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GOOD NEWS: I believe I have contracted the flu, and therefore I can and will be writing for a majority of all the time I am off school because my brain is too melted to do anything else.
BAD NEWS: My throat really hurts :(
#sickfic#?#maybe#omg I just coughed so bad I like gagged that was horrible#the last time I got the flu I ended up with a 41° fever and my brain was ACTUALLY melting#so that hopefully won't happen this time#but if it does#I'll still write from the doctors office#wouldn't be the first time#I'm sorry for abusing the tags like this#I'm barely concious honestly#soukoku#ao3 fanfic#bsd#bsd dazai#bsd chuuya#soukoku fanfiction#bungou stray dogs#bsd fanfic#bsd ranpo#I'M GONNA WORK ON THE SCHOOL AU I PROMISED. I SWEAR.#IT WON'T BE LONG UNTIL I HAVE AT LEAST SOMETHING OUT FOR IT#I PROMISE.
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one of the most upsetting details of the scene where marius whips armand in his book is not only the violence and abuse, but also what marius does afterwards. armand is crying and begging him to stop the entire time, he hates what's happening, but only by the end marius puts his blood on the wounds he left on armand, which he knows is pleasurable for humans. armand hated the punishment, he did not want it, but marius forces him to enjoy it at the end by giving him something armand can't help but like because of the effect vampire's blood has on humans. marius is conditioning armand to think he likes the whipping by giving him his blood only after being so vicious he opens wounds on armand's skin. he's basically doing stimuli based pavlov mindfuckery with armand. i want to strangle marius until he's foaming at the mouth.
#i'm sorry people who are like armand liked it and asked for it again afterwards! it was sexy!#what armand did with harlech was actual consensual whipping fun because both wanted to do it and got off on it#what marius did with armand was just abuse because armand did not want it and said no the entiiiire time. just to be pavloved afterwards#armand asks for it later bc he realizes letting marius whip him gives him marius' attention and blood. not bc he liked the whipping itself#marius negative#anti marius#i hope those two tags cover whatever people block to not see professional haterism towards that crusty cracker#the vampire armand#iwtv
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endless insanity incoherent shit about ame and love and family(featuring england and cana a bit specifically sorry france i actually do have thoughts about that there but i'm lazy and tired and this is incoherent already)(it didn't start off like that this is honestly like some stream of thought shit hence the incoherence)
some shit when i think about. sorry. colonial ame extremely upset tantrums theres no way england didnt hit him or spank him which would just upset ame more. ame would sulk and wish for england to drop dead because theres not much else he can say or do about the frustration. cana goody two shoes kid would be like why do you have to act out like that so much... ame immediate rage. probably hits cana like GO CRY ABOUT IT!!! and cana cries and then england walks in like America!!! and it just gets worse. but in the end when england has to leave again ame still clings and cries after england is saying his goodbyes. england does feel that he cares about ame deeply, so he does try to show his affection. theres some gap here between the care he shows and his "responsibility as a caretaker" if you will... and he's like a teen dad at this point? with his own shitload of baggage and ideas on responsibility from that baggage. man this family can be so interesting. i love tension
of course. this is just my crazythinking that in situations where, you could say, england's parenting was abusive of sorts, specifically in the physical way, to punish tantrums or etc... i think cana would be inclined to try to play polite kid to avoid punishment. and so he would feel maybe more vindicated? that he's the good example. in this it creates kind of a chasm between england/cana and ame. (why i think mapletea would just drive ame crazy wall smashing head insane, besides that ame already feels jealous/insecure like that anyways no matter what) this feeling is pushed by the revolution where ame and england are Like That, and here again cana sides with england(he's not Fully in it but he does technically side with england, and ame definitely views it like that). to him this is proof... of what you ask? i don't know..... that period where he was on decidedly bad terms with both of them, i always think he's like teenage-losing it about it. won't show it or at least will try not to of course, but it's genuinely something that eats at him so hard. (ame voice Nobody loves me. Everyone should love me. i could probably make that happen.) and ame decides things like that first and foremost with personal relations. this is specific, but im like, i think it's a mental testing he does on people. example, completely without their knowledge, someone's random act can register in his brain as an opposition to him, because his mind decided that's what it means.(somewhere subconscious). so for some time i'd imagine in his mind, that cana and england hated him, or looked down on him, or expected him to wind up dead anyways. ame is never not looking for approval and this fuels that sooooo much. it's like spite and anger and crying and stomping on the ground and in a way grieving. he's staring at the sky like it's unfair. they don't want me in their life. because i'm better than them. i hate them so much.(he wouldn't say it like this to other people, hate is a strong word, and i wouldn't say he hates them here either)
despite his bravado of "whaat? everyone likes me right?" the mental cogs are stuck here no matter what he says. cana loves him, even if it's so frustrating to, cana cares about him deeply. it fucks with ame's brain but he knows this deep down, that cana does love and care about him. at some point too he knows the same for england. but i also think he's like, specifically with cana too when he's specifically being really cynical about relations is like, "oh and he's only around... cause he has to be..." and ame wouldn't entirely be wrong there. and cana would argue so what! do you need a cosmic soulmate love to prove something? and ame is like (yeah i kinda do....). love can't just exist for you right here right now?! cana's love is "invalidated" in this sense. and also it hurts his brain too much to really think about the complexities in his relationship to both england and cana. that they really did care about him, but it's not easy. (hurts his brain... like why is interaction so stressful? why is it complicated? why can't people just go i love you and the end?). ame is not a romantic person but i think his view on love can get so fantastical like this. (he wants to be the one proposed to awwww omg you guysss...) at the same time it's a very simple view on love. he doesn't want to end up humiliated and is willing to humiliate others to avoid it. if love is true then there is One True Love... For him... JK! NOT FOR HIM!(slurps soda) who needs that shyit!!!(eats burger). a lot of things he can't/really doesn't want to accept. this is why i'd say anytime he ever felt feelings significant enough that even he would call it love it was mindnumbingly overwhelming. putting his eggs in one basket... don't fail me now!!! (and i always think none of his relationships are stable. duh. so). i like fics where ame is made to be like a crazy ex girlfriend. because he would. rather than love as a constant thing to do it sometimes feels more like an achievement or endpoint for him. something that happens at the end of movies lol... if love was happening REALTIME it'd be surreal for him to process. and like true genuine love not his fake idea of what love looks like
#mentions of abuse here#but i don't really know if anyone here would need that warning okaysorry i usually post about it unprompted um sorru#not even sure what to tag this i'm so embarrassed but i feel like talking anyways#sorry if it's unreadable#ame bible
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Good evening (or morning, depending on your timezone).
Absolutely no hate, but I want to ask how you reconcile your enjoyment of the show with the reality of what Ikuhara has (most likely) done?/gen
I understand Death of the Author, but what drew me to Utena in the first place was its theme of critiquing the patriarchy and calling out abuse, which feels somewhat hypocritical now. I resonate with this show, and many of Ikuhara's other shows, on a personal level, which is why I am especially disappointed with the accusations since I now have to wonder how that reflects onto me as a person...?
Obviously I don't know you personally, but you seem to spend a lot of time and care on your analyses (which are great btw) so have you also struggled with this?
Again, there is like zero judgement when I say this and I'm absolutely not trying to come off as hostile (in case that is how this reads). And, there is no pressure on you to answer this and I'll completely understand if you want to ignore the ask.
Thanks.
hi, i've been thinking about this as well since yesterday, and it is kind of tough to figure out how to feel about. i think it's important to remember that ikuhara did not make revolutionary girl utena alone, for one. he had a whole team of writers and animators and producers and so on, that it would not exist without. obviously ikuhara played a big part in the show's creation, but far from the only one (if it was, i have no doubt it would be very very different), and . idk what my point really is here but i don't think his actions reflect on the show as a whole. it still is what it is, it still says the same important things about our society's systems of abuse that we've always talked about, even if the director didn't understand it or didn't want to understand it or however you want to put it. and by extension i don't think it reflects on to all the people who have enjoyed the show, who have seen their experiences in it, who have learned from it more about how this kind of abuse works and so on. and i think we need to be aware of what has (allegedly, but again, i believe it) happened, but i don't necessarily think we need to write off the show just because he had a hand in making it. because it is just as important as we've always known it to be, you know? though i think there are (as there has always been and there always is in anything) elements of the show to be critical of, and maybe some new things as well in light of this. i'll have to think about it more.
#this is a ramble i'm not rereading it so apologies if something is wrong or poorly articulated i also just woke up#i also hope i'm not coming off as defensive(?) over the show?? like i fully realize i'm biased because this is my special interest#and it's easier from the outside when there are controversies around creators of things you don't care about#to just say that the thing they made is bad or wrong anyway and to stop engaging with it#idk that probably doesn't make sense i'm just worried that i'm one of those people who uses#“seperate the art from the artist” in a wrong way or like as an excuse to not change my harmful behaviour#but idk i do think the show and its message about abuse stands on its own despite this. open to other input though of course#wow those tags were even more of a ramble i'm sorry#asks#m
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awright who let puzz play psychonauts again and start Thinking
It Never Ends! I am once again thinking about Psychonauts and specifically thinking about Loboto. Even More Specifically, I replayed the first game Yet Again recently and on hitting the scene where Loboto removes Dogen’s brain, had a moment of “huh, he’s like, way more measured and composed than I remembered,” and God Help Me that sent me on a horrible unending spiral of Revisiting and Thinking About and Theorizing On Things. And Now You Must All Read My Discoveries As Well. (placed under readmore because 1) this is gonna get long and 2) my god there will be major spoilers for Every Psychonauts Game.)
Welcome To The Thunderdome. Let’s Begin. In particular I am going to present to and discuss with you Three Distinct Things I Am Thinking About Loboto Based On In-Game Evidence That I Will Extrapolate, Present, and Argue To You All:
Cal’s childhood lobotomy did not, in fact, remove his psychic powers, only cut off his ability to consciously access and utilize them. He is still unconsciously using psychic abilities at the point that we see him in the games.
One of the most prominent impacts of the lobotomy on Cal appears to be his inability to recognize when he is doing harm, and to a certain related degree, how to interpret other peoples’ responses to him. When Raz helps recover his “moral compass”, Loboto actually becomes significantly more unstable as he struggles to process this, having likely gone most of his life without these capabilities.
Both of the above are causing some variant of Mental Projection to occur in Loboto’s mind, creating multiple conflicting archetypes/personas similar to what’s happening in Cassie’s mind.
So let’s go through each of these one by one! In excruciating detail!!
1) Cal’s childhood lobotomy did not, in fact, remove his psychic powers, only cut off his ability to consciously access and utilize them. He is still unconsciously using psychic abilities at the point that we see him in the games.
So for this one, we’re going to go through my evidence from “most textual” to “a little more speculative” in roughly that order. Obviously, none of this is explicit, but I’m doing my damndest to use things that can be fairly reasonably cited from Actual In Game rather than too deep in fanon/speculation.
The most textual example of Loboto having lingering psychic abilities despite his lobotomy is, in fact, his mental world in Psychonauts 2! This is something that’s a little more obvious on a rewatch/replay.
When you’re going through the game/level the first time, Sasha especially spends a lot of time discussing how Loboto’s mind must have been booby-trapped and messed with by his employer, because otherwise Loboto wouldn’t be able to resist the construct and otherwise give the agents the degree of run-around he’s putting them through. On a first playthrough, that makes perfect sense, especially when this plus additional evidence leads the agents to conclude Loboto’s employer was a mole within the Psychonauts itself. Obviously, a psychic from the agency messed with Loboto’s head and left all these psychic booby-traps for their coworkers!
But once you reach the end of the game and go back and look at this again, you realize, hey, wait. Loboto’s boss wasn’t a psychic at all! Quite explicitly!
Now I’m going to take a moment to argue against my own argument here, because there is evidence that Gristol would have been able to psychically fuck with Loboto despite not having psychic abilities himself.
[Image ID: A screenshot from a cutscene in Psychonauts 2, showing the receptionist at the Motherlobe levitating a ThinkerPrint Reader (a small brain-shaped disc with a blue glowing eye symbol in the middle). End ID.]
We see in-game that these little brain-disc-things - which Gristol would have had access to via Truman, since Truman has one on his person - are able to provide some limited degree of psychic power even to people who don’t otherwise have those abilities. Namely, the front desk receptionist is able to telekinetically lift one and scan Raz with it when he arrives, despite dialogue later on suggesting she isn’t a psychic herself. It’s entirely possible Gristol used that to fuck with Loboto’s head and place all those psychic booby traps.
But ho ho!! Now I’m going to counter-argue this counter-argument, to get you all back on board with my original argument!! Because despite this possibility, it’s also pretty textual that Gristol is a fuck-up who’s not very good at planning. The entirety of Psychonauts 2 is a display of him not really having any back-up plans for any possible hiccups in his original plan (as soon as Lili reveals a boyfriend he didn’t know about, his response is Fake A Coma), and of said plan being undone mostly by his own sloppy work (shipping his own body back to the base in a poorly-taped box with a key to his former residence in his pockets). The thought of this same man having the capability and foresight to set up numerous highly effetive psychic booby-traps in the brain of his hired help, just in case that hired help got captured and psychically interrogated… it doesn’t feel likely.
(Now that I write it all out, in a lot of ways it feels like Gristol just… forgot about-slash-disregarded Loboto after he did the dirty work of kidnapping Truman and swapping the brains. Like, he only appears once in Gristol’s Big Special Mind-Ride of his Brilliant Plan, at the very end, in a barely-held-together-backroom type of area, and Gristol never so much as brings him up by name. Heck, in retrospect, I wouldn’t be surprised if Gristol deciding to Play Coma was equally as prompted by Guy Who Knows Everything, Who He Completely Disregarded and Left For Dead, falling out of a luggage rack unexpectedly right in front of him and Five Guys He's Trying To Fool Into Thinking He's Normal All The Time Truman. This is all totally off the topic at hand, though.)
Anyway! So Gristol being able to do anything significant and sophisticated vis-a-vis “psychic traps in Loboto’s mindscape” is wildly unlikely. While there’s still other possible explanations - Gristol maybe having other psychics in his employ in the Delugianaries or secret police, for example - that’s purely speculative and not supported by the text in any kind of reasonably-explicit way, which is what I’m trying to focus on for the purposes of this argument. Hey, you know what is explicit in the text, though? Loboto once having psychic powers, to a degree that he was using telekinesis Very Capably as a Literal Infant. That, combined with all the above evidence (plus other circumstantial stuff we’ll get into in a second), means the most likely answer to “how is Loboto resisting the agents and the mental construct?” is “his psychic powers are still There, and acting subconsciously to protect Loboto in this situation, even though he’s no longer able to access and use those powers by conscious effort”.
Now let’s get to evidence of a “still textual, but not as compelling” flavor. For this, we’re going to go back to the original Psychonauts, and also touch on Rhombus of Ruin a bit.
As some of y’all probably remember from messing around in the original game, because there’s still some of that point-and-click inventory flavor, you can try to use the psycho-portal on characters that don’t have mental worlds, and you’ll get some flavor text explaining in some form or another why you can’t do that. This includes Crispin (you get a note from Loboto saying he’s protected “his patient” from psychic procedures, Haha Hey Man Uhhh How Did Y), Sheegor, and most pressingly for this line of argument, Loboto himself, who claims his shower cap is protecting his mind from being entered.
This Is All Well and Good until Literally The Next Day In-Universe when his mind is able to be entered. Twice, in fact. Please recall that the start of Psychonauts 2 is, at a stretch, maybe a few hours after Rhombus of Ruin. (“Haha well Puzz clearly they just retconned it so they could do a Loboto mental world–” no. That’s not Fun and it’s not Text. This overthinking-ass essay is about Engaging With The Text As It Stands.)
So what’s different about the first time Raz (et all) attempts to enter Loboto’s mind (in the original game) and the second-slash-third time (during and after Rhombus of Ruin)? Nothing that would particularly have an impact, except for one big thing: in the latter cases, Loboto is either “immediately in the presence of” or “has just barely left the immediate presence of” Like A Lot Of Psilirium. You Know. The Rock That Dampens Psychic Powers. Which leads me to believe Loboto’s psychic powers are still active, just in an unconscious way (protecting him from psychic invasion without him even realizing it) instead of in a way he has to consciously act on.
Now, why am I categorizing this as less compelling evidence than Loboto resisting the mental construct later on? Because unlike that case, there actually is a reasonable, textual alternative to the answer of “yeah Loboto’s still unconsciously psychic”. The answer is named Coach Morceau Oleander.
Unlike Gristol, Oleander has a lot going for him on the level of “could fuck with Loboto’s mind a bit to put up some psychic defenses”. For one, Oleander is a psychic, and despite everything, a highly trained and very powerful one. (Like, much as he’s kind of a goofy fuck-up, Oleander’s also implied to have been an agent for at least as long as Sasha and Milla, and he’s able to hold his own in a fight against both of them at once - it literally takes Ford flying in and de-braining him to win that confrontation.) Two, we already have textual evidence of Oleander messing with people’s brains to his own ends, in the form of both Linda (though in some ways that could loop back around to supporting Loboto Is Still Psychic, since he seems to have had some degree of a hand in that) and more prominently, poor ol’ Boyd. If he was able to do that much involuntarily with Boyd, it doesn’t seem out of the question for him to hop in and put up some psychic defenses for more voluntary subjects like Crispin and Loboto. It would also make sense for those defenses to either wear down or wear off once Loboto was in the presence of Psilirium, thus continuing to explain why Loboto’s protected in the first game but not in any of the games following.
So - taken on its own, not particularly decisive evidence. In combination with the much-stronger “resisting the mental construct” example, though, I’d say it presents a pretty strong case.
Now comes my most tenuous and speculative example. This is about as much as a stretch I’m going to let myself go with any of these - a case of “well you can extrapolate this from the text provided, I guess, even if it never says it explicitly to any kind of degree”.
Ladies, gentlemen, and those rightfully opting out. It is time to talk about Loboto’s Fucking Prosthetic.
[Image ID: A full rotation of Loboto’s “Monstroboto” character model, which shows him shirtless with the full prosthetic right arm visible. It is attached to his torso with several straps and has a single visible hinge at the elbow.]
Look at this thing. This is a fucking mannequin arm with a pepper grinder on it. How Is This Thing Able To Operate With Any Kind of Sophistication Without Telekinesis. Like, the man is gesticulating and grabbing objects and tapping his little knife fingers, how in the Hell.
There’s a lot of reasons this is tenuous evidence at best. For one, we only get this super clear view of the entire prosthetic construction inside Loboto’s mind, which means it’s extremely possible it’s abstracted, metaphorical, or an abstracted metaphor in one form or another. (I don’t interpret Loboto’s exposed brain as textual in the “real world” for this reason - we only ever see it exposed in his mental worlds, and in both cases in a scenario where him having an exposed brain under the cap serves some kind of symbolic/metaphorical purpose - but for several reasons, the prosthetic feels more grounded in reality despite this. Anyway, that’s all a tangent regardless.) There could also be hidden mechanics that allow it to move the way it does, or it could just be an abstraction of the art style (though again, I’m trying not to let out-of-story things like that be answers to these questions). But it’s really hard to imagine the Hinged Peppermill With Claws having the range of movement it does without Loboto unconsciously moving it with telekinesis.
For that matter, I feel similarly about his eye lenses - we see them moving around independently, zooming in and out without him touching them, and so on, and like… how? How?? Maybe it’s just that I’m not biomechanically minded-slash-informed, but “yeah he’s just moving them psychically without realizing” does feel like a more viable answer than any alternatives, if not one with a ton of super obvious and textual evidence behind it. Once again, though, in combination with other evidence, it does have more weight behind it.
In summary: Loboto’s able to resist psychic interference, actively fight back against trained Psychonauts in his own mind, and move his various prosthetics and augments in highly refined ways. All these things, especially taken all together, make the most sense if you assume his psychic powers are still acting subconsciously, and he’s just not able to consciously access and use them in the ways he did pre-lobotomy.
2) One of the most prominent impacts of the lobotomy on Cal appears to be his inability to recognize when he is doing harm, and to a certain related degree, how to interpret other peoples’ responses to him. When Raz helps recover his “moral compass”, Loboto actually becomes significantly more unstable as he struggles to process this, having likely gone most of his life without these capabilities.
This is going to be a little less “I cite direct evidence in support of my argument” and more “I point out specific scenes and instances of behavior, how I’m interpreting them, and why I’m interpreting that way”. Hopefully you will stick with me here.
So, as I stated waaaay back at the start of this, what set me off on this whole journey was going back through some of the original Psychonauts cutscenes, seeing Loboto in action, and going, “Woah, hey, he’s like way more measured than I remembered him being”. So let’s go into more detail on that and unpack it a bit!!
There’s a consistent and distinct pattern of behavior Loboto exhibits in his scenes in the first game: screeching, in-your-face Mad Scientist rambling, and then suddenly, these dips into like… oddly quiet, composed, weirdly Professional (if decidedly eccentric) behavior. The cutscenes with Dogen are a really good example - he has his big INSANITY OF A MANATEE THIS WILL ONLY HURT TILL YOUR BRAIN COMES FLYING OUT speech, but in-between and especially after that, he kind of quiets down and starts acting like an Actual Slightly Eccentric Dentist. (In fact, here’s the full transcript of the scene that sent me down this whole rabbit-hole, for context:
Dr. Loboto: Oh, good boy! There's that pesky brain. Here's a tissue. Now don't you feel better, my dear lad? Dogen: [Now brainless] TV..? Dr. Loboto: Of course! Right here. [Loboto picks up Dogen's brain off the floor.] And THIS bad tooth, we'll just drop it in the ol' garbage chute. Now don't chew solid foods for the next six hours!
It really knocked me off balance seeing it, so I made a point of going and watching the full Lili’s bracelet clairvoyance cutscene in full, to see if he behaved similarly there. And he didn’t! He’s full Mad Scientist Haha Crazy there, the entire time!! I had to think on it for a while, and I realized there was one major difference - Lili continues to be defiant and difficult in conversation the entire time, while Dogen responds pretty calmly and doesn’t start freaking out until it’s clear His Brain Will Be Removed, which is also when Loboto starts going more Mad Scientist again. (Again, below’s the full transcript of the Lili scene for context.)
Dr. Loboto: Well, I've reviewed your chart, little girl. The bad news is, we're going to have to remove your brain... strap it into an armored battle tank, and have it shoot down innocent civilians with its concentrated psychic death beam! Lili: I'm gonna kill you so much. Dr. Loboto: The good news is that your insurance is going to cover the whole thing. So! ... Hey, is it getting warm in here? Lili: No, I'm trying to set you on fire through this stupid hat! Dr. Loboto: What a delightfully mean little brain you have! Just what we want! Here, do me a favor. Tell me if this smells like... YOUR DOOM! Heh heh! Lili: I-I can't smell anything. Dr. Loboto: Curses! [Lili laughs at him] You're a stubborn little ball of phlegm, ain't ya? Well, that head cold won't protect you forever, little girl, and when it's gone you'll be sneezing a different tune. A tune in the key of... brains! HAAA HA HA!
His last big cutscene with Sheegor really hammers everything home. He’s full Mad Scientist again, he’s screaming and experimenting and Actively Threatening and Tormenting Her the entire time. Then Sheegor leaves and just, measured and nonchalant as anything: “When you're a dentist, you have to learn to have a sense of humor, you know. It helps to calm the patient down.” (It’s also worth noting a lot of the torment, at least to me, comes off as kinda “dipshit older sibling who commits to the bit of teasing Way Way Past where it’s all in good fun for the younger sibling”. Like he just keeps Going and Playfully Backing Off and then Actually Still Going. It’s so awful it loops around to being funny again. I'm so so sorry Sheegor I love you and you don't deserve this but I am laughing)
I think Loboto really, unironically, genuinely thinks this is what he’s doing in all these situations. He’s a dentist, he’s got all these difficult patients around, so he’s going to joke with them! A bit of friendly teasing and playing up his eccentric behavior to get them to calm down for the procedure! At the point where all this is happening, I think he’s genuinely incapable of comprehending-slash-accepting that he’s actually doing harm and that they’re actually, rightfully scared of him. Not in a like “oh uwu he didn’t know he did anything bad he’s just a nice guyyyy” way, but in a “his brain is literally, textually, physically damaged in such a way that he cannot comprehend this” way. As far as he can tell, he’s doing some freelance dentistry (plus or minus a few things, you know how it is when you’re doing work-for-hire type stuff, you never know what the client’s gonna ask you for) and sometimes he’s gotta joke around when he gets a patient that’s nervous or difficult. All in good fun!
Then, of course, we get Rhombus of Ruin and the mental compass. If you’ve played or watched that game, you know all this already. Raz recovers the mental compass from the vault and Loboto’s demeanor completely shifts again. He recognizes aloud, for the first time since we’ve been introduced to him, that he has done Horrible Things. (We will see him continuing to do this in his level in Psychonauts 2, but we’ll get to that.) He seems, very genuinely, saddened and horrified with himself as he says all this. Raz has very literally reintroduced Physical-Slash-Psychic Capacity To Recognize Harm to Loboto’s brain. Given what we learn about Loboto’s past here, it is very much possible that this is the first time he has had this capability since he was a very young child.
Another thing that happens is, in rapid succession, Loboto chooses to Immediately Make Reconciliatory Actions (releasing the Psychonauts, telling the fish henchmen to leave), and then also Blow The Building Up Right Now. For No Clear Reason. For Zero Benefit, In Fact, The Opposite Of Benefit, He Also Has to Frantically Escape This Now. It’s completely illogical, erratic behavior that’s in conflict with itself. And that pattern… kind of stays consistent from that point out, actually! Almost his entire appearance in 2 is him very literally arguing with himself, acting in erratic and conflicting ways - pretty much going to the Psychonauts for protection and redemption yet also actively giving them the run-around and preventing them from finding his boss; alternately trying to connect with or get pity from the agents, then being aggressive or insulting towards them, then being kind of playfully, teasingly antagonistic at worst. While Raz reintroducing his moral compass is probably objectively a good thing for Loboto in the long run, in the short-term having that level of major, major change in his damaged brain seems to have significantly destabilized his behavior and sense of identity (we’ll get into that in just a moment) in ways that make him much less predictable and more erratic compared to how he was pre-RoR.
In summary: Loboto at the time of the original Psychonauts is eccentric and dangerous, but he’s also consistent and stable in his behavior and identity, acting consistently as a freelance dentist who plays up his eccentricity, teasing or otherwise joking around in an effort to “calm down” his “patients”. It’s likely he’s physically unable to comprehend that he’s doing harm and scaring people, due to the brain damage from his childhood lobotomy. Raz reintroducing his moral compass in Rhombus of Ruin fixes this, but makes Loboto much more unstable and unpredictable as he grapples both with the harm he’s done over the years, and with trying to suddenly live with a brain function he hasn’t had for most of his life.
3) Both of the above are causing some variant of Mental Projection to occur in Loboto’s mind, creating multiple conflicting archetypes/personas similar to what’s happening in Cassie’s mind.
In connection with the above, It’s Time To Talk About the Multiple Lobotos.
[Image ID: A screenshot from Psychonauts 2, showing two Lobotos in his mental world - one in bright light sitting in a dentist chair on the right side, the other standing in the shadows on the left. End ID.]
Every time we see Loboto’s mental world, there are multiple distinct, individual, and simultaneous versions of Loboto Himself in operation. Not different and distinctly individual personalities, like Fred and Napoleon. Not separated alter-egos representing a part of oneself, like Edgar and El Odio, or Bob and Turnip-Bob. Not even fragmented personalities that appear one at a time, like the different versions of Ford. There are multiple versions of Loboto that are Just A Loboto - literally the most different they get is “one time one of them pretended to be a whaler” - operating at the same time as each other, in the same scenes as each other, interacting with each other, sometimes in direct opposition to each other. There is only one other place in the entire series where we see this happening.
[Image ID: A screenshot from Psychonauts 2, showing the “librarian” Archetype of Cassie O’Pia tearing up a book with Raz on the left side and her three other Archetypes on the right. End ID.]
THAT’S RIGHT BABY AFTER ALL THESE YEARS I FINALLY RETROACTIVELY FOUND AN EXPLANATION FOR THE CALLY O’PIA AU anyway where was I. Yeah.
The way the different versions of Cal operate in his mind and interact with each other is more similar to Cassie’s Archetypes than anything else we see in anyone else’s minds. The only major differences are “Loboto’s Archetypes aren’t flat paper illustrations” (and I think it’s remarkably easy, even reasonable, to assume that’s a Cassie-specific stylization that Raz only retains because Cassie directly teaches him and he’s thus using her Archetypes as a reference point - Cassie’s a writer; what reason would everyone else in the world have to render their Archetypes as if they were illustrations in a book?) and “Loboto doesn’t refer to or treat the other versions of himself as Archetypes” (of course he doesn’t, I don’t see any reason or scenario where he could have reasonably learned about Archetypes, in either a psychological or psychic sense - he literally does not have the knowledge or the language to do this). Honestly, interpreting the different Lobotos as different Archetypes explains a lot about how they act, what they’re doing in Loboto’s mind and why they’re in the parts of the story they are. I am going to talk about each individual version of Loboto and what I think they’re doing Archetype-wise based on the text now, because none of you can stop me.
Psychonauts 2 Loboto #1, AKA Patient Loboto: This guy, and Psychonauts 2 Loboto #2, tie in the most to the above discussion on Loboto becoming more outwardly unstable after recovering his mental compass, and so I’m going to refer back to and expand on that with the both of them. This Loboto is explicitly the one we see in the patient chair during those cutscenes in his level, the one we see speaking to Raz directly in the poster hall section, and I would argue he’s likely the version we see at the very start of the level in the office construct (or at the very least, he's the one "running" Loboto at that point, in the same way the Librarian is "running" Cassie when we first meet her). He’s the version of Loboto we see most blatantly grappling with the return of his mental compass - he regrets the things he’s done in the past, he’s seems to be vying to connect with the agents on some level, he’s genuinely upset about being tricked and about being unable to tell Raz what’s up with his boss. This puts him in direct conflict with…
Psychonauts 2 Loboto #2, AKA Doctor Loboto: This guy is also the result of Loboto’s Newfound Ability To Recognize Morals, but in the opposite direction. He’s the one who’s fully embracing the identity he’s built as an amoral mad-scientist-for-hire, figuring he’s better off just continuing the path he’s already on and disregarding the new knowledge that It’s Wrong, rather than go through all the trouble and misery and Active Risk To Self of trying to Be Redeemed. Basically, he’s the one looking at OG Psychonauts version of Loboto and going What If We Just Went Back To That Actually. Fuck Character Development. He is, obviously, the one we see as the dentist in the cutscenes in Loboto’s level, as well as pretty textually the one who grabs Raz from behind the painting in Lili’s section.
Monstroboto: Back to RoR now! This one’s pretty textual as well - this the uncontrolled, untethered, don’t-know-or-care-if-it-hurts-someone version of Loboto. (As I type this, I realize it’s worth noting, this version of Loboto is very obviously “playing” as he attacks, in the same way I observed Psychonauts 1 Loboto having a playful tone to his antagonism, as if he’s not recognizing that he’s actively hurting and terrifying people while doing so. All his attacks are either that, or actively retaliatory. I'm Simply Saying I Can Read Some Subtext.) Between that and the exposed brain, it’s pretty obvious this is representing the post-lobotomy Loboto (how he sees himself? How he thinks others see him? All that’s speculation, mine friends…) - wreaking havoc on Loboto’s ability to engage with other parts of himself and develop a fully fledged mindscape.
First Mate Loboto: This one’s a little more speculative and could mean a lot of things, but bear with me. As above, this could well be the part of Loboto that wants to distance himself from what he became after the lobotomy - whether that means ignoring it entirely and trying to go back to how things were “before”, or more likely, based on his dialogue, trying to move on and grow past it; “sail for new waters”, in his own words. It’s also possible he’s something of Loboto’s idealized self - he’s just as eccentric and dramatic as the real deal, but at least more theoretically heroic and adventurous - and/or, tying into a lot of the themes of the RoR version of Loboto’s mind, kind of a childish “what I want to be when I grow up” version of himself. (We see lots of nautical themes in Loboto’s childhood, after all, with the sea life toys and the little sailor boy outfit and all; while it’s certainly speculative, it’s not a huge leap to think little Loboto might have wanted to grow up to be like, a sailor or something of that ilk.)
Young Loboto: This one’s pretty obvious; he’s very literally the Inner Child. (You Know. Like Psychology.) Just like Li’l Oly in Oleander’s mind, this is the part of Cal who was Very Hurt when he was Very Young and has never had the means or opportunity to process it - he’s just stuck in that mental vault, buried away, playing out what he’s experienced over and over and over again as a helpless, outside observer. (I think it’s Very telling that Raz releasing the vault and, in essence, establishing a connection between Inner Child Loboto and the other parts of himself is what restores Loboto’s ability to use his moral compass.)
So, in total, we’ve got five distinct Lobotos in play through what we see: Inner Child, First Mate, Monstroboto, Patient and Doctor. And, in a case very similar to what we see of Cassie’s Archetypes, each of these versions of him are a result of a Very Specific Point in his life and a subsequent need to fulfill a Very Specific Purpose for his continued functioning and survival. The Inner Child is, well, Loboto As A Child (and less literally, the version of him that’s kind of holding on to his trauma so the rest of the versions of him don’t necessarily have to reckon with it); Monstroboto is what’s taken over post-lobotomy; First Mate is what he either Wanted or Wants to be and isn’t because of said lobotomy; and Patient and Doctor are the two options he has post-recovering his moral compass, either continuing on the path he’s already on, or abandoning it for the hard road of Trying To Be Better.
And again, much like Cassie, none of those Archetypes on their own are getting the job done on their own. Doctor and Monstroboto are extremely destructive and don’t seem much able to form meaningful relationships because of it, Patient is an erratic coward who’s constantly miserable and collapsing under the weight of What He’s Done, Inner Child is a Child, and First Mate is a cartoon character. It’s very likely that a theoretical healthier, more functional version of Loboto would have to reconcile these different Archetypes the same way we eventually see Cassie do, or at the very least get them on terms where they’re not Actively Opposing Each Other At All Times.
In summary: Loboto has multiple Archetypes active in his mind the same way Cassie does, and much like Cassie, the Archetypes being in conflict with each other plays a major role in his instability, especially post-RoR. Again like Cassie, it’s likely Loboto would have to reconcile his different archetypes - especially the ones in direct conflict, as we see in his mind in Psychonauts 2 - in some form or another to become more mentally stable.
SO IN CONCLUSION, I hope this Rambling Essay and Cited Evidence has convinced you all that:
Loboto is still psychic, but his powers only manifest unconsciously, and he isn’t able to use them by conscious choice as when he was a child. (Whether or not it’s possible for him to eventually re-access those powers consciously is very much a “your guess is as good as mine” situation - Loboto's the only lobotomized psychic we see in the series, and no other in-game sources on the history or results of the practice.)
Regaining his moral compass for the first time since childhood makes Loboto behave significantly more erratically and unpredictably, in no small part because–
Loboto has several mental Archetypes in direct conflict with each other, especially after regaining his moral compass.
What does all this mean? I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know. I just wanted to get all this out of my head. Now it lives in yours instead. Have fun!!
#anonymous puzzler writes#long post#like really long. like REALLY long. i'm so sorry I hope tumblr cuts it properly for all your sakes.#psychonauts#caligosto loboto#psychonauts spoilers#psychonauts 2 spoilers#rhombus of ruin spoilers#tw medical abuse#ask if you need anything else tagged y'all ty!#god help me i just needed this all Out Of My Head. This Is How I Live Out Here
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This is on my tiktok but I wanted to post it here too bc it's really been bugging me
The caption essentially said that if I see a characterisation I don't like (I used the example of big buff alpha remus) I just scroll because clearly the content was made for someone else and I'm not the target audience
#let people have different interpretations#let out of character fics exist#there's no one right way to write and view a character#if someone wants to throw out canon and write their own interpretation that is AMAZING#if someone wants to explore what one change (such as the black cousins being in an abusive household) could have on the story LET THEM#stop crushing the creativity of young teens because you can't have fun#marauders era#marauders#mwpp#feel kind of bad tagging this with all the fandom tags I'm sorry :/ I just wanted to get it out there#to show people who do write 'ooc' interpretations thay that is FINE#and most people are SO PROUD that you're able to explore and share that creativity with us#dldr#DON'T LIKE DON'T READ#remember that?#there's nothing wrong with liking canon characterisation but you don't have to be a dick about it#you don't have to force it onto everyone around you#they're allowed to make their own versions up#dead gay wizards#id feel so bad putting ship or character tags#bc that's not the content ppl on the tags wanna see so I won't
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Hi! Long time no yap but I've been really bothered by this thing and I know you're just the person I can go to with this (even if we don't always end up agreeing at times).
I got into a tiff with someone in a comments section of a post that was about Amy (Which character do you think deserved to become a villain? or something similar). They brought up Amy's abuse of her boyfriend. I may have tried to defend Amy (key word is tried. I am officially rubbish at debating) but then I may have said something? Because they said that I (and apparently a lot of other fans) was excusing Amy's abuse because of her trauma. It got me stumped because isn't young Amy's treatment of Rory rooted in her trauma? Did I miss the memo where we separate trauma and abuse? Am I missing something?
That statement bothered me a lot because if there's one thing I never want to do it's defend an abuser. So here I am, humbly asking and hoping to clear the muddy waters.
Your really confused and disturbed moot, Tia 💌
TIA!!!!! Thanks for the ask �� , and I send you all the hugs.
Discussion of abuse, trauma, ableism, infidelity, and unhealthy relationship dynamics beneath the cut.
(First off… while I really appreciate your faith in my explaining skills <3 <3 <3 my passion for traumatized characters and mentally ill+neurodivergent rights doesn't make me especially qualified to fully clear muddy waters especially not knowing the full context, but I feel you, and what follows is my informed perspective!)
Speaking generally first, harm done in media is best examined by the impact on the audience, with a different lens than harm done to real people. While relatable experiences in media can be useful and validating and incredibly important, you can’t be “defending an abuser” when the abuse is fictional. It's actually normal for traumatized/ND/mentally ill people to project onto mentally ill villains, when villains are the only significant representation for those stigmatized symptoms in a media landscape that excludes and demonizes us simply for existing. RTD can't stop people who hallucinate from reclaiming the Master's Drums and projecting onto the Master, for example — 90% of the best Doctor Who psychosis fic by psychotic authors is about the Master, whether RTD likes it or not. It's not true crime.
(This is speaking generally. Amy Pond is very much not the Master.)
Abuse is a behavior, and there can be many reasons for it, but reasons based in trauma don’t make it not abuse (some forms of generational trauma can propagate abusive parenting styles, when the parent thinks abusive parenting is normal, or lives entirely vicariously through their child). This absolutely should not be taken to mean trauma correlates with abusive behavior; rather that abusive behaviors from traumatized people are more likely to present in specific ways.
Abuse is also a targeted behavior, based in control — not consistently displayed C-PTSD symptoms as seen in Season 5 Amy Pond through many aspects of her life. Mental health symptoms don't become abuse just because they hinder one partner from meeting the other partner's needs. Any life event can do that.
Without knowing the context of the arguments, this is the aspect of their relationship I've seen you talk about before (which I also feel strongly about), and what I assume is what you were debating? So, here I will talk specifically in regard to Season 5.
We all know Amy — she's never attached to Leadworth because she never wanted to leave Scotland, no steady therapist because none of them stick up for her, can't stick with one job yet her first choice is a job that simulates intimacy because her avoidant behavior (a known trauma response) isn't sustainable to her wellbeing. Rory knows her fears of commitment stem from her repeated abandonments, it’s why he’ll always wait for her, and it's why he blames the Doctor “You make it so they don't want to let you down.”, who apart from having caused a lot of her trauma, has actively taken advantage of her being the “Scottish girl in the English village” who's “still got that accent,” because he wants to feel important, so yeah, I think interpreting Amy's issues (and how Amy and Rory transverse them) as Amy abusing Rory indicates a fundamental misunderstanding of their relationship, as well as a misunderstanding of the (raggedy) Doctor’s role in Amy’s formative self-image (which of course she works through in Season 6, but I am sticking to Season 5).
Abuse is always based in control. That just doesn’t fit here. While Amy's detachment from her real life includes things like calling Rory her “kind of boyfriend” (which she is upfront about to his face; differing commitment levels isn't abuse, though it can be a relationship red flag for both parties IRL) — her Season 5 disregard of Rory’s feelings occurs only in response to the fairytale embodiment of her trauma. It's never a response to Rory; it's a response to the Doctor, who stole her childhood and led her by the hand to her death. She cheats on Rory with the Doctor in her bedroom full of Doctor toys, drawings, models, she made from childhood to early adulthood.
(And yes, like many repeatedly-traumatized people, Amy is prone to being sensitive and reactive. Take her “Well, shut up then!” line in The Big Bang; but given Rory responds to this by hugging her, clearly he doesn’t take it as her actually dismissing him. He knows her better than that.)
And by no means do I meant to imply this is fair to young Rory, poor Rory, who's left struggling with the feeling that his role in her life is in competition with the role of her trauma (aka the Doctor). But not every unhealthy relationship dynamic is unhealthy because of abuse. Labelling Amy's treatment of Rory in Season 5 more accurately isn't the same as excusing her harmful choices — but making mistakes is part of being human, Amy's mistakes are certainly understandable, and she works through them out of love for Rory.
If there's one thing to say about Moffat women, it's that Moffat allows his female characters the same grace that the male characters *coughTENcough* have always had, to hurt and struggle and make realistic mistakes and overcome those mistakes and to heal without being demonized.
Amy isn't perfect, but she is a fully realized character, and her story gives us a resonant depiction of childhood trauma.
#abuse#rtd critical#anti rtd#im NOT really anti rtd but im tagging it that because some people block that tag and uhhhh this post strays into rtd critique#maybe he does regret how he wrote the master! we'll never know because rtd is very anti-admitting-his-own-mistakes#words by seaweed#anyways tia i am. SO relieved you’re not upset with me about our last disagreement?#i high key jumped to conclusions after the lack of reply to the last DM? so thank you for this ask it's great to hear from you#sorry you were in a debate about this! that sounds extremely awful.#anyway i'm gonna WAIT at least a week to tag Amy and Rory to avoid this showing up in the character tags right away haha#because I am KINDA scared the anti-media-literacy ppl will find this (I had to include the first part tho its important)#(lack of distinction between harm to audience *in fiction* and irl harm *to actual ppl* leads to problematic public apologies where-#-public figures apologize to fans they let down *instead* of the people they actually hurt. no it doesn't work like that)#(parasocial relationships are not more important than real victims agency or privacy)#and I am planning to make a post at some point about the nd aspects of Amy+the Doctor's connection which this stuff IS relevant to soooooo#am I going hard on specifying Season 5 Amy to under the assumption that the uncharacteristic Rory-slapping isnt whats bein talked abt?#maybe. its not in character.#editing to say..... yanno what? ive come to terms with not all the posts with the following tag been about the doctor#(eleventh) doctor is neurodivergent tag#editing again to add character tags:#Amy pond#Rory williams
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One thing I really wish the FF Community would Stop doing is Removing All Nuance from the Parents in Those Stories in order to Make Them Abusive Supervillains who Never Loved their Kid.
Like... In the Four Years I've been here, and for how Small the Community really is, you'd be surprised how many Times I've seen it-
#The Most Prominent (and Worst) Example I can Give is with Alec’s Mother#Like... Yeah- She listens to Fucking Books and is a Karen basically- She's not a Good Mother#But making her into an Abusive Mother who Never Loved Alec and just wants to Control Him?? I think we read the Wrong Book Guys-#That Removes alot of the Tragedy in Lonely Freddy- The Fact that Things could've Gotten Better if they just Talked#But they can't anymore since Alec is Trapped in a Dumpster...#There's also plenty of More Examples I can Give#Devon's Mother isn’t Abusive or Homophobic- She’s a Struggling Woman who was Abused herself (Devon’s Father threw things at her)#Which in turn from that Struggle- Has made her Neglectful of Him#I can't really say much for Pete's Mom since I forgot alot of Step Closer- but making her a Comical Abusive Mother probably isn’t accurate.#I even once saw Oswald's Dad get Villainized and Like... We definitely must've read the wrong story cause the worst thing I remember him#doing is getting upset at Oswald for going Into the Pit#It's usually always the Mothers who get Villainized tho- Like... If we're going to look at their Kids with Nuance and-#- believe they could get better if their stories didn't end with Tragedy#Why can't we do the same for their Parents??#Also if you REALLY want like... an Abusive Parent to Hate- Greg's Dad is right There.#Angel's Step Dad is Pretty Abusive too from what I heard (I never read the Story)#I'm just saying- There’s no need to villainize the Parents with Actual Nuance to Comical Degrees#fazbear frights#<- Tagging it because it's something I've really grown tired of...#Oh Yeah in Case I wasn't Clear#I don't think the Ones I mentioned above are good Parents necessarily (Besides maybe Oswald's Dad)#I just Don't like when people make every single one of them Super Mega Abusive cause that like... Kinda removes the fact that you can be a-#- Bad Parent WITHOUT being Abusive or Hating their Kids?? Like... You're kinda removing alot of Gray and making things very Black and White#Ok sorry for Writing an Essay in the Tags- I just had alot to Explain
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i would like to see the uncut "room punishment" (if you dont mind)
I might be hyping it up too much but basically what happened was this:
David's pretty spoiled and doesn't do much in the way of chores. Roy tells David to clean his room and David refuses, he says that can't he doesn't know how.
Roy decides that if he doesn't want to listen then he'll lock him in his room until he does it, but David gets too overwhelmed by the thought of even starting the task and basically just shuts down and starts crying, saying that he can't do it.
This goes on like all day. Eventually breakfast and lunch pass and he still hasn't done it. Lesley is getting more and more pissed that Roy won't just relent and they get into a big argument about it where Lesley points out that he said he wanted to be better than his own father was to him, and that finally gets him to give in.
#I honestly can't tell if I'm over hyping this or not but it made me a bit shaky to type out#sorry that its typed out like a bullet list instead of a real story I honestly dont think I can elaborate#my parents don't abuse me but I do remember when I was younger being yelled at and mocked when I was too overwhelmed to do a basic task :(#two of us AU#two of us!David#child abuse tw#ask to tag
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Time and distance heals things I guess. My parents got into an abusive fight with me after i took markers and pens to most of my clothes in middle school to scribble doodles and social justice messages (most prominently, Save Darfur–which really needs to be a rallying cry again given that the genocide has kicked up again as the Sudanese civil war rages). They were worried I'd look "unpresentable" in my massively oversized boy graphic tees and baggy jeans held up only by the grace of God (this was all by choice btw, i had and have always despised tight clothing and by middle school I had shunned girl clothes all together). But now at 31 I make mention of writing messages in sharpie on new t-shirts and my mom thinks it's cool and my dad offered to buy me proper fabric markers (I declined bc the cheap shirts will prolly wear out before the sharpies fade anyway). Go figure
#it should be noted that both parents GENUINELY APOLOGIZED for how they treated me as a kid#i had gone non contact with my mom for about 8 years and with my dad for almost a full decade#things with my mom had been okayish for a few years prior to covid but we never really discussed it#but when covid hit they both independently (they've been divorced 4 years) realized there was every chance i would die#and that my medically fragile ass would die resenting them#so they really freaked out and began begging my forgiveness#in the same week too oddly enough. they didn't discuss it with each other before hand so that was a wild week#I'm not necessarily sure i forgive them but I'm not angry anymore#it doesn't absolve them but they grew up in the 'don't comfort your crying baby' era of childcare#and didn't know what to do with a child in constant chronic pain and agony and depression#it doesn't justify how they treated me but it does explain how it ended up like this#i feel sorry for them more than anything these days#Anyway tagging this as#child abuse#still tho
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ah. so aaron deactivated his instagram. and the people that harass him in his comments section and laugh about his abuse to his face are going to act like they're not part of the problem. haha just grandma being evil again, right? because being absolutely horrendous about his life in his comments won't cause him to rely on her further? because we are all so caught up in the joy of having a laugh at his wife that we will do it without thought of the consequences they will have for him personally? because we care more about him as an entertainer than we do about the fact that he's a person? and a victim? right? haha? we're not part of the problem no of course not, it's all because his mean old ugly wife is old and ugly and that's sooo bizarre and we all deserve to fuck him more than her so we can say whatever we want and hurt him when he's vulnerable. can you people be smart about this for two fucking seconds haha fucking PLEASE??? i'm so tired.
the fact that he was even on social media in the first place was a blessing. he's been run off before and of course it happened again. he's talked about how it hurts, he sees that shit guys, and making mean-spirited jokes about his life is not the intervention you think it is. it hurts more than helps. but i'm glad you had fun i guess.
#i'm mad#sorry#i try not to talk about it here#obviously. it is all his personal life and sure. the abuse is alleged.#but you are still harassing him. why do people think that's okay or funny.#if you want to talk about hating her don't fucking do it like this. its not worth it. evidently#and i'm not talking to anyone in particular here. i know i say 'you' a lot but the post is aimed at his instagram followers#im just speaking angrily#aaron taylor-johnson#fuck it its going in the bullet train tag#bullet train
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thinking about how akio sees his younger self in utena and wondering if there's any fondness there. doesn't change the horror of what he does to her obviously but i do wonder
#akio and utena#m#long ramble in the tags sorry:#the thing about akio is that he's so evil bit he's also so human#he has feelings. i just don't know what they are (if anything) toward his victims#he loves anthy at the very least i'm sure of that. even if he hates her too. just like she loves and hates him. the lines are blurry.#and i just. i have to wonder whether any of that extends to utena at all. we know anthy at times feels similarly about utena and dios#(and akio by extension.) the simultanious love and resentment. so it's not too unlikely i think.#like. even though he never had anything but bad intentions in getting close to her#i'm not sure it's possible to do everything he did and feel nothing#not that he has any meaningful amount of guilt or remorse for it. i don't think that.#and i obviously don't think he “loved” her in any of the ways she might have thought he did#but did he not care at all? did he not feel any kind of fondness or sympathy or just. idk. pity? for her?#whatever the case it wasn't enough to reconsider having her killed so you know. how much does that actually matter anyway#idk. i think about it a lot. how abusers are rarely entirely indifferent toward their victims#the role he's playing in her life is so fucked up but it IS a role he's playing and i wonder how much he you know... internalizes it?#how much does he believe the illusion of family that he invites her into? because akio DOES often buy into his own illusions.#(similarly i think it's possible that akio is fond of touga too. their mentor-protégé relationship is horrible and abusive#but that doesn't make it less real. you know? maybe real is the wrong word.)#when he talks in episode 25 about wanting utena and anthy closer that's obviously so he can continue to groom her#but is there something genuine there too? i don't know.#again. it obviously does not make anything he does better or even different. but it is interesting to think about to me.#on the other side of that coin does seeing his own past youth and naivete and desire to do good that he (maybe) once had#reflected back at him through her mean anything?#is there resentment there? that she is what he couldn't be? or more likely he just thinks that idealism is stupid.#either way it's something he wants to take from her. anyway ramble over.#i talk a lot about utena's feelings toward akio (familial vs romantic love and the way the two are intertwined in fucked up ways)#but not much the other way around. probably because utena is actually a sympathetic character whose feelings the show very clearly#wants you to analyze and think about.#which is... less true for akio i think. though he's still a complex character with complex motives. he's just harder to get a grasp on.
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okay but what if one of the zodiacs Left. what if they packed their bags in the dead of night and ran away, not letting anyone know where they went. what if Yuki escaped Sohma grounds? what if Kazuma took Kyo and bolted? what if Rin or Kureno decided they'd had enough and got the hell out of dodge? i know the bond supposedly keeps them under Akito's thumb and Akito would never let them leave, but what if they tried? what if a near-death experience scared them enough to finally escape. what if they got sick of their life with the Sohmas or were afraid of Akito's wrath and decided to run for the exit while they were desperate enough to try. what if the zodiacs just. left.
#sorry thinking about au ideas again#i know full well that there are psychological abuse-related reasons that none of the zodiacs tried to leave#or zodiac-adjacent sohmas like kazuma#but i keep thinking about the abuse they suffered and how akito literally conditioned them to feel unable to leave#and i'm like - but what if they *did* leave?#what then? what would they do? what would the sohma family do?#it would cause so many problems and i for one would love to see it#fruits basket#sage speaketh#au tag
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Attept 2 [the first is not seeing the light of day] I need to make her a proper pallet. This will take a lot of colour picking bc lighting effects but it will save time. The old one is badddd and idk what each set of colours are for... anyway her<3
#thebirdarts#Uhh my wol? Idk if she has a tag#Eh I'll look in the art one#God same design since I started. Shit that was three years ago#Im too poor for fantasia abuse#I have some things I'm not 100% on bc it was years ago and I wasn't aware of some shit#Like is the dark gray skintone weird?? It's what one piece I did was green skin. Bc i was gonna change#I guess it's like drow tho. So fine? Idk it's late#And she has the galien or however it's spelt third eye I need to get rid of that and her other tattoo#Anyway sorry I'm tired I should delete these tags but I don't want something thinking I haven't thought about it? U know?#Anyway her<3#This is just a quick one a collection will be posted on my art account eventually#When I'm awake enough to draw more#I need to shut tf up
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Does anyone else get the feeling that at their core, all of mxtx's works are about cycles of abuses.
#idea dump#ramblings of a sleep deprived girl#heaven official's blessing#tian guan ci fu#scum villian self saving system#mao dao zu shi#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#mxtx#mo xiang tong xiu#cycle of abuse#I don't only mean the passing down of trauma#I also mean the abuses of an established corrupt system#that systematically hurts people that are less fortunate than those who actively benefit from it#to me this one is more prevalent in mdzs and why jin guangyao downfall is so upsetting to me#because he was coming close to breaking the cycle of abuse of both the system and of his family#but unfortunately it was his past actions in service of perpetuating it that doomed him#if he had realized a lot sooner that his father was not worth it#and started pursuing his own interests from the beginning instead of his father's approval he could have changed everything for the better#not to mention that unlike his father he actually treats his spouse with respect and doesn't intentionally hurt her#emphasis on the 'intentional' part (if you know you know)#just like Jin Guangyao became the new wei wuxian Nie Huaisang became the new Jin Guangyao#so i'm of the firm belief that since the system is still in place the cycle will repeat again#and Nie Huaisang will replace Wei Wuxian as someone else becomes his Jin Guangyao#sorry for this long ass essay in the tags lol#it's 3am so I'll probably do the other two another time#also let it be known that I'm only running on spoilers/fanfictions/wiki when it comes to svsss and mdzs#so if anyone bothers to read my essay tags be free to correct anything if I get something wrong#side note why wasn't mdzs about breaking cycles???#why didn't yanli become sect leader. Jiang cheng remain coreless. or Jin Zixuan marry into the Jiangs to show worth outside the norms#you can be a strong woman without being cruel. cultivation doesn't equal worth. and powerful women are beautiful and should be respected
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why does talking to my grandma feel like inhaling some kind of poisonous gas that makes you suffer so much that death would be a kinder fate
#she did something that triggered me very badly and she just wouldn't shut the fuck up and ughhhh#i'm sorry if it sounds like i'm the mean and ungrateful bitch of a granddaughter but it's true#and i just know that no one in her side of family (except for my wonderful mom who was abused by grandma too) wouldn't take my side#and it hurts because if it was up to me i would ONLY speak to my cousin because i love her and couldn't care less abt grandma and her mom#i mean#they don't like me#why would i make an effort to like them?#anyway it's way too much to put in words (esp in a foreign language)#so i'll just tag it#vent#so you can block this tag#but if you're reading this can you please tell me something nice? idk i'm really sad rn for some reason
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