozen boxed chicken strips and ut us INSULTING to me to teach me HOW to cook fucking BOXED FOOD#and NO i did bot take that “”“too personally”“' while they were trying to ”improve“ store standards#its fucking BOXED CHICKEN STRIPS guys why the fuck are we treating it like ROCKET SCIENCE??!?#i dont actually think its unreasonable to be angry your manager cannot even trust you to make food from a fucking BOX#without a chef coming in and treating you like some kind of idiot whohas never made a food in my LIFE despite#me cooking a lot more complicated shit at home on a regular basis. give me a fucking BREAK acting as if#it was StOrE sTaNdArD changes or whatever do YOU nit understand boxed food isnt HARD to make or do you need that explained#to you?? like i take shit too personally no YOU have unreasonable standards for EXCLUSIVELY your lowest wage staff#and im NOT bring held to a higher working standard than MANAGEMENT
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I feel like my crown just shifted up oh my god
#i have a cleaning thursday before work so like i can tell someone#but also why did i do that i schedualed it super early like im already regreting it#considering itll be the day after valentines which means my shift ends at 9/9:30#and ill have to be there at my dentist by 7:30am#its whatever i just need to finish my dental work at the office then get my wisdom tooh pulled and ill be done w my teeth health wise#and then its onto the allergy shots which reminds me i have to reschedual my appt w my ent hoepfully its not anything too crazy far out#but i wanna talk w him and be like hey these shits are expensive what are my options or do u wanna be a homie and update my diagnosis#so they can get covered by my insurance cause i think if i can breath at like even 80% capacity my life would immensly change#and i was reading abt how like major chronic allergies lead to inflamation and my drs were concered abt that n i know i need to lose weight#but not being able to breath thru my nose hinders that to a degree#but like severe allergies are horrible for inflamation and like fucks up ur body and its like no wonder i feel horrible all the time#and itll prolly massively improve my sleep which also helps you#and i gotta go see my thyroid dr whos on the opposite end of town and wont answer the fucking phone to schedule and appt#cause i have to do that to renew my prescription and frankly i wish my primary dr could take care of that or get a new thyroid dr in general#but shes on maternity leave so ill have to wait for that#my dentist is also on maternity leave so ill have to see a diff one#i also ghosted my cardiologist but he literally called and was like ur fine the tests we ran showed ur in good health#but u should be more in shape and i didnt want another lecure abt being fat so i didnt go but i prolly should tho my results#prolly arent relavent anymore#and ive attemped ive done my bike workout a bit but its also been winter and i cannot bring myself to do anything besides rot in bed#most of the time and if i am going out its like to the movies or events where i just stand around and talk to people very low effort#i also have to email that lady abt my cetificate i still havent gotten abd the haircut place who charved me twice and write that damn review#that ive forgotten so many times
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i had 2 stay home from school 2day bc my mouth hasnt stopped hurting yet and obvs i cant bring pain pills 2 school. my mouth hasnt gotten any better since the day of the surgery so i may have 2 stay home 2morrow as well. the oral surgeon said i need 2 come in i think 2morrow afternoon if my mouth still doesn't feel better so that's not concerning at all /s
#every night ive been waking up w excruciating pain bc i have 2 take ibuprofen every 8 hours#and the time i have 2 take it keeps winding up being at like 2 am. i tried setting alarms so i can take it on time and see if that helps#but it does not :( my mouth hurts so fucking bad every night. im so sleep deprived :(#i woke up sweating and crying at 3 am this morning bc my mouth hurt so bad#not 2 mention i miss food :(#my family had hamburgers last night and i couldnt eat one and i was sooo sad#it's a lil silly but i did cry abt it bc i feel like ill never get better :( nothing is improving
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Sock progress: I completed my first row of knit + purl stitches and it only looks kinda fucked up. Took forever tho cuz I keep forgetting what kind of stitch im supposed to be doing
#litchrally will be like did I just purl or is this one supposed to be a purl..............#not even joking this happens like every other stitch#oh well. this is a practice sock. if it sucks it sucks. I'll either try a different method or hope practice improves it#my sleep schedule is fucked tho and I haven't played Zelda in like 2 days :c#this baby better FUCKING appreciate the work I'm putting in for this
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it's actually really adorable reading my notes while i was going through heavensward for the first time
#🌙.rambles#[ ffxiv. ]#THAT WAS NEARLY EXACTLY TWO YEARS AGO ?? march ily fr#i am. so enthusiastic here. evidently so very passionate abt ffxiv n i was enjoying myself sm it makes me smile so much#this is so funny the lil gbf notes i have here too#oh my god i was playing ffxiv n gbf actively back then that is a nightmare#oh yeah damn i empathized sm w my wol#i'm. still really grateful actually bcs ffxiv genuinely helped w making it easier for me to cry#this actually hits hard but in a way that. sort of comforts me#in the end i'm proud of myself for improving n stuff n. perhaps yeah healing from some stuff that happened a few months prior#but like. ffxiv rlly did help. i was an anxious n social wreck then n had no support system other than my family n stuff like video games n#i think writing got even harder for me for a while#but ffxiv rlly just#it helped a lot. n i'll forever be grateful for that#yeah that reminds me. drk's rlly special to me bcs it rlly reminded me of some things that helped me be kinder to myself#n now just. looking back ik i've gone a long way. n just reading this from the past makes me really proud of myself#'i don't fucking know how to phrase this' while talking abt hope n resolve is still so me#i'm rlly gna sleep it's nearly 3 n help tumblr's rlly one of my diaries or wtvr atp but#i mean. i won't write it all ofc but i'm just. no matter what i'll always have myself. n my family. esp apollo.#i'm rlly proud of myself n my. resolve is renewed damn i'm motivated but i'll sleep
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i'm remembering why i don't stay on dating apps for long and why i have a hard time making connections with folks in general. if i have to teach one more fucking person about polite conversation with people you do not know yet, i swear to GOD.
#hhhhh i hate making generalizations but it does tend to be the cis men who don't know how talking to people like people goes#if you ask to see someone's art and they deign to share it with you don't immediately offer concrit unless it's specifically asked for?#like yes i'm concerned Iconic Character might not be recognizable despite my use of references for once#but i did not actually ask for your help on this because i don't know what your credentials are#and you barely recognized it as it is which is telling me you might not be the biggest fan of Iconic Character as you might think!#Fuck youuuuuuuuuu#i said yes to the offer because if they are reasonable changes i haven't already considered Part Of The Art i might consider them to improv#because i'm already going to be working on it again today so it's not really going to add any more to my plate than i might already have#but i don't even remember how many similar instances of fucking BONKERS things to say to a stranger i've been like#hey you know people don't talk to each other like this right? you know that's not how conversation is right?#please for the love of god tell me you don't talk to people IRL like this#cause i might start forming ideas about why tf you're on this app in the first place#like i know neurodivergence can be a hurdle and everyone's a little poorly socialized since lockdowns started in 2020#but... i KNOW these guys are not talking to their buddies like this#they think they can get away with it because i look like a woman#and if i gotta be the person who corrects them i will but boy howdy nothing gives me the ick faster than having to tell you that people#do not talk to other people like the way you're talking to me right now we do not know each other#do not presume you can just say Whatever at me and think i'm still gonna wanna try and get to know you to sleep with you like wtf#hhhh sorry. i'm like. probably not going to continue talking to this one but i did give him the opening to respond so i'll see what he has#to say and then move on with my life#it wouldn't probably be such a big deal if the vast majority of people i've attempted to talk to actually#yknow... talked to me.#but like it's fine. i'm fine. it's fine#like yes i would love to have someone i'm able to have sex with as well as friendship and general intimacy#i don't want to teach someone else how to be a person i barely understand it myself
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i’m not cut out for this lifestyle (doing the laundry more than every 5 months)
#literally working part time this summer living with my parents have no responsibilities#yet have no ability to work hard or make something of myself#capitalist propaganda i guess#but everyone around me is doing so much and seeing friends and already competent at skills i haven’t learned like cooking#i guess i just put so much pressure on myself whenever i have free time to improve myself#it’s not that deep#except when you look up and it’s been fucking 11 weeks and you’re like wtf all i did was sleep eat and watch tv with my parents#acacia speaks#sorry 2 vent ignore my wailing
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best oart of adderall is when you go from being fucking dead tired to suddenly feeling your mind clear. like literally a heavy fog lifting from your brain. can actually hold ur eyes open and pay attention
#yknow maybe half the benefits i get from adderall arent what im ‘supposed’ to be using for#*using it for#but as a chronically exhausted depressed bitch its so convenient#ill be fighting sleep in class then BAM 30 mins after i took my meds im wide awake and engaged#worst part is if youre not actually doing anything before/when it kicks in#potion of heart palpitations for an hour#birdsong#i fully support ‘drug seeking’ for adderall for college students after how it has helped me#i mean still get a script or at least try to take it appropriately if you get it secondhand#bc i know it can still fuck you up#but like. literally. if u think u have adhd or you just struggle with executive function and task completion#for the love of god try to get medicated. it improved my mood way more noticably than my ssri did alone#stimulants arent for everyone but literally talk to a doc and try it out. at least so you can rule it out.
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