#Idk man; I just never had this happen to me before-
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how i interpreted the bertholdt thing was that arminās understanding of annie deepened bc of bertholdtās memories, not that it necessarily controlled his feelings (like how eren implied)
i reallyyy like aruani as a concept. they mean so much to me. āgirl who doesnāt care for lifeā āboy who cares so muchā (i also just love them as characters so much)
i think the downside for them was how long ago s1 was.
warning rant underneath (im embarrassed im so sorry)
iād been such a long time fan but dropped off when there was a hiatus of the anime and decided ill just binge the manga when itās done. the only real reason annie was on my mind was bc of how dedicated i was to the rba dynamic and how much i loved annie (and fanon annie) as a character. but she truly wasnāt a character for nearly half of the series.
i even knew someone who saw her in the crystal and asked me āwhoās that?ā
i think she suffered from fandom slightly but now it being canon ig they were right. it was a little annoying for fandom (a small part of it) deciding that every character needed to be paired off with each other and that annie must be in love with one of the boys she tolerates. maybe that was a small reason i found the canonicity so out of nowhere?
bc i love fanon ships for sillies but making a female character HAVE to hinge on a relationship with a man rubbed me the wrong way. but thatās not what aruani is in canon and im so thankful for that. but i still wish there was more
it sucks because there was really no way of developing her or their relationship while she was in the crystal and idek how someone could properly execute it but it was very jarring for her to come out of an absence that was longer than the timeskip for the readers. we hadnāt even seen her for i think six years? and then immediately she is fully canon with a character that we had followed for all the time sheād been missing.
idk i wish they had more. i wish it wasnāt hints. i wish it wasnāt the assumption that they must be romantic because of this, this and this.
their stuff in season 1 was so nice. i remember being so intrigued. but thatās all it kinda was? we never had a reason. why did she spare him? why did she seem to care about him in particular? why did she want to ābe a good personā for him? so interesting.
but weā¦ never get an answer? is it because he called her nice? she clearly had empathy for him before that. but that wasnāt something ever shown. even the compilation of moments always seems to start in the middle of a blossoming relationship. there was never a moment that solidified their mutual respect and interest for each other. itās just something that justā¦ happened? off screen?
rereading all these years later, i can catch these things and be like ohhhh yeah ig that was them liking each other. but when it was happening in real time, it was the most jarring and insane jump. i was like woah woah buddy what is going on.
sudden blushing and confession was so crazy to me. it felt so sudden. and so did other ships. it felt like āofc they were in love the whole time theyāre a woman and a man who have some interest in each otherļæ½ļæ½
honestly, something that could have been implemented maybe was that armin was genuinely talking to her not because he was in love with her but he did genuinely āwant to see herā. maybe a scene of him reflecting on maybe why he wanted to talk to her so badly (he kinda does but i want it to circle back to his regrets and maybe acknowledging all the times she spared him or cared about him to a certain capacity). maybe a flashback of why annie respected armin so much. or when their relationship started.
and maybe showing him visiting her throughout? but from a lore perspective, i feel like that still wouldnāt work. sigh im so sorry. i have so many feelings and I donāt think Iāve ever actually written it out before š
idk im so sorry im rambling SO BAD. i think snk deserved to have a lot more breathing room and filler. letting my children just breathe and talk for a second. (i think thatās why junior high was so good and so well received)
i love this manga so much and i know some people hate the ending but i personally really love this series and itās overall message and think itās so well written. and i love anyone who is passionate about anything and loves things. i just like to write improvements or brainstorm headcanon/how i would tweak thingsš
anyways
isayama put his whole pussy into making yumihisu so explicitly romantic and intimate and loving throughout their entire relationship and decided he was done for the day<3
why did isayama put his whole pussy into yumihisu after saying he canāt write romance. and then fumble when it came to the straights.
#long post#oh my god donāt look at me this is so embarrassing#i love you all so much im so sorry if said something wrong#i promise i really like everything everyone i just wish writing was better#with the conversations in the comments/replies im like also getting the perspective of#maybe he canāt write straight romance bc of being shy or it being too personal#or that maybe men and women on a romantic level donāt need or donāt have a deep connection#and potentially them just being a man and a woman is enough for love#armin fr bagged a baddie for no reason other than his autistic swag#they didnāt have to talk. he just had to sit there and look pretty. and she just had to body slam his bestie.#idk man. i just ranted an entire essay for no reason#I literally have a paper due what the fuck am i doing#i hope this doesnāt come off as āI HATE YOUR SHIPā or āYOURE DUMB IF YOU LIKE THIS OR THINK IT MAKES SENSEā#because tbh i like everything and could write just as long of an essay about any ships dynamics and value#i just think that every romance EXCEPT YUMIHISU FOR SOME REASON is written kinda shallowly and the ships deserve better#and if you think theyāre perfect as is that is 100% cool too and i would love to hear why!#i just like talking to people and listening to different perspectives and hear what people are passionate about#oh my god im even yapping in the tags#txt#too much text#aot#snk#aruani#meta#i guess
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Initial thoughts while watching arcane s2 act 1, spoilers below
Ep 1:
Literally in disbelief that Mel ended up alive, surely thought they were going to kill her and thus spark off Ambessa's arc
Absolutely unhinged that Viktor's last wish was for Jayce to destroy the hexcore and he uses it to save his life. There will surely be no repercussions from this action
Caitlyn and Vi hugging stfuuuuuuu
I really wish we had gotten to see Caitlyn defending Vi to the Enforcers instead of just hearing about it. I think that would've been really helpful for Cait's arc as well as made their future rift more impactful :/
That chem baron attack had me on the edge of my seat !! If they actually killed Mel in that moment I would've been so mad that I wondered about her for three years then found out she was alive then saw her die.... not yet at least :|
Okay but was the chem baron lady always that fit? Like,,,,hello
Cait and Vi fighting together is *chef's kiss*
Made a joke that Ambessa was late to the party cause she was watching her own music video to hype herself up. If only :(
Caitlyn storming in and claiming herself as a decorated officer and leader of House Kiramman to get her way holyyyyyy shit girl get it
Ep 2
These little differently animated opens are so slay
Very fun to see behind the curtain of this power grab. Love Sevika saying they don't give up their own people. She has changed somehow??
Super fun watching Sevika and Jinx reminisce about being Silco's henchwomen. They say behind every strong man, lol
Viktor waking up?!?!? Hehe he's nakey. They made Jayce give him a blanket so we wouldn't know about his arcane pee pee, sad
Affection that held us together??? Yaoi
They just love throwing more and more irreparable moments at Vi and Jinx's relationship huh? Talking about the arcade and how sad Jinx was to see Vi as an Enforcer using the gas :((((
Caitlyn's rage??? Okay girl go off. Let us see your rage. I support women's wrongs
Jinx's line about taking out the only family she has left kill me
Viktor as Jesus is not what I was expecting but I'm here for it
Ep 3:
So fascinated by the Kiramman lore and The Gray
Also, just have to say that the intro is so good and I never would have expected comfortable clothes for everyone but it's giving. Whoever put Cait in a black turtle neck thank youuuu
*kinda blacked out and missed stuff in this episode cause* CAITVI KISS LETS GO HAJAFHSJSKFK
Scientist team up is delightful
Definitely thought the temple fight was gonna be ep 9, very interesting fight and dynamic, it makes me very sad :(
"You're not my sister" ahhhhhhhh
I've taken ventilation classes before and idk how Jinx made the air do that lol
Cait and Vi break up scene, hundreds dead thousands injured. It's me, I'm dead
I'm so ready to witness all of Caitlyn's wrongs
Def blacked out most of ep 3 and missed quite a bit of note taking cause so much was happening. Can't wait to go back and process it all again. Until then I'm going to keep wallowing
#arcane#arcane s2#arcane season 2#arcane s2 spoilers#arcane season 2 spoilers#arcane spoilers#vi x caitlyn#caitlyn x vi#caitlyn kiramman#vi arcane#piltover's finest#caitvi#jayce talis#mel medarda#ambessa medarda#viktor arcane#jinx#jinx arcane#mine#sevika
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Today, something really freaking weird happened that may never happen to me ever again. Okay, so do you know SpaghettiOs-
If ya don't know, they are like. This canned food with these little circular noodles and meatballs. That's it. Well, just a few minutes ago, I was hungry so I decided to make me some.
But, as I was scooping them out, I noticed that they seemed... strange. Off. Usually, the meatballs are stacked on top, so I didn't notice anything was off until I had already scooped out some. Anyway, the noodles seemed way smaller than I remembered them being. Like, the little circles were w a y smaller, teeny tiny little things.
I was starting to get really weirded out and sort of upset. I mean, here I was hungry, and I was getting freaking scammed out of my big noodles 'cus they made the noodles teeny tiny this time for some reason. But then, I saw.
A "K."
The more I looked, the more I realized.
My SpaghettiO's came with alphabet soup.
I dug around some more, and sure enough. My SpaghettiO's had alphabet soup noodles. How??? I don't know and I never will. I am just sure I will never have this happen to me ever again.
The moral of the story. I didn't have SpaghettiO's for dinner, man. I had the entire Spaghetti Alphabet.
So. That's my Tuesday night, how has yours been-
#Don't worry guys#They tasted fine. The exact same as they normally do#Why are you looking at me like that; yes of course I freaking ate them-#Welcome to Pastel's crap posts#Today we have freaking SpaghettiO's with alphabet soup noodles#Why did I feel the need to share this???#Idk man; I just never had this happen to me before-#I feel like the universe is trying to tell me something#āPasteeellll... You need to be writing your freaking fic; Pastel-ā#The universe trying to get me to write by inserting the entire English alphabet into my freaking noodles#Somehow get me to absorb words into my subconscious by literally getting me to devour them#Well sucks for you universe#I'm too clever for that-
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itās 5:20am i cannot sleep i am consumed with thoughts and yearning for keigo takami i need to be euthanized
#literally these days all i do is Lay Awake and Wither Away#the nightmares have been exponentially worse lately#fun fact ur local fanfic author has Problems.#idk man thereās just something haunting about having reoccurring nightmares about your ex and every time u close ur eyes itās throwing u#right back into the pit of hell that was that relationship#itās fine itās fine itās fine i just no Longer Trust People#anyways this is a vent post and it is so cringe and lame#i just have never Hated an ex before so thereās a lot iām coming to terms with especially considering how Fake he is#idek man IDEK!!!!!1!!1!1!#i rlly sacrificed so much to love and live with him and he said āmmmmmm now i have u in my gripā#whatever itās fine heās stinky and honestly the fact honey (the blog intern and my cat) doesnāt miss him AT ALL says so much#seriously she is so nonplussed by his absence itās wild#eating fine sleeping fine shitting fine#SAYS A LOT. SAAAAYS A LOT. whatever whatever whatever#i would hit that emotionally immature man with my car if given the chance and yknow what. nick if ur reading this youāre one of the#most.#emotionally immature people ive ever had the misfortune of knowing.#what a shame you lost me#the best thing and healthiest thing that ever happened to you#because of your own actions and your own inability to take accountability for your mental health and actions#tell your mom i say hi#and tell your exes im sorry i ever doubted any of them x_x#WEEEEE what a vent#listen to big sister birbs when she says donāt date men who have something horrific to say about each of their exes
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why should it just be steve who has all the torturous purgatory realm fun?
#dbd#myart#wip#quick clarification for those only familiar with the american version of ringu: sadako is 19.#anyway. I love that dbd lets me explore steve and nancy's characters outside the bullshit that the show is.#because the whole steve and nancy dynamic is Interesting. but the dustbags are plagued by cerebral hetrot so that story never GOES anywhere#it's just the āWaaaah love triangle OMG!!! will they? won't they?ā crap. idk man. idc. why're these dumbasses breathing in Upside down air?#some people here have seen lucy before-- he is the ghostface pictured. and he's an OC. different person entirely from danny.#I won't explain his full lore here but-- he was a drag queen before the fog who started out by only killing those who he felt deserved it.#his entire persona satirises catholicism and he calls himself āthe holy ghostā rather than ghostface. the entity made him an actual devil.#he's obsessed with steve because he LIVES his own role so he sees steve as his heroic opposite or some fucked up gay shit like that.#he's clutching kate's heart because if he were a real character in the game-- he'd have two moris.#one standard... and one for if a steve is present in the lobby. the second would involve him carving out the heart of a survivor as a gift.#he never harms steve though-- so it makes steve's penchant for self-sacrifice pointless.#steve instead has to do what he can to open the gates as fast as possible-- or watch everyone else die! :)#as for the toxic yuri-- it occurred to me that sadako's backstory bears some striking similarities to barb's story.#as soon as I realised this-- it was like I had suddenly gained the ability to see a new colour I could not see before.#sadako wanting to torment nancy as sick revenge for what happened to her but using barb's death as justification for this...#...nancy being unable to escape the ghost of barb... even in this hell dimension full of terrifying monsters--#it is still the memory of the girl she feels she āletā die in steve's pool that scares and hurts her the most.#not to mention that sadako's powers are reminiscent of how the upside down related fuckery appears...#the screwy technology. the telekinesis.#I just REALLY love seeing characters be forced to confront difficult parts of themselves even if that shit REALLY hurts.#dbd makes it so easy to do that to any given character. of course this goes both ways too-- it'd force lucy & sadako to change too.#which opens the door for torment on their end too because killers who disobey the entity are tortured into obeying.#a rock and a hard place on both ends. and that is Exactly how I like it. intense. complicated-- a puzzle to be solved.
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Apparently my job incorrectly changed my state on my W4 without my knowledge or consent last year and now I owe a LOT of money in unpaid state taxes since they weren't withholding them from my paycheck like they were supposed to š
#i hadnt filed my 2023 taxes yet bc there was some stuff i had to figure out with my old college#(they didnt send me a 1098-t and they werent responding to my emails and they changed systems after i graduated#so i wasnt in their new systems and when i called the treasurers office they couldnt figure out how to find me#so they sent it to their manager but the manager never responded and etc etc)#but i wasnt too worried bc i knew with the withholdings that i put on my w4 that i should be receiving a refund#and theres no penalties to filing late if youre receiving a refund (you just. dont get your money until its filed)#but now ive got that figured out (turns out they actually didnt need to send me a 1098-t bc i dont have any exceptions to claim from them#bc something about how my expenses were handled? idk. which i didnt even learn from them btw. bc they never got back to me š#i had to consult a tax expert. but anyway)#so i was trying to finally file them. and uh. it turns out i owed like $1000 to my state. and i was like. that. cant be right. what?#checked my w2 and for some reason on one line it had my state listed with like a small portion of my earnings#and then on the next line there was the rest of my earnings under a different state name#a state that doesnt fucking have state taxes š so nothing was withheld from that portion of my income#so apparently i did NOT pay the majority of my state taxes last year. and now im 6 months late filing. and im worried im fucked#and we are also 11 MONTHS into 2024 with my w4 incorrect and no state taxes withheld all year š fuck. fuck fuck fuck#they cant even change it back until my manager proves i live in this state apparently š what the hell man#i live in this state i work in this state my companys fucking headquarters is in this state#WHY would they change it to a different fucking state. WITHOUT my knowledge or consent#i didnt even realize they had stopped withholding my state taxes until now bc it happened at the same time i got promoted#so the increase on my paycheck just blended in with my raise š#i just submitted it but of course theyre going to take what i owe for my state taxes weeks before they refund me for my federal taxes#payments process within 48 hours but refunds take up to 21 days#rambling#so. im gonna have to figure out how to make rent and bills next week#and then im ALSO gonna have to pay however much it costs to be 6 months behind on a payment of nearly $1000#FUCK
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i miss herā¦
#cant believe i forgot about her till the photobook q&a im so sorry witch mona~~~~~~~#press f for honeypre atelier gachas it was gone too soonā¢ļø#(currently e x t r e m e l y worried and stressed for tomorrow like never before b u t i have to appear like im fine sobs save me monachann)#(can i go on a stress-prompted tangent here about something inane? no? toooo bad im gonna go off anyway~~~~)#ok so. like. since witch mona is the image i have up āere and since itās still äøęā¦ todayās tangent will be on irl spooky stories!!#s o. presenting a decently repressed memory from my childhood that resurfaced while i was hibernating at home:#anyways. well. thoughts about the afterlife can vary from person to person yes? thereās no one true correct belief after all#but the one question that unites us all is probably the one and only āare ghosts real?ā#and well. for personal reasons i think so. i mean iāve seen this one dude i hate get possessed a couple of times so welp. cant deny it ig.#wild story about that actually. back in the day my familyās finances were allegedly doing so badly that [dude i hate] had to pick up#a *c e r t a i n* side hustle for extra cash. that side hustle? literal grave digging at the cemetary. at night no less#and *ofc* he wasnāt respectful about it in the least so ofc some spirits followed him home. yay. free roommates.#one(?) of them even took residence in my room at the time and im 80% sure they ate my history textbook :( much sads#anyways well once that guy had too much to drink (which was rather often tbh) heād get possessed. fun!#the only possession i ever saw was the n-rarity angry ghost whoād just huff and puff in silence with unfocused eyes most of the time#heād occasionally put on a leather jacket too. but that was like a r-rarity event that didnāt happen that often#my mother had the chance to also witness the mosquito (who tried to barge into my room for fresh blood) and the å§åØ (self-explanatory)#which is kinda unfair tbh. i wanted to see the ur-rarity ones too :( mostly bc itād be funny to see a guy i hate act ooc (impure intentions)#oh right. āhow did we get the dude out of his possession? we just shook his arm really hard. prolly caused some lasting effects but who know#i think he could also just sleep off the possession but idk i was asleep for the ur-rarity incidents.#cant ask the one witness of it bc i dont want to bring back unnecessary flashbacks of [guy we hate]#anyways itās been years since we moved out from that place and i still want my history textbook back. mostly for the principle of it butā#and so thatās the tangent of the day. i feel weirdly less stressed now thanks witch mona#i do wonder how my grandparents are faring on this äøę thoughā¦#b u t !!!!! tomorrowās date on the lunar calendar says itās an auspicious day for wishful activity and starting a new job!!! soā¦ maybe~~~~?#hauauauauauauauuauaaaaaa anyways insane tangent over stream monaās new album ok bye#oops forgor to disable rbs i hate how easy it is to forget to use this function man
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toying with the idea of making yancey's friends not real. would that be too evil
#personal#hear me out. the diner is a mimic and it's toying with the entire town and making people oblivious and just. stuck in time metaphorically#it's known to make people hallucinate it's known to show things that aren't there. it can fuck with technology#yancey has. problems. he's sick with grief and pain and regret and sorrow from his past moving into a strange new town#and there's all these people there in the diner and they all remind him of some part of his life#stevie quite literally reminds him of his ex but stuck in the state before anything happened. stevie is a constant reminder of like#what could have been had they not crossed the line of getting together#his relationship with daphne (friendship mostly but he has a little crush on her at some point) is like#the romanticized version of the life he had in mind for him and his ex. yeah he gets a little bit insane with it but he loves very deeply#freddy is what he wished for his older brother to be like. their friendship is what he wishes he and his brother would be like#rafiq is basically yancey's ideal partner. yukiko reminds him of his younger sister#hell even teddy is connected to him because he and teddy are basically the same person. dealing with a situation very poorly#but teddy WOULD be real since he is part of CALAMITY so his connection to yancey if anything is like. on purpose#he is SUPPOSED to mirror yancey because that will make yancey realize things about himself#that only leaves morrigan as the only other real person in all of this. because she is the only one not connected to the diner#(freddy isn't either but since he's first introduced on the radio as radio host he is sort of connected to the town)#(in like a way the diner could influence that too. you know what i'm saying)#and morrigan's whole deal is that she's so so stuck in the past. trying to get back what is no more. and daphne is her sister#so daphne could even be a manifestation of yancey's and morrigan's shared grief#for yancey the romanticized relationship with his ex. for morrigan her sister who died in the wildfires#are you seeing my vision. the diner is defeated and it's just yancey morrigan and teddy. it's always been#no one else has been real the whole time. they've only interacted with one another or yancey. never with teddy or morrigan#(with exception of daphne who would have interacted with morrigan bc of shared manifestation)#and yancey acts like the others have never existed. because they haven't. and now that he's no longer#under the influence of the diner. he doesn't remember. haha#idk if i wanna go with this because some of them aren't as solidified as concepts as others but man. MANNNNN
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Ykno when ur lookin at an artist and ur like "man, I want to commission art from You, Specifically"
I have something in mind for a scene that's coming up in ITNL (whenever I start writing again) that would be really cool, & I know Exactly who I'd want it by... except they don't have open commission slots ššš
I can be patient, though... I have been patient before...
#speculation nation#and if they dont open up commissions again well thats entirely their choice & i would never fault them for that#but. man. it would just look so cool in their style.#and so i wait... and maybe someday.... i can get it.#tho maybe i should type up my thoughts about the piece Now š so i dont end up missing the window & being out on a waitlist#like what happened with my commission of vash's scars.#i did get it in tbh a pretty reasonable time frame despite being on a waitlist for a bit#but. ykno. the thing with popular artists opening commissions is that EVERYONE is gonna flock to them for it#so me taking a few hours to thoroughly describe the scars commission made it so the open slots filled up#but thankfully he was nice enough to put me on a waitlist š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ#no guarantee for this other artist should they open commissions that id get a slot and/or on a waitlist#SO!!!!! i should be ready.#tho itd probably take much less time to describe it š given that it has more to do with the pose /&@#* than smth as definite and detailed as scars reference.#just. š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤š¤#now that ive had the thought i just want so badly to commission it hfksbfjd#the thing isnt even written!!! it's still chapters away!!!!!#but man. it sure would be cool huh.#oh well. i will simply be patient. hopefully before too long they will open their commissions again.#also yes me getting a commission for my fic again. idk there's just smth rly cool about having illustrations in the fic.#so i will wait and i will hope. that i can get this commission at some point.
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look I am fully aware that I'm the weird guy here for being into whatever Jarod has going on but honestly I sometimes wonder. Did the developers do it on purpose. Did they know that they're making him kinda. Y'know. Like I'm sorry for being a lil freak but some of his lines are just like. It feels like they knew what they were doing
#i just almost died in that scene where you give him a ride#never happened to me before i alway managed to keep him calm#but like. when the anger meter is full and hes about to kill you hes like 'say 'i want to die'. go on say it'#and i mean???? thats some freak shit#not to mention when he pulls out the gun hes like 'i had a bad day and need some cheering up. so thats what youre gonna do. cheer me up'#like im sorry but it cant be just me#hes just the perfect wet little meow meow. hes literally standing in the rain in that scene waiting for someone to help him#idk man im sure there's a lot of other people in the fandom who are into the 'creepy murderer' trope#but i genuinely wonder if that was at least a lil bit intentional#anyway i survived that encounter#at the end there was one of those lil dice rolls and i succeeded that so he let me live#and gave me a ride. every single time i get that scene i accept his offer to give me a ride#its honestly insane that its even an option. even after you lose that event and almost die the game still allows you to stay with him#anyway gonna continue playing#road 96#jarod road 96#bee buzz
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reminder that Something Just Like This is still the Egg Casserole song ever
#captain underpants#captain underpants the first epic movie#captain underpants: the first epic movie#egg casserole#edith the lunch lady#edith#mr. krupp#benjamin krupp#benny krupp#principal krupp#the captain#cu#cu movie#me talking#i had work today and listened to 2017 radio hits to celebrate and. man.#im not a very shippy person. romance is usually Eh for me. and i wasnt exactly demanding any romance from this movie of all movies#so its nuts that krupp/edith/captain is what clicks for me. it got so little screentime but i wanna see all three of them happy together.#i want them to know The Truth and work it out and bring out the best of each other. i realize it may never happen even if there's sequels#but even just imagining it is wonderful. She Can Fix Him (krupp specifically. captain is flawless as we all know /j)#idk i wanted to type smthn loving before movieversarry ended. love yall so much
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sry in advance to everyone who started following me bcz of my death note posting when in a month from now i inevitably start fervently posting abt looney tunes again or some shit
#also all the mutuals i still have from like. five obsessions ago#shout out to my loyal pinkie and the brain followers. part of me is still very fond of those mice#crime fiction is just currently occupying both hemispheres of my brain#its jus that last night i caught myself having my mckimson/clampette/jones argument to myself in the shower again#an i was like 'oh god its coming. its happening'#kinda scary cuz the level i was obsessed w looney tunes was like more intense than ive ever been obsessed w anything that i can remember#like i have never had a fixation last that long before or since#im just not sure i can rly imagine being thrown into the looney tunes obsession pit for another six months again#something abt bugs bunny man. idk#i enjoy having a wide range of interests š
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I thinkā¦ I have figured out the reason I never get gendered as a guy anymore and itās making me haveā¦. A lot of really complex feelings
#most of my life Iāve been VERY androgynous#and ever since I cut off all of my hair when I was 16 and started dressing in menās clothes#I tended to get gendered as a man or woman p equally by strangers#(until I talked because my voice tends to be a give away which is a whole other thing I have Thoughts about but thatās a different issue)#but in the past ohā¦ idkā¦ six months or so? I literally NEVER get gendered as a guy#it has happened ONCE#like sure ppl will ask for my pronouns but I know thatās just cuz I look like stereotypical genderqueer afab person#itās not cuz they canāt tell what my gender isā¦#and Iāve been wondering whatās so different. why donāt I ever get gendered as a man anymore#I havenāt changed how I dress I still have a masculine haircut most of the time my facial features obviously havenāt changed#SO WHAT DID#Iā¦ Iāve figured it outā¦.#Iāve gained weight. but only in my hips and thighs#all my pants that Iāve had for YEARS are suddenly too tight and too small around my hips and thighs#Iāve NEVER had curves anywhere before I was always stuck straight and nowā¦ I do#and like part of me wants to be happy. Iām gaining weight!!! Iāve always been so horrendously underweight#and Iāve battled severe disordered eating for so long that was the cause#this past year Iāve actually very steadily been eating three meals a day instead of one#I can eat whole portions without getting sick#and Iām really proud of myself for that like Iām def not upset Iām gaining weight#itās just. itās just that itās literally all in my hips and thighs#and itās giving me a more feminine figure which Iāve NEVER had before#and I know your body goes through more changes in your twenties and thatās probably part of it too#itās just. I donāt want this. I donāt like this.#I havenāt felt genuinely dysphoric in a long time and now I want to crawl out of my skin whenever I look in a full body mirror#cuz I see it now. I see the change. and I just. do Not fucking Like It#but I canāt do anything about it š#and idk what to do#ugh#kaz rambles
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its interesting when ppl start discussing the experience u have had your entire life and calling it transphobic and stuff š like damn ive been telling people this for years and now im rethinking everything
#the thing in question is saying you like everyone but cis men#ive been sayin this for many years. i just dont. or maybe i do but its such an intangible thing id never date one idk#but i saw someone discussing how excluding cis men others trans women (dont remember exact) phrasing and idk#i kinda saw their point#i still feel like i like everyone but cis men tho#i have had crushes on n dated cis girls transmascs n transfems#i dated a cis guy once but it was very.. if u know me u know i have obsessions with people and those can happen regardless of gender#it seemed to be one of those#before and after that cis men haven't even been in the question of attraction#maybe the fact i have one exception proves i actually do like them or something i dunno#ive also had the dilemma plenty where i want to just call myself lesbian but that sucks 2 any trans men i like so. i go back n forth on that#but i like to have some sort of warning sign on me that says If You Are A Cis Man Do Not Even Try To Date Me#bc cis men liking me irl makes me GAG dude i fucking cant handle it at all#the cis guy i dated was online so like. i could avoid the gag factor i think#but idk#that experience made me realize i could never ever date a cis man again which is classic lesbian expetience 77292929#it is not for me!#lucky strike
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trying to find some oldass drawings of one of my first sonas i havent been able to find em yet but instead ive just been unearthing all these old notes an ex friend and i would pass to each other back in middle school
#fucking insane i forgot abt a lot of these. i feel kinda bad keeping them that person kind offfff completely ruined my and many of my#friends lives but also. theyre kinda funny to look back on idk#theres one they made that was like āi drew the 2 of us as guys haha no reason lolā. idk how he identifies now but back then they were#very very openly a lesbian and last time id heard of him he had transed his gender#i remmeber . so clearly feeling some kinda way abt the art i couldnt articulate at all at the time. Lol#god that whole situation was so fucked im not gonna get into all my personal middle school bullshit becuz it was soooo stupid but like. man#insane#i know ive always been kind of a pushover ill admit but its soooo frustrating looking back like. man..HOW did i just not say anything at al#i wouldnt have gotten into that whole mess if id just been honest š i mean tbh that guy was . i dont want to say anything too like . awful#he was going through a lot absolutely had his own issues they were working thruwe were all like 12 but again .#completely ruined me nd my friends lives for a while . i feel like he wouldve just pulled rhe same thing w someone else as the main target#okay no i need to stop talking abt this i said i wouldnt over share#its mostly just funny seeing all the old art tbh. most of it was before shit got bad so its sorta bittersweet in a way#inquisitivewaltz.txt#i dint know why im talkign abt this sorry#this is honestly something i think abt a lot sometimes . especially the stupider nd more mundane bits#but it was such an awful part of all out lives i cant really discuss it much w friends#everyone else has a much more āthank god were not in that anymore now lets pretend it never happenedā outlook on it which is understandable#idk#sorry im oversharing again i need to start keeping a journal or some shit
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Ykno the suckiest thing about being broken up with for someone else is that like. Well I'm doing generally fine, all things considered, but I Am kinda sad thinking about the things I've lost and all the casual affection that I can't have now.
But she's out there having all the affection she wants from her coworker, and it's just like. Damn this feels so skewed and SO unfair.
#speculation nation#and then U add in the fact that the girl she broke up with me for is already dating someone else (poly sort of situation)#and im just like. WHYYYYY did she break up with me instead of trying to negotiate poly???#she was gonna at first but when i expressed concern about poly given her obvious communication problems about it#then she dropped me like a hot coal. like sorry i wasnt about to let myself be stood up and ignored for basically a whole day#just to accept u trying to negotiate poly. like What?????#anyways i may have a bit of a history with being a bit of an asshole and breaking up with them#but at LEAST ive never broken up with anyone to immediately start dating someone else#and at LEAST ive broken up with them in person and not over text!!! the fuck?????#i keep alternating between 'surprisingly okay with it all' and 'maybe a little sad' and 'absolutely fucking LIVID'#and i keep wanting to yell at her more but i already said quite a lot of things. so id just be repeating myself#and at that point id just be a vitriolic piece of shit. which i try not to be.#so im letting her live in peace while i continue to be So Pissed about it and it just sucks man lmfao#why do i gotta be the bigger person fr. i even apologized for the hurtful things i was saying in anger. literally in that same conversation.#and she gets to pull this stunt and walk free and spend so much time with her new 'love' ignoring the world etc etc#honestly i hope it fails miserably for her. bc sure theres a chance it works out but every single part of this is impulsive and So Stupid.#and even tho my ex agreed with me when i told her it was INSANE. she was just like 'i have to' like OKAY????#jesus fucking christmas she's revealed a side to me that i really hadnt seen before.#so i hope it fails and i hope she tells me about it. i hope she owns up to her mistakes. for my own satisfaction.#but i have 0 intention on ever taking her back. because what the fuck????#i may be a flawed individual with plenty of problems. but i still have basic fucking dignity. and i am NOT accepting this back in my life.#and god damn her friend is moving into the unit across from mine for this coming year#and i may have to see my ex sometimes bc of it ššš#the friend seemed generally level headed tho. idk if i happen across him & he doesnt avoid me maybe i'll ask him what he thinks of this#bc she was treating me with such love and affection showing me off to all her friends. and then she drops me like a fucking coal.#i wouldnt say i made friends with them myself but we were at least friendly. so i doubt theyd have a good opinion of her for this.#so would the friend loyalty take precedence? or would he be willing to chat with me and confirm Yeah what the fuck?#bc if i had a friend who did this same exact thing id be side-eyeing them SO hard.#id support them bc theyre my friend but i would also be like 'hey uh Why did you do that. that was pretty awful of u you know that right'#& itd also make me more cautious of them too. for being Able to drop someone so suddenly lol.
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