#King Bard

[welikeimagines-andfandoms]

Dracula Untold is how I invision King Bard

[incorrectly-quoted-queers]

So why does Netflix’s The Witcher have to go all wonky with the story and costuming and casting but also include canon bi Jaskier?

Why give me treats when the rest of the package is unsatisfying? Why must you make me suffer like this?

Also why Radovid. Why the icky bad guy. I think the scenes I’ve seen of them are fucking *lovely* but it doesn’t make up for the whole... everything else wrong with Radovid 

Joey Batey is fab but otherwise? Cry 

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.

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Time for more Witcher fanfiction, which I’ve found much more satisfying than any of the actual canon media anyway 

[soralinklokidottirofmirkwood]

Little Calf: Elk centaur Thranduil x newborn elk calf centaur reader.

Age: newborn. While on the way to Rivendell Thranduil and his men in counter a herd of massacred elk centaurs and meets an orphaned newborn female calf and takes her in after instantly falling in love with her. Takes place a few months after the Battle of the Five Armies.

Requested by Kelly6098 (from my old Wattpad account)

King Thranduil and the elk centaurs of Mirkwood galloped to Rivendell to discuss the new reliance and weapon trading. While galloping he was clearing his head from how lonely he was in Mirkwood since his son Legolas galloped off to find a horse centaur named strider and his foster daughter Tauriel is now living in Erebor courting the faun prince Kili after the battle but he apologized when he accepted that his son wasn't coming home and accepted that Tauriel loved Kili but he couldn't accept the loneliness he felt in Mirkwood.

As he thinks of all that's happened he is snapped out of his thoughts by one of his men Saying "My lord. There was a battle here." He said pointing to what appears to be a battle field of dead elk centaurs and orcs, by the Valar it was brutal looking body parts and cut off antlers littered the earth and there were no survivors, that is to the eyes of men "separate the bodies! Bury the elk centaurs so that they may rest but burn the orcs." Thranduil said walking around the bodies until he heard a small cry and saw a small leg kicking in the air "What in the Greenwood?" He said to himself walking over to the little survivor. Thranduil is meet with a dead cow being held by a bull probably her husband and in between them was a tiny but alive newborn calf with H/C hair and E/C colored eyes still attached to her mother, getting to his knees he gently takes the baby into his arms then one of his daggers and slices the cord from her belly button while calling two of his men to retrieve her parent's bodies.

After you are separated from your mother Thranduil gently shushes you in Sindarin making you calm down "My lord where did that child come from?" One of Thranduil's men asked looking at you in curiosity "She is the only survivor of her herd!" He said holding you in a comfortable position carful of your head. Upon your new position you snuggled into Thranduil's chest, your tiny hands curled into fists resting on his chest as you cooed making Thranduil smile as he saw Legolas within you making him feel protective of you "I will be your new father." He said keeping you close.

At Rivendell:

Thranduil is standing in front of his long time friend Lord Elrond telling him of what happened to your heard and parents and that he is adopting you "The poor thing! Barley began her life and lost so much in one day." He said placing a hand on your head making you coo at him and grab his finger but the sound of his twin sons Elladan and Elrohir bursting into the room talking ontop of each other and pointing at one another, the bickering made you fussy "BOYS." Elrond yelled making the twins flinch "I don't care who started what, but what ever happened solve it on your own like grown bulls." He said annoyedly "We have guest today." He said gesturing to Thranduil and you making the twins faces light up upon seeing you "Awwww. She's so cute." Elladan squealed at you while Elrohir nodded in agreement "Can we hold her?" They asked together "I suppose but be careful." Thranduil said placing you in Elrohir's arms who is basically fawning over you "Hello little one, what is your name?" He asked while his brother is cooing at you "Y/N! That is her name." Thranduil said thinking long and hard on what to name you the moment he held you.

Later at Mirkwood:

It's been 7 months since Thranduil had adopted you as his new daughter and you filled Mirkwood with laughter and melted his frozen heart.

Thranduil was coming out of a meeting with king Bard of Dale and King Thorin of Erebor while you stayed with your nanny who is helping you to walk.

She is holding your hand while you moved your legs and together both of you took steps, when you got the hang of it you toddled over to Thranduil who is on his knees with his arms outstretched and a smile on his face.

When you reached him he happily tosses you in the air "You did it little calf." He said tickling your tummy making you squeal of laughter "Dada." You squealed out making him sniff from tears of joy that you took your first steps and said your first word in one day "That's my little calf." He said touching his forehead on yours while Bard and Thorin smile fondly at the sweet sight before them "She has a bright future ahead of her." Thorin said while Bard nodded in agreement as Thranduil tossed you up and down as you continued to squeal from laughter.

[girlishruler]

I wrote a sequel! PLEASE READ IT.

[msbilberry]

The night before the battle.

Dwarves in the Lonely Mountain: build fortifications, put on armor, choose weapons.

Meanwhile, Bilbo and co. in Thranduil's camp tent:

[aberrantcreature]

Widower DILF Kings flirting in a tent. 👑✨

One is shameless (as usual) and one is confused (because a sexy ageless elf king is all but purring at him).

[everyones-least-favorite-bard]

"...but of course, the best thing would to have never been born at all."

[taliesin-the-bored]

A few things which are “canon” somewhere for people who are worried they’re stretching it too far

Arthur was killed by a giant cat. 

Arthur killed the cat.

Arthur didn’t fight the cat. Kay did.

Kay and Bedivere use salmon as taxis. 

Lucan is half giant, half lion. (This Lucan, Lucano in the original Italian, is evil and not related to Bedivere). 

King Arthur raided the land of the dead.

The human knight Caradoc Briefbras has three half siblings: a dog, a horse, and a pig.

A large portion of Arthur’s troops was killed a while before Camlann by his nephew’s attack ravens in self-defense. Arthur and said nephew were playing chess at the time and neither did much to stop it.

Merlin retired peacefully and went to live in the countryside with Taliesin.

Wherever Arthur walks, plants die. They don’t grow back for years.

Arthur had a spunky (half?) brother who died in battle after making a mysterious oath.

Dagonet is more or less able to run the kingdom when Arthur is gone. His biggest error is overspending on mercenaries.

Guinevere has an evil almost identical twin half-sister.

Hector beat up all the best knights except for Galahad while possessed by a demon.

Gawain plays tennis.

Gawain has used a chessboard as a weapon.

Near the start of his reign, Arthur left Lot in charge of the kingdom and went on a quest with a sassy parrot.

Gawain or Galahad succeeded Arthur as king. 

[domsaysstuff]

Okay so this idea has been rocking around my empty skull for some time now just we know that Eddie can be a pretty mean DM and a shithead and I've been thinking abt romances in D&D and how it would work in Hellfire

And I had this thought that Eddie would like be "no romances!!" to the Corroded Coffin group (before the kids joined) and they're like why? and Eddie just to tease them says that he doesn't want to pretend to fall for their smelly ugly faces

Which just motivates them to try and seduce like every character that Eddie introduces for a fucking month and it leads to the creation of the rule: Every romance/seduction directed roll must be rolled above 15 to succeed AND if Eddie decides that the attempt is particularly bad the roll is with disadvantage

The Corroed Coffin boys are obviously teasingly like ohhh so we get an advantage if it's good?

"Doubt that would happen boys, but sure, if you make me, Eddie fucking Munson, to blush like a fair maiden then you'll get the advantage on the roll"

They try, they really do, but all the CC boys succeed in doing is killing off all of their party in three sessions and Gareth who is a little shit is actually rolling his third character (because the consequences of a failure are fucking brutal) by the time Jeff and [unnamed freak] give up

After that they know better (except Gareth who still sometimes does that just to annoy Eddie and be a little shit) to try and then the kids join Hellfire and Eddie has even less of an desire to flirt with fucking Wheeler, Henderson and Sinclair (they're baby children!!)

But the kids are a little shits too and they see Gareth being a little shit so they copy

It ends badly for them, they gripe about Eddie being unfair because like "all three of us have girlfriends Eddie and you don't so we clearly know more about romance then you do" Dustin not only gets a flick on the head for that but his character might have ended up being put into situations™ throughout the session that are "totally unfair!"

But fair to say all of Hellfire knows the rules and all of hellfire knows that no matter how well they try and how smooth they are (they really aren't ever smooth) Eddie will not blush or even consider they attempts as "good", the best they got was "tolerable" (Lucas got it and he's still very proud of it, as he deserves okay?), Eddie is impossible to fluster and so it's just is this fun thing they sometimes do when they feel particularly like little shits

And that's it about it

Until Vecna and all the upside down shit and the surprising friendship of Eddie and Steve happens

And suddenly Steve Harrington is not only sitting but playing D&D

Everything is going actually pretty good and Dustin practically vibrates out of his chair at how proud he is of Steve for how well he is doing so far and then

And then Steve tries to flirt with a pretty bard

Dustin deflates, he is ready for the absolute disaster that is going to fall upon Steve, he makes eye contact with Lucas - both of them ready with "it was actually a pretty good line tho!" at the tip of their tongues to defend Steve's decisions, he doesn't know Eddie's special rules after all and it would be funny to see Steve fail, sure, but it's Steve's first game and the kids wanted it to be good for Steve so convincing him to play again would be easier

But now Eddie is going to absolutely rip into him and Steve will never want to play again and-

"Roll with advantage" Dustin gasps, audibly, loudly, the room is silent, except for Steve who's very unaware of the chaos he just created and just rolls the dices, his usual confidence in place

And if someone looked closely - and all of the hellfire is fucking looking - Eddie Munson has indeed a light blush on his face

[fantasies-fairytales-n-fics]

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏👏👏

[teacup-of-earl-gray]

Ok, here's a fantasy game because I want to feel nostalgy (there was a period of time, when my dream №1 was becoming an elf)

So, here we go

1) take this quiz

2) make your own character, based on the result, using this piccrew (the character can look whatever you want)

3) repost with your quiz result and your character. Don't forget to tag somebody

Feel free to take part even if you weren't tagged :3

I'll go first

I'll tag: @sparrows-my-abhorred

[utilitycaster]

I do think it's worth calling out that a lot of the arguments in favor of killing the gods treat their worshipers as the "haves" amidst a sea of "have-nots" and that's just...flat out false in Exandrian canon, in addition to obliquely pinging certain antisemitic canards I am unfortunately attuned to by necessity, even though I suspect that's largely unintentional.

There are powerful adherents to the gods, but there's a lot of worshipers who gain nothing but whatever meaning they personally draw. We saw the Schuesters in Hupperdook in C2, who were imprisoned for following the Changebringer within the Empire, and seemed to have no cleric or paladin powers; nor, to our knowledge, does Imahara Joe. Technically we learned that Molly did sort of get something out of the Moon Weaver, but he didn't know that during the campaign. Grog thinks The Stormlord is pretty neat but hasn't gotten any powers from him. We saw worshipers of the Lawbearer and Dawnfather in Whitestone and worshipers of the Wildmother elsewhere in Tal'Dorei during Campaign 1, again mostly without any specific powers. In this episode and during the Team Wildemount arc we've seen no shortage of people simply going to temples as a place to seek comfort and meaning. Hell, the Player's Handbook outright says it: "Not every acolyte or officiant at a temple or shrine is a cleric. Some priests are called to a simple life of temple service, carrying out their gods' will through prayer and sacrifice, not by magic and strength of arms."

I think a generous read is that a lot of D&D players who aren't playing a mechanically divinely connected character don't make their character religious in any way, and so it becomes easy, with a PC-focused mindset, to assume that the only religious people are clerics, paladins, and the handful of deity-connected subclasses from other classes, but that isn't true and never has been in Exandria.

[macaronijail06]

Adagio

[nightingale2004]

Why do I feel like these two idiots👇

Are the older version of these two idiots 👇

(Am I alone? They would have aged so freaking gracefully in adulthood. That or this is them in the Hobbit universe if they were Bf allies)

[cottoncandiescupcakes]

Sorry but Thorin was RIGHT to not share the riches OR the arkenstone

He made that promise to the Master of Laketown who is dead. Bard was being a hater the entire time about the plan lmao he was actively against it

AND he doesn't owe Thranduil shit. What did Thranduil do other than imprison him?? He rejected his offer because he didn't trust him, remember?

Neither of these people have shit on Thorin, the rightful King of the Dwarves and his grandfather and father's heir. That is his mountain, his gold and his arkenstone. As for Thranduil's gems, he gave those to Thorin's grandfather willingly at the time.

The ONLY person who has more claim is his father, if he showed up. If Thorin dies, Fili and Kili are the only one who get it. After that it goes to next of kin, Dain Ironfoot, which it did.

Bard and Thranduil don't deserve shit. The people of Laketown were only promised wealth so the Master would let them go. Everyone only wanted to imprison the dwarves lmao

It's sad the dragon attacked them and the people are hungry but Smaug could have literally flew everywhere to attack people. Thorin didn't send him to lake town he just send him away from HIS MOUNTAIN.

It's Thorin's gold. He did nothing wrong. And Bilbo, I love him but he didn't deserve to take that stone either. And Gandalf never deserved to keep that key from him.

Dragonsickness or not, these are his rightful things. He was right to be paranoid about someone taking the stone because BILBO LITERALLY TOOK IT lmao he meant well but ?? Just because he's gone insane doesn't mean he no longer inherits his things. Everyone is just being greedy over Thorin's gold.

[medievalandfantasymelee]

Yesterday was Father's day. And I was a bit busy. So belatedly, I'd like to wish a Happy Father's Day to the wonderful DILFs of our tournament! They're not all good men (hell they're not all good fathers) but they are all HOT.