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#IT WAS A LOT OF FUN LETS DO IT AGAIN SOMETIME
woso-dreamzzz · 21 hours
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Video IV
Lotte Wubben-Moy x Toddler!Reader
Summary: You go to soft play
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When Lotte looks back on her decisions in life, it's with a lot of fondness.
She's a football player now for both club and country. She's got a good life. Good friends. Good family.
But sometimes there's a few decisions she's made that aren't looked back on with such fondness.
Like that time she thought eating herself into a food coma last Christmas was a good idea or the time that she thought going for a bike ride without her helmet at seven years old was a good idea as well.
This is one of those moments.
She isn't quite sure what possessed her to make this decision.
Babysitting you was a common occurrence, whenever Beth and Viv wanted to go out on a little date without you or they were stuck in meetings and pr commitments that you just couldn't come to.
You stay over at Lotte's house a lot actually and with the introduction of your new trike, she's started to take you out to the park to do some laps.
But you're still little and growing and Lotte's sure that repeating the same things every day is harming your development more than helping it.
Which is why Lotte decided to stimulate your brain today by taking you to the soft play place.
She'd (wrongly) assumed that she would be able to sit by herself at one of the little tables for adults while you ran around and had fun.
Instead, she's scrunched up next to you, high up off the ground as you crawl around a few of the dangling things from the ceiling.
"Auntie Lolo!" You call when she doesn't crawl through too," Auntie Lolo! Let's go!"
Lotte sighs, shuffling through on her knees as you squeeze yourself into an even smaller space that she has to get into as well.
"Are you sure you don't want to go down the slide?" Lotte asks," Or maybe we can go back into the ball pit?"
It's easy to track you in the ball pit. Much easier than traversing all of these ledges and nooks.
You huff, little cheeks puffing out. "No, auntie Lolo," You say," We climb."
"Are you sure? I'm getting old, munchkin. I don't think I have much climbing left in me."
You frown a little, brow furrowing until a little crinkle appears. You shuffle back over to Lotte on your bum, little hand reaching out and touching her skin.
"Mmm, no. Not old. Doctor says so."
"Munchkin-"
"Doctor."
"Doctor Munchkin," Lotte says," Are you sure I'm not too old for all this climbing? I feel too old for it."
You shake your head. "Not old, auntie Lolo! We climb!"
You're off again, clambering up a few more ledges, ducking under dangling things and squeezing your body into spaces that Lotte struggles to follow after you in.
"See!" You say suddenly, pressing your face against the mesh rope to peer out to the rest of the play place," Is our kingdom. I'm King-Doctor and you're Queen-Auntie Lolo."
Lotte has to smother a bit of a laugh at how proud you are.
"A King-Doctor? That sounds like a lot of work?"
You nod seriously. "Is hard," You admit," But have you, Queen-Auntie Lolo. Lessi says you're prime minister!"
Lotte laughs. "Of course she did."
"So we rule together," You continue," Now! Slide!"
You go back the way you came, wiggling through the little nooks and crannies that Lotte has to shove her way through. She's pretty sure she's got a friction burn from dragging herself across the floor.
"Oh, now she wants the slide," She mutters, nearly falling head-first down a ledge after forcefully dislodging her foot from where it got stuck.
"Queen-Auntie Lolo!" You holler and Lotte picks up her pace.
The last time she let you go down the slide by yourself, you tumbled down like a log and there was still a little mark on your head from it.
"Alright, munchkin," She says, pulling you onto her lap," Are you ready?"
"Ready Queen-Auntie!"
"Alright. Here we go!"
The bumps in the slide make your tummy go all funny in the fun way and you burst into giggles as you make it to the bottom, kicking your legs happily.
"Again!"
Lotte looks up at the play structure, already knowing that you're going to take the long way, the one that includes all the detours and getting lost at least three separate times.
She winces at the thought, already reaching out to catch you by the back of the collar.
"How about we have some nuggets first? And then we'll see how we feel after lunch?"
It's sneaky on Lotte's part, that's for sure because you love nothing more than a nap after lunch.
You think for a moment. "Okay, Queen-Auntie Lolo. We can eat first."
Lotte smiles. "Thanks, munchkin."
"But only if we can get ice cream."
"Yeah, alright. We can get ice cream too."
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mipiscosotto · 2 days
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METADEDE WEEK :
Day 4 - Music
*throws gijinka metadede at you*
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OH BOY OH BOY TIME FOR SOME HEADCANNONS
SO EHM EHM
One day there was a party at castle dedede and everyone was invited, there was everything you can immagine and of course music, a lonely knight was bored and was approached by a very bored king that suggested they (FOR FUN) could dance (AS OF COURSE BEST FRIENDS WHAT ELSE COF COF) and that would be fun, but the music was a slow dance and meta knight wouldn't be caught dead doing a slow dance with someone so the knight kindly declined but the king wasn't having it so he took the knight hand and he dragged him into the dance floor, the knight at first resisted but then let it happen as he saw all his attempts at escaping were useless, it was very awkward and but the knight was very skilled at dancing so it wasnt a problem, the real problem was the king who never slow danced to anything but he would not admit that, after a lot of stepping more on the knight feet than the floor they decided their "moment" was over and went to the garden to admire the stars, the knight saw that the king was uneasy and decided that it would be a great idea to teach him how to slow dance only problem? they were outside and the music was very faint almost inaudible, so after a lot of convincing, the king and his knight took the stance they had before but now the knight was talking and giving advice to the king, after a while the knight stopped talking and the only thing that can be heard were the sound of they're clother rufling or the quick steps they made, it was weird to dance without music so the king started humming a little gingle the knight asked what was up with that and the king explained, the knight came up with another idea, he knew a lot of classical music and can remember a lot of it just by memory he can hum it so they would have a music to dance with and so the two danced again as the knight hummed a classical song the king was very surpised at the knight idea and the execution but he would not complain at all! actually it was very relaxing he even closed his eyes and let the knight lead him anywhere he pleased while singing the notes to an unknown song.....
(BASICALLY THEY DANCE SOMETIMES AND SOMETIMES THEY START HUMMING THE SONG) (and they dance secretly)
also despite the height difference, meta knight always leeds
+lil bonus
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*way of life by Frank Sinatra starts to play*
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yuenthevoices · 2 days
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Okay so I haven't seen Transformers One yet (just had midterms) but honestly from the bits i've seen of it - from movie clips on tiktok to some of the hilarious promo stuff they have Bee do - i'm ABSOLUTELY in love with it. some of my favorite stuff i've seen are the little, more niche details i don't see enough of that really show how much care has actually been put into the movie. don't worry, no spoilers for the actual movie - mostly about official promo clips and such.
for example, i saw a bit of an interview where it's said the animation team all grew up with transformers, and were even fighting to animate their favs. there was also another interview i saw where someone - i believe a story boarder/director - seemed genuinely pretty sad that they couldn't do the Megatron gladiator and Orion Pax archivist backstories because it would make the movie too long. like, there is just so much genuine love for the franchise that makes the movie so good and so interesting its crazy like ahduaogeuaisahe
alright alright so enough of my rant i know some of y'all are here for the x reader stuff soooo here's some TF One headcanons! also do keep in mind that this is from my very limited knowledge of the movie characters so prob oc? if they were to somehow meet humans
B-127 (Badassatron)
first off, he's such a silly guy and so adhd coded
but honestly, as a human, be just a bit careful around him, seeing as he accidentally knife-handed quite a few people, and some on purpose
he'd either be as clumsy as he is with his friends that he built, or would literally be too scared to get within touching distance of a human
if you want to get closer to him, honestly just listen to him - with some small input here and there to show you're listening - and he'd want to hang around you a lot more
really, just be nice, don't baby him, and let him yap as much as he wants - bonus points if you sometimes yap to him as well, i'm sure he'd be a great listening, with a lot of input from him, of course
Elita One
honestly, i wish i knew or could tell more about her, but any clips or trailers i've seen her in are pretty limited glimpses into her character
the trait i see the most from these glimpses however, is how she's ambitious and diligent
she'd probably respect you a great deal if you're as ambitious and diligent as she is, and would probably be a bit proud if you compliment her work ethic as well
i think she'd like someone who matches her, aiming for higher goals with the work and strength to prove it - especially since you're a human
bonus points if you can kick ass as well
D-16
similar case to Elita, except i think i have a bit more to go off of, considering how much he shows up in promo trailers and stuff
honestly, kinda hard for me to say?
again, i think he'd appreciate someone similar to him, considering how much time he spends with orion, it'd be a nice change of pace
someone who won't take bs, maybe a teeny bit of malicious compliance, and someone who doesn't try to hide their opinions
considering how mush shit miners seem to take from those who can transform, seeing someone else - especially some smaller, squisher being - being proactive and not taking shit, he'd probably be interested
Orion Pax
ok so only doing orion pax and not optimus prime because in total i've only seen like 3 clips of him as optimus soooo yea
i could see him with a jokester kind of person, but also with a more calm caretaker kind of person as well
being a jokester with him would be fun, and he'd probably have no problem with carrying you around to places for plans
being a calm caretaker would possibly be a little more stressful, but still fun with him nonetheless
either way, he'd still be somewhat careful, keeping in mind that he is much larger and sturdier than humans are
just don't play dead on him please, he'd genuinely freak out and run you over to D-16 and ask him what's wrong (D-16 probably won't find it nearly as funny lol)
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blackbloodteeth · 3 days
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Shout-out to @chickycherrycola and @mellancholy-morose for pushing me to do a quick snippet for the night (and @silluuuu because I was unashamedly thinking about Thief during this too haha), had a lot of fun with this one haha
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He never thought he was that kinda guy – He had standards, taste. After all, when one is so soul-deep tied to a piano's keys, it's only natural to be so musically inclined. Fine-tuned, even.
And yet this gal just had to come along, brightest spark of curiosity he'd ever seen in that nice-lookin' trench coat and plaid red skirt (he loves red, what can he say), standin' with her shoulders squared even as the lights dim, just before his next performance. The old stage floor creaks as the wheels slowly roll out into view, a dark, ebony grand piano bathed in the shadows steadily being painted in the one remaining light left, all on its own as it stops just a few feet in front of her. And what does she do? Comes up to him, bold little gleam in her pretty green eyes as she takes it like an invitation and starts tapping his damn keys.
Of course, let him step back a bit – He doesn't always mind when people do this, no. Always free show and food if someone good comes along and busts out a tune, and a delicious midnight snack if they came in after hours or were absolute shit at it. But her, no, no, no.
He's a patient guy. Sometimes he waits his turn if there's too many people in line, too many eyes on his prize for him to eat someone on the off chance in peace. But her. No, it almost made his strings snap with just how unbearably awful her playing was, I mean just Beethoven rolling in his grave level atrocious, and yet: He couldn't bring himself to do it. Not even a taste of her delightful little soul, all aglow with that smile and laughter, all genuine because he didn't scare her. She was having fun, actually honest-to-heck enjoyin' herself listening to all the different notes he made out of tune like she was a sadistic little angel and this was his punishment finally manifested.
And honestly: Really she was actually just tone deaf.
Now, you can fast-forward a bit.
That spark in Maka's eyes ignites somethin' fierce as she presses her favourite little key of his – G – and lets her fingers interlock as it rises up as a mass of shadow, quickly reforming into a hand just as dedicated to her grasp while the rest of the piano melts into the form of a person – Him. All decked out in that suit he likes, grinning all his shark teeth from behind her as he looks back with faintly glowing eyes, red like fine wine and midnight while he fully assumes his human form, white hair and all. 'Bout as much of a human piano as one would 'spect, he reckons.
"You rang," he chuckles, head cocked to see a little more of that mischief take ahold of her face again.
"Jack the Ripper's on the loose; You game?"
A dark laugh twirls her around in a dance of indulgence and misfortunate familiarity, bowing her down in a pose because he knows it annoys her as much as she allows it. "As if you had to ask."
Eyes roll, she turns the tide, leaning over him with a murderous reminder of their contract in her eyes. "Then let's go, Soul Eater."
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zrllosyn-art · 2 years
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Scarab shenanigans with @13thcat (tighnari) and @ajitated (cyno)!
AJ had scarabs marked on their map, and KC has tig indicators. They were scarab dogs :3c Underleveled scarab sniffin dogs but we found a bunch! It was a blast.
(also it was really funny being the only lv90 on the team and having to fight everyone bcs KC and AJ did no dmg lol. Neither Tig nor Cyno had artifacts.)
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deoidesign · 3 months
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It's my right to tell myself I can do just a little animation just for fun just for really quick to do some action and then spend 3 days straight on it
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seagull-scribbles · 1 year
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I want you to tell ‘em that you love the way that they don’t stick out like sore middle fingers
[Continuation of this]
#TMNT 2012#casey jones 2012#raphael hamato#rasey#this is platonic again but I’m not against romantic subtext or whatever#when I was in school being able to do this with your hand was super cool and I often still do it with both#but I’ve met both adults and kids who’ve never seen it before and it freaks them out ahaha#anyway I was jus thinking of hands again and this is a warm up sketch#but i do think thee two would have heart to hearts on rooftops sometimes and really open up#maybe theyre sat next to eachother and raph looks at his thigh next to Casey’s and gets self conscious#maybe one of them was hurt in a fight (probably Casey) and theyre patching eachother up and they just start exploring their differences#or maybe its something as simple as raph asking casey if he was Tarzan and the scene with the hands and Casey’s like yo we can do that#or even more childish theyre just doing it to see who’s hands bigger because Casey’s sister has been doing it a lot and its fun#because let me tell you it doesnt matter how old the kids i work with are they all love comparing my hand with theirs#but i imagine Raphs eyes for a second would give away hes upset a little cause he’s definitely the most self conscience about being a mutant#so Casey would do this and be like ahh look see we arent that different really#raph could bend his fingers to emphasise how much shorter Casey’s are#and cause would say something like these digits might be small but theyre mighty#leading to a shove or even a thumb war or something#anyway ill stop gushing i have a comission to do xxx#OH OH OH THE BITE MARK ON CASEY IS BECAUSE A MUTUAL COMMENTS ABOUT EATING MY RASEY ART SO THATS THEIR TEETH but im not naming names....
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sysig · 11 months
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For the last day of requestober, can you please draw something spooky/scary with Negative RGB? With all the cool lighting stuff you've been doing recently, I think it could be very dramatic, and I'd love to see him in your style!
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Day 31 -Pl̷̼͙̯̼̟̈́͒̃̓͆e̵̢͔̞̤̯͗as̴̨͆̒̏e dö̸̧̢̝̳́͝ not̸̨̞͔̗͆̔͝ͅ ̶̦̋͒a̵̪͋̉̈́̒djus̶̪͔͎̘͈̍́̂̅̚t yö̶̙̺͎́͘u̷͚̙̿̓͆r sc̸̙͍͒rę̸̰̺̣̿̓͌̔̎en̴̏̈́͊ͅ
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idolomantises · 2 years
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there's something so comforting about artists you admire talking about their own struggles and insecurities
#txt#was watching supereyepatchwolf's video on chainsaw man again and listening to fujimoto express regret about things he didnt learn#and how he's clearly envious of his peers is so... comforting?#i think about my own strengths and flaws and often times i get so frustrated with my shortcomings#im not good at drawing feet; my backgrounds are purposefully simplistic and lack a lot of detail; sometimes my designs have a tendency to#overlap or feel very 'safe' in terms of what i really want to do#its why; despite my love for clowning on media and animated works. i never want to feel like its from a place of malice#the joy of art is always seeing those little mistakes and nuances. its also noticing the achievements other creators have made that you#still lack#even for a certain hell-based show i love to poke fun at for its many. many issues. its undeniable how incredibly passionate the work is.#and i do respect anyone who is willing to get their flawed media out there (myself included)#i see stuff about people calling me their inspo or how flattered they are when i compliment their work and its like. gee. i hold myself at#such a high bar and even still im always surprise when people tell me how much my work moved and changed them#i really love writing just little fun things that i just dont really see anyone else touching and its kind of fun how despite my own#personal grievances with my own flaws and mistakes#people really do find things that they love within them.#anyways I know this is getting long but I’ve just been getting sentimental abt the creation of art#sometimes people make fun of me for love of drawing women and lesbians and bugs and so on#and while I will never let me deter me from my process. sometimes it does get to me#but then I remember that I love doing this and could ever see myself holding back#and knowing despite how other people feel. I have so many followers who resonate with my weird ass shit#that it’s all worth it. ya know?
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benevolenterrancy · 20 days
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Hi there! Just popping real quick to say that I'm loving your nieyao weapons saga, and also that I'm glad you enjoyed my silly fic ;u; ("All men are the same"). Fuck JGS indeed 😌
DEFINITELY! It's such a fun fic, your Jin Guangshan POV in chapter one is absolutely horrible in the best ways, it's so funny to watch him and absolutely everyone else misinterpret what's happening in front of them (੭ ˃̣̣̥ ω˂̣̣̥)੭ु⁾⁾ The entire initial conversation between JGS and NMJ, with NMJ becoming more and more and MORE horrified with literally every poorly thought out word leaving JGS's mouth is just *chefs kiss* had me completely hooked from the jump. And poor JGY stuck in the middle... he's having a horrible time and I'm having a great time
Anyway, I guess this is a plug to anyone who hasn't read All Men Are The Same to go and read All Men Are The Same (o゚v゚)ノ。.:*☆ it's lovely, one of my favourite MDZS rereads
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aro-culture-is · 1 year
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quick note - this blog is gonna be sparse again for at least this week. trying new medications and tbh initial side effects are not super pleasant + actual effects build up. as a result: currently as if unmedicated for mental health, with anxiety+ side effect, extra fatigue, dizziness, and fatigue. it's uh, sure something.
totally recognize that most of y'all know we're absent at times due to health things, just wanted to give a heads up that this one is at least anticipated.
#fun fact sometimes condensing meds just means poorer treatment of some conditions#this is a re-expansion + new thing#so that instead of poorly treating my mental health and using an unusually high dose SNRI for another (physical) condition#i will hopefully both be in less pain AND not depressed af AND also have an appetite again#i doubt i will be lucky and not have a fucked stomach due to meds but one can hope that an appetite will allow me to eat foods that upset#my stomach a lot less#my health is forever a massive balancing act#every time a medical thing is like 'so what meds do u take' i'm like here i wrote it down for u#and they're like 'oh. ooookay. let me just...' *five minutes of typing and clicking later*#'so! what did you come in for again? uhuh. you said you experience pain daily? with your chronic pain thing? hm. have you tried yoga?'#/gen#like. straight up every time i say 'i am in pain all the time due to fibromyalgia' they are like 'ooh studies say regular exercise helps'#and like. theoretically yes! but also. i would be lying if i said the fibromyalgia studies i've skimmed don't set off general 'bad science'#alarm bells in my brain#like... cool you performed a fibromyalgia study with... all male lab rats? mhmm? so are you aware fibromyalgia appears to occur#overwhelmingly in women? like. data seems to suggest between 70-85%?#(not that the data can't still indicate things but it certainly makes male rats a poor choice of model for tests on it)#also just... idk i've looked at some metaanalysis and been like 'okay cool theory and for all i know about human bio or bio in general that#sounds more or less correct BUT. you never discussed that one study on this subject that did NOT support your conclusion.#and that's 1) interesting when it was the most diverse group of subjects and the exceptions often teach just as much as the 'rule'#2) just shitty science. tell me how your theory is still credible when some evidence doesn't fit the model.#like... 'given that all other studies were primarily conducted on white american women in their 30s to 40s it is possible that this model#only explains (the early effects of fibro since that's a typical onset period) / (a possible genetic link primarily found in white women) /#(a possible sign of bias in diagnosis that demonstrates the possibility that there are different causes) / combinations of all of those#like... idk a paper that just throws out things that don't support it is a pretty big red flag#it doesn't mean the conclusion is entirely incorrect but it is often important to understand the context in which it applies#like... it's very easy to jump to an incorrect conclusion if you used something in the wrong context#ie: thumbs up is a good job / positive thing in a lot of western civilizations. teenage kee once went to china and discovered it to be#neutral to offensive in many areas outside of major tourist locations that were used to it#anyways i gotta sleep
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termagax · 2 months
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re: "good girl" i think they say it once randomly as a joke and its just one of those things that gets him wayyy more than they expected it would. so now its their secret weapon and they use it very sparingly and every single time he gets super embarrassed about it but it works ill tell you what.
#HES MY PRINCESS IDEK.#i dont think it happens naturally all that much because theyre usually in the business of calling each other names and being mean#so i think this would just be a random night where theyre on top and just think it would be really funny. to yank on his leash and call him#a good girl after bullying him into doing something. and well i just think it would get him is all i dont knowwwwwwwwwwwwww#i havr a lot of thoughts on the matter but i will stop for now#but the tldr is that with each other they tend to switch frequently and are always fighting#so i think itd take someone else being in the picture for hog to even realize how much he likes being a good boy :3#and i also dont think fish would be good at straightforward domming in the way he would want and they both know that#so its something he keeps between him and rat mostly. please dont ask me questions abt jrs sex life i have too many opinions on it#anyways. i think even tho fish knows theyd be bad at that they still feel left out so sometimes they go watch. they dont get anything out of#doing that theyre just sort of taking mental notes#all of this circles back to i think fish has always been the more sexually experienced of the two. and romantically.#i dont rlly think hog is a guy who dates i dont think hes ever been that and i dont think he made much time for hookups#(i think its cute if hes a virgin when they meet but 🤷 im not solid on it)#but i think for him hes just only ever fucked this one person and they do a LOT of stuff and it gets the job done so hes just never really#tried anything else. but. and again i have too many opinions on this but i think rat wouldnt be into their usual shteeze#i think hes a bit of a freak in his own way but the blood and weird anger issues is just not doing it for him most of the time#but i do think if given the opportunity he would LOVE to be The Boss for a little bit so i think he and hog can explore that together and it#will work out beautifully for them. this is great because i am not into strict d/s dynamics like that but i know in my heart that hoggy#would be. and i cant do that for him#again i think fish would be butthurt about this. mostly in a 'why didnt u tell me so we could try this :(' and he would go#'because you would suck at it and wouldnt like it' and they go oh. right. well im still mad#ANYWAYS. circling back. i think the good girl thing would be something fish knows that rat doesnt. and idk if theyd tell him or not#because i do think if they tell him he is using that for evil hog is going to be a good girl forever and ever. rat doesnt have the patience#to space it out the way fish does. which idk maybe thatd be good for hog he could work through some stuff...#but on the other hand i think its fun if they DONT tell him and just bust it out sometime when all 3 of them are doing the deed. or whatever#because again they mostly like how embarrassed he gets about it and i think he would be reallyyyy flustered by it#^ this is essentially part of my fantasy about spitroasting my beautiful wife until he cries just so everyone knows#idk i just think when he lets go of himself hed be a very cute and kind of needy subby bottom and i think hed be really easy to fluster#about it and i want it so bad
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arolesbianism · 2 months
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Doodle of my boy
#keese draws#eternal gales#oc art#oc#fydd <3333333333#he is my bestie I need to get over my fear of drawing him so bad#grips bathroom sink I Will get better at drawing for fun and letting my art be messy and being proud of it anyways#but yeah look at him he is so cute and is so silly and he’s never gone through any traumatic events ever I would never#<- lying lier who lies and loves tormenting it’s ocs#but yeah he’s half alien half human but was raised entirely by his human mom#his alien mom is alas stuck in the cult the two met at rip#fydd doesn’t know abt any of that tho he just knows that he has another mom that his mom doesn’t like talking abt#he loves playing games of all kind but especially loves video games and will play them for hours#not that he has much else to do since he’s spent pretty much his entire life living by a garbage dump in the middle of nowhere#and he’s not allowed to go fuck around in the dump much since his mom doesn’t want him to be seen so he’s stuck at home most of the time#thankfully now he has an adopted sister to play with but he still has viddy game autism#his mom has done her best to introduce him to the various cultures she and his other mom came from but she struggles with it#she was quite disconnected from her own culture growing up and she knows limited amount about her girlfriends home planet#fydd doesn’t mind much rn cause he’s 12 but a certain other older fydd might care a smidge more#fydd does like 60% know both japanese and spanish tho so that’s pretty cool#his mom tried to do regular lessons when he was younger but wasn’t able to keep them up consistently and eventually gave up#mostly because she wasn’t anywhere near fluent in either herself and she had a hard time keeping up with how fast fydd would pick up on it#they still have some books from back then laying around that fydd will pick up and read aloud when he’s bored sometimes#he gets bored of speaking english all the time as his brain is built to pick apart different sounds and assign them linguistic meaning#so reading and speaking different languages is good enrichment for him#his mom doesn’t know this unfortunately otherwise she totally would have gotten him more stuff in different languages to chew on#he does get to learn the language the stalien cast speaks tho he has a lot of fun with that#he alas can’t properly experience most stalien video games though rip#I should rly get to redesigning his human mom again at some point she needs it sooo bad#I mean her whole squad needs it but she’s my favorite so like
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attack for Wander of their character Eno!
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toastsnaffler · 2 months
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was gonna say smth else but this turned into a vent sorry everyone just ignore. typical weekend post on this blog u know how it is here we go👍
#wild ik so many ppl getting married meanwhile im over here struggling to convince myself my friends even care abt me or want me around#pathetic to admit but i cant even fantasise abt someone loving me bc im too insecure n emotionally unstable#my mind just shoots the idea down like whoa. unrealistic. ur incapable of expressing or receiving affection in any way that matters#no matter how badly u want to... and even if someone did well u wouldnt believe them most of the time#gotta get out of the fucking labyrinth first i couldnt inflict this shit on anyone i cared abt#but it makes me so desperately sad sometimes i dont know how im ever going to get out of this ive been trying for years and years#and im a little better at it snd i dont feel like this all of the time i know it just comes around and itll pass again#but im tired of being in so much emotional pain so frequently. and shouldering it so alone. theres such a disconnect between myself and#others and i dont know how to bridge that i don't know how to stop feeling so isolated and unwanted !!!!!! im trying so hard#it doesnt even bother me w relative strangers in my life like i dont get insecure at all around them i like meeting new ppl#bc theres like. no expectations i guess. like ik they dont care abt me personally and idk them well enough to do that either#and its fun but it doesnt satisfy needs that i have like i need to feel close + connected to ppl i need to care abt them + feel cared for#but as soon as i do start to care abt ppl it gets all tangled and i end up getting rly badly hurt over and over. thru no fault but my own#bc im constantly alienating myself and bc i struggle so much w shit like physical affection which is frustratingly rly critical for me!!!!#it wouldnt fucking matter if i didnt like or want affection ik some ppl are fine without i wish it worked like that for me#but nope instead i have to be constantly messed up over my complete fucking inability to express myself in any form#and ik it makes everyone around me so uncomfortable so it just becomes self reinforcing and eventually they drift and leave me behind#and i just do that over and over and over and every time ill tell myself ill do better ill try harder and itll get easier and someone will#and it happens again and right now im at the stage where the abandonment fear is starting to kick in which is awful n paralysing#and usually a precursor to actually being abandoned ehich is always my own fault bc i start behaving so erratically out of fear or defense#its self fulfilling and im trying. im trying so hard not to let it overwhelm me again and not to start acting out and freaking ppl out#and im coping with it okay i think but just hurts me a lot its all internal my rejection sensitivity is gradually ticking up and up#and argh!!!!!!!!! and some days im okay and some days its like this and i dont know what todo when its like this im so tired and in pain#its not even that bad today tbf. once im done typing this to get it out ill be able to do smth else and distract mysrlf for a bit#and then calling friends later too so exposure therapy innit. but itll be fun and i love them but i will probably also feel very bad after#or even possibly during but thats okay ill still manage fine im not going to let it interfere i dont want it controlling my fucking life#i am going to have a nice time and be okay despite it all. even if i do have to fucking battle this every day forever#and even if it stops me living my life to the extent i want and feeling as ok as i want i just have to come to terms with and be ok w it#and im not going to be!!! a fucking asshole abt it!!! i dont want to hurt anyone else thats the most important thing no matter how i feel#thr rest is all secondary and ik i cant help a few little bumps here and there but trying hardest to keep it separate its not negotiable
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dullahandyke · 10 months
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i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard
#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point#and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it!#because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared#but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure#ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit#n this deep plays into that#idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot#so i probs need to do that again#yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008#but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like#which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit#and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it#but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it#like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head#its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever#idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me#so now im here like Uh Oh#and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff)#but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes#i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers#and im being disproven#i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63%#and i like college! i just dont like. college.#anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime
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