#Like every time I message someone
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sorry for
the lack of new art, I’ve been kinda depressed and pretty lonely lmao
#The bad times are coming back I think#Falling into that familiar hole again#Lmao#vent ig#idk man im tired#so freaking tired lately#Anyways sorry#lol#I feel so annoying#Like every time I message someone#I’m a nuisance#And that people just sorta put up with me#Idk#just sad
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You’ve just got this real magic, capturing the sunshine summer of childhood in the tiny Pines twins. Like I am fully convinced I could show the overcast sky one of your pictures of Stanley and the sky would be like. Pack it up clouds, time to get back to the sun.
Ohh thank you :(((((
#you’re all so lovely what#I cry every time someone sends me a “your art feels like-” message#I mean I cry any time anyone’s nice to me but STILL#Anyways here’s a doodle inspired by your description I hope it fits#thank you again 😭😭😭#my art#ask#gravity falls#Stan pines#Stanley pines#stanford pines#ford pines
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vexillology
[ID: Three panel "Pills that make you green" comic.
Panel 1: An ochre person with a triangle-shaped body is standing on a stage in front of a curtain.
Ochre: Hey everyone and thanks for showing up today. As you're all probably familiar there's been a lot of discussion about the green pride flag, and how lots of people in the community aren't really represented by it. And while there are a lot of flags for subcommunities we're really missing a unifying one
Panel 2: Ochre person pulls away the curtain, revealing literally just the regular real life Pride flag to the crowd of a variety of people with a skew towards a greenish majority
Ochre: So I'm going to suggest we use this rainbow flag, as a symbolic representation of the full color spectrum
Panel 3: Zoom in on the ochre person looking vaguely dejected, saying "oh..." as criticisms come in from the crowd:
"I feel that this does a poor job representing mauve people"
"Get better at vexilology" [sic]
"That looks so weird"
"There's barely even any of the original green flag left!"
"Way too complicated"
"Orange people don't even have anything to do with green rights"
"What's next, charred brown with lava cracks in it for refugees from Former Italy?"
End ID]
Start - Previous - Next
#before someone reads the opposite of the intended message: I don't agree with the critics.#the joke is that they're responding to the common real-life pride flag as if it's some weird new idea#like the discourse every time something gets added to the progress flag#pills that make you green#ptmyg
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😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i cant believe someones mad that i make rules for my own blog and i enforce them.
like??? i write PORN. not even porn i write like coercive dark rape fantasies. its bad shit yall it aint for kids! im sorry i dont like the idea of 15 year olds reading porn that I've written😭😭😭😭😭
#k but at the same time this person made three different posts about me#kinda flattering ngl ty bestie ily#the funniest thing is that minors/ageless blogs can have have gotten away with interacting with me#i dont check every like#follow#reblog#but if you message me/leave an ask ya i will check those bios#there was a 17 year old who put their age in their bio and was following me for MONTHS before someone thankfully told me about it
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u know when youre bored of everything and it feels like theres a hole that youre trying to close but it just keeps sucking everything up
#pissing me thefuck OFF#Ive tried everything ive gone for swims ive eaten snacks and drank water I went for a walk#every time I pick smth up it jumps to smth else like some sort of itch I cant scratch#and stuff that doesnt take a lot of energy like going thru pinterest reading old messages playing Tetris#I haven’t even listened to music in almost 2 weeks wtf. I cant sleep#I wanna talk to ppl but smths stopping me like I get exhausted before I can even come up with smth to say#like oh I have free time I should try this game someone recommended me its already on my ds but I cant even get past the menu#is this some sort of creative block or smth. sigh#maybe i wanna play with someone but it feels like a huge list of tasks and commitments that I can’t keep up with#and I don’t want the other person to have to read between the lines being wishy washy abt it even though I asked to play#yapping#diary#ffffffuuuck
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This is such a harmful sentiment to push considering that you don’t necessarily have to be “attractive,” (beauty is subjective, yada yada) in order for men to want to harm you in the slightest… like man, what…
#the lady talks about being followed and harassed and so on as if every woman and girl in the world regardless of their age and#‘good looks’#hasn’t experienced this and will continue to#I hate when these girls especially ones who are conveniently attractive talk about stuff like this under the guise of speaking for all#women while x-ing out most women#this easily leads into the realm of ‘you’re too ugly/fat to be assaulted ANYWAY-‘#talk that I see spread by misogynists and bird brained women like it’s such a natural thing to even say it’s actually rly scary#especially when it comes to the assault shit which is usually about power and control anyway#they don’t care what you look like#you could be covered up head to toe and someone would try to hurt you just because#I hate when women like this go online thinking that they said something open their mouths I really do#rambling#tw assault#got dudes in the comments going ‘she’s not even pretty anyway she’s like a 4 out of 10’#completely missing the message (as if they care) and see#these are the kinds of people that stuff like this attracts#stuff like this coming out of a woman’s mouth especially is so dangerous#I don’t think I’m the most good looking person in the world and I’ve been followed sm times I had to run away from a guy once and luckily#my bus was right fucking there!!!#then the guy who was harassing me years ago at a bus stop and forced me to hug him and touched my butt and no one else was around to help#me…#and he kept on trying to get me to go back to his apartment around the corner like that was so#the man who followed me into the store as I was shopping and I noticed that he kept on staring at me#then tried to holla and he looked way older than me and I think he was a pastor or something too he had a nice car and tried to get me to#come with him#sm more incidents over the years like this is crazy pls don’t say stuff like this and act like it’s normal#someone in the comments said that people like the woman in the video think that being pretty will free them from the patriarchy and like…#YEAH 😭#it’s so obvious too lmfao#these be the same women calling themselves ‘girls girls’’
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long!!! distance!!!! sucks!!!!!!
#I have no idea how long distance couples survive#I'm losing my mind over my squish being so far away#wdym I can't hug them :(#wdym there's a whole ass month left until they come back????#and like. I wanna text and call them so often but I'm scared of being too much yk#but equally it's been a week since I last heard their voice and I'm going insane#I also hate the time difference!!!!!! there's like a three hour window in which we both MIGHT be free but it's hard to coordinate :(#I just. I've never missed someone this much before#I imagine being reunited almost every day#sigh#also kinda scared about the fact that we're going to go from not having seen each other for 3 months to LIVING TOGETHER#I'm really hyped don't get me wrong#but also. aaaaaaa#(post inspired by the fact that they haven't messaged me back yet despite it being only 9am for them lol)#me? clingy? haha whaaaaaat nooooo#comso rambles#queerplatonic yearning hours#qpr yearning#queerplatonic#aroace#long distance love
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Okay hi I've been wanting to be friends with a few of u on here but I'm going to be extremely not normal for a while (major life event (negative) + having to move back to california (negative again)). Apologies in advance and feel free to kill me with a rock if you'd like
#im still gonna try to message people on here but holy shit every time i dm someone i look back at the dm & want to blow myself with bombs#i know this is also weird to say but i can clarify maybe. eventually#idk how to be normal i feel like everything i say is strange or offputting bc ive only talked to like 3 people for the last few years#ive gotten so so so bad at being a person who can interact with strangers and make friends
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good lord, eon mentioned in 2024
(sudden flood of comments of people recognizing Eon/Eona in my inbox)
Well! Guess that duology wasn't as obscure as I thought! Never actually met other people who had read them, lmao.
Full disclosure that I haven't read those books in like... good lord, 15+ years at this point. I do remember it having some super uncomfortable plot points, especially when it comes to Eona's romantic relationships.
I would explicitly tell any minors 16 and below to steer clear of Eon/Eona, for that reason. There are some VERY heavily sexual topics in this book, along with extreme ableism and misogyny. A baby is also killed on screen as part of a coup.
(Also prepare for very messy 2000s depictions of queerness. And an ending that is very abrupt.)
#Eon/Eona#Bone babble#I only remember the overall plot and weirdly specific details about Eon/Eona#I remember this one part so clearly where Eona is coaxed into trading her thick jacket for a finely woven silk one#And then she gets out into snow and she's like 'IM SUCH AN IDIOT. WHY DID I LET HER CONVINCE ME TO WEAR THIS FLIMSY NAPKIN'#I think about it every time I get talked out of dressing warm because 'oooo you're gonna be too hot. Oooo this coat is better made'#Incredible the way that the worst messages of a book can roll off someone if they're aware of them#But you will remember Silk Coat Snow for the rest of your life
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you are complaining about complaining too much while complaining about the fact that maybe people dont like you because you complain too much while complaining about being alone. just stop complaining and do something about it. talk to people. reach out. dont just wait for someone to come to you first.
i have tried reaching out to different people in the past year or so but it never works. i understand its my own fault for letting relationships decay because of my own insecurities and issues but that doesn't mean i can just will myself to think or believe different things about myself. it's a self fulfilling prophecy ; i think people don't like me so i don't reach out so people don't like me etc . i am sure you do not want to hear me list all the things i want to say in response so i will put them in the tags.
#every time i try to reach out or talk to someone it goes nowhere. i dont have any social skills anymore and have no clue how to keep a#conversation going. half the time even when i do people stop replying to me. which is fine theydont owe me a reply but still feels likeshit#when i tried to make one new irl friend it just didn't work because they have better options for friends. we spoke occasionally but never#messaged online like ever and would only talk when we happened to be in the same place. i tried multiple times to organize a time to hangou#none of which came to pass. i dont understand why this one didn't work because i thought this person was interested in being my friend but#i guess i was wrong or thought they were more interested than they really were.#i have a problem with reaching out anyway which has been a problem i have had since i was like 11. reaching out to people first doesnt come#easily to me - in the beginning when i was a lot younger i didn't want to bother people with my presence & thought if i were to come to#someone first they would feel pressured into talking to me when they didn't want to. this is stupid of course. but has still not left me as#something i feel is very core to the way i act today. waiting for someone to come to me first feels like my only option because i do not#know how to reach out effectively (my evidence being i have failed every time i have tried) & i am convinced people dont like me in the#first place and do not want me to approach them.#i dont really even know who to reach out to in the first place. my world is extremely narrow. the number of people i know has shrunk#significantly and my standing in their eyes collectively has also shrunk significantly in the past few years. i feel like every person i#was once friends with wants nothing to do with me. i feel as if i have burned every bridge possible.#when it comes to the fact i complain all the time . which i know of course is annoying. its because i cant find any kind of joy in anything#i do or see or whatever. nothing makes me happy - i only see things to complain about. all stimulus seems grating and the world seems#specifically catered to make me miserable. all i can really do is complain. i treat this blog like a stream of consciousness and when most#of that consciousness is occupied with how much i hate being alive the blog will mostly be complaining. its a vicious cycle lol .#anyway . i guess the key theme is low self esteem begets low self esteem in many ways. mental illness begets mental illness.#i am not really saying this to anyone least of all to you anon. i just felt compelled to recount i guess for myself the reasons that came#to mind for why i am like this. i am talking to myself here
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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okay so my current experiment in BDG3 is "what happens if you only recruit astarion in act 3"
how do i do that? shoot him down from afar before he talks to me, then rob him literally naked, then pass his corpse off to a character I don't plan on taking out and about with me this time. they'll carry the corpse until act three, then dump him after i murderise cazador. i'll see if i can revive him after that (or see if that ability wears off after act 1).
maybe someone has done this before. i don't know. don't tell me. this is my fun experiment.
#listen i didnt WANNA kill him okay. but like. he can't be in this paythru.#it's a girls (and gale) only run#so. sorry astarion#i didnt kill wyll dw i just didnt recruit him when he tried to kill karlach. which now means he ghosts my camp#and every time i try to long rest. i get the 'someone wants to talk to you' message#but nobody does. its just wyll haunting us. even tho he's not dead.#astarion#baldur's gate 3#(also yeah gale gets to stay bc im literally SO bored without gale in my camp. its dull as FUCK without gale)
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putting this message here to let a tumblr friend know that I noticed they deactivated. I hope you're alright, thanks for giving me all of the asks over the years. I'm glad you liked my art. just wanted to let you know I care and it mattered
#this is wisp#it's hard when people just vanish into the aether#i've had many tumblr friends like that#friend might be a strong word ig idk how other people feel#but following someone for a long time makes them my friend#and this person I talked to via asks#every ask game they'd send me a message seemed like#and they left comments and nice reblogs#damn mistah j whered u go#i hope you're off on a gay island somewhere#being a gay ass hermit#well wishes
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me vs eternal grudges abt d20 captions
#aspen tag#maybe i just need to start watching the backlog without them on tbh#bc every time i run into a godawful error. of which there is no shortage of. i get so frustrated i literally have to stop watching#and like. idk. the new form system is. i know there's probably practical benefits#but from where i am sitting it's just like. additional barriers. more steps. more energy#i watched the new dirty laundry earlier today. with the lightning flashing effect at the beginning#and i checked the desc to see if there was any sort of warnings on the vid and there was nothing#and i thought about pulling up the feedback form to say smth and i just felt tired#and like. idk if any of u were ever active in the discord's caption corrections channel before it shut down#i joined the dropout server for it. i was in there exclusively for it. bc they got on my nerves so bad and i couldn't just do nothing#you could look up a particular line and find reports of it going back months and months#and i get that it was probably not easily indexable. but w/ the way older d20 episodes are#it was a fucking blessing to be able to submit them in bulk. instead of submitting a form for each one individually like u have to now#bc they're like. every 30 seconds. you're lucky if you go a couple minutes without smth almost unparseable#and when there'd be things like unlabeled flashing. or the gore bear. and u start writing up a message on the discord#it's like. there's a sense of people. someone's reading. someone's seeing it. even in just the reacts. y'know#and like. they have retroactive caption editors to clean up the old stuff as of 2024#but i'm four minutes into tuc episode 2. their third season ever. second episode. four minutes in#and zac says “it's a concentration” and the captions read “white's a constant station”#and i just ..... i guess i find it hard to feel like there's work being done. or like it's a priority#i. me personally. sent messages in the feedback channel about jokes in the captions on at least five or six seperate occasions#and i know there were other people speaking up about it too. over months and months#and the past... however many seasons it's been since burrow's end. have been a little better. but it's like....#it took so long to see any change. and those older ones are going to stay in until the retroactive editors catch all the way up#and people are still going to laugh at them and post about them and not think past their own amusement at them#and it's not that big of a deal but it does like. detract from how much i am able to enjoy d20#and like. i've been watching for three years. i never shut up about it. it's not like i don't like what they make#but between all of this and the way they handled palestine on the discord. i'm just finding it harder to trust in dropout#idk. idk. it's not a big thing. but it simmers in the back of my mind a lot. i don't rlly think it's going to change anytime soon#so i guess this is just putting it somewhere so it doesn't have to sit in my head all the time. um. yeah 👍
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oh there's something particularly painful about my mister in that dong hoon tells ji an that as long as no one knows, it's no big deal, and there's something particularly painful about how ji an tells dong hoon that sometimes, i want [my secret] to play out on big screens for everyone to see, and there's something particularly painful about how the second dong hoon meets the loan shark tormenting ji an, he starts screaming and yelling about how she's just a kid, how could you do that to a kid, and there's something particularly painful about how dong hoon doesn't even let ji an know he did that, but ji an knows. she knows because she was listening in the entire time and she just starts crying because someone actually knows this ugly, sad part of her and still took her side, and something particularly painful about how my mister started with as long as no one knows, it's no big deal but really concludes with there is so much risk in having someone know who you are but there's also so much comfort and peace to be found in that, too and maybe you shouldn't isolate yourself and maybe you should reach for that kind of comfort in being known and loved anyways
#caroline talks#my mister#if this is incoherent. it should be#rewatched the first 2.5 episodes of my mister last night#felt like crying my eyes out the entire time tbh!!#every time i watch this show there's just something about it that hurts me more and more and there's something that makes the messages#in this show feel more and more relevant#idk. thinking a lot about when ji an talks about how sometimes she wishes. sometimes she wishes#that everyone knew what she'd done and what had been done to her.#something about how ji an can't ever bring herself to connect truly with another person because of how much she hates#the feeling of people realizing what her past looks like#and not wanting to withstand the pity and also horror. like. okay.#something about ji an sobbing by the bridge when she listens to dong hoon pummeling that loan shark guy#and how i used to always cry at that scene but now i tear up just thinking about it#because you know! there's that shock (that firstly: someone knows your miserable secret. and secondly: they're still on your side)#and then absolute heartache because you don't know what to do with that information. you didn't expect it.#you're sobbing at a bridge because someone knows who you are and someone knows the scars of your past and still gets angry and sad for you.#and you still feel like you don't deserve it because you know deep down you are not a very good person (or so you tell yourself).#and. oughough. lee ji an holds such a place in my miserable little heart
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if i stay over the weekend to help on a student film set, i won’t go back to my hometown which will upset my mom (and also cause me mental distress) but if i go home (mom happy, me happy(ish)) i’ll miss out on the opportunity to learn more about working on film sets (somethign i’ll have to do next semester for my own film) and i’ll reinforce in my brain that i’m not capable of doing literally anything and that i’m a fuckifn loser
#anyway i’m going home bc my mom was happy when i said i could#and i like it when she’s happy#it wouldn’t be so bad if my dad wasn’t working insane hours that left her alone for most of the day#but yeah.#i feel like when i graduate i’ll be shit out luck bc i haven’t made good connections bc i’ve only ever been on two sets#and it’s all my fault bc i don’t know what to do to make everyone happy#god please i want a solution i can’t keep living like this#i keep telling myself ‘you don’t have to be on set to contribute to films’ i’m a fucking editor for gods sake people know me as the editor#that’s my thing but i still feel like i’m not doing enough and i’m letting everyone down and that i’m on the outside of it all all the time#bc i have to go home every weekend or the world will end or whatever#i feel so fucking useless rn y’all#first day of my period i’m probably overreacting but idk it feels so real#i messaged someone else about being on their set so i can at least say i’ve done SOMETHING and she left me on read so that’s fun#god i’m sorry for this yall i’m going through it right now
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