biolizardboils

[biolizardboils]

surprise, happy Sonic X Shadow Generations day

Songs used:

Wasted by Tiësto ft. Matthew Koma (CW: mentions of excessive drinking)

Numb by Linkin Park

YouTube link

[biolizardboils]

I don't "live" on tumblr anymore, but I've logged back in to put the last nail in this wonderful, cursed post's coffin.

I warned you all! Multiple times! I chronicled it all! Over and over I screamed to the masses that I'm not a mother; that Harold is a fictional child from the most popular kids' book of our generation; that said book has a spinoff being enjoyed by the next generation; that this form is a page from said book.

But did you listen? Did you look up anything about this post before you reblogged it? Noooooo, and it's been the funniest thorn in my side for seven years and nine months. No more, I say. No more.

I make this update out of both frustration and commitment to the bit. To everyone who took this post at face value: my wish is not to make you feel ignorant, only playfully bamboozled. There's worse things on the Internet that you could've spread without scrutiny; hopefully falling for this will make you a little more prepared to deal with those.

Witness me, universe!! This monster of my own half-making falls here!!

everyone please look at this form harold filled out in kindergarten

[biolizardboils]

I turned myself blue, but forced my way through / And I'm still a kid looking for answers.

[biolizardboils]

Hey again.

I was saving this for when I'd wrapped some other stuff up, but it's taking too long. I'm just gonna say it while the words are fresh in my head.

The two-month break I've been on? I think I'm gonna stay on it. As in, stay logged off except on special occasions.

There's still things I want to finish here. I will answer what's left at @ask-the-all-consuming-void and bring it to a proper ending; The Secret Thing it was gonna segue into will go up, even if only as sketches and drafts; And there's another project I'm still helping with behind the scenes. But aside from those… I want to maintain my internet presence a lot less.

I've learned a lot about myself since I left: most importantly the hyper-empathy, compassion fatigue thing, and that being terminally online probably does more harm than help. There's trying to be a good, vigilant person, and then there's overwhelming oneself about things they can't control, with info that isn't always accurate. I've been doing the latter in different ways for years; late April/early May was a big wake-up call. Lesson learned: I've got to find balance, and I won't find it here.

The second-most important thing I learned is that… the reason I "joined" the internet in the first place? It's pretty much been fulfilled. Has been for a few years now, actually.

I made this tumblr in 2015, but I got my real start on deviantART and WordPress in 2011. Don't expect links; what people post in their preteens can stay between them and God lol. But I'll tell you what got me to make accounts: my confusion as a new Sonic fan. The way people talked about them, the way they talked to each other… it hurt to see.

I got it in my preteen head to set a better example. To not let my love for something become disdain for others of its kind. To explain instead of assume. And to assure anyone who'd listen that it's not shameful to like Sonic, that those who do deserve better, and that they could still have it better someday.

And now, 13 years later… we do. The hurtful stuff I saw back then is nearly gone now. When it does pop up, it's easier to counteract than ever. People realize how silly and petty and wrong it was, and can call it out accordingly. People can live a little truer to themselves, now that that shit isn't everywhere anymore.

I think that, specifically, is all I really wanted. Everything else—the reinvigoration of the characters and their world, the downpour in avenues once closed off by "cringe" and "not enough interest"—have been wonderful byproducts. I've been gassing up Sonic Movie 3 as the final step, but it's really more of a victory lap.

After realizing that, I just… don't feel the need to post so much here anymore. My self-worth and sense of morality shouldn't rely on what I do or don't type. I don't need to document every thought or choice I make and why.

The cause I've performed for since middle school no longer needs my time and energy, if it ever even did. I can just enjoy things in relative silence, and spend myself in other ways. Ways I've taken too long to get around.

Sonic Unleashed is what set me down this path. I watched it go from rejected at launch, to just divisive, to respected and beloved. I still wonder if, had it gotten a fairer chance, the current Sonic renaissance could've happened sooner.

But dwelling on that won't change anything. I'd rather dwell on how, this year, I got to scream Endless Possibility with hundreds of other people, loudly and proudly. No fear of who's watching, no need to self-sabotage. It meant the world to me.

There was a con in my area on June 23rd. I wasn't planning on doing anything that day until I heard about it. There was someone in attendance who helped me put a symbolic bow on this part of my life.

I think he did a wonderful job :)

I have one last thing to say before I go. That'll be its own post, so I can put it in the public Sonic tags.

Again, the stuff I've left hanging here will get finished eventually. But for now, this is goodbye.

Moots, followers: thank you so much. I will quite literally remember you all in therapy.

--BiolizardBoils

[biolizardboils]

Hi, y'all. I'm currently shifting from "terminally online and aware of every little Sonic fandom happening" to… well, the opposite. And I wanted to offer up a little something before I go.

A few months back, I made two new tags and retroactively added them to old posts. And I mean old--some of my tag commentary from back then hurt to read, lol. But I did it anyway, and the record they make has helped me as both a reminder and a comfort. I look at them when I need proof that the strange, invisible, unnecessary pain was real, and that there's never been a better time to recover.

The tags are #NeverGoodCore and #OneWayDreamCore. Hopefully the names are self-explanatory; I've talked so many times on the subject and if I get to talking again, this post will need a readmore cut. I hope they can serve at least one other person the way they've served me.

Sonic fandom… I love you all so goddamn much. Possibly too much.

Try to receive each other with critical eyes, gentle tongues, and open hearts. That's all I ask of you.

See you around.

[biolizardboils]

"If you managed to avoid this era of Sonic, consider yourself lucky. Because I wouldn't even wish this on my worst enemy to have their favorite franchise in that kind of state."

[biolizardboils]

[The following is a transcript of a ramble Mardiculous, aka Matt The Owner Of Tails’ Channel, went on after watching Sonic Frontiers Prologue: Divergence. I transcribed it because he touched on a very real pain that’s hard to describe, and also because it’s long and I’m tired of listening to it even at 2x speed.

If he or anyone close to him asks me to delete this post, I will do so.

The ramble begins at the 6:30 mark. Some stutters and filler words have been removed for readability. Bold and italics were added by me for emphasis.]

———

So, I’ve gotta—I’ve gotta say something.

So—you know—I am crying. I’ve been a mess lately. I’m really hyped about Sonic Frontiers, but there’s a lot of stuff going on behind the scenes that I can’t really talk about right now. But [...] it can be kinda summed up with ‘seasonal depression.’ That’s kinda why I don’t look as [well-kept] as I usually do.

But... I’ve been waiting so long for this. It’s simple, right? It’s just—It’s action shots, it’s detailed, it’s the characters being in character.

...You guys wanna see the characters on-screen. Let me get the characters on screen here.

Yeah, so, the references to Sonic Adventure—yes, I’m biased. I love the game, okay? I love Sonic Adventure a lot. But I love Sonic Adventure because it was the first time that they could come out and have the characters speak, and tell you about how they feel about certain things. They had dedicated theme songs to each character.

And so—Let’s not even talk about the game, right? Because we’re talking about the story here. Adventure just—really—when you’re a kid that loved the Classics already, it just opened the floodgates to understanding these characters you already loved on a deeper level. And it’s just been so long since it mattered.

[Silence for 8 seconds]

[sigh] I don’t even know if I should post this. [sigh] Because this is just Knuckles. This is just Knuckles in this. And it’s new, but it’s also familiar, which is what we’ve been asking for. It’s so simple.

[Silence for 21 seconds]

After years of being ridiculed for being Sonic’s friends, right? Like, here’s a whole special about one of Sonic’s friends, and it’s excellent. ...Why am I so emotional, bro? I wasn’t even like, this upset before—like, I’m not upset! It’s just...

Flickies are there, right? And like, Lost World had Flickies, but like, it was just Flickies. So it was just Classic Sonic stuff, with Modern Sonic there, in a game that looked like Mario. It still felt ashamed of what it was. This is... everything.

[Silence for 14 seconds]

I’m in a weird place with Sonic right now, where, like I said at the beginning—Well, no, I didn’t say it. Um...

Frontiers isn’t gonna be perfect, doesn’t look perfect, has flaws. And the people on the outside are not gonna understand... not gonna get it.

[Silence for 10 seconds]

There’s so many people who loved Sonic, that were like, alone. And I was growing up when Sonic was ashamed of itself. And I had to just keep focusing on what I loved, hoping... hoping that it would matter at some point. And for the longest time, it felt like it would never matter. And the reason that this is so powerful is that I know that Tyson Hesse played a hand in this. Fans... know... what people like I’ve been through, what fans have been through.

And, again, this is not insane. This is not, like... There’s better animated shorts out there, yeah. And the fact that I even have to say that sucks, because I’m here experiencing pure joy. But that’s how the Internet is. I have to conjure up fake, totally real people to answer to, and rob myself of enjoying this thing I’ve waited years for. And the thing is, I’ve waited years for so little. ...They didn’t cut away right when the action came in. It’s the Modern cast, it’s fully voiced, it’s connecting to new lore but it’s using previous lore to give us something truly beautiful.

I didn’t even think I’d see Tikal floating around. Like, what’s that, Tikal still floats around and guides Knuckles? Like, I didn’t even know that that was still a thing, but now it matters. Sky Sanctuary is actually seen near Angel Island. Like, that was disconnected, even in Sonic Adventure. And now it’s all connected, and Knuckles is still thinking about his responsibility, right? Like, he hasn’t talked about this since Adventure 1. He just shows up and it’s like, “where’s the Master Emerald? Oh, you’re carrying it with you now?” Like, they just haven’t done anything.

They’ve done nothing with Knuckles, because of what happened—the way the games were received. Every single time they tried to focus on the other characters, the sentiment at the time was like, “I just wanna play as Sonic! I just wanna play as Sonic!” But like, the fact that people’s review of it at the time was so shallow! It’s common sense—not even just Sonic—it’s common sense that a supporting cast is a supporting cast! It makes your main character better! 

How could it have to come to the fact that, “Oh, shut up about the other characters and just focus on Sonic”? What does Sonic have going for him without his friends? It’s about the impact he has on his friends that makes Sonic special. And that’s, like, common sense in writing. You’re gonna have a character by itself the entire time, having zero impact on the people and their environment? You’re gonna have zero respect for iconic locales. You’re not gonna have iconic locales return, so that people who have been following your series for years are invested, and can go around and free-advertise your product!

Finally, they’re doing... what you do. And they couldn’t do this stuff, because they were ashamed of who they were, because they listened to reviewers who were so wrong because they didn’t care, because all they saw was a cartoon character. Which, I will add, is unique that it has deep lore. But that’s why I loved it. Because I can’t find this anywhere else. Unless you wanna talk about Kingdom Hearts, maybe?

Kingdom Hearts has cartoon characters and a deep lore. But the weird part is, the cartoon characters just kind of exist, and then there’s a bunch of humans to kind of really carry that dark lore. Right? Like, Goofy and Donald aren’t going, like, “Why am I here? What’s my responsibility?” But Knuckles is, right?

And what’s cool about that is that anyone can plug into Knuckles, because he’s an animal. It doesn’t have to look like you, with this. You can see yourself in Knuckles because you share traits with him. It’s about who he is, not what he is.

And that’s what Sonic was to me, and to a lot of people! Which is why it mattered—Sonic’s impact on the supporting cast! And why it mattered to have iconic locales return, and hear what the characters think about what they have to do all the time!

This actor does a wonderful job, and—I’m not even going frame-by-frame on this, because I just want to enjoy what it is.

[Silence for 10 seconds]

And it ties to the beginning. He likes to do things on his own... “But sometimes...” This part? [sigh] That’s well-written. I don’t know what else to tell you guys.

This is—there’s a contrast, right? There’s dark and dreary; Knuckles, depressed, thinking that he has to... pay for what he didn’t even do. But also, light! There’s darkness, but there’s also light! The light starts shining, and Knuckles goes to help. The Chao [sic] are happy, and we see Knuckles helping people.

[Silence for 8 seconds]

We actually see him use his abilities. Do you know what I’m saying? I shouldn’t have to say that shit, but like... When in Lost World do you see Knuckles fly around? Rather, when even in Sonic Heroes did you see him fly around? Did he glide around? Did he climb? No. And like, the Chao being different types of Chao, just in the environment? It’s basic stuff, sure! But the fact that it’s finally here?

[sigh] My inner kid can’t handle it, because... I thought this dream was dead. I thought this would never happen.

[Silence for 11 seconds]

I don’t know what to tell you guys. Um... I’ve been going through a lot lately. And this... I don’t know if I want to post this, but I think I should. Because, I mean, what’s the point of doing a reaction video, right? Like, there’s so many reaction videos where it’s just like, “Wow!” And I’ve done them too, where it’s like, “Wow, like, let’s look at this.” But what are you actually looking for? You’re looking for the reactions where somebody was truly, truly changed by what they saw, and I was!

It blew my expectations completely out of the water. I knew that Tyson Hesse was good at what he did. I saw Sonic Mania Adventures, I saw TSR: Overdrive, but still. And I could figure that this would be the tone... but... I think it’s the writing, it’s... everything coming together. I don’t know what it is.

But you clicked on a reaction video; you got my reaction. And whether it’s seasonal depression, whether it’s what’s going on behind the scenes for me... or whether it’s been years that I’ve waited for just Sonic to be proud of what it is, enough to do something new that feels like it’s from the series that I know as Modern Sonic and not “Modern Sonic ashamed of what it was and trying everything it possibly can to be something that it isn’t” ...when I was a Sonic fan because there was nothing like it. And all this time it’s been gone, there’s still nothing like it. And you can still argue that, “play other games.” But why are we a Sonic fan if not because we’re a fan of what it brought that was unique.

And to contextualize, I was a fan of everything. Sonic 1, aaall the way until like, Sonic ‘06, Sonic Unleashed—I was still hanging on. Like I would consider myself [a] hardcore fan. But something was shifting, right? After ‘06 and Unleashed, something was shifting, and there are people who loved what happened after, but... it was ashamed of itself. I don’t think there’s much arguing of that.

And the best part is, if you liked what happened after? I don’t necessarily think you’re gonna lose what you loved, either. These characters can still be funny, they can still do jokes. But there will be a variety, which is more inclusive. There will be light and darkness. The jokes will be funnier because they won’t be constant.

The Boost gameplay doesn’t have to go away, just needs to evolve, right? For me it’s like, Boost can still—I mean, some people will debate whether it’s like you gotta slowly build up your speed, or you can earn it with a button. But like, really, that’s not what it’s about; it’s about just being able to experiment with the mechanics. I think the rigidity of Boost is my problem with it, that’s all. You know? Like, there’s a compromise in there! I’m not about to tell you I know everything! But it’s about making a compromise, which is what this is. This feels new; this feels like people who liked Modern Sonic after Unleashed and on can still participate. But now I feel like I can truly love what it’s doing now.

And it’s changing how I react to Sonic news, because it’s not just a gig anymore. I’m a fan again. And it changes the way I press Record when I start these reaction videos. I wanted to watch this alone, like I did when I was a kid. And it hasn’t been like that for years.

[Silence for 9 seconds]

This was truly special. Thank you, everyone. I know, I’m a creative too, and I know how hard it is to convince people who don’t understand quite as well how much work goes into this. I know how hard it is to convince investors that this is important. Because it’s just animals doing action stuff. Like, why is it important, right?

[Silence for 8 seconds]

But shit is hard right now, for a lot of people. And sometimes this is the escape. And like... for a couple minutes, all that stuff didn’t matter.

[Silence for 8 seconds]

Sonic, you’re so fucking cool.

[Silence for 7 seconds]

[smack] Thank you, everyone. Thank you, everyone who pushed to make this happen, but not just that. Just... [sigh] everyone who pushed to bring Sonic back. And when I say “Sonic back,” I mean the heart. Not being ashamed. Sonic fans don’t deserve to feel shame. You can say we’re eating up mediocrity, but no one deserves to feel shame for what they love, like... especially when it’s a video game.

There are people who definitely deserve to feel shame. And you’re gonna target someone who likes this? ...No.

This is an escape. This is just... for a couple minutes in the day... we can just enjoy an imaginative world that’s not like our own. And there’s lore to talk about, so we can escape more with our friends... theorize what’s next in Sonic Frontiers, and what’s next for the next game. As opposed to just theorizing what the gameplay will be like, now we get to theorize where the story’s gonna go next, and how it’s gonna build off what’s established here. Shit that anyone else can do with their games. [sniff]

[A dog barks in the distance]

Well, I think, uh, Opal’s got it right. I should probably wrap this up. Um... thank you all for supporting Tails’ Channel for as long as you guys have. I know I said I was gonna keep grinding out content, but... if you couldn’t tell from this video, it’s been rough. No pun intended [laughs]. Um... but things will be okay. Don’t worry about me. Especially with stuff like this coming out, I’ll be okay.

[End of transcription.]

[biolizardboils]

Even when you had only fire to breathe / I know you were only trying to make it right.

[...]

I couldn't get through, no matter how I tried / You tore me apart, but still, I love you so.

[biolizardboils]

Hey, y'all.

I want to give a long, all-encompassing statement about what I've been doing, and my plans for this blog going forward… but it's not ready yet. So here's a little update instead.

I've found a therapist, and I've been doing much better thanks to him. He helped me put a name to what I've been feeling—hyper-empathy—and it explains so much of my life. I'm learning to navigate it now: to let it inform my decisions instead of hijacking them; to not be so hard on myself for what I can or can't handle.

The art thing's been going well, too. I can't post examples yet, though, so Source: dude trust me lol.

That's all for now, I think? I'll be back with that longer statement by the end of July, probably. See you then.

[biolizardboils]

Song of the Day: November 4, 2023

Yellowcard: Hang You Up

"It's hard to see you, we are older now

And when I find you, you just turn around

This is a black and white of you I've found

I hang you up and then I pull you down

I hang you up and then I pull you down"

[biolizardboils]

sonic the hedgehog is a series that is fundamentally about love and freedom. about not being held down by what others think of you. of learning to love and accept and be proud of who you are; to be unashamedly yourself in a world that's always against you. never give up, no matter how many times you're knocked down. let go of past grievances, of past hatred - open your heart to those who are different from you, accept them. don't spend your time worrying - take every moment as it comes. dont dwell on past mistakes - live life in the present. love yourself. love your friends, cherish your family that you have, be that blood-related or otherwise. love and take care of the natural world around you. no matter the force that tries to oppress you, you dont fall in line. you dont take it lying down. you have the freedom to make your own choices, to pursue the things that make you happy, no matter what others might think, or tell you. you shine through, and you keep love in your heart, and spread it wherever you go, because you can make a difference, you can be a light in someones life, no matter how small.

be positive. be you. believe in yourself.

that is sonic the hedgehog to me.

[biolizardboils]

HAPPY SO SO SO SO LATE BIRTHDAAY TO THIS BOY AA

[biolizardboils]

Sorry to do this so suddenly, but I'm putting all my blogs on hold until further notice. I might log in to like or private-reblog some posts for reference, but that'll be it.

The short reason is that I wanna work on myself. Mostly personally, but with a side of visual art skills.

The long version is under the cut. Content Warnings: current geopolitical events, mental health.

So I'm writing this part for two reasons: so I can send it to friends and others when they ask what I'm doing; and to remind myself why I'm doing it, in case I'm compelled to come back too early. This is gonna be a ramble; I'm writing this after midnight, cus I'll forget or lose the nerve in the morning.

You likely already know what this is about from the emoji tag. You'll also notice that I won't mention any proper names in this post. That's one of the issues I'm stepping away to work on.

I've been quiet about it ever since it started, for a few reasons. Unfamiliarity with the history behind it, fear of spreading misinfo or propaganda, doomscrolling tendencies. For months, I've done the daily click and left it at that.

(Speaking of, last month I found out that the site doesn't track cookies or whatever its called? TL;DR: you can click as many times as devices you have. That's 3 for me.)

But anyway, this week it stopped feeling like enough. From this post's date and what I usually post about, you can probably guess what broke the camel's back.

And... I feel guilty that this is what broke it. And I feel guilty that I feel guilty. It's not my struggle; I'm a bystander. But I chose to be, and I can't tell how much of it was for my own mental health, and how much was denial, selfishness, misplaced optimism.

I want to believe people aren't so cartoonishly cruel. I want to believe people do their research before acting on or speaking about these things. I want to believe people can treat these things with the delicate nuance they deserve. I want to believe that one side destroying innocents on the other is inexcusable, no matter the historical context, and that the rest of the world's powers will act to stop it.

I'm scared of how much I still want to believe it, despite reality. I'm scared of how long it took me to feel the appropriate horror. I've had intrusive thoughts and pits in my stomach all week, and it's compounded by the guilt that I'm only having them now.

I still want to believe some things were misguided, or made before the situation, or will be fixed later. And I can't tell anymore what's a coping mechanism, and what's just a selfish hope that it'll all be fine.

So... I'm gonna get better coping mechanisms.

I'm looking for therapists. Not just for this, but some other things that happened to stack up this week. It doesn't take much to throw off my daily functioning, and I've been holding off addressing that. Again, it's horrible that it took something like this to make me realize that.

To fill up the spare time, I'm gonna put more work into my art skills. I can finally afford better tools, so it's time I practice more professional techniques.

So, yeah. I'm leaving because I feel I can't address things like an adult, and I hope to learn how before I come back.

Thanks for reading, and goodbye for now.

[biolizardboils]

by aimf0324

[biolizardboils]

It's hilarious to me to imagine Sonic could not keep a regular phone for longer than a week without breaking it