#MY SLEEP. DID NOT. FUCKING. IMPROVE.
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the next fucking person to tell me i need to spend less time in front of screens if i wanna sleep better is going to get fucking punched i stg
#blue personal ramblings#vent post#insomnia#sleeping disorders#I SPENT!! ALMOST A YEAR!!!! AVERAING ONE (1) HOUR!!! OF SCREENTIME A DAY!!!#AND GUESS. FUCKING. WHAT.#MY SLEEP. DID NOT. FUCKING. IMPROVE.#SHUT UP ABOUT SCREENTIME. SHUT UP.
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y’all keep me in your thoughts and keep your fingers crossed that my day today and my shift tonight (it’s almost 2am already wtf) goes significantly better than today did 🥲🤞🏻
#⟡ — kayleigh’s yapping#everything was just absolutely fucked today and especially during my shift at work tonight#things did not improve when i arrived home 🙃#i am exhausted and my entire back is killing me from shoveling one (1) run#i desperately needed to shovel the rest of the runs because of how bad it was snowing#because since i didn’t the morning kennel attendant is going to have to shovel like 3-4ft of snow 😭#but i almost passed out 2x while at work and also my back is fucking killing me because i sprained it ughhh#also i literally didn’t have time 😭 it would have taken me probably 1 1/2 hours to shovel the runs#and i only have 4 hours to do everything including walking the 6 dogs 2x#and cleaning up after 6 groups of puppies and laundry and doggy dishes and and and-#also my boss texted me telling me to get out early tonight because of how bad the weather is#idk i am just feeling absolutely horrible about leaving joey with that much work 😭#it’ll probably still be snowing tomorrow morning too 💔#hopefully it fucking stops tomorrow or at least doesn’t snow as much#ANYWAYS i am going to attempt to go tf to sleep asap
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ough i was awake until almost 9 this morning with stupid fucking jaw pain so i got like 5 hours of shitty inconsistent sleep and i want to just curl up on the floor n disappear (or cry. both would be fine tbh)
#the pain is a lot better now thank god. still there but less.#i hate this new trend though!!!! like i always knew i have a tendency to tense up in my sleep but only this last week#has my jaw been so affected#like it was incapacitating last night i felt as helpless and miserable as when i have a migraine and akjshfkds#NOT A FAN. shit's rough enough as it is why did my body need to add this on top of it all#fucking end me dude i hate it here i positively DESPISE it here#anyway. i needed to gripe abt it sorry akjshfds#if it improves further i'll take a crack at some writing but idfk man#idfk!!! and i'm mad about it bc i wanna do something!!!#━━ ˟ ⊰ ✰ ooc ⋮ don't @ me.
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real talk migraines are crazy bc when i have a migraine i fucking hate things touching my head lmao a hat applying pressure is the WORST thing it could possibly do for a migraine but if it works for phil i'm happy for him lol
(i still wear a hat most places because i'm more sensitive to light than touch but sometimes i loosen it when the allodynia is really bad)
(an incomplete list of really inconvenient things that sometimes hurt so so bad: hats, surgical masks (don't even talk about n95s), my glasses, putting my hair up (even in very loose braids) (my hair looks so bad bc i sleep with it down all the time and i don't even give a fuck anymore))
#lou is loud#botox injections hurt like crazy when your head is already very sensitive btw#100% worth it but they did hurt so so bad for like 3 seconds#at one point the allodynia got so bad that i had trouble sleeping because my head hurt wherever it touched the pillow ...........#i can talk all the shit i want about blood pressure meds as migraine preventatives#but they stopped THAT from happening. holy fuck. they really did improve my quality of life so much#it's just that my quality of life at the time was really really bad#tbh i do still get that sometimes but it's not anywhere near as bad#helth
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my fibro meds have truly destroyed my tolerance for antihistamines
#blue chatter#my nose has been v stuffy this week!#I take a Benadryl (already a bad idea) expecting mild spiders and feeling a bit sleepy#and Pass The Fuck Out for 7 hours#okay cool. I’ll do Claritin. it’ll take longer to work but that’s okay-#Pass The Fuck Out For 7 Hours#okay. sure. fine. I’ll take half a Benadryl; it’ll work less effectively but I rly would like to not be so stuffy-#guess what! Pass The Fuck Out For 5 Hours!#which is. teeeeechnically shorter. but still defeats the point#I’m gonna try half a Claritin but those pills are so small already#I know my gabapentin has warnings about anything with drowsiness as a side effect so I tried to do rly low doses#bc it also has those warnings for alcohol and I can drink one drink and feel like. just a tiny bit tired and otherwise fine.#so I thought an antihistamine would be no issue. I was WRONG.#also for context before my fibro meds I was able to take a 24 hour Claritin and be barely even tired#or take 2 Benadryl and feel sleepy and spidery but not actually *fall asleep about it*.#the spiders are unpleasant but Benadryl does work faster for existing stuffiness/allergic reactions. Claritin for me works better as a#preventative measure than a treatment once I’m already sniffly.#by spiders I do mean tactile hallucinations. which funnily enough I have not gotten at all taking Benadryl now.#BECAUSE IM ASLEEP#not awake enough long enough to feel imaginary spiders! which would be an improvement except I cannot keep falling asleep when I’m busy!#this is also why I’ve only been testing this on days I know I won’t have to drive or go to class/have things due that day#bc I suspected the sleepies would be worse even if I did not understand the magnitude#as a side effect I’ve now ruined my sleep schedule enough that my body is used to taking a midday nap and expects it#which is Not Helping
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crazy how if you google “how many job applications per week” (which you probably shouldn’t google anyway) you get one result saying doing 2-3 a day is good, one result saying doing 5-10 a day is good, and one result saying doing 11-20 a day is good. So basically, do whatever the hell you want forever
#my thing is. HOW many of these jobs are real. HOW many of these places are actually hiring#one of the 2 i did today made you answer like 15 different questions about whether you’ve ever been late for work. ummmm.no#my plan is to apply at least 20 jobs over the next ummm week or two or so#and keep in mind these are all like nothingburger minimum wage retail jobs designed for stupid individuals such as myself#and if NONE of these places want me then i will know that the job market right now is probably bad for realsies#and so between like september 14-21 i will know if i should be looking for a place to stay for october#or looking for a plane ticket back so i don’t waste money chasing something that won’t happen#and IF it’s option B then i will make my brother hire me at dunkin for a few months until a) the job market improves#or b) i have enough money saved up that i could convince some landlord to rent to me while unemployed#because my thing about the money is like. i still have everything i saved when i worked at target#and i still remember what i endured in order to save all that money. so i absolutely am not dipping into that money#until i KNOW my life is headed in the right direction#and also when i got the job at target that was literally the 4th job i applied to in like 3 months#so if i apply to like 2 dozen jobs and none of them pan out then i’ll Know the timing is wrong. the market is bad#anyway pay me no mind i’ve only been back on the west coast 24 hours#i just had to go ahead and think through every possibility before my head asploded. Her ass did not fucking sleep last night your honor
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i did it! I'm back to being caught up in the anime!
#managed to do it in about a month#while also spending time studying [comma] juggling a fuck ton of social stuff [comma] taxes [comma] full time job#and a fuck ton of other things while maintaining a reasonable sleep schedule#and also reading about a case a day in japanese in the manga for the conan reading club#which takes time and effort but my reading is improving#anyways if this were me in college this wouldve been easy#cept during capstone hell#but now?? actually kinda impressed i did it#anyways have one more ep Saturday before the movie might try to catch it live!#dcmk#Detective Conan#surpringly I hadn't gotten behind where i read in the manga which was nice! I think i even have a case to spare
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Today I also had a fantastic fight of getting Crit-Hit every single time during the Cazador fight and the one time my character didn’t immediately get downed again and everyone else getting body blocked was of course the round where Cazador decided to.....remove Astarion
this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I saved beforehand
#bg3 spoilers#astarion quest wise#aka me getting un-fucking-lucky#bg3#txts#look literally only my own character was good at getting places quickly-misty step and all#and then this bullshit#quite rude really#next try went much better even if the fight got prolonged bc one of the skelly shits hid in a corner so i forgot about them#and kept summoning bats#who flew right into spirit guardian and exploded-spirit guardians is so satisfying i swear#anyhow everyone is fine now....-cazador but his corpse is an improvement over his previous condition of being alive#and around.....like I met this man for 2minutes and I am already willing to stake him to death#good job larian#i did literally go 'pffft only like 140hp? we JUST defeated a devil with 666'#PLUS feeling too safe bc there wasnt an 'x turns left till-y'know' deal#well...WOOPSIE#also shoutout to wyll who i brought in here bc he was still in the party#he slept through half the fight and i only noticed...after half the fight#kinda wish i'd let him sleep#Astarion has his whole quest moments either breakdown and Wyll is just napping on the ground still#missed opportunity
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if u could give one single jjk side character an abundance of fan content who would it be and why is it miguel
#I LOVE HIMMMM HES THE COOLEST every single one of u are sleeping on him 😔#hes strong (didnt die instantly in a battle w gojo) <3 hes reliable (mentored yuuta in africa and sent him back new & improved) <33#hes funny (immediately switched sides after geto died + avoids gojo like the plague) <333 AND hes attractive <3333#(did anyone see that one new gege illustration of him and yuuta bc PHEW)#miguel aside though.#i want more content for kenny but i wouldnt call him a side character….#TAKABA THO…#and reggie!!! AND remi idc i like my women mean and manipulative shes soooo pretty#there r just so many more…. kashimo. uro. ishigori#HAKARI AND KIRARA HELLOOOOOO⁉️⁉️#fuck it give charles some love too. hes my silly goose <3 my loser boy <333
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Lol out of curiosity I looked up my old job on Indeed and yes they ARE urgently hiring for the position and if I didn't get treated like dog shit for expecting a stress free work environment with reasonable expectations and not wildly cunty management who seemed to be under the impression they were doing THE most important job at THE most important store ever maybe I wouldn't have just not shown up one day 🤷🏻♀️ asshole thing to do to my poor coworkers but I didn't even have the energy to quit right after spending a month and a half feeling deeply surveilled at every aspect of my job lest I get another frivolous writeup no one else got for doing their jobs worse than me so fine. You want me gone enough to threaten my livelihood and SHRUG when I point out I have rent to pay, fine, but I wouldn't put up with that behavior from anyone in my life generally and I LIKE those people so my JOB pulling bullshit? Oh hell no, if I wouldn't take it from people I CHOOSE to be around on purpose I ain't taking shit from a fucking JOB. I refuse to be in a work environment that's unaware it's a GROCERY STORE, not a 5 star establishment frequented exclusively by world leaders or some shit. Like Sam, my job is cooking food at a fucking sobeys and you're acting as if I'm disarming bombs it's so important get reasonable priorities and standards for employees and then apply them equally to managers and not EXCLUSIVELY minimum wage staff 🙄
Which is funny because my new job everyone seems surprised with how fast I've caught on to stuff down to a coworker yesterday telling me he thought I worked in a shoppers prior to the pharmacy I'm in because Im catching on so quick. This isn't unusual for me either, some time in the last five or so years I've found every workplace I'm at I end up being heavily relied on because I'm good at my job, so fucking sucks to suck for sobeys because it took me some week or so to be consistently praised for being better at the job than the guy I replaced only for them to throw that out because they think management should be able to do whatever the fuck they want while they shove minimum wage staff under a fucking microscope to ensure they're doing their shit right and even that isn't consistent. They punished me exclusively because I did not lay down to be treated as a door mat and dished the treatment I got handed. If you treat me like shit I WILL treat you the way you treat me, no worse, and sometimes a little better because I don't lose my moral standards in that treatment either. Just because I'm being an ass doesn't mean I'm willing to do whatever the fuck, just enough to ensure that the person who's decided I'm their new plaything knows that'll be going both ways so fuck off. I've never had a job so willing to keep on shit management they had at LEAST a dozen meetings with regarding performance and I was the one who got punished for being frustrated about that. But I will take a new significantly less stressful job 🙌🏻
#winters ramblings#anyway theyre “urgently hiring” and if they listened when the fuck i told them i was so stressed i was clenching my fists#so hard in my sleep my hands would be DEAD STIFF and locked in place in the morning and required me to carefully massage them#and exercise the muscles and even then my hands still hurt. i told them ive been throwing up from stress AND i told them i was job hunting#because this was all bullshit. they KNEW where i was at and they should have listened but they didnt so fine#fuck me around 17 ways to sunday teo can play at that game and i didnt come here to be involved in a game at all#but force me onto that fucking biard then dont get mad when i flip it and walk away#im a grown assed adult i have no patience for workplaces that don't understand youre not a fucking slave#and the workplace isnt something Extremely Important And Special its a cucking GROCERY STORE and i wasnt even workinh#one if the jobs that DOES absolutely make a grocery store necessary i made fucking hot food everyone treated as Top Notch Shit#when ut was frozen boxed chicken strips and ut us INSULTING to me to teach me HOW to cook fucking BOXED FOOD#and NO i did bot take that “”“too personally”“' while they were trying to ”improve“ store standards#its fucking BOXED CHICKEN STRIPS guys why the fuck are we treating it like ROCKET SCIENCE??!?#i dont actually think its unreasonable to be angry your manager cannot even trust you to make food from a fucking BOX#without a chef coming in and treating you like some kind of idiot whohas never made a food in my LIFE despite#me cooking a lot more complicated shit at home on a regular basis. give me a fucking BREAK acting as if#it was StOrE sTaNdArD changes or whatever do YOU nit understand boxed food isnt HARD to make or do you need that explained#to you?? like i take shit too personally no YOU have unreasonable standards for EXCLUSIVELY your lowest wage staff#and im NOT bring held to a higher working standard than MANAGEMENT
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i had 2 stay home from school 2day bc my mouth hasnt stopped hurting yet and obvs i cant bring pain pills 2 school. my mouth hasnt gotten any better since the day of the surgery so i may have 2 stay home 2morrow as well. the oral surgeon said i need 2 come in i think 2morrow afternoon if my mouth still doesn't feel better so that's not concerning at all /s
#every night ive been waking up w excruciating pain bc i have 2 take ibuprofen every 8 hours#and the time i have 2 take it keeps winding up being at like 2 am. i tried setting alarms so i can take it on time and see if that helps#but it does not :( my mouth hurts so fucking bad every night. im so sleep deprived :(#i woke up sweating and crying at 3 am this morning bc my mouth hurt so bad#not 2 mention i miss food :(#my family had hamburgers last night and i couldnt eat one and i was sooo sad#it's a lil silly but i did cry abt it bc i feel like ill never get better :( nothing is improving
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Sock progress: I completed my first row of knit + purl stitches and it only looks kinda fucked up. Took forever tho cuz I keep forgetting what kind of stitch im supposed to be doing
#litchrally will be like did I just purl or is this one supposed to be a purl..............#not even joking this happens like every other stitch#oh well. this is a practice sock. if it sucks it sucks. I'll either try a different method or hope practice improves it#my sleep schedule is fucked tho and I haven't played Zelda in like 2 days :c#this baby better FUCKING appreciate the work I'm putting in for this
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it's actually really adorable reading my notes while i was going through heavensward for the first time
#🌙.rambles#[ ffxiv. ]#THAT WAS NEARLY EXACTLY TWO YEARS AGO ?? march ily fr#i am. so enthusiastic here. evidently so very passionate abt ffxiv n i was enjoying myself sm it makes me smile so much#this is so funny the lil gbf notes i have here too#oh my god i was playing ffxiv n gbf actively back then that is a nightmare#oh yeah damn i empathized sm w my wol#i'm. still really grateful actually bcs ffxiv genuinely helped w making it easier for me to cry#this actually hits hard but in a way that. sort of comforts me#in the end i'm proud of myself for improving n stuff n. perhaps yeah healing from some stuff that happened a few months prior#but like. ffxiv rlly did help. i was an anxious n social wreck then n had no support system other than my family n stuff like video games n#i think writing got even harder for me for a while#but ffxiv rlly just#it helped a lot. n i'll forever be grateful for that#yeah that reminds me. drk's rlly special to me bcs it rlly reminded me of some things that helped me be kinder to myself#n now just. looking back ik i've gone a long way. n just reading this from the past makes me really proud of myself#'i don't fucking know how to phrase this' while talking abt hope n resolve is still so me#i'm rlly gna sleep it's nearly 3 n help tumblr's rlly one of my diaries or wtvr atp but#i mean. i won't write it all ofc but i'm just. no matter what i'll always have myself. n my family. esp apollo.#i'm rlly proud of myself n my. resolve is renewed damn i'm motivated but i'll sleep
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#hooohhdhdhsjs another 4+ hour guitar session lmaoo#i could keep going but im so fucking tired and i gotta do pt exercises#i really just wanted to play for like a half hour or something!! where did the time fucking go lmao#like i sat down to learn a song by ear. researched some chords i could use#and then while the guitar app was open i was like well. may as well look up some tabs while im here#i played so many fucking songs man#so many#i gotta practise more lead guitar type of stuff later but holy shit theres a chords version of Bat Country and its SO EASY TO PLAY#i was going nuts man#TO WEIRD TO LIVE BUT MUCH TO RARE TO DIEEEEEEEEE#but yeah holy shit man i was doing th harmonocs thing on a video game song so i wanna learn more of that and get better at it#but i need to find more songs that use it bc i was getting absolutely silly trying to do metal harmonics version of other songs lmaoo#it was so bad but so fun#maybe ill grab my other guitar and bust out the whammy moves next (main guitar does not have whammy)#but shit like its 1145 and i havent been sleeping much at all lately i gotta be up early tmr so im hoping to be inbed by like 1. pls.#pls lmao pls pls pls let me be alseep by 1. i need sleep ive seen 4am like 8 times this year already and its only january 7#fr tho its amazing how good it feels to be playing guitar. its like instant brain relief. i didnt used to do this when i was a teen lol#maybe bc theres no pressure to improve when i was taking lessons. im just playin for me now. playin and singing terribly lol#my singing is so bad lol but im trying to not be scared of hearing it like i have been my whole life#Cori.exe#ShitPost.exe#delete later / /#idk#just talking to the air i guess im just still hyped from that hhhh j want to play more but TIME ughhh#3am edit: 'ALARM IN 4 HOURS.' FUCK.#i tried. i was ready at 130a to sleep. and time has eluded me yet again.#i gotta just go to bed at like 9pm and power cycle this mofo#pls let me be able to wake up on time tmr tho ughhhhh
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i'm remembering why i don't stay on dating apps for long and why i have a hard time making connections with folks in general. if i have to teach one more fucking person about polite conversation with people you do not know yet, i swear to GOD.
#hhhhh i hate making generalizations but it does tend to be the cis men who don't know how talking to people like people goes#if you ask to see someone's art and they deign to share it with you don't immediately offer concrit unless it's specifically asked for?#like yes i'm concerned Iconic Character might not be recognizable despite my use of references for once#but i did not actually ask for your help on this because i don't know what your credentials are#and you barely recognized it as it is which is telling me you might not be the biggest fan of Iconic Character as you might think!#Fuck youuuuuuuuuu#i said yes to the offer because if they are reasonable changes i haven't already considered Part Of The Art i might consider them to improv#because i'm already going to be working on it again today so it's not really going to add any more to my plate than i might already have#but i don't even remember how many similar instances of fucking BONKERS things to say to a stranger i've been like#hey you know people don't talk to each other like this right? you know that's not how conversation is right?#please for the love of god tell me you don't talk to people IRL like this#cause i might start forming ideas about why tf you're on this app in the first place#like i know neurodivergence can be a hurdle and everyone's a little poorly socialized since lockdowns started in 2020#but... i KNOW these guys are not talking to their buddies like this#they think they can get away with it because i look like a woman#and if i gotta be the person who corrects them i will but boy howdy nothing gives me the ick faster than having to tell you that people#do not talk to other people like the way you're talking to me right now we do not know each other#do not presume you can just say Whatever at me and think i'm still gonna wanna try and get to know you to sleep with you like wtf#hhhh sorry. i'm like. probably not going to continue talking to this one but i did give him the opening to respond so i'll see what he has#to say and then move on with my life#it wouldn't probably be such a big deal if the vast majority of people i've attempted to talk to actually#yknow... talked to me.#but like it's fine. i'm fine. it's fine#like yes i would love to have someone i'm able to have sex with as well as friendship and general intimacy#i don't want to teach someone else how to be a person i barely understand it myself
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i’m not cut out for this lifestyle (doing the laundry more than every 5 months)
#literally working part time this summer living with my parents have no responsibilities#yet have no ability to work hard or make something of myself#capitalist propaganda i guess#but everyone around me is doing so much and seeing friends and already competent at skills i haven’t learned like cooking#i guess i just put so much pressure on myself whenever i have free time to improve myself#it’s not that deep#except when you look up and it’s been fucking 11 weeks and you’re like wtf all i did was sleep eat and watch tv with my parents#acacia speaks#sorry 2 vent ignore my wailing
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