#It was all my fault in the first place so this is just atonement | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

raven-at-the-writing-desk · 10 months

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(For your lovely rollo event.)

Rollo, how do you feel about children? Either just in general or perhaps.. if you would ever want to be a father in the future?

Like Fire, Hellfire.

“Children?”

He handled the word as though it were a skunk—innocent and harmless for now but primed to spray at the first hint of danger. A muscle in his face ticked. It was though he wished to shift into a different emotion but hadn't yet decided which one.

Handkerchief out, Rollo sucked in a breath through his teeth. The usual disgust or disapproval was not present in full force. Today, it was tempered by hesitance as he tip-toed around the subject.

"They have the capacity to be rambunctious. Like fire, difficult to tame. I’m not certain I can match their energy," he said vaguely. “The children in the City of Flowers are free-spirited, and that tends to result in acts of mischief. Whether their pranks and games disturb public peace depends on the time and place. I'm not fond of the instances when they do."

A slight grimace crossed his features. "There was once an incident when a boy blew hard into a magically charmed handkerchief, and the noise it produced startled the baker at the cafe I was frequenting. He had just pulled out a fresh batch of croissants from the oven. The croissants ended up all over the floor... What a waste of perfectly good food. The baker, too, was quite upset, as you can imagine."

"What happened to the boy?"

"Ah, him. He attempted to abscond from the scene of the crime. In his rush to escape, he paid no attention to his surroundings and collided with me." Rollo waved a hand. "The baker's rage was upon him in an instant. The boy was shaking like a leaf in the wind—he grasped onto my robes to keep himself upright.”

Rollo drew out a sigh that ended in a small smile. “I managed to smooth things over with the baker, though I also spoke with the boy and had him apologize. One must atone for one’s crimes—that lesson was surely instilled in him that day.”

"Aw, it was nice of you to step in and speak on behalf of the little guy." You found yourself smiling as well. Even though Rollo-san always has this stern air about him… "You really have a soft spot for kids, huh?”

His frown quickly returned. "No, I wouldn't say that. I was merely holding the boy accountable for his actions. Children can so easily be led astray without proper instruction and moral guidance. Who is to say he wouldn’t be a repeat offender if he was let off the hook?”

"Someone's in denial," you said in a teasing singsong. “It’s okay to confess that you’re good at taking care of kids, you know.”

“… I am not,” he insisted. “I am most content observing the children go about their simple days. I do not wish to take a larger part in their lives beyond that.”

A terrifying thought nipped at him from the dark crevices of his mind.

I don’t have a right to.

If his heart were a house, then a window had been thrown open, letting the outside in. A hole opened in the dark, and incriminating light rushed to fill it.

A flower of pain blossomed in his chest, its thorns driving deep into his flesh. The blood that rose to the surface was both hot and cold. Burning scorn, icy remorse.

A deadly duo.

Spiraling.

I wasn't able to protect the one that mattered most of all. My magic came too late. I'm in no position to be a big brother, let alone a father, a grandfather, an uncle, a guardian of any sort…!

I’m not worthy.

Rollo gritted his teeth. His soul ablaze, his mind jumbled with emotions running high. He pushed back with teeth and nails.

It’s not my fault. I’m not to blame!! The one who cast this flame is…!

“Rollo-san?”

You were staring at him, concern seeping into your eyes. Curiosity, too, had bloomed there. It was the same sort of expression one makes at a a stray on the side of the road. Sorry for it, but uncertain about drawing near to check its condition.

He gasped—realizing he had been making a most frightening face. Rearranging his features back into some semblance of calm, he cleared his throat.

“… Suffice to say, it is impossible in this current state of affairs for any child to grow up safe and free of sin. Around every bend and corner, there is temptation of magic calling out to them. How cruel!” he lamented pityingly. “The poor things, like lambs led to the slaughter.”

You shuddered at the gruesome image—human children like lambs.

Poor things, echoed your head. Poor Rollo, echoed your heart, thinking such things.

“Until I can bring about that magic-free world into fruition, I cannot commit my efforts toward any other endeavors,” he concluded. “A world without all the pain and suffering of this one… I intend to see my goal through to the very end. That is my utmost priority.”

A fairer world for all.

For the children.

For him.

#twisted wonderland #twst #Rollo Flamme #twst x reader #Rollo Flamme x Reader #angst #spoilers #disney twisted wonderland #twst interactions #twisted wonderland interactions #Reader #self insert #Rollo at the Writing Desk

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dietmountaindewb8by · 2 years

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I have finally thought of something! Maybe. I don't know, it just occurred to me. So my idea is that the reader is human and considering how the fae like and enjoy belittling and degrading humans - Cardan included - it could reach a point where reader feels as though she can't do anything correctly. So she just kind of curls into herself and she just feels completely hopeless with everyday life. If it's set before Cardan is king and they're all still in school, then it could be a massive declining in her grades and when she has to eat lunch she just doesn't in fear of being judged for it. I guess Cardan will take advantage of that and make her completely dependant on him. So basically, he's the asshole for making her feel like that in the first place but then he "redeems" himself by claiming he'll look out for her and essentially just takes the reigns on her entire life. Hope you're alright!

hi!

warnings: i’m wicked tired so this might be incoherent; food; mentions of food; allusions to weight loss; bullying; cardan actually being cruel; controlling cardan; cardan kinda treating you like a baby in the end

THE WORLD IS OURS

It was no secret that you were intelligent. More than that. You could be considered a genius by faerie standards, never mind mortal ones.

But it was no secret that your special quality had left you a long time ago, much like the light in your eyes and the love you held for yourself and the world. Everything had become so bleak with the vile words that dripped from his tongue so easily, every sentence branding itself into your head disturbingly.

At night it was all you could think of. And then, you realized, that he was right. Cardan was right, the disgusting boy who could never seem to leave you alone no matter how much you showed him that you were not worth his time. He only fought harder when he heard that.

You saw him less and less now that you had stopped trying. You hid somewhere in the back when you were in school; you no longer ate with the rest of your peers, instead moving somewhere else to mull over your failure. The death of all things good about you.

Every thought turned sour. Every day became rotten.

And it was all your fault.

~*~

It was no secret that you were his.

He had made it abundantly clear from the beginning. You did not respond well to it, turning him away with the smug look that always sat on your face, the righteousness that always hung around you like a cloak. It was addicting.

You were addicting.

You were lovely and smart and beautiful and you knew it, too. But the air of superiority that he wanted to crack, just slightly to worm his way into your heart, had shattered. His weak, weak human. So fragile, like a flower plucked from the ground.

You no longer ate with them. You no longer studied with them. You no longer smiled or laughed or even cried. He pushed you to your limit–even farther, for you had broken long before. It hurt him more than you would know.

Only when he saw how hollow your cheeks had grown, how dull your eyes had gotten had he realized what he had done, the transgressions he had so carelessly committed. He slammed his door when he had gotten into the castle. He had snapped pens over papers in which he had started letters to you, papers which he had just written your name hundreds upon hundreds of times.

“My sweet angel,” he whispered, tracing the familiar letters of your name over again with his finger, blackened with ink. “I will not allow you to languish. I will atone for my sins just as you have for yours. I swear.”

~*~

You did not expect to see Cardan Greenbriar sitting on your picnic blanket with a basket, free of his usual posse, but not free of a scowl.

It was not a welcome sight.

“What are you doing?” you asked, looking down your nose at him, lying on his side, lounging in your sanctuary. While it was open, it was still yours. He would not take that too.

“What are you doing?”

“That–I’m sitting down. On my blanket. Yours is over there, Cardan.” Your eyebrows furrowed and your arms crossed defensively. He only smiled, ironically soft. You could not look angry if you tried. You were too tired, too weakened for a show of strength. You knew that better than anyone.

“Nicasia can keep it company. Have you eaten today, darling?” he asked, turning away from you, opening the basket. He put his hand inside, but turned to you before he could. He shrugged, his eyes widening comically. “Well? Sit down, won’t you? Lunch doesn’t last forever, dearest.”

You ignored the pet name, sitting down at his command. Ridiculous, you thought. It was your blanket.

“This is my blanket,” you said again. You mentally slapped yourself. Dumb. No wonder he thought you were dumb.

“I’m well aware of that. Now eat something, won’t you?”

“I’m not hungry.” You were. But you would not eat in front of him. You would not be compared to an animal again.

“I wasn’t asking.”

~*~

Cardan was suffocating. Once upon a time he had despised you. Now he was treating you like he would someone under his care.

At the beginning of the day, just before you left for school, he would be there, holding food and demanding you take his arm. Then, you two would share a blanket during your lessons. His arm would be around your waist and he would ask if you were too cold. Then you two would eat together. There would be more lessons, and then he’d walk you home. He’d leave you with a kiss on the forehead.

But he would not quite leave. Not really.

He would return later in the night. He would spend hours with you. He’d rub your back as you fell asleep. Sometimes, he’d even sleep with you, leaving you in the morning.

He was always there.

You had not known a moment without him. Not a moment without you being taken into his arms, being told that you were the most exquisite creature to roam the Earth, not a moment without his lips leaving your skin.

It needed to end.

~*~

“Cardan, why can’t you just hate me again! It’s suffocating! You despise me, what are you doing?!?”

The crown on his head was tilted, but it did not take away from the poise he oozed. He had given up drinking months before, becoming colder to the world. But he never seemed to not soften when you walked into the room, demanding you sit with him.

“Darling–”

“No. I’m not your darling. You need to stop, King Cardan.”

“You are really referring to me as king when you are queen?” He had stolen the crown that sat atop his head. He had killed off his brothers when they had threatened you. His father died and he had stolen that bloody, jeweled crown. “Stop this nonsense, dear, and sit with me. It’s getting late, and you’re not thinking straight.” He got up from his throne, swiftly moving toward you. He gathered you up in his arms, pressing his lips to the top of your head. “Come on, darling, you must be tired.”

“I am thinking straight.” You struggled in his hold to no avail. “My head is more than clear. You hate me. Go back to hating me. There are far too many reasons for you to hate me rather than treat me like this.”

“You deserve everything I offer you, sweetness. You deserve every ounce of affection I give you and more. The world will be yours whether you want it or not.”

“I don’t want it. I want to go home. Cardan, please–”

“You are home.” You were swept off your feet. “Now come on. We should go to sleep. It’s been a long day.”

#cardan greenbriar #cardan greenbriar x reader #cardan greenbriar x you #cardan x reader #cardan x you #dark cardan greenbriar #dark cardan #dark cardan x reader #dark cardan x you #tfota #the folk of the air #the cruel prince #the cruel prince x reader #tcp #tcp x reader #tcp x you

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licorice-and-rum · 3 months

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Your analysis focuses entirely on Snape being irredeemable because he never takes responsibility for the harm he does. Almost all of your quotes in evidence are from his childhood and teenage years, in which he is indeed blind to his own malevolence.

Except this is the whole point of his story of atonement. He was radicalised into walking down a very bad road, and then tried to claw his way out of it. He does eventually take responsibility - as an adult. He commits himself to a dangerous path of spying to defeat Voldemort. He can’t bring Lily back, he can’t undo his mistakes, but he can understand that he was wrong to join the Death Eaters and dedicate himself to a different cause. If he didn’t take responsibility for his choices, he would’ve spent his days mourning Lily on a beach in the Bahamas instead of willingly signing his own death warrant by joining Dumbledore to protect Harry.

Nobody - and I really do mean this - is beyond salvation. Nobody, even those who have sinned gravely, is beyond waking up one morning and choosing to be a tiny bit better than they were the day before, even if they remain imperfect. Its a fundamental part of humanity. It’s a very dangerous road for go down when you dehumanise young people who make terrible choices, write them off as fundamentally evil, and deny them the opportunity to take a different road. Snape remained bitter and cruel and perpetuated the cycle of abuse, but he did in one very vital respect choose a different road.

https://youtu.be/SSH5EY-W5oM?si=XBskWqOT2X0tl0Am

Okay, that's a valid point to be made, I did focus mainly on teenager Snape but only because I thought adult Snape would be obviously interpreted from that point on. The fact is adult Snape doesn't exactly atone for what he did and what he chose to become as much as it looks like he did, simply because his harmful ways didn't affect only Lily, to begin with.

Look, you're starting from a point where Snape's most serious mistake was to turn on Lily and forgetting what I said earlier on in the analysis: Snape's biggest fault wasn't his personal/individual issues, it was his political agenda and beliefs, and what he did in the name of that.

Fascism isn't only a political aspect, because to be a fascist, there's a series of prior beliefs one has to have to be okay with what fascist governments and political groups will do to stay in power. To be a fascist, to openly advocate for what Voldemort and his followers advocated for instead of just going with the flow (which was not what Snape did at all), you just don't "become radicalized" like there's no one to blame here but some notion of propaganda. To radicalize to fascism, you must seek out information about it, advocate for it, and have prior beliefs of superiority that allow you to relate to it in a deep, core level - all of which we already attributed to young Snape in my analysis.

Let's put it this way: fascism is capitalism's emergency button. It'll only arise when capitalism is in crisis, which we don't see in the HP books because it's neither relevant to the story nor it seems that Rowling has the political knowledge to do so. But more than that, fascism is based on colonialist views of the superiority of one versus the other.

Think about what you know about Iluminism: the first thing I learned about it in school is that it was a dichotomous stream of thought - we have a lot of duality in it. In Art, we have the chiaroscuro technique; in metaphysics, we have the discussion about man versus God; and in politics, we have the "illuminated" man (white, heteronormative, cisnormative, high-class, educated men) versus barbarians or savages (non-white men or women).

The colonialist way of thinking stems from this very deep-rooted belief that some people are more rational, and more advanced - superior - than other peoples, and so it'd be their God-given task to "illuminate" those "savages" through colonialism. Fascism is the elevation of those beliefs to a place of persecution and political revisionism in the newer stages of capitalism. So quite literally, to be a fascist, one has to first have this deep-rooted belief that there are people who are inherently superior to others. A belief system that Snape demonstrates early on in his life that he does have.

And that's exactly what I criticize about JK Rowling's writing and what further supports my point of Snape failing to atone for his beliefs: what she says in her books, basically, is that it's okay to think some people are superior to others as long as you don't do anything against those inferior ones like it's very much exemplified by what happens to the Malfoys after the war. It's where her individual background shows itself in the worst ways - because she was raised in a society that benefited from colonialism, their way of looking and thinking still carries a lot of reminiscent of colonialist thinking. Ask a person from the Global South about Europeans and you'll see what I mean - even when they don't realize, there is clearly a rooted racism in the ways they're raised because of that.

So it's obvious to me that Snape's development couldn't ever surpass the point where his core belief of superiority lies because Rowling doesn't see this as a problem. Maybe as an annoyance but certainly not as a problem when it is, 100%, the problem. Especially if we're talking about a redemption arc because then it means that Snape could never actually make proper amends or be actually accountable for what he has done as a Death Eater.

To break free from this way of thinking we need what Fanon calls cognitive dissonance: an extreme discomfort that is the only thing able to shatter a core belief like that of superiority. Now, we can argue that for Snape a cognitive dissonant experience would be Lily's death, or Voldemort's persecution of he,r because this did show Snape that his beliefs of Lily's exception to the rule were misplaced. However, there are various indications that that doesn't really happen for Snape, especially when we talk about his adult version's behavior and that might be explained by a series of earlier motives.

I'll focus first on the behavior pattern that I identify as cues on the fact that Snape didn't exactly atone for his mistakes in his adult life and then I'll come back to talk about why I don't think Lily's persecution or death was a cognitive dissonant experience for Snape, as traumatic as it may have been.

So I said earlier in the analysis that it doesn't matter why we do something, it only matters that we did do something because our actions are what will have a reflection in real life, not our intentions. And while I stand by that, I cannot in a sane mind say that our intentions do not play a role in our actions - that's simply not true. But our intentions have a different role to which importance should be attributed, and that is in the way we make things. Our intentions have as the main core, our beliefs, and our beliefs will therefore guide our actions.

Now, to simplify, if I believe every human being has the same value and should be treated as such, I'll act with the intention of demonstrating such belief. So I vote for candidates who preach equality, and I advocate for equality in the environments I'm inserted in (even if it's only me doing it subtly, it's still there). I cannot dissociate myself from it, it's a part of who I am and therefore it leaks into all aspects of my life. The same happens with the contrary: if I believe that some people are inherently superior to others because of their birth, then my core actions will reflect what I believe.

See where I'm going to?

Adult Snape perpetuates the cycle of abuse he grew up with, not only in his house but also in his political beliefs and later on as a professor. Yes, it was the abuse he suffered early on in his life that made a core belief of his that there are people who are superior because of their strength (and then it evolved to believe that this strength came from magic and purity) but as an adult who believes in this, it's painfully obvious how he perpetuates it: he defends bullies and is a bully himself.

He uses his place of power to punish and abuse this power simply because he can, he looks down on those he considers weak and acts against them in a show of his own superiority. And that isn't exclusively shown only to his students but also to people who are "below" him in the social hierarchy of the wizarding world, such as Remus.

And yes, I do realize there is more to their relationship as colleagues than just a non-werewolf "picking" on a werewolf out of prejudice but I have to note that if you really broke through your initial core belief of superiority, the very least you have to know is that there are some boundaries you can't break even out of well-placed resentment. And one of these boundaries is using your place in the hierarchy to oppress people who are below you, which Snape does when he reveals Remus' condition to the wizarding world.

Plus, I do want to challenge your statement of nobody being beyond salvation as I do see it as a very naive way of thinking, although that's not my exact point about it.

First of all, salvation and forgiveness are two different things. You can do unforgivable things and still become a better person than you were when you did those things, I do not deny that. But the damage you did is still there, and no victim of this damage is required to forgive you because you became a better person - sometimes our actions are irreversible, sometimes the damage we cause (especially when it comes to fascist beliefs) is too great, sometimes we can't possibly do enough to amend the things we've done. That counts with abuse, with fascism, with r*p*... there are many things to consider before we say so freely that no one is above salvation. It's naive to believe that everyone deserves forgiveness because there are things that cause too much harm to ever be amended again.

And as I said before, salvation and forgiveness are two different things. I do believe people can do better even after doing unforgivable things. I won't say it's exactly fair to the victims but there are abusive people who have become better after a especially bad relationship, there are parents who have become better parents to their youngest children than they were to their oldest, there were supremacists who became much better people with life, I do not deny that. I have no desire to deny that actually.

What I am advocating for, however, is that we hold these people, and characters, responsible for their own actions and uphold the very pillars that will give us the basis from which we should judge the changes in their behavior. And what I am saying about Snape is that he did not fulfill any of these milestones for redemption, it only appears so because he turns against Voldemort but that alone isn't indicative of change because the evidence shows that his core beliefs are still the same and as such, his actions on a personal and general level will reflect that even without Voldemort.

The point I'm making is that our core beliefs are the ones that guide our actions, and therefore, Snape's actions cannot be deemed as completely redeeming because they don't reflect an actual change of behavior more than they reflect a change of perceptions of the people he sided with in the beginning. Snape's actions don't reflect a cognitive dissonant change but on a shallower level, a change in perception: he doesn't turn on Voldemort because he realizes that his supremacist beliefs are frayed but because he takes Voldemort's persecution of Lily with hatred.

I explain: we only hate in three instances, one of them being when the object of our hate directly or indirectly threatens the things we love. As much as I deem Snape and Lily's friendship toxic, I cannot deny the existence of love, so when Lily is threatened by Voldemort, Snape hates him because he is a threat to her. Which is fair, but it's not a cognitive dissonant event for him because of all the points I make above. His change is superficial, his loyalties change out of emotions and not out of convictions, and as much as this doesn't matter when it comes to the actions he has taken - Snape did have a fundamental role in defeating Voldemort and (questionably) defeating the corruption within the system Rowling so much adores - it matters because it'll indirectly impact the actions he'll make around it, hence his role as professor, for example.

As much as I do respect what it has cost him to endure as a spy for Dumbledore, I cannot say that his actions towards Voldemort are enough for a redemption arc because there's no actual change in Snape. He is the same he always was, he just had a change of loyalties out of love, which is noble but at the same time, it still causes damage to the people around him exactly because he didn't change.

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serickswrites · 5 months

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Bring IX

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8

Warnings: referenced captivity, referenced torture, referenced restraints, rescue, mcd

Right Hand was somewhere soft. And warm. And so gentle?

The last thought had them wrenching their eyes open and shooting up despite the pain. “You’re safe, Right Hand,” Hero said from their chair in the corner of the room. They had a book in hand and a mug of something on the table next to them. “How are you feeling?”

Right Hand sank back against the pillows. “Where’s Sidekick?”

Hero’s eyes tightened. “Answer my question first. How are you feeling?”

Why did it matter? What about Sidekick? Were they ok? “I’m fine. Where’s Sidekick, please? I….I need to say something to them.” Where does one even begin to apologize for torturing someone?

Hero put their book down on the table next to their mug. They raked a few fingers through their hair. “Sidekick is in the orchard. Where I buried them.”

Buried them? No. That would mean, “Buried them? What—“ Dread filled Right Hand. This couldn’t be.

“Villain slit their throat just as I arrived.” Hero’s voice held such sorrow that Right Hand’s own heart ached.

“But you asked Villain to let them go, I don’t…no.” Tears filled Right Hand’s eyes. Sidekick was dead? This was all their fault. If only they had the guts to defy Villain sooner.

“I was begging for your life, Right Hand.” Hero’s gaze pierced through Right Hand’s guilt.

“My life, why? My life is worthless.”

Hero snorted. “Your life is anything but worthless, Right Hand. I saw that you were strung up and tortured right next to Sidekick. It takes a lot to defy Villain’s orders.”

“But I did it too late. I wasn’t brave enough.”

Hero shook their head. “You couldn’t have known, Right Hand. I don’t hold it against you. Sidekick wouldn’t have either.”

Right Hand swallowed around the lump in their throat. “What happens now?”

Hero watched Right Hand for a second before answering. “That entirely depends on you. You’re welcome to stay here until you are fully recovered. Then I’ll take you wherever you want to go. But I’m hoping you will stay here and join me.”

“Join you?”

“Yes. It takes a lot to stand up to Villain. And it takes a lot to admit that you were instrumental in my friend’s death. But it takes even more to stand up against someone that will hurt you because it’s the right thing to do.”

“I…I…I shouldn’t accept. I’ve done terrible things.”

“Then think of it as atonement for what you’ve done. You’re not evil, Right Hand. And I would much rather have you on my team than let you go out and be murdered by Villain.”

Right Hand sat quietly for a few breaths. Join Hero? It had it’s possibilities. But what if they were like Villain. Nobody could be as bad as Villain was as it turns out. “Ok. I’ll stay. But only as long as you can stand me.”

Hero gave a wan smile. “Welcome to the team, Right Hand.” They stood up, tucking their book under their arm. “Rest up. We can go over the terms of your contract when you’re feeling a bit more yourself.”

Before Right Hand could reply, Hero left. “I’m sorry,” Right Hand whispered to the now empty room. “I should have stood up sooner. I’m sorry you had to die. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I took you.” Right Hand dabbed at the tears rolling down their cheeks. “But I will protect your friend. I won’t let anyone hurt them. I promise.”

Tags: @ha-ha-one@skys-fantasy@keeper-of-all-the-random-things@a-place-to-put-poetry@subval01 @smuwfy-side-blog @friendlylandcrustacean@annablogsposts@st0rmm@freefallingup13@lit-lists@saltyontheside@pieswhump@bookworm7543@st0rmm@whump321@kyommommo@written-by-jayy@straymiku@hopefullywritingahit@idkwhattodowiththisaltiamsorry@freefallingup13 @crabofthewoods @cherry-holic @galaxysmask @thewhumphut @mefattortoise @lthrboy

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inconsistentwriting · 1 year

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Daylight

Warning: Spoilers of Nightbringer. In the mood for some NB angst. GN!reader x Lucifer. English is not my first language.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The end of another exhausting day as the brothers’ assistant. Lucifer had dismissed you quite late tonight. You were saying your goodbyes when you passed the music room. Something pushed you to go in and sit in the small bench in front of the piano. The memories started flowing and pouring over you. All those nights playing that same instrument for the brothers. Playing in the background for Satan as he read his favorite novels. Teaching Levi how to play his favorite openings. Lulling Belphie to sleep while his twin looked at you with adoration. The way Mammon and Asmo always found their way there while you practiced. The countless nights playing for Lucifer when he wasn’t feeling like himself, neither of you saying anything, a mutual and wordless agreement. Absentmindedly you started to pay the melody you used to play to Lucifer. You don’t know for how long you had been playing or when the the demon with those silky black wings had placed himself in the doorframe until he called your name.

-”I thought I said you could go home.”

-”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstay my welcome. I’ll get going.”

-”Wait. What is that melody?”

-”Oh, it’s a song I used to play for someone I held very dear.”

-”Used to? What happened?”

Your mind went back to the day you were taken from them all. Your eyes swelled with tears as you remember the fight you’ve had with Lucifer. The things said by both of you, you don’t even want to think on how he must be feeling with your disappearance.

-”We fought. I say nasty things and he did too. And now I can’t take them back, no matter how hard I‘ve been trying.”

-”He must be a fool for being mad at you. You have been nothing but patient and caring with my brothers and me.”

-”It’s not his fault. The world just decided we must suffer being apart from each other for a while. Maybe it’s just trying to teach me a lesson.”

The tears that stained your face made Lucifer’s heart feel heavy. Why was he feeling so bad? Why was his heart weeping? He’d never admit it, but everything in him was telling to run to you and to catch you in his arms, to tell you he would never let you suffer like that. Instead, he asked a single question.

-”Could you play it for me? I’d love to hear the entirety of it.”

-”Of course. Whatever you wish.”

Once again you sat next to the piano and let your fingers move slowly to the sound of the song. You started to sing the lyrics under Lucifer’s careful gaze.

-”Telling myself I won’t go there

Oh, but I know that I won’t care

Tryna wash away all the blood I’ve spilt

His lust is a burden that we both share

Two sinners can’t atone from a lone prayer

Souls tied intertwined by pride and guilt.”

The words of your song struck a chord inside of Lucifer. The lyrics seemed crafted for him, he felt it deep inside of his chest.

-”There’s darkness in the distance

from the way that I’ve been living

but I know I can’t resist it.

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

You and i drink the poison from the same vine.

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

Hiding all of our sins from the daylight.

From the daylight, running from the daylight.

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time.”

It clicked on Lucifer’s mind. By the way you were playing, by the tone in your voice, by the history you gave him. This was a love song. A love song between you and somebody else. Someone stupid enough to allow himself to loose you. He felt a lot of things, pity for the idiot who couldn’t realise what he had, jealousy for the fact that even after all you were still looking back, longing for you.

-”Telling myself it’s the last time

Can you spare any mercy that you might find?

If I’m down on my knees again.

Deep down, way down, lord I try

Try to follow your light but it’s nighttime

Please don’t leave me in the end.”

The words touched something so deeply buried. Those words felt so very his. It was like those lyrics had been born from his deepest core. It shook him, it frightened him, it comforted him.

-”There’s darkness in the distance.

I’m begging for forgiveness

But I know I might resist it.

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

You and I drink the poison from the same vine.

Oh, i love it and I hate it at the same time

Hiding all of our sins from the daylight.

From the daylight, running from the daylight.

Oh, i love it and I hate it at the same time.

Oh, I love it and I hate it at the same time

You and I drink the poison from the same vine.

Oh, i love it and I hate it at the same time

Hiding all of our sins from the daylight.

From the daylight, running from the daylight.

Oh, i love it and I hate it at the same time.”

The final note hanged in the air for a second, and it felt like an eternity when your eyes met Lucifer’s. There was something in his red hues, something that reminded you of your Lucifer, something that wasn’t there before.

-”It looks like whoever this song is for is deeply adored by you.”

-”He is. He is one of the most important people in the world to me. I love him with everything I have. I actually risked my life for him, because of how much I loved him.”

Lucifer felt the weight of your words in his heart. Deep inside he knew what it meant, he wanted to be that man, he was jealous of that unknown individual who had stolen your heart. He wanted to be the person you loved with that abandon, but he couldn’t.

-”It’s been a very long day MC, go home and rest. I’ll need you on your best moment tomorrow.”

You knew him like the palm of your hand. He kept quiet but his body speaked a million words. You could see how he swallowed a little harder as before saying those words, trying to hold back his tongue. You saw the way his eyes looked at you. You knew him so well, even this far back, he was still the demon you fell for.

-”You are right. I’ll see you tomorrow Lucifer, rest well.”

But you were just like him. His sin shinned in your eyes, the pride too strong for you to admit how much you missed him.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I apologize for the emotional distress this might have caused. It's just one of those nights.

#obey me #gn reader #obey me oneshots #obey me x gn!reader #obey me x y/n #obey me lucifer #lucifer x mc #obey me angst

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doctorofmagic · 2 years

Text

Final thoughts on a lovely journey

*deep inhale*

Please, come inside and sit with me for a moment while we discuss this final issue.

In all my years as a Stephen stan, I’ve never felt this happy to see HIM happy, cared for, surrounded by such meaningful and deep love. I had many beautiful moments so far *coughcough hellfire gala/savage avengers* but this one means the world to me, mostly because he’s reunited with the love of his life.

Love has always been the fundamental force that drives his very existence. He has never healed from the guilt and sadness for watching Clea leave. He couldn’t forgive himself and fell into self-destructive behavior, which later worsened and culminated in depression in the shape of Mr. Misery.

Stephen hasn’t been happy in a VERY long time by our standards of time. It was never clear that he and Clea were in good terms after Sorcerer Supreme by the end of the 90′s and Defenders v2/The Order, but he did go through A LOT ever since she left to lead the rebel army. After the conclusion of Sorcerer Supreme, he made a few cameos here and there until he was adopted by Bendis in New Avengers v1 and v2. He was loved by his teammates but he also made tons of mistakes due to his actions in the Illuminati. He could never forgive himself after what he did to the Hulk, and abusing dark magic only made him feel even more miserable, turning his back to Wong and Linda and embracing once and for all his self-destructive instincts in order to atone for his sins and mistakes.

Hickman’s New Avengers and Secret Wars were no different. They were a downhill towards his own perdition and posterior tragic death by the hands of one flawed man he loved to a fault.

And then v4 happened, the lowest Stephen has ever faced. Alone, fighting himself to preserve a friendship and struggling with his own flaws: his need to be in control, his insecurity, his white and half lies. He was NOT in a good place.

V5 was an exception because, well, not a good portrayal, let alone when it comes to continuity, although he did severe his relationship with Clea.

And then Jed had all the diligence to fix pretty much 30 years of pain, loneliness and Stephen’s inaptitude to be open about his feelings. In fact, Jed is more than willing to work hard and deep into Clea and Stephen’s marriage, and that’s the most important part of this last issue in my opinion.

Because, you see, it’s not the first time they merged and became one. There was one time when Dormammu and Umar forced them and it was pretty much a nightmare. But aside from that, it has always been consented by bonding their souls (with tons of implied sexual semantics, of course). Still, the point is, they deal with magic. I always mention that the magic community is deeper than any other bond in the Marvel universe, mostly because they tap into the spirit and essence of things. So love here... Sure, it’s demanding and takes lots of work, conversation, understanding, patience. On the other hand, when it comes to magic... It’s hard to explain but it’s pretty much how I personally feel about love. It goes beyond the limitations of the physical instance. It connects you to other person in such overwhelming levels of intimacy and trust. It’s not something that should be taken lightly because it goes DEEP.

And that’s precisely what Clea and Stephen’s relationship is all about. Jed, Ferreira, Poggi, Tartaglia, Petit and Garbett did a wonderful job in portraying the depth of this feeling. And it’s just so amazingly done that even when they merge in the being called Strange, they're not 100% on the same page. And this is literally what a deep and meaningful relationship represents. You’re not one with your S/O. You’re your own person. Your relationship creates a strong bond, but you and your partner(s) will disagree on many issues. You will have to find the balance between your needs and the sacrifices you’ll do along the way. Then again, it’s not just about romance. It’s a never-ending mutual journey of growth.

In short? Stephen and Clea are one, but also different in their own uniqueness. And they’ll have tons of work ahead to find said balance. Which is amazing because you don’t see this kind of approach in comic books very often. It’s mature and it reflects how far they’ve come together.

Strange actually reminds me of Garnet and Rupphire, and all the lessons we learned by watching their journey. Steven says Garnet makes it look so easy, to be in a stable relationship. But only Ruby and Sapphire know the ups and downs of their shared lives. And the struggles can only be overcome through kindness, acceptance, conversation, trust, and so many other details that come along with love.

It’s not supposed to be easy, but it IS rewarding. It IS special. It’s fuel to the soul and dew to the world.

Those were humble words to show my gratitude. It’s not just a reunion, but it’s healthy, mature and deeply meaningful. And it really means the world to me that Stephen is happy. It really does. So thank you. A thousand times thank you.

FIN

#doctor strange #stephen strange #clea strange #wednesday tomes #wednesday spoilers #review #marvel comics #jed mackay #marcelo ferreira #roberto poggi #java tartaglia #vc's cory petit #lee garbett #spouses supreme #<<<< btw this is how jed called them and i'm adopting as the official ship name #later on this matter bc there's more content ahead

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butchbenrey · 4 months

Text

"the science team is all one big happy family post-canon" is cute and all but it's overrated. let's talk about gordie's crushing fear of being alone from her ptsd in the aftermath of all of it.

everything in her fucking life got morphed and changed into something she can no longer recognize, so she feels like she needs to cling on to the science team for some sense of normalcy, some sense of familiarity. who could she even begin to relate to but them? who else went through anything similar to what she did? who else could she talk to about all of it without sounding insane? they provide some feeling of being heard but of course, they could never understand exactly what she went through. nobody else got their arm cut off, in fact, two of them were the ones who did that to her in the first place. she thinks it helps to be around them, she thinks it's some weird kind of exposure therapy and that the discomfort she feels around them will go away if she just keeps ignoring it, but it doesn't.

she wants it to go away, not just so that she'll have friends she can talk to, and a feeling of having conquered it together and making it out the other side (like she assumes these sorts of things are supposed to go), but also because she's wracked with guilt. she feels so deeply and unalterably guilty for all of it— she was the one who caused the resonance cascade, after all, and she was the de-facto leader of the group, so she feels responsible for all of it. she can recognize that she was treated unfairly at certain points (like, y'know, the whole forced amputation thing), but in retrospect she feels like she had it coming, like it was her responsibility to foresee those events and stop them before they happened. sure, nearly all of them attacked her at some point, but they were all under stress too, it was understandable. if you really think about it, bubby and benrey were right to cut off her arm, i mean, they were scared! <- (gordie inner monologue). so if she left them after all of it, that would make her a horrible, awful, cruel person, in her own eyes. so she has to go to all the stupid little outings and parties, she has to excuse herself to have meltdowns... she has to look in the eyes of the people who hurt her so profoundly and she has to sit through the flashbacks and the emotional turmoil because if she doesn't, she'd be worse than them, in her trauma-addled brain.

it feels like atonement, to her. necessary atonement for the shit she thinks was entirely her own fault. and if she ever feels the nagging desire to cut them off, a voice reminds her that she'll forever be known as some cruel son of a bitch who almost ended the world and then abandoned the people who carried her through it. and then she'll be alone. because who would want to be friends with someone so spiteful and miserable.

in my heart of hearts i do believe one day she comes to her senses and realizes she does not have to be friends with that random old man and the guy who tried to kill her and that she will become more outwardly friendly and positive with hard work and therapy. but please imagine the absolute state of this poor girl in the meantime with me

#barking #hlvrai #gordon feetman #bubby #benrey #this is. again. almost entirely projection on my part with my own ptsd #and its so cathartic. thank you art for being an outlet forever and ever

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damnfandomproblems · 1 month

Note

758648137243049984

First of all, like someone else said, the same logic and arguments you apply to ships also applies to violence in fiction. The two are kinda interchangeable. Murder, terrorism, torture, those kinds of things are wrong and hurt people in real life so I don't know why most antis are okay with it in fiction even when it happens to kids. If ships influence people then fictional violence will too. If it really worked like that, then the fact you're up in arms over ships but okay with violence is kinda worrying. If one is wrong, then both are wrong. If one doesn't work like that, then neither does the other.

Lastly, what people think romanticizes something is often subjective, and in my own experience, just writing about it makes them think you're condoning it. For example, before I joined Tumblr this year I used a different app where I often posted some of my writing. Including an old one I wrote in high school and reworked. The narrator suffered from depression and would often self-harm. The short passage I uploaded was her in the middle of attempting suicide. She self-harmed because she felt she needed to 'atone' for perceived slights. She attempted suicide because she wanted the pain to end and thought that was the only way it would. I based this writing on my own personal and my friends' experiences. I wasn't encouraging anything, I just wanted to work through things in hs and writing helped me. That work was taken down. It was my fault because it went against the rules of the group, but the reason the other person gave wasn't that it wasn't allowed by the rules, they called it "pro-self harm". They thought I wanted people to hurt themselves because my narrator had depression which caused her do do unhealthy things/think unhealthy thoughts, because that's how I feel sometimes.

I'm not saying everyone who writes this stuff is trying to work through trauma/pain in a healthy way. And they don't need to be a victim to write this stuff or write it for that purpose. Maybe they wrote it for fun or it's a fantasy kink, and there's nothing wrong with that. Maybe others will read it for the same reasons. But maybe a victim will read it and maybe it'll help them come to terms with what happened. And maybe you'll read the same thing but think it's glorifying something you hate.

Whether something glorifies a bad thing or not is often subjective. Just because you personally hate it doesn't mean it doesn't have a purpose or shouldn't exist.

And banning this stuff won't do anything. It will still be made, just in secret. It will still be posted, just on a hidden website. And the associated crimes irl won't decrease. Maybe they'll slightly go down, though I'd argue they'd most likely go up. Because if people are reading these things and hurting others cause of it, they already had those thoughts in their minds. If they're going after kids or abusing their partners after reading about it, then the fiction didn't create that desire out of nothing, it was just the final push they needed to do something they already wanted to do. And anything could be that final push, they could have seen someone else do it irl. In that case the fiction was a key that unlocked the door to a desire they kept hidden, not a paintbrush that painted an image of that desire on a blank canvas. Anything could be a key. Don't place more blame on fiction than on the criminal. That allows them to not have to take personal responsibility and you're ignoring the root of the problem, making it harder to protect people. Don't waste time and energy going after depictions of abuse instead of actual real life abusers.

Posting as a response to a previous ask.

#fandom problem 5479 #response to previous problem #response to previous ask #mod sf

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verdantcrimson · 9 months

Text

Heaven and Earth / Creation of Heaven and Earth - 3

(Unproofread)

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[One week later, Yumenosaki Academy Gardens]

Koga: Hmmmm. Yeah, I kinda got the sense that AKATSUKI was involved in a real mess these days.

Koga: So? You've been yammerin’ for a while now but whaddya even want me to say, Zakki~?

Souma: I did not expect you to provide me with an opinion, Oogami-dono. I was merely making small talk as we worked.

Souma: I have been so terribly occupied with this ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth' business that I feel as though I have naught else to talk about.

Koga: Got it. I dunno if it's cause it's the end of the financial year or somethin’, but it feels like everyone's so fuckin’ busy.

Koga: It ain't so bad for my unit right now, but I wonder how long that peace is gonna last.

Souma: Fufu. So you believe it is due to ‘Andeddo’ being at peace that you are able to care for your plants with such serenity?

Souma: Once again, my sincere apologies. I had never imagined Oogami-dono's garden to be so vast.

Souma: I was on a run, and by pure accident, happened to trample upon the vegetables in the field—

Souma: I truly am sorry. I am assisting you with fieldwork to atone, so please find it in your heart to forgive me.

Koga: I don’t actually care that much. It’s kinda my fault for not fencin’ the area off, and you’ve apologized and everythin’.

Souma: Oogami-dono, you have changed quite a bit. You are far more even-tempered than you used to be.

Koga: Hmph. You’re talkin’ like I’ve been defanged or somethin’ so that ain’t too flatterin’ to hear yanno?

Souma: I simply think that it is a great thing to mature. We shall soon leave this academy behind, we cannot continue to walk around like chicks with eggshells on our heads indefinitely.

Souma: Our lives shall continue even after our schooling ends. Now is the time to deliberate how we will live outside this environment.

Koga: What’s goin’ on, you’re talkin’ about some unusually melancholic stuff, aren't ya?

Koga: Well, I guess it’s just the season. Graduation and all that.

Koga: Is that really what it is? I always thought that ya were as tough as steel, that nothin’ could ever dent ya, but ya look so down right now so could it be that—

Koga: Is that whole ‘Heaven and Earth’ thing still botherin’ ya?

Souma: Could you perhaps be worried about me, Oogami-dono?

Koga: I’m just makin’ small talk, dumbass.

Souma: Fufu… Well undoubtedly, it has been difficult. The ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’ job has been an unprecedented undertaking for us, and it almost makes me wonder if it may be too large a burden for us to bear.

Souma: Hence, we have been left stumped as to whether it is even possible for us to take on this job in the first place, much less whatever it may entail.

Koga: Right, you’ve gotta get the approval of those stupidly named ‘Three Sages’. Let me guess, they won’t shake their heads and accept ya?

Souma: Nay. All three have officially approved of us to host ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’.

Koga: Huuh? So what’s the issue?

Souma: I am unsure if this is an appropriate way to phrase it, but these three figures are, let us just say— Unique.

Souma: In exchange for their approval of us, they each had their say in what the contents of ‘Rumbling Heaven and Earth’ would be.

Souma: They say that too many cooks spoil the broth… Indeed, their respective demands were utterly incompatible, and we are now at an impasse.

Koga: Ah right... If there’s too many people in charge, then they’re all gonna give out completely different orders and ya won’t know whose to follow.

Koga: Since Rhythlink is an old agency with a buncha important people, ya tend to hear about cases like that pretty often.

Souma: Umu. It is at times like these that I cannot help but feel envious of the more newly established agencies like ‘Sutaapuro’ and ‘Newdee’.

Koga: What’d they say specifically though?

Koga: I mean, we’re in the same agency so maybe we could help eachother out or—

Koga: Tch, forget what I just said. That ain’t like me, I probably just have too much time on my hands these days to think about shit that ain’t my business.

Souma: Fufu. I am not expecting any sort of solution, rather, I merely wished to confide in someone about it— Which is why, might I ask you to lend me an ear? Just that much would lift a weight off of me.

Souma: The first thing we did was approach one of these ‘Three Sages’, the one known as ‘Hideyoshi-sensei’.

Koga: Hideyoshiii? S’that his actual name? I know it’s the name of a historical figure but…?

Souma: It seems as though that is just a moniker. His real name is something different.

Souma: These three acclaimed historians are named after Nobunaga, Hideyoshi and Ieyasu respectively, in reference to three great figures from the Sengoku Era.

Koga: Huuuh. Even someone like me knows who those guys are. They’re easy to remember.

Souma: Umu. As for the reason they are named such, it is apparently due to the fact they share characteristics with these three historical figures.

Souma: Roughly speaking, Nobunaga-sensei is a reformist, rather militant in nature, and quite fear-inducing when angered.

Souma: As opposed to Ieyasu-sensei, who is more conservative, a pacifist and mild mannered. However, there are rumors that he is the most conniving of the ‘Three Sages’.

Souma: The last of the three, Hideyoshi-sensei, is an eccentric personality, fond of bizarre ideas, with a love for money and profit above all else.

Koga: They’re seriously the spittin’ images of the Sengoku Warlords.

Souma: They could also be acting in accordance with the titles bestowed upon them in order to live up to expectations.

Souma: Similar to how we would like to live up to the expectations that our ‘fansu’ have of us, is that true?

Koga: Yup. It’s kind of depressin’ to think of whether or not I’ll be keepin’ my rude and immature speech patterns when I’m an old man though. ¹

Koga: If I start talkin’ normally now, the fans’ll be disappointed.

Souma: On the other hand, if I were to suddenly adopt those same speech patterns, my fans would be quite perplexed.

Koga: Why don’tcha try talkin’ like me? You’d be surprised at how quick you’ll get used to it.

Souma: Indeed, I am the great and mighty Souma Kanzaki from AKATSUKI~! ‘Rokku ando roru’!

Koga: FWAHAH… Okay stop it now, ya just look like a kid playin’ pretend! ♪

Souma: Very well. That aside, while their personality may be a result of adhering to the characteristics of their namesakes—

Souma: These ‘Three Sages’ have a tendency to speak in a rather fantastical manner, which is difficult for an average person such as myself to comprehend.

Souma: Firstly, we made a request to meet with Hideyoshi-sensei who lived closest to us, however…

Souma: The very first words he uttered were this:

Souma: —“I, like seriously, super hate history!”

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Translation notes

I've done a bit of localizing to this exchange, but it originally centered around Koga's personal pronoun of choice, 'ore-sama' (俺様) which is a very arrogant way of referring to yourself. Being so arrogant is viewed as a sign of immaturity, which is why Koga laments the thought of having to keep it up in his old age. When Souma mimicks him, he borrows this pronoun.

#Heaven and Earth #Souma Kanzaki #Koga Oogami

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hummingbird-of-light · 4 months

Text

June of Doom 2024 Day 9 (@juneofdoom)

9. “I made a mistake.”

| Accident | Acceptance | Blame |

"P-please, ye don't have to do this! I know that I made a mistake in yer eyes, but this is going too far."

Montgomery "Scotty" Scott panicked, trying to convince the locals that their plan to execute him was complete madness. He had been taken from his cell to a room where the sentence was to be passed and carried out.

Everything he had done had been for the good of the people. The engineer had done his best to repair the machine that kept the planet's capital warm. He had done everything right! He just didn't know what had gone wrong!

"Silence! You have condemned us to a life of cold! Many of us will not survive the next lunar cycle!"

Scotty stared up with huge eyes at the judge, who was looking down at him from his high chair. The piercing green eyes seemed to pierce the engineer quite literally. There was no mercy in them.

"I'll fix the machine! A-a-all I need is some time and the right plans!" the Scotsman stammered desperately. Tears started to fill his eyes.

He didn't want to die! He wanted to get back on board his beloved ship and join his crew! But he also knew that he was subject to the laws of the planet. And if the punishment for his offense was death, then neither he nor the captain could do anything about it.

Scotty still remembered his last conversation with Kirk before he had been taken away to the prison.

Jim had sworn to Scotty that he would do everything he could to clear things up in time, but apparently he hadn't succeeded.

"Your time is up, human! You alone are to blame for this misfortune and it will cost you your life. I hereby sentence you, Montgomery Scott, to death by hanging! May you atone for your sins!"

Scotty's eyes widened a little more and he shook his head violently. This was not fair! It just wasn't fair! He wasn't allowed to die for a mistake he hadn't made! He hadn't done anything wrong!

"Please! Nae! Nae! I didn't do anything! It's not my fault! Believe me! I-I didn't destroy the machine! A-and I can fix it!"

The guards simply pulled him along with them, no matter how hard Scotty kicked and squirmed. He felt the eyes of the entire council of the planet's elders resting on him. Anger sparkled in them. One of the female creatures nodded to a guard and the strongly built native took out a piece of cloth and used it to gag the Scotsman.

They led him to a small platform in the middle of the hall and he felt one of the guards place a thick rope around his neck. Scotty resisted as much as he could, but quickly realized that it made no sense. It was useless to try anything.

His heart raced and he screamed into the gag as he felt himself being slowly pulled up by the rope. His feet lost contact with the ground and the sound in his throat choked as the air supply was cut off.

He noticed that the locals were whispering to each other. Satisfaction mingled with the angry faces. They were happy to see the man they blamed for everything slowly and agonizingly suffocating.

Scotty closed his eyes and hot tears made their way out and ran down his cheeks, dripping down from his chin. He felt himself being pulled further and further into the air, dangling above the crowd.

At first he tried to make sounds and pull at the noose around his neck, but he quickly realized that it was doing him no good.

His body weakened and images formed in Scotty's mind's eye.

He saw his home in Aberdeen. His family and the house he had grown up in. He saw his little brother, with whom he had always played. He saw the academy, his failed experiment with Archer's Beagle and his time on Delta Vega. And he saw the Enterprise and its crew. His friends. No – his family.

Why hadn't they made it? Why hadn't Jim and the others saved him? He had hoped every second of his captivity that they would come and get him out. That this huge misunderstanding would be cleared up.

He had performed so many miracles in his life. But where was his miracle? Who would save him?

"Stop! Stop it right now!"

That voice. Scotty tried to open his eyes, but they resisted.

"He didn't do anything! Montgomery Scott is innocent!"

Aye. He was innocent. He was innocent! He had done everything right.

"What proof do you have of that?" came the judge's critical voice.

"We'll show you in a moment! Now put him down! He needs air right now, damn it!"

A faint smile formed on Scotty's lips when he heard the second voice. He could have guessed that the captain was not alone.

When Scotty felt his body slowly sink back to the ground, he was already on the verge of losing consciousness. He heard the blood rushing in his ears, heard the pounding of his heart.

Strong arms caught him and soon the Scotsman was lying on the floor, able to breathe again.

"Scotty! Scotty, open your eyes, man! Look at me!"

And this time the engineer actually succeeded. The sight that presented itself to him was the most beautiful he had seen in a long time.

Dr. Leonard McCoy looking at him with worried eyes.

Scotty just smiled. The doctor had come to save him.

He heard Jim say something about a saboteur from the natives' own ranks and about evidence that had been found, but that wasn't important at the moment.

All that mattered was that he was in McCoy's arms. And that he wouldn't die.

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sakumasmut · 2 years

Text

Five Eccentrics x Ex-fine!Male!Reader

This idea wouldn’t leave my head, so I decided to just go for it. Hope others will enjoy it too!

tags/warnings: Cnc, hate sex, rough sex, breeding bench, cock rings, orgasm denial, anal sex, slapping, degradation, blowjobs, facefucking, cum swallowing, spitroasting, facials, aftercare

also on ao3

Your heart skipped a beat as you heard people’s voices from afar. Your current position didn’t allow you to face the door, but it wasn’t like you needed to see who would enter—you were well aware who was coming. The door swung open and the chatter died down, a soft chuckle rising above the remnants of noise.

“My my, what do we have here?” A smooth voice spoke as heavy footsteps approached you. You felt the leather of a gloved hand reach out to trace the curve of your back as Rei came into your vision. The vampire leaned down close to your face, and your Adam’s apple bobbed as you gulped.

“/Name/, formerly of fine, what a delight to see you like this.”

Your body was bound to a breeding bench, limbs locked in place with nylon clasps. Your knees dug into the cushion of the bench, your legs forced apart to present your ass to anyone and everyone. The rest of your body lay flat on the upper half, your arms also bound to either side of the contraption so that there was no leeway to move. A shining metal cock ring was clasped around the base of your erect member, with an extra ring that went around your scrotum holding your balls together, lifting them up just slightly to make sure they didn’t touch your crotch.

“It’s an amazing sight!” Wataru laughed heartily. “A good way to get rid of all that pent up anger, no?”

“I-I thought you didn’t hold a grudge!” You stammered, lifting your head up as best you could to look at Wataru.

“I don’t! But I can’t say the same for the other four, and it’s no fun to be left out!”

“And ‘this’ is Tenshouin’s ‘doing’?” Kanata asked, circling around to join Rei in peering at you. His gaze wasn’t mischievous like Rei’s, but the darkness in his emerald eyes sent chills down your spine.

“Don’t mention that filthy name.” Shu snapped, eyeing your body with a mixture of curiosity and disgust. “Though he…does have his ways. I’ll admit that.”

“Ooh, the anticipation makes me want to combust! Let’s move onto the main event!” Wataru patted your head. “Now then, how shall we do this? Youngest first?”

The fifth and final person who had entered the room still hadn’t said a word, but you could feel his gaze eating up every inch of your prone form. A pit of dread built up in your stomach.

The Five Eccentrics of Yumenosaki. The ones whose reputations you ruined. Granted, you could point fingers at Eichi all day to make him take the blame, but you knew it was a joint effort. He wasn’t the only one at fault, and while you didn’t regret your actions, there was still room left for atonement.

The sound of pants unzipping was the only thing you could hear besides the blood rushing to your cheeks. You had no way of knowing what he was doing, and the suspense was killing you. A finger prodded your hole without warning, and it ripped a gasp out of you as you clenched around nothing.

“Sakasaki, you need ‘lube’ to make it ‘wet’.”

“I doN’T.”

Natsume’s thumbs pressed against either side of your ass and pulled against your skin, stretching your hole as taut as he could. You felt something press against your entrance, and your eyes widened.

“W-Wait—”

You screamed in pain as his cock slammed into your unprepared hole, the dry friction sending a searing pain through your entire being. You let out a choked sob as your asshole clenched around his cock tightly, not even getting a second to adjust before he pulled out and slammed into you again.

“S-Sakasaki! Please—”

“Be quiET.” He snapped, sliding his cock out until you were only clenching onto his tip, then immediately shoving his length back in, forcing your walls apart to take more of him. His fingernails dug into your skin as he grit his teeth, channeling his anger into fucking you. You wailed at the pain, tears beginning to form in your eyes.

“Shu-oniiSAN.” Natsume spoke up. “Can you shut him UP? That stupid voice is getting on my nervES.”

A grumble came from the older boy, but you watched as Shu unzipped his own pants and brought his cock out, stroking it gently.

“Don’t even think about using your teeth.”

You gave him something close to a nod, and opened your mouth when he gripped your hair with his hands, bringing your face up to meet his cock. Your lips closed around his head, muffling your cries as Natsume continued to fuck you without mercy. You naively thought that Shu wouldn’t be as rough with you, but that belief shattered when he began to thrust into your mouth, forcing his cock down your throat. You gagged at the sheer size of him, throat clenching around his shaft and making Shu groan in pleasure.

You were now being fucked in both holes—your ass being abused by Natsume, who was determined to make it as painful as possible, and your mouth claimed by Shu, who seemed to care more about his own pleasure than letting you breathe. Your attempts at strangled moans from the way Natsume was pounding your ass were always cut off when Shu gave a particularly hard thrust. They were in perfect sync with the sole purpose of making you feel like a complete whore, just someone whose holes had to be filled.

Your body jerked when Natsume brought his palm down onto your ass, your throat contracting around Shu’s cock, making him moan.

“Sakasaki. Again.”

Another smack. You couldn’t stop your hole from contracting around his dick each time his hand brought itself down on your reddening cheeks, the pain giving way to pleasure for all three of you. Shu’s movements began to stagger, and he pulled your head down as far as it would go as he moaned, his seed shooting straight down your throat without warning.

“That’s riGHT. Swallow all of it, whoRE. We’ll make you our cumdump, /naME/.” Natsume hissed as you were forced to gulp down the salty load that was pumped inside of you. Shu kept his cock in your mouth as Natsume’s thrusts finally slowed, filling you with a last thrust before you felt him release inside of you.

“Don’t use that word. It’s so…vile.” Shu huffed, releasing his hold on your head as his cock left your mouth with an audible pop. He stuffed it back into his underwear and composed himself. “You heathens would do a better job ruining him than I’d like to bring myself to do.”

“But Itsuki still ‘used’ /name/ for his ‘pleasure’.” Kanata tilted his head. Shu ignored him and sat down next to Wataru, who had been watching you intently the entire time with his own erection in his hand.

Natsume grunted as he pulled out, your walls clenching around him until the last second. He hummed at his handiwork, seemingly satisfied as he gave you one last smack on the ass before joining Shu. You should have felt relief at finally getting a chance to rest, but your body felt empty without anything inside of it. Your cock also remained untouched, left reddened and twitching as you tried to hump against thin air to get your release. The moment of respite wouldn’t last long, for better or worse.

“I can’t let you two have all the fun now, can I?” Rei chuckled deeply, surveying the debauched mess Natsume and Shu had left you in. Cum poured out of your ass and trailed down your thighs, where it was beginning to collect in a small puddle. While your mouth looked cleaner, it was just as abused as your hole, if not moreso. Rei quickly noticed the way your cock twitched with need, still erect from no stimulation.

“Aww, does our cute little cumdump need to cum himself?”

His words made your hole clench around nothing. His gloved hand reached out to brush your length, just the ghost of his touch leaving you mewling and wanting more. You tried to move your hips to rub against his fingers, but they were just out of reach.

“Hmph, look at how needy you are. Was Sakasaki and Itsuki combined not enough to satisfy you?”

Rei pulled his hand away and unbuckled his pants, erection already straining against the cloth.

“Shinkai, want to take his mouth?”

“If that’s what you’d ‘like’.”

Kanata took his member out at the same time Rei’s tip pressed against your entrance. You whimpered as the vampire leaned down to your ear, his hot breath making you shiver.

“/Name/, I’d say I’ll be gentle, but then I’d be lying.”

Rei bottomed out inside of you with a single thrust, the leftover cum from Natsume making his entrance much smoother. It didn’t hurt as much as Natsume penetrating you with no lube, but Rei was girthier. Your mouth opened to moan, and Kanata took the chance to push his own cock past your lips, your mouth engulfing him all at once.

“A shame I won’t be able to hear your pretty whines, but sharing with companions isn’t so bad either.” Rei nipped at your earlobe before standing back up, placing his hands on your hips as he began to thrust.

Rei was by no means as rough as Natsume, but he was much more experienced. He was focused on hitting all your sweet spots, making you feel every inch of him before sliding out and doing it all over again. You barely felt the sting of your last round as he kept bringing wave after wave of pleasure onto you. You kept trying to moan, but Kanata’s cock forced you still, unable to vocalize your pleasure. Kanata wasn’t large, but anything felt like too much after Shu’s harsh treatment towards you. He didn’t move at all, rather he let Rei’s movements force your head forward, to take his length deeper into your mouth until your nose was touching his skin.

“Do you like being filled like this, /name/?” Rei chuckled, pressing his cock against your prostate just right, making your eyes roll back in your head. If Natsume’s way of torturing you was fucking you until your hole bled, Rei’s was whispering filthy things into your ear, maximizing your desire while knowing damn well he wasn’t going to let you get your release.

“I thought you would have loosened up after one round, but look at you, you’re still so tight for me.”

His movements slowed, and you let out an unheard whine as you clenched around him, struggling against your binds to try and tell him to move, to touch you, to do anything.

“Hm? Do you want something?” He smirked. “Why don’t you tell me what you need? I wouldn’t know otherwise.”

You obviously couldn’t talk with Kanata’s dick in your mouth, so all you could do was tremble as he continued to tease you with slow thrusts, your unattended member oozing with precum while your balls rubbed against the metal of the cock ring, the accessory feeling tighter with each passing second. You needed your release badly, but the fact it was just out of reach made the blood rush to your cock even more.

“Fuck, you really do feel good.” Rei panted softly, his thrusts getting sloppier as his grip tightened. “Be a good toy and take my seed, m’kay?”

He rolled his hips, and with a shudder his warm load shot out to mix with Natsume’s cum inside of you. He continued to give you shallow thrusts as he rode out his orgasm, each one sending sparks of pleasure coursing through your veins, down to your throbbing member. He sighed contentedly as he pulled out, loving the sight of your ruined hole trying and failing to suck his cum in, leftover sperm dripping out of it.

“Shinkai, you can take your turn over here if you haven’t cum yet.”

“Ah, there is no ‘need’.”

Kanata pulled his cock out of your mouth, and used his hand to stroke his member. You embraced yourself as spurts of cum shot out from it moments later, most of it landing directly onto your face. You sputtered as you felt the sticky fluids drip down your forehead, getting onto your cheeks and chin.

“What an amazing show! A round of applause!” Wataru cheered, clapping loudly. Nobody joined him.

“This was ‘nice’, but I must ‘puka-puka’ now. I feel very ‘dry’.”

Kanata excused himself and exited through the door. Shu got up to follow suit, and soon enough the other Eccentrics had left too, save for one.

“My, they really did a number on you.” Wataru sighed as he walked up to you. Your face and ass were a bright shade of red, not to mention completely covered in cum. Kanata’s seed coated your face and hair, and Natsume and Rei’s cum gathered in a pool between your legs. All the while your erection hadn’t been touched at all, ignored in favor of using your body for pleasure. Wataru slathered some lotion onto your abused hole, and the cooling sensation nearly brought you to tears. Finally, some relief in the aftermath.

“You were truly amazing, dove. I still can’t believe you agreed to all of that! I’m glad things went well, you didn’t even have to use your safety gestures.”

“I almost did.” You huffed. “Sakasaki’s entry hurt.”

“My bad! Perhaps I shouldn’t have let him go first.”

His fingers rubbed against the base of your length, and you whined desperately.

“H-Hibiki, please…” You swayed your hips as best you could while still restrained. “Please. I-I need to cum.”

“Ah, right!”

Wataru was more than happy to stroke your cock, his entire hand easily grasping onto its girth. You wanted to moan just from the smallest bit of stimulation. After two rounds of no relief for yourself, you came immediately just from his gentle strokes. Your cum shot out onto the bench, an excessive amount dripping from your dick as you breathed a sigh of relief. Your cock remained erect however, the ring keeping it from losing its hardness until your balls were emptied.

“My my, you’re still not satisfied even after all of that? Perhaps Sakuma wasn’t far off calling you a whore!”

You wanted to object, but you were too tired to really care. Instead you moaned as he continued to stroke you, the coil in your stomach beginning to twist.

“Hibiki, f-fuck me. I need you.”

Wataru smiled, feeling his own erection growing harder.

“Well, I’m a man of the people. I suppose it’s time for an encore!”

#enstars smut #enstars x reader smut #ensemble stars smut #rei sakuma smut #natsume sakasaki smut #shu itsuki smut #kanata shinkai smut #nsft es!!

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theonevoice · 1 year

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Rumination n. 4 – On Aziraphale, sacrifice and guilt (another bold hypothetical)

I feel like we've been almost only considering the tragedy of the Fall from Crowley's point of view (it's obvious why), but I would really like if in s3 we get to see the battle before the Fall (the big missing event between what we have seen in the s1 and s2 prologues) and learn something about how Aziraphale experienced that moment. So I started wondering what kind of situation would be in character for the two man-shaped entities we know, being at the same time relevant enough to deserve to occupy a prologue (that is, to open our collective third eye about some new underlayer of this millennia-long cursed relationship). And then, one specific thought popped into my empty brain, and I went down a rabbit hole.

One aspect of Aziraphale character that I have never seen discussed per se is his attachment to his identity as an angel. There is plenty of wonderfully insightful takes about how this attachment influences his behaviour (to Crowley and in general), but why is he so attached in the first place? What if there is something other than fear of punishment in his oh so painful obsession with preserving his angelic status? What makes it so precious to him? If Gabriel so readily dropped his role of Supreme Archangel to be with Beelzebub, why is Aziraphale so obsessed? Is it really only a weird metaphore for "class struggle", reminding us that powerful élites get to do whatever they want while the little people must abide by even the stupidest rules?

What if Aziraphale's rank of principality is particularly dear to him for a personal reason? We know that angels get promoted or demoted and not created with a fixed role. What if he earned his during the great war of Heaven? But would the Aziraphale we know be the kind of "soldier" able to win a title in battle?

I think it is not entirely absurd to imagine that Aziraphale didn't want to go to battle at all and was forced to by other angels. That coul explain why in s1 he is, for once, so strong and determined when he tells the Quartermaster angel that he has "no intention of fighting in any war". Consider how remissive he tends to be with other angelic entities throughout the series: he is uncharacteristicly resolute here. It almost looks like he was setting a non-negotiable boundary here.

Maybe Crowley is not the only one traumatized by what happened. Maybe after being forced to go into war, Aziraphale also experienced something terrible, a moment that scarred him forever. What could that be? Here it comes another bold hypothetical.

Maby he and soon-to-be Crowley run into each other and realize they both don't want to fight. Maybe they are on the verge of developing the unfathomable thought of running away together from the battlefield. Maybe they almost try but keep getting separated by crushing waves of opposite legions. Maybe they finally manage to step away from the thick of the fight, but other angels surround them before they can even discuss what to do next. Maybe Crowley is struck by the unbearable cruelty and absurdity of what is going on and decides to protect the only pure, gentle, and actually good angel he knows from harm. So maybe he pretends that Aziraphale just captured him and let them take him away and put him with the other defeated angels. And for his achievement Aziraphale earns a promotion to principality that will forever remind him of that horrific moment, of how he could not find the courage to tell the truth and say something in Crowley's defense.

Maybe this is why he is so obsessively attached to his place in Heaven, because someone he loved sacrificed himself in order to preserve it for him. Maybe this is why he is so fixated on the unspeakable desire to bring Crowley back to Heaven, not just as a compensation for a generic cosmic injustice but as atonement for his own fault.

Maybe this is his side of the trauma.

Maybe this is why, whenever he is in a state of emotional pressure, he tends to fall back on his black and white, "you are the bad guys, we are the nice ones" pattern of behavior. Because actual - clinical - trauma prompts the traumatize mind to deploy self-defense strategies, and if I can convince myself that you were evil all along, then I am not guilty of letting them catch you.

(I still believe it would be interesting if Crowley actually "didn't really fall," but he willingly chose to leave Heaven - but I've already rambled on about it long enough here, and the two scenarios could even be compatible if my math is correct).

Maybe this is also why, when dispatched on Earth, he does so poor of a job (by Heaven's standards, of course). Because trauma also causes self-sabotaging behaviours leaning on the deep unconscious belief that you don't deserve to succeed and never will. How could you ever deserve to succeed if the accomplishment that gave you your very rank of principality - the word that defines who you are in Heaven's books - was a lie?

Maybe this is what makes the dialogue at the end of the Job minisode - and all the other bits of dialogue that he have on the same topic - so dramatic and tragic: Aziraphale needs to convince himself that he is worthy of the sacrifice that preserved his angelic status, and finding himself lacking in that department would activate the most devastating guilt. And even more he needs to convince Crowley of it, to prove to him (even if he probably doesn't remember it) that he didn't sacrifice himself for a fraud. He doesn't need to be an angel because he likes it, but because it was the identity that the angel who hung the stars bought him with his damnation.

Maybe this is why he shows such a pathological conduct about forgiveness and forgiving. Because under all the many, many layers of denial he believes that he is the one that has to be forgiven, but doesn't know how to ask for it, being afraid that he could be, in fact, unforgivable.

It is entirely unsupported speculation, of course, but imagine what it would mean if Aziraphale angelic identity was "stained" by such a gigantic deception, his "original sin," and he spent 6000 years in full impostor syndrome mode, repressing the thought of his unworthiness. Not out of fear of Heaven but out of fear of being a disappointment to the angel that Crowley was once (and that demon Crowley constantly reminds him of). Maybe Aziraphale has spent his entire existence telling himself that he had the duty to repay this enormous, secret debt by being the most irreprehensible angel ever, only to have this plan thwarted by the tempting presence of none other than Crowley himself. The most cruel temptation of all. Imagine being torn between the joy of misbehaving with the entity you love and the duty to be irreproachable, not for Heaven, but for the unspoken obligation that (you believe) this same entity put on you a long time ago.

It would mean that Aziraphale's struggle is not between his love for Crowley and his allegiance to Heaven, but between his love for Crowley and his obligation to (past) him. It would be not "I cannot love you because I am afraid of losing my place in Heaven," but "I cannot love you because if I lose my place in Heaven, I will have wasted your sacrifice and failed you again." It would be the tragedy of renouncing the happiness of being together with the person you love because you convinced yourself that that same person, when he saved your place in Heaven, implicitly gave you a mission that denies that happiness. "I cannot love you because if I do, I will betray you in the worst possible and most unforgivable way." "I cannot love you because you wanted me to be a good angel, and good angels don't allow themselves to love demons." "I cannot love you because you chained me to the duty not to." It would be tragic in the "classical tragedy" meaning of the word, like in Antigone by Sophocles (that Aziraphale actually namedrops in the 1941 flashback), where the main character is torn between two conflicting moral laws and cannot move without infringing on one of the two. But with the extra pain of having both laws coming from the same person and the person in question actively trying to pull you away from that (self-)imposed lawfulness in the meantime.

Honestly, by this point this is more a fanfiction than a speculation, but it would give us an explanation for why Aziraphale decided to take the Metatron's offer specifically after Crowley's reaction to the opportunity of being an angel again (when he leaves the Metatron, he tells him "you don't have to answer immediately. Take all the time you need", which means that he didn't say no, but he also didn't say yes). In this scenario, he is so excited for the prospect of restoring Crowley to his angelic status because he still pins his Fall on himself. The idea makes him so happy not because he wants to be together in Heaven (it's hard to imagine that he wants to go live there or doesn't know that Crowley is not interested) but because this would extinguish his imaginary debt and allow him to leave the cage where he held himself hostage for 6000 years. The cage that prevented him from getting to close to a demon. With Crowley restored as angel, Aziraphale would be "off the hook," and they could finally "go off together." He would not feel chained to his heavenly rank anymore. It's not "come back to Heaven so I will not be trouble by our love," it's "come back to Heaven so you I will be relieved of the duty of being worthy of my rank and be free to be the kind of questionable angel that can love a demon."

It's only when Crowley refuses to go back - and only then - that Aziraphale feels definitely compelled to take the role of Supreme Archangel. If his moral duty to be a worthy angel cannot be erased, it must be paid entirely. And the payment is sticking with the responsibility that he thinks Crowley gave him, to live up to his rank of principality, to do good and, even better, to "make a difference," which, in his mind, would be the ultimate way to honour that never forgotten sacrifice, sacrificing himself in return.

#good omens #go2 #good omens 2 #good omens thoughts #go 2 speculation #go2 spoilers #good omens 2 spoilers #aziraphale #crowley #coping with grief #good omens theory

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facetsofthecloset · 1 year

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Ok now that I’m caught up with RWD s4e7,

(KINDA SPOILERY CHARACTER TALK INCOMING)

I feel like Kyana is rapidly becoming that thing that’s like,

“Oh yeah, everyone deserves grace and space to make mistakes and improve from them!

…

Not me though!! Obviously haha

If I make a mistake I deserve to self-destruct as hard as possible no matter how much it’ll hurt my friends, to atone :)”

Very religious trauma there which fits with the monk part, though I think the thing I’m thinking of with sin and redemption is kind of a Catholic thing? Maybe? I’m Shinto/Buddhist I don’t know shit about that other than pop culture Christianity lol (Also I know Red’s Jewish so probably weird. Again I don’t know shit about this or her personal views though so I’m gonna stop talking about it)

Not that she hasn’t dealt with guilt and assuming the “it’s all my fault” all or nothing attitude before, but definitely prominent in this ep lol

Red has described Kyana’s actions as selfish before (leaving the monastery and specifically Aioni) (am I spelling that right I’m too lazy to look it up rn Austin I hope you haven’t fucked me with your interesting spelling decisions here /j) and I think her desire to hurt the Nautiloid ship somehow instead of fleeing when they had the chance is also a very selfish action that comes from a place of guilt and martyrdom

And I’m pretty sure it’s going to lead to tension with everyone probably but Dani specifically later, which’ll be juicy drama but also incredibly painful lol

ESPECIALLY if one of them dies in the attempt >_>

Good god imagine if Dani dies for good while fighting the master brain or whatever and then Kyana has to later come to terms with the fact that her desire to get out her frustration over being stunned (which I think is the main and most immediate motivator here) for most of the combat led directly to one of her friends dying

I don’t think she’d handle that well and if anything would probably reinforce her guilt complex and need to self sacrifice. Could head into a Kyana Batman dark solo arc 😂

Idk what the spell slot situation is but if I were Dani or VRLA I’d definitely have grabbed her and tried to teleport out somehow (even though I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t work bc of the willing creature clause)

Anyway, just to say, I’m not criticizing Red or Kyana’s decisions at all! Just rambling about my feelings on it bc it’s one of the first major decisions that Kyana has made that I personally deeply disagree with and think is coming from a reeeaallly bad character-flaw-driven place

Which is narratively super interesting! I’m just stressed about the consequences lol

#can’t wait for my big can of CONSEQUENCES next week!#rolling with difficulty #rwd spoilers #rwd season 4 #rwd kyana #ramblings

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docholligay · 1 year

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“We are what we pretend to be. So we must be careful what we pretend to be”

Hello! This is about up to Episode 3 of Yellowjackets, and ONLY episode 3 of Yellowjackets. I have not seen beyond the third episode, at all, and know NOTHING about this show. Please do not spoil it for me. Things that are spoilery in nature, for me, include: saying things like “Just wait!!” confirming or denying anything I put forward, outside information about the cast interviews or creator statements, leading questions like “Do you think “blank moment” means anything?” etc. Remember that Y’ALL HAVE SEEN THE SHOW AND I HAVE NOT. This informs the way you talk about things relating to the show. Just be really careful is all I’m asking. Also: If there is LITERALLY any stance I could take on this show or character that would make you upset, please just fucking block the tag

If you WOULD like to discuss the show and my takes on it, the Discord is right here! I don’t go there, so it’s a great place to get every emotion out.

Please thank @sailorsunspot and @moonlight-frittata for backing this odd way of doing a liveblog, and remember my tip jar is always open

I have never read the Vonnegut novel that quote above is from. I confess to keeping a bit of distance from Vonnegut through absolutely no fault of his own, but because his fans tend to be incredibly insufferable and some of his lines make great tattoos and insta posts for people who read one book a year. If that sounds judgmental, congratulations, you’ve passed the tone portion of the reading comprehension test.

Anyway, I don’t think you need to know the context for the first quote, because on the one hand, it’s what we would call in the literary world: foreshadowing. My immediate reaction was “Oh, he’s the sort of dude who wants you to know he reads Vonnegut” although in full fairness most of those dudes immediately after say, ‘that’s Kurt Vonnegut” so I might be unfair there. But he fits a lot of the profile: he’s young, he considers himself charming, he’s outre and considers himself an individual, all that. And that’s not wrong, maybe. This scene is doing a lot of things at once, it can definitely juggle that.

BUT.

What this is, is the show:

A) Putting a red flag in front of Adam. I have thought Adam was a liar and maybe doing the same shit as the reporter for awhile now, but this confirms it. he’s pretending. This whole thing with Shauna is manufactured and is abotu something that has nothing to do with Shauna, and how the fuck is Shauna going to react when she realizes that this person she’s throwing herself at to make herself feel alive again, this person she’s throwing herself at because she’s tired of fucking the corpse of her love and hatred for her best friend through her husband, who, if he isn’t Jeff the old boyfriend I will eat my fucking hat, this person she feels SOME KINSHIP with, is playing her.

This whole episode is about playing, I think that’s why it’s called The Dollhouse. Playing at adulthood, playing at love, playing at marriage, and also, Adam is playing at seduction.

B) Offering up a thesis statement for the show. All of these girls are actively hiding and pretending to be the thing they are (except, actually, Misty, who has no gift for such things. More on her in her own post, the little scamp. I hate her so much and she’s the greatest character of all time).

Shauna is playacting at being a stay at home mom because she thinks that’s safe, but she’s someone who fucking ate a girl and also participated in the murder of at least one. She is, to go back to an earlier post, a wolf full on masquerading as a RABBIT, because she’s living jackie’s life as a source of atonement.

Taissa is a good upright clean liberal with a nice family, on paper. She’s pretending to be that, and not the cunning and dangerous wolf she is with a child who is either literally or figuratively haunted by the specter of Tai’s grandmother, which I think might be some kind of statement about tai’s interaction with mortality and knowing, but I want to see more show before I come down anywhere on that. Anyhow.

Nat is pretending to be clean when even at her fucking best she was just a dry drunk. “I’m not high, if it matters.” But you’re still arrested. She’s pretending to be a tough girl, when she’s the girl to whom I would most easily affix “pathetic and wet” She’s a fucking sandcastle of a human being, and I actually do not think adult Nat will survive the show though i don’t know the means by which i think that’ll happen the call could easily come from inside the house but I don’t know the narrative place being set well enough to know if that’ll serve it.

ANYHOW. In pretending to be these things, do they risk becoming them? Or is the risk in that, at a very formative time in their lives, they pretended to be a pack of wolves? And so they became it. It seems as if it cannot be unmade.

And Shauna replies with another Vonnegut quote, from a novel i HAVE read: “And I asked myself about the present: how wide it was, how deep it was, how much was mine to keep.”

So Slaughterhouse-Five is about war, and trauma, and particularly the effects of war and trauma on children. I’m really really collapsing the book in on itself, which is a good book, a great book, even if it is one of those books someone reads when they’re fucking seventeen and thinks that’s pretty much it--HOLD ON YES THAT IS THE POINT TOO.

Shauna is smart, but is she just, seventeen smart? Is this response just another of the ways in which Shauna is trapped in the moment of the crash? In the aftermath? Amazing.

Anyway, that quote is early on in the book and for me, though, I last read it probably a decade ago, comes to tie together the notion of time, and how time is like standing in a field of wildflowers, and you could never gather them all, and if you did, it would never be like seeing that field, and that is part of the beauty of human existence, is we can only keep so much of each moment. The present is all around us, and beyond us, and so little of it can stay.

Now, I don’t know if the writers/shauna are seeing it the same way, but her response is doing two things: On a chracter level it’s establishing relationship between her and Adam. She feels CLOSENESS with him, being so equally affected by the same author to offer up a quote in reply. Two, it does, in some way, reply to his quote. If I were going to smack at that pitch, I would say it’s saying, “Don’t pretend to be fine with things, or you’ll become fine with them.” “My present is a fucking marianas trench of complication and even I am not sure what is me anymore.”

And then Adam asks a question I fucking LOVE about confirming a suspicion: “And once you do, will it make you happier?” I think about this a lot. DO people want the truth? I don’t think they do this has not been my observation of human nature. That’s not even a criticism, I don’t even always want the truth, sometimes I would prefer a half-truth or concealment or even a full on lie. I am a very big fan of being honest with ourselves, of being candid. Don’t seek answers you don’t want.

And she says no. And he says ‘You’re beautiful when you’re honest”

And I’m trapped between thinking that Shauna is never honest, not even now, and thinking that Shauna doesn’t even know what it means to be honest, because she is still emotionally processing something that happened to her so long ago that it’s a memory suitable for commemorative coins. Both come to the same end, but they FEEL different to me.

#Doc watches Yellowjackets #Yellowjackets S1 E3 #I'm skipping around a bit but I wanted to finish this one if nothing else before I go #boy I hope you wanted uhhhhh all this

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