#Idk everything is just feeling like its Way Too Much and i just wanna feel fine already
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I met the me who made different choices
#idk what this means so dont ask#got the words stuck in my head and this is what I wanted to draw for it immediately#me at my desk. so.#I dont look exactly like this obviously. doesnt matter. anyways#hard time recently in a lot of different ways#lots of work to do!#given up on getting everything done I kind of failed at that. it was too much#so now I'm just trying to get anything done that will make the next 6 months not kill me again#ideally. 3 episodes. or the book#or like at least close enough to that that its basically that#I'm feeling really screwed LOL#I dont know how I've been working every day for so long and still havent done enough...#(its because the work load is way too much)#every time I take 1 hour for myself. to cook. or clean. or draw something else. or play a game. I feel so guilty auauau#I hate webtoon I hate this damn green app...#DOESNT MATTER!!!#what DOES matter is my art is good as hell... look at this shit...#the light. the colors. I love you red I love you green#I need to get more red pants I only have the one pair.#I saw this guy with red pants that had skeleton legs on them and I was like FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!! I need them!!!!#I need to start sewing again. I dont have a sewing machine cause my apartment is too small so I havent sewn in years but I really want to..#I want to make clothes again... I need some vests I need some dresses..#I will not make pants or sleeved shirts because I dont hate myself#sketch#art#vent art I guess LMFAO its not#its just this fun little thing we like to call self expression#also this isnt how my desk setup actually is I scooted things around cause I didnt wanna draw anything twice. fuck it we ball#ok back to work
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Luka is very good at keeping himself composed on stage, mostly with the help of maintaining track of his heart rate, but during Mizi's attack in ROMH he seemed to slip up, not only was the red background a tell-tale sign of Mizi's violent intentions but it was a more symbolic way of showing Luka in quite visceral fear. Even if for only a second.
I'm not convinced Luka will be as continuously calculated as he normally comes off, it all seems too fake to me. Because it is. It’s a similar case to Ivan who can't feel, isn't normal, isn't human enough so he makes a persona to blend in. So Luka, whoever he is, makes this version of himself to cope with what he has to live through, pretending like he's on top of it all to survive in this world.
So in round 7, I think something drastic will happen to make him 'snap' in a way.
It's safe to say that we don't know Luka. We don't know who he really is. We don't know his real desires. But we do know one thing--he is scared. he is afraid of the aliens. That's why he appeases them--being their trophy. He's only kept around for his purpose as an entertainer and nothing else and he's very aware of that. He knows very well that a dented trophy will be discarded; with that mindset, he's been able to get so far, and he's scared of losing. That's why he holds any little thing he can get his hands on close. And an important extension of that fear is his fear of losing power.
Till should be the more likely in this position, given he's such a rebel. But isn't that just too predictable? Keep in mind, that Till is a strong person. Even after all he's been through, even after he's been beaten into something more manageable for the aliens--He still hasn't lost his spark. Till is a raging storm. subdued but nonetheless a force to be reckoned with.
Round 6's effect on Till is greatly ambiguous for now but at this point when the time for round 7 comes, Till has been put through so much hell. Whatever Luka does to provoke him probably won't work, he and Luka are equally talented individuals and will make for an intense battle, and at the end of the day, the numbers won't lie. Exactly that is what Luka is ready for but scared of--a worthy opponent for the throne. Someone capable of stripping him of his power. (Is fear what makes Luka so dismissive?)
It would be so aggravating that this 'pest'. who is so indignant, so rebellious (in a way Luka envies.), could so easily destroy everything Luka has worked for, disregard every pain Luka has been through to get to this point, and Till doesn't value this throne as much as Luka does, and Luka doesn't want to feel the pain of death anymore. If his facade is as destructible as I think it is, that will be what ultimately brings out Luka.
This idea may be flawed. Luka is so perfect, too perfect and confident and experienced for something as little as that to break him, just think of all the training Luka went through to get to this point. I'm positive he's very aware of what playing unfairly will lead to. But isn't there always room for a wild card?
Just remember what happened to Hyun-woo.
What happened here isn't fully explained (and probably will be in round 7) but imagine Luka: "Trophy child, goody two shoes" Luka possibly killing another human. Whether by accident or not, what happened?--what and how did Luka feel in the moment for the repercussions of whatever happened to be that bad?
A Luka that is secretly greatly insecure, pliable, and defensive enough that in a spur of emotions, he can’t help but lose his cool in a way he hasn’t in a while because he’s afraid—just to try and prove he is still valuable. That is the type of character I theorize we'll come to see in round 7.
#I wonder if Hyunwoo dying was because whatever happened between them occured after heperu stopped lukas heart. maybe it made him more#sensitive? and when hyunwoo got rough with him for some reason it drew him over the edge perhaps?#i rlly dunno what could prompt luka and hyunwoo to fight honestly if hyuna wasnt involved#those two were basicallt friends? brother type relationship so like eh idk#alien stage#alnst#this is so random but i just wanted to yap about it for a second its been wracking my brain for days#i think we just have 1 too many enigmatic characters#i think this is the plot twist vivinos will go for because#“senior beats the rookie” well it's too predictable and quite cliche#and after everything i dont think till is in the right state of mind to give a shit.#i also just wanna weasel some way into making till survive this so uh yes!#can we also consider just how much tills fame may have increased after round seven.#think of it like alien stage getting more popular because of doomed yaoi. thats alien stage universe.#ivan literally has fangirls. and look at us:#just sayin'...#harharharharhar#also i know there might be someone thinking: but what about the rebellion? for one. mizi and hyuna may or may not be goners#but in general i dont think they can do ANYTHING for till or luka atp#isaac and dewey? maybe#alnst till#alien stage till#alien stage round 7#it just feels plain to me to see a luka that doesnt want to be another one of those corpses elevating the throne. he wants to show that he#is more valuable than that 'punk' who'll do nothing but dishonor this throne? maybe. we'll just have to seeeeee#alien stage luka#alnst luka#luka alien stage#till alien stage
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anyway. not to do a 180 here, but it's gotta be so complicated for mitch marner, who loves to just be around people and in the center of his guys... to have his controversial dad come on these trips. like i'm sure everyone is An Adult and cordial about it, but there's no way it's a tension-free environment given paul's whole...... personality, lol. makes me sad to think about how the dads trip is not something mitch gets to look forward to as much as some of the others whose dads are so much chiller and just happy to be there and see the leafs and behind the scenes.
#like. mitch loves his dad but what a fucking stressful situation#to have to Do ur Job.#to know the man u purposely dont discuss ur job with is in the crowd and#to also probably feel a sense of guilt bc he is the one that pushed u to get this far but. also. like.#this doesnt get to be some relaxing wholesome experience for u..... eveyrone else gets to jsut. Enjoy#but theres a tightrope to walk when ur parent is Like That#and probably not the most enjoyable person to be around for the otehr dads either like. god#idk maybe everythings fine and dandy and ive had too much time to think abt the clip from eysterday but !#knowing mitch doesnt wanna listen to his dads criticism abt his hockey.#having seen ppl say that toronto hockey circles are small and everyone knows what Pauls like..... its just#SIGH ! sigh#happy he did so well tonight tho. im so proud of him#anyway. love letter to mitch marner. i am always thinking of u#the delicate balance.... the way hes such a big advocate for mental health... ah yes
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ok let's catch up quickly
#so i went on a few dates w this guy. long hair beautiful face kinda looked like a girl (good) said yes ma'am when i told him to do smth#(also good) film student great at photography including candids. made a sheath of leather for a sword pin i have . et cetera.#he asked to cuddle and i was like iggg and then i felt Nothing and i was like ohhh yh ok ok yep lesbian#like he meets almost all my criteria but. yeahhh no . also at the end of that date he had some weird takes. anyway broke up w him and told#him actually im p sure im a lesbian (again) and he was like yk thats the second time this has happened to me this week but its ok bc ive#fallen for this girl from berlin. and then we cooked together. anyway . met a beautiful butch lowk in love w her. weve been on (1) date.#have two exams in a few days havent studied enough going to like end it all basically. my research partner kicked me off our research#(expected(it was always skinda sketchy)) which was devastating + it happened in a lidl 15 hours into a journey from bordeaux#to go back to the UK. my friends were kinda busy paying for baguettes but also they heard this whole exchange and are kinda mad at him#my friend of 10+ years is coming over in a few days. my evil ex situationship person that i decided to stay friends w because i kept#insisting they are a good friend and not evil and also extremely beautiful? turns out shockingly enough they were evil. tried to fix them#and then i realised due to their entire friendship group being ppl like me (Every Single One of their friends are ppl they met on dating#apps then led on then dumped and proposed staying friends w) and are collectively extremely attracted to them and not over them they#keep validating the most diabolical shit they say/do to hace a chance w them. they broke up w their ex and the way they keep leading#this poor girl on and making her heartbeeak worse and saying that they want more power over her and want her to beg for them back etc...MY#JAW HAD DROPPED esp bc i didnt even know the ex was in the picture BECAUSE ME AND ONE OF OUR FRIENDS (that they also dated) HAD JUSR SLEPT#NAKED TOGETHER IN THEIR BED W THEM. GIRL. anyway that is the least of the diabolical stuff they said but no we are moving onnn#this was b4 the beautiful butch btw. anyways . i have a mitski concert tmrw i think?? idek anymore#i used to have a crush on this guy very briefly and then it disappeared and then i realised if he fundementally changed everything abt#himself then maybe id like him but ofc i didnt tell him that but i still think abt it sometimes but anyway thats irrelevant now bc 99% sure#even if he did id still not find him attractive (lesbianism). please recommend good overnight moisturisers btw i have super dry skin#right. the friend of 10 yrs. we had a hard convo abt why she essentially bullied me in year 8 and it made me highly bitter but i also love#her and ik things are diff now its been like . Many Years . and shes going to stay a while I HAVE TWO EXAMS I DONT HAVE TIME but i love her#its fine. i think i might just switch into medicine and do the whole become a neurosurgeon thing (which was my plan B) bc plan A is looking#kinda impossible rn. I WANNA TALK MORE ABT WHAT THE EX SITUATIONSHIP PERSON SAID but i wont bc i dont wanna be too mean but also . MY GOD#i had a conversation w a philosopher friend about whether i have a moral responsibility to try to fix them bc unleashing this on society#feels wrong and he said 'probably but...run' so yeah im not talking to them atm. second date w beautiful butch on monday btw IDK WHAT TO#WEAR. she said she likes fems. im just gonna wear the shortest ralph lauren skirt i have w the cute leg warmers and hope 4 the best#its 1:15 AM im abt to drink coffee and start studying bc what the FUCK man. also almost finished watching the boys its very good#one of my best friends is struggling rn it is breaking my heart i want to take the burden from her i miss her very much
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#UAUHGG im havung oc thoughts. plaguing myBRAIN. i can feel my heartrate spiking holy shit#ok so. i rly wanna touch up presto and shuffles story without scaring myself out of it by overthinking it. esp the implications of#them having animal features and what they would eat. as well as worldbuilding character dynamics setting background characters ugghh.#constantly have to tell myself its just for fun. basically theyre rival magicians who keep their identities secret and fuck it up in#the funniest way possible LMAO. they rent the same apartment and the landlady accidentally gives it to both of them without them knowing#so they end up walking in on each other out of costume and have this weird tension around not revealing each others identities despite thei#borderline malicious rivalry. blackmail may or may not be involved i havent decided yet#they DO consider backing out of tenancy but they decide not to so they can make sure they dont reveal each others identities#thats the idea but its really abstract bc i dont have a direction or writing in mind. they just rattle in my head like spare change#other stuff i have rn is. they both consider each other a copycat and they have the same skill level of magic#but they have different styles and techniques theyre just too focused on outperforming each other to notice#presto likes to make people laugh so they probably include gags and impossible feats. shuffle is more elegant and focuses on#smooth movements and dangerous stunts. i want to make that reflect in their costumes but its hard bc stage magician costumes tend to stick#to suits and capes.. so idk. then maybe side characters like the landlady and other tenants but i havent given em much thought orz#i really should practice with concepts because i have a bad habit of making everything similar to the first try so its frustrating#and i suck at writing characters. but im doing this for fun so im trying not to get hung up on whether its generic or not#yapping#stares at the floor. maybe i should make a carrd for my ocs#oc talk#presto#shuffle
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🦈2
#even tho it was so hard for me. ofc when u can only communicate via the internet so much is lost i think... sm extra things u need to be#more secure kinda? like physical presence does a lot on its own#but yeah.. ok i actually wrote more but u can only have 30tags per post and safari on ur phone does not tell u when it's stopping so half o#what i wrote just disappeared ._. i cant rmbr what i said... and i mean this is just for myself to vent but grr im so annoyed#yeah just that he was sm more patient than i realized. i just was in the start of learning how to live w my avpd#i wasnt able to do a lot. even if i wanted to. he helped me sm to uncover things in myself to start that thing within me#i just desperately wish i had found him earlier and that i've been this far along in my anti avpd limitation abilities.... truly wish that#so im trying to accept it and just think bc i dont have a choice :') i've never wanted anyone like this and that just is how it is#i will always love him simply bc he is who he is#he's so so cool and amazing to me in so so many ways. and i always loved just how he talks and communicates bc it resonates w me#and there are simply sm details i just adore. but yeah... i probably shouldnt think abt that? i feel like.. it isnt my place to think abt i#but it is what it is but it hurts so incredibly much. will i ever be able to let go of him? the love i couldve experienced? the wonderful#person i couldve been with? will i be able to stop thinking abt all his great qualities and how much i wish he was mine? and all the things#wanna do and talk abt with him? he's just.. he just is .. i cant describe it. it feels like more than just earthly love...#maybe i sound insane or too intense or dramatic or smth but.. it feels so much larger than everything#so i struggle sm with letting go bc i want to touch him and i want to love him and i just want to be with him and experience everything w h#but that isnt my place. i know... why.. have i only ever felt like this w him... what do i do with this?? am i crazy? am i going insane? is#there smth wrong with me?#he is worthy of everything and he is so so wonderful but is there smth wrong w me for being so..#for having love that actually truly is all consuming? what is this... it's scary. esp when i cant unleash it. it's like a wild beast i have#to learn how to tame. and i want to be able to find mutual love too. but i cant force anything. will the universe grant me that?#i cant imagine myself ever being able of letting go of him but if that is what the universe has planned then..#ok im actually starting to sound intense and weird and idk O.O i think i think too much#.. it hurts that i wont get to do all of the things and talk abt all the things i wanna do w him. i'll never get to hug him...#if i could ask for only one thing it'd be one hug from him....#maybe is ound crazy but with all my disorders and feeling disconnected from the world.. and finding someone that makes me feel tethered#and safe and real.. and having to let go bc it just wasnt meant for me... why is the universe so cruel.#in the end i care abt him so much i just want him to be loved. i want him to finally feel loved.#someone else.. someone else without avpd can do that for him. i want him to be oh so so loved and .. yeah.. :(#i wish i couldve loved him as he deserves but .. its not my place. not my place... all i want is to hear his voice and live in his arms
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the usamerican is talking about usa stuff again
#i just feel so powerless cuz i cant vote yet but like#and i see people saying shit like 'it doesnt matter theyre both horrible' well one of them is worse. so please vote#like idk voting for kamala wont fix much of anything but that other guy is gonna make everything way fucking worse!#like shit i dont wanna move. my parents were talking about this. i dont wanna leave my home i like it here for the most part#can people just grit their teeth and vote for the clearly less worse option or am i asking too much#idk ill probably delete this later. i dont like talking about politics that much on here#its just exhausting yk?#but i dont wanna live in a country thats more dangerous for me and other people#cuz it already is. i dont wanna take ten steps back
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For the most part I'm a person who can like continue to listen to music that I associate with someone after we break up or stop talking or whatever like I can usually disconnect it and it's fine plus there aren't all that many people I've dated that I can't think about without spiraling like ive made peace with most everyone but man the one big thing is I don't think I'm ever gonna be able to listen to beat happening in large doses literally ever again for as long as I live every time I try even though it's been like 11 years I'm like yeah nope
#its just way too emotional for me like i cant believe how much it still hurts even though im ostensibly over it if i hear their music im#immediately not#and its crazy cos its like idk i never even think about this person anymore unless i hear beat happening and then i feel Everything at once#and i will start sobbing#dont mix the colors came on shuffle and i was just not at all ready mannnnnnnnn man#actually maybe its only been 10 years i dont know i literally dont remember 18-20 basically#which is also why i think i have this reaction occasionally and most of the time dont even think about it#i need a tag for my like personal posts so people can filter them but i also dont wanna necessarily have them all in the same place#so ah well#but ughhhh man
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...
#just an observation bc im avoiding working on stuff but i draw a lot and post basically everything i draw thst gets finished#and its v funny to me how u can tell how out of focus i was based on the quality of the drawing#or like when i post something and its like ok some of that was good but u def gave up halfway thru one of those lol#inconsistency i funny like that. its also funny to me that now a days i get comments like COLORS!!!#which is funny bc i notoriously haaaaaate coloring. like i will sit around whining and complaining when im home with my parents bc i dont#wanna color. its just so easy to fuck things up when u draw traditionally and it takes a million years so its a big ask lol#but i guess i dont hate is so much right now bc i kinda just slap whatever colors i want together like fuck it we ball#and thats kinda fun. reckless i suppose#its agony when u wanna try to do shadows and lights tho. like finding references ugh#or wanting to draw big ideas but then its like oh god its gonna take so long and if i dont do it all in one sitting i might die#im a lil better abt thst now bc it would b impossible but in my head i still hate it#ugh. all i wanna do is draw. theres another universe where i went to art school. or just like took art classes. and i wanna say id b happier#but thats def a lie XD i like learning too much and i dont have the attention span to hardcore learn genetics outside an academic#environment. and i got way too excited abt exploring the genetic traits of my cyano species#like i can make genetics trees for traits and look for. fuck. i forgot the word. how tf did i forget the word. oh god. horizontal gene#transfer. jesus christ its like theres a hole in my brain. well. i guess i did get only like 4hrs sleep. ugh im rambling.#i need to finish getting ready for Monday so i dont have to tomorrow and ill have time to draw. prob wont stop me feeling nauseous abt#teaching tho. OH FUCK. i just remembered i have a new office space now to decorate. fuck i need to hang up pictures and stuff#what would b the funniest way to put narut0 on my deskspace? idk ill have to think abt it. oh god im not ready#my head is like a handbell. one of the big ones when u ring it and it hits soft and u can feel the vibrations. someones wrung my head lol#unrelated
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wait the hdd.5 is for the NB releasedate.
#anyone wanna place bets on if theyre even going to have a hdd in december for the literal OG release?#because the way this is looking there is NO fucking way.#idk why im so pissed at this but it once again feels like were just ignoring everything OM was before NB. :/#augh i dont like this.....#its way too hard for me to leave this game at this point but know that i dont like it.#sillyposting#obey me#wait.#argh this is gonna suck so much bc ill likely spend all my vouchers at belphies bday. and at levi's. so ill have fucking NONE left for hdd.
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#i cant do it i cant any more im worn out!! and i know i have no right to be!#ive been worn out for a long time. i know everyone has. i know i cant take a break from the internet because Palestine still needs coverage#and now with the *drama* happening on tumblr. i dont want to tag it i dont want o be delet but you know the one#feels fucked to even have to call it drama but im one blog. im one little blog and im gonna be devastated if i get got for speaking out#ive had one blog removed by an authority figure it was soul crushing and i only had that one for like 3 years#this is over a decade of my life. if its gone my soul goes with it so i cant risk speakin out in any way that matters or is too conspicuous#but its all just too much. i need to go grocery shopping and it feels hard and bad. i try to come to my one safe place on the internet#to give me courage but its just post after post about more bad news. i saw a photo of a group of soldiers smiling and laughing#about murdering diabled people and taking their walking aides. i know the captions were people saying how horrible those soldiers were#and the active participation in ending diabled lives those soldiers had to take those photos and im just. why was it posted at all#we know the worlds bad. we know. why are you giving these people more publicity. i dont want to see that sickening smile#i just cant any more. i cant deal with anything its all too much its too much on a personal note and its too much internet wide#but i cant complain about it because im not the one being actievly genocided or harrased and i also cant leave because the people who are#need as much support as they can get and i want to support. i want to help#idk idk im crying im stuck i just wanna be able to get groceries but everything real life and internet is too fucking much
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i just remembered this blog existed… after like 3 months… haiii :3
#i was talking to one of my irls abt childhood memories and nostalgia and aphmau came up and when i tell u we went INSANE over mcd/mystreet#it made me remember that THIS BLOG EXISTS AND I CAN PARTAKE IN THE FANDOM WITHOUT FEELING CRINGE#bc everyone here knows how bad the writing and everything is so its rlly cool and chill here#i just need that tbh.. a place where everyones working with the same thing but has such different views of it is so cool to me#ANYWAYS SOOO coming back for pride month!!! maybe. who knows#it would be funny if i did bc of my username#i was watching mcd last night (currently on ep 35 as of me writing this) and my GOD i need to rework travis’ character so bad#hes silly and i like him but he clashes way too much with laurance#sooo maybe expect that????? idk. i dont wanna make any promises but 👀#okay ill shut up now#NO WAIT I WONT i kinda wanna redesign EVERYONE and i KNOW thats a big commitment but I WANT TO SO BAD#im supposed to be getting ready for art fight but my GODDD redesigning already established characters seems so much more fun than#redesigning my own ocs. actually they might aswell be my ocs if i do DJSJSKAK anyways NOW ill shut up#ashe.txt
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having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.
#HEADS UP: this accidentally turned into a huge rant/vent feel free to get the hell out el oh el#i try reallly hard not to talk about it too much here because you can. offhandedly mention the mere concept of did or osdd or any#dissociative disorder and its like. people will not shut up about how its not real or how its people being delusional or kids being cringe#like. can we go. two seconds without treating people with mental disorders like a spectacle. please. you dont have to have a ''take'' on it#idk and i also avoid online did communities bc theyre the most exhausting spaces you can ever be in and theres constant fighting about#literally anything and everything. like. maybe i would like to find a space to meet other people with similar experiences to my own.#and we dont get that!! we literally cannot get that. and this goes for a lot of mental health related stuff but like my god#and im very lucky to have other people i know in real life who also have did so i can in some amount have that support system (hah.)#but it is EXHAUSTINGG that people cannot go literally a day without saying something stupid about systems#or i can be following someone for years and unprompted they will saysomething heinous thing about did and hide it behind something like#get a load of how weird and cringey kids are getting online these days.#and CHRISTT thats a whole OTHER issue i REALLY dont wanna talk about because it has its own whole set of nuances but like jeeeesus#is it really so hard for people to grasp that brains when exposed to traumas at a young age will be affected by it in weird ways.#idk man ive been seeing a lot of offhanded disregard for systems recently and it's so normalized and it's starting to get to me i guess#i wish people could just go well this is something i dont understand and dont need to have an opinion on and move on with their lives.#what the hell ever this is all to say having did has impacted my life in a lot of complicated and intricate and hard to explain ways and it#sometimes painful and awful but other times is an incredible experience and ALSO. most IMPORTANTLY !#i should be able to make jokes about BEING FRIENDS with SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!! in REAL LIFE!!!#and not have to deal with SUICIDE BAIT IN MY INBOXX BECAUSE OF IT!!!#WHATEVERRR !!! RANT OVARRR I HAVE NOODLES TO MAKE AND EAT#.... WITH my friend SHADOW!!!#.txt#and btw this isnt about anyone ik here so dont worry im not upset with any mutuals etc etc and all that.#in fact i love getting the chance to chat about it n it can be fun to teach stuff to people who know how to like...be normal about it LOL#<3
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mental health just straight up plummeting
#toy txt post#everyday the smallest things have me spiralling into such stupid despair#constantly fighting myself cos every single thing has me wanting to throw up my hands and walk the fuck off bc theres bo point#whats the fucking point!! just despair and exhaustion and burned the fuck out and gnashing at the fucking walls and then spiralling into#a stupid little self pity self hate spiral cos im just a weak stupid little baby who cant handle the real world. plenty of ppl have it so#much worse and havent given up yet so whats my fucking problem? which is so stupid. but i cant logic my way out of this one#so i am simply sitting here feeling so god damn bad#and i dont even really have. a good reason for it. idk. like i dont have a lot of concrete quantifiable reasons i can present about why#i am so goddamn miserable at my job. im just. going insane i need out im performing badly its not worth it theres no fucking point#every day im fighting the urge to just fucking walk off over the stupidest tiniest things that are definitely not worth that kind of#reaction. like yea maybe i do need like mental health meds or smth but i also know. i need out of this fucking. job. but i dont know#like. idk its like my options are just kore of this same stupid bullshit or retail/food service. and like. shout out to retail and food#service. i fucking could not i fucking cannot. but like im reaching that point here too. everything hurts all the time with no reprieve and#all my options just feel like its gonna be ! even more stupid repetitive motions that wont help! like idk! idk what to do. i just#wanna read about stupid little fucking worms and fish but doing that professionally im not sure im up to it and#between me and that career path is thousands of dollars and homework. so#now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead#trying so hard not to display idk red flag behavior but im Going Insane. i should just start crying at work. why bother hiding it. whats the#point#vent#ig#i should go eat. and waste the rest of my stupid fucking night playing zelda trying to soothe my brain enough to function except im not#functjoning cos then itll be 5am again and ill have done nothing but play zelda and be up too late and go to bed and not get enough sleep#and be a little to a lot late and be miserable and the cycle just fucking never ends#not enough fucking podcasts about worms out there for this#i opened several academic papers on tongue eating isopods to cope and barely read them bc i cant do that at work it takes too long and i get#lost and my productivity is already in the shit and i need to stop being on my phone and i know that but like also if i dont fucking#distract my stupid fucking brain right fucking now im gonna start throwing things and crying#anyway. thats how im doing. bye
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sometimes i think maybe i'd like to actually write & post my writing on here but then i remember the worldbuilding i was working on needs to be entirely reworked in some parts & it's like. what's the point until i've worked all that out
#perth.txt#but so much of it bothers me & idk how to fix it bc. it was meant to be a roleplay universe#it was built over time with a bunch of diff elements that were brought together & some of them just dont mesh#im afraid it might be too big for me to handle on my own bc im a little too obsessed with making a world that has similar size as earth#meaning all the cultures n countries n stuff that come with it#it can technically be made easier through the power of 'this is a fictional world but there are shitty rich ppl'#in which the shitty rich ppl ruined it for mostly everyone else#but the way i see it its gonna bring up things that i frankly dont trust myself to handle properly#bc its big & i get squashed by just. all the aspects to be taken into consideration#i probably make things too hard for myself i'm no tolkien i could just go 'its like this bc its like this :)' & go#but........ would i ever be satisfied with it.#if im not satisfied with the worldbuilding how can my readers be........#not that i intend on going into writing of all things as a career i have enough dead end prospects as is#i just. want to share the stuff i care about & sometimes that happens to be worldbuilding & stuff#but its a large world & it has a lot of barely worked on but full of potential concepts#& im bound to neglect some of them eventually if i want to focus on one single plot.#which i dont.#the whole point from the start was that the little people can get together and make things better when everything seems hopeless#a kinda salvageable thing would be a timeskip where the characters get cryostasis'd or w/e after the big event#but it feels like a cop out & i really dont wanna go for that. not the whole fleet#the fleet itself might be part of the problem. it was brought up by my friend but. i dont have to keep that. it just doesnt work for me#i feel it defeats the purpose if we have intergalactic travel. yeah our rich people suck can you help us take them down ok bye#i Do like the idea of having Big Technology Advancements of sorts but. i think maybe the fleet is stunting me.#but what to do instead... maybe i should rework the 'sacred weapon' stuff too. i don't know how though.#i was a bit attached to that & it's kinda central to two of the main plotlines...#considering one of them if centred around. the sacred weapon themself#grbrbgrbgbrgbgr i need to think on all of this
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#feelin weird. feelin real weird. in a bad way? no i guess not but more like im a haha wtf is happening here?#like i should maybe track my mood just so i can be like wtf is this? more bc i think its interesting#bc like i mean im spending ~11hrs in the lab and the stress has been real high and ive not been sleeping well#but like currently? i feel like i wanna run a mile. like i wanna run around in circles and scream and laugh until i cry#too much energy. too much energy. but y? where is it coming from? its weird#its like the edge of a headache. the cusp of turning. it doesn't quite feel bad yet but like i woke up at 4#and was insane until 6 when i had to get up and then i was in the lab all day until 6.30#and immediately i went for a run like empty stomach. i need to run now. and i still feel like that. like i need to run and run and run#but like y am i not exhausted? im not even tired? im vibrating#i watched the new successi0n episode twice and im losing my mind abt it#so its weird and i dont understand. but its not bad. it feels out of control like it feels fucked up but im not being like irradic#like if i was standing beside someone i dont think theyd notice. except maybe my sister bc i think if i talked id be noticeable#energetic. idk maybe im just exhausted and brain is pumping me with stress hormones so i csnt stop but i also csnt feel it#but i suspect its something to do with estrogen and progesterone levels changing which isnt great bc ive got a cycle that borders being#concerningly short but like idk rn its fun. im sure itll break and ill split apart but rn everything feels hilarious#its also weird bc im always like: y do i have so much energy after i dont sleep? is not sleeping thr answer. and today i was like hm#maybe i cant sleep bc i have too much energy. hm. idk its not bad. it doesn't feel bad#it just feels interesting and notable so im noting it. weird stuff. hopefully it pulls me thru tomorrow#bc my back fucking hurts lmao and its monday so ppl r back in the lab as i stand around for 11 hours#unrelated
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