#IDK WHO TO PULL FOR ANYMORE
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All my pulling plans have been ruined now bc I thought HuoHuo was gonna rerun with Firefly….
#ONLY NOW I FIND OUT SHE WONT???????#WHAT THE FUCK#IDK WHO TO PULL FOR ANYMORE#I COULDVE GOTTEN ROBIN#sobs#I might get firefly or Ruan Mei…haven’t decided which of em#and after that I’ll probably save until those new xianzhou characters#I just hope ratio won’t get a rerun too soon bc I want his light cone + eidolons#so I need to save for that too :/#ugh#txt#star rail#hsr 2.3
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⋆˚࿔ CUDDLING THE AEONS 𝜗𝜚˚⋆
TW: might seem ooc, we don't know much about them yet lol, i gave them a humanoid/human body, just found out Xipe has 3 faces, lol i never saw it
SUMMARY: They cuddle their lover, most devoted follower...or their equal...
CHARACTERS: Aeons x F!Reader
WORD COUNT: 2.536
A/N: bet yall can't guess my favorite aeon + my fav path
Aha
Each arm loops around your body, pulling you close against Aha's chest, your back to THEIR front. A leg is hooked across your hip, trapping you in the tight, warm embrace of all of THEIR limbs. THEY giggle delighted into your neck as THEY try to pull you in even further. You can feel the press of THEIR mouth against the back of your neck, THEIR breath warm like a cat purring against your skin.
"I love you," THEY mutter into your hair, THEIR voice quiet like a prayer. Unusual from THEIR usual loud voice and demeanor. THEY chuckle against your neck, THEIR breath fanning over your skin, sending little tingles down your spine. "I'm gonna eat you," THEY whisper against your ear, voice full of feigned malice, THEIR mouth stretching into a smile against your skin.
"You're mine, now." THEY snicker, their arms tightening around your body as they pull you a little closer, a little tighter, as if THEY could press the air from your lungs. "You're never escaping me...maybe i put you in a cage?" THEY tease, nuzzling the back of your neck, THEIR voice low and gravely in your ear.
"You're mine. Every little bit of you. From those pretty little ears all the way to those cute feet…"
Akivili
Akivili sighs happily and rests THEIR head against your chest. Every muscle in THEIR body goes lax and THEY practically melt against you. THEY'RE completely and utterly relaxed in your arms. "It's been too long..." you whisper mindlessly. "Too long." A longsuffering sigh escapes THEM as THEY press THEMSELVES closer into your arms, eyes closed blissfully, THEIR ear resting over your heartbeat.
"Much too long," THEY mutter, voice quiet and full of longing. THEY shift a little, moving to bury THEIR face against the crook of your neck, THEIR hair falling over your shoulder, soft as snow against your skin. THEY'RE silent for a few moments, simply breathing in your presence, lost in your scent, in the feeling of your skin on THEIR cheek.
"Trailblazing..." THEY mumble, "we should go again, like all this time before."
"You can't go one second with trailblazing, huh?"
"No."
Ena
Ena buries THEIR head into your chest and takes a shuddering breath. The sound of your heart beating against THEIR ear calms them like no other sound in the world ever could. It's almost...harmonic. THEY lift a hand and gently place it over the spot where your heart rests, as if THEY might feel life itself passing under your skin.
THEY have come undone, unravelled into the person they truly are. Vulnerable. Soft. And yet they feel safest in your arms. Your love is one of the few things that ground THEM. Your love is only towards THEM, you're loyal, ordered and THEIRS. Ena slowly moves, shifting a little to slide one of THEIR legs between yours. One of THEIR hands begins to wander. THEY can feel you against THEM with every movement they make, the way your body arches at THEIR touch.
"How do you feel human?" THEY ask, voice low and smooth as silk. The hand that is not gently trailing down your arm comes to rest on your hips, gently forcing you to hold still against THEM. THEIR touch is both soft and demanding, THEIR lips slowly working THEIR way down your neck until THEY reach your collarbone. Ena knows every spot to make you shiver, every place to make the heat inside you grow.
THEY continue to speak, although THEIR words are mostly meaningless. "You're mine. Don't forget that you are."
Fuli
Fulis chest is hard and cool to the touch, like glass. You can't feel THEIR heartbeat— there is no pulse beneath your fingertips. Fuli is still as a statue beneath you, only THEIR breathing telling you he's alive. The way THEIR chest rises and falls is like a wave, slow and measured against your body.
One of Fuli's hands lifts, slender fingers gently tracing along your chin, lifting your face up to meet THEIRS. THEIR eyes—blue like the cold of glaciers, grey as the rain—meet your own gaze.
"Look at me," they murmur. THEIR voice is just as gentle as their touch as they guide your chin up. "I want to look at you."
The hand cupping your chin moves, now, tracing along your jawline. Fuli’s index finger slowly traces just beneath the corner of your mouth.
"I want to crave you into my mind."
HooH
The equilibrium blinks, startled, then slowly relaxes, your weight on THEM familiar as the earth. Slowly, THEY bring THEIR hands to rest on your sides.
THEIR touch is unhurried, THEIR breath against your skin quiet. THEY carefully adjust, shifting themselves to make sure that you lie more to the left. Every move is precise, calculated to ensure that no symmetry is ruined. THEIR eyes never leave your face, watching you with the same intense devotion. Once you're settled, THEY fall still, their body taut against yours. THEIR hands continue to rest, feather-light, on your sides. THEY reach for your hair, fingers gentle. THEY carefully card through the strands, fixing it. Both hands move in perfect synchronization, as if the fingers on both were connected.
THEY keep fixing your hair for a long while, their face close to yours.
"Perfect."
IX
IX does not protest when you gather them in your arms as you found THEM in this endless black void. You always knew exactly where THEY were. THEIR body stiffens like a statue for a moment, a slight shiver trailing down THEIR spine, then THEY relax in your embrace. THEIR muscles uncoil slowly, until THEY'RE limp against you.
THEY don't pull away. THEY can't bring themself to. Not when THEY'RE warm in your arms. Not when the black void is so quiet around THEM and all they can hear is the soft sigh of THEIR own breaths. IX lifts their head from your chest and props THEMSELVES up on THEIR elbow, looking down at you with silent eyes and a tender expression. THEY lift their free hand to your cheek, THEIR touch feather-soft against your skin.
IX can't speak, bit THEIR actions tell enough. With incredible tenderness, THEY press a slow kiss to your jawline, then your neck.
You are everything for THEM.
Idrilla
THEY is practically lying on top of your body. THEY rest THEIR head on your shoulder, THEIR hair spilling down over your chest as THEY press against you. THEY feel safe here. Right in the crook of your neck, with the weight of your arm around THEM, your warmth surrounding them like a shield.
THEY let out a contented sigh, THEIR eyes fluttering shut as they nuzzle closer to you. "You're so warm," THEY murmur, the words half-hidden in your skin. Idrilla can practically feel your pulse against THEIR forehead, the thump-thump-thump of your heart a constant presence in THEIR ear. It's a comforting beat, steady and strong, like a soothing melody.
THEY rest their hand on your chest, right over your heart. THEIR fingers drum against your skin in time with the rhythm, almost subconsciously, as if to memorize every heartbeat with THEIR touch.
"I'm quite jealous my love, you are almost as beautiful as me...maybe even more beautiful...especially in my eyes and to my eyes only."
Lan
Lan is holding you from behind. THEY have one arm wrapped around you, fingers interlocking with yours. THEY have THEIR face pressed into your hair, THEIR breath gentle against your neck.
THEY'RE ’re not moving, merely holding onto you. It’s like THEY don’t want to let you go, even for a moment. Lan is completely silent, just holding you. THEIR fingers squeeze yours gently, THEIR thumb tracing the lines of your own, mapping out the shape of your hand beneath THEIRS.
THEY close their eyes and press THEIR forehead against your neck. Even the sound of THEIR breathing is measured, as if THEY'RE ’re trying to be as still as possible.
"Always," Lan vows. THEY shift behind you, pulling you even closer against THEIR chest.
"Always," THEY say again, a promise that rings in the air. "I'll watch over you. No matter what." Lan keeps you tight against THEM, every part of THEM pressed up against you. It's like THEY'RE trying to make sure you can't get away. "I will keep you safe." THEY say softly, THEIR voice as gentle as summer air.
"No one will harm you, I swear it."
Mythus
Mythus is holding you in THEIR arms; THEY are wrapped around your waist, THEIR chest pressed against your back. THEY is holding you so, so carefully. Like THEY is scared of harming you even though it is quite impossible
THEY inhale deeply, taking in the scent of your skin, feeling the comforting beat of your heart. Mythus mouths at the sensitive spot behind your ear, teasing it softly with the tip of THEIR tongue.
THEY can feel your shiver; how your body jerks, ever so slightly, at the contact. THEY'RE encouraged, emboldened perhaps, and continue to tease the sensitive skin behind your ear, leaving little nips and kisses across the flesh there. THEY can't help the chuckle that escapes THEM as they see the goosebumps rise on your body. THEY continue to tease the flesh, THEIR teeth worrying at the skin.
"Sensitive one, aren't you?" THEY mutter against your neck.
Nanook
Nanook is a warm presence beside you, pressing up against your back. One arm slings lazily across your waist, pulling you tight against THEIR chest. Nanook rests THEIR face against the back of your head and sighs. Nanook's arm tightens ever so slightly, shifting you a little closer against THEM. THEY press THEIR head against your shoulder, THEIR silvery hair spilling across your skin.
There isn't a sound in the room but the gentle rise and fall of your breaths; each of Nanook's exhales brushes across your neck like a sigh of contentment.
THEY are perfectly still, as if THEY are afraid you'll bewak from THEIR grip if they move a muscle. THEY don't want to break you ever, THEY want you in one full piece.
"Don't move, or I'll tighten my grip on you."
Nous
Nous lies on THEIR side, with THEIR head resting gently in your lap. THEIR eyes are closed, THEIR breathing slow and steady. THEY are completely enveloped by the feeling of your hand on THEIR hair, by the weight of your body next to THEM.
Nous shifts slightly, THEIR hand brushing against your leg. THEY murmur something to THEMSELF, but the word that leaves THEIR mouth is unintelligible. THEY lie still for a moment, THEIR breathing steady, as THEY take in the sensation of your fingers on THEM.
Nous head stays still against your thighs, THEY stay laying as if trying to commit this moment to memory. To remember this feeling.
"Why did your pulse quicken?"
"H-Huh?!"
"I know you better than yourself."
Oroboros
Oroboros rests THEIR upper body against your chest, head leaned against your shoulder. The creature curled around you lets out a quiet sound and THEY reach back to gently pat it with a slim hand.
"This is nice," THEY say finally, THEIR eyes slowly fluttering shut. "I could eat you up-! They want it too, ain't that right?"
The creatures let out another sound, a sound of approval. Oroboros's eyelids flutter shut as THEY nuzzle THEIR face into the crook of your neck and nip on your skin. A quiet sigh drifts through the air as THEY relax against you, slender shoulders losing their ever-present stiffness.
THEIR body against yours is surprisingly warm, a gentle heat like the summer sun against THEIR soft skin. The creature wrapped around the two of you lets out a low sound of contentment. The feel of its smooth scales and yours mixed with Oroboro's is an oddly pleasant one....a slimy one.
Qlipoth
Qlipoth is lying in your arms, THEIR head resting on your shoulder, THEIR face buried against your neck.
THEIR eyes are closed, the faint puffs of THEIR breaths hitting your skin as THEY hold you close. THEY nuzzle against you, burying THEIR face against you, THEIR arms wrapped around your waist. Qlipoth lets out a soft sigh, completely content in your embrace. THEY press THEMSELVES closer against you, seeking any bit of contact they can get.
THEY bury their face against your neck, the puffs of THEIR breaths ghosting across your skin and heating you from the inside out.
THEY tighten their grip on your waist, almost as if to stop THEMSELVES from letting you go. "I love you," they whisper, voice low and quiet.
"So you need to stay with me."
Tayzzyronth
Tayzzyronth feels complete when THEY are curled against your chest. Your skin is soft to the touch, and THEIR mind is blissfully calm. In the silence of your cuddling, all THEY hear is the sound of your breath, your heartbeat. All that matters is you.
THEIR head is tucked in against your collarbone. "I want a baby," THEY whisper, the words spoken with an almost desperate longing. "Nothing new." "I know." THEY bury themself against you again, nuzzling their face against your neck with a little sigh. "I still want one. I can't stop thinking about it."
Tayzzyronth lifts THEIR head, and THEIR mouth is at your ear as they speak. THEIR voice is hoarse with quiet hunger. "You'd look so beautiful pregnant." THEY draw the tip of their tongue along the edge of your earlobe. "If I did that to you… just the thought…"
Xipe
Xipe leans closer to you, THEIR hair catching the light and making THEM look almost angelic. THEY rest their heads on your chest and close THEIR eyes, letting THEMSELF melt into your arms. THEY are at peace, here with you.
THEY stay there, listening to the sound of your heartbeat and breathing in your scent. "Your heart..." THEIR voice is little more than a breath, soft enough to shiver in a summer breeze. THEY keep their head against your chest, the sound of your heartbeat comforting like the rhythm of waves on a sandy beach.
"Your heart beats faster with me," THEY murmur. THEY pause, lifting their head to look up at you, eyes shimmering.
"It's like a drum." A pause. Something vulnerable flickers across THEIR face. "It's like you are scared to let me go."
Yaoshi
Yaoshi leans closer instinctively and buries THEIR face in your hair, THEIR nose brushing against your neck. THEY don’t speak for a moment, content with simply being close to you.
THEIR lips are soft against your skin.
“You smell nice,” THEY murmur, the words coming out as a low rumble. "So tasty." Yaoshi shifts against you, THEIR arms sliding around your waist. THEY pull you closer, a silent display of THEIR need for you, THEIR want for you.
“I could lie with you forever.” THEY boop your nose. THEIR hands wander, almost idly running up your side, tracing the curves of your body as if THEY want to commit your figure to memory. Yaoshis fingers slip along the exposed skin of your back, pausing to press a palm against your spine.
“You’re mine now."
#honkai star rail x reader#honkai star rail#hsr x reader#hsr aeons#hsr#aeon#aeon x reader#Pulling out humanized aeons out of my ass was hard ngl#So ooc i swear but who cares??#Some people for sure#But hey yall got your fav Nannook and Yaoshi#Cool right?#Ik#hsr aha#hsr akivili#Hsr hooh#hsr nanook#Hsr oroboros#hsr ena#hsr xipe#hsr ix#Hsr nous#Hsr Lan#Hsr Tayzzyronth#Idk anymore#I'm tired sooo yay#:3#If you read my random tag thoughts type :-] cause idk its cute
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HOPE "Scrooge" MIKAELSON in LEGACIES S2E08 "This Christmas Was Surprisingly Violent"
#legacies#tvedit#hope mikaelson#legaciesedit#hmikaelsonedit#tvdverseedit#tvarchive#televisiongifs#teendramaedit#tvcentric#christmasedit#mikaelsongifs#dailyhizzie#cinemapix#tvfilmsource#gifs*#idk who to tag for legacies anymore its been YEARS#and do you guys know how abhorrent the lighting in this episode is and yet I somehow pulled off something decent#truly impressed with my coloring abilities after this one
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kris guštin // danaë gustav klimt // the fallen angel aexandre cabanel // bojan cvjetićanin
#kris guštin#bojan cvjetićanin#joker out#damon baker#i feel so obnoxious for this. sorry#unironically pulled out my 5 kilo gustav klimt artbook and looked through it today#to see if there were anymore paintings that reminded me of the kris photos#there was like one but that was a stretch so#also i was fighting for my life trying to figure out how to credit the photos like. can someone PLEASE just post them#edit: IDK if the the links arent working. whatever. who care
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hong kong miku,,,
#hopping on the trend jumpscare i’m from hong kong surprise#i haven’t seen that many hk mikus around#lowkey chat i think i kinda ate with this one#however i will say i am coloring in the dark so if any colors look off that’s why#and also i haven’t opened this program in literal months i jumped straight into this no warmup no nothing#miku is what pulls me out of art block apparently i was locked in for 5 hours STRAIGHT#someone needs to teach me how to paint properly holy#not sure how i feel about the bottom left one but that was a quick one anyways#i am from hk originally but i haven’t been back in years so i have no idea about the culture other than food and mirror#OKAY let me explain the context#street food is a big thing in hk and quick and easy things like fish balls egg waffles and like siu mai and wonton noodles are popular#back then people really would just squat down on the side of the road or right in front of the shop to eat it and go#but i don’t think anyone does that anymore city life and all that#ohh i should have done instant noodles breakfasts god i loved those#if anyones from hk if you go to the causeway bay mtr station exit that leads up to the big road near sogo. do they still sell siu mai there#that shit was BANGER i remember asking for them all the time#a good majority of parents in hk would get their daughters ears pierced as a baby something about them not feeling as much pain idk#that’s just what i was told#i used the neon for her friendly standard greeting cause i wanted to incorporate the neon signs somehow without actually drawing a whole bg#lots of neon signs in hk. i heard they had to take them down cause of light pollution which is sad but understandable#everyone got their shoes from dr kong. at least when i was younger they did#boy band is self explanatory. i heard they’re really popular my mom listens to them#oh i had her messing with her shoes cause hk people move FAST. you stop for one second and you get shoved#so like a fun little allusion#gave her black roots just for fun. she is violating every school uniform code possible#this is all based off of my memory by the way so like. anyone who knows this better than i do hit me up#hatsune miku#miku from my culture#jellos scribbles#i haven’t tag yapped in so long welcome back my love i missed you
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starting to feel my enjoyment of cooking seeping back in after a long period of intense burnout that had me really slogging along preparing meals with gritted teeth for a good month there. i credit the return of this spark to the much needed break i took on our 3 day vacation that resulted in us eating solely theme park food. while delicious, in all its greasy overpriced glory, i found myself missing the kitchen. so last night for dinner i made heavily spiced chicken wings with crushed peppercorns and garam masala that rendered slowly in its own fat while roasting in the oven, resulting in flavorful charred crisp skin and a really juicy bite. we picked them clean over steamed rice with lime and scallions. i also baked a loaf of marbled pumpkin and dark chocolate bread yesterday for my neighbor as a thank you for doing me a favor last week. it looked delicious. the crumb was tender and plush and velvety, the spiced ginger molasses pumpkin batter swirling alongside the bitter dark chocolate espresso batter, with puddles of dark chocolate bubbling across its top. it looked so lovely i whipped up a second one for us to have for ourselves that's in the oven now, i think it could be a really good breakfast pastry for us this week.
#ugh it feels sooooooooo good to be enjoying cooking again#it was so bad the last like month or so i just#have been sooooo burnt out#it's genuinely insane what a 3 day vacation can do to reset you :(( it makes me sad lol#i wish that everyone could rest to their hearts content forever#i think i am someone who is extremely prone to burnout and i need about quadruple the amount of quiet alone resting time#that the average person does#so when i get burned out its like excruciating to pull myself out of it again#but im also the primary cook of my household so there isn't really time to take a break and recharge and find my joy for it because#we have to eat lol#3 times a day#every day#forever#BUT#i am feeling so much better about things now after making that dinner and baking a little bit#its feeling soooo autumnal around here lately too which helps#the changing of the seasons is so good for my cooking motivationg#idk#i was feeling pretty depressed that i was starting to resent cooking for a while there since when i enjoy it it's like#life-giving#soul sustaining#wonderful hobby that gives my life purpose and meaning#and it was breaking my heart that i wasn't feeling that way anymore#but i can feel myself coming back#writing about food helps me too#something about describing it#and sharing it with other people who are delighted by it#makes me enjoy it a little extra#sigh#i feel like im returning to myself finally !!!
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just saw all the fan translations and if this is accurate (i don’t fully trust the fan translaters ngl) then this is the saddest fucking ending mha could have gotten. and i already don’t like the original ending. but this shit? is heartbreaking
#not even talking about the ship confirmed#just everything in that f chapter#no matter if you ship them or not bkdk’s relationship/rivalry/friendship has been the foundation of the manga#together with izuku wanting to be a hero so so bad#and this ch makes it feel like izuku conpletely dismisses katsuki and any attempt of him to connect to him#and that bit of advice katsuki gave him? that led to izuku pursuing ochako#was def not about them#it feels more like katsuki was trying to pull izuku’s attention towards how kat treats him special and is trying hard to like#connect to him#and for izuku to completely misunderstand that just shows that he doesn’t understand katsuki anymore or doesn’t care to#anyways this is just so f sad for anyone who cared about their dynamic in any way#you could have confirmed izuocha without like?:!:?: taking deku’s whole soul out of your story#he just feels so?:!?: like a shell of himself to me idk like i don’t recognise him#bnha#bnha leaks#bnha spoilers#bkdk
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Carla cutting off Betsy's pile-on in her defence without even looking up hit me harder than the car that clipped Swain
#swarla#carla connor#betsy swain#lisa swain#carla x lisa#carla: ok she kNoWs#because she knows Swain spends her life kicking off at herself before everyone else#And even if she's hurt she's still going to let it go#Because its LISA#Carla adopted betsy and claimed custody today#Pulled the castle drawbridge back up for herself leaving Swain in the moat#Lisa fell so hard she needs a personal EMT after this.#Idk which one is more masochistic#Carla for falling for a reckless grieving grumpy cat who does a great line in the art of pushing people away as well as she used to do#OR Swain for finally finding someone immune to her hall of mirrors defence systems. Like possibly a former purveyor of them for example#Cause old school Carla had Fort Knox Walls#She's just taken far more shit than Lisa at this point to actually be scared of it anymore#Carla 'once-more-into-the-breach' Connor everyone#Someone tell me to shut up#They just won't LEAVE ME#Call me when they get married
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fun things to talk about with your terminally-online nephew this thanksgiving
that time jake paul forced an elderly man out of retirement just to kick his ass
skibidi toilet
#jam#i’m only 50% sure i remembered which paul brother and i am not going to google it#do the kids even like jake paul anymore ?? or his audience entirely kids who watched him as teenagers but theyre 22 now ??#idk pull this shit if your nephew is 22 idc#get him drunk and start yelling abt jake paul and skibidi toilet#see how he reacts
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I feel sick reading the testimonies from Al Shifa about Israeli soldiers [email protected] and [email protected] a pregnant woman and forcing her family to watch I really pray it's fake but this is the norm for Israel so...I wish I hadn't read it..
#everyday something new comes#it's so so sickening#no one who supports Israel is a human#You're all monsters#You're all willfully blind and deaf....you pull imaginary theories out of nothingness and try and justify your support for israel#fuck your theories and long paragraphs#none of you ever have anything to say about the shit Palestinians are going through everyday... documented in broad daylight#you expect everyone to believe the easily debunk-able lies that israel says#idk what to write anymore#palestine#free palestine#gaza#gaza strip#middle east#free gaza#fuck israel#monsters#israel#al shifa hospital
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i feel like a lot for me is clicking and i just can't with the AZ world anymore. the response to the p*ger thing has been balls to the walls insane
#im not speaking about people criticizing it in general#but rather the people claiming this was a massacre of civilians and that this is like one of the most evil things isr has ever done#bc like.#in a war characterized by civilian death this had actually an insanely low ratio of civilian to combatant death#and yes it's awful that a child died#but that is something that happens in war#and it's just becoming clear the my objection to the war in aza - the steep civilian death toll - is not most people's objection#bc we see a military action that killed i think what? 2 civilians?#and the response is that it's evil beyond belief and precedent#and. like.#that shows that your issue was never about civilians killed#it's that you disagree with the goal of destroying h*mas and don't see that as a just cause of war#bc ultimately a lot of these people are h*mas stans#like which we knew#but it goes beyond that. like#there are so many people who see all isr people as non-civilians#and all h*zbollah fighters as civilians#and it's just fucked beyond belief#i've known for months i can no longer organize in mainstream pro 🍉 spaces#but i'd thought the ✡️ ones were still better#and now im just. i don't want to go to AZ shuls anymore#an AZ yeshiva is having a retreat in nov and i don't even wanna go bc the roshei yeshiva have said some wack ass shit#im pulling myself out of these spaces#and that's been since before the p*ger thing#i haven't been back to an AZ shul i used to go to since october#bc i was there on oct 7#and there was a new member event and everyone was acting happy and normal#yes the rabbi said good and normal things before dancing but the fucking vibe. idk. i just can't#with the whole scene. the whole everything#im still with kl*ztronike for now but that's rough too. went to one in october and had to pull down a 'resist colonial power by any means
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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My legs are bruised up so bad from the amount they have been kicked. I put in my 2 weeks notice but I got a couple more days. The reason is Im back to school full time now, but also I am constantly being kicked, hit, punched, slapped, bit, my hair being pulled, and I am done.
I changed my major from special education to art education. :/
#and kids getting physical with me almost daily#(it was like 70% was one kid and i was woth him for like 2 months and i just couldn't do it anymore so i asked to be pulled)#but then guy who was now on him is gone like 1/2 the days#so im still with him and 1/2 the staff refuses to work with him so :/#the kid is going to a different program cuz he cant be in a classroom cuz hell just start kicking#hitting kids and bro idk man im just so tired#the joys of being a para#personal#rant
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i LOVE racing brand new cars and winning. Its almost. sexual
#civic disappointment#number who even knows anymore#theres only 1 civic around here that i cant beat and its a new type R civic thats been modified to hell and back#which i still consider a win bc rosie was 5k and idk what a brand new type r is but its NOT 5k#white base model civic today was def a manual and he really dumped it trying to pull on me. the whole nose pulled up but its like buddy#save your clutch dont do that when im going to whip by you like youre standing still anyways LMAO
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we're gonna put our rats up for adoption at the animal rescue. things are. bad. we can't keep their cage clean. grayson gets exhausted taking them out to play and i rarely join bc i just feel empty or disgusted or i start sobbing or wind up in pain or exhausted myself. so they don't get the amount of human interaction they deserve/need.
i feel awful about it. i feel sick. i don't know the last time i've felt like such an abject failure. not just as a person responsible for small lives but as a partner. grayson gets such joy from these boys, and they are so sweet to us too. i just. i can't even take care of myself. it isn't fair. it's not fair.
#keeping it fun and funky fresh#personal#the wild brunch#matty's mental health#i'm genuinely not okay. about any of this. about anything happening.#but the rats specifically are a real no-win scenario.#either 1) we pull the bandaid off & give them to the rescue. a clean (ish) break#we know they'll be fostered & adopted by ppl who will not just love them but will actually be able to take care of them#and they'll live out the rest of their lives with other rats who they'll get to know now while they're still middle-aged. & other people.#or 2) we keep them but continue the current plan to have them be our last batch of rats. they live in a habitat that we can't keep clean.#we're both wracked with guilt about this all the time. we keep exhausting ourselves doing what we can to keep things out of crisis mode#grayson gets to keep playing with them. i get to keep being miserable and More guilty every time i *don't* play with them#or just plain miserable every time i do#eventually they get older and their health goes downhill. one of them dies. i have a mental breakdown just like every other time#we rehome the other two. it's harder bc they're older and sicker and they miss their brother.#but they live out the (much less) rest of their lives with other rats. & other people.#in both scenarios we stop having rats. grayson is devastated either soon or later bc no more pets#while i'm wracked with guilt bc i feel very very very responsible for us not having rats anymore. and also devastated#bc i am. well. goodbyes are very bad for me.#which is why i feel responsible lmao bc last year i had like 4 straight months of ceaseless sobbing from all the back to back pet deaths#and i was like Listen. grayson. i can't do this anymore. i just can't. i can't keep having short-lived pets like this bc each death#feels like i'm being stabbed in the lungs over and over.#i guess technically option 3 is we keep having rats. we get another batch & introduce them. no rat off-ramp.#i just. keep getting stabbed in the lungs as they die. and we keep not being able to take care of them properly.#hey i didn't say it was a *good* option. but it is an option#pet death cw#idk how to tag the lungs metaphor.#injury cw#?
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ok my plans have been unfortunately altered due to ticketing nonsense but that’s ok we ball anyways
#took the L but did walk w my friend who’s visiting for like twenty minutes so that was nice#he’s the guy i was half in love w most of college who randomly stopped talking to me in like september/october ish#(who was also my best friend)#so i thought it was gonna be weird bc everything i know abt his life from october on#i’ve learned from other people randomly dropping that information#but then in our convo he said things that made me realize he’s actually been thinking abt me/getting updated on my life#(knew i lived next to a park. knew i had a 35hr work week. etc)#which like bro you can just REACH OUT it’s not fucking weird just bc we had a weird codependent bisexual4bisexual charged relationship#like that’s over my guy you have a gf we can be Normal we’ve pulled this off before#whateverrrrrr#no but i am happy he still cares about me#i kinda thought he just. didn’t anymore now that i wasn’t in proximity/wasn’t advantageous to be friends with#so idk nice to know he’s thought of me since we graduated
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