#If you're still struggling; I present to you the last tag on this post that has the final hint:

[unforth]

I've debated multiple times doing something like cataloging racist microaggressions I see in the danmei tags and making a post about it. I generally see at least one a day, and I block the worst offenders. But in the end I'm a white USAdian and it's really not my place. I'm sure I don't even catch them all.

It's a real issue and I've seen a lot of anecdotal evidence that it drives Chinese and Chinese diaspora fans out of participating in Westernized Tumblr danmei fandom, and that's utterly unacceptable.

One of the most common ones I see is how people talk about the character names. For example:

[Image ID: screen cap of a text post. It reads: "This all came about when I was looking at SVSSS memes on Ao3 and went like "My friends nor coworkers would get heads or tails of what in the world these alphabet smash assortment mean let alone know that they're referencing Soecific individuals or novels." End ID]

THIS IS A MICROAGGRESSION. For fuck's sake, people, acting like the names are ridiculous, incomprehensible, outside of what "friends and colleagues" could comprehend, is RACIST AS FUCK. And I see people say stuff like this constantly.

"But I only meant I was struggling--" THEN WHY DID YOU ASSUME OTHER PEOPLE WOULD STRUGGLE THE SAME WAY? STILL RACIST

"But I could say that about the abbreviations in any--" BUT YOU SAID IT ABOUT THIS FANDOM SPECIFICALLY AND CONTEXT FUCKING MATTERS AND IN THIS CONTEXT IT'S RACIST.

"But it was on my personal blo--" LOOK IF YOU WANT TO BE RACIST ON YOUR PERSONAL BLOG I CAN'T STOP YOU BUT IF YOU TAG ORIGINAL POSTS INTO MAIN FANDOM TAGS THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE WILL SEE YOU AND KNOW YOU ARE RACIST.

The person who posted the above, when I said it was a microaggression, demanded to know how. So, for them and everyone else in this fucking fandoms, I present what any of them could have learned by googling the term. The definition of microaggression:

(Source)

[Image ID: a dictionary entry for the term "microaggression." It reads: "noun. A comment or action that subtle and often unconsciously or unintentionally expresses a prejudiced attitude toward a member if a marginalized group (such as a racial minority)." End ID]

What that screen cap says about names is literally the textbook definition of a microaggression.

Chinese names are just names. The way Chinese sounds is just the way a language sounds. Cultivation is inherently based in Eastern culture and cannot be completely divorced from that context even for a cute AU. I'm so tired of seeing posts saying things like "MXTX just stole the plot of (insert Western myth/folktale/fable here)". Do yall realize how fucking racist you're being? Do yall realize how fucking racist even I've probably been by accident because I'm also a dumb white USAdian?

I've been holding this post in for like a year, but the person who posted that screen cap, who doubled-down by posting a non-apology to all the MXTX main tags, and who acted like I'd said something insane when I told them it was a microaggression...they're apparently my last fucking straw.

DO BETTER, WHITE WESTERN DANMEI FANDOM. We all need to learn and listen and knock it the fuck off already. Me included.

Please, please listen when people say "check yourself." Seeing this stuff everyday is exhausting even for ME and I'm not even in the marginalized group. Chinese people (including diaspora) who stay in the fandom here despite the constant deluge are strong as fuck and they do not deserve this and, as a white person, I'm so so sorry white people are like this.

[messifangirl]

are you still here :( you’re my fav messi blog and writer! have you got any recs or something new up your sleeve to look forward to? 💗

I'm still reading fic lately but not so much writing... I'm having trouble getting back into it but I'm really trying. In the meantime, I'm so happy that there are so many authors really flourishing and keeping the fandom alive. Here are my top ten favorite fics from the last few months.

Detachment by gabyteller

You're gonna wanna read the tags and warnings on this one because it is an angst-filled epic that jumps around in time through the years of Leo's career. Breathtaking at times and still a work in progress (but updated pretty regularly), I've read it more than once and it's currently my favorite fic in fandom.

Rating: M, pairings: multi, words: 103k, status: WIP

Taking Chances by loebala

Top and a bit of a dom Leo, but it's not just that it's the whole feel of this fic--Leo around La Scaloneta and the friendships and vibe is just fantastic. It's all told from Dibu's pov and it's everything I never knew I wanted lol. So smut but a whole lot of other stuff too :)

Rating: E, pairings: Leo/Emiliano Martínez, words: 48K, status: complete (now with a sequel as well)

Mistakes I Made and Won't Bend by BermudaRhombus

This fic starts with Pep leaving Barca and deals with his friendship/relationship with Leo in the years afterward, up until the present. I think what I love about it is even though we've all seen how Pep talks about Leo in the press and what not, he still hasn't quite figured Leo out after all these years.

Rating: G, pairings: Leo/Pep, words: 11k, status: complete

Hope It Gives You Hell by Fanficburner

If you're in the mood for a little smutty abo, this is the one for you. And if you've been following me long enough, you know I like my abo consensual, so this one was right on the money for me. Leo's a little bit of a cocky shit which doesn't always do it for me, but here it does. Plus, Ramos? yes'm sign me up.

Rating: E, pairings: Leo/Sergio Ramos, words: 6k, status: complete

I Can Feel It In The Air, Ooh Miami by ReflectionChamber

This one was a fun ride--but then again threesomes always are and even more so when everything doesn't always click into place. It starts after Leo's left PSG and has arrived in Miami, and explores how the three of them move from friendship into something more. Neymar doesn't know what the hell he wants, and Kylian is just struggling to hold onto Neymar. And then you've got Leo who's older and wiser but nonetheless invested in trying to keep his loved ones happy. I'm not a huge Kylian fan but this worked and it's well worth the read.

Rating: E, pairings Leo/Neymar, Leo/Kylian, Neymar/Kylian, Leo/Ney/Kylian, words: 114k, status: complete

It is in your self-interest to find a way to be very tender by gabyteller

Here's another by gabyteller but I'm not sorry. This is a totally gen fic, which sometimes I dig and I think you will too. It's about Leo's troubles at PSG, dealing with shitty fans and shitty teammates and it's told from Ramos' pov as he struggles to figure out what Leo's deal is. Bonus fatherly Pep lol.

Rating: G, pairings: gen, words: 10k, status: complete

No Regrets by LeoDios

I've never been disappointed by a LeoDios fic and though a lot of times they're emotional as shit, they're always worth it. This explores Leo being back in Paris with Neymar after winning the WC. Leo's teammates are also great in this, special mentions of Kylian, Veratti and Ramos.

Rating: E, pairings: Leo/Neymar, words: 8k, status: complete

Tu misterioso alguien by inkofsouls

Fairly sure I rec'd this already but if not, shame on me. Post WC, dealing once again with Leo and Ney at PSG. All from Ney's pov which is a huge fucking mess but he's got a lot to deal with so we can't really blame him lol. Really enjoyed this one, maybe because we know how frustrating Leo can be and we get to experience that along with Neymar haha.

Rating: E, pairings Leo/Neymar, multi, words: 45k, status: complete

not everything feels like something else by goodcostume

If you haven't read goodcostume before, you're in for a treat. I love their writing style and somehow everything is hilarious. This fic is Kun in Qatar at the WC--true to life he's had his heart condition so this is him on the side watching it all, or being dragged into Leo's bubble the way he should be.

Rating: M, pairings: Leo/Kun, words: 4k, status: complete

don't ever stop if you wanna be on top by goodcostume

Yes another by goodcostume so sue me. This one is the perfect smutty MSN fic that I've been aching for since 2015 lol. If it was ever gonna happen it was prob exactly like this ;)

Rating: E, pairings: Leo/Neymar/Luis Suárez, 2k, status: complete

[winryrockbellwannabe]

hi! as an engineering student myself, i struggle to take notes during lectures. can u give some tips to take efficient and useful tips for notetaking?

Hello hello,

First of all, Im sorry, but you probably asked this to the worst person possible lol.

I have adhd, and it makes terribly hard for me to focus on lectures, especially since I have difficulty paying attention to any kind of "speech" or even when Im paying attention sometimes I kinda take a while understanding what was said, like, the words sounded like separate random words instead of an organized sentence.

My Note Taking Method:

So, the only way I can take notes during class (that are not just mindlessly writing the exact same thing that is shown on the powerpoint presentation) is by having a textbook near me. Like, in high school, I took notes directly on my textbooks. Now I print the powerpoints my profs will present or the notes from last years students. Or even just take my laptop with me and annotate which slide number my notes refer to - tho i usually don't love this option.

But since I don't have any other good advice, I'll do what I do best:

Other People's Note Taking:

Talk about my wonderful moots that have posts about this.

@a-fox-studies literally wrote this post today (sorry if you're the same anon lol)

@skwpr has a post about note taking, not during class but from textbook, but it might still be useful

And then I was searching in the note taking tag and I found this @patriotstudies post and I think it had some good advice

Hope I've helped you somehow! <3

[cddcommunity]

Last post (currently) is about how toxic antiendo spaces are and honestly FR I have really struggled cultivating a healthy space here on tumblr because almost all the posts I see are about "endos are ruining everything grr" And I just don't need that energy? I have considered joining endo spaces just to see if it's better over there (Discord is much better but still kinda hit or miss)

I almost never tag my posts as anti anything because honestly, not my problem, if someone relates, cool, if not, they'll keep scrolling

I have a lot of bad experiences with anti endos, not only here on tumblr but in a lot of spaces... And consider in those times I presented myself as an anti-endo, that's pretty horrible if you ask me, being attacked by anti-endos when you're supposed to find "acceptance" because you're anti-endo too

Anti endo blogs tend to be the most toxic and horrible if you ask me, I talk about experience and from what I've seen because I've had followed a lot of those kind of blogs

Within my other side blogs it feels so difficult to have a healthy and good space because of syscourse, I can't have a good experience here on tumblr because of syscourse and it's pretty annoying if you ask me, I wanted something from this community and I recieved to opposite with all this hate, insults, attacks, harassments, etc.

Sadly endo spaces aren't better, I think they might be a little bit more calm down in certain things, but they don't get better from what I've seen and experienced, it feels like the same shit in the other side of the coin and that's all :/

The only "anti" tag I use is #endos DNI because of past trauma with endos and how it triggers us, but outside that we're not anti almost nothing because it gets annoying and problematic for your own mental health, curious how a community about a mental health disorder makes your mental health worst /neg

(Also this is the reason why I'm gonna make a "community" or space outside the CDD community but for pwCDD lol)

[kaufmann-6]

Oh, hiiii! It was about time I made an official introduction to my blog!

ᓚᘏᗢ I'm Kaufman, but you can call me Kauf! I'm a writer on ao3, an avid fic reader and a pianist!

ᓚᘏᗢ I like to reblog some of my favorite fandoms content, like PJO, Batfam and TUA on this blog and share my fics. (feel free to send me writing prompts and headcanons from the fandoms I'll list below, I'd love a challenge!)

ᓚᘏᗢ I'm also open to fic colabs and friendly chat. You have my permission to remix, translate, make podfics and/or fanarts out of my works but please tag me when posting here on tumblr. You can also post on ao3 using the "inspired by" or gift feature. (do not post content based on my works out of ao3 and tumblr)

ᓚᘏᗢ Did you know I'm the owner of a Jasico Discord server? I host creative challenges on @jasico-challenges and decided to create a Discord so people can talk about the events, Jasico, and random PJO! You're welcome to join by clicking this invite link.

ᓚᘏᗢ --------------------- >

ᓚᘏᗢ I go by Kaufmann on AO3. Here are some things that I've written:

The Umbrella Academy

ᓚᘏᗢ Absence → A remix fic I wrote for @tua-masked-author based out of @littlerit's amazing work, The Time Traveler's Life. It's Klaus pov of his 14th birthday and Five's multiple appearances. Angsty.

ᓚᘏᗢ If Only → An AU in which Patch didn't notice Five's van across the street and Cha-Cha got tired of waiting so she kills Klaus on S1E4.

ᓚᘏᗢ Bubble Thoughts → Another @tua-masked-author entry, an older one this time. It's a post-S3 fic in which Klaus reflects on his father's betrayal and his actions in that season. Luther helps him cope.

ᓚᘏᗢ I can die when I'm done. → Written for @tua-masked-author first edition! It's a missing scene fic from when Klaus was locked in that tiny motel closet in S1 when Hazel and Cha-Cha left to blow up Meritech. Character study, internal monologue. Lots of Angst & Hurt/No Comfort.

ᓚᘏᗢ The Bargain → An old wip that I really should pick up again. It's an AU in which the Handler decided to use Five's love for his siblings against him and uses Klaus as a hostage to get Five to work for her on S1E5. TW: SA.

DC Batman

ᓚᘏᗢ 'Cause you all try to keep me down → This fic was written for @febuwhump 2024. In this one, Black Mask kidnaps Red Hood and Red Robin and Jason is forced to watch Tim get tortured by the man who hates him the most. TW: Whump & eletric shock torture.

ᓚᘏᗢ I'm absolutely obsessed with Jason Todd at the moment and have so many fic ideas, including a Time Traveller's Wife AU coming up soon. Stay tunned!

Riordanverse (PJO, HOO, TOA)

ᓚᘏᗢ Oh, ho, the mistletoe (is hung where you can see) → Jasico Imprint Soulmate AU written for @jasico-challenges's Bingo Challenges 2024. Between flashbacks from the past, nightmares and christmas presents, Jason and Nico figure out how to tell their friends the truth about their relationship.

ᓚᘏᗢ If you had one more chance → Jasico fic for the Percy Jackson Gift Exchange Autum Equinox 2023. Nico struggles after Jason's death and decides to risk everything to bring him back. Orpheus & Euridyce style.

ᓚᘏᗢ Every Breath You Take → Jercy fic written for the Percy Jackson Gift Exchange Winter Solstice 2022. Percy and Jason are secretly pining for each other. In a road trip across the country, they finally face their feelings, but not withought some angst and jelously in the middle.

ᓚᘏᗢ It Doesn't Matter Anymore → A Jason Grace character study from when he was stuck in the wind prison in TOA. What was he thinking on his very last moments? Angst and Hurt/No Comfort. TW: Major character death & implied/referenced suicide.

ᓚᘏᗢ --------------------- >

I've written fics of some other fandoms like Maze Runner and I Am Not Okay With This but the fadoms above are the ones I'm still active in.

If you'd like to send a writing prompt or to make a request, here's my Bad Things Happen Bingo card, I'm accepting Jason Todd & Batfamily requests.

[count-von-kit]

I'm never really sure how to sell myself, or rather garner interest to a fandom that has yet to really be established. But it's a small and wholesome group that I adore regardless. And I hope one day it will grow, because these goons have been the serotonin ride that's gotten me out of many tough spots time and time again. I'm finally in the position to slowly migrate my stuff from KoFi onto Ao3, and the reason I'm doing so is because KoFi outside of just being tipped doesn't really assist much for writers. I've lost many one-shot series because their blogging system does not allow to track posts by calendar dates like other spaces. But that's a personal rant for another time. That said, while I migrate my works to another site I still struggle to garner interest for some things I worked hard to write, even with having created a fandom tag for my very own family. And I know some things take time, but on the same token it still feels discouraging to a lesser degree. Namely because I'm not really sure just how to get people interested? If you're looking for wholesome and queer to read, I would be happy to present the following:

"Happy Birthday, Rose!" is a piece dedicated to Camp Boolieve's very own plant-loving gremlin. It's short, and to the point. More or less a birthday present I wrote for Rose's player. Some minor revisions were done to this when migrating it from my KoFi page, seeing as this was written before the series concluded. Now it holds a bit more accuracy. I would recommend this one specifically if you've listened to our playthrough, as there is a reference to a very specific episode.

"Hoodie" is a canonical piece written for the sake of gay fluff. It was written either right as Camp Boolieve was ending or immediately after? Or like right before our last episode? I can't quite remember exactly, but I wanted to write an important bit of how Abel likes to take Willy's hoodies. I did have to edit some things as I was nowhere near where I was when this got written. And while it's not perfect, it's still cute enough to sate those looking for fluff. Because we do love fluff.

A more spicy tale. "Merry Christmas, I Could Care Less [Unless]" is the Christmas piece I was posting about back in November/December. My group finally helped me deliver this live back in January. They also convinced me to put it up on Ao3. So with that, I added in some spicier bits that we could not deliver on Twitch. :) This canonical piece does have some trigger warnings to it, but I'm really happy with it. It was not fun to format when transferring it over there, but it's still something I'm proud of. And it's only part one! The rest of the tale will not be delivered until later this year. I had to split it into two parts as there was no way we'd be able to read the whole thing otherwise.

So if you're looking for a longer piece with a little bit of spice, then I would gladly suggest this one. Also if you're able to count all the FOB references in this one, then I will virtually give you a cookie. If you want a slightly less spicier version, you can listen to the stream on our VOD channel below [I am sorry in advance for the audio quality...]. But I am uh... trying to cater to getting those hits on my Ao3 stuff...

And heck. If you like the series that much and want to check out where it all began, then boy howdy do I have a Playlist for you!

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read through this. Likes and reblogs are always appreciated. I'm always so nervous to share my stuff with people outside of my comfort zone, but at the same time I'm also very eager to share it and always hope folks like what they read. So if you do take the time to read through pieces I've invested so much of myself into, I want you to know that I super appreciate you and the time you've given me. Thank you, and I love you.

-Alexander

[riftdancing]

T h a n k y o u ! !

My queue right now is astronomically high compared to what it has been since my return to this community. It is full of reblogs in which I have left my love and adoration for all the beautiful work this community creates and I want to start making it a habit again.

It is my personal belief that reblogs are how this community thrives. Its how people get introduced to one another and how your work finds new people and I want to be one of those blogs out there who are constantly reblogging to uplift my fellow creators again. I want to break the habit of silently reblogging and start forging bonds with people again. I want to get to know you guys and interact more (send more asks and tag in more memes) and this is my first foot forward in doing just that!!

@shroudkeeper and @airis-ray both tagged me in this post and I just wanted to extend the most heart warming thank you to you both. Seeing people recommend my work gives me the biggest confidence boost in a community where my past has left me sorely lacking confidence. You both have inspired this trend for me and it just goes to show how far a little kindness can go.

I also want to give the biggest shout out in the world to @thefreelanceangel who is literally a huge part of why I'm still here and why I returned at all. All of your reblogs, heart warming tags, and encouragement is initially what drew me back in to writing and creating here instead of continuing to privately with write and interact with @gatheredfates and other friends. You make my skills as a writer and screenshot photographer feel incredibly valued and you inspire me to keep on creating. Thank you so much for that, because I honestly believe that without you (and Sea) I would not be present here.

And last, but certainly not least, the loudest shout out to my hype lady and the platonic love of my life, @gatheredfates who literally keeps me and my creativity going every day. Listen, her tags might be a little unhinged, but no one encourages me like she does. Her Ask/Question drive (you should check it out) is also hella inspiring and I love how much you do for this community both publicly and behind the scenes. This woman is an absolute angel and probably the best person I know. I love you dearly! Did I mention she is an INCREDIBLE writer and she comes up with some of the most creative and in depth characters? I adore reading her work and if you're reading this, you should definitely go read it.

In the end though, thank you for the little energy boost. I'm gonna keep on keeping on, but then I'm gonna keep on even harder by trying to engage more with you folks! Aw heck, now you're stuck with me. >:)

PS: Feel free to recommend more blogs!! The post I mentioned before introduced to me to so many new blogs and I have followed so many new people recently where as I have struggled to find others on my own in the past. Its been really refreshing! ♥

Anyway...

[to-myalphonse]

"I will never be good enough for you will I?"

Wanderee X Reader Angst

Wanderer is still called Scaramouche

Event : Farewell love @versadies event

I'm cutting it really close with this last fic lol.

I took me awhile to write this hence why I'm posting it late.

[Spoiler: 3.2 mentions]

Haypasia mentions, misunderstandings, arguing, implied reader death

"Apologize !" He yells holding a broken plate. As your eyes met you saw his unbridled anger focusing on its next target.

Instead of hesitating, you sigh calmly explaining your point." All I'm saying is if she were a better mother, you wouldn't be as hurt as your are now." You quickly dodge the upcoming object.

"She's not my mother." He spat now riled up. He glares down at you holding another object to throw.

"You can't deny that she cre-." You were suddenly hit by the flying object not dodging quick enough.

"Shut up!" Your mouth falls silent at his demand. As you tried to blink into focus, Scaramouche quickly approaches you.

You felt your collar be pulled down. "What do you know about being abandoned huh?" You felt his tiny hands grip your collar tighter slowly constricting your airflow.

"Ei decided I wasn't good enough! Do you know how it feels? No you don't, because your family has always cared about you." 

He pushed you away roughly as he exits the room. Hearing the door slam causes a frown to appear.

You were just trying to help him through his trauma like Nahida said to do. You go through the doctor notes that Nahida wrote down for him.

Patient: Kunikuzushi

Info: Has trauma from Electro Archon

Separation anxiety 

Familial trust issues

Abandonment issues

Mother issues (patient reacts negative to mentions of Beelzebul)

Fatui (patient reacts negative to Inazuma)

Reacts kindly to Haypasia.

You pocket the list as you climb to your feet.You should apologize to Scaramouche for bringing up such an uncomfortable topic.

After a few hours, you had everything prepared. You made his favorite Inazuman cuisine, you got him small snacks you knew he would love. All that was missing was the doll himself.

As you waited by the door your vision began to get foggy. Going to the restroom, you noticed the redness and swelling around the eye that was hit from the object. 

Instead of putting ice on it to fix the swelling, you decided to put make up over it to look more presentable, when finished you  heard the front door open.

Rushing out of the restroom, you see Scaramouche with a teal haired woman in tow.

"Scaramouche?" He stops conversation with her facing you. The smile on his face fell as quickly as he entered.

"Oh? You're still here." He deadpan wrapping an arm around the teal haired woman.

"Who is she, honey?" You ask sweetly only to be ignored. Him and the teal haired woman venture further into your house entering your shared bedroom,closing the door.

You feel a burning sensation envelop, as you gasp for air. Your vision blurs as you fall to the ground in shock. 

You thought you were good enough. You listened to his problems and did your best to comfort him through the hard times.

So then, why would he replace you with her?

The struggle to maintain staying awake fails as your thoughts come to a conclusion

You will never be good enough for Scaramouche will you?

Wanderer exited the room smugly. As he entered the room where you were last seen he saw your limp form laid out on the floor. He rolls his eyes, bending down to poke your figure.

"Jokes over, wake up Y/N." He pokes again to no response.

This was kinda strewn together when I was half asleep. Hope you enjoyed this lil one shot I didn't edit.

Taglist: @teyvattales @pochipop @hikomisan @leftdestiny-posts [If you want to be taken off the tag list lmk]

[sindirimba]

ty to @energievie for tagging me in the first line game.

RULES: post the first lines of your last 10 fics/chapters posted on AO3 (if you have less than 10 fics posted, post the first lines of all your fics) and try to draw some conclusions.

1.“Who’s this?” - Ça marche mais bizarre

2. Finally, finally, the plane door opened and people began filing out, and he patted the phone in his shirt pocket by instinct and started walking to meet her midway across the field. - Like Magic

3. The club was busy and loud and the music wasn’t her favorite but it was busy and loud so it didn’t matter. - Yeah, I'm new

4. She busted through the door, cursing under her breath at the immediate pain in her shoulder as the wood splintered against it. - Chin Up

5. "Oh my god," she breathed out, struggling to lift her head from where it lay on his chest after she'd collapsed on top of him after she'd had-- another-- orgasm. - Restoration Services

6. Copley’s place, when she wasn’t running too full-tilt on adrenaline to notice it, was nice. - No one does anything alone

7. She was in a little house in the middle of nowhere when he showed up on her doorstep, unannounced but welcome anyway. - Your embrace clears the storm in my head

8. She said, “Take me to your favorite bookstore.” - Côtes contre côtes

9. She finds him in his secret spot, and when she’s close enough to really see his face, he tilts his head up and his hat back and in the sunlight he looks peaceful. - He said watch with me

10. They got back to their hotel room in the small hours and the sound of the door clicking shut felt like a heartbeat. - You've gotta feel it

conclusion: i like starting with actions, i think. someone sure is doing or is going to do or did something.

tagging: @gaal-dornick @nevermindirah @xenokattz @mongoose-bite @what-alchemy and you know, anyone else who wants to do it.

unexpected read more. i wanted to see if anything's changed from earlier stuff so self-indulgently i'm gonna list out the first 10 stories on ao3 too. just for kicks.

1. With a sigh, she smoothed her hands over her dress, newly mended and presentable once again, and found joy in the softness of worn linen under her aching fingers. - Many Worlds Hypothesis

2. “Oh my god, it works though.” - #wifeguy

3. There’s something a little magical about an airport at dawn, she thought. - A Little Swim

4. She’d almost cancelled on him. - You Come Through

5. It shouldn’t be but it is. - This world do the Next

6. She’s been behind her dressing screen for long enough that he’s becoming impatient, but he doesn’t bother her in her preparations. - Patience

7. She didn’t normally like to work in public, but Quỳnh had wanted to meet up during her lunch break, and Nile was in the middle of working out one of the most annoying bits of code she’d maybe ever encountered and hadn’t wanted to take too long of a break lest she lose the thread, so, working in public it was. - Action/Strategy

8. It’s a very tiny shack and it’s very cold. - Move On Over

9. Nile can still see Booker from where she’s crouched. - You're not my eater

10. If Nile never had to smell cigars again, it’d be too soon. - Don't Compare Me

on the whole i've gotten more verbose for sure. and less 'start the story with a strong hook'. i believe.

[itsclydebitches]

Ted lasso ask: Was Isaac avoiding Colin because of internalized homophobia, or bc he was upset he never told him, or was it a bit of both? Did Isaac attack the fan bc he was offended by what he said or to 'defend colin's honor'?

Ted Lasso ask woo!

Personally, I think it's an "All of the above" situation. In one of my previous posts I remember catching a tag arguing that Isaac isn't experiencing internalized homophobia, presumably because he himself is not gay and yeah, that's an understandable push-back considering that a) he's not out in the show and b) I never bothered to explain there my own thoughts on the possibility. The tl;dr of that is, "I think you can make a case for Isaac being queer based on his relationship with Colin, his intense reaction to realizing a teammate is gay, the potentially defensive nature of the anti-gay/'I'm totally straight, bro' jokes he makes - which, remember, Colin himself participated in as a kind of cover, raising the possibility that others are doing the same - and the reminder from Beard that more people in the locker room are queer than the three the audience knows about: Colin, Trent, and Will."

But to keep things simple here, let's just settle on, "Isaac has been homophobic." Whether it's internalized as he grapples with his own sexuality or not, Isaac has exhibited homophobic behavior in the past and, of course, after Colin's outing. It's not "Your conservative uncle spewing slurs and issuing death threats" homophobic, but just because there's a range in how homophobia presents doesn't mean it's not, you know, still homophobia. So that's something Isaac needed to deal with last episode. He's spent years making comments based in homophobia ("It's a little gay, isn't it?") and making assumptions about others presumed straightness (why in the world would Colin want privacy to delete those photos?), so when he's suddenly faced with the fact that someone he cares about is gay... he needs time to process that. Trent hit the nail on the head with his "give him a minute" line because not only do people need time when their worldview suddenly shifts like that, but it's a rare and joyous case where they react to that change solely with open-minded positivity. In Isaac's case, he used avoidance and anger as shields until he could come to terms with that change, significantly with Roy's help.

When Isaac says that he's upset that Colin didn't tell him I don't think he's lying... but I also don't think that's the entire truth. If this was only about Colin's trust in him then Isaac would have led with that from the get-go: seconds after he's taken Colin's phone it's, 'You're gay? Awesome! But man, why didn't you tell me? :( ' That obviously didn't happen. Trust is undoubtedly a part of Isaac's complicated feelings, but I think that only occurred to him after he'd come to terms with Colin being gay in the first place. Isaac had to accept that change in his worldview as well as this change in his perception of Colin and then, once he was in a place of, 'Yeah, yeah, Colin is my friend and teammate, of COURSE I accept him' he's able to go, ]Wait... why didn't he tell me??' and that anger becomes the next shield. By and large, people struggle to admit to their mistakes and they really struggle to admit to something as hurtful as, 'My homophobia was so deeply ingrained that unfortunately there was a moment where I wasn't sure I could get past that.' Once Isaac DOES get past it and it becomes unthinkable to him that he would have ever rejected Colin over something like who he's attracted to... it becomes that much harder to remember/acknowledge that, for an undetermined length of time, Isaac did exactly that. Don't talk to me (ignoring direct peace offerings). Don't touch me (removing his hand from under Colin's in the team pile-up). You're an easy target for my frustrations now that I know how freakish you are (screaming at Colin during the match). Isaac's homophobia was deep enough that it made him incredibly cruel for a time, so when he grows out of that of course he's going to struggle to admit precisely how cruel he was. So he doesn't. Isaac apologizes, but it's still deflected with this not-entirely-accurate justification of, 'I was mad you never told me.' Which doesn't make Isaac a bad person, it just makes him a person, period, with flaws and contradictions and the chance to improve.

All of which I think applies to the attack on the fan. Why does Isaac lash out like that?

Because he's still overcoming all the homophobia he's learned and he sees an accusation of being gay as the ultimate insult to his team

Because he may be struggling with his sexuality himself, so an accusation directed at him is even worse. It's not just that it may touch a nerve, but that anger is the only way to protect himself here: become enraged so that everyone watching - teammates, coaches, fans, the press, the world - knows that you're DEFINITELY not gay. That's unthinkable. That's impossible. That's worthy of an attack because to brush it off would be to implicitly suggest that being gay is okay and that's just one step from admitting that maybe you ARE gay. The fact that Isaac's dialogue is centered around, "What did you call me?" is one of the reasons why I personally read him as closeted/potentially not having questioned his own sexuality yet.

Because it wasn't actually a 'You're gay' accusation but a slur hurled by someone who is (presumably) not a part of the community and therefore has no right to reclaim it.

Because even while he struggles to accept Colin, Isaac still loves Colin so yes, there's that element of defending his honor.

Because his anger is reaching a tipping point and this attack - perfectly tailored to push the very buttons he's trying and failing to ignore - is what causes it to boil over.

So Isaac is complicated (because he's a well-written character!) and thus for me it's "All of the above." Personally, I LOVE that the episode's final scene didn't have Isaac suddenly being a Perfect Ally now. Not only is he asking a ton of questions that, while understandable, would make a lot of queer people uncomfortable af, especially given that they highlight Isaac's continuing biases (Colin is a very good friend for giving him the nonjudgmental space to ask all that), but he's also unable to say "I love you." What exactly does that mean? Perhaps that Isaac's residual homophobia won't let him say that to a man, especially a man he now knows is gay. Perhaps that the toxic masculinity he's grown up around - which is intimately tied to the homophobia - won't let him say it as a man, a black man, a man in a position of authority (note that Isaac is not there when the others scream Sam's, "I love you guys so very much!"). Perhaps it means that there is an element of internalized homophobia and Isaac can't say that to any man yet, let alone one he might be attracted to. Perhaps it's, again, all of the above. It's up to interpretation, but the takeaways is that of course Isaac loves Colin - he's eager to ensure Colin knows that in his own way - but the environment he's grown up in and his own personal struggles won't let him say the words yet. That's okay. Colin recognizes that it's okay, just gently pointing out that Isaac can't say it and silently encouraging him to continue working on that, regardless of what reason - or reasons - it's difficult in the first place.

[teaveetamer]

Okay, so let's address this since it's so obviously meant for us. And for the record, I'm not blocked by OP. I went to check their blog to see if they had anything else interesting to say about the conversation started yesterday. I'm taking a screencap because the post this is attached to has little to do with the issue at hand, and frankly my beef isn't with OP.

Personally, I wouldn't have screencapped the post. I believe that if someone blocks you then you should respect that and not interact with their posts. That's why I personally, when talking about the situation, did not reblog or spread the post with the screencaps further. Since I know Gascon will probably read this I'll make my feelings clear: I think it was a bad call to screencap someone who blocked you.

However, I'm not surprised that you, my not so anonymous dude, decided to present this entirely devoid of any context to make it seem to your friends and followers like there's somehow a moral equivalence between what you do and what was done in this situation. I know you struggle with nuance and context, so I'll spell it out very clearly.

Gascon was directly invited to contribute to a conversation. The user who invited him had no idea that Gascon was blocked by the OP of that post, because Gascon didn't even know he was blocked by the OP of that post. The invitation was a good faith attempt to engage and provide the OP with analysis from a user they believe has expertise in the subject at hand. Gascon screencapped the original conversation that he was invited into and probably would have never seen otherwise, in full with complete context, and gave his response (as well as notifying people that the user in question had him blocked).

Now, I'm not Gascon, but I can say with almost 100% certainty that he does not care to interact with this person beyond this encounter, and he was never going to be invested enough to actually seek this person out beyond what he'd been tagged to respond to. And I know this because Gascon has repeatedly said over the course of the last year that he's bored of 3H and has no interest in discussing it further unless specifically prompted by a third party.

You, on the other hand, have been relentlessly stalking and screencapping and harassing people for months now. You have no qualms about sending hate anyone's way, in fact you even pass blog names on to your buddies on Discord and Reddit and then brag when harassment happens. You find people on other social media sites to continue harassing them even after they've blocked you on one platform. Your blog has literally hundreds of screencaps from Nilsh and FantasyInvader and probably others that you use to whip your followers up into a frenzy. You are literally so obsessed with some users that you stalk their blog and then leave rude comments on the fics they recommend. You learn that you are blocked and you take it as a personal insult, and you do not stop harassing them until they have gotten so sick of you that they leave the platform entirely. And even then you don't stop. You still can't take Nilsh's name out of your mouth even though he's been gone for like six months. If you were a fictional character, I'd be Enemies to Lovers shipping you two by now with how obsessed with him you are. I mean really, full nine yards, 500k slowburn.

An analogy: you're basically saying a guy getting rejected by the same girl twice is the same level of harassment as a guy getting rejected by the same girl two hundred times. Like yeah, Guy #1 probably should have been better about hearing her "no" the first time and it was definitely an error in judgement to ask again. If she's upset by the interaction, I'd call him out. But good fucking lord it is not even remotely as severe as refusing to take no for an answer two hundred times. The only reason you would ever present them as equivalent is, frankly, if you are Mr. Two-Hundred and you're trying to make yourself look less creepy. You are Mr. Two-Hundred, my dude.

Also nice of you to continue insinuating that the women who call you out for your blatant harassment are all histrionic just because we don't like... *checks notes*... being stalked and harassed by some random 35 year old man on the internet over our opinions about a video game character. For your information, I'm neither screaming, crying, nor throwing up. I'm just holding you responsible for your behavior. Sorry if that upsets you, but there's a pretty simple solution to getting me to go away that you haven't tried yet. It's called leaving us the fuck alone like we've been asking you to for months. I would blissfully never talk about you ever again if you just stopped harassing people.

Not tagging you in this post because again, I don't encourage harassment. I doubt I need to tag you anyway, considering you've been stalking my blog ever since I called you out for that other little harassment situation you incited, so you'll definitely see it.

[bengiyo]

I posted 17,666 times in 2022

That's 14,011 more posts than 2021!

378 posts created (2%)

17,288 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@callipigio

@kandrakelsier

@benkaaoi

@negrowhat

@xagan

I tagged 7,657 of my posts in 2022

#bad buddy - 573 posts

#kinnporsche - 480 posts

#the eclipse series - 439 posts

#not me the series - 302 posts

#love in the air - 290 posts

#star trek - 251 posts

#sarge watches - 228 posts

#bl series - 177 posts

#our flag means death - 172 posts

#thai bl - 164 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#i just don't think you should be surprised when someone falls for you when you shove something into their mouth to show you care about them

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Big Dragon Ep 3 Stray Thoughts

When we last left the Shitty Boys, they were at a pool party with heavy pours, and I questioned the decision to allow so much glass near a pool. For the first time in a while, we reflected on the potential physical realities of overaggressive anal intercourse, and I lamented that BL rarely explores m/m intimacy beyond penetrative sex.

Yes, give us the pool shot again.

For all that I'm struggling a bit with this show, I do want to praise the visual production values from Star Hunter. This show has been very visually pleasing and easy on the eyes. There was a period in 2020 where everything was way too bright and white.

I forgot Mangkorn looked like a lifeguard.

I feel like if he was serious about destroying the phone, he'd microwave it. Also, in the age of cloud storage, the video is definitely not stored on the phone.

Mangkorn: "You're pretty stupid for a villain. Let's fuck again."

Oh, a frank request for consent followed by role-play. It's time to tag @lutawolf in, because the show is going there.

I think I like that the show ended that scene on a joke. I'm also glad that we have more shows presenting fellatio as a quickly-accessible form of m/m pleasure.

These two are so weird about each other.

Can't believe we had a scene where we had a mic'd actor brush his mic repeatedly and then change shirts. Pain.

And now they're on a date??

Oh, hey elder gays. And now this show had joined the call for marriage equality with a sad piano backing track. Add it to the list!

Really loving Thai BL this year being very plain about support for queer issues.

So Mangkorn runs off to buy noodles from a place right near Yai's condo? I mean it's nice since Yai is dealing with discomfort, but it still reads a bit weird to me.

I get that this scene is meant to show them contemplating each other, but I really hope it didn't take Yai hours to eat noodles in the same spot while Mangkorn was working.

I enjoyed Da. Hopefully we see her again.

The communication between Yai and his guards leaves much to be desired.

Another show with ghosts? Well, she's using her powers for good. I wonder how many points that cost her.

Should we start a running tally of damaged phones in this show? Current count: 2

We go from yearning for marriage equality to an arranged marriage only the dads seem into. The whiplash.

88 notes - Posted October 22, 2022

#4

It's been a while since I watched a MAME show. Everyone is very attractive, but I'm always slightly frowning about something.

90 notes - Posted August 20, 2022

#3

180 Degree Longitude Passes Through Us Ep 3 Thoughts

I'm still not over the architectural bars in the middle of In's room.

Wang is attractive in a way that feels unusual for Thai dramas I'm used to.

The confidence in the ritualistic way In made that coffee was kinda hot.

The flirting over coffee and speaking between the lines brought me back to 1000 Stars for a moment. It's kinda interesting that Coffee Melody hasn't hit this level of sexual tension over coffee.

It's absolutely captivating watching a show from Thailand where the cinematography feels intentional the entire time. The conversation over breakfast is mostly just A-B cuts, but putting In and Sawimol in one frame highlights the choices they've made as adults that separates them from Wang. Going to the wide shot of the table highlights the gulf between both parties. Then, as soon as Sawimol exits, the two men are reaching across that Gulf over shared purpose. Finally, the overhead shot and pan indicates that they've reached a private accord. I'm gonna lose it.

I think I am glad that Wang apologized to his mom, even if the inherent codependency of their dynamic worries me. I think it's okay for Wang to disapprove of the dated nature of some of her work, but it was indeed incredibly rude for him to deride her the way he did.

In explaining that he doesn't cry by avoiding things that make him sad...while standing next to the cage...is just going to drive me insane. The way he walked away from Wang to the desk frames him such that he retreats behind the bars.

I'm not sure Wang even knows what he wants from In.

I liked the bridge-buiding montage. It seems like Wang did not get much of an experience he enjoyed at his boarding school, so there was probably something enjoyable masculine about the labor.

These two are unsubtle about the way they discuss risk taking. In is set in his reserve, and Wang is firmly opposed.

Oh lord here the Thai boys go again getting their whole pant legs wet around bathing.

In takes a glance, but always walks away from desire when it creeps up with Wang.

There were so many people hired for this surprise.

Oh my goodness I'm going to exit my corporeal form. If my family hired performers to do an almost interpretive dance as they sung happy birthday with a violinist before a guy with a globe-shaped cake exited a giant present box, I would probably just die right there.

This time, when describing the game, the A-B framing puts Wang on the bottom of the frame with his mom. Interesting that the last time we had this, In was presented as more equal. Wang may know what his mom is up to, but he's not really in control.

Man, the constant use of metaphor is something I've missed even in queer cinema. This show is a real treat for me.

Ah, we have a conceit to remove the mom from the story for a few days. Something LGBT is definitely going to happen.

Confirming that In and Siam we're intimate only brings up more questions, like why were they sorry it happened?

Man, this show is just so different from the usual fare. I enjoy BL immensely, but I am a sucker for this particular brand of queer melancholia tinged with hope and exploration.

107 notes - Posted August 29, 2022

#2

I really am just so happy about the end of Minato’s Laundromat. Japan didn’t let us down on that one. We got a solid set of kisses, some great relief flirting, and a very tasteful double-confirmation about sating desires. I really couldn’t ask for more from this particular scenario.

Moreover, Shin never had to sublimate his feelings! He still gets to be a doctor, but he chose to do it near the person he values most.

Hell, even Asuka and Shuu get to work out their dynamic!

I’m in a good mood today.

121 notes - Posted September 14, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

I am a gay man sitting on his porch in a robe with a hot cup of coffee observing the behaviors of the winds and birds. I give a small sniff and say, "The lesbians are on the move."

I adjust my radio and listen to the advertisement for Gap one more time and nod sagely before sitting in my rocking chair. "Guess we'll need more plates," I muse before taking a sip as the cries of joy begin to rise in the distance.

(Congratulations on the Gap trailer release!)

253 notes - Posted November 5, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[misscammiedawn]

When you tag as #dawnposting or #cammieposting, is that like the difference between top/bottom posting? Or am I totally wrong there?

I have long feared the day I would need to explain this. I knew it would have to happen, even if I put in my quick explanation in my Masterpost.

The last time I had spoken on this topic on Twitter I got some severe anon hate for it and it did a little bit of harm to me. I would prefer not to emulate that experience. It was discomforting.

I shall post the easily digestible short version here and then a long version under readmore.

Quickly spoken, yes. That's correct. When I type from the perspective of a somft sweet morsel who yearns I am Cammie Posting. When I am posting from the perspective of someone who likes to pull hair, bite necks and listen to a partner whimper against me as my lips brush their earlobe and I order them to BEG. - That's Dawn Posting.

Then there's Camden Posting which could easily be renamed BPD Posting.

But I guess we have the long version under readmore...

So let's talk dissociative disorders and "plurality". With the caveat that I still consider myself a pwBPD with mood swings that happen to have easily definable names and behaviors.

I am no expert and though I have plural friends, I distance myself from the plural community and their resources because I refuse the label. I find it a complicated relationship and the syscourse does me more harm than any amount of external acceptance, which my brain would reject as bias, could ever do.

So... I 100% have BPD. That's TRIPLE confirmed at this point. BPD is on the dissociative disorder spectrum. It doesn't matter if you're using DES-II, MID or the interview. BPD is there.

...and therapists just... don't seem to ever give folx with BPD a test to see where they are on that spectrum for some reason? Despite Identity Disturbance and Dissociation being 2 of the 9 criteria. I suffer both. Unambiguously. That I know.

Dissociative Experience Scale rates between PTSD, cPTSD, BPD, OSDD and DID. There is so much more to these things than just "multiple personalities" (there's somatic experiences, amnesia barriers, fugue experiences and so much more) and I'm not about to go sharing my physical symptoms because it's none of anyone's business and I hide that shit from people I live with. But I am aware of the depths of this thing... even when parts of me insist otherwise.

And the cause is known, too... Regardless of where on the scale I land, I am on that scale.

So the question is. Do I count as OSDD-1 on top of or instead of my BPD? I do not know. I have expressed as much as I am able to my therapist and they are monitoring me. But they refuse to talk to me about it, likely for fear of shifting the results. I refuse to chase up on it because, plainly spoken, it near about broke me to raise the topic once. I am not going to force myself to talk about it again.

An issue with it is though that it's a covert illness and fights to keep itself hidden. 80% of the time I think I am an attention seeking monster who deserves to be exposed, hurt and exiled. I hate that I indulge in this delusion and just want my therapist to say "YOU ARE FAKING." And be done with it. Luckily I'm presently in that 20% sweet spot and intend to do everything in my power to not delete the post once shared.

So, if I am so defensive and in denial, why am I having myself checked up and utilizing tags which seem to imply I have decided I am?

...and that... is a question that most of me is still struggling with. However, the long story short is, someone I love removed my ability to run from it.

I beg indulgence in not going over the childhood stuff. The earliest signs. I cannot even tell those I trust half of these things and I surely would not care to introduce them to the zeitgeist.

What I shall say, starting in my early 20s, is that I am, as a human being, TERRIFIED of sex (I'll leave it up to your imagination as to why) and I was married in an apparently cishet relationship with an allosexual for 11 years (my journals and a surprisingly large stack of evidence suggests. I was quite aware of my transgender and asexual labels even that early, but I hid them from myself and my partner. Which--- given all I am typing, sounds familiar).

Now here comes the complicating factor that not even my therapist knows how to navigate around. The reason I don't enjoy talking about this stuff and avoid the plural community. HYPNOSIS FETISH PERSONALITY PLAY.

It is so easy to type "I have never had sex outside of an altered headspace". It's so easy to type "My first hypnotist was an abusive asshole who developed entire headspaces for me to inhabit in order to serve him and one was a demure submissive gentile girl and the other was a firm and bold dominant who was unstoppable and he kept me in those headspaces for 7+ years, programming switches to keep my "normal" self unaware of my activities." It is easy to type "I taught my wife how easily and readily my brain can and will switch into "character" headspaces and so in order to have sex with a partner who was incapable of doing it, we worked together to summon our tabletop characters from my soul for kink purposes"

It gets complicated when I try to take those things in the past and apply it to Out Of Scene stuff. It's important to bring it up. I think the fact that I have no memory of engaging in sex with my partner over the course of our 11 year marriage is a VERY IMPORTANT THING to bring up in these discussions. But it was self-inflicted. So...

To put on my educator cap for a moment, I shall remind that this is why one must practice safety when engaging in physical or psychological edgeplay and perhaps you should, as a traumatized person, avoid abusing loopholes to trick their way into doing things that regularly would cause them to completely shut down. Heavens the younger version of myself was a stupid child. But she loved her wife. She wanted to be the person that she needed to be. She was willing to literally cast herself aside in order to do that.

Now, outside of scene, well? Was I fine? Was I rigid and firm and knowing who I am?

No. I had already mentioned Identity Disturbance, remember? I have journal entries from 2003 where I say that I "play myself as a character", I have ones from 2005 where I equate the idea of a voice in my head having the scent of lavender and my mother's voice... and while dating and married I had a soft and sweet affectionate mode "Kitty". It's what she called me. The immature and silly little girl. Nothing like the firm and hard boss who existed at work where I ran a market and handled a staff. Miss Manager, as a friend referred to her as.

Then you have me. The one who has an insatiable hypnosis fetish while dealing with a fear of sex. Someone who wants too pin people down to beds and hear them whimper when the very thought of doing that elicits such shame that I collapse in on myself and try to delete my accounts. I shamefully admit I have succeeded more times than I care to count.

Incidentally the existence of journals going back to 2003 offers some mild evidence of its own. Especially the huge gaps where I had deleted chatlogs and entries and pushed things away.

Sad to say I am hardly the healthiest or most adjusted human.

It's interesting to read my journals from the era of my divorce. There are so many obvious signs of it. Moments I was in "flow state" and was the person I wanted to be for a little bit, or the moments I got a sudden rush of Power and used it to control someone I was flirting with.

Within my marriage, I was well and truly hidden and any attempt to step outside of the bounds of the relationship was to be treated internally as cheating, shameful, awful. Outside of my marriage it was freeing, liberating. It was exploration of my new found ability to interact within fetish communities, my new found comfort within my gender expression and as that comfort grew, my ability to do what I do grew.

And so ignorant of my circumstances, I, collectively, began to rely on "me" - in plural terms "Camden started wanting to be Dawn". And that isn't how any of this works. I would soon find out I couldn't just activate what, at the time, I called "Strong Mode". It doesn't just turn on when I need it to. It needs to happen naturally when the mood and vibes are right. But I was growing closer to Sleepyhead and she had a way of drawing it out of me so I was starting to get comfortable doing that. Being that. Becoming that. Not via a hypnosis scene, as would happen in my marriage, but just by intention. Internalizing that those characters were me and I am capable of doing what they do.

Incidentally I have chatlog from that abusive hypnotist who turned me into his recruitment doll. My typing style shifted when I was "in character" and it matches how I present now. Which was truly terrifying to recognize, particularly as decades had robbed from me memories of the shady depths of which he had pushed me in that arrangement.

There had been so many reactions of "wait, I could do that?" Even in the early days. I do not understand how abilities that only exist in one headspace work, but I also know I lost my ability to run a movie theatre a lot. But surely I was just tired, or distracted or having an "off" day.

Any time I was struggling against it I simply rationalized. When I ended a fun evening with my friends and realized how much of an immature and playful idiot I had been the entire night I would be flooded with shame for how I had acted. I would often complain that no one got to see who I am in an empty room because once other people are there I "turn into a completely different person"

Which, again, is just BPD. That's BPD. I'm describing BPD.

Which brings us to the Acceptance Arc, where I stop hiding behind BPD and start accepting that I may be fractured.

I had started dating Daja this year. I have enough knowledge at this point to be able to predict myself. So when setting boundaries, warnings and limits I discussed heavily and openly the bounds of my, then diagnosed, BPD and how my moods change at random.

Because the mood shifts are something I had internalized by this point. I knew that I would just become emotionally disengaged from a scene at random. I was inconsistent. Unreliable. Dare I say "broken".

I warned her that during a scene I was topping I could lose "that energy" and just disengage and that it wouldn't be her fault. It just happens.

When we met and had started play, our friendship was at least 11 years old, she took care and attention to watch me in my different "Modes" and she had not just recognized them but she could see the differences. When and where the shifts occurred. How it impacted me to be called by different names at different times.

There had been moments in the proceeding years where Sleepyhead had accidentally gotten it right and it made me giddy. Moments where I noticed myself acting "In a mood" while driving and needed to have myself "pull the breaks".

But this was the first time someone looked in my eyes, saw what was happening in my head and commented on it for me. During a scene with Dawn, Daja reached out and brushed her cheek tenderly and the emotion melted as a shift in tempo occurred and she knew before anything was said that I had "lost" myself and was in a different place now.

That weekend she paid attention and learned me in ways I honestly feel undeserving of. It seems unfair to rely that heavily on another person. But no matter my mood, no matter my manner; she SAW me. Called me by my name(s) and... suddenly I couldn't hide anymore.

How can you tell that feeling that wells in your heart when what's happening inside is what's seen outside? Up until then I just felt insane. The incongruity was just part of being alive.

When I am in a certain headspace, I am consumed by self-doubt and paranoia. I know myself to be delusional. Irrational. Manipulative. Thus I cannot trust myself and if I cannot trust myself I trust everyone else and go with their views of me. Which fits in with the BPD catalogue, anyway. I adapt to my surroundings. Become what I am perceived to be. Because I need other people to perceive me in order to be.

So... I try to mirror someone who holds a mirror to me? I can't escape what I see and what I see is contradictory and it is pleased to hear its own name and it wants things which it knows it cannot have.

...and that makes things tough. Because now here I am, slowly accepting myself as a fractured individual. Someone who compartmentalized her sexual desires vs her fear and hatred of sex. As someone who yearns to be cared for vs someone who has experienced homelessness and refuses to allow ourselves to rely on another person in order to survive. As someone who wants to push people away vs someone who wants to hold them close. As someone who wants to die vs someone who wants to live. As someone who wants to live openly and embrace the term plural vs someone who wants to repress it and reject it and hide.

I keep telling myself I am not allowed to openly "embrace" myself until I receive a diagnosis and my present therapist seems rather uninterested in exploring the possibility. They gave me a DES-II and did not even comment on the results. I feel toyed with by someone who refuses to engage or educate, as if I am stuck with a caseworker whose job is to report to insurance so I may get my surgery and medication. It is frustrating.

I use the tags because I know the joy I feel when Daja calls me by the right names. I use the tags because I do not want to feel like the actions and opinions of myself as Dawn should impact the way Cammie is perceived. I use the tags because it flies under the radar and lets me express without stating a truth. I use the tags because I like to know Daja can see me, even when I post online.

And to be honest? I wrote all of that above because I'd convinced myself no one would click the readmore and I'd be safe just pretending to be "Sub, Domme and Mentally Ill" tags.

Anyway. I shared way more than I'm comfortable with. I'll suppress the urge to delete it after I press post.

Update: Hey! I'm not ready to talk about it publicly but you'll never GUESS what I got diagnosed this year >.>;;;

[miralyk]

✦ 15 questions, 15 mutuals ✦

got tagged by @stealingpotatoes for this meme, thank you!

Were you named after anyone?

no, i technically named myself! i had troubles learning languages when growing up, and whenever speech therapists tried to teach me to say my birth/legal name, i kept on saying "mimi" instead, so the nickname stuck! aside from that, my other nickname kao is taken from a maplestory npc of the same name,, a character who's supposed to be the "future version" of your player character, so things keep going full circle

When was the last time you cried?

a few nights ago;; i was rewatching some satoshi kon films, millennium actress and tokyo godfathers definitely got to me esp since i'm a sap in the first place, his filmography does not hold punches when it comes to hitting emotions

Do you have kids?

i have endless neglected OCs, other closest option is the local murder of crows i befriended ghghkdj, there's some new fledglings i've seen fly after me along w the adults (you can tell bc young crows have the insides of their beaks be pink!); aside from that, i think this stray black cat that visits me a lot could count, but he could be an old man and not count, idk how old he is

Do you use sarcasm a lot?

i do like dry and/or deadpan humor (esp in the "jokingly points out the obvious" way), so sarcasm's def a thing i like to sometimes hear and say! regardless, it's still p lowkey and modest, i don't want to be overly dramatic or annoying w sarcasm

What's the first thing you notice about people?

for both online and in-person, usually how they present themselves, like visuals (clothes, icon, art style, etc) and how they talk and interact!

What's your eye colour?

brown 👁️👁️ they're super dark they're nearly black too

Scary movies or happy endings?

BOTH,, TECHNICALLY,,,,,, i'm a fan of both "horror" and "kind" stories esp for elements of both something something harrowing ordeals of existence, the struggles, etc but still earning better outcomes and surviving esp w loved ones, and one time i got compared to (Both) miyazaki and ito in this meme 😭

Any special talents?

i don't know, maybe crocheting and plush sewing...? or befriending animals esp those w "bad luck" stigma like crows or black cats

Where were you born?

californiaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, still never left

What are your hobbies?

i like to draw, play games, crochet, sew, pet + feed cats/crows, the like! i swear i'm normal, i'm not a witc--

Have any pets?

my older sister's insistent on saying he's Her Pet™, but i take care of a marbled tabby cat lilo (3 years old now), he's a goofy guy!

What sports do/have you played?

i don't know if wii sports counts but that's the best i got

How tall are you?

5'0",,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, it haunts me

Favourite subject at school?

very basic and predictable answer, but art, even before i applied for my school's BFA/animation program LMAO

Dream job?

storyboard artist!! especially w good union networking and experience to collaborate w other cool peers and have financial stability, health insurance, retirement savings, etc; aside from that, i'd consider also posting youtube videos esp for talking about or creating more art, but i don't want to have that be my main source of income bc of how stressful that can be esp in a practical financial sense, not to mention i don't have nor want to have the,, self-aggrandizing Performative Act ghdfjkg

thank you so much for tagging me; i don't want to peer pressure anyone into doing this as well, but if you're a friend/mutual, feel free to do so \o/!

[septembersghost]

what do you do when you feel like dean is far away from you? i woke up the other day and it feels like the two characters that've been with me the last three years are further away than ever and i don't know how to feel about it other than freaked out. weird question maybe but i figured you might relate

oh anon darling, i'm so sorry you're experiencing this, and know how much it can hurt and even cause that unsettled feeling. i honestly wish there was a simple solution that i could give you to immediately mend it, but the truth is, it's been an ongoing struggle for me as well. the usual solutions that i'd imagine someone else might give would be to rewatch favorite episodes (which I've not been able to bring myself to do since 2021), or find a comforting fic to read (which unfortunately for many reasons i don't personally do, but i'd never discourage you from that if it might help!). it's hard to even go through the tag or participate in fandom things for an array of reasons too, so it's left me a bit adrift trying to figure out how to keep him very present and alive here while still protecting myself from some of what was causing me continued wounded distress. i know i've made some more lighthearted posts about this and him showing up and very warmly and strongly reaching out to me in dreams, and maybe it's silly but that's stood as a powerful source of knowing how much he's still with me and lives in me, that when i've worried and hurt about him drifting, he shows up to remind me that would never happen. he is always a part of my heart and being, held safe there. but that's my own experience and of course doesn't necessarily alleviate the day-to-day distance we feel. he's not the only character i've been struggling with this over either, though he's the most intimately dear. it's a uniquely sad feeling, those connections to characters we love is so personal that the loss of that in any way is very real. it's not a weird question at all, and i do relate. maybe an unhelpful suggestion, but have you thought about watching some good amvs (sometimes not as hard as watching whole episodes), or even listening to some of the music he loved in the show? just sparking that connection and memory a little. all i can suggest otherwise is to remind yourself of why he matters to you and why you held him close, because that always, always exists and can never be diminished or taken from you. remember what he stood for and what spoke to you in the story, and how that love you feel is also as real as any other.

and you can always talk to me if you want to, i'm here and understand and we're in it together 💙

(also anon, since no one really asks me dean questions anymore, i love and was touched to get this. thank you.)

[rhythmic-idealist]

Wow, that reblog on that trans woman's post was really obnoxious. No one is fucking responsible for someone else's trauma. If you can't refrain from making people WHO HAVE PERSONALLY DONE NOTHING TO YOU uncomfortable, afraid or ashamed then that's on you, no one else.

Also, knock the condescension down a notch or three.

Well, I typed a response here and it's been just thrown into the void by Tumblr, so I'll do my best. It's wordier now, because I'm sleepy, but I felt you deserved a thoughtful response (which you don't need to read, but deserve the option to read). Deleting the tags.

The tags, for posterity (I think that reading a post about something that's been deleted can be both stressful and useless without context):

If it's worth anything to you, here are the other points? In the end this bit does not matter but I know some people will generally prefer to know what was going through my head here (and others will not! I personally am reassured by knowing Why someone said some weird shit):

Basically on first read I thought that last sentence was doing a sort of weird and needless "ummm if you look at your trigger you're not traumatized??" at people doing the normal good faith act of Being Traumatized About Penises and seeking good faith advice on how to be normal. This is not because I assume transphobes speak in good faith: it's because I somehow didn't realize the last paragraph was addressed to people who say they should't have to see trans women's bulges in public. This felt very strange to me, and was not me assuming OP Would Say A Thing Like That. It in fact startled me so much that I was like what I'm confused by this. I failed to read grammar.

Back when I thought it said that I still had no problem with it being said. Raises the question of if a tag saying I disagree with it is a reasonable thing to do but also not a question we need to answer since, well, the decision has long been "I'm more comfortable deleting the tags regardless"

I want to be extremely fucking clear to any potential transphobes in the audience. Being triggered by specifically trans women's penises/bulges isn't a thing. Reasons for this do include but are not limited to the fact that you literally do not know the gender of a person when you are looking at them. But that is also, like, perhaps the smallest fucking reason and maybe even a distracting one to bring up here. --- IF there is one person in the world for whom it is a thing, then sure, literally anything is possible, surely someone somewhere is triggered by guys who do tapdances in funny little hats or whatever. No discourse is required about that and no one is doing anything wrong by existing. --- Being specifically uncomfortable with trans women is a thing. White women feeling uncomfortable around black men is also a thing. This is called bias, and, even (especially!) when it manifests internally as fear, absolutely fucking must be worked on and overcome.

Anyway, thanks for the message.

This is a REAL long post about something that I don't want to accidentally present as more... struggling for adjectives here.... than it is because of the length of the post? This is also hard to articulate. What I mean is that my tags were never about a very strong opinion and that my opinions of OP were never negative. What I do NOT mean is that the OTHER side of this interaction is something that must be downplayed. Reasonable response, ty.

Final addition that for the record I don't think I was ever saying anyone is responsible for anyone else's trauma, I was very much saying the opposite? I was saying that so many other ways in which penis related trauma is triggered can just be other completely innocent parts of day to day life, so the existence of trans women is not some kind of exception. Especially if you're not going to indict the sheer existence of cis men, but also, even if you are going to (it's a bad take).

I still think they were bad tags though so they're gone now.