#LIKE THERES 8 BILLION PEOPLE OUT THERE. ME???

[yippeeometer]

here are some ships i believe in with my life with the full intent of pss pss pssing my fellow swashbucklers into my comments :D

NH/VT/ME. hammy monty and maine. not only do i think they match each others freak i think they actively make it worse. theyre the definition of new england gothic not in the sense that theyre trying to haunt people but in that they own lighthouses and like to stand in big empty fields freaking out the locals. also they dont come seperately im afraid monty IS inside maine's sweater during ur meeting

WY/MT. oh my god my wife is a bitch and i love her. my wife is a bitch and shes mean to me and im thinking of throwing myself into a volcano to see if theres any nice rocks i can get her. wy has the kind of social anxiety where he hasn't seen anyone in 6 months bc hes afraid to leave the house but he has to be physically glued to montana to not commit violence.

UT/CO/NM/AZ. my four corners you are soooooooo precious to me i cant believe it. theyre the warmest cuddle pile u can imagine. theyre hatting each other w sticks. theyre a one star rated tribute act. theyre the couple fighting in the dairy isle. theyre having dangerous sex to the soundtrack of paddington 2. theyre everything.

PA/MA. theyre just serving toxic codependent loserhood. they trauma bonded once when they were 17 and thats it since. theyre sooooo disgustingly meant for each other that youre begging them to just split off from the country bc getting a room just isnt enough atp.

WA/OR. breaking news the two worst people you know have found each other and have only enhanced the things about them you hate. they hate to see two bitches serving cunt but unfortunately, these hags are fused together and they'll stay that way to spite you. they publicly divorce 8 billion times a week but ore is caught multiple times gossiping to his husband in morse code when phones are eventually banned from the table.

NY/NJ i can't explain this one anymore than its just the most down bad behavior youve ever seen subtley disguised by the age old excuse of 'its just satire'. mans staring at ur ass in the meeting talking ab 'oh its for the bit'. im just saying ik you two like to fight but does he really need to straddle you to get a punch in.

IL/NV okay yeah it started off as a joke but like. the two scariest little freaks trying to out mafia each other. nevada blushing kicking his feet as illi sends his fourth hitman of the week bc nv was flirting w everyone and their mama to get back at him. utah looks at him with a mixture of confusion and dispear.

[theclosetedskeleton]

WHOLESOME POSTING STARTS NOW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <3333333333

[day-mark]

cant even begin to explain how much dream has raised the bar when it comes to my attraction to men

[paper-mario-wiki]

Could you explain how Ambrosia is able to come back after dying?

1

Sure yeah, I'll give it a shot.

[Fursona Lore/ Mild Existential Horror presented in charmingly primitive MS Paint style under the cut]

2

[At the top of the panel there is the label "conceptual space (currently being created. The middle is labeled "THE UNIVERSE, REALITY (the other)". The bottom is labeled "CONSCIOUSNESS, REFLECTION (the self). The very bottom of the panel reads "OTHER, FREAKIER BUT LESS IMPORTANT STUFF" ]

To keep it brief, a person is when a certain amount of consciousness slips upwards into reality. Consciousness is, like the laws of thermo dynamics [sic], a fundamental property of the universe.

3

I'm sure you've heard of the sticking-a-pencil-through-paper metaphor for theoretical wormhole travel, right? Staying within that visual metaphor, imagine the moisture in the air around that "piece of paper" as what consciousness is. It creates tiny, imperceivable changes in the surface and makeup of the paper. Imagine a microscopic rain cloud making a tiny fraction of the paper a little bit soggy. That's what you are in the universe. A tiny soggy fraction of a massive piece of paper. (That's why you feel so small btw).

Of course, putting it into that metaphor IS greatly simplifying it, since in real life things like time and space sorta overlap, ya know? Because they're entirely separate dimensions of measurement. Consciousness is the same, it is everywhere in the universe all at once, but only after it seeps in from a place that is exactly where we are, but elsewhere. 4D stuff is complicated sorry if that's not super clear ha ha.

4

Normal people happen when a bunch of that stray potential-consciousness starts stacking more and more layers of reality on top of itself. Sort of like those pastries that you fold butter into and then fold it like 10 times and that makes it so theres like a billion layers of butter and dough and butter and dough and butter and dough and on and on and on. But with, uh. The other stuff. Consiousness and matter from the universe.

Speaking semantically, that's all the little tiny organisms that work really hard to make you alive. Like the biome in your gut, or the bacteria in your tissue and blood cells. Look it up, 43% of the human body is made of bacteria. Like, that's just on google.

Anyway, all their effort culminates in an increasingly complex meat shell that constitutes a person.

5

For the sake of practicality, we can imagine the way consciousness "seeps in" to the universe is like heat coming off the sun. The two overlapping infinite planes radiate into each other like heat radiates off the sun.

That clear? Heat from the sun. Remember that, it's important for the next part.

6

I'm sort of like a solar flare.

My consciousness, in its raw form, was so concentrated that it was like a tiny shooting star straight from the source.

Also kind of like a kidney stone, I guess.

7

Since my consciousness (which, to be clear, is approximately the same "amount" of consciouessness as anyone else, just all smooshed together into a single clump) is smooshed together into a single clump, the shell forms naturally as "reality" settles onto it. The "shape" the consciousness takes is basically the same as your body or anyone else's since the framework of both entities are the "same" on the "outside". Thus the "shells" turn out "similar" too.

Sorry for all the quotation marks, it's hard to talk about concepts outside of the third dimension in third dimensional terms, and like. I also am not super sure about this stuff either. I'm only relaying what I've learned from the scientists but some of it goes over my head.

I like to think I'm clever but like. I'm not a genius.

8

So here's the part where me and you are different: When your shell breaks apart (when you die) it's because the consciouessness had been escaping your shell, like air from a balloon, and the physical structure can't support itself anymore. Or, like, maybe you just fall over and hit your head on the concrete one day and pop the balloon all together.

Either way, the consciousness escapes from the pressure, and either goes back "down" where it came from, or goes upward into conceptual space, which is sorta being constituted through forces exerted in the physical universe. Well, I mean, really it's more of a product of a reaction between consciousness and physical space. Whatever I'm getting off topic.

The point is the shell breaks cuz the balloon pops. I think that was my point.

9

Now that you get all that, you can probably deduce on your own how and why I'm able to keep "coming back".

It's cuz I'm not really "coming back", I'm still here! The shell representing me here was just lost.

10

And while the facade may not look precisely the same every single time...

11

I remain the same.

[notedchampagne]

hey boss here for some bad relationship advice, not on anon because my mother raised me right.

i think im probably some flavour of aromantic (but i have a job so idrc abt that) because ive only ever had a crush on close friends and alot of the time my brain interpreted a deep connection as needing to be romance. i have since figured out that pattern and it hasnt been happening anymore. which brings me to my question: i really dont feel any desire to have a romantic partner, but i feel like im missing out since all my friends have one or are yearning for one. is anyone who doesnt see romantic relationships as automatically worth more than friendships doomed because of #society? thanks boss!

i think about this often. in a beautiful world i would be perfectly happy living in a house with some of my friends because i would be ticking off all the social desires i could dream of. i dont need a partner now and i wouldnt need one in the future. i would like a partner because i think it would be fun and interesting like having an exclusive best friends club. but that fact is that youre not #doomed because theres like 8 billion people on this earth and plenty have lived happy lives single. if youre happy with your friends then there you go

[maukiki1-but-cringefail]

i swear to fucking god im not a hater but if i see another fucking badly-made thumbnail boring neurotypical straight guy with lame monotone voice talking over buncha mfb clips video of the worst metal fight beyblade takes ive ever seen with the unfunniest jokes im gonna rearrange the DNA sequence of the closest person to me to that of a Doto greenamyeri nudibranch because i swear to god just shut the fuck up.

how the fuck do you meatheads base how much you like a character over powerscaling and win ratio. would you prefer a wild bear over your own mother because the bear is stronger than her? thats how you fuckin sound like. i gotta rant this shit out because i had enough if i hear another fucking "ryūga da goat🥶🐐" "beyblade really is that serious🤣" "This show is so acoustic😵" "did you know that moses split the sea with a be-" WE FUCKING KNOW THE WHOLE WORLD KNOWS AT THIS POINT. ALSO IF YOU DEADASS USE AUTISM AS AN INSULT LET ALONE USE THE WORD ACOUSTIC OR ARTISTIC FOR IT STAY 7 KILOMETERS AWAY FROM ME AND ALSO DONT WATCH METAL FIGHT BEYBLADE EVERYONE IS GAY AND AUTISTIC YOU KNOW WHY⁉️ which cishet neurotypical out there makin spinning tops fight with neon green or blue whateverthefuck hair half the cast looks like they been hiding in closet before their debut episode.

PRIME example of these bad takes is , because of powerscaling again the hate on masamune ? i thought people hated him because they thought he was annoying (like how i did when i first watched it when i was little) (FOUR YRS OLD) and like id get that as in he talks alot or whatever but people hate him because. fucking. "he has a low win ratio and claims to be the number one blader" BITCH THATS A 15 YR OLD. or like around that age somewhere you get the point. so what if the taco doritos colour palette guy a little confident in himself bitch you hate fun you hate sillyness. people also use him as like a tool to praise kenta? constantly i see takes like "kenta is like masamune if masamune didnt suck" or something as in they both try to rise to the top and get stronger but one of them doesnt talk shit like did you know you can praise a character without putting down the other one motherfucker. another one is "masamune isnt a legendary blader because he talks shit but cant actually back it up" Hey my brother in Allah lets play a little game. which one of the fucking legendary bladers talks big about himself. you have ten seconds. 10...9...8....KING. KING IS RIGHT THERE .

also saw someone say damian shouldve been a legendary blader⁉️⁉️mf that boy was on rearrangement stereoids the effects of that wouldve already worn off by the time of metal fury how does that even WORKK😭😭 he was probably off with 3 big fucking pet dogs to eat custard pudding or sumn idk .Ryūga dickriding has been a thing for for ever but right now for some reason people decided they didnt talk about that guy enough. theres so many videos on him guys there are other characters to talk about i can write a three billion word essay on damian but i dont think i can say anything about ryūga that hasnt been said at this point. also the people who claim hes alive BECAUSE hes alive in the manga is crazy like yall cant see those as two different universes? im not saying wether if i think hes alive or not this isnt about that dont miss the point. i wanted to make text posts about mfb for forever but i was embarrased for god knows why so i just posted my mfb fanart on my main but i cant take it anymore (eatina burger with no honey mustard) must speak this time im afraid

also sorry if this is hard to read im not good at ending sentences where i should punctuation jumpscare. powerscaling mfs will hear u say u like a character like for example tsubasa or sumn and immediately bring up ryūga like shut the fuck up this shit happened on twitter i dont even use twitter i opened the app for 000.1 seconds. you just jelaous ryūga will never serve like did mf also im not a ryūga hater anyways i reached the character limit fuck

[enlighten3d]

Hi sorry I know this might be really personal and you obviously don't have to answer if you don't want to but you post a lot about being aroace and I've been thinking about that for myself kind of a lot lately and was just wondering how you know for sure that that's what you are as opposed to not having found the right person yet kind of thing that people always tell you.

Again sorry personal absolutely don't feel pressured.

mmmm okay so! idm answering this, im happy to help (: but for claritys sake: i am asexual by definition, but i dont indentify as such! i only id as aromantic bcs thats the only indentity that actually feels important and like a part of me. might not make any sense but whatever lol

how i knew that im aro? i just. found the label, and was like, 'sure, why not.' and it stuck. its... for the difference between being aro and not having found the right person yet, its that, well. okay, so what if youre not actually aro? you do meet someone you love romantically even after youve ided as aro for years? cool, whatever, you can keep the aro label, or change it. or you never do fall in love romantically, and dont need to do anth abt the label.

what im saying is... mm okay label is a misnomer. i once heard someone say that labels are more akin to fridge magnets - you stick them on, and maybe they stay and you like how they look and make you happy. or maybe you stick them on and they look bad and you dont like them so you take them down. or maybe you stick them on and you like them for a while, but it starts feeling wrong eventually, so you take them down. labels - like magnets - arent permanent.

its impossible to really, truly, make a mistake in finding a label that explains your experiences. even if its wrong, there was smth that felt right abt it at that time. its a part of your journey. we, as people, are ever-changing - its literally impossible to know what will happen tomorrow, nevermind in a few years (sorry the isat reference is mostly unintentional).

so how did i know? i stuck the aro magnet on. and i like how it looks for now, maybe forever. maybe ill find the 'right one' or whatever, or maybe i wont. if i do, then whatever, down goes the magnet. if i dont (and i dont think i will, for the record! i dont have any Reasoning, its just... okay ill explain this next paragraph), then up there it stays. youre free to say youre aro for now and then change it if it ever changes. theres nothing stopping you, nonnie

as for yeah, whatever vague wording i can give to my reasoning, its... standard stuff, sorry. ive never understood romance? i think its completely fucking unnecessary and overrated. stupid, even. i straightup Do Not Get It. i forced myself to say i have a crush on a guy in gr4 bcs everyone else was talking abt crushes. decided i was romantically attracted to this girl in dance class bcs i liked her vibes. trying to conform to actually wanting romance when i just dont. dated this girl in gr8, and then when we broke up (i am bad at communication and unfortunately incredibly fucking clingy), i was like... 'huh, i didnt really feel that different about her than i did abt any of my other friends'. i just really really cared abt her and wanted to be close w her, and the only way i knew how to do that was 'romance'. but that wasnt it. found out abt aro ppl (forget how; memory is Trash), and was like 'oh damn, thats... that makes sense'. i definitely had a crisis and Logic but i do not remember that, sorry. all of this is pieced together from old text messages and half-remembered memories hajdjdzkzos

imo the concept of a 'right one' is pretty damn fucking stupid (/nay; at Society). 8 billion ppl on earth. im not going to find this hypothetical right one who can change absolutely everything about me and my identity. ive got the ppl around me that i already love. im happy w that. chasing after some hypothetical infinitesimal chance of a person whos Perfect for oneself is just a damn waste of time

so just... these decisions dont have to be permanent, nonnie. youre allowed to be wrong and realise that you werent actually aroace. youre allowed to be wrong. so if you want my advice? say youre aroace. stick the magnet on, see if it falls off or not. its still a valid and valuable part of your journey. youre allowed to be wrong. youre always allowed to be wrong.

i mean, afterall, how can one be sure that they ARE allo? that they WILL find that 'right one'? through experience. so fuck around, find out. stick that magnet on.

good luck (: i rly rly hope this is helpful and not just me repeating what youve already heard, sry for yapping so much LMAO. i have a lot to say

[thepowerisyouth]

MONEY / FINANCE STRESS CONTENT WARNING, this next line is unfortunately quite stressful about money so this was an important warning for me to add:

This is also less for the random strangers on the internet who have no reason to trust my advice but more for the 10-15 people I know personally who trust my money advice based on prior experience and Ive sent them my blog link in the last month or two

US stock market is about to tank. On a global perspective its stupidly overpriced because markets like China are hitting 5 year lows (as in we've increased our stock market over 2x since "COVID lows", but their market is even lower than it was then.

Timing is hard but it is entirely possible yesterday was the peak of the market. Might also not tank for 6 months.

Market psychology is fucking weird tho so please absolutely dont 'short' anything, which is basically the same as 'buying puts'. Michael Burry nearly bankrupted all his friends, family, and random investors by insisting on 'shorting' things based on knowledge of impending crisis.

Just sell everything. I mean literally everything. Bond etfs might go up but youd have to have eyes glued to the charts to sell in time. Gold wont do, neither will bitcoin. Their negative correlation to stocks isnt really a thing anymore.

Get every etf, stock, whatever into cash in the brokerage account, then move it out of the banks/brokerage firms and into something physically in front of you because we are, in fact, in another 'historical period of bank runs' its just not quite at the peak yet.

Not trying to increase anxiety beyond nessecary-- its just that any, single bank can immediately freeze your money-- leaving it up to the Federal Government to pay you back-- and it might possibly be the case that youd have to rely on whats called a "bank bail in" to see your savings again.

Not a fun situation to be in, even if it wont happen to most people its just safe practice to do this during a "historical period of bank runs"

----------------

This blog is basically my diary of my thoughts (suprise suprise). But Im an open book, privileged (but poor) little white boy with complex societal/generational abuse and very little home problems so lets fucking go theres a whole mormon cargo van to unpack

Definitely recommend tags Im terrible at them.

---

To those reading this, if you have ever met me in real-life or on the internet than you have taught me varying degrees of information which can be randomly retrieved by my brain at any time depending on current CPU performance. Thoughts of my loving husband have occupied my headspace probably 95% of my time since 14 so he has absolutely taught me at least 100x more than anyone else in the world.

When I say "I", oftentimes Im thinking about "me and my husband", or even sometimes "me and my friends/family", or even sometimes "me and society"--- but I am not always 100% aware of the current headspace environment and/or beliefs of the minds of those around me without feedback

---

There are currently over 8 billion individual varieties of the global human language spoken within the mind. Lets start translating them all. Misunderstood words become mean labels.

I fucking hate mean labels

"Math wiz" = racism and/or classism and/or gender shit. Fuck that shit

When a person is niched off into one part of an 8 billion population human society, it becomes impossible to not "live in a bubble". Bubbles change in size constantly even if not visibly observed. Bubbles can be different sizes depending on your current day-to-day thoughts of your own society. Bubbles must pop. Enlightenment implies life only gets better the more times ya pop and lock it

My path away from purely mathematics, logic, and scientific theory began when I met my husband, and for the first time in my life it became important to me not to be an asshole to everyone around me

Ive been told (only after I started dating my traumatized husband tho and helped him heal a lot) that I'm a natural communicator-- and all my life I found myself listening and learning to everything and everyone around me trying to understand both their and my own motivations-- then I like to garble them up and spit 'em out. My memory recall ability is wonky tho and fluctuates highly with nutrient intake-- I'll get into that later

I wish I could have a million years to read every blog on tumblr. I really do. Connecting & communating is extremely important for understanding one another but it takes time

I had an extremely unique childhood (who hasnt lol), enough so to isolate myself quite a lot through sheer dumb luck. My mom is also everyone's favorite school teacher so of course I was learning a lot from a young age. Luckily I glued myself to the first person who wanted to glue themselves to me equally & we grew exponentially closer to eternity

If its still not clear: my husband and I are bored and love chatting with people, but like most internet loving freaks my mouth don't work sometimes well but my fingies do. My ears got fluff a lot but I got eyes for LEDs like a hawk. Wish they werent LED tho

I also have a naturally short sleep cycle (i.e. extra time for this), and I really wont be offended or weirded out by someone reading through and liking 20+ or whatever of my posts at once randomly. Stories are supposed to be read in chunks, and I think of this blog as a story & also workspace for my thoughts that Id love to see which chapters everyone has read through. Also I love (and only respond positively to) positive feedback, yet also suggestions for ways to improve my "theorums". As in, good faith discussions are totally welcome on any post.

For my 50 year old parents reading my blog so lovingly in their limited evening time-- you can sort by tags to see what topics your familiar with, if you play around with the search function while on my page. Mom. Show dad how to do it

In the very, very bottom of my blog I dont even think I managed to tag shit properly-- but its the roughdraft workings of the philosophy, as well as my own logical framework for answering lifes questions. Its 2 months ago so I might not even be writing according to my own works down there anymore idk I change fast sometimes

Last thing for now here is that I was always criticized by teachers for not showing my work, and for not reviewing my tests before turning in, and I pushed back hard because nearly every time I went over and corrected a mistake-- I saw I most often got it right the first fucking time on a pure hunch. I act on impulse when I'm not meditating mostly for efficiency purposes because I believe I'm correct, but remain open to emotionally positive feedback so I can help remove all doubt.

-------

This might turn into my 'life story' post, as its already going there. Heres what I have so far in the way of my knowledge of my family before I was brought into existence, and my "earliest memories":

Family context:

I dont know jack shit. Nobody talks about it at all.

Here's my own observations Ive made using the framework and perceptive filters I was given--

My whole family is white Texans.

Ancestory is slaveowners of course, further back is a very likely direct parent-child descendent line from the most famous inbred british royalty of the 13th century i.e. King John, whose brother was the arab genociding Richard.

I would call my immediate family as upper poverty class. Its more like poverty with extra privileges cause mental health stigma was the only thing holding them back not other shit too.

As children we had a lot of very privileged opportunities because my parents made a lot of sacrifices to try and bring us back up the class ladder. Lets look into that generational trauma issue

My dads parents (born in the early 40s, dont know the year exactly. I think '43 or '44) were more upper middle class, pretty high income. Owned an insurance business that was very successful by the early 2000s at least. My grandpa is described to me as a "monster" and "violently abusive". I have a single memory of him screaming at me as a young child and I was cowering under a desk, so I really believe it. No other stories at all to provide context.

-- I gotta split this section off I realized I wrote the next thing about post-me context Ill need to move this part lower down later--

My grandpa got early onset dementia, my dad didnt notice in time, and my grandpa bankrupted his successful company and lost several million of dollars to "scammers and sexy ladies."

My dad found out around 2015-16 or so. He told me a little bit after telling me my grandparents were getting divorced. My dad managed to scrape together about $200,000 which is being sued for by the IRS actively.

(He split that money in two, and entrusted me tell him how to invest half in safe value stocks that I handpicked as well as a calculated risk allocation to bonds which we sold for 30% profit the second the market crashed. He gave the other half to a brokerage advisor. I never met the advisor but saw the results. Dont get me started on how the other dude did with that money-- we started this endeavor in January 2020.)

Personally I also dont believe that its possible to spend an entire fortune on scammers and strippers, so Id love to see his books and figure out what the hell went wrong with that asshole. I have a hunch I know something more than anyone else ("Enron", guys, we're talking about an insurance company in HOUSTON, in the 2000s) but I will never be sure without the books.

----

Back to other family--

I do not know a single thing about my grandma on my dads side. She raised me quite a lot, but yeah I literally have only heard her life described to me as "she was a housewife"

On my moms side, my Mimi (also born 1940s but slightly younger so I think 1946 or 1947) came from a divorced, upper middle class family. In 1964-65, She and her step mom both got knocked up the same year so she watched her divorced dad remarry to said step mom when she was 18-19 and getting a shotgun marriage herself, so you can imagine what that was like. The "biological" of the two moms was a very good mom and very queer from what I hear. She died when I was a baby, from lung cancer. Thats all I know. My mimi raised me quite a lot, nearly equally as much as my mom did

My mom's dad, my Papa, came from a rural farming family in East Texas. Dont know much else of anything, but he and his siblings were named "Billy, Bobby, and Betty". As in, they are what everyone likes to call "hicks"

--

Moving onto my direct parents now. I know a little more about them of course, but since we're getting closer in age to the present-- I think itll be easier to describe my understanding as common stereotypes. If its unclear what I mean definitely feel free to ask, but I'll probably say "I dont really know"

Not much else is relevant other than knowing that my moms family was the mormon one, but that as soon as my dad was love-bombed by the church he joined to. Mormons were also different in the 90s I'm told.

My dad struggled with being one of the "crazy schizos" of the 90s. As in, very traumatized, upset, and gaslit by the government and his parents. Must have done a damn good job dealing with it by the time he was in his late 20s and I popped out cause he was never a "bad dad" to me at all. Definitely yelled and was more angry at times, but less than any other friends parents Ive ever met, and from what I remember he came into my room at night and apologized to me literally every single time within like 5-10 minutes. I know pretty much nothing about him pre-me. He was a tradesman my whole life and specialized in remodeling kitchens & bathrooms (the 'dirty work of construction'). All his initial clientele were the rich people my grandma lived near and was friends with.

My mom would have been extremely queer-presenting and posting on tumblr if born in the year 2000, but was born in early 70s, and was a raegan teen in high-school in Texas during the satanic panic-- she presents completely cis, straight, but has body dysmorphia issues. Thats about you need to know about those issues I'm sure my tumblr folks can assume the rest and be perfectly correct. Cause thats about all I know too and I'm assuming the rest about my own mother

--- Earliest memories

I think a lot of people face doubt about their own earliest memories, maybe hearing the way I connect the images of these events in my head to my emotions I felt will help others do the same.

----

Two disclosers about me & my current healthcare discoveries before moving on

1) My only "major" childhood trauma is loneliness. I have a partner now (started dating early high school, nearing 10 years together now) who was just as lonely and we are glued to each others side constantly, and have made our life work great that way. So don't feel too bad reading this, I'm only able to write it down because Ive healed that trauma and can dig this stuff up with no issues to validate the emotions I felt even as a child

1) I believe I have a genetic trait that is only just getting discovered. There are something like 6 discovered mutations that hold this similar trait so far, and its just basically chronic insomia.

It being a genetic trait tracks with how my mom describes me as never settling into a normal sleep pattern at 6 months old, having absurd amounts of nightmares and death anxiety keeping me up at night as a child, and I still dont sleep at any given time. I average 2 hours less sleep than my husband, who averages 7-8 now that he isnt actively being abused at home.

Going to get sequenced but even if negative I'd probably just be a 7th mutation, as they only found the other 6 genes via case study.

The scientists whove discovered it call it "Familial Natural Short Sleeper", if you desire to look it up. They describe the trait like its the best possible thing in the world. Well... terminally chronic insomia is not the best thing in THIS world thats for sure.

---------

My "earliest memories"

These arent ranked by time accurately of course. Took enough effort digging through my brain to turn them up, not like Ive got a 2003 calendar stuffed in here as well.

I did do my best to sort by first memory but it also might be sorted by the order at which I recovered the memories as being one of my "earliest" when I was a child and asked such things

1. Pure emptiness. I can only describe it as dissociation. I can remember nothing about the environment around me, except feeling suddenly sucked out of it, seeing only darkness, feeling almost a ringing in my ears and the deepest dread possible. This same feeling followed me in life for a little while, but started to take more visual shape when I was an adolescent, until at some point I would see myself sitting in a chair alone in a room that is infinitely sized but that slowly gets darker the further out you go. I cant remember what exact "real-world" event caused this feeling to ever happen each time it did. I just can remember having it happen occasionally when I was awake and doing things. Definitely dissociation. (If you are willing to believe me further I think its just probably "lights out" and being scared of that)

1. Riding a mattress down the stairs. I kind of remember two images, one is the tunnel vision of going high speed down the stairs and the other would be from looking back up at the stairs when I was done going down. Totally fun, probably my first rollar coaster ride. I might remember my siblings laughing too but it wouldnt be because I can remember the actual laughing-- but I can remember feeling the joy of being in a group of people laughing. At the time, my parents were selling the house so thats why I also remember it being a completely empty carpeted room that we were riding down into

2. My brother smashing his head repeatedly into the refrigerator for 'fun' and someone saying "wow he has a hard head" or something along those lines. I was learning english I cant remember exactly what they said but that was definitely the meaning I took from their words. I think this memory is strong, because I was truly very curious as to why my brother was just running at full speed, head down, and headbutting a hard surface. The words someone said after that must have been one of my first 'answers'

3. Watching my siblings play in rare Houston snow. Not much remembering there actually. Probably just thought it was mezmorizing to watch as I just really remember a picture and feeling peace

4. Will add more later.

[mattmaesonnatural]

i work for a media company and ive had this thing for a guy (i’ve known him for 4 years) who i am a cohost with on podcast (there’s 3 of us, the 3rd host is actually the lead talent and is basically like a father figure to me) for over a year now. We have good chemistry and thats as far as anything has gone.

Last summer i had a bad situation happen at a bar and i told him about it and he made me feel really safe about bringing it up to him and helping me through it.

Right now i feel like he is the last person i could trust to bring up that to.

I care about him. I do not think he is a terrible person. I know he is emotionally unavailable. But in the last 6 months or so has been very weird towards me in his behaviour. As in used to be super friendly chatty silly nice. To arrogant and straight up mean. I’ve gotten 4 dm’s in the last 6 months about how he treats me on the podcast and for a while (maybe i was blind) i did not believe those messages until as of late. (He does not know about these messages)

He has never been in a real relationship as far as i know (yes red flag) but I’ve had a few people tell me that he caught feelings and is self sabotaging the friendship or flirtationship or whatever this is (this happened about a month ago) i’ve taken it as he figured out that i have feelings for him and he hates me. Clearly we have not talked about this as i don’t want to rock the professional side of this.

I see this man about 3 times a week. But i noticed he stopped looking at my instagram stories, he stopped interacting with my content, he has stopped acknowledging me by my name (he calls me ma’am), he will ask the other guys i work with questions about their life but never me anymore, some of the bigger projects i’ve worked on some that he is even apart of he gave me no credit or even a good job. About 2 months ago i had a different producer step in to help as I couldn’t be on the show due to a bigger project i was working on, this producer had 8 episodes to take care of and i caught this man telling him he’s the face of the podcast as i was standing right behind him.

There’s a billion other bare minimum moments that made me think we were getting back to the friendship we had. But then theres other moments where it’s like it’s all ruined by his doing. I am a lover girl to my core, my other colleagues all very respect what i do and yet my own cohost has made me feel so frustrated and pissed off about his behaviour towards me i am considering leaving the podcast but i feel like i owe it to myself to be mature enough to bring up some of this behaviour and how it’s made me feel.

I don’t want to make this an HR issue. It feels too personal and explaining this to one of my good guy friends he told me to call him out on his bullshit cause he’s just being rude. That he’ll either make excuses or actually listen to what you are saying.

I might be too in my head about it but i want to be open and honest about this with him cause i want this to be fixed i want to make sure this comes across as i need you to understand that the things you do are making me feel this way and its up to you to decide what you’re going to do about it.

I just need advice on how i bring this up? how i can start this conversation without it turning in to a blame game? I have to do this otherwise i feel like im just throwing in the towel because i got my feelings hurt.

[relentless-endurance]

Hello, I love to encourage violence, please any of the following Choose Violence ask game questions you feel up to answering: 1, 3, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13, 16, 19, 20, 21, 23, 24, and 25!

'Isn't that basically all of them?' Yes! yes, it is. If there are any I didn't list that you wanted to answer, feel free to answer those too. I love drama, give me the chisme, peel it and feed it to me like squapes.

LIKE SQUAPES. fun fact: i have a squapes keychain on my lanyard. (alongside shoebill, Crow destiny 2 and (redacted) from Pandaemonium)

I will do xiv because. because.

answers them all because i have the day off, why not

the character everyone gets wrong

thats tough bc every character has those ppl that get them utterly wrong; I have particular beef though with the "emet was right and hydaelyn was evil" crowd because it just. it glosses over everything Emet did and acts like what Hydaelyn had to do was the worstest ever amen how dare she, when its like. Both of these characters did what they thought was necessary, but there is a gulf of difference between "I would let billions die to bring my world back" and "I sundered the star to avert a far worse disaster"

because i think people fail to realize. they were just going to keep sacrificing to Zodiark lol. (ALSO THERES ENDWALKER SPOILER STUFF as to why I will die on the hill defending my crystal mom)

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

see last ask! that was a dm a person sent me lmao. at least??? they warned me???

6. which ship fans are the most annoying?

this is going to be hilarious coming from me but i'm not much a fan of most zenoswol or emetwol shippers (in spite of enjoying the former) because the discourse surrounding it all is fucking. INSANE. and there are just ways they mischaracterize both characters that drive me fucking BONKERS. So I stay in my brainworm corner with select people and I keep emet selch as a bitter ex because its honestly a lot funnier

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

Amon/Fandaniel. Specifically the clown wearing Asahi's skinsuit and the guy from crystal tower. there is just. a vibe. about it. that i do not fucking like how the fans engage with it. i can't explain it concretely it just fucking bothers me.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

sorrows of werlyt is not gaius' redemption it is him suffering consequences of his actions. if its anything close to redemption atonement is probably a better word for it and also the wol still fuckin hates his guts you can see the faces in the cutscenes. he calls u a fried when at best ur coworkers for that.

also i'm a stormblood enjoyer till i fuckin die. this is not a discussion i had fun thats it that the message

9. worst part of canon

the fact that ARR didn't lean more into the fact that you were the WoL from 1.0, ARR's writing in general.

also in general there is more bits in the msq where i wish we could uh. bite back a little harder instead of just being a silent protagonist.

10. worst part of fanon

oh god. theres a lot. probably the uwu soft imperialism that people get up to with certain ships (esp bc certain characters canonically and categorically do NOT give a fuck about politics at all)

12. the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

Aside from the obvious female characters I will defend until i fucking die (Lyse, Minfilia, ETC.).... Maxima! I just think he's neat. like was actually being genuine as a Populares, and saw that shit was fucked and noped out. also here, have this screen shot where my crimes gave him thot boots:

13. worst blorboficiation

answered in last ask! theres 1 ur about to meet and 1 thats pandemonium relevant but yeah. bluuuuuhhhhh your milage may very

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

Huh. I'm actually not super sure here besides things I've already bitched about. WAIT.

I fucking HATE when ppl have their wol who did not let go of heavensward trauma. like in that their wol didn't develop past it. especially if they're dark knights because. WHAT WAS THE POINT?

everyone handles grief differently ofc and its not a linear thing ever, but its so ?????????? to me that its like "my wol hasn't changed or let go or processed this at all".

what is the point if your character is never going to change or be affected? especially getting to shadowbringers??? thats all about grief and having a primo example of what NOT PROCESSING YOUR GRIEF does to you and can push you to?

like i'm not saying they shouldn't be affected at all, considering how much Haurchefant haunts you in the MSQ but like come on now. you've gotta move in some kind of direction.

(also smaller and pettier pet peeve: super 2edgy4me Azems. it feels so against what Azem was man, idk.)

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

my taste is flawless and impeccable and perfect. zenoswol may be the closest thing to an answer but like nah, its fucking funny.

20. part of canon you found tedious or boring

most of early ARR before waking sands

there is a bit after the first endwalker trial that i've sort of speedran on my subsequent runs, its not BAD, but it is a little jarring tonally the first time. i mildly appreciate it in hindsight because AFTER that endwalker cuts the brakes and is a semi rolling the down the hill at top speed emotionally, but it still like. please let me move on.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

alexander raids. mid as fuck honestly.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

oagh unfortunately i am a girlie who enjoys all the popular things in canon. The best answer is probably the Four Lords trial series. Its one of my favorites but people don't seem to talk about it much

23. ship you've unwillingly come around to

I actually don't have a ship that fits this. I only like like 2 of the canon/canon ships and i've always been a fan of most of the wolships that float around

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

Emet Selch. I love grandpa war crimes, he's one of my favorite characters and favorite villains ever, i have literal merch of him, but holy shit he is the reason for so much twitter discourse. which is kind of funny and on brand but also jesus christ can people please just relax and learn to mute/block people and tags aaaa

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

i don't know if this common or i just saw it a lot given my twitter algorithm but people have so. much. beef. with people who Persephone Azems. for some reason.

the reason is apparently they're most insufferable kind of straight girl shipper/emet selch fan but like aside from an occasional encounter on a wolqotd post, the two people i know/know of who actually have an Azem named Persephone are.

an mlm whose noriety comes from... being one of the biggest G'rahawol content creators/shippers

one of my lesbian friends who chose it for not shipping related reasons

and most of the time their highest crime is. an Azem named Persephone. that ships Azemet. like any genuine complaints there might be are like. not unique to this VERY NICHE SUBSET OF FANS but apparently they're sooooo common and soooo annoying.

like maybe just block and move on bc some of the complaining i see borders on being genuinely misogynistic like. its fandom pixels. RELAX.

[sunnnfish]

Tagged by @aranarumei ! Thanks a bunch :D going under a cut bc i feel like it

1. Are you named after anyone?

I thiiiink my middle name is named after like a great grandparent or something like that? I forgot. My first name might be too but i also forgot. 👍

2. When was the last time you cried?

Like two days ago? I also cry easily when im frustrated …

3. Do you have kids? / recommend a song?

No kids so im gonna recommend People Become Ghosts by ive… specifically an English cover by UmbraticForest on youtube. Ive recommended it before ill recommend it again i love that song

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

I dont… know? Maybe like. If someone asks an obvious question I’ll say the opposite answer sometimes. Maybe im like a medium sarcasm user…

5. What sports do you play/have played?

Growing up it was like. Soccer->softball->soccer->competitive cheerleading->soccer again until like 11th grade. Then no more sports bc i moved schools and there wasn’t any soccer nearby :(

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Hmm maybe like the way they move/hold themselves? If I actually talk to them then like their voice. ACTUALLY i will be immediately enamored if i see them wearing like a pin or a shirt or whatever of something i like. Locked on.

7. Eye color?

Hazel :)

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

The only reason i watch scary movies is bc of my friends. I find them on a scale of boring to actually scary and i dont like either of those feelings mostly. But ill watch them if my friends want to and some of them turn out actually interesting. Just wouldn’t watch them on my own. So yeah happy endings i guess?

9. Any special talents?

I can make a really realistic water drop sound with my mouth 👍 i can also hum and whistle at the same time and i can snap with all my fingers :)

10. Where were you born / what made you make a tumblr account?

A hospital 👍 i actually dont remember when i started using tumblr or when exactly i made an account but i know i started posting January 2020 because of Bakugan and Danganronpa. Mostly bakugan because there was like NO art and it made me sad. And then i got obsessed with danganronpa </3

11. What are your hobbies?

Well uh. Art. Drawing. Yeah. I also do crochet :) and then reading + video games + anime etc etc the whole shebang. Non-media activities include puzzles and gardening :)

12. Do you have any pets?

We have like a billion cats. Seriously. I thiiink we have like 9-10 total? I dont keep track. Long story short one had babies and then two babies had babies and my sister didn’t let us get rid of them. I only care about one hes a huge black cat <3. Plus we also have a dog.

13. How tall are you?

…5 foot even. Tiny guy

14. Favorite subject in school?

Does art count. Also math though i looove math i love how theres only limited solutions unlike English where you get judged for having opinions. And i guess grammar n stuff. Anyways math and logic my beloved.

15. Dream job?

I’d love to illustrate a book… like any kind. Problem is i dont like writing :( and ive yet to know anybody who would work with me… but yeah like a children’s book or a comic book or like illustrated novel like please…. Im trying though 👍

Anyways thats it :] thanks again for the tag… not gonna tag anyone myself because thats so scary so. Open to anyone :]

[ouroboobos]

i need a new fucking job lmfao. ITEMIZED LIST OF GRIEVANCES AS OF RIGHT NOW

its customer service

i make less as a manager than the starting wage at mcdonalds

theres at least two grown men with sexual harrassment complaints against them because they cant stop hitting on teenage girls

the two guys got in zero trouble and continue to be treated like perfect hardware store angels

one of them gave me a rose on valentines day and kept trying to give me rides

theres a completely seperate third man in his 60s who continually makes comments about my body and touches me and tried to give me a massage in the break room one time

everyone loves him and hes been working here for like 8 years so even if it got bad enough to report him theres no way my boss would give a shit and no one would ever believe me and im worried abt retaliation

i havent told him to fuck off because im scaredcore so idk if he even knows hes making me uncomfortable

i get routinely sexually harrassed by customers and when i asked my boss abt how to handle it he basically said other girls have quit over it and "the real problem is when they dont call a manager up" so he definitely does not udnerstand what its actually like to deal with that and that its usually too subtle to do anything abt it

since i got promoted i almost never get my 10 minute breaks which maybe doesnt seem like a big deal but it is wearing me the fuck out

im surrounded by proud vocal conservatives

EXCEPT for my boss who is one of those people who doesnt think hes a bigot (hes very proud of being one of the chill open-minded Christians) but definitely is

also i couldnt make this up even if i wanted to, but hes 36 years old and a cpuple days ago he made me stand there and listen to him rant about hes not homophobic but why did they make Good Omens gay not everything has to be gay 😡😡😡 hes 36. hes fucking 36

we're almost always understaffed and they dont want to pay anyone so they dont start hiring more people until we're already in our busiest season and then we have to train a bunch of 15 year olds between dealing with 36 billion kajillion fucking customers

truly abysmal fucking communication. i didnt even know i was getting promoted to management until i was in the middle of supervisor training (which they never bothered to finish so i got like... tiny disjointed snippets of training over a period of a few weeks and then i was a manager)

i was functionally head cashier for months and they never gave me the title or the raise because i was "being trained for the position" when actually they allotted less than a day of training from the FORMER head cashier on her last day even though they knew she was retiring for months and then i just figured it out by myself and was already doing all of it

im finally going back to school and next semester when im better settled i want to transition to full time classes, so i met with my boss to give him a heads up and told him i wanted to start training a couple people on some of my basic responsibilities in case i have to cut down my hours, and he basically brushed me off and said we can talk about it in a few months.

and then he talked about his time in college for like twenty minutes and said i shouldnt overwhelm myself by working full time and going to school full time, which made it seem like he was on the same page

but then he kind of was like "well its good you want to get an education but if you go part time in the spring that kind of screws us over" so im not really sure what the fuck is happening in his brain but it almost sounds like he expects me to stay part time in school and keep working full time and doesnt want to prepare for anything else

also he didnt tell me i inherited the key department in addition to the front end until i was like hey whos ordering keys now? and he was like ummmm you? 🤨 ok thanks for the heads up man

its one of those places that looks pretty nice but theres like 20 things breaking throughout the store that theyre too cheap to fix

^recent example: the receipt printers arent working for duplicates (which we need for returns, special orders, etc) so now you to walk across the room to the actual printer and they dont want to fix it because "the printer paper is cheaper than the receipt paper". im not even that irritated about having to use the big printer but that is so fucking cheap for such a massive successful company that now im genuinely pissed off about it.

my boss is one of those guys who seems super nice and friendly and great at first, and pretty much everyone thinks he is, but the more time you spend with him the more you're like. hey buddy is something a little bit fucking wrong with you? and every day i resent him just a tiny bit more

they want us to follow homeless people around the store like fucking spies until we find an excuse to kick them out

theres a guy that comes in every now and again and harrasses female cashiers, walks around casually dropping hate speech, and once literally told one of our teenage boys about his rape fantasy and they wont do anything about him because he's rich and he spends a lot of money

we all have like 4 jobs with barely the pay of 1

i hates it

[james-fun-in-the-sunderland]

1, 6, 8, 11, 14, 21, 22, 26, 28, 29, 30. maybe too many for one post but u can split it up as u like.

HIIII you always give me a billion qs from ask games i love u sm for it <3

obligatory link back to the npc ask game

1. What’s your NPC creation process like?

ALREADY ANSWERED FOOL!! (/j <3)

6. How do you pick names for NPCs?

same way i pick names for ocs of mine! if theyre not a one off npc or one off turned main npc then i search for a name that has a meaning relevant to who they are as a character! (swords's last name is lyon and her symbolic animal is a lion... winifreds name means reconciliation, giving her a fun ironic twist since she wants to KILL her ex husband soso bad lol) but if theyre a one off then typically i just generate the name using this american name generator and pick something i think fits the character at hand!

the only one that doesnt fit in either here is jacques who as i belief i said is named off of my old cat with the same name <3

8. What kinds of NPC (personality, class, culture, age, whatever occurs to you!) tends to be your favorite to make and/or play?

i really enjoy fucked up dudes!!!! if it werent obvious from my ocs... this was supposed to be a lighter campaign but i really love tragedy and making people have OBVIOUS issues and its fun to have stuff with those play out with the players, sometimes even being used to bounce off the players! also i like magic users. theyre fun. or people involved with the gods of this world! i think i really really enjoy making people who give off lore hints or just straight up tell you interesting stuff about the world c:

11. (which oc is...) Most unique?

oh this is a hard one... if we mean in context of the world itself like in that world then i would have to say speciallest girl ever henrietta but also not really bc theres also vanya.... hmmmmmmm but out of context i would have to say probably daggers, swords or dr. shi, i feel like those three have a good spread of not being too like many of my other ocs! (daggers having lots of image issues and being outwardly guilt trippy and feminine, swords being impulsive and almost like a shonen character, and dr shi being very monotone and intelligent (i like my dumbasses) plus all three have big as hell prides, they think they are HOT shit)

(putting the rest under a readmore so that people dont hate seeing me on their dash)

14. Most likely to be on a reality show?

HARD TO TELL... first instinct is to say daggers or swords bc those two interact with media enough to want to go onto a reality show (or henrietta bc shes. you know. leader of the old rebellion imagine the numbers that could do for the show) but i think final answer would be delilah bc not only would she LOVE to be on tv but she would like have an AWESOME time

21. Which NPC is the easiest for you to roleplay? Why?

ALREADY ANSWERED AGAIN!!!!!!

22. Which NPC is the most difficult to roleplay? Why?

ouhhh hard one here but id probably say first of all vanya bc my russian accent skills are NOT there. but in terms of personality and roleplaying in general not just speaking as them then probably wiz or daggers! both have to have an incredible amount of balance, in daggers's case its so that she is nuanced and not an annoying caricature considering my concept for her and with wiz its just . not revealing some things too early and not revealing some things too late, plus hes the quest giver and PLUS idk why but doing his voice gives me troubles. this is all ironic bc he is like. one of my favorite npcs lmao (hes better in writing IMO)

26. Which NPC is YOUR least favorite and why?

oh interesting... this is like having to say i hate one of my children i really never dislike any characters i create i just get agonies over them tbh but if i HAD to choose one..... hmmm probably vanya and/or richter, i really enjoy them conceptually but i feel like i fumble them too much and their story, while interesting and exciting in the beginning, became a bit more extraneous as time went on ! but really its not by much that i dislike them, i really love every npc i make

28. Is there any NPC you wish your party interacted with more?

THREE STRIKES YOURE OUT SIR !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

29. Are there any NPCs you wish you could play as a PC one day?

wiz probably fits most closely into the type of pc i would create for a game like this! however if i would want to be more fun more creative then i would actually really like to play jacques or vanya, mostly because they also are the types of characters i would make and they are easily translateable into a pc for this specific campaign (both in stat ways and in story ways!) as for a complete wildcard i think also playing as someone closer to the religion of this campaign (swords, rhys, etc) would be very interesting ! but im sure if i were to recycle a character concept from this game i would not expect who i would choose in the future...

30. Bonus question! Answer any that you haven’t been asked, or talk about any NPC you want!

oh god an open ended q ummm this is really the hardest question ever . i will give you a few little tidbits abt characters not on their toyhouse and not like fully really talked abt i tink...

Vanya is based on a character from dungeon meshi and originally followed this characters plot way more closely before i changed her up! not saying who tho

hook and rex came out to each other at the exact same time (as trans).... it was really funny and they almost immediately did a fun little clothes swap :)

even though wiz has his 50 ft vision, sometimes bc of habit when hes in his house he wont use it and if he has a guest he will often times get spooked by them... he feels silly after it happens every time lol

jacques is bisexual. also has never dated anyone ever. (he feels like its weird to date anyone from the village hes from bc everyones kinda like family there...)

rhys and the griffin god priest (mr hightower) have actually met once on occasion, they found each others company very enlightening but will not meet again ever

[keefwho]

October 15 - 2024 Tuesday

8:43am

I keep wasting time and feeling bad about myself. But thats because I do not have the heart to do anything in the first place. Theres a billion things I could be doing but I don't care about any of them. So I waste a little too much time scrolling twitter or watching videos and next thing you know I've been up for 2 hours and haven't even finished my morning routine. Completely sabotages my whole day going forward. Then I feel like a loser and rightfully so. I'm not living up to my own expectations, I'm not being "good" by my standards. And I don't think my standards are high. I feel bad because I hardly even tried. I didn't make an attempt to lock in, I gave up as soon as I was awake.

9:47am

I had a dream I was being asked if I was okay and that its kind of all I really wanted. Its funny because I heard a discord notification while I was half asleep and conjured up what I wanted it to say. But I've done that before. I especially used to eagerly await a morning message and sometimes I'd dream about them after waking up halfway through the night.

Dreams suck though, I'm on the verge of ignoring them because of how involved I got in one the other night. It's always been annoying how they give me a predisposition to feel a certain way upon waking, sometimes towards specific people which is not fair. I want to remember that they are not real, even if they can be a projection of my feelings. I know better than to act on pure emotion which is what dreams lead me to do.

9:54pm

4.5/10

Ive been so sucked into my own head and my past lately. I almost don't want to break free because I like consistency so much. Its dumb but that stops me from wanting to embrace better feelings/behavior. Maybe out of some desire for control/cohesion I want to stay the same way even if it's negative. However the trauma book said that people with inflexible frontal lobes tend to become creatures of habit which also makes their relationships routine and superficial. I am a creature of habit and my relationships seem routine. The more we study this book, the more convinced I am that my childhood was in fact "traumatic" and I never moved past it.

Lately especially I do not feel like a person and by extension I haven't been able to see others as people. I can't make a connection. This sucks because I not only feel lonely but my relationships suffer too. And they can tell. That in itself makes me feel like it's hopeless, like I've already screwed up and they are going to leave me now.

I'm irritated because I was doing good for a little while. I felt confident in myself, my abilities, and where I was going. I was feeling independent which was strengthening my bonds. Then I fell out of it and now I'm here. Once again unable to see hope or dream of the future, another symptom of trauma. I can't look forward if I'm looking back.

I think I might tend to pursue the unavailable because it's familiar to me to fight for everything, but it's been resulting in a feedback loop thats been causing my self image to get worse over time. Of course when I seek the impossible and constantly fail, I'm going to start feeling worse about myself. This comes in the form of people that won't make plans or that cannot meet my needs. But I stick around anyways, hoping they will. Thinking if I fight hard enough that they will be inclined to give back like they always wanted to but just hadn't yet. Absolute delusion. Seeking anything from anyone is being shown to be a bad idea. Or seeking specific kinds of people or relationships. I should be seeking myself and who I am which is when bonds form naturally. I've learned this from experience. I should never give up who I am for someone or go out of my way to chase a fantasy. I'd like to stay grounded in what is real and actually happening.

[the-whispers-of-death]

oh dw, the story was released in the 60s. also this is very very spoiler heavy sorrz

so. in the story (shortened to IHNMAIMS by the fanbase) theres this evil robot ai guy whos named AM. 2 letters, both capital. it stands for "allied mastercomputer" (cuz hes every piece of human knowledge into one and also sentient) and then later it changed to reference the phrase "i think therefore i AM". AM is also like. fucking massive. dont remember the exact measurement, but this glorified laptop is the size of 8 billion square kilometers. hes a big boy! and hes evil and hates humans.

and basically theres these 5 people who have lived inside AM for around 100 years, fully immortal so they cant die, who are also the last people alive. and the reason theyre kept alive is so AM has someone to torture, and during the story, 4 of them get killed off when AM wasnt looking and their endless suffering has ended! yay!

but the 5th one gets turned into a slug. the official word-for-word description is "I am a great soft jelly thing. Smoothly rounded, with no mouth, with pulsing white holes filled by fog where my eyes used to be. Rubbery appendages that were once my arms; bulks rounding down into legless humps of soft slippery matter. I leave a moist trail when I move." so. yknow. kinda fucked up

anyways im now imagining god!sylvester as AM. just evil and fucked up. so. imagining that hes so annoyed by people bothering he just. does that to them. im not saying he *would* do that, but im saying that he *could*

also this ended up not being that funny.. and just me rambling about the thing. so. whoops. i just think the concept is amusing of sylvester being like "oh. your vibes are OFF. slug time!"

but dw stone, he wont turn you into a slug... for now /j

also. cough shameless promo for the work, but a few years back there was a radio show adaptation of it thats under 30mins. its pretty fun, if you wanna check it out, its on youtube. [link here]

((and. theres a videogame adaptation too... i have it but ive not bothered to play it yet ghkdsh,,,,,,, nor have i read the story either, but that doesnt mean the radio play didnt make my brain go BRBBBBRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and become the only thing i listened to for a good week or so. anyways im rambling sorrz))

I don't mind the rambling, don't worry. It's very interesting and like you have read/seen things I've never even heard of, so it's always so interesting when you tell me about them.

God!Stone is happy that he won't be turned into a slug any time soon, because that would suck.

[rocarynart]

Waiting for the eclipse, a gay ass series of posts.

Sometimes I'm okay alone.

Some days pass easier than others, some nights I stayyy up, cashing in my bad luck.

Ahem.

Anyways, point aside.

Some days I'm all engines firing, revving and itching to punch the ignition.

Yeah, there is the constant search for self-improvement and focus on self and self-love; Kim Namjoon didnt tell me to love myself for nothin'. It's easily one of the few bits of advice from a man I will forever recall and cling to.

But it's those days that I'm just spent, and gods only know I have alot of those between the laundry list of ailments where I want a shoulder to lean on, I swear I'm not touch starved (I very much am, dont listen to this fool)- I just have a very short list of people who I like touching me. A blessing and a curse, really.

And don't tell me to be strong; or that I underestimate my strength.

8 billion people in the world and somewhere out there is a guy looking for me. Gods know I'm screwed with my neurodivergent and asocial/introverted ass; it'll likely hit me when I least expect it.

But I hate that.

This'll be me, logging my thoughts. Waiting for the sun and moon to align, because theres no way I won't call him sunshine.

And if he calls me moonchild or some variation of the lunar body, I will fold like a paper crane.