#JFCCCCC

[kingsmint]

Pissing and shitting myself holy fucking shit

[loxosceleslolo]

people aren't fucking in the Lands Between because sex has been phased out and replaced with Erdtree births.

they're not fucking much because they can't die properly, are living too long, and are wasting away from ennui.

Turtle Neck Meat, 1.0 (fromsoft should never have changed this):

A splendid, lengthy cut of turtle neck meat.

Material used for crafting items.

Turtle meat is said to boost virility, but none in the Lands Between seem to have much appetite for it these days.

In the Lands Between, the urge to reproduce has waned long ago.

Melina straight up says that births continue. She is not talking about people growing from the Erdtree like fruit.

The sexual subtext for Fia and the Mohgwyn Dynasty is practically text! (what Mogh was doing with Miquella especially)

[twistedappletree]

picked different choices on my second run during the first hansry divorce just to see what they were (i stuck with the ‘let’s stop arguing’ choices before) and omfg Henry gets MEAN AS SHIT

[srrybabe]

is a higher power trying to push SF off the map how is there another tsunami warning there

[benetnvsch]

taking ethics classes are fucking awful cuz there's always that one person whose like "what if :) eugenics :) is actually good :)?"

[swagyna]

omg this havarti cheese is fucking good. i wanna eat the whole block. someone stop me.

[heidiamalia]

jfc we still have 5 episodes left. oh fuck.

[depraved-gf]

It gets really annoying seeing people steal my posts and get hella notes lmao

BE YOUR OWN FREAK, YA BORING WALNUT

QUIT STEALIN MY SHIT 🔪

[party-lemon]

not to be heterosexual, but nick miller is so hot dude

[chiisana-lion]

CAN THIS GUY IN THE BACK ROW SHUT THE FUCK UP

[neutron-stars-collision]

Me @ FB: I’m not sure that I need all those “Is Eddie coming back?” articles for me to become fully delusional. Please stop

[onceuponapuffin]

Speechless.

My illustration for the Good Omens Minisode Minibang 2024. It was so much fun to participate (my first time doing a minibang XD)!

I was lucky enough to get a fabulous fic set on the night of the burning of the Great Library of Alexandria (long hair Crowley, my beloved!😍❤️), by rainbow_salt.

Please do check it out if you're interested!

@go-minisode-minibang

[taecnoal]

i am so full of rage rn the angel in me is losing so bad

[0deathpainting0]

first date

choso x f!reader

summary: yuji helps choso get a date with you before choso deletes the dating app

warnings: fluff that made me want to bite a brick x and some swear words

a/n: prob the softest shit i’ve ever written 

w/c: 2.2k

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“Dude the point is to actually talk to girls.” Yuji watches as Choso swipes past every girl on his screen. 

“I’m looking.” he mumbles. 

“Barely.” Yuji groans. “I can’t even tell their hair color before you swipe..” he rolls his eyes. 

“I don’t need your help to look.” he goes to swipe and stops his thumb. 

“Finally!” he watches as Choso actually taps to the next picture and then the next. “You like herrrr.” he shakes Choso’s shoulders. 

“Get off, you’re an idiot.” he glares at him. Yuji snatches his phone and Choso’s eyes widen. “Stop.” he lunges at him. 

“Just tryna like her for you.” Yuji pushes Choso back while he swipes up, using a super like. “Ohhh it’s a match.” he shows him the screen. 

“Why’d you use a super like?” he groans, wiping his face. 

“Doesn’t matter, it's a match.” he grins. “What should I say?” 

“Nothing.” Choso’s eyes go wide. “Delete the app. I don’t want to do this anymore.” he goes to snatch his phone back but Yuji is across the room already typing furiously before Choso can take the phone back. 

choso: heyyy wanna go out?

“Are you serious?” Choso stares down at his phone. “Why did you use so many ‘y’s?” he exits the app and goes to delete it but a ding comes from his phone. 

“Did she respond?” Yuji gasps. 

“I don’t know.” 

“Check.” Yuji nods with a smile. 

“No. I’m deleting it.” he narrows his eyes but his thumb hovers over the app debating on opening it. 

“Lemme see.” he grabs the phone again and Choso groans watching Yuji type. He collapses back on the couch giving up for the moment deciding to read the conversation when he’s done. 

you: when?

choso: tonight?

you: really? 

choso: yeah or i’ll get too nervous and back out 

Yuji giggles as he sees the bubbles appear and disappear. Choso sinks deeper into the couch wanting to just be swallowed whole by it. 

you: same so meet in an hour then? before we both have time to back out?

choso: yeah fs meet me at the restaurant on the corner of main and 3rd

you: okie

“Go get ready, you have to meet her downtown in an hour.” Yuji tosses Choso his phone back.

“What? No. Dude no. Are you joking?” Choso groans, opening his phone and going through the messages. 

“Go get ready.” he starts to walk to Choso’s room. “Let’s go.” 

“Fuck.” he softly curses before pulling himself off the couch. “I hate you.” he mumbles as he sees Yuji pulling out different things from his closet. 

“Wear this shirt.” Yuji tosses him a shirt. 

“I can dress myself.” Choso grumbles, pulling off his hoodie. 

“Just put it on and fix your hair.” he waves him off. “Dude literally all of your clothes are black.” 

“And?” he walks into his bathroom and starts to tighten the ties in his hair. “Why do I have to do this?” he looks at himself in the mirror. 

“Cause you’ve never been on a date and you’re like super old.” Yuji pops his head in and pushes a pair of pants into his hands. 

“I don’t know what to say to her. Am I supposed to bring something?” he starts to think about everything that could possibly go wrong. 

“This is just getting to know each other. Go in with no expectations and you’ll be good.” Yuji says from the other side of the door as he finishes changing. “But pay for dinner.” he nods to him when he steps out. “And compliment her.”

“I don’t know if I should do this.” Choso sighs. “What if she doesn’t even show up?” 

“Then get food to go and we’ll hang out and eat.” Yuji shrugs. “She’ll be missin out though..” Choso glares at his grin knowing that- “Cause you look so cute! Ohh don’t start pouting Cho, it makes you even cuter.” 

“Are you done?” he blinks at his brother. 

“Yeah cause you gotta go.” he nods to the door. “Remember compliments and pay for dinner.” he opens the front door for him. 

Choso sighs and walks out the door. He looks up at the setting sun and starts the short walk trying not to overthink. Of course then his mind races with everything that could go wrong. You were gorgeous in your pictures. Your smile, your eyes. He shakes his head not knowing if he’ll be able to handle seeing you in person but he’s almost desperate to. He quickens his pace not wanting to be late in the off chance that you’ll actually grace him with your presence.

After a couple more blocks the restaurant is finally coming into view and he can’t get a handle on his nerves. Is he supposed to wait outside for you? Check if you’re already inside? Maybe he should message you. Or Yuji. He doesn’t know what to do and now he’s stopping under the restaurant sign. He takes a deep breath and walks to the bench across from the front doors to collect himself. 

“Choso?” he turns his head and has to remind his knees to hold himself up. He stares at you and you tilt your head. “Or?” your brows furrow. 

“It’s me, yeah.” he clears his throat. “Hi.” he continues to stare at you. 

“Are you okay?” you blink up at him hoping he’s not upset with the way you look. 

“Yeah.” he shakes his head. “Sorry, you’re just so.. Beautiful.” the blush that spreads across your cheeks has his knees weakening once more. 

“Thank you.” you chew your lip. 

“Do you wanna get some food?” he nods to the restaurant behind you. 

“I would like that.” you offer him a small smile. 

He walks to the doors and opens one for you and you offer him a whispered thanks. You’re both led to a table and offered menus which you both look at as if there will be a test on them. Every time he glances at you he’s thankful he’s sitting down and flicks his eyes back to the menu. You peek at him from over your menu and try not to swoon at how perfect he is. A perfect mix of cute and devastatingly attractive. He looks up and finds you staring at him before your eyes widen and you look down at your menu. 

“I’m sorry.. I’m bad at conversation and..” he can’t even look at you but he can feel your eyes on him. “I dunno if I’m supposed to tell you that I’ve never been on a date but like I haven’t and..” he clamps his mouth shut to stop his nervous ramblings. 

“Me neither.” you whisper and his eyes snap up to you. 

“Really?” he feels his shoulders relax a bit. 

“Guys don’t really like to go on dates anymore.” you mumble and he tilts his head. “Everyone just wants to hook up.” you look back down at the menu. 

“I don’t want to hook up with you.” you flush deeper at his words. “Well I..” he groans at his stupidity. “I wanna take you on dates first.” you feel like your heart is going to beat out of your chest at his words. “I’m sorry, I should stop talking.” he shakes his head. 

“No, it’s okay.” you nod. “I’m nervous too.” you offer him a smile when his eyes meet yours. 

“Is there something I should be doing better?” you shake your head quickly. 

“No. I think you’ve been very kind.” he feels relief at your words. You both fall into a silence once more but it’s more relaxed. You place your orders and look at each other now that the menus have been taken. “Tell me about yourself.” you watch his eyes widen slightly. 

“I just live with my younger brother.” he shrugs. “Video games, reading, tv..” he internally groans at how pathetic he sounds. “I’m sorry if that’s lame.” 

“You don’t have to keep apologizing.” you watch his cheeks faintly flush. 

“Well I feel like I’m doing really bad.” he fidgets with his fingers. 

“You’re not.” the smile on your face reassures him all the more. 

“Thank you.” he offers you a small smile that makes yours widen.

The food is brought out and you both begin to eat. You can’t believe how sweet he is and you find it absolutely adorable at how shy he is. Every time you glance at him you find him already looking before he quickly averts his eyes. He’s positive you’re the most perfect girl he’s ever met and he wants to know more about you but he’s terrified to ask. He looks up at you and finds you waiting with a smile and he looks away again. 

“So what made you decide you needed to have your first date tonight?” he looks up from his food at your question. 

“My brother kinda forced me.” he furrows his brows when your face slightly falls. “You were the first girl I looked at. Like actually? I don’t..” he shakes his head mad that he ever opened his mouth and thought he could speak to you. “You’re just so pretty. I didn’t even think you would show up..” you watch as his cheeks flush again. 

“I didn’t think you would show up either to be honest.” his face scrunches at your words. 

“I would be stupid to not show up.” he shakes his head. “Though I think I’m stupid for showing up too. I keep saying stupid things.” he sighs, looking down at his food once more. 

“I think it’s kinda cute.” his eyes snap up to yours and you watch a blush bloom across his face. 

“You don’t have to say that I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to say something. You can think I’m stupid if you want. Fuck.” he whispers the last word. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Why does he keep talking?

“I think you’re cute.” you nod and his eyes widen. 

“Well I think you’re cuter.” he swears his heart stops at your giggle. 

The conversation for the rest of your meal is light and surprisingly flows well. He was finally able to relax and not over think everything he said. He paid the bill as Yuji instructed and was rewarded with your smile once more. He leads you out of the restaurant and you both stand there lingering and not sure what to do next. 

“I um.. I could walk you home?” he tilts his head and scratches his neck. “In like a friendly way of course.” he nods. “Or is that too much? But it’s late and I would like to walk you home so you’re at least safe.” he clears his throat. 

“I would like it if you walked me home.” you nod. “And maybe fumble your words for another five minutes about how we should hold hands to be even safer.” you chuckle watching his cheeks tint.

“You wanna hold my hand?” he searches your eyes. 

“Yeah.” you nod and slip your hand into his. “This way.” you squeeze his hand and start to lead him in the direction of your place. 

“So can we go on a second date?” he glances down at you. 

“Yeah, that comes after the first.” you smile up at him. 

“So you didn’t think I was too stupid?” he watches you roll your eyes. 

“I did,” his brows furrow. “But your cuteness outweighs it.” you give his hand a squeeze. As you round the next corner you start to frown seeing your building. You slowly come to a stop and turn to him. “Thank you for the walk home.” he nods quickly. 

“Of course, thank you for letting me.” he tries not to think about how you’re still holding onto his hand. 

“Message me when you get home. I want to know you’re safe too.” your soft voice takes his words away and he just nods. 

“I will.” he tries not to pout when you finally take your hand back.

“Thank you for dinner, Choso.” you internally groan at how his pout makes him even cuter.

“Of course.” he nods. “Have a good night.” he smiles as you offer him a small wave before walking into your building. 

He replays the entire date over from start to finish the entire walk home. Your perfect smile and when it was paired with your giggle he’s sure he could die on site. You were so sweet and he thought he ruined the date at least ten different times but you kept reassuring him. He can’t wait to tell Yuji and thank him for actually making him do this. Then he gets to message you and set up another date. He can’t wipe the smile from his face when he enters the front door. 

“How’d it go?” Yuji jumps up from the couch and waits with a grin. Choso goes through the entire night down to every last detail and ends with him walking you home. “So did you kiss her?” Choso’s eyes get wide.

“No but I held her hand.” he nods with a smile. 

“That’s sweet dude,” he’s genuinely happy for his brother. “Well you go message her this time. Mm,” he hums, getting Choso’s attention again. “Try to get her number so it feels more real than an app.” he nods. 

“Thank you,” Choso nods back at him. “I guess I owe you dinner.” he turns and closes himself into his room for the night. 

choso: i’m home 

choso: thank you for going out w me 

choso: can i have your number? 

choso: the app is good too whatever you prefer

choso: i’m sorry im being stupid again 

you: *number sent*

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                                      masterlist

the cuteness aggression w this fic was real fr

part 2

[maxghoulfield]

therapist: "...and are you only gentle with yourself when you're trying to self soothe after punishing yourself for mistakes?"

me:

[whatthefishh]

CARO IM SCREAMING THIS WAS SO FILTHY DONT YOU dare SAY ITS NOT YOUR BEST WORK OH MY GODDDDDSSSD

Msksoxlslsxmwkisjs

YOU WHORE (AFFECTIONATE) THISMXLALSLSN

!!!!! Brain empty

college!au with miguel omg, hear me out. him slipping into your dorm late at night to help you study—he promised promised promised. but unfortunately, the books and papers are scattered on the floor, the only thing that could be heard in the room are your soft whimpers, his low grunts, and your bed frantically squeaking <3

Thank you for the request! I love this ask sm <3 Not my best work but I hope you like it!

NSFW below the cut

...

"Shhh," Miguel cooed, buried balls deep in your cunt, "she's gonna hear us." 

Too late. Your roommate was sure to give you an earful in the morning.

You were well past the stage of keeping quiet, your whines and mewls erupting from you as soon as Miguel slithered into your dorm around midnight with the guise of "studying." 

Your biochem textbook and endless notes were scattered across your floor,—pens and highlighters decorating your carpet when Miguel swiped them off your cheap spring bed, promising to help you study as soon as he got just a little taste of you.

Well, that was an hour and a half ago and he got much more than just a taste. You both had a midterm in two days, and all he'd done was make you come on his cock twice since he’d arrived. You'd doubted that'd be on the exam.

"M-Miguel," you moaned, tossing your head back against your pillow, your pussy throbbing as he gave a particularly hard thrust, "I-I can't anymore."

"Course you can," he breathed, pressing a kiss to your lips, swallowing the noises bubbling out of you, "just one more," he promised, "just one more and we can study for however long you want, hm? How does that sound?" 

Miguel and his stupid promises.

He was slamming into you now, holding your trembling thighs, finding the sweet spot that you so desperately craved. Your bed shook, the wooden headboard banging against the wall with every snap of his hips.

Your body seized, cunt clamping down on his cock and Miguel grunted, slowing down his movements.

"Fuck," he groaned, "you're about to cum, aren't you?" 

You didn't answer, caught in a euphoric state when his cock slammed into you just right. You sobbed, clawing at whatever you could get your hands on—your old bed sheets, a loose piece of paper under you, Miguel's toned arms. Your nails sunk into his flesh, raking down, sending him down his own euphoric path. 

He groaned loudly when he came, burying his face in your neck as he rode his high, emptying his load inside you. He pulled out a few seconds later, his lidded eyes watching his come trickle out of you and onto your sheets.

You sighed at the sensation, letting your fingers trace over your swollen pussy, your digits swirling through his spend.

Miguel always made you feel good, there was no doubt about that, but you needed to seriously start studying.

He pushed you down gently against the mattress when you tried to move, gripping his cock and slapping it over your sensitive lips.

“Miguel!” You squealed, too weak to thrash against his hold, “We need to study!” He grinned, lowering himself over you to pepper your face with kisses before sliding his length into your wet channel with ease.

“We will,” he tried to persuade you, groaning at your tight heat, “just gimme one more, and we can study, I promise.”