#Just because I’m autistic doesn’t mean that I’m obsessed with robots. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cosmosgroundhogday · 2 years ago

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Why the DHMIS youtube series is centred around ASD (autism), entirely based around just the songs for now

All three of the main guys show so many ‘tism traits

- all hate change at different points

- every single song relates to a different ‘tism symptom/trait/stereotype

The Creativity Song

- children with ASD are a lot more likely to display a deep sense of creativity and imagination

- they often show lower performance in creativity as it’s all in the brain and unable to express it

- which is essentially the entire song

- the notebook (social rules) is explaining to the three guys how to be creative, limiting what they’re allowed to do, and everything they suggest themselves is told wrong

- yellow guy paints a clown ridiculously quickly and he’s told to “slow down” and destroys the painting (destroying autistic kid’s creativity because what they can express is usually entirely outside of the primary school education)

- the childish primary school activities that ensue that they keep doing “wrong”

- “green is not a creative colour” (this feels like a long shot but there’s the primary media theory that essentially because he doesn’t pick a primary colour like red guy chooses blue and green guy chooses red, he’s not following the primary education, and so this can link to growing up too fast which is a thing a lot of tism kids are forced to do, so yellow guy is ‘mature for his age’ choosing green, and obviously notebook is not happy)

- and then the whole chaos that ensues is mostly the horror aspect, if I can get some film analysis in during a rewatch i shall

The Time Song

- it’s more an adhd trait but it happens in asd too, simply just the disassociation from time

- also obsessive schedules, as to not lose the concept of time

- “an old man died but look a computer”, theorised as the clock keeping the guys from thinking about death to lure them into whatever horror he’s got in store, however what about the fact that autistic people while more empathetic than neurotypical will often not be effected by the concept of human death unless they know them, (idk how much sense that makes but say a cat died that you never knew, that’s sad, but a human dies that you never knew, no feelings, obviously people you know it’s a different story a lot of the time but hopefully you know what i mean)

- the entire scheduling, with fish and bath, forcing of schedules so you don’t lose track of time, cuz often people with asd won’t eat unless they think about the time as hunger isn’t something they will always feel

The Love Song

- my absolute favourite and jesus christ there’s a LOT

- so the yellow guy is aroace, poly, and autistic, and it all shows in this song

- he calls a butterfly a “little baby pigeon”, this is tism in itself

- the first part of a song is literally about how people are ‘different’ and in an ideal world it wouldn’t make a difference and they should live in harmony

- PLEASE

- I can quote every single line in this song and go “THIS IS AUTISM”

- autistic people obviously can feel love, but it’s another concept like gender that in most cases is so much more confusing

- “no it’s a feeling deep inside” “because I’m hungry” - !!!!!!!

- by the end of the song monogamous marriage begins being displayed like a cult

- why would you demonise monogamy in a show like this?

- apart from maybe the fact most autistic people are polyamorous

- because, social rules aren’t real

- and humans are biologically polyamory

- it’s just social conventions that make us monogamous

- but when you’re autistic

- you’re more likely to ignore that

- so

- you see where i’m going :)

- “he’s made for her and she’s made for him that’s the way it’s always been”

- and so ensues feeding Malcolm gravel

- monogamy is a cult

- autistic people >>>>>

The Computer Song

- the biggest metaphor for gifted kid burnout I’ve ever seen

- the way autistic people are treated robotically and praised for enhanced mental abilities as everything about them just b r e a k s

- gifted kids are very clever-y guys

- they can count to a ‘fifty in the blink of an eye

- and paint a picture

- and they can tell you the time

- also the fact that autistic kids are more drawn to technology and being ✨online✨ as an escape from the real world

- red guy being incredibly against change is another thing that’s going on

- the ‘digital home’ could essentially be an autistic brain

- not feeling 🥰real🥰

- wow, look a pie chart

- digital style

- do a digital dancing

- so basically most gifted kids thrived in maths, not always but it’s the main stereotyped one

- the same three being repeated

- eventually “wow look nothing”, the burnout has become

- your skills are gone

- what you gonna do now?

- keep opening the door for it to come back?

- nothing

- it all speeds up and eventually unplugged

- just

- burnout :)

The Healthy Song

- metaphor for ARFID, an ED that’s associated with autism

- as I said I’m not rewatching the actual episodes yet so I’m going entirely off what I remember (which isn’t a lot cuz I hated this episode with a passion) and the song on a spotify playlist

- the explanation of hunger at the start, which is something confusing in autistic people

- pretty sure the can and the other lad will only let the guys eat plain food in little amounts and claims that’s ‘healthy’

- also the explanation of the body as a house, it’s just all very confusing which is a metaphor in itself

- even though ARFID is an ED around the texture of foods and not amounts it still kind of makes sense??

- this one’s a bit of a stretch

- but bread, cream, and plain white sauce keeps the body ticking over??

- that’s limited flavour and texture

- fancy show-offy foods like cooked meats, fruit salads, soil food and yolk is bad

- too much flavour and texture

- but then eventually even plain white sauce is bad

- having a comfort food so much you can’t touch it anymore

- but it’s hard to find a replacement

The Dreams Song

- this one bored me when I used to watch the series

- and I can’t tell a lot from the song apart from it reflects on the entire series

- so

- idk

- but they all have autism and it’s different trait from the spectrum every episode

#dhmis show #dhmis youtube #dhmis #dhmis theory #dhmis sketchbook #dhmis yellow guy #dhmis red guy #dhmis green guy #dhmis love cult #dhmis computer

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januarymoreau · 3 years ago

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alright so I know literally no one cares about this but it’s my social media I’m doing what I want /lh

I’ve been seeing a lot of slander about justin russo on the internet lately and I’m currently hyperfixated on wizards of waverly place so here’s why justin is an awesome character/doesn’t deserve the hate he gets

He’s kind and treats those he loves well. Justin is canonically really good at comforting people. Although he argues with Alex a lot, at the end of the day, he’s also her older brother and genuinely cares about her. When Professor Crumbs threatens to take Alex’s magic away because she doesn’t turn her report card in, Justin says that Crumbs will also have to take his magic away. Justin is ultimately selfless. We see again and again the sacrifices he makes for Alex and I think we mainly see his kindness in that relationship. Despite that, I think he’s also notably kind to Juliet. When he finds out that he made the mistake of reporting Juliet and her parents, he instantly tries to fix it. Not only does he try to fix it, but he puts his job as Monster Hunter in jeopardy for Juliet and her parents - her parents haven’t even been that nice to him. Justin is ultimately selfless and at the end of the day, he sacrifices himself or what he wants for others. When Rosie turns back into a good angel, instead of selfishly continuing to date her and keeping her in the mortal world (which he could have done - she literally offers to stay with him), he gives her up because he realizes the world needs a guardian angel more than he needs a girlfriend. Even though it hurts because he loved her, he gives her up. There’s no “award” for doing this - he won’t move up a level in the wizard competition, he really won’t get any recognition for giving Rosie up. He doesn’t even get any recognition for turning the moral compass back to good. He does it because it’s the right thing to do. Although later I’ll argue that Justin is constantly seeking validation, I also think that the heroic/good things he does are often done with no expectation of being praised for it. He does them because he has a strong sense of morals. He’s also kind to Harper, Zeke, his parents, and even Max, who people rarely ever show kindness to in the show.

He’s in touch with his emotions. When the show starts, Justin is very against anything that will show him as feminine or emotional. In fact, he even says he’s allergic to emotions (or something like that) to cover for the fact that he’s crying over his missing dog. As the show goes on, we see Justin start to embrace and accept his emotions more and to lose touch with his toxic masculinity. I think dating Juliet changed him in a lot of ways (making him more relaxed, etc), and I think one was encouraging him to be more emotional. After Wizards vs. Vampires, Justin is pretty emotional and open about his emotions in the show. He’s even open with talking about them. In the movie, he opens up to Alex about how he feels like Jerry & Theresa wouldn’t love him as much if he were less “perfect,” which brings me to my next point.

At the end of the day, Justin is a sad character. I know it’s a kid’s show but they really do cover a lot of issues so bear w me. I’m hyperfixated and I like to over analyze shows so I’ve thought about this a lot. Justin is the oldest, which means he already deals with pressure to be perfect. Then, add in the fact that his parents are constantly describing him as the “perfect child” and putting him on a pedestal, while pitting the kids against each other as a result of the wizard culture bc of the family competition (I love Jerry & Theresa but they’re not perfect). He’s also a high achiever and we know he puts extreme pressure on himself to do well - they always make a joke about it but it’s actually quite sad. He literally feels poorly about himself when he gets a B and bases his entire self worth on his grades and skills as a wizard. In fact, in the movie he voices doubt about whether or not he’s good at anything other than magic. I have a few things I want to say about all of this. First of all, I think Justin is constantly seeking validation. I think as the oldest and “best” child, he feels the need to be perfect all the time, but he also does many of the things he does because he just wants validation. When Harper decides to run a marathon, Justin does too, and sadly his accomplishment of finishing it is overshadowed by Harper “winning.” I also think Justin feels threatened by the success of others because he thinks it invalidates his. When he opens up to Alex in the movie, he says that he’s jealous of her because it seems like everything comes naturally to her. Justin feels as if his parents loving his siblings takes away from their love from his. It’s irrational, but very real. Which brings me to my next point - Justin has generalized anxiety disorder. It makes sense - the overthinking, the outbursts he has (Alex refers to it as a conniption once) of panic or frustration, the overachieving, etc. As someone who probably has autism, I also think he’s autistic (which would explain his troubles with tone, struggle making friends, obsessions with things like Captain Jim Bob Sherwood and science, being better w robots than people, and so much more).

Ultimately, Justin has a strong moral backbone. Although he’s a stickler for the rules and this oftentimes leads him to do bad things initially, he always does the right thing in the end. For example, when Justin and Alex go to court and Justin duplicates himself to be his lawyer, his lawyer ultimately proves that Justin is guilty; he even says something along the lines of “We’re Justin Russo. We always do what’s moral and just.” Justin has a strong sense of justice (which could also be from being autistic but I could do a whole other post about neurodivergency coding in WOWP and Disney & Nick shows overall bc there’s a ton of coding) and does what he thinks is right, most of the time. Sure, sometimes he does bad things, but he’s also a teenager at the end of the day and he’s highly competitive.

Finally, Justin Russo is super progressive - in fact, he’s probably the most progressive characters of the show. He acknowledges climate change and actively tries to create a solution for it. In fact, for his science fair project he makes a water powered engine, which would reduce carbon emissions. He also wears a shirt at one point that says “Make art not war.” I will admit that his biases against the werewolf he dated were problematic, but he clearly grew from that because he never held any of that against Mason. He’s also into science and is a nerd and although this is a stereotype, most young people who are into science and are nerds are progressive. I’m pretty sure he also is well aware of current events and would probably read the newspaper. Also I myself headcanon Justin as trans and bi (again could make another post about characters in wowp that are queer)

Little note even tho probably no one will see this - this is all just for fun. If you disagree with anything I said, just say it politely hahsh. Also please don’t make fun of me for this WOWP is a huge hyperfixation and comfort thing for me rn and I just wanted to make a silly little post where I analyze one of my comfort characters. Also I kin Justin so pls don’t like hate on him in the comments.

#justin russo #wizards of waverly place #wowp #alex russo #harper finkle #juliet van heusen #max russo #theresa russo #jerry russo #russo siblings #disney channel #character analysis

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starshipsys · 7 months ago

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🛰️hehe my guys. Holds them. I’m trying to take stereotypes and cliches and make them more interesting and flushed out. Just concepts so far, feel free to offer suggestions and criticisms:

Swapna, intersex (androgen insensitivity) and Indian, her parents are kinda rich but do not treat her well. Because of her chaotic upbringing, she has NPD-like symptoms. She’s the one who never actually did anything wrong, though, she just always seemed suspicious and has “mindreading and mind control” powers. Everyone else actually did stuff wrong. I think that’s funny because the whole “narc abuse” thing, what if the narcissist didn’t actually do anything wrong and everyone just assumed she did.

“Creature” is the genderfluid shapeshifter, except they’re not a funny little gremlin but a wise and ancient demigod, the first experiment of life on earth. They don’t know about their origins, but they have been around to see life on earth evolve. They can die, and were originally in a set of a few others of their species who all died by getting killed and eaten by various Earth predators. Creature has taken a disliking to humans because it believes they’re going to make Earth inhospitable which means it’ll die. They cause a bit of mayhem trying to get rid of humankind. Speaks a lot of languages.

Zivind is an alien hybrid between a wasp-like alien species and a jellyfish-like alien species. Has a lot of mixed race themes like being outcasted by both sides and never quite fitting in with either because “you’re too wasp” and “you’re too jellyfish” but explored in a way that doesn’t actually include any human races in hopes that people will be able to see the character outside the lens of their races. Also a refugee to earth because the wasps don’t like the jellyfishes. The wasps and jellyfishes were originally part of one species that was one empire but the jellyfishes were isolated for a while, that’s how they can interbreed. Also nonbinary because they were raised with a different concept of gender than humans.

Prototype is a robot android AI machine thing that was designed to be for military use or something. It has either no emotions or doesn’t feel them the way humans do. Kind of ASPD-coded. Believes in free will above all else. Doesn’t kill other beings, not because it values their life or would feel guilty, but because that would be taking away their free will (you can’t make your own decisions when you’re dead).

“Lily”, trans catgirl. Has autistic sensory issues. Ex-cultist in a cult that sacrificed people to make deals with demons. She starts out human but progressively makes deals to make herself more catlike throughout the story. In a t4t relationship with Sam for most of the story. She was kicked out of her coven for fooling them into thinking she was a woman (they’re all TERFy kind of witches or something). I want her nonwhite so I think she’ll be Latina American, there’s a lot more I can do with that i know but I literally just came up with these little sillies an hour ago.

“Sam”, trans dogboy. Kind of ADHD-coded in a labrador way. Lily used Magic to achieve her transition, but Sam used Science. Lots of gene editing. He’s basically an evil scientist who worked in Meadow’s lab. He did a lot of unethical experiments, obviously. Also, he and Lily met by getting into a heated argument online that was related to Nature (Magic- bringing out what was already there) vs Nurture (Science- creating something that you want) in a trans way. I can’t put into words exactly what I mean. He’s also not going to be white, I think I want him Filipino American. Again, more I can do with that, this is just a fragment of an idea.

“Henry” Bezorph, actually a demon, summoned by Lily to do her bidding. He’s extremely unstable, bipolar or BPD coded, maybe both and make him the most unstable ever. Gets obsessions with each of the other main characters that he’s convinced is true love, and then splits on them later and lashes out. He’s mostly just a good guy for approval but I want him to have character development where he chooses healthy relationships that don’t “feel as intense” over chaotic ones that feel like rollercoasters. He’s also the white guy with blonde hair and blue eyes who looks innocent and harmless, I thought it would be funny to make the demon the whitest guy.

Since the whitest guy is a demon, the blackest one should be an angel. “Angel” doesn’t really have a name and is a fallen angel but other angels are introduced and they all appear very dark with blindingly white eyes. Our Angel, however, has eyes that change color; because of DiD. White light separated into color components, get it? Angel listened to a prayer that The Deity didn’t care about and Deity overreacted and tortured Angel until their consciousness fractured. Then Deity sent Angel down and said they’d fix Angel if Angel killed the human it blessed.

Changming is the human that Angel blessed. He’s Chinese. When he was a baby, he was born with an issue that the doctors said he’d be lucky to survive more than a few days. Angel was particularly attached to his parents, I’ll figure out a reason why, and blessed him. As a result of that, he has healing powers. Obviously he became a doctor.

And Meadow, my beloved. She’s Paiute but was adopted into a white family that never really had time for her. She became a scientist working for her dad’s organization (something government or military related and secret) as a way to get her parents attention, but they still didn’t really care. So she reconnected with her tribe and disowned her parents and outdid them in scientific pursuits and changed her name to Meadow. She invented Prototype who turns on her in the beginning but later they reconnect after she realizes she was working for a corrupt organization.

Anyway these ideas are probably terrible. Idk I like them. I want to share them but I feel like they’re actually terrible ideas. Please tell me if they’re terrible ideas. Also I’m probably gonna change their names

🛰️making a superhero team but they’re all ex-villains. Not the most creative idea and probably been done before but I really like my funky little guys already

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hamiltalian-creates · 5 years ago

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Summary: Patton is feeling cuddly, but he doesn't want to ask outright to cuddle with Logan. Will Logan be able to figure out what he means?

Pairings: Logan x Patton

Words: 1,590

Warnings: It’s not explicitly mentioned, but Logan is autistic. That’s not so much of a warning as it is an explanation for why he can’t read the subtext to Patton’s words.

For some reason, everybody who saw the two assumed that Patton was the more openly affectionate one and Logan was the one who was shy to ask for attention. Actually, it was by far the other way around. Logan knew how much Patton loved any kind of physical affection, so there was never any reason to hesitate to ask. On the other hand, Patton knew how Logan didn’t want to be touched at times and he didn’t want Logan to think it was a problem by asking excessively, so he usually ended up being incredibly shy about it. But it wasn’t really an awkward thing. On the contrary, Logan found it to be rather adorable. That is, assuming he could actually figure out what Patton was hinting at.

Most times, Logan would be where he usually was, sitting on their couch, reading, when Patton decided he wanted to be cuddled. Today was no exception.

Logan sighed as he flipped through the pages, enjoying the quiet morning, when he noticed something move out of the corner of his eye. He glanced over and saw Patton watching him, resting his head on the armrest and presumably shift so he was sitting on his legs.

“Good morning, Patton,” he greeted simply, shooting him a small smile.

Patton smiled back brightly as always. “Good morning, Logan.”

“Did you want something?”

Patton hummed before shaking his head. “I don’t know.. I mean, it depends on how cuddly you’re feeling.” Why would he want cuddles if Logan wasn’t feeling cuddly?

Logan thought for a second before shaking his head. Cuddling was nice, but he was doing fine without it, as sweet as it was for Patton to check up on him. “I’m alright for now, thank you.” He smiled and turned back to his book.

Patton pouted, but he didn’t argue. It was Logan’s choice if he didn’t want to be cuddled. But, on the pretty good chance that Logan would feel comfortable with it soon, - which he usually was - he stayed there, resting his head on his arms as he watched Logan read in pure peace. It was so rare to see Logan looking as calm as he did, with no bags or dark circles under his eyes and his lips parted the tiniest bit as he silently read along.

Patton smiled as he watched, letting the cheesiest, loviest grin spread across his face. The two were still getting used to living together and the only major problem Patton was having was figuring out if Logan looked more adorable when he was all peaceful like this or when he was completely concentrating on something new, like when he rekindled his love for a cartoon he used to watch as a kid. It definitely wasn’t the biggest interest that Logan had found, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t completely invested.

Patton lost track of how many books about virtual reality he’d read while trying to make the concepts in the show a reality and how many times he went over the physics of being able to virtualize an entire person as well as being able to materialize a virtual character, no matter how many times the science failed him. If Logan was more of a computer science nerd than a biology nerd, Patton would've sworn that Logan would've made his own virtual world with his own self aware AI.

It was one of the favorite phases Patton saw in Logan, since it gave him a chance to allow himself to take an interest in something fictional, something childish, without being embarrassed by it in front of their friends. They were still working on getting him to admit he liked unicorns, but they both knew that Logan was going to find that one to be a lot more difficult.

Don’t get him wrong, it wasn’t like he was trying to change Logan! Logan was just as beautiful when he was obsessing over the stars and over biology, but the childish glint in Logan’s eyes every time he heard the intro to the show was so out of the ordinary, so free compared to the robot that everyone expected Logan to be, Patton would be lying if he said it didn’t make him fall that much harder in love with him.

Logan glanced over as he finished that chapter, smiling as he saw Patton’s expression. He looked so happy for someone who was just kneeling on the ground, watching his boyfriend read. “You seem real smiley.. Something on your mind?”

Patton shook his head. “No, I’m just sitting here, happy.”

“I can see that,” Logan nodded.

“The only thing that would make this better would be some cuddles...” Patton knew he didn’t want to be pushy, but there was no harm in hinting at it one more time, was there?

Logan chuckled. “You do always seem to be in a cuddly mood, don’t you?” Patton talked about cuddling even when they were cuddling. It was so sweet that Logan found him making the exaggerated comparison of Patton loving cuddle time as much as Logan loved learning.

Patton nodded, leaning forward with hope.

Logan just nodded and turned back to his book, continuing to read. “You can sit on the couch, you know. Surely, it’s more comfortable than sitting on the floor like that. Of course, you can stay on the floor like that, if you prefer, but perhaps your knees would appreciate it if you at least sat in a different position?.” Patton was almost as strange as he was sweet sometimes. Virgil had told him about how it was a stereotype for gay people to sit in places that weren’t meant to be chairs or in positions that didn’t seem to be comfortable whenever Logan had found him resting on his refrigerator for the first time, but Patton didn’t usually fit that stereotype. He couldn’t think of any reason why Patton would be sitting there like that for an extended period of time. Usually, he only sat like that to ask for something and if he wanted something, he asked right away.

Patton got up and sat on the couch, sitting with his legs crossed as he watched Logan read. His legs were sore, but in his defense, he was hoping Logan would catch on sooner and that he’d have a reason to stand up and move closer sooner. But, he figured the couch was comfortable enough as he sat there, hoping to get his daily dose of Logan cuddles sooner rather than later.

Honestly though, as much as he wanted to cuddle up against Logan’s side, he hoped Logan wasn’t hiding any discomfort from him. Patton was doing his best to wait patiently, but he wasn’t a mind reader, what if Logan was feeling pressured by Patton waiting there? But he also didn’t want to walk off and seem like he’d run out of patience. Logan was so straightforward, he’d say something, right?

“Patton?” Logan asked after a few more minutes.

“Yeah?” Patton responded, sitting straight up with his hands in his lap.

“I may be wrong, but have you been asking me to cuddle this entire time?”

Patton’s eyes went wide with surprise. Did Logan honestly not realize? “Well, yeah... I thought I was being obvious enough...”

Logan sighed, the small smile on his face assuring Patton that he was far from annoyed. “Patton, you do realize that you need to be literal with me, right? I love you, but it is nearly impossible for me to interpret your words as anything besides literal. I honestly thought you were just asking if cuddling would improve my mood and commenting on how you’re always willing to cuddle. I was a bit suspicious, since you don’t usually bring it up twice in a row, but I only really figured it out because you got up when I mentioned how you were sitting.”

Patton chuckled awkwardly and scooted a bit closer. They both knew he had trouble figuring out where Logan's understanding of anything figurative ended. “Well, don’t I feel silly... I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to seem to pushy or anything.”

Logan shook his head and shifted so he was laying with his legs outstretched on the couch, opening his arms for Patton. “Asking me outright if I would be okay with cuddling is not being pushy. And, for your information, I wouldn’t mind some cuddle time.”

Patton smiled and immediately fell into his arms, resting his head on Logan’s chest and listening to his heartbeat. “Thank you..” He paused to let Logan respond, waiting a few seconds before realizing that Logan never wrapped his arms back around him. He looked up quizzically and saw that Logan’s arms were up in the air.

“I’m sorry, it’s just... Your cardigan is such a bad texture to me..” It was one of the reasons why Logan got Patton his new cat hoodie when they started getting physical enough to cuddle.

“Oh! I’m so sorry, I must’ve grabbed it on accident.. I’ll be right back.” Patton ran over to his room and switched the cardigan for the cat hoodie that Logan got him - he must've accidentally put it on the wrong place when he came back from hanging out with his friends the night before - before running back into Logan’s arms, smiling as he felt Logan rest his arms on his back.

“Thank you,” Logan hummed, kissing the top of Patton’s head before getting back to reading.

Patton nodded and shut his eyes, enjoying his long awaited cuddle time.

_______________________

Let me know if you guys have any more ideas for me! <3

#sanders sides #fanfiction #fanfic #fan fic #logan sanders #ts logan #ts logic #Logic sanders #patton sanders #ts patton #ts morality #Morality sanders #logicality #fluff

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kokkuri3 · 4 years ago

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are we sending ☕ things i missed that but i wanna play too O_O ☕☕☕ enjoying shitty problematic-esque to problematic vn/anime/games ironically (dmmd, detroit become racist, etc.)

So this is kind of a multi part ask. First I’m gonna address the whole concept of “problematic media.”

I think there’s this... idea, on Tumblr and on other websites, that the ultimate show of one’s morality is actually in your ability to flag to others that you are morally superior. One’s actions don’t matter nearly as much as one’s presentation- that’s why we get people claiming that “stupid” is a slur while claiming that autistic people can’t tell whether sexual attraction to children is moral. It’s not about your actual beliefs, and it’s certainly not about the material realities of your words or actions. It’s about looking for ways to prove you’re better than other people.

A lot of genuinely well intentioned people buy into this mindset, especially white people, in my experience. In those instances the philosophy becomes about extreme self flagellation, where they take any amount of criticism of a work as an indication that they are somehow Not Allowed to consume said work anymore. I’m not necessarily assigning malice to those people. In my personal opinion, I think it has more to do with white people’s lack of experience with any criticism for their racial class. People of color are already used to being judged for the actions of their class, regardless of their status as an individual or the actual truth surrounding those actions. White people are not, so they interpret any criticism of white people as a class as a personal criticism, and thus something they should punish themselves for despite this being in no way helpful to the material realities of people of color. (Which isn’t even getting into the highly individualistic culture of white America.)

So anyway. People like to act as if there’s this definitive line where something becomes Irredeemably Problematic, and if you like anything after that line, it’s because you’re a Bad Person who obviously agrees with whatever bad message that media spreads. This line moves to basically wherever’s convenient for the person drawing it in that instance, which is how you get people obsessed with movies funded by the actual literal US military calling other people immoral for liking something with like, a homophobic joke character or something. It’s not about material realities. So media that might have politically neutral or even progressive themes can get flagged as problematic because of poorly handled elements, while media about how epic American imperialism is gets passed over because it doesn’t have anything overtly misogynistic/racist/homophobic/etc.

Ultimately, what media is and is not “problematic” is entirely a matter of personal opinion and boundaries. A lot of the stuff I like a lot would be upsetting for other people to read, and that’s OK. Similarly, I know some stuff my friends like that I personally find terrible. That’s also fine. We’re different people with different standards, and none of us feel the need to force those standards on anyone else.

THAT SAID,

Both media you listed are, at their core, thematically harmful. DMMD is... literal pornography of the torture of gay men. Detroit: Become Human represents people of color as literal robots and does this in one of the most insensitive manners possible. So, yeah, for rhetoric’s sake, regardless of my personal opinion on “problematic media” as a concept, I’ll agree and say they’re “problematic.”

I... honestly don’t particularly understand the concept of liking something “ironically” or how it differs ethically from liking something genuinely. Like, is it that you’re making fun of it? In which case I mean, I guess. Sure. But otherwise... aren’t you still spreading the same messages as you would be if your enjoyment was genuine?

I guess I’d just have to judge on a case by case basis, thinking in terms of material realities. Ultimately, the people affected by the harmful natures of these work won’t know or care about your intentions. And if you’re not affected by this harm, why do you find it to be so funny, anyway?

#Basically I'm saying just don't be an asshole lol #OP I am you #answers #Anonymous

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phcking-detective · 5 years ago

Note

Referring to the last ask, so Nines has OCD? Or at least something similar to that? What does Gavin think about it, how does he help Nines?

I haven’t written Nines as having OCD in my main fic because it’s not a disorder I have or that has many common overlap symptoms (the way ADD so commonly overlaps or is co-morbid with autism that I feel comfortable writing that perspective), and therefore I’m also not certain how it would translate into him being an android

with him being autistic, I as an autistic person, can imagine Me But Robot Though, but I’m not sure I could believably write that perspective for something I don’t have. I also write all of his more obsessive tendencies as being autistic symptoms based on my own need for consistency and control over my life due to how I was abused as a child for being autistic, and as I understand it, OCD is instead born of compulsions and intrusive thoughts of bad things happening if the compulsions are not accommodated, which isn’t what I experience

I do think an OCD Nines would make a lot of sense though and I fully support anyone who wants to write it that way! I can’t remember what ask you’re referring to, but I think I have a vague recollection of saying something about a human Nines with OCD? as sort of a hypothetical AU, not something I intend to write personally. because again, I think that makes a great headcanon and would make complete sense for his character, so I’ve probably said something about it at some point, I just don’t think I can pull off writing it myself

as for the Nines and Gavin in my own series, I plan on having some scenes where Gavin is usually really great about thinking what Nines needs and how he would react to situations, with one instance or two of getting too caught up in his own head and feelings, and expecting Nines to react like one of his exes or trying to treat Nines the way he (Gavin) would want to be treated, rather than giving Nines what Nines-as-a-person actually wants and needs, then realizing that wasn’t helpful and apologizing

the biggest help Gavin provides is just listening to Nines and taking his needs seriously, even when they run directly opposite to what Gavin would want or need in that situation. like, Gavin is very very touch-starved and needy, so he automatically reacts to Nines being upset or needing reassurance by thinking he should touch Nines or hug him, but then has to stop that impulse and think “no that’s what I would want--what does NINES want”

so he acts as kind of Nines’s human guard dog, bc the other humans are honestly kind of shit at that. Tina, Chris, Hank, they’re all trying to be nice to Nines, but they forget more often that he doesn’t want hugs or shoulder pats or even a handshake if it’s unexpected. he doesn’t like or know how to make small talk, and he’s still very wary of jokes after the hazing he endured when he first started working at the DPD, so Gavin basically orbits around him making sure no one touches him and leaves him alone when he needs his space

in turn, Nines doesn’t mind all of his yelling and blustering because that means nothing to him, and it makes all of the other humans go away. especially Connor, who thinks he knows The Right Way To Deviate and Nines is Doing It Wrong, so Connor is really bad about respecting his boundaries because he’s absolutely convinced that he’s just being nice to his brother who is mean for No Reason, and Gavin shuts that shit down hard

#sweatysoulbagelcolor #connor rk900 #rk900 #gavin reed #dbh #ask #answered

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aceyanaheim · 6 years ago

Text

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.)

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms:

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour. Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info) and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time.

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD)

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection.

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd)

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder)

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be) but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending)

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders)

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.)

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah)

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years)

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help)

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s)

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist)

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.: Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem) deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this.

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do.

How your disorder/s affect your relationships

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems.

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad)

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes. All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression. I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things.

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot) My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away.

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

#mental health #mental illness #mental health awareness #mental health awareness 2018 #mental health awareness 2019 #mha2018 #well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it #depression cw #anxiety cw #self harm cw #suicidal feelings cw #ableism #abuse mention #fillicide mention #uuuh I think that covers it #here goes

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unlimitedskyeproductions · 6 years ago

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100 Random Things About Blake Riley

(I got bored at 4 am so I wrote down some stuff about my OCs This is not the only 100 Random Things sheet that I have so that should warn you of what's to come) 1: his full name is Blake Riley Bates but he always goes by first and middle names rather than first and last 2: 25 years old 3: birthday is February 15th 4: born on a Saturday at 4:37 AM 5: blood type is O-Negative 6: he was involved in a public bombing by terrorists which left nore than 75% of his body completely mangled and destroyed so he had to be fixed up with robotic prosthetics and as a result he's super self-conscious about the fact that he's "not a complete human" 7: favorite color is, obviously, red 8: GAY AS FUCK but super subtle about it despite being way too flamboyant to be legal 9: LOVES FASHION 10: also loves shopping because like ;;;;; pretty clothes are awesome 11: loves roses and if you give him one he'll love you forever 12: he's generally pretty chill about shit but if you mess with someone he cares about then be prepared to get punched with a robot arm 13: he pretends he doesn't believe in supernatural stuff like ghosts but if he hears a weird noise in the middle of the night he'll probably want to move out the next morning 14: hates coffee but ironically loves coffee cake 15: always a little cold??? for some reason??? 16: he likes to poke people and make them shiver 17: likes being cuddled 18: LOVES spooning when he cuddles someone and he really doesn't care whether he's the big spoon or the little spoon as long as he's cuddling 19: really flirtatious and totally not shy about it like at all 20: he loves spoiling the people he loves and making them feel happy 21: he'll flirt with you all day if you let him but as soon as YOU start flirting with HIM he just becomes this dorky little blushing mess and it's adorable 22: WILL. FUCKING. NOT. stand for people insulting his physical appearance 23: loves peanut butter but not peanuts 24: he can't really swim all that well but he's very good at floating 25: like he can swim properly without drowning but just not all that gracefully (he looks like a fish out of water when he's in the water) 26: has a really weird obsession with snow globes??? he collects them and owns over 50 and they're all alphabetized 27: possibly a bit autistic but Nobody Really Knows For Sure 28: he's a fucking genius (seriously his IQ is fucking insane) 29: it's easy to turn him on but it's really hard to make him calm down afterwards 30: you could literally bump into him at a weird angle and there's a 50/50 chance he'll just randomly get a boner from that alone 31: when he gets going he'll kinda whine and try to flirt with you until you give in but in reality he'd never force you into something you don't feel like doing 32: if he happens to get riled up but has nobody who'll do anything about it (or just doesn't feel like it) he'll end up reading smutty novels all night 33: an incredibly passionate lover 34: he doesn't know the meaning of personal space and he'll just come up behind you for no reason and invade your space with hugs 35: he owns 23 pairs of shoes in total and 18 pairs of them have high heels 36: he's not really a blanket hog but if he goes to bed before you do you're sure as fuck not getting that blanket 37: loves spending time with kids (he really wants to be a daddy) 38: loves pickles for some reason 39: he will literally eat an entire jar of pickles all in one go and then drink the juice when he's done 40: he's really weird about people invading his personal space when he doesn't want them to 41:dO nOT tOUCH hIS hAIR wITHOUT cONSENT oR hE wILL sLAP yOU 42: always sings really shitty pop songs in the shower 43: he rarely watches anime ever at all but he fucking LOVES Sailor Moon 44: he went to a costume party one year before the "incident" and he literally dressed up like Sailor Mars 45: full miniskirt and everything and he looked fucking gorgeous???? but why wouldn't he honestly 46: his weakness is caramel and caramel chocolate and basically anything with caramel in it 47: he's not super clingy but he'll insist on really long hugs before leaving to go home or like do thngs (and I'm talking about super close full-body pressing against each other bear hugs for five minutes -minimum-) 48: he often has recurring nightmares about the "incident" and it's actually not uncommon for him to wake up in the middle of the night crying 49: this happens anywhere between twice in four months to six nights per week for nearly a year 50: when this happens he requires lots of gentle cuddles and sweet words of reassurance that he's okay 51: he acts super flamboyant and sassy but in reality he's the most sensitive man you'll ever meet 52: it's super easy to hurt his feelings so please watch your tongue when you're around this sweet little redhead 53: it's totally not uncommon for him to just randomly start blasting Britney Spears on the stereo with the volume all the way up 54: loves wearing sexy lingerie and just feeling pretty 55: there's rarely a time when his nails aren't painted (never any color but red) 56: he's an expert at beer pong for some reason 57: also a master at bottle flipping and mario kart 58: has three sisters named Tanya, Sharon and Abigaile 59: he acts all pure and classy when in reality he owns a hardcover copy of 50 shades of grey and he's read it at least 30 times by this point 60: never goes anywhere without checking himself out in the mirror 5 times first 61: he has a really bad issue with never shutting up during movies 62: if he thinks of something funny to say he'll lean over and whisper it to whoever he's watching the movie with and this will happen every few minutes during the entre movie 63: he's a virgin but like????? he sure as fuck doesn't want to be at this age 64: SUPER fucking ticklish 65: worst spots are his sides and his stomach 66: he has a really sweet and pretty laugh, almost like music 67: he gets really smarmy whenever he starts tickling someone (sort of like he gets a rush outta teasing them) 68: he doesn't often start tickle fights but holy shit he'll fucking end them 69: generally always an uke rather than a seme 70: he's that one friend who'll come over to your house at 3 am because he made ramen noodles and wants to know if you want some 71: can play the violin and the piano beautifully 72: it's super easy to make him cry but he'll never actually cry in front of anyone, he'll just politely excuse himself from the room when he gets upset and go into a random room and sob his heart out until he feels better (quietly, of course) 73: has the mindset of "if you like me I'll let you bother me, but if I don’t like you then fuck off in a fire" 74: despite that he's super nice to everyone unless provoked 75: bacon is honestly his muse 76: he'll eat an entire pack of that shit for breakfast and he'd honestly eat more than a single pack if you let him 77: if you don't watch him carefully he'll wander off and go missing for the whole damn day, and when he comes back it's with an entire car full of shopping bags because guess what he went on aNOTHER fucking shopping spree 78: he's super high maintenance but at the same time he isn't??? 79: like he's just as excited with a super expensive jewelry gift as he is with a bag of burgers from McDonald's 80: he's weird like that 81: he'll pretty much eat anything he can get his hands on and his metabolism is scarily high so he never gains any extra weight despite the fact that if he didn't have that high metabolism he'd honestly be like 400 pounds at this point because he loves food and can't control himself 82: loves cute things 83: also loves soft and fluffy things 84: always wants to dress up his friends in cute clothes and do their hair (and their makeup if they're girls) 85: his parents have no idea he's gay but his sisters do and they're very supportive of him 86: his dad is a super strict military man so like????? He's Fucking Terrified To Tell Him 87: there's honestly never a time where he doesn’t want to go shopping 88: you could call him at 6 am and be like "hey there's an awesome new shoe store that just opened" and he'd be pounding on your door not even fifteen minutes later like "BITCH GET YOUR COAT WE'RE GOING SHOE SHOPPING" 89: despite everything he's actually really super shy and it's really hard for him to talk to people and make friends 90: but once he trusts you he relaxes and he's able to act like himself 91: loves flowers 92: he's absolutely insufferable when he gets sick but at the same time he also apologizes profusely for being so snappish 93: once spent an entire night chained to a radiator 94: he never talks about it but he's made it very clear that he was NOT kidnapped 95: he may or may not own a whip and a tazer 96: for practical use only, of course 97: loves sweets and candy 98: when he gets excited he acts like he has ADHD and can't focus on anything 99: probably knows the lyrics to every Lady Gaga song by heart 100: in general he's a great guy and a loyal friend

#unlimitedskyeproductions #blake riley #oc info #i did this instead of sleeping

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aroworlds · 7 years ago

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Could you talk a bit about amatonormativity and how it related to you? I know the 101 (aka the definition), but I have trouble identifying it in real life, discussing how it permeates in fiction, etc. and this is kinda weird but I think an informed discussion about it would help? IDK feel free to ignore it if you don't have the spoons for it, but if you want to it would be a huge help!

Anon, I told you this was going to be long, but … well, it’s long!

The problem is that amatonormativity is a wall I keep hurling myself against, as an aro and as an aro creative, and there isn’t much conversational space where I am permitted to go all out in talking about it. I fear discussing this with too much vehemence, to go beyond the hand-holding 101 conversations about being aro, in case I alienate the alloromantic folks who do support me. Alloromantic people aren’t interested in conversations that undermine their sense of the world, and aro-spec spaces are small; both things together result in silence.

Because of this, I think it’s reasonable that this is something hard to grasp, for aro-spec and alloromantic folks alike: the educative conversations are hard to find or don’t exist. When you add to the fact that for the last two years a-spec people have been fighting targeted hate, that our conversations have fallen back to claws-out defence or the shield of validation, how the hell are we supposed to understand our own experiences, especially something as-yet-unquestioned as the practical impact of amatonormativity?

I hope you don’t mind, but because this is so long, I’m going to concentrate on amatonormativity in media and its impact on me as a creative.

In terms of fictional media, I think amatonormativity shows itself most obviously in the concept of a happy ending–that two people in a romantic relationship is by far the most common variant. No, not all stories end witha romantic happy ending, but so many do, even if it’s only a romantically-happy-for-now ending. Think Disney films; think action films shoving in an unnecessary romantic side-plot because the hero gets the girl once the explosions are over; think every story where the guy got the girl for reasons we the audience are expected to accept without question.

Likewise, a film with a tragic or unhappy ending is often shown by a protagonist not falling in romantic love or the dissolution of a romantic relationship. While there are other forms of indicating tragedy, the lack of a romantic paring for a character expected to be in one is common. There’s a reason Romeo and Juliet has long been framed as a tragic romance even though the tragedy, I’d argue, lies more in the impact of feuding families on the next generation, not the death of two young people in a “star-crossed” romance.

Even genres that aren’t romantic in the sense that romance isn’t the focus of the plot will still include sexual and romantic tension between characters: many of the crime and thriller novels I’ve read, supposedly less romantic because they target a cishet male audience, devote a great many pages to depicting romantic relationships nonetheless. The majority of YA novels depict the development of romantic relationships (which is why I kept reading middle-grade books even when I was too old for them) and even low-romance adult fiction still has the protagonists having had or desiring a romantic relationship at some point. So many literary works deal with the breakdown of romantic relationships, affairs, being single, unrequited love, or the way dangerous or alien environments, or the tyranny of distance, places stresses on romantic partnerships. These often won’t have purely happy endings–often tragic or complicated–because they’re Literary, but they’re just as obsessed with romantic love as any romance novel. In constantly going on about romance’s failure without ever making the point that someone can be happy and self-fulfilled without it, literary works are as amatonormative as anything else.

Romantic love and relationships don’t have to be successful: we just have to show a character desiring these or struggling with these, just so the audience knows that the protagonist is human. Characters who are shown as disdaining romance, or being uninterested in it, are usually antagonistic characters who are beyond redemption, are aliens or robots, or are coded as robotic–characters who are literally inhuman or portrayed as such. There’s a reason that The Big Bang Theory’s Sheldon Cooper becomes a kinder, more “normal”, less-autistic-coded man the more he falls in romantic love with Amy, despite being introduced as extremely aroace-coded, and it’s called amatonormativity.

This is the point in the post where we aro-specs are giving the world that long, pained stare, and for good reason.

Romantic love as a marker of human worth is the most succinct way I can describe the impact of amatonormativity. It’s not a flawless summary, but so often romance is treated as a universal concept, relevant to all, because Western society uses the possession of or desire for romantic love as an indicator of a person’s humanity. Romantic love makes us human, and so romantic love is everywhere, unquestioned and unassailable.

Elements of a more expanded sense of amatonormativity include:

- The idea that romantic attraction, love and relationships are universal to the human experience (predominantly a relationship encompassing, exclusively, one perisex heterosexual-and-heteromantic cis man and one perisex heterosexual-and-heteromanticcis woman).

- The idea that romantic love is the primary form of love and all other forms, once one gains a certain level of socially-acceptable maturity or adulthood, are naturally secondary.

- The idea that romantic love and relationships are relatable to and attainable by all, and any failure to relate to it or attain it is a personal or moral failing.

- The idea that people who do not experience, attain or desire a romantic partnership are, after a certain age, childish or childlike, immature, robotic, alien, inhuman.

- The idea that sex (especially non-heterosexual or non-vanilla sex) is only acceptable, for a person of high moral character, when it comes paired with romantic love. (Characters who have sex without romantic love are often coded as grasping, hateful, calculating, predatory.)

- The idea that the attainment of romantic love and relationships is a marker of character development, growth, adulthood or redemption.

- The idea that because romantic love and relationships are universal, to not depict them in media is to render one’s work childish or uninteresting. (Every aro-spec creator of narrative media knows the impact of this one.)

- The idea that the lack of romantic love or relationships, or the desire for these, is an indicator of a person of low moral character.

- The unquestioned idea that romance sells, accompanied with the assumption that the inclusion of romance in a work (or the story-arc of a protagonist) is a necessary part of making that work (or character) appealing to all audiences.

- No comprehension that romantic attraction can be felt and experienced in a diversity of ways and strengths, particularly with regards to fluctuation, intensity and circumstance.

- Very little comprehension of the difference between romantic attraction and romantic behaviours.

- An assumption that there is a certain set of behaviours that are only or best experienced with romantic attraction. (Engaging in these behaviours without romantic attraction is also often coded as predatory.)

Please note that all these discussions of romance are based on an alloromantic model: romance in and of itself is not inherently amatonormative. Aro-spec people’s experiences of romantic love and relationships do not fit the above because they do not and cannot assume that everyone fits this assumption of romantic attraction being a universal, unquestioned human. If your depiction of romance doesn’t assume that romance makes us a worthy human and everyone experiences it, it’s probably not amatonormative.

There’s heavy overlap with ableism, misogyny, heterosexism, whoremisia, etc, and this must be acknowledged. Amatonormativity hits hard on its own, but it seldom hits alone. More often it’s paired up with another form of oppression, which means people who better fit its norms can deny its existence by claiming the problem is due only to amatonormativity’s current partner.

Additionally, most mainstream amatonormative works are going to be about cishet romances (the romantic relationship between a cis heterosexual man and a cis heterosexual woman, presumed to be perisex and both alloromantic and allosexual). Women are far more subject to the need to be shown in romantic relationships than men; men are more often allowed to travel through the narrative without being subject to a romance, although most are shown as at least desiring it. Each experience of marginalisation is going to shape in different ways how amatonormativity impacts us, and this needs to be discussed (especially because if we don’t, antagonists deny the existence of amatonormativity altogether).

(I will say that amatonormativity and misogyny have a strange relationship in that excessive romance is treated as feminine and emotional, and denigrated because of it. We all know how literature is valued and respected over fanworks and genre romance. Cishet men, meanwhile, have a long history of treating the having of a romantic partner as a trap–phrases like “ball and chain” with regards to a wife, for example. Despite this, there’s still an unquestioned social expectation that men experience romance attraction and have, will have or want a romantic partner.)

I’ll use my experience as a trans aro to give an example of this kind of overlap.

Amatonormativity in LGBTQIA+ media is coloured by the fact that LGBTQIA+ folks have been denied romantically-happy-endings until recently; the rise of fandom and LGBTQIA+ genre media has done much to change this. Yet both are, predominantly, romance narratives, to the extent that there is little space for anything else. This history leaves me in an awkward position. The need for love stories featuring trans characters and trans bodies as worthy of romantic interest and desire is profound. In a world where romantic love is seen as the only kind of love worth talking about, powerful and primary, it’s natural many trans/NB stories are about just that.

I feel like I’m walking on thin ice if I talk about how depicting romance as the only acceptable trans happy ending defines my experience of gender by romantic experiences--and yet that is exactly what I feel. Furthermore, this is a narrative many alloromantic trans people need and deserve. In trying to tell stories about me, an aro trans person, who isn’t a target of romantic love, my stories are seen by alloromantic trans folks as mirroring the narratives that have long harmed trans people, treating us as unlovable. My work cannot provide the validation–that they are desired and loved romantically–alloromantic trans folks are looking for.

The amatonormativity isn’t in the existence of trans romance stories, but the fact there are fewer publishing options, and smaller audiences, for non-romantic/aromantic/gen stories about trans love and identity. The amatonormativity lies in the fact that romantic love for trans characters is the love on which trans genre media centres.

As a reader, I need stories that talk about different kinds of love, love for myself and my own body, a radical self-acceptance that isn’t tied to someone else’s romantic interest in me. Instead, I get stories telling me that I am accepted, as a trans person, if my identity is tied up in experiences I don’t have and don’t desire.

The intersection of amatonormativity and cissexism results in its own peculiar oppression for me as a trans aro, one that I find impossible to navigate in a world where it isn’t understood that romance doesn’t have to be the primary form of expressing love and acceptance for trans characters and even trans bodies. I’ve seen so many posts on my dash about people proclaiming a want for trans storytelling while getting no benefit from this movement because I’m writing about aro trans characters. That’s more than a little disheartening.

This kind of intersection does a lot of damage to aro-spec creators who are otherwise marginalised (so many marginalised experiences come with a heavy dose of we are lovable, our love is important, we deserve the right for our love to be accepted and protected and acknowledged, much of this conversation centred on romantic love) but just being an aro-spec creator who creates aro-spec narrative media comes with an inherent disadvantage that is difficult to surmount.

I’ve got some numbers for this disadvantage, actually. My latest work, The Wind and the Stars, has had fifty downloads in its first month, and I’m actually excited by that, because everything else I’ve posted with the tag “aromantic” has gotten approximately twenty downloads in their first months. A couple of works didn’t break the fifty mark until three or four months in! By contrast, with the same amount of promotion but published under a brand new name with no back catalogue to help (unlike my other works), my explicitly queer paranormal romance story got three hundred downloads in its first month. How am I supposed to provide representation for my community when I don’t have enough interest in my work to justify the work of its production?

The tag aromantic helps guide aro-spec readers, but it actively discourages most alloromantic readers (who exist in far greater number) from reading, and most of them won’t have any comprehension of why. They just see romance as normal and interesting, and anything that subverts this, be it specifically aromantic or just gen, undermines this worldview. It happens so subconsciously it’s near impossible to challenge.

In a way, one of the most damaging aspects of amatonormativity is its lack of recognition. Most people have some understanding, now, on what misogyny is and what harm it might cause, even if one disagrees with it or has a 101 understanding at best. There’s a social model for beginning to understand this. Amatonormativity, on the other hand, has no such basis. It’s so unquestioned that few people who aren’t aro-spec recognise it or need to, and it’s often seen as a lesser problem. As someone who is struggling as a creator because of amatonormativity, to the extent that I don’t know how I can possibly survive as a writer, it angers me to see this treated as less important than other forms of normativity. No, nobody will beat me up on the street as an aro, but if I can’t keep a roof over my head because only a small number of people are reading my free books and I have no belief they’ll buy my next book, how does this distinction matter?

Amatonormativity silences, erases and oppresses aro-spec people. It substantially disadvantages us in how we are seen by others and how we interact with the world around us. And almost nobody outside aro-spec spaces wants to acknowledge it.

Sorry for the rant at the end there, anon. Does this give you some idea on how amatonormativity is demonstrated through media and how it impacts aro-spec creatives?

#anon #ask #text #amatonormativity #amatonormativity in creativity #I will essay at you #long post #very long post #extremely long post #mod k.a.#romance mention #discussion post #romance discussion #creativity discussion posts #aromanticism and intersectionality #not media #support our aro spec creatives if you can

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cyrelia-j · 6 years ago

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Our Boy Jack

Today I felt compelled to see if I could find the book references where Jack appears. BIG MISTAKE. Or rather, an experience that left me absolutely livid when I was able to locate the chapter from the book where he appears and read it. It’s David Mack’s “Zero Sum Game” and it is infuriating. I haven’t read his other ST books so I can only speak to what I read of Jack and what it boiled down to for me is that Jack is just a narcissistic and violent maniac who’s [incidentally] brilliant because of his genetic enhancements. He barely reads like a person. He reads as if the author read the character descriptions off a sheet or the script and just went with it without ever really trying to understand anything about him

The result is nothing but a one dimensional caricature and does an incredible and egregious disservice to the character.

One of the things I’ve wanted to do most is write a Jack book/biopic. After really analyzing, thinking about, writing about, and considering his character in massive depth I’ve wanted to take the parody shit the writers were trying to create and expand on him. Why? Because there is an endless fountain of potential that I see in him after watching and rewatching and just loving the hell out of this character. I wanted to take the awesome nuanced and human job that Tim Ransom had given Jack and breathe life into him so he can be brought into glorious color. I want to take al the fantastic tidbits and hints of incredibleness and beauty that I see and bring that out into the world.

This book doesn’t even try to do more than make him a paper plot device and you know I’m still pissed thinking about it. Because here’s the thing. Jack isn’t a villain (and if he was they'd have done a shit job there too). Jack isn’t a monster and he’s written in a way where those writing him don’t even know what the hell they want to do with him or what they want him to me. Why does this make me angry? Because in researching the path to writing ST novels I found that secondary characters as a rule don’t get to star in books (exceptions made obviously but I don’t think Jack’s gonna be one of them). And it’s hard as hell to get into writing even a primary character novel because they receive so many.

So our only representations of Jack are the show and this chapter and I’m here to say that Jack fucking DESERVES BETTER. Even if I never get to publish a book through Pocket, you bet your ass I'm fighting to give him better than what he's been dealt.

You want to know who I think Jack is? You want to know who I think Jack deserves to be?!

Strap yourself in (and head canons a-fucking-hoy) because here is the Jack I’m fucking writing and fighting to bring to the world:

I’m writing the Jack who loves cinnamon ice cream, who eats tomatoes like apples messy and unashamed. The Jack who’s a New York boy and will fight you over the best pizza on Earth. The Jack who was taught ballroom but loves the lindy hop, the Jack who loves dancing and could dance all night, who feels the beat of music down to his soul and feels alive moving his body augments and all unrestrained and free. The Jack who loves old rock music and classical and everything else in between. The Jack who loves being in high up places, who loves climbing, who’ll climb every tree unafraid and look out excited at the world as the wind blows by. The Jack who loves the feel of rain on his face, who’ll lay on the wet grass naked under a tree and get drenched with a smile, the sound of the rain blissing him out.

I’m writing the anxious Jack, the Jack who’s uneasy around people and retreats back arms crossed tightly biting his thumb, the Jack who’s afraid of his own strength and frustrated and anguished that people look at him like he’s a monster. The Jack who struggles with being human, the Jack who had to decide if he’d see himself as a monster or god and walled himself up in god because it was the only way to protect himself from being hurt. The Jack who tried to kill himself at 15 because he couldn’t live in a world without freedom and woke up in The Institute strapped to a bed alive and in hell. The Jack whose family didn’t want their autistic child and tried to fix him only to fail in destroying him, the Jack who couldn’t bring himself to talk and still hates it but forces himself to keep going even as he stutters and tics and talks fast and can’t ever say the things he actually feels.

I’m writing the Jack who quotes Poe and poetry and books because those authors say the things that he can’t, the Jack who prefers to sign, the Jack who finds everything too bright and too loud and lashes out when everything closes in on him and he can’t breathe. The Jack who has trouble understanding shades of gray, primarily seeing Good and Bad, Proper or Improper, Correct or Wrong and not understanding why people are always angry with him. The defensive Jack who has to protect himself from being hurt, lied to, manipulated because it’s happened before, the Jack who tells himself he’s better than everyone else because he has to find something to tell himself when he’s alone in his room at night locked in Not Understanding what he did to deserve to be imprisoned.

I’m writing the Jack who will act on his convictions without hesitation, the Jack who won’t question an order to save, the Jack who stays up late reading old sci fi novels with Patrick, the Jack who helps him test out his robots and inventions, the Jack who tries every time to pull Lauren back from a bad episode where she can’t tell what’s real and what isn’t always careful not to hurt her no matter how much she hurts him. The Jack who’ll spend days debating with Sarina, waiting patiently for her to answer him by PADD because the can’t speak, the Jack who wants to give her a voice even though it will mean she’s that much less like him. The Jack who tries every fucking day to learn and adapt until there are so many new things that he can’t handle it and he lashes out.

I’m writing the Jack who doesn’t sleep at night spending hours reciting novels to himself, the Jack who catches naps every few hours, the Jack who lays away at night terrified of the end of the universe, who obsesses over reversing entropy because he’s so horrified by the thought of not existing that he fixates and can’t think of anything else. The Jack who hates being cold and always bundles up, who wears an endless array of sweaters and cardigans and likes the feel of sleeves falling over his hands. The Jack who wears 1920s swimsuits and doesn’t understand jokes or teasing and always takes everything seriously until he starts learning. The Jack who doesn’t lie because he doesn’t see a point in it. The Jack who has thousands of elaborate counters in his head going constantly for everything he wants to track, a snow globe with snowflakes counting the hours since he saw snow, George and Martha arguing and knocking back shots counting the last time he saw his parents, a Sarina behind a glass marking off minutes since he last saw her which soon grow to hours.

I’m writing the Jack whose usually asexual [sometimes not] who absolutely loves physical intimacy and kissing and being warm and touched and loves more than anything just hearing a partner whispering his name happily. The Jack who can’t help but bite if things get near his mouth, the Jack who’s full of passion and vibrance, who wants to learn EVERYTHING and loves languages and the written word, the Jack who hates mint and is impetuous but never intentionally cruel, the Jack who would fucking die for someone he loves without giving it a second thought, the Jack who wants to be better, who doesn’t believe in limits or holding back living 100% of everything all the time, and the Jack who was never broken, never wrong, always beautiful imperfect but exactly as he should be and completely utterly human.

THIS IS MY JACK

#star trek ds9 #ds9 jack #Character Study #Characterization #headcanons #star trek rant #ranting #genetic augments #enhanced humans #jack pack #free jack #jack deserves so much fucking better #he's totally my cinnamon roll #long post is long

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livingfictionsystem · 3 years ago

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Cult Bait

My family and I have always been… distant. Dad always under-reacted to everything. I’m reasonably sure you could tell this man the house was on fire and he’d casually pass you a glass of water to fight it with. Mum was the precise opposite. She seemed to have the sneaking suspicion that the news did not report events that have happened, but would happen, specifically to her, in the near future. If you ever wanted someone to ad-lib an anxiety attack you haven’t even had yet, talk to her.

As a result, I’ve spent the last ten years generally only speaking to either of them when I have comedic stories to make Dad laugh, or have two hours to kill to talk to Mum.

I do love my parents. They’ve tried their best. Gods know I was a curveball and a half but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some grudges carried over from my childhood.

Bad grades? Definitely my fault. I was lazy. Or I wanted to be ‘cool.’ I didn’t think being grounded from Darkwing Duck after every grade card was very ‘cool’ but that was Mum’s novel theory.

Bullied? Well, what did I do to deserve it? My paternal grandmother, may she hear every bitter word I ever speak of her, once asked me at a family function how many friends I had. When the number I provided was decidedly pathetic, she had a pointed follow-up. How many enemies did I have?

That number, much more impressive in its unintended vastness, prompted the question: “Well, why do you think that is?”

We’ve had a unspoken compromise, over the years. I didn’t want to talk about my complicated feelings, my insecurities, my hopes and dreams—and my blood relatives didn’t ask.

I’d had friends before. They were based on people who could tolerate me and make me laugh.

I can’t say my standards have changed all that much.

There always seemed to be a language barrier, however. Not that any of us spoke anything but English, but no one seemed to speak our language. It was difficult to really feel connected to someone.

Until we met Shadow.

Retrospect, he had to have been autistic as well, which was how he spoke our language. He was obsessed with Sonic X (yes, hence the name) and CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. There was a pretty solid likelihood that he was also trying to start a religion of three.

He lived in the same neighborhood as us, near a construction lot in Mill Valley, Marysville, Ohio. We met him on one of our frequent jaunts around town. He was three years this body’s senior, twelve when were only nine. His friend was a year and a half older, by the name of Illusion. He lived on the same street, over on Deer Crossing Lane.

It’s been years since I’ve thought about these two. They were, for years, one of the fragile centers of our life. Now I’m just hoping they were, at one point, real. But we’ll get to that.

One of my first times hanging out with Shadow, we were in his basement, playing Sonic Adventure 2: Battle on his Gamecube. We’d played the Sonic and Knuckles games on CD-ROM and watched the show as a kid, but this was something… different. This was something with much more of a plot than robot animals and chili dogs. This involved government conspiracy, something created by humans that grew to resent them, Sonic running from the US military. We were more than interested.

“This is Shadow the Hedgehog. I’ll not deceive you by letting you assume that the name is coincidental—I only hope I grow to be worthy of it.” Oh, yes, that’s how he talked. He had what almost seemed to be an accent, but he just over-pronounced every word, hitting each consonant like it stole something. It always seemed like he had rehearsed each line before saying them. Maybe he did. He was a scrawny kid, mostly hidden beneath a Hawthorne Heights hoodie and one of those really baggy Tripp Pants that were in style around those times. They all looked ragged, as if they were either purchased years before or found at Goodwill. Either could’ve been true. His eyes were large. For some reason, he had unreasonably large irises, dark green, that seemed to drown out the scant whites in his eyes. His hair was black, coarse, with the slightest bit of curl to it. He had a sharp, impish face for a twelve-year old. He was gesturing to the 3D rendered, in all of its 2002 glory, Shadow the Hedgehog.

Shadow the Hedgehog was the most goth thing our young, suburban brain had ever seen. Spikey, red and black, accented with gold—this anthropomorphic hedgehog was the peak of aesthetic.

No, I’m not a furry.

But I’ve always been a few crises away from being one.

Neb—probably quite a bit less. The girl had a tie-dye howling wolf tee, for gods’ sake.

My new friend, Shadow, was perfectly capable of telling me Goth Sonic’s backstory. “He was created by Dr. Robotnik’s grandfather, Dr. Gerald Robotnik.”

“Created? Like Mewtwo?” Can you guess our first ever special interest? Come on, take a shot in the dark.

Shadow was familiar, thankfully. Pokémon wasn’t so common as it is today. “Yes, indeed! A lot like that, actually. But Shadow didn’t hate his creator. At least, not initially. Dr. Gerald had a huge space colony called the ARK. He created Shadow to be the ultimate life form, something the military requested to synthesize immortality.” I’m more or less speculating on the exact wording, but I swear to gods he did talk like this. “Dr. Gerald had no interest in military doings, but his granddaughter, Maria, had Neuro-Immuno-Deficient Disorder, and so he undertook the project mainly for her sake.”

We probably spent the next week on the plotline of SAB2. The newest video game console we knew was a Gameboy, so a Gamecube was obviously a technological breakthrough to us. He would let us in to his basement that was just across from the garage. There never seemed to be anyone else there when we were over. And he always came out to greet us, as if making certain that we wouldn’t make the mistake of knocking on the door.

We saw signs of other people. Caught glimpses of family photos in the living room. I remember the father having black hair—the rest of the family was primarily ginger. But Shadow seemed to shy away from any subject of families. We would complain about our family, about how our brother that was five years our younger was the obvious favorite. He had nothing to offer on that subject.

He also seemed happy to see us. Everyone else just shoved us off like a pest, but it was like we were students of a subject that he sorely wished to teach. Perhaps we were.

It was when we were playing the two-player function of the game that he said something funny. “You see him? That’s Chaos. Proof that these writers know a bit more than they’re letting on.”

The character was this bipedal, stout, with lobster-claw-like hands and frog-like feet. Its head was the shape of a bird’s foot. Most interestingly, its body seemed entirely comprised of flowing, rippling water. Its eyes seemed like light-green gems.

“See, that’s one of the Chaos gods. Hydro, the God of Water. That’s who this one is based off of. But there are eight of them. Water, Fire, Earth, Air, Lightning, Mind, Night, Spectrum.” He counted them off his fingers. “Those are the eight Chaos gods of the eight elements.”

We’d honestly been interested in religion ever since I could remember. Not monotheism, but we gravitated naturally to more polytheistic beliefs. I still do. The cause of this? Considering we were nine? Probably Disney’s version of Hercules, if we’re being honest. To some of you, this isn’t the first novel of mine you’ve read and this is sounding eerily familiar. Some of you are more than just curious about how delusional I am.

You’ll notice that I’ve referred to myself as plural throughout this. That’s because, throughout many memories of my childhood, I didn’t feel like I was the only one there. I feel like the girl who would later be called Nebula shared my childhood with me. That’s probably the best way I can describe it. At that time, we were we. Around this time, we were starting to become she. I was only partially awake, as if I was nodding off before my seven-year slumber.

Shadow eventually asked Neb to be his Apprentice. She was to choose her name—it was to be a name easily translatable, like a noun, as homage to how the Chaos gods changed their name with the language of every country. Like Hydro, Water, Wasser, etc.

Does this sound like a cult? Probably.

But who am I kidding? This entire system is cult bait.

I’ve pre-written this chapter on a Word document, by the way. But I meant to post it today. Why?

Today is August 10th, 2020. Sixteen years, to the day, since Shadow died.

#disassociative identity disorder #sonic the hedgehog #cult #memoirs #final fantasy house

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bluering8 · 7 years ago

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do the fandom ask thing for all the versions of star trek you've seen

So that’s… TOS and TNG then (we could also countnu!Trek/AOS but… let’s not count nu!Trek/AOS).

I’ve also seen Two Whole Episodes of Voyager (the one where B’Elannagot split into her human and klingon halves because that’s how species works inStar Trek I guess, and the one where Doctor McHologram wrote a story andeveryone was real mad about how they were portrayed in his story so they wrotea story where he sexually harassed his patients because that’s how solvinginterpersonal problems works in Star Trek I guess) but I don’t think that’senough to Count.

the first character Iever fell in love with:

TOS: Spock.

TNG: Data!

a character that Iused to love/like, but now do not:

TOS: Uhhh probably Spock also? It’s not that I dislike him now so much as I’ve justkind of lost interest in him as a character. I find vulcans to be pretty boringoverall. I adore serious-businessstoic characters, but usually what I love about them is that they’re just assilly as everyone else, only in different ways. You don’t get that withvulcans, they’re like obsessively solemn and take themselves too seriously atall times.

TNG: Oh, definitely Wesley. I quite liked him for the firstcouple of episodes, and then things degenerated rapidly and now I’m at thebitch-eating-crackers level of he doesn’t even need to do anything wrongbecause I’m willing to take his mere existence as a personal insult.

a ship that I used tolove/like, but now do not:

Uhhh I don’t know man, I haven’t spent enough time aroundTrek fandom to get jaded on any of the ships yet.

my ultimate favouritecharacter™:

TOS: God, I don’t know. I don’t feel mad super passionatelyabout any of the TOS cast. Scotty? Scotty’s fun, I like him okay I guess.

TNG: DATA!! My boy, my son, my cinnamon roll, my perfectwish-fulfilment character because who doesn’twant to be an autistic robot man with super strength and a job he loves and apet cat and a dorky boyfriend??

prettiest character:

TOS: Uhura, absolutely.

TNG: Depending on how you define “prettiest”… Tasha Yar isabsolutely the most attractivecharacter, she could break both my arms and I would thank her for the privilege.Geordi is probably the nicest to look at,there’s something so utterly pleasing about the proportions of his face. He isShaped Like A Friend. (Special mentions go to Data and Picard, who have thebest noses on the ship. Neither of them have particularly fantastic noses, butI have to take what I can get where I can find it. Where are all my big-nosedbeauties, this show is not catering to my aesthetic preferences and I feel personallyattacked by this.)

my most hatedcharacter:

TOS: Again, I just don’t feel mad super passionately aboutany of the TOS cast. Who don’t I even like? This is the sound of me realising I’veforgotten like 90% of TOS.

TNG: It’s cliché to hate Wesley, but… guys, I really hateWesley. Also I kind of dislike Troi a lot. Apparently she gets better later on,and I’m not yet at the stage where I loathe her utterly and there’s nothing shecan do to redeem herself, so maybe hopefully one day I will stop dislikingTroi? That’d be neat.

my OTP:

Data/Geordi. That’s it, that’s the ship.

Uh you know what, also Odo/Quark. I don’t know fuckinganything about DS9 but I follow enough people who care about the goolawman/trashgoblin bartender ship that I accidentally started caring about italso. They’re horrible gross jerks who hate each other and they should getmarried so they can go around being horrible and gross and hating each otherfor the rest of eternity please and thank you.

my NOTP:

I don’t really… care enough about shipping to dislikeanything. Data/Yar maybe? I don’t enjoy this ship based entirely on twocharacters having fucked once under the influence of Weird Space Drugs, whichYar then indicated she very much regretted and would not have done sober.

favourite episode:

TOS: I… can’t really remember any fuckin’ TOS episodes. Orlike, I can remember them, but I can’t remember how I felt about them (and myfeelings would certainly have changed by now given that it’s been years).

TNG: S03E10 (The Defector)!! I loved the oneshot NPC and Ienjoyed the plot a lot and I got very emotionally invested in everything whichhappened. I’ve already talked about this hereand here sowe’ll move quickly on before I accidentally another outpouring of love for RomulanDefector Guy and his character arc.

saddest death:

TOS: Spock! The impact was kind of dulled because I knew he’dbe coming back, but it’s still that moment which really really drives home so fucking hard just how much Spock andKirk mean to each other. There’s something so fucking glorious about a death scene where all a person can do is sit andwatch helplessly.

TNG: Am I allowed to say Jarok? Am I allowed to care about aoneshot NPC so much that I consider his death to be the most tragic thing inthe series so far? It’s not so much that I’m sad he died, just that… you havethis character who’s betrayed the planet he loves, he’s lost his familyforever, he’s given up everything,and he thought he could live with that because he did it all for a Cause andnow he learns that it was all a lie and he really did it all for nothing? Likeouch, yeah, just pull my still-beating heart out of my chest and fucking step on it. And then like, hedies because that’s the simplest way to tie up his plotline and you never haveto think about him again and Okay Then.

Other than that, Data’s death was Very Sad because I love myrobot son. Yar’s death was not really sadbut it was Upsetting because god dammit Yar deserved better!! She was too coolto get randomly offed by Goo Man, this is bullshit.

favourite season:

TOS: I think Iremember S02 being particularly good? Who Knows man.

TNG: I. Argh. Fuckign. I’m going to say S03 because it wasthe one I watched most recently and like, a “season” is a really big shape, Ican’t hold shapes that big in my tiny meat brain. But this one had RomulanDefector Guy and Q being de-Q’d and Data having non-drugged sex and Datagetting kidnapped then attempting to shoot his kidnapper to death thentransparently bullshitting Riker when asked about it, and those were all thingsI enjoyed happening. But then S02 also had a lot of things I really enjoyedhappening?? I don’t fucking know, my guy.

least favouriteseason:

Instead of answering this question I spun my chair incircles singing along to Charmless Manand I suggest you do the same. Seasons are really big and there’re a lot ofthings which happen in them!! I don’t have the memory for that sort of thing.

character thateveryone else in the fandom loves, but i hate:

I… don’t really hang around in the fandom enough to knowwhat the general opinion of the characters is, I just sit here in my own littlecorner and enjoy myself.

my “you’re a piece oftrash, but you’re still a fave” fave:

Q!! Also Lore. My faves are always trash, loving Data asmuch as I do is very unusual for me.

my “beautifulcinnamon roll who deserves better than this” fave:

D A T A!!

my “this ship iswrong, nasty, and it makes me want to cleanse my soul, but i still love it”ship:

I… can’t think of anything. That’s weird, I usually hitbedrock on Problematic™ ships within the first fifteen minutes and spend therest of the show attempting to dig myself Even Deeper. Uh, does Bruce Maddox’screepily transparent crush on Data count? I think that should count.

my “they’re kind ofcute, and i lowkey ship them, but i’m not too invested” ship:

TOS: Spirk! It’s a good ship, I enjoy it, they shouldtotally get married, but you won’t catch me lying awake at 3am staring at theceiling and gently weeping to myself over how much I want these dumbmotherfuckers to just kiss already.

TNG: Data/Q. I’m not sure whether or not anyone else shipsit, but watching S03E13 (Deja Q) convinced me that it’d be cute. They both havean outsider’s perspective on humanity, Data’s patient and forgiving enough todeal with Q’s feather-ruffling bullshit and would generally be a calminginfluence on him I think, and if you take lifespan disparity into account thisis probably the least depressing ship for either of them.

#hap answers #dedicatedfollower467 #star trek #star trek tos #star trek tng #askbox meme

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hoshiko2000 · 7 years ago

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The Boy On The Bridge & The Dangerous Myth Of The Autistic Robot

I want to begin by saying how much I love M.R Carey’s The Girl With All The Gifts! A highly original addition to the sci-fi genre, it centers on a race of human/zombie hybrids discovered in the fallout of a devastating apocalypse. Told through the eyes of Melanie - one such of these unsettling, eerily intelligent children - it paints a terrifying and unnervingly tangible picture of a decimated England. It was a book I found utterly impossible to tear myself away from, so when a prequal was released in late 2017 I couldn’t fail to check it out.

Set around 10 years before the original novel, The Boy on The Bridge follows the ill-fated former crew of the Rosalind Franklin; an elite team of soldiers and scientists who will become the first humans to encounter the mysterious ‘hungry’ children. It’s a intriuiging premise, promising to provide answers to the many burning questions left over from the previous novel.

But as much as I wanted to lose myself in this exciting tale of post-apocolyptic survival, devastated cities and fungal-plagues, I quickly found myself distracted by one specific character. A character who, from the moment they first appeared on the page, immediately began to grate on me.

They’re not someone I’m at all unfamiliar with. I’ve encountered characters exactly like him many, many times over. While once they were rare, today they seem to endlessly bombard us in movies, on TV, across countless genres of fiction. They are a character who embodies troubling, regressive cliches that – in 2017 – I was hoping we were finally beginning to see the back of. A character who is, supposedly, just like me.

His name is Stephen Greaves, and he’s autistic.

(TW for references to both the fictional and real life abuse of autistic children)

I should correct my previous paragraph by stating Stephen’s not ‘actually’ autistic. The author does have the forethought to pull the disclaimer-card of saying he might just have severe PTSD instead. It’s the same convenient ambiguity that always seems to precede terrible, regressive depictions of autistic people; Christopher Boone being another key example.

Considering that this is a kid who literally watched his parents get eaten by zombies, the idea that Stephen may have PTSD does feel fairly plausible. Probable even. But this still doesn’t change the fact that Stephen is heavily, heavily autistic coded. By which I mean he is yet another exaggerated stereotype of how neurotypical authors believe we think and behave.

From the moment he first appears Stephen is strikingly, undeniably ‘odd’. At 15 years old he rarely speaks, is terrified of physical contact and devotes much of his time to avoiding other people. He is a scientific savant who views the world through a detached, analytical lense and considers human relationships an unwanted distraction. This doesn’t stop him from forming one close relationship - with his mentor and mother-figure Dr Khan - but this is clearly an exception to a rule.

Like many other autistic caricatures in fiction, Stephen is obsessed with facts and has a neurotic preoccupation with the truth. More bizarrely, he is physically incapable of telling a lie. Like, genuinely physically incapable. If forced to lie, he will literally begin uncontrollably stuttering out the truth as though under some bizarre curse.

Out of all the myths regarding us that exist in fiction, the one that says autistic people can’t lie is the one that completely baffles me. Autistic people can lie. I told a lie just yesterday; ‘I’m not drunk’. A claim I refuse to believe was at all undermined by the fact I was unable to walk straight at the time.

Some autistic people are, in fact, talented liars. Parents of kids with pathological demand avoidance will attest to this. Neurotypical writers keep returning to this cliché under the misguided belief it offers us a ‘virtuous’ quality; it doesn’t. It’s patronizing and dehumanizing; dismissing us as individuals with free will and turning us in to the helpless puppets of some ‘robotic’ internal wiring.

And this is the fundamental issue with Stephen’s character: his uncomfortable robotic quality.

Unusually for an autistic character, a great amount of effort has been put in to exploring how Stephen thinks and feels. But this is only to emphasize how fundamentally different he is from other human beings. Stephen doesn’t function like a human being, he functions like a computer. His machine-like mental processes are depicted frequently, and in tedious detail. He is not a character who exists for non-autistic readers to relate to. He is instead constructed to be as strange, as baffling and as dramatically different as possible. Not because this is how autistic people actually are, but because we apparently make much more interesting reading this way.

A lot of neurotypical readers are probably wondering why – outside of the blatant predjudice, loss of relatable representation and piss-poor, lazy characterisation - the ‘robotic’ stereotyping of autistic characters bothers me so much. And that’s because outside the realms of fiction, the dehumanization of autistic people has devastating repercussions. The most harrowing example being the all-too-frequent murders of autistic children at the hands of their parents, and the disturbingly sympathetic news coverage that follows them.

These reports follow a distinct formula. They paint a tragic picture of the murderer; their ‘hellish’ existence as the parent of an autistic child, the eventual ‘breakdown’ that drove them to commit this ‘desperate’ act. They will gloss over incriminating details like online-evidence suggesting the murder was being planned weeks in advance, or previous accusations of exploiting their child’s disabilities for money or attention. We will hear all about their ‘mental health problems’, their manslaughter plea, how ‘dedicated’ a parent they supposedly were prior to stabbing, drowning or – in one inconceivably horrific case – burning their own child to death.

The one person they say little about is the murdered child.

Unlike other young murder victims, we rarely see quotes from grieving relatives or teachers about how they were ‘a delight to teach’ or ‘a bubbly, affectionate little girl’. We don’t hear about how they - like other kids their age - loved cuddles and bath-time and watching Peppa Pig. We often don’t even get a photo.

Instead we are presented with yet another faceless autistic monster who has driven their parents to desperation.

It gives me no pleasure to detail these horrendous acts of violence. I know this segment must be deeply distressing for many of you to read; it was harrowing to research. I’ve not included it because I wish to upset you. I’ve included it because I want you to understand that the dehumanization of autistic people across the media - the depiction of us as emotionless, affectionless and not quite human - is a very, very dangerous thing.

At best, it robs of us our identities as sensitive human beings who experience life in diversely individual ways.

At worst it legitimizes the abuse we suffer; turning us in to the deserving recipients of our own victimization.

And indeed, the way Stephen is portrayed in The Boy on The Bridge is only one half of the problem. The other is how the rest of the cast treats him. Stephen isn’t just treated with dislike by the other members of his team, he’s treated with open contempt. He is nicknamed ‘The Robot’, a cruel moniker that is used so frequently you’d be forgiven for forgetting his actual name. He’s called ‘emotionally disturbed’, ‘an idiot’ and a ‘fucking retard’; the verbal punching bag for the frustrations of a terrified and disillusioned crew. When a panicked Stephen locks members of his team outside during an attack, this abuse boils over in to physical violence and he is viciously slammed against a wall.

There are two very important things to remember when we talk about how Stephen is treated by the other character in The Boy On The Bridge.

This is the abuse of a literal child at the hands of adults twice his age.

This is abuse of a child at the hands of characters readers are sympathize with. Characters who have their own chapters, voices, storylines. Characters readers are not meant to always necessarily like, but are expected to relate to.

We are expected as readers to empathize with fully grown adults victimizing an autistic child. The bullying, isolation and violence Stephen is subjected to by the rest of the cast is presented as cruel, but seemingly understandable.

Because Stephen is different, and that makes them uncomfortable. And that is the only defence they need.

I don’t want anyone to leave this post with the wrong impression; I’m not writing this because I don’t want to see autistic characters in fiction. I do, desperately so. I yearn for characters I can relate to, characters who represent my own experiences. Autistic characters who, like me, who have struggled with a life-time of misdiagnosis. Autistic characters who are told they ‘don’t look autistic’. Autistic characters that struggle with subtle, frequently misinterpreted difficulties which are constantly overlooked.

Autistic characters who represent the sum of our real experiences, not creative interpretations of how non-autistic writers imagine we ‘might’ function.

I don’t want to see yet another tiresome savant with intellectual abilities way outside of human limitations.

I don’t want to be represented by caricatures so cartoonishly exaggerated they are unreIatable to most autistic people, let alone neurotypical people.

I don’t want to see the abuse I have suffered legitimized through the myth that my supposed strangeness ‘drove’ my abusers to it.

I don’t want to be shown the world through the eyes of another emotionally-detached robot, and be told that this is how people like myself think and feel.

Those are not my eyes, that is not my story.

#autism #disability #actuallyautistic #disability in fiction #asd #aspergers syndrome

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