#Like I’m not even from a less shit country but like it’s in fact completely normal to be affectionate towards family members here

[proudfreakmetarusonikku]

thinking about how people went insane over like fucking side hugs in the mcyt fandom and said they meant you were Secretly Shipping like I think those guys would have an aneurysm if you told them it’s normal in a whole lot of places for family members to kiss on the lips like. oh my god it’s so obvious some of you are american.

[itneverendshere]

thinking of how rafe wouldn’t want you to work while pregnant

that man would be so stressed, since day one!! and bartender!reader would noooot give him a break, still covering bartending shifts even tho she was the manager bc she simply enjoyed doing it every once in a while. and he's like ?????? will you sit your ass down PLEASE. but you're not listening, if there's ONE thing the pregnancy hormones gave you was extra attitude. somethin' along these lines:

rafe could feel his jaw clenching as he watched you across the room, rolling your eyes for the third time in the past five minutes. you were doing it on purpose now, deliberately ignoring him while standing behind the bar, mixing drinks like you weren’t six months pregnant.

the bartender had called in sick, and you, the manager, jumped in and covered for him. rafe crossed his arms, leaning against the counter, and tried not to look too annoyed, but fuck if it wasn’t hard.

you still had that spark in you, that independence that drew him in from the start, but now? now it just made him worry.

worry like he never thought he could.

“you’re really gonna give me a heart attack, y’know that?” he called out, his voice carrying over the chatter around the country club.

most people were too busy with their drinks and golf gossip to notice you two bickering, but anyone paying attention could see that familiar dynamic. you doing whatever you damn well pleased, him trying to keep his cool, which he never really could when it came to you putting yourself at risk.

you glanced at him over your shoulder, hands moving like second nature as you garnished a drink. “’m fine, baby” you told him, voice just as breezy as ever, like the huge bump pressing against your shirt was nothing more than an accessory. “it’s just a couple hours.”

there was that old habit of yours—acting like everything was fine when you clearly weren’t. or maybe you were, but that wasn’t the point.

the point was, you shouldn’t have to be there.

“you say that, but i know you’re gonna be hurting later,” he muttered, pushing off the counter and walking around to your side of the bar.

his hand landed gently on your waist, thumb brushing the small of your back like he always did when he wanted to get you to stop for just a second.

“c’mon, baby. just take a break, you don’t need to be on your feet like this.”

it wasn’t that you didn’t want help—you’d worked through that over the past couple years—but that stubborn streak was still there.

“’m not some porcelain doll,” you reminded him, rolling your eyes again, “’m not gonna drop dead because i’m pregnant.”

he felt his stomach drop when those words left your mouth. "jesus christ, woman," he muttered, his eyes widening in exasperation. "don’t say that shit.”

“alright, my bad,” you gave in, “didn’t mean it like that.”

rafe sighed, his hand still resting on you. he hated when you talked like that, like you had to remind him how capable you were. of course he knew. 

"promise me you're taking a leave starting tomorrow," he practically begged you despite attempting to sound firm, but that undertone of worry had been his constant companion ever since you'd found out you were pregnant. 

"next week," you sang back, not even looking up from the drink you were finishing. 

you were still in work mode, determined to keep things running smoothly despite the fact you should’ve been at home, resting.

"tomorrow," he insisted, leaning in closer, his voice softening but no less serious.

you turned to face him, eyes narrowing. "next week, or you’re not getting sex for the next three months. now get outta my bar.”

rafe blinked, his jaw going slack as he stared at you, completely blindsided. 

“what—"

“go on,” you gestured toward the other side of the counter with a flick of your hand, “out.”

his mouth opened and closed a couple of times, like a fish. he was processing, but slowly.

"but… baby," he whined, his voice dipping into a tone that could only be described as kicked puppy. “just—wanna make sure you’re okay. that you’re safe, and you’re not overdoing it. you can’t kick me out, i need to be around you.”

you gave him that look, the one that told him he was pushing his luck. "rafe, i swear to god—”

he let out a long, dramatic sigh, but started to back off, lifting his hands in surrender.

"alright, alright, ‘m going," he grunted, dragging his feet toward the exit like a kid being told to go to bed. but before he did go, he turned back one more time, his eyes pleading. "i’ll be outside if you need me."

"of course you will," you muttered, shaking your head with a half-smile. you knew he wasn’t going far, probably just far enough to hover and peek through the windows, pretending to give you space but unable to help himself.

"i love you, stop spiraling," you called out after him.

he paused, turning back to look at you, his expression softening.  

“love you too.”

[stephobrien]

I’m coming from my vent account because I don’t want to get found out as a Jew on my main. Please, please stop posting in the antisemitism tag. You’re clogging it up and taking away a safe space for Jews by trying to delegitimise Jew hatred. Now, I don’t know if you’re good faith or not, but I’m leaning on no. You keep on going onto posts about Jew hatred from Jews, saying what boils down to ‘wow! I’ve learned so much from this!’ and then you go back to posting inflammatory things again. I mean, you posted something from Caitlin Johnstone, I can’t believe that you give a single shit about Jews (or Ukrainians) after that

As for your most recent post on how poor you just can’t believe lying Jews when we talk about discrimination because you’re scared we’re deceiving you, you put in a comment ‘If I'd seen said Arab nations' governments massacring thousands of civilians, while painting every single criticism of said massacre as Islamophobic, yes, I would have’. This is… I don’t even know how to tackle this, do you genuinely not know all of the horrific shit so many of the Arab states have done? Qatar is known as one of the biggest countries of modern slavery. The Houthis in Yemen sex traffic Ethiopian women, and also reintroduced slavery into Yemen. Just look at the atrocities so many of these countries have committed against Shia Muslims! Is your brain mush, how can you say this when there is so, so much evidence of the horrors that these nations have committed?! And if you think these states graciously accept criticism of those horrors… you’re being ignorant on purpose. And it’s still not okay to say that you don’t believe an Arab when they talk about anti Arab racism that they’ve experienced, I think we can at least agree on that. So why’s it not the same for Jews?

For a more personal example to Jews, look up the Mizrachi expulsion. The Arab states violently expelled almost a million Jews from their countries ‘because Israel’, which they only care about because it ruined their dream of pan Arabism, not because of any solidarity with the Arabs in the mandate btw. My family was lucky, we came from Iran, which is not Arab, so the violence was coming from the people rather than the state itself. But I’ve had to heard accounts from people talking about how they watched their family get shot in the head while their homes were repossessed for no reason other than the fact they were Jews. Is that bad enough for you? Does it even make a dent in your image of the Arab states? Or is it okay because it happened to Jews?

I know I sound very angry in this, and that’s because I am very angry. And that anger is completely justified! My life, and the lives of almost every Jew on this disgusting website, have been beyond horrible for five months. The number of times I’ve had to read about a new Jew hating shooting or stabbing in the world is too many too count. And then, non Jews like you decide to play the ‘oops, I just caaaan’t believe those Jews about Jew hatred because they could be zionists!’ (Which are around eighty percent of the Jewish population, but I don’t think you’re ready for that conversation yet, it’s reserved for people who actually want to learn). All of us are so unimaginably angry. All of us are at our fucking breaking point, or we’ve completely snapped already! The people you have interacted with have been some of the kindest, most levelheaded people here, but you’d better not get used to it, because we’re all tired of this bullshit

Thank you for taking the time to call me out. Between you and the several other people who contacted me about this, I’ve come to realize that that post was a terrible mistake.

It was meant to be a vent post about people who deliberately blur the lines around what’s actually antisemitism, and about my lack of certainty about my own ability to independently assess the less obvious instances of that (which is clearly still very lacking, as the response to that post made clear to me).

But it apparently caught a lot of innocent Jews in the crossfire, making them feel unsafe, unheard, and delegitimized. That wasn’t the intention, but it was clearly the effect. I screwed up badly, and I’m sorry.

I admittedly don’t know all the details about the horrific shit Arab nations have done. I was aware of Iraq’s government mass murdering protesters, and Saudi Arabia’s horrifically sexist laws, but some of the info you shared in this post is stuff I hadn’t previously heard of.

As for why I mentioned false accusations of antisemitism specifically, it’s because that’s the one I’ve seen several times a day lately, sometimes in the form of stuff like telling people who protest child murder that “You just don’t like it when Jews defend themselves.”

That said, you and the other people who responded have made it clear to me that that focus was based on an overly narrow view on my part. I’ve been more active in pro-Palestine circles than in circles that focus on the other situations you mentioned, so naturally that resulted in me seeing more antisemitism accusations than accusations focused on groups that aren’t directly involved in that conflict. So that resulted in a less than balanced viewpoint.

While my vent post was meant to be about one specific phenomenon I’d personally seen a lot of, the fact that I didn’t mention similar behavior on the part of groups I hadn’t personally seen as much of that behavior from did result in it being unjustly targeted, in a way I didn’t intend but should’ve assessed better.

What happened to you and other Jews at the hands of Arab nations (and pretty much every nation) was absolutely not okay. The effect my post had on you and other Jews who saw it was not okay. The treatment you’ve endured on Tumblr is not okay. And I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.

You have every right to be angry at me. I won’t ask you to forgive me or trust me, because I know I earned your anger with that poorly thought out post. I shouldn’t have made my own insecurities and frustrations other people’s problem like that. I screwed up badly, and I’m sorry.

[fated-normal-767]

Do you think theproject takes place in like . A country with a high property value . Is it well known ? Does it have good food and . Well I know for a fact it does not have low crime rates but . Can it make up for that ? Is it scenic ? What’s the culture like y’know ?

okay hang on I’m going to make a couple of maps for the first time ever because I really want to answer this properly. So I’m going to start with weather and temperature and location. This is not canon because I blatantly refuse to place it anywhere on the world map so I don’t have to talk about geo political relationships and fucking science of how it’s there or whatever, I failed geography, but it is somewhere in this area, not in the middle of the ocean, but closer to one or another landmass. So similar weather to either the uk or parts of America, probably closer to America as it’s referenced as being quite easy to travel to. No one ever talks about Britain but then neither would I if I had a choice so that indicates nothing.

It’s probably slightly warmer than the uk but it has thunderstorms and rain quite frequently and I’d guess it’s equal to or smaller than Britain in terms of land. However characters can travel around frequently because there’s good public transportation. I drew a map but I really really hate it so much I just needed to create the idea of the layout. I hate drawing maps.

There are roads and train lines and the like not pictured because I couldn’t be bothered but You Get It, vaguely. It’s completely an island so the views of the sea are probably very nice and I think before skills were a thing they weren’t really known for anything, so initially a low population density, and probably still pretty affordable property. Not cheap but like. Better. Nice place generally. We see the worst of it because that’s how you get a good story but it’s not that bad it’s genuinely Quite Good, you know? Free healthcare, pretty good housing opportunities, good few jobs in law or offices or journalism due to all the things to report on. I think a lot of the people there, if not the majority, moved there after it improved once skills started benefiting work in healthcare and sciences and stuff. Big governments probably delayed looking into that for ages in case it backfired or messed stuff up somehow, but small place, not hugely complex system? Just jumped straight in and it worked. It also has some of the loosest regulations on powerful or hard to control skills so I’d think there’s people from all over going there. It’s probably very much like the more boring parts of America and some bits of the USA but . It’s one of the safer places if you get what I mean. There’s some very crucially bad things but if you remove those niche defects from the picture it’s actually. A really good place.

I don’t know if it has a comparatively high crime rate actually. Maybe because it’s a small place with one or two very dedicated criminals but . Generally there is less crime than would be in any other places if they were shrunk down to that size. Or at least an even amount. Once again, we see the worst of it. And everyone still keeps living mainly happily. Considering it’s an island I imagine they have a good amount of seafood but in my mind there’s also a channel tunnel type construction that means it’s not difficult to either travel or import wider ranges of food. Probably a lot like America but I’m betting there’s like . super niche cafes and restaurants around for a variety of things. There’s good food because if I made all this world building just to give them shit food I’d have to kill myself. I would go more into what seafood they have but I honestly don’t like seafood much so I only really know 2 or 3 seafood dishes and I definitely couldn’t accurately profile what would be most popular. It’s definitely scenic I think it’s quite high above sea level in places especially near the city of cliffs so it’s. Honestly probably beautiful.

[raccoon-eyed-rebel]

You deserve it

Masterlist

A/N: I'm struggling, and I need a fucking hug. So I wrote this. It's probably fucking terrible but I need a fictional surrogate boyfriend to shower me with affection right now, because the real one is halfway across the country. Okay. Exquisitely self-indulgent hurt/comfort with tooth-rotting fluff.

Pairing: Mike (Hellraiser) x reader (you)

Summary: You're feeling like shit, and Mike helps you feel less like shit. That's it. That's the plot.

Word count: 1.4k

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort. Depression/ anxiety/ general really bad fucking day having reader, suicidal thoughts/ intrusive thoughts. I mention a boner once.

@geralts-yenn @deandoesthingstome @keanureevesisbae @fvckinghenrycavill @ellethespaceunicorn @peaches1958 @sillyrabbit81

“Babe I’m having a really shit day, okay?” You hate doing this. Cancelling plans last-minute is the worst under normal circumstances, but you really wanted to see this movie tonight with Mike. “You can go by yourself, it’s fine. Or take someone else. I’m just going to bed.”

“Alright, babe. Text me when you wake up, okay?” He’s so sweet. You really don’t deserve him. Then again, you don’t deserve anything. Yeah, to lay in bed, completely worn out from doing nothing, unable to move (because why the fuck not?) and hungry because you haven’t eaten all day – that involves moving, and as previously established: you can’t. Plus, even if you weren’t tired and glued to your bed, he’d probably have a better time hanging out with someone who isn’t depressed and horrible. And that rules you out.

You’re on the verge of falling asleep. Actually, you’ve been on the verge of falling asleep for weeks. It just doesn’t happen. So, like all those other times you wished there was a poison apple or cursed spinning wheel nearby, you just lay in bed with your eyes closed, curled up into a ball and trying to ignore the crushing weight of your overflowing to do list and the guilt over bailing on your boyfriend. It’s probably only a matter of time before he runs off with someone cuter, thinner, and more alive than you, anyway.

The door opens. The noise doesn’t make you turn around. In fact, absolutely nothing would make you turn around. Keanu Reeves in your doorway wouldn’t make you respond at this point, and Lord knows that’s saying something. You’re just done.

Whoever it is that’s in your doorway and likely isn’t Keanu Reeves, walks into your room. Honestly, if this is a murderer, good. No one would complain. It’s probably just your roommate, though. Massive disappointment.

“Sadie, just go please,” you sigh as you pull the comforter tighter around your shoulders. The unidentified intruder reaches your bed, and a bag drops to the floor with a loud thud and the suspicious crinkling and cracking of... Food wrappers? You freeze when this person sits on your bed – but they don’t stop there; they actually get into bed with you, which means it’s definitely not your roommate. This still doesn’t make you move, and you almost laugh at how completely fucked up a reaction that is.

“Guess again.” Mikey. It’s Mikey. You hadn’t even considered that possibility. How on Earth did you consider ‘murderer’ before ‘boyfriend’? But why is he here? He’s supposed to go to the movies and have fun, and leave you here until you’re ready to crawl out of this ditch of horribleness. You don’t want him here with you.

“Why aren’t you at the movies?” You ask timidly. He’s wrapping his arms around you and you’re resisting that, trying to think of the best and quickest way to send him packing. “Mikey, please leave. I need to be alone.”

“No.” What? What, ‘no’? “You want to be alone.”

“Yeah, same diff. Leave me alone, Mike. I want you to fuck off and go see the movie without me, and you just leave me here. Okay?” This fucking hurts. You don’t want to shut him out, but you can’t help it right now. Nothing feels right, you’re a mess, and no one needs to see you like this.

“No. Not okay. I’m not leaving.” He sounds angry. Annoyed, at least. And he’s right to be angry. You’re being horrible to him when he’s just trying to be nice. But you don’t want him trying to be nice to you right now. He’s probably only offering to stay because he feels he has to, or some shit.

“But you really want to see that movie.”

“Yeah, Sweetcheeks, I do. I really want to see that movie.” He sighs impatiently. “With you. I’m not watching it without you, so drop it. If we can’t go today, we’ll wait until we can. And if it’s not in theatres anymore by that time, we’ll rent it, or stream it or whatever, but I’m not watching that movie if you’re not next to me. Now stop being stubborn and let me hold you.”

There are tears in your eyes now, because of his little speech, and you’ve actually turned around in his – very persistent – arms.

“Hi, Sweetcheeks,” he says as he smiles down at you. “I’m happy to see your face.” As hard as it is for you to believe that, you can see in his eyes that he’s not lying.

Mike bends his head to kiss you, but you stop him.

“Baby,” he whines, but you shake your head.

“I haven’t brushed my teeth in days,” you admit. Heat surges through your cheeks, and it feels as if someone is sticking a million needles in them. The severely lacking ability to take care of yourself is one of your least favorite parts of this whole depression business. Not that the rest is a walk in the park, but being near Mike in your current gross state is embarrassing and horrible.

“Sweetcheeks, I don’t give a damn.” He kisses you hard, so hard that you are starting to think he’s doing this to make a point. “I’m crazy about you. All of you. And I’m still crazy about you when you’re like this. Although I wish you didn’t feel so shitty.” He moves off the bed again, dragging you to the edge of it as he goes along, where he scoops you up into his arms.

“What are you doing?” you ask as he carries you to the bathroom. Mikey sets you down on the toilet – the only place to comfortably sit in here – and starts to unbutton the flannel pajama shirt you have on.

“I don’t have the ener...” Mike interrupts you with another kiss as he keeps undressing you. He never tries anything, not even when he sees your boobs – although he does grin appreciatively for a second. You let him drag you into the shower, because by now you’ve figured out that resisting him is no use, anyway.

“Can you hold it together for maybe ten minutes until I get back?” He turns on the water, risking the clothes he’s still wearing. You nod.

“Mikey?” He turns around when he hears you call him. “Can you hand me my toothbrush?” Small steps, right?

When he comes back, he strips and joins you in the shower. Standing up was a hassle, so you’re sitting on the floor. He sits down behind you, with his legs on either side, and pulls your back into his chest. Mike helps you wash your hair, and your body, still not trying anything, even though he clearly has a boner from touching you all over. That doesn’t change when he dries you off and helps you into a pair of fresh pajamas.

“How do you feel?” Mike says when he wraps you up into the millionth hug.

“Better,” you say, avoiding his eyes. Yeah, taking a shower helps. It makes you feel better. But you just couldn’t do the thing. Why couldn’t you just do the stupid, silly little thing?

“Good,” Mike says, “let’s get to the rest of the evening.” He takes your hand and drags you back to your room.

“Jesus! Mike! You didn’t have to do that!” There are new sheets on your bed, and your pillows are piled in the corner, together with every stuffed animal you own, and several soft blankets. Ten minutes alone in the shower, and your boyfriend builds you a nest. It’s so sweet that you don’t even allow yourself to be embarrassed that you couldn’t change your sheets yourself.

“I wanted to. Because I wanna spend the whole night with you, watching movies, and cuddling. I brought snacks.” He looks kind of nervous when he says it. “Got you chocolate. Your favorite. But I’ll still go if you want to be alo-” The last syllable disappears into your mouth when you kiss him.

“Thank you, Mikey,” you say, no longer able to keep the tears from falling.

“You’re welcome. You deserve it.”

[theloverscardtarot]

I know you may not be willing to post this take but here goes. Woulda sent to Shamrock too but they must block unfollowers since I can’t send an ask. I have never been ‘’into’’ tarot but I will say I enjoyed the OG blog and for quite a while I did follow the more recent versions of accounts that posted Evan tarot content. And TBH I can say I never saw anything that I found ‘’problematic’’ – yes, I will admit some things were a bit less realistic than others but as far as I’m concerned it was in good fun and not something meant to be taken as an agenda of the OP. But as soon as Evan and Natlie showed that they were more than a one night stand, ya’ll lost the plot. Whether you mean to or not you are basically catering to the Rosa’s of the fandom and feeding into mental illness which is this obsessive nature of knowing about what they’re doing, feeling, whether they’ll be ‘’soulmates’’ eternally and that sort of shtick. You can’t say you’re not aware because I feel like multiple people have mentioned this to blogs including me, as a warning like ‘hey, not sure if you’ve realized but one of the most problematic people in the fandom is the one girl always in your ask box’. Those of us who have been in the fandom for a while know how Rosa types and can tell it’s her, it’s no secret. Multiple people sent it to them and also to Tweam. That’s why we’ve ‘turned’ on ya’ll, not because we hate you. I hate what this situation has become and who you’re feeding into with the obsessive posting. I don’t believe anyone deserves hate, trust me, but what I mean is you got to do better and be mindful of it all. There can be real consequences to playing with these unrealistic people emotions who want to know about E+N because they’re upset over the relationship. And even if you don’t post this at least you cannot honestly say someone didn’t try and talk sense into the situation because I liked you and Tweam and every other Evan fanpage that is normal and doesn’t stir the pot. Also you need to think about how you’d feel if strangers were constantly rooting against you and posting negativity day after day after day. Evan is human too, remember that. Anywho that’s off my chest now. Peace.

Hi anon. I absolutely understand where you are coming from. But, what I would like to say is that we are not intentionally trying to get Rosa and the others excited so they can do what they do. And we are also not rooting against Evan and Natalie. if the readings were actually read by you and other people, you would see that we always say we are not against anybody. The cards might be, but I always try to look for the good. Shamrock and Admin both have their disclaimers in big giant print saying to take tarot with a grain of salt and it's just for fun. I highlight in red that I don't know anybody, I just started reading and this is just what it is. I am not an OG reader and this is very new to me. So, it doea blow my mind when some of the same cards come up for all of us. Miles and countries away. If you don't believe in it, that is completely fine. No shade here.

Now, I understand that Rosa, Jackie, etc. all have tendencies. But they had tendencies before this blog, during this blog ,after this blog. Rosa posted an actual address of where Natalie was staying. She didn't get that info from any of us. She has plenty of platforms to get actual information from. I'm also not sitting here saying Natalie is a bad person. Actually I posted a reading on her that was very nice. We never say they are the end all, be all or not. Everything going on is something that can be worked out. Only they know what needs to be done. I've seen the Tumblr pages out there hating on Natalie and I don't condone that at all. In fact if you or TWEAM or whomever actually read anything on here, you would see we NEVER intentionally hate on Natalie. The cards say what they say and we are not joining forces to make shit up and "cherry pick" By the way, I see everything on TWEAMS page, blocked or not. Rosa ain't the only one with a burner account. As for Evan being a human. Yep, last I checked he was a human. He is not visiting Tumblr. That man doesn't touch social media with a 1,000 foot pole. Evan is more than capable of taking care of himself. If he or anybody he knows doesn't want to read these pages, they don't have to. Neither do you. 🤷 Listen, I understand your concern, but at the end of the day, people are going to do what they do despite a tarot blog. You are trying to do damage control on Tumblr where most everybody is anonymous and half the people are on here cause they are bored. I mean, me included. If I didn't have Tumblr tomorrow I would not cry about it. In the grand scheme of life, Tumblr is not the holy Grail. I don't believe your intention was to scare me or be unkind. But, what I can say is the asks don't scare me. This is a modicum of my life. I have deleted several posts because they were straight up Rosa hating on Natalie. If I posted anything of hers, I'm always clear that I won't tolerate the hate. I don't think you all "hate" us. But, for all the posts stating there's no tolerance of it over there, I'm still seeing a lot of it allowed. That being said, I respect your opinion. I have no harsh feelings towards anyone. Come to my blog or don't. Ask me anything. The only thing I won't tolerate is hate.

[patrocles]

ok asoiaf/hotd thoughts…idk if there is even that much to say about this? but like. now that hotd is out and has been watched by a bunch of people and lots of interesting discussions have been had around it (and terrible ones but let’s ignore those for now)…i care even less about dany than i did before. and the idea of her restoring targaryen rule to westeros is The Worst. so now i’m just kind of like…what’s her point in the story??? i guess the dragons could help with the winter apocalypse stuff and fight the others and all that but dany herself? i just can’t picture her having a place in westeros at all, at least not in a way that i would find narratively satisfying. and this also ties into the idea of jon embracing his targaryen heritage (gross) and getting the iron throne which would also be stupid bc we’ve seen the targs destroy each other and themselves and the country so sticking one of them back in charge is just ridiculous. and the two of them are probably the strongest candidates for “the prince that was promised” so what does this mean for that whole prophecy?? idk what my question is i’m just rambling at this point lmao…i guess i’m saying that twow and ados should partly be about the real End of the targ dynasty and if they’re not than idk what we’re doing here. sorry if this is nonsensical lol

okay so both of these are kinda asking the same questions so i'll talk about it here!!

the idea of targ restoration is one of those theories that has a couple different interpretations and the one you described is like, kinda the worst of them lol.

like the idea of dany winning and surviving the end is not an unfounded, nor irrational theory and no one is wrong for wanting that to happen-- why shouldn't she win versus anyone else if she maneuvers in the right ways and effectively wins the game!

i think what i personally take issue with is the version of this that posits dany's conquest as a Moral Good and something that NEEDS to happen because of nebulous down-the-road threat that she doesn't even know about yet. and that other characters arcs (jon's, tyrion's, varys even?? are all veering towards targaryen restoration). i've even seen them claim that the entire point ASOIAF as a whole is about targ restoration. nothing else matters its all about getting them dragons back in power, which i think is the most WILDLY insane thing i've ever heard in my life.

i think this theory of 'targ restoration' is one that wants to have it both ways- for dany to fight and win a war of conquest, but also not be seen as a villain because of it (because of the fans own need to be on the Moral Right of things) (there's a larger discussion here about fandom and morality politics especially in asoiaf)

and frankly... that just isn't how it works.

and this is mainly bred from dany stans who never wanted dany to be anything other than a 100% Good Person who cannot be challenged on a moral level and she is always on the right side of every conflict regardless of nuance. and so when HOTD makes up this whackadoodle prophecy of aegon NEEDING to do a conquest and he was totally justified in all the fucked up shit they did, it was because of some vague threat of the Others and the Long Night to justify their dynastic claims to Westeros. (i'll be honest, i think ole king joe made that one up)

not to mention i think they've completely lost sight of the narrative function of the targaryen dynasty as a relic of a bygone era and dany IS the last of it.

and if we're being completely honest, from what i've seen of the most hardcore targ nation stans, most of them don't really care about the prophecy or the threat of the Others, but that her capacity to help should be used as political leverage (as in the show) to enforce the subjugation of everyone else. and that in fact, they should be grateful because she's the ultimate yass queen girl boss slay etc

but if that's the takeaway you get from the Feudalism Is Bad And The Chair Is A Metaphor For It books, then idk what to tell you. there's a lot of ways that you can interpret what grrm writes, but i can promise you that Conquest Is Good Sometimes is not one of them. characters want to be their own heroes and will always justify themselves however they need, but that's not the intention the reader is meant to take away from it - or at best should feel challenged by.

and dany is absolutely one of those characters. even tho she's not my personal favorite, she's a character that you're meant to both sympathize with because you've been on this whole journey with her, but also be challenged by the hard decisions ahead. its not about cut and dry good/evil, but understanding her motivations and why she makes those choices.

i think it's no question that dany will play a major part in the conflicts to come in the north and the war against the white walkers. to what capacity, i have no idea. as azor ahai, as nissa nissa? as somehow both? no idea. but what i think ultimately what dany will have to war with internally, will be choosing her war of conquest (the thing that's defined her personal growth and all of her strength) and the war for humanity.

the reason why i hate 'targ restoration' is because it reduces so many characters into this wildly simplistic box based on dynastic lineage. i super hate the inclusion of tyrion in this theory because he is Not a targaryen and that isn't the point of his story at all. and even tho jon's father is rhaegar, a large part of his arc revolving around identity is him carving out one for his own. all for him to start going by 'jon targaryen' in the end??? i litchrelly hate it. i do think jon and dany's arc are going to intertwine in some way and i hope its way more compelling than it was in the show, at least for my own sanity.

and lastly to the point of what dany's place in the world will be, i think that's something she struggles with now and will also struggle with in the future. there's the surface level wants and broad-stroke politics, but what i think is interesting will be to see a character like her rise to the heights that she will no doubt achieve in terms of Plot, but all she wants is the house with the red door.

there's an innate tragedy to just wanting to be as safe and home as she was when she was five, even if it was temporary, and what it will mean for her to ever have that again. this is really the difference between her and her brother viserys. he DOES remember, that WAS his life and his insanity is fueled by that being stripped away like so many other children in war. but it was never dany's. idk what the end of the series means for dany, but i really cant see the end of her story being with her sitting on that throne and restoring that dynasty from hell.

[genderisareligion]

!! I’m new to the new radfem/terf community and I was wondering what your opinion on sex separatism and female only spaces is? (like stores, restaurants, hospitals, trains and schools all separated by sex.) I’ve seen a lot talk about it lately on tiktok saying it’s a good thing we should do, but do you think it would cause females more issues or would things be better? I’m not sure how feel about it (like how would it work for families), I heard they have sex separated trains in Saudi Arabia and they seem to like it. if you have any information I could use or know anyone who knows more about the subject I would really appreciate it (also sorry if I’m being annoying)

Having trouble finding info on sex separated trains in Saudi Arabia and I'm no expert on women's rights there so I could be wrong, but I'm assuming that in a country where adult women weren't allowed to do basically anything without the permission of a "male guardian" until 2019, that kind of sex separatism would be different from the opt in kind radblr is usually talking about. If the sex separated trains exist because of discrimination, because of the preexisting trend of men finding women too impure and tempting to be in public life with, that's a different thing than them existing on purpose by choice of the women in order to protect themselves from sexual harassment, such as the women only train cars in Japan

But yeah on that note in my opinion female separatism should be opt in and a choice for women who want to live like that. As a lesbian "misandrist" (stop murdering and raping so much and maybe I won't feel like separating lol) I could live in an entirely female community tomorrow for the rest of my life and be fine. As far as separatism causing us more or less issues, based on how often females commit crimes compared to males, I think on average these communities are and would be safer at the very least, though not automatic utopias. Whether or not they cause more issues than a mixed space would in part depend on the women involved and how they organize it, but. Some studies have proven that women and girls perform better academically in single sex spaces. Some studies have proven on average women are happier without marriage or children.

Still, some women will always prefer to live with men. They're free to do that. Do they need to be careful while doing it, based on statistics? Yup. But go on ahead. As much as I agree with most of the Combahee River Collective, I hard disagree with their stance on separatism, which I've found among other (usually het but not always) black women:

"As we have already stated, we reject the stance of Lesbian separatism because it is not a viable political analysis or strategy for us. It leaves out far too much and far too many people, particularly Black men, women, and children. We have a great deal of criticism and loathing for what men have been socialized to be in this society: what they support, how they act, and how they oppress. But we do not have the misguided notion that it is their maleness, per se—i.e., their biological maleness—that makes them what they are. As BIack women we find any type of biological determinism a particularly dangerous and reactionary basis upon which to build a politic. We must also question whether Lesbian separatism is an adequate and progressive political analysis and strategy, even for those who practice it, since it so completely denies any but the sexual sources of women’s oppression, negating the facts of class and race."

One can be a female separatist and against biological determinism. Hi. We exist lol. I'm not saying the fact that according to the FBI crime statistics males commit 96% of all rape means they're biologically hard wired to do so, no fucking way 'cause that would let them off the hook. They choose to do stupid and heinous shit just like the rest of us choose not to. "It so completely denies any but the sexual sources of women's oppression" sure, if one's reason for separating is entirely based on being a lesbian. Mine isn't, I have multiple reasons such as wanting my likelihood of being hate crimed in general to decrease, which I would still have if I were OSA, and I'm not sure I've encountered a pro separatist whose reasoning is that singular.

[dailyrandomwriter]

Day 771

Steam had a sale so I brought games. A lot of them because most of them were under ten dollars… all of them were actually under ten dollars and a lot of them were under 5 dollars, because of the type of games I like playing and Steam sales are wonderful.

One of the games I had been playing (until I got it out of my system) was Lost and Found, and the genre is… weird. It’s one of those games where you realize that genre is a really strange way of labelling games. Lost and Found is technically a mixture of hidden object and time management, but it doesn’t really hit the mark on what you look for in those genres. After all, the point of a hidden object game is to find an object that is hidden, and time management is a genre where you’re asked to do a series of tasks in the most effective way possible to manage your time.

Even the other user-tags on Steam don't quite explain what Lost and Found is, but to explain why it is weird, I should explain what the premise is.

In the game Lost and Found, you’re a person who runs the Lost and Found area of an airport and people come up to you asking for their lost items. People who will tip you money if you give them their items back, and with upgrades, they will give bonus money if you give the item back to them quickly. Those items come on a conveyor belt every once in a while, and you take them off the belt and put them on your table before the conveyor takes them away (as it would deduct money from your savings). There’s a bunch of minigames you can play that help earn more money as the day progresses.

And here is where the two genres of time management and hidden object exist, but don’t quite exist at the same time. Technically, you are looking for the object someone is asking for, on the table of stuff that keeps collecting as the days progress. Technically you’re managing time, as you try to give items as fast as possible, take items off the conveyor belt and do mini games to earn the most money possible.

But where it doesn’t quite meet traditional standards of those genres has to do with two important mechanics in the game. The first, is that, where you put the item on the table, is completely up to you. You have control where that item on the table goes. The second thing is, at the end of the day, instead of booting you out of the play space immediately, the game requires you to click your journal to end the session even when the day is done and no customers come in.

This is important, because it means at the end of the day, you have all the time in the world to reorganize your table as you see fit. The act of reorganizing your table, makes it less of a hidden object game as you organize in such a way that you can find items quickly. 

Like I actually put lost boarding tickets in groups of four in as close to alphabetical order as I can. This way if I don’t remember which image belongs to which country, I can quickly guess which group it is in and check by hovering the mouse.

I put electronics, small accessories, large accessories, travel items (like items that would go into a bag), entertainment items, food items, shirts/coats and large bags/luggage into their own groups so I can find them quicker. 

Between that and the fact the items more or less always look the same, the game becomes more about strategy and memory. This is a very different set of skills than what traditional time management or hidden object games require. 

It doesn’t make it a bad game, it just means if you’re recommending this game to someone else, you might need more explanation than its genres, because the genres will tell you shit.

That being said, if you want a fast paced game that you can play for a few minutes at a time (or an hour or so), I do recommend this game. This sort of game I really like, it provides a different kind of challenge than what I’m used to.

[th3-c0ll3ct3r]

hey. american here. american who lives in the deep south, here. american who is trans, and gay, and deeply deeply fucking terrified of what the next four years will bring, here. i don’t think you have any fucking right to tell me and people like me that we shouldn’t be upset at someone showing their ass about this on twitter.

“people in other countries see you as cultists for being so passionate about politics” there are women who are being charged with murder for having miscarriages. there are queer people out there who are having basic medical care denied to them for the simple fact that they exist. (fun fact, saying “i don’t believe this btw but a lot of other people do” doesn’t make you sound like any less of a fucking asshole.) sorry that i and people like me give a shit about the fact that people are genuinely being wiped off the fucking map.

“in other countries ‘lol’ has different contexts” honestly the fact that you think americans can’t and don’t use ‘lol’ both ironically and sarcastically is showing how completely fucking ignorant you are. i’m not even sure i can properly express how much of a fucking moron you are for saying this, so i’m just going to call you an idiot and move on.

“people are forcing others to share their opinions” nobody forced doc to share anything. nobody fucking asked him to tweet shit. nobody said hey, doc, the guy who lives in germany and streams minecraft for a living, all your american fans are waiting with bated breath to hear what you have to say about american politics! he voluntarily shared his opinion on a public platform and then got his poor little feelings hurt when some of the public didn’t like him.

i’m aware europeans only see the sensationalized versions of our politics. i’m aware that you don’t know what it’s like. i’m aware that we’re going to experience another four years of insanity— because we are. i’m already bracing myself to lose some friends. there are already bodies being found on college campuses and in dorms from students committing suicide over how hopeless we all feel.

i’m also aware that, because of your ignorance, you’re likely to hold some dogshit beliefs. i don’t blame you for that. but i do blame you for spouting your ignorance online. americans don’t need you or anyone else to educate us on how fucked queer people and women are. we’re already fucking living it.

lol.

Well friend, I posted the very unbiased and very neutral opinion, and even in my post I did apologise for the language used and enforced that it wasn't my opinion

And I understand it seem a bit, well dumb to "dumb" something down alot. But their are genuinely people made over the word "lol" and it was mainly meant for those people who are Over-reacting to what he said and are ragebaiting other people into forcing opinions out of them

I am not made at you for leaving this in my inbox. Not annoyed, and if you need somewhere to vent then I'm here.

I have a different account on twitter with the same name that goes more into detail of the people effected by the new presidental election and I do plan on making a bigger post about how it will effect everyone.

But at the time I made the other post, it was quite late and the disgusting things that were said about his family was not tolerated

People also blamed him for the "outcome of the election", and the post was made for those people too.

I prove alot of explanations that sometimes I don't agree with, but others do and that's why I included it for context and not to be hateful or spiteful or silly. I witnessed first handed the chaos that ensued in my own college because he won and I live in the UK.

Someone slammed their head into a wall. Someone went to cancel a scholarship. Someone people left to call families.

And I don't think 1 post about "please don't harass doc's family for culture differences" will fix everything. Because it won't. And I even mentioned why I didn't think I'd fix anything, I do believe. And apologied for language used because I believe those opinions are disgusting and unkind.

I'm mainly a Minecraft blog (shocking ik), and post alot of minecraft content and rarely post other content. And that's why the post is put into the context of assuming you didn't know/other people didn't know. Because I don't know the age demographic of my "audience" and I don't know who sees it.

So it may seem disingenuous, or "stupid" but I like to put things in simplified terms and provide explanations to the point so you know it's not just me making it up, and theirs genuinely thought behind it

I've their issuing a recount because (allegedly) from 75,000 to 2 million votes haven't been casted in yet and the mail ballot haven't reached yet, and I do wish for that to come in your favour.

And again, I will be making a longer post about the effects it will have on Americans as well as the rest of the world, when someone of the conspiracy dust settles and when I have the time, because I am a full time college student (and only 17 getting ahead in a program and taking external course to give you better explanations because my writing is not the best and I use TTOS for alot of it)

Again if you do have any concerns, pop a message in my DMs, I'm not mad or anything, your message was actually nicer than many other calling me all sorts of racists things, and I can see your genuine frustration and I completely understand.

I hope to be in contact soon. Please stay stay safe

[evilsaturn]

I’m the biggest cyber stalker in the world and don’t gaf so I frequently check up on people from my past. It’s so fun I completely embrace being nosy. I will forever gossip about everyone I’ve ever met in my entire life with my gf and no one can stop me.

With that being said, most of my ex-friends are still stuck in the same parasocial relationships with k-pop singers that we had in our teen years, but the obsession is so much more intense than ever. I didn’t think it would get so bad when we’re so grown now.. I’m so glad I got out when I did even though it was still late. You can’t tell me this shit isn’t a cult.

The Scorpio who would always imply women that like younger boys are pedophiles is now the women in question. 25, every idol she stans now is younger than her and one of them is even born in 2007. She collects k-pop merch big time now, throws celebration fan events for k-pop groups at cafés, and even lies about her age to her followers so they think she’s a year younger 😭 Genuinely have no clue what difference a year makes but LMAO? Lies about her race too, which is nuts because strangely enough she has a younger sister on stan twitter that just admits she’s white! This bitch pretends she’s Japanese!

The Aries is a full time k-pop TikToker. Kinda successful but she lives in the UK so I don’t even think she’s paid off it..? Stalking her is waaay less interesting though because she’s mega fake on all of her public accounts. Went from one of the most hateful stans you could meet in your life to someone so in love with k-pop you’d mistake her for a shameless Korean fetishist (maybe she is?). She loves every group and idol and goes sooo hard for her faves. Bragging about spending thousands on idols ($700+ on merch in a day… LMAO?), flying to Korea every year, stalking celebs and so much more omg. I’m 90% sure she’s a sociopath or narcissist, but at the same time I’m not sure if someone with those personality disorders could participate in so much celebrity worship? She’s super obsessed with western celebrities too. Her whole life is being a fan… also in her mid 20s. She used to talk about her parents being emotionally stunted or something so maybe she searches for the love she didn’t get from them in celebs, but fuck it’s intense. At the same time I know for a fact she talks crazy about her faves, she has to have an Aries Mercury or something because she just says fucking anything. An odd thing she would always do is stalk a celeb or do whatever she could to get an interaction from them, but then act like it was a burden to her or like she didn’t want it to happen. But yeah I think she has to have one of those personality disorders for sure because I don’t think a normal person is able to just exploit themselves like that in so many ways…or pretend to be someone else FOR FREE!? She also doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings (or when she does, there’s a rationale behind it that sounds out of touch) and she doesn’t care about what people say about her. I genuinely feel like if she read this she would feel nothing. Even if it came from her fave 💀

Lastly, the Aquarius. Sexually harassed and suicide baited her mutuals in the past (including minors) to now obsessing over Korean and Japanese guys all day and following them around the WORLD. Flights booked year round to countries all over Europe and Asia. Super sexual with all of her mutuals to the point she even has a nsfw warning about it in her carrd. But hey, at least she’s warning people now instead of just forcing herself onto them. She’s also mid 20s.

They all have this weird thing in common where they tweet “I work full time to fund my obsession with [insert group]” and it’s sooo strange to me. Thousands of dollars spent on someone else’s happiness, or to feel like they care about you. It’s like when dudes draining their pockets on AI chicks and catfishes on Facebook, not exactly like that but still like what the fuck?? How does this bring you happiness? I never spent nearly as much as them, but how the fuck did it bring me happiness? The shit is so fucking pitiful.

You can also tell they’re aging out reallll bad because one, the Scorpio is lying about her age 😭 but the big one is when you look at their mutuals and who they interact with it’s all people years younger. Their friends (and faves) just get younger and younger because that’s who the kpop audience is.

[tobytheeggo]

Hopelessly devoted is such a cute ship name! I am one more problematic person who likes them…I stand for LGBTQ+ rights, legal abortion and I do not plan on waiting for marriage even though everyone I know off line believes different (my entire country is Catholic lol) I think that’s why I love bad guys so much, you don’t expect them live Godly lives. My question, I know Santino’s family is Catholic but France, more so in old days and esp Chile are also high Catholic countries…how do Vincent and Chidi feel about the Church and its teachings? Are there any that they try to live by in spite of the lives they live? PS I also think smoking is disgusting almost all men here do & I hate hate hate it lol

Ack okay so many things to unpack in one ask but we’re gonna get through it all!

1. The name!

I came up with majority of the JW ship names on here but with HopelesslyDevoted, I was actually thinking about the song from ‘Grease’! The original thought process was something noble for Marquis’ half and loyalty for Chidi’s half, but then I dumbed myself down and came to the conclusion of HopelesslyDevoted

2. Problematic Instances

See when I say problematic, I mean r4p3 and p3dophili4, which are two main problems with the users who write Marquis/Chidi fics on Ao3. What you believe in as stated is completely fine if not morally correct (of course, sex before marriage is a choice so no real morality there since it’s an option), so when I say there’s problematic people who like this ship, I’m alluding to those who have written these two in non-consensual context or in weird age gaps and very triggering situations for the purpose enjoyment (AHEM Laci.)

3. Views on Catholicism by the two

Now I’m gonna be honest, my family isn’t super religious, at least to the point where they’d take me to church EVERY Sunday. The last time I’ve been to church was when I was like 6 (which was a long time ago) and the most I’ve seen my family do as a whole is pray before food. So really I can’t go too much in depth with this, unless you’d want to wait days for me to do the research (I’d get distracted) considering that I’m neither French nor Latino and I don’t know how specific areas/cultures handle their devotion to Catholicism.

The only thing I can safely assume is that Chidi is very nonchalant about it now in his adult life, and Vincent’s probably ditched the whole ideology, maybe?

4. Smoking

I don’t want to offend anyone or start anything stupid, but I hate people that smoke or do drugs solely because it makes me uncomfortable knowing they’re destroying themselves so ‘violently’ (for lack of better words). I hate the fumes, I hate the rage with vapes, I hate that minors get influenced and shit (I’m a minor), and hate that I feel like I have to be chill with it even if I personally don’t like it. The same thing goes for drinking, however I feel less guilty with alcohol. This all boils down to the fact that people get addicted and it changes their lives; like I’m all for doing whatever you want as long as it’s not hurting anyone, but me personally I’m just not that person.

If anyone asks me to expand on this I will try my best to respectfully (not that I’d be mean abt it, just that I suck at wording things)

[niastar]

White supremacy at its finest. I hate living in Florida. I deal with the stupid, the racist, the ignorant, the blind deaf and dumb all on a daily basis... Sometimes it’s just one person. As a mixed-race WOC, I’ve found myself constantly being shoved into these little molds that I have never fit into and never will. But these white supremacist fuckers still keep trying. Some of whom have been family, friends, classmates, significant others. Like I don’t have enough shit to deal with being neurodivergent. 

Add the heaping pile of racism on top of it and I’m here for the party! /s

The batshit things I’ve dealt with over the years and not just in the last decade of living in this shithole state of Florida are just astounding.

Don’t fly if you have acrophobia (phobia of heights) and know you will become anxious and therefore ‘shifty looking’. You may be considered a terrorist because of it and that you’re brown skinned. You’ll get pulled out of line as a ‘random’ selection, when you know that these people are profiling you. 

I’ve flown at most a dozen times in my life. I have been pulled out of line for ‘random’ security checks each time, except for perhaps three or four - only because I was a minor and with an adult who was Caucasian. “We don’t profile for security.” Bish, please. You pull a single WOC out of line who is clearly having an anxiety attack because of the "IMPENDING DOOM” flying is to her in order to search her in front of other passengers, who look more shady than she does, causing that anxiety to skyrocket only to find nothing and then having to calm said person down because of the nothing that would even be considered a bomb you found. TSA is a bunch of fucking assholes.

On that note and continuing with government crap... 

Don’t claim you are a US citizen if you were born in another country to a US citizen. The US government won’t believe you anyway and then you get to carry around an inch thick pile of paperwork for the rest of your life, even though you have lived in the US for all of it except for those few paltry months after you were born. The fact that you have a valid SS number, driver’s license, diplomas, bank accounts, work history, passport, tax return filings - none of that matters. From what I have seen personally, if you aren’t from a military family when you’ve been born abroad, you’re just a second class civilian citizen who can be abused by the system.

Don’t apply for a job at a company that says they are an EEOC. Unless you have the skill set of a computer tech, you will find you are getting paid at least five dollars less an hour for twice (or more) the amount of work. Oh, don’t even think about promotions. You’ll get passed over for the older white woman who has a terrible customer service personality and takes fifteen minutes to do a two minute job. Meanwhile, you’ve completed five other jobs in that same fifteen minutes. Also, don’t try to teach new things to people for their benefit. They’ll just complain and you’ll probably get demoted.

Soooo many more things could be said here, but I’ve digressed really. 

Florida white supremacists think there are systemic injustices towards white people.

[tryst-art-archive]

October 2012: "Omissions"

            I have to change the names. I want to be honest with you, but already I must change the names. If I don’t, you could carry what I say here right off this page, take it out your door and walk it down the street, and somewhere out there it could cross city lines and wind up in the wrong town or maybe it would go farther and pass the state border and find itself in the wrong car without Mass plates and maybe from there it might even cross the whole country and wind up on the doorstep of someone who deserves nothing from me and yet I would not have him know what I actually think of him for all the world. If I let you carry the truth off of this page, you may give it to my friends and my family and the people I once knew but know no more and then they would know how I lie to them, in my silence, always in my silence, and I have so, so much silence.

            I cannot give you a complete truth; I haven’t enough pages. When I think about something I also think about myself thinking about something and I think about me thinking about myself thinking about something and I think about me thinking about me thinking about myself thinking about something and it goes on and on until I have a massive array of perspectives and ideas and ninety-five percent of them don’t add up, and I am excessively indecisive. What would I like to eat? I don’t know, that question is endlessly complicated. There’s what I want to eat, given any choice at all, there’s what I want to eat that’s practical, there’s what I want to eat that’s affordable or available, there’s what I want to eat that takes into consideration your needs as an individual joining me, and so forth and so on, and all in a second, so I just have to say “I dunno” and leave it at that. The Corgi—the names. I told you—has pointed out that when I say “I dunno,” what I mean is “I have a great deal of thoughts but for some reason I will not tell them to you, at least not without significant prodding.” Note also that “I dunno” is different from “I don’t know” because in the latter case I actually don’t know. The Corgi is frighteningly wonderful in this way. I spent most of my late childhood and adolescent day dreaming of this theoretical Nonexistant Man who would sweep me off my feet and marry me and we would have a wonderful life together, and his primary feature—aside from handling my every need and whim because I’ve yet to meet a woman or a man who didn’t think, for a time at least, that that’s what lovers are for—was that he would know what I was thinking without my having to say it because lord knows I can’t and that would really make things simpler. Well, the Corgi does this, has always done this, and he can do it with anyone because he is part Sherlock Holmes, part Data (Star Trek: The Next Generation, if you didn’t get the reference and if you didn’t, I’m not sure we can be friends), and part just about any character you can think of who is violently intelligent, gifted with observational skills, and utterly unable to reconcile those tendencies with normal social behavior. Of course, the Corgi has the Asperger’s-esque element far less than such characters do, but to hear him tell it, it’s just that he has a set of social stylesheets that he applies to any given situation, so it’s really more robotic than social interaction, but in any case we’ve been sleeping with each other and staunchly refusing to call each other boyfriend or girlfriend for a year and a half now, so he’s obviously full of crock and sometimes childhood fantasies aren’t total shit.

            Sometimes.

            The Black Lab was my second boyfriend, “rebound guy” (mum’s phrase; she always says it with derision which is both perfectly justified and rankling), fling, or three-month-long one-night-stand, depending on who you talk to and what kind of mood I’m in and how recently I’ve heard from him. We enjoyed(?) a prolonged flirtation period; it was drawn out first by the fact that my self-esteem was too shot, in freshman year of college, to accommodate even the idea that anyone who was not a schlub—I was dating a schlub at the time who had gone from treating his major depression (and battalion of other mental disorders) to definitively not and consequently exacerbating my own struggle with dysthymia and suicidal tendencies, and while there are a set of mitigating circumstances that make some of the events of those couple of years very human and understandable, they do not change the fact that, at the end of the day, this schlub was a massive asshole, if one in very poor circumstances, but that’s another story for another time—second by the fact that I was dating a schlub, and, when I stopped dating the schlub, by the fact that I simply didn’t want to have a rebound. After a couple of months I finally decided I’d actually spend some time with the Black Lab, and after a couple of dates that I was very determined would not be dates (but they were dates) we wound up schtupping and, of course, then we had to date. For a month.

            Well, the break up was under amicable circumstances up until the Black Lab texted the next day to see if I was free and, of course, sex happened. Well, it was inexplicable fuck buddies for two months—I did plenty of crying because, let’s be honest, I’m not cut out for this kind of bullshit—and then he went to L.A. and two months later he had a new girlfriend—I knew from Facebook that it would happen and who it would be before he even left, and that was just from incidental gleaning, so that was nice—and then I had the Corgi in short order too, and we never spoke again except to say hi on birthdays. Or this was true until I noticed that the Corgi and I had been dating for about a year and a half and also noticed that it was the Black Lab’s birthday.

            “Oh!” I thought, looking at Facebook’s birthday reminders. “I suppose I’ll wish him a happy birthday. It’s not as if I have anything against him.”

            This phrase is far more complicated than it appears, which is quickly realized when one notices how often I say it in any discussion of the Black Lab. It becomes a mantra, an excuse, an apology, and an accusation (flung at myself) all at once. I say something negative about the Black Lab—“He’s a tool,” for example—and quickly follow with the mantra—“I don’t have anything against him.” I mention that I’ve talked with the Black Lab recently and alongside “We were just shooting the shit” I also say, “and anyway I don’t have anything against him.” In conversation, this is negligible; it shows up about once per conversation and as the fellow has little to no presence in my life, the conversations are spaced enough for the mantra to go unremarked. But, as I said, I think about myself thinking, and I know I do this. I know I “don’t have anything against him” and I know that this is both true and false and I know that it is meant to deceiving myself and others. Above all, it is an excuse.

            Now then. When one wishes and acquaintance a happy birthday on Facebook, one anticipates that the acquaintance will say nothing at all, express their thanks in a comment that is just as obligatory as the birthday wish was, or, if they are feeling friendly, they may attempt to catch up with the birthday wisher, though still in a comment. It happens that the Black Lab did not do any of these things. Instead, he expressed his gratitude via text message—somehow we have both kept the other’s number, though that’s as likely to be an act of laziness as anything else. This befuddled me, and, much wiser than when I first met him, I suspected foul play, and so I was compelled to poke that foul play with a stick.

            “Yeah, no problem,” I typed and re-typed, cursing AutoCorrect. “Have a good one! :)”

            “There,” I thought. “Ball’s in his court now. Ho ho.” And so I went to go about my day when my phone dinged at me again. I read: “I plan on it! So how’s your life? What’ve you been up to?” and a barrage of other, almost identical questions.

            I decided that I have nothing against the guy and so I answered his questions as briefly and honestly as possible—I had recently done a design internship; I was pretty well; I had a new apartment in Brookline and I was very excited about it. I of course returned the courtesy: “What about you?”

            The conversation drifted back and forth for a day and a half, primarily covering the uninteresting topics of day-to-day life but eventually including some bragging on the Black Lab’s part and absolutely nothing that wasn’t simple friendliness on mine, as I carefully considered each of my responses. At one point, he revealed that he was headed to Vegas for his birthday. Lacking anything intelligent to say about Vegas, he said, “Well if you ever visit, I could take you!” I raised an eyebrow at that and decided to try to joke it out of existence: “Haha, I’d need money for that.”  With the next ding of my phone, I got the gem of the conversation: “You don’t need money. ;)”

            Well, I ignored that one and went back to pleasantries, meanwhile locating the Deer (my best friend), the Corgi (the aforementioned not-boyfriend-but-gentleman-caller), and the Coyote (the Deer’s girl/boyfriend, currently transitioning from female to male), and sharing the entire text chain, and especially that gem with them for a bit of giggling. We enjoyed our cruelties, mocking the Black Lab and concocting ways to embarrass him (never enacted). The Deer remembered the Black Lab and held no love for him—she remembered the state I’d gotten into—and asked the Corgi what he thought of this. The Corgi laughed and said, “He’s not a threat.”

            It was around then that the Black Lab asked if I was seeing anyone, to which I replied that I was, though we were hardly official, though we’d been seeing each other for a year and a half. I, of course, returned the courtesy: “What about you?” Well, I knew the answer, of course, but I wondered what he’d say.

            “I have a girlfriend that I’ve been seeing for a year and a half. It’s been nice, but I’m getting tired of it. We’ve got a three year age difference, and it’s kind of difficult.” I had a chuckle to myself—this was the same age difference he and I had had previously—and expressed my sympathy over the age difference before asking if she knew about this. She, of course, did not, and so while I tried to convince him to maybe not surprise her with that—his argument “ignorance is bliss” hardly impressed me and I felt for the poor girl, having been more or less in her shoes—I asked the Corgi what the Black Lab could be up to. “He’s got this girlfriend still, I’ve told him I have a gentleman caller, and I’m on the opposite coast besides. What’s he even doing?”

            “He’s looking for an ego boost,” the Corgi said. “The break up will make him feel guilty, so he’s trying to convince himself that he’s still got the magic—“

            “—And I’m a safe choice because I’m on the opposite coast where nothing can be acted on, plus we’ve been involved before so he’d have thought there was a good chance that I’d respond positively.”

            “Exactly.”

            I accepted this as fact and when the conversation with the Black Lab piddled out, I was mildly disappointed. Part of me wanted to reconnect—not as lovers, obviously, but as friends. “Oh, indeed?” thought the part of me that thinks about me thinking. “And how does that make sense? This tool? And he is a tool. He’s a womanizer, no matter how you look at it, and a dishonest one at that. Not only do you have nothing in common but he also clearly has no moral worth; look at his behavior!”

            “This is true,” I admitted. “But I still have nothing against him.” The second layer of me rolled its eyes and said, “Well it’s done now. Look: it’s been two weeks!”

            And indeed it had, and in that time, the tiny disappointment had vanished, and I had forgotten to think about the Black Lab at all. Indeed, I did not think of him again until the Corgi and I lay in my bed one night after he’d gotten out of work. It was about four in the morning and we were discussing Spec Ops: The Line when my phone went off. “Who the fuck is texting me at four in the morning?” I exclaimed, sitting up topless and groggy. “I mean, what the hell—“ And then I laughed. “It’s the Black Lab!” The Corgi snorted in response as I read, “So I have a question... (sorry about the late hour)”

            I responded in acceptance of the question and shortly after laying back down received “Do you love your boyfriend?”

            The Corgi and I were bemused, laughing and wondering aloud just how utterly smashed was he? I answered honestly: I did, in an unrequited fashion. The Corgi and I resumed our mockery from two weeks ago with renewed vigor. I double checked that the Corgi didn’t mind my chatting with the Black Lab; he reiterated his conviction that there was nothing to fear from that (implicitly: utterly pathetic) quarter. As we made our merriment, the conversation with the Black Lab, oblivious to my gentleman caller’s presence, continued and eventually culminated in the revelation that he intended to visit Boston again, at the end of October.

            The Deer, the Coyote, the Corgi, and I spent the next day concocting schemes. I had decided that if this visit materialized, I would, in fact, see him. I had made it clear in the four A.M. conversation that any time spent together would not resemble our previous encounters and while he had expressed agreement, I hardly believed him, nor did the others (my phone was passed around, as if we were still sixteen, so all could read the scandalous conversation). As a precaution, then it was necessary to ensure that he could not get the wrong impression, and that meant company. Perhaps a bar that all of my friends and comrades—the Corgi included—just so happen to show up to? Or perhaps we have a Halloween party and invite him, and, once again, he is forced to be the odd man out. They were simple plans that amused us and made us laugh. In social terms, they were all means of saying, “You don’t belong here,” and on individual levels they conveyed more than that. The Deer’s suggested all suggested “Don’t you dare touch her” whereas the Coyote’s mischievous ideas implied “You, sir, a dummy.” The Corgi’s, curiously, carried an air of “She is mine”—his suggestions were all the cruelest—and I, just as oddly, provided the mildest notions, looking only for a way to say, “We are only friends now. Do you understand? That time is over.”

            For a few days I spread this story around. I laughed about it with my coworkers, mused on the curiousness of the whole situation—What could the Black Lab be up to, really?—with my roommates and gentleman caller, and I even used the material for a short monologue, writing a character who expressed the darker side of “I have nothing against him”—a character who, upon hearing from this old flame, at first ridicules him, and by the end of her two pages is wondering what to wear when she sees him.

            I turned this monologue into a class who critiqued it briefly, and they caught every nuance. They did not know it was autobiographical at all. They thought it was just a story. When asked what the woman would do, they agreed that she would see this old flame, and she would cheat on her new lover with him, and I left that class distracted and worried.

            I am a person who tried to hold on to principles. There are things I believe to be true, rules for behavior that must be followed, and I do my best to follow them. The trouble is that principles are fickle. I have, over the years, developed poor self control. With each of my ex-boyfriends I have said to myself “Well, I won’t have sex with him until such-and-such a point” and on every occasion that I have said this I have, within the week, immediately broken that promise to myself. I, in fact, expected it when the question of sex came up with the Corgi. I was not wrong.

            There was a time when I was sixteen when I decided I had had enough of religious education. They wanted me to go through Confirmation—to say I was a good Catholic who believed in God. This was a lie, a fundamental lie, as I had found it difficult to believe in God when I was seven; all belief was eradicated by sixteen. It was a lie that my mother wanted me to tell, however, because she believed that being Confirmed would confer certain benefits that may have come up later in my life. To the extent that she is my mother and I have always been an obedient child, I was willing to lie for her. At least, I was until the church asked me to write a letter to a bishop explaining what my confirmation name would be and why I had chosen it. This, for me, was the final straw. Passively sitting by and allowing Confirmation to happen was one thing. Actively enabling it and putting an absolute, filthy lie to paper, blaspheming the entire idea of spirituality in the process, was quite another, and so I returned home and in no uncertain terms explained to my mother that I would not be getting Confirmed. It was at this point that my mother offered me a choice: get Confirmed and receive, in exchange, a several thousand dollar laptop—the exact model I wanted at the time which included a tablet screen—or, do not get Confirmed, give a good explanation for why, and receive nothing.

            I agonized over this decision. What would I do? What could I do? Material goods, dearly, desperately wanted material goods, on the one hand, and my very honor and principles on the other. What were those worth?

            I have never been Confirmed. This remains one of the proudest moments of my life, solidifying a principle I’d intended to hold: Convictions Before Wealth.

            There is another principle I’ve intended to hold for a long time but never had opportunity to test: Never Cheat. No Exceptions (Unless In Forced/Arranged Marriage and Unable To Obtain Divorce). Obviously this caveat is somewhat ridiculous in modern American society, but I like to be thorough. In any case, the closest I ever came to testing this one was back when the Black Lab was flirting with me and I was dating a schlubb. As I mentioned, it was inconceivable to me, at the time, that anyone (besides the schlubb who was a schlubb and therefore exempt from normal rules) could find me attractive or worth their time. I have suspected for a long time, however, that if I had gotten past that idea, I would have taken the Black Lab up on his implicit offer, and at some point that would have meant cheating or, if I upheld the principle, leaving one person for another, which is just as distasteful to my mind. But, it never came up.

            And now here we are. There is the Corgi, who is almost all I could ask for, and there is the Black Lab, who is nothing I could ask for and yet is somehow still someone “I don’t have anything against.” The end of October looms, with its threatened visit, and I have already caught myself wondering what I will wear, and yet I am just as attached to the Corgi as ever, and just as unrequited. There is a choice to be made, and I desperately need my principles to win.

[mikroaaurora]

confused

_____________________

 Woooow what a handful of a start to 2023. I think I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief about 10 times during this month and a half. I’ve defiantly also experience a LOT within the shortest time although January felt like three months compiled into just one.

The BIG, big one was that I actually met someone, well this was December of 2022 but after about a month things were going well for us, actually things were going really well. I really liked this guy and I’m pretty sure he was reciprocating the same feelings back, and for me this was quite big because I had never been in a real relationship before, I mean I had dated a girl but she was my best friend so eh, and I had also dated long-out-of-the-country distance before, but I had never actually had a real relationship, and mind you this was with a boy.

I was nervous meeting him for the first date, hell I was shitting myself, honestly I think I almost considered driving back home, but I didn’t and we had a really great night.

Fast forward we would spend hours at night talking and watching movies (especially watching movies), staying up till 6am until one of us would doze off for a bit and then laughing at the fact we can both see the sun through our blinds. It was really really good, and it became quite a consistent habit to the point where I was wishing I just had one night to myself to play games haha.

I could also see my mood changing and I felt more happier, my family noticed me feeling happier.

A few weeks later after I saw him again things started to change, I mean he had his reasons that were completely reasonable so we talked a little less, took a little longer to reply to each other but it was okay, I had to understand. I just think that it was a little hard for me since we were talking so much constantly, I think I got a bit attached and clingy so I had to pull myself out of that mindset which wasn’t as easy but it got there.

Before I knew it we were not really talking at all and I was missing him constantly, at one point I think I got a little depressed for a few days because of it, since I was thinking… was it something I did? Did I do something wrong?? Whats happening???? But no matter what I could think of nothing has me pointing the finger at myself because we had just been like normal before we stopped talking so much. I struggled quite a bit through those probably 4 days, I didn’t do anything, wake up, watch tv all day, check tiktok a few times go to sleep, that’s all I did for about 4 days straight.

Honestly I would like to say a big fuck you to tiktok for also showing me so many relationship advice tiktoks on my fyp that fed into my anxiety and stress which didn’t help at all.

That was until I got sick of being sad.

One thing that I always admire about myself and pride myself on is how I can change my mood very quickly, and instantly motivate myself to be more positive. So I did. I was more positive and productive than I had been in the last 6 months. I was finally getting around to doing things I had put off for the longest time, I was waking up early, cooking myself new recipes and it made me feel really good!

Something that also helped was that I tend to get hyperfixated on something, in this case it was a movie/ movie characters, so tiktok I take that back thank you for feeding my hyperfixation.

Eventually I decided to text him after about 2 weeks of not talking, even though I was waiting for a response from him I said fuck it.

We talked for a few days but things just went back to normal and it felt like he was detaching himself a bit. But I kept gaslighting myself saying he’s busy, and tired because he was busy, he had a lot going on, but I don’t know things told me otherwise.

Now I think the worst part of this was he never established what we are, he did mention that we were in a relationship and god we acted like it but I just need that verbal confirmation.

I am still waiting for that confirmation and sometimes he’ll do things that will make me think okay we’re all fine, but then he’ll forget things that we had planned to do and I just get sad and confused all over again.

Confused that is the big word, constantly being confused.

Now I actually want to text him and ask him about what we are because I feel like it will be too hard to meet up and idk about calling, and I would like to know sooner or later before I become more confused with myself. But I told myself I would wait until valentines day is done just encase he decides to make a move, and wait until my trip this week is done since I don’t want to make myself stressed or sad.

But as for now the ball is in his court and I’m hoping he makes a move soon.

[bitletsanddrabbles]

That’s nice, but how do I fix it?

The world has problems.

You can’t live in the world and not know it has problems. You can, to a certain extent, not know about it’s problems, but that both takes a lot of effort and is highly discouraged.

No, really. I can name multiple news casts I’ve seen that are flat out inaccurate, but people still rag on me for not watching the news. “How can you know what’s going on in the world if you don’t watch the news?!?” Dude, I don’t know what’s going on in the world if I do watch the news. The news lies like a log. My teacher’s grandson drowned in the family pool when I was in University, and the news lied about it. And yes, I could watch other countries’ news broadcasts and yes, I actually trust them a bit more than my own - especially on what’s going on in the USA - but I still don’t trust them to tell the truth.

Also, while news casters will fall over themselves to tell you about the world’s problems, they pretty much never tell you what to do about it. One of the most shocking things about the war in Ukraine, to me, was walking into the break room and having the television telling me about places I could send money to actually do something. How effective were those places? Hell if I know, but even the suggestion of how to help was, well, news worthy.

Social media is both more-and-less trustworthy and harder to avoid. I mean, I can filter for #politics all I want, but people don’t use #politics consistently, so I can’t completely avoid them.  And while they’re just as eager to tell you about societies problems - both your society and theirs - as the news, they are, if anything, less eager to tell you what to do about it.

The environment is in danger!

No shit. I give money to environmental conservation groups as often as I’m able. What else do you want me to do? Is there a particular group that would be more useful for a particular cause? What do you want me to do here? I’m afraid I don’t have time to volunteer.

The government is corrupt!

Um, yeah. That statement kinda goes with every government I’m aware of. Outside of ‘vote’, what do you want me to do about it? ‘Cause I’m already voting, been doing it my entire adult life, don’t plan on stopping, and the problems don’t seem to be going away. In fact, in a lot of cases they seem to be getting worse, and one of the biggest factors in this seems to be the government controlled news media that I really need to watch so I know what’s going on in the world. Also, my voting isn’t really going to help people in China or Ukraine or anyplace else on the other side of the world, unless there is very specifically something on the ballot about helping them. Hell, unless we’re talking about the National ballot, my vote won’t really do anything to help someone in another state.

I get that there are cultures where ‘complain about the problem without actually trying to fix it’ is a social building exercise as much as anything, so I can look at the news that crosses my dash from other countries and think ‘this is not meant for me’ and ignore it, but I also get railed upon for doing that! I should absolutely care about the terrible things that other governments are doing to their people! All the time!

But what am I supposed to do about it?

'Cause all I can come up with is ‘vote’, which I do and which has limited impact outside of my own country; ‘send money’, which I do to the best of my ability, if I can figure out where, and which people sneer at as ‘not doing enough’; and ‘send in the military’, which other countries tend to absolutely hate unless they’ve specifically asked for them and sometimes even then. And, I mean, I don’t blame them for hating that last one, but what else do you want me to do?

‘Cause honestly sitting around being continually told that I should be doing something about the civil wars and environmental destruction in other countries, but that nothing I know how to do or can readily do is sufficient, and that I am a typical, horrible, self centered, uncaring American for not knowing all about it and pitching in to make it stop isn’t really doing anything except making me kinda suicidal.

By which I mean ‘I should be in therapy but I don’t trust therapists to actually be effective’ levels of suicidal.

And I mean, yeah, that would be one less white American plaguing the world, which hey! That’s a good thing, right? But it would be one less white American voting in favor of human rights, environmentalism, etc., donating to charity, and writing fan fiction for people to enjoy and use as escapism. It won’t help the country’s staffing shortage one bit, since increasingly few people are willing to put up with people’s shit and pack their groceries for them. So, you know, tell me which is more important there and I’ll take it into consideration, although I’ve promised my mother not to leave her with the cat if I can help it, so if you really want me gone, you’ll have to wait a bit.