#Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her

[lifewithaview]

I Love Lucy (1951–1957) Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her

After becoming too involved in a murder mystery book, Lucy believes that Ricky is trying to murder her.

[papermoonloveslucy]

623 ~ Part 1

623 East 68th Street: The Most Iconic Address on Television

THE PEOPLE of 623

~ THE LANDLORDS ~

#1) Fred & Ethel Mertz, 3C

In 1948, former vaudevillians Fred and Ethel Mertz (played by William Frawley and Vivian Vance), bought a four-floor New York City brownstone at 623 East 68th Street. They operate it as an apartment building. The building is in Ethel’s name only! The childless couple resides in apartment 3C.

Coincidentally, the year after Fred and Ethel bought the building, in real life an unrelated new TV show was airing titled “Apartment 3C”. It dealt with a married couple living in a Manhattan apartment building. Just like Lucy and Desi, the actors were married in real life. Writing about the show in 2022, their daughter said:

“Apartment 3C” was no “I Love Lucy” ~ J.G. Summers  

In “Lucy Wants New Furniture” (1953), there is a door in that wall that leads to the Mertz kitchen and back door, although every other time we see the Mertz living room, the kitchen door is on the right, not the left, and there is a window where the door was!  This was to accommodate the gag of Lucy running from her kitchen to the Mertz’s.

At the end of the episode, the redecoration is such a disaster that the Ricardos end up giving the Mertzes their furniture and buying all new for themselves.

The only time we see the Mertz kitchen is in “Never Do Business with Friends” (1953). 

The only time we see the Mertz bedroom is in “Vacation for Marriage” (1952). Naturally they have single beds! [There’s a reason why they are childless!]

When the Mertzes move to Westport to live in the Ricardo’s guest cottage, the Mertzes retain ownership of the building, although they put the day-to-day running of the building (except for the collection of rents, that is Fred’s domain) in the hands of Mrs. Trumbull’s sister, a character we never see or even learn her name.

~ THE TENANTS ~

#2) Lucy & Ricky Ricardo, 4A

Lucy McGillicuddy and Ricky Ricardo (Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz) moved to 623 shortly after they were married. He was a bandleader and she was a housewife with showbusiness aspirations. 

On August 6, 1948 (Lucille Ball’s real-life birthday), they moved to an apartment building recently purchased by the Mertzes. Their first apartment was 4A. The rent was $105 a month.  

Viewers typically remember 4A as ‘the apartment without the window’.  The Ricardos are given a 99-year lease and become fast friends with their landlords.

Ethel luxuriates in Lucy’s brand-new living room furniture won at the Home Show.

In “New Neighbors” (1952) there is a window in the living room where Lucy and Ethel watch the moving vans unload. This window is technically in the set’s “fourth wall” and is never seen again.

The kitchen had a breakfast bar that serves as a chalk board for one of the unruly Hudson twins in “The Amateur Hour” (1952). Sometimes this breakfast bar was skirted and the folk rooster pattern could not be seen.

In “The Fur Coat” (1951) the view of the city outside the kitchen window suddenly disappeared!

The bedroom during rehearsals for the first episode filmed “Lucy Thinks Ricky is Trying to Murder Her” (1951) - as yet undecorated!  The first scene of the first episode filmed takes place in the Ricardo bedroom. The bathroom was located directly behind the bed, and was accessible through Lucy and Ricky’s closets, on each side of their bed. During this period, the couple’s single beds were generally pushed together. After they had a child, it was thought unseemly so the beds were separated.

We see the bathroom of 4A only once - in “The Audition” (1951).  The un-aired pilot also had a scene set in the bathroom, so this episode followed suit. Part of the scene in the bathroom was deleted for syndication because Lucy holds up a pack of Philip Morris cigarettes when talking about how a girl can even smoke a sponsor’s product. The DVD restores the scene.  Although the bathroom was referenced in “Breaking the Lease” (1952) it was not seen.

#2) Lucy, Ricky & Little Ricky Ricardo, 3B / 3D

With the birth of Little Ricky, Lucy convinced Ricky they needed to move to a larger (and more expensive) apartment. In “The Ricardos Change Apartments” (1953), Lucy convinces Mrs. Benson, who just married off her daughter to a nincompoop, to switch apartments with them. 

The Benson (soon to be Ricardo) apartment is 3B. It has a picture window and space for a nursery!  

The change was because in “Lucy Tells the Truth” (1953) Lucy feels the need to embroider her show-business resume. She tells the casting director that she appeared in 3D. When he asks is that is short for “third dimension” (a film trend that was popular at the time), Lucy reluctantly admits that it is merely her apartment number.  For the sake of this gag, the Ricardo apartment was re-numbered 3D. It stayed 3D for the rest of the series. Above, Ethel poses in the doorway of 3D in “The Charm School” (1954). 

The apartment has been faithfully recreated at The Lucy-Desi Museum in Jamestown NY.  

They even decorate it for the holidays, just as it was seen in the “I Love Lucy” Christmas Special (1956).

The bedroom as seen in “Lucy is Envious” (1954). After the birth of Little Ricky, it was deemed inappropriate for the Ricardos to sleep in the same bed, lest viewers make they unseemly connection of how the child was created!

Ricky likes to sing in the shower. We see the Ricardo’s 3D bathroom twice - in “Bonus Bucks” (1954) and “Little Ricky Plays the Drums” (1956). Interestingly, the entire layout of the bathroom changed in those two years. Naturally, the only thing we don’t see is the toilet!

In “Lucy Hates to Leave” (1956), Lucy says goodbye to 623 before moving to Connecticut. Curiously, of the memories she shares about the apartment, a couple are of apartment 4A.  

#3) Mrs. Matilda Trumbull

Mrs. Trumbull (played by Elizabeth Patterson) lives with her cat on the 5th floor, although her exact apartment number is never stated. The character appeared in 10 episodes from seasons 2 through 6. Presumably a widow, we meet her nephew Joe (a washing machine repairman) and hear about her sister.

At first, she is adversarial with the Ricardos, but soon warms up to them, becoming their de-facto babysitter. Her favorite expression is “Oh, nuts!” Her favorite perfume is My Sin.

While the Mertzes were in Hollywood and Europe, Mrs. Trumbull managed the building for them. Much to Fred’s chagrin, she kept the building “nice and warm.” A Rudolph Valentino fan, she has some hidden show business aspirations.

#4) Mrs. Benson, 3B / 4A

Mrs. Benson (played by Norma Varden) lives with unseen Mr. Benson (”Meh!”) and has just married off her daughter to a nincompoop. Because of this, Lucy reasons that she has no need for such a large apartment and convinces her to change switch with her. 

When “The Ricardos Change Apartments” (1953) we get our first glimpse of the living space that the Ricardos will inhabit until they move to Connecticut. Noticeably different than how it looks after the ‘swish’ (as Ricky calls it), the Bensons keep the drapes drawn and have a lot of furniture crowded onto an area rug.

Although Mrs. Benson only appears in one episode, she is mentioned in “Lucy Gets Her Eyes Examined” (1953). Lucy sends Ricky to the drug store for some ice cream, but he returns quicker than Lucy expected after borrowing some from Mrs. Benson. He catches Lucy and the Mertzes ‘auditioning’ for their guest, producer Bill Parker and is not happy about it! 

In “The Business Manager” Lucy takes on the marketing for the entire building to pay her bills. She rattles off a list of her ‘clients’: “Benson, Williams, Trumbull.”  Interestingly, no tenant named Williams ever appeared on the series. If the writers had longer memories, they might have mentioned Miss Lewis, who lived at 623 (see #8 below).  

#5) The Johnsons, 4B

In “Oil Wells” (1954), Sam and Nancy Johnson (played by Sam Cheshire and Sandra Gould) move to 623 from Texas and they are in oil. (LUCY: “Hair, suntan, cod liver, or castor?”). Ricky is suspicious, thinking they may be frauds. 

RICKY: “If he’s a millionaire, what’s he doing living in a dump like this?” FRED & ETHEL: “Dump!?!”  RICKY: “Yeah, to a millionaire, this is a dump!”  FRED: “I accept that.”

#6) The O’Briens, 4B

Tom O’Brien (Hayden Rorke) and his wife (K.T. Stevens) are actors who move into 4B, the same apartment that will be rented by the Johnsons two years later. In “New Neighbors” (1952), they are renting the apartment while making a spy television show.  

Nosy Lucy and Ethel enter their apartment while they are away to ogle their belongings. Lucy gets trapped in their closet when they come back unexpectedly. They promptly move out! 

#7) The Taylors, 3D

When Lucy and Ricky are about to move to Connecticut, “Lucy Hates to Leave” (1957), but Fred wastes no time in showing their apartment. The new tenants are a young couple named the Taylors (played by Gene Reynolds and Mary Ellen Kay). Selling their furniture to the new tenants, Lucy is horrified to learn that Mrs. Taylor wants to use her own lampshade, paint the coffee table black, and saw the legs off the sofa. Lucy ends up buying most of her furniture back, rather than see it ruined.

If Desilu made a spin-off...

#8) Miss Lewis, 1A

In “Lucy Plays Cupid” (1952) an elderly spinster (played by Bea Benadaret) is enamored of the local butcher, Mr. Ritter. Lucy plays matchmaker, only to discover that the amorous butcher is sweet on her instead!  Miss Lewis enjoys elderberry wine, lace doilies, and gumdrops.

Although this was the only appearance of Miss Lewis, she was mentioned twice in “The Courtroom” (1952). A process server pretends to be looking for “the Lewis apartment” and it is also mentioned that Miss Lewis has baked the Mertzes an anniversary cake.

Bill & Grace Foster

Uniquely, husband and wife Bill and Grace Foster are tenants of 623, although both are seen in different episodes!  Bill Foster (played by Richard Reeves) is seen in “The Gossip” (1952) and “The Publicity Agent” (1952).  

Grace Foster (played by Gloria Blondell) is seen in “The Anniversary Present” (1952). Grace works for a Josef Jewelry and Ricky wants to by wholesale pearls for Lucy. Lucy thinks Ricky is cheating with Grace and disguises herself as a painter to spy on them. Trouble is - brownstones like 623 were rarely painted - let alone white!  

Mr. Stewart

When “Little Ricky Gets a Dog” (1957), the barking upsets grouchy new tenant Mr. Stewart (played by John Emery). Forced to choose between his namesake pooch and surly Stewart, Fred the landlord returns Stewart’s deposit - $200 - then promptly faints!

Herbert & Martha

In “Lucy and Superman” (1957) Fred is anxious to rent apartment 3B next door to the Ricardos. They show it to a nice couple named Herbert and Martha (Madge Blake and Ralph Dumke). Martha is prone to dizzy spells. When she sees something on the ledge, Herbert decides they should look at some basement apartments instead!  

HERBERT: “Was it a bird?”  MARTHA: “No.”  HERBERT: “Was it a plane?” MARTHA: “No.”  HERBERT: “Well, what was it, dear?”  MARTHA: “It was Superman!”  

3B has the same view out the window as the Mertz kitchen (3C) in “Never Do Business with Friends” (1953).

~ VISITORS, GUESTS & SUBLETS ~

“Tennessee Ernie Visits” (1954) features country music singer and comedian Ernie Ford as a friend (of a friend) of Lucy’s mother’s best friend, who stays.... and stays. After hearing that ‘Cousin’ Ernie is headed to NYC, Ricky moans that they have already had three visitors this month but doesn’t say who they were.  

Their extended houseguest eats them out of house and home in “Tennessee Ernie Hangs On” (1954).   

When Ricky gets a summer booking in Maine in “The Sublease” (1954), he decides to sublet their apartment. When the job falls through, they must figure out a way to get rid of their nervous new tenant, Mr. Beecher (Jay Novello), a witness at a recent murder trial.  The rent on the Ricardo apartment is just $125, but real estate agent Mrs. Hammond knows she can get $300.

When burglar Madame X strikes in “Too Many Crooks” (1953), a policeman is accompanied by other tenants of 623, all in their nightgowns and pajamas, including Mrs. Trumbull (Elizabeth Patterson). Lucy and Desi’s camera and lighting stand-ins Hazel Pierce (second from left) and Bennett Green (behind Lucy and Fred) are also there, along with Vivian Vance’s camera and lighting stand-in Renita Reachi (3rd from left).

~ NEIGHBORS ~

In “Breaking the Lease” (1952) Ricky’s impromptu jam session attracts neighbors like Hazel Pierce and Bennett Green, who were Lucy and Desi’s camera and lighting stand-ins.

Also (getting the last ticket) is Ball’s Goldwyn Girl pal Barbara Pepper, as well as Ball’s future “Lucy Show” stand-in Joan Carey.

Lucy and Ricky’s “Homecoming” (1955) from Hollywood brings out many of the neighbors for a block party. Those waiting at the stoop of 623 include Lucille Ball’s friend and frequent extra Barbara Pepper, Desi’s camera and lighting stand-in Bennett Green, Lucille Ball’s future stand-in Joan Carey, as well as Roy Schallert, Dick Cherney, and mother of the twins playing Little Ricky, Eva Jean Mayer.

A select group of friends and neighbors are invited inside, including Hazel Pierce (left), and Madge (played by Charlotte Lawrence).

When “Lucy Cries Wolf” (1954), across the street neighbor Mrs. Devries (played by Beppie Devries), telephones Ricky to report that his missing wife is on the ledge!

If Desilu did a spin-off...

In “Redecorating” (1952), the Party Line Gossips are played by Florence Halop and Margie Liszt, whose character is referred to as Agnes. Party lines depended upon the users living in the same telephone exchange.

Some unseen tenants and neighbors:

Mr. Benson in “The Ricardos Change Apartments” (1953).

Mrs. Trumbull’s Sister, who takes over the running of 623 when Fred and Ethel move to Connecticut.

In “The Anniversary Present” (1952), Lucy and Ethel go to the basement to listen at the furnace pipe (”the snooper’s friend”) and hear the voices of the couple in 4B (“Albert!”) are not credited but sound like Barbara Pepper and Richard Reeves, two character actors that appeared in many episodes during the series.

In “The Business Manager” (1954), Lucy rattles off the names of several tenants she shops for, including “Williams”.  

[alaffy]

Riverdale, Ep.7x01 - Don’t Worry Darling (Spoilers)

Well that was...something. Less of a recap this time. Most of this was setting up the new version of Riverdale and how that characters behave. And, yeah, a lot of this plays out like your average teen drama...which is weird for Riverdale. Part of the reason why I won't do a recap as such is that....I really don't like the fact that they used Emmett Till's story as their focal point. I get what they're trying to do on the broad scope for the season. It's obvious that, as Jughead put it, the events that happened in the episode caused a conversation to happen that normally wouldn't have happened in white suburbia 1950's. The thing is, they could have had a storyline about a racially motivated murder without using a real life murder and still had the conversation. In fact, I argue it might have been better because of the simple fact that I think the idea of Riverdale using actual events just scares the crap out of the audience as it usually doesn't go well. (I also was uncomfortable with the whole tying Veronica to James Dean thing, although not nearly as much as the Emmett Till).

So, yeah, most of the characters are similar to the characters we know; but not exactly the same. Veronica's parents are this reality's version of Ricky and Lucy (God!). Betty's parents are...Allice is just the 1950's version of Allice and Hal is....actually, Hal probably was my favorite in the episode (in a sort of WTF way). Mrs. Andrews has gone full on Stepford.

But there are some strange things happening. For one, Jason is gone and Julien is alive. And there's some strange things afoot (although really just a minor part, for now). Jughead does remember their past life and tries to convince the others by showing them their time capsule that, for some reason, has also ended up in this reality. Except for Jughead's beanie. Of course, nobody believes him and (I think this is a big plot point) twice they mention the possibility of him being locked up in the insane asylum like the others (I wonder if there will be others who remember).

But let's talk about the big moment at the end. Well, two moments that are important in Jughead's life. First off, the Tabitha of the 1950s does not know Jughead and, long story short, is basically written out of the show (she's leaving school for awhile). Then, at the end of the episode, we see another Tabitha. She is the Tabitha of our Riverdale, the Guardian Angel. And she tells Jughead that their plan to save Riverdale failed and that she used the last of her life force to throw everyone into this alternate reality. Yet somehow she's also working to untangle the timelines so that everyone can go back before the comet. Yeah...look, long story short, Tabitha isn't exactly being written completely out of the series at this moment...but it's also clear that we won't be seeing her much for awhile. And, yeah, this is a reset button...but who knows where it will reset to.

However, until Tabitha can untangle the timeline, the group from Riverdale must push this timeline toward justice. But they have to do it without their memories. Which means Jughead has to forget. So Tabitha kisses Jughead and he forgets after trying to write down his memories. But as he stumbles into his home, guess what pops up?

That's right, everybody's favorite beanie is back! And they way this series is going, it will probably be the big bad this season.

This episode...isn't as bad as I feared it would be; especially considering how well Riverdale usually handles sensitive topics. But I also don't get the hype that I've seen from some reviewers. I think they did see more then one episode; so maybe that will change. Maybe.

[rurpleplaysmuttingtonac]

In a bid to apologise for what he feared was an overreaction, Ricky had offered to play catch with Lucy.

He didn't really know her (or any of his fellow housemates) but he needed to make some effort to not be a rude jerk. Ricky was still a little suspicious of her but he was trying to look past that. They were all going to be trapped here for a indefinite amount of time, so it was worth trying not to alienate themselves from each other over nothing.

"You've got a good arm for throwing" he told her with a grin. He knew skill when he saw it.

Lucy grinned back, relieved that he was speaking to her again and that she'd not ruined her chances. "Well, I did play throwing games a lot with my brother when I was a kid."

Meanwhile, Benedict was still speaking to Kirstie, trying to get a read on her. Was she as innocent and unassuming as she looked or was she as bad as he was, trying to get under his radar?

"So, what do you do in town? You looked old enough to still be in uni."

"I'm working as a Lobbyist in Mayor Herriot's office" Kirstie said.

"Ah, so you're a woman with connections?"

"I suppose so, why do you ask?"

"No reason" he shrugged. "Just making polite conversation."

"You're not a murderer, are you? she asked suddenly, looking afraid.

He burst out laughing "What?! Of course not! What made you think that?!"

"Well, this is all...like odd. Mayor Herriot said that we weren't to come here, and I'm wondering if it's because it's dangerous-"

"I assure you, you aren't in any danger, not from me anyway" he told her calmly and smiling kindly at her. "You're welcome to leave at anytime."

"Well...if I don't leave, can I ask you more questions?" she asked excitedly.

He rose an eyebrow "My landlord agreed to help give us privacy here, that's all. A scary rumour around town was the best option we had. I ask that you don't reveal the secret."

"Why not?"

"Well, I could make you an offer...or a warning."

[jeanne-crains]

[myfavoriteredheadpodcast]

Today marks the 70th anniversary of the first day of filming for I Love Lucy in front of a live studio audience!

[elcomfortador]

This scene from the fourth episode of I Love Lucy, “Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her,” might feature the first gay joke in the history of the sitcom. Correct me if I’m wrong, of course, but it’s kind of mind-blowing that the show that wouldn’t allow its marred-IRL leads sleep in the same bed could nonetheless allude to gay stuff. It’s the focus of this week’s Gayest Episode Ever. It doesn’t suck, I swear!

[tinsley-goldsworth]

band-aids don’t fix bullet holes (chapter 2)

read chapter 2 on ao3 here! 

Summary: and as it turns out, c.c. finds himself returning back to ricky again. It’s almost like everything was coming full circle

Wc: 3384

~

C.C. never thought that he would ever hear Ricky’s name again, much less at a crime scene as a suspect. He didn’t want to believe that Ricky would commit such a terrible crime; he simply refused to but of course, he couldn’t explain why to the secondary. Instead, he pretended he didn’t know anything about Ricky Goldsworth and asked the secondary about the evidence that led back to him.

Apparently, Ricky was some sort of off the charts serial killer and criminal mastermind and he had been staying in a hotel nearby over the past couple of nights. He was seen walking in the streets at 10 pm and had been walking in the direction of the apartment. Cameras didn’t catch him walking into the apartment but a janitor at the hotel gave a description of a stranger who had entered the building towards the end of 10 pm and that description matched people’s descriptions of Ricky. The evidence wasn’t solid but it was enough to work with.

The secondary was clearly eager to work on the case as she had been bursting with energy since C.C. arrived at the crime scene but C.C. didn’t want her to know that Ricky was part of his personal life, or rather was part of his personal life. C.C. felt like Ricky was too reckless, almost like he wanted to get caught. He knew his friend would never miss a single detail when planning anything and recalled that Ricky was always adept at picking up the smallest details in cases that officials sometimes missed. So, if Ricky’s purpose of murdering the person was to get caught, why did he do it? Did he expect to get caught and not get convicted?

C.C. promised the eager secondary that he would investigate the case and told her that he would look into it and contact her if he needed any further help. The forensics team was already taking photos and talking amongst themselves about how bizarre the death was as C.C. slipped away. He went home and tried not to think about Ricky as he fell asleep, knowing he would have to face the facts eventually.

When he woke up the next day, he was reminded by emails from the forensics team about the body and groaned, not wanting to confront the notion that Ricky could be a serial killer. He reluctantly searched databases and scoured the internet for specific information about Ricky but no news article or record could spare specific details. The descriptions of him were relatively specific, but not specific enough for one to immediately pick him out of a crowd of people.

Most people described him as a “smooth, cunning, and wicked criminal” but nobody explicitly stated what he had done or what exactly he was infamous for. It was sort of implied through the word spread that if you got into trouble with Ricky Goldsworth, you were in deep deep trouble. Ricky’s reputation led to the assumption that he would have been caught before by the law but C.C. couldn’t find anything about Ricky in the police database. It was almost as if Ricky had wiped himself out of existence and made himself an urban legend for people to speculate about.

Yet, if Ricky was as cunning and smooth as people described him to be, why would he be so reckless in his recent murder? C.C. thought he knew Ricky and thought he would be able to answer all these questions, but maybe all those years spent with Ricky didn’t matter now that he was a completely new person. C.C. knew that in order to find out about Ricky, not even just for the purpose of solving the case, he would have to consult a person he knew who would know about Ricky: Francesca Norris.

Francesca now ran a tiny, cozy thrift store in a local town about half an hour outside of where C.C. lived so it wasn’t too much of a hassle to pay his old friend a trip. He was surprised Francesca decided to run a thrift store as she had always been set to become a spy when she was younger. But, if Francesca’s maturation into adulthood followed a similarly drastic change as Ricky’s, maybe she decided that being a spy wasn’t the best job for her.

The moment C.C. pulled into the thrift store’s small parking lot, he saw an unfamiliar car. The car seemed out of place and too exquisite and expensive to be in such a bland, average neighborhood. Whoever owned the car was probably extremely rich and spent their money extravagantly. C.C. found it strange that such a wealthy person would visit a local thrift store and deducted that the person probably had other motives other than thrift shopping.

As C.C. gently pushed opened the thrift store’s door, he heard voice gently waft through the air and silently moved closer to the direction of the voices to hear them better. He recognized Francesca’s voice and heard another voice that was deeper, presumably a middle-aged man’s.

“What were you thinking? Were you trying to get caught? The police are onto you now! You’re so reckless. Don’t make me clean up your mess.” C.C. heard Francesca chide, a stern tone in her voice. He peeked through the shelves of random trinkets and saw her behind a counter. The person she was talking to had their back faced to C.C. so C.C. couldn’t see his face.

“I wanted to get caught so I can talk to him again. I miss him a lot. Don’t worry, if they find me, I’ll escape,” The man replied and his voice washed over C.C. like a wave of cold water. The voice was sharp and rough and even though it had changed, the voice still was familiar to C.C.’s ears.

“If you’re certain this is going to work, I guess it’s fine. Just don’t make me have to bust you out of jail again.” C.C. was taken aback at Francesca’s reply. Again? What was Francesca up to? Why was she helping him escape? Was running a thrift store just a cover story for her real job? And what did he do that would land him in jail? Why did Francesca lie about not knowing where he was when C.C. asked? As C.C. turned around a corner, he tried to be as quiet as possible but accidentally knocked a book off of the shelf. He reached for the book attempting to catch it before it hit the ground but he was too slow.

Ricky and Francesca turned their heads and saw C.C. in an aisle, a shocked looking crossing both of their faces. For a detective, C.C. was a little too clumsy at times. Francesca’s surprised expression morphed into one of light humor, “Didn’t you say you wanted to talk with him. well, you can say whatever you wanted to say now that he’s right in front of you.”

“C.C., what are you doing here?” Ricky asked casually, acting as if he wasn’t just talking about killing a person to get the detective’s attention. Over the many years that had passed since C.C. saw Ricky, not much changed. Ricky still had beautiful almond eyes with a mischievous glint and the only thing that changed was what he wore. As a teen, Ricky never saw a reason to dress fancy and he would’ve laughed at himself as an adult because now, Ricky was wearing an elegant black suit, as if he was attending a business meeting instead of talking with his friend at a local thrift store.

“I, uh, actually came here to ask Francesca about you,” C.C. managed to not stumble over his words as he walked up to Ricky, feeling extremely out of place. He knew that he shouldn’t be prioritizing his personal life over work but he really wanted to know how Ricky was doing before arresting him. “I guess I should probably arrest me but..?”

“You want to hear me out? Haven’t you ever heard of the saying 'curiosity killed the cat’?” Ricky raised an eyebrow, his lips curling up in a familiar smirk. C.C. missed his friend’s sarcastic humor and quips that eased the tension and laughed a bit at the remark. Francesca noted that this conversation probably wasn’t for her to hear and made some excuse to quickly go into the storage room to give the two friends some privacy.

“So, Ricky, why exactly did you have to kill a person to get my attention?” C.C. attempted to sound humorous but there was a tense undertone in his voice. He just couldn’t seem to think of a good reason why Ricky would go to such an extreme for him. Oh wait, Ricky was probably a serial killer now and probably enjoyed killing people.

“I mean, it wasn’t only to get your attention. That guy also owed me a ton of money and never paid me back, not that I need it,” Ricky added the last part hastily, obviously a little reluctant to talk about his motives now that C.C. slipped back into detective mode. He didn’t seem too worried about being questioned, and he wasn’t brandishing a knife so C.C. was asking the right questions.

“That’s what you’ve been doing? Going on killing sprees and making loads of cash while you’re at it?” C.C. questioned incredulously. He was definitely letting some emotion control his questions as he still couldn’t bring himself to believe that this person used to be his best friend. Maybe he should’ve seen it coming due to Ricky’s obsession with serial killers and murder mysteries as a child.

“Well, kind of. It’s hard to explain,” Ricky shrugged nonchalantly, obviously not bothered by C.C.’s surprise. Ricky could not have given a vaguer answer and there was no way that C.C. was going to accept vague comments.

“Then explain,” C.C. sounded a lot braver than he felt as he literally was giving an order to a criminal who was extremely dangerous. But then again, that criminal was his best friend so he felt like his chances of being murdered on the spot were slim. Ricky hesitated for a moment with an amused smirk on his face, reminding C.C. of how Ricky used to jokingly steal C.C.’s pencils and give that same smirk when C.C. asked for them.

Ricky must still trust C.C. because he then proceeded to explain what he had been up to in the past couple of years, seeming to ignore the fact that he was a detective who probably could call this a confession of all his crimes. According to Ricky, his mother, Lucy Goldsworth, had always been part of the criminal world and he was expected to join as well to carry on the Goldsworth legacy. After high school, Ricky didn’t go to college and instead, went straight into the criminal industry. Thanks to his mother, he quickly rose to fame and was able to establish a bunch of relations. This led to him becoming one of the greatest and most mysterious criminal masterminds in the entire world. Of course, with fame came money so now, Ricky was probably richer than the Queen of England.

“What about you? What’s been up with you?” Ricky maintained a very calm attitude and he leaned against the counter, offering a politely inquisitive look. C.C. wondered how Ricky was able to maintain a cool and collected act.

“Nothing as exciting. I just finished up college and became a detective. No surprise there,” C.C. chuckled. The absurdity of the situation was slowly becoming normal as C.C. decided to just accept this new development and go with the flow. His eyes met Ricky’s again and he almost could find the old Ricky in those stunning eyes. Ricky’s lips were still arranged in a smirk but it was softer now with a quality of affection in it. His posture was relaxed and loose and for a moment, C.C. forgot about their jobs and felt like they were just two old friends catching up.

“I missed you a lot. I didn’t really know how to contact you so I kind of just went with the standard,” Ricky mimicked stabbing somebody, implying that his standard was straight-up homicide. He still talked in a joking tone and C.C. couldn’t help but snicker at his sarcastic remark.

“I missed you too but this isn’t the ideal situation to meet in. In terms of my job, I’m disappointed in your behavior but as your friend, I can’t say I’m not flattered you went so far to get my attention,” C.C. remarked, still carrying the sarcastic tone of the conversation. Ricky grinned and suddenly the room seemed a thousand times brighter than it had been before. For a moment, Ricky and C.C. just stood across from each other with giant smiles on their faces.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Ricky held out both his wrists, a confident gleam in his eyes. “You can arrest me. Don’t worry, I’ll find my way out.”

C.C. chuckled and clasped a pair of handcuffs over Ricky’s wrists. “That’s very reassuring.”

~

C.C.’s name was all over headlines the day after meeting Ricky and he received a lot of credit for catching such a notorious criminal. Ricky’s trial was a huge deal but somehow Ricky still seemed eerily calm at court. In fact, he even had a smile on his face during some part of the trial. Many newspapers dubbed Ricky as “a real-life Jim Moriarity” and even though he was famous before the trial, his fame really skyrocketed.

Within a week of being thrown in prison, Ricky managed to escape and murdered a couple of security guards on his way out of prison. To say the least, C.C. was surprised when Ricky showed up at his house two weeks after escaping, just enough time for the frenzy around him to die down. He had come home from another day at the office and had been feeling pretty tired after solving another case. When he walked into his kitchen, he saw Ricky sitting on his kitchen counter with his feet dangling and his hands lightly gripping the side of the counter.

“What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be killing people or something?” C.C. asked, deciding not to question how Ricky broke into his house. If Ricky managed to keep his criminal record in the police database mostly clean after murdering countless people, then breaking into somebody’s house was probably a piece of cake for him.

“Well, I missed you and wanted to pay you a visit. Also, I can’t believe how boring your fridge is. There’s no fancy champagne,” Ricky pouted as he slid off the counter and walked over to C.C. Ricky didn’t seem to want anything in particular from C.C. so C.C. let himself relax a bit and trusted that Ricky really wanted to catch up. As C.C. made dinner, they talked a bit about life and made up for all those lost years. Starting from that day, every Wednesday evening, Ricky would always be in C.C.’s home waiting for him to come home from work. Ricky shared a minimal amount of information about his job but still kept some details to himself, leaving some room for C.C.’s imagination to fill.

C.C. thought that his feelings for Ricky would disappear but his emotions proved him wrong. He found that the fluttery feeling he felt around Ricky many years ago resurfaced and C.C. caught himself constantly staring at his friend and admiring his looks. He memorized the smell of Ricky’s ridiculously expensive cologne and could probably sketch the shape of Ricky’s lips by memory. C.C. constantly blushed whenever Ricky was within ten centimeters of his body and realized that his crush on Ricky was blown up into full-on infatuation.

One day, as they were talking during dinner, Ricky brought up a question that changed C.C.’s life. They had been talking about some dull topic when Ricky suddenly paused, his face lighting up as an idea crossed his mind. C.C. recognized this look and had a feeling that he was about to propose something wildly dangerous and risky. “Hey, are you going to do something about it?”

“Wh-what? What do you mean?” C.C. was so startled by the bluntness of this question that he almost dropped his fork. Ricky rolled his eyes dramatically and placed both elbows on the table, resting his chin on the heel of his palm.

“You’re not so subtle with the staring, you know? Anybody could tell that you’re hopelessly in love with me,” Ricky laughed as he watched C.C. blush furiously, clearly embarrassed to be called out.

“I’m not?” C.C. sounded so uncertain and caught off guard, causing himself to feel more embarrassed and causing Ricky to burst into more peals of laughter.

“It’s been twenty years since you started crushing on me and you still won’t admit it? I guess I have to take things into my own hands,” Before C.C. could protest any further, Ricky stood up and placed his hands on the back of C.C.’s head and brought their lips together in a kiss. C.C. was stunned for a second before he reciprocated, kissing Ricky back. This was the moment he had been anticipating ever since he was a young teen and he couldn’t believe this was happening. At the moment, C.C. just let his body run on autopilot but his mind was scattered, running a million miles a minute and creating a string of fragmented thoughts.

When Ricky finally pulled away, C.C. already missed the taste of his lips. Before Ricky could ask anything, C.C. blurted out, “You’re really short, how did you manage that?”

“You’re sitting down you dense loaf of bread,” Ricky laughed and the tension in the room collapsed back into the comfortable feeling of affection. C.C. and Ricky didn’t explicitly place labels on their relationship; they just gravitated towards each other. At some point, they began kissing and cuddling and calling each other endearing nicknames. Francesca had stopped by a couple of times and congratulated them for finally getting together after all those years.

After a couple of months of dating, C.C. had gotten over the cognitive dissonance caused by the fact that he was a detective dating a criminal and let himself enjoy Ricky’s presence. As much as C.C. loved Ricky, he was still very unpredictable at times, like the time he asked another question out of the blue. They were laying in bed, comfortably nestled next to each other when Ricky asked, “Would you be willing to run away with me?”

“Run away with you? To where?” C.C. asked, running his fingers lazily through Ricky’s messy hair. At this point, C.C. wasn’t as surprised at Ricky’s spontaneous questions as he was before.

“Someplace far from here. And quieter, with less traffic and fewer people,” Ricky mused, curling closer to C.C. and pressing a gentle kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek. “I’m bored of this place.”

“That sounds amazing but would I have to quit my job? And how will we pull this off?” C.C. questioned, his curiosity getting the best of him again. Ricky was the only person who could deal with C.C.’s constant questions and found his curiosity adorable.

“Don’t worry, I’ll handle it. As for your job, you don’t have to quit if you don’t want to. You could just say you’re taking a super long break. I’ll find us a place to stay and arrange everything,” Ricky assured C.C., pressing a feathery soft kiss on his collarbone.

“Sounds good to me,” C.C. replied, smiling as he kissed the top of Ricky’s head. He drifted off to sleep with the cozy feeling of warmth and love surrounding his body and C.C. had never been more content.

~

taglist: @hot-mess-writer 

comment if you would like to be added to the taglist!

chapter three is out now!

[thenickelportrust]

I feels really bad right now because of "things that happend". Can you tell me what's the ros way of trying to cope with bad thoughts?? Maybe i can use some of them..

 I’m so sorry that you’re going through a rough time! Be sure to get lots of rest, drink water, and take care of yourself, ok, anon? I hope that everything ends up going as smoothly as is possible with your current situation, and hopefully this can cheer you up even the tiniest bit.

Finley: Finley usually turns to their friends when feeling down. Especially their best friend, Maris, they’ll talk to her if something’s up or even if they’re just feeling troubled. Talking about it or verbalizing it always helps them, and having someone they trust enough to talk about it with is a blessing. 

Raf: Honestly Trixie is such a sweetheart in times like this. He just loves to pet and cuddle with her when he’s feeling down and she’s more than happy to oblige if it means extra attention. Plus most animals seem to know when people are sad, and she’s definitely one of those animals who, when Raf is feeling down, will come and sit at his feet and just press a paw to his leg and meow until he picks her up.

Jacob: Jacob has a couple of methods depending on what it is and how down he’s feeling. His methods range between going to the dog park just to see the happy pups run around and maybe even end up playing with some of them, to sitting at home watching terrible (so-bad-its-good) movies all day (favorites include The Room and The Blob (1958 version) (though admittedly I’m biased on this one because The Blob is also my personal favorite so-bad-its-good movie. It’s the most funny, least scary, supposed-to-be-a-horror-movie-but-somewhere-went-wrong-now-we’re-watching-a-man-play-chess-over-the-radio-for-two-full-minutes-while-murderous-jello-gets-pushed-through-the-door-with-a-stick movie)),  and just doing whatever it is that usually makes him happy and laugh to try and lift his spirits.

Lucy: Lucy likes to distract herself with movement- even if she’s not jogging or doing any serious work-out she’ll just go for a walk if the weather is nice and just enjoy being outside and physically distancing herself from whatever it is that’s bothering her. Take a moment to distract herself with nature, listen to birds or even just the chatter of cars rumbling past the road. 

Yolanda: Yolanda is a big believer in self-care days, so she takes one of those. She’ll lounge in bed with a sweet and binge watch movies because sometimes you just need a rest from the world. Take a long, hot bubble bath where she can lean back and just relax and just recover.

Eileen: Eileen does something small for herself that she loves- she’ll bake something for herself or go out and buy some flowers or maybe even pull out a scrap of paper and just start doodling randomly. Little things that she loves to do that can cheer herself up.

Informant: The Informant likes to be around those close to him. Even if its not specifically to get off his chest what’s wrong or to talk about it, since he tends to prefer to deal with those things privately, he likes to spend more time around his few close friends when he’s feeling down. Just doing something that they’ll all enjoy.

Ricky:  Ricky is probably not the best person to follow for advice here because this, as in most things, he’s still a bit of a disaster child. He tends to bury himself in work and ignore his problems. But this can cause quite the build-up of bottled emotions and generally isn’t good for anyone. Normally it’s one of his cousins, usually Josie, who ends up noticing that Ricky’s gone radio silent and figures that something is wrong and ends up dragging him out of his work and forcing him to talk it out because they know that if he doesn’t then he’s not going to get any better. Josie’s a believer in tough love and her cousin is no exception to it.

V: All the Bayer Siblings’ rely on each other for this, really. They’re exceptionally close and know exactly how to cheer one another up. So they’ll take the others out for some Bayer Sibling-style fun. Maybe not as extreme as they might usually do, but still something to get the blood pumping and have some good fun. (Think a downplayed version of what any V might do on their own, so instead of a Death Derby Race they’ll just go roller skating together. It’ll still end up a competition between the three of them, but less fire and explosions. Fire is for already-happy-and-excited times, and everyone needs a calmer, fire-free, day to gather themself now and then.) 

[atvpodcast]

Episode 319: I Love Lucy

On this week's show, two reoccurring segments: the first return of "We Were Wrong About-- OR WERE WE?" (subject this time: Apple TV PLUS) and the final iteration of The Old Type about, inevitably, I Love Lucy. We discuss the episode "Lucy Does a Commercial" (which we all watched together) and then in turn the episodes "Lucy Thinks Ricky is Trying to Murder Her," "Job Switching," and "Lucy Meets Orson Welles." And speaking of our man Orson, here is the wine commercial outtakes reel of which we speak in the episode:

Trust me, you WILL want to watch it. Love, The Podcast. 

[twins-parted]

                                         Ship Aesthetics: Seth Trimble & Renée Healey

It was always more fun to stay over at Rennie’s house. Between the movie marathons, the girls using him as a makeup test dummy, the shopping, the gossip, the occasional binge drinking & chain-smoking sessions by the pool, & plotting murder before any of them could fall asleep ... the murder squad led very productive & leisurely lives. 

Between Glenda & Ren - - - Seth’s favorite gal pal & make-out buddy was Rennie. She was soft in a way Glenda was not & she could at least pretend Seth was the most interesting boy in the world for short periods of time. Rennie was no push over though, and her ‘ bad bitch IDGAF™ ‘ persona was the front she put up for the world. He liked that: a balance of no bullshit & a soft playful nature. It was a balance he nor Glenda could achieve in full.  

( If it hadn’t been for the fact she was ‘happily’ dating a guy named Damien, Seth might have been inclined to try his hand at real flirting in the hopes that it might go further. Except, the idea of losing she or Glenda’s love and support was too much to process and he always shut it down. )   

Now, reclining with his head against her shoulder waiting for Glenda to arrive - he allowed himself to think about what that might look like. He picked up her hand and turned it over in his own, admiring not only the glittery jewelry & acrylic nails - but the rich golden undertone of her tan skin. ( It was amazing that the only thing she’d gotten from her father had been the cerulean blue eyes, the raging mental issues & a penchant for homicide. ) He liked seeing the contrast between his death pallor and her robust warm skin tone ... It was pretty. 

When he bothered tuning back in - he let her hand go. 

Back to BFF mode, that was enough of his fantasy life: 

“ ... When’s Glenda getting here ??? “

He didn’t have to wait much longer as Rennie’s front door banged open with a forceful kick. Seth sat up completely, broad grin on his face as he and Rennie both opened their arms for a hug. Glenda stumbled through the foyer into the living room, and dropped her bags on the way. 

“ Lucy, Ricky ??? I’m home !!! “

The redhead launched herself into her friend’s open arms and the trio fell back against the couch: giggling, embracing & eventually talking over each other.

You didn’t have to tell Seth that these might be the best days of his life.  

“ I should go put some coffee on, right ??? “ He knew he didn’t have to ask. 

Rennie nodded gratefully as he padded into the spacious kitchen. 

Sometimes, when you were very best friends with someone, they didn’t have to ask you anything because you could pick up on it. He turned to add:

“ ... and hot chocolate for you, Glennie ??? “

He didn’t have to wait on another answer & set to work whistling all the while. 

[papermoonloveslucy]

DESILU DOG POUND

Canine Companions on Lucycoms!

Woof!  Open the kennels and take a look at all the dogs, pups, and canine pets in the Lucyverse!

In Annabel Takes a Tour (1938), Annabel (Lucille Ball) has a Terrier named Elmer. 

In The Big Street (1942), Gloria Lyons (Lucille Ball) has a lap dog she calls Baby. Pinks (Henry Fonda) rescues Baby from being run over by a car. 

Probably one of the most famous dogs on television was Fred the dog. Little Ricky's friend Billy Palmer gave him a puppy to take home in January 1957 and he became part of the Ricardo family. Landlord Fred Mertz tells Lucy and Ricky their lease prohibits pets, but he bends the rules when Little Ricky names his puppy Fred. 

LITTLE RICKY: “I always name my pets after people I like.”

Fred the dog was played by a Cairn Terrier named was Danny. He was trained by Bob Blair and was owned by Frank Inn. Danny also played Fremont, Mr. Wilson's dog on "Dennis the Menace" (1959-63). In films, he was Snuffy in Pal Joey (1957), Muffy in Anatomy of Murder (1959), and Pepe in the final Three Stooges short Sappy Bullfighters (1959). Fred the dog would make the move to Connecticut with the Ricardos, but is not seen or mentioned during “The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour” episodes.  While he was the most popular, Fred was not the only dog seen on “I Love Lucy”...

At the end of “Lucy Thinks Ricky is Trying to Murder Her” (1951), the very first episode of “I Love Lucy” filmed, a dog act makes an appearance.  An established vaudeville act, Hector and His Pals was also seen in the film Easter Parade in 1948. The dog trainer Hector, calls one of the dogs by its real name ‘Yorkie’. In the episode, the dogs are named Ann, Mary, Helen, Cynthia, Alice, and Theodore. Lucy hears the dogs’ names and thinks they are women Ricky is having an affair with - until she hears Theodore! 

In the third episode aired, Butch, Fred’s mutt (as far as we can guess) stays under the table hoping for scraps in “The Diet” (1951) and then never heard of again. Unbeknownst to the others, a starving Lucy crawls under the table with Butch to intercept any tasty morsels meant for the dog. 

Butch looks quite alarmed by the crazy lady under the table!

Sneaking into Richard Widmark’s mansion in “The Tour” (1955), Lucy hides under a bear rug - which just happens to be the favorite spot of Widmark’s St. Bernard Cap. 

In “Second Honeymoon” (1956), a lonely Lucy asks Rocky the Bloodhound if he wants to play ping pong. Randy Rocky is tempted away by a French Poodle on a stroll. 

Lassie, the most famous canine in Hollywood history, turned up on “The Desilu Revue” in 1959. The series was filmed at Desilu Studios. Lucy and Desi enlisted the participation of all the Desilu stars in their Christmas special. Lassie was first mentioned by Lucy Ricardo in “The Young Fans” (1952).

In the very first episode of “The Lucy Show” in 1962, Tiger the dog belongs to Lucy's neighbor and boyfriend Harry Connors (Dick Martin), who we will meet in episode two. A dog named Tiger was also featured on TV's “The Brady Bunch” (1969-1974). Here Tiger serves more as a plot device than pet. This is his one and only appeareance on the series. 

When “Lucy and Viv Learn Judo” (1963), the Carmichaels dogsit with Alvin, played by Hey!  The dog belong’s to Jerry’s friend Amy Schaffer. 

The final scene of the episode features a dozen dogs of various breeds, who come running at the silent sound of a dog whistle! 

In the first frame of the June 1963 “The Lucy Show” Gold Key comic book, Jerry brings home a shaggy dog which Viv mistakes for a monster!   

“Kiddie Parties Inc.” (1963) features Thunderbolt, a basset hound with more folds than an oragami swan. 

In “Lucy is Her Own Lawyer” (1964) ~ Lucy complains when Mr. Mooney’s barking sheepdog Nelson (played by Lord Nelson) keeps her up all night. He tells her to sue him, and she does. After making a mockery of the court proceedings by acting as her own attorney, she finally wins her case by cross-examining Nelson. The neighborhood canines include: 

Howard McAdams’ Pomeranian

Audrey Simmons’ Beagle 

Grandma Sutton’s Airedale

The Hamilton’s Police Dog

Nelson is the only dog to appear on screen, with voice actor Pinto Colvig providing the off-screen barks for the other dogs.

Lord Nelson (Nelson) makes his first appearance as Mr. Mooney’s dog. He will also appear in “Lucy’s Contact Lenses” and would go on to appear on “Here’s Lucy” as Bogie in “Lucy and the Bogie Affair”. From 1965 to 1967, he played Ladadog (aka Lad) on “Please Don’t Eat the Daisies” and reprised the role of Nelson on “The Doris Day Show” from 1968 to 1971.  

To keep Nelson in check, dog trainer Bob Blair plays the Bailiff. 

In “Lucy and Clint Walker” (1965) Lightning, a lethargic Basset Hound, has a propensity to fall asleep, much like his master did Frank Winslow (Clint Walker) in “Lucy and the Sleeping Beauty”.  

“Lucy Meets Mickey Rooney” (1966) has Lucy playing Charlie Chaplin in an acting school recital. The sketch features a mutt befriending the Tramp for his sandwich. 

“Lucy at the Drive-In Movie” (1969) has Lucy searching through the passion pit cars for Kim and her new boyfriend. She mistakes an Afghan Hound for a long-haired woman. 

In “Lucy and the Bogie Affair” (1969) Kim and Craig bring home a stray sheepdog (played by Lord Nelson) which they call Bogie because it has the same sad look standing in the rain as Humphrey Bogart does at the end of 1942's Casablanca.  

When Bogie turns out to be a she and gives birth to a litter of puppies, the Carters must find a home for the baby Bogies. 

Lucy tries to give one of the pups to exercise guru Jack LaLanne, but only ends up taking one of Happy’s pups. Happy was LaLanne’s real-life dog appearing with him on many of his television shows.

“The Bow-Wow Boutique” (1973) has Lucy, Kim and Harry opening a dog grooming business.  Their clients include: 

Louie, a French Spaniel

Winston, a Bloodhound

Teddy, an English Bulldog

Tiger, a Yorkshire Terrier

Tinkerbell, a St. Bernard

and an un-named Daschund

LUCY THE PUP

[comic-movieheroesranked]

Cinematic Comic Characters Ranked! (Year 2007) Part One

Seven movies were released during 2007 that make it on our list! Marvel’s debut of Ghost Rider started us off, followed by the incredible action film, 300! Up next was TMNT, the list’s first animated movie as well as the return of Spider-Man 3, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, and Alien vs Predator: Requiem! Also debuting is the horror film 30 Days of Night. Here’s #61 through 41!

Cameo Appreciation: Stan Lee (Spider-Man 3, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

Stan Lee graces us with his presence in both Spider-Man 3 and Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. In Spider-Man, Stan Lee shows up to casually give Peter Parker advice and in Fantastic Four, Lee actually recreates his scene in the comic where he tries and fails to get into Sue and Richard's wedding.

Cameo Appreciation: Uncle Ben, Norman Osborn/Green Goblin, Flash Thompson (Spider-Man 3)

Three characters from the previous films of the trilogy return. Norman Osborn shows up as another hallucination to further drive his son insane and Flash Thompson shows up to attend said son's funeral. Uncle Ben shows up when we learn how he truly died at the hands of the Sandman, which ends up being a total accident.

61. Wilson Bulosan, Carter Davies, Isaac Bulosan, and Helen Munson (30 Days of Night)

"They don't feel any bullets."

Unlike most of the citizens in Barrow that were murdered by the vampires, these four were a little more prominent plot-wise before they met their demise. Wilson and Isaac were a father/son duo that managed to hide out with the main group until Isaac, who's memory isn't the best, took off into the night. It's left uncertain what happened to him but its most likely he shared the same fate as Wilson, who was killed looking for him. Carter stayed with the group for awhile until he ended up turning in a vampire himself and volunteered to have himself killed. Helen, Eben's grandma, was the saddest death in the whole movie for me. I literally gasped when I realized she was dying through the walkie talkie.

60. Carrie, Drew, Darcy, Dale, and Tim (Alien vs Predator: Requiem)

"If you can find them in 30 minutes or less asshole."

These five characters obviously showed personality but were more obviously created to die. Drew is Ricky's strict boss at the pizza shop who gets snatched by aliens right after joining the group to the hospital. Darcy, who lost her son and husband at the beginning of the movie, mostly just watches Molly until she leaves with Morales to blow up in the center of town. Tim is Kelly's husband and it's obvious Molly was closer to him but he's the one that gets killed by an alien when it invades their home. Carrie is a pregnant waitress and is the first person we see the hybrid implant baby aliens into. Dale is Jesse's ex-boyfriend that likes to bully Ricky with his friends. He dies at the gun shop when the alien's acid blood destroys his face.

59. Daxos (300)

"I see I was wrong to expect Sparta's commitment to at least match our own."

Daxos lead the Greek men who volunteered to join the Spartans in their fight against the Persians. Not all of them were warriors so it was no surprise that when things got rough, they abandoned ship.

58. Galactus (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

*destroys planets*

Galactus doesn't really have a big role in this film. We see him destroy a planet in the beginning so we know he's capable of ending all life on Earth, but the Fantastic Four focus their time trying to stop the Silver Surfer before Galactus even arrives. When he does show up, the Silver Surfer manages to destroy him once and for all.

57. Theron (300)

"This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this. I am not you King."

I feel like Theron wasn't even hiding the fact that he hated Leonidas which is why the King and Queen thought so little of him. It isn't a shocker that he's working for the Persians but it does suck that he took advantage and raped Gorgo before then trying to make it seem like she was trying to commit adultery to the council. He died like a little bitch, which is all I could ask for.

56. The Stranger (30 Days of Night)

"They didn't take me!"

First strike is this asshole killed a bunch of beautiful dogs that did nothing to anyone! Second is he was rude to the Lucy as she tried to take his order, which is a personal pet peeve of mine, and three is he basically helped hand over the entire town to a bunch of vampires with the hopes of becoming one. So yes, I was very happy when they didn't turn him and just killed him instead.

55. General Hager (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

"So far, the only one I've regretted trusting here is you, Richard."

I don't know what this guy's problem is, but he made life way more difficult for the team. He really thought that his army could stop the Silver Surfer after the Fantastic Four failed? He really thought bringing in Dr. Doom was a great idea. Him dying at the hands of Dr. Doom is the biggest 'I told you so' you can get with this guy and what's even better is no one is surprised to find his body when they do.

54. Billy Kitka, Denise, and Lucy Ikos (30 Days of Night)

"They'll just think it was some horrible accident."

These three townspeople had a bit more focus than the rest. Denise and Lucy were the only two to survive, along with Jake and Stella, in the main group. They also helped put up a fight when Eben took on Arvin. Billy is the other sheriff that ends up killing his family so that they don't end up being slaughtered by the vampires. When the group takes on Arvin, it's Billy who pushes him into the grater, losing his hand and starting to change into a vampire. Eben kills him before he does and then uses his blood to turn into a vampire.

53. Jesse, Molly, Morales (Alien vs Predator: Requiem)

"There's a monster outside!"

Molly is actually one of the survivors but honestly, she only lives because her mom is a badass. Morales is the sheriff of the town and good friends with Dallas. It's clear he's trying to do whatever he can to save everyone, but his trust in the law is what causes his downfall. Jesse is the love interest of Ricky who travels with the group to find the helicopter at the hospital. She ends up accidentally getting killed by the Predator when he's fighting a pair of aliens.

52. Eddie Brock/Venom (Spider-Man 3)

"I like being bad. It makes me happy."

Wow, I never thought I'd hate anyone in this trilogy as much as Harry, but then they introduced Eddie Brock. He's selfish, overly dramatic, and is quick to play victim and blame others when he deals with the consequences of his own actions. He's even petty enough to pray for the death of Peter at church. Like, who does that? With all his hate towards Peter it only makes sense that he gets infected with the symbiote and becomes Venom. He teams up with Sandman to take Peter out in this big flashy way, but ultimately fails once Peter figures out Venom's weakness and throws a goblin grenade to destroy it. What does Brock do? He jumps after the grenade...as if his human hands could've stopped it. Obviously his death was for the best.

51. Jake Oleson (30 Days of Night)

"No one's touching him."

Eben's little brother and one of the youngest people who stayed around Barrow during the attack. He witnesses his grandma die in front of him and he eventually takes out a vampire himself, although the vampire is just a little girl. When Eben isn't around, Jake takes charge in leading the group to safety and is one of the town's few survivors once the month is over.

50. Captain Raye (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

"Not interested."

This girl has a lot of nerve criticizing Johnny when she works for a general who is a complete idiot. She acts like she isn't interested when Johnny tries to make the moves on her but at the end of the movie she ends up being his date at Richard and Sue's wedding.

49. Gressil, Wallow, and Abigor (Ghost Rider)

"He's not so tough."

These three are fallen angels that can now become three different elements: Ground (Gressil), Water (Wallow), and Air (Abigor). One by one they face Ghost Rider and one by one they're killed by him. He burns Gressil and Abigor with his chain, althouh he has to get creative with Abigor, and evaporates Wallow with his flames. None of them really stood a chance and died pretty quickly.

48. Ephialtes (300)

"Yield, Leonidas! Think of your men, I beg you!"

A deformed Spartan that wants nothing more than to serve Sparta as a soldier. Due to his deformity, however, Leonidas denies him this request as he'd end up putting his men in danger. Ephialtes ends up betraying the Spartans by working with Xerxes. I, like Leonidas, also hope he ends up living forever so that he can never die in battle like a true Spartan warrior.

47. Astinos (300)

"You still here?"

Astinos is the pretty and youthful son of the Captain. He can hold his own during battle, even taking out a freaking rhinoceros before it comes barreling down on the Spartans. He's one of the first main Spartans to die, getting decapitated by a Persian when he wasn't paying attention.

46. Alicia Masters (Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer)

"We're different and we're still happy!"

Alicia really fits into the team's dynamic really well. Her relationship with Ben is going great, the two can't get enough of each other and she's bonded with the other members as well. From helping settle Sue's wedding day nerves, to calling out Johnny about wanting a serious relationship, Alicia really did look like she's been with the team for years.

45. J. Jonah Jameson, Robbie Robertson, and Miss Brant (Spider-Man 3)

"Where's my photographer?"

With the wrap of this particular trilogy I decided to add Robbie and Miss Brant along with Jonah Jameson. They're the only two that seem to not bend to Jonah's will, with Robbie pciking fights with him on what stroy gets published and Miss Brant reminding him to take his medicine. As for J. himself, he still hates Spider-Man but also still features him whenever he can. He also gets hustled by a little girl, which is fun to watch.

44. General Mono, General Serpiente, General Aguila, and General Gato (TMNT)

"We are immortal and made of stone."

The four generals that served Max Winters three thousand years ago when he was a powerful warlord. They were also the price he had to pay for immortality and turned into stone for those three thousand years. So while he got to live and later discover that immortality was a curse, they were just stone. So I kinda get why they turned on him, no one wants to just die as soon as they break free from their curse. Still, the turtles defeat them and send them into the portal leading to the other dimension.

43. Barton Blaze (Ghost Rider)

"When you do things without thinking you ain't making a choice, the choice is making you."

You know Johnny's dad likes to lecture him a lot about dumb decisions despite the fact that he continues to smoke cigarettes even though he's dying of lung cancer. He really hates the idea of Johnny and Roxie being together so young and doesn't get the chance to change his mind after Mephisto kills him during his circus act.

42. Ricky (Alien vs Predator: Requiem)

"Fire him."

I liked Ricky. He wasn't really an outcast he was just picked on by Dale and his friends because of his obvious connection with Jesse. When the aliens attack, Ricky follows his brother in hopes of survival. He gets upset when Jesse dies and tries to attack the Predator, which ends up getting him impaled by the Hybrid. Still he manages to escape with his brother, Kelly, and Molly.

41. Iris, Arvin, and the Little Girl Vampire (30 Days of Night)

"I'm done playing with this one."

Out of all the vampires rolling with Marlow, these three were the main ones popping up. The Little Girl Vampire was only in one scene but she really disturbed the group with her young appearance before they killed her. Iris was Marlow's second in command and was always by his side as they stalked their prey throughout the town. She meets her end when Eben manages to turn on Helen's ultraviolet lights on her, burning her so badly that Marlow gives her a sympathy kill. Arvin was one of the most vicious vamps, ruthlessly killing a lot of the townspeople before following Billy to the main group's hideout. Eben and the group struggle to take him on until Billy shoves him in a giant grinder.

[wigwurq]

WIG REVIEW: TWIN PEAKS - THE RETURN

The awful wigs you like are going to come back in style this summer! Twin Peaks, land of mighty good coffee and awful awful wigs are back, and with them some new bad wigs that we waited 25 years for! 

As there are 18 episodes, I will be updating this post as new episodes air (and adjusting if the show’s wigs wurq as a whole or not). Now let’s journey back to the Black Lodge and discuss:

EPISODE 1 

Good Dale is still stuck in the Black Lodge, while Bad Dale is driving a fancy car, hanging with teenage randos, and having a party in the front (and back!) with the worst male wig this side of John Travolta’s everyday life. 

This wig is the kind of thing you’d pick up at Ricky’s to be a shaggy vampire for Halloween. OOF. The only thing more disturbing than the wig, is of course Special Agent Dale Cooper’s crispy tan which is the second most disturbing tan by an evil dude on tv (Trump's still #1). 

However, Bad Dale’s new life did lead us to the clear star of the show: BEULLA! Glamour, fashion, and beauty wrapped into one. 

Elsewhere in non-wig storylines, some random teenager in NYC is getting it on with Grace from The Nanny and getting mauled to death by glass box ghosts (YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO, IDIOT!), some nosy neighbor in South Dakota is implicating Matthew Lillard in a librarian murder, Ashley Judd is helping Tony from West Side Story run the Great Northern and Dr. Jacoby is serving double sunglass reveals while getting some sweet new shovels. Obvs? Meanwhile, the Log Lady, now the victim of female hair loss, decides to get on the horn about Dale Cooper. I have to say, this might be the one wig that wurqs in the episode and it’s not technically a wig but a baldcap with some wisps on it. Still, carry on Log Lady - please never change no matter how much hair you lose. Your Sally Jessy Raphael eyewear is still everything. 

The recipient of the Log Lady’s call is none other than Hawk, the most credible member of the Twin Peak’s sheriff service. Michael Horse’s glorious locks are obviously not a wig but let us all luxuriate in them regardless. And let us NOT miss Michael Ontkean who showed his homophobic truth by trying to block his gay movie Making Love from being a part of the documentary masterpiece The Celluloid Closet. SASHAY AWAY FOREVER!

EPISODE 2

This episode doesn’t offer us much more in the way of wigs, but we do get far more intimate with Bad Dale’s awful wig.

This look is decidedly tan Glenn Danzig all the way.

The most upsetting reveal about this wig is that it has a half ponytail involved. NO THANK YOU.

Back in the Black Lodge, Good Dale meets up with old friends Leland, Mike, and Laura Palmer herself - none of which are wearing wigs and none of which seem to have aged at all (though Laura is moonlighting as a lamp so maybe that’s why). Good Dale also meets up with a wise Tim Burton tree who explains that Bad Dale has to come back to the Black Lodge in order for Good Dale to leave. Seems legit, but unfortunately Bad Dale is busy murdering his girlfriend. 

Sorry, gurl. 

We end the episode at the roadhouse where an ubercool indie band is playing for some reason. The lead singer has a pretty wiggy look but all signs point to a dye job. 

We also see the triumphant return of Sherry, whose (wigless) salty mom posse involves none other than Gia Carides, aka LIZ EFFING HOLT FROM STRICTLY BALLROOM! YAYS! CAN I DRINK WITH YOU GUYS?

EPISODE 3

We begin with Good Dale shape shifting through space, meeting a nice lady with no eyes who falls into the void and another lady who points us in the direction of a steampunk electrical plug to the outside world. But do we want to go out there?

We soon discover that the “real world” involves another Cooper doppelganger - Nevada’s own Dougie - who wears a mustard-colored blazer, knows a nice prostitute, vomits creamed corn, and has a terrible wig.

Seriously, I don’t know if the wig budget on this show was given to eye-covering prosthetics or what but clearly they skimped on the wigs. Just seriously depressing stuff - I’ve seen more believably realistic wigs in haunted houses. Speaking of haunted houses, Dougie gets whisked into the Black Lodge and implodes into a sea of black smoke (I finally understand Lost?) Regardless, bye bye, terrible wig! 

Elsewhere, Bad Dale and his bad wig are trying not to barf their way back to the Black Lodge while living through the worst Lincoln commercial ever. It’s unclear where Bad Dale ended up, but Good Dale shapeshifts his way back into Dougie’s life - for better or worse?

Finally, Hawk gives us the best “do not disturb” sign ever (donut disturb 4evr) while he and his luscious locks try to run the Twin Peaks sheriff’s department basically with absolutely no help from anyone else. Ok maybe the donuts helped.

EPISODE 4

Good Dale Cooper is living his life as Dougie Jones, whose son is future/current(?) cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones. Cooper is learning to do everything again, from dressing himself to drinking coffee while assisted by frazzled wife, Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper has been discovered covered in creamed corn in South Dakota and his old boss, Gordon Cole (as played by David Lynch) has to look into the matter, but not without an assist from everyone’s favorite trans FBI agent, Denise Bryson.

Denise, like a fine wine, has aged well. As strong and confident as ever, and looking damn fierce.

Compared to the wig David Duchovny wore in the original series, this wig is a serious upgrade. Defrizzed and oh so quaffed, it’s a dignified thing of beauty.

We do get into a grey area here, wig-wise, however. It has been my intent on this blog to never review wigs that we know as an audience to be wigs (thus why I sadly never review RuPaul’s Drag Race).  Denise’s wig in the original series was definitely a wig within the narrative of the show, since Denise (nee Dennis) had only recently come to the conclusion that he was trans and started donning a wig and dressing as a woman.

25 years later, who is to say if Denise is wearing a wig or if we are to believe that this is supposed to be her own hair? Far be it for us to tell Denise what to do with her coiffure so it becomes difficult to judge this as a wig or not. If we are supposed to believe it is a wig, then yes - it’s a good wig within the narrative! If we are supposed to believe it is hair...well it’s not perfect. It certainly looks like a wig, albeit a good wig. As I’ve said time and time again, only if a wig looks like real hair does it truly wurq.

Still, as a character, Denise WURQS so amen to her regardless.

And can I get an amen for Wally Brando? Wigless though he may be, he is a the only possible child of Andy and Lucy. May your shadow always be with us. 

EPISODE 5

We begin this episode as Good Dale Cooper tries to navigate the world in the body of Dougie Jones. For some reason, no one is bothered by the fact that Dougie is basically a walking zombie, from his frazzled wife to all of his coworkers.

Just a guy super stoked for coffee with little ability to function in society - nothing to see here!

Back in Twin Peaks, a wigless Shelly and Norma are looking FINE AS HELL and seem to not have aged a day.

Also Shelly’s daughter (perfectly cast as Amanda Seyfried) has an asshole boyfriend (as played by the asshole brother from Get Out, who is really making a name for himself in the world of asshole characters). 

Oh and obviously, Dr. Jacoby runs an extreme lefty webseries out of his cabin, and whose #1 fan is obviously Nadine:

Who is still lookin’ like the spectacular nutbar we all love.

The only wig of the week is the nightmare on top of Bad Dale’s head. Even behind bars, this wig is wreaking havoc much in the way Bad Dale is hisself! Nope.

EPISODE 6

Most of this episode concerns itself with the increasingly poor decisions of Dougie Jones and with every misadventure, I just long for Good Dale Cooper to wake the hell up! We are also introduced to a slew of new characters. Twin Peaks is truly beginning to get as sweaty with characters as Game of Thrones and winter is friggin’ coming. 

We meet Bathazar Getty, whose early career was spent being an off-brand Liev Schreiber and who has somehow morphed into an off-brand Henry Rollins. He played some coin magic on off-brand young Nicolas Cage (who is in a dead heat for worst Twin Peaks character with Deputy Chad). 

We also revisit our favorite trailer park manager, Harry Dean Stanton, who is an ageless angel.

The only wig this week comes in the form of a lounge lizard played by none other than Laura Dern. 

We are only given one scene with this wig so I don’t have the information necessary to review it properly. In other words - if this wig is supposed to be real hair, it is obviously terrible. But if it is supposed to be a wig as I suspect since David Lynch lounge lizards are usually wig-wearers (see: Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet), then whatever - you do you, Laura Dern! 

(And you always do.)

EPISODE 7

Ugh, wake up Good Dale Cooper! The boring misadventures of Dougie Jones continue in this episode, though he does disarm a little person assassin “like a cobra” so I guess this is progress.

Meanwhile, Gordon Cole visits Diane and we don’t get much more information about her or her wig. Though Diane in general is a mystery. Throughout the original series, she was a faceless secretary that Dale sent daily messages to. Now, whether or not she is trying to pass this platinum wig off as real hair remains the #1 mystery of Twin Peaks. But I’m guessing it’s a wig (within the narrative of Twin Peaks) so whatever. It’s a bad wig allowed to be bad. 

Though now that we have seen her retro cool apartment, I think I know Diane’s backstory:

She’s obviously a latter-day Iona (from Pretty in Pink) who, rather than dating a yuppie (yuck!) decides to take a secretarial job for the FBI while the record store industry dwindled in the early 90s, stopped hanging out exclusively with teenagers, and started calling herself Diane. MAKES PERFECT SENSE. 

Both chicks have an affinity for platinum wigs, apartments with Atomic/kitschy details, and DRAMA.  Well that’s one mystery solved! You’re welcome, internet. #prettyinpeaks  

Anyhoo, Diane (nee Iona) visits Bad Dale in the clink and it was a regular wigout party of nonsense.

I feel like when two bad wigs meet like this, something meaningful should happen, like the Black Lodge imploding or getting to spend more than 5 minutes with any of the original characters.

Instead, we are gifted like 20 minutes of Ashley Judd (bless her, but STILL) following a mysterious sound around the Great Northern. And seeing the roadhouse being swept for what must have been 3 hours. 

We end with Bad Dale getting sprung from the clink by uttering the magic word: STRAWBERRY! Not to be confused with Carol Channing’s magic word, RASPBERRY. Watch out, world: Bad Dale and his bad wig are on the loose!

EPISODE 8

We have so many questions going into this episode, but before any of them can be answered, we have to hear from THE Nine in Nails! The dream of the nineties is alive in Twin Peaks, and this part was a damn nightmare. NEXT!

Bad Dale Cooper, fresh from being sprung from jail, gets shot down by his partner in crime. Is this the last we will FINALLY see of him and his horrendous wig? Probably not, because some ash covered garbage people come over and seem to revive them. Who are these ashy garbage dudes? For answers, we (OBVIOUSLY) travel to B&W New Mexico in 1945.

There, an atomic bomb gives life to these soot monsters, a bug/frog combo, and, of course, BOB! 

Meanwhile, in what might (?) be the same steampunk universe where that eyeless lady that Good Cooper encountered that eyeless chick back in Episode 3, our favorite friendly giant and some chick with some serious costume jewelry and eyebrow tweezers watch these ashy garbage dudes and then are gifted a golden blob with the face of Laura Palmer on it.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! J/k j/k I have no idea what is happening. On the wig front, I will say that costume jewelry eyebrow tweezer lady has a pretty sweet finger curl wig. 

Fast forwarding to New Mexico in 1956, we meet a young couple who deliver some incredibly stilted dialogue at one another. Their costumes also suggest a high school play that is set in the 1950s but they only go shopping for costumes at the GAP. We’ve all been there. Doesn’t wurq. Also, I’m not sure what pincurl nonsense is happening on this chick’s head but it is neither historically accurate or attractive. NOPE.

Anyway, ash zombie #1 decides to go on a quest for a cigarette light, which obviously turns into a bloodbath.

I will say this much: this terrible 50s wig deserved to GO. All hail ash zombies! 

EPISODE 9

Bad Dale Cooper lives! All hail ash zombies?? I don’t know if it’s the zombie makeover or what but this is the BEST this wig has every looked. 

Sadly, this is short-lived as Bad Dale Cooper meets up with his accomplices/Academy Award Nominated Actors Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh and this terrible wig gets cleaned up and its half pony tale back and it looks awful again. UGH. Side note: Tim Roth’s denim jacket with the cut off arms IS THE LEWK. 

Back in Twin Peaks, Lucy and Andy are chair shopping (#TeamBeigeChair) and the sheriff A-team (SCREW YOU AND YOUR LUNCH, CHAD!!!) are doing some detecting. They pay Bobby’s mom a visit, where she reveals a super cool chair hiding place (maybe get this chair, Lucy and Andy?) and a secret message from beyond. Dun dun dun! 

And as always, Diane and her Pretty in Pink Iona wig are KILLING IT as always in fashion and correct opinions. It still remains a supreme mystery as to if Diane is trying to pass this off as real hair, but regardless: let the lady smoke. She’s been through enough! It IS a f*cking morgue! 

In the end, we meet some teenage heroin addicts/vampires(?) with awful hair which is likely just awful hair and not wigs. They also have serious skin ailments that I never want to see again. Let’s just maybe never see them again. Please?

EPISODE 10

We are officially more than halfway through this series and no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones in favor of Good Dale Cooper. Wake the hell up, Coop! (Tho dang, you’re looking good - and Janey E agrees!) Otherwise, this episode is pretty much all about domestic abuse and its witnesses. Seen here: a wigless Harry Dean Stanton having some guitar “me” time which was ruined by Shelly’s daughter and her terrible boyfriend...

Can you guys please be quiet so HDS can play his damn guitar in peace?!?! Side note: domestic abuse begets domestic abuse: does this remind anyone of Shelly and Leo?

But the scumbag of the week (and the millennium?) definitely goes to Richard Horne. Not to be outdone by hit-and-run child murder, this week he gave us trailer park murder and familial abuse/robbery all while the Teddy Ruxpin of nightmares above must bear (get it?) witness. Oh and yes - we see what you did there with that glowing orb head, David Lynch.

Of course, scumbags love company and OF COURSE Richard Horne is in cahooks with Deputy Scumbag, Chad, who he asks to intercept his trailer park murder victim’s blackmail letter. WE HATE YOU CHAD. Luckily, Lucy is totally on to Chad. #TeamBeigeChair4Ever

Back in Vegas (UGH), Tom Sizemore is setting Dougie up with the help of these wigless, flaky cocktail waitresses. The fact that these three didn’t somehow break into song sorta surprised me. 

The mazel of the week def goes to Nadine, who finally has her silent drape empire in the form of her storefront, RUN SILENT RUN DRAPES. Way to make your lifegoals a reality, gurlfriend! She’s also obsessed with Dr. Jacoby’s vid-blog, but obvs.

We also get some more news from the Log Lady - Laura Palmer is the ONE! Whatever that means? It has been brought to my attention that my previous assessment of this being a good wig may be false - the actress who portrayed her, Catharine E. Coulson, died of cancer shortly after reprising this role. So this is likely her actual hair. I stand corrected! Just goes to show you that just when you think you’ve found a good Twin Peaks wig - it turns out to be real hair. Nothing is as it seems in Twin Peaks but we can always count on the continuity of bad wigs? With this new information - this episode is entirely wigless! Why am I even writing this?!?!

Maybe just to rejoice in the epic performance of Rebekah del Rio (no relation to Bianca, sadly) who we all know and love from Mullholland Drive. Bitch is in straight up Black Lodge cosplay and it WURQS.

EPISODE 11

The more we watch this show, the fewer and fewer wigs we seem to get. And the more we realize we are just stuck with Dougie Jones. Wake up, Good Coops!

Anyway, this week the domestic violence from last week’s episode got particularly EXTRA when Amanda Seyfried decided to amp her Lifetime Movie life up to 11 and get a gun, demand her mom come over with her car, take the car, almost run her mom over, and go shoot at her two-timing, d-bag of a husband. I seriously think I saw this movie starring Tori Spelling a few different times on Lifetime but David Lynch makes it SO MUCH MORE ARTY.

Great hiding place, you guys! Also, why yes that IS GERSTEN HAYWARD, aka Lara Flynn Boyle’s lil sis who is great at piano! 

This did lead to a pretty sweet family reunion at the RR though seriously, Bobby, just arrest your daughter’s husband already.

This reunion was briefly interrupted by coin enthusiast/fake Henry Rollins, Balthazar Getty who OF COURSE is going out with Shelly. You make bad dude choices, Shelly! Why am I suddenly rooting for Bobby?!?!

Oh and also there was a sudden diner shootout followed by passenger seat exorcism, because: Twin Peaks.

The only wig of the week was brought to us by pillar of effervescence, Diane. The jury is still out (and will forever be out?!) on if she is trying to pass this wig off as real hair, but I give up: you just do you, Diane.

And also please continue to sit on stools while the rest of the world sits on chairs. Is that thing from Blaine? Anyway, you’ll always be on a pedestal to us. 

After an some map detective work from Hawk and another call from the Log Lady, an otherworldly vortex sighting, and an unfortunate Matthew Lillard cranial injury, we end the episode in the weirdest Se7en parody ever but hey: there’s always room for cherry pie?

Oh, and god bless you and your fabulous makeover, random casino garbagelady! You look so sparkly! 

EPISODE 12

Why am I still updating this blog post? Why am I still watching this show? Why is it taking everyone five extra minutes to say what they need to say and why am I falling asleep? These are all questions I had during this episode. Not much happens - and slowly. We did get to see some old, familiar faces, though. Our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, had a grocery store meltdown about turkey jerky (AS ONE DOES) and we finally got a visit from Audrey Horne!

Sadly, it appears that Audrey did NOT marry eyebrow plucking enthusiast Billy Zane in favor of a really grumpy little person named Charlie. Audrey HATES Charlie and all his goddamned paperwork, especially when she needs him to get up and go to the roadhouse with her to find her missing lover, NO MATTER HOW TIRED HE IS.

UGH, Charlie. As with all scenes in this episode, this scene is about 10 minutes too long, and at no point was there any mention of how Audrey’s son killed a kid and tried to kill a lady (CHARLIE IS GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH PAPERWORK TO DO OVER THAT). However, I would have gladly watched Audrey Horne dance to a jukebox for 10 minutes.

Speaking of scenes that go on too long - THIS BITCH. Seriously, how long does it take you to GET THE EFF OUT of a room when Miguel Ferrer has some important business with David Lynch?!

The only wig in the episode remains to be the enigma that is Diane’s wig. I have previously stated that we may never get the information we need to judge this wig and if it is trying to be real hair or not so again: I give up. You just keep doing you, Diane. LET’S ROCK!

EPISODE 13

EPISODE 13 YOU GUYS. I have been updating this long-ass blog post FOREVER and we’re no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones!! He is even now gifting his family with nice cars and gym sets so it feels like he’s not going anywhere. WHY WHY WHY. Wake the HELL UP, DALE COOPER!!!!

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper is looking rougher and rougher ever since his Woodsman reincarnation - he is now truly a garbage person. And his wig is still absolute trash. 

This week did test our loyalties in that we found ourselves in an arm wrestling match of the damned and were sorta rooting for Bad Coop against some other garbage people. Coop was victorious (sorry about your face, bro), but with that wig, we are all still losers.

In other bizarre hair news, what the hell is up with Ed’s hair?! This is NOT a wig but I really want to know who was driving the train with this hair “style” if you can even call it that. Looks like some pretty good soup, though. 

Oh, and apparently James can sing in falsetto? Wonders never cease. Still no sign of Lara Flynn Boyle who may be our only salvation at this point. We are all Sarah Palmer watching the same boxing match over and over again hoping for salvation. Maybe next week?

EPISODE 14

We are on the last lap of this show, and things are (sorta, kinda) coming together. Thanks (of course?) in part to the oldest Bond girl, Monica Bellucci, and the prophetic dream Gordon Cole had about her. The puzzle pieces seem to be fitting now. Thanks, Monica! Oh but wait - WHO IS THE DREAMER?! With every answered question comes a new question. 

Luckily, Diane is on the case and ready to drop some KNOWLEDGE AND GLAMOUR on everyone. Like her wig, Diane is an enigma. Unlike her wig (which is still not identified as a wig or not within the narrative - SIGH), Diane is full of super useful information. Dougie and Janey E you say? Oh she just so happens to be Diane’s estranged half-sister! OBVS! Not since Game of Thrones have we had such a convenient familial lineage. Just don’t eff it up, Las Vegas FBI! 

In other law abiding news, Lucy and her gravity defying hair are still the best and she and Andy once took a trip to Bora Bora! UGH seriously guys - bring back Wally Brando. Oh, and the worst sheriff (and second worst character), CHAD, was finally read for filth and locked up for being the worst - just in time for the good sheriffs to take a ROAD TRIP! 

Like most hikes in Twin Peaks, this one involved beautiful scenics, paternal nostalgia, putting dirt in your pockets (OR ELSE), discovering a naked woman with no eyes, and teleporting via creepy vortex into a B&W steampunk nightmarescape and hanging with a giant. I can’t wait for the TripAdvisor review!

Andy was the lucky recipient of the teleport trip and seriously: can this dude PLEASE STAR IN A BIOPIC OF STAN LAUREL? Just saying. Anyway, he met up with our favorite jolly (non-green) giant who sadly didn’t start singing the most appropriate Dolly Parton song for the moment: “Me and Little Andy” but instead revealed his name is not ??? but really THE FIREMAN. Seems legit. Andy also got some cool recaps of past episodes via a steampunk skylight and returned back to earth to keep that eyeless lady safe. 

Speaking of Dolly Parton songs, why was “I Will Always Love You” not playing during this scene??

Lots of missed opportunities, song-wise, but luckily Lucy had some PJs on hand for the eyeless lady from that time the dog got loose. Seriously, I would love to see an entire TV series about Lucy and Andy’s throwaway lines. Showtime: make this happen.

Despite Lucy’s PJ makeover, eyeless lady still has to be locked up with Chad (UGH) and some drunken guy bleeding from his mouth who may or may not be that dude Billy who Sherilynn Fenn and every rando at the roadhouse is always talking about.

Speaking of random characters, David Lynch decided that he still needs to be introducing new ones so meet British Jimmy, who has a magical glove not unlike basically all Marvel superheroes, a destiny only met in Twin Peaks, and a penchant for revealing his entire backstory when it’s his coworker’s birthday. Welcome to Twin Peaks, rando!

We end with our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, who just wants to have a goddamned Bloody Mary in peace (DON’T WE ALL) without being verbally assaulted by the new worst character in Twin Peaks: a-hole in the TRUCK YOU shirt. Well truck YOU, bro: Sarah Palmer has a soot monster vortex inside her and will quite literally pull your throat off. Sayonara! This is why it’s safer to drink at home watching violent TV. Lesson learned.

EPISODE 15

Hello from officially the longest blog post on this blog (and maybe in the history of the internet?) Are you guys still there? Are we all still watching? We are officially in the final stretch and things continue to come together....sort of. We begin with Nadine, gold shovel in hand, as she finally digs herself out of her marriage which apparently was still intact after all these years! She finally lets Big Ed go. 

Which means Ed and Norma are finally getting hitched! Halleluj! You totally cried about this, admit it. (Sure we cried about Ed’s haircut too but no matter).

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper and his evil, horrible wig are still up to no good. Also his leathery skin is getting worse and worse by the episode. He rolls up to the gas station of ghostmares and tries to get a meet and greet with Phillip Jeffries (aka David Bowie - RIP!)

The gatekeeper is this broad who is definitely giving Beulla (see: Episode 1) a run for her money in the category of AGELESS GLAMOUR. 

BD Cooper also runs into our least favorite Twin Peaks resident/his possible son, Richard Horne and tells him to get in the car: road trip! Oh and speaking of residents of Twin Peaks we don’t like, Becky’s husband probably killed hisself?

Speaking of death, Dougie maybe just killed hisself? I mean, it’s a modern miracle that he hasn’t already but seriously: get out the way, bitch! Bring back Good Dale Cooper! If he didn’t kill hisself, I guess we all need to prepare for Dougie’s sequel: Electric Dougieloo

Finally, one of our very FAVORITE Twin Peaks residents, Margaret, aka The Log Lady, bid us adieu (as did Catherine Coulson, the woman who played her.) SOB!

We feel ya, Lucy. (Insert sobbing emojis)

EPISODE 16

We’ve come to the last 3 episodes and everything is coming together. The father-son road trip of the century comes to the only possible ending: with Richard Horne being sent up to a rock to be electrocuted. Sayonara, you terrible person! Oh, and yes: Bad Coop was your dad. See ya!

Bad Coop alerts Diane and her still mysterious wig, and suddenly Diane has an acid flashback to all the bad bad stuff that Bad Coop did to her. She recounts the upsetting tale to Gordon and Co and also reveals one more thing: BITCH IS A TULPA! 

And with a bullet to the head, she returns to the Black Lodge to bring it some extra retro fabulousness. Byeeeeeee!

Meanwhile, Dougie Jones (UGH) is in a coma after electrocuting himself. And then, just like that....FINALLY AGENT COOPER WAKES HISSELF UP!

SERIOUSLY. 

Also, thanks for the finger sandwiches, Mitchum Bros! Oh and sayonara to Oscar nominees Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh (and her excellent collection of mini Cheetos bags) during the neighborhood watch shootout of the millennium. 

Coop tells the Mitchum Bros to fire up the private jet (seriously thank goodness for these dudes)...he’s headed back to Twin Peaks! Yayys! He also says byeeeee to Janey E and our favorite mini cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones. 

Back in Twin Peaks, Audrey and her terrible husband FINALLY made it to the roadhouse where they promptly order martinis (not what I’d order at a roadhouse, but you do you, you fabulous weirdos). The crowd at the roadhouse soon realizes that they are in the presence of dance royalty and promptly and correctly clear the dancefloor so Ms. Horne can DO HER THANG. She does and it’s as dreamy as we remembered it...

Until that dream turns into a DAMN NIGHTMARE and Audrey wakes up in....a mental hospital? An alternate dimension? A remake of The Valley of the Dolls in which she plays Neely O’Hara in rehab (omg someone please make this happen)?! WHO KNOWS?!?!?! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT.

EPISODE 17

It’s come to this: Bad Cooper has made his way to Twin Peaks and Andy is SUPER EXCITED to see him but everyone else has their doubts, especially when the real Coop gives a call from the road. 

Meanwhile, terrible terrible Chad somehow manages to escape and tries to shoot Andy, but not if British Jimmy has anything to do with it! He punches through his cell and right into Chad’s face. Side note: why didn’t he just punch through his cell to get out in the first place? Oh well.

Upstairs, Bad Coop tries to shoot Sheriff Truman but not if Lucy has anything to do with it, and gurlfriend shoots him and saves the day (#TeamBeigeChair4Ever). Then Coop and Gordon and Co both have perfectly timed entrances just as Bob the Blob emerges from Bad Coop. The rest of the scene has Coop’s superimposed face on it (sure?) as British Jimmy fulfills his destiny of punching Bob out of existence. Also: British Jimmy is totally gonna have his own Netflix Marvel spin-off show, right? Also Jim Belushi is all of us during this scene. 

And Andy brings the eyeless lady to Coop in time for her to morph into...

DIANE IN A RED WIG! Sure, why not, right? I guess we know she is the real Diane because of her wig makeover?? Or the fact that she immediately makes out with Coop? WHO KNOWS?! I’m not even sure if we are supposed to believe that this terrible wig is real hair so why am I even typing this?! WHATEVER WE’VE MADE IT THIS FAR LET’S JUST KEEP GOING.

Anyway, Coop, Diane and Gordon go to visit David Bowie in teapot form (yes I just that sentence) and Coop is teleported back to 1989 where we get some sweet B&W flashbacks of Fire Walk With Me scenes showing Laura Palmer about to get herself murdered. But this time, Coop is there to save her! What what what?! Yes, this show is maybe about to rewrite history? Oh no nevermind - Laura was totally kidnapped away by...the forest? Seems legit. 

EPISODE 18

YOU GUYS WE MADE IT TO THE FINAL EPISODE! I still have no idea what the hell is going on with the wigs or otherwise but whatever. We get some more flashbacks to the original series, except no one finds Laura’s body. Curious. Then we see Bad Coop in the Black Lodge turning into a golden nugget (SASHAY AWAY TERRIBLE TERRIBLE WIG) and then morphing into a Dougie tulpa - congrats Janey E and Sonny Jim Jones?

Back in the forest, Coop still can’t find Laura but he does find Diane and her terrible red wig. Close enough? Anyway, they take a roadtrip to some random electrical wires where they shapeshift into a different dimension where they go to a hotel and have the most uncomfortable consensual/not consensual sex scene this side of Straw Dogs.

In the morning, Diane is gone and Coop and the hotel seem different. Coop must go out in search of some coffee at the local diner, where he also has to beat up some cowboy scum because sure - we have time for that.

Anyway, he finally finds what he’s been looking for: LAURA PALMER! Oh except she isn’t Laura Palmer; her name is Carrie Page and she’s never heard of Laura Palmer but she DID just murder some dude so sure: road trip!

They make it back to Twin Peaks in near utter silence (nope, nothing to talk about...) and Coop gets Carrie/Laura back to her mom’s house!

Everything seems to be going great until they knock on the door...

And this beautiful goddess in thirsty thirsty blowdryed locks answers the door. No, she’s not Sarah Palmer - she’s some bitch named Alice Tremont who doesn’t understand anything Coop is saying (you and me both!) WHAT?!

This is the right house, right? Oh wait - what year is it?

WHO KNOWS?! But Laura/Carrie have a good primal scream about it and: that’s it! Seriously, the whole show is over, leaving us with  about as satisfying an ending as The Sopranos or the Gilmore Girls revival. 

In the end, we have no clue what happened but all that matters is: the (few) wigs involved were terrible so let’s all just primal scream about it. And if you are still reading this, kudos to you for reading the longest blog post about wigs probably EVER! 

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

[myfavoriteredheadpodcast]

Please don't shoot us for being late, Episode 4, "Lucy Thinks Ricky is Trying to Murder Her" is up now! Join us for discussions of true crime, literature, and why we agree with the showrunners that "The Girls Want to Go to a Nightclub" was a stronger pilot.

CONTENT WARNING: This episode may not be suitable for all audiences, so listen at your own discretion.

[elcomfortador]

I Love Lucy Makes the First Gay Joke in Sitcom History

“Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her” (November 5, 1951)

Can we do a whole 52-minute episode that is essentially about one single joke? Hell yes we can. The fourth episode of I Love Lucy sure seems like it might feature the first gay joke in the history of sitcoms. And although we are open to arguments otherwise, it’s nonetheless interesting to think that the show that wouldn’t allow its married leads to share a bed onscreen would slip even a small gay joke past the network censors.

Visit our new Tee Public store and plaster your body and household with the Gayest Episode Ever logo.

The Boy Culture blog’s excellent timeline of LGBT milestones on TV.

The 1980 People magazine interview where Lucy says she’s down with the gays.

The Washington Blade article on Lucy Ricardo’s appeal to gay men.

A compilation of Frank “That Guy Who Says Yes” Nelson saying yes.

And if you want to listen to us debate whether the Dick Van Dyke Show ever made a semen joke, listen to that episode here.

Buy Glen’s movie, Being Frank.

Watch Drew’s weird video art project, GEE TV.

Support us on Patreon!

Follow: GEE on Twitter • Drew on Twitter • Glen on Twitter

Buy Glen’s movie, Being Frank.

Support us on Patreon!

Follow: GEE on Twitter • Drew on Twitter • Glen on Twitter

Listen: iTunes • Spotify • Stitcher • Google Play • Google Podcasts • Himalaya • TuneIn • SoundCloud

And yes, we do have an official website! And we even have episode transcripts courtesy of Sarah Neal. Our logo was designed by Rob Wilson.

This is a TableCakes podcast.

This episode’s outro theme is “Slice Me Nice” by Fancy (Apple Music / Spotify / Amazon Music)

Listen now!