#IM SO UPSET I JUST WANTED TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU
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lmaoooo maffhew wanting the knot immediately and having to wait for sasha to catch up with that is so deeply funny like. this omega is not subtle and you’re not a stupid alpha babe! can only imagine what benny has to say to maffhew about it once he catches on and stops banging his head against a wall
idiots to lovers is always great but especially when its two people who would be hitched with 10 kids by now if they stopped being dumb for a single second like its that easy and yet...
to me they very much fall around the same time (infatuation at first scent if you will) just that sasha takes some time to get there not because he's dumb (okay he's a little dumb) but in the sense that its like "this person is very interested in me, i can see and recognise that but theres so much cognitive dissonance in my brain right now between knowing that intrinsically and finding that hard to believe so i unintentionally play dumb because obviously i'm reading too much into things it cant be me they're interested in haha that'd crazy but they're being awfully touchy and flirty with me wow"
but also it takes two to tango and we have to acknowledge that and this is when i would love to bring up the ways in which this man decides is the best way to go about that because he is a catholic school girlie... there's so much hilarity to be had here especially because his flirting is very uh how you say... a little ass backwards if you will especially considering dynamics
"I make it a point to keep the door closed when we're alone in a room together! That's basically a clear invitation that I'm down to fuck!!! Im basically asking to be ragdolled on his knot!!!"
and Benny just pinches the bridge of his nose like "I don't know how to explain to you in a way you'll understand that not everyone went to Catholic school."
But saying that Sasha does side-eye the door knob heavily when Maffhew goes over to close it the first time and he starts sweating like he just got dragged into a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven he did not sign up for and he's 13 again and oh god he got paired with a really cute girl, and he hasn't even had his first real kiss yet and-
And then absolutely nothing happens because Maffhew is just waiting with a polite expectant smile (because his work here is done, he did the heavy lifting know it's Sasha's turn) and this is when Sasha's dynamic classes training kicks in and he basically scolds himself for even assuming in the first place because this is clearly a show of trust (correct) not an invitation for extra circular activities (incorrect buzzer noise) and it basically becomes "This Omega really trusts me, I'm honoured especially as Pack Leader that I'm able to be so accepted into such a private space with the inherent knowledge that I will not encroach their boundaries whatsoever because consent is verbal, this is not in any way an invitation to take advantage of them this is deep platonic trust I will guard with my life :]"
and if you listen closely you can hear the lovely sounds of Maffhew bashing his head into a wall about how much of a gentleman Sasha is but also COME ONNNNNN... you know... once Maffhew realises what's happening which (looks at my watch) is not due for another few months really
Battle of wills: unstoppable force (maffhews catholic school understanding of dynamic interactions) vs immovable object (overseas alpha cotillion classes)
And if you think it's an Oh! An overseas dynamic thing! It's not. The Euros are watching the horrible car crash in front of them and doing absolutely nothing about it because it's none of their business, but they will stare at it... maybe judge it a bit but definitely are observing from the tall grass.
and I'm also not saying that luosty lundy forsy and bobby have a current running bet of how long it'll take for maffhew to break sasha in but i'm also not not saying that... luosty goaded lundy in the midst of a gossip session ("It has to be 3 months, right?) forsy happened to be around so lundy turned to him for advice ("7 months.") and maybeeee bobby overheard from all the way over from his stall and puts in his two cents for what it's worth ("6. Captain nice but not that nice. Very impatient." "So 3!" "No. Impatience makes him double the time, and wait longer. 6 months.") (lundy finally settles on a good 5 months because he's indecisive)
And Sasha does eventually pick up everything maffhew is throwing down... eventually... and when he does it becomes more so I want to court this omega the way they deserve I will take this slow and romance them sweetly :) *smash cut to maffhew caterwauling like a cat in heat*
but also once again its not like maffhew is helping sasha in any way this is idiot4idiot and benny would like to enjoy the car crash with the euros but unfortunately that's his soulmate, thats his bestie, his littermate from birth who has been weaned on the same teat as they climbed over each other to get to it, the first girl you kissed in your childhood bedroom because somehow you started play fighting on the bed because she was like i could totally pin you down easy and then she does and you always noticed how beautiful she was but shes even more gorgeous when she's pinning your wrists to your hannnah montana duvet you promised yourself youd changed out before she came over but you forget and well she teased you about it and you cant help but giggle about how perfect this all is and it seems that the natural conclusion to this is to taste the strawberry lipgloss of her lips because whats a kiss between besties huh its tacky and sticky and it tastes like summer and just other apt metaphors to put here about the inherent -isms of their relationship that i nearly cant put to words properly other than girls having fun (they are fucking)
and well anyways benny is watching and he has a lot of things to say about how its been proceeding so far
"You should really use your words."
"I am!"
"Right because smelling like a fucking perfume shop in the middle of October is using your words."
"This usually works with most Alphas okay!"
"Sasha isn't most Alphas."
"Tell me about it." Matthew grouses before he peeks over to Sam, looking up from beneath his eyelashes—the exact way he knows both endears him to Sam but also absolutely miffs him all the same, "Worked on you, didn't it?"
"Oh, is that what we're doing right now? We're calling getting a lapful of a preening O in preheat in the middle of a roadie a normal way to go about these things."
"It worked didn't it?" Matthew reiterates.
"It would work better if you use—"
"Okay! Alright!! I get it!!!" He does not.
like benny here is unfortunately an active listening participant in the going ons of the fuckery if not because hes involved by proxy because of maffhew because who else will hold his hair back as he calls him a dumb bitch you know
#ask#i dont think we nearly take enough advantage of maffhew going to a catholic prepatory school#my friend who went to catholic schooling his whole life until highschool (where we met) dropped the bombshell of the door thing on me#to which i went you have to be fucking with me that cant be real and then i was like well i guess its good we're both boys then-#and then he goes oh my mom knows im queer the rule applies to boys too#and i just nervously looked over to the door knob like well uh maybe we should open the door? i dont want your mom to be mad-#and he was like oh shes convinced we've been fucking since we met so this is allowed youre the only boy she lets do this (the door thing)#a couple of years later when he moved out i found out friends weren't allowed over if he was alone in the house but i was the only exceptio#and i felt like the equivalent of a roving tomcat who keeps wandering into the gardens and got the neighbours cat daisy pregnant#i dont think i could ever look that woman in the eye after all that#this is all to say catholic schooling does things to you man#anyways i do have to reiterate every kitty is fucking each other on a normal basis and in an abo au it gets even worse#making our whorehouse a whorehome#ive always said this but flirting with a virgo is like flirting with a brickwall#actually thatd be an insult to the brickwall because at least the brickwall would give you something to work with#the humble virgo looks you in the eyes before they crush your ego with a single word and youre like thank you mistress may i have another#i feel for maffhew i really do#theres just so many funny ways this just goes terribly wrong because both maffhew and sasha are inherently messy people#matthew and sasha on a team outing sat next to each other in a booth and matthew gets a little tipsy and starts rubbing his cheek#on sashas shoulder and sasha is just looking over to benny like please. help. and benny just snorts and blatantly ignores#him as he continues to sip on his beer and sasha just turns to ekky and silently pleads with his eyes. PLEASE. HELP.#ekky huffs and looks away very much not thrilled about being involved in any form whatsoever and hes not gonna change his mind about this#*5 minutes later* and ekky finds himself switching spots with sasha with a cuddly maffhew on his arm and he's a little disgruntled about it#but its very hard to stay upset when maffhew keeps mumbling about how nice he smells and keeps trying to scent him#all over like he has any right to lay a claim when hes been in the pack for such a short time#and yeah okay maybe he preens a little bit at the compliment like just a little#and maybe he does like being treated like a glorified scratching post but matthew doesnt need to know that (matthew knows that)#well anyways
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vent in tags
#so i posted earlier saying i wish i could ask people what makes me so dislikable#and i was referring to a situation which happened to me in the past#and how i wish i could say to these people like what about me is so dislikable that you had to react the way you did#(i would like to clarify i was not in the wrong in this situation i have asked multiple people#and they agree i wasnt in the wrong so im not just saying it)#and an anon decides to send me an ask saying#ngl its the desperation for validation but i think youre cool#and it made me so upset because its such a fucking back handed compliment#because like i am aware of the fact im a people pleaser and i want to be liked by people#like i know its a huge flaw and i am trying to do better and not worry about what other people think about me#but its not something that is going to happen overnight#and so to point that out when im already aware of it and then follow it up with a backhanded compliment#is honestly really hurtful and just kinda really upset me#also saying that i'm desperate for validation like is just so#idk it just was so unnecessary for them to say that and phrase it that way#anyway im sure no one is gonna read this and if they do it probably makes no sense or it just sounds like#im being a whiny bitch and probably more anons are gonna come call me attention seeking or#say im looking for validation#but i just wanted to rant about it bc like there's ways to say things nicely to people and that was not one of them#esp when its a flaw im already aware of and would like to work on more#but again its not gonna disappear overnight!#butter’s thoughts
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on that subject, obsessed with today when i was like "hey guys, can you two stop playing the jumping game for now because it's giving caden a headache" and my 6 yr old cousin is like "you mean 'me'. it's giving 'me' a headache, because your caden". it's like yeah man ur right. my bad . and then they stopped jumping. it was awesome
#the thing is like. the jumping hurt my headright away#but i let them do it for a while before they told them to stop. and then they did#and i think thats part of it too. for somw things you have to wait and let kids have whay they want for a while before swooping in and#asking for them to stop#so they dont feel super controlled#and like. as an autistic person I HAVE TO DO THAT ANYWAY USUALLY#there's so many adult people out there who i have to put up witj their noises because i KNOW if i ask for them to stop theyll get mad#or even on a lesser extent. like as an autistic person w my sorta issues. you have to a let a lot of things go that are genuenly painful#and stressful. bc if u ask people to do things too much they often get upset. even if theyre overall nice#same with kids#but with kids you get to ask them to stop way more and you get to ask earlier than you would with most adults#like. ill be trying to put up with somethinf and struggling and get to the ppont where im visibly shaking and stuttering and on the verge#of tears#and the mere request of 'could you turn the tv ofd#still gets whole ass adults telling me im entitled and bossy#meanwhile child will hear 'thats making me feel bad' and theyll hear that and theyll think about it#and often times theyll stop#and even when they dont they dont insult you!#and people still say little kids are annoying????#when i tell a little kid 'could you turn the sound off on the video game or take it to another room the sounds its making are upsetting me#they LISTEN.#adults have a strong tendency to#use the ironicallt imature logic of ' i like this thing. so it dosent matter if it is upsetting you. i like it so i want to have it. even#though we are in a shared space together. i wont change what im doing because i want to do the thing i like. and thats more important than#not upsetting you. because doing the thing i like makes ME feel good.'#like. litterallt this mindset is easily more promient in adults than small children 100% . on god#and its just about the most childish thing ever.#its understandable. but its immature#and with something this simple its silly people cant let that go. its not complex at all. its stop making noise it is hurting me. easy
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#not really a vent - just a quick thought before i sleep but like.#i keep thinking about that post#theres no way ill find it now but the gist was that 'joy is a warning bell to neurodivergent brains'#and how when we feel joy it means we've loosened up and that always leads to a problem --#whether its getting to be Too Much or saying the wrong thing or even just getting physically loose and clumsy#but it conditions the brain to see joy as something to fear#because relaxing means we're about to fuck something up#and ive been doing so well this year keeping up with and calling people#ive felt more social lately#literally everyone has been so incredibly kind to me and i want to express how grateful i am and how much i love you all#but every time i try to i get so choked up with fear#with each wave of happiness comes one of chest-squeezing fear#im not super upset or anything (its nice to know why its happening) i just wish i knew how to unlearn it ya know 🤷♀️#thats all - time to sleep#its so late -_-#awww its my pals birthday now!! earth day birthday :') too late rn but ill text him when i get up#rose rambles
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Bleh.
#idk. experiencing that fun dooming feeling of knowing im too weird and sensitive to engage in proper fandom.#so i just watch everyone else have a fucking blast and i sit here in my 'i feel way too much way too hard' corner#i want to be able to engage in stuff more. to talk to people more. to ENJOY things more#instead i live in fear every fucking day of what thing is gonna accidentally upset me#and ill have to deal with the mental torment nexus that follows for the next 8 hours#like this cannot be normal. this has to be a thing that can be treated#but i have no money or resources to look into that#i just wish i was normal.#im so tired of making friends while wearing a mask#and realizing i can never take it off because they'll leave as soon as i do#be nice be agreeable be kind you have to you HAVE to or you'll have no one#idk i wanna give up im so tired all the time.#my ideas all feel like shit. all being creative has done is make people drop me and hate me.#im loved until im not what they want they thought i was.#im always needed never wanted.#i keep! trying to find spaces i feel like me in. that i feel GOOD in#and its the same fucking story no matter what. i never do it *right*.#i don't do ships right i don't do trans right i don't do bi right i don't do aro right.#every community has made it clear that im not what they want.#im tired of floating and being lost. what would it matter if i was lost forever that seems to be what the universe wants for me anyway.#im tired of living based on what everyone else wants#I'd rather die finally doing something just for me.#vent
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loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!
#this isnt rly related to any character in particular i just thought abt this and it made me scream.#flirting at a bar Damn girl you look like youre trapped in a life you built to please someone else. and then i kneel down and pull out a 💍#sry i ran out of space for the full word ring. also why when i type 💍 Ohh theyre hiding it. bc now the emoji is 💍 Oh they changed it again#pox on their home..originally it was 🔐 sughested emoji#but then the second time it was 😭.... very anti marriage. well ig maybe the sob could be like OMG... YES!!!!! I WILL MARRY YOU!!!!!!#ngl getting proposed to is such a big fear of mine like. i dont think id ever be able to propose to someone so id have to be proposed to i#suppose but it makes me quite nervous not bc im like ohh nooo dont propose i just rly worry ill react the wrong way and theyll change their#mind. like its a very high emotion moment so ik i would be supposed to be emotional And i would be but idk if id do it in the right way . y#idk. what if my autism looms and i end up just being like 😐 on accident. fuckkk. what if i say somethinf dumb. like i try to be like YES !#but instead im like YEP! god. can you imagine. id have to just bury myself at that point. so embarassing. or like what if i get excited and#flap my hands but it was supposed to be more of a like. joyful crying type of thing... or what if im supposed to just be shocked and like .#Oh my god ....#and am I supposed to run at them and sweep them into a hug or do they do thst to me. UGH. ITS SO STRESSFUL. i suppose ill just remain alone#forever so I never have to confront any difficult situations ever again . Joke .#idk it just makes me nervous. but i suppose hopefully the person proposing to me will love me . that would be nice so hopefully they wont#mind if i dont respond the right way . and they wont be upset with me bc they love me eversomuch. a girl can dream i suppose... my head lik#is pounding sry. i need to sleep probably.. stayed up too late again -_- 8am -_- and im sposed to do laundry today But i dont want to . and#since im gonna fall asleep i fear it shant happen. UGHHH#wtvr. idk what my ideal proposal would be likeee. i don't want to be blindsided ig#i like surprises but Obviously im too worried abt like. my immediate reaction#+ i think its important to talk abt marriage Before proposing just so everybodys like#on the same page and such. Obvs... but ya. i dont think id want a super public proposal like. id like it to be somewhere nice with maybs#significance to our relationship and such. and its fine if theres like Some passersby but id hate for it 2 be like. somewhere crowded. or i#a restaurant or something#Altho if it was in a restaurant maybe we could get free food..#but maybe that can be just fake proposals later on. and our real proposal can be somewhere else. YIPPEEE. me and my imaginary future spouse#who is To be honest rather bare minimum#normal girl will be like Wistful sigh maybe my future spouse will even love me and wont scream at me and will like to listen to me speak 😍#but anywyas. my beddybye time. SURPRISE GN POST#woahhthis got off topic i forgot what the original post was this always happens. i do love characters like that
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#friend being consistently exhausting and i am a little bit done#i love them but like. cmon#just. *gestures vaguely*#please#and thank you#like it's to the point where they show up and i kinda just want to leave before they do or say something that makes me stop and sigh bc i#don't want to deal with whatever it was#and ive started having this thing where if something upsets me emotionally and im very conflicted about it/it's bothering me but a very#small thing#then my chest starts hurting#and uh. i do not like that feeling#but i cant really avoid talking to them bc friend group#id have to just ignore everything they say while trying to be nice and normal with everyone else#so for now im being kinda distant with the whole group#which is awful i love them#but something is not working here#and uhhhhh it's giving /ow/#so yeah that's fun#mhm mhm#yeah it's not good :(#ann rants
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#the problem is one day i feel awful the next day i feel manageable#but i have to commit or i will feel worse than yesterday#i cut my mum and brother from the Netflix and yt premium (i hate ads.)#I'm planning to pay less for gas and electricity cause there's no reason i should be putting in £250 a month for both#food im not eating so I'm not paying for it (oh but you need food → my case off it)#like i can't tell you how upset i am and how angry ive become and how incompetent i am at everything#I'm lucky that one of my brain pilots doesn't want to quit this job#but i just need some time to bounce back#can you believe this push came from a fat joke?#to some of may sounds stupid like you ended up taking a mental health break because of a fat joke#but it was the final nail in the coffin#i try to do everything to be nice and to be a good kid and none of that matters because I'm fat#fine#okay yeah sure#and they bitch about me behind my back about how I'm bad with money and how i gain weight and how my depression is an inconvenience#cause it's not because they care#it's never been because they care it's because they know I won't fight back about it#i said i wasn't sad and i was managble but I'm not#but i think anyone else in my situation would be angrier and sadder#my own family makes me feel lonely#the entire family#because people only call me when they need something#and i wanted to act like i do it to people please#i don't#if i don't do it they act like I'm selfish for putting myself first
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im gonna put together a longer post after this for my other reactions but im putting this one here separately because i think it encapsulates my thoughts on this version of simm!master and its. they don’t really capture how he antagonizes the doctor. and what i mean is he simply would not let the doctor monologue at him like he does when twelve’s going off at him and missy. like ten fucking tries So Many Times to talk at the master, and consistently, the master cuts him off, snaps out a joke about whatever serious topic the doctor wants. he just doesn’t let it get that far, you know?
the stand-out moments he does are, from what i remember, the end of last of the time lords, when he literally Can’t stop the doctor from monologuing at him because he’s become jesus through Thought Power or some shit. and then the end of time moment we all love, stone-cold brilliant, which is a complete reversal where the doctor is the one (seemingly) securely powerless. when they’re on equal footing, he simply does not let the doctor talk at him.
and like yeah, the ‘didn’t listen to a word you just said’ thing is funny but. god, i don’t know how to put it. yeah, he would have listened. that’s why he always cuts the doctor off when the doctor tries to connect on the his terms rather than the master’s. that’s why he doesn’t let him monologue at him. that’s why he’s practically shouting over the doctor to be heard first.
if that makes any goddamn sense. do his bastardness properly, moffat. he would not fucking do that.
#he wouldnt have let the doctor get a word in. thats what. and isnt that a better contrast to missy than not listening at all?#maybe a more nuanced one. you know?#you know you can either have. missy listens and the master doesn’t. or you can have missy listens and the master won’t. doesn’t want to.#does that make sense?#dw lb#dw 10x12#cannot emphasize enough that im not at all in my complaining about simm!master in this episode#saying. well one. not saying i dislike the episode. this is just a standout weakpoibt in an overall masterful finale. huh. huh. see what i#did there? anyway.#and two. it is not. im not saying ‘wah why is he being so mean :(‘ i dont want him to be nicer. i want him to be his awful little rat of a#self. just. in a way that fits. you know i feel very easily he could have Been more like the master of EoT and still done everything he doe#in this episode if you just leaned more into the horror of him realizing just how much missy has changed to appease the doctor.#drop the line where he goes ‘ugh do you have empathy now that you’re a woman?’ and replace it with something like. ‘did the doctor loan you#one of his bleeding hearts?’#i get why he’s sexist towards bill. he does that. he knows how to use human bigotry to get under someone’s skin.#but like. why is he being sexist towards herself. missy barely even recognizes herself as a woman beyond when it’s a fun bit part to play.#i guess im saying that some nuance here would be nice. he knows needling at missy about her gender wouldn’t upset her. nipping at her#behavior with the doctor would. he’s gonna go for the throat on that. not on having tits.#we did get that one bit. ‘i don’t know what you see in him.’ that works a little.#but anyway. ive said what i wanted to say.
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I wish tumblr had a mute account feature so you dont have to block someone. they can still see your posts, interact with you, and show up in your notifications, but they don't show up on your dash/for you/tags page.
there's this one person I don't follow and also doesn't follow me who narrates their daily life and their posts show up on my for you page every day. like 10 of them a day. I keep hitting "not interested in this post" and they show up again 5 posts down. I have never interacted with their posts outside of that even once so I don't understand why they keep appearing. i don't want to block because they did nothing wrong. but their long posts about their life multiple times a day when I dont care are very annoying. tumblr. stop showing them to me!
also, a mute feature would mean I can complete mutuals with nice people so they feel good and not think I hate them or something, especially if they want to be friends. then I don't have to see their posts if all they post about is stuff I don't like/care about. i'm trying to make tumblr my "happy place" where I can escape all the bad things in the world and my life and look at pictures of my narrow special interests to try to convince my brain there's still good in the world
#lee rants#i made the mistake of mutualing one wrong person and now im always bombarded by political posts i dont wanna see#i try to make my tumblr dash my “happy” internet place where i only follow people that post exclusively stuff i like#if i want politics and media i domt care about and a bunch of negativity i go to twitter#im being way more particular here because self care or something. it just means i cant mutual every nice person#and they'll probably be upset about it and not want to talk to me again or something 😅#ive mutual'd a few people at the start that post things i dont care about and now i spend a lot of time scrolling past things i wanna ignore#i dont need more of that so im being extra picky now. could be fixed if the FOR YOU PAGE DIDN'T SHOW PEOPLE YOU FOLLOW#make them separate so i dont scroll through dash and for you and see the same posts multiple times!#or let me “not interested in this post” the people i follow! (and also on the tags page. many irrelevant tagged posts! the spam is bad!)#tumblr has so much it can improve on and instead theyre doing useless unhelpful things!
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bitching abt my partner again so i can get it out of my system and not let it fester
had a Discussion yesterday and i said how i didn't like that i, someone who naturally wakes up early and has to go to bed around 11-midnight to get decent sleep, have been spending the last few months either sleep deprived or forced to use sleeping pills to sleep, when he sleeps in til fucking noon, even on the two days we both have off and can, yk, spend time doing things in the morning together, and then he complains that we never do anything outside (bc we live in florida. anything after noon is just a fucking sauna.)
anyways. i ask if he can start waking up earlier. he says he'll wake up at 10 today. i go, ok, thank you, but what does that prove? that you can do it once? i've been changing my schedule for months. i want to hear that you'll try to do it consistently. (And 10 isn't early anyways, but i didn't say that). he insists he's going to do it. makes sure i see him set an alarm in front of me and everything. so anyways. 10:01 i get a text that he's going to sleep a little more.
man.
#i also asked him to wash his hair more often bc he has REALLY nice long hair but its always fuckin greasy#unless he has some formal performance or i ask him to wash it#and he said hed wash it tonight and like. thanks. but like. can you maybe stsrt doing it without reason or me having to ask you#like a fucking toddler#anyways my hopes arent high#and its so fuckign pathetic that ill be thrilled if i come over to see him and its washed#honestly.#every day im closer and closer to just. breaking up#i love him. i reqlly do#but i think i love what he could be more than what hes actually willing to be#and its so upsetting#bc its judt.#if he says he wants me to do something#i fucking do it#i got a fucking minimum wage soulsucking job bc he said he thought having more steady income and a routine would help me#and it does. but he also complains now when i have to sleep at 9pm so i can get up for morning shifts#but he also complains when i work during the times he has off#and its not like. a controlling way at all. for the record. trust me on that#its just the like. Frustrating way. like suck it up and cope buttercup i am the one who is dealing with more right now.#in that situation at least#this got long but#you see my point#its just. so upsetting.#and again. i love him#i do#hes great in so many aspects and he has the same goals and its all so Good#but. god. fuck.#is this really what i want to deal with for the rest of my life when i know i can be perfectly happy and fulfilled in life without a partne
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#bro i know it sounds silly but i feel so fucking stupid for still struggling w my mh the way that i do#like it’s so embarrassing i’m literally bullying myself in my brain to the point of wanting to relapse and for what reason?#my brain is just so fucked up? and the one therapist i was actually honest with dumped me bc i was too complicated???#like i swear to goooood it’s just easier to *** but like how do you get over that feeling of just not being good enough or stable enough#or smart enough or nice enough#genuinely not sure if it’s the stress or anxiety or if i’m really just not good enough for this#i can’t tell if i’m being dramatic or if it’s my bpd making me upset or if how i feel is justified and i literally have nobody to tell me#just a rant bc i’m so fucking sad i could do something bad about it but im consciously not does that mean anything?
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Hmmmm
#griffin's diary🪦#i feel like every day i get a little braver#sorry i keep talking about the same thing but im really excited about getting a haircut#i feel like im gonna be the happiest little guy at the barber#i think ill get an eyebrow notch#i hope my mom isnt too mad#after that i might go to hot topic and get something to celebrate#i havent even called yet but im really really excited so im making plans#ill try to call tomorrow!#i just hope this feeling doesn't go away... i wanna actually go out and do stuff and make friends hopefully#i wish my uni had clubs bc i would join one#be the change you want there to be in the world... yeah but i dont know if im brave enough for that yet#i hope so though#it would be nice to have an irl friend#i dont think I'm just shy i do think ive got some sort of social anxiety...#cos do shy people physicially shake when you do group social project in class? i don't think thats the norm?#i really considered dropping out of a class at the beginning of the semester bc i learned there would be a presentation as the final#i was really upset about it. didnt turn out to be that bad thankfully#im gonna stop before this fully turns into a vent i wanna preserve my happy mood
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is there anything worse than feeling like ur the only one putting any effort into all of your relationships. el oh el
#feels like this with all my friendships tbh#im like the only one ateting conversations individually or in the group chat#im the only one trying to make plans#(except when they make plans without me 😭)#ughhhh im trying not to be insecure and needy but its so hard bc it really does feel like nobody wants me around until they need something#and i cant even talk abt it bc first of all i dont want to upset anyone esp the one living w me rn#but also it feels like im already the one doing all the talking and i did share some personal stuff recently#i want to communicate and keep conversations going and open up bc we're usually all very supportive of eachother and share things#but i feel like im the only one doing that#anyway.#misery#this is a good problem to have compared to most of my life i've never really had close friends before this#its just depressing and upsetting#i was already in a pretty bad insecure place before all the drama lately amd hadn't shared bc i knew it was irrational#but now ita way worse and with everything going on i cant even talk abt itttt#i hate this i hate it#not to be bitter but i've been thinking abt that saying if you want a good friend be one and 🤨#all my friends do is use me honestlyyyyy ✌️🤪#they want a place to stay for free but can't be bothered to talk to me ever or invite me when they make plans with our friends lol#they're always begging me to put together these bonfire parties they like bc i have a nice yard but its a lot of work#and nobody helps me set it up and they begggg me to do it when the weather is bad and i dont want to but i do it anyway#then they exclude me from things#literally lisa simpson they're using you for your pool.gif#i dont even have a pool tho#anywayyy i hate feeling like an afterthought when im in the group and literally no one ever seeks me out unless they want something#and im trying so hard to be a good friend bc im just so glad to have friends but nobody seems to want me around or want to talk to me#and i dont want to be annoying 😭#also im the oldest in the group but not by choice there's just no girls my age in our orbit#my only adult friends are middle aged and the only one im close ish to just moved out of state#anyway im not that much older they're mostly young twentties and im mid twenties
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ik there's a lot of debate about how palia is mixing heavy lore into what's supposed to be a relaxing, coxy life sim but also like,,, i feel like the way they're doing it now is literally fine?
the lore is definitely part of the world and the quests, but there's literally no in game timer or consequences. nothing bad happens if a player doesn't want to complete the temple bundles or skips lore dialogue or puts certain quests on the back burner (and you can choose to not see certain quests on the main ui so there's no stress there either). like,, i get that the lore Is heavy and that some people don't want that in their cute farming sim but again, there's literally nothing forcing players to interact with or care about it. i genuinely do not see the issue??
#like?? im not trying to be mean#if anyone has insight on this and could explain Why its such a big deal thatd be nice!#but i really just dont get it?#like who cares if the cozy life sim game has a dark lore when you arent forced to care about it at all#completing the temples literally just gives you some resources and rewards#there's zero consequences for not finishing the lore quests or the temples#and like maybe im wrong but i seriously doubt the devs are going to add monster fighting mechanics in the future#like Maybe but i really doubt it#and even if they do its probably just going to be like hunting?#idk man like i keep seeing discourse about the lore being too much for the game and its like..#you dont have to care? youre not forced to interact with it? there is zero consequence if all you do is farm and fish?#so whyyy are people upset or worried about the future state of the game??#if they meant it to be an intense gory action fighting horror game then it wouldve been like that from the start#like im sorry but theyre not going to add something like that to a game theyve always marketed as a cozy life sim/mmo 😭#if theres a high demand for it maybe theyll make a second game or create content like a fucking webtoon aldhg#but theyre most likely not going to introduce it to the core game#like i feel like this fear is really unfounded? the devs havent said anything about changing the tone of the game?#theyve always stated that no matter what happens with the lore they want the game to be a safe and comforting space for players#so Why would they add gore or horror or force players to interact with the lore#what!!
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#personal#my mom told me yesterday my brothers paying to have my door replaced today or tomorrow bc he misses me and thinks is affecting our#relationship badly#and she wasn’t supposed to tell me but i’m glad she did cause like#she tried saying she’s getting it replaced immediately grilled her on where the fuck she got that money since i know we have more important#issues and she IMMEDIATELY snitched#anyway i feel complicated. thank you for the door. that you already said you would do. what was the point of all of this#and i’m re reading the messsges maybe i was too mean but also 8 months no door and everyone being mean to me about it#he told my mom he misses me and she said how sweet it was to hear that and i should consider just. letting this go#and she doesn’t want to minimize the door or what it represents beyond just the door#but didn’t really get it when i was like it matters if he’s doing this bc he misses me or bc he thinks he did anything wrong#like he can do both but. i just want to know he’s not thinking i’m some brat for asking for something? normal? or that this won’t happen#again cause this always happens.#she was like isn’t it more romantic that he misses you so much he doesn’t care if he’s right or wrong? girl what the fuck are you on#anyway i feel weird bc like. it’s nice but i didn’t need him to shell this out#and i feel oddly like a brat to get this expressed done from when i said im upset with him#like 20 days later but feels fast. and i wish he could have reached out and talked to me#but also i’ve been so angry and resentful i don’t know if i’d want to talk especially if it’s just the same convo over and over#i don’t need grand gestures i just wish this stuff wouldn’t happen in the first place#and i’m worried that after the door my mom will get upset if i’m still upset with my brother after#and i’m not sure how he thinks we’re gonna get back to talking if i can’t acknowledge he got the door.#like can’t be like hey thanks! also we need to talk about how you use money instead of ur words.#like in this case i genuinely really needed the door but also it’s just hard to be like hey you did this thing that was unacceptable#also thanks for the full tank of gas dinner and 100 bucks. unprompted. anyway it’s unacceptable-#like it sounds stupid right? anyway i don’t know if he’ll tell me or just try to slide back into talking without ever talking about it#i don’t know and i feel like an asshole no matter what route i go#but will say funny i hid that he broke it from him and he’s hiding that he’s fixing it for me something something#i just feel weird about it. i miss him but also don’t miss getting shit from him or the other one lately i’m just#honestly doing my own thing and just getting through the day or enjoying it too much to think about him sometimes#but i do miss him and i don’t want to be constantly fighting or arguing with my family. it’s not a nice feeling.
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