#ITS SUCH A GOOD WHAT IF THOUGH HOLY FUCK. IMAGINE 4 RETURNING FROM HER LITERAL ODDESSEY

[opal-owl-flight]

TO THAT PERSON WHO SENT ME THAT ASK ABT 3 WAKING UP AND HAVING NO MEMORIES. I AM TAKING AWAY THE BLENDER

[sometipsygnostalgic]

What are your thoughts on Star V.S The Forces Of Evil?

I used to follow this show back when it was airing. I had a friend who was absolutely obsessed with StarCo.

Said friend just became super depressed at the finale and stopped talking to us because of it.

Everyone knows the finale of this show is a bit of a dumpster fire. However, the most popular vloggers - such as Blue Order - say that ships like TomStar were "clearly being built up to". This is wrong. The show was clearly baiting StarCo the whole time. It would have impressed me if it actually subverted StarCo but alas we need our series-long-slow-burn-to-finale-kiss :/

i guess they didnt actually kiss in the finale they kissed before then on top of some pigs, which is... better? but

imagine an au where there were a couple for like an entire season or two and we got to see them be a pair ala finn x flame princess, which imo is still one of the best teen relationships ever portrayed on television, realistically awkward and honest and flawed.

i think it was starco which cemented my idea that series finale pairings are bland hetero bullshit. though harry potter movie 8 certainly helped.

I think the point where the fatigue REALLY hit is when they were acting like Tom and Star would get together, then there was Marco and Kelly, and suddenly Marco and Kelly brOKE UP OFFSCREEN and Kelly was written out of the show entirely during the Cleave. Stuck in her own universe. Holy shit. Tom was as well, if I recall? I can't remember where he ended up.

anyway enough about shipping, time for the actual plot.

the first season is a bit agonizing. it has its fun moments but it's mid to low tier. it's commonly agreed that the show peaks at the Toffee storyline, and I totally agree here, there's enough going on emotionally - especially with poor Moon, and when Marco punches Toffee - while still being small scale enough to feel personal. i am also SUPER crazy for the use of dark magic in these early seasons, like the Whispering Spell, or the curse that Eclipsa taught Moon. It was nice that you have these magical girls but not all their magic is light, some of it is very grim.

i found Eclipsa's storyline mostly interesting, but largely wasted potential. I didn't feel like Eclipsa becoming queen was a natural conclusion, since she doesn't WANT to be queen. She wants to run away with her monster husband! To make a comparison, in Adventure Time, an AU in the comics has Marceline become a Queen alongside Bubblegum, but the show itself heavily implies Bubblegum eventually steps down to live her best life with Marceline, and I think the latter is far more fitting. Eclipsa is even closer to Marceline in this regard! I still think Star was a more fitting Queen, even if Eclipsa was the rightful heir, and I was sure season 4 was building to her just giving the throne to Star (before it was eventually destroyed... or not? i don't know).

The whole stuff with Mina in the final season... the thing is, the story wanted us to be invested in the Monsters vs Mewmans war, but spent absolutely no time with any relatable/likable monsters. It just assumed we would automatically be invested in the Right Thing, because Star is, but Star is just an aristocratic ally. She's great and all, and I think the arc she goes through is genuinely good as a maturity storyline, but Star agonizing over all the monsters being discriminated or leaving, it was not fun. The Mewmans themselves were so annoying and agonizingly narrowminded anyway, it’s not like this was a conflict we cared about. 

What I found somewhat ballsy, politically interesting even, was the episode with Moon and the Mewmans who had either been displaced after Eclipsa gave the monsters back their homes, or who left just because they felt uncomfortable with monsters being around. The episode makes it very clear that the Mewmans are largely bigoted assholes, but they're also people, and some of the reparations under Eclipsa actually hurt them. Like a family whose home they had for generations got returned. It's not the fault of the Monsters, it's the fault of Solaris and the kingdom leadership for invading the monster homes and putting Mewmans into it, rather than working on solving the problems within her own kingdom.

As a result, even though Moon has not made any political statements against Eclipsa, she finds herself surrounded by a bubble of displaced or agitated Mewmans who do not want to integrate with monsters, and as the former Queen, she feels it is her responsibility to look out for these idiots. But what makes her different from Star is that Moon herself has a hatred of monsters, especially because of what Toffee did to her family ( yet it turns out Toffee only existed BECAUSE of her family). So Moon hasn't decided what she thinks is right, and has a pseudo nation forming around her, while Star has already set her mind on doing the right thing but is losing a lot of allies over it. This episode made the world feel more alive to me!

Unfortunately the way this arc was concluded was aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Namely, whatever the fuck Moon did with bringing the Solaris soldiers to life (WHY??? WHY WOULD SHE EVER DO THAT? SHE WOULD NEVER RISK STAR GETTING KILLED), versus the whole "destruction of magic" (WHAT), and finally the Cleave????????????

Because fusing the two worlds together is clearly the best solution, anyway don't mind that we literally destroyed all magic for some reason, only the magical beings you dont care about died or got debiliated (which makes no sense but whatever).

Overall a decent show mired by romance nonsense and by a misguided attempt at politics for two groups that nobody gives a shit about.

[hellerism]

I want an essay on #12)

12. symbolism: tell me about some cool symbolism in spn! your pick

*puts on my english major hat* im about to put more effort into this than anything ive ever written for college. ok top 10 supernatural symbolism...this isnt in any particular order its just whatever i think of first. also it might not be actual top 10 im just remembering random shit. this has gotten out of hand so im putting it under a read more

1. the most obvious one, the impala. many have discussed this before me and im probably just repeating what others have said, but the impala is an extension of deans body/a representation and mirror of both his physical and mental state. obviously the impala gets destroyed in the season 1 finale when dean is dying. and he rebuilds it in season 2, while he is trying to regroup and rebuild from the death of his father. ive seen a post about how dean losing it and smashing the impala is a metaphorical form of self-harm which is :(( also, the impala staying covered and hidden away while dean is living with lisa and ben with this reading is so interesting. i do think dean loved the idea of a normal life with lisa and ben more than the reality (not that i dont think he loved them! any scene with dean and ben makes me soft). but this also makes it that much sadder because supernatural considers dean unable to live a life that doesnt involve hunting; the impala is hidden and dean is a shell of his real self. in season 7, they once again have to hide the impala away and use other cars. the impala is gone and hidden away; something is wrong. dean is hurting. he isnt his full self. why? whats missing during that time? cas. and in season 10, when dean is a demon, he stops caring for the impala. you know, because something is wrong with him. because hes a demon.

2. dean knocking over and breaking the angel statue in the beautiful room. he makes it fall with a single touch, hardly a push. and all it took cas was a single touch for him to fall and break. dean, of course, doesnt mean to shatter cas, though he does mean to make him fall. dean repeatedly argues with cas, acting as the human opposite to cas’ emotionless faith in heaven, pushing him toward the edge, pushing him to rebel, pushing him to choose humanity. and it works; cas learns to love through dean, and through that he rebels against heaven and falls in “every way imaginable.” and when he hits the ground, he breaks, shattering all his faith in god and everything, leading into the godstiel arc as he tries to put his pieces back together.

3. the streetlight as a halo over cas’ head in on the head of a pin. it flickers when anna appears, which is physically meant to show her power. however, it also shows cas’ wavering faith in heaven. interesting how anna, the angel who chose humanity over heaven and decided to fall, is the one making cas’ halo flicker. he is beginning to question things. he is beginning to feel. he is beginning to fall.

4. deans leather jacket in the first few seasons. its not actually dean’s, of course. it belonged to john. dean picks it up and puts it on while he and sam are searching for him, physically shouldering the weight of johns expectations of him. its too big on him. and dean is 26 at that point. hes well past done growing; he’ll never fit perfectly into that jacket. no matter what he does, he’ll never fit perfectly into johns expectations: the perfect son, the perfect soldier. and leather jackets are heavy even if they fit well. there is a physical weight on his shoulders now, a manifestation of the weight of the world and the weight of being a parent for his younger brother and everything john has piled onto dean since he was a child. he eventually stops wearing it (bc some absolute legend stole it irl), and i wish they’d taken that as an opportunity to have dean grow out of the shadow of his father, but supernatural is a bad show so they didnt.

5. mary, who just happens to be named after the mother of jesus. the perfect wife, the loving mother, the tragic figure, the victim, clad in white, the color of innocence. except shes not. she was raised a hunter. shes lived the bloody dark side of the world hidden from most. she loved her children, but she wasnt a perfect wife and mother. she didnt know how to cook. she and john fought, and he even moved out for a few days, and she needed her four-year-old son to comfort her. she is not the virginal mother; shes an imperfect person just trying to do her best. the dabb-era deconstruction of the very concept of mary makes me crazyyyyyyy if you couldnt tell.

6. these shots from 9.14 captives

in the first shot, we have a statue of cupid over cas’ left shoulder and a cross over his right. and in the second shot, there is a bible on the right side of the table, and nothing on the left. and cas turns to the left. he turns away from god, continuously choosing to turn away from stability and what he always knew in favor of love and humanity. there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing certain in cas’ future with humanity, but he chooses them anyway. plus, cas inventing free will by falling in love with dean retroactively makes this shot that much better; there is nothing on the left side of the table precisely because there is nothing written for him. cas falling in love with dean created an empty space in gods story. this show is pure fucking insanity oh my god.

7. serafina the angel (the pantheistic view in that episode makes me crazy but we wont get into that). serafina, whose name is audibly similar to seraph, the class of angel that cas is. coincidentally, the only seraphim we see in the show are cas, who falls in love with dean, and akobel, who married lily sunder. serafina, who fell in love with adam, the literal progenitor of humanity. and who is the character in supernatural that has always stood for humanity as a whole? dean. serafina literally had me convinced that deancas would happen in the finale.

8. the removal of -iel from cas’ name. dear god this one drives me crazy and i doubt it was on purpose. castiel, the shield of god. for eons he existed as a warrior and tool of god. and then along comes dean winchester, who does a very human thing. he gives him a nickname. cas. he removes the “of god” part. he removes god from cas, because dean doesnt value him for being a good soldier or a good son. he values him simply because hes cas. and cas questions everything, his loyalty to heaven, his blind faith that god would one day return. he is no longer a warrior of god. he is simply cas, the shield, and this time he chooses to be a shield for humanity, for the winchesters, for dean. for the michael sword. the shield protects the sword. cas dies shielding dean. this got off topic but its just sooo insane.

9. this shit from 2.13 houses of the holy. i know it was an unplanned coincidence but jesus christ.

10. ...lamp. i know i know but it still boggles my mind. the completely out of place tap dance that they had to spend time and money on to train two actors who had never tap danced before. the lamp being a source of light. divine light. cas. the whole thing being set to the song lets misbehave. WHY LAMP.

[cruddyborderlandstheories]

let me explain to you the plot of borderlands 4 (kidding. mostly)

tl;dr: the eridians are evil, or, worse, completely uncaring about the things going on in their little sandcastle. the guardians are salty bitches about it and need our help and/or are going to start slaughtering people and im gonna fuckING TAlk ABOUT IT mostly because i need to write this down bc its been bouncing around my head since the game (bl3, not 4. that’d be wild) came out. minor spoilers for Guns Love and Tentacles. mostly that side quest.

tl;dr: tl;dr: eridians bad, guardians mad, and we are caught in the middle of a war that’s about to go down between them. spoilers for GLaT

tl;dr: tl;dr: tl;dr: Fl4k was a warning. Spoilers.

i dont even know where to begin because FUCK THERE’S SO GODDAMN MUCH TO THIS STORY

so im just going to start listing facts or points (+) of this theory that i remember at this very moment and probably forget a lot of them alright i’ll elaborate on all of this i promise. okay? lets go

+the eridians made a bunch of vaults that hold monsters in them

+some of these monsters are clearly constructs. some of them are not

+those that are clearly constructs:

the warrior

the traveler

the sentinel

+those that are not clearly constructs:

the destroyer

the rampager

the serpent

(possibly) gythian

(possibly) graveward (more on this in a bit)

+those that are not accounted for:

the timekeeper (but do keep this bad boy in mind)

+the eridians made the guardians: biomechanical constructs that are somewhat sentient, gaining sentience, and are supposed to guard the Vaults

+we also know now that there are these things called proving grounds with a salty, sentient guardian named the Overseer:

“vault hunter, I thought you might show up sooner or later. so naughty your species, so curious. the vault of vaults has been opened and IT has been released. prove your worth and I will reveal why the masters made me wait for you”

“naughty humans have opened the vault of vaults but the masters will determine who is a fault. until next time, warrior”

“long ago there was a brief spark, the first vault was opened, a light in the dark. a riddle, yes? perhaps it will unravel next time, hunter”

“so, you’ve returned. persistent, yes. or stubborn? or both. are you so desperate to prove yourself?”

“we were created for one purpose by our masters- and we couldn’t even do that right (laughs). but don’t blame us! when a cog breaks, point your finger at the artificer, not the cog! are you a cog, Vault hunter, or an artificer? Or both? prove yourself worthy.”

“pity us not, though the world has been broken. those who sleep will soon be awoken. not long now, seeker.”

“the eridians were our masters, but we failed them. they gave the order then silence. they VANISHED. such is our fate, Vault Hunter. server to a master who has left the house so long ago. prove to me that you deserve an introduction.”

“we were supposed to guard the Great Jail. but no quarter for servants who fail. but servant, that is not quite right. ‘Prisoner’. that is what i am. Until next time, adventurer.”

“a final chance to prove yourself. but will your reward be what you desire? a prisoner in a cell staring out at the fathoms of a sleeping universe. after a time, how would you know if you were prisoner or master? consider this while you prove yourself one last time.”

“it has come to this. one last trial. but will your efforts be worthwhile? that is what we will determine next time, hero”

“I am a prisoner, but you, vault hunter? what are you? hunter, warrior, hero? no matter what name i use, you return to prove yourself time and time again. but prove it to whom, i wonder? perhaps you seek a greater audition”

“it is done and my masters have taken note. would you like to know what they told me right before they vanished? ‘beware the vault hunters, they will take your kind’s place’. now i am free, and you are chained. until next time, guardian”

“well done, but have they taken note? that is what I wonder.”

+ the entire thing about there being a Fallen Guardian we have to kill

+ how the entire thing of the trails are copies of the worlds we visited to open the Great Vault. either the eridians can see through time (TPS) or they built these recently

+how dark Maliwan is probably working together with the Guardians on Nekrotefeyo given the fact they’re working together in one of the trials

+oh and remember how i suggested Maruice’s ghostie goo (ectoplasm) is actually related to eridians and such? YEAH. turns out that was right.

+Nyriad, the unreliable narrator

+the fucking Forgetting

+how the eridians are NOT ACTUALLY GONE FOR GOOD

+the seraphs!!!

+how the guardians are all named after angels, sirens are tied to humanity’s religious imagery

+how tyreen literally only loosened the chains on the Destroyer and the destroyer is going to break free from pandora

+how animals and people like bloodwing, slag psychos, etc mutate due to the eridium on pandora

+the destroyer’s reaction to slag being injected into its eye is straight panic

+the vault monsters that are fleshy were probably science experiments by the Eridians to test eridium and/or the results of being locked in the vaults for ages

+humanity was probably created by the eridians as well (more on that later)

+the Watcher actually WANTS us to have more Vault Hunters, she warns us that war is coming. all we can assume right now is either the Watcher fucked up big time, or she WANTED all this to happen. More on that later.

+the guardians are preparing for war. the overseer seems especially salty about the cause of it.

+ graveward was killed at some point, so the guardians brought it back using the ships, so that they could use their souls to posses it (further proved by the loot: Grave, relic, and Ward, shield)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 alright holy fuck

that’s a lotta stuff to go over!!! Let’s do this thing.

Let’s start with the Eridians themselves

so. these bad boys. We never really knew much about them, but it was always kinda assumed they’ve been long gone bc of the destroyer, or just out of reach.

now that bl3 dropped we’re supposed to assume that they’re all officially dead bc of Nyriad/the Destroyer

and i am here to say that Nyriad is an unreliable fuckin narrator because she doesn’t know the whole story. in fact, she admits to not knowing everything!!

here’s what I actually think is going on, and yes, I believe 100% the eridians are shady motherfuckers who decided to play god:

the eridians are from a dimension that isn’t ours. we can assume this is a higher dimension, bc of all their weird space/time fuckery, especially the Vaults.

the eridians decided to do some science experiments. they make the vaults and use our dimension to store them and put all their experiments inside. they make guardians to guard their vaults, and they realize they can do better in the ‘making a fully conscious being’ department. they make humanity. they make sirens after experimenting with eridium. they decided to go big or go home, and they make giant monsters. after all that, they realize they fucked up, because there is one monster they cannot contain anymore, after all the shit they put it through

so the eridians realize they done fucked up and escape fully to our dimension, where they placed us and the guardians and all the science experiments they didn’t want to deal with at the moment. The Destroyer follows them

they land on nekrotefeyo, their ‘first landing’ in our dimension (hence the quote above). This, or the eridians had been in our dimension for a while now. Nyriad never says where the Eridians came from, just that they and humanity lived side-by-side, so it’s likely they’d been here for a bit, sending scientists back and forth, just doing their experiments all willy-nilly. And I would bet they created the Destroyer in that time frame.

“for their curiosity, they were rewarded with doom” i believe is a correct statement, but not in the way Nyriad thinks. I think the eridians created the destroyer to see if they could, to test the bounds of what was possible. and it backfired on them in the worst way.

Nyriad also says this, but I have a hard time believing her here

the most this is is speculation, because if none of the civilizations who met the Destroyer had nothing else to pass on, then humanity would not know of their existence. (I mean, she even says ‘SURELY it had different names’) Humanity has no record of other (intelligent) alien life in the universe, or their own civilizations being destroyed by the Destroyer*. It’s just the Eridians. 

*There is a reason for this, but let’s hold on for now.

So why tf do I think humanity was created by the Eridians? well, for one, I like the parallel to them having a god-complex. If they haven’t created humanity, then they definitely fucked with us to create Sirens. Sirens have a strong connection to Eridium and the Vaults (and other Sirens).

second, the murals in (most of) the vaults in bl3

show human-like figures hanging out with kids, and one touching something that seems oddly similar to a relic

like so

(on the left there)

there are also these really tall cloaked figures standing (t-posing) near the end of the mural

and most statues are depicted with robes on

a lot of the human figures in the mural are shown helping each other stand up, coming up from the ground like they’re being created, looking around (up at the sky at rays of light), and standing with a lot of eridian junk (there’s a vault symbol next to one). they’re also not shown to be wearing any sort of clothing, even tho extra steps were gone in to show the robed figures

it reminds me a lot of how a lot of religious texts describe humans as being molded from the earth or dirt or whathaveyou

long story short, it very much reminds of something like a creation myth, so i imagine humanity was, in fact, created by the eridians.

ESPECIALLY this smaller one reaching up to touch the relic

there’s no concrete proof for this, but its a hunch i have after studying this mural for a while. especially after Nyriad constantly questions why the Guardians were made to be on the brink of consciousness. humanity is Guardians 2, electric boogaloo. guardians were a mix of machine and bio goop, we are full bio goop. and that means we are curious, and have emotions, and are very naughty.

that or vice versa, eridians made humanity, realized we weren’t as subservient as they wanted and made the Guardians to fill that niche. Also, most importantly, the Guardians were literally made to be disposable. That’s their entire purpose. Their bodies will degrade, but then their souls will just eventually find another vessel. They’re trapped forever.

EITHER WAY

the Eridians created humanity and the guardians around the same time. enough that the guardians are likely vvvv salty about it.

humanity was made. Sirens came after that, through eridium experiments by the Eridians, explaining their connections to Eridium, as well as the other dimension (the one we are assuming Eridians are from) (think about the Lab Rats and Sirens and such)

so were the eridians preparing for something? war, maybe? possibly. they need firepower and obviously they wouldn’t sacrifice their own people when they have perfectly good constructs, so they’ll use their naughty meat slaves.

but the eridians need more than the sirens. they keep dying, and given the failsafe measures, its hard to keep track of them if one decides to let their powers go, despite the fact they added in, like, a siren gps for sirens to find other sirens and be drawn to them and shit

their big boy guardians, their constructs, aren’t doing enough to defeat their enemy

they start experimenting more with eridium. They learn it has the power to mutate things (mostly elementally, but also causes an increase in size, especially the longer/more they’re exposed to).

they create seraph crystals, condensed eridium, which mutate things at an increased rate. These become discarded eventually for reasons below

they begin finding other kinds of life and mutating the hell out of it using eridium/seraph crystals, in order to create their giant buttfuck squish monsters. These monsters are probably pissed the hell off bc they’re mutated and also probably being attacked by people. so they rampage, killing everything in their path.

the eridians need a way to store the big boys and also take them to the battlefields where they’ll annihilate the enemy, so they create the Traveler and the traveling Vault (which is why there was really nothing of substance in that Vault OKAY TAKE IT). Perhapeth the big flesh monsters mutate more due to being locked inside the Vaults and constantly exposed to eridium/whatever energy is in the other dimension.

Things are going well, and the big flesh monsters help turn the tide of war in favor of the Eridians, until the other party is completely wiped out by what they dubbed the Destroyer. So the eridians decide ‘well, we had our fun, time to put the monsters in their cages and forget about the seraph crystals’.

and most of the big boys, creation and mutation alike, are shoved in their Vaults, guarded by the Guardians so they can’t be released bc of naughty humans. except for one, notably the uncontrollable Destroyer. because it wiped out their enemies, now it wants more, with its insatiable hunger, so it turns its eyes on the Eridians and Nekrotafeyo

sort of explaining why the planet looks like it fucking exploded

the destroyer began to give it the SUCC

but there’s more about that planet

cuz the inside is all glowy and green and you totally know where this is going because i told you im pretty sure the eridians created humanity along with the guardians

i think this is the giant storage unit for all the souls, including the Guardian souls. humanity is depicted being pulled up from the ground in the Vault murals.

lemme explain here

I think nekrotafeyo is where the Guardian souls are stored, like one bigass computer. That’s also, we can assume, where the Eridians got the spark for humanity as well. 

around the game, when u ‘kill’ guardians, you can watch their sparks leave (they’re the red glowy things), they fly upwards and disappear. You can also see blue/green versions of these floating around and not doing anything, notably outside the Rampager’s Vault. 

I am curious if these color differences indicate a difference in wisp type (guardian v human) or if the red means they found another vessel and blue means they chillin. It is interesting to note that the Rampager has the ability to succ the wisps, so its possible its also related to the Destroyer. I mean, its way smaller, but it does IMMEDIATELY start wrecking shit as soon as it leaves the Vault.

anyway there’s more to this, because now we get to talk about ~ghosts~

if u didn’t heed my warning earlier, there are spoilers for guns love and tentacles past this point!! 

DOES THIS LOOK FAMILIAR TO YOU?????

THIS IS JUST HANGIN GOUT IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM BTW

LITERALLY NEKROTAFEYO

and let’s not forget the Halloween event that showed ghosts are a v real thing in the borderlands and not just on carpenter planet

like super real. and the ‘hecktoplasm’ we get fuels a portal to heck. literally another dimension. that BY THE WAY is powered by a Maliwan device. that BY THE WAY is filled with Maliwan troops.

cuz remember on Nekrotafeyo where there are a bunch of Maliwan soldiers, but they’ve all got the DARK prefix to their name? you know how in the proving ground the dark maliwan troops are fighting side by side with a bunch of Guardians?

something fucky is afoot.

reminds me a lot of the terror effect

ANYWAY

i believe nekrotafeyo is where the eridian stored the sparks for both humans and guardians, that’s where they are coming from, and when nyriad questions how tf the guardians got that spark (stolen like fire of the gods), its because they’re slowly gaining sentience over time, probably relating to how many times they’ve been killed (returned to the core and then back again). because i 100% believe the eridians created the guardians just as an endless, permanent workforce, and the guardians that have been disposed of time and time again are starting to realize that and get SALTY. the reason i do not say that the guardians are gaining sentience with regards to how long they’ve been around is bc there’s such a huge difference between the intelligence of The Watcher and just a normal-ass Guardian that I have to assume their developing sentience has a different trigger.

anyway back to the eridians getting the succ from the destroyer. the eridians realize they can’t just run away from it back to their home dimension, maybe bc its tied to that dimension due to the vault mutations (i vaguely remember typhon mentioning that the destroyer is a dimensional horror) so they have to imprison it somehow. How do they do that? well it is fucking terrified of eridium (when you inject the eye of the Destroyer in TPS, it panics and freaks out), probably due to all the fucked up experiments they did on it, so let’s imprison it using that. 

And once we do that, we should probably get the FUCK outta dodge, bc these science experiments are getting c r a z y, let’s remove ourselves from the experiment and observe from beyond

so what do they do?

they get one of their sirens to operate a Machine they built that will send them back home. all of them, at once. we’re going home, fuckers. seeya. and obviously they will not tell humanity, because humanity will want to come with, like a lost puppy. and they will constantly question the other dimension and pester the eridians about it. humanity is annoying and the eridians have 1 big regret, im sure. 

they’re also leaving the Guardians to do their dirty work for them, keep the vaults closed so that humanity won’t open them and send the Eridian’s pissed off creations after them. Also explains why there are no Guardians for the Vault of the Warrior (is an Eridian construct) and why the Traveler had Guardians inside it but not on the outside (to keep it running). The only Vault that made me do a big think is the Vault of Elpis. But more on that later.

so they tell this siren that the machine is going to kill them all, and use their energy to power to machine (lol) to close the Destroyer in Pandora, giving a perfectly good super powered monkey severe anxiety. 

they also (apparently) do this ‘Forgetting’ thing, which Nyriad mentions, which makes humanity forget that we lived side-by-side with the Eridians and also everything about the Destroyer. which is so DUMB of the Eridians. 

because SERIOUSLY people, if you don’t want your idiot children opening something, the one thing you don’t do is make them FORGET WHAT IS INSIDE OF IT SO THEIR CURIOSITY GETS THE BETTER OF THEM WHEN WHAT’S INSIDE OF IT IS LITERALLY ‘HEY, YOU’RE ALL GONNA DIE’. literally pandora’s box. LITERALLY- that’s half the reason I think this is all just one big experiment to them. They don’t give a FUCK about us, actually. they just want to see what will happen. they named the fucking planet Pandora ffs.

like YEAH some people would probably try to open it, to try to kill the Destroyer. but guess WHAT FUCKLENUTS we could have had humans working to keep pandora sealed instead just your cryptic ass guardians. CURIOSITY IS A DANGEROUS THING

and listen. there’s a lot of reasons i believe the machine actually sent the eridians home. even if they actually are just morons and thought the Forgetting was the best thing to do for humanity (scoff)

fdgdsffssfgfsg

all-home

there’s more to this

what are we up to? i stopped writing this like 3 days ago and just came back to it

you guys know the whole story now. im not saying my whole entire backstory is fully correct (like, a lot of it is major speculation) but i do firmly believe these few points:

the eridians are from a higher dimension than our own, and came here for science, or to escape the destroyer

nekrotafeyo is named “first landing”

they have an obvious connection to another dimension thru vaults, eridium, and sirens

the eridians either created or experimented with humanity, eventually leading to Sirens

sirens have this connection to both eridium, vaults, and the other dimension

they have similar powers to some Guardians

on Elpis there are ‘pseudo-Sirens’ created upon exposure to chemical sludge near the Vault

Sirens probably are the result of very exact experimentation, meanwhile these fake Sirens are not

The Leech is able to create ‘Anointed’ who have Siren-like powers and turn to eridium when killed

In bl2, the Lab Rats can see the other dimension when phaselocked by Maya after they were experimented on with eridium by Hyperion

unlike other enemies who only see ‘blue’

every vault monster is the way it is because of the eridians doing shit, including the destroyer

the reason the rampager is so angry and begins destroying everything right away? it was mutated by the eridians/being locked in the Vault. It was stuck in there with a bunch of Guardians, probably either conducting more experiments or there as ‘prison guards’

the destroyer appears frightened of slag in TPS when you inject it, but it also gains power from it- pretty similar to Sirens, and if eridium caused these mutations it could explain the fear

eridium causes LOTS of mutations as we can see throughout the history of the borderlands games. i’ve written 2-3 long-ass posts about this now, i think y’all get the idea lol

terry, badass wildlife, slag/burning psychos, etc

we don’t know how long the destroyer/rampager/etc was exposed to eridium. We’ve only seen (relatively) small doses/exposure times

the eridians lied to Nyriad and are in their home dimension right now, probably laughing at us. or at least like ‘holy shit quick write this down’. this is probably all an experiment to them

I just have this FEELING

so sudden, and new

but really tho

The Overseer basically TELLS us that the Eridians are still out there somewhere

she calls them her masters, talks about how they left the ‘house’, then talks as though they can still see us in the present

Actually you know what, let’s talk all about the Overseer’s lines now because they’re dummy important

copy and pasting this because i forgot...

“vault hunter, I thought you might show up sooner or later. so naughty your species, so curious. the vault of vaults has been opened and IT has been released. prove your worth and I will reveal why the masters made me wait for you”

so IT is most likely the Destroyer. i have the firm belief that Tyreen just ‘slipped its chains’, as Nyriad puts it in her log right before the fight

like r u seriously telling me the eater of worlds is the size of a single story house lmao

NO

bigg

‘why the masters made me wait for you’ “MADE ME” I get the feeling she is here against her will, until her mission is completed

and that mission is to see which humans can pass the trials/the execute the trials

why? we’ll get to that. but she even hints that the reward may not be what we want.

“naughty humans have opened the vault of vaults but the masters will determine who is at fault. until next time, warrior”

so the second time she references her ‘masters’

Vault of Vaults is the vault of the destroyer. which is interesting to me. I guess it makes sense, is a big vault with other, tinier vaults on the surface.

I really wish we got an explanation as to what the Vault of the Architects was. might even explain the pyramid key ;-; fuckin pyramid key

so when i first heard this i thought there was some sorta ‘the masters will determine who is at fault’ rift between humans (the calypso twins or the vault hunters)

but now after learning more i realize this is probably between humans and guardians

are humans at fault for being naughty, or are the guardians for failing their only purpose?

i get the feeling the eridians will blame the guardians. the less favorite child :(

“long ago there was a brief spark, the first vault was opened, a light in the dark. a riddle, yes? perhaps it will unravel next time, hunter”

sooo im pretty bad with riddles

either this takes place long before our recollection of events, or this takes place around when typhon opened the first vault on promethea

what i think this means is possibly the beginning of Guardians gaining sentience

nyriad describes the smarter guardians as ones having a ‘spark’. i believe this is what the Overseer is referencing here- their gaining consciousness

THAT, orrrrr the guardians saw themselves fail at their only task and began to realize they could do more with their lives

failure breeds success, after all

“so, you’ve returned. persistent, yes. or stubborn? or both? are you so desperate to prove yourself?”

the differences between humanity and the guardians. humanity has strong desires/emotions, the guardians don’t

or, at least, they didn’t.

“we were created for one purpose by our masters- and we couldn’t even do that right (laughs). but don’t blame us! when a cog breaks, point your finger at the artificer, not the cog! are you a cog, Vault hunter, or an artificer? Or both? prove yourself worthy.”

lots to digest here

one purpose - to keep the Vaults closed

the guardians recognize they are only cogs in a machine, that they’re only tools, and it seems that they’re becoming bitter

‘point your finger at the artificer’ obviously blame the Eridians, not the guardians

‘are you a cog... or an artificer. or both?” i think is very important. i think this is another hint that humanity was created by the eridians

‘or an artificer, or both’ showing that humanity can step out from the shadow of whatever the eridians planned for them and make their own choices/destinies. the guardians can’t. ... yet.

“pity us not, though the world has been broken. those who sleep will soon be awoken. not long now, seeker.”

‘though the world has been broken’ - either bc the Eridians left them/the Vaults have been opened

more importantly “those who sleep will soon be awoken”

what i think this means, personally:

Graveward is a vault monster that appeared deceased (already killed or just died of natural causes) when we got there

but it was combined with a bunch of ship parts

this is confirmed both by the art book and by just LOOKING AT HIM lmao

these ship parts are likely a way to resurrect him by allowing the guardians to posses him

guardians are biomechanical constructs, so it makes sense that they would begin scavenging ship parts from eden-6 to fit to graveward

so they can have a stronger body to pilot

something had to be pulling those ships in to crash

also, this means BALEX didn’t do anything wrong lol

when you get to the vault, tannis is confused, because there should be a vault monster, but there’s only guardians

that is, until you kill Grave and Ward

they (and a bunch of other Guardian souls) then possess Graveward, bringing him to life- or, awakening him

what i think this means: the guardians are going to start possessing more and more stuff

why this means ‘those who sleep will soon be awoken’ possibly vault monsters who are killed aren’t actually killed, they’re just put in a sleeping state and the guardians will be using their tech to control them with guardian souls

the guardians stuck in that big ol computy machine somewhere (god pls let it be nekrotefeyo) are ‘sleeping’ and by taking control of those vault monsties, they will be able to wake up and pilot their own bodies

that is, there are too many souls, too little bodies, so they need more vessels

tl;dr: MORE GUARDIANS

also can we talk about how Sirens can absorb guardian souls pls?? bc what the FUCK tannis

ugh how fuckin’ creepy would it be if the eridians made the fleshy Vault Monsters and used the guardian souls to puppeteer them

seriously though, Tannis absorbed a bunch of Guardian souls why are we not talking about this

how was that not an important plot point

is tannis going to be okay?? i love tannis. please don’t hurt her. are guardian souls just pure energy?? what does it mean??? GEARBOX-

“the eridians were our masters, but we failed them. they gave the order then silence. they VANISHED. such is our fate, Vault Hunter, server to a master who has left the house so long ago. prove to me that you deserve an introduction.”

i think its really important that the Overseer doesn’t say the Eridians are DEAD. instead, she says they just ‘vanished’ or ‘left the house’

i think this further proves they’re still out there somewhere. probably watching over us like creeps

literally from the new DLC... come on. COME ONNNN

also confirmation the eridians are the ‘masters’ the Overseer is referring to all the time

side note i have the game sitting open on my other screen and wainwright just asked someone to drink him under the table what the f-

it does sound like they’ve been forgotten as even servants to the Eridians because she specifically says “were” and “but we failed them” probably meaning the Eridians were their masters UNTIL the guardians failed to keep the Great Vault from being opened

though i do think “prove to me that you deserve an introduction” is interesting

like do we not deserve one yet? well, not until we complete the trials she’s supposed to test us with

“we were supposed to guard the Great Jail. but no quarter for servants who fail. but servant, that is not quite right. ‘Prisoner’. that is what i am. Until next time, adventurer.”

kinda repeating what we learned from the above quote

‘Great Jail’ they put the Destroyer in evil baby jail for his crimes

no quarter for servants who fail - yeah the eridians are like ‘wow you guys suck, fuck you guys’

‘prisoner, that is what i am’. the guardians are all stuck in their roles. they’re trapped here

“a final chance to prove yourself. but will your reward be what you desire? a prisoner in a cell staring out at the fathoms of a sleeping universe. after a time, how would you know if you were prisoner or master? consider this while you prove yourself one last time.”

‘will your reward be what you desire’? we learn that the reward is actually being a guardian, so... it’s not great, if our deductions hold any water

‘a prisoner in a cell staring out at the fathoms of a sleeping universe’ - what the Overseer probably sees her position as guardian of the trials as a prisoner- same with all the other guardians stuck watching over the Vaults

i do also think this may be in reference to the fact she’s stuck in this dimension with us while the eridians ran away

“I am a prisoner, but you, vault hunter? what are you? hunter, warrior, hero? no matter what name i use, you return to prove yourself time and time again. but prove it to whom, i wonder? perhaps you seek a greater audition”

‘hunter, warrior, hero’ note she calls us by a bunch of titles throughout her greetings/goodbyes. but we are not satisfied by any of them

clearly we’re not proving ourselves to HER, since she questions who we are trying to prove it to

‘greater audition’ is likely in front of the ‘masters’ who are the eridians. remember, we have to prove to her first that we are worthy of an audience

“it is done and my masters have taken note. would you like to know what they told me right before they vanished? ‘beware the vault hunters, they will take your kind’s place’. now i am free, and you are chained. until next time, guardian

the eridians know what we’ve done- now humanity takes the place of the guardians

“beware the Vault Hunters, they will take your kind’s place” seems like a pretty fucked up thing to say

but also, more proof the Eridians knew what the FUCK was up, kyle

humanity is just guardians 2: electric boogaloo

the trails were ultimately a test to see if we were up to the task

and now that humanity (or, at least, the Vault Hunters) has taken the place of the normal Guardians, the others are free to do... something

what... i wonder.

i do think it is interesting that the Overseer is pretty morally gray here. like, she’s trapped here to oversee the trials for however long the Eridians have been gone, to see if humans are truly the successors to the Guardians

she obviously doesn’t want to be here, calling herself a prisoner

she even warns us that the reward won’t be something we want- i imagine she might not exactly be able to tell us WHY we will not like it, she is being watched by her masters (the Eridians)

like, i get WHY she doesn’t tell us what’s going to happen. if i were trapped there, I’d do the same thing

but here’s the thing

since we are (we assume) fully squishy and not mechanical in any way, we still have our free will (unlike, we can assume, the guardians)

so we’re not literally trapped in one job forever- we can choose whatever we want to do

so WHAT exactly do i think the guardians are going to do? well, they’ve got an entire army’s worth of souls, they’re resurrecting dead Vault Monsters, and they can modify their bodies now to become more weapon-like

what do I think is happening? The Guardians are preparing for war with the Eridians- they want to destroy their creators, and with us becoming the new guardians, there’s this loophole that allows the old Guardians to finally, FINALLY do whatever they want

(Is Fl4k supposed to be foreshadowing for this? Yeah, I believe they are!!)

+ also before i forget: the entire thing about there being a literal Fallen Guardian we have to kill

i believe this has to do with the fact when you kill it, it drops money. since we can assume the trials are crafted/designed by the Eridians, we can assume the Fallen Guardians are apart of that design as well. It drops money, which probably shows how it’s become corrupted compared to the other guardians. it has desires (collecting wealth). Since the Guardians are inspired by angels (especially in TPS), it’s probably supposed to be a direct callback to that

alright so I think you all are probably like CRUDDY THE PRE-SEQUEL

and like, yeah, that’s what i’ve been building up to the whole time

The Watcher!!!

“War is coming, and you’re going to need all the Vault Hunters you can get”

Let’s just look at the Watcher’s actions throughout TPS and Tales (well, her inactions in Tales, as well as 3)

In tps, the Watcher brings Zarpedon to the Vault, allows her to see the future, and creates the Lost Legion

so we all assume that yes, she’s trying to stop the Elpis Vault (and, by extension, Pandora) from being opened

but here is the thing. the lil thing. the BIG thing actually.

she stops us from killing zarps in the BEGINNING of the game

in the middle-ish when we kill zarp for realsies, she is NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. Zarp lets Jack know where the Vault actually is and little miss alien face IS NOWHERE AROUND

when you are inside eleseer, lilith mentions that the Guardians there actually let her through, like they WANTED her to be there

now let’s remember Lilith’s actions in tps (and remember that she is IN NO WAY at fault here. jack is a dickbag. you try to tell me this is lily’s fault and i’ll kick your shins into your asshole)

while jack is seeing the future about the Vault of the Warrior, she punches the treasure of Eleseer into his face. this cuts off the vision, so unlike Zarps all Jack sees is that he opens the Vault of the Warrior. Nothing about the Destroyer destroying everything.

and still, the Watcher is nowhere to be found.

So Jack opens the Vault of the Warrior, Lilith learns she can activate the Vault Map, the events of Tales happens, and Lilith has Athena tied up and is about to shoot her

WHEN FINALLY

FUCKING. FINALLY.

THE WATCHER SHOWS UP

and tells us that ‘we’re going to need all the vault hunters we can get’

now let’s TAKE A STEP BACK HERE

obviously. OBVIOUSLY.

this is pretty backwards from what the Guardians are actually meant to do: keep the Vaults closed. If she wanted us to NOT open the Vault of the Destroyer, she probably should’ve just come right out and told us what’s up. 

no, I think she 100% wanted the events to happen in the way they did.

Because remember, after this, SHE NEVER SHOWS UP AGAIN!!!

not in tales, where she could have stopped the Vault of the Traveler from opening (in fact she could have let Athena die and lowered the team’s chances of defeating the Vault Monster with whatever canon choices there are), not in 3 when she could have prevented the twins from doing any number of things they did, not to give advice to lily on sanc-iii, not during Commander Lily (even though she’s mentioned briefly) she did FUCK ALL

she did J A C K S H I T

it’s because she wanted this to happen. she WANTS the vaults open.

why? well, see above. The Guardians want the Vault Monsters all killed so they can resurrect them as big boy guardians

and that war she’s talking about? it wasn’t the war in bl3. That’s why she never shows her face. she’s talking about war with the Eridians. 

Which is probably bl4.

alright im tired. eridians bad. guardians okay-ish. they might try to kill us all and use our bodies as vessels, who knows.

anywaY this was all an elaborate plan for me to explain the backstory of h2o au and why magic is real in the borderlands universe and why they decide to FIGHT- [gets dragged off computer by a cane]

wow this is a 36 page document, why can’t i be this enthusiastic about school??

[davidmann95]

Comics this week (12/1/2020)?

calvatronlordofall said: Today’s comics?

Far Sector #9: Another comic I won’t understand until it’s done and I can reread the whole thing but that I’m enjoying anyway. Really, really hope Jemisin continues contributing to the medium in some form after this, because she absolutely has a gift for it.

Strange Adventures #7: He doesn’t care for tyranny, folks. And JEEESSSUUUUS, Doc

DCeased: Dead Planet #6: Some quality DC Comics nonsense problem-solving, but not sure at all whether the chips are gonna fall in favor of the stuff about this I’ve been really liking or the aspects I simply don’t care about at all.

Tales From The Dark Multiverse: Wonder Woman: War Of The Gods: While I’ve seen plenty of them around the periphery in anthologies and so forth I think this is Vita Ayala’s first full work I’ve been exposed to, and tbh I can’t say I’m taken, even given the pretty threadbare-seeming material for them to work with. I’ll still give Children of the Atom a try, but my expectations have been lowered. Nice seeing Trish Mulviihill’s colors though, thought they looked familiar and it turns out she worked on my beloved Superman & Bugs Bunny.

Batman: The Adventures Continue #7: Yeah, now that it’s all said and done, definitely the best take on the death and return of Jason Todd.

Batman #104: Art’s taken a hit, but Ghostmaker’s getting more and more fun as a character the more that comes out about him. And surprising seeing Dick in his real Robin suit in flashback, Dark Designs had him still rocking that New 52 abomination. It really seems like the policy RE: costumes in flashbacks with him remains up in the air at any given time?

Anonymous said: Thoughts on the long-awaited BatCat?

Anonymous said: Bat/Cat the objectively best comic of the week. Thots.

Batman/Catwoman #1: I imagine disappointingly, quite few - both the best and worst part of this book is that King’s entire spiel on “This is gonna be such a different animal from my regular run, this is my DKR, this is my ultimate prestige statement on the characters” was pure hype, this is just the next issue of his Batman run with Clay Mann as the new main artist. And it’s good! I like it! I think it’d take awhile for anybody to tumble onto the ‘three timelines’ aspect of it if they didn’t go in knowing about it since the color of Catwoman’s suit is the only obvious tipoff for a chunk of it, but it’s still a well-constructed piece of comics in line with the story up to this point, even if it’s so in line with it that it pretty much puts the lie to the notion that this was originally conceived of as a special prestige project in the same way as Strange Adventures or Rorschach. Mostly I’m just struck now that it’s out by the guts of doing a straight sequel to Mask of the Phantasm, given that’s maybe the singularly least divisive major Batman story: everybody on every side of the Batman-loving aisle recognizes it as hallowed ground, so nobody’s gonna not be let down if you fuck it up. I really need to rewatch it, it’s been well over a decade and unlike Return of the Joker my memories of it have almost entirely faded.

Black Widow #4: The further in I get the more I’m struck by the cleverness of the central conceit. How do you construct a drama around a century-old woman whose business has her have to mostly forsake most normal human connection? Make the literal supervillain plot that she’s been forced to have incredibly intimate human connections, and now she’s just gotta deal with that on top of what would otherwise be fairly routine Black Widow stuff.

Miles Morales: Spider-Man #21: Hate to say it folks, but even discounting the severity of the delays this arc’s been a dud. Really hoping it finds its feet again soon.

King In Black #1: Holy cow, this was ass. I went in thinking “well, I’ve resigned myself to having to get this to understand the crossovers into books I’m already getting and tie-in minis I do care about, but Cates still has a baseline level of competency so it should still be perfectly readable”, but this is just...nothing. This is that modern Dan Jurgens tier where it’s so bland and perfunctory and inoffensively executed it loops back around to infuriating, except Dan Jurgens’s writing if nothing else at least doesn’t strut around in tangible self-regard as the next great sales-shattering triumph of the Punk Rock God Of Comixxx like Cates’. And when was the last Marvel event on this scale with such little hype behind it? Even Empyre seemed like it had more weight on arrival, and much as I enjoyed it I’m pretty sure that book mainly existed to fill space until we got this. Maybe it’s just the circle I run in. I swear I remember Thanos Wins being pretty fun, and I just reread Atomahawk and that was still a hoot, so it’s a shame Cates has turned out this way, and worse he’s ended up Marvel’s new golden boy. Unless my dad likes it (and if so hey, he’s not alone, I imagine this is selling gangbusters) I’m sure not grabbing another issue, so I guess I’ll have to do my best with context clues in figuring out what’s going on for...Guardians of the Galaxy, S.W.O.R.D., Daredevil, Namor, Return of the Valkyries, the Joe Fixit Immortal Hulk one-shot, Iron Man/Doctor Doom, and the next book below. Fuck.

The Union #1: I’ve only read Everything Used To Be Black And White for Jack Staff but I was definitely curious what Grist would do here, and it didn’t disappoint! Fun little story, bunch of neat character ideas I’m looking forward to seeing developed further, very lived-in feeling slice of its corner of a superhero world.

Marvels Snapshots: Civil War: An excellent little parable that I’m surprised we didn’t actually see the likes of in ‘06, and frankly worth getting a mediocre Miles Morales arc for (even if it was disappointing that that one had to be where the ball was dropped) if this is where Ahmed’s attention was going instead.

Daredevil #25: So I turned two pages at once and accidentally spoiled myself at the last possible moment for the big reveal of the issue, so that sucks. Still a great issue though - one that manages to function as a logical extension of an incredibly street-level story even though it can only possibly exist as an extrapolation of the wildest excesses of the Marvel universe - but I cannot imagine how the hell the next is gonna cleanly pivot into King in Black shenanigans.

Kill A Man: A new OGN by Steve Orlando, cowritten with Phillip Kennedy Johnson and with art by Al Morgan and letters by Jim Campbell, the reductive though not inaccurate pitch is ‘queer Creed’. But since this is likely to sail under the radar I need to emphasize this is one of Orlando’s absolute best works, a real triumph of the form that’s among the best comics of the year (good GOD does this put to shame 99% of superhero comics fight scenes by the end), and a must-buy for any fans of his work. I’m just gonna let how hard the title and solicit text go speak for themselves:

“As a child, James Bellyi watched his father die in the ring as payback for slurs thrown at the other fighter. Today, he's a Mixed Martial Arts star at the top of his game, and one of the most popular fighters in the world...until he's outed as gay in his title shot press conference. Abandoned overnight by his training camp, his endorsements, his fans and his sport, to regain his title shot Bellyi is forced to turn to the last person he ever wants to see again: Xavier Mayne, a gay, once-great fighter in his own right...and the man James once watched kill his father.”

[crescentbunny]

Thank you for tagging me! @shut-up-alexa

Tagging  @that-wildwolf @rpgwrites @mordinette

If you want Mass Effect Fic, come check me out. 

I’m p sure I’ve been tagged for this before and decided not to partake since I only had the one fic so if you tagged me before for this - I’m sorry, I didn’t ignore you I did see it!

How many works do you have on AO3?

Just the 2 - for now

What’s your total AO3 word count?

175,504

Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

Of course are you kidding? Creators live for feedback and I’m not going to let a single ounce of the kindness people have chosen to give me go to waste or even seemingly go unappreciated. My britches will NEVER be to big to reply, even if I got thousands a day I would answer back.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

For the moment it’s Of Reapers and Burnt Beginnings. The end of ME2 didn’t end on a high note, and the games certainly didn't explore it - so I did.  Shep getting court martialed and put on trial would be a public media FRENZY. We are talking death threats, assassination attempts, threats of war over the Butcher of Torfan’s seemingly callous murdering spree in the Bahack system, at the bare minimum! The next portion of this fic, Of Shallow Graves and Glorious Cinders, is still being written to completion before I post. Its first few chapters explore the fall out of the trial and its effects on Shepard’s mental health and that of her friends as well.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

I guess Devil’s Den? It ends with Shakarian in a post-coital haze with a moment of fluff obliterated by Joker. 

Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the strangest one you’ve written?

Not yet

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Also not yet - I’ve been super lucky and non-stop supported by the most lovely and kind people. I am so spoiled - I know it and I take no moment for granted. 

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

In my WIP folder there is EVERY kind. Well, maybe that’s not true - I don't get heavy into sub/dom kink or even understand the alpha/omega stuff. I apparently took too much of a break from fanfic and missed that trend.

One of these days I’m gonna write smut of Samara just utterly destroying Femshep. You can’t tell me a 1,000 year old biotic matriarch couldn’t teach you a few out-there things that wouldn’t blow your tits clean off your body, okay. 

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I’m aware of? How would that work? I don’t think I’d care if someone plagiarized me hard - not like I get paid for this and I’d read it, hell yeah. I’ll read the same story line by different people 900 different ways, sign me up. But if someone just outright posted it somewhere else with no credit... that’d be shitty. Don’t do that people. 

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope, I wish! I wish I knew 4 other languages, I’d just do it myself! That's got to be a massive labor of love though holy shit.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I haven’t but I’m certainly open to it - if it’s an idea that gets me excited I’ll throw down with someone.

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

In Mass Effect it’s Femshep x Garrus. I can ship literally anyone with femshep with extraordinary ease though. Special mention to Shack, Shrios, and Shaeed too.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I FULLY intend to complete every half realized story in my WIP folder - so hopefully none.

What are your writing strengths?

I’m not entirely sure? I just know I like to read what I write. Which is the whole point. My most poignant comments have been about good characterization and “really hot sex" lol. 

What are your writing weaknesses?

Getting into the grove. It takes me hours to settle down and crank out words. My job is very stressful and it doesnt leave me a lot of time to write, and when I do have time I feel wiped out. Ah, adulthood.

Editing my own shit. I get sucked into the story EVERYTIME and I stop looking for errors. Man it’s annoying. (I mean, it’s a good thing too. I write for myself after all, but WHAT a hinderance.)

Not sure what to call it, but I’ve discovered I have a very out there opinion on how sentences should be arranged and boy howdy does @shepgarrus call me on it. She also reigns in my over-the-line prose too, lol.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I wish I was better at it because I love it. I’ve been trying to write a Solavellan fic and even though I’ve read the elvhen cypher breakdown on Ao3 clean through like five times I just cannot wrap my head around it. And that's just a cypher. Imagine me trying to learn an actual language and you will instantly see why I struggled through languages in school.

What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Sailor Moon!! I’ve got so much fic from my 14 yr old self stored away on my computer still. I can't decide if any of it is cute or just fucking atrocious. Lordy. Trust me it’s all been deleted from ffn.

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

Of Reapers and Burnt Beginnings. I’m just so proud I wrote it at all after not writing a single thing since high school, and I finished it. It’s hella long - longer than The Two Towers, or Return of the King! 

[vanityloves]

anyways im gonna listen to/read the fuckin...rise of the ogre shit bc ive been putting it off 🪓🥴 im gonna put stuff under the cut bc im gonna be TALKING n dont wanna make a new post everytime

piss

ok he performed for 2 pounds 50. which is basically $3 today i- well it was absolutely a power play on his father behalf that also had the promise of money so.

also lol he said Rejection fueled my ambitions which, yknow,, i already knew but it still hurts and i will continue to talk ab it xoxo

AH HELP. "...if ebay had been invented at the time he would've sold me online there and then,"

"man hands on misery to man, yknow"

THEN PROCEEDS TO CONNECT IT TO MUSIC/HIS CAREER. this man said :) the one thing i truly have a passion for. the one thing i fucking like.

oh yeah. bullied by students AND teachers.

oh god hes 42ish during this interview? ok.

the fuckin school bully saying he wouldve acted differently if he knew what hed become

getting called "faceache", then proceeds to call 2d that. jfc he really does just repeat what everyone says. really "treating others how i was treated/how they treat me"

maybe thats why? hes kinder to fans? bc :] you support me and like me so, ok ill return that energy

MURDOC GETTING HIS ASS BEAT N PARADING HOME LIKE WELL I WON BC 'I PISSED YOU OFF' SJDJD

a real rowdy boy. absolute nasty boy. fraud and arson... shooting ppls windows with his air pistols

black sabbath being a huge inspiration? fucking absolutely.

became a satanist n shit at age 16? "it fitted me like a glove" "heavy metal and devil worshipping became my favorite past times" ajsj funny that ppl in trying times often seek religion or following of some sort

heavy metal being his favorite, n loving the clash, while hannibals was more punk based

hannibal breaking murdocs nose for the 2nd and 3rd time for playing his music on hannibals turntable

he doesnt sound that bitter? ab hannibal? he doesnt sound incredibly fond but he talks ab how he got him into a lot of music. so, i imagine they we're a bit closer than i thought?

international baccalaureate in antisocial? anthropology?

MURDOC IS ACTUALLY SMART HE WAS JUST. NOT INTERESTED IN THE SUBJECTS? I GUESS? (also,,, he literally Built cyborg noodle and i think he had a PhD too lol. but its always nice to hear hes actually...yknow, interested or good at other things)

alright but murdoc having a fascination w/ other cultures - or at least some interests, that lead him to actually study the damn subject and "pass with flying colors"

'fuck college though. im gonna be a rockstar'

he sold his soul at 18ish? whenever the fuck he got kicked out but college was mentioned so my brain goes to 18ish idk

he lived with his father still and paid rent via low paying jobs one including 'part time dressing as santa'

help he was ab to take a Personal Job for quick cash and uhh well, "still made me call him sir though" he really said 20 dollars is 20 dollars, huh "that story was totally true"

alright, 1997,,,

2d stuff

loves zombie stuff? thats really cute, and is freaked out by the way they move. god he rambles

both he and murdoc are horses in the chinese zodiac

[[jfc ok if the official shit compares them a lot i understand why ppl ship them but Dont. its a narrative foil and that doesnt always mean Romance jfc.]]

SUMTHINK.

truly... a lil stinker. super cute bouncing baby and a "bit thick" which is stull so endearing to me. hes just a happy man!

excitable 10 year old and would dance around his room

jfc the fact he has normal/caring parents. i kinda forget how opposite hes supposed to be from murdoc but i think thats another thing jsjsysg (murdoc said why isnt my tragic story making me famous why does he get to be the Star. no wonder he acts like a loon)

i still dont get how gettin bonked by a tree branch made him go bald and also turn his hair blue

big tiddy nurse mommy,,,

went to the same school as The Cure and got decent grades despite hittin the noggin quite hard. WANTED TO BE A STORM CHASER... OMG??

oh thats really cute, hed bond with his dad by building keyboards toegther 🥺💕

messed around with paints and graffiti? artistic king

MURDOC AGAIN: QHDJ 'VILLANOUS' GANG HELP

oh yeah d day...new instruments, new band, new singer - and 'had to be the best or no dice' and absolutely CONFIDENT that his songs were bangers ajsjd

but on that same note, had absolute faith (or desperate) in 2d which i love

ransacked the fucking music shop jdjdj and 2d said he was Just Standing There behind the counter the whole shift hdhdh

"thats when your eye came out, yeah" "yeah!-" HELP WHY DOES HE SOUND SO HAPPY AB IT ?? yes he said ut hurt but he sounds...ok

jfc murdoc ragdolling this poor mf around. dunking him and slapping him around. actually? so incredibly terrible and abusive and i hate him for that 🔫 im sorry 2d stans. we dont condone that behavior here ong.

how and why the FUCK did 2d's parents allow that fucker near their child after that i??? help. wtf. his moms a nurse why didnt she just have murdoc sit in plain view of other people. god damn.

2d flying out the window n hitting the curb "whoops"

"just two black holes...[ah] it looked great...a blue hair, blacked eyed GOD- the girls would go wild-" "pretty boy looks" ???? HELP. HE DOESNT GO LIGHT ON THE COMPLIMENTS, HUH

RUSS TIME

oh yeah, he straight up kiddnapped this man help. idk how he managed that, russ is a Big Man??

AND MURDOCS MUSIC WAS SO FUCKING SEXY GOOD that russel said hm alright ill stay, :] out ifbhis owm free will im screaming.

"oh this is one of them febreeze commercials" "uh . yeah sure. *murdoc turning on his Sick Tunes*" but that either means? it was just his guitar playing the convinced russ? unless he and 2d recorded sumn?

"2d was the looks, murdoc the brains, then russel truly was the heart"

'while 2d and murdoc liked music, this man was a MUSICIAN' god fucking bless this book holy shit ny man russ getting some respect. he said back hurts from carrying this band.

murdoc basically heard this guy had big trauma that gave him So Many Skills n said "thats what i want" ok idk thats actually really? inch rest ting to me. seems that murdocs fine handing out compliments but i guess that where his charisma really helps out yeah?

"he was going to be in my band whether he liked it or not" ...murdoc-

HELP. 2D IS LIKE BRO GO ON IM LISTENING 🥺 despite hearing the story 50-60 times and murdoc said fuck off you lil shit.

ok irrelevant but i love his voice! its super comforting n nice to listen to 🥺

HELP MURDOCS SO BITTER. "NOTHING THAT HAPPENS TO US IS NORMAL" WELL YEAH. THIS IS TRAUMA CENTRAL.

idk how/why he sucked up all his friends souls though ... how are they all possessing the same person. they said "its my turn on The Russ"

DELL IS HIS ACTUAL, LITERAL SOULMATE...KING...😭

went to a private school,,, and was already possessed? and the thing where he gets bigger and smaller is a reoccurring thing?

was in a coma for 4 years?

hiphop machine...time and history...the ultimate set i guess.

his knowledge was infinite and hes a "Renaissance man" hes so fucking smart our king. jack of all trades but a master of drums. he said i know im good and what of it

PAULA.

HELP. HE RMBRS THE STALL: CUBICAL NUMBER 3 🥴 IF I DO RECALL 🤤

yes russel our king. fuck up his nose 5 more times. probably stunted his growth too. he shrunk after russ gave him a wallop im sure

why dies paula sound like tracer overwatch

also only dated 2d for 2 months before joining the band?

HELP SHE REALLY WAS THE FIRST MURDOC FUCKER: "but when i saw murdoc with his thick greasy hair, green teeth and yellow skin i thought 'oh this is the ine for me!'" "OH HES SUCH A DANDY-" HELP ME IM HQJDHD

sick in the head...like i want to hurt people help girl. shes fucking Crazy. but she rly said damn i didnt hear back from him again 😭 and my purse is gone JSHHD

MURDOC: SHE WAS DEPRESSINGLY UGLY *still fucked her*

NOODLE TIME

"small japanese person!"

2d: we werent gorillaz until noodle arrived!

im dying the reason he chose gorillaz. 'swinging through the jungle baring my ass'

noodle really said "im just happy to be here" and she balanced everyone out 😭 "she gave off pure love and the fact that she could laugh at murdoc REALLY helped too" RUSS... IS BABY

JFC MURDOCS SO FUCKING CONFIDENT IN THIS BAND IM LIVING FOR THAT. HE SAID YOU WANT US SO BAD IT MAKES YOU LOOK STUPID. THE CHARISMA

2d rambling ab some girl he met and "ssSs" "whats the s stand for hawhaw" "i dont know!".

THE RECORD LABEL GUY.

one song is all it took i ❤ good for them

just murdoc talking ab the party that they threw for thier deal and saying "you dont know how much of a dick i felt like [when carrying one of those huge checks]" like oh thats whatll make you a dick? alright.

A FOOD FIGHT THAT WENT SO HARD THAT IT KNOCKED 2DS TONSILS OUT? WHAT THE FUCK

ahshdj damon and murdoc not getting along bc of Rival Band One Uppery + damon calling murdocs cuban heels crap since ge wore steel ones with gold spurs.

MURDOC FEELIN EMBARRASSED BC HES 'QUITE PROUD OF HIS SHOES'

but the band and damon getting over music and their ambitions and became a "paternal figure"

HELP MURDOC SAID AWIOGA @ RACHEL WHICH MADE HER THROW HER DRINK IN HIS FACE AND SPLIT FROM 2D. kinda sad actually, she said i still like 2d but murdoc kinda ruined it by trying to get it in with me, it put a strain in our relationship :/ oh god murdocs That Dude

nov 31 1998: started recording :]

40 tracks that got cut down to 15 holy shit

KONG STUDIOS 🤲

hooking up cameras in every room ejdjsu

webby artist of the year in 2006? holy shit

noodle learning ab kong studios omfg

JFC. YES I KNEW KONG WAS BUILT ON/IN A CEMETERY BUT I DIDNT KNOW PPL FOR THE FUCKING PLAGUE WHERE THROWN THERE HDJD

built in 1739?

the ghost of the first owners ghost still roams around in the kitchen in the early hours and moans 'aaa glass of water'

theres some rotting bullshit near the studios and in the summer its fucking TERRIBLE

the former owners were a biker gang, and they all died in a fire

murdoc said this place has bad vibes. i want it.

grim weather

the building feels impossible to escape from huHgg

[mooksie01]

With Teammates Like These, Who Needs Friends? (2/5)

Chapter Summary: Clover is screwed.

There are three points of evidence that definitively back this conclusion:

1. The other Ace Ops are never going to leave him alone about his so-called "crush" on Huntsman Branwen 2. He has somehow already upset said huntsman in their first real interaction with each other 3. He has been partnered up with the twice-aforementioned upset huntsman for a mission into the abandoned SDC dust mines

Warnings: Swearing (you can pry Clover-The-Undercover-Pottymouth from my cold, dead hands), Slight Spiciness, Light Angst

Link to Chapter One: [X]

AO3 Link: [X]

Notes: Hello everyone! I cannot believe how positive of a reception this story has received from you all. I could not be more grateful to all of you who have read the first chapter, liked, and reblogged--you're all absolutely amazing. As a heads-up, chapters 2-4 of this story will focus a lot more on Fair Game, then chapter 5 will transition back to some Ace Ops interaction that will set up for future installments of this series. I hope you all enjoy this chapter! Please, please like, reblog, and comment <3

---

Clover is thinking about Huntsman Branwen and he is fucked.

“Clover.” General Ironwood gives him an odd look. 

The near-hysterical vestiges of his functional mind wonder at the tinge of concern in the address.

“Clover? Did you hear me?”

“Yes, sir.” Clover replies, on autopilot.

He’s screwed, he’s fucked, he will never hear the end of this from the rest of the Ace Ops and he is fucked six ways to Sunday.

General Ironwood watches him for a long moment before turning back to the papers he holds in his hands. Normally, Clover would plan out these smaller missions, but seeing as how this was the first one that would combine the Ace Ops with Huntsman Branwen and his team, and as this mission was so vital to the plans for the Amity communications tower, General Ironwood had personally seen to the arrangement of the troops. After their meeting is through, it Clover’s job will just be to pass on this information to everyone and insure that the operation runs smoothly. Which is why he really needs to stop being so distracted by his impending doom and focus.

“Yes, well… as I said, Clover, you’ll be working with Qrow today.” General Ironwood glances up at him again, making brief eye contact before shifting his focus back down. “I can see that you’re worried about him, but I can assure you that he’s a perfectly able huntsman.”

“I have no doubts about that, sir. I’ve seen his record,” Clover hurries to put in, concerned that the general will believe him to be unable to work competently just because of a minor team reassignment. 

(Is he going to be able to work competently?)

“Then what--” General Ironwood stops and narrows his eyes. For a heart-stopping moment, Clover worries that he has been somehow caught-out in his (non-)attraction to Huntsman Branwen. Instead, though, the general simply sighs, “Has Winter been bad-mouthing him to people again? I’ve told her time and again that that sort of behavior is extremely unprofessional….” 

Clover shakes his head hurriedly. He may want to save face, but he isn’t willing to get Winter in trouble to do so. She’s a good soldier. “No, sir. I apologize, I have no issues with the mission assignments. I just didn’t sleep well last night.” 

Which. Isn’t technically untrue. It’s just that the reason he hadn’t slept well last night had been because his dreams had been plagued with gorgeous, dancing red eyes and high cheekbones and alabaster skin that he was sure would bruise so easily if met with the proper treatment....

Holy shit, he’s about to have a problem in the middle of his briefing with his commanding officer; Marrow was right, he’s acting like a teenager. He’s in his mid-thirties, this should not be a problem for him anymore!

General Ironwood still doesn’t seem entirely pleased with his response, but after a few seconds, he gives Clover a final, firm nod. “Alright. Dismissed.”

Clover nods back then stands and hightails it out of the general’s office before anything else can go wrong. 

Isn’t he supposed to have good luck?

Apparently not, as, within moments of leaving (not fleeing!) the room, he quite literally runs straight into Huntsman Branwen as he’s turning a corner. 

They collide hard, and Huntsman Branwen likely would’ve been sent to the ground if not for Clover quickly reaching out to grab him around the waist and haul him up. Of course, this causes them to be… very close for just a moment, and the faint heat radiating off the other man’s body is just a little bit intoxicating, and Clover just hopes that Huntsman Branwen can’t see the flush on his face. 

Huntsman Brawen pulls away and takes a step back, reaching up with one hand to rub at the back of his neck in a move that Clover would call sheepish if not for the fact that he can’t imagine the man before him as ever being shy or embarrassed; Huntsman Branwen is  practically a legend in their circles. The most skilled scythe-wielder in Remnant, some say. A member of the once-renowned Team STRQ, which was still only the second team in history to win the Vytal Festival Tournament twice consecutively (and considering that the first team to do so had been mysteriously stripped of its titles later on, he isn’t sure that it counts anymore).   

Still, the faint redness spreading across Huntsman Branwen’s cheeks seemed to suggest otherwise. 

“Shit, sorry,” Huntsman Branwen mutters, pulling Clover out of his musings. And Brothers, his voice. “Wasn’t really looking where I was going…. Didn’t mean to run into you.” He has a thick Mistrali accent, and his quality of voice is unexpectedly rough. Clover is pretty sure that he can feel his higher brain functions melting into goo. 

Clover isn’t blind and he isn’t deaf. He knows an exceptionally attractive man when he sees one, and if it weren’t for the fact that his team would tear him to shreds (and that he isn’t sure what the general would think if he got involved with Huntsman Branwen), he absolutely would have already started to pursue some sort of connection with the other man. As it is, though, he doesn’t think he could deal with the mockery that would come from encouraging his “crush,” as Elm would say, on Huntsman Branwen, so it’s probably for the best that he avoid doing so. 

Resolved, Clover straightens to his full height, causing Huntsman Branwen to have to look up a little to meet his eyes. His chest squeezes. “It’s perfectly alright, Huntsman Branwen. The blame is at least partly mine; I should have been paying more attention.” 

The other man cocks an eyebrow at him and folds his arms across his chest. Clover makes a very valiant effort at not looking at the way his biceps flex and stretch the material of his new clothes (which are… extremely flattering, to say the least). “‘Huntsman Branwen’? Atlas and its titles…. Just call me Qrow. The other thing just sounds weird.” He moves one hand down to rest against his hip and lets the other hang loose at his side. “And you’re Clover, right? One of Jimmy’s Special Operatives?” He tilts his head, birdlike. 

Clover’s breath catches for a second at the way that his name sounds coming from Huntsman--Qrow’s--lips. He thinks that he’d be wheezing if he weren’t trying so hard to be as in-control as ever. 

Please, Brothers, let this man be into men.

He crushes the errant thought as though it were a Sentinel, with the same cut-throat efficiency.

“That’s right,” he crosses his own arms and thrills a little at the way Qrow’s gaze bounces down and lingers for a second too long before returning to his face. “You’re in luck,” he says, going for humorous, but apparently failing, if the way Qrow’s slight smirk dips is anything to go by, “General Ironwood wants us to pair up together for today’s mission. Maybe it’s a good thing we bumped into each other beforehand.”

Qrow looks away, a full-on frown tugging at his (gorgeous) lips, now. Clover internally panics. What did he say? “Luck, huh?” Qrow scans Clover up and down, his face falling a little more. “Is that what… all of this is about?” He gestures expansively at Clover as a whole, and there’s a note of hurt in his voice that Clover can’t quite puzzle out, but before he’s able to voice his concern, Elm appears at the end of the hall. 

Normally, Clover would be happy to see her. Right now, he is tempted to wring her neck. Not that he could, probably--she is both taller and objectively stronger than he is--but it’s a therapeutic thought, even if he is ashamed by it. 

She looks back and forth between them for a moment, a wide grin quickly spreading across her features. Clover barely resists the urge to groan. “Clover,” she practically sings, “you and Huntsman Branwen are needed in the mission briefing room! Two of those kids are already waiting there for you!” She walks away, snickering. Her heavy footfalls echo long after she’s out of sight. 

Qrow gives him one last glance before turning and hurrying away, his tattered red cape fluttering behind him. 

And Clover stands alone in an empty hallway, wondering what the hell just happened, listening to the quickly-receding sound of Qrow’s footsteps. 

---

More Notes: So, there we go! Clover is a mess, and honestly? Relatable.

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, and I'll see you again tomorrow for the next one! <3

(Also, side-note, I may or may not have written a small story that centers around the rare-pair to end all rare-pairs: Clover/Qrow/Elm. Would anyone be interested in reading that if I posted it?)

[dzamie]

I watched the live action Jungle Book! I’d say it was disappointing, but I set appropriate expectations going in. So, imma get into it:

So, the good parts first, in no particular order:

I really like Kaa’s hypnosis effect. The Disney animated movie’s swirling colors always looked really, really goofy to me, but the live-action’s waves of light and dark were very well done and legit alluring.

There are a lot of little jokes here and there that I feel were written in case they wanted to use them in a commercial. “You have never been a more endangered species than you are at this moment” is actually pretty darn funny.

The bodies moved well. King Louie was really the only animal I thought was straining realism too far; the positioning of limbs and torsos and stuff was pretty spot-on. Tails were a bit wonky, but you have to be looking for something like that, as someone with a slight tail fetish might.

This is definitely unintentional, but Mowgli makes an “oof” sound whenever something bowls into him or he leaps roughly against something. It sounds like the Roblox hurt noise. Tone-breaking, but HILARIOUS.

Having Mowgli seem to fear the bonfire was a nice touch.

As was having the final fight seem to take place at the watering hole, this time during wet season. Far from dry, the exact opposite of the Water Truce occurs - everything is in conflict.

Now, the less pleasant bits.

I mentioned the Water Truce callback was neat? Yeah. What a shame they took multiple minutes to repeat over and over that the Water Truce was that there was a truce around the watering hole. I’m glad they used all that time to explain why it was that Shere Khan wouldn’t attack anyone so he could conveniently see the man-cub. Also to set up the schtick where Mowgli has been Inventing Things because he is a Man.

Elephants are now a religion. I don’t like it, especially because it’s used to set up Mowgli rescuing a baby elephant from a hole, so that Baloo and Bagheera can see that Man Is More Powerful Than God.

The wildebeest herd exists only for shakycam purposes. There really isn’t much reason for Mowgli to not go directly into the river and escape Shere Khan on a log that way.

Oh how they ruined Kaa. I do rather like how she has a more cloying, sweet personality (it’s not better or worse than the animation’s rather goofy fellow, just different), but they whole-ass saw a snake character and thought “hey wouldn’t it be cool if she never wove around him or approached him from different angles? Let’s make sure to never show her for more than 8 seconds at a time, too; we MUST cut between her and Mowgli. There’s simply no way to shoot a scene where they’re both in the shot, talking.”

I hope you like snakeless ScarJo voiceover, because that’s literally half of Kaa’s appearance, from first line to last. It’s great that the man who hurt Shere Khan with fire just happened to be Mowgli’s dad, because I guess it’s not enough that Shere Khan wants to kill all humans in the jungle; he must have a Deep Personal Connection with the man-cub.

I can sort of understand coming out of the hypnotic vision to see Mowgli entirely in her coils, from a “this is Mowgli’s perspective” point of view, but wow it’s really unsatisfying. Look, the animated version had Mowgli slide into pre-coiled snek body, but at least we saw them interact. Kaa is pretty much a static prop here. What a waste of a serpentine character.

For someone who is afraid of heights and doesn’t know Mowgli, Baloo sure is eager to climb a big, tall tree and risk his own life against a giant, hypnotic snake.

Minor note: with all the focus on seeing Kaa from Mowgli’s point of view, Disney sure chickens the fuck out when it’s time to be snake chow. C’mon, you stupid mouse, show us what Kaa looks like inside.

It’s kinda weird that Bagheera and Baloo are so familiar with each other, considering that Mowgli has been in close contact with Bagheera all his life and neither met nor heard of the bear.

Shere Khan is almost comically evil to the wolves. Makes it hard to take his “I’m actually justified in my desire to kill you” thing seriously.

I feel like Disney hasn’t grown out of its “haha imagine SONGS in a CHILDREN’S MOVIE. What a stupid fucking idea” phase. Baloo and Mowgli sing off-tempo and off-key, and King Louie does a weird half-speaking thing that lets you know they want to do a song, but haven’t the slightest clue how to transition into one, and they still want to pretend to be a gritty serious realistic movie with no singing because that’s too silly.

King Louie Is Twenty Five Goddamn Feet Tall Because We Watched King Kong The Other Day

They set Louie up to be a mob boss, calm and composed for like a minute or two, and that goes out the window in no time flat. They try to bring back that structured “I help you you help me bada bing bada boom" thing back in the chase scene, but literally nobody cares what the chaser says in the chase scene. If they did, it wouldn’t be a chase scene.

“No, they don’t fear me, they fear you.” Except clearly they fear you because your MO this entire time has been “let’s kill and threaten animals and see if Mowgli comes back faster.”

Baloo, the laziest bear you ever did see who heard the wolf pledge exactly one (1) time and immediately dismissed it as propaganda, can recite it from heart because Shere Khan needs to be directly confronted with The Power Of Friendship

Can’t be a climax without fire. It’s a good thing that Mowgli can always find a safe path through this raging inferno that’s been burning steadily through the forest for the last few minutes or more.

Mowgli’s entire strategy hinges on many things that could go wrong at any moment:

a) the vines don’t catch on fire as he’s running through the burning forest

b) the vines and branch don’t catch on fire after he suspends them in the air in the middle of a huge forest fire

c) the dead tree, notably made of dead wood, which some may know to be extremely flammable, is not on fire nor does it catch on fire as he’s climbing it

d) Shere Khan follows him onto the branch

e) Shere Khan leaps at him on the fragile branch that Shere Khan seems to notice is weak

f) the vines and branch don’t catch on fire while he’s climbing them in the middle of a huge forest fire

g) he finds a way back out of the woods literally filled with fire

h) Shere Khan even follows him all the way in rather than going “nah the little bitch is gonna burn. Let him.”

i) the animals forgive him for setting the trees ablaze

They let ScarJo sing Trust In Me during the credits. Minor suggestion: don’t.

I choose to interpret Mowgli not seeing what happened with Kaa and Baloo to mean Kaa is still alive, and the monkeys trying to dig Louie out of the ruins to mean that he’s dead. This is entirely because of favoritism.

Compared to the animated version, this movie is much more based around Shere Khan, compared to around Mowgli and the jungle. Rather than “Mowgli won’t be safe here; send him to the Man Village so Shere Khan won’t kill him,” it’s “Mowgli won’t be safe here, but Shere Khan is going to threaten and probably kill us until Mowgli returns anyway, which he surely will because Shere Khan said so.”

They tried to do a grey-morality sort of thing by justifying Shere Khan’s fear of fire and hatred towards Men. But it kind of backfires because Shere Khan keeps being incredibly evil for no particular purpose aside from making his death be a good thing for everyone, and the one crime Mowgli commits (big fire) would not have happened if Shere Khan hadn’t announced his plan to kill the man-cub.

I really miss the allegories to different kinds of philosophies towards society from the animated version. The live-action replaces them with examples of different abusive relationships (Baloo is a manipulative fast-talker, Louie is supposed to be a mob boss, Kaa’s comfort is genuine but overshadowed by a desire to do harm), which is... nice, but not really my cup of tea.

Holy shit there is SO MUCH SHAKYCAM. You can barely see some of the scenes from all the shaking around. “Did we inspire adrenaline in you? Don’t you wanna go fast?” Yes, of course, but what am I doing this about? “...SHAKYCAM!! LOUD NOISES!!” It’s overstayed its welcome.

Realistic CGI animals are actually terrible at emoting.

This felt like yet another action film. Every opportunity they had, they threw in another fight scene or chase scene. You could take most of them out, cut off about 15 minutes from the movie, and still not have removed anything important.

All in all, I’m glad I now have 22 seconds of Kaa saying things. They really shouldn’t have given ScarJo so much coverage in the commercials, though. She’s in the movie for about 4 minutes, and she’s a visible snake for much less. I don’t think I’d pay to see this, and really this just gives me more reason to not watch other Disney live-action remakes.

Shakycam should have died eight years ago. Bring back shot composition.

[camachameleon]

Cam’s Voltron Fic Rec 3/∞

VLD Rec Lists:  [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] Here’s a Fic Masterlist for my other fandoms. ( ** =  favorites )

    **Recoil/Release by Cheshyr

Word count:  22,387 (13/13)

Summary:  When Keith is bitten by an alien creature with venom that causes your dominant emotions to be amplified, the team is ready for a day of dealing with an incredibly angry paladin.

Which means they’re not ready at all for what actually happens.

Comments:  The almost stream-of-consciousness writing of Keith’s parts are really gut-wrenching because it’s as if you are experiencing it with him. (Warning for panic attacks- if you are triggered at all by that sort of thing you may want to sit this one out, it gets pretty graphic). A couple good song pairings for this fic to set the tone are Broken Crown and World Gone Mad.

    **Synergy by Kokochan & Spanch

Word count:  74,064 (10/10) 

Summary:  The vines were large, stiff, gnarly, and thick-stemmed, with blue leaves as big and round as dinner plates, but Shiro’s battle-arm was able to sever several long straggles with ease. The vines draped easily enough over the shuttle and hid it quite handily from view. “Good enough, I suppose,” Shiro said, glaring at the empty greenish-blue sky. “Come on, let’s… Hunk? What’s the matter?”

Hunk was staring at something behind him. “Shiro, don’t make any sudden moves just now, but there’s a really big lizard thing standing right behind you. Um. Two of them.”

Surprised, Shiro turned, albeit carefully. He’d never even heard them approach. That was rather impressive, considering the size of the beasts. It was as though someone had taken a pair of Arizonan horned lizards and rebuilt them more on the lines of a tiger without leaving out any of the spikes, then expanded them to about the size of an Indian elephant and added six large, intelligent blue eyes. Understandably, Shiro froze in place.

Comments: OH. MY. GOSH. OK. SO. This bad boy is Part 1 of 3, so far, with a total series word count of 241,404 at the moment. This beautiful titan of a series is named Of The Pack, and it updates with great speed, considering it has two top tier authors working on it. The several OCs in this story are so lifelike and realistic and fit so well into the universe that I forget that they aren’t actually canon and I kind of miss them when I’m reading other Voltron fics. My favorite part is the world-building it does. Everything about this fic is so dynamic and multi-dimensional, from it’s characters to the epic plot - this is the exact opposite of lazy writing. I am so here for badass Pidge, and the matriarchal Galra culture and the dragons. I👏LOVE👏THIS👏FIC👏

Also there’s magic! (with a scientific explanation, of course)

A cool song that I think goes nice with this fic is Heroes by Måns Zelmerlöw.

  The Kids Are Alright by pugglemuggle

Word count:  10,430 (3/3)

Summary:   Three Garrison Cadets Missing After Freak Satellite Crash

By Mara Garrett, News Editor | The Guardian | Monday, June 13, 2103 7:40 A.M. ET

Two seventeen-year-olds and a fifteen-year-old went missing Friday night after a rogue satellite crashed into the desert a few miles away from the Galaxy Garrison Training Facility, reports say. Garrison officials were quick to cordon off the area, claiming many of the remaining satellite fragments were dangerous and unstable. Government search parties have been sent out into the surrounding desert areas. Details are forthcoming.

—

Her brother is missing. Lance’s sister isn’t about to sit quietly while the Garrison keeps lying to the press. No—she’s going to get to the bottom of this.

(Or: The paladins’ families team up to find their kids and overthrow the corrupt Garrison regime. Told through news articles, prose, the internet, and art.)

Comments:  The format of this is very intriguing and fresh. We get to see scenes of our favorite paladins through the eyes of their friends and families, from before they disappeared and the aftermath. The open ending is still satisfying and leaves you with a sense of determination and hope for these characters that you just couldn’t help but get attached to. If you’re big on government conspiracies then this is the fic for you!

  **Patty Cake by Froldgapp

Word count:  7,829 (6/6)

Summary:  Quiet, aloof, and alone, Keith is distant from the rest of the team. Hunk begins to suspect why, and it’s only when the red paladin pushes himself too far, the Voltron gang realise he’s just as vulnerable as the rest of them.

Comments:  Aaaaahhh this fic. Something about this one has me coming back to reread it all the time even though I always cry. It is just so angsty but in a more poignant, sharp, breathless kind of way. Some of the things the characters say send painful stinging jolts into your chest and you can feel your heart cracking and then you get angry because how dare (I mean ch4 tho holy sh*t). I just want to hug Keith so much ugh. Hunk’s protectiveness of Keith gives me the strength to finish this masterpiece every time. Also, this can kind of be Sheith if you squint (or not, if you don’t).

  The Message by Shipstiel

Word count:  132,787 (45/45)

Summary:  (4:07) okay, but considr this, and hear me out here (4:08) so like, a photobooth u can do with ur pets like there’ll be lil costumes that u can dress them up in, and u can do liek, period costumes and shit with them (4:09) omg, can u imagine, u and ur cat/dog, and theyre in a lil 1800s dress and one of those lace umbrella things omg so cute

(4:15) Why the FUCK are you texting me at four in the morning with this

— 

Keith is texted by accident by some idiot one day, and honestly he’s not even sure why he responds. Or why he keeps responding. Yet somehow he finds himself drawn in, and okay, so maybe this fool is mildly entertaining after all. Who would’ve thought.

Comments:  Slowburn Klance Wrong Number AU. These two are so cute I just can’t. This is the perfect story if you are looking for something effortless and relaxing to read. Even though this contains some softcore Langst, it is still a very cute and heartwarming story about two dorks slowly falling in love. It features Lance’s mother who I fell in love with here, and the kind of supportive nosy best friends that everyone wants in real life (i.e. Hunk, Pidge, and Allura).

  **The Quiet by MilkTeaMiku

Word count:  66,700 (32/32)

Summary:  Does he not realize he’s dead?

Keith can see ghosts. As a part of his Garrison training, he’s sent to a hospital to do one year of medical clerkship - it’s there that he meets a charmingly irritating chose who definitely needs to learn what boundaries are.

Comments:  Modern Ghost AU with eventual Klance. This fic is the most suspenseful story I have ever read in my life. Idk if it’s just me, but I just have this feeling building up paragraph by paragraph of an impending… something. And it has my heart racing which is crazy because it isn’t even particularly fast-paced. There’s just a heaviness to the words that have the hairs on the back of your neck prickling. I literally have to take a breather from reading sometimes to calm down. 

A couple cool songs I think set the mood for this fic is Smother and Mirror.

  Finding Home by spacegaykogane

Word count:  26,966 (6/6)

Summary:  After the wormhole collapses, Keith finds himself stranded on a strange planet. Alone. Until Lance comes along. With their lions dead and resources limited, Keith and Lance need to put aside their differences and work together to get home. Wherever that may be, now.

Comments:  Klance. I love Stranded fics where they have to work together to survive and bond over that. So yeah this one has some whump obviously, bc you know, crash landings aren’t very fun. This one is angsty but its balanced out by the fluffiness in the end.

  Cuddle Puddle by nothingwrongwiththerain

Word count:  46,782 (6/6)

Summary:  Unexpectedly, Shiro’s hand landed on the top of his head. Apparently with Lance and Hunk taking up all the shoulder real estate, Shiro would settle for ruffling Keith’s hair.

Keith was fairly certain his soul was about to detach and abandon his shaking body on the couch. He was surrounded, in the complete and total sense of the word, by other people. Not once before, not in his whole life, had he dealt with a situation like this one.

Or, five times Keith found himself too close for comfort and one time he couldn't get close enough.

Comments:  Klance featuring ace!Keith. Don’t be fooled by the fluffy summary, this is a very angsty fic with lots of Keith whump. Basically, as stated by the author, this story is about ‘Keith struggling with physical contact and learning to accept people care about him’. I love touch-starved Keith stories, like this one. I love the scenes with Kidge bros, featuring a super supportive Pidge. 

  At the Beginning by Sakuraiai

Word count:  64,203 (12/12)

Summary:  Inspired by Anastasia

King Zarkon of the Galra empire lost his only way in to the Kingdom of Altea. In his anger, he put a curse on the royal family. The young, adopted half Galran prince Keith disappeared when the palace was overrun, never to be seen again -- or so it seemed. The only surviving princess, Allura, grieving for her child, offers a reward for Keith's safe return.

Con artists, Lance and his best friend, Hunk plan to pawn off a phony to the princess, hoping to reap the rewards. They hold auditions and choose an orphan man who has a remarkable resemblance to the missing prince -- all the way down to his fluffy Galran ears.

Comments:  Can anyone say Anastasia AU?! I waited with baited breath for each chapter to come out and I was not once disappointed. I love the integration of the different alien races in this timeless story, it all works out so well. Keith just wants to find his mommy and I just want to cry. Also Kidge bros are still my fav as always.

  out of orbit by rbillustration

Word count:  78,135 (19/19)

Summary:  Dragged apart by Haggar’s attack on the wormhole, the paladins and Alteans struggle to survive and find one another again. Luck has placed them all within the same galaxy… but their fortune ends there. Lance is stranded with a badly-injured Shiro and his relief at finding their leader still accompanying him soon turns to terror. Keith may be the only who can rectify the situation - but the Galra have him in their grasp, and they don’t want to kill him. They want him as one of their own.

Comments:  ANGST. SO MUCH ANGST. A brainwashed Galra!Keith plus a Possessed!Shiro. This is the perfect recipe for disaster if I ever saw one. If lots of blood bothers you proceed with caution. I love stranded fics.

A good song rec for this one is Darkside.

  VLD Rec Lists:  [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] Here’s a Fic Masterlist for my other fandoms.

[jubesy]

2017 Writing Round-Up

Total year-long word count:

368,981

only counting what’s posted on AO3

Word count by fandom: 

Yowamushi Pedal - 4232 Free! - 5126 Haikyuu!! - 10,750 Kuroko no Basuke - 18,953 Voltron - 71,180 (plus 64k waiting to post) Yuri!!! on Ice - 191,981

The math isn’t adding up...I think I messed up somewhere, lol. But you get the gist.

Fics completed:

65 (plus tumblr-only drabbles)

Works-in-progress

3 or 4...or 7...?

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you'd predicted?

I guess I felt like I hadn’t written very much. But looking at those numbers, I definitely contributed to my fandoms!

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?

Voltron, for sure. I was definitely avoiding it, since I’d seen/heard such negative things about the fandom. But I’ve met so many wonderful people who enjoy it (as well as other fandoms I’m in) so it was definitely worth it!

What's your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest?

Uninhibited (OtaYuri - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated T) It was so much fun to write and it felt complete when I finished. The scenes I had in mind worked out just as I imagined and that hardly ever happens, heh.

I also really liked Anastasis (EmiMike - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated T) because I love Hybrid Child and I will continue writing that AU for my favorite pairings until its creator comes after me, lol.

Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them?

I wrote in a lot of languages I don’t fully understand. Not full works, but parts of works were written in Italian, Czech, and Russian - like dialogue - and, if not for the wonderful friends I’ve met on tumblr, I think I would have butchered those beautiful languages.

Your best story of this year:

I think Swept Away (EmiMike - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated T) was probably my best because it had the most responses and reader interaction. I wrote it as I went (not much planning involved, lol) and the support for the pairing and au was just wonderful!

Your most popular story of this year:

Definitely Back to You (Klance - Voltron - Rated T) It might just be because Klance is very popular, but it also has the kudos and comment to go along with those hits, so I think it’s safe to say that it’s pretty popular (in comparison, of course)

Story of yours most under-appreciated by the universe, in your opinion:

Probably a tie between Red Koi (SouRin - Free! - Rated T) any of my non-Klance Voltron fics. That’s not to say that the vld fics don’t get love and appreciation (They do! And I’m so thankful for it!) but Klance is so popular, it sort of takes the attention away when people peruse my work.

As for Red Koi. Free! as a fandom was pretty dead at that time, so that’s probably part of it. I was so happy with how it turned out and it was my first time writing something based on an artist’s lovely creation. I was kind of bummed people didn’t really check it out. (But it’s all good) :)

Most fun story to write:

Either Return to the Space Mall (Klance - Voltron - Rated T) or Gym Dates (Shklance - Voltron - Rated T) Both were fun for different reasons. RttSM felt like I was writing an episode of the show, tbh. Not one they’d air (because there’s a pairing in it) but one that the writers might get a good laugh out of reading. Gym Dates is my ‘I don’t feel like doing work, so let me write for my fun au’ fic.

Story with the single sexiest moment:

Hmmm...that’s a tough one. I’d have to go with Oral Exam (EmiMike - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated M) It’s more implied, but sometimes that’s sexier. Maybe? Idk. But I liked it, hehe.

Most "Holy crap, that's wrong, even for you" story:

Okay, so...I went through a thing where I could write nsfw stuff. Like...I wanted to, but it wasn’t coming out right. I’ve been a real “T-Rated” writer for a lot of this year. So, I’d have to say my one and only nsfw voltron fic. Bath Bomb (Lance Solo - Voltron - Rated E) I just felt forced. The sfw parts are great (imo) and I love them. But the actual nsfw bit seems...lack-luster. You could tell I wasn’t comfortable or happy with it.

Story that shifted your own perceptions of the characters:

I’m going to go with Boundaries (KuroKen - Haikyuu!! - Rated M) because it was my first time really delving into sexuality for the two of them together.

Hardest story to write:

Definitely True Heroes (EmiMike - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated T) Not only was it a cover for someone who dropped out of the EmiMike Exchange, but, as much as I love Super Hero movies...I know nothing about writing them, lol. This was before I watched BNHA or Tiger & Bunny, so I was mostly going off of what I remembered from X-Men AU, haha. I did have a lot of help, though. Thank goodness!

Biggest disappointment:

More Of You (EmiMike - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated E) This was a continuation of Rhinestone Chucks - which I loved!! - but it just...I dunno. People wanted more and I wrote it, but I didn’t feel like it was my best work. This was the start of my inability to write nsfw this year, lol.

Biggest surprise:

I don’t think I planned on writing an Inch-High Samurai AU - Sanzun-bōshi: Shirogane Takashi (Shance - Voltron - Rated G) - but I’m so glad I did. It doesn’t have a lot of hits, but people seem to like it (and senpai noticed me, so...) Yeah. That one was really fun.

Most unintentionally telling story:

Boundaries (KuroKen - Haikyuu!! - Rated M)

Favorite opening line(s):

Opening and Closing lines are hard, okay? But I really liked the way I started Among the Stars (Klance - Voltron - Rated T) - even though I totally abandoned it to write my bb and I haven’t come back yet... oops. Anyway, here’s the line:

“I really don’t think this is a good idea, Your Highness,” Hunk said nervously, gaze darting from side to side before settling on his prince, who was tugging on the rope of knotted bedsheets tied to the heavy desk by his window.

“First of all,” he began, seeming suitably pleased with the makeshift rope’s strength, “It was my idea, so, of course it’s a good one. Secondly,” he lifted the pile of sheets and threw them out the window, watching as they unfurled, creating the perfect escape route. “You’ve known me for, like, my whole life, Hunk. Just call me Lance.”

Favorite closing line(s):

Gosh, these are even more difficult than Opening lines. Wow, um... How about the ending of Peaceful Negotiations (Klance line, but it’s really Shance/Sheith with future Shklance - Voltron - Rated T):

Seeming to mistake his distress for misunderstanding, Keith continued. “Lance, he’s not bigger th-”

But Lance just held a hand up, silencing him. Then he sunk down into the couch, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring up at the other man. “I fucking hate you.”

So much for peaceful negotiations.

Favorite 5 line(s) from anywhere:

Most of these will be Lance because I love writing him and I’ve written him most often, so...

From Return to the Space Mall (Klance - Voltron - Rated T):

Lance’s brows rose to his hairline. “Uh, if you’re asking why I saved us back there-”

“Why didn’t you correct him?” He frowned. “Now he thinks we’re…” Keith lowered his voice to a whisper, “Dating.”

“No.” Lance held a hand up, gesturing between them. “He thinks Lanzo McCool and Fangs are dating.”

Keith groaned. “Stop calling me that. And Lanzo McCool? Are you serious?”

From Back to You (Klance - Voltron - Rated T):

“...we were chasing Lotor through the wormhole he created while trying to keep it open with what turned out to be a wormhole of our own.”

“So, it’s like…wormception?” Lance offered and Pidge gave him a look.

“If that helps you…”

From Lotor Baby (Lancelot - Voltron - Rated T):

“You thought…”

“You were singing your list,” Lotor finished for him. “Odd, but, then again,” he smirked, “You’ve always been a little different.”

“Oh, Baby, no, I-” Lance cut himself off with a nervous little laugh. “Are you telling me you’ve never heard that song before?” he asked and Lotor – looking rather unimpressed – shook his head. “Eartha Kitt? Madonna?” he questioned and received the same response. “Sweet plantains…”

Lotor pursed his lips. “I’m beginning to think I’ve misinterpreted something,” he mused.

From Uninhibited (OtaYuri - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated T):

“Ah, Yuuri,” Victor began, wrapping an arm around his fiancé’s waist. “Remember when I dropped everything and flew out to see you?”

“Yes,” the other man said with a snort. “But at least Otabek gave Yurio a heads up, as opposed to waiting completely naked in the onsen.”

“Good times, good times,” the older man sighed happily.

“Ugh, will you two shut it!” Yuri stamped his foot, chipping the ice. “This isn’t about you.”

“That’s right,” Mila said and before Yuri could thank her, she continued. “This is about Otabek and this extreme gesture of love for our little Yura.”

“I hate this freaking family,” the blond muttered under his breath.

From Swept Away (EmiMike - Yuri!!! on Ice - Rated T)

“But I don’t want you to die,” he sobbed, his face twisted in agony.

“Emil,” he breathed, reaching up to brush some of his tears away. His gaze fell to Emil’s lips, a little chapped but looking just as soft as ever. Just once, he thought. There was no reason to feel embarrassed now. “I’m sorry,” he whispered and then kissed him softly.

He was surprised when Emil wrapped his arms tightly around him, pressing their lips together more firmly and pulling him close to his chest. The kiss tasted salty, but still oh so sweet. And when they broke apart, Michele’s chest felt lighter. He smiled up at Emil, who returned the sentiment, albeit sadly, and touched his forehead to Michele’s. “Don’t go,” Emil murmured against his lips.

“I-” but Michele gasped, a searing pain weaving its way up his legs. He gripped the front of Emil’s shirt to steady himself and whipped his head to the side.

The sun was setting.

Top 5 scenes from anywhere you would choose to have illustrated:

Literally any of them. I would just explode with joy, tbh. I’ve had a few beautiful works of art based on my fics and I’m still screaming internally about them.

Fic-writing goals for next year:

Write more and also less. Don’t stress about it and don’t crank things out like a machine. Also, write what you enjoy. This is for me and everyone reading~

[squirenonny]

Voltron Season 3

Spoilers and Speculation Below

Okay, first? Ahhhhhh! So many feels this season. Like. Everything with Keith. Everything. And Lance. And Allura. And Shiro. Fuck. And Coran? Watching Voltron disappear into the rift? I cry.

HUNK WAS SO GOOD???????? Hunk and Pidge nerding out together over tech??? Hunk being a diplomat through cooking??? Hunk not even trying to bond with Black because he wants to stay with Yellow??? My son! God, I love him so much. *screams*

Meanwhile Keith is so very much NOT a diplomat, which, fair. Is about 70% that he’s in so much pain over losing Shiro and feeling pressured to replace him. Him being genuinely distraught over Black choosing him just broke my heart. Urgh.

LANCE. Lance was so vital to like?? Everything??? That happened? It was subtle, but it was so well done. He was always, always the one to step up and be what his team needed him to be. Comforting Keith. Supporting him as leader right from the start. Addressing the elephant in the room re: six paladins/five lions (and no no no baby, you are not the one who should be stepping down, but I love that he’d do that because he knows that letting it become an issue could tear this team apart.) It’s even implied that he took time off screen to try to help Allura bond with Blue, even though I’m sure it must have stung.

Speaking of--

Owwwww It hurts so bad that Blue shut Lance out and he took it as him doing something wrong, and I really really hope that gets addressed in season 4 (which really does feel like season 3 part 2--I’m not upset over the split at all, but this drop feels SO much like it’s setting up a massive pile of shit to hit the fan in October. I’m scared in the best possible way.) Also I’m 100% convinced that Lance and Blue are soulmates, and they think and feel the same way. Blue didn’t reject Lance, she just knew that the team needed him in Red--Keith needed him in Red. It was reiterated several times this season that the red paladin is literally the black paladin’s right hand, and Keith needed someone like Lance to both support him and reign him in. Keith grew so much this season, both as a person and as a leader, and a lot of that comes down to Lance. So I feel like in shutting Lance out, Blue was doing what Lance tried to do when Shiro returned: stepping aside, even though it hurt, for the good of the team. I just really hope Lance and Blue can talk it out (as much as you can talk with a lion).

Pidge didn’t really have any episodes where she was the focus this season, but I still loved all of her bits. How desperately she’s searching for Matt, how eager she was to try bonding with Black, how she totally geeked out with Hunk (Hunk-Pidge science bros! Fuck yeah!) I’m hoping her search for Matt is a big focus in season 4, but you can’t deny there were bigger problems to tackle first.

(Side note: I’m also hoping for more of the Blade in season 4. My heart hurts for them in ep 1, with how no one trust them and all. I just. Let them win people over. Let people start to tell stories of the Blade of Marmora, who risk their lives to save people in need. I want them to be heroes!!!)

Moving on to Allura. (GOD, Allura.) I already loved her, but she had SUCH a good arc this season. Her desperation to be a paladin--to live up to Alfor’s legacy, to help her friends, to make sure no one else had to risk their lives--AHHH! I love her so much. And her reaction to Keith in season 2 is so much more painful now. It wasn’t explicitly addressed here, but everything about this season just very subtly redefined what we saw last season. In particular, that line from episode 7--how Alfor was so blinded by compassion for Zarkon that he didn’t realize Zarkon’s true intent. You can just feel those memories coloring Allura’s reaction to Keith. She’s so damn afraid to trust her emotions, because that’s exactly what tore the previous paladins apart.

Also, the whole history of the paladins thing just breaks my heart. Even if I have to laugh at the fandom being right--Zarkon/Haggar WAS the first canon ship! XD

(But, god, seeing them both so young. I can’t.)

I am a little curious to see if they go deeper into what exactly happened to Zarkon and Haggar in the rift. It seems like Haggar, at least, forgot basically everything until she delved into Zarkon’s memories at the very end of this season. She didn’t even seem to realize Zarkon was her husband?? Which is...a major chunk of her life. The cat was 28 decaphebes old when Alfor returned, and Zarkon’s marriage to Haggar was implied to happen fairly quickly--so even assuming a decaphebe is a year (which still seems too short for me, because Alfor seemed to have aged a lot in those 28 "years” for a species who canonically lives somewhere in the 600 year range.) Anyway, that’s a tangent. If Haggar forgot so much of her own life, how much did Zarkon forget? How much of anything they’ve done has been because of what happened in the rift? I’m just. It seems almost like Haggar and Emperor Zarkon are shells being controlled by those creatures that invaded the Galra homeworld through the rift. (And I can’t be the only one getting a Wolf 359 vibe, right?) So now I’m conflicted--did Zarkon ever REALLY betray the paladins? I don’t want a Zarkon/Haggar redemption arc, but if they’re being controlled, I can’t really make myself hate them...

*unexpected and unwanted feels for the villains* Damnit, Dreamworks, you’re preying on my weakness.

(Oh, also? It was the rift/the creature that turned Haggar’s and Zarkon’s eyes all glowy. Regular Galra have pupils and often irises. Which for me reinforces the fan theory that “Galra” is almost more of an infection than a species. Or maybe it’s more accurate to say that what we recognize as Galra--specifically the glowing eyes--are not a species trait, but an effect of whatever Zarkon and Haggar found in the rift. What if it’s spreading? It hasn’t just corrupted the head of the army, but virtually every soldier, at least partially. This season has raised a lot of questions about agency--both with these rift-spores and with the alternate reality Altean non-cogs. Which. Creepy. I’m halfway expecting this series to be building to a fight against the rift creatures for the fate of all sentient life in the universe--Galra included.)

Speaking of villains! Lotor and his generals! Holy shit. I love them. I don’t trust them half as far as I can throw them, but I love them! I was swearing up a storm the instant I realized they were going after Altean tech, specifically things related to the teludav. And while I agree that they seem to be trying to reopen the rift, I can’t help thinking there’s a lot more to it than that. Lotor has given no indication so far of what, exactly, his ultimate goals are--I kinda get the impression that he says what he needs to say to sway his audience. “I’ll make my father’s empire even stronger!” “You and your people can join us, and you never have to be afraid again!” He’s been toying with the paladins all season, even though he had chances to obliterate them. I just don’t buy the theory that he wants to open the rift to get Quintessence purely for the sake of having ultimate power. And, I mean. If he WAS doing that, he could have just requisitioned the teludav piece from the Galra base. He’s NOT working with the rest of the Empire. In fact, he’s doing everything in his power to keep his activities secret from Haggar and the rest of his father’s commanders. Why?? Lotor, give me answers! I need to know what you’re after. Rewriting this universe so mixed-race Galra aren’t regarded as sub-human (sub-Galran?) maybe? Hell, everything so far points to him being Haggar and Zarkon’s child (they were married, he’s gathering Altean tech, presumably because he has enough Altean blood to use it, he looks vaguely Altean and he was half Altean in GoLion.) So what if Lotor has realized his parents are being controlled by the rift-spore things? What if he’s trying to open the rift to find and destroy the... for lack of a better term... hive-mind? He seems to be trying to create his own version of Voltron, because he knows Voltron is the only thing that can stand up to the spores. That’s why he doesn’t care about destroying the paladins--in fact, he tells his generals not to inflict permanent damage. He’s keeping Voltron as a backup plan. He might have to resort to a truce. Can you imagine Lotor’s team and the paladins joining forces to attack the rift, knowing all the while that if they both make it out, they’ll probably turn on each other?? Fuck! There are so many possibilities here I can’t stop thinking about them.

And finally

Shiro

asdfj;lav’

You know what? Nope

Nope, I have too much to say about Shiro. My heart hurts for him and I’m terrified about what season 4 is going to bring, but that speculation is going in its own post.

I’ll add the link here when I get it up.

Edit: Here it is! My theory on Operation Kuron.

[fae-fucker]

Crown of Midnight: Chapter 3-4

Chapter 3

Nothing fucking happens. Sardines has a nightmare about Cain and later she and Nehemia talk about the rebellion and the king’s plans without really saying anything, and my hatred for that fucking dog just keeps growing. Observe.

Fleetfoot took off through the pale grass like a bolt of golden lightning 

[...]

Dorian had never said what breed, exactly, he suspected her mother had mated with. Given Fleetfoot’s size, it could have been a wolfhound. Or an actual wolf.

Are you telling me this fucking dog is a fucking golden wolf?

I will eat this spaghetti-lookin’ bitch.

Nehemia’s creamy brown face paled slightly.

Why does the word “creamy” upset me so much in this?

Nehemia wants Sardines to try to figure out what the king is planning, but Sardines is like “nah”. 

She wasn’t even sure if she truly wanted to know what the king was up to—let alone share that information with anyone else. It was selfish, and stupid, perhaps, but she couldn’t forget the warning the king had given the day he crowned her Champion: if she stepped out of line, if she betrayed him, he’d kill Chaol. And then Nehemia, and then the princess’s family. 

But then, literally the next sentence:

And all of this—every death she faked, every lie she told—put them at risk.

Sardines: Hmm. Finding out the king’s sinister plans and telling my allies about them is a bad idea -- even though said allies desperately need that information -- because that might put them at risk, but saving various noblemen for no reason and put my unknowing allies in danger just so I can keep the moral high ground makes total and absolute sense!

What a master schemer this idiot is, huh? 

WHAT A KWEEN. 

People say they love Sardines but hate Alien and I frankly don’t get it. Sardines has always been a dumb, selfish twat, that will clearly never change. 

Celaena swallowed hard. That word—“act”—scared her more than she’d like to admit.

Good self-burn there, buddy.

Chapter 4

Salad (which is my new nickname for Chaol) and Sardines are having a jog.

They’d bundled up as best they could without weighing themselves down—mostly just layers of shirts and gloves— but even with sweat running down his body, Chaol was freezing.

Layers of gloves? What the fuck?

Noticing his stare, she flashed him a grin, those stunning turquoise eyes full of light.

Eat my entire ass, Sarah.

Salad angst about how he killed Cain. He’s very sad about it. This is what you get for hiring an inexperienced twenty-something to be the captain of the guard. But if we don’t make him young it’ll be icky for Sardines to fuck him, and if we don’t make him captain then he’s just NOT GOOD ENOUGH for Sardines, ain’t that right, Sarah?

I’d say you’re being transparent but you’re already pretty white. 

He was the Captain of the Guard—he was bound to have killed someone at some point. He’d already seen and done enough in the name of the king; he’d fought men, hurt them.

SJM: Hey guys I’m clearly aware that this is dumb but if I acknowledge it’s dumb you’ll accept it, right?

No.

Salad asks Sardines if she ever thinks about the people she’s killed, and since she’s the most ruthless and epic and badass assassin the world has ever known, ever, she angsts on about how she never forgets anyone she kills. 

I don’t give a single shit.

Salad angst about how he desperately wants to nestle his dick between Sardines’ pearly white and hairless asscheeks, but can’t because uuuuhhh angst angst loyalty to the king and also Dorian wants to do her and he doesn’t want to betray his friend.

Whatever. I don’t give a damn. Unlike many other antis, I don’t consider Chaol to be a good character and I couldn’t give less of a shit about his problems. 

Listen. You guys only think he’s good because everyone else is pretty much terrible. You cling to him because his mediocrity looks impressive when compared to the literal ass-garbage that is the rest of the lineup. 

We jump POV back to Sardines. 

And what’s this? GIRL HATE? FOR ME?! IN CHAPTER FOUR?! 

Christmas Yulemas has come early this year.

Since Salad is all sweaty from their jog and his shirt clings to his HOT MUSCLED MALE MANLY MASCULINE VIRILE MAN-BOD, there are DUMB VAPID BITCHES there to check him out.

Celaena could have sworn their eyes had bulged out of their heads and their tongues had rolled onto the ground. 

Then the next morning, they’d appeared along the path again—wearing even nicer dresses. The day after that, more girls showed up. And then several more. And now every direct route from the game park to the castle had at least one set of young women patrolling, waiting for him to walk by. 

“Oh, please,” Celaena hissed as they passed two women, who looked up from their fur muffs to bat their eyelashes at him. They must have awoken before dawn to be dressed so finely.

You see, when Sardines ogles Salad or Doriass, that’s okay because uuuuuuuuh Sarah loves her little baby girl and she can’t do no wrong and also she feels TRU WUV (even though her TRU WUV is made irrelevant with the arrival of Ratty to the point where every other love was just useless before that I guess) when she checks those boys out.

THESE GIRLS DRESS NICELY!! TO IMPRESS MEN!! WHILE ALSO CHECKING THEM OUT!! 

THEY’RE VAPID DUMB BITCHES!! EVEN THOUGH THE ONLY WAY FOR WOMEN TO GET POWER IN THIS SOCIETY IS THROUGH MEN!! LOOK AT THEM AND LAUGH!! SO PATHETIC!! 

Cool cool. 

God, I hate this series so much. 

Salad offers Sardines to help her with her Archer-related business and she turns him down. 

Hey Salad, aren’t you, like, I dunno, the captain of the guard? Don’t you have STUFF TO DO?! 

Sorry, I forgot that this world and its characters all revolve around Sardines and her problems. How silly of me.

They come across Doriass who is walking around with his cousin Roland, who I’m sure is totally chill. 

His voice was pleasant enough, but something in it made her pause. It wasn’t amusement or arrogance or anger … She couldn’t put her finger on it.

[...]

Just the way he spoke told her enough about his history with women.

[...]

As she let Chaol lead her inside the castle, she realized she was in desperate need of a bath. But it had nothing to do with her sweaty clothes, and everything to do with the oily grin and roaming eyes of Roland Havilliard.

Yeah, I’m sure this guy is totally cool!

We all know that SJM can clearly write very nuanced characters and that this incredibly obvious and cliché character introduction is just here to mislead us and make us think that Roland is a gross douchebag only so Kween Sarah can prove us wrong and develop his character into someone truly heroic! 

Anyway, turns out that Roland is the “lord” of some place called Meah, which doesn’t tell me anything, but whatever. He’s been offered a position on the king’s council, which is suspicious, apparently, because Roland is more interested in getting his dick wet rather than politicking. This is framed as disgusting, even though that’s pretty much exactly what Doriass is. It’s not the first nor the last time SJM makes hypocritical exceptions for her faves.

Doriass introduces Sardines as Lillian. 

They still used her alias whenever she couldn’t avoid running into members of the court, though most everyone knew to some degree that she was not in the palace for administrative nonsense or politics.

So the official story is that a petty jewelry thief became the king’s champion, then?

Holy shit, this world is filled with morons. 

I also love how “administrative nonsense” and “politics” are looked down upon, but when Sardines does her BRILLIANT MIND GAMES, it’s not politics, it’s uuuuh ... Fuck man, I can’t even begin to imagine how SJM’s mind works.

Roland hits on Sardines, and her two daddies really don’t like that.

Chaol smiled—if you could call it that. It was more a flash of teeth.

Have you considered that I don’t care and that this clarification doesn’t matter?

She wouldn’t mind working with him—but not in the way Roland meant. Her way would include a dagger, a shovel, and an unmarked grave.

Actually, her way would include a corpse, a staged murder scene, and the hope that he stays hidden and nobody recognizes him for who he is. 

Eat my entire ass, Sarah.

We switch to Doriass’ POV.

Chaol positively hated Roland, and whenever he came up in conversation, it was usually accompanied by phrases like “conniving wretch” and “sniveling, spoiled ass.”

So Sardines and Doriass, respectively, though “conniving” might be overstating it.

Roland was a pain in the ass, and too aware of the effect his looks and his Havilliard name had on women, but he was harmless. Wasn’t he? 

Dorian didn’t know the answer—and he wasn’t sure if he wanted to.

SJM: Subtlety? I don’t know her.

We switch back to Sardines’ POV.

Her salary as King’s Champion was considerable, and Celaena spent every last copper of it. Shoes, hats, tunics, dresses, jewelry, weapons, baubles for her hair, and books. Books and books and books.

Books? She likes reading? How relatable? You like reading too, don’t you, young female reader who is the target demographic for this book? Don’t you feel connected to Sardines on a deep, meaningful level? 

You see, when other women dress nice, they’re whores and idiots and brainless. When Sardines does it, she’s just embracing her femininity! 

Ain’t that right, White Feminism?

Whatever. Doriass is there in her room/s when she returns, which she doesn’t approve of.

“Aren’t friends allowed to visit each other more than once a day?” 

She stared down at him. Being friends with Dorian wasn’t something she was certain she could actually do.

Seems like SJM has been taking writing lessons from Cakeass. 

Didn’t you spend an entire book angsting about how you couldn’t be friends with Doriass and then deciding that you would rather stay friends than be lovers? And now you’re back on square one? Are we really doing this again?

I’m so tired.

“And you have so much time on your hands these days that you can spend hours with me again?” 

“Well, I have my usual flock of ladies to attend to, but I can always make time for you.”

Dorian is written as a player, but whenever we see him interact with women who are not Sardines, he’s shitty and hateful towards them. But it’s okay though, right? Because those dumb sluts are worthless and stupid, not amazing and brilliant like Sardines! It’s okay that Dorian clearly doesn’t respect any other woman aside from Sardines (and presumably Nehemia, since SJM has bestowed her godly blessing upon her for now), because those other women are simply not worthy of any respect! 

And obviously, even though Dorian clearly wants Sardines but plays around with other women, that’s totally fine! Women checking out men though? That’s disgusting.

SARAH J MAAS IS A FEMANAST KWAAAN!

Doriass makes it clear he still wants to tap that, but Sardines tells him to fuck off.

Alone in the foyer, Celaena clenched and unclenched her fists, suddenly disgusted with all of the pretty packages on the table.

Eat my entire ass.

[pigeonacademic]

pipermccloud So far, i've made other alien species for the gems to interact with; some they've fought, some they're neutral with, others they've aided (or been aided by) and some they've opened trade with

thegemnants that's cool! i think it's really neat for the gems to actually be involved in intergalatic affairs with other species. considering how much of the universe they must've combed through, it would make sense for them to have at least met ONE species as powerful as them.

pipermccloud Yep! Could also be a reason why they need a lot of planets and why they had to quickly churn out half-baked gems for the war

pipermccloud Because resources were low by fighting an even bigger war

thegemnants in my fic, red diamond once commit genocide against an entire species which the gems were allied with, and because of that, the gems were ex communicated from the Union... which is one of the reasons why red diamond is so awful and yeah, if there were other aliens, it would make sense why the gems need more resources

pipermccloud The Union? I haven't heard much of REd Diamond Are you going to make a post on it? I need to go downstairs to check on my sisters real quick

thegemnants The Union is just a generic term I'm using to refer to the alignment between the other aliens :P and i do think you've seen red diamond, i'm probably going to draw some more intimidating pix of her

pipermccloud ! ^-^ I've seen her before, and she does look like she'll crush you if you so much aas look at her funny

thegemnants yep! because she did that horrible atrocity to the alien species, gemkinds reputation tarnished. but it doesn't end there, because red diamond was also exiled from the gempire as a whole. not just because she commit that genocide, but because of how she did it-- forcing fusion with the other 4 Diamonds.

pipermccloud BIG YIPES

thegemnants So, Red Diamond was cast out, and took her Court with her, vanishing to create her own empire. And she was gone for millions of years before returning, stronger than ever. There's more to it than that, but yeeeeah, that's red diamond's story :'D

pipermccloud DAMN SHE'S HORRIFYING Suggested nickname for her: The Red Death

thegemnants absolutely! :D Sometimes I wanna call her Blood Diamond, which is an actual term! but, you knooooow gems dont have blood :'D

pipermccloud Pfffft! True So, how is her empire like? I bet she was real rough on them now that she was on her ow n

thegemnants it's a dystopian hellscape where gems are shattered for showing the slightest bit of disrespect or noncomfority. yellow wishes she had the heart to be this intense. the only gems free from red diamond's wrath are her pearl and her zirconia, because they've been so brainwashed that they would never even THINK of doing something that would upset their diamond.

pipermccloud sent a GIF

holy cow- So, she's a dictator basically, a warmonger?

thegemnants HellllLLLL YEAH!

thegemnants and the thing is, she and her court live entirely on ships she leaves nothing left of the planets she harvests Gems from

pipermccloud OOH o-o She makes them go ka-boom. Out of not wanting to leave a trace, leave any resources for the others or just because of sadism?

thegemnants mostly just wanting to be undetectable now, what if i told you, that in my fic, there's someone worse than red diamond :'D

pipermccloud Okay, how can anyone other than Space Satan herself be more terrifying- I'm curious how o_o

thegemnants So, you may be wondering this, not just in fic sense but just in SU canon general.

thegemnants Where did the Diamonds come from? Well, a long time ago, a burst of magic born of the gap between universe brought life to a planet of carbon. Not of carbon-based minerals or carbon-based organisms, but purely of the element Carbon. "I want friends, I want friends," she cried, this living Carbon.

pipermccloud O-O

thegemnants So, from her body, she created 5 children: the Diamonds. Red, Pink, Blue, Yellow, and White. "But it's not enough" So, after a while, Carbon sent her children out to make "more friends" Thus, the first Gem Colony was created "But it's not enough, it will never be enough"

thegemnants So, the Diamonds continued to spread out, taking planet after planet, creating Gem after Gem

pipermccloud O_O

thegemnants However, after a supernova, the Diamonds were seperated from Carbon. Even though she no longer had her grasp on them, the Diamonds were still terrified of what would happen if they didn't please her. So they kept grabbing planets and making Gems.

pipermccloud holy cow

thegemnants But then, guess what? When Red Diamond was banished, she went to the other side of the universe

pipermccloud what

thegemnants AND GUESS WHO SHE FOUND AND BROUGHT BACK TO HOMEWORLD

pipermccloud CARBON

thegemnants AND GUESS WHAT CARBON DID WHEN SHE GOT TO HOMEWORLD TO PUNISH THE CHILDREN WHO WERE SO CRUEL TO HER SISTER AND SO RUDE TO HAVE NEVER LOOKED FOR HER

thegemnants SHE TOOK A BIG BITE OUT OF IT AND ABSORBED BILLIONS OF GEMS INTO HER BODY and when i say absorbed, i mean they are digesting forever inside of her while being completely concious and part of a hivemind so yeah, carbon is the "final boss" of the fic

pipermccloud I cannot find a gif for the life of me to express how horrific that is So, Cluster but over 90000 holy shit

thegemnants Yep! And that's the entire reason why Yellow wants the Cluster. What better to take out a planet-sized monster than a planet-sized monster?

thegemnants It probably would've only served as a distraction, though.

pipermccloud How many gems know of Carbon's existence? For the newer ones, is she regarded as a myth?

pipermccloud Also, what does Carbon look like?

thegemnants oooh, carbon being a scary myth that agates used to scare new recruits is actually a really good idea!

pipermccloud :D

thegemnants originally i was gonna go with a 'just diamonds know', but very, VERY old gems probably know, too and carbon is like a giant, black planet, slightly larger than earth, with a face a fucked-up nightmare face and she reflects no light have you heard of hellstar remina? that's what i'm envisioning carbon to look like, but all dark and stuff

pipermccloud I haven't actually, but holy-cow, imagine her eclipsing Homeworld..a dark shadow falls across the gempire, and wait-does it have TEETH AND EYES-

heres a picture of remina from hellstar remina basically something like this mixed with the face of an elderly woman

pipermccloud !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pipermccloud sent a GIF

You got an eye for nightmare fuel

thegemnants awww thank you ;w;

pipermccloud She's VERY terrifying, both in personality AND appearance Red Diamond is practically Mother Thersa compared to her, isn't she?

thegemnants pretty much! :'D even red is terrified of her at first red wanted to pull a "mommy, my siblings were mean to me! aren't you going to punish them?" but when carbon took that nice, juicy bite out of homeworld she immediately went to "WTF MOM THIS ISNT WHAT I MEANT!"

pipermccloud Classic mom, always misunderstanding and doing things her own way-

pipermccloud Is it likely she'll take a bite out of her own kids too?

thegemnants they'd have to do something reeeeeally bad for that to happen, so while possible, not likely not that it's much of a solace, considering she'll still breath down your neck and cause constant anxiety with her moon-sized eyes staring down at you

pipermccloud eugg I feel so sorry for all the Diamonds even Red And this also just gave me an idea for art! How many Diamonds did Carbon have again-

thegemnants 5, but she could probably make more if she wanted. she just chooses not to :D

pipermccloud "Okay, five's enough for me, this bunch is getting out of hand."

thegemnants not to mention, since she literally turns parts of her body into the diamonds, it would probably hurt a lot huhuhu

pipermccloud Ooh, planet-version of labor pain I'm going out on a limb here and guessing she likes Red better than the others? thegemnants Well, in her eyes, Red DID come and find her, even if it wasn't actually intended. So, she probably liked Red the best. Speaking of RD's dystopian style gempire, how much does it differ from Homeworld?

thegemnants i guess it's just really... tight. homeworld as we see it in the show seems pretty bland and generic as far as alien empires go, but in my fic, i want it to be like a mirror of earth where some things are similar but the things that are different are so vastly different that its hard to wrap your head around it. (not saying that my version is better, im just not a fan of the way this show is handling its mythology)

thegemnants Whereas Red Diamond is just a complete warrior culture where none of the members have any free time at all (except for RD's Pearl and Zirconia)They're always training, training, training, working, working, working. Ship builders and engineers and mechanics have to be constantly on their toes, since the Court lives solely on ships Soldiers have to be constantly sparring one another until exhaustion cycles into movation Sapphires have to novelize any and all visions Mages have to work on spells, Tourmalines have to work on maps, Agates have to constantly supervise, etc etc etc There is literally no room for anything else

Architect wise, how do the ships look inside and out?

thegemnants big enough to be cities, but inside, it's mostly just angular and grey monotonousness. but the gems in RD's court are just so used to it that they can tell the slightest differences in these highly-similar locations to find their way around and yes, shattering always is a fear sans those higher-up, who are the only ones allowed to show any sign of slack Do they have a uniform or is it a variety, as long as it allows them to function?

thegemnants it's all uniform per gem race, although, i suppose somewhat thankfully, red diamond does like to get fancy with it thegemnants I feel like she'd prefer to stay sedentary unless she has a reason to move. Although I also think she has a room where she goes when she's upset where she just fucking beats up statues to get her stress out.  @ufolotus

[gyromitra-esculenta]

Crackverse 9: Old Soldiers

For dear waifu @drift-ed that bugged me about crack enough. The ugly-ass sweaters are mentioned only in passing, Jack and Sombra bond over, and there is a mention of Smurf tits and weaponized tennis tables. Masterlist:  Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5Part 6 Part 7 Xmas New Year Part 8 Soulmate AU

It was all peachy and dandy until the goon decided to pull a gun on Jack. Jack didn’t like having guns pointed at him.

“Grumps, uh…” Sombra switched to a private-private channel. “Shouldn’t we, like, call an ambulance, or something?”

“Anonymous tip-off. Done five minutes ago.”

“But… he just went up to him five minutes ago?”

“Yes.”

“Madre de Dios, does that happen that often!?”

“Have I ever told you about the Paris Table Incident? That one got recorded.”

“You’re an evil, evil man. I know I shouldn’t, I will regret it, but I’m going to look that up right now.”

*

“It was like watching a beautiful hyper-train wreck. I knew I shouldn’t, but I couldn’t take my eyes off. It wasn’t a publicity stunt?”

“No.”

“That was real?”

“We tried to pull it off the web.”

“Whoever titled it ‘Five easy steps to disable bastion unit with a tennis table’ was a goddamn marketing genius.”

“Yep.”

“Why the tennis table though?”

“It was on hand.”

“And, grumps, you willingly share the bed with that thing? Respeto.”

“As long as I don’t cheat on him.”

“Good abuelo doesn’t know about your boyfriends then.”

“…shit.” To be perfectly frank, Gabriel admitted, he had forgotten that little detail himself.

“Are you both done fucking around? I’m fucking boiling,” pinged at the other private channel.

*

Keeping Hakim occupied enough to not notice a human bulldozer going through his ‘security’ wasn’t that hard. Keeping himself from snorting out loud when Sombra sent him a picture of an almost literal pile of bodies of said ‘security’ was a challenge.

“Well…” And that poor bastard who just lost half of his teeth on the other side of the wall. “Keep at it. Once you set a trap you never know what will fall into it.”

“Hilarious,” Jack grumbled on the line. “Your plans fucking suck. Where the fuck are you?”

“Of which we have a perfect example just now,” Gabriel rolled his eyes behind his mask and when Sombra finally let the feed go through he ghosted away to the sound of Hakim’s indignant squawk at the sight of his ‘security’ properly disposed of. Or virtually annihilated. It was time to start the show. “Right here, Jack.”

The following scream of pain was indisputably deserving of an Oscar, Gabriel thought.

*

Winston harrumphed lightly at the sight of D.Va and Tracer dancing to the song Lucio was in the act of composing at the moment. Was that Beethoven he heard in the background?

“Winston, luv, watcha want?” Lena giggled at him, waving her hands erratically in the air.

“Oh, yes, did Soldier tell you anything about, hm, a trip to Egypt?”

“Sure, luv, he’s getting his mum.”

Winston’s left eyelid twitched nervously when he thought about exactly what potential female specimen could have spawned the man in question. Sure, he was capable and useful, certainly resourceful and knowledgeable about combat operations, but the temper. God, the temper and the mouth on him…

“His mother?”

“To be exact,” Lucio nodded, “he was more like ‘mommy won’t be hiding for much longer now’.”

“Our own grandma, imagine that!” Hana high-fived Tracer.

“Holy shit,” Jesse let the camera fall to the couch beside him, eyes wide, meeting the questioning gaze of the other three people and one genetically modified gorilla in the room. “I just, uh, remembered, I was supposed to buy Genji the return ticket. Be right back!”

*

“You motherfucking arsehole! You fucking shot me!”

“Jackie, baby, we agreed on that,” Gabriel had a creeping feeling of suspicion tugging at the back of his mind that maybe, maybe, he, unbeknownst to himself, did manage to botch something up.

“We fucking agreed on the fucking lower back!”

“That’s not much of a difference, baby?”

“Gabriel,” it was the full name now and the warning edge he hadn’t heard since forever in Jack’s voice. He… was definitely in serious trouble here. “I’m not fucking wearing fucking armor on my ass!”

Shit. There it was.

“Jackie…”

“Well, you should, anciano,” Sombra yet again invaded the ‘private’ channel, she was worse than Pharaoh’s ants. “To protect your assets.”

The deafening silence on the other side of the comm could have only meant one of the two outcomes possible – and neither of them was any good, honestly. Gabriel readied for screams, or to duck behind a cover under a barrage of pulse fire because, if the universe worked properly – and it usually did regarding its capability to screw him over – Jack was somewhere with a good vantage point. And just behind Gabriel’s position.

“You know, that was actually pretty good, chica,” Jack chuckled.

“I know, I was sitting on it for days, abuelo.”

Well, Gabriel certainly had not expected that, and neither had he expected the silent dread welling up in his gut at the sudden realization that if they teamed up… No, he was better off not even trying to think about it.

*

“Genji, code red, y’all not going to fucking believe it!” Jesse almost screamed into the phone while pacing on the roof of the watchpoint.

“I’m not believing it already because I’m looking right now at a pair of Smurf tits.”

Jesse stopped and reconsidered.

“What?”

“Smurf tits.”

“…why?” This was a question Jesse was almost afraid to ask.

“Check your mail, I forwarded it.”

“…dude, answer me first, are these Smurf tits of the Papa Smurf banging Smurfette variety, or just regular Smurf tits variety?” Jesse formulated his words with some modicum of care while propping the phone on his arm and navigating the datapad’s menu awkwardly.

“Regular Smurf tits variety,” Genji confirmed with the accompaniment of a baby crying in the background.

“Huh. I got two.” Few fast swipes and Jesse had to sit down. “Okay, one, what’s with the ankle biter? Two, did she really write out the accent? Three, why did she mailbomb our server?”

“One, I’m flying coach, because someone forgot to buy me a ticket. Two, yes. Three, heck if I know.”

“Dude, I’m sorry, my condolences. I’m coming to pick ya up.”

*

Kicking in doors was never regarded as a subtle method of an entrance to a safehouse, but, considering, Gabriel had nothing in particular against it at that very moment, not when the whole 'lower back' dispute just blew over miraculously. The privacy thing notwithstanding, he should thank Sombra for her horrific puns she and Jack seemed to bond over - even if the very idea of that happening made his skin crawl uncomfortably. Maybe another of those atrocious sweaters would do, and getting Jack out of one shouldn't be a problem at all.

“I'm taking it out of your fucking ass,” the man in question mumbled in between the kisses and generous groping.

“Of course, Jackie,” Gabriel went for another kiss when a strange whistling sound caught his attention, along with a pinprick in his neck. He swatted at it dislodging something metallic.

“Haven't I told you, boys, not to ever try to trick the trickster?”

Jack's eyes rolled back and he went down like a literal sack of bricks.

“...fuck,” Gabriel managed to mutter before he joined him on the floor.

*

Gabriel had to honestly admit he felt properly and thoroughly chastised for being an unreasonable melodramatic moron with no imagination whatsoever, and he couldn’t fault Ana for quietly announcing the whole list of reasons why she was so, so disappointed with both of them. The mention of her having to remove the buckshot by hand had him wincing, really.

But now, they sat with the tea slowly getting cold, mesmerized by the spectacle taking place on the opposite side of the table.

Said spectacle laid sprawled on the couch and giggled menacingly while slapping his own face. Gabriel was thankful for the nanite metabolism that got rid of the cocktail fast and painless.

“Remind me that if there ever is a choice between sedating him, and shooting this stupid head of his off, there is no choice.” Ana shuddered.

“Yeah. This is easily the second scariest thing I’ve seen in my life,” Gabriel agreed. Jack mumbled something while almost putting two fingers in his eye and drifted away into the realm of sleep, again.

“I’m afraid to ask what was actually the scariest one,” Ana took a sip.

“I…” Gabriel faltered, returning for a second to the gut-wrenching horror when… No, it was better to leave it in the past. “I’d rather not say,” he added sourly.

“I see,” Ana patted his arm calmly, sighing. “At least now you are both all right. More or less.”

“So, how did you figure it out?”

“Gabe,” she rolled her eye, “you’re both bad enough on your own, but together, you are two biggest dramatic fucks I’ve ever known in my life. ‘I know your every move before you even think it’? I might even feel a little bit insulted.”

“Fair point.” Gabriel almost dropped the cup when Jack chose this exact moment to jerk awake, laugh manically, and then roll off the couch and land with a loud thud on the floor. One pale hand slowly rose in the air.

“Papi…!” Jack whined from under the table.

*

“…and conzidering ze dating-zess-pool of Talon has ze collaborative iq of pond zcum…” Lucio suspended his dramatic reading of Widowmaker’s e-mail to wave at Jesse and Genji. “…I turn to you in ze hope of alleviating zis issue…”

“What the fuck y’all doing?”

“Cowboy, good you’re here,” Hana zeroed on Jesse, her smile putting most of the known species of shark to shame. “We’ve reached a group decision you are going to take one for the team. If she gets laid, maybe she’s going to be less of a bitch to deal with!”

“Are y’all fucking daft!? Genji?”

“Oh. No, you’re on your own, McCree,” the cyborg took a step back. “After all, you forgot to buy me the return ticket.”

“You’re going bowling Saturday night, luv, the lane’s booked!” Tracer gleefully declared while handing him reservation details.

[cupcakeshakesnake]

Watching SU for the first time: Season 4 ep 11~15 (part 2)

This post reacts to Season 4 episodes 113~15 (Gem Heist/The Zoo/That Will Be All).

I feel like my brain’s got a blue screen of death... jfc

Gem Heist

-*’I have a bad feeling about this’ intensifies*

-THERE’S A FUCKIGN RED EYE

-WTF?? AMETHYSTS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THAT BIG??

-NO WONDER JASPER CALLED AMETHYST A RUNT, BUT SERIOUSL, I LIKE SHORT AMETHYST BETTER, THIS IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE

-How the hell are they not able to see through the window from outside

-WHY DOES THE AMETHYST SOUND LIKE JASPER

-who the fuck is that cat ear haired dudette and why won’t she stop punching people

-This is so uncomfortable

-Sapphires must be pretty high-ranking in Homeworld society

-I never liked the homeworld society and I don’t like it now. Fucking hierarchy and bullshit.

-Are those jail cells

-i still haven’t gotten over that hair

-Please hold it together Ruby

-That does bring up the question, do gems speak English or is there some TARDIS translation circuit shit going on in there, like the CG’s can communicate with humans because they’ve been on Earth and there linguistics immediately adapted to their environment, but the gems in the zoo have never been exposed to Earth surroundings and therefore cannot understand the language of a native?

-I only just realized the zoo ship looks like those diamonds people put on rings.

-Oh and hold it together Amethyst...

-FUCKING RUBY

-HOLD IT TOGETHER RUBY

-Maybe it only opens for diamonds?

-I W A S R E A L L Y E N J O Y I N G T H E T O U R

-The gem at the back of Holly’s head makes her look like she has a permanent drop of cartoon sweat

-”NO RUNNING IN MY LOBBY”

-*shouts “WE DO NOT RUN OR SHOUT IN THESE HALLWAYS”* sounds legit.

-”Assimilation bay”? Assimilation:  the act or process of assimilating, or of absorbing information,experiences, etc. Assimilate:  to take in and incorporate as one's own; absorb ...Uh oh.

-HEY PERIDOT I FOUND YOUR FINGERS

-Reminds me of that one time I took an MRI scan. It was really loud and sounded uncannily like hardstyle music. Scanning with sick beats.

-STEVEN DON’T GIVE IN TO THE HUMILIATION

-But seriously what’s with the undressing that’s disturbing

-and there’s a giant eye watching

-Me too Steven, me too. Loincloths are one of the worst human inventions to ever exist. And now you look like some farmboy from medieval Japan.

-HE’S NOT OLD ENOUGH FOR FUCKING EAR TAGS

-Welcome to space Hawaii.

-”Your weird appearance, your strange jewels... I know what you are. YOU’RE HIPPIES!"

-the fuck

-did that episode seriously just cut off there

-I will now put my voice, specifically trained in the ways of the Whovians to scream the name of Moffat, to an unconventional use, to scream...

-REBECCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!1!!!!11!!

-*insert JonTron saying “What, What the fuck”*

The Zoo

-SKIP THE THEME SONG

-’TIS A PRETENTIOUS FACADE OF RAINBOWS AND FLOWERS PLANTED TO DISGUISE THE INFERNO THAT IS CURRENTLY TAKING PLACE

-Space Hawaii... with Minecraft grass.

-”Gareg”

-That name sounds kinda Star Wars-y

-And now I have conflicting feelings about the zoos we have on Earth, I mean, is that what animals think of zoos, but only way worse? No grass, no trees, just concrete and spectators? (I mean, some zoos are really nicely set up but others are not so good.)

-Annnnd introducing people from all over the world. KIDNAPPED humans.

-Now imagine Steven freeing all those humans and bringing them to Earth and Peedee just waking up and going to work one morning to find 20+ people in loincloths chanting “The buts, the bits”

-What the fuck, glowing earpieces

-For a moment I thought it was gonna say some 1984 shit “WAR IS PEACE. FREEDOM IS SLAVERY. IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH.”

-Well that still sounds like brainwashing to me

-MINECRAFT FRUIT

-MINECRAFT QUILT GRASS

-Reminds of the scene in Kungfu Panda 3 where all the pandas roll downhill.

-HOW THE FUCK IS THAT VOICE WATCHING

-SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING THEY’RE DOING

-I BET IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THAT SPACE EYE

-IT REMINDS ME OF THE CYBERMEN EARPODS FROM DOCTOR WHO SERIES 2

-*WHAT THE FUCK INTENSIFIES*

-”What if I don’t want to smell the flowers?” Then you will be EXTERMINATED.

-But seriously, this is really unsettling.

-By “refreshing bath” you mean sitting dramatically in a fountain with all your clothes on

-Without even wetting your hair

-CANNONBAAAAAAALL

-”Raised in captivity”

-That sun is really bugging me for some rea-WHAT THE FUCK

-I kid you not, I legitimately yelled “WHAT THE FUCK” when it started eclipsing

-I thought it was gonna turn into a giant eye or something holy shit

-Now it just reminds me of the night light in Bo’s room on Spirited Away

-How the fuck do they all get tired at the same time and how do they not get tired or bored of the same routine (from what I gather) every day. There is something seriously wrong with this. Or it’s just because they were indeed raised in captivity and i’m just overreacting.

-”I sure am tired from doing a whole lot of nothing”

-”It’s the door!”

 -I mean there were literally like three banana leaves covering it

-That’s creepy

-you sure Greg, Steven has superhuman stregth, he can punch an arcade robot out of its stall...

-Maybe they just assume everyone’s asleep at night and don’t care what happens

-The WHAT?

-This is ominous

-U12, F3... they’re fucking numbered

-Wait but why do gems use human alphabets

-”choosened”  Much grammar. Such wow.

-Wait is this some sort of breeding ritual  Is this how those humans were born in the first place

-what the fuck

-THE FUCK

-what the fuck

-fucking fuck

-what the FUCK

-GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN, THE DOOR IS OPEN

-Amethysts working emotional support.

-So do they understand zoo humans but not Greg/Steven, or does it work differently?

-uh oh

-shit

That Will Be All

-*bad feeling intensifies even more*

-*Han Solo voice* I’ve got a baaad feeling about this.

-Well at least they’re out of the enclosure

-Are those Jaspers

-in... boxes??

-Are soldier gems usually kept in cat towers?? How do they even get up there?

-NOOO AMETHYST

-THANK FUCKING GOODNESS you had me scared there for a moment

-Like, thank fucking goodness. I’d really hate it if Amethyst went through even more shit than she already did.

-SKINNY JASPER

-LOL WUT

-what the fuck

-*in that screaming voice when you turn a corner in a horror game only to find the same monster that’s been hunting you down for the last twenty minutes patiently waiting for you* THEY’RE STILL THERE

-those cat tower holes are supposed to look like Kindergarten holes.. so that’s what they do?? Just stand in there??

THEY WERE EAVESDROPPING

-Except Ruby. She was prepared to punch someone.

-Who bubbled all these gems that look nothing like the one in my belly?

-”Oh no I’m crying, the enemy is near”

-WHAT THE FUCK

-Good to see YD lost some of that neck

-And apparently her trench coat/skirt thingy too

-*LOUD WALKING NOISES*

-Like seriously the diamonds are fucking HUGE ASS FUCKING GIGANTIC WTF

-Well, so much for the guy who theorized that Yellow Diamond is not huge and that Yellow Pearl is just tiny.

-I’m surprised that the pearls didn’t get accidentally squished already

THAT FUCKING SMUG ASS FACE

I cOulDn;T heLP MYSELFF

-AND NOW I’M CACKLING LIKE MAD

-I WAS CACKLING ALL THE WAY WHILE I WAS PHOTOSHOPPING THIS AND I AM SO GLAD I WAS ALONE AT HOME

-(Except for my dog. maybe he thinks I’m crazy now/)

-Anyway, back to the episode.

-destroy the WHAT NOW?

-Wait, did Homeworld bubble all the Rose Quartzes because of the one that defected?

-”Pearl, do something. Sing for her.”  Yellow Pearl: “someBODY-”

-Yellow Pearl: “NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP, NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOWN”

-Yellow Pearl: “What is love, baby don’t hurt me, baby don’t hurt me no more”

-Yellow Pearl: “Turn down for WHAT”

-Yellow Pearl: “bobok bok  bok bok  bokbok bok bokbok  bobok bok  bok bok bokbok YEE”

-Yellow Pearl: “And I said HEYYEYAAEYAAAEYAEYAA “

-Yellow Pearl: “ROUND AND ROUND LET THE CITY TURN, PARTY IN THE HILLS WE CAN PARTY IN THE BURBS”

-Yellow Pearl: “SIE SIND DAS ESSEN UND WIR SIND DIE JAGER”

-Yellow Pearl: “wE, ARE THE CRYSTAL GEMS”

-Now I want a compilation of Yellow Pearl singing ridiculous things

-maybe I will make them myself.. but I only have Windows Movie Maker

-Shh, Steven, don’t sing along.

-HOLY FUCK IT’S THE SONG

-Makes sense that YD’s voice actor is a musical actress.

-AWW THEY’RE ON HER HANDS

-why do those pearls have such squeaky voices

-it’s certainly something different to see the main antagonist’s feelings being shown, and having her own song that isn’t about conquering and being evil, instead they’re shown to have feelings and caring about their friends and lost ones.  I like that.  Steven Universe makes it hard to really hate any character, because none of them are one-dimensional, they all have their own stories and personalities, there’s more sides to them than their first impressions.

-(I’m silently kinda thinking it would have been even more better if it was a duet but hey what we already got is great in itself)

-fucking holly agate

-dictionary agate

-Ruby is discomforted

-AND I GET WHY. THEIR PLAN’S ABOUT TO BE BLOWN

-o shit o shit o shit o shit o shit o shit o shit oshit

-DAMN BLUE DIAMOND WENT FROM GLOOMY TO EDGY SASS IN 0.1 SECONDS FLAT

-And Yellow Diamond just standing there like ‘wtf is going on’

-PHEWWWW

-I hope we get to see more of them in the future, it’ll be an interesting story arc. I’m curious as to what their positions and roles will be in the upcoming episodes.

H A HA H A

K we buds now? cool

-And to think I thought they were gonna be like purple Jaspers

I’m going ‘shit shit shit shit shit’ but at the same time I’m laughing so hard I can hear my ribs cracking

-*SILENCE*

omfg

-wtf she uses a whip too

-GARNEEEEEEET

-SHOWDOWN

-THAT COLLECTIVE FUCKING “OOOOOHHHHHH”

-DAMN PEARL THAT’s SAVAGE

-DAAAAYUMMMM

“U GOT BURNED M8″

Are all diamond ships arms? What is it with gems and arms anyway?

-It’s strangely aesthetic, though.

-Also, SHIP COLORS CORRESPOND TO GEM COLOR.  Does this mean that Peridot was the leader of the mission after all, since her ship was green like her?

-Phew, safe return to Earth.

-smol cinnamon roll and his dad are safe.

-OR ARE THEY *OMINOUS END CREDITS MUSIC*

-OKAY

-So... that happened.

-IT FUCKING BROKE ME and now I’ll go watch the rest of Doctor Who series 9 to get even more broken