#I'm sure this is related to trauma somehow but whatever.

[bloogers-boogers]

More Marriage au ~

Adam was dragged to a small office for more privacy. He was never the problem?, what was this bitch talking about??

Anyways he was being questioned in almost everything that happened, felt and did while freshly married to Lucifer, it got to the point where it went too deep, and thats when it hit to his first marriage.

"So in the Bible it states you were married two times, is that true?"

"No. It only states when I was married to my awesome smocking hot ex wife: Eve~ and us being created."

"So that's a lie?"

"Not entirely, they just covered up the small mistakes, glossing the story up a bit."

"Which was?"

"Lilith. That unfaithful bitch. They covered her entire existence. Everything related to Lucifer, his rebellion, they didn't even stated his real name in the bible, cause he wasn't "worthy" of being recognized as his angel self. I personally think it would've been a lot more harsher if they kept his old name instead of Lucifer but whatever I guess. Then somehow those nosy ass theorists from the afertmath of Noah's shit load started looking into it too much and found actually more dirt in the hole, that revealed more to our creation. And that's how we got many split versions of it in different scriptures."

"What's his real name?"

"We're not allowed to say it. It's an angel thing."

"Prehistoric heaven stuff huh. But you're no longer a angel, your highness.."

"Fuck you. I was originally a angel before I was murdered totally unjustified btw. How does any of this information does anything in fixing my marriage?!"

The counselor scoffed, but kept her own opinion on that matter (exterminations) to herself. She's a marriage counselor not a therapist, and she wasn't getting paid enough anyways, "you were human. Originally human. Not an angel."

Now it was Adam's turn to scoff offended, but said nothing. He hated to see that side of him after his death on earth. It only brought bad memories, linked to only negative feelings, sorrow and thoughts.

"Tell me more about your marriage with Lilith."

"Pssch what's there to say? Where do I even start? What exactly do you want to know. I can go all into detail about how shit she was as my wife."

"Go on. Tell me everything you want to share, I'm here until 8 and your paying so.."

"More like aPplE hUbBy is paying for everything but whatever, took his card and shit HAHAHAHA! HAAAA," Adam snicker for himself, wiping a tear; thinking he was being funny. But he wasn't. At least for anyone else in the room which was just Gladis (counselor's name) and the only response she did was write a note to that comment.

Note one:

'Apple hubby. A subconscious, possible meaningful name for his spouse. If it referring to events of the bible, may mean about the whole apple incident (weak spot?) or it could be related to King Morningstar's obsession with apples (concerning). Or both.'

"Firstly she cheated on me. Obviously. That's the whole tea, bitch. Secondly she didn't agreed on anything I did, suggest or thought. It's like she wanted to be against everything I believed in. Nothing I did to impress her sastified her. She made ME question my entire faith and existence!" The more Adam spoke the more his pupils shrank by the dark memories of his past.

Note two:

'First wife trauma.'

"Then Lucifer shows up and POOF! Now everything that twink ass looking angel did was 'amazing' and worth looking forward to. He only sang and dance with her, ONCE, and it was like, her whole world turned around.. facing away from me..."

"And did Lucifer have any connections with you at the time? Did he also approach you when he firstly approached Lilith? Did you two spend time together? Talk? Bond?"

"More like it was all a whole distraction for their affair to continue."

"So you two did have a relationship."

"It's complicated."

"Why was it complicated, Adam?"

Adam's face soften in sadness. The question taking him off guard. He wasn't entirely sure?

What went wrong. What did he do, to not deserve Lucifer and Lilith's loyalty? Friendship, honesty.

Why wasn't he ever worth something. Enough.

"I have no fucking idea, man. I was literally perfect, still am and yet they wanted more than what they could bite and CHOKE on it in the progress."

"You're including Lilith in this. Why's that?"

"Because those two bastards were a team. The damage was done by both, all planned out and ready for what was gonna come. Got both me AND Eve. It's plural. I wish I could say I was alone in all this but I wasn't which is why it makes things hard to forgive and forget."

Note three:

'Gayass.'

"So how did you two end up falling in love?"

"We didn't, we kinda just poofed into existence already married and stuff."

"I meant you and King Lucifer."

"Just call him Lucifer he doesn't deserve that sorts of respect, he's an ass. A snake full of cock that doomed humanity."

"How did you and Lucifer get together," she asserted much more frustrated seeing Adam was getting nowhere to the subject in hand.

Adam then realized immediately everyone actually thought they were truly an item. Well this went awkward all of a sudden. So he decided to keep up the lie.

"I died."

"And—— what else?"

"Wdym 'what else'? Bitch wanted to complete the full set y'know. First dick, father of humanity, the only one that refused to join him. I'm basically his forbidden apple."

"And you just let him?"

"Sure. Why not? What's there to lose y'know. That's my jam. I just go with the flow. If it works for me then let it be damn and fuck me hard, I'm fucking doing it."

"Adam, are you taking this session seriously?"

Adam in response digs his pinky finger inside his ear with indifference, "Look. I just want answers, babe. I don't want spiritual solutions or tips. Tell me how to fix this."

She sighed, "when was the last time you two were intimate?"

"WOW, wow. WOAH. Where going to that territory now? Little tea maker right here but whateves."

So Adam went on full detail on one of his sex escapes back in heaven, plastering Lucifer’s name on whatever freak he has fucked in the last centuries. He was not in any way gonna go on about sex with Lucifer (they did it only two times; one outta traditional terms, the second we don’t talk about the fucking second.) that shit was private and humiliating to say the least.

He blushed. Just the thought of Lucifer’s claws running down his skin and his fangs digging through his neck and wings. It sent shivers down his spine. Made his throat go all dry and his limbs all numb.

Previous >> Next

[cynicalundead]

friendly reminder that REGARDLESS of someone's actions or your personal hatred of them, fakeclaiming (of trauma, systemhood, or otherwise, whatever) is NEVER OKAY!! and ALWAYS hurts someone you didn't intend to hurt!!!

you cannot be anti-fakeclaiming and say "I don't like this person so I'm pretty sure they're faking" or "this person is hateful/rude/bigoted/unpleasant so there's no way they're really [thing]". you cannot be in support of trauma survivors and systems and CDDs and say "this person was rude to me for MY trauma so I do not believe theirs" or "this system's workings are annoying to me so I assume they're making it up". When you say things like these, not only are you making an unrelated problem suddenly about someone's disorders' validity, but you are also hurting unintended victims who happen to see you saying this. Fakeclaiming is never okay, with no exceptions, even if one person can be said to legitimately deserve it somehow, because you never know who else will see it and relate it to themselves. you can't predict how even "deserved" ableism could affect your disabled peers.

think before you speak. surely you can come up with something more clever and on-topic to say about someone you don't like than "they must be faking"

[tapakah0]

I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU ABOUT THE JACOB’S LADDER AU

So from what I’ve seen, three of the four brothers are pretty active in their survival and everyday activities. They all order each other around to make sure they all sleep, eat, drink water, hide, attack, and stay safe. Well, everyone except Mikey.

So what happened to Mikey?? We see from the recent update that his shell got really fucked up somehow and he has trauma related to his own mystic powers, but that’s only part of what I’m focused on. Mikey hardly makes a sound in this AU so far! He hasn’t spoken once, at least from what I know, and he always does whatever he’s told. Mikey never gives his brothers the stink eye or argues with them like he used to, and he doesn’t even communicate with them via the mind link! Mikey is now completely silent and reserved! WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR LITTLE SUNSHINE??????????????

I’ve been desperate for answers for the longest time but never got around to asking so WHAT HAPPENED?????

The AU is very good btw it has captured my attention and held it hostage-

Welp, I'm sorry there are plenty of asks about Mikey but I will not give a straight answer to any of them XDDD You are free to think anything about why he's like this, there are a lot of answers to this and I'm sure none of them will be wrong, you will anyway see Mikey pretty soon again to have more info. About his shell you can find an answer by yourself if you really want to, I placed two hints there ~

[honeygrahambitch]

My favorite hypothesis in this fandom are probably those related to Hannibal's trauma about speaking Lithuanian. And if you are not familiar with the povs, they are basically that Hannibal would use Lithuanian words as love language for Will OR that he would just never want to use that language ever again cause it's way too stained by what happened in his past.

I, in general, love the idea of him using some words only with Will but this time I have a headcanon which considers the second option.

If Will and Hannibal had a baby (doesn't matter how, your choice) I think that Hannibal would manage to overcome his trauma and build something on that only by teaching his child to speak Lithuanian.

I am 100% a hannigram baby would be a multilingual baby. Cause Hannibal speaks french and italian and lithuanian and I'm pretty sure a few other languages as well and he would love his kid to learn some of those.

Will is happy with whatever he decides but he makes a comment at some point, as subtle as he can (not subtle at all). "What other languages can you speak?"

"I can do a bit of japanese." (Makes sense, his aunt was japanese, he had grown up with her at some point)

"That would be a bit too difficult for a toddler." Will goes on, still being subtle.

"I agree." Hannibal says. "But she is doing great with italian."

"I know, I think she taught me a few words yesterday." Will adds. Multilingual kids are not always aware when that they change a few languages in just one sentence. He is thinking of how to approach it. "Maybe you could also try something different?"

"Like german? I thought about that as well."

"No, not german..." He replies thinking of a reason. "It sounds bad."

"Then something slavic? I haven't practiced in years but at some point in my life I could do croatian well enough."

"Why would she need to know Croatian, Hannibal? The alphabet is too hard for a kid who is doing other two languages as well."

"Then what were you thinking? I have exhausted my list, dearest." He is amused with Will who is very neutral towards his impressive skills.

"You haven't exhausted it." Will says. "Yet."

Hannibal gestures for him to go on and explain.

"I was thinking our kid should be somehow more connected to our backgrounds."

The flicker in Hannibal's eyes dies instantly.

"We won't move back to the US and I want her to know a lot of things about it."

"Mhm. The US are sure not the elephant in the room." Hannibal says passively. "Just move on to what you've been trying to say for 30 minutes."

"I am not saying that you have to, I'm just saying that you should teach her Lithuanian. And me as well." He says softly and blinks a few times, trying to analyze the emotional battle that is going on inside Hannibal's head.

"I haven't spoken or written in Lithuanian in 40 years, my skills would lack."

"But that's not the problem, is it? We both know they wouldn't lack."

Hannibal sighs as Will sits on the sofa next to him.

"I know that's a whole tower in your memory palace, which I am trying to access. And I know you don't like it. And I also don't want to push you too far."

They had a lot of time to work better on their communication issues in the last years. You can't solve every conflict with a knife when you are trying to raise a child in a healthy atmosphere.

"I agree with the fact that she should be connected to our backgrounds. It's just... difficult."

"You have said before that Lithuanian reminds you of... everything. But I really believe that if you taught our kid Lithuanian, you wouldn't view it in the same light again. I think you can make something beautiful out of it."

"It makes me remember people that I will never talk to again. And that is something which will always be burnt deep down in my memory palace. If I take up Lithuanian again, then everything else comes to surface too."

"Make something else out of it. Make it the language you speak to your child, not a language that is stained by your past. Use it to call me in stupid cheesy ways that would probably sound like swearwords."

Hannibal cracks a smile when he sees the dumb look on Will's face. He knows he is trying his best not to hurt him.

"You are right, it's not phonetically pleasing. Not like Italian or french or-"

"It's yours, it will be phonetically pleasing to me."

**

Oh and it takes time. And it takes some processing. But they are getting there.

When their daughter is 14 she switches between languages very comfortably.

Will loves to watch her and Hannibal argue in Lithuanian. He has learnt enough words to tell what they are talking about but it's always more entertaining to watch.

Nothing softens Will more than being called mylimasis.

[paladinbaby]

i feel like it’s potentially relevant i keep track of these all in a discord channel called nettle spiralling. family portrait of nettle nolastname

@july-19th-club / my nieces is probably the reincarnation of shirley jackson, cj hauser with notes / all about love, bell hooks / where angels fear to tread, e m forster / antichrist, the 1975 / elisabeth hewer / haunted epistemologies, laura westengard / letters to a young poet, rainer maria rilke / sam sifton / the anthropocene reviewed, john green

[Image Description: Ten pictures of text.

1: “simply cannot resist what i call the little mermaid or the tin man or the pinocchio plot, the one about a character who is either inhuman or human but outside in some way, constantly searching for whatever it is that they consider to be the quintessential proof of humanity, preoccupied by it so deeply that they fail to realise the proof is in the act and fact of the search itself”

2: “”What does it mean for the structure of your life to feel menacing? To be imprisoned within it? To feel like it might kill you?”

Haunting is an act of care, care is an act of haunting. Haunting is formed between the trauma, mothers inflict on their daughters.”

3: “We can never go back. I know that now. We can go for-ward. We can find the love our hearts long for, but not until we let go grief about the love we lost long ago, when we were little and had no voice to speak the heart’s longing.” The first three sentences are highlighted in red.”

4: “I seem fated to pass through the world without colliding with it or moving it - and I’m sure I can’t tell you whether the fate’s good or evil. I don’t die - I don’t fall in love. And if other people die or fall in love they always do it when I’m just not there.”

5: “And I swear there's a ghost on this island / And his hands, all covered in blood / And my wife inquired of understanding / But of course, my dear, you can't

She said, How can I relate to somebody who doesn't speak?/ I feel like I'm just treading water

Is it the same for you? / Is it the same for you?”

6: “I want to be eaten alive. I want / to feel wanted.”

7: “cultural anxieties and desires, allowing”for a whole range of specific monstrosities to coalesce in the same form.” The excesses of monstrosity and the hybridity of the living dead help visualize naturalized oppressive structures, making those structures uncanny and therefore intervening in the architecture of oppression. Both haunting and sadomasochism appear in queer thought as expressions of queer temporality that expose a particular type of traumatic temporality. Haunting manifests the swirl-ing, fractured, intersecting temporality of ongoing low-level trauma, not just a single event popping through into the present but a disorienting and overwhelming storm of traumatic intrusion.

The traumatic gothic shadow cast on queer theory is not always made explicit however.” The initial sentence fragment and queer temporality are highlighted in blue. The penultimate sentence is highlighted in purple.

8: “You must realise that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hands and will not let you fall.”

9: “Above all, cook for someone else. Take a moment to prepare food not simply because you’re hungry, but because cooking is an act that makes others feel better. And making the lives of others better is why we are here.”

10: A photo of a page of a book, some lines are highlighted in yellow throughout. “would like that, to show it your belly. There’s something deep within me, something intensely fragile, that is terrified of turning itself to the world.

I’m scared to even write this down, because I worry that having confessed this fragility, you now know where to punch. I know that if I’m hit where I am earnest, I will never recover.

It can sometimes feel like loving the beauty that surrounds us is somehow disrespectful to the many horrors that also surround us. But mostly, I think I’m just scared that if I show the world my belly it will devour me. And so I wear the armor of cynicism, and hide behind the great walls of irony, and only glimpse beauty with my back turned to it, through the Claude glass.

But I want to be earnest, even if it’s embarrassing.”

End ID.]

[tangledinink]

Love love love your human au of the turtles!! I've had a burning question for a while though:

What do the boys assume about their relation to Splinter? I doubt they wouldn't notice the fairly obvious fact that there does need to be two biological parents for reproduction, and that they don't really look like their dad, despite having no memories before him to suggest adoption. There's no way they didn't know he was kidnapped and held captive for seven years because when you're a celebrity that sort of thing isn't hard to find. Combining these facts, I know what conclusions I would've come to. Granted, I'm not exactly the golden representation of your average child, but at the very least Donnie would've definitely wondered.

So... What's their conclusion about the situation??

Ah, thank you! And this is actually a topic I explain way more in the I'm Sorry, Teenage Mutant What Now? fic! But basically, the boys, for a majority of their lives, believe that their dad is their biological father and that their biological mother, who they do not know the identity of, was abusive in some way (leading to both their father's disappearance from the public and to eventually taking sole custody of them and them moving to New York,) and/or abandoned them-- but they've never really discussed it. Here's an excerpt from the fic on the topic, conveniently from Donnie's perspective:

---

"Donnie frowned a bit, shrugging. He was loath to admit it, but Leo did have a point. Their Dad hated to talk about himself or his past outside of trivia about his acting career. Donnie had tried to ask him about their extended family once, and he totally shut down. He wouldn't even tell them what his parents' names were. And the four of them had always tried to respect that. I mean... they knew it was all really complicated. I mean, jesus, he had basically been kidnapped and presumed dead for, like, twelve years. That had to be traumatic, right?

Most of what Donnie knew, factually, about their move to New York, he had gotten from old magazine articles and talk show segments that he found online later in life. He knew what all the reports and stuff said, sure, about the abusive ex, (their mom, he thought dimly in the back of his mind, whose face he couldn't even remember,) the going into hiding, the forced isolation. But none of them had ever talked about it. He had been really little back then, so he couldn't really remember very much. His memories were more general feelings or ideas rather than actual events. He remembered playing pretend games with his brothers more than anything. He used to think that that was odd, because he had never been much of a 'pretend' kid growing up, but his therapist noted that it was common for small children to use fantasy or make-believe to 'escape' from bad situations or explain away trauma. So he supposed maybe that was it.

He remembered it being dark most of the time. And he remembered his feet being cold a lot. There was this sound that he heard in his head a lot when he thought of it, but he had no idea what it was. Shhhh shhhhh.

... But that was about it. He and his brothers, in turn, didn't really talk about it amongst each other either, or with other people. It just felt... weird. Or wrong, somehow, he supposed? Whatever."

(... And, just for fun, another small excerpt from a one-shot sidefic I did from April's mom's perspective, back when the boys were still itty bitty...)

"She had, at one point, tried to convince the boys that they could just call her “Carol,” but when she had pitched it to the group, April had gasped loudly in offense and said that that was too weird, and if anything, they should just call her ‘mom.’ And then Mikey had declared that they didn’t have a mom. And then Raph had argued that they did have a mom, she was just dead. And then Leo had refuted that they did have a mom, and she wasn’t dead, she just didn’t love any of them. And then Donnie had signed something in ASL, too quick for her to quite catch, and Leo had nodded and quickly corrected himself, clarifying that their mom was probably alive and also existed, but she didn’t love any of them and also wanted their father to die."

[chirpingchorus]

Alphonse elric 25 & 26 please!

I took forever to answer this one, but I need you to know I woke up super tired and seeing this got me out of bed this morning. That, my friends, is the sway Al has over me.

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

Oh man, oh man... I don't remember my impressions of him from the very first episode, just that I really liked both of the Elrics. I had the feeling starting from a few episodes in that he was going to die, and have fond memories of looking at thumbnails for future episodes and breathing out a sigh of relief upon seeing he was still intact. During the confrontation with Scar in ep. 15, my jaw was on the floor and I legitimately thought he was a goner. That episode had the first Al Moment (TM) that really got to me, when he urges Ed to keep fighting even if he dies, and gets upset at him for staying to try and save him instead of fleeing. That scene says so much about him, and I love thinking about it in regards to the show's ending.

My initial impression of his personality was just that he was a gentle giant, and Ed was the impulsive and violent one. In the 5th Lab, he begs Ed not to make the Philosopher's Stone, even though it means he'll die. This gave me the impression at first that he really didn't like the idea of killing/harming others, but looking back, I think it's more that he didn't want to force his brother to go through the trauma of killing dozens of people just to get his body back. He really wants his body back, yes, but he values Ed's safety and sanity more overall.

Al, as it turns out, can be quite cruel at times for the sake of his brother--I'm reminded of when he suggests they just. Rip off Wrath's limbs and give them back to Ed. Because that's how limbs work. It was really at that point in my first watch that I started to see how Al's unfortunate disconnect from humanity could be impacting the way he sees the lives/feelings of others. My gut feeling is that if he were somehow in that 5th Lab position where he could make the philosopher's stone not only to save Ed but to restore Ed's body, he would absolutely do it, even if it would cause him distress. There's a lot more I could say about the 'deeper' parts of his personality that others have elaborated on with far better understanding and knowledge. But he's Not Well and I'm 100% here for it.

More of my opinions now: On my rewatch, I'm noticing how painful it is to see this kid in a huge suit of armor. The scene where he pretends to eat food for Nina while Ed just has the saddest look on his face? That killed me. He can't relate at all to the feeling Ed had as he felt Barry was about to kill him. He thinks the best way to avenge Nina is to use Tucker's research to prevent future cases like hers. He points out in episode 5 that (even before joining the military!) the brothers had no control over what happened that day. Bonus amnesiac Al point: He says in CoS super nonchalantly that his soul seems to leave his body easily!?! Girl!!!!!!

I'll hopefully have a better grip on his personality once I'm done with my rewatch, but there's something about it I can feel but can't quite articulate that just draws me in like nothing else. In case it isn't obvious, I'm pretty darn sure Al is my favorite character this time around.

26. What's something the character has done you can't get over? Be it something funny, bad, good, serious, whatever?

I already talked about a lot of these, but I have more--we'll do a few serious ones and a funny one.

Ep. 6 - He says, "I wonder if I was that warm and soft when I was born." Then starts to cry a little. (I hate this show, I wrote down in my notes.)

Ep. 1 - It's a very small detail, but Al seems to believe resurrection could still occur with the Philosopher's Stone, while Ed doesn't buy it for one minute. This reminds me of Al's similar hopeful attitude in episodes like 10. I think he has a habit to look at things as they're given to him and not much further, as long as they make him happy--of course the Stone should have all those powers, and of course a woman just like his mother would be incredibly kind. He's very much the type to march on ahead no matter what and ignore the implications of doing so. That's not to say he's stupid--I don't think he is. He's quite introspective and insightful, he just chooses not to dwell on some things as he tries his best to reach his goals. Maybe I'm a bit closer to understanding him now...

Ep. 5 - Alright, a silly one. When he's about to beat up the criminals and he appears all menacing and says, "いらっしゃい" ("welcome"), that got a great laugh out of me. He's so silly.

[6okuto]

Hi.

I saw that you did like a pt 2 for Ais... Could you do a part 2 for Kuras

Only if you have time for that!

KURAS HCS 2

gn!reader | hellaur !! i absolutely can. meow

HIS WHITE OUTFIT. man... you get your clothes dirty and bro knows exactly how to get the stains out and offers to do your laundry/teach you if you don't know how.

you ask to stick around the clinic to help out and he does a mini tour and gives you some easy tasks. he appreciates your company and rarely says no without some external factor

if you got him a keychain or trinket he'd put it somewhere he'd see it often. maybe fidget with while he's working or researching something. especially if it's like,, a pen or notebook. make sure it's good quality and he'll be using them regularly!

you know when you have Home Remedies that you have no research to back up but work for you ? kuras has to watch and respect the fact that it worked...in whatever way....but also really wants you to try the actual medicine he has. he's a doctor. please

kuras is probably The one in the cast to go to if you want to be held accountable for something. as in like, not spending more than x amount of money or studying for x amount of time. he's a mischievous guy but if you want someone to inevitably support your bad life/financial decisions maybe choose someone else

^ tbf mhin is probably also a decent choice methinks

type of guy to learn you like a book or relate to a song or character or whatever then take the time to check it out and analyze it himself. if you ever gave him an annotated novel he'd read every single note and even tell you his favourites + his own thoughts

you tell him about your favourite characters and why you like them and he's like Hm. interesting. ?! what's interesting. what deep trauma and personal history did you just dissect

bruh....kuras as a professor. the brown trench coat and glasses walking around campus in autumn Omggg

okayy cafe + library/book store date where you pick each other's drinks and books and people watch

washing his hair like,, showering/bathing together but taking care of his hair in general. smth smth nonsexual intimacy smth smth him relaxing against you and offering to do the same/something in return smth smth

i like to think he'd have a nice singing voice. like you're helping out at the clinic and you hear him humming something he heard and you're like !! woah.

sitting in silence together. yippee! you break the silence with a random thought or question and it takes him a second to process but gives a decent answer. asks about the train of thought that led you there if it's especially out of the blue

^ it's sort of soft + smooth..? like Hello There Tenor....slay that white winter hymnal. sorry that's always the first song i remember from choir

vry good if you're being indecisive about something small. like where to eat. may somehow convince you to get something that wasn't even an option at first based on what you seem to be craving

ok. actually plot related . like fine red spring studio. kuras can commit crimes and atrocities 🙄! his scam was just the beginning and he keeps up a front where that's some of the worst he'll do. when he's finally caught we're going to have to make a choice where we're afraid or choose to help him (whatever that means to you)

our faces when kuras projects his probable self hatred and belief that sins can only he repaid through suffering onto others which is what the horrible things he'll do is centered around 😂 haha that'd be crazy

anyway. whatever. as always assume i'm wrong. i'm just a girl

@lost-lonnie @respitable @mitskiologist

[coeluvr]

I gotta confess, I’m having a really hard time with Lancelot, especially after the most recent update. At best, and MC’s siblings are somehow alive, Luceris is a child abuser. At worst, a child murderer, whether by his own hand or by his order. That’s as irredeemable of a character as you can get, regardless of his reasons. What happened to Farah was horrific, but he tortured an innocent child for years. That being said, you expect him to be vile.

Then you have Lancelot, who’s kind to the MC, and can possibly act as a father figure, yet he’s possibly in a relationship with the man who brutally murdered MC’s entire family and who had to be stopped from killing them after they just discovered their bodies. The damage that does to a child’s mind is immeasurable. If abusing a kid isn’t an immediate “screw you, I’m done. Whatever feelings I had for you are dead,” what should be? How do you get worse than that? Lancelot’s kindness feels far more cruel than anything Luceris could say.

It’s possible I relate to the MC’s situation too much, but having a parent who loves your abuser and puts them first despite the trauma they’ve put you through is a form of abuse itself and can take a lifetime to attempt to navigate and understand.

It actually took me a long time to come back to this IF after my first read when it was just published. I really like the story, and you’re clearly very talented and have created an amazing world with complicated, colorful characters. It can just be very hard to read personally.

I truly don’t mean any hate whatsoever, and wish you the best. You’ve definitely worked very hard.

Hi, anon! I'm not sure what to say to most of your message but I do want to say if this IF makes you feel upset or bad or any negative emotion then you should put your well-being first and stop reading this.

It won't offend me or anything in any way, I understand the topics in this story can be heavy and just messed up, and I can't promise that things won't get worse for MC in the future in terms of family and other relationships.

I'm glad you like the story but I do hope you do what is best for you. I hope you have a good day! 💗

[sickly-sapphic]

I'm gonna bounce off that last anon for a moment here + your answer to ask... how DO you feel comfortable with the intersex label? And sorry in advance for the long fucking ask LMFAO I've been... having a time for the past few months.

Obviously it's entirely up to the person whether or not they do, but, like... I want to say I'm intersex. I know how important it is for people to be saying they are intersex, and how I've related to the intersex experience on some level even before I even fully comprehended wtf it meant as a teen. It's important to me. But by the grace of god (extreme childhood neglect, and the people around me not really giving a shit about me to mention anything + not knowing what intersex even is), I somehow never had anyone go "yeah something is up" and thus I don't wholly... relate? There's a sort of rift I feel with the community, like I'm not "really intersex" if I haven't dealt with this or that.

I had a deeper voice, I had darker body hair, I got crazy full-body acne, I was fairly physically androgynous! I relate a little too hard to perimenopause advice!! Among other stuff I won't get into because I don't wanna ramble more. For god's sake, from the very few tests I've had my hormones have been doing fuckall whatever for the past godknows how many years and, as I like to joke, my SHBG is probably ripped with how hard it was carrying my insufficient sex hormone levels pre-T. And yet I feel like I'm faking or some bullshit because I haven't faced obvious intersexism or am visibly intersex. It's a little stupid.

So, okay. To TL;DR, I guess: I have turbo imposter syndrome because I'm totally mentally well and without trauma (lie) and feel like I don't deserve to call myself intersex because "what if you aren't though :/ and are co-opting experiences that aren't yours ://". I know something I should internalize is "slow the fuck down" but that is a bit hard with my head going "Okay but you need answers NOW". Any thoughts and/or advice??

Also I love seeing your posts ur so awesome ilu /p

I mean you're definitely intersex enough!! If it helps you on your journey, I super duper relate to the traits described. Not everyone *does* experience intersexism before finding out theyre intersex. Some people's traits present completely internally, and they'll experience a different set of life experiences regarding being intersex.

Being visibly intersex and experiencing intersexism aren't the qualifiers to being intersex (just like suffering and misogyny aren't what define womanhood). What made me most confident with calling myself intersex was my girlfriend - she could pretty confidently look at me and say "yeah.... thats intersex" (despite not being confident in her own identity yet). Hearing that confirmation from an outside source can be really affirming!!

I'd say interact with other intersex people, find community, talk in the community, you don't have to come right out and be sure of it before you start engaging with the community - I wasn't.

I hope you're able to feel comfortable and affirmed soon!!

[midwinterwings]

I dont know my name or anything right now. I'm a new alter formed over the past couple of days and well.

Thats the thing. I got medicated for ADHD and my mind has quietened down and its so calm here. When I'm not stuck in the static of my thoughts, playing in several realms at once, I just feel like Loki. Right now anyway. Shifts do still occur but I find that unsavoury ones from alters who would take over for coping purposes, happen much less frequently. Its become kind of odd, actually. When interacting with the body's family and friends, instead of shifts occurring (I have no idea what happens when theyre in the same place. I feel only one of us is fronting and pretending to be the other one that would front to talk to a friend if family is also present) I kind of just stay me. Whoever I am right now.

Thats the thing. All of us are Loki. We're always Loki no matter who we are. Right now I feel more connected to the 'essence' of Loki, as I feel the flame flickering in my chest, nice and warm. But there's kind of a conflict because I want to put feathers in my hair and fly across cold plains which...I can't do that. Not in this realm at least.

I feel there needs to be a distinction between 'corporeal' - 'real world' - physical world, external world whatever its called, and the...er, other one. Incorporeal? Spiritual? I dunno. Yeah. Two things can be true at once. I've always thought of things as absolute - autism haha - so if one thing is true the other can't be. Because I like computers and gaming and maths and programming and doodling, it seems, well, kind of the opposite to what the fire in my chest makes me feel. When I'm more connected to my self as Loki, I think...pine needles for some reason or pinecones, that appeared somehow, and the opposite of tech, and falcons and swifts. Lots of swifts. Snakes too. Haha banana snake

Maybe shit isn't that deep. Maybe I can be two things at once. Well, three. Even though I'm the only one fronting right now.

Theres...me right now, kind of unknown name, maybe T(). Who wears modern clothing and has tech related interests.

And there's me right now who is the opposite of that. I'm Loki chilling out somewhere. It's either a mind palace of the past or me doing other stuff in other planes. Not sure. Completely different.

Oh and there's me in animal form. That's why I identify as a therian. I'm usually a snake, swift, falcon, or a shrike.

And these are true at the same time. That's the thing I've been struggling with grasping. If one thing is true how can that other thing be true? If im here and like these things and like this, how can I be pretty much the opposite in every single way, at the same time?

Answer: I don't know. But I do know that I operate in 3 planes default. (Not counting if im covering for another alter while they're off doing god knows what and theyre the one who made a friend who thinks I'm that alter so shit is really awkward and I just pretend it's me)

So I guess, 3 planes authentic.

1 plane (covering+masking plane) non authentic but still happening.

Before the meds I was operating on like...20 🗿 also, I couldn't tell which were intrusive thoughts and which were actual stuff that was relevant. So. 3 is perfectly OK.

So...tldr : stuff is weird. Very weird. It keeps getting weirder.

The more I realize what's going on the more I hate covering for other alters because now I know its not me my friend thought they talked to. In the past before I knew I was plural I got an odd bodily sensation like I was watching my body talk, like they were talking through me to somehow behind me and I'm just relaying info from the person behind me to them. Actually I think that's pretty accurate. I didn't understand why. I've only understood why more and more recently and...I guess, I'm angry that it is this way. Really angry. And because the body I live in is tainted with trauma, especially since I look like SK (first alter) it keeps triggering shifts to SK which is really annoying. Also I get confused and think I'm SK which I'm not. Also SK isn't really active, he kind of grew up a bit to Cleo, so...I feel Cleo ends up fronting every time I just...see a picture of my body's face. I can't express things well, even anger, in the external/physical/corporeal/'real' world because everything is twinged with trauma and one specific alter, some versions of Cleo, have been carrying us through for years and years and none of us know how to really exist outside of the internal worlds. I feel we will be able to with time, but its one of those problems that are relevant every second, every movement, just you can't ignore it and if its a problem it will continue to be a problem every moment. If you can't ignore it you deal with it. Oh and I'm trying to learn acceptance rather than problem solving. "Yeah this occurs. Yes it sucks. Yes its a problem. And that's OK. I dont have to try to solve every problem immediently, especially since its not possible, sometimes the solution is completely unknown to you right now, a new experience or perspective is needed. I'm going to live with it instead of feeling things that aren't desirable are villains to be killed. Theyre part of me. They make up bits of me. I can't choose the good bits and try to kill the bad bits. It's just not even true."

So, yeah. Gonna have to live with the fact that existing as of now is very confusing, uncomfortable, and weird. People are talking to other people and I have to pretend I'm other people and its frustrating and invalidating. My body is riddled with trauma and associations with the body's parent that are no longer relevant. Seeing it makes an alter who technically dosent exist anymore front - or try to. Or his thoughts bleed into mine. I dont know my name or my story. I exist 3 times at once. Annnd that's OK. It is what it is.

Written by T - 'Midwinter'

[greenbirdtrash]

venting again.

[TW: SA MENTION, GROOMING, OVERALL DISCUSSION OF 18+ TOPICS]

Things are...not going exactly okay this evening. I'm being thrown back and spiralling a lot again, and it's not something i usually talk about, especially here.

I haven't even realised until now how much a certain thing can affect my entire life or haunt me for years after it happened. For years i tried to shove it so deep as i could, hoping i will eventually forget about it and pretend to live a life. A normal life.

But it keeps haunting me, and now, as an adult, i suddenly found myself in so many snares closing up at once and i realised they just...always been here. Kinda. I never got out of them since it happened. I got used to them, ignored them, but they're still here, tugging at my skin and hair. They didn't go anywhere. They never did.

I really just want to scratch at my walls and howl for it to leave me alone.

I did nothing to deserve that. I never wanted that to happen and didn't even think it could happen to me. Community that took me in never was a safe space for a minor. And it's still not. I didn't had any friends or other examples of how human communication and building healthy connections should work in a normal spaces, i only got one view on the situation in my most important years of socialization and it broke me to pieces. I still don't really know what i am or...what i want.

It took them years of gaslighting and clever manipulations to make me believe i wasn't good for anything, really. That i wasn't valuable as a person, that i don't look attractive comparing to what i now know as unhealthy and unrealistic beauty standards, that none of my feelings matter. As one of them used to say, "A woman without a partner in this fandom is like a piece of steak everyone else wants to sink their teeth in". And the irony is.. At some point after all the stuff they said i did believe i was that piece of meat. It never felt right or anything, i didn't enjoy any of that, and yet i couldn't leave that company or put my feelings into words.

It took them years to break me into a complete repulsion to intimacy and sex-related things. Whatever was happening, i just accepted it as something that had to be done. That i just need to lay down and pretend like I'm having fun for a bit and then everything will be alright again, because that's what i learned to do to fit in. It was just another routine i had to adapt.

It wasn't alright. It never was, honestly.

At some point, i mastered all my courage to leave and seek professional help. It was nothing like i imagined it to be. My life didn't actually shatter, but it sure felt like it. It was a long way of recovery and getting therapy, a proper diagnosis, getting to meet and trust new people again, trying to get rid of all the harmful things, all the self-hatred that was put in my head. At some point, I've met new wonderful people and even found a loved one, and this way i learned that actual friendships and relationships are just... something completely else. I felt like i was robbed of that, yet i continued to work on fixing myself. The thing is, it's not exactly a linear process, as you probably know. And as i worked on some things, i kinda ignored and forgot other parts of my experience, thinking it would somehow heal on its own and pretending it would be okay the next time I'll have to face it because it'll be under my control and with someone i trust. After all, this whole time i was leaning more to the thought that I belong somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and i still think i do, but i never actually thought about how trauma can affect certain aspects.

Surprise! Years of grooming and the SA made me hate myself so much i got used to denying myself basic pleasure and the fun i could've had with exploring the things i like. And whenever i try to indulge or participate in something, it usually hits me with guilt and disgust to myself like a fucking truck afterwards. Who could've thought. /sarc

Who knows, maybe my gender identity was also affected by that, and now it is what it is. At least i feel comfortable with my current gender situation...well, most of the times.

I just...i don't really know where to go from that. I always projected some deep feelings onto my personal art and it did help me with acceptance of most things suggestive, kinky or sexual, i did talk with some of my closest friends about sexuality and different experiences, but i don't feel like i could talk with my current therapist about it. I just..i kinda envy all the positive, open-minded and sex-favourable people I've met (also the people I've befriended on here, ever since i joined you i've noticed how the ghost fandom in general is very supportive, open and accepting to all kind of things, kinks and people, i never felt so comfortable in a fandom before and it did affect me in a good way, i think, at least it made me explore and project my own feelings about certain things a bit), i really want to have what they have, i want to have my own fun and do things i like without that trauma haunting me and making me hate myself for being...uhh..human? Is that what it is, now?

I just feel like I've caught myself in a loop.

[the-three-pure-souls]

Do you have any headcanons for J.D/Vandal? If so, what are they?

Thank you so much for asking about him! :D He's one of my favorites! I have a bunch of little hcs for him so I had to pick which ones I wanted to put here ^^' Sorry it took me so long to actually write them ^^' I love this silly little guy and I, uh, made them much longer than the previous ones for Stumbler and Wulf, and accidently made them depressing and also mini shortish stories for some reason ;w; Maybe I'll turn the second one into an actual fanfic one shot! ^^ Tw for the second and third one, as the second one is related to Connor. The third one, albeit the shortest is about his trauma from his time in the Studiogrounds lab. ;w; I'm still figuring out the colors I'm gonna use for Vandal and Husk, but for now I think I'll use blue for both J.D and Stumbler and I'll use orange for Husk!

Feel free to ask about my other hcs too!!! :D I don't really have very many for characters like Husk atm but I do have quite a few for some of the other characters like Rex! ^^ Now onto the boy:

J.D/Vandal

J.D doesn't actually have a name for himself, simply going by whatever people start calling him next. People start calling him 'the Studiogrounds Vandal' when he starts writing stuff on the walls around Studiogrounds to try to get the truth out there? That's his name then. Sounds pretty ominous so he's sure they won't mind him just simply shortening it to 'Vandal'! He's on the loose and people start calling him 'John Doe'? Well, he might as well have some fun with this one! It probably stems from his strange relationship with his own identity, who he is. For all his life he's been dehumanized, treated like an object, an animal.  It felt so weird to him, the first time someone used both He and It to refer to him. It may have felt weird to it..but it also felt right somehow. This got him to start thinking about things.. For so long he was simply a scientific mishap..a mistake. Some thing Broadside used to experiment on before he and his twin, Husk, split. Something which still haunts him to this day.. Maybe, though..he can almost be..a..person? He might not be a human per say, but he can act like one! Right..?  This was how he discovered he enjoys painting. Art. Both that and recording videos, editing them! Despite this though, he still has a lot of issues involving around who he is. Maybe that can change one day.

He only showed up on the island some while ago, and when I mean show up, he just..appeared. No boat. Nothing for him to have come from the water. He also acted like the island was his home. To say this freaked out the wolves is an understatement. This random..creature just showed up one day who very much acted not similar at all to any being any of the wolves had ever seen before. He walks just like the characters from the various Broadside cartoons that they have in the theater. It was uncanny. Wulf and Stumbler who had learned of Layer 3 before this had their suspicions of what he was. Though, as long as he didn't harm anyone, the wolves were alright with him staying there. That being said, they didn't really warm up to him either. J.D should be used to this! It's been alone it's whole life! ..Well..no..no, that isn't true. There once was a time..he did have someone else..and before that he had Husk, his twin! But still..even despite the pain he already is in..why does it hurt so much that Chief Wulf in particular is avoiding him too..? Why did he remind it so much..of..him..? It hurts to think of back then. It hurts. It hurts. He doesn’t want that, it doesn’t want to hurt. Back then he finally had a friend..why did Husk..? What did Husk say to him that day..? He tries not to think. Think about the body on the ground. Think about him standing on the balcony. Think about how he didn't say goodbye.. The world is a blur now, everything a blend of colors..black tar going down his face. Ha..ha..he really is the worse half, isn’t he..? No matter how much he wants too..and no matter how much he meant to it..He couldn’t save Connor..

Medical and lab supplies along with closed dark spaces that aren't the Stitchcaves bring back memories he’d rather forget. If he’s trapped in a room he can’t get out of, suddenly the room feels too tight he suddenly can't breathe and the next thing knows, he's huddled in a corner whimpering uncontrollably. He isn’t able to stop shaking when that happens. In that place they felt so much desperation and helplessness, terror and pain. He doesn't want to go there again. He would rather die than go back to that hell again.

[sailorsenshishitposter]

Ultra Violet more like Ultra Violent

Warning under the cut. Not for the fictional itself but mentions of toxic "fans"

Nelo Angelo

You either relate with characters that survived major trauma/torture and have constant nightmares or you're a sick bastard who enjoys r@pe fanfiction and likes to claim it's actually a ship with bdsm/master slave elements. This mention specifically goes out to Vergil x Mundus creeps so just know that we're all judging you and there will be a special place in hell when you die. Moving on.

First Date:

You're on the beach when you notice that something has washed up onto the shore. Whatever it was, it was dark and gleaming. It was too large to be floating debris but it clearly wasn't a creature from the ocean. You got closer and noticed curled horns poking out of the water. "I must be dreaming because there's no way this is a goat!" you thought. Suddenly ripples of water started to form and you could feel the ground trembling beneath your feet.

This "thing" was apparently the size and shape similar to a regular person but you realized they must be wearing body armor. Before you could question why there was a knight on the shore you saw that the man was on one knee before you with his head cast to the ground. "...H-hh-hello...?" you said. The knight said nothing so you found a nearby branch and started poking him. Nada. It was like he was made of stone. You tried to take his helmet off only to be nauseated and put it back on. It turns out that fairytales were a lie because the face you met was not handsome but sickly and had glowing red eyes.

You tried to speak to the man and you received no answers. You noticed his large cloak and held the fabric between your fingers. You noticed a tag that said "Nelo Angelo. If lost please return to Mundus at the number 666". "So your names Nelo Angelo huh?". Suddenly the masked stranger turned to face you. He seemed to only respond to his name. You took his hand and led him to the nearest hospital.

This seemed to be a mistake on your part. Even though he was mute he could still feel and attempted to attack the nurses when they went to remove his armor so they could run tests. You then decided that if he's able to attempt murder than he's probably physically fine (well for someone who just washed up on the shore anyway). You were starting to think he might be a cosplayer because there was no way a real knight would carry around a weapon that resembled Clouds buster sword.

In the end you weren't really sure what to do with him so you opted to put him in an orphanage (it was better than your idea of using the lost and found box). The knight didn't really do much. He was just standing in front of a wall. You figured the nuns would be able to heal his soul so you decided to leave it to them and go home. As you left, Nero was walking in, doing another weekly visit to the orphans. Something inside Nelo snapped because he walked up to Nero. The young man was puzzled. "Everything okay there big guy..?" he asked. The knight didn't respond.

"I'm sorry. I guess you don't feel like talking huh?. Nelo Angelo got close enough to Neros ear and whispered "Hi I'm sorry. I'm dad!" and then ripped off his arm. It took Nero a few second to realize that there was blood all around him and another three to realize it was his own. He then fainted from blood loss while Nelo was holding the boys arm (which somehow turned into Yamato) and he began to twirl it while saying "thanks kiddo!"

[coffeeandkhun]

Traumerei's possible Peter Pan syndrome

Lo Po Bia Traumerei is such an interesting villain. It's been foreshadowed since the season 1 that he'll play a big role in the story of TOG. In this post, I'm talking about his name and the possible impact on the story. There will be spoiler from the whole webtoon, just to be warned.

Traumerei has got his name from Kinderszenen, a set of piano movements written by a German composer Robert Scumann in 1830's.

Kinderszenen includes 13 pieces of music - just like there were 13 irregulars climbing the tower before the Arlene & V -incident happened. Kinderszenen means "Scenes from Childhood" and movement no. 7, Träumerei, is one of the most famous pieces by this famous romantic era composer.

Träumerei means either dreams or reverie, but Traumerei WE know is not a day dreamer or an innocent, playful man like his name would suggest. He's a resentful and distrusting tyrant. More than that, he is overly obsessed about being able to control others and is constantly testing their obedience, complaining bitterly about how he's "used to being betrayed", like his own behavior had nothing to do about why this happens.

There is another word Träumerei reminds us, that is trauma, although the etymology is different. Word trauma has it's origin in Ancient Greek, and means a physical wound or damage. Today, when talking about trauma, we usually don't mean a psycical wound however, but a mental one.

To this point, we have learned that Traumerei has nightmares he can't remember - memories that are probably somehow linked to Baam or his parents, because he started to have those nigtmares only after hearing about his existence. He also had a habit of feeding his memories to the monster Leviathan, the very reason why he can't remember.

Leviathan is a biblical sea serpent, a dragon or a devil, and is sometimes associated with the cardinal sin of envy - as is the color green.

“O beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.” - William Shakespeare

It could be the memories and/or emotions he fed to Leviathan are related to something he committed in his jealousy, maybe something parellel to what happened between Wang Wang, Nen Neya, Yasratcha and him. In s3 c111, after sending Wang Wang away, he says: "I felt something I haven't felt in a long time... from a mere creature... but I've gotten rid of it, so it's fine now." We don't hear what exactly he felt, so we can only guess, if it was envy or something else.

It's possible that Traumerei used to be different, but there really was a traumatic betrayal that changed him, like he keeps suggesting. Or then he's more like those people in the real world who find it difficult to accept that people around them mature. They feel betrayed and jealous when their friends, who are now married, have children and/or a career, are not ready to have online gaming all-nighthers with them just about any time they want.

In Jungian Psychology, there is an term for an individual, who, just like Peter Pan, refuses to mentally grow up and meet the responsibilites of the adult life - puer aeternus.

“…remains too long in adolescent psychology; that is, all those characteristics that are normal in a youth of seventeen or eighteen are continued into later life, coupled in most cases with too great a dependence on the mother.” - Marie-Louis von Franz

From his own point of view, Traumerei could be just a child bullied by everyone. Just like a cliché teenager, he's also easily bored and prone to mood-swings. We don't know about his mother (he never answers when Nen Neya asks, unfortunately), but we know that he has a somewhat dependant relationship with Jahad, "the Father".

Whatever Traumerei gave away to Leviathan, we can be quite sure that these were not the best and most beautiful memories of his life, but the worst and most traumatic ones. Getting those memories back might change him or destroy him - we don't know yet, but I would guess it's the latter. I personally find it difficult to see his cruelty could somehow be atoned - because unlike Yasratcha, who was dominated by him, he "made" himself and keeps only accusing others. I might be wrong, and we'll see when the story evolves. But even in TOG world of morally gray characters, Traumerei is on his own level of darkness.

[amaranthhiding]

Sam and Lily Sunder in 12x10

I honestly never paid all that much attention to this scene in my previous rewatches of this episode, because the episode itself has such a strong focus on Cas, so that's where my attention was the other times.

But since this time my focus for this episode is on Sam (for... so far undisclosed reasons *coughs*), this scene is driving me completely up-the-wall insane. I'm not even sure I can adequately put into words all the layers of why.

Sam is really there, having a bonding moment with the red-haired, centuries-old woman who knows levels of advanced magic that lie beyond anything Sam has been able to do alone so far, while he's relating to her in a very personal way over past trauma.

The mind-blowing thing about this is that all of this sounds 100% like I'm talking about Rowena, but I'm not.

And you can see, you can actually see, how fascinated and tempted he is by the prospect of this magic.

That the only thing holding him back is the memory of himself going dark with the demon blood powers years ago.

(Sorry, I couldn't resist.)

And how he drops that restraint the moment he finds out that Lily is not talking about any dark powers, but about angelic, divine ones.

I mean, look at how interested he suddenly is.

This is just an assumption on my part, but I think his posture and facial expression mean he is so willing to pay the price?

He even puts the angel blade away he'd been fiddling with up to this point.

He's willing to pay the price until he finds out that this price also includes going back to one of his other deepest regrets—the time he was soulless and completely unhinged and without any remorse.

Which gives them yet another thing to bond over? Something nobody else would truly understand.

Listen, I'm not actually shipping Sam/Lily. I'm honestly not even completely sure what my point for this post is. But I'm just intrigued, you know?

They somehow put Sam's dark past with the demon blood powers and the soulless era and the desperate hunt for revenge for the deaths of Mary and Jess all into one conversation?

That and magic!

Then Lily's "You don't trust me, I understand" is like a throwback to one of the first things Sam said to Rowena: "I don't trust you, and I never will."

And then Lily, as if she already knew Sam in and out from the short time they've spent with each other, brings up the one thing that actually has the potential to make him go down that soulless road again.

Dean's death.

We know it's possible.

Just like Dean's fate was what made Sam drop all his restraints to team up with Rowena, it could do the same thing again, couldn't it?

If Ishim had managed to kill Dean and Cas that night, Sam would have wanted Ishim dead with very little regard for whatever personal sacrifices Sam would have had to make for that. Even if, for some reason, that would have been an eye?

We know that.

Lily knows that.

And Sam knows it, too.

(Also, she promises to wait for him because she really wants him as her student for Enochian magic, apparently? Just, what is happening here?)