#Imagine doubting the impact of teenage girls

[katyjane91]

Whenever I see the sheer love that people still have for My Chemical Romance, the way that they made a single piano note so recognizable, I think of this Cracked article from 2006 and laugh and laugh and laugh

[bruhhhh-huhhhhh]

yooo is there any chance I can request parent headcanons for the safehouse crew (cod: bocw)??? been replaying the bo2 campaign and the Adler is Graves' father theory has a grip on me esp recently now that that mf is coming back

I imagine that Adler is a pretty distant parent, what with work in the CIA taking up most of his time and probably isn't able to see his kid much to begin with after the divorce, no doubt his ex wife has full custody of any of the children they had during that marriage. he's the kind of dad to buy his teenage kid expensive gifts to make up for the times he couldn't be there, usually related to something they were mildly interested in when they were like 7. And that thing is probably one of the only things he knows about them because they ranted about it to him when they were really young and naive. Russ is not as good as vocalizing his affection, but he's observant, and would zero in on any information and likes that his kid has when they express it... It's just that the usually don't with the distance between them. I think he does genuinely care about his child and still wants to show that they appreciate them, but just doesn't know how to properly connect with them on an emotional level, and usually doesn't even have the time. I don't think he'd treat his kid much differently based on their gender, he's still an emotionally-supressed mostly absentee father that his child would kind of just grow to resent as they get older. Adler is the 'he tried' dad. (I hc that Graves his kid is also the most likely to have a wild rebellious teens phase, and he'd kind of just let it happen so long as they aren't getting into any legal trouble because at that point their relationship would be so strained and he's just kinda apathetic about it. I think he's the type that would come home late to catch his kid smoking, and the only thing he'd do is ask why they started and if they know the consequences of it, then promptly asks for one and never brings it up again.)

Hudson, on the contrary, would be the perfect dad. Girl dad 100%, this man has a wife and two daughters (I think, might need to double check this one, but point still stands because I think he'd be good with girls). This man deserves a bo burnham 1985 edit. I think that he's really the type of guy who tries to squeeze in as much quality time with his family even with his work, and is the type to frequently show affection and pride for his children. Jason is completely soft for his wife and children, in contrast to how much of a no-nonsense hardass he is on the job. I am utterly convinced that this is the man who would always play along with his daughter's tea parties when he has tine and would never miss any of his son's games (he'd ask Jenny to record it for him if he's knows he's gonna be on a mission for a long time). I imagine that he really goes the extra mile to be the best role model for his kids, being both responsible and loving even with the limited presence he has because of his job. Hudson is the father figure some us needed in life ngl.

I don't think Mason would be an abusive dad contrary to what most people would take away from the one interaction we see with him and a very young David. I definitely think he'd have some major anger issues though, no doubt that trauma from The Numbers™️ and all the shit he's gone through as soldier and later CIA op would have an impact on him. He would never lay a hand on his own kid, but he's definitely shouted at them pretty frequently and has likely broken objects around them when he's angry. Much more so after his wife's death and being left as a single dad who barely has any idea what he's doing, and the only other person who can rein him in from it is Frank. I think he's more affectionate and less emotionally distant than Adler, but still just not as close as he should be to his child. He'd apologize for his outbursts and all but, being raised with traditional values from the 30s-40s, he isn't really the type to have those heartfelt talks about feelings because men are supposed to be strong and being emotional makes you weak and all that crap. Would be tougher with a son, and stricter with a daughter. Alex would become a lot more understanding and open over time when his kid grows older, and mellow out as an old man and just be proud of how they turned out despite how he was. The anger issues never really dissipates, but he learns to control it and be better for his kid for the remainder of his life. Mason is the dad you'd resent and have so much anxiety over in your teens and twenties but eventually make up with and get closure by your late thirties or so.

Woods would definitely be more of a fun uncle than a dad. More of the tough love type, but will always remind his kid that they're appreciated at the end of the day. But I also imagine he's a lot more reckless snd clumsy, specially as a first-time father. May not be perfect, has his own shortcomings in a lot of places, but he's really trying his best. I imagine that he probably tiptoed a lot when it came to raising David, trying not to yell at him too much and tried to be his anchor as much as he can after he was tricked into killing Alex (and then promptly going off on him when he shows face again after thirty years). Frank would be considerate and very vocal about his appreciation for his kid despite . Woods is the lovable old man that you'd have a lot of funny memories to look back on, and cussing you out is just his own way of saying he loves you.

I don't have as much thoughts on them but I think Park would be very overprotective, especially if she had a daughter. Would shelter her child and be very strict with them, making sure she knows how and where her kid is all the time, who her kid is with, and how safe they are. Would make her child wear a tracker watch and tell her all and any people they meet or see. Madam Shell's betrayal and her brother's death have definitely left a mark on her, and she would excessively worry about them at all times, to the point of it being suffocating and very invasive Lazar is the balance to this, more lenient and lets his kid have a right to privacy and freedom. Sure, he still worries a lot, but he has enough faith in his child to let then go off on their own when they're at an appropriate age. I also imagine that he gives the best best hugs. Sims would be somewhere in between, albeit more leaning on the stricter side.

AHHHH THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO ANSWER I'M SORRY

bUuuuT

i love this idea so I'm gonna do silly little headcannons for it

How the Safehouse Crew treat their kid

Russell Adler

He's absolutely an absent dad

It's not that he does it on purpose, it's just what happens with his job

Russell tries so hard. So hard to be there, but a lot of the time he just can't because of work

If his kid does any sports, you can bet your ass that he's gonna be at any games he can

Now, that's not a lot, but still

Adler absolutely cheers the loudest anytime that his kid does anything

He'll also argue with the refs or umpires about dumb calls

Has been kicked out multiple times

Russell also buys his kid anything that they want

Christmas with him is like out of a damn movie

Presents are practically stacked to the roof and each one is more extravagant than the last

Is definitely the type of parent to dump a bunch of money on his kid for whatever they want

It's his way of making up for barely being around

Has missed his visitation days a lot

Every time he does, Adler sends money and presents as an apology

One time, his kid was staying over at his house because they got into an argument with their mom

He came home late and was met with the sight of his only child smoking cigarettes in the living room

"You know what those do to your lungs?"

The kid just stared for a second before nodding in shock

"Good. Don't be surprised when you get lung cancer. Lord knows I'm already getting close to that. Give me one."

The kid hands over the whole pack, and Adler takes one, lights it, and hands it back. "Don't tell your mother."

On the times that he actually has off and has the kid, he tries to make a whole day out of spending time together

Adler takes them to an amusement park or something, and its just plain awkward the whole time

But, by the end of the day, they're just a little closer

Mainly because they had a heart to heart on the car ride home

They even hugged!

Yay!

And then nothing changed

Boo >:(

Jason Hudson

Girl dad 100%

He's the dad that everyone needs

So supportive, no matter what

Jason does, in fact, have two girls. And, if I remember right, he loves them more than anything

This man absolutely has been caught playing princesses and knights with his daughters by his wife

His favorite thing is to sit at the tiny tables and have a tea party

Loves his kids so much

If he had a son, Hudson would teach him how to throw a football

Definitely would push him to join a sport

If he does, Hudson goes to every game

Just like Adler, he cheers the loudest

If his girls get boyfriends, you can bet your ass that he's going to let them know that he has multiple guns and absolutely knows how to use it

#WillThreatenToKillThem

Jason has to be told by his wife to leave them alone

He only does because he loves his wife so so much and he'd kill for her

Lots of physical affection

Hugs and all that good stuff

His kids definitely won't be touch starved

Is absolutely who they go to first whenever something happens and they need help/support

If he ever catches his kid doing something that they shouldn't, like smoking, he has to try really hard not to yell at them. He pretty much has to walk away to cool off before he can approach the conversation in a way that he wants to

Hudson and his kid are going to have a long talk that ends in a hug and a promise not to do it again

Overall his kids are well behaved and he's a good dad

Alex Mason

My poor boy

I love him so much, anger issues and all

Any time that he screams and breaks things in front of his kid, he calls Woods to come and pick them up so he can take care of things

He always feels horrible after he yells. Alex never wanted to hurt anyone. Quite the opposite, actually. He just doesn't know how to control his anger

Throughout the kids developmental years, he tries his best not to yell or get angry, but a lot of the time he can't stop himself in time

In comes one Frank Woods, who ends up coming over and taking the kid out for ice cream or to the park or just for a drive

He ends up being that cool uncle that the kid goes to when something happens

When he gets discharged (Honorably) from the military, Mason ends up going to therapy

And anger management classes

Only reason he does is because his kid ends up yelling back when he gets angry

And he realizes that he fucked up :(

So that helps him mellow out for his kids later years

Definitely apologizes to his kid for how they were raised

Alex won't over explain or get all mushy, but it'll come up as a simple "I'm sorry for how you were raised," and leave it at that

Will express his feelings through gifts or spending quality time with his kid

If he gets grandkids, Alex will take that as the time to make up for his kids shitty childhood

Best granddad for real

When he's older, he won't mind as much when it comes to telling his kid that he's proud of them

Lots of praise

Frank Woods

HE'S SO BABY GIRL I CAN'T

LOOK AT THIS GIF

Anyway

Definitely the type of dad to pretend that his kid is in trouble and then it turns out to be a prank

He would absolutely do it just like he did in the scene of the gif

Frank wouldn't yell at his kid, more just yell in general

He'll scream over football games, tv shows, dropping something, anything

He does not care

His kid would be used to loud noises by double digits

Woods would absolutely not know that his kid was sneaking out until Alex caught them

He doesn't particularly care, but he's a little disappointed that they didn't ask him if they could go

Instead of yelling, he would sit them down and have a serious discussion

Lots of "You could have just asked," and, "How many times have you done it?"

Basically he'd get his kid to quit because he knows it's a bad habit

I can't remember if he's a smoker or not, but if he is he would go through the process of quitting with said kid

Helen Park

She's kind of a shitty mom, ngl

Park can be good at it when she wants to, but she's got her own shit that he's going through

She can't handle a kid

In the early years, she's a little neglectful and absent

Then she does a full 180 and goes full over-protective mom mode

Trackers, constant phone calls, reassuring messages

The whole nine yards

She'll try her best to stop if her kid says something, but her anxiety is way too high to stop fully

Definitely the kind of mom to apologize through gifts

One fond memory that her kid would have of their younger years is her sneaking into their room and climbing into bed with them

She just sat there and held them, silently telling them how much she loved them

Helen thought their kid was asleep, not awake and hearing everything she was saying

Park definitely let her kid sneak into her bed when they had nightmares or got sick

She secretly loves it and is sad when they stop doing it

Okay that's all I got-

I didn't mean for this to take so long to make

[bwat5-blog]

Pivotal Moments for Jinx

**SPOILERS FOR ALL OF ARCANE**

**Disclaimer: As I stated in my other deep dive on Jinx, mental health is a huge part of her character. With that in mind please be aware I am in no way a mental health professional, and am in no way qualified to speak on proper handling of mental health issues. I am just a fan who like all of you has fallen in love with this story and its characters, and think they are worthy of further analyses**

Before we begin, let me again thank anyone kind enough to read and respond to these. I love learning new insights from all of you and doing these is helping me pretend the show isn't over haha. Because I believe it fits most with Jinx's Arc, I am going to title this one with 3 sections. These titles are all very flowery, don't make fun of me I went out on a limb haha.

Section 1: The Lost Child- The journey of Powder, showing us all the promise she had before her innocence is stolen from her

Section 2: The Fractured Self- The period of struggle between who she used to be and who she has become

Section 3: Embracing The Storm- The beginnings of her inner journey to become who she is meant to be

Section 1: The Lost Child-

The Unification Bridge:

Powder is the very first voice we hear in this story. Small, afraid, and haunting, we meet her hand-in-hand with Vi on the unification bridge, surrounded by smoke and death at the sight of their first of many great losses to come. The haunted and heartbroken expressions on their faces is crushing, but the interaction between them also gives us our first clue into who Powder is.

Vi, like the good older sister she is, is standing tall and holding Powder's hand when we first see them. We even see her making small movements blocking Powder like she is trying to protect her from the horror around them. However, what happens when Vi is finally overcome? Powder IMMEDIATELY hugs and tries to be there for her. It is a loving moment between these kids who are in the middle of something no child should endure. But more importantly for our purposes, it speaks to their bond and Powders love for her sister in whatever way she can express it.

The Heist:

The heist of Jayce's lab is our first moment with Powder after the introduction and immediately we are introduced to a clever, imaginative and sweet young girl. From her faith and trust in her older sister, to her dreams of riding on an airship, to her knowledge of Valdiani we get an excellent first glimpse into who she is after that heart breaking introduction. However, we also have two major seeds planted that will plague this character for years..

Milo- Milo is a teenage boy. He is a kid to and kids say and do stupid things, especially picking on their siblings. And at this early stage of the story its easy to just see it on that level. Powder is younger, she is weaker, Milo picks on her for not being up to speed as a real part of the gang yet. But we as the audience have the gift of hind sight. And we know sadly that Powder's self doubt born from these interactions will poison her in a way that is difficult to overstate

Hex Tech- It is of course during the heist that Powder is first exposed to hex tech even in its rough form. This bright young girl has no idea that what she holds in her hand will one day be what she uses to end the life of Caitlyn's mother, let alone her own family (although on accident). But it is part of the show's overall story of the danger and sinister impact of the arcane that it takes the object of this curious child's wonderment and one day makes it her murder weapon.

The Aftermath of the Heist:

The period of time after the heist leading to doomed rescue of Vander does not spend a lot of time with Powder. However, but there are a few moments that are absolutely worthy of mention in terms of giving us more a look into her character. So we will group them here under one section.

The Fight With Deckard- Vi, Milo and Claggor are in shockingly brutal fight with Deckard and his thugs. During the entire confrontation Powder has been on the sideline holding their loot, until one of the thugs chases her, leading her to toss the loot into the water after a failed use of one of her bombs. This whole incident is foreshadowing into who Powder will become. The crux of the transition from Powder to Jinx is ending fear and becoming strong. I suppose to simplify things, imagine someone you know in life tells you they had a nose job after years of insecurity, now you are being shown tapes of people picking on that person when they were a kid for the size of their nose.

Relationship with Vi- We are treated to a touching moment between the sisters in which Vi reassures Powder, showing her that none of them are perfect and insisting she knows Powder's gadgets will work one day. This foundational belief in Powder's potential becomes a huge factor in their relationship throughout the entire show.

Shooting Range- This is treated mostly as a "you were saying?" moment toward Milo. Milo is continuing to tease and bully Powder before she absolutely destroys him in their arcade shooting range. it's a silly moment mostly played for comedic relief before the Enforcers attack, but it is also again, a glimpse into the transformation we know is coming. Jinx is absolutely lethal with firearms.

The Panic Attack- Our first real glimpse into the darkness in this poor girl. Please don't misunderstand me, I am not suggesting her having a panic attack in this instance is somehow wrong of her, or makes her broken. She is so young, she saw her parents die just like Vi, now she knows Vander has been taken and her whole family is in danger. She wants to go and help. But her reaction is extremely emotional and volatile. She starts sobbing and screaming, hitting herself and almost destroys her monkey bomb when she can't get it to work. We are seeing these deep seated insecurities born of her trauma and from her brothers lack of acceptance in what makes her different. And the truly heartbreaking thing here is that she is not a defiant child. When she realizes it was the stone that caused the explosion her exact words are "I can help them". That's all she wants. And it could not go more wrong.

The End of Powder- Part 1:

This is the beginning of the incident that changed this young girl's life forever. Now, when I say "The End of Powder", I am not suggesting she has an alternate personality form or something. I have absolutely ZERO qualifications to suggest such a thing. I am speaking in terms of who she was, and who she becomes. We see this brave, clever young girl arrive where the only family she has left are fighting for their lives. She has no idea they have broken through the wall. No idea Vander is free. All she knows is that THIS is how she can help. And she does what she can. From the look on her face here and when she first comes to Vi she is so proud and happy, she genuinely believes she saved her family and it is just.. terrible.. We are watching the violent death of what little innocence this child has play out in real time.

The End of Powder- Part 2:

This is whole incident is heartbreaking. It's not Vi's fault. She is a teenage girl who is scared, in pain, and just watched her family die violently for the second time. Now she learns her little sister who she tried leave at home for once TO KEEP HER SAFE, has seemingly caused the deaths of everyone they love when they were seconds from freedom. So she lashes out. Like all people do when in grief and fear and anger. I think its probably fair also to say as Vi considers protecting Powder her responsibility, she is also angry because she is horrified Powder was anywhere near this incident that could have claimed her life (think parents- I'm so glad your okay! Now I'm gonna kill you!" Sadly Marcus takes Vi before she is able to make things right.

So what does that mean for Powder? it means that while trying to process the fact that her actions have caused the deaths of their whole family, she also has to reckon with the older sister who always protected and loved her, striking her (lets be real even at that age Vi hit like a freight train), grabbing her roughly and yelling at her, calling her a Jinx. This poor little girl who wanted so badly to save her family has just had all of her insecurities and fears made real in the worst possible way. Emotionally and mentally she is a massive open wound. Enter Silco.

The End of Powder- Part 3:

Powder never stood a chance. As I stated above, she is as vulnerable in this moment as someone can be. She has lost everything. So even though he has sinister intent in the moment, she latches on to the very next person to show her kindness, and he has a change of heart. What Powder needed after everything she has been through, is healing. Love and kindness, someone to help her through the guilt and grief, time for she and her sister to grieve together and make things right. Instead, she is taken in by a man who much later states he believed the only way to face the harmful forces of the world was "..eliminating those I deemed my jailers". Silco is a complex and broken man, and although I believe he comes to love Jinx in the only way he can, he takes all of her anger and guilt and grief and teaches her to weaponize them, not to heal. Again I am not suggesting She develops a split personality or something, But I believe that in this moment, Powder is destroyed, her name, is Jinx

Section 2: The Fractured Self-

The Fight With The Firelights:

This is our first big introduction to Jinx. She is working for the man who took her in, the man who instigated the event that claimed her whole family. And on the surface, She has overcome the weaknesses she always hated about herself under his care:

She can fight

Her assorted gadgets work to a lethal level

She isn't afraid of anyone- The firelights know who she is before they even see her, suggesting she now has a reputation for how dangerous she has come. Additionally she stands up to Sevika with absolutely zero hesitation.

However, we are quite quickly shown that everything is not so simple.. Even in the midst of proving she has become a warrior in her own right, she uncovers a female Firelight with pink hair. That past she is trying so hard to bury comes out roaring as she sees her sisters face on a total stranger, her resultant breakdown leading to her executing the firelight, and firing wildly with her gun even hitting one of the men on her side in the conflict. We learn during a conversation between Sevika and Silco, and then Jinx and Silco herself that these issues have happened before. Silco's teachings have made Powder jinx strong on the outside. But she is still very much tortured and afraid on the inside.

The Theft of the gemstone:

We are then treated to a much clearer picture of how this young woman is doing. After returning to her hideout we see Jinx is haunted by the specters of her guilt and grief. She sees shadowy images of those she has lost and hears them taunting her. In an effort to prove her strength to Silco, to negate those negative feelings she can't escape, she attacks the upper city, killing six enforcers and stealing a gemstone that would initiate a series of events that's importance cannot be overstated. She has just committed a crime that could have killed her, and did kill several others. And Silco's anger abates when she is shown the gem-stone. The Weapon. The bargaining Chip. Again I don't doubt he loves her. But we are given a very clear glimpse into how she has been taught at his feet.

Silko Drives Her Further Down the Path/ Jinx cracks Hextech:

We are given continuing glimpses into the guilt poisoning Jinx when her attempts to weaponize the hex gem cause a minor explosion and she runs away, crying and saying it was an accident. She is still suffering so badly because while Silco has made her dangerous, he hasn't made her healthy. Silco tries to help her move past them in the way he knows how. He takes her for a baptism in the darkwaters where he himself was reborn. "your strong now, just like you were always meant to be", "Jinx is perfect", "You need to let Powder Die". She is clearly still suffering due to the events of her childhood. But Silco telling her to essentially "just don't worry about it anymore cause you are doing great" is delusional and dangerous for all involved.

Additionally, lets think about this for a moment. As a young girl she was frequently berated for her weakness, for who she was as Powder. Remember I mentioned that even though Milo was just being a teenage boy, these things stick? We are now learning Silco essentially continued to reinforce the idea that all those insecurities Powder had were true and needed to be changed in Jinx. Imagine if Vi had been able to go back to her- "What makes you different makes you strong". I feel like I am getting a little lost in the weeds here on this point so more simply:

A little girl wanting badly to fit in is told she is weak, she needs to be less afraid, she needs to fight and be willing to be hurt.

Her older-sister that she loves and looks up to tries to help negate these toxic ideas, but in a moment of crushing emotional duress lashes out and reinforces all of them. And is robbed of the chance to fix it.

She is taken in and raised by a man who tells her yes. All those things you have been are bad. But if you become this person I tell you to be, now your perfect .

Reunited with Vi

This scene is really quite sad. First of all, even after all this time, whne Jinx finds out about Vi being alive she puts faith in Vi to honor her promise of the flare. She still believes in her older sisters promise to come get her. Vi has spent seven years in isolation being abused and neglected wanting only to come back to her sister. Jinx has done everything asked of her to become the person she thinks she had to become and is OBVIOUSLY ashamed facing Vi. And the really bad thing is that its going well at first. Their connection even after all of this time hasn't been totally severed. Until the arrival of Caitlyn and the paranoia fed to Jinx by Sevika (and later Silco)takes over. All culminating in Vi being torn from her and her being alone. Again.

The Battle on the Bridge and The Suicide Attempt:

Once again we are treated to another example of the mass violence Jinx is willing/able to visit upon those she deems necessary but there is a deeper meaning to this incident.

Talking about Vi and Cait first: Regarding Jinx's interaction with Vi and Cait, Jinx does not attack at first. We see her openly arguing against her darker angels, insisting her sister is not going to leave her. AND SHE IS CORRECT. It is only due to the betrayal by Marcus that Vi turns around. Unfortunately this causes Jinx to spiral in that moment, hallucinating Caitlyn's face twisting demonically and launching a violent attack on both of them. Her actions here are wrong there is no debate. But she is not evil. She is not irredeemable. There is still a part of her that tries very hard to do the right thing and see the truth. But ever since Vander died and she was left with Silco, she has been taught that strength and vengeance and pain were the way forward and she is overcome by that darkness.

Fight with Ekko and the aftermath: Ekko steps in on the bridge and the two former friends (childhood crushes according to LOL lore apparently) have a brutal fight. At it's end, we see a glimpse of who she was once, before she detonates one of her bombs. Now, I have read all kinds of interpretations of this. From the most surface level- "crazy girl does crazy thing" and onward. As sad as it is, I see it as a moment of Lucidity. She knows what just happened. She just killed however many enforcers (I know we aren't really sad about them just considering the whole picture), she tried to kill Caitlyn, but worst of all, she almost killed Vi who she just got to see again. And now she is face to face with one of the only faces left who knew who she was and I think she just wants it to be over

Shimmer:

In terms of impact this literally physically alters her abilities for the rest of show granting her signature speed that impacts every situation we see her in after this. But on a story level, we get a much more heartbreaking point. She is hallucinating all throughout the "Life Saving" procedure. And initially what does she see when she is in so much pain and so afraid? She sees herself and Vi where Vi reminds her she is stronger than she thinks, She apologizes for leaving her, but then Caitlyn's voice enters and the hallucination grow frightening. Keeping in mind that the only reason Jinx has all of this distrust and paranoia toward Caitlyn is because of Sevika and Silco's manipulations, it feels like we are watching that good part of Jinx we know is still there struggling so hard against the poisonous effects of the life she was forced into, and losing.

Taking Caitlyn:

Not a lot to say here in terms of Jinx herself but in terms of the parallel between Caitlyn and Jinx that eventually comes to fruition and in terms of the interactions with Jinx that lead Cait down her own dark path this really important. Jinx has almost killed Caitlyn multiple times by this point but she is back home. She is safe. Until the woman rapidly becoming the face of her nightmares takes her from her own bathroom.

The Dinner Party:

So obviously, this incident is absolutely a turning point in who Jinx is. She has who she was represented in the dolls of her brothers. She has who she thinks she is supposed to be represented in Silco. And then she has the conflict, Vi. She knows Vi loves her. But Vi is also having her own totally understandable struggles with how her sister has changed. And all of the conflict and paranoia and anger have built to this incredibly tense situation. She offers to be be Powder again if Vi will KILL CAITLYN. She gives away the game. Powder would never ask such a thing. When Vi and Silco start fighting for Jinx's soul she is backed into a corner mentally seeing these specters of her dead family while Silco yells his dogmatic opposition to who she was and ultimately it all ends with Jinx making the choice to save Vi's life at the cost of Silco's. And out of penance, she strikes at Silco's enemy one last time. Top side. And I would say it is worth mentioning, that even with everything between them including Caitlyn's threat of violence against Jinx and Jinx's multiple attempts of violence against Vi and Cait by this point, She lets them leave. She doesn't stay around taking advantage of Vi's post Sevika injuries or Caitlyn's emotional distress. She doesn't try to hurt anyone else.

I have presented this information to you in phases. I presented the first section as covering her life until the events of her childhood shatter Power, remaking her as Jinx. The second phase has been the clashing of who she was against who she is. That conflict, that schism in her soul ripping her apart. And although it ends on a dark note I do believe the end of this is the end of that phase and the very beginnings of her learning to be just Jinx and what that means. A murky, dark, despondent beginning, but a beginning none the less. The sun is not always shining when kings are born, no matter what the stories say.

Section 3: Learning to Embrace The Storm

Meeting Isha:

Meeting Isha is the beginning of the clouds clearing in Jinx's mind. When we return to her in early season 2 Jinx has given up. She tells the audience everything is broken, and falling apart. She seems drained. That is until this little spit fire that would change her whole life shows up and jinx starts slowly having no choice but to wake up again.

The Battle with Vi:

So remember although I do consider this the early stages of Jinx finding herself, this stage begins in darkness. Jinx feels totally alone. Then sitting in her childhood haunt, she sees her beloved older sister in the uniform that tore their parents from them (i have done many deep dives on Vi if you want my thoughts on her decision to on the team I'd love for you to read them) It is the last straw for her. I think she has ended the clonflict between herself and who she was, but what does she have left? What is her reason for continuing? Right now, she doesn't have one. And to her, by walking wearing that uniform Vi has announced that aside from jinx's outrage over her wearing it, she believes Vi has given up on her.

This of course leads to the terrible fight in that large chamber. There are all kinds of things that happen here with various characters but we are focusing on Jinx. She has her pre-battle bravado speech of whatever then the fight starts. What I want to focus on is this quote here: "I'm glad its you.. it had to be you". Jinx says that to Vi just as Vi is preparing to finish her, and its like Vi can see her little sister in Jinx for the first time since they first reunited. This show does an excellent job of reminding us of their bond no matter what the circumstances or how dark the context. She doesn't beg Vi to stop or try to lash out at Vi verbally for her part in this. She is happy that if her life is going to end.. the last person she believes loves her is going to do it. That is of course, until Isha interjects and everything goes haywire./

Life With Isha:

"Jinx is dead". That is what Jinx tells Isha when they are discussing the outside world. Zaun is under millitary occupation, the people cry out for Jinx to help. But ultimately, what we are seeing here is a period that HAD to happen to help Jinx start progressing. She has a fresh start in this child and has clearly tried to make good on it. They play games, dye Isha's hair, tell stories and try to follow Vander's teaching and protect the one who looks up to her.

Forced back into the action:

As we all imagine, Isha and Jinx hideaway is doomed to end. Between the political unrest and Jinx being the most wanted woman in the twin cites this was a matter of when not if. But what's most important here to me is that Jinx is taking ownership of who she is, and what her responsibilities are. The starts to fill in the outline of who she is, with something other than grief and pain, even if its only slowly to start.

Her specters try to come back when she learns Isha has been taken but she gets control.

She is working much better Sevika for the good of her people even though they have never gotten along

She frees the Zaunites from the rally at risk to herself. We have that really moving moment where she realizes she means something to these people, as they do to her.

Her Rescue of Isha on top of just reinforcing this adorable bond shows us Jinx changing. She is more than the manic criminal who is ready to die. She feels guilt, and responsibility toward this child she cares for so she as Piltover's most wanted has come to this terrible place and put herself at risk to do the right thing. Even with all the years of pain and loss and twisted emotions, when push comes to shove does she do what Silco would? No. She does what Vander taught Vi to do- "When people look up to you, you don't get to be selfish"

Meeting Warwick/Vander (I'm just going to call him Vander for simplicity):

Before knowing who/what this creature is, Jinx immediately engages it in combat and tells Sevika to run and to get Isha out. She immediately is willing to sacrifice herself to protect her people. Now, I have read some people interpreting this as her wanting to die. I don't see it that way. She only pulls the bomb when she is reasonably assuming she is about to be violently mauled. She heroically risks her life, and is rewarded with what we all have been waiting for... "Powder"

Reuniting with Vi:

Jinx coming to Vi has shocked a lot of people but it didn't shock me. I know there has been so much pain and darkness between them. And right now, Vi is at her absolute lowest. But even through the hallucinations, the violence, the anger and the paranoia, Jinx's love for her sister has come out time and time again. Now, we are a point where due to "breaking the cycle" created by Silco and living her own life for the first time alongside Isha, while at the same time perhaps gaining a whole new perspective on what Vi has been through by taking the child under wing, Jinx has learned something of immense importance to she and her sister and does the right thing with that information. She loves her sister, and Vander's return is the door she is hoping Vi will trust her enough to step through with her, even after all they have suffered.

Saving Her family:

So here I am referring to the scene above and their adventure in the commune until Singed and Ambessa ruin everything. We really are given more of a glimpse into the ways Jinx is maturing while they are underground looking for Vander. We see her caring more for Isha, she compliments Vi even if its a sibling bickering style compliment, and she laments that Vander and Silco could have had peace had the letter been found. Jinx early this season tells us since Silco died her head has quieted. And I think they are showing that well.

Finally we get to Vander's arrival and while being obviously visually stunning it is also very intense. Vi is fighting for her life to protect them while Jinx is trying to figure out what to do as two people (one woman one wolf technically) she loves are trying to kill each other, and ultimately she convinces Vi to take a chance on trusting her. Now, I have written about this in another post but its worth repeating the scene is so wonderfully done. We know that Jinx has to be terrified she chose wrong. By bringing Vi here, she could have got Vander killed. By convincing Vi to lower her gauntlets she could have got Vi killed. The scene with Jinx flicking her lighter to see what happened, and she is so afraid that she has once again brought death to those she loved is just.. it hurts. But her relief and her joy to see what actually resulted, and to be welcomed into the family without judgement, its beautiful. And even though its short-lived and creates new struggles for her, we get to watch this woman who is so sure she is a monster, realize that because of her, her family is together and safe for at least that moment.

Not a ton to say for the commune itself, I would just say it mostly builds on she and Vi's relationship recovering. Vi is trusting her again, and they are facing the potential of being actually happy. Of course this is Arcane.. so see below.

Loss of Isha:

Okay. So as well all know, this was terrible. Not in a "oh that was shitty writing" kind of way although I'm sure some fans feel that way. But in a "how am i supposed to process that" kind of way. I have thought long and hard on this in terms of Jinx's arc, and the lessons she has to learn, and this is what I have come to believe based on my own understanding. To say Jinx has been changing, is undeniable. I stand by my premise that she is in the early stages of finding out what it means to be a person and be Jinx. Not the feral gun-slinger wearing a half-eaten carnival tent for pants with her loud music and snappy comebacks. But someone who can be trusted. Someone who be relied upon. We have been watching her take responsibility, learning to trust others (laying down her weapon at the commune), starting to really care again. But, there are still parts of that negative aspect of her she has been holding on to.

When it comes to Isha, Jinx is replaying her own story. We of course don't the specifics of Isha's origins but lets lay this out:

Undercity child all alone

Gets taken in by dangerous criminal with their own idea of how to show love

Child morphs themselves to fit the image of who their surrogate parent makes them think they should be either through word or deed.

I feel like I have not explained it well, but ultimately as sad as it is and as heroic as the little blue haired hellion goes out, this is all a result of Jinx continuing the cycle without meaning to because that's how generational trauma works. We as the audience know that Jinx's big lesson is building toward "finding the will to walk away". and "Breaking the Cycle". The problem is that without even meaning to, Jinx was teaching Isha to just take her spot on the ride. And we all paid the price to drive that lesson home.

Jinx in Jail:

Here we witness Jinx's "pit-fighter era". Just like her sister, she has fought, and bled, and sacrificed and tried to do the right thing, and come up short. She is picking at herself, her hair is loose for the first time all series, the show makes the conscious choice not to mention Isha out loud lending itself to the unspeakable tragedy of the child's death, and she just seems.. empty. But it is at this lowest point with the flash and the swagger and the persona dropped that we get very valuable insight into Jinx we have not up til now:

There was absolutely a time Jinx would have blamed Vi for stopping for from getting to Isha and been cruel to her. Instead Caitlyn tells us Jinx's 1st and only priority was making sure Vi was safe after Vi used her own body to block the blast

Jinx's apology to Caitlyn is worth so much more than people give it credit for. She and Caitlyn have not bonded for obvious reasons but what many people have missed is that they are both living variations on the same trauma and in need of the same lessons. Children grieving the loss of a parent who were taken and weaponized by someone who should have them helped heal. Not to mention blue-haired marksman. The fact that Jinx owns that it would likely have not stopped her at that moment but wants Caitlyn to know she didn't know is so well done.

Her last lesson from Silco is beautiful as well. Especially considering the truth. This is a lesson Jinx has learned and is walking through in her own mind. "I'm done running in circles", "Killing isn't mercy", "Break the cycle". Now it must be said, that given her attempt to take her own life, we know this all to have a fairly dark meaning when she is going through it. But its the fact that she knows this is all true. The seeds are there. These are massive developments in her as she takes ownership of who she is that allow the change in her when Ekko comes.

Her conversation with Vi gets me every time. She knows Vi will never stop. Vi would fight every enforcer in the building to get her out if she had to. Because at the end of the day what has endured throughout the entire show? "Are we still sisters?.. nothing will ever change that". Even if their bond has strained, changed, or warped at various points. it has always come through in the end. And knowing that Vi will never have the happiness she deserves if she continues to try and save her, Jinx makes the decision to leave and implores Vi to accept the love and happiness she wants for her.

Jinx and Ekko:

So I know this GIF is from the AU, and the AU was before the jail stuff. But in terms of who our Jinx is dedicating a whole thing to the AU didn't make sense because the lessons Ekko learns there have much more to do with who our Jinx might be someday. And that's how he saves her. Jinx has two fundamental beliefs about herself that are the final roadblocks in her realizing she has worth:

"There's no good version of me"

"Everyone who gets close to me dies"

We will deal with number 2 soon. But in terms of the 1st one. This is the moment. She has surrendered, she has given up at this lowest point not caring if she dies, and here comes Ekko. "The Boy Savior" and he uses what he knows about her potential to save her life and give her the will to keep fighting, which allows those lessons that were merely seeds before to bloom in her. "Killing isn't mercy", "Break the Cycle", "I'm done running in circles".

I have seen much made about the fact that Vi wasn't the one to save her and Ekko was. I have explained in excruciating detail in other posts why the Vi haters are wrong about essentially everything they believe, so I won't go there here. All I will say is no one can save everyone. Sometimes its the right person, with the right words, in the right place and time. And Ekko was that for Jinx. Just like she was in the AU to help him save his reality.

JINX RETURNS:

Here we see Jinx fully realized. Not the terrorist. Not the grinning nightmare who stole Caitlyn naked and afraid from her bathroom and offered Vi her little sister if she would only murder the woman she loves. Jinx leads the undercity to battle in her style, honoring where she is from, her sister (Vi's Bunny on the balloon), Isha and more. She thunders in blasting music and unloading on the enemy with a colorful machine gun having finally made peace with who she is and believing that who she is deserves to have a life.

The Sacrifice:

Remember I said we would address Jinx's number 2 worst fear about herself- "Everyone who gets close to me dies". In this moment, after leading the undercity in saving the day, after rejoining her sister and LITERALLY having her back, Jinx makes DAMN SURE that the person she knows never truly gave up on her or stopped loving her makes it out. It is heartbreaking and painful, it is also heroic and beautiful to see this young woman who has experienced so much sorrow protect the person with whom she shares a bond so strong it has never truly faded. If you recall, the very first moment we share with these incredible sisters is one of tragedy and pain. And in that moment we see Vi holding fast trying to be strong for her sister, but what happens when her sorrow threatens to drown her? Her little sister takes her in her arms and tries to comfort and protect her.

I like many of you, believe that Jinx is alive. We have all seen the videos expounding on the reason why. And it makes sense. The end of her story in this show is her moment of accepting herself as she is now and ready to let the crushing guilt and grief that has tortured her for so long go. She knows the only way for she and Vi to have peace is to walk away.. at least for now.. We haven't seen her happy ending because now that she is the person she has been working to become, she is off to find it on that airship.

Conclusion: Yall. Jinx is an incredible character. She is so complex and layered. And I feel like because of the rushed pacing of season 2 we missed a lot of scene fleshing out her development. But as I continue to say we can only work with what we were given. and what we were given will stay with me forever. I honestly felt I was not quite smart enough to do her justice here but if it helps even one person appreciate this character even more I'll call it a win. As i said in the beginning, Jinx's story is so wrapped in mental health i totally understand if you feel I was way off base with something. I just appreciate you reading. Take care.

[bambi-kinos]

I just came across your analysis of However Absurd and thought it was lovely. I'm curious, as someone who thinks John and Paul had some kind of romantic or sexual relationship, what is your take on The Lovers That Never Were? Is he using the word "lovers" to mean "partners"? I have always interpreted it to mean that Paul knows there was something there but it never happened. Every time I start to be convinced that they were together in some way I think of this song and the devastating way Paul sings it in the demo and the heartbreaking fact that he still felt it that intensely 13 years after John's death.

Oh wow thank you! The server had a lot of fun discussing that, if it's good it's because I had a little help from my friends heheh (─‿‿─) ♡

I ended up writing a massive novel in response to all this so I hope you enjoy reading it heheh. For server members, I've pulled some quotes from my previous Discord essays on this topic so you'll see some stuff that you've read.

tl;dr - I don't think "The Lovers That Never Were" contradicts the secret relationship theory at all! I think it compliments it very well actually.

In order to get into All That, I will outline how I perceive what their relationship was built on and how they reacted to it. I should note that I don't consider this definitive. It's important to remember that we all have unique interpretations of John and Paul because of our experiences and our personal POVs. There is no single answer until Paul decides to tell us what happened and/or Sean publishes John's diaries (written and audio). Until that happens, we are all forced to look at the same material and draw our own conclusions which will naturally be shaped through our personal perceptions. Some of us are older and are much closer to the original culture that John and Paul were raised in; some of us are younger and grew up in a much more LGBT+ positive environment. This naturally has an impact on how we interpret John and Paul's relationship.

I say this because I know my POV on John and Paul is a bit different from everyone else's. I'm a historian by training but part of being a historian is the understanding that you will never fully understand the events as they happened because your personal viewpoint and inherent bias is simply too strong. But that's okay because this is a part of humanity that we all share, yeah? With that understanding LET'S GO!

Paul My view on Paul is that he's always understood that he's different from other men. I doubt he could put a name to it until very recently. Paul has synesthesia, he's bisexual, he connects to music in a savant-like way, he's neurodivergent which is why he takes criticism so hard, and all of that would still be true even if he didn't have left over emotional issues from his mother dying the way she did + his fraught relationship with his father.

Keep in mind that circumstantial evidence points to the idea that Paul orchestrated the meeting at the fête! He realized he had a mutual friend with John in Ivan (who is to say that he did not meet Ivan at a QM performance and had that mental realization there?) He went through Hot Girl Summer before and after the fête, wanting to be fucking fit so that he wasn't embarrassed to meet John! I did the same thing when I had a crush as a teenager!

So with all that in mind, imagine this: you're Paul McCartney. You met John Lennon barely a year after Mary died. You turned 15 on June 18th, 1957 and met John at the fête on July 6, 1957. At some undetermined point before this garden party you saw a beautiful boy on the bus and began riding it obsessively hoping the Teddie boy would get on it. You followed him to the chippie and stood in line behind him…allegedly because you thought "oh wow he looks so cool." Marky Mark thinks (and I agree) that you may have even followed John to at least one Quarry Man show before the fête. Is this 'normal' behavior? Or is this the unhinged behavior of a teenager with a massive crush? The kind that comes about when you see a cute boy with red hair, and red is the color you associate with happiness, and then you find out that he plays guitar just like you and you follow him around until you see one of his performances and he's so good he knocks you back and then someone says "hi Paul, I didn't know you liked music!" behind you. And you realize that it's your friend and that you can meet the boy you have a crush on through this friend. You just need to lose weight and grow your hair out first.

When did Paul first see John, anyway? Before he turned 15 I'd wager.

I submit the idea that Paul has been in love John Lennon for his entire life. It will be 67 years of love when this July 6th rolls around. John was making a name for himself, he was known around town as "that Lennon." A minor celebrity like we’ve all had in our hometowns. Paul loved music. Before the internet you would go to the town square to hear a band.

Paul did that. Saw John. Pursued him with intent. When John went to Gambier Terrace to be with Stuart, Paul made a nuisance of himself showing up at their parties and playing the proto-version of "Michelle" in front of the girls…and John.

I love you, I love you, I love you That's all I want to say Until I find a way I will say the only words I know that You'll understand

I don't think that a 15 year old Paul McCartney would explicitly label his feelings for John as 'love' or a 'crush' but I do think that's what happened. When you're a teenager, a crush can express itself in many different ways. I used to have a big crush on a girl who was a volleyball player at my junior high school…that expressed itself as intense admiration. I even told one of my friends that I thought she was 'really cool.' It wasn't until later that I realized that I had a crush on her.

But I think that Paul has always known that he's 'different' and that he wasn't like other boys while growing up. Part of his touchiness about his looks comes from being bullied but I also think that he's a lot more self aware than he pretends to be. I think he realized relatively fast how he felt about John (maybe once John picked up with Stuart and Cynthia at art college.) I think he carried that with him for years hence his anguished response to being jilted in Hamburg and how furious he was at John for running off to Spain with Brian. He didn't realize it immediately but once it sticks to you then it fucking sticks. I think that Paul has done a lot internal wrestling with being a bisexual man and what that means for him and that he has been wrestling with it for decades. I think he was fully in the grip of that wrestling as he and John's friendship began growing and Paul realized what was happening to him. He does enjoy women but I also think that he felt it was necessary to pursue them heavily as a young man to camouflage himself.

I don't think a day has gone by since 1957 where Paul has not known what he was. What exactly that means for him…is up for interpretation. That's where the gray area is. But IMO Paul has almost always known that he's sexually attracted to other men and that John woke this in him. The big question for Paul is what he should do about it.

John There's been a lot written about John and his sexuality that I won't rehash here but truthfully I think John was in a similar place to Paul in knowing that he's always had a sexual preference for other men. John was a lot less comfortable about it though. Having unprotected sex with his girlfriends was, IMO, John trying to subconsciously engineer a situation that would "fix" him via an accidental pregnancy necessitating a marriage.

Of course that didn't do anything because it never does. John still felt chemistry with Paul when they met at the fête, with that quote about them "circling each other like cats." IMO John felt something immediately -- it's not entirely clear what -- though I don't think it "love at first sight" like with Paul. IMO their friendship, while still rooted in that chemistry, developed very naturally for John and he got to enjoy a platonic relationship with Paul before he put it all together. I say this because John saw Paul as a kid, not a peer, and that this endured for their lives in Liverpool pre-Hamburg. I struggle to imagine John or Paul deliberately inciting sexual or romantic contact during that time period aside from the group wank sessions (which were really trolling sessions from John.) Like, when Julia died, John went out and sought peers at art college like Cynthia and Stuart, other students his age. John and Paul bonded over losing their mothers and Paul has that quote about pranking people with the "oh yeah…my mum's dead thanks <3" bit but it also seems like John didn't want to be around that all the time. He lost his Uncle George and then his mother, he was starting to think that he was a death-curse on men in his family and that he brought suffering with him. He wanted to be away from that so he took a vacation from music to get a chance of scenery. Which meant putting Paul in a place of competition with Stuart and Cyn but I don't think John was thinking of that initially (though he exploited the situation later.)

Then Hamburg happens and they run wild. I have an entire meta about this that you can read here but I genuinely think John did not see Paul as a full fledged adult and potential sexual partner until they were in Hamburg in the red light district. I think that something happened there that we don't know about, that it's tied up in Stuart deciding to be with Astrid, John jilting Paul, Paul saying "fuck you I'm done" and getting a job at the coil winding factory in Liverpool after being deported, John tracking Paul down and spending weeks (probably) groveling and then giving Paul an ultimatum to come back to the Beatles. All of that screams 'I just realized I'm in love with my best friend and I'm freaking the fuck out' to me lmao.

John and Paul Of course something else changed after that too and John and Paul ended up becoming so close that even the Liverpool squares around them noticed. I think that whatever was going in their relationship, it started here. In the place where John and Paul were equally distraught with each other, the future of the band was uncertain, and Paul wanted a sign of commitment from John so that he didn't feel like he wasted years of his life. And of course John always felt compelled to be the man Paul wanted him to be so he treated Paul to a vacation in Paris which was so life affirming for them that it stayed with them for the rest of their lives. IMO the Paris vacation was explicitly romantic for them.

I think a switch flipped in 1961 and they went from "messing around" to "there's something there." It erupted in Paris and they showed each other more understanding and care then they expected from each other. John did sexy pin up poses for Paul in a bed that they shared; John remembers how the French held each other in their arms and just kissed each other, lovingly; Paul felt that he discovered the answer and that all those big name philosophers had nothing on the self realization he came to inside himself. Paul even took a photo of John that high lighted his package! Thanks to @louiselux for pointing this one out:

The thing was all the kissing and the holding that was going on in Paris. And it was so romantic, just to be there and see them, even though I was twenty-one and sort of not romantic. But I really loved it, the way the people would just stand under a tree kissing; and they weren’t mauling at each other, they were just kissing. — John Lennon, Playboy interview 1980

“We were like Paris existentialists. Jean-Paul Sartre had nothing on us. Sod ‘em all - I could write a novel… It was all inside me. I could do anything now.”

Paul McCartney, Anthology

Something happened in Paris and it wasn't just them getting haircuts and John buying Paul milkshakes. There was commitment there. And then the spell comes over them again when they return in January 1964:

The first night, John and Paul stayed in their suite, listening to records and reading fan mail. George, who had been signed for 100 pounds a day by the Daily Express to write of his experiences in Paris, went to a nightclub in the Place Pigalle.

Back in the City of Light, John and Paul slept till three o'clock in the afternoon. That much everybody agreed on.

Quote by Vincent Mulchrone from Daily Mail: George Harrison was astir early, but John Lennon and Paul McCartney slumbered on until frantic photographers forced them at lens point into the Champs-Élysées.

Derek Taylor (a British journalist) wanted to know why the Beatles slept so much. "My office wants to know what they're doing in Paris, so they'd better be doing something."

Love Me Do by Michael Braun

But I know what you're thinking. "What the hell does this all have to do with these two songs?"

And my reply is to keep a few things in mind:

Paul takes criticism and slights incredibly hard, possibly overreacting in some places and letting them overwhelm him mentally.

He never got over Barcelona, he never stopped resenting Stuart and Brian, he never got over John pulling the rug out from under him regarding the order of their names in the song credits. He contemplated committing suicide by smothering himself while he was in Scotland recovering from John leaving him.

John Lennon had a baby with a woman in the middle of all this. Julian Lennon was born April 8, 1963, conceived in July 1962, less than a year after Paris.

However Absurd & The Lovers That Never Were I listened to "However Absurd" and "The Lovers That Never Were" in that order. My immediate reaction is that these are both the same kind of song: they are both expressing sadness and frustration with John. This is a common theme with Paul's post-1980 John songs. What I find interesting is that they depict different though related gripes regarding John. In "However Absurd" Paul is expressing his longing for a cottagecore fantasy romance with John and then expressing frustration at John mocking him for it:

Ears twitch, like a dog Breaking eggs in a dish Do not mock me when I say This is not a lie

But in "The Lovers That Never Were" Paul expresses a different gripe: frustration that John won't commit to him and "anticipating" the break up that he secretly knew was coming ever since 1963 when John abandoned him and his own son to play patty-cake with Brian in Spain:

I hang patiently on every word you send Will we ever be much more than just friends? As for you, you sit there playing this game You keep me waiting

When all of the clocks have run down All over the world We'll be the lovers that never were

For as long as the sun shines in somebody's eyes I believe in you baby, so don't tell me lies For as long as the trees throw down blossoms and leaves I know there will be a parade of unpainted dreams

And I know dear, how much it's going to hurt If you still refuse to get your hands dirty So you, you must tell me something… I love you Say goodbye or anything

All of the clocks have run down Time's at an end If we can't be lovers we'll never be friends

John's penchant for disregarding Paul's feelings and even weaponizing them against Paul; the dashing of Paul's cottagecore dreams that were made and solidified in Paris; the fact that John, no matter what his intentions, could not get his shit together and commit to Paul no matter what he may have felt. These two songs are not contradictory to one another. Paul's idea of "commitment" looks very much like what he had with Linda and John in 1967: sharing a home, sharing a bed, being together every day, preferably somewhere green and remote. Exclusivity. Remember that Paul deliberately sabotaged his relationship with Jane Asher by nailing a woman in their bed when Jane came home, knowing perfectly well that he was breaking their exclusivity agreement.

That IMO, is what makes someone a lover and not just a friend you have sex with and secretly pine for. No cheating, or at least your agreed version of it. No disrespecting the relationship. Continuously being together. What did John do instead of this?

I think that Paul started out his "relationship" with John carrying high hopes and then watched them crumble to dust, over and over, because John simply did not take him seriously. He got Cynthia pregnant, he ran around on Paul with Brian, he had the nerve to flip out on Jane Asher when Paul brought her around when he was the one who couldn't stay faithful to Cynthia.

My hot take is that these songs demonstrate that Paul simply could not imagine John ever truly committing to him and treating him as a true partner. The homophobia and yes ~society~ is in there too but Paul was happy to flout this when it came to just about anyone else, traipsing all over France with Fraser and Mal. The difference is that he flat out didn't trust John. Being jilted for Stuart in Hamburg loomed too big in his head. Cynthia and Julian loomed too big in his head. Brian and Barcelona, realizing that John would happily betray whatever agreements or understandings he had with Paul simply to screw Paul out of a deal, loomed too big in his head. I think in particular its Barcelona that made Paul think John didn't value any of their professed ideals. John broke Paul's heart years before Yoko came along.

He didn't trust John. Fatalism is easier than taking control of your own life sometimes, and in Paul's mind there was no reason to believe John was genuine. Like, Paul knew John very well! He had very good reason to think that John was simply not serious about him. And John, no matter what his intentions were, proved that correct over and over and over and over.

So ultimately, I think that's what these songs are about. The melodies don't necessarily reflect this when I listened to them but I think that "The Lovers That Never Were" in particular is juxtaposing bitter wink-and-nod lyrics with an oddly perky tune. It's Paul laughing at himself for ever thinking John was willing to commit. He's mocking himself because while he allowed himself to get swept up in the dream of a possible genuine relationship with John, he knew deep down that it would go the way it did. That John would find a reason to get tired of him and abandon him. And then when Yoko came along, that's exactly what John did. Paul fatalistically accepted that the time had come and John met Paul's low expectations of him.

The Weight I don't think John and Paul necessarily planned to have a secret relationship. It seems more like they bundled the sexual/romantic stuff into their "thing" where it was just part and parcel of who they were and what they did. "It's only gay if the balls touch" etc. At some point that changed but Paul became convinced early on that it wouldn't work out so he didn't acknowledge his own secret desires and dreams. There was no roadmap between him and John about where they were taking this exactly and how they were going to make it work. He had sex with John and even engaged with romantic actions with John, hoping against hope that something would change and he would be proven wrong, but then John would be careless and Paul would collapse into hurt.

And oh yeah: Paul never, ever discussed any of this with John Lennon. He never told John how hurt he was because he didn't want to put up with John's derision. He felt devalued and lost and in typical Paul fashion he chose to ignore this for years and never bring it up, forcing it to come out in bizarre nonsensical actions when he inevitably boiled over. Why would he choose to confront it? He made sure to set up several safety nets to catch him! Jane and the Ashers, striking out on his own with "The Family Way" score, rubbing John's face in his escapades with other males as a way to go 'see, I don't need you just like you don't need me. How about THAT?'

I don't think John ever intended to hurt Paul as badly as he did. He thought that if Paul was upset about something then he would know via their ~telepathic connection.~ I think that he deliberately overlooked warning signs because he felt intensely guilty about certain actions he took (God only knows which ones) and that he helped himself not see Paul's hurt. I do think if he had the slightest idea of what was going on in Paul's head then he would have changed tactics immediately out of fear of losing Paul forever. But at heart John was a coward and if he didn't want to see something was wrong then he wouldn't see it unless something forced his hand. Like say, having his former best friend/ex-lover look him in the eye and go "I can write new songs" and kill The Beatles in a court of law. (And of course once he realized what he had done, years after the fact, it was too little too late. He couldn't take it back. How do you make up for inflicting that much hurt on someone that you supposedly care for? This paralyzed John for years.)

This was obviously a huge mistake and I think it was one of the landmines that blew their relationship up. Paul allowed his distrust and bitterness to overwhelm him. He should have been honest with John about his feelings; maybe not immediately but when they were able to look back with some perspective. Paul should have realized that their relationship could take heat. He should have trusted John more and if he had then John could have risen to the occasion. Everything could have been different. No more "I believe in you baby, so don't tell me lies." No more "Do not mock me when I say/This is not a lie."

He even expresses this in a third song, one that IMO puts this entire thing into perspective and ties these three songs together with a neat bow. "This One":

Did I ever take you in my arms, look you in the eye Tell you that 'I do?' Did I ever open up my heart And let you look inside?…

Did I ever touch you on the cheek Say that you were mine, thank you for the smile? Did I ever knock upon your door Try to get inside?…

Please take note of the bolded "Tell you that 'I do'!" Paul's deepest regret with regards to John is not trusting him more. He wishes that he had opened up to John about his hurt and how he angry he was that John was devaluing their relationship. That he wanted to commit to John but that he was scared John wouldn't say 'I do' back.

From John's POV he's just being John; he's looking out for the band. God knows he tried to be what Paul needed him to be but he got mixed signals and inconsistent behavior and Paul's ice queen behavior frustrated him to no end. This resulted in an endless circle of "fuck you/no no no, fuck YOU/well fuck you then!/fuck you" that ended up killing what they had.

But John is guilty in this too. He never made himself accountable to Paul. He didn't explain his actions. He acted rashly and selfishly and then was shocked when it blew up in his face. He didn't consistently act like he loved Paul. He took Paul for granted and told himself that he was doing the right thing, because changing your behavior is very very hard. He didn't let Paul in when it mattered.

Did you ever take me in your arms Look me in the eye, tell me that 'you do?'

As Paul grew up and he started to come to grips with the "What happened" of it all, maybe he realized that he had procrastinated. That he put off what mattered most because he couldn't bear to make himself vulnerable as a young man. Maybe he was waiting for a perfect moment to open himself up to John knowing perfectly well it would never arrive, a common delaying tactic for insecure and avoidant people. Not admitting that the perfect moment would never come and that he had to extend trust to receive it in return.

If I never did it, I was only waiting For a better moment that didn't come There never could be a better moment Than this one, this one

I think he's still angry at John for multiple betrayals, slaps to the face, and devaluing the specialness of their relationship and their affection for each other. But I also think that Paul is angry at himself for not trusting John, for not working harder at their relationship. He also delivered multiple betrayals and slaps to the face to John, feeding John's insecurity and fears of abandonment. Making a mockery of their relationship and how special it was. Paul has been doing public penance for this ever since John died, which snapped everything into perspective and he finally realized the full scope of his own screw ups.

Because it took two to destroy a relationship this intense and this special. If Paul did not know that before...

Well. He does now.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

To Cry Uncle

🐦‍⬛ Alright, alright, let's get this show on the road 🐦‍⬛

Does Two of us make a Murder of Crows? … Or an Unkindness of Ravens?

BAM!!

The door slammed open, rattling the attic from its impact. Scattered papers shook, and even the inky letters spilled onto them seemed to tremble too.

A man in a top hat and feathered cape barreled in. From her writing desk, a girl cloaked in the same sleek, dark feathers bristled and set down her quill.

"U-Uncle?! Don't scare me like that," Raven gently chided him. "You could have at the very least considered knocking before barging in unannounced."

It was something which the headmaster of Night Raven College made a habit to do. Lectures, labs—he arrived whenever he pleased, then disappeared just as quickly. Some called him a whimsical genius (well, usually it came from his own mouth), but most called him mad and unpredictable.

But today he wore a frown instead of a smile, was less bird-like and more pitiable kitten drenched in the rain. Dragging out a sigh and a sob, Crowley threw his arms around Raven. His talons dug into his mark, the other hand woefully stroking her hair—hair which would have dampened if he had released any real tears.

"Raven-kun!!" he cried out, “Oh, it’s awful! Dreadful! The most preposterous thing happened to me on my morning stroll. You’ll hear me out, won’t you, my dear niece?”

Awful? Dreadful? Preposterous? More awful, dreadful, and preposterous than the slew of Overblots that had plagued their once-peaceful academy? She had her doubts, but entertained him nevertheless.

"… Alright, what has got you so out of sorts?" Raven asked wearily. (Her question came out muffled, on account of being pressed against her guardian’s chest.) She had learned to be patient with him, but prepared for the catastrophizing.

Perhaps the cafeteria ran out of his favorite meat pies. He’s been looking forward to that all week.

“I found a gaggle of students skipping class!” Crowley burst out, breaking their hug. Exaggerated distress turned his voice into a trill. “On Main Street, of all places! Before the very eyes of the most venerable Great Seven! They would surely be heartbroken to know that the children of today sullied the good name of Night Raven College!”

Raven tried to nod understandingly and pat his back. Quiet methods of coaxing him to let it all out

“Of course, I did my due diligence as headmaster of this esteemed institution and confronted the boys at once,” Crowley continued—puffing with a pinch of pride at the mention of his status before soon deflating. “Ooh, but I was so rudely rebuked!! The students ignored my very reasonable plea to return to class, then proceeded to ignore or insult me—ME!! Their beloved headmaster!

"Belittled and bullied by my very own pupils…" He sniffed loudly. "It’s a cruel fate, but someone has to discipline ignorant, misbehaving children--and so it fell upon my shoulders! I unleashed my Lash of Love upon them and deposited the hooligans back in Professor Trein's lecture!"

"You did what you could to resolve the situation, Uncle," Raven replied, her words carefully stroking his ego. "You are ever so magnanimous."

"I am, aren't I!" Crowley agreed. "Alas, a teacher's work is thankless! What has come of the younger generation?! And what have I done to deserve this kind of treatment? All I've ever done is work tirelessly to ensure that our Night Raven College provides high-quality education!"

"Well... You don't exactly command authority with your attitude or how you carry yourself. Truly, when most picture the archetype of a 'headmaster of an arcane academy', they tend to imagine someone... different. If you want to be perceived differently, it may help to present new parts of yourself to the students."

Like maybe actually doing your job instead of delegating tasks to teenagers and having them solve all your problems..

"Show them your strengths and good points," Raven suggested, "traits worthy of respect."

Crowley's beady, golden eyes suddenly lit up. They bore into Raven from the pitch-black holes in his mask.

"That’s it!" he declared, perking up. “If I’m to garner respect, I ought to try and demonstrate the true breadth of my kindness. Perhaps then they will take note of the power hierarchy and bend an ear to my commands!”

“Er, that’s not exactly what I meant…”

Crowley swept away from her, beginning to pace back and forth. A finger curled at his chin, his mind set in deep contemplation.

“The issue now is, how will I appear approachable to begin with? My visage is far too grand to tamp down, and I’m afraid my decades of wisdom are useless against accusations of being ‘old’ and ‘out of touch’!!“

Those comments really hit him hard, huh…

“Have you considered taking up a hobby instead of fixating on public opinion? It just may help you clear your thoughts.” Raven gestured at her desk. “I myself partake in writing as an outlet.”

In an instant, the headmaster was at her side. He nosily peered over his niece, practically leering down at the contents of her papers.

Stories that started with Once upon a times and then diverged, walking along a multitude of paths to endings yet to be determined. Heroes and villains and the people that supported them, coming together in grand casts. New places, new experiences, new feelings.

Connections, ways of bridging the gap between hearts.

“H-Hey…! I never said you could look. These are private projects,” Raven protested, hurrying to cover up her scripts.

Too late. A giddy shine had already risen to the headmaster’s eyes.

Oh no. I know that look!

“Dearest Raven,” Crowley cooed, a clawed hand finding its way onto her shoulder, “how generous of you to lend your assistance to your sad old uncle! Fufufu, it appears as though the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree!"

"What are you on about now?" It slowly dawned on her, and she paled. “Don’t tell me…”

"This is the solution for my... I mean, our predicament!" Crowley lifted a paper and a waved it around like a triumphant flag. “Written word has the power to influence. With your help, we can conduct an interview, spread stories of my great kindness and power, sway the consensus!”

Ah, a coordinated PR strategy. Raven frowned. His usual fallback.

The trick would work on most people beyond the campus grounds, but not on the students within. Not when there was already a narrative in place: the tale of the carefree, bumbling, useless man at the helm of the school. Pitiable, easily kicked around. And there was some truth to it--truth that could only be twisted so far before it fell into the realm of outright fantasy.

Most did not realize how truly frightening a man cloaked by the shadows could be.

“I understand wanting to spruce up your image, but there is only so much that can do for you. People will believe what they want to believe, regardless of what new information is presented to them."

Raven sighed, picking her quill back up and dipping it in an inkwell. Rich black fluid, darker than the darkest night, rose up into the nib. She offered the writing implement to her guardian, who stared at it in confusion.

"If you want their views on you to change, that is something you will have to earn for yourself. The words must come straight from its source and be genuine."

“Raven-kun…”

She pressed the quill into Crowley’s palm.

From here on out, the story is up to you.

[ewanmitchellcrumbs]

hi darling ange, kinda needed the safe space your blog gives me to kinda vent a little today.

ngl as much as I'm wrapped up in getting ready to move next month, the recent election news has filled me with so much fear and anxiety. I'm afraid for my family that lives there- my aunt, and my cousin is just a girl, she's only 11, and the next four years as she grows into a teenager she's growing into a country where it's so obvious they hate women and girls. I literally burst into tears because I'm just so scared for them. I'm trying to have hope, to hold to the belief I always have when times get difficult and tell myself that things can't always be this way, at some point, things will change, get better, because nothing lasts forever. And I still believe that, I just pray the damage done isn't as bad as what's in my head. Not to mention the far reaching international consequences of this also.

My heart's really with them, and all the women and girls in the US right now. They don't deserve this- none of the communities that are already being impacted and will no doubt continue to be impacted do.

-🦋 anon

Hi, my love!

My heart goes out to you. I can only begin to imagine how terrified you must be feeling. It’s not simply a difference and divide in political opinion, as Trump is not representative of Republican ideals, he is a literal fascist. The fact that so many people have taken to the ballots and chosen hate is astounding to me. Take the time you need to grieve, you are allowed to, your feelings are valid.

However, take comfort in how close the vote was! For as many people that voted Trump, there are almost as many that voted Harris, and those people won’t simply go away because that leathery, old bigot will be back in the White House in a few months time. People will continue to fight for the rights of women, minorities, LGBTQ+ and disabled people, immigrants, etc.

Love will win. Good will win. It always has. Your cousin will spend her teenage years under Trump’s administration, but I also hope she will spend it inspired by the enduring strength of those around her and the lengths people will go to to help and protect each other. She will grow into a more compassionate and caring adult because of it, especially when she has you for a cousin.

Sending you love and strength. You will be okay 🫂💕

[librosamarillos]

Can I ask you why you portray Rhaenys in such a way in your fic? I really enjoy it all, don’t get me wrong, but her portrayal feels a bit off.

Thank you so much for your question! The short answer to this is that it’s supposed to feel off and one sided!

To further expand on that, we see Rhaenys through the PoV of other characters, but we never get to be in her own head to figure out who’s got it ‘right’ about her. For example, Aegon and Visenya both have a vastly different image of their little sister and her personality, despite the fact that they grew up together and conquered Westeros.

We see Rhaenys through the eyes of a grown up, very hurt Visenya, who clearly has a lot of unresolved issues with her sister (and Aegon too) and through her thought process we can see all her built up frustrations through the years. Little siblings have a way of getting under your skin like no other, don’t they? So through Visenya’s lens, Rhaenys appears as an annoying, spoiled and unthoughtful little girl. She has moments where she mentions a time when things were good between them and she misses her sister, but even years and years later, she has a lot of unprocessed emotions. (We will see them get processed eventually, I promise!)

Now, I’ve only given Aegon one PoV chapter, and it was the one where he dies, and even that I was highly debating to not include at all, but ultimately decided to go for it. Aegon is arguably this fic’s antagonist, as his actions are what kickstart Maegor’s downward spiral for the worst, so naturally he’s quite an unsympathetic character in this. His view of Rhaenys is the one closest to canon sources we have from Fire and Blood, so I won’t expand much on that. He views her from a lens of love, though in his chapter, he does grow to feel a lot of guilt about it when it came time for him to face the fact that he pretty much abandoned Visenya and just didn’t want to see it.

Maegor has no sympathy for his aunt, there’s no love lost here. It’s a great indication of how the relationship between the two sisters fell apart, as Visenya did not like to talk about her much to her son. In Maegor’s early chapters when he’s a young kid and teenager, there’s a lot of anger and resentment toward Rhaenys, who’s pretty much a total stranger to him. She does go out of her way to avoid him when she’s in the same space as him, so for Maegor that’s a loud and clear sign. He already has this non existent relationship with his father, yet he yearns for it so much. So imagine what it’s like to finally go see his father, only to see him love and dote on Rhaenys and their son, all the while tolerating Maegor and his mother. Of course he views Rhaenys as nothing pleasant and good, and in comparison to his own mother, he views his aunt as someone weak and foolish, who died in vain.

Then there’s Aenys, who of course sees her as his loving mother who was taken from him too soon. I’ve made it so that he’s in his early teens when she dies, instead of a toddler like in canon, so that Rhaenys has a much bigger role in his life and leaves a much deeper impact. So her memory is very much alive through him, and the fact that she’s no longer here to meet his own children really hurts. So of course when Maegor goes low and hits him where it hurts, things don’t end well. I’d like to point out that his idolisation of his dead mum, really mirrors Rowan’s, doesn’t it? ;)

Finally, we see Rhaenys from the PoV of two highborn Westerosi ladies, Rowan and Ceryse, who met her when they were both young, Rowan a child and Ceryse a teenager, but both make the observation that Rhaenys’ kindness felt empty and performative. To give her the benefit of the doubt, these two girls are essentially born and raised to be the top of their societies and a huge part of their culture is the Faith of the Seven, which both Ceryse and Rowan are devout believers in. Both girls have a history and background of being involved in charity, so of course they’re able to spot who’s in it for the clout. They both are able to see through the act and understand that Rhaenys is trying to soften up the image of the harsh Conquerors, to people who care about the little guy.

This could very much be true, she could care about them and it doesn’t need to be fake, but it is absolutely a performance of kindness. She needs to show to everyone that house Targaryen is not only about fire and blood and war. But to the two young girls who can see through it, it feels fake and disingenuous, therefore making Rhaenys untrustworthy to them. Both reach the same conclusion too, that they prefer Visenya for the fact that she’s not hiding behind any performance of kindness and relatability, despite how harsh and cold and distant she is.

Another thing both Rowan and Ceryse mention, that I really hope people picked up on, (please let me know if you did btw!) is the way she dresses. They mention it being over the top, excessive and in their eyes, gaudy. The Hightowers and the Evergreens are ancient noble houses, close to the faith, very, very wealthy and pretty much on top of the social chain. They’re the old money that doesn’t need to prove themselves to anyone, they need no validation, as the people already know them and their worth. So of course when they see this new money girly, dressed in jewels from top to bottom, wearing fashions that are gaudy and almost kitsch, trying to get into their circles, they can spot her out immediately. Another little note, that since both characters are very religious, modesty is something that is preached and taught, so flaunting your wealth in such a way is seen as very tone deaf. To her defence, perhaps Rhaenys simply didn’t know any better and was excited to get to afford so many new things that she mixed and matched outfits that looked good to her without much thought. Or maybe she did want to flaunt wealth and feign it ignorance and innocence, we’ll never know.

To finally get to Rowan a little bit more, she is very much attached to Visenya. She grows to see her as a mother figure after her own had died, so of course she loves her very much. Visenya relies on Rowan for emotional support from a young age, so she gets to see first hand the affect that Aegon and Rhaenys’ treatment of their sister has on her. Rowan doesn’t hate Rhaenys, but she strongly grows to dislike her because of how much pain her actions have brought to two of her most beloved people, Visenya and Maegor. While Rowan has the emotional intelligence to understand that Aegon is the one responsible for most of the conflict that exists between the three conquerors, she also cannot imagine ever having a sister and treating her like an inconvenience, the way she sees Rhaenys do.

Of course, Rowan is very young and clearly has her own biases, despite having the emotional intelligence to know she doesn’t have all the pieces of the puzzle, but as she is one of the main characters of this fic, her mostly negative view of Rhaenys is one of many that paint her out to be ‘the bad guy.’

The two conflicting images we have of Rhaenys were very much on purpose. She’s seen as either a sweet, carefree, kind and loving person, or a selfish, thoughtless and ignorant little girl. All of the PoV characters are biased and have their own reasons to be so, making the reality of things very difficult to grasp. I will say though, that since Rowan is meant to be our window in, her PoV will lean the most toward the ‘truth of it all’ if there can ever be such a thing. She’s a person that tries really hard to be objective (despite how partial things have become in recent chapters, she’ll get back on her feet, promise) so her PoV will be, in a way, a clearer one.

I hope this was a satisfying enough answer anon! I’m glad you asked, because I’ve gotten some comments on ao3 about this, and I really wanted to get the chance to expand here as well! Please let me know if there’s anything else you want me to expand on, my inbox is open! ♥️

[myjackiekennedy]

the impact of phases and fandoms

one thing I realized after the many phases that have run my life, one at a time, is how valuable they are and were to my overall existence. when school wrecked my self esteem and sank me into deep losses of purpose and motivation, my obsession with a book or movie or person gave me a reason to keep my head in the game and served as my motivation to becoming a better, more educated version of myself instead of completely wallowing in my idea of a loss sense of self due to the pressures of school. when i was constantly tired, not wanting or caring to study, wishing the week was over before it even started, and wanting to block out the world when i felt it was unfair or against me, my obsession with harry potter, jackie o, old literature, and more are what reminded me of how valuable exposure to new things was and how they were essential to personal growth. I enjoyed the surge of imagination these delights would give me and how they allowed me hours of daydreaming and indulgence that would have otherwise been overthinking or self-doubt. I paid attention to how happy I became when I opened tumblr or instagram to all the posts from real people about whatever I was currently obsessed with at the time. it made me delighted and brought instant joy to my face after a bad day at school that left me not feeling smart enough. the songs I would discover and the stories and perspectives that would fill me head thanks to the incredibly lively fandoms I would be apart of made me feel like I wasn't alone in my struggles that come with being a teenage girl in school, with the weight of my future harboring my every action. phases are a safe space that don't require anything from you except interest. and when you eventually lose interest in something, that's ok. another interest will follow, and it's just a continuation of the same cycle that teaches, inspires, and strengthens you. the escapism appeal of fandoms gives you a sense of belonging, judgment free. you don't have to earn a spot or work to maintain one, like in school. it's just random people brought together by a shared interest that ultimately improves us while brightening our day.

[quietduna]

Escaflowne ‘Letters to another world’: Analysis of chapter 5

Let’s continue with the analysis after Chapter 4! Remember that you can read the whole story (currently unfinished) here.

Page 1

The notion of Gaean intellectuals crafting theories about the book, which is described as “A novel for teenagers,” as Hitomi mentioned, never fails to bring a smile to my face. It’s intriguing how, without knowledge of the Mystic Moon languages, they rely solely on the illustrations and Hitomi’s photograph on the back cover. Consequently, it’s not unreasonable for them to consider it a book of prophecies in a world teeming with ancient magic.

I toyed with the idea of Van reading the book while wearing the pendant, but ultimately decided to keep him blissfully unaware of its contents. The pendant appears to hold no significance for him, as it has only reacted in Hitomi’s presence. It could be that the pendant solely responds to her, or perhaps Van neglected his “inner eye” training, causing him to lose his connection with it.

Van and Merle didn’t mean to offend Hitomi with their surprise; they were simply caught off guard. After months of speculating about the enigmatic book, they discover that it was written by none other than Hitomi Kanzaki, the seeress of the Mystic Moon—an insecure girl they once knew. They remember her as someone who didn’t display much interest in books, and that perception lingers. Even Van, who has journeyed to Earth twice, never witnessed Hitomi engaging with books beyond what was necessary. Thus, their astonishment is understandable. It’s quite amusing, really.

In the final panel, Hitomi’s bitter emotions seep through her façade. She has endured years of heartache over Van, only to find herself abruptly whisked away to Gaea, where she discovers him safe and sound.

Page 2

In past pages, Van told that the book appeared “aprox 2 years ago” and penetrated quickly amongst the population. To be honest, Gaea is a big world, so 2 years for me is a small time to actually had such a big influence in a mostly medieval world with no communications technology. In a world like this, letters, rumours and speculations are the main ways of spreading the news. When Van says “it has been reproduced and distributed through Gaea”, maybe it’s not like that, and it’s been having an impact only in Fanelia…What I’m trying to say is, the book has an impact, but I’m not dwelling on the reality of it. We only need to know that it’s been well-known in Fanelia and Asturia.

“People put a face to the Seeress from the Mystic Moon”: My headcanon is that, after the Gaean War and the vision of the White Dragon in the sky as the end of the War, rumours about the strange girl that was always around King Van Fanel and her visions spread like fire amongst the population, that needed new legends and war heroes. Hitomi never left Gaea, indeed, as Van said in previous pages. She was always there, as some sort of legendary seeress of luck. How was Van ever going to move on her when she had become such an icon for his people? How was any other women compete over her? The book, or better said, its illustrations, helped the population to complete their idealization of the Seeress of the Mystic Moon.

One of the intriguing aspects that crossed my mind when pondering over Escaflowne was the fortunate circumstance that befell Hitomi. She found herself in immediate proximity to the King, granting her access to a plethora of confidential information concerning the kingdom. It is astonishing to think that regular citizens have no inkling about how Van trains, the fate of Folken Fanel, or even the intricate process of awakening Escaflowne. Equally intriguing is the fact that Hitomi forged a friendship with the future queen of Asturia, affording her the opportunity to overhear the queen’s doubts about her impending marriage and gain insight into the affairs of the Aston sisters. Contemplating all of this, one cannot help but imagine the magnitude of the secrets contained within a book that was freely distributed without any form of control. The ramifications could be profound, potentially even sparking conflicts of war in a medieval setting. As Van stated, “Luckily, no one can read it.”

Picture it: a book like the Esca novels, replete with illustrations that accompanied the text. These illustrations caused quite a commotion among certain sectors of society, as Van states. The elite of traditional Asturian society viewed Millerna with disdain upon learning of her affair with Allen Schezar, who himself was entangled with the late Queen of Freid, Marlene Aston. One can only fathom the scandalous nature of these revelations. Seems like Freid has remained unscathed by this news. Perhaps there was a notable absence of an illustration depicting Allen and his secret offspring.

Pages 4,5

I understand that Hitomi’s reaction may feel natural to me, but it’s important to acknowledge that this may be more of a personal trait rather than a reflection of her character. It seems she perceived the feedback as an attack on her work. It’s understandable that she didn’t want to apologize for the problems she indirectly caused, but at the same time, she wanted to emphasize that the situation might not be as bad as initially thought.

Unfortunately, Van didn’t seem to fully grasp Hitomi’s response. The book held significant importance to him, and he seemed to have a more complex interpretation of its contents. This difference in understanding led to a bit of a misunderstanding between the two. It’s remarkable how countless stories can be born from just a single illustration in a book. Imagination can truly run wild, and people may have created various narratives involving Van, Hitomi, and Escaflowne. One can only imagine how this affected Van, especially considering the assumption that the book’s cover hinted at a clear depiction of Van and Hitomi’s relationship. The rumors and stories may have caused Van considerable emotional distress. Additionally, it’s possible that these tales impacted his relationships with other kingdoms, as he is at an age where marriage and alliances are important considerations, although this aspect has yet to be explored. Moreover, it’s quite likely that people would have sought to find Escaflowne’s resting place and transform it into a sacred location, adding further complications to Van’s life. Thus, it’s clear that the book brought about significant challenges for Van, both personally and politically.

At the same time, and thanks to the book and the Gaean War, Van’s reputation increased significantly as the pilot of the White Dragon, the Atlantean hero, the old-blood King. The book triggered a multitude of changes, as we witness in Allen and Millerna’s stories. BUT Van’s also been “effected” by these changes, although he doesn’t appear to perceive it just yet: He made the bold decision to unveil his wings to the public!

Asturia is now ruled by Eries! Could this be another one of those “fateful” changes? Is it truly what she desired? Personally, I’ve always believed that she is the perfect ruler for Asturia. She has the necessary training and will undoubtedly excel in her duty. I have absolutely no doubts about it!

And what about Hitomi? Time truly does flow mysteriously, doesn’t it? Somehow, the timeline has been altered, and everything felt like a surreal dream… At least she no longer feels under attack and has decided to share her story with Van and Merle.

Pages 6,7

I understand that returning home after a challenging and intense period can be difficult. This is especially true for someone like Hitomi, who had to leave behind a life-changing experience at such a young age. It’s actually quite common to explore this theme in fanfictions, as it is natural for her to struggle with readjustment. This is one of my most common headcanons about this story.

When it comes to Hitomi’s feelings, I’ve had the opportunity to interact with individuals who have gone through similar experiences. Working in a large NGO, I’ve met colleagues who have spent months in countries where our help is needed. Upon returning to their homes, they often find it challenging to reintegrate into their previous lives. They describe feeling a stark contrast between their intense and meaningful experiences abroad and the sometimes mundane routines and social traditions back home.

I recall a colleague who worked in an African country and experienced a profound shift in perspective. She found it difficult to find meaning in the rituals and customs that once seemed so important to her. Her family and friends struggled to understand her desire to return to the field, leading to feelings of frustration and loneliness. It’s not uncommon for individuals in similar situations to question the value of their previous way of life.

Regarding this page, it is plausible to imagine that, deep down, Yukari and Hitomi’s mother do believe and support her. However, for Hitomi, simply knowing this might not be enough. She craves a tangible sense of their support, a feeling of belonging that seems distant now that she no longer fits into the same old system.

Van raises a valid question that even Merle’s comment cannot dismiss: “Why couldn’t he sense her distress?” Speculating, we could surmise that Hitomi devoted herself to maintaining the façade of her promised life, concealing her true emotions from Van to spare him any concern. Furthermore, it is plausible to imagine that their connection was primarily initiated by Van, as evidenced by his possession of the pendant. Therefore, if Van was preoccupied with rebuilding Fanelia, their connections may have become infrequent.

One thing we can infer about Hitomi is her remarkable ability to conceal her genuine feelings. This is illustrated in the “A girl in Gaea” movie, where she struggled with depression that went unnoticed by those around her, including Yukari, until it became “too late.” In the movie, Hitomi only found solace and a genuine smile when she discovered her reflection in Van. It is quite different from the Hitomi we know in the series, but it highlights her adeptness at masking her true emotions.

Pages 8,9

I completely understand the importance of expressing one’s emotions through a traditional diary rather than a blog. I already explored this in my previous work Second Chance, as I’ve explained before. By choosing this method, it becomes much easier for the story to unfold naturally. Also, I think it perfectly aligns with Hitomi being a 90s girl.

It’s truly remarkable how having a supportive network on Earth can make a significant difference. In the case of my doujinshi Second Chance, I explored the absence of such a network for Hitomi. Her family didn’t believe her, and her friends Yukari and Amano had left Japan, leading her to fall into a state of depression. However, in this scenario, things take a different turn. Hitomi now has the presence of her mother and Yukari, who genuinely believe in her. This stark contrast can be seen in her initial words on page 1, where she expresses a preference for solitude. Someone – be it a professional or a confidante – encouraged her to express her feelings through writing. Regardless, her support system was there for her, guiding her progress.

[themovieblogonline]

Sylvester Stallone Teases a Rocky Prequel

Hold onto your boxing gloves because the Italian Stallion is back, and this time, he’s giving us a peek into Rocky's early days. Sylvester Stallone recently dropped a bombshell on social media: he’s written a few pages for a "Rocky" prequel. For those who’ve been quoting “Yo, Adrian!” since the '70s, this news hits harder than one of Rocky’s famous right hooks. But what can we expect from a story that takes us back to Rocky’s teenage years? Let's dive into the world of young Rocky Balboa, Paulie, and a 15-year-old Adrian. The Heart of the Prequel: Stallone described the prequel as a passion project, something that "writes itself," and let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want to see a teenage Rocky trying to navigate life in a tough Philadelphia neighborhood? According to Stallone, the story has a “Lady and the Tramp” vibe—if Lady was an awkward, shy girl named Adrian, and the Tramp was a 17-year-old Rocky with a bit of a bad boy streak. The idea of seeing Rocky and Adrian before they became one of the most iconic couples in cinema is intriguing. Imagine Adrian at 15, still wearing her thick glasses, and Rocky at 17, already showing signs of the relentless determination that would later make him a champion. The prequel promises to explore their relationship before the meat locker training montages and before the world knew Rocky Balboa as the ultimate underdog. A Glimpse Into Rocky's Youth: In the prequel, Rocky is far from the disciplined fighter we’ve come to know. Instead, we’ll see him as a young man trying to find his place in a world that’s constantly knocking him down. Stallone hints at Rocky’s early days as a bad boy, which likely means we’ll see a more rebellious, raw version of the character. Rocky isn’t just battling in the ring; he’s fighting to survive in the rough streets of Philadelphia. Paulie, Rocky’s best friend and Adrian’s brother, also plays a significant role in this story. We can expect to see how Paulie’s move to a new neighborhood impacts his relationship with Rocky. This could offer some insight into why Paulie, despite his flaws, remained fiercely loyal to Rocky throughout the series. Why We Need This Prequel: Let’s face it, there’s something magical about revisiting characters we already know and love, but seeing them in a different light. The Rocky prequel offers that opportunity by allowing us to explore the backstory of these beloved characters. For fans of the series, it’s a chance to see what shaped Rocky into the fighter we all cheered for. For newcomers, it’s a fresh entry point into the world of “Rocky.” And let’s not forget Adrian. Watching her come into her own as she navigates her relationship with Rocky will likely add depth to her character that we haven’t seen before. Her transformation from a shy, introverted girl into a woman who stands by Rocky through thick and thin is something that could be beautifully explored in this prequel. Final Thoughts: With Stallone at the helm, we can expect a story that’s not just about boxing but about the struggles, the heartbreaks, and the small victories that define who we are. If there’s one thing the Rocky series has taught us, it’s that life isn’t about how hard you can hit; it’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. And that’s a lesson worth revisiting. With Stallone’s personal touch and passion driving the project, there’s no doubt this prequel will pack an emotional punch. Whether you’re a die-hard Rocky fan or just curious about the origins of the Italian Stallion, this is one story you won’t want to miss. Read the full article

[whanaukaretao]

Statement of Intent

Photo / Makoto Shinkai’s feature film ‘Your Name’ (2016)

14 November 2023

‘Honey Moon Valley Road’

Medium:

Photography, moving image and/or mixed media with an anime-like appearance.

Concept:

A love story (or stories) set in a futurist Auckland – perhaps 50 to 100 years into the future – with fictional characters whose romance plays out around what we currently know as K Road and other inner city streets and places.

Rather than a dystopian society – impacted by the worst impacts of climate change and other environmental and societal ills – I’m imagining an almost bohemian world. What if we listened to the young, to the dreamers, and others who love nature, the earth and only want peace and love for everyone? Imagine a city overwhelmed in the most beautiful way with wildflowers and nature’s beauty which we seamlessly co-exist with.

There is a country road near Kaitaia in the north called Honey Moon Valley Road. I’m imagining uprooting and dropping the romantic sentiment of that road onto K Road and building a story around that. The story will centre around two characters/one couple – or could even involve a handful of couples who have each found or celebrated love on K Road, in whatever shape or form.

I may borrow from my grandparents own love story. They were married at the top of Queen St, just around the corner from K Road in the late-1930s. My grandfather, a Swedish-Kiwi 20-something, lived in the Far North and my grandmother a teenage Māori woman lived in Hawke’s Bay. She bused from the east coast to Auckland by herself to meet up with and marry him. I doubt she’d ever been to the city. She must have been nervous and probably more than a bit scared – but she did it, for the promise of love.

Artistic influences:

a. Japanese anime filmmaker Makoto Shinkai’s teenage love story ‘Your Name’. His films begin in simple, naturalistic settings before the characters are pulled into a fantasy or sci-fi plot. In Your Name, “Two teenagers share a profound, magical connection upon discovering they are swapping bodies. Things manage to become even more complicated when the boy and girl decide to meet in person.”

This movie and my experience of seeing anime and manga in Japan sold me on the power of the artform.

b. Japanese artist Kouki Ikegami who creates digital artworks that look as though they're stills from an anime. I’d like to reverse this process and create photos that look like anime.

c. Turkish photographer Akif Hakan who draws from the dark side of anime, such as the style of Tokyo’s Harajuku. His images are quite provocative. They weren’t what I was originally thinking, but do fit a K Road theme. At a minimum, they open up the idea of anime-inspired portraiture.

d. Japanese artist Tsunotsuno who creates illustrations of inflatable balloons in the shape of anime girls. This is outside the frame of my early thinking – and current artistic ability - but it’s a useful reference all the same.

e. Sim Kern’s The Free People's Village (book).

“In an alternate 2020 timeline, Al Gore won the 2000 election and declared a War on Climate Change rather than a War on Terror. For twenty years, Democrats have controlled all three branches of government, enacting carbon-cutting schemes that never made it to a vote in our world. Green infrastructure projects have transformed U.S. cities into lush paradises (for the wealthy, white neighborhoods, at least) …”

f. Honey Moon Valley Road, Peria, Northland

[flimsy-roost]

ND Diary

[[[VENT INCOMING]]]

[[[DISCUSSIONS OF WEIGHT/WEIGHT LOSS, EATING, AND DIETICIAN JARGON]]]

[[[NBD JUST SCROLL ON PAST IF NOT YOUR THING NBD]]]

had an intro meeting with a dietician yesterday, and it was weird in a lot of ways, but in two particular ways I can't unstick from my head so this is my attempt to peel them off.

.1) neurotypical bias, aka come meet me where I am

backing up slightly for context. the process of finding a medical professional as an autistic person is a minefield. if you google the keywords "dietician neurodiversity," all the top results are akin to PARENTS CLICK HERE TO ALLEVIATE (CURE?????) YOUR CHILD'S AUTISM THROUGH SPECIFIC DIET!!!!1!!!! so I usually have to haphazardly suss out the vibes, be as up front as I comfortably can, and then roll the dice.

I was cautiously optimistic about this place because the intake girl seemed chill. at one point in that scheduling call, I mentioned that intuitive eating wont work for me because I have really weak interoception, which applies to hunger cues. she basically said oh yeah that shouldn't be a problem, I've recovered from an ED so I have similar issues, we meet people where they are so eating on a schedule or in a more prescriptive way is definitely something we can help with.

so imagine my awe shock and horror when the very first thing the RDN suggests (halfway through an already stumbly awkward zoom call) is to basically start keeping a feelings diary, to try and "nail down" subtler hunger cues.

in the moment, it felt like she was trying to funnel me into intuitive eating; the thing I specifically said does not work for me, and forthewhich reason I'm even seeing a professional in the first place. I did look it up, and developing this sense can also help with making more intentional decisions about what you eat (ie, am I so hungry that I need a whole sandwich, or will a smaller snack suffice?), but the thing is that I also do not have issues with this kind of intentionality day-to-day.

I don't doubt that with a large amount of concerted effort, I could gradually develop a halfway-sufficient understanding of hunger-related interoception. but is that really the best use of my time, energy, and brainspace?

digression, but this reminds me of my old roommate's girlfriend, who I was interacting with regularly the last time I made a concerted effort to get in shape. I have shitty knees from a teenage injury, and was basically told by the physical therapist at the time that I shouldn't develop an interest in running unless I want to also be back in PT on a regular basis. my roommate's gf lived, ate, and breathed running, I think she was training for a half marathon when I knew her, and could not conceive of the fact that her favorite thing ever wasn't going to work for me. she kept interpreting my saying "I can't" as "I won't." and sure, she had a wisp of a point; if I found a good PT with regular availability, and found the right shoes, and figured out the right routes and schedule and time frames and timing to do it, I might have been able to be a runner. OR, I could just go to a gym and sit on a no-impact spin bike for half an hour every day. that second thing achieves similar results and takes up a lot less time, energy, and brainspace.

the insistence on developing interoception is giving similar vibes. sure, I could set a reminder every two hours to write down any bodily sensations that might conceivably be related to hunger, for the next several weeks, to see if there's a pattern and satisfy your preference to be "open to experimentation." OR I could use that same reminder-setting system to remind me to eat on a sustainable schedule. you gonna help me figure out that schedule or not?

2) don't say the "w" word

I really really wish there was something in between the hyperintense calorie/macro tracking "calories in, calories out" medicalizing approach to weight loss, and weight neutrality. the former was not good for me in ways I won't expand upon, and the latter is kind of... fluffy?

look, I'm not going to lie to you and say that there aren't some minor vanity aspects at play in my wanting to lose weight (eg. I want to cut my hair short, but I don't think it would look cute on me right now), but the main two reasons I'm looking to do this are for simplicity and mobility.

simplicity: the world we live in either ignores or pathologizes fat bodies. this is a problem, and I'm genuinely glad it's being talked about and is changing incrementally. but I'm barely keeping up with the basic demands of existing that everyone has to deal with, and the added complications of navigating the world as a fat person means that the scope of things I can reliably participate in is incredibly small. my overall environment is already unsuitable for a neurodivergent person, so I devote a lot of effort to trying to reduce environmental hostility inflicted upon me in ways I can actually effect, in this case my size.

the second weird thing sticking in my brain concerns the second reason, mobility.

as mentioned above, I have shit knees. in the years since the initial knee enshittification, my weight has fluctuated within a 90lb range. while knee muscle strength definitely plays a role, I can say with certainty, from firsthand experience, that 75% of what determines how much my knees are bothering me at any given point in my life is my numerical weight. this is a neutral statement. this is physics; a larger mass will exert greater gravitational force on a hinge. the best ways to mediate this force are to strengthen the hinge (which I am also working on) and to reduce the mass.

the dietician I saw, operating with weight neutral language and training, denied that my weight has an impact on my knees and mobility. or not exactly denied it, but denied that that's a thing that we could say.

come on.

this is an extra layer of narration and storytelling that I do not find helpful. I'm fully on board with the general gist of weight neutrality. it's bullshit that fatphobic medical professionals will ignore their patient's medical concerns because they're fat, and insist that they can only do their fucking jobs on demographics within a certain BMI range. the default fat=bad thin=good needs to be replaced with all=neutral. I get that, I agree with that, I'm on that page with you. but this degree of "do not speak the name of the fey, lest you invite them into your home to trick you" obfuscates any helpful advice when weight is genuinely and measurably at least part of the problem.

I wish there was a widespread way that incorporated the amoralistic ethos of weight neutrality into adaptive problem solving. kind of like an informed consent system. like a "what do you want, why do you want it, how do you want to do it, how can I help" sort of thing. I don't appreciate being told how I'm supposed to feel about something, when my baseline feelings about it are already pretty neutral. if you're unwilling to accept that my weight may exacerbate my mobility issues and that this is a valid impetus for weight loss, then why the fuck am I even here talking to the diet and weight loss specialist

[eleanor-bradstreet]

I don’t know how you do it. I just don’t know HOW you manage to barrel me over in an entirely novel and increasingly intense way with every fic you post. Each one leaves these indelible marks on my heart and I think - ok, the next one will be great but can’t possibly strike as deep. But then they do. They ALL do. And this one…oh this one. Your first full-on whump, and first regency fic. It came out of nowhere (I know your sneaky ways) and entranced me. 

The descriptions of tiny Benedict, a light in the world, observant and sensitive 🥹 absorbing all of his frustrations as personal flaws, rather than railing outwardly as Anthony was wont to do. The yin and yang dance of A + B began early in life, and Violet noticed it. Particularly the way it could threaten Ben’s soul as he stewed in self doubt. “She had never known a fury so strong as the one she assigned to the shame that dared trespass on the soul of her beautiful baby boy, cloaking him in its shadow of comparison.” OMG. You capture him so perfectly, the way his imposter syndrome hides and builds to something explosive. A pattern that calms throughout his life but never disappears, at least not before he is married. Like quitting the art academy and fleeing from his passions because one move from Anthony leaves him convinced he can never succeed.

An enduring question about Ben: when did the creative streak begin? When did he first pick up a paintbrush and find that it spoke to his soul? You have answered that question in the most heartwarming of ways. It was his mother, of course. She saw a sensitive boy in need of an outlet and opened the world of art to him. The way you describe how he took to it so instantly and thoroughly - “It was as if he had been wading through life with so much to say but had been rendered mute, and now he had discovered language. It wasn’t long before he was fluent.” I am speechless. I will never forget this analogy. It is STUNNING.💙 

And that she JOINS IN, delighting as he zooms around with creativity. It is such a beautiful image 🥹  I picture two easels set up in the little room, both low to the floor. She sits before hers while little Benedict stands. She is tentatively dotting her canvas with flowers - simple, feminine, and her boy is splashing Pollock style across his as she cheers him on 😆 I imagine these painting sessions, continued even as he grew to adulthood, were a respite for Violet too. Of course she had an army of staff but can you imagine having that many children to raise? The noise and the to-do list must have been overwhelming. Anthony being agitated and bossy, Colin the bottomless pit, young girls always in spats with each other and in need of training to be ladylike, and always a baby or toddler on top of that. But then there was Benedict - quiet, kind, supportive. I’m sure he misbehaved as a child and teenager but you know he would cave like a house of cards as soon as he was scolded for anything. He would apologize and worry about the impact of his actions on others. He likely understood how much rested on his parents’ shoulders earlier and more thoroughly than any of his siblings did. So he was offering her an outlet too, just as she had for him when he was small. Together they could unburden themselves of emotional labor for a few hours and enjoy each other’s quiet company, creating or sharing whatever they were feeling. Guh, the feeeeeeeeels….

“A dragon with a biscuit addiction.” Sounds familiar… 😉

“He had outgrown the endearment but quickly assured her that he could never outgrow her.” 😭

Then comes the breach in their lives. Edmund gone - his mind and heart separated but preserved in his two eldest sons. Anthony would steer the ship, and Benedict would make sure none of them were lost to despair, Violet especially.  “The presence of her two eldest sons was the only reason the night didn’t carry her away.” Stop, stop, it hurts…. 😭

“The part of his life that was untouched by loss withered away, and she added that loss to her mountain of grief.” GAAAHHH you did it again!! Reminding me how everyone in the family lost Anthony too when they lost Edmund. The children lost an eldest brother (replaced by Benedict), Benedict lost his best friend (💔) and Violet lost “the vibrant boy she used to know”. Anthonyyyyyyy….

“She would slip her hand silently into his with a gentle squeeze and pray he understood she was still there somewhere, just buried beneath the wreckage.” Ok, how many times can I use the sobbing emoji? Because it’s just going to be every bullet point now… I love how your take on grieving Violet is opposite to mine in A Brothers Love. My Violet pushed Ben away, too unnerved of how he reminded her of Edmund. Your Violet leans into it, clinging to him perhaps not for that reason at all, but because she knows he out of anyone will know how to navigate her pain, and maybe even alleviate some of it. And he does - carrying her to the art room the way she carried him when he cried, and just inviting her to sit in the calm, knowing it will heal her soul. Fuck you, fuck you, what even is this?? How did you think of this?? I am already chest-deep in feelings and I know we haven’t even gotten to the meat of it yet, holy shit…

“Oh, Anthony,” she patted his cheek lovingly. “Lighten up. I’m sure Kate enjoyed it immensely.” I WHOOPED aloud at this!! 🤣🤣 Thank you for this moment of humor before you stab me in the heart. I’m sure Kate liked it, says his mother when at the time he was planning his wedding to Edwina!! She knew the whole time, of course she did. 😉

Ok, now you start to cut deep. To imagine the numbing terror Violet must feel any time she can’t find one of her family members on the grounds of Aubrey Hall, and especially the sickening dread whenever she hears someone shouting outside - it’s cruel. Echoes of the blackest day of her life always seem ready to spring whenever they aren’t all safe within the walls. And her worst fear is realized - another man she loves, fighting for his life outside on the grounds. Let me just extract my heart for you and lay it here on the table. You go get your hammer.

I don’t know if you planned this as a redemptive moment for Violet, but by god it is one. The way she comforts and instructs Anthony as he holds his mortally wounded family member. We know what happened when Edmund died: she screamed at him to assume his responsibility, pushing him away with fire in her eyes to go tend to the children. But now, when they find themselves in the same position, she is gentle toward him. She sees - likely in a way she couldn’t the first time - the terrified little boy in Anthony’s eyes and she speaks to him accordingly. She still sends him to care for his sister, but does so with soft reassurance. Maybe this will help Anthony heal too. Help him forgive the brutality of his mother’s first reaction and allow one memory to overshadow the other. Hopefully he can understand that they have both grown since that experience, grown closer and more understanding of one another. 💜 

Oh god the way you describe Benedict looking exactly like Edmund in his last moments. Fuck me sideways for watching S2E3 right before re-reading this huh? And registering once again how similar they look. This is horrific…I love you so much for it…🫶

Again, POUR ONE OUT FOR DORSET, the surprise hero of this story!! He really is a lovely character and I feel guilty for forgetting him. 😅 You included him in such an unexpected and satisfying way. Anthony and Kate are going to owe him FOREVER because of this, and I’m sure Anthony will insist on keeping him on retainer as the family doctor lol 

The repetition of the location as Violet speaks to Benedict - outside by the pond - I didn’t understand the emphasis at first. You sneaky genius, ooooff!! 🥹

Then he asks after Eloise, repeatedly. As you said about I’ll Be Seeing You, even when our boy is literally dying, he is worried about others. Of course he is. That’s just Benedict. 💙 

Then Violet realizes the only thing that will bring him peace as he is drowning in pain - it’s the same thing that they have both relied upon to soothe their souls over the years, their art room. Of course she can’t take him there now, so she brings him there in his mind. “Benedict, dear, come and paint with me. Tell me how you’d capture the sky. What colors would you need?” THREW THE PHONE ACROSS THE COUCH AND SAT AND HAD MYSELF A CRY. CRYING RIGHT NOW AS I RE-READ TO WRITE THIS. How DARE you be this clever and wield it as a lance to my heart?? HOW VERY DARE YOU?? 😭😭😭 How many weapons have I described you attacking my heart with now? I’ve at least said knife, hammer and lance. You know what? Just take every weapon in Clue and shove it in me like a pincushion. That’s how I feel. Congratulations.

And you made orange one of his favorite colors. Woman, are you trying to kill me?? YOU ARE SOOOO CRUUUUEEEELLLLL 🧡🧡🧡🧡

“Nothing. I think we’ve finished, Mama. It’s darker now. Night is almost here. Do you like it?” He calls her Mama again as the darkness closes in. DON’T THINK I WOULDN’T NOTICE, YOU MONSTER!! 😭😭

“It is my favorite one yet, darling.” It’s over. I’m gone. Bury me next to him because this took me out. Was there a sniper rifle in Clue? Because you shot me with that too.

I honestly…when I tell you I held my breath through this entire sequence…I genuinely GENUINELY did not know if you were going to go there. I didn’t know when or how the shoe would drop, when the line would be severed. It felt like their conversation drew on forever - in the best way. I was riveted, speechless, praying right alongside her… He kept slipping further and my stomach sank and sank and sank. And she reaches out to Edmund, of course. I always HC that Edmund is there to shepherd members of his family when they are in limbo (oh, it’s already in some of my fics alright) so to imagine that Ben is being held by both his parents in this moment and Edmund is doing everything he can to grant Violet’s wish. It’s not Benedict’s time, so Edmund helps him hold on. I also completely forgot there were other people in this world as I read this. I was enveloped, completely consumed by this image 💙

He will always be her baby - every time you say this, it guts me. Because it’s true, and it’s gorgeous and bittersweet and makes me feel ALL THE THINGS. “A child with the most breathtaking heart and unparalleled capacity for compassion. A child with an inner light that this world desperately needs.” I am dust.

THE FIRST TWO PARAGRAPHS AFTER THE TIME JUMP YOU EVIL EVIL EVIL WOMAN! That did it - I was CONVINCED you had offed him! You paint the most vivid, tranquil and sad image of Violet standing alone in a shaft of sunlight, looking at the painting with a bittersweet smile. I thought he was gone, died hours after returning to the house and this was Violet just beginning to climb out of her mourning. She saw a piece that brought her right back to that moment, that sunset, and it helped to heal her, to remind her of her last painting session with Benedict and she vowed to buy it in his memory. THIS WAS THE SADDEST SHIT! I WAS TERRIFIED TO READ ON! Then we hear his voice, a specific line so we know precisely who is speaking, you cheeky devil! My AUDIBLE sigh of relief and the giant ass smile that spread over my face!! ☺️ I should have known better - who else was going to paint that image that transported her back? Ugh, the happy feelings come flooding into my heart and you end with the name - Outside by the Pond with Mother. An origin story likely kept quietly within the family, a painting likely to win great acclaim, the last image the artist thought he would ever see, every detail carved desperately into his memory as he fought to live. It’s amazing. This is amazing. I’m speechless. 🫶

This scene is seared into my brain. I keep finding myself back there, in the damp grass at the edge of the pond with a blazing sunset above and the shadows settling in below. The buzz of insects and rustle of wind create a quiet stillness that would seem peaceful but for the figure lying on the ground, surrounded by a spreading pool of blood. Violet kneels, clutching her son against herself, rocking him in the fading light. Benedict hovers between worlds while she hovers between futures. Even if this was their last moment together, it would have been a beautiful one. I left you in a dilapidated barn with the body of your paramour, and you have left me here - at the water’s edge, watching this moment of limbo forever.

I fully could not breathe on first read through. I didn’t know where you were taking us, but I trusted you to deliver something beautiful and as always, you did. Even though you showed mercy where I didn’t, I feel you have fully earned the badge of ‘emotional terrorist’ right alongside me. This may be my ‘I’ll Be Seeing You’. I’m haunted, I’m staggered, I’m utterly in love. This is a masterpiece. I don’t know what else to say. 💙

His First Muse

Pairings: Violet Bridgerton & Benedict Bridgerton, Violet Bridgerton & Anthony Bridgerton, Violet Bridgerton & Eloise Bridgerton

Summary: A brief insight through the years of Violet’s relationship with her children.

Warnings: Angst, Whump, Mentions of character death

Word Count: 5.3K

Author’s Note: Thank you so much @bridgertontess for this awesome edit. It goes perfectly with this fic. And thank you again to @colettebronte for always keeping me from going off the rails with commas.

________________________________________________

“Come and paint with me, Mama!” Benedict’s sweet, small voice pleaded as he pulled lightly on his mother’s arm.

Violet laughed affectionately at her son’s impatience. “Benedict dear, give your Mama just a moment. Getting up isn’t an easy feat these days,” she said while cradling her swollen, pregnant belly. She loved each of her three sons beyond measure, but her heart was secretly hoping for a beautiful little girl with her father’s eyes.

The light that positively radiated out of her second-born son was one of her greatest joys in life. She wasn’t sure what ignited that spark, but she prayed it would never be extinguished. The world desperately needed more of it, and so did she. 

From the moment he blinked open those observant eyes, a swaddled infant in her arms, she knew he would see the world for all its beauty. But she feared he would also be privy to all its pain. It was impossible to understand the depths of one without the other, and her son’s eyes were fathomless.

As his tiny body grew, so did the capacity of his heart. He was a sensitive soul, always searching for understanding in others, but rarely finding what he was looking for. Even though he followed his older brother around with ardent admiration in his eyes, Violet knew they were two very different little boys.

Keep reading

[yuikomorii]

I can agree with Yui wanting to be a normal teenage girl. While I like the badish endings where she girlbosses everyone in having powers or whatever the like, it just doesn’t personally vibe with how I see Yui. I agree that all she wants is a normal life and I also fully support the DF ending with Ruki. That shit made me cry ;w;

I’m not sure if it was answered or not but what is your least favorite ending involving Yui? My least favorite is her going bonkers in the Manservant ending for Kanato’s HDB route. It’s bizarre and while I like disturbing endings within the franchise, that always rubs me the wrong way. I also dislike the Brute ending for Ayato’s route I think with that…infamous CG of her hallucinating? Ugh. Brutal ;;;;;

// I understand what you're saying. I have nothing against girlboss characters, who truly are usually like that, but Yui is always a sweet and cheerful girl who would never hurt anyone unless they tell her to do so or if she gets completely broken.

Kanato’s HDB Manservant ending does not sit well with me either. I mean, the person who slaughtered the Sakamakis wasn't the actual Yui anymore because her sadistic tendencies were caused by having Cordelia's heart, which also influenced the S choices, so she basically became a psycho there. I also find it difficult to believe that such powerful vampires would be this easy to defeat. Not to mention that they have far more abilities and are extremely difficult to end off. It's one of those impossible endings, like Ruki's MB brute one. Despite the blood, I really like the cg. Why couldn't it be under normal conditions? Her position is literally adorable, with her arms placed like that… geez, she could have looked so cute. The wasted potential. (T ^ T)

I honestly wasn’t very impacted by Ayato’s DF brute ending. I doubt it was a hallucination, but rather Carla shapeshifting into Ayato, and while that may sound horrifying (it is), I found other endings far more disturbing. ;w;

But the ending which made me the most uncomfortable was ✨Ayato's MB brute one✨. I dislike so much when characters in otome games start cheating; it's truly disgusting on so many levels, and I see no point in it. In the HDB endings, I understood her crazy actions, but there's a whole different story in MB. She literally cheated on Ayato because he stopped drinking her blood to keep her safe, but she started missing the pleasure, so she used Ruki for that, while imagining Ayato?? I understand teenage hormones, and I know she gets horny for Ayato the most, but ugh come on, I can't believe Rejet really thought making her a whore would be a good idea— To make matters worse, she cheated on him with his RIVAL. It's also weird how this is the only cg where Yui has sex with a Diaboy. I know she looks dead here, but she wasn't; she was actually very happy, and she even began laughing as he was screwing her and drinking her blood. Even in Satoi’s initial drawing she’s smiling… aaah so unsettling! ( ͒˃̩̩⌂˂̩̩ ͒)

[blueeandyellowmakesgreen]

the duffers couldn´t risk basing st in the 90s, and that´s just because of the music, it would be just too much. the 80s were great, but the 90s? it´s been said before, but the impact girls & boys would´ve had on michael wheeler. imagining the show starts in the 93´, and it ends on the 98´, the year iris by the goo goo dolls, The Will Byers Song, came out? neither will or I could have handled that shit. no doubt, especially just a girl by no doubt, would 100% have been el´s first taste of real music, as max probably would´ve showed her. nine inch nails, don´t tell me hellfire mike wouldn´t have like 5 diff posters in his room. it hasn´t been talked before, but luca´s journey on trying new things out, wanting to fit in, but also connecting with his own roots and finding comanionship with other people on his experience as a black boy in hawkins is something very important in the book, but pretty brushed off in the show, so him getting a chance to live and experience his culture thorugh his teenage years through music would be great, the show not only to music made by white artists, but also being aware of how black musicians influenced the 90s/80. still, rock music has always been it for st. an the 90s, well. nirvana, radiohead, red hot chilli pepers, the smashing pumpkins? but also, something new. get pop in the mix, rap, hip hop. I mean, spice girls? BRITNEY? the fucking backstreet boys. 2pac. beastie boys. cypress hill. idk fukcing, bjork? anyways. 80s music is great. but the 90s were something else for all kinds of music. still. the party better make it out alive cause they´re gonna get the best young adult experience to some great music.

god this is great 😭😭 society if st was released in the 90s that would have been something

[heliads]

Never Trust Your Friends

Y/N might have feelings for Newt, the newly arrived blond runner. Newt might have feelings for Y/N, the second in command who’s been in the Glade longer than anyone except Alby. When Minho and Alby assign them both to work together on a project, they’re sure it won’t end well.

masterlist

If he were smart, Newt would not be staring. He would be focused on his friends, on the bubble of chatter surrounding him. He would most certainly not be staring at the girl and boy across the Glade who stand together, speaking in hushed tones. They’re leaning against a wall of the Homestead, exchanging words as their eyes cut across the Glade, lingering on different people. Alby gestures towards the scraggly woods of the Deadheads and says something, Y/N nods and counters his point. But Newt doesn’t know any of this, because he is decidedly not looking at them. Not at all.

There’s a laugh from behind him, and Newt belatedly turns to see Minho striding up next to him. “If you spend any more time focusing at Y/N instead of your food, Frypan’s going to burst into tears.” Newt glares at his friend. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Minho just grins. “I’m sure you don’t. Are you obsessed with Alby instead? Is that why you keep looking over at them?” Newt shoves Minho, but the dark-haired boy just laughs harder.

Maybe Newt’s not exactly being subtle. Yet even after Minho walks away, still chuckling quietly to himself, Newt’s gaze flickers back to Y/N and Alby. Their heads are bowed in conversation as they talk over every aspect of life in the Glade. Alby’s first in command and Y/N is second, and between the two of them, they’ve managed to make life here in the Maze make sense. At least, as well as you can when you’re a group of teenagers living in a giant bugging labyrinth.

Alby was the first one to show up in the Glade. Newt can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like to arrive in the Box, utterly alone except for the shrieks of the Grievers at night. Y/N came up next, and the two of them had to figure out how to survive with no one else around. They don’t trust anyone as well as they trust each other, although that’s no surprise. They had each other’s backs when nothing made sense, and their friendship has only grown as more and more people arrived at the Glade.

Some days, Newt wonders if he could have been able to do the same- show up in the Glade with only one other person and not lose his bloody mind. No matter how hard it was, how many times they came close to giving in, Y/N and Alby still managed to set up the Glade and all of its rules, which have lasted the months until now. Newt came up a couple months after them, and he’s been able to watch as Y/N and Alby shape the very lifestyle of the Glade.

Somehow, it doesn’t surprise Newt that Y/N and Alby were the first ones sent up through the Box. He doubts anyone else could have managed the daunting task of running the Glade and keeping everyone in line. Newt can still see them now, where they always meet at the end of the day to run through everything that happened and make mental checklists of what needs to be accomplished tomorrow. Newt is lucky he’s a runner- all he has to do is keep moving. Y/N and Alby have to consider the wellbeing of every single one of these poor shanks, and Newt just wears holes in his trainers alongside Minho.

Newt stands up, stretching. He hands his empty plate to Frypan, heading back towards the Map Room to make sure the day’s run has been properly catalogued. Just before he disappears into the only half-completed wooden hut, Newt glances over his shoulder one last time. A slight smile appears on his face when he sees Y/N. Of all the Gladers, she might just be his favorite.

You’re considering a tomato plant in front of you when you first see them. Today, you’ve been directed to work with the track-hoes: some slinthead was fool enough to mess with the builders and now he’s spending the day under the watchful gaze of the Med-jacks. There are barely enough track-hoes as it is, so you’ll be filling in the spot until the guy heals sufficiently to garden once more. That’s the role of a second-in-command, you suppose, doing whatever needs to be done.

The tomato plant in question is finally ripe. You’ve been eyeing it for a couple of days now, and you think it looks good. You reach for a makeshift basket, propping it up on your hip while you pluck the crimson red vegetables (or is it fruits?) from the stem. A sudden movement beyond the rows of plants distracts you, and you look up to see the figures of two boys running through the Glade, having just left the towering walls of the Maze behind them. Newt and Minho, done with their day’s work as Runners.

They spot you and smile, and you raise a hand in greeting. You do your best to look casual, effortlessly cool, but you’re not sure that you’ve succeeded. Your eyes linger on Newt for maybe a second longer than they should, and you watch as the boys head towards the Map Room while their path is still locked in their memory. You thought no one else was around to witness the blush creeping onto your cheeks, but if there’s one thing you should have learned throughout all of your months in the Glade, it’s that nothing will ever go your way. Ever.

Alby leans a hand against the tomato plant in front of you, startling you from your thoughts. You do your best to quell your flinch of surprise, but it’s no good. He’s already grinning with barely suppressed laughter. “I thought you were supposed to be staring at the tomatoes, not the Runners.” You hit him with your gardening glove, but it does nothing to staunch the gleam of triumph in his eyes. “Am I not allowed to greet my friends? Should I turn my back and ignore them instead?”

Alby crosses his arms on his chest. “I didn’t realize greeting your friends involved watching the blond one from the second he entered the Glade.” You look around frantically, making sure Zart and the others can’t hear you, before reaching to swat Alby once more, although this time he’s expecting it and dodges out of the way. He frowns at you. “Hey, rule number two. Never hurt another Glader. I thought you were the one who came up with that.”

You shoot him a look. “I wrote that rule before you started making fun of me. If you’re not careful I’ll revoke it.” Alby shakes his head. “Afraid not. I outrank you.” You mutter something under your breath. “Not if I get rid of you first. I’d have to replace you.” Alby just grins. “If you kill me, you’ll have to explain a homicide to Newt. How would he like you then?” You can only hope that Newt is still in the Map Room, because otherwise the blond boy would see you chasing a laughing Alby out of the gardens with an outraged shout.

It’s a new month, a new day. Newt hears the loud alarm of the Box before he sees it show up, and he and a few others make their way to the center of the Glade to see what new Greenie has been brought before them. He and Minho had managed to get through their section early, so they get to witness the arrival of the latest Greenbean along with the others. About ten minutes later, there’s a shuddering jolt as the Box locks into position.

Newt helps the others fling the doors to the Box open, and just like clockwork, a boy lies on the ground, flung back by the force of the Box coming to a stop. He squints up at the Gladers lining the edge of the Box, blinded by the sunlight. Gally jumps into the Box, offering a hand and the usual declaration- “Day one, Greenie. Rise and shine.”

The Greenie looks as confused as anyone else. He’s tall, with dirty blond hair and a faded off-white t-shirt. The guy’s apparently got the chops to be a runner, as he takes off in a sprint the second his feet touch the ground of the Glade. He doesn’t go far, though, too stunned by the looming walls of the Maze to leave the grassy clearing. Later, Newt hears him shout out his name in a stunned gasp- Ben, Newt thinks he said.

Some Glader arrives to take the Greenie on a tour, so Newt turns his attention back to the Box and the crates awaiting attention within. Newt sees Minho head over to Alby, and the Runner says a few words in a low whisper. Identical, crafty grins spread over both of the boys’ faces, and a sudden feeling of dread rolls over in Newt’s stomach as the boys glance over at him. Alby steps forward. “Okay, you know the drill. Time to check the contents of the Box. This time, the lucky shanks will be, uh, Y/N and Newt.”

Newt stares at Minho in barely suppressed outrage, while his friend does his best to contain a laugh. Newt can practically read the boy’s mind- You won’t talk to her yourself, I’ll do it for you. After a second’s hesitation, Newt strides over, jumping down into the Box and landing with a mild impact on the metal floor. Y/N leaps down a few moments after him, and Newt can hear the sound of the other Gladers returning to their usual jobs above them. Within seconds, it’s just Newt and Y/N in the Box. What is he supposed to do now?

The only thing he can do is what Alby asked him to do- unload the crates of supplies. Y/N pulls a worn pad of paper from her pocket, flipping to a fresh sheet and beginning to jot down the contents. Newt helps to pry open some boxes, checking what’s inside and reporting back. After the fifth box or so, Y/N groans, leaning against the cool metal walls of the Box as a reprieve from the boredom of the tasks. “Shuck, I hate Greenie Day.”

Newt smiles in spite of himself. “Because of the Box or because of the greenie?” Y/N glances over at him. “Both. Too many boxes, and now some new guy’s going to follow me around all day asking questions.” Newt leans over a nearby crate, trying and failing to drum up the energy to continue cataloging the supplies. “Hey, you made Alby go take the tour with the Greenie. That puts the majority of the questions on him.”

Y/N smirks at that. “It’s what he deserves for making me do manual labor.” Newt frowns. “You work with the track-hoes all the time.” Y/N flashes him a grin that makes Newt’s heart freeze in his chest. “That’s different.” Newt returns her grin. “Is it, or are you just complaining?” Y/N sticks her tongue out at him, but she stands up and continues on to the next crate. “I’m ignoring that.” When she hands him another box, their hands touch briefly, and Newt’s distracted from all thoughts of greenies and track-hoes or anything in this bloody Maze. Maybe Minho isn’t so bad after all for sending him down here.

You’re going to kill Alby. There’s no question about it. You’re going to kill him, and there’s nothing he can do to stop you. He knew exactly what he was doing when he sent you down here, and that triumphant smirk on his face when he announced you’d be working with Newt was just the icing on the cake. Of course he’d send you down to the enclosed box with the boy you’ve been crushing on since he arrived here- Alby’s out for blood. Why would he pass up such a golden, perfect, absolutely ruthless opportunity?

It’s all you can do to focus on the crates. You’re gripping the pad of paper like it’s a lifesaver, and honestly, it just might be. Every moment that you spend meticulously copying down the supplies is a moment that you don’t spend looking over at Newt, and the way his golden hair flops down just slightly over his eyes, or the way his arms move when he’s lifting the boxes, or that slight curve of a smile when he looks over at you-

Yes, there’s no question about it- you’re absolutely smitten. If you weren’t sure before, you’re positive now. You do your best to focus on the work at hand instead of the unfairly attractive boy next to you, but it only does so much. That being said, there are enough crates to last far longer than you’d want. The light of late afternoon is shifting into dusk, and by the time Newt is tossing the final crate out onto the grass of the Glade, it’s dark enough that the walls of the Box seem to melt away into the dimly lit air.

Newt stretches his arms. “Well, I’m glad that’s over.” You can’t help a joke. “I can’t wait for next month.” He frowns. “You’re the second in command, aren’t you? Just write us out of this job in particular.” You roll your eyes. “Even second in commands have to follow the rules, even if I’d rather break them.” Newt grins, leaning casually against the wall. “I’ve seen the amount of stuff you and Alby have to handle. I think it would be alright if you skipped out on Box duty every now and then.”

You consider him for a second. “I like the way you think. Honestly, I think you would make a good second in command. If you ever get tired of being a Runner, the position is always open.” Newt shakes his head. “What about you? I can’t take your job away.” You shrug. “I’d step aside for you. You’re the only one in this entire Glade that I think could handle it.”

Newt straightens up, stepping away from the wall to move closer to you. “You mean it?” You stare at him, at the few inches separating him from you. “Yes. I trust you.” Newt nods slowly, his eyes never leaving yours. Then, as if on an impulse, he leans forward and kisses you. You barely have a moment to realize it’s happening before he breaks away, something like regret beginning to color his eyes. “I didn’t mean to- I’m sorry-”

You cut off his whispers by kissing him again. This time, he doesn’t lean away, not for a while. The two of you stay there, arms wrapped around each other as the darkness falls fully against you, until the lights of the bonfire begin to blaze through the night. Newt smiles down at you, eyes shining with the starlight. “We should probably go before Minho and Alby come to see why we’re taking so long.” You laugh at that. “I’d hate to give them the satisfaction of being right.” Newt shares your laugh, then bends down to kiss you one last time before jumping out of the Box. You watch him as he stands there, silhouette barely visible against the dark, and when he extends a hand down to help you up, you take it without a second’s hesitation.