#J O K E
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curry-and-gunpowder · 9 months ago
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Dazai "everyone's project" Osamu
(Plz don't @ me with any suggestions or "corrections", thank you.)
Edit: holy shit this blew up way more than I ever imagined lol. Thank you to all who reblog, your tags are everything ❤️
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I hate to say it but Thanos was right after all, I would wipe out half the universe to impress zombie Aubrey Plaza too 😔
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eemmoorrii · 1 year ago
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headbutts your ankle (✿◕_◕✿)(✿>_<✿)(✿◕_◕✿)(✿>_<✿)(✿◕_◕✿)(✿◕_◕✿)
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luckysheikah · 2 years ago
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oh, so when Randall "The Masked Gentleman" Ascot buries a whole city in sand, probably killing people, because he's mad people moved on after his death and wants revenge, then it is fine. but when I, Clive Dove-
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wickedwanchii · 11 months ago
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How do you improve so fast??! When i saw your last post i thought it was someone else at first 😧💕
Great job tho‼️👏
I honestly wish I had an idea so I could keep doing whatever im doing on purpose 😭
But thank you !!
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angeltism · 8 months ago
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next person to send me a homophobic dog is getting a 10k work call out post on my tumblr dot com account tsk tsk
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helios-gold · 6 months ago
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Percy is a tradwife
Tired of “oh Percy would be a marine biologist” “oh Percy would be a teacher” that man is a stay at home dad. And I mean that.
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iamnotbright · 10 months ago
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I got the wrong sized knitting needles should I kms
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actressposts · 1 month ago
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uwhe-arts · 10 months ago
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calm down . . . | uwhe-arts
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nonnieapple · 23 days ago
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Afk journey, Sinbad, trans male/gender neutral reader, nsfw fanfiction. (I love this man very much)🤍
⛈️☂️Hook, Line, and Sinker☂️⛈️
• (Sinbad x trans!male!Reader)
• r a t i n g: e x p l i c i t • 4 1 4 0 w o r d s
• p o s t e d: 01.11.2024🌧️ navigation
n o t e: sinbad is so hot, i wish men were real :( s u m m a r y: sinbad walks in at the worst possible time, and the following events complicate your relationship further.
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It was nearing night, and the hamsters were fast asleep as well as most guests of the inn. 
  When Sinbad walked into your room, you were staring out of the window with a wistful look, like the look his mothers had when they gazed out at the sea, remembering their husbands, lost forever to the fog and unrelenting waves. He wondered who you longed after, if anyone. Maybe you longed for home. Or for something he couldn't possibly imagine. 
  Before he closed the door, you broke the silence. 
  "You dare disturb my rest?"
  Even turned away, you heard him. Your voice sent tingles up his leg. The room veered towards cold, the windows open, making the curtains flutter like sails. 
  "You're really living it up in here," Sinbad remarked, inviting himself to sit down on the fancy armchair flanked by another and a couch in the west of your room. 
  He hadn't ever been in it yet, and he was sure you wouldn't mind if he just sprawled out a little, he stretched, his boots hitting the leg of the short table. Lit candles sitting upon golden thrones flickered on it. Two glasses and a bottle were there as well. 
  "As I should, I was to have a vacation, and I'm still getting it, Cedartown or not." You made your way to the couch, your visage somewhat blurry from all the glamour swallowing up your form, the air around you swaying. 
  If he looked at you too long, he could see something was terribly wrong. It was not something anyone could notice at first, or at second sight, only those looking for it might begin to pull at the thread. He stopped examining you. He wasn't sure what he'd find. 
  You were like the fog that had almost killed him- leading him in mental circles until he went mad trying to get himself out of it. 
  Sinbad's leg jerked when you approached. You stood, close, your robe made of small, black, and knitted net. It should've revealed everything you wore under it- instead, everything around your chest and hips darkened and blurred. 
  The magic that wafted off you made his head spin. Or maybe it was that he drank too much. Sinbad sighed shakily as you ghosted your touch over his face, your eyes sharp and inhuman. The next second, they turned warm. 
  "Did you drink that swill again? Here, drink something good for once." 
  He barely caught the bottle you threw into his arms, and he thought, somewhat incredulously, You're too kind.
  But, really, Magister- I don't know what to think of you. One second you wanna kill me and the next you're my savior. 
  I'll never know who you are, will I?
  His eyes skimmed over the label. Dark liquid sloshed within darker green walls. "Woah! Fancy stuff. It's actually red."
  The wine he was used to at most establishments was pale, watered down to save costs. You shrugged. You must've been used to good wine, good food, good people. He envied you. 
  "It's from an... old friend."
  The way you said that with so much hesitance made his heart drop. 
  "They must be rich."
  Sinbad popped open the bottle and poured himself some. He might as well indulge, and your room was a good place to do that. Upon second thought it might be questionable. 
  He had to hold back on drinking. He couldn't afford to do something stupid.
  "Beyond that, and a massive drunkard I could never deny, but as I don't drink I have no use for his gifts." You took up the whole couch, propping up your head with a hand, the other playing idly with the belt of your delicate robe. 
  If he was to be mean, he'd liken you to a fish caught in a net, but he couldn't lie, you were more of a siren. 
  You hummed.
  "I guess I could have a glass."
  You poured yourself nearly half the bottle, and swallowed a third of the glass, drinking like a fish. He struggled not to gawk at you. 
  "Old friend... bet you have plenty of those. Not like it bothers me," he tacked on at the end, scratching at his scalp lightly. 
  The fireplace crackled and sputtered red. Strange, it gave off no warmth. Was it magic? Sheesh, what about you wasn't magic? 
  The rug beneath his boots was sure real, and a real good rug, too. If he were to get piss drunk he'd choose the rug over the street to pass out on. Oh, there were even pillows on the floor. Perfect. 
  "I mean it. We were friends, he isn't an old flame- as far as I know."
  As far as you knew?
  "You sure about that?" He raised a brow. 
  "Quite. Though one actual old flame, I wonder how she's doing. It's been a while, I last saw her in Holistone, it has been months since then. Damn Hogan for sending me on this "vacation", now I'm stuck in the middle of the sea with no idea when I'll see him or Valen. He should've gone with me."
  Pushing aside his slight offense at the Rustport slander, you had mentioned General Hogan and Valen a few times. One was a Magistrate and, guess what, General of Holistone, the other some swashbuckling knight who, as he understood it, was hitting on you. 
  "Well, I'm glad he didn't."
  "Hm? Why is that?" You smirked, your eyes glimmering like the wine you swished in your hand.
  If Sinbad was pale, you would've seen his face lose color in an instant. 
  "I mean- I meant- he would've drowned in his armor, is all! It would've been worse than what happened to Chippy." 
  He drank quickly so he couldn't see your gloating expression.
  "You're holding your glass like you're throttling a neck." 
  Even if he drank and drank, he still heard your voice, and if he plugged his ears, you'd get into his mind, too. 
  He couldn't tell if that was a way to hint at his discomfort or point out his terrible manners. 
  "I'm not much of a wine drinker."
  You, on the other hand, held your glass between your thumb and forefinger ever so lightly. That fucking hand was calling him poor just at a glance. 
  "This better?" He emulated the way you did it, though it was nowhere near as graceful. 
  "Much better. The wine compliments your shirt." 
  The red, satin shirt, an illusion you cast, felt good nonetheless, and the wine was divine. It was bright, just sweet enough, and with a hint of berries and zest. It tasted more like the few fruits he had tried than the usual- as you put it- "swill" he drank. 
  It settled warmly in his chest, with the occasional sour tingle in his cheeks. 
  Sinbad didn't want to leave your room. It was fancy, and more importantly, it had wine AND you. 
  "How've you been?" You said between sips, your expression softening. 
  "Good. I've been spending a lot of time poking around the ship, avoiding going to Brineville so I don't have to explain myself. Things are better than before I met ya, anyway, I can finally do what I want, and... everything's so calm." 
  It was strange to not have to think about every little expense anymore for the village now that no one threatened its safety, and he was essentially a "hero". Sure, he still had to make money somehow and Rustport was as rusty as ever, but so much had been lifted off his shoulders. 
  By you, no less. 
  He'd said he'd repay you. That nagged at his mind sometimes. What could you possibly want? 
  It was nothing to worry about. It wouldn't be worse than what he had gone through. 
  "Planning on leaving soon?" 
  If he wasn't mistaken, he saw you frown ever so slightly. 
  "Not yet. I've got a lot to do here before I leave. What about you?" 
  You threw back your head and let your hair spill over the edge of the couch. 
  "You know, been here and there, helping people as I do, went fishing with my familiars. I like helping people and spending time with them but I do need alone time." 
  That was why the hamsters were in another room. Sinbad had to admit, they were cute and had grown on him. You truly were the most precious thing he had ever found washed up on the beach. He'd be no one without you. 
  "Are you leaving soon?" 
  You shook your head. "I want to stay a bit longer, until you leave, I suppose. I won't have much to do then. I'm dealing with people's problems rather quickly." 
  Of course, you weren't staying only for him. You were busy. 
  "I'm glad you're staying a bit longer." He couldn't imagine being without you now. You were the closest friend he'd had. Everyone wanted something from him, and you had asked for the least, always generous, if quirky. 
  You smiled, returning his giddy expression, which he hadn't noticed himself pull. 
  He felt his face get warmer. Must've been all the wine. 
  He and you listened to the crackling of the fire, finishing your glasses. You lounged like a cat. You were the image of peace when you closed your eyes. He rolled up his sleeves, feeling somewhat hot all of a sudden. He waited for you to kick him out, it'd happen sooner or later.
  You watched from under your lashes. 
  "I was surprised that you had tattoos, though they are common here," you said. 
  He had helm tattoos on each forearm. "Funny story, I got them when I was drunk, like, extremely. I don't remember where or how exactly I got them." At least they healed fine and he had not felt much pain. He hadn't felt much at all.
  "They suit you well." Your eyes lingered for a while. 
  "I have more that you haven't seen." He smirked, putting on that smooth-talking persona again. 
  "Although tempting, you won't smooth-talk me, Sinbad," you said sternly. 
  He sighed. A guy had to try. You were so damn hard to scam and trick, it was annoying. You were one of the only people immune to his charms. You were looking at him like he was a helpless animal. Again. 
  Instead of words of pity, he was hit with: 
  "You look upset. Mope in another room, I'm exhausted," you said, yawning and turning away from him unceremoniously. 
  He left with a huff. 
  "Good night to you too, Magister Merlin." 
  ...
  "Good night." 
  He should've been asleep.
  Sinbad crept across the hall towards your newly luxurious room, careful not to make a sound, like he was escaping from a dungeon (like he had many times). 
  Sinbad cracked open your door. Strange, he left it unlocked, he thought. The room was dark and silent except for the sounds of the breeze coming in through the windows, like breaths.
  You seemed to be asleep, as far as he could tell. He was sure he had heard something from your room. Maybe it had been the wind.
  "Magister?" he said into the black, closing the door behind himself. It was not entirely dark, he noticed as he moved towards your canopy bed, as there was a lone candle burning close to the window. 
  The fireplace had no remains of smoldering wood. 
  The windows- they were closed shut. The sound was not from there. Had it been the draft instead? If this was how noisy the good rooms were, he'd go complain to Bols later. 
  Sinbad pushed past the closed curtains of the canopy bed, the fabric heavy and lush, a velvet he hadn't even dreamed of touching before, with much trepidation, his heart tense, ready for a beast to lunge at him any moment. 
  He didn't see what happened, it happened swiftly, the shape in the bed shifting loudly. The sound of the breeze halted. 
  "Ah, Sinbad. I was just thinking of you," you said, and it was undeniably you, your voice quiet yet clear, a little exasperated, your breathing so shallow he would've believed you if you said you had run around the whole of Rustport in a minute. 
  He would've believed you if you hadn't been in your bed all this time.
  "Why aren't you asleep?" he stammered with wide eyes, gaze lost as he adjusted, making out your fuzzy shape. It was leaner than usual. He sensed none of your usual glamours on you.
  "I could ask the same of you." 
  He leaned his knee on the bed, and you moved away. 
  "Some noise woke me up, and I thought it came from your room. Was I right?" He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, seeing that you lay rigid and didn't want him to come near you. To him, it seemed that something had happened, and you were uncooperative as to what. 
  One of his jobs was to get information. Clearly, he wasn't much good at it with you around. 
  "Did something happen, Magister? You're worrying me." His brows lowered over his honey-brown eyes. 
  "You didn't knock. You should leave my room." The light brightened against your face. Your skin was dewy and your hair was disheveled, the bedsheets in disarray. You were a mess. 
  The Merlin, a mess? 
  "I did know- and- you can't kick me out again!" He leaned over you as you leaned against cushiony pillows.
  You pushed on his chest to get him away, your hand hot and humid. 
  "... Are you dense or what?" you snapped. "What do you think I'm doing in a dark room, alone, in my bed, gasping for air?" 
  His face transitioned from bewilderment to horror. 
  Oooh.
  Embarrassment hit him like a wave. Holy Tritonus, he had heard you moaning. In this case, he was dense beyond belief. And the reason you were recoiling wasn't because something was wrong, it was, because, well. He chose the worst possible time to intrude. 
  And the reason your frame seemed leaner now was because you had no glamours concealing your body indeed, and no clothes besides that robe. He could see your bare skin between the fabric you held together with a tense hand. 
  He had trouble not looking. And it wasn't the wine, that had long left his system. 
  "Shit, I... I didn't..."
  He had no excuse, and so close to you, caging you in, neither of you could escape, captured in the world's most awkward stalemate. The words drowned in the depths of his mind.
  "You said you were thinking about me earlier. Do you mean...?" he trailed off, his voice mumbling and strained. Everything felt like a dream. He'd pinch himself if he wasn't frozen. 
  "I left the door open for you. I didn't expect you to come." 
  Sinbad's breathing had accelerated. He had already had thoughts about you. He couldn't possibly resist anything you asked him to do. That hint of servitude remained in him, and he was all eager to please. 
  "I'm here." He tried to smile, but it came out rather strained. 
  You pulled him in by tangling your hands in his freshly dried hair. Your lips were one push away. 
  He had already gotten ready for bed- his skin infused with whatever fancy soaps he managed to snatch this time. It mixed with that woody scent of a faraway home that clung to you no matter how many times you got drenched with rain or seawater. 
  "So?" 
  He felt your every breath. Berries. 
  "So..."
  You kissed him first. 
  You were far from a reserved, shy mage. You nipped at his lip and broke the kiss just to piss him off. 
  He cursed like the sailor he was. Next thing he knew, his boots were lost in the dark along with his scarf (it felt like sacrilege to wear it during this), his shirt untucked and partially unbuttoned by your nimble fingers. You traced over the anchor tattoo between his collarbone and shoulder. 
  That wasn't how he expected you to find it. 
  Your hips were fuller than they appeared, filling him with thoughts he couldn't possibly speak, and your waist was small, perfect for holding when he-
  Your chest wasn't quite... flat. That made him stop. His silent question hung in the air. 
  "I'm trans," you said, amused at how he was surprised by you again and again. You had hidden your chest to a point where he couldn't have guessed. 
  He had never been with someone like you (in any sense), but he didn't mind. 
  Your chest was soft, each breast perfectly fitting into his hand. At each caress and pull you reacted accordingly. It was his turn to be amused, and he was enjoying it immensely. 
  Your face and voice did not falter, the only thing betraying your feelings being your shallow breathing. Would your breaking point be easy to reach, or would he reach his first? 
  Goosebumps raised on your thighs when he felt them up with his calloused fingers. Only the richest of the rich could have pristine hands in Rustport. Sinbad spread your legs with little resistance from you, his hand wrapping around most of your thighs' circumference. 
  His hand dipped between your legs. You were wet, the wetness covering parts of your inner thighs. The hotness ignited a fever in him, a fever he hadn't felt in a long time, and never so strongly. Most of his prior fucks were hookups, and sometimes, to get out of uncomfortable situations in his jobs. They didn't happen often and he hardly looked forward to them. With you, he could hardly stop his hands and other body parts of his from thrusting right into you. You were by far the hottest guy he'd been with.
  At the rough touch on your clit you jolted with a soft sigh, your legs closing on instinct, but they were stopped by Sinbad being in the way. 
  The thought crossed his mind that you were surrounded by others from all sides, and at any second, anyone could walk in. He didn't mind- he liked a bit of danger. 
  "How are you feeling?" he whispered close to your ear, hand exploring all the places that could feel best for you. He would make sure you'd remember this as a positive memory, and even if you left and never saw him again, the scene would stick in your mind.
  "I've been better," you said with a shortness of breath, but impressively coherently.
  "Don't you think this is a bad time for jokes?" Would you still talk like that if he filled you up? Would your face still be so serene? 
  "It's a perfect time for-" he interrupted you as he slid his finger over your clit over and over again, making your legs tremble and your brows lower. He might've not been experienced, but he was a quick learner.
  After he got you to a point where you were panting and your pulse hammered relentlessly, he lowered his finger to your entrance, teasing it. You covered your mouth. A thin string, like fishing line, followed his hand as he withdrew. 
  Sinbad began with one finger, your tight walls even hotter than your wetness. Fuck. It felt amazing on his fingers. It might've made him cum instantly if he tried fucking you like that. 
  "Relax your muscles, there's no need to be tense," he said soothingly. 
  You visibly stopped straining and let him push his finger in fully. It circled your smooth cervix. You were pretty shallow inside. 
  He was clueless at that point, unsure of what to do for you. 
  "Curl your finger towards yourself."
  Now you were the one close to his ear, leaning on his shoulders so he could have better access and less lewd sounds would be heard. 
  When he curled it as you said, he felt a spongy tissue that gave way under his prodding. You bit into his shoulder with little regard for how much that shit hurt. It would leave a mark, or even better, a scar. Yay. One more to the arsenal. He would have a hard time explaining that one, as it was in a visible place between his neck and shoulder muscles. 
  He groaned at the pain, pulling you halfway onto him. One hand of his rubbed your clit, and the other, inside you. You must've been leaving a hickey judging by the slight tingle on his neck. It made him harder than he already was. 
  Feeling every little groove inside and outside you couldn't be replicated by just ramming his dick in, and he thanked you that you had made the choice, since he was unwise- in general. 
  "What would your love-struck Knight think, Magister?" He pressed his lips into your shoulder. Slim, but surprisingly muscled from carrying every situation you got into on your shoulders. 
  You'd look good on top of him. With other people, his mind veered into nonsense and mundane thoughts of what he'd have for breakfast. Right now all he could think about was you, you in every way, in every angle, his. Everyone was right- he was greedy. Just not about money. 
  "Getting fingered by someone you met, what, a month ago? If even that?" Sinbad smirked, making sure you saw his expression. You bit your lip and gazed at him like you were oh so woeful. Would you tell the Knight what you'd done tonight? He didn't care if you did or not, but if you did, Sinbad would've loved like to see his face. 
  "He'd be jealous, I bet," you stuttered out with each thrust and curl of his finger, and when he added a second, you were reduced to adorable huffs and sighs, far from the virtuous Magister Merlin out in Rustport streets, a man of class and poise. A man who was now gasping for air with Sinbad's fingers deep in his cunt.
  He kissed from the swell of your chest, up to your collarbones and neck. You were not a man, not a human, you were a dream, a fog a foolish sailor like him would lose himself in.
  Screw him trying to make you never forget him. He'd never forget you, as he fell for you hook, line, and sinker, a fish falling for bait. He would never find someone like you. Someone who so easily saw through his tricks and had him willingly serve. 
  He could do it every night, sneaking in, fucking you whichever way you wanted him to, and acting like nothing was afoot. 
  You got him. 
  He kept gently fingering you as you gasped in an orgasm, one quite notable, your body going soft against his, your skin sticky and heart pounding. 
   What he had done felt automatic, like his body wasn't entirely his, his rhythm mechanical in nature, following your every whim and whine. He had just gotten you off, willingly, giddily, even, and enjoyed it. 
  That had been a first for him. 
  The first thing you said to him once you regained your breath and composure was: "Go wash your hands." 
  What a sweet way to snap him out of it. 
  It was fortunate that you had a bathroom attached to your bedroom. He didn't feel keen on doing a walk of shame through the halls. 
  The mirror revealed to him how hard you'd bitten him, leaving not only a hefty tooth mark, but even a hickey, too high for his scarf to hide. He cursed you inside his mind. All things considered, it was expected to have him do whatever he wanted to you, not the other way around. If you told him to jump into the sea right this second he probably would've done it. A flush was blooming across his face, not too obvious, but there. 
  You were next in the bathroom, and when you returned, Sinbad was on your bed, grinning. He did not budge a muscle.
  "You're not kicking me out again, Magister. This handsome face needs its beauty sleep." 
  "I'll allow it," you said, tucking yourself in on the other side. Sinbad lay curled to take up as little space as possible. It wasn't exactly comfortable. You neared him, tugging his arms around your back, and you entwined under the thick blanket. 
  Hook, line, and sinker. 
  He didn't want the morning to arrive and so cruelly take you away. He'd savor every moment he had with you. For once in his life, he did not feel bound to you by duty, but by the call of his heart, similar to how he felt about the sea. Like the sea, you'd pull him in, and keep him wallowing in feelings so alien. 
  Did you know what you did to him? He didn't need you to. He just needed you close. 
  "Good night," he said. 
  "Seriously this time?" 
  "Seriously, I promise." 
  The lone candle flickered out.
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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 3 months ago
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In light of the announcement of Linkin Park’s new rape apologist Scientologist lead singer, I’ve come up with a cool idea: Replace the lead singer every four years with a new one to keep things fresh! Here’s my top picks for the next lead vocalist:
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he's a smiley kisser, remember?
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annimatour · 14 days ago
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cute anime girl Franco except he gender bended (the anime girl version UwU) wanna see anime girl of coyle next? more doodles and maybe some animated shorts of these bros will come soon MAYBE.
AND OBVISAILY ITS JUST A JOKE THANK YOU ok now iam done iam going to cry myself to sleep now bye
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nqueso-emergency · 3 days ago
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the difference is that you’re a random (beloved) cheese blog. you’re not a “professional” journalist account with your real name attached to your social media. Imagine going to ABC and saying HEY LOOK AT THIS CHEESE BLOG. How embarrassing! sjdjejejdh when these are also the ones who constantly call you fake too? mhm
I don’t know, I’d say IF (big if) they were going to look in to people it’d be.. oh I don’t know? Actual names that you could give them, and/or publications they work with. Not just “cheese blog on tumblr”. lmao
Look. If half the jury is lactose intolerant... I am fucked 😭
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shalomniscient · 1 month ago
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xilonen girl why is your constellation named the way it is. how are you going to have the panthera genus but ocelota as your species name. girl what is this. girl be so fr
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